copyright © allyn and bacon 2005 1 chapter 8 love and romantic relationships this multimedia...

Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 20051

Chapter 8Chapter 8

Love and Romantic Relationships

Love and Romantic Relationships

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Have you ever had strong feelings for another person and wondered

whether or not you were “in love?”

Have you ever had strong feelings for another person and wondered

whether or not you were “in love?”

What do you look for in a potential long-term partner?

Do you think men and women look for different features in a marriage partner?

What about a short-term partner?

What do you look for in a potential long-term partner?

Do you think men and women look for different features in a marriage partner?

What about a short-term partner?


Chapter OutlineChapter Outline

The Defining Features of Love

The Goals of Romantic Relationships

Obtaining Sexual Satisfaction

Establishing Family Bonds

Gaining Resources and Social Status

Breaking Up (and Staying Together)




Establishing Family Bonds




Defining Love and Romantic Attraction

Defining Love and Romantic Attraction


Focus on Methods: Uncovering the Different Factors of Love

Are There Different Varieties of Love?



Focus on Methods: Uncovering the Different Factors of Love




Defining Features of LoveDefining Features of Love

Beverly Fehr asked Canadian students to list as many features of love as they could in 3 minutes.

Students’ lists commonly included: Caring HappinessFriendship WarmthTrust CommitmentEuphoria SexualoopassionHeartrateooincreases Etco

Beverly Fehr asked Canadian students to list as many features of love as they could in 3 minutes.

Students’ lists commonly included: Caring HappinessFriendship WarmthTrust CommitmentEuphoria SexualoopassionHeartrateooincreases Etco


The long list could be reduced to three essential components:

The long list could be reduced to three essential components:

physiological arousal, longing to be with

physiological arousal, longing to be with

willing to define as love, commitment to long termwilling to define as love, commitment to long term

close bond, sharing, support

close bond, sharing, support

PASSION

INTIMACY

COMMITMENT


Decision/Decision/CommitmentCommitment

IntimacyIntimacy

PassionPassion

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (page 257)

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (page 257)


Factor analysisFactor analysis

Factor analysis –statistical technique for sorting test items or behaviors into conceptually similar groupings (page 258)

Example: Factor analysis was used to group various features of love into passion, intimacy, and commitment.

Factor analysis –statistical technique for sorting test items or behaviors into conceptually similar groupings (page 258)

Example: Factor analysis was used to group various features of love into passion, intimacy, and commitment.




Not all types of “love” involve the same mix of passion, intimacy, and commitment.

Passionate love –a state of intense longing for union with another

Companionate love –affection and tenderness for those whose lives are entwined with our own.

Not all types of “love” involve the same mix of passion, intimacy, and commitment.

Passionate love –a state of intense longing for union with another

Companionate love –affection and tenderness for those whose lives are entwined with our own.


Did you think about sex even for a moment during the last 5 min?

Did you think about sex even for a moment during the last 5 min?

When men and women under the age of twenty-five were asked this question, half of the men and 40% of the women said “Yes.”Among those 26-55: 1 in 4 men and 1

in 7 women said “Yes.”

College men and women report several sexual fantasies per day.

When men and women under the age of twenty-five were asked this question, half of the men and 40% of the women said “Yes.”Among those 26-55: 1 in 4 men and 1

in 7 women said “Yes.”

College men and women report several sexual fantasies per day.


Obtaining Sexual SatisfactionObtaining Sexual Satisfaction

HormonesSociosexual AttitudesWho’s Sexually Attractive?Gender Differences in SexualityArousing SettingsCultural Norms about SexualitySexual Situations Look Different to Men

and WomenCultural Practices May Trick Evolved

Mechanisms

HormonesSociosexual AttitudesWho’s Sexually Attractive?Gender Differences in SexualityArousing SettingsCultural Norms about SexualitySexual Situations Look Different to Men

and WomenCultural Practices May Trick Evolved

Mechanisms


HormonesHormones

Injections of testosterone into men with malfunctioning testes increase sexual fantasies; Stopping injections reduces fantasies.

Injections of testosterone also increase sexual desire and fantasy in women.

Sexual fantasies in teenagers of both sexes are also linked to testosterone.

