uad december 2013

FREEDecember 2013.com

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

[email protected]

The Most Unusual Digest in America!

We are Your Local Home Mortgage Partner!

• Conventional • FHA • VA • MSHA • RD

Debbie Bodwell, Vice President

NMLS# 280336

181 Center St., Auburn • www.RMSmortgage.com • [email protected]

LOOKING TO PURCHASE?

This is not a commitment to lend. Availability dependent upon approved credit and documentation level, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation Headquartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. ME License No. SLM2537.

NMLS#1760.

777-1551

See us for... Fixed RateLoans

27 Millett Drive, Auburn

784-1577

TAYLOR BROOK

DENTAL ASSOCIATES

from all of us at

Wishing You Safe & Happy Holidays!Wishing You Safe & Happy Holidays!

Taylorbrookdental.com

145 Main Street, South Paris744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com

Jewelry to fall in love with

Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.

Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA

DECEMBER 2013Wednesday, Dec 4thGrid Iron 4pm – 7pm(Chapter 12749)1567 Lisbon St. Lewiston$7 Member; $8 Guest

Sunday, Dec 8thFlagship Cinema(Chapter 10589)Lewiston/Auburn$3 Member; $4 Guest

Wednesday, Dec 11thThe Green Ladle Culinary Arts(Chapter 12907)156 East Ave. Lewiston HighSchool$8 Member; $9 Guest

Wednesday, Dec 18thYianni’s House of Pizza11:30am – 1pm(Chapter 10929)155 Main St, So Paris$5 person

Thursday, Dec 19thLewiston Mandarin 11:30am - 1:30pm(Chapter 14437)Sabattus St, Lewiston$4.50 Member; $5.00 Guest

Saturday, Dec 21stKC Sacred Heart Bean Supper5pm(Chapter 14346)8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn$4 Member; $5 Guest

Monday, Dec 30thRoy’s 4pm – 7pm(Chapter 8609)Washington St, Auburn$3 Member; $4 Guest

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWEDPrices, Dates and Menu are subject tochange. If additional info is needed,please call our office, please do notcall restaurants. All activities can onlybe attended at the times listed.*************************Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked upthe week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.

783-7039

Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with

Jimbo

December 20134

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

Uncle Andy’s Digestis published by the first

Friday of every month byMaine Mountain Ocean

Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME.

It is distributed free through-out Central Maine and mailed

to subscribers all over theworld. Subscriptions are

$30/year. Send a $30 checkmade out to

Uncle Andy’s Digest to: P.O. Box 3363,

Auburn, ME 04212

Uncle Andy’s

DigestMAILING ADDRESS:

PO Box 3363

Auburn, ME 04212

E-MAIL: [email protected]

PHONE: 207 783-7039

FAX: 207 777-3898

www.UncleAndys.com

While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in ourclient’s advertisements and our publication ingeneral, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inac-curacies, product pricing errors, or omissions.

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!

AffordableDentures

Poorly fitting or broken dentures

repaired on-site, usually same-day

service!

Mike & JoeAdkins,licensed

denturists

801 Webster Street, Lewiston

514-0660

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances AcceptedWe also accept Credit & Debit Cards

Also see us for:• Full Dentures• Immediate Dentures• Rebases• Relines• Repairs

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES

SMILE AGAIN DENTURESFREE CONSULTATIONS

SmileAgainDentures.comOr email us at:

[email protected]

Staff

JIMBO

Racquetball Wars

UNCLE ANDY

Crossfit Skiing

MAGGIE

Quickbooks Pro

MARTY

Card Shark

TOM

The BIG 4-0!

PAM

Candle Burning

CRYSTAL

HORSE-ing Around

783-7039


Jimbo

December 20136

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Be naughty – save santa the trip.

Size Does Matter!

LAUNDROMAT • CLEANERS • COIN-OPSearch: Beal’s Laundromat & Cleaners

Mon.-Fri 7am-9pm • Sat. & Sun. 8am-9pm

80 LB. CAPACITY WASHERS!

LARGEST WASHERS IN L/A

Try our EZ Card• Convenient

• Purchase withdebit or creditcard

• No pockets fullof quarters

•Dry Cleaning •Shirt Service•Suede & Leather Cleaning

✃Redeemable for Dry Cleaning Services or Easy Card Credit expires 12.31.13

GET $1 BEAL’S BUCKS EVERY TIMEYOU USE OUR 80LB MEGA WASHER

Out ’n About at theLake City Exports10th Anniversary

Open House

Travis Mosley &Marcy Gilman

Amy Wagner5 County Credit Union

Tom & Sue Vickery

Dave Caine & Larrie McGuire

We had a great car buying experience

at Lake City!


Jimbo

December 2013 UncleAndys.com 7

"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one." — Bill Gates

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

How to Tell if

You're a Grinch

Submitted by Jimbo

• You reuse last year's

Christmas cards and

send them out under

your own name.

• You steal light bulbs

from you neighbor's out-

door display to replenish

your own supply.

• You have dressed a dog

or cat as Santa Claus,

elf helper, or reindeer. If

you dressed an endan-

gered species, that’s

even better!

• You put out last year's

stale candy canes for

children.

• You enclose a shoddy

and inferior gift from

Target, Walmart, or

K-Mart in an L.L. Bean

or other prestigious box

to impress your friends.

• You make collect long

distance phone calls to

your family on Christ-

mas day.

• At the office Christmas

party, you horde huge

stockpiles of goodies for

later consumption at

home.

• After an invitation to a

friend's house, you bring

a commercially pro-

duced fruitcake and try

to pass it off as home

made.

783-7039


Jimbo

December 20138

"Be slow in choosing a friend, slower in changing." — Benjamin Franklin

Better late than really late.

Don’t miss an issue!A great gift for yourself or a family member!

$30Mailed directly to the recipient

each and every month!

for the whole year(12 editions)

For More Information contact:

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTPO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212(207) 783-7039 • Email: [email protected]

• Marine Canvas (Boats/Yachts)

• Cushions (Boat/Home)

• Upholstery (Boat/Home/Auto)

• Metal Fabrication • Repair

41 Millett Drive • Auburn, Maine 04210

783-5600

Call about FREE Boat Storage for Winter Work

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without." — Confucius

Test FlightSubmitted by Jimbo

Santa Claus, like all pi-lots, gets regular visitsfrom the Federal Avia-tion Administration, andit was shortly beforeChristmas when theFAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santahad the elves wash thesled and bathe all thereindeer. Santa got hislogbook out and madesure all his paperworkwas in order.

The examiner walkedslowly around the sled.He checked the rein-deer harnesses, thelanding gear, andRudolph's nose. Hepainstakingly reviewedSanta's weight and bal-ance calculations forthe sled's enormouspayload.

Finally, they wereready for the check-ride. Santa got in, fas-tened his seatbelt andshoulder harness, andchecked the compass.Then the examinerhopped in carrying, toSanta's surprise, ashotgun.

"What's that for?"asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winkedand said, "I'm not sup-posed to tell you this,but you're gonna losean engine on takeoff."

Your Choice $10Only

or

(Breaded Mushrooms, Broccoli & Cheese, Jalapeno Poppers or Mozzarella Sticks)

(Ham, Pepperoni, Veggie or Salami)

DAD’S PLACE HAS GOT IT GOING ON! FREE

COFFEE FRIDAY!Free 20 oz. coffee with purchase of

Breakfast Sandwich every Friday.

There’s NO PLACE like...

Call Dianaor Larryfor moreinfo andpricing!

Dad’s Catering Division

Holiday Parties • Company Christmas Parties • Weddings

Call Ahead, we’ll have it

ready for you!

345-9009 www.dadsplace.info

Holiday Catering • Platters • Pick Up & GoHoliday Catering • Platters • Pick Up & Go

Dad’s Place23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info

Giant 1-topping pizza 2 Large Boghooters3 Large Italians 2 Small Appetizers

ororor

Merry Christmas from Dad’s Place!Get your Christmas Trees

& Wreaths from Dad’s

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201310

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace." — Buddha

"Better three hours too soon than a minute too late." — William Shakespeare

Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

Out ’n About at Divine Oasis’

Open House in Auburn

Doris & WayneEueretta

Shawna &Caleb Haley

Jennifer Peters

A little One on one in my

favorite book.


Jimbo


"Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried." — Mae West

"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men." — Kin Hubbard

GEORGIO’S740 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-2981Open daily 5am-9pm

www.mygeorgios.comLocally owned & operated

$10” Cheese Pizza

2 Add your own topping!

Reintroducing Georgio’s

Original Recipe Pizza Crust

Our famous original crust was created in 1957 when we opened. It wasa hit from day one! When the fresh dough craze started roughly 25years ago, we went to fresh dough and only had our original crust

available for our pizza packs. Starting in December you can get a 10”original crust pizza for only $2. (Not frozen, made here everyday with

no preservatives. Ready to cook in your oven.

(not frozen,

ready to cook

in your oven)

Home of the U.F.O.Fresh loaf of bread

Only $1.50

Thank You for a great year!

We look

forward to serving you in 2014!

Tanya

Scott

Kelsey

Rebecca Annette

Fred

Kathy

Corey

Toni

MichelleTammySharonRichard

Rick

Peg

Our ChristmasGift to You...

FREE Dessert tray

when you

spend $20

or more!A $4 value

Shauna Baker & Amy Irish

University Credit Union


Open House

Kenny Hamilton & Randy Mitchell

5 County Credit Union

Nicole Gammon

Abbey RamsayUniversity Credit Union

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201312

"Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice." — Henry Ford

"Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight." — Yogi Berra

WOW! Don’t spend $18 at thebeauty salon, get your...

Mens & Boys CUTS forAll day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.

$12Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts

Marcel’sBarber Shop

54 Mill Street, New Auburn

783-3444OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm;

Sat 7:30am - 2pm

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn

Brad’s Precision Auto

ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL... ANY PROBLEM...

• Appointments required• Fully warranteed & certified• $58/hr labor rate

NO PROBLEM!

333-0364 BRAD, PENNY, RYAN, & STEVE

A Parents NightBefore ChristmasSubmitted by Thomas Hill

'Twas the night beforeChristmas when allthrough the houseI searched for the tools tohand to my spouse.Instructions were studiedand we were inspired, inhopes we could manage"Some Assembly Re-quired."

The children were quiet(not asleep) in their beds,while Dad and I faced theevening with dread.

A kitchen, two bikes, Bar-bie's town house to boot!And, thanks to Grandpa, atrain with a toot!

We opened the boxes, myheart skipped a beat... Letno parts be missing orparts incomplete!

Too late for last-minutereturns or replacement; ifwe can't get it right, itgoes in the basement!

When what to my worry-ing eyes should appear,but 50 sheets of direc-tions, concise, but notclear.

With each part numberedand every slot named, Soif we failed, only we couldbe blamed.

