uad august 2014

PricelessAUGUST 2014

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

[email protected]

The Most Unusual Digest in America!

August SAVINGS!

1009 Center St., Auburn • 333-3390 • AutoCityofMaine.com

Truck Caps

• Trailer Hitches• Window Tinting• Truck Accessories

• Remote Starters• Car Audio• Spray-on Bedliners

$100 OFF!$100 OFF!

$17,995$17,9952004

Hummer H2LUX, 4WD SUV*Many more

vehicles available, stop in & check us out!

.com

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Ron Ouellette*207-786-3612

Lewiston

Kim Pelkey*207-786-2573

Lewiston/Norway

Paul Colasante*207-782-8823

Lewiston

Michael Courtemanche*207-783-8921

Lewiston

Dick Courtemanche207-786-3622

Lewiston

Forest Cluff*207-725-4606

Brunswick

Deb Wagemann* ChFC207-783-8804

Auburn

*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.

Art Chamberlain207-514-7003

Lewiston

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

August 2014Thursday, August 7th Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm(Chapter 14437) 1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston$8 Member $8.50 Guest

Saturday, August 9th Bailey Island Cruise Be there by 11:30am(Chapter 8609) Cooks Landing,Bailey Island $13.50 age 10-64;$11 age 65+; $5 age 5-9

Tuesday, August 12thTaber’s 4pm – 7pm(Chapter 12749) Lakeshore Drive, Auburn $4.50 Member $5.50 Guest

Wednesday, August 20th Dairy Joy 3pm – 7pm(Chapter 10589) Campus Ave,Lewiston or Spring St. Auburn $1per person

Tuesday, August 26th Luiggi's 4pm - 7pm(Chapter 12907) Sabattus St, Lewiston$4.50 Member $5.50 Guest

Wednesday, August 27thVillage Pizzeria 11:30am - 1pm(Chapter 10929) 16 Pleasant St, McFalls$5 Member $5.50 Guest

PARK TICKETSAquaboggan $13.50 member; $15 guestCombo Fun/Splash$25.50 member; $27 guestFuntown $18.50 member; $20 guestSanta's Village $27 member; $28 guestSplashtown$18.50 member; $20 guestStoryland $28 member; $29 guestWaterCountry $28 member; $29 guestYork Animal Kingdom$10 member; $11 guest

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWEDPrices, Dates and Menu are subject tochange. If additional info is needed,please call our office, please do not callrestaurants. All activities can only beattended at the times listed.*************************Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up theweek prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

783-7039

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

August 20144

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

You can't stay young forever; but, you can be immature for your entire life.

Uncle Andy’s Digestis published by the first

Friday of every month byMaine Mountain Ocean

Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME.

It is distributed free through-out Central Maine and mailed

to subscribers all over theworld. Subscriptions are

$30/year. Send a $30 checkmade out to

Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363,

Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s Digest

MAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363

Auburn, ME 04212

EMAIL: [email protected]

PHONE: 207 783-7039

FAX: 207 777-3898

UncleAndys.com

Staff

JIMBOChapter Closes

UNCLE ANDYInto the Sunset

TIMShowing & Shining

MAGGIEHanging Tough

THOMASMufasa

PAMGolf Pro

TANMANThe Next Chapter

GENE-OJ'aime l'été

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in ourclient’s advertisements and our publication ingeneral, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inac-curacies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

Mike & JoeAdkins,licensed

denturists

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances AcceptedWe also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider

AFFORDABLE DENTURES

SMILE AGAIN DENTURESFREE CONSULTATIONS

SmileAgainDentures.comOr email us at:

[email protected]

Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!

Also see us for:• Full Dentures

• Immediate Dentures

• Partial Dentures

• Rebases

• Relines

• Repairs

• All work done in house,

including metal frameworks


Jimbo

August 2014 UncleAndys.com 5

At this age I would be unstoppable, if I could only get started.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Wicked SmaahtSubmitted by Jimbo

A doctor, a lawyer, a lit-tle boy and a priestwere out for a Sundayafternoon flight on asmall private plane.Suddenly, the planedeveloped engine trou-ble. In spite of the bestefforts of the pilot, theplane started to godown. Finally, the pilotgrabbed a parachute,yelled to the passen-gers that they had bet-ter jump, and then hebailed out.

Unfortunately, therewere only three para-chutes remaining. Thedoctor grabbed oneand said "I'm a doctor, Isave lives, so I mustlive," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said,"I'm a lawyer andlawyers are thesmartest people in theworld. I deserve tolive." He also grabbeda parachute andjumped.

The priest looked atthe little boy and said,"My son, I've lived along and full life. Youare young and haveyour whole life aheadof you. Take the lastparachute and live inpeace."

The little boy handedthe parachute back tothe priest and said,"Not to worry, Father.The 'smartest man inthe world' just took offwith my back pack!

783-7039


Jimbo

August 20146

I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2013Ford Escape SEL

4WD, Auto, 18k

our price

$24,995

2011 ChevroletTraverse

1LT, White, 3.6L, V6,AWD, 53k

our price

$21,995

2011 Ford Fusion SEL

Automatic, 2.5L, 4cyl.,Gray, 63k

our price

$15,688

2011 ToyotaAvalon Limited

Black, 37k, Automatic

our price

$23,9952012 Toyota

Camry Hybrid XLE

Gray Mica, 11k

our price

$26,995

2013 Chrysler200 Limited

3.6L, V6, 4dr., FWD,White, 5k

our price

$20,995

2012 ToyotaCorolla S

Silver, Manual,40k

our price

$15,588

2012 Ford Focus SE

Red, 51k, auto, FWD,36mpg

our price

$14,995

SumOut ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd

Annual Sea Bash!

Michael Gahagan & Betsy Coy

It’s what makes the world go ‘round...

Ray Ouellette, Lisa Olm-stead & Jesse St. Laurent

The Back Forty Used


Jimbo


I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.

2012 ToyotaCamry LE

Gray, Automatic,36k

our price

$16,998

2006 ToyotaCamry LE

Gray, Automatic,59k

our price

$10,9952011 Hyundai

Sonata Limited

Shimmering White, 2.4L4cyl., 55k

our price

$15,995

2013 Toyota4Runner SR5

Gray, 31k, auto, 4WD,V6

our price

$30,995

2012 ToyotaHighlander SE

V6, White, Automatic,24k

our price

$28,995

2013 ToyotaCamry SE

White, Automatic,24k

our price

$20,995

2013 Kia SoulBase

FWD, Auto 17k

our price

$15,9952013 Toyota

Corolla S

Gray, Manual,9k

our price

$18,995

mmer Deals!Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd

Annual Sea Bash!

Franki TamThe man, the myth,

the legend at Sea 40

We hope everyone had a great

time. Thanks for comingto our BASH!

The best date a guy could have.

A brain walks into a barand orders a pint ofbeer.

The barman says, "I'mnot serving you, you'reout of your skull!"

Car & Truck Center

783-7039


Jimbo

August 20148

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

HARRIS BROTHERS

HARRISBROS.