Injections of testosterone into men with malfunctioning testes increase sexual fantasies; Stopping injections reduces fantasies.

Injections of testosterone also increase sexual desire and fantasy in women.

Sexual fantasies in teenagers of both sexes are also linked to testosterone.


Sociosexual AttitudesSociosexual Attitudes

Sociosexual orientation –Individual differences in tendency to prefer either:

Unrestricted sex (without the necessity of love)

Restricted sex (only in the context of a long-term, loving relationship).

Sociosexual orientation –Individual differences in tendency to prefer either:

Unrestricted sex (without the necessity of love)

Restricted sex (only in the context of a long-term, loving relationship).


Who’s Sexually Attractive?Who’s Sexually Attractive?

Physically attractive individuals have more opportunities for sexual relationships.

College students in one study were willing to lie about themselves to win dates with physically attractive partners.

Physically attractive individuals have more opportunities for sexual relationships.

College students in one study were willing to lie about themselves to win dates with physically attractive partners.


What is Considered Attractive?What is Considered Attractive?

High bodily symmetry

Women with

Low waist-to-hip ratios

Lustrous, shiny hair

Large eyes and a small nose

Men with

Masculine features

A large jaw and a medium sized nose

High bodily symmetry

Women with

Low waist-to-hip ratios

Lustrous, shiny hair

Large eyes and a small nose

Men with

Masculine features

A large jaw and a medium sized nose


Gender Differences in SexualityGender Differences in Sexuality

Men and women differ in their criteria for sexual partners

But their criteria for long-term partners are very similar.

Men and women differ in their criteria for sexual partners

But their criteria for long-term partners are very similar.


esearchesearch

Kenrick, Groth, Trost & Sadalla (1993) Kenrick, Groth, Trost & Sadalla (1993)

Students in one seriesof studies were asked:Students in one seriesof studies were asked:

What is the minimum percentile of intelligence you would accept in considering someone for:

A date

A sexual partner

A one night stand

A steady dating partner

A marriage partner?

What is the minimum percentile of intelligence you would accept in considering someone for:

A date

A sexual partner

A one night stand

A steady dating partner

A marriage partner?


Women desire slightly above Women desire slightly above average for a single dateaverage for a single date

DATEDATE

AVERAGEAVERAGE

50th50th%ile%ile

Minimum Intelligence DesiredMinimum Intelligence Desired


DATEDATE SEXSEX MARRIAGEMARRIAGE

And want more with And want more with increasing commitmentincreasing commitment

STEADYSTEADY

50th50th%ile%ile


DATEDATE SEXSEX MARRIAGEMARRIAGE

Men have similar criteria for Men have similar criteria for datesdates

STEADYSTEADY


DATEDATE SEXSEX STEADYSTEADY MARRIAGEMARRIAGE

And for long-term mates.And for long-term mates.



Men’s criteria are Men’s criteria are considerably considerably lower for sexual lower for sexual partnerspartners



And the differences are And the differences are even more pronounced even more pronounced for one-night stands.for one-night stands.


These results suggest females increase selectivity as the probability of

pregnancy increases

These results suggest females increase selectivity as the probability of

pregnancy increases

And males are selective for long term relationships where they commit resources

But will be less selective if given the opportunity for a low investment reproductive opportunity.

And males are selective for long term relationships where they commit resources

But will be less selective if given the opportunity for a low investment reproductive opportunity.


In one study, students were approached by another student of the opposite sex,

who said:

In one study, students were approached by another student of the opposite sex,

who said:

“I have been noticing you around campus. I find you very attractive.”

This was followed by one of three invitations:

“Would you go out with me tonight?” or

“Would you come over to my apartment?” or

“Would you go to bed with me?”

“I have been noticing you around campus. I find you very attractive.”

This was followed by one of three invitations:

“Would you go out with me tonight?” or

“Would you come over to my apartment?” or

“Would you go to bed with me?”


Go OutGo Out Go to Apt.Go to Apt. Go to BedGo to Bed

Men were even more Men were even more likely to say “yes” to the likely to say “yes” to the sexual invitation.sexual invitation.