More rapid than eaglesthe parts then fell out,All over the carpet theywere scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it!Attach it right there!Slide on the seats, and

(continued on next page)

RollodromeRollodromeWhere Good Skaters Meet

Since1954

Available for private parties

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940www.rollodrome.com

WINTER SCHEDULEThursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm

Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00

Sat. & Sun. - 1:30 - 4:00pm

Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm

Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm

Dec. 26th & Dec. 31st - 1:30 - 4:00pm


Jimbo


"I’ve been on a calendar, but never on time." — Marilyn Monroe

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'. – Bing Crosby

OIL CHANGE

Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles(Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)

$24.95

Mike Morin’s Auto Center

Mike Morin

autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon

1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433

Happy Holidays to Everyoneand Drive Safe!

LIKE us onFacebookReceive

$10.00 Discount!

FRONT END ALIGNMENTS $79.95

New AuburnSocial Club7 Second Street, Auburn

782-9039

Sunday, Dec. 15th – Children’s Christmas Party Light Snacks11am-1pm

United New Auburn Association hosting Santa Claus at Rolly’s Diner Dec. 14th

Saturday, Dec. 14thStarting at 4pm

N.A.S.C. Members Christmas PartySat. Dec. 21st • 3-9pm

Includes dinner & DJ Mike C.Happy Hour 5-7pm

Dancing 7pm -midnight

New Year’s Eve Party!Starts at 8pm Tickets available

$15 singles $20/per coupleIncludes breakfastwith DJ Mikey C

Santa arrives at 1pm

The Giving Christmas TreeDec 1-16th

(All Childrens names placed on tree)

I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember. – Uncle Andy

staple the stair! Hammerthe shelves, and nail tothe stand.""Honey," said hubby, "youjust glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, Iknew for a fact that all thetoy dealers had indeedmade a pact, to keep par-ents busy all ChristmasEve nightWith "assembly required"till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, butkept bent at our work, tillour eyes, they wentbleary; our fingers allhurt.

The coffee went cold andthe night, it wore thin, be-fore we attached the lastrod and last pin.

Then laying the toolsaway in the chest, we fellinto bed for a well-de-served rest.

I said to my husband justbefore I passed out, "Thiswill be the best Christ-mas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, letthe holiday ring, and nothave to run to the storefor a thing!

We did it! We did it! Thetoys are all set for the perfect, most perfect,Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland andsweet repose I gratefullywent, Though I supposethere's something to sayfor those self-deluded.

I'd forgotten that batteriesare never included!

(continued from previous page)

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201314

Heap on the wood! - the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still. - Sir Walter Scott

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree. – Roy L. Smith

Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.

22 Albiston Way, Auburn

784-57881-800-377-9433www.maineoxy.com

Ron Eugley

WELCOME TO THE TEAMMaine Oxy, New England’s leading supplier of industrial & specialty

gases, welding and safety supplies, is proud to welcome Ron Eugley to theteam. He will be part of the technical sales support team.

Ron brings over 40 years of industry experience with him into this position. Previously holding positions in outside sales in central & coastalMaine, in addition to inside sales and customer service including technicalsupport.

James Richards, retail store manager reflected on Ron’s character, “Ronbrings a vast knowledge of all aspects of our industry. Everyone is very ex-cited that Ron is joining the Maine Oxy technical customer support team.”

Ron is highly trained in all aspects of the industry including: Weld-ing Supplies & Industrial gases; certifications include American Welding Society (AWS), and has attended leading training schools including Miller & Lincoln. Welcome to the team, Ron!

Out ’n About onHalloween

You can find this Duck Dynasty fan,

Amy Desmarais, at Pipsqueaks

Childrens Boutique in Auburn

Julia Marks dressed as Piglet for

Halloween. She is 18 months old and

loves her mommy, Mallory Marks.

Out ’n About on Halloween

Adele Breau dressed up as Sister Adele for Hal-

loween. She is praying for her mom, Sharma Breau,

to submit the photo to Uncle Andy’s Digest.

Did You Know?The US Interstate roadsystem was designedso that one mile inevery five must bestraight. These straightsections are usable asairstrips in times of waror other emergencies.


Jimbo


If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it’s still a foolish thing.

"I’m not a genius. I’m just a tremendous bundle of experience." — R. Buckminster Fuller

Visit us at our newly renovated state of the art office at:730 Center StreetAuburn (Big Lots) Plaza

783-1351

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pmFri. 8am-4pm

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit

with results that you will be proud to show off.

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com

Same Day Emergency Care

Out ’n About at theMarch of DimesSignature Chef

Auction

Daphne & Alison Berta,

Library Café

Lauriane & BeckyLaliberte

Chef Austin Perreault

CMCC Culinary Arts Program

What a great event! Good food

from local restaurants,auction items and good

people.

Well said,Mom!

Yep, it is as good as it

looks!

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201316

If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.

Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas. – Peg Bracken

2012 ChevroletCruze 2LT

White, 1.4L 4cyl., Auto. 6 speed, 45k

our price

$13,995

2012 DodgeAvenger SE

Redline 2 coat Pearl,2.4L 4cyl, Auto., 37k

our price

$15,995

2013 Dodge DartSXT Rallye

Redline 2 coat Pearl,6 speed manual, 8k

our price

$18,995

2013 ChevroletEquinox

Black, 2.4L 4cyl.,Auto., AWD, 18k

our price

$27,9952009 Chevrolet

Traverse

Gray, 3.6L V6, Auto, FWD, 65k

our price

$15,995

2009 ToyotaCorolla

Gray, 1.8L 4cyl., Auto.,4 door, 97k

our price

$9,995

2009 HondaOdessey

3.5L V6, Auto.,FWD minivan, 73k

our price

$20,995

2012 Ford Focus

Blue Candy Metallic,2.0L 4cyl., Auto., 57k

our price

$13,995

Seasons Greetings fromWishing everyone a fantastic

Jen & JasonBoyd

Derek & Lindsey

Out ’n About atthe Heart of Hope

event

Just doing ourpart to support

the cause.

Love the Out ‘n Abouts!

Bill Gates' first busi-ness was Traff-O-Data,a company that cre-ated machines whichrecorded the number ofcars passing a givenpoint on a road.


Jimbo


A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

2010 HyundaiSonota SE V6

Red, 3.3L V6,Auto., 4 door, 43k

our price

$15,995

2012 Kia Soul

Tan, 1.6L 4cyl., Auto.,FWD Hatchback, 20k

our price

$12,9952011 Toyota

Camry LE

Red, 2.5L 4cyl.,Auto., FWD, 44k

our price

$15,595

2012 ToyotaCamry SE

Black, 3.5L V6, FWD,Auto, 17k

our price

$24,588

2010 Toyota Highlander SE

Blizzard Pearl, 3.5LV6, AWD, 53k

our price

$28,995

2010 Nissan Maxima

Black, 3.5L V6, CVT, 4 door, 27k

our price

$20,995

2013 ChevroletTahoe

Silver, 5.3L V8, 6 speed, 4WD, 10k

our price

$39,8882012 HyundaiVeloster HB

White, 1.6L 4cyl.,6-spd, eco-shift, 11k

our price

$17,995

m our family to yours!holiday & Happy New Year!


event

Mitch Sperry

Carlene Sperryfounder of the Heart of Hope

Chrissy Ames

Heart of Hope is a non-profit

supporting those battling breast

cancer.

Check us out atheartofhopecharity.com

Don’t mind me, I’m just honing my photo

bombing ability...

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201318

According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

183 Lisbon Street • Lisbon

353-9862qualitycareautorepair.com

Are Your Ducks in a Row for Winter Driving?If your answer was ‘NO’ use this coupon!

Winterize Special $34.95We Will: Test freeze protection of coolant & ph level, Inspect

condition of radiator, Inspect belts and hoses, Test heater output temperature, Inspect tires, Test battery and charging system,

Inspect lights, Inspect condition of wiper blades.

Tony D. & Tony G.

I can’t believe I’mdoing this!

Expires 12.31.13✃

Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.

Question AnsweredSubmitted by Jimbo

Many have asked,“What is the reason forthe angel on top of theChristmas tree?”

Once upon a timeSanta was rushed toget ready for Christ-mas. He had told Mrs.Claus to wake him at 5a.m. and to have hisbreakfast ready with alunch to bring along. Healso told the elves tohave all the Christmaspresents packed in thesleigh and the reindeerharnessed by 5:30.

At 5:30 the followingmorning Santa Clausawoke and jumped outof bed furious with Mrs.Claus for NOT wakinghim up on time! Santa’smood only got worsewhen he realized Mrs.Claus had NOT fixedbreakfast or lunch!!Santa then ran out tohis sleigh only to seethat the elves had NOpresents packed andthe reindeer were run-ning wild in the pasture!

About this time a littleangel walked by drag-ging a large Christmastree. Santa tried to ignore, since he wasn’this jolly old self.

But, the angel spoke upand said, "Santa whatshould I do with thisChristmas tree?"

And that is the reasonfor the angel on top ofthe Christmas tree.

Out ’n About at the Heart of Hope Event

One word to describe this event... FUN!


Jimbo

December 2013 UncleAndys.com 19I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.

Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem

I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.

87 Mill St. • New Auburn • 753-0171 • (for take-out)

Just good cookin’

and plenty of it!Rolly’s Diner

Merry Christmas!

from all

of us at

Love,Rolly,Ken &the wholecrew!

K.I.S.S.Submitted by Jimbo

At a dinner party, thespeaker who was theguest of honor wasabout to deliver hisspeech when his wife,who was sitting at theother end of the table,sent him a piece ofpaper with the word"KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next tothe speaker said, "Yourwife has sent you aKISS before you beginyour speech. She mustlove you very much."

The speaker replied,"You don't know mywife. The letters standfor "Keep It Short Stupid."

Text Auto-correct Gone Bad

Christmas: Which will give out first ...? Your money or your feet?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

I sometimes think, his only flair... is in his nostrils.

• Wheel alignment & balancing

• Complete brake work• Engine tune-up• Lube-oil-filter• State Inspections

FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983

60 Minot Ave • Auburn782-6666 or 783-2026

CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC.

A PROUD MEMBER OF THENAPA AUTO CARE TEAM

OUR TIRES

Rod Cameron & Ben Britton

Like father, like son


Jimbo


I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

WINTER IS FASTAPPROACHING

COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING

We are a professional collision repair and painting facility. All work is guaranteed! Free estimates.

Tasha Pelletier, Model

782-65151111 Center Street, Auburn

~ Next to Jim’s Auto Sales ~

AUTO BODY

Turkey Vacation

Submitted by Jimbo

My wife is never quitesure when to take aturkey out of the oven.But, her mother is avery practical teacher.She says the minutethe turkey looks like itspent four weeks atMiami Beach it's timeto take it out!

Plan AheadSubmitted by Thomas Hill

After Thanksgiving din-ner was finished, Mortsaw his little brotherSid in the backyard,poking holes in the dirtand filling them in withbirdseed.

"Why are you plantingbirdseed?" Mort asked.

"I'm growing nextyear's turkey," Sidreplied.

