uad march 2010

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTMARCH 2010

The Most Unusual Digest in AmericaFREE

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Call Dan Dumont for your FREE Estimate!

31 Blake St. Lewiston

782-7113

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783-7039

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 20102

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: TYPES ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: types only in lowercase.

786-3731

Pelletier’s Karate AcademyI-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s)

Email: [email protected] • www.pelletierskarate.com

MEMBER: NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF PROFESSIONAL MARTIAL ARTISTS

March 24thSafety Seminar

for Kids4:30-5:15 • 5:30-6:15

The PerfectEmployee

1) Uncle Andy, my as-sistant sales person,can always be found2) hard at work in hiscubicle. Uncle Andyworks independently,without3) wasting companytime talking to col-leagues. He never4) thinks twice aboutassisting fellow employ-ees, and he always5) finishes given as-signments on time.Often he takes ex-tended6) measures to com-plete his work, some-times skipping coffee7) breaks. Uncle Andyis a dedicated individ-ual who has absolutelyno8) vanity in spite of hishigh accomplishmentsand profound9) knowledge in hisfield. I firmly believethat he can be10) classed as a highcaliber employee, thetype which cannot be11) dispensed with.Consequently, I dulyrecommend that UncleAndy be12) promoted to execu-tive management, anda proposal will be13) executed as soonas possible.

Addendum:Uncle Andy was stand-ing over my shoulderwhile I wrote the reportsent to you earliertoday. Kindly rereadonly the odd numberedlines. Sincerely, Travis Dow


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 3783-7039

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People dont use any punctuation either

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping his hands over his ears.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICAMarch 2010

Saturday, March 6Holy Cross KC Bean Supper(Camp 8609)607 Lisbon St., Lewiston4:00pm-6:30pm$4.50 per Member, $5.00 per Guest

Thursday, March 11Lewiston Mandarin Restaurant(Camp 10589)750 Sabattus St., Lewiston(LUNCH) 11:00am - 1:30pm$4.50 per Member, $5.00 per Guest

Thursday March 18Rolly’s Diner (BREAKFAST)(Camp 12907)87 Mill St., Auburn7:00am-10:00am$3.50 per Member, $4.60 per Guest

Sunday, March 28KC Breakfast (Camp 7938)Columbus Dr., Brunswick8:00am - 10:00am $4.00 per Member, Child <10 Free

Wednesday, March 31The Green Ladle Culinary ArtsLUNCH (Camp 14437)156 East Ave. (Lewiston HighSchool)Noon SHARP $7.00 per Member, $8.00 per Guest

Prices and Menu are Subject to Change.Tickets need to be purchased at theModern Woodmen District Office, 184Webster Street, Lewiston for all activitiesand can only be picked up the week priorto the activity, Monday – Thursday from9am - 4pm and Friday from 9am – Noon(excluding Holidays). FMI call 782-1833._________________________Auburn Office Activities 783-8804Sunday, March 28Maine Maple Sunday PancakeBreakfast. West Minot Grange Hall,Routes 119 & 124, West Minot8:00am - 11:00am$3.50 per ticket, under 5 Free.Enjoy pancakes, sausage, bacon,milk, juice, coffee

Tuesday, March 30Join us for Lunch at the New Library Café, 46 Spring St.,Auburn. 11:00am - 1:00pm. $5.00per ticket. Menu will be providedwhen tickets are purchased.

Wednesday, March 31McLaughlin Garden, 97 Main St., S. Paris. 4:00 pm. No Charge.Enjoy Nature’s Colors. Please callfor reservations at 783-8804 or 1-800-561-8506.

Tickets may be picked up at MWA, 76 Minot Ave., Auburn, Mon - Thurs from 9:00am to5:00pm. Or call 783-8804 or 1-800-561-8506.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 20104

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congrega-tion would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

Uncle Andy’s Digest

is published by the first Friday of every month byMaine Mountain Ocean

Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME.

It is distributed free through-out Central Maine and mailed

to subscribers all over theworld. Subscriptions are

$30/year. Send a $30 checkmade out to

Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363,

Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s

DigestMAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363Auburn, ME 04212

E-MAIL:

[email protected]

PHONE: 207 783-7039FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com

MARCH 2010

Staff

UNCLE ANDY

Publishing Magnate

JIMBO

Publishing Magistrate

Travis Dow

Publishing Magnet

Maggie Joyce

Our Publishing Angel

Marty Dow

Publishing Distributor

Michele Farrar

Publishing Ads

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MARCH MADNESS DEALS

We do Weddings!Call ahead to plan your event!

Plain as Day

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see myclient commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take thegoods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened

at night. Are you sure you saw my client committhis crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad.Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 5783-7039

You can have anything you want in life if you just help enough other people get what they want. ~Zig Ziglar

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Prepare forspring by naturally

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HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE62 Turner Street (next to the county building)

Auburn • 795-4095United Way of Androscoggin Countywww.alymca.org

Hours: Mon. – Fri. 5:00am-8:30pm;

Sat. & Sun. 7:00am-2:00pmWhere You Belong!YMCAAUBURN-LEWISTON

“My family lovesthe YMCA becauseof its support ofhealth and fitnessfor the whole fam-ily and the com-munity. YMCAswimming les-sons, basketballand cross-country

skiing have been great for our children. Group Power,Group Cycling and Yoga have been very helpful for theparents. Thanks for all that you do!”

– Matthew & Aaron Scholer

BELONG?

VALUE! I lovethat all theclasses are in-cluded in onemembershipprice & the in-structors arewonderful!

They teach you to adapt each class to your ownlevel, and there are so many classes to choosefrom that you never get bored.

– Phyllis Vail

March 5th Family Fun NightFamily Swim 6:00-6:45 p.m.& Family Yoga 7:00-7:45 p.m.FREE to MembersPre-registration is required for all: Sign up for Family Swim, Family Yoga, or both!

Indoor Baseball & Softball Ages 8-15

Quickstart Indoor Tennis Ages 5-8Registration now open! Call for details. Classes start in March

Offered at various times throughout the week and FREE with any YMCA Membership

Adults can get in a workout while we care for your kids!

at www.triplecrown5k.com

Register Now for the Greater L/ATriple Crown 5K Series

CAMP CONNORBoys & Girls Grades K-8

Teen Leadership CampGrades 9 & 10

Free Pre & Post Camp Care

FREE toMembers!

Ages 6 mo.-AdultLessons start on March 8th

Registration now open!

An 8 week sessionis only $35 for

YMCA Members!!


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 7783-7039

HEALTH & FITNESS GUIDE

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?

Silly NewsFrom Around

the World

More than 600 people inItaly wanted to ride in aspaceship badly enoughto pay $10,000 a piecefor the first tourist flightto Mars. According tothe Italian police, thewould-be space trav-ellers were told to spendtheir "next vacation onMars, amid the splen-dors of ruined templesand painted deserts.Ride a Martian camelfrom oasis to oasis andenjoy the incredibleMartian sunsets. Ex-plore mysterious canalsand marvel at the views.Trips to the moon alsoavailable." Authoritiesbelieve that the con menrunning this scam madeoff with over six milliondollars...

Macho Man

Uncle Andy visited adude ranch and wantedto be "Macho", and wentout walking with one ofthe hired hands. Walk-ing through the barn-yard, Uncle Andy triedstarting a conversation:

"Say, look at that bigbunch of buffalos."

The hired hand replied,"Not 'bunch' but 'herd'."

"Heard what?"

"Herd of buffalos."

"Sure, I've heard of buf-falos. There's a bigbunch of 'em right overthere."

The Lewiston High School cheerleaders & their “Super Fans”Members are: (seniors): Jessica Beckwith, Kassandra Bowen, Erin Griffin, Haleigh Traynor,

Erica Webber (juniors): Ashley Blauvelt, Jessica Bowen, Abby Campbell, Samantha Hopkins, Rebecca Lessard, Heather Michaud (sophomores): Shae Godbout,

Tiana Lacombe, Rachel Mills, Krista Thomas (Freshman): Adreena Adams, Kara Barnies,Kirsty Beauchesne, Cassandra Chung, Taylor Pratt, Torey Reny.

LHS placed 2nd in class A state cheerleading competition held in February earning them a spot at New Eng-land's located in Rhode Island on March 20th. This season the Lewiston Blue Devils have won both the Shriner’s Cheer

Classic and the KVAC’s. They were runners up in the Eastern Class A Regional Championships and the Maine High SchoolState Cheerleading Class A competition. Lewiston is coached by Lynnette Morency, assisted by Jennifer Roy.

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 20108

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers: Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?with hymns from a full choir.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

I specialize in affordable

health insurance!

Just Call Him Sparky

Uncle Andy goes into a restaurant and thewaitress stops him.

“Sorry sir, you need towear a tie to enter.”

So Uncle Andy goesback to his car andlooks around, butthere's no necktie to befound. So he takes hisjumper cables, wrapsthem around his neck,ties a nice knot, andlets the ends dangleabout.

He goes back to therestaurant, where thewaitress says, "Well,OK, you can come in... Just don't start anything." Court Street, Auburn circa 1940 • Photo submitted by Nola at Goin’ Postal

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 9783-7039

Actual Product Warnings... On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

550 Center Street. Auburn(207) 782-5030 DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.

Exams

Bring in this ad for...

$10OFF

Appointment Required1 coupon per personExpires 3/31/10

Auburn Mall Eye Care

Actual Product Warnings... On a package of Sunmaid raisins:Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

Hours: Mon., Wed., Fri. 8-5; Tues. & Thurs. 7:30-6; Sat 8-noonCatherine Sanders, D.V.M.

Taylor Brook Animal Hospital784-1726

33 Millett Drive • Auburnbetween Minot Ave. & Court St.

Reminder: Time for Heartworm testsGet your Heartgard & Frontline now!

A Y2K short storyfrom the archives

January 1, 2000 Re: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicatethat you have not usedany vacation time overthe past 100 year(s).As I'm sure you areaware, employees aregranted 3 weeks ofpaid leave per year orpay in lieu of time off.One additional week isgranted for every 5years of service.

Please either take9,400 days off work ornotify our office andyour next pay checkwill reflect payment of$8,277,432.22 whichwill include all pay andinterest for the past1,200 months.

Sincerely, AutomatedPayroll Processing

Lewiston HS cheerleaders:Torey Reny, Kara Barnies

& Kirsty Beauchesne

Wish us luck on March 20th

in the New England'scheering competition.

We’ll be in Rhode Island!

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Dawson Norcrossgets a lesson in how to operate a 4-wheeler, from his dad Kevin

Ok Daddy, I’ve got this

mastered. Let’s move on to the

snowmobile!

Go Figure!

A Mathematician, a Biologistand a Physicist are sitting ina street cafe watching peoplegoing in and coming out ofthe house on the other sideof the street.

First they see two peoplegoing into the house.

Time passes.

After a while they noticethree persons coming out ofthe house.

The Physicist says: "Themeasurement wasn't accu-rate."

The Biologist concludes:"They have reproduced."

The Mathematician says:"Now if another person en-ters the house, it'll be emptyagain."

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201010You Know youʼre getting older when... There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

You Know youʼre getting older when... You and your teeth don't sleep together.

Mon-Fri 9-6; Sat. 9-3 • diamondcutjewelers.comAlways Free Jewelry Cleaning & Inspection

Jewelry doesn’t fit? Bring it in and get it sized.ALL jewelry repairs done in-house by an expert jeweler.

Watch Batteries Replaced • Watch Bands • Ring Sizing • Stone SettingClasp Replacement • Bead Stringing • Appraisals • Eyeglass Repair

DiamondCutJewelers

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Lisa Mindy

3/31/10

Family TiesSubmitted by Jimbo

A very successful businessman had ameeting with his newson-in-law.

"I love my daughter,and now I welcomeyou into the family,"said the man. "To showyou how much we carefor you, I'm making youa 50-50 partner in mybusiness. All you haveto do is go to the fac-tory every day andlearn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't standthe noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in theoffice and take chargeof some of the operations."

"I hate office work,"said the son-in-law. "Ican't stand being stuckbehind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," saidthe father-in-law. "I justmake you half-owner ofa moneymaking organ-ization, but you don'tlike factories and won'twork in a office. Whatam I going to do withyou?"

"Easy," said the youngman. "Buy me out."

The gray whale is actually black.

Silly News From Around the World

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got anasty surprise when a dye pack de-signed to mark stolen money ex-ploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The

robber apparently stuffed the lootdown the front of his pants as he wasrunning out the door. "He was seenhopping and jumping around," saidpolice spokesman Mike Carey, "withan explosion taking place inside hispants." Police have the man's charredtrousers in custody.


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 11783-7039

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Morrison & Sylvester1175 Minot Ave.

Auburn, ME 04210

783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net

PARTS • SALES • SERVICE

WE FEATURE: • Service For All Makes

• Parts For All Makes• Sales of New International Trucks• Sales Of Used Trucks Of All Makes

Out & About atL-A Harley’s

Fan Jam 2010

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201012

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and thenscribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

www.emersoThe Back Forty


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 13783-7039

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: As much as possible, he skips rather than walk.

ontoyota.comMarch Specials

SOLD

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201014If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Your Community Auto Repair Shop

Quality service at an affordable price!

250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.netMAJOR AUTOMOTIVENEW

$10 OFFOil Change with alignment

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

Leo & Linda BeaudinLeo's Upholstery TE

STIM

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Uncle Andy's Digest is a very pleasant

company to work with. They are always very friendly and

helpful. Advertising with themhas helped us gain

new customers.

Politically Correct Statements for 2010: It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

There was once an aspiring veterinarianwho put himselfthrough veterinaryschool working nightsas a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, hedecided he could com-bine his two vocationsto better serve theneeds of his patientsand their owners, whiledoubling his practiceand, therefore, his in-come.

He opened his own of-fices with a shingle onthe door saying, "Dr.Jones, Veterinary Med-icine and Taxidermy --Either way, you getyour dog back!"

Expires 3/31/10


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 15783-7039

You Know youʼre getting older when... You find yourself standing in line and can't remember why.

You Know youʼre getting older when... One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

Mike Morin’s Auto Center1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433

“A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”

Complimentary Coffee & Donuts while you wait • FREE Shuttle Service In L/A

• Expert service & highest quality

• Accurate diagnosis of problems

• Fair & honest quotes

• Great customer service

• Full service garage, no problem too big or too small

• Best of the best 10 years running for automotive service

Top 6 reasons to

choose MikeMorin’s

Cobalt blue & silver, air ride seat, GPS,

AM/FM stereo, extrachrome, 2 windshields

ONLY $18,500

2006 Harley Davidson

Ultra Classic

Now is a good time to get your vehicle aligned. Prolong the life of your tires! PS: Stop in this month and wish Mike Morin a

Happy Birthday!!

Jim Hyde

FOR SALE AT MIKE MORIN’S


Fan Jam 2010

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 20101675% of the trees in Australia are eucalyptus.

The first chalkboard was used in school in 1714.Out & About atL-A Harley’s

Fan Jam 2010

• Wheel alignment & balancing• Complete brake work• Engine tune-up• Lube-oil-filter• State Inspections• Exhaust systems

FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED FOR 26 YEARS

60 Minot Ave • Auburn, ME 04210782-6666 or 783-2026

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC.

A PROUD MEMBER OF THE

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OUR TIRES

Buy 2 NEW Tires and receive a

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res

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Elm Street School principal, Mary Martin; Optimist of the Month, Tanner Marston & Jeff Gagnon, Optimist Club board member

Optimist Club’s Student of the Month

"Do not look to the ground for your next step; greatness lies with those who look to the horizon." – Norwegian Proverb

Congratulations, Tanner!


