fwm 2012 04

Spring 2012

Published byTherapy & Life Skills Centerfamilyworks.org 415-492-0720

Getting Your Kids Outdoors

Camp Guide2012

The WordsInside Your Head

This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license.

Content is the responsibility of APPLE FamilyWorks

Feeling At Peace AboutYour Child

2 Spring 2012 familyworks.org

Spring 2012

APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: [email protected]

Sponsorship Information: Doug Silberstein Phone: (415) 492-1022 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2011 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: [email protected].

Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-SmithEditor & Design: Lew TremaineCopy Editors: Pat Saunders Diana WilkinsMarketing: Doug SilbersteinWebsite: Katherine ArnsbargerWeb Publisher: Art SeverePrinted by: S.W. Offset

FamilyWorks® Board of Directors:Anjana Berde, PresidentMark Clark, SecretaryMaria Villani, TreasurerVicky SmirnoffRita Trumbo

3 How Do I Cope with Childhood Disability? By Stephen Gallup

4 Feeling at Peace About Your Children By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, MA, MFT, RN

6 Getting Kids Into the Great Outdoors By Vickie Courtney

8 The Words Inside My Head By Gary Direnfeld

APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs

12 Therapy Programs

14 Parenting Support and Independent Living Skills

15 Bullying: Not on My Watch! by Dottie DeHart

20 2012 Camp Guide

22 How to Select the Best Summer Camp

This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license.

Content is the responsibility of FamilyWorks.

awarded to

FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks®

“Like us” on

Spring 2012 3familyworks.org

by Stephen Gallup

A ll parents are well acquainted with challenges. Even when nothing out of the ordinary is going on, we cope with issues every day. However, in families where a child has a developmental disability, the

challenges can escalate to overwhelming levels. The only way to manage them successfully, on a daily basis, is to have an underlying philosophy for managing the disability itself.

A child who is helpless, and who may always be helpless, can inspire love of ferocious intensity. I’ve seen hundreds of parents demonstrate that truth. Their love and dedication is beautiful.

However, over time it can be extraordinarily wearing on the parents when a child has hard seizures or requires constant monitoring. It can also hurt simply to see birthdays roll around when each one means his peers are leaving him further behind. Syrupy bromides might sound good, but they’re not likely to keep anyone going for the long haul.

The first step toward being able to respond effectively is simply understanding and coming to terms with what you’re up against, and that process takes time.

At the first indication that a child might have a disability, families are confused. There’s the hope that it’s a false alarm, a mistake, a temporary glitch. Doubt gets in the way of action. In my own family’s case, a year or more passed before my wife Judy and I told friends or relatives what we feared, because we didn’t want people reacting to our baby differently than they would have if everything had been perfect. Also, since the doctors were offering no prognosis,

How Do I Cope with Childhood Disability?

we wanted to hope that things might turn out just fine.When that initial period passes, assuming the condi-

tion becomes undeniable, families then generally as-sume one of two basic positions. Some accept the hand they and their child have been dealt as an unchangeable fact of life. Others make up their minds that they’re going to beat this thing. Both responses have merit. Neither, in itself, is a final answer.

Acceptance looks like the reasonable option when a family cannot see themselves taking any other course of action. Some doubt their capacity to change anything. Certainly, pediatricians discourage explora-tion of therapies that have not been endorsed by the mainstream medical community. Sometimes they point out (accurately) that alternative providers tend to over-promise, or that it’s possible to spend a lot of money and have nothing to show for it.

Many parents of children with developmental issues accept that view and never seriously consider another. I’m often asked for suggestions to help younger fami-

The first step toward being able to respond effectively is simply

understanding and coming to terms with what you’re up against, and that

process takes time.

continued on page 19


“Sean and Shane are twins. They may look alike but they certainly are different in every other way. Shane is all over the place. He never sits still. All I want is to get one thing accomplished during the day, but it’s impossible.”