Ninth MonthSubmitted by Thomas Hill

November comes fromthe Latin word novemwhich means nine. Itwas originally the ninthmonth of the year inthe Roman calendarwhich began withMarch. When Januaryand February wereadded to the Romancalendar, Novemberbecame the eleventhmonth of the Gregoriancalendar. November isone of the four monthsthat has thirty days.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a…

KEEP IT LOCAL!Consider visiting our advertisers

for your holiday shopping.

Let ’em know you saw them in our magazine!

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201322

I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

The ancient Romans only gathered once a week, because that was enough forum.

To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles visit our website:

www.donovansauto.comStop by, call or click today!

946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856

Belinda Vallee & Jocelyn Vallee

Out ’n About at Village Inn’s Sock Hop event

Celebrating their 50th Anniversary

Illisa Vallee Cotton as Marilyn Monroe

Windy?Whatever gave you that idea?


Jimbo


My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.

For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500

www.GreatFallsfcu.com

*Restrictions & qualification apply

Call Dane,Michele or Ken

today!

Great FallsFederal Credit Union

It’s cold out there...come see us for your

winter fun loans!

Low Rates • Fast Approval • Great Terms

The Three SouthernWise MenSubmitted by Jimbo

I was travelling througha small Southern townwhen I spotted a "Nativity Scene" thatshowed great skill andtalent. One small fea-ture bothered methough. The three wisemen were wearing fire-men's helmets. I wastotally unable to comeup with a reason or ex-planation.

At a "Quik Stop" on theedge of town, I askedthe lady behind thecounter about the helmets. She explodedinto a rage, yelling atme, "You darn Yan-kees never do read theBible!" I assured herthat I did, but simplycouldn't recall anythingabout firemen in theBible.

She jerked her Biblefrom behind thecounter and ruffled thrusome pages, and finally jabbed her fin-ger at a passage.Sticking it in my faceshe said, "See, it saysright here,

'The three wise mencame from afar'."

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201324

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

301 Sawyer Rd. • Greene

Early Learning Center NEW HOURS! 6am - 6pm946-KIDS

Holiday Shopping NightThursday, December 5th • 6-9pm

Come join us for a fun night of shopping with local ven-dors, and let the kids enjoy arts & crafts and pictures with

Santa while you shop!Admission, pictures with Santa and

Arts & Crafts are all FREE!!A few of the vendors joining us (more being added daily):

Tacoma Slumpers • Scentsy • Lindt ChocolatePearl Essence Accessories • Pampered Chef • Origami Owl

Tastefully Simple • Thirty One • Longaberger • Local Crafters

Join us December 5th!301 Sawyer Road, Greene • Call Stepping Stones FMI 946-5437

Don’t miss our annual Toy Swap:

HOLIDAY TOY SWAP - December 11thDrop off your gently used toys and get new toys for under the tree!

Drop-off dates: Nov. 1st - Dec. 6th, between 6:00am and 6:00pm

FREE raffle drawings every 15 minutes that night!


Event

Kacie & Sherri

Marisa & Tano

Mike & ChrissyAmes

What a Turkey!

Using a new recipe,Uncle Andy put histurkey in aluminum foil.He had to roast it untilit was brown. Twenty-four hours later, thealuminum foil was stillsilver.


Jimbo


Uncle Andy broke his finger today, but on the other hand he was completely fine.

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. – Norman Vincent Peale

HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm • Sun 10am-8pm

Locally Owned & Operated

600 Turner Street • Auburn784-3434

heidisauburn.com

Let Heidi’s Take the Stress Out of Your Holidays

Our platters are a great crowd pleaser for your holiday get togethers!

Grab a bite while you’re out shopping and getsome GIFT CARDS for your favorite elves.

A gift that will put a smile on anyone’s face!

GIFT CARD

Open to the Public

by the pound, or half pound boxes

Tues, Wed, Thurs 9a-5p; Fri 9a-3p (By appointment only 12-1) Maine Made Needham’s

Cooked Fresh DailyCashewsMixed NutsAlmondsRedskinsSpanishBlanchPistachiosLindt TrufflesCandy Melts(white, dark, & milk chocolate)

Bob’s PeanutsFamily Owned & Operated

557 Lincoln Rd.Lewiston • 783-1731

www.BobsPeanuts.com

Great

HolidayIdeas!


Auction

Corey Dyke &Josh Ouellette

representing Jasmine Cafe

Crystal Rousseau& Tina Richard

Mariah Knight &Katie Berry

On December 23,1947, Bell TelephoneLaboratories in MurrayHill, N.J., held a secretdemonstration of thetransistor whichmarked the foundationof modern electronics.

Out ’n About with SPRQ Studio who did live workout demos at the grandopening of Sports Authority in Auburn withCrusher from the Maine Red Claws basketballteam.

Crusher was confident he could handle what-ever Kelli from SPRQ Studio could dish out.

12:10pm 12:13pm

Nothing to it... feeling

strong!

12:15pm

What the?!I can’t... do it... anymore...

Kelli is making me look bad. I’m outta

here!

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201326

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

Ah, the thrill of watching kicking, blocking, tackling, and running. But enough about Black Friday.

Buy more Scotch tape, wrapping paper, and Christmas cards than you think you'll need.

QuickBooks Classes Offered

BookkeepingPlus

9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124

Bookkeeping Services

GOT HEAT?? FREE winter Checkup With Ad

Buying Single Items or Entire Estates!386 Minot Avenue • Auburn

312-9139 • [email protected]

Quality Used Furnitureat affordable prices!

Past 2 Present Furniture

Fresh Produce

Open YearRound

966 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005Hours: 6am - 8pm

Christmas TreesWreaths & Kissing Balls

Christmas TreesWreaths & Kissing Balls

Blackie’s Farm

Unique TreasuresSee Us for Collectibles • Antiques • Vintage

Classy Elegance & Second Hand Treasures32 Riverside Dr. • Auburn • 998-5525

$14.9920 pc Buffalo Wings (Both available in Reg, BBQ or Hot)

Holiday Party Planning Specials

12-pc Boneless Chicken Tenders $13.50

Holiday Gift

Card Promo

Holiday Gift Card Promotion

Buy $50 Gift Card & receive an additional $5.00

GIFT CARD PROMO

12/2 to 12/24

Wishing everyone a Merry

Christmas!


Jimbo


Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love. – Hamilton Wright Mabie

I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.

www.soundeffectsmaine.com

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays

to Everyone!

777-3339 • 216 Center St., Auburn

Gift Certificates Available

Car Audio • Electronics Heated Seats • Blue Tooth

If you’ve been a good boy or girl this

year, Santa mightbring you a remote

starter!

Thank YOU for 10 great years of business!!

The Compliment

Submitted by Jimbo

Todd's wife bought anew line of expensivecosmetics guaranteedto make her look yearsyounger.

After a lengthy sittingbefore the mirror apply-ing the "miracle" prod-ucts, she asked,"Darling, honestly, whatage would you say Iam?"

Looking over her care-fully, Todd replied,"Judging from yourskin, twenty; your hair,eighteen; and your fig-ure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" shegushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!"Todd interrupted.

"I haven't added themup yet."

Awesome!

In 1986, Vietnam vet-eran Bob Wieland fi-nally crossed the finishline of the New YorkMarathon, just 4 days,2 hours, 48 minutes,and 17 seconds afterbeginning. His was theslowest time ever fora marathon. He wasalso the first person torun a marathon withoutlegs. Wieland has com-pleted six marathonson his hands. What anamazing inspiration!

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201328"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries." — Stephen King

Local Restaurants & Entertainment

Jimbo to Uncle Andy: I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

MEATBALLS MEATBALLS MEATBALLS

www.LuiggisPizzeria.com

Party Sized

Meatballs$5/dozen

Buy 3 Regular Size Meatballs

Get 1 FREE!

63 Sabattus Street, Lewiston 782-0701

It’s our gift to you!

Now Serving Beer & WineCheck out our Catering Menu online

StuffingSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Young Simon was sit-ting in his grand-mother's kitchen,watching her preparethe Christmas meal.

'What are you doing?'Simon enquired.

'Oh, I'm just stuffing theturkey,' his grand-mother replied.

'Wow, that's cool.'Simon remarked. 'Areyou going to hang itnext to the deer?'

FootballPractice

Submitted by Thomas Hill

"Dad," said LittleJohnny, "I'm late forfootball practice. Wouldyou please do myhomework for me?"

The father said irately,"Son, it just wouldn't beright."

"That's okay," repliedLittle Johnny, "but youcould at least give it atry, couldn't you?"

Santa ClausSubmitted by Jimbo

The 3 stages of man:

1) He believes in SantaClaus.

2) He doesn't believein Santa Claus.

3) He is Santa Claus!

The Dube’sDerek, Pat (Mim), Helen & Peter (parents)

Out ’n About at the Lake City Exports 10th Anniversary Open House

Congratulations to our son for all his hard

work and 10 successful years in business!

Mac’s Grill1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn

783-6885

Earlybird Special

$5 OFF✁Expires 12.31.13 UAD

macsgrill.com

any two entreesMonday-Friday • 2-4pm

L/A’s Best Steaks

Excellent new menu items including chicken, fish,

& pasta entreésCall us for your catering needs

Put Us on Your Christmas ListGet a FREE

$10 bonus card withevery $50 Gift Card

Purchase

Our expansion will be great when

it’s done!

Pardon our appearance

during construction.

Thank you for yourpatience during our

renovations.

Come check out ournew addition in the

New Year!

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201330How come wrong numbers are never busy?


"I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me." — Warren Buffett

120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com

VOTED #1: Best Sports Pub & Best Burgers in L/A area!

HOURS: Sun–Thurs 11:00am – 11:00pm • Fri & Sat 11:00am – Midnight

OPEN @ 4pm

ChristmasDay!

Full Menu

OPEN New Years

Eve No Reservations

required!

Showing everygame all seasonlong... in HD!Come watch your favorite team on our 13 plasma TVs!

Primary Location: 20 Main St, Sabattus (2nd floor) • www.SPRQStudio.com

SPRQtacular FUNdraisersPOLAND SPRQtacular DAY OF FAMILY FUN & FITNESS

held at the Poland Rec Dept. 1231 Maine St., Poland

December 15th • 2:00-6:30pm

ZUMBA • ZUMBA Toning • ZUMBA Gold

Cardio Kickboxing • Circuit Training • BOKWA

ALONG with Silent Auction & Potluck Luncheon

Cost is $20 Master Class Demonstrations

& $5 Add’l for PotLuck Dinner – Grab N’ Go Plates Optional

SPRQ Ugly Sweater FundraiserFriday, December 27th from 5-11PM

at SPRQ SabattusLIVE Bluegrass JAM • PotLuck Dinner, BYOB

Dancing & Trivia • ALONG with Silent Auction!

Cost is $20 at door & $5 Add’l for PotLuck Dinner

– Grab N’ Go Plates Optional!