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 17783-7039 A potato's closest edible relative is the eggplant.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

We are a full service repair shop

$17,500 $13,900

$17,900 $14,900

$13,500 $21,000

777-0047 • www.laautocompany.com

Full Vehicle Reconditioning Available

2004 Mercedes ML500Completely Loaded, Navigation and DVD, 4WD 8cyl, 3rd Row Seat, Perfect

2004 Audi A4 QuattroTurbo, 6-Speed, AWD, Borla Exhaust, Loaded, Leather, Bose Audio,

Super Clean

2004 Mercedes E500AWD Auto, 8cyl., All the Options, CD Player, Gray leather,

Wood-grain trim, Flawless

2005 Volvo XC90 AWDTurbo, Volvo Premium Audio, Leather, CD Player, Privacy Glass

2004 Saab 9-3 Arc Convertible, Turbo, Meticulously Cared For, Alloys, Heated Seats, CD,

Keyless Entry, A Rare Find

2005 GMC Yukon DenaliV8, 3rd Row Seat, Leather, 8cyl, Tow Pkg., CD, Keyless Entry,

Navigation, DVD Player

733 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

SPRING HIGHLINE SALEFANTASTIC DEALS ON OUR BEST INVENTORY!

GOLF; noun

[1] a game that con-sists of a lot of walking,broken up by disap-pointment and badarithmetic.

[2] a game of opposites- the world's slowestpeople are ahead ofyou, and the fastestare behind.

[3] a colorful sport thatkeeps you on thegreen, in the pink, andfinancially in the red.

[4] a game which is al-lowed to be played onSunday (under bluelaws) because it wasnot considered a gameby the law, but a formof moral effort.

[5] a game a lot liketaxation - you drivehard to get to thegreen, and then youfind yourself in a hole.

GOLF CART;noun

[1] A popular mode oftransportation be-cause, unlike a caddie,it can neither count,criticize, nor snicker.

GOLFER; noun

[1] a person who yells"fore," takes six, andputs down five.

[2] a guy who has theadvantage over a fish-erman - he doesn'thave to bring homeanything when hebrags he had a greatday.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201018Dividing something into squares is known as graticulation.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Attention all former customers:

come check out my new shopfor all your body repairs

& paint jobs!

Phone: 333-32311164 Minot Ave.

(behind Dealer Worx)

Dan Wyman, OwnerMajor & Minor Repairs • Brake Service • Tune-ups

Electrical Diagnostic Testing • AC Service • Exhaust • State Inspections

68 Adams Ave in LewistonNOW Open Saturdays 8AM - Noon 783-0581

ONE-STOP AUTO SERVICEBrake Service • Custom Exhaust • Shocks & Struts • Used Car Sales • ABS LightTires • Tune-ups • Rust Repair & Body Work • Engine Overhauls • Transmission

Overhauls • Custom Paint • Motorcycle Tanks & Fenders • Restorations & Rebuilds

304 Lisbon Road • Lisbon

353-6100THE SHOP

I just got my new custom-made

exhaust at The Shop!


Fan Jam 2010


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 19783-7039

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

The first animated characters on TV commercials were the Ajax pixies.

M & P AUTO SALES

2005 Monte Carlo, V6, Auto, 70K, Black, Sharp! . . . . . . . . . . .$6,9952003 Chevy Silverado, Black, Ext. Cab, 4.8 Auto. . . . . . . . . . .$10,8002002 Ford Windstar, Dual Sliders, 109K, Loaded, Red . . . . . . .$4,500

2005 Hyundai Tiburon33K, Auto, Maroon

Roosevelt Trail • North Windham • 892-0932 or 754-4867

1994 Chevy 2500Reg. Cab, Ready to Work, 103K, White

1996 Chevy Kodiak Car Carrier21’ Steel Body, New Tires & Brakes, 3116 Cat, Auto,

Needs some work

2007 Pontiac Grand Prix62K, Silver, Sharp Car, Aluminum Wheels, PW, PL, AC, FWD

ww

w.M

an

dP

au

tosa

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$7,995

1998 GMC 2500 Cargo Van86k, 1-Row Seating, Maroon

$3,995$7,995

$9,950

2006 Ford F250 Superduty4WD, Xcab, 92k, FX4 Off-road Package, V8, Auto,

Aluminum Wheels

$7,000

$14,995

Roosevelt Trail • North Windham

892-0932 or 754-4867

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

JULY 200920

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Cranberries get their name from Crane-berry - they grow on a stalk that looks like a crane's neck.

The extra money you’ve been looking for CAN BE YOURS...We have the financing for you!

• LOW RATES• LOW PAYMENTS• EXTENDED TERMS• ONE HOUR LOANS

Great FallsFederal Credit Union

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192760 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 753-0500

www.greatfallsfcu.com

Ways Uncle Andy Annoys People: He stomps on little plastic ketchup packets.

The Points System

For all of us guys outthere who just can't fig-ure it out, here it is: Inthe world of romance,one single rule applies:Make the womanhappy.

Do something she likesand you get points. Dosomething she dislikesand points are sub-tracted. You don't getany points for doingsomething she ex-pects...Sorry, that's theway the game isplayed.

Simple Duties:You make the bed ...+1You make the bed, butforget to add the deco-rative pillows..............0You throw the bed-spread over rumpledsheets.......................-1You leave the toiletseat up ....................-5You replace the toiletpaper roll when it'sempty........................0When the toilet paperroll is barren, you re-sort to Kleenex........-1When the Kleenex runsout you shuffle slowly tothe next bathroom ...-2You check out a suspi-cious noise at night ...0You check out a suspi-cious noise and it'snothing ....................0You check out a suspi-cious noise and it'ssomething...............+5You pummel it with asix iron .................+10It's her father ........-10

Her Birthday:You take her out to din-

(continued on next page)

1111 Center StreetAuburn

Cell: 754-0310Tel: 782-6515

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING

AUTO BODY & SALES

MARCH SPECIAL!2000 JeepWrangler

Sahara Package6 Cyl., 5 Speed, A/C,

CD Player, 90K

$9,995


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 21783-7039 75% of stage and screen actors do not use their real names.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Ask about a great deal on an

07, 08 or 09 leftoverArctic Cat snowmobile

SHARE OUR PASSION

AMESSPORTS SHOP

84 Littlefield Road (off Hotel Road)

Auburn • 782-4917

2010 MODELS IN STOCK!

ner ............................0You take her out to din-ner and it's not a sportsbar ..........................+1Okay, it is a sportsbar............................-2And it's all-you-can-eatnight.........................-3It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, andyour face is painted thecolors of your favoriteteam.......................-10

A Night Out With The Boys:Go out with a pal ....-5And the pal is happilymarried ...................-4Or frighteningly single................................-7And he drives a Mustang ...............-10

A Night Out:You take her to amovie.....................+2You take her to amovie she likes...............................+4You take her to amovie you hate...............................+6You take her to amovie you like................................-2It's called DeathCop 3................................-3You lied and said itwas a foreign filmabout orphans ......-15

Your Physique:You develop a notice-able potbelly .........-15You develop a notice-able potbelly and exer-cise to get rid of it ..+10You develop a notice-able potbelly and resortto loose jeans andbaggy Hawaiian shirts..............................-30You say "I don't give a

(continued from previous page)

(continued on page 23)

"Am I indecisive?" Can I get back to you on that? – Uncle Andy

Tim Luttrell said it was a lot ofwork representing Kora at theEast-West game recently in

Orlando...

One minute I’m hanging withthe Wing House Girls...

Then I'm feeding a camel acarrot.

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Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201022

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons

GOT HEAT?? FREE Winter Checkup With Ad

2085 Lisbon Road, Lewiston • www.ChapmanCollision.com

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Filming in cemetery angers residents

PIERRE’S AUTO BODY SHOP & SALES

57 US Highway 202 • Leeds • 946-5692

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• State Inspection• Headlight

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We fix everything but a broken heart!

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Brad Johnson

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Looking for a truck? Look no further!Huge selection & new inventory arriving daily

We also have a large selection of cars & SUV’s

258 Middle Rd. (Rte. 9)Sabattus, ME

375-7187www.Sabattusauto.com

Volvo Problems?Complete Volvo Service & Expert Repair

FOREIGN CAR SERVICE CO.140 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 782-9300

VolvoSpecialist.net • Dave Sheloske, Owner

Make a Friend... Find

Uncle Andy’s Digest

on Facebook!


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 23783-7039

Actress Cheryl Ladd started her career as the singing voice of the character Melody on the 1970's cartoon Josie and the Pussycats.

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning

Complete Auto & Truck Repair• Front End Alignments• Engine Diagnostics• Custom Exhaust• Tires, Batteries

10% OFFwith this ad

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• Transmission Flush• State Inspections• Complete Front End Work• Tune-ups

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A $5.95 value! OFFER CANNOT BE COMBINED WITH ANY OTHER OFFER, DISCOUNT OR PROMOTION.

COUPON CODE: UANDY ISO • Expires 3-31-10

darn because you haveone too"................-800

The Big Question:She asks, "Do I lookfat?" ........................-5You hesitate in responding ............-10You reply, "Where?"...............................-35

Communication:When she wants to talkabout a problem, youlisten, displaying whatlooks like a concernedexpression.................0When she wants totalk, you listen, for over30 minutes...............+5You listen for morethan 30 minutes with-out looking at the TV...............................+10She realizes this is because you've fallenasleep ....................-20

(continued from page 21)


Fan Jam 2010

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Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201024

"Weird" Al Yankovic received a Bachelor's degree in Architecture in 1981.He also served as valedictorian of his high school at age 16.

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDECrackerjackLumberjack

A large, well estab-lished, Canadian lum-ber camp advertisedthat they were lookingfor a good lumberjack.

The very next day, askinny little manshowed up at the campwith his axe, andknocked on the headlumberjacks' door. Thehead lumberjack tookone look at the littleman and told him toleave.

"Just give me a chanceto show you what I cando," said the skinnyman.

"Okay, see that giantoak over there?" saidthe lumberjack. "Takeyour axe and go cut itdown."

The skinny man headedfor the tree, and in fiveminutes he was backknocking on the lumber-jack's door. "I cut thetree down," said theman.

The lumberjack couldn'tbelieve his eyes andsaid, "Where did youget the skill to chopdown trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest,"replied the puny man.

"You mean the SaharaDesert," said the lum-berjack.

The little man laughedand answered back,"Oh sure, that's whatthey call it now!"

Ray Berube, owner


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 25783-7039

Billboard Top 40 hits 1964: The song We Love You Beatles by the Carefrees was on thecharts while The Beatles had seven songs of their own in the Top 40.

Billboard Top 40 hits 1984-85: Rick Springfield had the minor hit Bruce while Bruce Springsteen was charting himself with Born in the U.S.A.

Will to Remember

Submitted by Jimbo

A lawyer was readingout the will of a richman to the peoplementioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wifeRose, who stood byme in rough times, aswell as good, I leaveher the house and $2million."

The lawyer continued,"To my daughter Jes-sica, who looked afterme in sickness andkept the businessgoing, I leave her theyacht, the businessand $1 million."

The lawyer concluded,"And, to my cousinDan, who hated me,argued with me, andthought that I wouldnever mention him inmy will - well you arewrong. Hi Dan!"

A grasshopper goesinto a bar and hops onto a barstool to order adrink. The bartendersays "You know, wehave a drink namedafter you?

The grasshopperreplies, "Really! Youhave a drink namedEddie?"

The last thing to hap-pen is the ultimate. Thenext-to-last is thepenultimate, and thesecond-to-last is theantepenultimate.

LET UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST SHINESOME LIGHT ON YOUR BUSINESS!LET UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST SHINE

SOME LIGHT ON YOUR BUSINESS!

For affordable, local advertising there’s one clear choice...

“Doing business without advertising is like winking in the dark. You know what you’re

doing, but nobody else does!”– Jay Conrad Levinson

Guerrilla Marketing

ADVERTISING FORECAST:Mostly sunny with highs

in profit margin

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTThe Most Unusual Digest in America

UNCLEANDYS.COM

9 Grove Street in Auburn • (207) [email protected]

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201026

AUTOMOTIVE GUIDE

Billboard Top 40 hits 1987: Both the ABC song When Smokey Sings and Smokey Robinson's song One Heartbeat were in the Top 10 at the same time.

Billboard Top 40 hits 1992: Weird Al had the hit Smells Like Nirvana at the same time thatNirvana had the hit Come As You Are.

EXPERIENCED QUALITY SERVICE

Bob & Bonnie Merrill, owners

HORSEPOWER AUTOCARE, INC.44 Roosevelt Trail, Rt. 302 • Windham • 892-9420 • 1-800-339-9420

Monday - Friday 8am-5pm • www.horsepowerautocare.com

QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all

We perform manufacturer’s vehicle maintenance and scheduled services

• Transmission Flushes

• Shocks, struts

• Brakes, exhaust

• Chassis, alignment

• Engine performance

• State Inspection

• Fuel systems

• And more!

Maineʼs AAAApproved

Repair Facilitysince 1990!

Out ’n About with“Miami Mike”

That’s right all youMaineiacs, you guessed it,the Maine famous UncleAndy’s Digest is takingover the world. Yes this is areal photo… no Photoshopalterations. Also true is thatUncle Andy’s was the onlyMaine publication with a pricetag of “FREE” to have a repre-sentative in attendance,which would be me, MiamiMike.

Actually, Uncle Andy’s paysyou by saving you money inthe Uncle Andy’s Super SaverPages. If you can’t find agood deal there, you betterhead over to Auburn Mall EyeCare cuz your eyes ain’tworkin’.

I was privileged enough tobe an eye witness to the NFL’sfirst Pro Bowl outside Hawaiisince 1980.

You might ask the fellasover at Horse Power Auto-care, Inc., who have beenserving locals since 1979, ifthey have any recollection ofthe Pro Bowl prior to Hawaii.I know there may be possiblyone or two Patriots fans whomight take a gander at this lit-tle masterpiece of journalism,one of which who might bethinking a Pro Bowl withoutMr. Tom Brady on the grid-iron is about as appealing asBrussels sprouts to a six yearold. I will say that you all willbe ecstatic to hear thatamongst the barrage of jer-seys I saw more Patriots’ red,white and blue, from Welkerto good ole Teddy Bruschi.Someone has got to tellMutha that without a doubt Isaw more Red Sox parapher-nalia than the stinky J-E-T-Sgreen garb and thankfullynothing at all of that so-calledbaseball team somewhere inthe Bronx. Until next month,may the Digest be with you!

All Grown Up

A man took his little boy to the zoo for the very firsttime. Each time they would see a new animal the lit-tle boy would ask, "What's that?" And each time thefather would explain. When they came to a pen witha very large bird inside the father said, "And that,

Timmy, is a Stork."

The boy stood there for a few moments and thenbegan to wave and say, "Hi! I'm Timmy!" After sev-eral times of repeating this he finally turned to hisfather and exclaimed, "Guess I'm all grown up, Dad,he doesn't recognize me."


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 27783-7039 Did You Know: The world's largest consumer of sugar is Coca-Cola.


Fan Jam 2010

596 Main Street, Oxford (1 mile south of Oxford Plains Speedway) 207-539-8811

FACTORY DEMO DAYS JUNE 4TH & 5THLicensed Riders Wanted

2010’SARE HERE!