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6060

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100100

Not a single Not a single woman said woman said “yes” to the “yes” to the sexual sexual invitation.invitation.

About half of both About half of both sexes said “yes” to sexes said “yes” to the date.the date.

Per

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Clark and HatfieldClark and Hatfield


Arousing SettingsArousing Settings

Settings that increase physiological arousal often fuel feelings of passion.

Why?

Several theories have been advanced to explain this phenomenon.

Settings that increase physiological arousal often fuel feelings of passion.

Why?

Several theories have been advanced to explain this phenomenon.


General Physiological Arousal

The theory posits that we can confuse the specific cause of our arousal, and we may mistake fear or anxiety for “love.”

The theory posits that we can confuse the specific cause of our arousal, and we may mistake fear or anxiety for “love.”

A Label For That Arousal+

Two-factor theoryTwo-factor theory

According to this theory, feelings of love consist of:

According to this theory, feelings of love consist of:



Consistent with the theory, men report more attraction to attractive women they meet in various arousing situations:

Expecting electric shock

On a shaky suspension bridge

After exercising.

Consistent with the theory, men report more attraction to attractive women they meet in various arousing situations:

Expecting electric shock

On a shaky suspension bridge

After exercising.



Some problems with the theory:

When asked the cause of their arousal, people expecting shock do not mistakenly attribute it to the attractive woman.

Fear causes heterosexual students to report more liking towards people of the same sex (to whom they do not attribute any passionate feelings). Remember danger and emotional support from chapter 7

Some problems with the theory:

When asked the cause of their arousal, people expecting shock do not mistakenly attribute it to the attractive woman.

Fear causes heterosexual students to report more liking towards people of the same sex (to whom they do not attribute any passionate feelings). Remember danger and emotional support from chapter 7


Arousal-facilitation theoryArousal-facilitation theory

According to this theory:

It is not necessary to assume people make mistakes about the causes of their arousal.

Arousal is simply a burst of energy that adds fuel to whatever fire is burning.

According to this theory:

It is not necessary to assume people make mistakes about the causes of their arousal.

Arousal is simply a burst of energy that adds fuel to whatever fire is burning.


Arousal-facilitation theoryArousal-facilitation theory

If you go for a run after drinking coffee, you’ll run faster.

If you normally approach an attractive person or likable person, you’ll approach more enthusiastically if you are aroused.

You’re still energized even if you know your arousal came from a cup of coffee or a threat of electric shock.

If you go for a run after drinking coffee, you’ll run faster.

If you normally approach an attractive person or likable person, you’ll approach more enthusiastically if you are aroused.

You’re still energized even if you know your arousal came from a cup of coffee or a threat of electric shock.


Arousing SettingsArousing SettingsObstacles to a love affair can produce

arousal, which can sometimes fan the flames of love.

What do we desire most? Sometimes it is what we think we may not be able to have. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? Periods of forced separation.

Playing “hard to get”. Jealousy over another possible lover.

Obstacles to a love affair can produce arousal, which can sometimes fan the flames of love.

What do we desire most? Sometimes it is what we think we may not be able to have. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? Periods of forced separation.

Playing “hard to get”. Jealousy over another possible lover.


Cultural NormsAbout SexualityCultural NormsAbout Sexuality

Cultures vary in acceptance of premarital sex, extramarital sex, and appropriateness of sex without love.

Americans, on average,

Begin kissing at around age 14 or 15

Begin having intercourse around age 17.

Japanese begin kissing at around age 20.

Have intercourse at age 22 or 23.

Cultures vary in acceptance of premarital sex, extramarital sex, and appropriateness of sex without love.

Americans, on average,

Begin kissing at around age 14 or 15

Begin having intercourse around age 17.

Japanese begin kissing at around age 20.

Have intercourse at age 22 or 23.


Sexual Situations LookDifferent to Men and Women

Sexual Situations LookDifferent to Men and Women

Compared to women, men perceive more sexuality in an interaction between a man and a woman.

This is true whether they are participants or observers.

However, men see interactions involving their sister as Platonic.

Compared to women, men perceive more sexuality in an interaction between a man and a woman.

This is true whether they are participants or observers.

However, men see interactions involving their sister as Platonic.