Carters X-Country Skiing, OxfordCost: $30 Adult; $25 Kiddos!Includes RENTALS

Save $10/person if own equipment

TUESDAY 6:30PM & SUNDAY AFTERNOON

SPECIFIC Dates will be listed on our website

Out ’n About withthe Portland

Piratesat the Coliseé for some

on ice fun

Human puck obstaclecourse

What the puck?

High 4!


Jimbo


Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.

Lunches starting at

$3.99

Weddings & Private PartiesUp to 200 people•Call for details

Football Games$8/pitchers

Bud Light, Coors Light & PBRWing Specials

15% OFF your bill during anyhome Pirates Hockey Game!

Bring your ticket in before or after the game and receive 15% OFF!

Firehouse Grille • 47 Broad Street, New Auburn376-4959 • thefirehousegrille.biz

Home of the

Engine Co.

burger

Buy Your Holiday Gift Card$30 Gift Certificates for Only $25

Every Mon. Night $6.99 Burger Special w/ 2 sides


Piratesat the Coliseé for some

on ice fun

Dodge Ball

Where’s Patches O'Houlihan

when you need him?

Question:How many politiciansdoes it take to changea lightbulb?Answer:Two. One to change it,and another one tochange it back again.

Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.

Out ’n About at the Tardif Family Reunion

Pat Levasseur, Gerry & Pauline Tardif

I could use a trim... I think I’ll go check out

that new place, Allure HairStudio. I happen to know

one of the owners.

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201332"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." — Goethe


Attitude determines your altitude.

128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 345-7040

Try us fordinner!

Eat-In or Take-OutGreat Menu

Christmas WishesCan Come True!

Come to Shooters, pick a tag off the Christmas Treethen bring in the gift listed on the tag.

You get a 25¢ drink!Help support

local families

in need!

FREE Delivery

within 10 miles!

Text Auto-correct Gone Bad

Three WiseWomen

(as opposed to ThreeWise Men)

Do you know whatwould have happenedif there had been ThreeWise Women insteadof Three Wise Men?

The WOMEN wouldhave:a) Asked for directions,b) Arrived on time,c) Helped deliver thebaby,d) Cleaned the stable,e) Made a casserole,andf) Brought practicalgifts (like diapers!)

Good Manners

Submitted by Jimbo

"Grandpa, I'm reallyproud of you," said themodish young lady.

"What's to be proudof?" asked the oldman.

The young lady replied,"I noticed that whenyou sneeze, you'velearned to put yourhand in front of yourmouth."

"Of course," explainedGrandpa.

"How else can I catchmy teeth?"


Jimbo


An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com

Village Inn Gift Certificatesmake great gifts & stocking stuffers!

Holiday Parties? Let us do the work!

• Various Rooms Available

including Captain Don’s Loft

• Small, medium & large groups

welcome

• Buffet Style, Custom menus

& Appetizer options available

• Call NOW!

1967 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston • 786-2598 • [email protected]

Thurs. - Fri. 9a - 6p Sat. 9a -2p

Discount Home Improvement Store

• Donations always accepted (& tax deductible)• All Profits Support Our Ongoing Mission to eliminate

substandard housing in Androscoggin & Oxford counties• Sponsorship Opportunities Available for your business• Pick up - Drop off

Call us to learn more!The

Store

Bald guys never have a bad hair day. AlwaysThinking


A lady lost her hand-bag in the bustle ofChristmas shopping. Itwas found by UncleAndy and returned toher.

Looking in her purse,she commented,"Hmmm.... That'sfunny. When I lost mybag there was a $50bill in it. Now there arefifty $1 bills."

Uncle Andy quicklyreplied, "That's right,lady. The last time Ifound a lady's purse,she didn't have anychange for a reward."

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201334"Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait." — Stanislaw Lec

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

“Doing business without advertising islike winking in the dark... You know what

you’re doing but nobody else does!”– Jay Conrad Levinson

Guerrilla Marketing

“Doing business without advertising islike winking in the dark... You know what

you’re doing but nobody else does!”– Jay Conrad Levinson

Guerrilla Marketing

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST207.783.7039 • UncleAndys.com

Central Maine’s

most popular

publication!

Social media at it’s best!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Let Uncle Andy’s Digest

shed some light on your businessand next thing you know they’ll be

demanding a curtain call.

Let Uncle Andy’s Digest

shed some light on your businessand next thing you know they’ll be

demanding a curtain call.

Ella Yateswith Salty Pete at a

Portland Pirates game

Matt & Ella Yatesat a Portland Pirates

hockey game


Pirates

A chef’s hat is shapedthe way it is for a rea-son: its shape allowsair to circulate aroundthe scalp, keeping thehead cool in a hotkitchen.

President WilliamMcKinley was shot onSeptember 6, 1901while attending theBuffalo Pan-AmericanExposition in NewYork. He passed awayeight days later onSeptember 14, 1901.


Jimbo


Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.

Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.

5 Pigeon Hill Road (Route 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577

Finish a full-size omelette and have your picture put on our wall of fame!

Wall of Fame Inductee!Family-style restaurant serving

breakfast & lunch every day!

WE’RE BETTINGWe’re right on the way to the casino, stop in for a bite.

�Home of the Double Yolker�

Egg-ceptional Restaurant

You’ll LOVE our food!

Casey Blierof Norway

Now THAT hit the spot!

86 Court St., Auburn777-3579

Jamie Pelletier, Manager

jtreidsgunshop.com 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner

Call for the next N.R.A. Pistol Course

Full Line Gunsmith Service

We Buy, Sell, & TradeGift Certificates

10% Bonus (pay $100 ingift certificates receive $110)

Buying Small & Large Collections

J.T. REID’S GUNSJ.T. REID’S GUNSSPECIAL ORDERS ARE OUR SPECIALTY

Kodak Moments

No seriously, put your clothes

back on!

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201336


"Any fool can know. The point is to understand." — Albert Einstein

Family TreesSubmitted by Jimbo

A little girl asked hermother, "How did thehuman race appear?'The mother answered,'God made Adam andEve and they had chil-dren and so was allmankind made."

Two days later the girlasked her father thesame question. The fa-ther answered, "Manyyears ago there weremonkeys from whichthe human raceevolved."

The confused girl re-turned to her motherand said, "Mom, how isit possible that you toldme the human racewas created by God,and Dad said they de-veloped from mon-keys?"

The mother answered,"Well, dear, it is verysimple. I told you aboutmy side of the familyand your father toldyou about his."

ChristmasStockings

T'was the night beforeChristmas and allthrough the house,Not a creature was stir-ring, not even amouse.The stockings werehung by the chimneywith care.They'd been worn allweek and needed theair.


Jimbo

December 2013 UncleAndys.com 37UNCLEANDYS.COM

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." — Plato

A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.

New Salon Opensin Lewiston

Lisa Olmstead,is co-owner of Allure Hair & NailStudio. Allure is located at 185Webster Street in Lewiston.

Lisa has been a stylist forover 13 years. She graduatedfrom Pierre’s (now called Em-pire Beauty School) in 2000.Lisa’s education has continuedthroughout her career and she iscertified in Matrix, Logics andPaul Mitchell certified.

Olmstead, lovingly called“Lo” by her friends, also offersmanicures, pedicures and willeven travel to do hair for wed-dings.

Lisa shared, “I enjoy everyaspect of this business and lookforward to making your experi-ence wonderful. You’ll leave oursalon with a great look and feelbetter because you laughed andenjoyed the entire experience!”

Stop in to see Lisa at AllureHair & Nail Studio. She is willingto accommodate new and oldclients to fit their schedules. Youcan visit them at 185 WebsterStreet in Lewiston, Suite 17 orcall them at 783-0200. Checkout their website at AllureStudi-oLewiston.com.

See their ad on page 69.

Why WomenWould Love ToBe Santa Claus:

Juggling work and fam-ily would be a breezebecause your childrenwould adore you; evenyour teen-agers wouldwant to sit in your lap.

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201338A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.

A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.

84 Littlefield RoadAuburn

782-4917(off Hotel Road & across

from Merrow Road)

AMESSPORT SHOP

SHARE OUR PASSION

ALWAYS BE THE “FOLLOW ME” GUY

Willow Tree Primitives

850 Main Street, Lewiston

754-8784www.willowtreeprimitiveshop.com

Open 7 Days a Week 10am - 5pm

Call or stop in today for a FREE quote!

Check out our new website:

www.CummingsAgency.com

Your One Stop Shop For All Your Insurance Needs

9 South Main St, Mechanic Falls

(207) 345-8711 or 1-800-339-0414Jeff & Nora Cummings

Diane Morissette • Joline Waite

Out ’n About at theFeztival of Trees

at the Kora Shrine Templein Lewiston

Lisa ClarkPortland Firefighters

Gabby PetruccelliPortland Firefighters

Naomi Pray &Sherry Spencer

Tambrands


Jimbo

December 2013 UncleAndys.com 39A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Biology grows on you.

845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn

782-5500782-5500 Towing Discountswith shop repairs

Winter is coming, get your vehicle ready!

Auto Repair • Brakes • Engines • Suspension & More

Body Work • Collision Repairs • Complete Re-sprays • Custom Paint& More!

Call for your appointment...

MONDAY: Two eggs, Sausage, Homefries, Toast .........$4.25

TUESDAY: Two eggs, Cornbeef Hash, Toast.................$4.25

WEDNESDAY: Three Blueberry Pancakes ...................$4.25

THURSDAY: French Toast.............................................$4.25

FRIDAY: Two Item Omelette .........................................$4.25

SATURDAY: Two Golden pancakes w/Sausage ............$4.25

SUNDAY: French Crepes...............................................$4.25

Prices do not include tax.Mon-Fri 5 am to 8 pm • Sat & Sun 6 am to 8 pm

Phone Orders Are Welcome

UNBEATABLE BREAKFAST SPECIALSAll breakfast specials include coffee

Daily Breakfast Specials served until 11am

$1OFF

Any Purchase

of $600

or more1 coupon per order

Please, no reproduction of coupons

✁Expires 12.31.13

5 Washington Street, Auburn

783-4304

Fresh Steak Cut & Ground Daily!



Madeline Campbell& Thomas Hill

Bob HarrisKora Shrine Temple

Mike BolducKora Shrine Temple

This is a great time of year around

here!