COME SEETHE NEW

CROSS BIKES

OUR BIGGESTSALES EVENT

EVER.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

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Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201028

Did You Know: There are about as many nerve cells in your brain as there are stars in our galaxy (give or take a billion).

www.donovansauto.com946-7515 • 1-800-8856

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website

SENIORS SONNET

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Dis-count."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;And there, once again, got quite a surprise.The clerk poured some coffee which he handedto me.He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;But some things are changing, temporarily, I'msure.The newspaper print gets smaller each day,And people speak softer---can't hear what theysay.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),and my glasses identify people I meet.Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by thesun.You should see all the damage that chlorine hasdone.Washing my hair has turned it all white,But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"My car has no scratches...not even a dent.Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hellbent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me.They seem much more wrinkled, from what I cansee.I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,But don't call me old...just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building todayAre so high that they take...your breath all away;And the streets are much steeper than ten yearsago.That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,I'm not really old...I'm only mature.

~Author Unknown

Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison were all 27 years oldwhen they died.


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 29783-7039 Did You Know: A number is divisible by 3 if the sum of its digits is divisible by 3.

Did You Know: A number is divisible by 8 if its last three digits are divisible by 8.

WE ARE MAINE’S LARGEST FULL LINE DEALER



EVER.

FULL LINE INSTOCK!

Out & About withthe AndroscogginAdvisory Partners

at their mini trade show

Jim Betsch

Jane Clavet

Peter Landry

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words):

To write with a brokenpencil is pointless.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201030Did You Know: Your heart beats over 2.2 billion times by the time you are 60 years old.

CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com

9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME • (207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414

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23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

Expert Custom Framing

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Bring your next framing job to D&R Framing and get

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*Regular glass - up to24”x30” • A $22 Value!

Sabattus Bait & TackleShiners • Smelt • Tommy Cod

Worms • SuckersBlood Worms

Open 7 days a week 4:30am - 7:00pm435 Middle Rd./Rte. 9 • Sabattus, ME 04280

Days (207) 375-8728 • Evenings (207) 375-4581Cell (207) 576-9759

The Poland PTSAVendor Fair is Satur-day, March 27 from9:00am-2:00pm at theBruce M. Whittier Mid-dle School on Route26 in Poland. Free ad-mission to great shop-ping, food, and fun.Vendors such as Sil-pada, Creative Memo-ries, Pampered Chefand more will be there.Proceeds benefit stu-dents in grades K-8.Interested vendors orcrafters may callMichelle at 998-4013for space information.

I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either. – Uncle Andy

House Building 101Submitted by Jimbo

Uncle Andy and Travisdrove to Pineland Lum-ber. They were in a hurryso Uncle Andy walked inthe office and said, "Weneed some four-by-twos."

Neal said, "You meantwo-by-fours, don't you?"

Uncle Andy said, "I'll gocheck," and went back tothe truck to ask Travis.He returned a minutelater and said, "Yeah, Imeant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do youneed them?"

Uncle Andy paused for aminute and said, "I'd bet-ter go check."

After awhile, he returnedto the office and said, "Along time. We're gonnabuild a house."


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 31783-7039

Did You Know: Every odd number greater than 7 is the sum of three prime numbers.

If you aren't going to go all the way, why go at all?– Joe Namath

XTREME DEALS ON REMAINING ‘09’S2010’S ARE HERE!


SEE DETAILS ATOUR STORE


EVER.Tawnya Matthews


at their mini trade showUncle Andy asked a few ofthem to close their eyes if

they thought this was agreat tradeshow...

Strange Lawsuits

A man was invited tohis parents' house tocelebrate the Fourth ofJuly. And when one ofthe fireworks hebrought with him to theparty did not ignite, hewent over to inspect it,and it exploded in hisface. He sued his par-ents, the co-worker whosold him the fireworks,and his employer.

Fern the Wine Guy

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Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201032

How rare and wonderful is that flash of a moment when we realize we have discovered a friend. – William Rostler

A bathometer is an instrument for indicating the depth of the sea beneath a moving vessel.


at their mini trade showUncle Andy asked a few ofthem to close their eyes if

they thought this was agreat tradeshow...

Emile Clavet

Could it be that allthose trick-or-treaterswearing sheets are

dressing up as mattresses?

Irish AmericanEatery & Pub

Introducing L/A’s 2 newest restaurants & pubs!

Great Food, Friends, Spirits & Entertainment

34 Court St. (Across from Gritty’s) • Auburn

Facebook us at OSheas Bar

DOORS OPEN AT 5PM FOR DINNER

L/A’s Biggest

Event!St. Patrick s Day

An all-day, all-night St. Pattyʼs Day celebration

Authentic Irish tunes playingthroughout the day

Authentic Irish menu ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT

Join us at 6-10am for Guinness & Eggs!

Sun Acoustic JamMon The Matt Fournier Project BandTues Karaoke & DJ DancingWed Open Mic & DJ MusicThur DJ & Live BandsFri DJ’s & KaraokeSat DJ & Live Bands (80s Night)

ENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP

The one day everyone’s Irish!

OPEN 7 DAYS & NIGHTS A WEEKOpening for

Lunch in March

MARCH SPECIAL

$1 PABSTS$1 GUINNESS

ALL THE TIME

Come dance with O’Shea’s

Magic Lucky Leprechaun

6am-Noon Irish Music All Mornin’Noon-4pm Mike & Rich “The Irish Twins”4pm-7pm Remo’s Irish Flair Duo & Guests7pm-10pm Open Mic Night hosted by Irish Mike

(A crazy amount of local musicians attending thisIrish Jam - Bagpipes will make a showing!

10pm-1am The Waps perform LIVE

St. Pattyʼs Day Line-up

GIVEAWAYS ALL DAY LONG

Hats • Beads

St. Patty’s Day Garb

CLUBTEXAS

EveryFridaynight! DJ B-SET

We hope to see YOU at Club Texas!

THURSDAYSAction Packed Thursdayswith DJ B-Set

FRIDAYSLadies NightBeer & Drink Specials

SATURDAYSLive EntertainmentENTERTAINMENT LINE-UP

150 Center St. Auburn • 784-7785 • ClubTexas.info

UPCOMING EVENTS

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS

ALWAYS A DJ IN THE PUB !

ANALOG SALADFRI. MAR. 5TH

MONSTERSAT. MAR. 6TH

DISORDERLY CONDUCTFRI. MAR. 12TH

DIRTY MCCURDYSAT. MAR. 13TH

MATT & THE BARNBURNERSFRI. MAR. 19TH

SIDECAR RADIO, LOST ON LIFTOFF & TWISTED ROOTSAT. MAR. 20TH

BEYOND THE FALL, SINFIST& FIFTH FREEDOM

FRI. MAR. 26TH

L-A HARLEY FAN JAM 2010w/ the L-A Harley Band

& Vegetables by DaySAT. MAR. 27TH

AC/DC BACK IN BLACKTRIBUTE BAND

SAT. APR. 3RD

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Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201034

"Fortnight" is a contraction of "fourteen nights."

More than 99.9% of all the animal species that have ever lived on earth were extinct before the coming of man.

This Month’s SpecialsFREE 12 oz. can of Soda

with Purchase of any 10” Fresh Dough Pizza

Large Meatball Sub$4.39

Roadies 6 pc. Chicken Tender Snack$6.39

Out & About at the Lions Tournament

Strap on your skates, Elmo. You can be a bench warmer

for our team!

I’m a little chilly. Can I be a bench

warmer, too?


the World

AT&T fired PresidentJohn Walter after ninemonths, saying helacked "intellectualleadership". He re-ceived a $26 millionseverance package.Perhaps it's not Walter who's lackingintelligence...

Bird TalkSubmitted by Jimbo

My mom likes sitting by the park feeding thepigeons. One day she brought with her awhole bun of fresh bread just to feed herdaily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch,she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat therewithout being noticed by anyone in our rich

suburban neighborhood. Then suddenly aman in his early 40's rained on my mom'sparade by telling her that she shouldn'tthrow away good food on a bunch of pi-geons that can find food anywhere whenthere are a lot of people starving in Africa.

Then my mother said in crazed anger andwithout hesitation, "Well, I can't throw thatfar!"


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 35783-7039

The Gregorian calendar was introduced by Pope Gregory in 1582 AD, and was adopted by Great Britain and the English colonies in 1752.

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Get in a whole NEW rut!

March Home GamesFri. Mar 5 vs. Chicoutimi 7pmSun. Mar 7 vs. Montreal 4pmWed. Mar 10 vs. Drummondville 7pmTue. Mar 16 MAINEiacs Dinner & Awards Banquet @ Ramada Inn, Lewiston

PLEASE JOIN US...

For Individual Tickets call: 783-2009 For Group Tickets call 333-3267 x215

...FOR L/A’S MOST EXCITINGSHOW ON ICE!

LEWISTONHOCKEY.com

Sound Marketing

An interoffice softballgame was held everyyear between the mar-keting and support staffof one company.

The support staffwhipped the marketingdepartment soundly.

To show just "how" themarketing departmentearns their keep, theyposted this memo onthe bulletin board afterthe game:

"The Marketing Depart-ment is pleased to an-nounce that for the2009 Softball Season,we came in 2nd place,having lost but onegame all year. TheSupport Department,however, had a ratherdismal season, as theywon only one game."

IQ Test

Read this out loud:

This is this catThis is is catThis is how catThis is to catThis is keep catThis is a catThis is goober catThis is busy catThis is for catThis is forty catThis is seconds cat

Now go back and readthe THIRD word only,in each line from thestart.

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Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201036

Though the Richter scale goes to 10, 9 is estimated to be the point of total tectonic destruction from an earthquake (2 is the smallest that can be felt unaided.)

Politically Correct Statements for 2010: You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Close Encounters...The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you

are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

625 Washington Street, Auburn • 777-3339 • www.soundeffectsmaine.com

Remote Starters • Alarms • Car Audio • Boat AudioScott Feldman

TIRED OF GETTING INTO A COLD CAR?

Remote starters starting

at $159.95 installed!

INSTALL A REMOTESTARTER TODAY!

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225-5012www.dickautobody.com

• Collision Repair• Scratch & Dent Removal• Frame Straightening• Glass Replacement• Custom Paint Needs• And More!

Pole DriverSubmitted by Maggie Joyce

A phone company putan ad in the paper inorder to recruit work-ers. The next day, twogroups of workersshowed up - a crew ofthree skilled workersand an odd crew con-sisting of Uncle Andy,Jimbo and Travis.

The company could notdecide whom to givethe job to, so they gavethe two groups a test.The company bosssaid, "Each crew willreceive a telephonepole that must be in-stalled into the ground.Whoever is able to doit first will get the job."

Both groups agreedthat this was a fair test,so off they went incompany trucks withtelephone poles stick-ing out the back. A fewhours passed, and fi-nally, at 5:00, theskilled crew returned."Yes!" they shouted."We came back first,so we get the job!!"

"Good work, men."said the boss, "How-ever, we must wait untilthe other crew comesback to make sure thatthe reason they're de-layed is not because oftraffic or the truckbreaking down."

"Fine, no problem,"replied the crew. Anhour passed. Twohours passed and then



Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 37783-7039

Did You Know? Sweat glands can produce up to three gallons of sweat each day.

Did You Know? Hot fudge has no fudge – itʼs mostly corn syrup.

Marine Fish •

Coral •

Supplies •

272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

A salt water tank with marine fish is color-ful, exciting and will last

for years to come!

Marine Fish •

Coral •

Supplies •

272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372

three hours. Finally, at8:30, Uncle Andy,Jimbo and Travis ar-rived. They wereflushed and breathinghard, as if they had justgone through harshlabor.

"What happened toyou? What took solong?" asked the bossincredulously.

"What do you mean,'what took so long'? Dowe get the job?"

"YOU get the job? Noway! The other crewwere back hereHOURS ago!"

"Well, of course theywere," said thegoobers. "They onlyput the pole in a quar-ter of the way!!"


The Other Woman

One Saturday, as Momwas finishing the din-ner dishes, my fatherstepped up behind her.

"Would you like to goout, girl?" he asked.

Not even turningaround, my motherquickly replied, "Oh,yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderfulevening, and it wasn'tuntil the end of it thatDad confessed.

His question had actu-ally been directed tothe family dog, lyingnear Mom's feet on thekitchen floor.

Smart DogOne afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging thelaundry when an old, tired-looking dog wanderedinto the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walkedinto the house, he followed me, sauntered down thehall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, hewent to the door, and I let him out. The next day hewas back.

He resumed his position in the hallway and slept foran hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinneda note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dogcomes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinnedto his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201038A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day.

HARRIS BROTHERS

HARRISBROS.

Call us!No Separating Required!

743-3891PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

[email protected]

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARISMINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur in about 10 days without sleep, while starvation can take much longer.

DON’T FORGET YOUR FRIENDS ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS!Happy Birthday Patti Gagne

from your friends at...

Patti Gagne & Laurie OuelletteFlower Shoppe

777-1520940 Lisbon St., Lewiston

George O’Connell & Ray Bourqueof the Lewiston MAINEiacs & former Boston Bruin and Hall of Famer

The more I hear about this Uncle Andy guy,the more I’d love to check

him into the boards!

Yeah, I agree. Hecould use some

straightening out!

Annette Bourque & Mary EllingwoodSt. Mary’s Sisters of Charity

Health System

Out & About at the new St. Mary’s

Auburn Campus

Hi, my name is Mary

Look on the cover for 3 great reasons to choose

St. Mary’s & Auburn Medical Associates

If GH can stand for P as in HiccoughIf OUGH stands for O as in DoughIf PHTH stands for T as in PhthisisIf EIGH stands for A as in NeighborIf TTE stands for T as in GazetteIf EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATOshould be:

GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

600 Center Street Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn

786-0112

Mon - Fri 9 am - 7 pmSat 9 am - 3 pm

www.gregoryshairstyles.comBack L to R: Cheryl, Nuria, Tina, Pat, Terry & Kelly. Middle: Amy & Michael. Front: Linda, Cory & Kathy

Tina Dowd

Any Color Service with Tina in March

$10 OFF


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 39783-7039 A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

A fingernail or toenail takes about 6 months to grow from base to tip.

AUTHORIZED

8 teachers offering lessons in:Guitar, piano, violin, banjo, mandolin, voice, brass and woodwinds

134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com

Main St. Music Lessons& Instrument Repair 376-3376

We sell & rent new & used starter

packs for guitar and violin.

SERVICE CENTERWe service string instruments, amps, brass & woodwinds.

If you want to be a real GUITAR HERO, put down the video game and learn how to play a REAL GUITAR. We can teach you how!

Strings & accessories

available!

Yellowstone was the world's 1st national park. It was dedicated in 1872.

MAINE’S LARGEST COSTUME RENTAL SHOP!

Costumes of Maine20 Main St. Lisbon Falls • 353-2216

Easter - We Have Big Fluffy Bunnies!School Projects • Plays • Theme Party Costumes

costumesofmaine.com

Theatrical makeup, wigs, unique retail costumes & accessories

Drapeau ’ sMention this ad and yourfirst drum lesson is FREE*

*with your first month of lessons

DICK DEMERS SCHOOL OF DRUMMING25 Mary Street, Lewiston • 786-6861 • [email protected]

Now accepting studentsLearn to play

THE RIGHT WAY

Student of the Month

Tim Mills of Norway & Dick Demers

Uncle AndyʼsCamping Tips:

Get even with a bearwho raided your foodbag by kicking his fa-vorite stump apart andeating all the ants.


Lint from your navelmakes a handy firestarter.Warning: Remove lintfrom navel before applying the match.Pauline & Sue

Breakfast all day!

1485 Lisbon Street • Lewiston(next to Tire Warehouse) • 786-0667

We do catering from small groups to

big weddings!

Stop by and say hello. We’d love to see you again!Enjoy our weekly specials!

Delicious HomemadeSoup

Everything made fromscratch like Memère doesWarm & Friendly Service

Biscuit, Gravy,Home Fries

& Eggs

$5.95

�

�

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201040

A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speedsup to 60 mph.