“Every time I get deep into a project, he falls apart. It’s either fighting with Sean, or wanting me “right now” to help with something. I thought that the corporate world was challenging, but nothing compares to being a 45 year old with two nine year olds. At least they are in school during weekdays. I just about lost it over Winter Break. How am I going to manage a summer with Sean and Shane? I’ll go insane. Is there something wrong with my parenting, or does Shane have some kind of disorder like ADHD? ”

One of parents’ biggest challenges is figuring out if their child’s behavior is a symptom of prob-lems, or simply an expression of their age, environment, or temperament.

It can be scary when your child’s behavior seems “out of line” with their same-age mates. Worries linger that perhaps your child has a devel-opmental or emotional problem and needs treatment. You wonder why your child c a n n o t just si t s t i l l ,

concentrate, and manage on his own.So here are some things to consider in order to feel more

at peace about your child:Hyperactivity Most children are very busy. Managing children requires

boundless energy. Until the 1950s most children were born to women ages 18 to 25. These young women’s bodies were primed for missing sleep and dealing with non-stop activity. Today, many parents are in their late 30s and responsible for young children. It makes perfect sense to feel a bit overwhelmed and exhausted, particularly when trying to keep up with the multiple activities (lessons, sports, play dates, homework, adult relationships and – oh yes, self-care.)

Attention Deficits Young children rarely manage for more than 10 to 20

minutes on their own. Parents, accustomed to the work world, adult company, and getting projects completed, become frustrated with “never being able to get anything

done”. Even during this time, parents need

to have “eyes in the back of their heads.” The re-

sult is that nap-

Feeling At Peace About Your Children


Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Learn more great parenting skills in her Positive & Peaceful Parenting class. Call (415) 492-0720 to sign up or make an appointment for counseling services.

time or after bedtime is about the only time that parents of children out of school have to concentrate on a task. If you have a temperament that is highly persistent, you may feel even more frustrated.

Emotional IntensityChildren can be noisy, emotional,

demanding, and unappreciative. While we work hard as parents to instill emotional regulation, empathy, and kindness in our children, many years may pass before we know we have accomplished our goals. In contrast, even in the most demanding work environments, there is likely to be appreciation and external signs or benchmarks that you are doing an ad-equate, if not a good job. As an adult,

“Is there something wrong with my parenting, or does Shane have

some kind of disorder like, ADHD?”

you have more ability to self-soothe when you are upset, and appraise the severity of the situation before react-ing. If you have a temperament with low intensity and low mood, you may find that children’s lack of emotional regulation really tests your patience.

An accurate diagnosis of ADHD requires professional assessment. Regardless of the diagnosis, effective techniques can be used to deal with a child that seems to have ADHD. APPLE FamilyWorks clinicians are trained to do Temperament Assess-ments, which can help you to identify the similarities and differences be-tween you and your child’s tempera-ment and how to work with those. We have found that parents and children benefit by learning specific skills to

Couples Counseling& Family TherapyCounseling, concerns, hopes and dreams, as well as practical and effective relationship tools are explored. The result is increased understanding and empathy, more cooperation and more fun in family life through:• Sharing Child Rearing • Planning for Play• Managing Anger • Dealing with Anxiety• Managing Child Behavior • Managing Depression • Resolving Hurts and Conflicts and Addictions • Understanding Child Development

Sliding Scale Fees

Therapy and Life Skills Center

create healthy relationships at home, school, and play. Temperament is a good place to start.


I took up running about a year ago. Several times a week I run a two- to three-mile course on a main road that winds through my neighborhood. Along

the main connector road in my neigh-borhood are countless coves and cul-de-sacs complete with backyard trampolines and basketball goals in every other driveway. It is suburban heaven. Yet some-thing is missing. Rarely do I see kids out playing during my evening runs. It doesn’t matter if it’s summertime or after school hours during the school year, they are MIA.

As I continue down the main road, I am struck by the empty cul-de-sacs. Where are the grade-school kids who should be playing tag or running through their neighbor’s sprinklers on a dare? Or how about the middle-school kids who should be riding bikes to friends’ houses or playing a pickup game of horse in someone’s driveway?