Market Surveys of America, an independent survey company, is proud tBest Businesses for 2013 Survey. The above winners are the result of public b

Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s 19 th

Best Chinese Restaurant:

Chopsticks

#1 Jeweler in the area:

600 Center St.,Auburn • 784-6766

Best Auto Body Shop in the area:1524 Minot Ave.,Auburn • 784-6121

37 Park St., Lewiston • 783-6300

Best Dance Studio:Mary Jane’s School of Dance

461 Rte. 202, Greene • 946-7302

Best Nail Salon:

Best Pizza:95 Lincoln St.,Lewiston • 786-2020

LewistonHouse of Pizza

78 Lisbon Rd.,Lisbon • 353-4848

Best Landscape Company:

Best Pool & Spa Company:1975 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 783-0858

Best Sports Pub:

Best Insurance Agency:

150 East Ave., Lewiston • 783-2246Champoux Insurance

YOURVOTES AREIN

391 Main St., Lewiston • 784-5435

ORBIT HAIR

STYLING124 Ash St., Lewiston • 782-9046

Best Hair Salon:

Best CommunityBank/Credit Union:

Best Convenience Store:484 Center St., Auburn • 622-1609

Best Chiropractor:

336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1104Dr. Gerald Nadeau

Best Facial/Skin Care Salon:

Healthy BeautyWellness Spa 486 Sabattus St.,

Lewiston • 333-3235

19

18

16

14

Best Roofing Contractor:

99 Spring St.,Lewiston 784-1819

5

Best Breakfast Place:87 Mill Street Auburn

753-0171 6

13730 Auburn PlazaAuburn • 786-7411

12

11

8


7

6

5

5

5

4

LeGala Nail Salon

Rolly’s DINER

St. HilaireContractors


4

Best Burger:

to announce the winners of the 19th annual Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s ballots and internet voting for the Lewiston/Auburn small business community.

h Annual Best Businesses for 2013

Best CarWash: 1103 Lisbon St., Lewiston333-3655

Optometric AssociatesBest Eye Care Professionals:

Dr. Pauline Beale, Dr. Douglas Henry, Dr. Stephen Ebersole168 East Ave., Lewiston (784-3564)

Best Day Spa:71 East Ave., Lewiston783-3321www.cassiels.com

ORBIT HAIR

STYLING124 Ash St., Lewiston • 782-9046

Best HairColorist:

YOURVOTES AREIN

Paid for by Market Surveys of America

Vote online at: BESTOFSURVEYS.COM

Indicates number of years

as winner.

1

4

3

BestWait Staff:


3

Best MassageTherapy:650 Main St.,Lewiston • 212-3305

ANOTHER NEW DAY

2

1

Best Attorney:75 Park St.,Lewiston • 795-5000 2

Best Boutique:

866 Main St.,Lewiston • 754-3057

2

12 Highland Spring Rd., Lewiston • 783-2016

Best Acupuncturist: DianeFord2

101 Lisbon St., Lewiston • 407-2955

Best Automotive Service:

2

86 Main St., Auburn • 800-292-4965

Best Contract Security Company:

2

40 East Ave. #2 Lewiston • 795-6888

Best InternationalRestaurant:

1

675 Main St., Lewiston782-0831

Best Place To Buy Carpet/Flooring:

2

#

191 Lisbon St.,Lewiston • 333-3342

Best PictureFramers: 2

Jason Dionne

245 Center St.,Auburn • 376-4295

1

J&S Oil/Ultra Clean Car Wash

Japanese Cuisine

40 East Ave. #2 Lewiston • 795-6888

Best SushiRestaurant:

Japanese Cuisine

Best New Restaurant:

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201342

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.

960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store

Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!

Open7 Days a Week9 AM - 5 PM

Featuring

131Vendors

Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!

Open 7 days a week year-round for your shopping!

We honor:M/C, DEBIT, ATM, VISA, Am. Express & Discover

VISIT

“THE BOOK NOOK”

Collectibles • Coins • Glassware • Sports Cards • Furniture • BEANIE BABIES

Advertising Items • Jewelry • Cassettes • DVDs • CD’s • Videos • Antiques & Lots More!

Always

Buying

Regular Paperbacks$1/each

20% - 50% OFF

START YOURCHRISTMASSHOPPING

EARLY!

The Colonial Cupboard

Handmade Shaker FurnitureNext to the Undercover Flea Market

In-stock items finished & unfinished

Need a certain special piece?

We do custom orders and sizes;

quick turnaround, quality

craftsmanship, and reasonable prices.

Open Sat. & Sun. 9am - [email protected]

207-595-7774

Politically CorrectRudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Submitted by Jimbo

Original: Rudolph thered-nosed reindeer ...PC Version: Rudolfwas a four-hooved ungulate,

Original: Had a veryshiny nose ...PC Version: Who, incidentally, possesseda nasal appendage ofa maroon lustre.

Original: And if youever saw him ...PC Version: Conse-quently, if circum-stances were topresent themselvesthat he ever came intoyour view,

Original: You wouldeven say it glows ...PC Version: Youwould most undoubt-edly remark at to itsilluminary qualities.

Original: All of theother reindeer ...PC Version: The multitude of othermembers of the popu-lation in his ecologicalcommunity,

Original: Used tolaugh and call himnames ...PC Version: Had pre-viously teased, chuck-led boisterously, anddubbed him unspeak-able pseudonyms --the objective of whichwas to lower his self-esteem and make himmiserable.



Jimbo


An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

Always paying the best prices!(prices subject to market changes)

6 1 5 - 7 0 57 o r 7 9 5 - 8 8 8 7

B AT T E R Y & C O R E

15 Pierce Street, AuburnAcross from Maine Oxy. • Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.

Mon - Fri 7am - 7pm

Paying TOP prices for computer scraps!

Automobile & Truck BatteriesDie CastAlloy Rims#1 Steel Prepared/better grading/

better payoutStarters & Alternators

Catalytic ConvertersCell Phone ScrapComputer Towers Stainless Electronic ScrapMother Boards • CoresBrass • Alternators

Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler

We pay EXTRA for copper & brass from LARGEbusinesses with LARGE quantities!

Wishing Everyone Happy HolidaysAnd A Happy New Year! Thank You

For A Great Year. We Couldn’tHave Done It Without You!

Starters • Motors • PumpsComputer Board Scraps

Copper • Aluminum • Insulated Wire

Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

Original: They neverlet poor Rudolph join inany reindeer games ...PC Version: They alsoexcluded him from par-ticipation in leisureactivities consistentwith their species.

Original: Then onefoggy Christmas eve ...PC Version: However,on the twenty-fourth ofDecember in anunspecified year,

Original: Santa cameto say ...PC Version: A mytho-logical, supernaturalbeing inherent towestern culture (whosymbolizes the Christ-mas attitude andallegedly brings gifts tochildren) arrivedthrough the supersatu-rated, humid air.

Original: Rudolph,with your nose sobright ...PC Version: He formally invitedRudolph, due to his extraordinary nasalcharacteristic,

Original: Won't youguide my sleightonight?PC Version: To standat the forefront of hissnow vehicle withthe express purposethat he navigatethrough the nocturnalmist.

Original: Then all thereindeer loved him ...PC Version: At thatpoint, the multitude ofother members of the



783-7039


Jimbo

December 201344

A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.

The lifespan of a squirrel is about nine years.

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

jasminecafemaine.com

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Not to be combinedwith any other special

Merry Christmasfrom all of us to all of you!

population in his eco-logical community whohad previously teased,chuckled boisterously,and dubbed him un-speakable pseudo-nyms, reversed theirdisposition towardRudolph to a morecongenial, amicable relationship.

Original: And theyshouted out with glee...PC Version: They con-sequently exclaimedwith great exaltationand fervor,

Original: Rudolph thered-nosed reindeer ...PC Version: Rudolph,the antlered mammalwith a maroon nasalappendage,

Original: You'll godown in history!PC Version: You shallmost certainly berecorded in the annalsof time and your mem-ory will be preservedfor posterity!


Hungry Traveler


A hungry traveller

stops at a monastery

and is taken to the

kitchens. A brother is

frying chips.

“Are you the friar?” he

asks.

“No. I'm the chip

monk,” he replies.

Uncle Andy’s Digest...with

Jimbo


At a jet plane's speed of 620mph, the length of the plane becomes one atom shorter than its original length.

The porpoise is second to man as the most intelligent animal on the planet.

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 DadsPlace.info

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Located in the building behind Dad’s PlaceHours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Holidays)

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Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Holidays)

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MERRY CHRISTMAS FROMDAD’S PLACE

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROMDAD’S PLACE

✃Skunks can accurately spray their smelly fluid as far as ten feet.

Out ’n About at the March of Dimes Signature Chef Auction

Janelle Losciuto, Bethany Swanson & Catherine Tanous

Great job, Catherine, organizingthis event. It was a

huge success!

Like a BabySubmitted by Thomas Hill

Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement cen-ter were sitting on abench under a treewhen one turns to theother and says:

“Slim, I'm 83 years oldnow and I'm just full ofaches and pains. Iknow you're about myage. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel justlike a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a new-born baby?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth,and I think I just wetmy pants.”

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201346

Coca-Cola would be green if coloring weren’t added to it.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

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Sun RoomsGarages

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DAILY SPECIALS

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Sue Targett, Julie Darnell & Colleen Verrill12 years 19 years 26 years

Our 57 combined years of service to our customers here at Cole Farms speaks volumes, don’t you

think?

We Now Accept

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14 Beers on Tap!Full Bar!

Full Menu!



Laurie SidelingerInternational Paper

& Kristin FournierOpen Door Venture

Rose PelletierRose’s Cleaning

Mary LafontaineCareer Center

Just look at all the stuff I could be

cleaning right now...

Merry Christmas, everyone!


Jimbo

December 2013 UncleAndys.com 47UNCLEANDYS.COM

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

The first commercial Christmas card was produced and sold in London in 1843.

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

HARRIS BROTHERS

HARRISBROS.

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Wed.-Fri. 5:30-7:30 • Sat. 10-6Sun. 11-5

850 Lisbon St. • Lewiston

320-1165

RMJ Collections

Gift Certificates Available!

Don’t Stress in that Dress!Day of WeddingCoordinator Services Available!

FMI visit us at :RachelVerrillEvents.comor Call 740-1409

“Doing business without advertising is like winkingin the dark, you know what you’re doing but nobody

else does.” – Guerrilla Marketing

Join all the other smart businessowners you see in this magazine...

you’ll be glad you did!

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST783-7039 • [email protected]

A Diamond forChristmas

Submitted By Thomas Hill

Uncle Andy bought hiswife, Anna a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about thisextravagant gift, Jimbosaid, "I thought shewanted one of thosesporty four-wheel-drivevehicles."

"She did," Uncle Andyreplied. "But where was Igoing to find a fake Jeep?

Out ’n About at Village Inn’s Sock Hop event

Celebrating their 50th Anniversary

Shannon Wilson, Jocelyn Vallee & Theresa Hemond

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201348

In 1962, the first Christmas postage stamp was issued in the United States.

Approximately 30-35 million real (living) Christmas trees are sold each year in the U.S.

Certified Fisher Plow Dealer

HEAVY DUTY & EQUIPMENT ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE

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• Servicing all makes & models of heavy equipment & trucks

• Licensed Inspection Station

• Hydraulic Hoses made on-site

• Light Duty/Heavy Duty Trailers

We work on all equipment… not just ours!“Dependable, quality service at an affordable price!”

Keep all your equipment clean in our extra LARGE wash bay!

Give us a call. We’ll take care of your equipment like it was ours!

Denny Bly John Perron

Call us for your plow maintenance!

Don’t let

this be you this

winter!


Auction

Jenna-Rae BrownGritty’s

Chef Tony BernardGarden Grille & Bar

Mark Tanous &Kelly Langlois

Jon CunninghamGritty’s


Jimbo

December 2013 UncleAndys.com 49Oklahoma was the last U.S. state to declare Christmas a legal holiday, in 1907.