After spending hours working at a computer monitor, look at a blank piece ofwhite paper. It will probably appear pink.

JASON HALL922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005

(Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)

STILL LOOKING FOR ME?

CCURATE CCOUNTING

& Tax Services, P.A.• Income Tax Returns • Sales & Use Tax • Payroll Taxes • Accounting Systems

Mon. FergyTues. Meatball or

Meatball w/CheeseWed. SpaghettiThurs. Mini PizzaFri. $1 OFF Any Large PizzaSat. 2 Ham or Salami ItaliansSun. Baked Ziti,

Bread & Salad

Daily Specials You’re gonna LOVEthese daily

specials!

Alexandragranddaughter of Bev at Luiggi’s

Elizabeth & RussSt. Mary’s Sisters of Charity Health System

Thank you to everyone who visited St. Mary’s new

Auburn Campus!

Out & About at the new St. Mary’s Auburn Campus

I couldn’t have said it better

myself, Elizabeth!Elizabeth

Russ

Smile AwardWinners


the World

Police in Los Angeleshad good luck with arobbery suspect whojust couldn't controlhimself during a line-up. When detectivesasked each man in theline-up to repeat thewords, "Give me allyour money or I'llshoot," the manshouted, "That's notwhat I said!"

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips:Modern rain suits made of fabrics that"breathe" enable campers to stay dry ina downpour. Rain suits that sneeze,cough, and belch, however, have beenproven to add absolutely nothing tothe wilderness experience.

Uncle Andyʼs Camping Tips:

Take this simple test to see if youqualify for solo camping: Shine aflashlight into one ear. If the beamshines out the other ear, do not gointo the woods alone. (Uncle Andyfailed this test)


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 41783-7039

An average human drinks about 16,000 gallons of water in a lifetime.

A sneeze can exceed the speed of 100 mph.

Located on Rt. 115 in North Windham • 892-8220

Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average man nevertrimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

87 Mill St.New Auburn, ME(207) 753-0171

(for take-out)

• Unusual Omelettes• Crepes• Breakfast All Day• Extensive Menu

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!

Rolly’s Diner

Richard Morlock

I love Rolly’s breakfast... and Iguess Uncle Andy’s

Digest is pretty good, too.

If Dr. SeussWrote Technical

Manuals

If a packet hits apocket on a socket ona port,and the bus is inter-rupted as a very lastresort,and the address of thememory makes yourfloppy disk abort,the socket packetpocket has an error toreport.

If your cursor finds amenu item followed bya dash,and the double clickingicons put your windowin the trash,and your data is cor-rupted 'cause the indexdoesn't hash,then your situation'shopeless and your sys-tem's gonna crash.

If the label on yourcable on the gable atyour housesays the network isconnected to the but-ton on your mouse,but your packets wantto tunnel to anotherprotocol,that's repeatedly re-jected by the printerdown the hall.

And your screen is alldistorted by the side ef-fects of gauss,so your icons in thewindow are as wavy asa souse,then you may as wellreboot and go out witha bang,'cause as sure as I'm a


There are more statues of Sacajawea, Lewis & Clark's female Indian guide, in the United States than any other person.

Vermont, admitted as the 14th state in 1791, was the 1st addition to the original 13 colonies.783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

JULY 200942

poet, the sucker'sgonna hang!

When the copy of yourfloppy's getting sloppyon the disk,and the microcode in-structions cause un-necessary RISC,then you have to flashyour memory and you'llwant to RAM yourROM,quickly turn off yourcomputer and be sureto tell your mom!




Rose Pelletier

Kim Robitaille

Assisted Home CareFor more information visit us at:

550 College St., Lewiston, ME783-7375

Assisted Home CareMarch Employee of the Month

CourtneyLane-Hebert

Courtney has been with AssistedHome Care since October of 2005.She works mainly with our privateduties and has the magic touch ofcompassion.

Her residents request her for theircare and she is always willing to gothe extra mile for them. If theyshould end up in the hospital,Courtney is right there with them,making sure they are safe and com-fortable. She continually checks onthem, making sure the client andfamilies’ needs are taken care of.

Congratulations Courtney for beingour employee of the month. Thankyou for being part of our family andkeep up the good work!

We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

Home Care Means...More privacy - you get personal care in your own home.Convenience - continuity of care.Comfort - being in your own home.Shorter Recovery Time - people recoup better at home.Nursing care by qualified caregivers.

782-9009 • 20 Coburn Street, Auburn (Off Center St., across from D’Angelos)Open Monday-Saturday • www.panachehairandnailstudio.com

• Facials• Manicures • Pedicures

• Massage• Artificial Nails• Cuts & Styles

• Colors & Highlights• Waxing• Reflexology

• Arbonne Make-up• Eyelash Tinting• Extensions

Spring is near… it’s time to feel renewed & rejuvenated!

Come in for your highlights, manicures, pedicures, waxing & facials

Package #11/2 hour facial &

1/2 hour massage

Don’t forget you can always add a cut & color, too!

$60

Package #21 hour

pedicure& 1 hour massage

$95

Package #31 hour facial

& 1 hour massage

$110

Package #41 hour

couples massage

$110

Christine Daniel Emily

Kasey LynnMichelle

Cindy Elizabeth

Kathy

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201044

Bartering was first recorded in Egypt over 4,500 years ago.

The first record of a coin is by Croesus, King of Lydia (now part of Turkey).

Out & About with theAndroscoggin

Advisory Partnersat their mini trade show

Sue Dunn

Jeanine Betsch

Cookie Dean & Heidi Cook

Forgiveness does notchange the past,

but it does enlarge the future.

*APR=Annual Percentage Rate. 3 year rate shown; payments per $1,000 = $29.86. Rates subject to change without notice. Refinancing from other institutions is welcome. Some restrictions may apply. Subject to credit approval. Member Eligibility Required.

Special Loan Promotionon Boats, Motorcycles & ATV’s

No payments until May, 2010 on any Boat, Motorcycle or ATV purchased

on or after March 20th

ThinkSpring into your new

boat, motorcycle or

ATV with us!

APR* is as low as 4.75% for up

to 36 months


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 45783-7039

The worldʼs smallest coin weighed only .002 grams and was from Nepal.

The worldʼs heaviest coin was from Sweden and weighed 43 pounds 7 1/4 oz.

Still at 120 Center Street Plaza in AuburnNow next to VIP Eyes & Tin Tin Buffet

We’ve Moved... But Not Far!

120 Center Street • Auburn

784-9900www.auburngoinpostal.com

Shippingmade easy!

PAYROLLMANAGEMENT, INC.

We want to be the easiestpart of your week!

783-6880 or 800-734-6880 • www.payrollmgt.com

Your local option for outsourcing your payroll...Payroll Management has been serving the payroll needs for small and midsize companies since 1989.

100 Manley Road, Auburn

Hours: Closed Sun & Mon • Tues-Sat 9-71600 Main Street • Oxford • 744-0041

California Highlights $49 & Up

$10 off Colors & Perms$15 wash, cut & dry

We Carry Paul Mitchell ProductsGift Certificates are available

Stacy Cobb & Jo-Ann LajoieNorthwestern Mutual Financial Network

Out & About with the Androscoggin Advi-sory Partners at their mini trade show

Daryl Lamore, Tom Giberti & John PetrocelliPetro’s, Landscapes of L/A, Petro’s

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201046

Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: You don't have smelly gym socks,you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

The largest check ever written was from the American ambassador to the Indian government for $1,279,187,490.

March!



Dr. Steve Flynn

Chris Goding & Dee Dee Whittemore

Jo-AnnLajoie

Ronald Jean

Call 783-6190

TODAY

Five Star Tax Service • 27 Cram Avenue, Lewiston • 783-6190

Home Visitation Available

Five Star Tax Service� Personal & Commercial

Income Tax Preparation

� Business Proprietorship

� Rental Properties

� Professional & Accurate

� Reasonable Rates

0% Financing for 12 months on all appliances

0% Financing for 12 months on all appliances

67 Centre Street • Bath, ME 04530Local: (207) 443-4711 • Toll-free: 800-734-6963

GE® ENERGY STAR® 4.0 IEC CU. FT. KING-SIZE CAPACITY FRONT LOAD WASHER

WITH STAINLESS STEEL BASKETModel: WCVH6800JBB (Black): ENERGY STAR® Qualified: Meets or exceedsfederal guidelines for year-round energy and money savings. Handles a king-size comforter or 24 full-size bath towels with ease. LED indicators let youknow exactly which cycle is in progress. Tracks water pressure and stores in-formation from previous cycles to calculate optimal cycle times. Increaseswash temperature to clean tough stains on loads like white cottons. Reversingwash action offers great cleaning performance with gentle wash motion.

$799

Invest your INCOME TAX RETURN

with us!

For every $100 you spend you’ll

receive an additional$10 OFFOne coupon per customer

FRIGIDAIRE® AFFINITY 3.5 CU. FT.FRONT LOAD WASHER

Model: FAFW3511KW (White): WashSense technology ensures clothes getclean with care. Advanced Rinse Technology: Final rinse uses fresh water to en-sure whiter whites and reduce allergens. Balance Control System: Vibrationcontrol technology keeps even oversized loads balanced for smooth, quiet oper-ation. Ideal for use on second floors. Quick Cycle: A fast, 25-minute wash cycle.Add-a-Garment: With just the touch of a button, easily add an extra piece to thewasher once a cycle has started.

$699

$50Energy StarEfficiency Rebate

$100Cash Back Rebate

$50Efficiency MaineRebate

$50Mail In Rebate

FRIGIDAIRE® 24˝ BUILT-IN DISHWASHER

Model: FDN1100RHS (White): ENERGY STAR®

certified. 3 wash levels, UltraQuiet™ II soundpackage; Precision Wash® , removable filter trap,stainless steel food disposer, adjustable rinse aiddispenser. Heavy, normal, light and rinse-onlycycles, heat/no heat dry cycles, hi-temp wash.

$299

FRIGIDAIRE® 30” FREESTANDING GAS RANGE

Model: FGF368GB (Black): High-output sealed power burnerswith a 16,000 BTU Power Plus Burner and 14,000 and 12,000BTU Power Burners, our ranges provide a wide variety of heat-ing options for large pots and pans.

$549

$50Mail In Rebate

$599

$50Mail In Rebate

GE® 30” FREESTANDING ELECTRIC RANGEModel: JB640DPBB (Black): Self clean allows you to spare yourself fromthe trouble and effort it takes to scrub the oven interior. Remarkably largeoven interior is ideal for holidays, dinner parties and everyday family cook-ing. Electronic touch pads on the control panel make controlling your oveneffortless. A large, 2700-watt element provides exceptional cooking power.Elegant shaped window makes it easy to monitor the progress of food. Top-and-bottom heating produces uniform browning and fast oven preheating.

Maine’s Best Appliance Store! Bath & LewistonMaine’s Best Appliance Store! Bath & Lewiston

$749

$50Mail InRebate

$100InstantRebate

FRIGIDAIRE® GALLERY 30”FREESTANDING GAS RANGE

Model: FGGF3031KB (Black): Quick Boil: Boils waterfast. Low Simmer Burner: Perfect for delicate foodsand sauces. Continuous grates make it easy to moveheavy pots and pans between burners without lifting.Programmable from 1 to 24 hours.

GE® BUILT-IN DISHWASHER

Model: GDWF100RBB (Black): Bright annealedstainless steel interior, PureClean wash systemwith 5-stage filtration, SaniWash cycle reduces99.999% of harmful germs and bacteria, 2/4/8-hour delay start, nylon racks designed to resistrust and secure dishes.

$549

$50Mail In Rebate

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201050

There are 138 stock exchanges in the world.

Many countries have a central bank to keep watch on private banks.

111 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • 782-4104

Waving goodbye to winterand smiling for the arrival of spring

Come into The Hairemand see what a new look can bring!

Front row (l to r) Donna Collet, Betty Chadwick, Donna Noel, Carmen Kelly. Back row (l to r) Janice Blais, Bridget Cailler, Amy Laroche, Becky Smith-Papsis

Flight Pattern

Fifteen minutes into theflight from Portland toLas Vegas, the captainannounced, "Ladies andgentlemen, one of ourengines has failed.There is nothing toworry about. Our flightwill take an hour longerthan scheduled, but westill have three enginesleft."

Thirty minutes later thecaptain announced,"One more engine hasfailed and the flight willtake an additional twohours. But don't worry...we can fly just fine ontwo engines."

An hour later the cap-tain announced, "Onemore engine has failedand our arrival will bedelayed another threehours. But don't worry...we still have one engineleft."

Uncle Andy turned tothe man in the next seatand remarked, "If welose one more engine,we'll be up here all day!"

A man is giving aspeech at his lodgemeeting. He gets a bitcarried away and talksfor two hours.

Finally, he realizeswhat he is doing andsays, "I'm sorry I talkedso long. I left my watchat home."

A voice from the backof the room says,

"There's a calendar behind you."

$100 OFFLimit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10

Whole Home Generator Package

Electrical Systems Of Maine1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

Uncle Andy’s Super Saver Page

Advertise your special

discount here! Call us today at

783-7039.

20% OFFLimit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10

Buy more Save more!

19 Industrial Way, Oxford • 539-9022

UPTO

See page 10 for more information

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/31/

10

945 Center Street. Auburn

795-7777

Center Street Cafe

$1 OFFAny purchase of $5 or more

Tues. • Wed. • Thurs. Only

SAVE $1

Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/1047 Broad St., Auburn • 782-9044

YUMMY!

Andy’s Baked Beans & Tavern

1 Large Bean Special1 quart of beans, 1 pint of cole slaw, 1 bread

$6 (Regular price = $7)

R E S T A U R A N T

$1.00 OFFLimit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10

Monday - Thursday Only

Route 4 • 868 Auburn Road • Turner • 225-2323

Any purchase of$7.00 or more

YOULY’S

Limit one per transaction - Expires 3/31/10

Ski & Bike Service9 North River Rd. Auburn, Me.

784-0103

$10 OFFSki or Snowboard Tuneup

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10

1485 Lisbon St., Lewiston

786-0667

Fran’s Restaurant

$1 OFFBiscuit, Gravy, Home Fries & Eggs

Reg. price = $6.95

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10

Al’s HVAC 782-6336

Save $400in heating fuel over a years time

Furnace Cleaning Special $149.95

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SAVE 10%on your next VW or AUDI service

878-9088

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201052

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.

The sound of a snore (up to 69 decibels) can be almost as loud as the noise of a pneumatic drill.

The body's largest internal organ is the small intestine at an average length of 20 feet.

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage,Homefries, Toast.............$3.55

TUESDAY: Two eggs, CornbeefHash, Toast.....................$3.55

WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes ........................$3.55

THURSDAY: French Toast ......$3.55FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette ..$3.55SATURDAY: Two Golden

pancakes w/Sausage ......$3.55SUNDAY: French Crepes ........$3.55

Prices do not include tax.

Fresh steakcut and ground daily.

Open Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm

5 Washington St., Auburn

783-4304 Phone Orders Are Welcome

$1OFF

Any Purchase

of $500

or more1 coupon per order

�Expires 3/31/10

You asked… we listened! A new

brand of coffee!

BREAKFAST SPECIALS“All breakfast specials include coffee.”

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com71” Plasma • 13 Plasma TVs in all

vs.Come early to get your seat!

Easter Sunday, April 4thSit in the bleachers & enjoy:

Bleacher Beers • Fenway FranksStadium Sausages

Opening Day First Pitch at 8pm



Jane Cyr

Julie Poulin

NinaHicks

Ever wonder what thespeed of lightningwould be if it didn't

zigzag?