Call us!No Separating Required!

743-3891PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268

SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARISMINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD

KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

BJ Grondin, CSCS

• Group Classes • One-on-One Training • Nutrition Services • Team Training

Coaching You to Reach Your Individual Goals

272 Lewiston St. • Mechanic FallsPrime360Training.com • 577-5979 • [email protected]

Call Now for aComplimentaryAssesment!

Christine Wilson, Shawn Wright, Jen Gen Carlton & AnnMarie Gendron

It was AnnMarie’s birthday,

so we hit the Bash likewe owned it.

Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!Mouths of Babes

Submitted by Jimbo

A woman was tryinghard to get the ketchupout of the jar. Duringher struggle the phonerang so she asked her4-year-old daughter toanswer it.

The little girlanswered the phoneobediently saying: “Mommy can't come tothe phone to talk to youright now. She's hittingthe bottle.”

VisitationSubmitted by Thomas Hill

An elderly woman de-cided to prepare herwill and told herpreacher she had twofinal requests. First,she wanted to be cre-mated, and second,she wanted her ashesscattered over Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart?" thepreacher exclaimed."Why Wal-Mart?"

Then I'll be sure mydaughters visit metwice a week."

Call Diana orLarry formore info

and pricing!

Dad’s PlaceCatering Division

Fall Dates are filling fast - Book NOW!

345-9009 DadsPlace.info

Weddings • ReunionsLobster Feeds • BBQ’s and More!

Indoors • Outdoors • We do it all!

There’s NO PLACE like...

Dad’s Place23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!!

Professional service at an affordable price

Expires 8.31.14 ONLY

$5

FREE COFFEE FRIDAY!

Free 20 oz. coffee with purchaseof Breakfast Sandwich

every Friday.

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201410

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

I must be getting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.

Mike Morin’s Auto Center

Mike Morin

autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433

Front end alignments for ONLY$79.95!

WHAT A DEAL!

OIL CHANGE

Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles(Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

$24.95

Our

19th Year!

Fresh ProduceBlackie’s Farm

Open Year Round

996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 786-4356

908 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005

Hours: 6am - 8pm

The survival of the fittest is going to make someone awful lonesome some day.

How am I? If I were any better, I'd be twins.

9 Acadia Ave, Lewiston312-5478

Twisted Scissors

$1.00 OFFALL Hair Cuts

Expires 8.31.14

Back to School Special

You’re gonnalove it!

1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston • 376-3870 • ChickadeeLewiston.com

Gotta LOVE the Chick!Gotta LOVE the Chick!

of Lewiston

Boiled Lobster Dinners ∞ Fresh Steamer Clams ∞ Fresh Fried Whole Belly ClamsFried, Baked, Broiled Seafood Entrées ∞ Awesome Salad Selections

Lobster Stew ∞ Fish Chowder ∞ Sandwiches ∞ Lobster Subs ∞ Kids Menu

Call for more info.

Want us to cater

your next event? Food & Beverage - We do it!

Buffet style or plated dinners or lunches?

We got it!

Platters for 15 or 30 people?

We do it!

Elevator Romance

Submitted by Jimbo

I was alone in an ele-vator when a girlstepped in with aphone pressed to herear. “I have to go,” shetold the person on theother end. “There’s a cute guy standinghere.”

Before I could react,she turned to me andsaid, “Sorry for lying. Ijust wanted to end thatconversation.”

The Pencil Principle

Submitted by Thomas Hill

A mother complainedto my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealingher daughter’s pencils.

“It’s not the money youunderstand, it’s the principle,” she insisted.

“My husband tookthose pencils fromwork.”


Jimbo


In poker, a good deal depends on a good deal.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Out ’n About atLuiggi’s in Lewiston

on Spaghetti Day

Tyler Palmer

We hope you enjoy this sneak peakinto the behind thescenes at Luiggi’s.

Morgan Hubbard

Spaghetti day always makes me think of thatmovie Lady and

the Tramp.

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201412

I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.

Today's program is brought to you by Oil of Olay, the favorite oil of bull fighters everywhere!

I may be getting older, but I've still got it! Lately however, nobody wants to see it.

Out ’n About at theBlue Goose

with the Chamber forBusiness After Hours

Bert CoteOwner of Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall

It takes the new guy to finally

get my picture in Uncle Andy’s Digest,

nice!

Gary & JenniferRoss

Wasting TimeSubmitted by Thomas Hill

A little girl had just finished her first weekof school.

“I'm just wasting mytime,” she said to hermother. “I can't read, Ican't write, and theywon't let me talk!”


Jimbo


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty are "XL".

The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Flower ShoppeSweet Pea Designs

Weddings • Receptions & PartiesProms • I Love You’s • Birthdays

Funerals • Showers & Just Because

sweetpeafloraldesignsme.com • [email protected]

777-1520

We speak a language YOU understand!Straight Talk. Practical Solutions.

We specialize in: Litigation, Divorce, Family Matters, Evictions for Landlords, Estate Planning & Court-Appointed matters.

The Law Offices of Kimberly A. Levesque, Esq.

207-786-0346 184 Webster Street, Lewiston LewistonMaineLawyers.com

Call for your FREEconsultation!

Ask About Home Visits!

Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd

Annual Sea Bash!

Thomas & Jimboreminisce of when they firstmet and became fast friends

almost 10 years ago.

Shawn Wright & Tommy Hill

Ashley & Sarah

Say cheese, Jimbo!

Stop telling me

what to do!

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201414

If you need a helping hand, look at the end of your arm.

Some people's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells.

183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon 353-9862qualitycareautorepair.com

We employ Advanced Master ASE certified technicians, and have State-of-the-art diagnostic

equipment and training to provide Quality Service. Call today for a FREE quote.

Tony GirouardOwner

We’re closer than you

think! Only a 5 minute

drive from the Ramada.

Open 7 days a week!www.tabersgolf.com

TABERS470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn

Driving Range • Mini Golf • Restaurant • Ice Cream FAMILY FUN!Try our Deep FriedOreo Sundae!Simply Delicious!

Try our homemade chicken, tuna &

lobster rolls & NEW grilled chicken spinach salad!

BackfiredSubmitted by Jimbo

We had just finishedtucking our five kidsinto bed when three-year-old Billy began towail.

Turns out, he had acci-dentally swallowed apenny and was sure hewas going to die.

Desperate to calm him,my husband palmed apenny that he had inhis pocket and pre-tended to pull it fromBilly’s ear.

Billy was delighted. Ina flash, he snatched itfrom my husband’shand, swallowed it, anddemanded, “Do itagain!”

In Living ColorSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Uncle Andy walks intoa design studio with ablack-and-white flyer.

Uncle Andy: Can youmake a color copy?

Owner: Do you havethe original?

Uncle Andy: No. Justthis one.

Owner: Sorry, I can’tmake color copies un-less I have the originalcolor version.

Uncle Andy (con-fused): Why can’t youjust run it through thecolor copier?

Out ’n About atSea 40’s 2nd

Annual Sea Bash!

Havin

g a BL

AST!