Oklahoma was the last U.S. state to declare Christmas a legal holiday, in 1907.

President Teddy Roosevelt, an environmentalist, banned Christmas trees from the White House in 1912.

Back & Better Than EverWelcoming All Previous Clients & New Clients

Paul Mitchell Focus Salon954 Lisbon St. • Lewiston

Gift Certificates Available

Hiring Stylists & Nail Techs

Apply within

Cuts • Colors • Foils • Perms

• Licensed Barber

Manicures & Pedicures

Coming Soon! Carla Martin

MouthyMonks


At a monastery high inthe mountains, themonks have a rigidvow of silence. Only atChristmas, and only byone monk, and onlywith one sentence, isthe vow allowed to bebroken.

One Christmas,Brother Thomas is al-lowed to speak and hesays, "I like themashed potatoes wehave with the Christ-mas turkey!" and hesits down. Silence en-sues for 365 days.

The next Christmas,Brother Michael getshis turn, and he says "Ithink the mashed pota-toes are lumpy and Ihate them!"

Once again, silence for366 days (it's leapyear).

The following Christ-mas, Brother Paul risesand says, "I am fed upwith this constant bickering!"

“I wrapped my Christ-mas presents early thisyear, but I used thewrong paper. See, thepaper I used said'Happy Birthday' on it. Ididn't want to waste itso I just wrote 'Jesus'on it.”

– Demetri Martin

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201350

Christmas wasn’t declared an official holiday in the United States until June 26, 1870.

Christmas trees usually grow for about 15 years before they are sold.

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

Jim’s Rent It

1097 Center St., Auburn

• Car Rentals• Pickup Truck Rentals• Convertibles

Lowest priced car rental in the area!

• Passenger Vans with 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity

Car accidents, no problem!We offer insurance-paid car rentals

Call 784-5438 for details

Do not neglectyour Septic System

For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.

Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities

ServiceRentalSales

We carry risers, covers,baffle replacements, septic additives.

CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT

G.A. DOWNINGCO., INC.

111 Woodman Hill RDMinot, ME 04258

207.782.4508800.924.4500

Out ’n About at Village Inn’s

Sock Hop eventCelebrating their 50th Anniversary

The DJ cranking thetunes from the 50’s

Mick & BelindaVallee

Wishing everyone a

Merry Christmas

& a Happy New Year!


Jimbo


It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!

"When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot......that way people visit more often.”

BACKGROUND CHECKSBACKGROUND CHECKSPre-Employment

Local, State, National and Federal Criminal Historyincludes:

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Other verification and Private Investigator services are available.

All searches are conducted and filtered by a licensed private investigator to meet FCRA regulations to reduce your liability.

Pre-adverse and adverse action letters and consumer copies provided at no extra charge to help you stay compliant with current FCRA regulations.

Volume pricing is available. Volume customers can be set up to run reports right from their own office for their convenience.

MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONS577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com

National Criminal History

including Sex Offender all states ................................$18.99

SSN Address Verification.................................................2.75

Employment Credit report ...............................................9.00

Tenant Credit Report w/ score ........................................9.00

State of Maine SBI check...............................................24.00

State of ME drivers license history .................................9.00

Personal and professional reference checks ..............$10.00

Education verification....................................................15.00

Prior Employment verification ......................................10.00

Professional License verifications.................................10.00

Single state Eviction check...............................7.00 per state

National Eviction Check ................................................11.00

State and National Criminal Historyincludes:

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search all states• Interpol / FBI most wanted

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Kim RobitailleRose’s Cleaning

Two HuntersSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Two hunters weredragging the deer theybagged back to theirtruck, when anotherhunter approachedpulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want totell you how to dosomething, but I cantell you that it's mucheasier if you drag thedeer in the other direc-tion. Then the antlerswon't dig into theground."

After the third hunterleft, the two decided totry it.

A little while later onehunter said to theother, "You know, thatguy was right. This is alot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're get-ting farther from thetruck," the other added.

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201352

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

“I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.” — Pablo Picasso

www.eastcoastsigndesign.com

Vehicle Wraps make Great

Christmas Gifts!

We specialize in vehiclewraps and lettering.

Ann’s Flowers14 Millett Drive, Auburn 782-3457

www.annsflower.com

Your Christmas Decorating Headquarters

Now offering Maine Gourmet Chocolate!

Scan this QR codeto order flowerson our website!

Matt & Lillian Zidle,WMTW, Channel 8

Sarah Judd, Dede Libby, Jess Small & Tarah Judd

Early BirdSubmitted by Thomas Hill

It was Christmas andthe judge was in a merrymood as he asked theprisoner, "What are youcharged with?"

"Doing my Christmasshopping early", repliedthe defendant.

"That's no offense", saidthe judge. "How earlywere you doing thisshopping?"

"Before the storeopened."

Interesting Christmas Facts:

Although many believethat the Friday afterThanksgiving is thebusiest shopping day ofthe year, it is not. It isthe fifth to tenth busiestday. The Friday andSaturday before Christmas are the twobusiest shopping daysof the year.

Out ’n About at theMarch of Dimes

Signature Chef Auction


Jimbo

December 2013 UncleAndys.com 53“When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.” — Sigmund Freud

“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Holiday Special

Voted Lewiston and Auburn’s #1 Salon,

ten years running byMarkets

Surveys of America

$240 of Spa Services

Sarah Jeanne’s77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston • www.sarahjeannes.com

795-6778

Family Hair Care, Day Spa Tuxedo & Limo Service

Express Manicure & Express PedicureHand Paraffin Treatment

60 Minute Tanning Package$50 Toward Color • Deep Conditioning

30 Min. Tub & SaunaMen’s Haircut or Woman’s Haircut

Bikini Wax or Back Wax • 25% off Products

Any service can be up-graded to a full service

This is a personal invitation for you to experience the finest fullservice Day Spa in the area. Personal service in a great relaxing

atmosphere is what each guest will find at Sarah Jeanne’s.

We would like to take this opportunity to invite you to sample afine selection of our exclusive services.

Relax and Indulge. Enjoy Life’s Finer Pleasures.

With purchase of this VIP Promotional Certificate, theholder will receive all of the following wonderful services:

$99.95ALLFOR

Christmas Open House at Sarah Jeanne’sJoin us Monday, December 9th, 5:00-8:00pm

Refreshments • Door Prizes • Raffles & MORE!

100% of Raffle Donations will benefit thePhilippine Disaster Relief Program Marge Maloy

Arlene Jones

Theresa Piscura

Denise Blanchette



783-7039


Jimbo

December 201354

"A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there’s no question about it." — George W. Bush

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.

Used Commercial Buildings for Sale

For more info. Call 207-515-1119

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cell: [email protected]

To My Friendsand Southern

BrethrenFROM THE DESK OF S. CLAUS

Submitted by Jimbo

I regret to inform youthat, effective immedi-ately, I will no longerserve the states ofGeorgia, Florida, Vir-ginia, North and SouthCarolina, Tennessee,Alabama, Mississippi,Texas, and Arkansason Christmas Eve.

Due to the over-whelming current pop-ulation of the earth, mycontract was renegoti-ated by North Ameri-can Fairies and ElvesLocal 209. As part ofthe new and bettercontract I also getlonger breaks for milkand cookies so keepthat in mind. However,I'm certain that yourchildren will be in goodhands with your localreplacement, who hap-pens to be my thirdcousin, Bubba JoeClaus. His side of thefamily is from theSouth Pole. He sharesmy goal of deliveringtoys to all the goodboys and girls; how-ever, there are a fewdifferences betweenus:

1. There is no dangerof the Grinch stealingyour presents fromBubba Joe Claus be-cause he has a gunrack on his sleigh anda bumper sticker thatreads, "These toys in-sured by Smith andWesson".


Happy Go Lucky vs. I don’t give a damn


Jimbo


“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” — Salvador Dali

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

You want the best for your family, and with Muralo BreatheSafe™ you get just that. BreatheSafe™ is virtually odorless andfree of VOC’s, while still keepingthe high performance propertiesyou’ve come to expect from aMuralo product.

BREATHE SAFETM INTERIOR ZERO VOC FINISH FROM MURALO.

www.lewistonpaint.com

Most OffersComewith aHook

This isOurs.

23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333

Along with the best selection of frames and mats for all your prints, pictures or keepsakes.

Get Framed For The Holidays!CUSTOM FRAMING FOR: Prints, Pictures, Needlework,

Diplomas, Sports MemorabiliaGift Certificates

Available

DanWilliams,

owner

Our Affordable, Everyday Pricing

8x10.........................$2016x20.......................$3020x24.......................$4024x36.......................$50Silver, Gold or Black metal frames only.

299-053481 Main St., Suite 104 • AuburnMariah White, LMT

Book your appointment today!Facebook.com/mariahsmassagetherapy

’Tis the Season for Giving AtMariah's Massage Therapy

$40 for a one hour session or $75 Hot Stone Session (90 minute session).

When you book your massage you get to take a gift from our giv-ing tree which contains 10%, 20% or 30% off your next mas-sage. If a couple buys one, they get one free offer and there areeven a couple FREE Massages in there. Come melt away thestress and get a gift at the same time.

2. Instead of milk andcookies, Bubba JoeClaus prefers that chil-dren leave an RC Colaand pork rinds (or amoon pie) on the fire-place. And Bubba JoeClaus doesn't smoke apipe. He dips a littlesnuff though, so pleasehave an empty spit canhandy.

3. Bubba Joe Claus'sleigh is pulled byfloppy-eared, flyin'coon dogs instead ofreindeer. I made themistake of loaning hima couple of my rein-deer one time, andBlitzen's head nowoverlooks Bubba JoeClaus' fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "OnComet, on Cupid, onDonner and Blitzen"when Bubba Joe Clausarrives. Instead, you'llhear, "On Earnhardt,Andretti, on Elliott andPetty.

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" hasbeen replaced by "YeeHaw!" You also arelikely to hear BubbaJoe Claus' elves re-spond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required bySouthern highwaylaws, Bubba Joe Claus'sleigh does have aYosemite Sam safetytriangle on the backwith the words, "BackOff".

7. The usual Christmasmovie classics such as‘Miracle on 34th Street’and ‘It's a Wonderful



783-7039


Jimbo

December 201356

Gravity always gets me down.

Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

596 Main St.,Oxford

539-8811maine-lyaction.com

Life’ will not be shownin your negotiatedviewing area. Instead,you'll see ‘Boss HoggSaves Christmas’ and‘Smokey and the Ban-dit IV’ featuring BurtReynolds as BubbaJoe Claus and dozensof state patrol carscrashing into eachother.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Joe Clausdoesn't wear a belt. If Iwere you, I'd makesure your wife and kidsturn the other waywhen he bends over toput presents under thetree.

Sincerely yours,Santa Claus




Bob Grindle

They’ve got some mighty greatitems at this great

little book store.