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 53783-7039

The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food.

The tips of fingers and the soles of feet are covered by a thick, tough layer of skin called the stratum corneum.

Full Foil & Cut

$59*only

ORBITHAIR

STYLING

Limited Time Offer. Very long hair may be additional.

*New clients only-not visited in the past year.

Visit

www.OrbitHair.comto book your appointment online

or call

782-9046

124 Ash St. Lewiston

10 Switzerland Rd. • Lewiston (Across from L-A Harley) • 576-5412 • [email protected]: Mon.-Thu. Noon-8pm • Sat. 10-5 • Call for Sunday Hours

Cash paidfor used guitars, amps & drums in any condition!

Silly News FromAround the World

A man walked into aTopeka, Kansas KwikShop, and asked for allthe money in the cashdrawer. Apparently, thetake was too small, sohe tied up the storeclerk and worked thecounter himself forthree hours until policeshowed up andgrabbed him.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201054

MORE Silly Laws! Hartford, CN: Itʼs illegal to walk across the street on your hands.

MORE Silly Laws! Kentucky: Anyone who comes face to face with a cow on the road,must remove their hat.

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC• 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items

• Firearm Laws Will Be Observed

• CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE

GUNS OF ALL KINDS

• KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS

Admission: Adults: $7Children under 12: Free with adult

Dealers from

throughout

New England

Auburn Exchange Club’s34th Annual Twin Cities

GUN SHOWSAT. MARCH 27th 9-4SUN. MARCH 28th 9-3

at the

LewistonArmoryCentral Ave.,

Lewiston

A Farmer Goes To War

Excerpts taken From AFarmer Goes To War writtenby the old man Reginald WEmery, Sr. A veteran of theKorean War. From June1950 to July 1953. Somelived to write about andmany died. Some were cap-tured and never came home.The Korean War has alwaysbeen the forgotten war.Some day the veterans ofthis war will be honored bythe people of this country.

It was August 6, 1951. Iwas 20 years old. I had beenmarried about 6 months. Ireceived my walking papersto report to the inductioncenter in Lewiston on MainStreet. My wife didn’t driveso I asked my father to giveme a ride to town. My wifeand father brought me totown. My Dad kept sayingthey won’t take you, you’retoo small. You’ll be backtonight. I said goodbye. Firststop was Fort Williams inPortland. After our physicalan old Sergeant lined us up,he said repeat after me andwe all did. Then he said takeone step forward and wedid. You people are now inthe Army of the UnitedStates of America. Basictraining was at Fort Dix inNew Jersey. Really the onlything that bothered me was

Reggie Emery, Sr.



Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 55783-7039

MORE Silly Laws! South Dakota: Donʼt fall asleep in a cheese factory, or you could be arrested.

MORE Silly Laws! Winchester, MA: Tightrope walking is illegal here unless you are in church.

Please forgive me Suzy-Q. I promise nextyear I won’t forget our

anniversary!

Ann’s Flowers

14 Millett Drive, Auburn782-3457 • www.annsflower.com

How does Jimbo get out of the dog house?

He calls...

MID MAINE DRUG

SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS

207-577-6000www.mmdrugscreening.com

ATTENTION LANDLORDS & PROPERTY MANAGERS

How many months have yourproblem tenants cost you?

my short legs. I only takeabout a 26 inch step. The av-erage person takes about a31 inch step. In a march Iwould always start out at thefront of the column after 10miles I would end up 200feet behind the rest whichgot me shoved in the backwith an M-1 clean rod about30 inches long. I think I hadthe shortest legs in thewhole army. After 8 weeks of training I

went to wheel vehicle schoolto learn how to repair trucks.We were fitted with gasmasks and marched throughMustard gas for training.After training we were onour way to the Korean War.We got to Korea and wereloaded on 6 trucks. 16 per-sons to a truck plus thedriver and shot gun rider.We were going 10 milesfrom the rail head. The drivershouted, “hit the dirt! In-coming!!” And there was ahell of a blast. I jumped andlanded in a rice paddy. Whata smell, they use humanwaste for fertilizer. Therewere many more blasts tocome. It was my job to runthe generator using a combi-nation of 6 and 12 volt bat-teries and a flat head jeepengine. After changing thatengine 15 times or better Icould do it in 27 minutesand even got a write up inthe Stars and Stripes. Oneday I was talking with my LTand asked him where I mightget some valves for that littlegenerator. He said down theroad about 3 miles. I tookthe old Dodge three-quarterton truck and off I went, stu-pid on my part. I drove downthe road and turned left Idon’t know how far I wentbut things didn’t look verygood to me so I went to turnaround near some brush andwhen I turned around I wassurrounded by Korean solid-ers. I was taken to a dug out



Sue Cameron & Stacy Cobb

Out & About withthe Androscoggin Advisory Partnersat their mini trade

show

April & Brenda Tarmey

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201056

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A backward poet writes inverse.

foundation where I thought Iwas going to be killed. Tomy surprise I was forceddown with a piece of woodbehind my knees. I was helddown by someone pushingon my neck. There was anofficer who asked me myname and serial number. Itold him. He could speakEnglish. The whole time hewas asking me questionsthere was a man chained toa metal frame being shockedby an electric probe he hadbitten his tongue off and wasbleeding. I said I didn’t knowwhere we were. If I was anofficer I could tell you thosethings and more. He thoughtthat I was the first one whotold the truth. I was placedin another area with otherprisoners. We were not al-lowed to talk to each other. Itseemed I was there about 2-3 weeks. I was asked howwas the food? If you like ricewith maggots in it have aball. The same officer camethrough one day saying werebeing moved to China to-morrow. During the nightsometime he came and toldme to be quiet. He broughtme to my truck. The goodLord had to be with me. Thatold Dodge truck had astarter button on the floor.Remember this is a 1938truck, 6 volt starter. It wouldnever start. I hit that switchlever on the dash slammeddown the switch on the floorand that engine came to life.I took off down the road asfast as that old truck wouldgo. I thought they would useme for target practice butnothing happened. I thoughtmy own out-post may spotme and call a fire mission inon me. I drove 18-20 milesand turned up the road andpulled into the main gatewhere I was challenged. Theperson on Guard Duty said,“where the hell have youbeen shorty?” I told him I



Your Source for:

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longchampsandsonsinc.com

Longchamps & Sons Inc.15 Lisbon Street, Lisbon

Ph: 353-2349 • Fax: 353-5814email: [email protected]

• Excavation

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Form Work

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• Water & Sewer Lines

• Gravel, Sand, Fill, Stone,

Hot Top & Clay

• Diesel Mechanics


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 57783-7039 LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

at 646 Main Street in LewistonOffice Rentals

• Easy to find on Main St. • Lots of parking• Handicap accessible

for 1st floor units

• Sprinkler system• Utilities included• Call Nancy for a tour

Affordable location for small and micro businesses

Callahan Property Management, LLC

207-619-2519

Call Nancy for more info212-3305

Nancy Callahan

State Licensed & Nationally Certified Massage Therapist

ANOTHER NEW DAY

is now located at 646 Main Street in Lewiston

“BORN IN BROOKLYN… RAISED IN MAINE”

600 Turner Street, Auburn (Across from TGI Friday’s) 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.comHOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm • Sun. 10am-8pm

Attention All Lassies & Lads!!$1 OFFany Corned Beef

Sandwich in MarchYes, even the Reuben!

It’s your luckymonth...

Stop by Heidi’sBrooklyn Deli

and $ave!

Brent &Beckie

Did You Know?• We’re open until 9:00pm 7 days a week• We always have an attendant on duty• We have 34 washers and 40 dryers• You still get 8 minutes credit on the dryers

Open at 7:00am Mon-Fri • Open at 8:00am Sat-Sun

LAUNDROMAT

CLEANERS

COIN-OP

was captured by the Chinesebut I got away. Here comesthe old motor Sergeant. Hesaid, “where the hell haveyou been?” I told him too.He said, “you’re a G.D. liar.You’ve been shacked up insome Korean village.” I saidno more and he covered forme. He said that I was on ajob somewhere else. I laterfound out when I tried tomove that damn truck tomotor pool it went about 25feet and stopped. Them oldtrucks held about ten gallonsof gas. I looked in the fueltank and it had liquid in itbut it wasn’t gas it waswater. We all know thatwater goes to the bottom ofthe fuel tank. How did I drivethat truck 25 miles? It musthave been the man up stairs.It sure was a damn goodtruck. I sure would like tohave it now.


Out & About with theAndroscoggin Advi-

sory Partners at their mini trade show

DaveWarriner

Ms. Caron & Freddie Najera

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201058

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

69 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 783-3287Hours: Mon.-Sat. 10am-1am • Sun Noon-1am

9pm-MidnightTuesday & Thursday Specials!

Any Domestic

$200

WellDrinks

$400

Jello Shots Always $1

Don’t forget!

Now that you’ve found me, come on down. Spring is here

and so are the deals!

Don Hamel 699-707 Center St., Auburn • 1-800-339-7693 or 784-2321Don Hamel

EARN 10EARN 10%% MOREMOREwith any amountof bottles with

this coupon

Richard ConwayMechanic Falls Redemption

128 Lewiston Street • McFalls • 345-3765

Open 7 Days

9am - 5pm

in in MarchMarch

Out & About atD’Avanti Salon

in Lewiston

Olivia2

Cathy & Laurie

I love it, Laurie!

Rhonda

In the pasture of life,don't be a cowpie.

Strange Lawsuits

A jury awarded$178,000 in damagesto a woman who suedher former fiance forbreaking their seven-week engagement.The breakdown:$93,000 for pain & suf-fering; $60,000 for lossof income from herlegal practice, and$25,000 for psychiatriccounselling expenses.


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 59783-7039

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Mechanical Repair... After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

LEXOPHILES (Lover of Words): A will is a dead giveaway.

782-2088150 Mill Street

Lewiston

www.davinciseatery.com

SundayMorningBrunch

Full menu availablealong with A la Cartebreakfast selections.

10am to 2pm

ROLL TOWELS - ALL TYPESBathroom Tissue, Trash Liners, Plates, Cups, Napkins, ETC. • Cleaning Chemicals & Janitorial Supplies

wiper & paper

Spend $50 or moreGet $10 OFF any order!

�Please mention Uncle Andy’s

Digest

No

Minimum

Order

NEXT DAY DELIVERY IN L/A AREA!Stop waiting in line at the Big Box stores for your paper and janitorial supplies! Just

call in your order...it’s that SIMPLE!!

120 Mill St., Auburn • 784-5779 or 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com


in Lewiston

Logan & Amanda

Jim

Scott

A speech is like a bicycle wheel -- the

longer the spoke, thegreater the tire.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201060

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of GravityAny tool when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of Random NumbersIf you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

The Perfect PetSubmitted by Jimbo

A man goes into a petshop and tells theowner that he wants tobuy a pet that can doeverything. The shopowner suggests a faith-ful dog.

The man replies,"Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "Howabout a cat?"

The man replies, "Noway! A cat certainlycan't do everything. Iwant a pet that can doeverything!"

The shop owner thinksfor a minute, then says, "I've got it! Acentipede!"

The man says, "A cen-tipede? I can't imaginea centipede doingeverything, but okay...I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipedehome and says to thecentipede, "Clean thekitchen."

Thirty minutes later, hewalks into the kitchenand... it's immaculate!All the dishes and sil-verware have beenwashed, dried, and putaway; the counter-topscleaned; the appli-ances sparkling; thefloor waxed. He's ab-solutely amazed.

He says to the cen-tipede, "Go clean theliving room."


In Auburn: 600 Center Street ~ Shaw’s Plaza 207-784-6766

See Day’s Jewelers Service Department for:

AppraisalsYou should have your jewelry appraised every5 years for insurance purposes.

EngravingsRings, wedding party gifts, lockets, watchesand more

Custom Designed JewelryA Quigley Design is one of a kind!Turn something old into something new, too!

d a y s j e w e l e r s . c o m


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 61783-7039

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Law of the Alibi... If you tell the boss you were latefor work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY: Variation Law... If you change traffic lanes, the oneyou were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE

ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com

WOOD PELLET SALE!$239/tonCall Today!$ave on

heatingcosts

EnvironmentallyFriendly

We Specialize in:• Commercial/Industrial & ResidentialElectrical Installations

• Infrared Thermal Imaging to detectpotential problems

• Custom Electrical Control Panel Fabrication UL Listed

• Generator installation• Automated systems & controls• Telephone & computer wiring• Engineering/Design build

100% Maine Wood Pellets

Twenty minutes later,he walks into the livingroom. The carpet hasbeen vacuumed; thefurniture cleaned anddusted; the pillows onthe sofa plumped;plants watered. Theman thinks to himself,"This is the mostamazing thing I've everseen. This really is apet that can do every-thing!"

Next he says to thecentipede, "Run downto the corner and getme a newspaper."

The centipede walksout the door. 10 min-utes later...no cen-tipede. 20 minuteslater... no centipede.30 minutes later...nocentipede. By this pointthe man is wonderingwhat's going on. So hegoes to the front door,opens it... and there'sthe centipede sittingright outside.

The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to thecorner store 45 min-utes ago to get me anewspaper. What's thematter?!"

The centipede says,"I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on myshoes!"


Did you hear aboutthe new restaurant

on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201062

"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put in that action." -- Mother Teresa

Goober Quotes: "Continuous coverage of the war in the Persian Gulf will resume in a moment." – Tom Brokaw, NBC News

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Mon-Tues. 7:30-4:00 Wed-Fri 7:30-10:00

Sat. 11:00-10:00

Hol ly Mi reau l t , Owner

Breakfast,lunch & dinner.

All right here!

84 Court St, Auburn 333-3041

www.hollysown.com

Deli DownstairsDining Room Upstairs

Live EntertainmentSat. Mar. 6 Okbari Belly DancersSat. Mar. 13 ForeplayFri. Mar. 19 Mike KrapovickiThu. Mar.25 3 Point Jazz Trio

Friday March 26 - Closed to Public from 4pm on for Private Wedding Party

Sat. Mar. 27 Chad PorterSat. Apr. 3 Okbari Belly Dancers

Matt came in first in theHigh Jump with 6' 4" and the Long Jump with 20'8" at Western Maine Confer-ence on Feb. 5th. He was awarded the

plaque for Most ValuablePlayer by all the coaches. State Meet was Feb. 15th

and Matt came in first atHigh Jump and second inLong Jump. Derek is sure tofollow in his brother’s “tracks”.We wish the brothers all thebest in the Outdoor Track thisspring.

BROTHERSOF YORK

Derek running the 4x200 Relay

Derek & Matt York,brothers who are both

on the Poland H.S. Indoor Track team.

Derek, a freshman and bigbrother Matt is a senior.

Matt doing the high jump at 6’4”

120 Center Street Plaza, AuburnMon - Fri 9:30 AM - 6:00 PM

Sat 10 AM - 3:00 PM

783-4226Vision at a Value

Now accepting most major insurances

www.vipeyes.info

$199Some exclusions may apply. See an associate for details.

Expires 3-31-10

March Sale!!Varilux PhysioFrame & Lens Complete Package*


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 63783-7039

"Determine never to be idle... It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing." -- Thomas Jefferson

"Language is the dress of thought; every time you talk your mind is on parade." -- Dr Samuel Johnson

K+L GREEN CLEAN577-8725

"Helping the environment one job at a time"

Go Green! All Natural Cleaning Products

ATTENTION BUSINESS & COMMERCIAL PROPERTY OWNERS

OWNERS: KRISTIE MORIN & LAUREN SIMPSON

We’re budget friendly and offer free estimates!

www.KandLGreenClean.com

Be Clean & Be

GREEN!