Nonverbal cuesNonverbal cues

Monica Moore observed women in singles’ bars and more neutral settings.

Women in singles bars used a number of nonverbal gestures that appeared to initiate interactions with men, including:

Head tosses

Hair flips

Eyebrow flashes

Smiles.

Monica Moore observed women in singles’ bars and more neutral settings.

Women in singles bars used a number of nonverbal gestures that appeared to initiate interactions with men, including:

Head tosses

Hair flips

Eyebrow flashes

Smiles.


Cultural Practices May Trick Evolved Mechanisms

Cultural Practices May Trick Evolved Mechanisms

People are usually attracted to opposite sex neighbors (often marrying the girl or guy next door); “proximity-attraction principle”.

Children from kibbutz groups, however, did not show sexual attraction towards those raised in the same household. Why? Page 268

People are usually attracted to opposite sex neighbors (often marrying the girl or guy next door); “proximity-attraction principle”.

Children from kibbutz groups, however, did not show sexual attraction towards those raised in the same household. Why? Page 268


Establishing Family BondsEstablishing Family Bonds



Passionate sexual attraction fades with time.

But feelings of intimacy and commitment increase with time.

The loss of a spouse is one of the most stressful of life events.

Passionate sexual attraction fades with time.

But feelings of intimacy and commitment increase with time.

The loss of a spouse is one of the most stressful of life events.


The Importance of AttachmentThe Importance of Attachment

Need to belong –the human need to form and maintain strong, stable interpersonal relationships

The same feeling that keeps a romantic couple bonded may be what keeps them attached to their children.

Need to belong –the human need to form and maintain strong, stable interpersonal relationships

The same feeling that keeps a romantic couple bonded may be what keeps them attached to their children.


The Importance of AttachmentThe Importance of Attachment

Three-stage pattern of separation distress –reaction sequence shown by infants or adults when separated from those to whom they are intimately attached

Three-stage pattern of separation distress –reaction sequence shown by infants or adults when separated from those to whom they are intimately attached


attempts to re-establish contactattempts to re-

establish contact

lack of concern and coolness towards parent or lover

lack of concern and coolness towards parent or lover

inactivity and helplessness

inactivity and helplessness

PROTEST

DESPAIR

DETACHMENT

The Three-stage Pattern of Separation Distress

The Three-stage Pattern of Separation Distress


Secure BaseSecure Base

Secure base –comfort provided by attachment figure

A secure base allows the person to venture forth more confidently to explore the environment.

Secure base –comfort provided by attachment figure

A secure base allows the person to venture forth more confidently to explore the environment.


Bringing the male into the bondBringing the male into the bond

A bond betweenmother and offspringis found in all mammals(who nurse and care for the young).

In 95% of mammalian species the male does not contribute to offspring care.

Humans are one of the rare exceptions.

A bond betweenmother and offspringis found in all mammals(who nurse and care for the young).

In 95% of mammalian species the male does not contribute to offspring care.

Humans are one of the rare exceptions.



Attachment Style

Exchange/Communal Orientation

Threats

Jealousy and Same-Sex Competitors

Relationships Change Our Personalities

Attachment Style

Exchange/Communal Orientation

Threats




Attachments marked by trust that the other will

continue to provide love and support

Attachments marked by trust that the other will

continue to provide love and support

Defensive detachment from the other

Defensive detachment from the other

Fear of abandonment; feeling that one’s needs

are not being met

Fear of abandonment; feeling that one’s needs

are not being met

SECURE

ANXIOUS/AMBIVALENT

AVOIDANT

Attachment StylesAttachment Styles


Exchange/CommunalOrientation

Exchange/CommunalOrientation

Those who adopt an “exchange” orientation calculate costs and benefits in relationships.

Those who adopt a “communal” orientation pay more attention to partner’s needs.

Those with an exchange orientation are less satisfied with marriages.

Those who adopt an “exchange” orientation calculate costs and benefits in relationships.

Those who adopt a “communal” orientation pay more attention to partner’s needs.

Those with an exchange orientation are less satisfied with marriages.


ThreatsThreats

Situations that trigger fear, anxiety, or insecurity intensify attachments.