Jimbo


"How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time." — Fred Brooks

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.


Kim Galgovitch,is co-owner of Allure Hair & NailStudio. Allure is located at 185Webster Street in Lewiston.

Kim has extensive experienceand has been in the industry forover 16 years. She specializes inmulti-color foils, specialtyperms, precision haircuts, mani-cures, pedicures and offersacrylic nails.

Galgovitch states, “We prideourselves on outstanding cus-tomer service and would love toshow off our new salon to any-one who’d like to stop in. Comeexperience our spapedicure/manicures and find outhow relaxing they can be. Welook forward to seeing you!”

Kim enjoys her off timespending time with her familyand friends, especially at hercamp in Jackman.

Stop in to see Kim at AllureHair & Nail Studio. She is willingto accommodate new and oldclients to fit their schedules. Youcan visit them at 185 WebsterStreet in Lewiston, Suite 17 orcall them at 783-0200. Checkout their website at AllureStudi-oLewiston.com.

See their ad on page __.

“Our hearts grow ten-der with childhoodmemories and love ofkindred, and we arebetter throughout theyear for having, inspirit, become a childagain at Christmas-time.”

― Laura Ingalls Wilder

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201358"I know I’m paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?" — Tom Clancy

I have a strong will but a weak won’t.Out ’n About at Divine Oasis’


Myra Trask

Coleen Daskoski& Karen Gagne

Ray & BonitaMathieu

A great little shop with lots of

ideas for your Christ-mas shopping.


Jimbo

December 2013 UncleAndys.com 59The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth is called Arachibutyrophobia.

"I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out." — Bill Hicks

"Either you run the day or the day runs you." — Jim Rohn



Rose Falsaco

Susan Coliss

Priscilla Nason

A coffee shop, too. Sipping a nice hot

coffee while shopping, I love it!

Counseling ServicesAccepting New Clients

All Ages, families & Veterans Welcome

Andy Jarman, LCPC624-1132

1288 Roosevelt Trail • Ste 5B (back of building) • Raymond

Trauma counseling through EMDR & DBT

Take me to your leader.

The Meaning of Christmas

Submitted by Jimbo

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold inthe snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, howcould it be so? It came without ribbons. It camewithout tags. It came without packages, boxes

or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till hispuzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought ofsomething he hadn't before.What if Christmas, he thought,doesn't come from a store.What if Christmas, perhaps,means a little bit more.

– Dr. Seuss

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201360

I quote people to better express myself.

"I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow." — Woodrow Wilson

ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY

95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210

Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings

Bart Kelsea, President

(207) 784-6413

Huge Selection!

Save up to $3,000!(on any in-stock hot tub)

Accessories &Gift CertificatesAlso Available

1057 Sabattus Street, Lewiston

786-4256Monday-Friday 10-5 • Saturday 10-4

Treat yourselvesto a gift that you can enjoy all year long!

Visit our website:www.ricksswimmingpools.com



Elvis made aguest appearance

Greg Webster &Shannon Wilson

Love me tender,Love me true...

Here’s my Elvis!

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

Q: What is Santa’s fa-vorite American state?

A:Idaho-ho-ho!

In-Law LetterSubmitted by Jimbo

When the man came home, his wifewas crying.

"Your mother insulted me," shesobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that?She's on vacation on the other side ofthe world!" the man said.

"I know. But this morning a letter ad-dressed to you arrived. I opened it be-cause I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter she wrote:

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."


Jimbo


I'm not sure which pants to wear today - smarty or fancy?

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Assisted Home Care783-7375

For more information visit us at: 550 College St., LewistonWe cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta, Windham, Brunswick, Topsham,

Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.

• More privacy - you get personal care in your own home.• Convenience - continuity of care. • Comfort - being in your own home.• Shorter Recovery Time - people recoup better at home.• Nursing care by qualified caregivers.

Home Care Means...Assisted Home Care

GREAT PAY! GREAT WORKING CONDITIONS!

CNA’sWANTED NOW!

We are now opening a new contract in the Portland area and are looking forCNA’s to work the 2:30-11PM shift. Call 783-7375 for more info.



Kara Younk & Marilyn Munroe

Kayla Collins

Oh Danny, where for art

thou?

When one door closes,another one opens...

That’s when you real-ize that you’ve boughta really bad secondhand car.Todd & Karen Hunter Kim Galgovitch & Brianna Hunter Sonny & Sylvia Tardif

Out ’n About at the Tardif Family Reunion

A good looking bunch right here.

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201362

"If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary." — Jim Rohn

"He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty." — Lao Tzu

REMOTE STARTERS

Each starter comes with:• 1,000’ Range• Lifetime Guarantee• 2 Remotes• Expert Installation

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I LOVE SHIVERING IN A COLD CAR!#SaidNoOneEver

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Terry Cullenberg

Nancy Foss



InterestingChristmas

Facts:

A wreath with holly, redberries and other deco-rations began from atleast the 17th century.Holly, with its sharplypointed leaves, sym-bolized the thorns inChrist's crown-of-thorns. Red berriessymbolized the dropsof Christ's blood. Awreath at Christmassignified a home thatcelebrated the birth ofChrist.


Jimbo


Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.

Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.

Drive defensively – buy a tank.

392 Center Street, Auburn

786-0112HairByGregorys.com

Standing L to R: Jennifer, Linda,Kelly, Taylor &Kathy. Seated L to R: Terry, Nuria,Michael, Tina &Cori.

Pre-book or join our email list and get entered

into our drawing for a $100 gift basket

Merry Christmas from all of Us!

POOL BUILDERS OF MAINEQuality Workmanship, Outstanding Service

1525 Minot Ave, Auburn • 795-7222 • poolbuildersofmaine.com

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PoolsOrder Now & SAVE $1,000

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Super Sale

going on for

December!

We service

all makes & models

of Spas

Winner, winnerChicken Dinner

Well, not really; at least not achicken dinner. She did,however, win a $25 gas cardcourtesy of Dad’s Place inMechanic Falls! Mandy wona contest we ran on ourFacebook page to claim theprize. Great job, Mandy!

Mandy CoteWinner of a $25 gas card

Recently Banned

by Government:

MistletoeThe number of

unwanted pregnancies

resulting from the

placement of mistletoe

on the ceiling and over

doorways has never

been properly

calculated, but is surely

astronomical. Tongues

are a choking hazard.

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201364

"First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure." — Mark Twain

If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

Facelift Your Property

Tired of how your old deck looks?Need a new deck?

CALL THE DECK DOCTORS!Stephen Adamczyk, Deck Repair Expert

Call 713-9090 for your FREE estimate!

www.setwright.com

FIRESIDESTOVE SHOP

WOOD • COAL • GAS • PELLET

1220 Center St., Auburn784-9249

www.firesidestoveshop.com

Quiet, clean, elegant stoves. Several styles to choose from.


Pauline Guimond,is now at Allure Hair & Nail Stu-dio. Allure is located at 185Webster Street in Lewiston.

Pauline has been in the hairbusiness for many years andhas extensive training and expe-rience in coloring, foiling,perming and cutting for thewhole family. She really enjoysworking with men, women andchildren.

Guimond states, “I have beenfortunate to have worked at acouple of great salons in thearea but am very pleased to saythat I am now working for my-self. I’m in good company herewith Kim & Lisa and can’t waitto see old friends and make newones.”

Pauline, in her free time,spends time with her husbandenjoying the outdoors includingkayaking, hiking, camping andcross country skiing.

Stop in to see Pauline at Al-lure Hair & Nail Studio. She iswilling to accommodate newand old clients to fit their sched-ules. You can visit them at 185Webster Street in Lewiston,Suite 17 or call them at 783-0200. Check out their website atAllureStudioLewiston.com.

See their ad on page 69.

Mom AlwaysSaid...

Few things are more

satisfying than seeing

your own children have

teenagers of their own.

[email protected] • facebook.com/thedoggzinnhttp://thedoggzinn.googlepages.com

Est.2008

FUN, SAFE & SUPERVISED PLAY ENVIRONMENTWe have 6,000 sq. ft. of indoor heated comfortable play area. We are the only facility in thestate that offers everything for your pup, from daycare to grooming, transportation, dog foodand supplies all under one roof!

65 Washington St., Auburn • 333-3640

Chanceattending since Oct. 2013

Cocoaattending since Nov. 2013

Dukeattending since Oct. 2012

Maximusattending since Oct. 2013

Moxieattending since June 2008Roxie

attending since Oct. 2013

Dog Grooming, Daycare & Boutique

Happy Holidays to all our puppies

& their families this holiday season!

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201366

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. – Garrison Keillor

A goose never voted for an early Christmas. – Irish Saying

Pamper Your Loved Ones This Holiday Season

245 Center Street, Suite 7, Auburn777-3939 • ParadiseSalonSpa.com

DecemberSpecial

$10 OFFa $100.

Gift CardAvailable at our location,online or over the phone.

Happy Holidays from all of us!

Bring your warm clothing itemsthroughout the first half of De-cember to Great Falls FederalCredit Union. We will be accept-ing clothes on behalf of theCoats for Kids campaign inMaine. Coats for Kids is an out-standing program with the goalto keep all children in Mainewarm through the winter’s cold.Great Falls FCU invites you tocome into either its 34 BatesStreet in Lewiston branch, or760 Minot Avenue in Auburn andbring in any jackets, sweatshirtsor any articles of clothing youwish to donate.

Great Falls FCU is a CentralMaine based credit unionproudly serving its members ofAndroscoggin County. To learnmore about Great Falls FCU,visit www.greatfallsfcu.com.

"Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon." — Brandt Paul

LOCAL CREDIT UNION JOINS COATS FOR KIDS

Great Falls Credit Union is accepting coats for kids

Great Falls teammembers:

Brigitte, Danielle,Ken & Amie

Great Falls Federal Credit Union34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 • 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500

www.greatfallsfcu.com

Russian RainSubmitted by Jimbo

There once was a czar

in Russia whose name

was Rudolph the Red.

He was standing in his

house one day with his

wife. He looked out the

window and saw some-

thing happening. He

says to his wife, "Look

honey. It’s raining."

She, being the obsti-

nate type, responded,

"I don't think so, dear. I

think it’s snowing."

But Rudolph knew bet-

ter. So he says to his

wife, "Let's step out-

side and we'll find out."

Lo and behold, they

step outside and

discover it was in

fact rain.

So Rudolph turns to his

wife and replies," I

knew it was raining.

Rudolph the Red

knows rain, dear!"

I know some jokesabout unemploymentbut they need some

work.


Jimbo


"If you don’t want to slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today." — Bruce Lee

Black Friday should actually be called the The Hunger Games. People kill each other and the winner gets a $20 crock pot.

"If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?" — George Carlin

Winner!

Matt YatesWinner of a 4 pack of ticketsto a Portland Pirates game

courtesy of Uncle Andy’s Di-gest. Matt won a captioncontest on our Facebook

page.