It saddens me that today’s kids are missing out on outdoor play. With the increasing load of homework at every grade level and the prevalence of dual-income families and the resulting increase of kids in after-care programs, empty cul-de-sacs have become the suburban norm. Added to the list of other possible causes – the lure of video games, cable TV, and the computer – and you begin to see the problem for what it is. We’ve simply gotten our priorities out of order.

Children suffer when outdoor play is not a regular part of their day. They are missing out on experiencing

adventure in its truest form: The kind of adventure born in the great outdoors.

But with Spring around the corner, Scouts underway and plenty of team sport opportunities, now is the best time to encourage our kids to get out of the house and feel the joy of heart-pounding, non-air-conditioned fun. Here are three steps to helping your child enjoy the great outdoors:

1. Take them outside. Make it your mission to expose them to active and “calm” outdoor adventures alike. For kids who may be a little less rambunctious, fresh-air ac-tivities like camping, hiking, fishing, rock collecting and

Getting Kids into the Great OutdoorsAdapted from “5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son”

By Vicki Courtney


canoeing are ideal. Scouts is a terrific way to get your kids involved in a wide variety of adventures.

On the more rough-and-tumble end, competitive sports can be a healthy outlet for many kids and give them a sense of teamwork and satisfaction that comes from working toward a goal. In a world full of noisy dis-tractions that bid for their constant attention, it’s important to teach our children the value of “unplugging” from technology and spending time outside.

2. Set video game boundaries. Speaking of unplugging, let’s talk about the very real allure of immersive video games. This one is an issue of self-control, something that my own son struggled with as a teenager.

In the summer prior to his sopho-more year in high school, he learned

a valuable life lesson that won’t soon be forgotten. He and a good friend had been waiting with much anticipa-tion for a new video game to release. When it released just days into the summer, they were first in line to get the game. In the week that followed, they holed themselves up in my home office in front of the computer in a frenzied attempt to get to the next level in the game. One week turned to two, two weeks to four, and before you knew it, the summer was gone.

While I sometimes stepped in and made them take a break and go out-side, it was as if they had a one-track mind and could think of nothing more than getting to the next level of

that ridicu-lous video game . I held back o n t h e urge to ban playing it altogether, h o p i n g he would eventually come to the conclusion that it was n o t h i n g more than a time wast-er. Sure enough my plan worked. By the end of the summer, my son grew weary of playing the game only to realize the summer was now gone. I remember him saying something to the effect of, “I can’t believe I wasted my whole

summer playing that stupid game.”When kids are young, they just don’t

have the same ability we do to connect possible consequences to certain ac-tions. Our role is to help them develop the habit. So encourage them to stop before impulsively reaching for the video game console, and help them think things through. The tactic may not always work, but the key here is persevering in helping them to make the connection between constant gaming and a lack of satisfaction. Of course, you hold the final say and it may be necessary to moderate their time until they prove they can exercise self-control.

Children suffer when outdoor play is not a regular part of their day.

3. Resist overprotective hover-ing. As mothers, we will need to de-velop a healthy balance when it comes to cultivating our kids’ innate sense of adventure without overprotecting them in the process or, for that matter, not protecting them at all. Whether you involve your child in competitive team sports, hunting, fishing, camp-ing, hiking, scouting, or any other number of outdoor activities, what matters most is that you get them outside and get them outside often.

The best adventures for kids occur in the open outdoors. They happen while lying zipped in sleeping bags under a canopy of twinkling stars. They happen at summer camp while roasting marshmallows by a campfire and the cologne of choice is bug re-pellent. They happen on dusty, Little League fields when the championship trophy is at stake and your child is playing his/her best friend’s team.

And yes, they even happen in back-yard tents where potentially rabid rac-coons sneak in for a midnight snack … all while your child sleeps soundly a few feet away.


The Words Inside My Head

By Gary Direnfeld, LCSW

Some people have a negative script

that runs through their heads. By way of the script, they are telling themselves,

over and over again, matters that contribute to their own

distress: I am: fat; ugly; unlovable; afraid; shy;

undeserving; etc.


Further, their scripts may provide for a negative and ongoing self-fulfilling prophecy, such as: Bad things happen to me; I’ll never succeed; I can’t be happy.