Threats to the relationship particularly enhance the motivation to bond more closely. Exceptions?

Situations that trigger fear, anxiety, or insecurity intensify attachments.

Threats to the relationship particularly enhance the motivation to bond more closely. Exceptions?


Obsessive Relationships and Unrequited Love

Obsessive Relationships and Unrequited Love

Erotomania –a disorder involving the fixed (but incorrect) belief that one is loved by another, which persists in the face of strong evidence to the contrary

Obsessive relationships may stem from inappropriate activation of normal attachment bonds.

Erotophobia – fear of intimacy

Erotomania –a disorder involving the fixed (but incorrect) belief that one is loved by another, which persists in the face of strong evidence to the contrary

Obsessive relationships may stem from inappropriate activation of normal attachment bonds.

Erotophobia – fear of intimacy




Imagine you discover that the person with whom you’ve been seriously involved has become interested in someone else.

What would distress you more?

1. Imagining your partner falling in love and forming a deep emotional attachment to that person.

2. Imagining your partner having sexual intercourse with that person.

Imagine you discover that the person with whom you’ve been seriously involved has become interested in someone else.

What would distress you more?

1. Imagining your partner falling in love and forming a deep emotional attachment to that person.

2. Imagining your partner having sexual intercourse with that person.




The majority of men reported more distress to the sexual infidelity.

About 80 percent of the women were more distressed over emotional attachment.

The majority of men reported more distress to the sexual infidelity.

About 80 percent of the women were more distressed over emotional attachment.




Long term relationships cause people to

Change attachment styles

Overestimate their similarities to their partner

Change their attitudes to fit with those of their partner.

Long term relationships cause people to

Change attachment styles

Overestimate their similarities to their partner

Change their attitudes to fit with those of their partner.




In many animal species, females choose males who have managed to defend the most valuable territories.

Among humans, power and status bring access to material rewards.

Men with power and status have an easier time attracting mates.

In many animal species, females choose males who have managed to defend the most valuable territories.

Among humans, power and status bring access to material rewards.

Men with power and status have an easier time attracting mates.




Gender and Sexual Orientation

Culture, Resources, and Polygamy

Increasing Levels of Involvement

When Dominance Matters

Gender and Sexual Orientation

Culture, Resources, and Polygamy

Increasing Levels of Involvement

When Dominance Matters


Women’s Preference for StatusWomen’s Preference for Status

Women prefer a well-dressed unattractive man to a good-looking man in a Burger King outfit.

Opposite for men judging women (Townsend & Levy, 1990).

Across societies women place more emphasis on a potential mate’s income and status (Buss, 1990).

Women prefer a well-dressed unattractive man to a good-looking man in a Burger King outfit.

Opposite for men judging women (Townsend & Levy, 1990).

Across societies women place more emphasis on a potential mate’s income and status (Buss, 1990).


Men’s Preference for Reproductive Resources

Men’s Preference for Reproductive Resources

Older men are attracted to relatively younger women (Kenrick & Keefe, 1992).

Younger men are attracted to relatively older women (Kenrick et al., 1996). Why??????

This same pattern is found across societies and historical periods.

Older men are attracted to relatively younger women (Kenrick & Keefe, 1992).

Younger men are attracted to relatively older women (Kenrick et al., 1996). Why??????

This same pattern is found across societies and historical periods.


-20-20

10s10s

00

-10-10

10s10s

2020

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20s20s 30s30s 40s40s 50s50s 60s60s

2020

1010

-20-20

20s20s 30s30s 40s40s 50s50s 60s60s

MALE'S AGEMALE'S AGE FEMALE'S AGEFEMALE'S AGE

DIF

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FR

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TA

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TA

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Oldest preferredOldest preferred

Youngest preferredYoungest preferred

Kenrick & Keefe, Behavioral & Brain Sciences, (1992).