Jimbo


A true friend thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

I've got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date.

WOW! Don’t spend $18 at thebeauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS forAll day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

$12Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’sBarber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm;

Sat 7:30am - 2pm

Home of the

Engine Co.

Burger

Join Our Mug Club21 Draft beers

Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn • 376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz

Try our Homemade Baxter Beer Battered Onion Rings!

COME AND ENJOY OUR OUTDOOR SEATING!Mon: Burger Nights w/2 sides . .$6.99 . . . . . .Pitchers $8.00Tues: Open Mic Night . . . . . . . .$2.00 PBRWed: Whiskey Drinks $1.00 off . .50¢ Wings . . .$5.00 MartinisThurs: Happy Hour! . . . . . . . . . .$2.00 DraftsFri: Live Entertainment starts at 9pmSat: Live Entertainment starts at 9pmSun: Home Cooked Meals: Pot Roast, Meat Loaf, Turkey Dinners

Drink

Specials All

Month!

RollodromeRollodromeWhere Good Skaters Meet

Since1954

Available for private parties

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940www.rollodrome.com

SUMMER SCHEDULEThursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00

Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

Dress CodeSubmitted by Jimbo

Little Uncle Andyopened the big familyBible hoping to viewsome pictures. He wasfascinated as he fingered through theold pages.

Suddenly, somethingfell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it suspiciously. What hesaw was an old leafthat had been pressedin between the pages.

“Mom, look what Ifound,” Little UncleAndy called out.

“What have you gotthere, Andy?”

With astonishment inLittle Uncle Andy’svoice, he answered, “Ithink it's Adam's underwear!”

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201416

I'm really into Grandfather clocks... Big time.

The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.

Age

is ju

st a

num

ber

and

min

e is

unl

iste

d.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

Darth Vader had a corrupt brother, Taxi Vader.

550 Lisbon Street, LewistonCubiclesinMaine.com • 207-783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE

We Furnish Solutions!

AFFORDABLE OFFICESOLUTIONS

Maine’s OFUSA Dealer

Need a Desk? An Office Chair? Or maybe a new Filing Cabinet?

All that and a whole lot more.Come see us at our NEW

location in the Pepperell Mill.

7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039New Auburn Social Club

August 15th & 16th Balloon FestivalBANDS BOTH NIGHTS! Food & $1.00 Can BeerFri. Audio Vibe 6-10pm • Sat. 4Play 6-10pm

9:00am–3:00pm Bring your bottles to Rolly’s Diner Parking Lot or return your bottles to Wheelers in New Auburn – mention the Marshall Popcorn Truck Fund.

All monies from the returns go to the repair of Marshall Popcorn Truck. Yard Sale 9:00am–3:00pm and Pig Roast 3–5:00pm • Call LeRoy FMI @ 577-2694

BOTTLE DRIVE Sat. Aug. 23rdDart & Pool

Leaguesstarting

soon!


Jimbo


"I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig". It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

Bought a suit made from a cactus, looked pretty sharp in it, too.

My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • HeidisAuburn.com

HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pmSun 10am-8pm

Locally Owned& Operated

HEIDI’S is the perfect stop before heading to the beach, the park or anywhere!Summer is More Fun When You Bring Heidi’s Along!

Out ’n About at theBattle of the Boats

Hosted by Community Credit Union

Kerry WoodPresident/CEO of Com-munity Credit Union pres-ents 4th Place in thetournament to DanielFortin & Brian Dube.

Kerry Wood presents 3rdPlace in the tournamentto Mark Olko & RandyGayton.

Kerry Wood presents 2nd Place in the tourna-ment to Joshua Black-wood & Kevin Busch.

Kerry Wood presents 1st Place in the tourna-ment to Mark Estrella &Dave Cousins.

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201418

In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

782-6515 1111 Center Street, Auburn

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING

Summer is here!

SELLING YOUR CAR OR TRUCK?Let us help you sell it faster and get more

for your vehicle with complete vehicle detailing!

Call for our HOT Summer Specials!

NEED TO DO A

FUNDRAISER?See back cover to learn more.

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Brad’s Precision Auto

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

• Appointments required• Fully warranteed & certified• $60/hr labor rate

NO PROBLEM!

333-0364Front Row L to R: Mallory & DanMiddle Row: Penny, Marek, John, Eli & GavinBack Row: Sarah, Brad, Ryan & Steve

Come join thefamily!

Bob Smith won a gift certifi-cate to Dad’s Placein Mechanic Falls.You better LIKE Uncle Andy’s Digeston Facebook for chances to win fabulous prizes!

Dinner is on metonight, honey!

I bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only 8 minutes.

On the LookoutSubmitted by Jimbo

Police are hunting the'Knitting Needle Bandit', who stabbedsix people in the backside recently.

They believe the attacker could be following some kind ofpattern.

Occasionally I question my sanity - sometimes, worryingly, it replies.


Jimbo


A book just fell on my head... I've only got myshelf to blame.

There's a spider living in my keyboard, but it's alright, I've got him under control.

FREE Kids Haircut

71 East Avenue • Lewiston

783-3321www.cassiels.com

Mom, book a cut andcolor and get a

Kid’s CutAbsolutely Free!

(Up to 10 years old)

Call for an appointment!


on Spaghetti Day

Lynnette Clark

We average 35 pounds of

spaghetti served on Wednesdays!

Dalton Burns

Not to mention 6 pots of sauce and

50 pounds of meatballs!!

Sandy Larochelle

Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.

Auburn Suburban Little League 9/10 year-old All-Stars, District 5 ChampionsThese ball players went on to compete in the state tournament and finished 3rd in the state!

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201420

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.

I was brought up to believe I could be anybody I wanted to be... Turns out the police call that identity theft!

Man walks into seafood shop and says “Can I have a lobster tail please?” The owner says “Sure, Once upon a time...”

withSPRQ-tacular

Savings!August 25th through

September 6th

FITNESS

375-6000 • SPRQStudio.com

20 Main St., Sabattus(2nd Floor)

Special

1 Day Pric

ing

& Teacher

Specials

Back to School Live Sale & Open HouseSaturday, Sept. 6th Noon-7pm

Class Demos, Giveaways galore, Extra Special 1 day pricing

w/school

ID badge

SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET

For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!

2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502

“Try us once,

you’ll be a regular!”

OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm

1-TOPPING PIZZAS2 LARGE

$16.99ONLYExpires 8.31.14

Where You’re Like One of the Family!

Drew, Kaitlyn & Alicia at Bubble Rock in Acadia National Park

Main Street Market

should start delivering...


Annual Sea Bash!

Tina Jennings & Scott Cote

Greg Keneborus


Jimbo


I hate it when people leave the fridge open. It’s not cool.

Last night I fell asleep on a bed of rice. I was out as soon as my head hit the pilaf.

Two convenient locations: 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 or 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500

GreatFallsfcu.com

Great FallsFederal Credit Union

Restrictions & qualification apply

We have the loan for you!Auto • Recreational • Personal

Our auto loans

will have youfloating on

air!