These kinds of negative affirmations (or Automatic Nega-tive Thoughts -- ANTs) are then self-reinforcing and embed the person in a cycle of self-perpetuating upset. These nega-tive scripts or negative affirmations are frequently an issue for persons who experience depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts or compulsive behavior.

To help resolve the distress, change the words inside your head.

Positive affirmations (or Positive Affirming Thoughts – PATs) are scripts you recite to yourself to counter or change the negative and thus promote relief.

Typically, one uses the antithesis or opposite of the nega-tive script to create a positive affirmation. For instance:

I can lose weight; I can strive to be healthy and vibrant; I can choose to avoid induction into conflict; if I take my time, I can learn; I am deserving of a healthy relationship.

To strengthen the influence of the positive affirmation, one must recite it regularly. Not necessarily out loud, but certainly regularly.

Further, the positive affirmation can be recited in those situations that usually elicit the negative affirmation. By way of example, a person who usually feels anxiety giving a presentation can tell him/herself “All is well, I am confident and prepared”.

Changing the words inside your head is like exercising a muscle. It takes practice, time and commitment. Some people find it helpful practicing in front of a mirror while looking at their own facial expressions. As you practice in front of a mirror, make your facial expression match the sentiment of the positive affirmation.

For many, a reminder is necessary to maintain the practice. Write your positive affirmation on a piece of paper and carry it with you. Tape a copy on the bathroom mirror and tack others on places where you will come across it regularly. Some people find wearing a special brace-let or ring can help them remember to use their positive affirmation. The

key is to be practical, use a bit of creativity, and have some fun with how you set up your reminders. This is a process you can enjoy.

With time and practice, the positive affirmation can replace the negative. As this occurs, your behavior may change to be consistent with what you are telling yourself. As your behavior changes, so too do your feelings. Distress fades; success gains.

Change your words; change your life.Gary Direnfeld is a Licensed Social Worker

Specializing in Families and Marriage.


www.bankofmarin.com | Member FDIC

Making a Difference

At Bank of Marin you’ll bank with people who share your same values and commitment to the community. We invite you to get to know us.

San Anselmo • RossTiburon

2012


We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to:

• Increase cooperation • Receive respect & appreciation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Get chores & homework completed• Enjoy time with your family • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities

Topics include:• Deciding your goals and principles • Listening completely • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Turning opposition into cooperation• Using the “New Time Out” • Knowing abilities & Temperament • Giving effective directions • Applying “When...Then”• Setting clear consequences • Creating charts & reinforcements

Four Tuesday evenings: April 24 - May 15, 2012, 6:30 - 8:30 pmRefreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included


Positive & Peaceful Parenting Classes©

Exploring Motherhood GroupsFor Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week from 10 to noon at a Marin Community ClinicNOVATO: Spanish speaking: Tuesdays; SAN RAFAEL: Spanish speaking: Thursdays

• Share experiences, ideas, and support• Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness• Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress• Reduce anxiety and depressionMothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details.

Child-Centered Co-ParentingParents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to:• Deal with each other respectfully• Increase cooperation• Make co-parenting decisions calmly• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably• Manage constantly shifting schedules

• Stop tantrums and dawdling• Design consequences that work• End rudeness & backtalkSeven Tuesday evenings: April 24 - June 5, 2012, 6:30-8:30 pm

Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

familyworks.org (415) 492-0720


FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand” Ancient Proverb

FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) has been developed over three decades to help you and your family reach your life goals.

FamilyWorks trained therapist*, utilizing interviews and assessment tools, will guide you to establish your goals, identify your individual strengths, and note patterns, thoughts, and behaviors, which may be causing discomfort and frustration. Your therapist will meet with you, your partner or family members in our specially designed FIT suites as you learn and/or practice time-tested and effective skills.


You will benefit from choices of many therapeutic approaches, including state of the art technology, such as the emWave® biofeedback stress relief system, one-way mirror sessions with audio-visual feedback, and DVDs, to track and celebrate positive emotional and behavioral change. You will also benefit from easy to implement written materials to reinforce skills at work, play and home.

*Therapists are FamilyWorks Positive and Peaceful Parenting© as well as Child-Centered Co-Parenting© practitioners. Triple P® materials are also available.



APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life.

We welcome you to join us in:• Resolving conflicts • Dealing with anxiety • Coping with transitions• Overcoming depression • Managing ADHD & ODD • Managing anger• Managing grief & loss • Improving intimacy • Regulating emotions • Enhancing social skills • Overcoming addictions • Enhancing Co-Parenting• Insuring mutual respect • Coping with separation & divorce • Reducing domestic violence

Adult and Family Therapy Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased

understanding, empathy, and cooperation.


APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which

best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional well-being, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

Child and Teen Therapy



Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Independent Living Skills

Parenting Support Services• Parenting and co-parenting

• Childbirth education

• Child development and family planning

• Behavior management and stress reduction

• Early intervention in postpartum depression

• Positive and peaceful discipline

• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise

• Household management, and transportation

• Financial management and budgeting

• Development of social support systems

• Linkage with others services

• Academic growth

• Behavior management

• Stress Reduction skills

• Injury prevention

• Nutrition

• Health promotion and exercise

• Hygiene and self-care

• Housekeeping

• Transportation skills

• Community access

• Employment readiness

• Financial management and budgeting

• Development of social support Systems

CPR & First Aid Classes


Serving eleven greater Bay Area Counties

Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.

Saturdays: April 28 & May 19CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PMFirst Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM



WestAmerica

Strengthen Families and RelationshipsIn Our Community!

Sponsor

(415) 492-0720 • [email protected]

John T. Smith, DDS

Family Dental Care

- Preventive Care - Implants- Extractions - Lumineers - Crown & Bridge - Dentures

And We Love Children!

915 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., San Anselmo, CA(Across from Red Hill Shopping Center)

(415) 453-1666

John T. Smith, DDS915 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., San Anselmo

(Across from Red Hill Shopping Center)

415-453-1666

Family Dental Care


By Dottie DeHart

E very few months, it seems, there’s another headline about the death of a child or teen as the result of bullying. That’s terrifying, and it’s also unacceptable. To some extent, we expect to hear about economic woes, political strife, and natural disasters. We don’t expect

to hear about the premature (and preventable) deaths of our young people. And we shouldn’t have to. According to Todd Patkin, it’s past time for America to realize that bullying is “the” problem of our day, and for parents and educators to lead the revolution on stopping this dangerous behavior. If you’re skeptical, consider the following statistics from www.bullyingstatistics.org:

• Almost 30 percent of young people participate in bullying behaviors or are bullying victims.

• Every day, around 160,000 students do not attend school because they are afraid of being bullied.

• Young people who have been bullied are two to nine times more likely than their non-bullied peers to consider suicide.

Perhaps most concerning of all, a 2009 study indicated that every half hour, a child commits suicide because he or she has been bullied. And that trend is on the rise. “To put it bluntly, what we’re doing to combat bullying clearly isn’t working,” says Patkin, author of the new book Finding Happiness: One Man’s Quest to Beat Depression and Anxiety and—Finally—Let the Sunshine In (StepWise Press, 2011, ISBN: 978-0-9658261-9-8, $19.95, www.findinghappinessthebook.com). “Suicides are still happening, and that’s not even mentioning the thousands of kids whose lives are destroyed or diminished—but not ended—by bullying.”

Yes, bullying is a big problem.Patkin knows from personal experience just

how devastating bullying can be. Being the

Not on My Watch! It’s (Past) Time for a Cultural Revolution.


target of several tormenters filled his high school years with much anxiety, and the effects of being bullied lasted into his adulthood.

“My tormenters verbally abused me, and they would also push me around and knock my books or drinks out of my hands,” Patkin recalls. “They caused me to often dread coming to school or attending social functions. My confidence and self-esteem took a huge hit. And looking back, I believe that the negative self-image bullying cultivated lasted well into my adult years and contributed to the anxiety and depression from which I suffered.”