Enjoy the games on ourLarge Screen TV!

EverydayDeli Specials

97 Ash St., Lewiston • 783-0668

NO COVER - LIVE BANDSCall for band schedule

Jackie Jancaitis, PTWorkMed


Auburn Campus

Alison Fenton, OTWorkMed

Strange Lawsuits

A man joined a groupto learn, among otherthings, to fly throughself-levitation. Unsatis-fied with the results, heclaimed psychologicaland physical damagesand sued the group for$9 million.

1117 Center Street, Auburn782-3848

Hair Studio

www.shearmadnesshair-studio.com

Hair � Nails � Massage

TiffanyLMT

ChristineOwner/stylist

AliciaStylist

MARCH SPECIALSPedicure

$25 30 minute Massage

& Pedicure

$55

www.dadsplace.info …Catering DivisionDad’s PlaceDad’s PlaceThere’s NO PLACE like...

Try Dad’s Place!You’ll get more

bang for your buck.

Affordable, quality catering: From Weddings

to Summer Cookouts to Company Parties & More!

Our prices won’t leave youfeeling “empty”

DOES THIS LOOK LIKEABOUT WHAT YOUR

CATERER IS OFFERING?

Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering

No job too big or too small!

Professional service at an affordable price

Call 345-9009 for pricing & details


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 65783-7039

"Once children learn how to learn, nothing is going to narrow their mind."-- Marva Collins

Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.– Rabindranath Tagore

5 Pigeon Hill Road �Route 26 and 11�, Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

DAILY SPECIALSBreakfast & Lunch

& Bakery

�Home of the Double Yolker�

Open 7 Days6am-2pm

WALL OF FAMEFinish a full-size omelette

and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

CALL FOR NEXT NRA PISTOL COURSE DATES!

Hours:

9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat

John Reid, Owner

We Buy, Sell & TradeBuying small & large firearm collections

J.T. REID’S GUNS86 Court St., Auburn • 777-3579

Jamie Pelletier, Manager

Checkus out!

North Atlantic Property Services“Where Quality and Professionalism are Number 1”

For all your Commercial and ResidentialProperty Maintenance Needs

UNCLOGGING DRAINS • BATHROOM MAKEOVERS & REPAIRS • CARPET/FLOORINGLANDSCAPING & LAWN CONTRACTS • PAINTING • DRYWALL REPAIR • LIGHT CARPENTRY

ALL OTHER REPAIRS AROUND YOUR HOME OR BUSINESS24 HOUR EMERGENCY REPAIR SERVICE • FULLY INSURED • OVER 30 YEARS EXPERIENCE

Call 713-7000


in Lewiston

Jake

Bethany

Strange Lawsuits

A bank discovered thatmillions of dollars de-posited in an accountwere in fact embezzledfunds. The bank trans-ferred the funds backto the lawful owner andgot sued! The embez-zler's alleged accom-plice filed a lawsuitagainst the bank for re-turning the money, andasked for $20 million indamages. The bankwon in court, but onlyafter spending over$20,000 in legal fees.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201066

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. – Oscar Wilde

"Self-love seems so often unrequited." – Anthony Powell

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Hours: Tues - Fri. 10-6 • Saturday 10-4 (closed Sun. & Mon.) • Appointments Appreciated • Walk-Ins Welcome

A Paul Mitchell Color Salon

in the Lewiston Mall • 782-0202 • www.davanti-salon.com

Spa Pedicure $1999Every Wed. in March

JustMARCHSPECIALMARCHSPECIAL

Daryn Slover with his twoboys, Ellis (3) & Orrin (2)

Reaction caught on film after Uncle Andy tried to give Daryn Slover(award winning photographer for theSun Journal) some photography tips

Daryn just smiled and graciously listened to UncleAndy’s ranting. The two boys on the other hand...

Who the heck does this guy

think he is? I’m gonna pound

him!

I ain’t saying a word. Mommy told me if I didn’t have

anything nice to say just to keep

quiet.

Once again, Uncle Andy openedmouth and insertedthe proverbial foot...

Scientists have shownthat the moon is mov-ing away at a tiny, although measurabledistance from the earthevery year.

If you do the math, youcan calculate that 85million years ago themoon was orbiting theearth at a distance ofabout 35 feet from theearth's surface.

This would explain thedeath of the dinosaurs.The tallest ones, anyway.


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 67783-7039

"To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness." – Robert Morely

"I don't like myself, I'm crazy about myself." – May West

www.colefarms.comA Maine Tradition You Can Count On!

Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray, MaineJUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE

Hours: Monday-Thursday 6 am – 9 pm; Friday 6 am – 9:30 pmSaturday 6 am – 9:30 pm; Sunday 6 am – 9 pm

BREAKFAST BUFFET

SATURDAY & SUNDAY

Served from 7am-10:30amAdults . . . . . .$6.506 & under . . .$3.50

DAILY SPECIALS

WEEKDAY LUNCH SPECIALSMonday - Maine Fried Shrimp

Tuesday - Fish & Chips

Wednesday - Steak Sub

Thursday - Grilled Reuben Sandwich

Friday - Fried Haddock SandwichServed from 10:30-3:30

Monday - Turkey Dinner . . .$8.95w/Potatoes, Peas, Squash, Stuffing, Gravy & Rolls

Tuesday - Yankee Pot Roast$7.95w/Carrots, Potato & Gravy, Rolls

Wednesday - Chicken Pot Pie . .$6.75w/Potato & Rolls

Thursday - New England Boiled Dinner $8.95w/Corned beef, Potato, Cabbage, Carrots, Turnip, Beets & Roll

Friday - Lasagna . . .$8.75w/Salad & Rolls

Sunday - Roast Pork$8.75w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Friday & Saturday - After 4:00 PMPrime Rib Au Jus

w/Potato, Choice of Salad, Coleslaw or Vegetable & Rolls

Friday, Saturday & SundayFried or Baked Stuffed Haddock

Hannah Hamilton

When you dine at Cole Farms,

you’re treated like family. Stop

by for a meal today!

MORE THAN 60 DESSERTS TO CHOOSE FROM!



Mona Karole

Kristin Joseph & Diane Landry

Gloria Hewey

Gravity always gets me down.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201068There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

Friction can be a drag sometimes.Out & About with theAndroscoggin

Advisory Partnersat their mini trade

show

It’s nice to get a little

recognition once in a while...

JoyceCrane

Vicki Cantrell

Sandra Nadeau & Dennis Landry

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

DAILY SPECIALS

30 Lowell Street, Lewiston

312-5100

� Mondays: Ham or Turkey Italians with lettuce & tomato...............................$3.99

� Tuesdays: Fried BBQ Chicken wrap .......$3.99(add Fries for $1 more)

� Wednesdays: Pizza Day! Small Cheese or Pepperoni.......................$3.99

� Thursdays: Buffalo Chicken Quesadilla ..$3.99� Fridays: Bocce Burrito..............................$3.99

Fresh Haddock Fish-n-Chips....................$7.99

LIVE MUSICSat. March 6 . . . . .4 PlayFri. March 12 . . . .Veggies by DayFri. March 26 . . . .Veggies by Day

Wednesday All Day$1.50 Bud Select pintWell Seabreeze $4.00

Thursday All Day$5.00 Long Island Ice Tea

P.B.R $1.50/pintMONDAYS

& TUESDAYSChicken Tenders & Wings

50¢ each$2.00 Domestic

bottled beer

Every Friday in MarchFish & Chips$7.99w/ cole slaw

Salmon Pie $6.99w/ side salad

Lobster Roll $9.99w/ fries & cole slaw

Tuna Wrap . . . . . . . . .$4.99

Irish Twins Pub743 Main St., Lewiston • 376-3088 (across from Marden’s) • www.myspace.com/irishtwinspub

No cover charge!

EVER!!

Fall/Winter Hours: Mon.-Wed., Sat. 3pm-close • Thurs. & Fri. 11am-close

This Month at Irish Twins…

� ½ Price Appetizersopen to close

� $1.50 Domestic Pints� $6 Irish Car Bombs� $3 Guinness & Murphy’s Pints� Live Music from Veggies by Day

8pm-close

Wed. March 24th at 7pm

WINGY DINGYWing Eating Contest

Finalists will face off on March 31st in themiddle of the AuburnMall vs. Thatcher’stop contenders!

Winner gets a cash prize!

Must sign up in advance at Irish Twins

Wed. March 17th

St. Patty’s Day BashOpening at Noon


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 69783-7039

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All Wights Wesewved.

Laughter is a smile with the volume turned up.

Nicole Chapman

Jack Jalbert

Out & About with the Androscoggin Advisory

Partners at their minitrade show

Change of Heart

Dear John,

I have been unable tosleep since I broke offour engagement.Won't you forgive andforget? Your absenceis breaking my heart. Iwas a fool, nobody cantake your place. I loveyou.

All my love, Belinda.xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulationson winning this week'slottery.Hours: Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9 pm • Sun. 11am - 5 pm 782-2135

Corned Beef Hash Dinnerw/ potatoes & carrots

$6.99

16 oz. Green Beer $2.00

Wednesday, March 17th

St. Patrick’s Day Celebration ALL DAY!

1st Annual Wing Eating ContestThatcher’s & Irish Twins Pub are teaming up for:

March

24th &

31st

Tons of Giveaways!

Fun begins at5:30pm

Finals start at7:00pm

Sign up at Thatcher’sMarch 1st-17th

Limited number of entrants

All entrants & finalists getprize packages

Winner gets a

CASH PRIZE!!

Mar. 24th qualifiers move on to the finals

on Mar. 31stCenter Court at

Auburn Mall

92 Moose LIVE

March 31st

Dinner & Drink Specials 5-9pm$2 Bud & Bud Light Bottles$2.75 Bud & Bud Light 25 oz. Drafts$5 Jager Bombs$5 Captain & CokeCheeseburger Plate . . . . .$4.99Garlic Butter Haddock . . .$7.99

w/ 2 sides8 oz. Sirloin Steak . . . . . .$9.99

w/ 1 sideAvailable Mar. 24th & 31st

the

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201070When you live in the past, it costs you the present.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I sayare you going to drink that?

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

Open7 Days a Week8 AM - 5 PM

Featuring

131Vendors

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

We honor:M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA,

Am. Express & Discover cards

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK”

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES

Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

Always

Buying

Regular Paperbacks$1/each

$3.50 each for most Hardcover Books

Selective Hard Covers $2

20% OFFall Audio Books (books on tape & CD)

Over 55,000 Pre-Read Books

& Cookbooks

Pre-Read Books arriving daily

Inventory Reduction Sale

20% - 70% OFF

Large Selection of

Fenton Glassware!

BudgetBusters

Due to the budget con-straints, the following poli-cies are announcedregarding employees trav-eling on official business.These policies are EFFEC-TIVE IMMEDIATELY:

LODGING:All employees are encour-aged to stay with relativesand friends while on busi-ness. If weather permits,public areas such as parksshould be used as tempo-rary lodging sites. Bus ter-minals, train stations andoffice lobbies may also pro-vide shelter in periods ofinclement weather.

TRANSPORTATION:Hitch-hiking is the pre-ferred mode of travel, inlieu of commercial trans-port. Luminescent safetyvests will be issued to allemployees prior to their de-parture on such travel. Air-line tickets will only beauthorized in extreme cir-cumstances and the lowestfares will be used. For ex-ample, if a meeting isscheduled in Seattle, but alower fare can be obtainedby traveling to Detroit, thetravel to Detroit will be sub-stituted for travel to Seattle.

MEALS:Expenditures for meals willbe limited to an absoluteminimum. It should benoted that certain groceryand specialty chains, suchas Hickory Farms, GeneralNutrition Centers, andCostco Club stores oftenprovide free samples ofpromotional items. Entire



Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 71783-7039

784-822185 Center Street, Auburn

EAT IN OR TAKE OUT!

The PerfectPlace to Dine

any time of the day!

OpenSun. - Thur. 10:30am - 10pmFri. & sat. 10:30am - 11pm

meals can be obtained inthis manner. Travelersshould also become famil-iar with indigenous roots,berries, and other proteinsources available at theirdestination. If restaurantsmust be utilized, travelersshould utilize all you caneat salad bars. This is espe-cially effective for employ-ees traveling together - asone plate can be used tofeed the entire group. Em-ployees are also encour-aged to bring their ownfood on official travel. Cansof tuna, Spam and Beefa-roni can be consumed atyour leisure without the un-necessary bother of heatingor costly preparation.

MISCELLANEOUS:All employees are encour-aged to devise innovativetechniques in an effort tosave our budget dollars.One enterprising individualhas already suggested thatmoney could be raised dur-ing airport layover period,which could be used to de-fray expenses. In supportof this idea, red caps willbe issued to all employeesprior to their departure, sothat they may earn tips byhelping other travelers withtheir luggage. Small plasticroses and ball point penswill also be made availableto employees so that salesmay be made, as time per-mits.

FEEDBACK:As always senior manage-ment is interested in yourfeedback on these propos-als. Please e-mail them tohead office and they will becarefully reviewed after wereturn from the seniormanagement motivationalretreat in Italy.


Out & About inAruba in the

Gonya’s

Paige GonyaDaughter of Rick & Brenda Gonya

I’m young, cute and smart enough to know that nothing

compares to the intellect of this reading

material...

777-1611336 Center St. • Auburn

• Hair Services• Pedicures • Manicures• Waxing L to R: Candice Lamontagne, Mel Cote,

Darcy Ames & Hanna Greene

Call today for your appointmentWalk-ins welcome

Politically Correct Statements for 2010: No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201072Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.

You can't test courage cautiously.

550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831Hours: Mon. - Fri. 8 to 5• Sat. 9 to 2

www.shermarnolds.com

Use your tax refund wisely…There is no better investment

than a new kitchen or bath

Large Selection of In-Stock

• Carpet Rems

• Vinyl Rems

• Hardwood

• Laminates

• Ceramic Tile

Now Available

The latest styles of cabinet hardware makes cabinetry look

updated and new. Brass, Antique Brass, Burnished Metals,

Ceramic and much more.

22 Colors of in-stock

laminate flooring

starting at

$1.10 sq. ft.

FREELaminate counter tops with all kitchen

sales during the month of February!In-stock colors only • Excludes Bar tops

Expires 3/31/10

Todd is ready and eager to helpyou design your new kitchen!

Use your tax refund wisely…

Reek TheBenefits

Submitted by Jimbo

A young couple de-cided to wed. As thebig day approached,they grew apprehen-sive. Each had a prob-lem they had neverbefore shared withanyone, not even eachother.

The Groom-to-be,overcoming his fear,decided to ask his fa-ther for advice. "Fa-ther," he said, "I amdeeply concernedabout the success ofmy marriage. I love myfiancée very much, butyou see, I have verysmelly feet, and I'mafraid that my futurewife will be put off bythem."

"No problem," saiddad, "all you have todo is wash your feet asoften as possible, andalways wear socks,even to bed." Well, tohim this seemed aworkable solution.

The bride-to-be, over-coming her fear, de-cided to take herproblem up her mom."Mom," she said,"When I wake up in themorning my breath istruly awful."

"Honey," her motherconsoled, "everyonehas bad breath in themorning."

"No, you don't under-



Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 73783-7039

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

Life is full of uncertainties...of course, I could be wrong about that.

The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.

Cambria, HanStone,Silestone, Zodiaq,

Caesarstone, Viatera

QUARTZ

GRANITEStarting at $39 sq. ft.