• CompetitiveLow Rates

• Fast Approvals

• Extended Terms

We have the money to

lend!

At Great Falls FCUwe’re not full of

hot air!

Call Michele, Dane or Ken today!

Vehicle supplied by Emerson Chevrolet

for photo shoot.

Ten DollarsSubmitted by Thomas Hill

George and his wifeBessie went to thecounty fair every year.This was their "big"event of the year. Infact, it was the closestthing they ever had toa vacation.

Each year Georgewould say to Bessie, "Isure would like to ridein that there cropdustin', acrobatic air-plane." And each yearBessie would say, "Iknow George, but thatairplane ride costs tendollars. And ten dollarsis ten dollars."

One year George andBessie went to the fairand George said,"Bessie, I'm 81 yearsold. If I don't ride thatairplane this year, Imay never get anotherchance."

Bessie replied,"George, that there air-plane ride costs tendollars. And ten dollarsis ten dollars."

The pilot overheardthem and said, "Folks,I've seen you here yearafter year. I knowyou've been wanting toride in my airplane allthat time. I also knowthat money is pretty im-portant to you, and youdon't part with it lightly."

"Tell you what, I'll makeyou a deal. I'll take youboth up for a ride. Ifyou can both keep

(continued on page 23)

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201422

I learned everything I know about the trapeze online, I couldn't have done it without the net.

My friend went to a Star Trek fan convention dressed as Chewbacca... It was a wookie mistake.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now!

www.LuiggisPizzeria.comSince 1953

MONDAYThe Fergy

TUESDAYMeatball Subs

WEDNESDAYSpaghetti Dinners

1 meatball, salad,

garlic bread, drink

THURSDAYMini Pizza

FRIDAY$1.00 OFF

Any Large Pizza

SATURDAY2 Ham or Salami

Italians

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $5.50

SUNDAYBaked Ziti

Tammy Truman


on Spaghetti Day

Theresa Roy

32 years later and I’m still

smiling!

Uncle Andy, I can’t be bothered

right now. Get out of my kitchen!

Previous owner (2nd from left), Bev Derosier with some ofher family, Bryant, Jacob, Janelle Caron & Alexandra.

We love to stop in when we’re in the

area. It’s great to seeLuiggi’s doing well!

This reminiscing is great and all, Nana...

can we eat NOW?!


Q: How many mystery

writers does it take to

screw in a light bulb?

A: Two.

One to screw it almost

all the way in and the

other to give it a sur-

prising twist at the end.


Jimbo


Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie.

Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.

• Wheel alignment & balancing

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I got a trumpet for my birthday, but it's still in it's box... I'm not one to toot my own horn.

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon

87 Mill St. New Auburn753-0171

• Unusual Omelettes• Crepes• Breakfast All Day• Extensive Menu

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!Rolly’s Diner

Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily

L to R: Kelcie, Kim, Marc and Pauline

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quiet for the entire ride,and not say one word, Iwon't charge you athing. But if you sayeven one word, it'll costyou ten dollars."

George and Bessieagreed. They got in theplane and took off. Thepilot did all kinds oftwists, turns, rolls, anddives, but he didn'thear a peep fromGeorge or Bessie. Hetries his fastest upsideroll and it was still quietfrom the back.

When they landed, thepilot looked at George:"Well, I don't believe itGeorge, I did every-thing I could think of toget you to yell, but youdidn't."

George replied, "Well, Iwas going to saysomething whenBessie fell out of theairplane...."

"But, ten dollars is tendollars."

(continued from page 21)

PerspectiveSubmitted by Thomas Hill

A little boy got lost atthe gym and foundhimself in the women'slocker room. When hewas spotted, the roomburst into shrieks, withladies grabbing towelsand running for cover.

The little boy watchedin amazement andthen asked, “What'sthe matter, haven't youever seen a little kidbefore?”

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201424

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra.

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There may be a tax on it by then!


Annual Sea Bash!

The BeautyMiss Maine was one of the

bartenders!

The Brawnsecurity was not an issue

at the Sea Bash!

Take that!!!


Jimbo


One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.


Annual Sea Bash!

Jeff & Suzi Akerley

Beau & Apryl Blais

JoAn & Dan Larrivee

Would you take a look at that...

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201426

Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he'll fix it. There's no need to remind himevery six months.

So what if you can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

Right AnswerSubmitted by Jimbo

Farmer Joe decidedhis injuries from the ac-cident were seriousenough to take thetrucking company (re-sponsible for the acci-dent) to court. In courtthe trucking companiesfancy lawyer was ques-tioning farmer Joe."Didn't you say, at thescene of the accident,'I'm fine'?" said thelawyer.

Farmer Joe responded,"Well, I'll tell you whathappened. I had justloaded my favoritemule Bessie intothe......."

"I didn't ask for any de-tails," the lawyer inter-rupted, "just answerthe question. Did younot say, at the scene ofthe accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well,I had just got Bessieinto the trailer and Iwas driving down theroad..."

The lawyer interruptedagain and said, “Judge,I am trying to establishthe fact that, at thescene of the accident,this man told the High-way Patrolman on thescene that he was justfine. Now severalweeks after the acci-dent he is trying to suemy client. I believe heis a fraud. Please tell

(continued on next page)

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Jimbo


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

She acts like summer and walks like rain.

Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday

villageinnmaine.com

Award Winning Chowder

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Large Groups Welcomed Private Function RoomsLounge and Dining RoomFull Bar• Plenty of FREE Parking

Stop by during the Balloon Festivalfor L/A’s Best Seafood!

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- Call Ahead

him to simply answerthe question.”

By this time the Judgewas fairly interested inFarmer Joe's answerand said to the lawyer,"I'd like to hear what hehas to say about his fa-vorite mule, Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judgeand proceeded, "Well,as I was saying, I hadjust loaded Bessie, myfavorite mule, into thetrailer and was drivingher down the highwaywhen this huge semi-truck and trailer ran thestop sign and smackedmy truck right in theside. I was thrown intoone ditch and Bessiewas thrown into theother. I was hurting realbad and didn't want tomove. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moan-ing and groaning. Iknew she was in terri-ble shape just by hergroans.

Shortly after the acci-dent a Highway Patrol-man came on thescene. He could hearBessie moaning andgroaning so he wentover to her. After helooked at her he tookout his gun and shother between the eyes.Then the Patrolmancame across the roadwith his gun in his handand looked at me. Hesaid, "Your mule was insuch bad shape I hadto shoot her - how areyou feeling?"

(continued from previous page)

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783-7039


Jimbo

August 201430

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends. They can't remember them either.

Ron Chicoine, MDfor County Commissioner

I ask for your vote November 4th

“On Call for Lewiston.”

Paid for and authorized by the candidate.

The SSAANN IIPLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from asoil stack. The SSAANN IIPLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a

toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connectedto a low consumption toilet.

1525 Lisbon Street, Lewiston783-6927 • 1-800-834-5706Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4

MySelco.com

ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLARNo Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base

SSAANNIIPLUS

Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.