Patkin isn’t alone. In fact, research has shown that the fear, social anxiety, shame, low self-esteem, and anger that bullying causes can rear their heads throughout adulthood, often at crucial moments, causing individuals who were once bullied to stick with “easy,” “safe,” or “defensive” choices instead of those that might prove most beneficial. There are definitive links between childhood bullying and adult depression. Being bullied can also lead to anger management problems and aggression in adulthood.

“The importance of combating and preventing bullying should be obvious,” Patkin states. “By preventing a young person from being bullied, we may be freeing him or her from a lifetime of feeling inadequate and being haunted by horrible memories. We may even be saving a life.”

So, why isn’t the current approach working? Yes, bullying has gotten a lot of media attention, and as a result, schools and communities are providing more and more resources for bullied kids. They’re encouraging victims to reach out for help, and they’re also instituting zero-tolerance policies aimed at the bullies themselves. But too many victims are still slipping through the cracks. Why? According to Patkin, we’re putting too much responsibility on the young people we’re t r y i n g t o protect.

“ S c h o o l s put out a lot of rhetoric on dealing with and preventing bullying, but

the problem is still rampant,” he points out. “That’s because our current approach revolves around requiring kids to tell on each other—and it’s not as effective as we hoped. For several reasons, young people just aren’t reporting the bullies.”

First of all, kids who are being bullied often lack the self-esteem and confidence to stand up for themselves and let adults know what’s happening. They also worry that turning a tormentor in will make them new targets, or intensify the former level of bullying.

“I certainly didn’t ask teachers or my parents for any help when I was in high school because I was so ashamed of my weakness in dealing with my bullies,” Patkin admits. “Also, I was afraid that if my teachers or parents stepped in, their interference would just make my tormenters focus their efforts on me more. I’d be even more on the outside because I’d ratted out my peers.”

Patkin believes that many young people today feel just as powerless to speak up and “out” bullies—and he also points out that repercussions for them could be worse than those he might have faced due to cyber-bullying. In other words, today’s bullies aren’t forced to stop once the school bell rings—their vicious and hurtful behavior can continue 24/7, thanks to social media

continued on page 18


sites, texting, and emails.“How much longer are we going to let this problem

go on?” Patkin asks. “Are we going to continue to allow more kids to become victims because, like I was, they’re too scared to speak up? Not on my watch!”

Here’s what our goal should be. “We need to spark a culture-wide revolution to make bullying uncool—in fact, unacceptable!” Patkin insists. “There needs to be a palpable stigma attached to tormenting and belittling another person in this way.”

Patkin compares the bullying problem to drunk driving. Once upon a time, getting behind the wheel after a few alcoholic beverages was fairly common and casual, and was not seen as “that big of a deal”—just as, until recently, bullying was seen as “a part of kids growing up.”

Then an organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) took up the cause and dramatically changed the way in which Americans viewed drunk driving. Through publicity campaigns and a grassroots movement, MADD caused the public to view driving while intoxicated as something that is reprehensible, irresponsible, dangerous, and even criminal. MADD’s efforts also helped to enact stronger penalties against drunk drivers.

“Similarly, bullies need to lose the ‘cool’ image that comes with being at the top of the social pecking order,” Patkin says. “The public—adults and kids alike—needs to view bullying as something that brands you with a modern-day scarlet letter. Our current zero-tolerance policies are a good start, but we need to add another prong to our anti-bullying approach. In short, parents have to lead the way (along with other students) to say that we are no longer going to accept this behavior. It has to start in your house.”

What can parents do to change things?

“We, as parents, need to be more proactive in raising kids who are not bullies,” Patkin says. “If young people see bullying as something to avoid at all costs—something that they don’t want to participate in or allow to happen—we’ll be directly attacking the problem instead of treating the symptoms. Over time, this attitude will spread and will hopefully become just as ingrained in the public psyche as our negative views on drunk driving. The best news is, getting started is pretty simple.”

First, have the bullying talk. Talk to your kids about

Bullyingcontinued from page 17

bullying, just as you would have the drug talk or the drunk driving talk. Most parents don’t directly address this topic, perhaps because nobody ever thinks it’s their kids. (Admit it; you’ve thought something along the lines of, “My child would never make fun of someone just to be mean.”) And as a result, many kids don’t have a full understanding of how serious bullying and its effects can be. It’s important to be specific in defining what bullying is (make sure your child knows that it can include physical abuse, verbal taunting, online harassment, or even passing on a hurtful message or rumor), and to explain just how damaging certain words and actions can be to others—even if your child didn’t “mean” them or think they would have a lasting impact.