995 Center Street, AuburnPhone: 786-5556 • Fax: 786-5557

www.granitemarblecountertops.netHours: Mon-Fri 9am-5:30pm; Sat 9am-2pm

SHOWROOM

stand. My morningbreath is so bad, I'mafraid that my new hus-band will not want tosleep in the same roomwith me."

Her mother said sim-ply, "Try this. In themorning, get straightout of bed, and headfor the bathroom andbrush your teeth. Thekey is, not to say aword until you'vebrushed your teeth.Not a word," hermother affirmed.

Well, she thought itwas certainly worth atry.

The loving couple werefinally married in abeautiful ceremony.Not forgetting the ad-vice each had re-ceived, he with hisperpetual socks andshe with her morningsilence, they managedquite well. That is, untilabout six months later.Shortly before dawn,the husband wakeswith a start to find thatone of his socks hadcome off. Fearful of theconsequences, hefrantically searches thebed. This, of course,woke his bride andwithout thinking, sheimmediately asks,"What on earth are youdoing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped inshock, "You've swal-lowed my sock!"


Sometimes I wish lifehad subtitles!

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201074

Politically Correct Statements for 2010: Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

Windham/Raymond Adult EducationCLASSES BEGIN FROM MARCH THRU MAY

OVER 50 COURSES STILL TO CHOOSE FROM!� Basic Literacy/Tutoring� Business Training/Planning� Career Advising� College Connections/Transitions/Placement Testing� Computer Classes - All Levels� English for Speakers of Other Languages� High School Completion/GED� Job Training and Retraining� Math and Reading Tutoring

� Personal Enrichment• Arts & Crafts • Exercise, Health and Wellness• Personal Finance• Family Life• Music and Dance• Trips

Call 892-1819 FMI or check out our complete listing of courses at:www.windham.maineadulted.org

Summer Programs Start 7/12

Dave & Maggie Garry, OwnersHours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm • Sun 12 - 8pm

RESTAURANT 892-9922Now located at 907 Roosevelt Trail

Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere

� Easy on the pocketbook � Great for the whole family� Full menu always available

Great food at fair prices on

St. Patty’s Day andevery other day

in March!

Go visit me friends, Dave & Maggie O’Garry! You’ll be glad

you did!!

Out & About with theAndroscoggin

Advisory Partners at their mini trade

show

Heather Leonardo

Jeff Leonardo

Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. – Sally Koch


the World

Police in Oakland, Cali-fornia spent two hoursattempting to subdue agunman who had barri-caded himself insidehis home. After firingten tear gas canisters,officers discovered thatthe man was standingbeside them, shoutingpleas to come out andgive himself up...

How you

doin’?

I’m updating my Facebook

status.


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 75783-7039

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If you need time alone, try cleaning the house.

Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

10 years experience with Permanent Cosmetic Makeup

71 East Avenue, Lewiston

783-3321www.cassiels.com Dr. Robert Limoges, DMD

Advanced Dentistry


Auburn Campus

Anne DeSantosAdvanced Dentistry

Lisa MinkowskiAdvanced Dentistry

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201076

To be or not to be... I think its a trick question.

Love is never angry. Love is always patient. How many times do I have to tell you that?

MACHINE GUNS • SILENCERS • NFA TRANSFERSSHORT BARREL RIFLES/SHOTGUNS

We also carry:All other types of firearmsKnives • Ammo by the case

We Buy - Sell - TradeFinders fee for collections

Rt. 4 • Turner, MEJust past Twitchell’s Airport

[email protected]

Call Matt, Drew or Chris at 225-3432

Chris Jordan, owner 577-0210

Out &About at the new

St. Mary’sAuburn

CampusMaria, Ashley, Mona & Dr. Torres • WorkMed

Dr. Torres, is it true that all doctors have hard to read hand writing? Absolutely

not! I had bad handwriting

long before I became a doctor.

Excuse-itis

Uncle Andy told hisdoctor that he wasn'table to do all the thingsaround the house thathe used to do.

When the examinationwas complete, he said,"Now, Doc, I can takeit. Tell me in plain eng-lish what is wrong withme."

"Well, in plain English,"the doctor replied,"you're just lazy."

"Okay," said UncleAndy. "Now give methe medical term so Ican tell my wife, Anna."

Near the end of a par-ticularly trying round ofgolf, during which thegolfer had hit numer-ous fat shots, he saidin frustration to hiscaddy, "I'd moveheaven and earth tobreak a hundred onthis course."

"Try heaven," said thecaddy.

"You've already movedmost of the earth."


the World

A man in Taormina,

Italy was hospitalized

after swallowing 46

teaspoons, 2 cigarette

lighters, and a pair of

salad tongs.

Politically Correct Statements for 2010: You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

Bring it to the: Antique, Heirloom & Collectible Roadside Attraction

April 24th • 9:00am - Noon

WHAT’S IT WORTH?Curious about that painting, bird carving or coins that have been in the family for years?

Antiques

with Professional

Appraisers on hand!

FMI contact Eriks Petersons 345-3134 or Matt Gary 740-0040 or email [email protected]

Congregational Hall (formally The Congo Church) 64 Elm Street, Mechanic Falls

$5 per itemwith a 3 item limit per family

Proceeds to benefit the Mechanic Falls Historical Society

Fundraiser for the Mechanic Falls Historical Society

March 6th

Roastbeef Supper 5-6pmCall for more info

Coming May 8th 6:30 - 8:00pm

Coffee House with live Blue Grass music

Call for more info

Politically Correct Statements for 2010: The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 77783-7039

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

If all the misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equalportion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.



Come see our new 180fxFormica Laminates today!

The closest thing to solidgranite look at the low,low price of laminates!

In dire need of abeauty make-over, Iwent to my salon with afashion magazinephoto of a gorgeous,young, lustrous-hairedmodel.

I showed the stylist thetrendy new cut Iwanted and settled intothe chair as she beganhumming a catchy tuneand got to work on mythin, graying hair.

I was delighted by hercheerful attitude until Irecognized the melody.

It was the theme from"Mission: Impossible."

Five year old Beckyanswered the doorwhen the Census takercame by.

She told the Censustaker that her daddywas a doctor and was-n't home, because hewas performing an ap-pendectomy.

"My," said the censustaker, "that sure is abig word for such a lit-tle girl. Do you knowwhat it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen hundredbucks, and that doesn'teven include theanaesthesiologist!"

Politically Correct

Statements for 2010:

You're not having a bad

hair day, you're suffer-

ing from "rebellious

follicle syndrome."

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201078

What now is proved was once only imagined.

A ladder was stolen from the store. The manager said that further steps will be taken.

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.comBruce Landry Jerimiah Morrissette

1766 Federal Rd.(Rt. 4)

Livermore897-3400

1822 Lisbon Rd.Lewiston

784-3100

Out & About at Ray Villedrouin’s

Birthday partyDad, the

word on the street is this Uncle Andy guy

just shows up randomly atparties when he

knows there’s free food. Whose uncle is

he anyway?

I think I can open my birthday

gifts in here without getting disturbed by

Uncle Andy.

François & Ray

Maybe if no one looks at him, he’ll just go away.


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 79783-7039 Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember a kite rises against, not with the wind.

Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen. Out & About at Ray Villedrouin’s

Birthday party

Tom & Cindy Dykes

Smile competition

Ed

Happy Birthday,Ray!

Politically CorrectStatements for

2010: You weren'tpassing notes in

class. You were "par-ticipating in the

discreet exchange ofpenned meditations."

297 Lisbon Street LewistonOpen 9-8 Mon. - Sat. • Sundays 12-5

(207) 783-6677(800) 581-6901

Over 30Years in

business!

www.parisadultbookstore.com

P SariADULT BOOKSTORE

WARM UP WITH SOME OF OUR

Come in and see our deals on Adult DVD’s & toysTobacco products & accessories • And more!

BILODEAU INSURANCE AGENCYLEWISTON

541 Lisbon StreetLewiston, ME 04240

784-4029 • Fax: 784-2360

92 Pleasant St., P.O. Box 679Brunswick, ME 04011

725-2797 • Fax: 725-6001

For your personal or commercial needs contact

BRUNSWICK

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201080

It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.

Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

Out & About at Ray Villedrouin’s

Birthday party

Christine & François

I love Biddeford!

Like mother, like daughter...

I love Biddeford, too!

Politically CorrectStatements for Stu-dents in 2010: You'renot being sent to the

principal's office. You're"going on a mandatoryfield trip to the adminis-

trative building."

Oncle Andy a effectivementété invité. Mais ilest certain était

amusant vendanges sur lui!* *English translation: Uncle Andy was actually an

invited guest. But it sure was fun picking on him!

You know how it is whenyou're reading a book andfalling asleep, you're read-ing, reading... and all of a

sudden you notice your eyesare closed? I'm like that all

the time. – Uncle Andy

782-5920www.MadisonAveSalon.net

We have the latest in fashion colors

Back, l-r: Jess, Brenda & AmandaFront, l-r: Tammy, Taylor, Stacy & Angela

•Silver•Platinum•Magenta•Blue& more

Why Dogs Canʼt Use Computers

1. Heʼs distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

2. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

3. Saliva-coated CDʼs refuse to work.

4. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

5. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that heʼs browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

6. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

7. He canʼt help attacking the screen when he hears “Youʼve Got Mail”.

8. Itʼs too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.

9. The FETCH command isnʼt available on all platforms.

10. He canʼt stick his head out of Windows.


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 81783-7039 There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Roofing Specialists Since 1878

ST. HILAIRECONTRACTORS INC.

5 generations of roofing

specialists!

VOTED BESTRoofing Contractors

in the L/A Area in 2008 & 2009

as determined by Market Surveys of America

St. Hilaire Contractors Inc

99 Spring Street, Lewiston

784-1819

Lyana, Jake & Dave St. Hilaire

Our Company PrinciplesAccountability • Responsibility • Professionalism

Long Term-Integrity • Safety

• Roofing Specialists since 1878

• Family owned and operated for 5 generations

• Fully Insured

• Member of Northeast Roofing Contractor Association

• Certified to install Carlisle Rubber Roofing

• Certified Certainteed ShingleMaster™ Company

• Commercial & Residential roofing

Paint ColorSubmitted by Maggie Joyce

A woman wants the in-side of her housepainted and she calls acontractor in to helpher. They wanderaround the house, andshe points out the col-ors she wants. Shesays, "Now, in the liv-ing room, I'd like tohave a neutral beige,very soft and warm."The contractor nods,pulls out his pad ofpaper and writes on it.Then he goes to thewindow, leans out andyells, "Green side up!"

The woman is mostperplexed but she letsit slide. They wanderinto the next room. Shesays, "In the diningroom I'd like a lightwhite, not stark, butvery bright and airy."The contractor nods,pulls out his pad ofpaper and writes on it.Then he goes to thewindow, leans out, andyells "Green side up"!

The woman is evenmore perplexed but stilllets it slide. They wan-der further into the nextroom. She says, "In thebedroom, I'd like blue.Restful, peaceful, coolblue."

The contractor nods,pulls out his pad ofpaper and writes on it.Then once more hegoes to the window,leans out and yells"Green side up"!


783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201082

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. – Uncle Andy

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDE

I think I've found the trouble with our economy. There are far more ways to get into debt,than there are to get out of it.

Meeting your needs in Air Conditioning,Ventilation, Heat and Refrigeration.

Owner Al Hamel • Lewiston, ME782-6336 • www.alshvac-r.com

Email: [email protected]

Save $400+If you haven’t had your heating system

cleaned in the past 12 months this is whatit may be costing you… 15% efficiency loss

of 1000 gallons of heating oil at $2.70/gal(.15%x1000/gals.x$2.70/gal.=$405.00)

or pay $149.95 and help yourself!

Specialists for installing

Rinnai Monitor Heaters

LP, Natural Gas & K-1

Hot Air & Boiler Cleaning SpecialIncludes:

Oil Filter • Pump Screen • Nozzle • Efficiency Test

$149.95

Paige and Peyton GonyaDaughter of Rick & Brenda Gonya

What would any trip be without an

Uncle Andy’s Digest?

Out & About inAruba in the

Gonya’s

This is too much. Thewoman has to ask. Soshe says, "Every time Itell you a color, youwrite it down, but thenyou yell out the window'Green side up.' Whaton earth does thatmean?"

The contractor shakeshis head and says, "Ijust hired threegoobers, Jimbo, UncleAndy and Travis andtheyʼre laying sodacross the street."


Nothing But A Hound Dog

Upon entering a littlecountry store, thestranger noticed a signsaying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!"posted on the doorglass.

Inside, he noticed aharmless old hound dogasleep on the floor nearthe cash register.

He asked the store'sowner "Is that the dogfolks are supposed tobeware of?"

"Yep," the proprietor an-swered, "That's him."

The stranger couldn'thelp being amused."That certainly doesn'tlook like a dangerousdog to me," he chuck-led. "Why in the worlddid you decide to postthat sign?"

"Because," the ownerreplied, "before I postedthat sign, people kepttripping over him."


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 83783-7039


ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY

95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210

Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President

(207) 784-6413

Call Bert Cote toset up a showing!

754-5600

Sabattus Home For Sale

3 bedroom, 2.5 bath Log home withindoor pool with ion pool system (nochlorine - odorless). Master bedroomwith bath, cathedral ceiling, walk outbasement. 2,600 sq. ft. on 1.5acres. Must see! $249,900

RPRProfessional Home Inspections, Inc.

Complete Home InspectionsWater Testing • Water Radon

Air Radon • Lead Paint Testing • Mold TestingInfrared Thermal Imaging

72 Old Lisbon Rd. • Lewiston, ME 04240Tel. 207-782-9663 • Fax 1-207-514-8058

www.RPRPROHOMEINSPECTIONS.COMEmail: [email protected]

Certified Inspector

A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.

Strange Lawsuits

A college student inIdaho decided to"moon" someone fromhis 4th story dorm roomwindow. He lost his bal-ance, fell out of his win-dow, and injuredhimself in the fall. Nowthe student expects theUniversity to take thefall; he is suing them for"not warning him of thedangers of living on the4th floor".


When camping, al-ways wear a long-sleeved shirt. It givesyou something towipe your nose on.


The sight of a baldeagle has thrilledcampers for generations. Thesight of a bald man,however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201084

Available at:

800-287-3246 or 786-3246

Heating, Air Conditioning & Plumbing

137 Spring Street, Auburn

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

Do not neglectyour Septic System

For proper maintenance,it should be pumped periodically.

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

ServiceRentalSales

We carry risers, covers,baffle replacements, septic additives.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNINGCO., INC.

111 Woodman Hill RDMinot, ME 04258

207.782.4508800.924.4500

The Binettes of Leeds in Punta Cana

Dad, I’ve heard that drinking coconut milk will increaseyour stamina, giving you a faster time

running the mile...

PaigeGonya

The Gonya’s in ArubaBrenda, Peyton, Paige & Rick

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Wait around for opportunity."As you exit the plane, please be sure to gatherall of your belongings. Anything left behind willbe distributed evenly among the flight atten-dants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

– Submitted by Jane Grant, Travel consultant

What Jimbolooks like

afterpulling anall-nighter

Wow, I’m gonna be in

Uncle Andy’s!


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 85783-7039 Someone robbed the wig factory. Police have been combing the area for clues.


Specializing in:• Commercial/Industrial & ResidentialElectrical Installations

• Infrared Thermal Imaging to detectpotential problems

• Custom Electrical Control Panel Fabrication UL Listed

Fully Insured • Free Estimates

ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE

ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS

1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126

www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com

Don’t get stuck inthe cold or withoutpower again!

Normally $2,150

$100 OFF* WHOLE HOMEGENERATOR

PACKAGEIncludes:• Full installation directly into

electrical meter

• Transfer switch• 8500 watt generator

• Generator installation• Automated systems & controls• Telephone & computer wiring• Engineering/Design build

*Must present or mention ad. Limit 1.