Back Row: Coach Peter Doucette, Scorekeeper Peter Merrill, Manager Darryl Gibson & Coach Peter Keefe.Middle Row: Hunter Gibson, Jay Hawkes, Darick “DJ” Whitney, Ethan Cutler, Wyatt Knightly & Jack Keefe.

Front row: Andrew Merrill, Noah Pratt, Dean Sinkler, Isaiah Oufiero & Matt Doucette

Andy Valley Cal Ripken 10 Year Old State Champions

This group of all-stars went undefeated through districts and the state tournament. They represented Maine in the Regionals in New Hampshire and went 2-2. Great run, boys!

Makes SenseSubmitted by Jimbo

“Give me a sentenceabout a public servant,”the teacher instructedher second-grade student.

“The fireman camedown the ladder preg-nant,” he answered.

“Umm … Do you knowwhat pregnantmeans?”

“Yes,” said the boy. “Itmeans carrying achild.”

DecisionsSubmitted by Thomas Hill

My husband and Icouldn’t decide whichjacket to buy ourgranddaughter, so weasked the young sales-man.

“If you were buying ajacket for your girl-friend,” I said, “whatwould you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” hesaid. “I’m married.”

Cool

Sequence

Photography


Jimbo


The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.

My high school marching band was so small, they formed a period.

An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

We buy, sell & trade86 Court St., Auburn

777-3579Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner

Full Line Gunsmith ServiceJ.T. REID’S GUNSJ.T. REID’S GUNS

HUGEINVENTORY SALE!

We are overstocked on guns and ammoCALL FOR NEXT HAND GUN CLASS

Cool SequencePhotography

Rules are RulesSubmitted by Jimbo

Recently, a manstopped at my desk atthe library and askedme to help him with asituation...

A woman had breast-fed her infant and for-gotten to tuck herselfback in.

I walked over to herand said, “Ma’am, I’mvery sorry, but we don’tallow open drink con-tainers in the library.”

ThriftySubmitted by Thomas Hill

A man walks into a barbershop and asks,“How much for a hair-cut?”

“Twelve dollars,” saysthe barber.

“And for a shave?”

“Ten dollars.”

“All right,” says theman, settling into thebarber chair. “Shavemy head.”

This magazine is the greatest thingsince sliced bread.

Send us your jokes.

We’ll get you published!

Send them to [email protected] for consideration

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201432

I'm as confused as a mosquito in a mannequin factory.

You know what I hate? Indian givers...no wait, I take that back.

Did You Know?Heinz Catsup can besqueezed out of thebottle at 25 miles perhour.



The GOOSE.It is what it is.

Awesome!

Abdirisakholds up two winning traditions

Patti Gagne& Pamela Dube

No aflac here...Just the Goose!

It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!


Jimbo


You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

AUGUST SPECIALWe are a full service salon

14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite AHighland Spring Road, Lewiston • 786-4311

Hours: Tues. Wed. & Thu. 6am - 8pmFri. 8am - 3pm • Sat. 8am - 1pm

GET YOUR BACK-TO-SCHOOL

LOOK HERE!

Spend $100 on any serviceswith Kelly D or Camille

and receive up to $20 in FREE product!

A fresh perspective for Lewiston!

What matters for Lewiston,What matters for Maine

• Welfare Reform• Education• Tax Burden• Citizen Voices

Patti Gagne

Learn more at:

PattiGagneforSenate.com

Paid for and authorized by Patti Gagne for Senate,Pam Remieres-Morin, Treasurer

Texting101

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201434

The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.

Do you ever get the feeling that your stuff has strutted without you?

My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.

Jim’s Rent It

1097 Center St., Auburn

• Car Rentals• Pickup Truck Rentals• Convertibles

Lowest priced car rental in the area!

• Passenger Vans with 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity

Car accidents, no problem!We offer insurance-paid car rentals

Call 784-5438 for details

ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.

www.springmeadowsgolf.com

Monday Night Scrambles5:00PM Shotgun Start - Every Monday

Singles or full teams are accepted

Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586

GOLF CLUB ATCOLE FARMS

2 for 1Must present this coupon to receive

ONE FREE GREEN FEEfor each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatoryfor each player. May not be combined withother offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thruThursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play.

✃Expires 8.31.14

WEEKEND 9 HOLE SPECIALPlay 9 holes with cart

for $25before 7am & after 2pm

Saturdays & Sundays in August.

Tough LoveSubmitted by Thomas Hill

One summer eveningduring a violent thun-derstorm a mother wastucking her small boyinto bed. She wasabout to turn off thelight when he askedwith a tremor in hisvoice, "Mommy, willyou sleep with metonight?" The mothersmiled and gave him areassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said."I have to sleep inDaddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by ashaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

Pound forPound

Submitted by Jimbo

When I stepped on thescale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed144 pounds.

“Why don’t you justtake off that last four?”I joked to the nurse asshe made a notationon my chart.

A few moments later,my doctor came in andflipped through thechart.

“I see you’ve lostweight,” he said.“You’re down to 14pounds.”

Retail • Wholesale • Redemption • Liquor Store5 Locations for Your Convenience!

694 Main St.

Lewiston • 782-1482

794 Sabattus St.


1420 Lisbon St.


545 Minot Ave.

Auburn • 783-2047

303-311 Main St.

Auburn • 783-9098

Roopersbeverage.com

TEXT to WIN this Vending Cooler!Text Roopers at 41411

to enter! AUGUST SPECIAL

Bud/Bud Light

24pk 16 oz.

$17.99

Sabattus Street, Lewiston Lisbon Street, Lewiston Main Street, Auburn

Minot Ave, Auburn Main Street, Lewiston

WHAT’S BREWINGAND ALWAYS NEWYOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERS

August SpecialPinnacle Vodka 1.75L

$17.99 All Flavors

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201436

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

Family Friendly Dentist~ Right in Your Backyard ~

Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997

Accepting New Patients!

James F. Weigand, DDSGeneral Dentistry364 Maine StreetPoland Spring • 998-4587(Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122 Most Insurances Accepted

Are the "good things that come to those who wait" really just leftovers from people who got there first?

withSPRQ-tacular

Savings!August 25th through

September 6th

FITNESS

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Back to School Live Sale & Open HouseSaturday, Sept. 6th Noon-7pm

Class Demos, Giveaways galore, Extra Special 1 day pricing

w/school

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Dog DictionarySubmitted by Thomas Hill

LEASH: A strap whichattaches to your collar,enabling you to leadyour person where youwant him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft,clean surface, such asthe white bedspread inthe guest room or thenewly upholsteredcouch in the livingroom.

DROOL: Is what youdo when your personshave food and youdon't. To do this prop-erly you must sit asclose as you can andlook sad and let thedrool fall to the floor, orbetter yet, on theirlaps.

SNIFF: A social customto use when you greetother dogs. Place yournose as close as youcan to the other dogand inhale deeply, re-peat several times, oruntil your personmakes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: Acontainer which yourneighbors put out oncea week to test your in-genuity. You muststand on your hind legsand try to push the lidoff with your nose. Ifyou do it right you arerewarded with mar-garine wrappers toshred, beef bones toconsume and moldycrusts of bread.