ChristmasShepard

Submitted by Jimbo

One Christmas, Joeand Peter built a skating rink in themiddle of a field. Ashepherd leading hisflock decided to takea shortcut across therink. The sheep, how-ever, were afraid ofthe ice and wouldn'tcross it. Desperate,the shepherd begantugging them to theother side.

“Look at that,” re-marked Peter to Joe,“That guy is trying topull the wool over ourice!”

Debra, Chrissy, Steve & Michelle

Out ’n About at the Heart of Hope Event

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201368

"If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good." — Bill Gates

I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.

Audrey Suli 84 Court Pizza in Auburn,daughter of Enka & Ganti

Out ’n About

Nicole Writter& Enka

84 Court Pizza in Auburn

I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.

THINK

Use our advertisers firstTell ‘em Uncle Andy’s sent ya!


An artificial spider andweb are often includedin the decorations onUkrainian Christmastrees. A spider webfound on Christmasmorning is believed tobring good luck.

Nicole Vachon, Angela Spinney& Alexandra French

Out ’n About at Sheila’s Hair Ladies Nightin Mechanic Falls


Jimbo


"I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." — Kurt Cobain

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."— Peter Kaye

185 Webster St. Lewiston • 783-0200 Customer Service at its BEST!

Join Our Cause in the Donation Challenge!ALL OF DECEMBER:

$1 Donated from every service to your choice of 2 CharitiesUnderhound Railroad or Hope Haven Gospel Mission • Walk-in donations accepted

Pauline KimLisa

www.AllureStudioLewiston.com

Ashley PrebleManager of Webster Trading

in Auburn

Out ’n About

Mall TrainerSubmitted by Jimbo

While working as amall Santa, I had manychildren ask for electrictrains. "If you get atrain," I would tell eachone, "you know yourdad is going to want toplay with it too. Is thatokay?"

The usual answer wasa quick yes, but after Iasked one boy thisquestion, he becamevery quiet. Trying tomove the conversationalong, I asked whatelse he would likeSanta to bring him.

He promptly replied,"Another train.

"Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty." — Stanislaw J. Lec

Yeah, I’ll believe that when cats fly!

The DogSubmitted byThomas Hill

A man walkedinto a bar and satdown next to aman with a dogat his feet.

"Does your dogbite?" he asked."No." said theman.

A few minuteslater the dog tooka huge chunk outof the man's leg.

"I thought yousaid your dogdoesn't bite!" hesaid indignantly.

The other guyreplied, "That'snot my dog."

Fair Pay

An indigent client who hadbeen injured in an accidentwent looking for a lawyer torepresent him without cost.One lawyer told him that hewould take the case on contin-gency.

When the client asked what"contingency" was, the lawyerreplied, "If I don't win your law-suit, I don't get anything. If I dowin your lawsuit, you don't getanything.

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201370

"I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure." — Mae West

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." — Dalai Lama

A day in the life of

Rudy Langlierof R.L. Builders (rlbuildersinc.com), whorecently did some work at the office ofUncle Andy’s Digest. We caught him inthe act on a beautiful fall day in Auburn.

Skill saw #1

Skill saw #2

Cell phonecovered in sawdust

ProtectiveEyewear

Intimidator

Nails

Power cord

Square

R.L.BUILDERS

Jimbo

Approved!

A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

Kodak Moments

Tell me again how you got

this job?

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201372

"Common sense is not so common." — Voltaire

Alabama was the first state in the United States to officially recognize Christmas in 1836.

Is Your Website Friendly?“72% of consumers want Mobile-Friendly websites.” – Google Research

Websites that aren’t mobile-friendly annoy users and that’s bad business!

We offer...Mobile friendly websites

you can afford!

GET YOUR BUSINESS THEATTENTION IT DESERVES!Consumers are doing more businesson mobile devices, including shop-ping and product research. They aremore likely to buy online when thesite meets their mobile needs.

Call TODAY to get your mobile-friendlysite!UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST

UADwebsites.com • 783-7039

"Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy." — Dwight Eisenhower

Out ’n About atPast 2 Present

with Zoeyin Auburn

Don’t worry, I’m a trained professional.

Yes, we’re right on Minot Ave. acrossfrom Fairview School.

Dan Grayhas been with Lake City Exportssince the beginning. That was 10years ago as Lake City recentlycelebrated their 10th anniver-sary. The day of the Open HouseDan was presented the plaquehe holds in this photo.

The inscription says, “Thankyou for your 10 Years of dedication,service & commitment to Lake CityExports. We couldn’t have done itwithout you!”

Congratulations,Dan!

Congratulations to Dan Gray of Lake City Exports!

My neighbor just gotthe part for Scrooge ina local performance. I'dlove to go see him, butthat play scares theDickens out of me.


Jimbo


All the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas would equal 364 gifts.

“Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.” ― Janice Maeditere

Out ’n About atPast 2 Present

with Zoeyin Auburn

Can you believe they work me this

hard? Good thing they pay well.

And the perks are pretty

good, too.

I used to do balanceand rotations at an autoshop. I felt like I wasjust spinning my wheelsand decided to retire.

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201374

“Why did the turkey cross the road? Are you kidding? It's Christmas - he should run a mile.” - Stephen K Amos

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.

Top prices paid for gold, silver, diamonds, jewelry & coins!!

Family owned and operated •

In-house repairs •

Guaranteed lowest prices on new & estate jewelry •

Gift Certificates available •

Mon-Tue-Wed 9-5 • Thu-Fri 9-6 • Sat 9-5 • Sun 10-3

“Friends tellfriends about us!”

33 Center Street in AuburnGoldWorksME.com 782-7575

Kodak Moments

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201376

Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

On average, dogs have better eyesight than humans, although not as colorful.

www.stlauren

20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston784-7944

Commercial Plowing • SandAttention Landscapers

& Contractors!We sell bulk sand/salt and straight salt. Call us for your snow removal needs!


Oliver Cromwell, inEngland bannedChristmas Carols be-tween 1649 and 1660.Cromwell thought thatChristmas should be avery solemn day so hebanned carols and par-ties. The only celebra-tion was by a sermonand a prayer service.


Jimbo


“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” ― Charles Dickens

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

ntandson.comLocally owned and operated since 1970!

ding, Salting • Snow Removal

Fully Insured • EOE

Call us for a FREE Quote!

Ask about our Money SavingMulti-Year Contracts

A Redneck's

"Twelve Days of

Christmas"

Submitted by WEP

On the 12 days of

Christmas, my true

love gave to me

12 pack of Bud

11 rasslin' tickets

10 tins of Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 packs of Red Man

6 cans of Spam

5 flannel shirts

4 big mud tires

3 shotgun shells

2 huntin' dawgs

…and a muffler for a

Mustang GT.

783-7039


Jimbo

December 201378

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.

The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.

www.KitchenSolutionsMaine.com

995 Center St. AuburnNext to Appliance Warehouse and

Gamache & Lessard Window Decorators

784-3100Visit our brand new showroom

10x12 OAKKITCHEN WITHCOUNTERTOP

$1,999

KITCHENSolutionsDESIGN & SALES CENTER

Specials on Cabinets & Granite Countertops

StacyStacyBruceBruce

Give a Gift of a

Lifetime...

A New Kitchen

for Christmas!

WE HAVE PRICING FOR EVERYONE’S BUDGET!


Open House

Zach WilliamsRecon Man

Ryan Boies &Sarena Chickering

Ed, Sarah & Lilly Duguay

I’ll have this one ready

shortly and she’s a real beauty!


Jimbo


Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that's Ludacris

Showroom Hours: Mon. Tues. Wed.Fri. 8am 4:30pmOpen Thurs. until 6PM

APPOINTMENTS RECOMMENDEDGlenda Mitchell: 514-1136 • [email protected]

Tim Fox: 514-1137 • [email protected]

Make an appointment with our showroom consultants to geteasy access to a “World of Choices,” ideas and advantages.

Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail

Partnering with Professionals

3 Middle Street, Lewistonshowroom.redlon-johnson.com

Come see & design your ownKOHLER Artifacts faucet.

Crystal RousseauUncle Andy’s Digest is

pleased to announce the ad-dition of Crystal Rousseau totheir sales team.

Crystal brings new energyto its staff and will be a goodfit with her great attitude andquick wit.

“I am very excited to startmy new career in sales forUncle Andy’s Digest. I love achallenge, love to meet newpeople and look forward tohelping local businessesachieve their goals throughthe marketing strategies I’mlearning here at the Digest,”said Rousseau.

She is a 2005 graduate ofEdward Little High Schooland was a member of thetrack and field team whereshe learned the importance ofphysical activity and also thejoy of being part of a team.

Crystal’s hobbies includehiking and horseback riding.She also helps care for sixhorses at Moody’s Stables in-cluding her own horse, May.

Jimbo (owner of UAD)added, “A home owner at theage of 21, Crystal is focusedand responsible. She takesher responsibilities seriouslyand we think those are greattraits to have in sales. She isa quick learner and we’rehappy to have her as part ofour team here at UncleAndy’s Digest.”

Rousseau JoinsUncle Andy’s

Digest

The Yo-Yo

In the Philippines the Yo Yo was used as aweapon. It was around the year 1500. Theweapon consisted of a four pound stone at-tached to a rope about 20 feet long. Theyused the Yo Yo in two ways. When hunting,they stood off to one side, held one end of

the rope and threw the rock towards thelegs of an animal. The rope became tan-gled around the animals legs, and with atug, the hunter brought the animal down.When fighting enemies, the stones wouldbe dropped on their heads. They wouldquickly recover the stones, ready for a sec-ond blow if necessary.

RegulationsSubmitted by Thomas Hill

Hospital regulations require a wheel chairfor patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, Ifound one elderly gentleman alreadydressed and sitting on the bed with a suit-case at his feet.

He insisted he didn't need my help to leavethe hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluc-tantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife wasmeeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs inthe bathroom changing out of her hospitalgown.

A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.

It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.

Christmas trees have been sold in the U.S. since 1850.

867 Center St. Auburn • 753-0033LakeCityExports.com

LIKING IS GIVINGThis Holiday Season at Lake City Exports!

We will be giving a monetary gift to theBoys & Girls Club of Southern Maine’s

Auburn/Lewiston Clubhouse!The amount we give will be based on the number of “Likes” we get during this campaign. This is acommunity effort; please share with your family and friends. Let’s see how much we can raise for theBoys & Girls Club’s Auburn/Lewiston Clubhouse!

If we reach 800 Likes, we give $150.If we reach 900 Likes, we give $200.If we reach 1,000 Likes, we give $300.We’ll give up to $500. Help us do that!

DO THIS TO BE ENTERED:1) LIKE our page on Facebook

facebook.com/lakecityexports2) Already LIKE us? Share our posts to be

entered in the contestCampaign ends at 5pm on Friday, 12.20.13See our Facebook page for more info.

YOU could win an

iPad Mini!

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uad december 2013

Documents

uncle andys digestis

comuncle andys

lewiston highschool

unusual digest

safe happy holidays

com145 main street

webster street

washington st