“You should also make a point to explain that when someone commits suicide because of bullying, many lives are ruined,” Patkin suggests. “As a parent, you don’t want a young person’s death on your head, or on that of your child.”

Patkin is also adamant that if your child is caught bullying, you must take it very, very seriously. If you caught your child lying or stealing, you’d come down hard, right?

You definitely wouldn’t brush off the behavior as “just a stage.” You’d do whatever was necessary to nip it in the bud. Treat bullying the same way.

“I’m not here to tell you how to punish your child—consequences are your family’s business,” Patkin clarifies. “Just make sure that your child knows that bullying behaviors are not okay in your family. Talk to him about why he reacted the way he did, why it was wrong, and how he can better respond in the future.”

“Ultimately, this is one social change that will happen because ordinary parents are purposeful in how they’re raising their children,” Patkin concludes. “In the past, bullies have been seen as ‘cool’—they’ve even been glamorized in popular culture thanks to movies like Mean Girls. We have the power and responsibility to change this view, now that we fully understand the thousands of lives that bullying affects every day. And that change must start now.”

Talk to your kids about bullying, just as

you would have the drug talk or the

drunk driving talk.


lies confronted with developmental disability, and have distilled my ex-periences into a few basic concepts.

TryYou don’t know the extent to which

someone can be helped until you try; and as I said, I do believe in trying. I believe it’s good to fight for a cause that’s important. Even aside from the degree of success ultimately achieved, that fight is mentally satisfying.

Now, finding the most effective treatment for any particular child is a huge challenge. It takes perseverance. It takes pushing past people who are going to discourage you from making the effort. The good news is that Inter-net searches, online discussion groups, and ready access to new research can be very empowering. There are many resources out there.

Be good to yourselfWhile I do believe in going all-out

for your kid, if your compassion does not also extend to yourself, it’s not going to be as effective. There’s a tendency to say to ourselves, I’m not going to be happy until we get this problem resolved. But there has to be a way of being happy now, too! And I think what’s involved there has to do with finding a way of enjoying the pro-cess—being satisfied with what you’re doing now, as opposed to deferring all satisfaction for some future time. Your child will not benefit if your own life is ruined in the process of trying to help him.

Remember that your disabled child is still a child

When my son was very small, his obvious problems preoccupied me to the extent that I put more energy into

seeking help for him than into relating to him as his daddy.

He needed me to play with him and express love for him. Sometimes we may forget to do that, when a child is in distress or is rigid or unresponsive. But all kids need that stuff! Those struggling with a disability probably need it more than anyone else. Provid-ing it is healthy for us adults, as well.

Don’t let your heart betray your mind

Unfortunately, the world of dis-ability is highly politicized, which means there is potential for getting into cult-like situations. Too-fervent allegiance to any point of view is a distraction at best. Likewise, it’s not difficult to find charlatans who make

extravagant promises. You want your child to improve. And if you really want to believe in it, just about any-thing can make sense if it’s presented as a means of achieving that goal. Of course, this does not mean you should reject everyone offering an uncon-ventional idea. It just means that you always need your common sense. If, for the moment, no intervention looks reasonable, wait until you find one that does. There’s a point at which acceptance makes sense for everyone.

Stephen Gallup is the author of What About the Boy? A Father’s Pledge to His Disabled Son. Informa-tion is available at fatherspledge.com.

Childhood Disabilitiescontinued from page 3


Camp Doodles Really fun camps for PreK - 1st & 2nd - 6th graders! Convenient locations in San Francisco and Marin. Arts & crafts, sports, songs, skits, cooking, archery, water days and much more! Weekly field trips for 2nd - 6th graders. 6/11 – 8/24, 9:00 am–3:30 pm. Extended care 7:30 am–6:00 pm. $75 - $325. ACA accredited. www.campdoodles.com or 415-388-4FUN (4386).