BICYCLES: (continued on next page)


Jimbo


Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.

I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which was a lot cheaper.

jasminecafemaine.com

730 Center Street, AuburnAuburn Plaza • 376-4855

Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi

Happy HourMonday-Thursday

2-5pm1/2 price Appetizers2 for 1 Singha Beer

Try Our All Day Specials!Monday: Pad ThaiTuesday: CurryWednesday: Chicken Ka-Pow

Only $7.95

Two-wheeled exercisemachines, invented fordogs to control bodyfat. To get maximumaerobic benefit, youmust hide behind abush and dash out,bark loudly and runalongside for a fewyards; the person thenswerves and falls intothe bushes, and youprance away.

DEAFNESS: This is amalady which affectsdogs when their personwant them in and theywant to stay out.Symptoms includestaring blankly at theperson, then running inthe opposite direction,or lying down.

THUNDER: This is asignal that the world iscoming to an end. Hu-mans remain amaz-ingly calm duringthunderstorms, so it isnecessary to warnthem of the danger bytrembling uncontrol-lably, panting, rollingyour eyes wildly, andfollowing at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: Thisis a dog toy filled withpaper, envelopes, andold candy wrappers.When you get bored,turn over the basketand strew the papersall over the house untilyour person comeshome.

SOFAS: Are to dogslike napkins are to peo-ple. After eating it ispolite to run up anddown the front of the



783-7039


Jimbo

August 201438

You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.

A clean house indicates that there is a broken computer in it.

Sarah Jeanne’sSuit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental

Cut ‘n’ ColorOnly $50

Call for an appointment

Book Now - Filling Fast!August Only

HALFPRICE

HAIRCUTSAges 12 & under

August Only

Sun + Mon 12-6 • Tues + Wed 9-6Thurs + Fri 9-8 • Sat 8-3

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston SarahJeannes.com

795-6778

Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning

Micayla, Sarah,Jane & Tiffanie

sofa and wipe yourwhiskers clean.

BATH: This is aprocess by which thehumans drench thefloor, walls and them-selves. You can helpby shaking vigorouslyand frequently.

LEAN: Every gooddog's response to thecommand "sit!", espe-cially if your person isdressed for an eveningout. Incredibly effectivebefore black-tie events.

BUMP: The best wayto get your human's at-tention when they aredrinking a fresh cup ofcoffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as alast resort when theRegular Bump doesn'tget the attention yourequire... especially effective when com-bined with The Sniff.


Sorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.

Miss Mainegives posing lessons to the next potential

Miss Maine, Beau Blais

I think I’m a better poser...

Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!

Dear PetsSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Dear Beloved Pets:The dishes with thepaw print are yoursand contain your food.The other dishes aremine and contain myfood.

Please note: Placing a paw print inthe middle of my plateof food does not stakea claim for it becomingyour food and dish, nordo I find that aestheti-cally pleasing.


Jimbo


Uncle Andy broke wind on an elevator today. It was wrong on so many levels.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.

15 Pierce Street, AuburnAcross from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

SPECIAL PRICING FOR ALUMINUM

Automobile & Truck Batteries

Die Cast

Alloy Rims

#1 Steel Prepared/better grading/

better payout

Starters & Alternators

Catalytic Converters

Cell Phone Scrap

Computer Towers Stainless Electronic Scrap

Mother Boards • Cores

Computer Board ScrapsBrass • Alternators • Starters • Motors • Pumps

Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire

Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

Always paying

the best prices!

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler

Mon - Fri 8:00am - 4:30pm

BATTERIESBATTERIESBATTERIES

615-7057 or 795-8887

TIME TO

CA$H IN!

Rejected Rejection

Submitted by Jimbo

Dear Ms. Ezell:Thank you for your let-ter of July 17. Aftercareful consideration Iregret to inform youthat I am unable to ac-cept your refusal tooffer me employmentwith your firm. Thisyear I have been par-ticularly fortunate in re-ceiving an unusuallylarge number of rejec-tion letters. With such avaried and promisingfield of corporate can-didates it is impossiblefor me to accept all re-fusals for employment.

Despite your com-pany's outstandingqualifications and pre-vious experience in re-jecting applicants, I findthat your rejection doesnot meet with myneeds at this time.Therefore, I will initiateemployment with yourfirm immediately fol-lowing graduation.

I look forward to seeingyou then.

Best of luck in rejectingfuture candidates.

Sincerely, Marc Taylor

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201440

Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

I couldn't decide which of two physicians to see. It was a paradox.

“Doing business without advertising islike winking in the dark... You know what

you’re doing but nobody else does!”– Jay Conrad Levinson

Guerrilla Marketing

“Doing business without advertising islike winking in the dark... You know what

you’re doing but nobody else does!”– Jay Conrad Levinson

Guerrilla Marketing

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST207.783.7039 • UncleAndys.com

Central Maine’s

most popular

publication!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Let Uncle Andy’s Digest shed some light on your business

and next thing you know they’ll bedemanding a curtain call.

Let Uncle Andy’s Digest shed some light on your business

and next thing you know they’ll bedemanding a curtain call.


Annual Sea Bash!

Caught red-handed doinga selfie

Jesse &Stephanie (Roop)

St. Laurent

Kali Simpson &Shelby Rucker

We were undercover and backed

up security all night.Don’t tell mom.

The neighbor asked ifhe could use our lawn-mower, "of course", Isaid, "as long as youdon't take it out of ouryard".


Jimbo


Show me Miss Piggy's laundry and I'll show you a lot of hogwash.

If some people listened to themselves more often, they would talk a lot less.


Annual Sea Bash!

Security!!!Stalker alert!

"I can't believe it, " saidthe tourist. "I've beenhere an entire weekand it's done nothingbut rain. When do youhave summer here?"

"Well, that's hard tosay, " replied the local."Last year, it was on aWednesday."

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201442Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.

I’m abandoning my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.

Willow Tree Primitives

850 Main St. Lewiston • 754-8784 • Open 6 Days 10am - 5pm; Sundays 10am-4pm

willowtreeprimitiveshop.com

Lewiston’s Finest Primitive Shop

OPEN HOUSEFriday, Saturday & Sunday, September 5th - 7th

20% OFF in-stock items(excludes furniture)

Lunch for $3.99!Monday - Friday 11am - 3pm

551 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 777-1155 • Schemengees.com

Baked Haddock, Fried Haddock or Home-Made Chicken Tenders

Served with one side:Fresh Cut Fries, Homemade Grilled Potatoes lightly

seasoned with garlic & butter, Homemade Baked Beans,Slaw, Pickled Beets or Veggie of the Day.

Bar & Grille

Lunch, Dinner, Drink & Pool

ExerciseSubmitted by Thomas Hill

I feel like my body hasgotten totally out ofshape, so I got my doc-tor's permission to joina fitness club and startexercising.

I decided to take anaerobics class for sen-iors. I bent, twisted, gy-rated, jumped up anddown, and perspiredfor an hour. But, by thetime I got my leotardson, the class was over.