Singles’ ads by young men Singles’ ads by young men show no preference for show no preference for

younger partnersyounger partners

Women of all ages ask for Women of all ages ask for men around their own age men around their own age

or olderor older

But older men prefer But older men prefer partners younger than partners younger than

themselvesthemselves

Phoenix Singles AdsPhoenix Singles Ads


-20-20

10s10s

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10s10s

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20s20s 30s30s 40s40s 50s50s 60s60s

2020

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20s20s 30s30s 40s40s 50s50s 60s60s




Marriages show a Marriages show a similar patternsimilar pattern

Phoenix Singles AdsPhoenix Singles AdsD

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Kenrick & Keefe, Behavioral & Brain Sciences, (1992).


2020

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-20-2020s20s 30s30s 40s40s >50>50


10s10s 20s20s 30s30s 40s40s >50>5010s10s

The same pattern The same pattern was found on a was found on a remote island in remote island in the Philippines the Philippines

early in the early in the centurycentury

PORO - 1913 - 1929PORO - 1913 - 1929

The same pattern has also now been found in Africa, The same pattern has also now been found in Africa, Brazil, Japan, and numerous other societiesBrazil, Japan, and numerous other societies



Phoenix Singles AdsPhoenix Singles AdsD

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Are Homosexuals Different?Are Homosexuals Different?

Homosexual men are like heterosexual men in their

Age preferences

Emphasis on physical attractiveness

De-emphasis of status.

Homosexual women?

This suggests mate preferences aren’t a simple “one-switch” mechanism. Page 277-8

Homosexual men are like heterosexual men in their

Age preferences

Emphasis on physical attractiveness

De-emphasis of status.

Homosexual women?

This suggests mate preferences aren’t a simple “one-switch” mechanism. Page 277-8


What Happens When Women Gain Status and Resources?

What Happens When Women Gain Status and Resources?

In societies where women have little wealth in power, the desire for wealth in a man is greater than in societies where women are relatively better off.

In societies where women have little wealth in power, the desire for wealth in a man is greater than in societies where women are relatively better off.


Culture, Resources,and Polygamy


Monogamy –marital custom in which one man marries one woman

Polygamy –marriage involving more than one partner, includes polyandry and polygyny

Monogamy –marital custom in which one man marries one woman

Polygamy –marriage involving more than one partner, includes polyandry and polygyny




Polyandry –one woman weds more than one husband.

Polygyny –one man weds more than one wife.

Polyandry –one woman weds more than one husband.

Polygyny –one man weds more than one wife.




Polyandrous woman’s multiple husbands are usually brothers who share limited resources.

Extreme polygyny (e.g., harems) involves:

Steep social hierarchy

Great wealth in some families

Possibility of starvation for others. Page 280

Polyandrous woman’s multiple husbands are usually brothers who share limited resources.

Extreme polygyny (e.g., harems) involves:

Steep social hierarchy

Great wealth in some families

Possibility of starvation for others. Page 280


Social Exchange InCommitted Relationships

Social Exchange InCommitted Relationships

Equity rule – each person’s benefits and costs in a social relationship should match the other’s benefits and costs

Relationships characterized by very positive feelings follow a need-based rule.

Equity rule – each person’s benefits and costs in a social relationship should match the other’s benefits and costs

Relationships characterized by very positive feelings follow a need-based rule.


When Dominance MattersWhen Dominance Matters

Although women are initially attracted to sex-typed dominant males, over time less sex-typed men are easier to get along with (Ickes, 1993).

To be attractive to a woman, dominance must be accompanied by agreeableness (Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995).

Although women are initially attracted to sex-typed dominant males, over time less sex-typed men are easier to get along with (Ickes, 1993).

To be attractive to a woman, dominance must be accompanied by agreeableness (Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995).


When DominanceMatters

When DominanceMatters

Women in one study read about a man who was eitherDominant or

Non-dominant

And eitherAgreeable or

Disagreeable.

Women in one study read about a man who was eitherDominant or

Non-dominant

And eitherAgreeable or

Disagreeable.

esearchesearch


99

55

33

11

DisagreeableDisagreeable

Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995

77Desirability as a DateDesirability as a Date

AgreeableAgreeable

When the man was disagreeable, women found him undesirable as a date, regardless of whether he was dominant or nondominant.

When the man was disagreeable, women found him undesirable as a date, regardless of whether he was dominant or nondominant.