• Electric start• Wheel kit

See our $ savingcoupon onpage 51.

Tree WoodSubmitted by Jimbo

A young man who was alsoan avid golfer found himselfwith a few hours to spareone afternoon. He figured ifhe hurried and played veryfast, he could get in 9 holesbefore he had to headhome.

Just as he was about to teeoff an old gentleman shuf-fled onto the tee and askedif he could accompany theyoung man as he was golf-ing alone.

Not being able to say no, heallowed the old gent to joinhim.

To his surprise the old manplayed fairly quickly. Hedidn't hit the ball far, butplodded along consistentlyand didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9thfairway and the young manfound himself with a toughshot. There was a largepine tree right in front of hisball, directly between hisball and the green.

After several minutes of de-bating how to hit the shotthe old man finally said,"You know, when I was yourage I'd hit the ball right overthat tree."

With that challenge placedbefore him, the youngsterswung hard, hit the ball up,right smack into the top ofthe tree trunk and it thud-ded back on the ground nota foot from where it hadoriginally lay.

The old man offered onemore comment, "Of course,when I was your age thatpine tree was only 3 feettall."

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201086Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.

An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.Cleanliness is Best

In a restroom at IBM'sWatson Center, a su-pervisor had placed asign directly above thesink. It had a singleword on it:

"THINK"!

The next day, when hewent to the restroom,he looked at the signand right below, imme-diately above the soapdispenser, someonehad carefully letteredanother sign whichread:

"THOAP!"

The executive was in-terviewing Uncle Andyfor a position in hiscompany.

He wanted to find outsomething about hispersonality so heasked, "If you couldhave a conversationwith someone, living ordead, who would itbe?"

Uncle Andy quickly re-sponded, "The livingone."


A potato baked in thecoals for one hourmakes an excellentside dish. A potatobaked in the coals forthree hours makes anexcellent hockey puck.

Think summer,baby!

PRE-BUY & BUDGET PLANS • 24 HR. BURNER SERVICE • AUTOMATIC DELIVERY

• Heating Oil• Propane• Kerosene• Diesel

FOR ALL YOUR ENERGY NEEDSWe cover:

Lewiston-Auburn • Mechanic FallsPoland • Minot • Hebron & more!

Wood Pellets $249 a ton!Corinth Wood pellets - 100% hardwood!!

BRYANT ENERGY345-4301 • 800-698-0032

33 Elm St. • Mechanic Falls

Politically Correct Statements for Students in 2010: Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 87783-7039 I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a drag. – Uncle Andy


I lost my mind! I think my kids took it.

OVER 20 YEARS OF BUILDING EXPERIENCE

Call 753-9887 or 576-8528 Fully Insured • Many References Available

“The Difference is in the Details”

Best prices with the highest quality workmanship.

CALL TODAY for your FREE quote!

For that Kitchen or Bathroom remodel

HOMES WANTEDWe could sell your home in 24 hours!

CALL US AT 784-3800 IF YOUR HOME FITS ANY OF THESE DESCRIPTIONS

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Free Use of Moving Van • Free Use of Moving Van

336 Center St., Auburn

784-3800

Lewistonup to

$125,000

Lewistonup to

$225,0005+ Bedrooms

Year-roundHome on

Tacoma Lakes

Durhamup to

$215,000

Windhamup to

$300,000

Most

vis

ited a

gent

websi

te

Kongratulations,Kelsie!

Kelsie Riouxwas named Student of

the quarter at the MaineVocational Region 10!

Great job, Kelsie!!

Strange Lawsuits

A woman went into aNorthridge discount de-partment store to buy ablender. She decidedto take the bottom boxfrom a stack of fourblenders from an uppershelf used to storeextra stock. When shepulled out the bottombox, the rest of theboxes fell. She suedthe store for not warn-ing customers fromtaking stock from theupper shelf and forstacking the boxes sohigh. She claimed tosustain carpal tunnelsyndrome and neck,shoulder and backpain.

This year, Uncle Andyresolves to... Get thewindows tinted. Buy

some fur for the dash.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class,"What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows whatJesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where didyou get that?"

The little one said, "Well, you know they arealways talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201088

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. – Uncle Andy

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Nthe

evelwith Matt Fournier

Modular vs. Stick Built

Modular's, in general, have similarbuilding materials, mechanics and, forthe most part, are considered equals (Idon’t have enough room to talk aboutHudulars) to stick built homes. Havingsaid that, Modular's only advantage ina slow building market like this is thelead time from when ordered to whendelivered. A four week savings shouldbe average, but in a busy market youcould wait up to 12 weeks before themodular is even shipped. Is a 15%premium for a potentially faster fin-ished home worth it? That’s an averageof $20,000 more for maybe 4 weeks oftime savings. How about your moneygoing to a factory of assembly lineworkers vs. a Maine business? On theassembly line it usually takes one dayor less to build a house depending onthe manufacturer, what are you losingin terms of quality and what shortcutswere taken? Going back to value, mostcompanies build mobile homes andshare a lot of the same inexpensivematerials and mechanical fastenings.Well run framing crews, 2nd genera-tion drywallers, tradesmen, and fin-ished carpenters are hard to beat. In summary, I have seen hundreds ofwell made quality Modular's that manyMainers call home. I have even builtsome in the Cape Neddick area inYork… I mean Northern Mass. Pointbeing, only a few local people benefit-ted and the premium could have beenmoney saved or money spent on agarage or landscaping. Want to knowmore or want to know what a HUDU-LAR is? Send me an [email protected].

Please send your questions [email protected] and se-lected questions with answers willbe published in next month’s issue.Let’s see what we build together.

Whatever you guys do,don’t look behind us!

Out & About at L-A Harley’s Fan Jam 2010

ind L-A Harley on

acebook and become a

an


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 89783-7039 In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?

What the heck, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. Picking a Hymn

Submitted by Jimbo

One Sunday a pastortold his congregationthat the church neededsome extra money andasked the people toprayerfully considergiving a little extra inthe offering plate. Hesaid that whoever gavethe most would be ableto pick out threehymns.

After the offering plateswere passed, the pas-tor glanced down andnoticed that someonehad placed a $1,000bill in offering. He wasso excited that he im-mediately shared hisjoy with his congrega-tion and said he'd liketo personally thank theperson who placed themoney in the plate.

And there sat ourRosie all the way in theback shyly raised herhand. The pastorasked her to come tothe front. Slowly shemade her way to thepastor. He told herhow wonderful it wasthat she gave so muchand in thanksgivingasked her to pick outthree hymns.

Her eyes brightened asshe looked over thecongregation, pointedto the three most hand-some men in the build-ing and said, "I'll takehim and him and him."

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201090

Jimbo on Uncle Andy: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.


Rick Nichols & SonsExcavation & Carpentry

Call 345-9586 or 754-9586

Snowplowing

1525 Lisbon StreetLewiston ME, 04240783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706Fax: 783-2873Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLARNo Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

The SSAANNIIPLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from asoil stack. The SSAANNIIPLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a

toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connectedto a low consumption toilet.

SSAANNIIPLUS

ATTENTION BUSINESS OWNERS, PROPERTY MANAGERS & LANDLORDS

Affordable commercial Master Electricianfor all your electrical needs

Licensed & Insured

SLC Electrical(207) [email protected]

“Our prices wonʼt SHOCK you”

Uncle Andyʼs motto: First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

You want the best for your family, and with Muralo BreatheSafe™ you get just that. BreatheSafe™ is virtually odorless andfree of VOC’s, while still keepingthe high performance propertiesyou’ve come to expect from aMuralo product.

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

This year, Uncle Andy resolves to... Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

1311 Roosevelt Trail (Rt. 302) • Raymond • 655-1030

HELP SAVE THE DEER HERD

Guns • Ammo • Accessories

Electronic Predator CallsCoyote • Fox • Squirell • Rabbit

and other wild game calls


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 91783-7039 Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and traveler's checks.




Why buy particle

board cabinets at the

big box stores when

you can get

solid wood built

cabinets for

less money?

This is the best

time ever to shop

for cabinets!

We have the

best quality for the

lowest prices!

Jacob Gagnonjust coming out from a spin

in an Electrolux dryer

Yeah, I’m spoiled with all these fluffy

pillows and stuff.What about it,

buddy?!

Molly Marsh

I saw an interview onTV with an old farmerwho won ten milliondollars in the lottery.

Naturally he was askedwhat he was going dowith all that money.

He scratched his headand said, "Not sure as Iknow right off. GuessI'll keep farmin' till it'sall gone."

Gediman’s Guy

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201092

Don't worry. I forgot your name too. – Uncle Andy

True power is when what you say is only the tip of the iceberg of what you really know.

Find us onfacebook

BirthdateSubmitted by Jimbo

One day while takingtheir third coffee breakUncle Andy was tellingTravis a story aboutthat his father, grandfa-ther and great-grandfa-ther and how they hadall walked on water ontheir 21st birthdays.So, on his 21st birth-day, Uncle Andy andhis good friend BigGare headed out to thelake. "If they did it, Ican too!" he insisted.

When Uncle Andy andBig Gare arrived at thelake, they rented aboat and began pad-dling. When the got tothe middle of the lake,Uncle Andy stepped offof the side of theboat... and nearlydrowned. Furious andsomewhat shamed, heand Big Gare headedfor home.

When Uncle Andy ar-rived back at the familyfarm, he asked hisgrandmother for an ex-planation. "Grandma,why can I not walk onwater like my father,and his father, and hisfather before him?"

The feeble old grand-mother took UncleAndy by the hands,looked into his eyes,and explained, "That'sbecause your father,grandfather, and great-grandfather were bornin January... you wereborn in July, dear."


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 93783-7039 Nostalgia is a device that removes the ruts and the potholes from Memory Lane.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top.

Hours:M-F 8 to 5

Come visit our showroom at 884 Lisbon Street, Lewiston783-9200 or 1-866-989-9155 • email: [email protected]

L & S WINDOWS

Use your Income Tax money to improveyour home and increase the value. Get FREE in-home estimates on roofing,siding and windows. We have thebiggest selections to choose from.Hurry before prices go up in Spring!

We sell:• Metal & Asphalt Roofing• Entry Doors & Windows

10% Discount for SeniorsInstallation Available

Vinyl Replacements$175starting at

Over 20 YearsExperience

Fully Insured

Logan Warner & Shaylie WarnerSon & Granddaughter of Scot & Laurianne Warner,

Owners of L&S Windows

installed

• Basement Hoppers• Coil Rolls & Siding


Fan Jam 2010

Dog RulesBasic Rules for Dogs Who

Have a Yard To Protect

CHASING CATS:When chasing cats,make sure you never---quite--- catch them.It spoils all the fun.

SPRING & SUMMER PROJECTS

Call 345-TWINor 576-5494 or 740-0040

TWINCONSTRUCTION

Certified Lead Safe Renovator

Buying DistressedProperties

Twin Construction can do it!New construction • Remodeling • Roofing

Flooring • Windows • Light excavation & more!

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201094I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. – Uncle Andy

Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition DebrisBoilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed

Winter is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!

Over 10 years making unwanted stuff go away!!

Paul & Mike Farrell

Farrell EnterprisesFarrell Enterprises

Property ServicesEspecially Foreclosures

Trash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumpedDemolition (one room or the whole building)

Roofing, painting porches and other light repairs

Geez, Dad is always on the

phone!

Great! You saw my ad in Uncle Andy’s Digest!!

We’ll be right over...

CALL US FOR A FREE

QUOTE!

Fully Insured

782-5300 or 576-2501

REAL ESTATE • HOME IMPROVEMENT GUIDEOut & About atL-A Harley’s

Fan Jam 2010

Dog Rules

DOORS: The area di-

rectly in front of a door

is always reserved for

the family dog to sleep.


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 2010 95783-7039 I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Uncle Andy

Man has will, woman has way. Pressure ShotSubmitted by Jimbo

Two long-time golfingbuddies got to the courseone day and decided thatthis day they would playthe ball where it lies..."No matter what!"

On the 14th hole, one ofthem sliced his drive andit ended up on the cartpath. As he reached downto pick up his ball to getrelief, his friend said,"Wait a minute! Weagreed that we would notimprove our lies! Remem-ber? No matter what!"

The first player tried toexplain that he was enti-tled to this relief, that itwas in the rules of golf.But the second fellowwould not allow it.

Throwing up his hands indisgust, the man went tothe cart and grabbed aclub. As he stood near hisball, he took a few prac-tice swings, each timescraping the club on thepavement and sendingout showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot.The club hit the pathagain, sparks went flying,but his ball shot straighttowards the green, landedand rolled to a stop - twoinches from the cup.

"Great shot!" his friend ex-claimed. "What club didyou use?"

The man gave him a wrysmile, "Your 7 iron!"

783-7039


Jimbo & Travis

MARCH 201096

Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

There is nothing more uncommon than common sense.

FULL RECONDITIONING

SPECIAL

Interior:Complete wipedownSteam clean carpets &

seatsLeather conditioningShine windowsScenting

Exterior:WashCompound polishRail dust removalHand waxTire shineAcid off rimsEngine degrease

Includes:

MARCHONLY!

$125

Adam Raymond,Owner

Raymond’sReconditioning1830 Lisbon St. Lewiston

240-0773

Call for an appointmentWhen you mention this ad

Motorcycle ReconditioningCall FMI

753-0033LakeCityExports.com

867 Center

Street, Auburn

Many other vehicles available

Check out our website

753-0033LakeCityExports.com

Black, 88K, Auto w/tiptronic, Turbo, Leather, 180HP, 31MPG, ABS & Traction Control, CD& Premium Audio

2004 CHEVY TAHOE LS

1 Tow Pkg, Running Boards, Roof Rack, 3rd Row, 4 NEW TIRES,Cruise, Tilt, Multi CD Changer, Premium Bose Sound, Power

Windows, Locks, Mirrors and Drivers Seat

$12,990

BUY WITH CONFIDENCE!


2004 CHEVY TAHOE LT

Tow Pkg, Running Boards, Roof Rack, On Star, Heated Leather Seats,DVD, 3RD Row, Cruise, Multi CD Changer, Prem. Sound, Front &

Side Airbags, Moonroof, Pwr. Windows/Locks/Mirrors/Seats

$12,490


2005 CHEVY TAHOE Z71

Tow Pkg, Roof Rack, DVD & Navigation, On Star, Cruise, Tilt, CD,Premium Bose Sound, Moonroof, Power Windows, Locks, Mirrors

and Leather Seats, Brush Guard, Privacy Glass

$16,490


2006 FORD EXPEDITION XLT

Tow Pkg, Running Boards, Roof Rack, 3RD Row, ONE OWNER,Cruise, CD, Power Windows, Locks, Mirrors and Drivers Seat,

Privacy Glass

$14,990


2004 GMC YUKON SLE

Tow Pkg, Running Boards, Roof Rack, Cruise, CD & PremiumSound, Power Windows, Locks, Mirrors & Drivers Seat,

Tinted Glass

$12,490


2004 GMC YUKON XL

COMPLETELY LOADED Tow Pkg, Running Boards, Roof Rack, OnStar, Heated Seats, DVD, Cruise, Tilt, Multi CD Changer, Prem.Bose

Sound, Moonroof, Power Windows, Locks, Mirrors and Leather Seats

$11,490

1-Year Warranty with purchase of any of these

advertised vehicles!! Must mention this

ad at time of sale

1-Year Warranty

uad march 2010

Documents

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perfectemployee1 uncle

uncle andyworks

uncle andys digestmarch

withjimbo travismarch

people dont

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