Job Interview

Submitted by Jimbo

The interviewer exam-ined the job applicationthen turned to theprospective employee.

"I see you have putASAP down for thedate you are availableto start, meaning assoon as possible, ofcourse. However, I seeyou've put AMAP downfor required salary. Idon't believe I've everseen that before, whatdoes it mean?"

The applicant replied,"As Much as Possible!"

Hall of fame pitcherJim Palmer won 268games in a 19 year ca-reer with the BaltimoreOrioles. He never gaveup a grand slam homerun.

Submitted by Richard Collins

How about you stop staring

and give me a push?


Jimbo


Indecision is the key to flexibility.

I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.


Annual Sea Bash!

Don Chabot

Let’s show ‘em how it’s

done...

Just doing what theT-shirt tells me...

Some of the hard working crew behind the scenes at the Sea Bash.

9 Places We Never

Remember to put

Sunscreen:

1. Ears

2. Scalp

3. Eyelids

4. Armpit Skin

5. Under straps

6. Tops of feet

7. Back of hands

8. Back of knees

9. Lips

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201444

When they say "instant credit" don't they actually mean "instant debt"?

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

All About U Salon41 Broad Street, Auburn

784-5407Enter to WIN our

Back to School Giveaway!

Save up to 38% onLiter Duos!

Many optionsavailable.

Linda & Ashalie

Back To School Savings!

$10 Kids Cuts orFree Cut & Style with

Any Color ServiceRedeem Today with Linda or Ashalie

Expires 8/31/14✃

Forget health food. I'm at the age where I need all the preservatives I can get.

Lisa & Tony Olmstead and Kristena & Jessie Moody


Annual Sea Bash!

Tim Rucker &Laurie OuelletteTim views the world in a

whole new light.

Brooke Mathieu

Is that a point and click camera,

Uncle Andy?

The ice luge was my favorite

event at the Sea Bash.


Jimbo


I work for a living, I don't live for working.

Some days I wish my mouth had a backspace key.

DOES YOUR BUSINESS HAVE TOP OF MIND AWARENESS?

Advertising choices are many. Marketing dollars are few.

Choose wisely!

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST:• Covers Lewiston & Auburn and 17 surrounding towns in Central Maine.

• Is distributed to nearly 1,000 locations: offices, malls, shopping centers, financial institutions, doctor & dentists offices, restaurants, convenience stores and more!

• Is also online. You can read our entire magazine in high definition and readers canhyperlink to your website right from our publication!

• Has a huge social media following. 21,000+ fans on its Facebook page. An addedbenefit to promote your business online.

• Will work with you one on one to create effective marketing campaigns.

• Has a 30 day shelf life. People pick up and hang onto our magazine all month.

• Has been part of this community since 1996. Bottom line, our formula works.

Contact us today!207-783-7039 • [email protected] • UncleAndysDigest.com

PlayingHouse

Submitted by Jimbo

A little girl and a littleboy were at daycareone day.

The girl approachedthe boy and said, "HeyBilly, want to playhouse?"

He said, "Sure! Whatdo you want me todo?"

Sally replied, "I wantyou to communicateyour feelings."

"Communicate my feel-ings?" said a bewil-dered Billy... "I have noidea what that means."

The little girl noddedand said, "Perfect. Youcan be the husband."

For the first 8 years ofhis life, Babe Ruthlived above his father'ssaloon in Baltimore.The location of thislong ago saloon hasrecently been found. Itwas located underwhat is now short cen-ter field at CamdenYards, home of theBaltimore Orioles.


Hosted by Community Credit Union

783-7039


Jimbo

August 201446Health nuts are going to feel real stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

Located in the building behind Dad’s PlaceHours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)

DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION

✃

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551

6¢on all 5¢ returns with this coupon.

(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)

UAD expires 8.31.14

Bottle Drives

Welcome!

Get more for yourreturns at Dad’s!

HOT?It sure is!

Dad’s Redemption

Texting101

John Volkernick, from the Androscoggin Bassmasters getting some assistance from future anglers, Abbie Pelletier, Xavier Duncan,Chase Hogan and Trent Sibley.

Out ’n About at the Battle of the Boats

Fishin’ is livin’!

The Breakfast Club Crew

Front row L to R: Natalie Green, Abbie Pelletier, Xavier, Bria & Brian Dun-

can. Middle row L to R: Andrew & Brianna Lunn, Laurie Pelletier,

Christina Carter & Janice Lare. Photo bomber: Betsy Sibley


Jimbo

August 2014 UncleAndys.com 47Love may not make the world go round, but it sure can make you dizzy.

I invented a substance that can eat through anything, but I can't find a place to store it.

CUSTOM UPHOLSTERY

For All Your Custom Upholstery Needs

782-3822Leo Beaudin

Convertible Tops • Boats • Motorcycle SeatsTonneau Covers & Headliners • RV’s & More!

300 Cressey Road, Monmouth

Just past Reggie’s Kawasaki,before Highmoor Farm

TrickerySubmitted by Thomas Hill

Three men were allvery bad. The all diedand went to hell for thesins they had commit-ted. The devil toldthem, "if you can trickme, I'll set you free tohave another chance inthe world."

The first man hid be-hind a huge puff ofsmoke. He said, "Devil,find me!" The devilquickly found him andsent the man to hell.

The second man laidunder a wall of fire andsaid, "Devil find me!"The devil found himand did the same.

The third man askedfor a bucket. He pokeda bunch of holes in itand sat down. Then,he farted. He said,"Devil, which hole did itcome out of?"

The devil pointed toone of the holes on thebucket.

The third guy stood upand pointed to his butt,and said, "No, thisone."

Study Results

A new study has foundthat women who carrya little extra weight livelonger than the menwho mention it.

Dave Turcotte & Frank Walshenjoying the ring ceremony at Fenway Parkfor the Red Sox opening day game in April.Each player was presented their World Seriesring as 2013 World Champions.

I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.

2013 was an amazing run. Attending game 6 of the World Series to see the Red Sox clinch the series

was nothing but A W E S O M E !

The BoSoxhave a rich history and I love historic

factoids.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter.

I know I'm getting old... last year my insurance company sent me half a calendar.

Japanese Cuisine40 East Ave., Lewiston

795-6888www.sea40me.com

20% OFF Your entréewhen you present your student or faculty ID

Sea40 Japanese Cuisine

Thursday, Sept. 18th5pm-close

JOIN US!

COLLEGE NIGHTWelcome Back Party!!

Valid on College Night Only9/18/14 5pm-close

Live Music 7:00 - 10:00pmLive Music 7:00 - 10:00pm


Annual Sea Bash!The boys of SKÖSH


Jimbo


My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone! – Uncle Andy

I've just joined a reggae band, playing the triangle, I stand at the back and ting.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.

PROTECTING YOU:Is What We Do.

commercial home auto recreational umbrella life health

232 Center St., Auburn

786-0417Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm VarneyAgency.com

Kerrie RobbinsCommercial Insurance Specialist

It’s my BIRTHDAY!!!