Nondominant Dominant Nondominant Dominant

esearchesearch


99

55

33

11

DisagreeableDisagreeable

Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995

77

AgreeableAgreeable

When he was agreeable, women found him desirable as a date

And his desirability was enhanced if he was also dominant.

When he was agreeable, women found him desirable as a date

And his desirability was enhanced if he was also dominant.

Nondominant Dominant Nondominant Dominant

Desirability as a DateDesirability as a Date

esearchesearch


Who’s on Top?Who’s on Top?

In a “Dating Game” experiment, unrestricted men used more direct competitive tactics (Simpson et al., 1999).

Men’s self-rated marriage potential drops after seeing socially dominant men.

Women’s drops after seeing physically attractive women (Gutierres et al., 1999). Page 282

In a “Dating Game” experiment, unrestricted men used more direct competitive tactics (Simpson et al., 1999).

Men’s self-rated marriage potential drops after seeing socially dominant men.

Women’s drops after seeing physically attractive women (Gutierres et al., 1999). Page 282




Some People Are Better at Getting Along

Some Situations Pull Couples Apart

It Takes Two to Tango


Some Situations Pull Couples Apart

It Takes Two to Tango




People in unstable relationships tend to be

Unconventional and extraverted

Prone to negative moods.

People in unstable relationships tend to be

Unconventional and extraverted

Prone to negative moods.


Some SituationsPull Couples Apart

Some SituationsPull Couples Apart

Economic problems often stress marriages.

When there is surplus of women to men, men are less likely to commit to marriage.

Economic problems often stress marriages.

When there is surplus of women to men, men are less likely to commit to marriage.


It Takes Two to TangoIt Takes Two to Tango

Low self esteem in one partner can cause that person to become cold and distant, making the relationship more costly for their partners.

People in stable relationships judge models in magazines as less attractive.

Low self esteem in one partner can cause that person to become cold and distant, making the relationship more costly for their partners.

People in stable relationships judge models in magazines as less attractive.


Factors That Facilitate Workplace Romance, and Which May Create Stress in Current Relationships


Studying Healthy Communication to Save Marriages

Studying Healthy Communication to Save Marriages

Markman and colleagues videotaped happy couples and unhappy couples as they discussed problems.

Unhappy couples responded to conflict with “zingers” – negative statements about their partners.

Markman and colleagues videotaped happy couples and unhappy couples as they discussed problems.

Unhappy couples responded to conflict with “zingers” – negative statements about their partners.


Rules of Effective Communication


The researchers developed a premarital training program in effective communication.

Some of the helpful rules included:

1. Positive framing: Say “I’d enjoy playing tennis” NOT “I don’t want to go hang out with your boring friends again!”

The researchers developed a premarital training program in effective communication.

Some of the helpful rules included:

1. Positive framing: Say “I’d enjoy playing tennis” NOT “I don’t want to go hang out with your boring friends again!”




2. Express appreciation: Say “Thanks for doing the dishes” vs. “You missed one!”

2. Express appreciation: Say “Thanks for doing the dishes” vs. “You missed one!”




3. Avoid silent treatment: Say something when arriving, leaving, or going to bed.

3. Avoid silent treatment: Say something when arriving, leaving, or going to bed.




4. Don’t be a “psychopest.” Don’t analyze your partner’s behavior as a guise for being a critic. “Hmm, that’s just like your mother’s behavior.”

4. Don’t be a “psychopest.” Don’t analyze your partner’s behavior as a guise for being a critic. “Hmm, that’s just like your mother’s behavior.”




5. Speak for yourself, not your partner. Don’t say “I know YOU’D enjoy a movie” say “I’d really enjoy a movie.”

5. Speak for yourself, not your partner. Don’t say “I know YOU’D enjoy a movie” say “I’d really enjoy a movie.”




6. Say it directly. Don’t say “do you want to eat out?” when you’re thinking “I’m dying to eat Mexican food.”

6. Say it directly. Don’t say “do you want to eat out?” when you’re thinking “I’m dying to eat Mexican food.”




7. Nothing nice to say? Then keep quiet.

7. Nothing nice to say? Then keep quiet.

copyright © allyn and bacon 2005 1 chapter 8 love and romantic relationships this multimedia...

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