Annual Sea Bash!

Thomas Hill

I wish it was my birthday!

Someone once toldDizzy Dean that hebragged a lot. It ain't bragging if it'strue, Dizzy replied.


783-7039


Jimbo

August 201450

Hipsters never burn their tongue, because they won't touch anything that aint cool.

I'm not a fan of currant jelly, I prefer the Old School kind.

Bruce BickfordState Representative

& Carolyn TredwellYMCA

Donna Giroux,Marcel Chasse

& Brenda Pelletier

No autographsplease!



Earl & Angie St.Hilaire

Owners of Blue Goose & Luiggi’s


Jimbo


If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

There's a vicious new computer virus being spread through Twitter,apparently it's untweetable!

Make something idiot proof and soon enough along will come a better idiot.

NEW CLIENTS$5.00 Off Cut

$10.00 Off ChemicalCuts • Colors • Nails • HighlightsWaxing • Hair Extensions • Perms

Nova Lash Eyelash Extension

Find us on facebook

A Full Service Salon

Exp

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8.31

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Tammy Amy Linda Angie Desireé Michael

WE OFFER

1117 Center St., Auburn (behind Met Life) • 784-3522

FMI or Sponsorship Opportunities: Patti Ellery 795-4085 x2202 or

Cathy McDonald 212-822738 Minot Ave. P.O. Box 1267 Auburn, ME 04211-1267

www.pathwaysmaine.com

Monday, August 25th, 2014Martindale Country Club

527 Beech Hill Rd. Auburn, MEPrizes (including $5,000 hole-in-one) and Raffles

Scramble (best ball rules) • Lunch • Appetizers • Cash Bar

1st Annual Pathways Inc.GOLF TOURNAMENT

The ViewSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Two men, both seri-ously ill, occupied thesame hospital room.One man was allowedto sit up in his bed foran hour a day to drainthe fluids from hislungs. His bed wasnext to the room's onlywindow. The other manhad to spend all histime flat on his back.

The men talked forhours on end. Theyspoke of their wivesand families, theirhomes, their jobs, theirinvolvement in the mili-tary service, wherethey had been on va-cation. And every after-noon when the man inthe bed next to the win-dow could sit up, hewould pass the time bydescribing to his room-mate all the things hecould see outside thewindow.

The man in the otherbed would live forthose one-hour periodswhere his world wouldbe broadened and en-livened by all the activ-ity and color of theoutside world. The win-dow overlooked a parkwith a lovely lake, theman had said. Ducksand swans played onthe water while chil-dren sailed their modelboats. Lovers walkedarm in arm amid flow-ers of every color ofthe rainbow. Grand oldtrees graced the land-scape, and a fine view


783-7039


Jimbo

August 201452

I took a blood test at the hospital today, this kleptomania's getting out of hand.

Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He's a boxer.

FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP1220 Center St., Auburn • 784-9249

www.firesidestoveshop.com

CASH FORCLUNKERS

Bring in any stove and get a voucher for up to $300 toward a new JØTUL gas or wood stove!

Limited time offer

Proudly partnering with

Jøtul for the

2014 Change Out Program


(continued on page 54)

of the city skyline couldbe seen in the dis-tance. As the man bythe window describedall this in exquisite de-tail, the man on theother side of the roomwould close his eyesand imagine the pictur-esque scene.

One warm afternoonthe man by the windowdescribed a paradepassing by. Althoughthe other man couldnot hear the band, hecould see it in hismind's eye as the gen-tleman by the windowportrayed it with beauti-fully descriptive words.

One morning, the daynurse arrived to bringwater for their bathsonly to find the lifelessbody of the man by thewindow, who had diedpeacefully in his sleep.She was saddenedand called the hospitalattendant to take thebody away.

As soon as it seemedappropriate, the manasked if he could bemoved next to the win-dow. The nurse washappy to make theswitch and after mak-ing sure he was com-fortable, she left himalone.

Slowly, painfully, hepropped himself up onone elbow to take hisfirst look at the realworld outside.

He strained to slowly


783-7039


Jimbo

August 201454

If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?

While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, but he appeared out of nowhere!

111 Woodman Hill Road, Minotwww.gadowning.com

PLANNING A BACKYARD WEDDING?Ask about our

signature models!

CALL FOR PRICING

G.A. DOWNINGG.A. DOWNING782.4508

or800.924.4500

ServiceRentalSales

QuickBooks Classes Offered

BookkeepingPlus

9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

Bookkeeping Services

Is a sleeping bull a bulldozer?

Kim Lisa

185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200Like us on Facebook

Call aheadfor yourpreferredtime!

Head Back to School with a SASSY NEW LOOK!Book with Debbie today!

All New clients receive:$10 Childrens Cut • $20 Student Cut

$20 OFF a Color & Cut Offer good thru 8.30.14

turn to look out the win-dow beside the bed. Itfaced a blank wall. Theman asked the nursewhat could have com-pelled his deceasedroommate who had de-scribed such wonderfulthings outside this win-dow.

The nurse respondedthat the man was blindand could not even seethe wall. She said, "Per-haps he just wanted toencourage you."

There is tremendoushappiness in makingothers happy, despiteour own situations.

(continued from page 52)

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.

Recyclingat itsbest!


Jimbo


LEGO Drum Kits. If you can't beat them, join them.

I had a steak at this restaurant last night that mooed at me... I thought, that's rare.

It's nuts this craze of cow tipping. What would they do with the cash anyway?

Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail

Partnering with Professionals

Showroom Hours: Mon. Tues. Wed. Fri. 8am 4:30pmOpen Thurs. until 6PM

APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDED

3 Middle Street, Lewistonshowroom.redlon-johnson.com

784-5721

Tim Fox Branch Manager 514-1104 • [email protected] Bolduc Showroom Manager 514-1137 • [email protected] Eccleston Showroom/Inside Sales 514-1136 • [email protected]

See Bill or Pat for expert service & advice on the latest designs & models.BrantfordTM High-ArcHands-Free Single-Handle Pulldown Faucet with MotionSense / 7185EOptional deckplate included

Stay coolmy friends.

Fast ThinkerSubmitted by Thomas Hill

An elderly farmer inFlorida had a largepond down by his fruitorchard. One eveninghe decided to go downto the pond and took afive gallon bucket topick some fruit.

As he neared the pond,he heard female voicesshouting and laughingwith glee. As he camecloser he saw a bunchof young womenskinny-dipping in thepond. He made thewomen aware of hispresence and they allwent to the deep end.One of the womenshouted to him, “We'renot coming out untilyou leave!”

The old man thoughtfor a second and said,“I didn't come downhere to watch youladies swim or to makeyou get out of the pondnaked.”

Holding the bucket uphe said, “I'm here tofeed the alligator!”

My friends girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?" He immediately popped the question.

WWW.UNCLEANDYSDIGEST.COM

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Visit us at our state of the art office at:730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pmFri. 8am-4pm

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit

with results that you will be proud to show off.

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com

Same Day Emergency CareWe are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

uad august 2014

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