Camp Guide

Camp Tam at Homestead Valley A FUN, SAFE, traditional, diversely-programmed outdoor summer day camp for elementary school kids. A variety of outdoor activities, including our own swimming pool! Creative, small-group program; we promote respect for each other and the environment. Team-building exercises, games, projects, and nature education with walks through the host of trails that surround Homestead Valley. 415-388-0128. [email protected], www.homesteadvalley.org

Camp WinnarainbowA sleepaway camp specialized in the circus and performing arts for kids, ages 7-14. Voted East Bay Parents’ Press 2011 Overnight Camp of the Year. Activities include trapeze, clowning, tightrope, juggling, magic, music, art, team sports, nature walks, environmental and multi-cultural awareness. Beautiful lake with a 350-foot waterslide, year round stream and lodging in tipis. 510-525-4304 www.campwinnarainbow.org

Kids on Camera TV/Film Acting Day CampLights, camera, fun! Age 4-15. Weeklong camps. 31st year. Comedy, characters w/costumes, film acting, improv, physical comedy. Build confidence. 9:30A-3P. Extended care 8A-5:30P. Marin: Ross & Larkspur. San Francisco: near Geary/19th Ave. We trained the star of Disney’s GOOD LUCK CHARLIE. Judy Berlin 415.440-4400www.kids-on-camera.com $200-375.

Marin Shakespeare Company Summer CampsWe make Shakespeare fun! Ages 5 to 7, 8 to 12 and teenagers. Two and three week sessions June 18 - August 17 in Ross, San Rafael and Novato, including the popular Tennis/Drama camp. Each session culminates in a performance. www.marinshakespeare.org or call 415-499-4487.

Marin Summer Camp FairCome learn about over 100 local day & residential summer camps. The Marin Camp Fair is Friday, March 30 from 4:30pm - 6:45pm at Dominican University, in the Conlan Gymnasium. Academic & recreational camps for


preschool, elementary, middle & high school students will be present. Free pizza too! Visit www.MarinCampFair.com for details.

Marin Waldorf SchoolPreschool and Kindergarten Summer Day Camps, ages 3½ - 6 years (children must have previously attended preschool). Monday – Friday, 8:30am - 3:00pm. Three 2-week sessions available: June 18 – June 29, July 2 – July 13, July 16 – July 27. $515 per session. 755 Idylberry Rd., San Rafael. 415-479-8190. www.marinwaldorf.org

Camp Guide

Marin YMCAJoin us for Y Camp! We will offer various specialty camps this year, along with our traditional Y Camp. Kids will enjoy sports, crafts, swimming, fieldtrips, nature hikes, Wii parties, theme days and more! For more information visit our website at www.ymcasf.org/marin.

San Domenico SummersThe best summers start at San Domenico! We offer full and half day camps throughout June and July, including: sports, arts, boat building, woodworking, academics and outdoor adventures on our 500 acre campus in San Anselmo. Sessions begin June 4. Lunch and extended care available. Call 415-258-1944 or visit sandomenico.org/summers for more info.

Singers Marin “Musical You” Summer CampDo you Love to sing? Do you watch Glee and wish you could join in? Then join us for a fantastic musical experience. Ages 7 - 11: Solo and group vocal instruction; Musical Theatre, Ensemble Singing; Dance Instruction; Lessons in Stage Presence. 7/30 – 8/10, Mon - Fri, 10am - 4:00. Mt. Tamalpais Church, 410 Sycamore Ave., Mill Valley. 415-383-3712. www.singersmarin.org

MARIN SUMMER CAMP FAIR100+ Day and Overnight Camps

Academic and Recreational Camps — Full Day, Half Day, and Overnight CampsPreschool, Elementary, Middle, and High School Camps

Chat with representatives from nearly every Marin day camp and the top overnight camps

Friday, March 30, 20124:30–6:45 p.m.

Conlan Center, Dominican University of California1475 Grand Avenue, San Rafael, California 94901

Bounce House and FREE pizza and snacks!

www.MarinCampFair.com

22 Winter 2012

Camp GuideHow to Select the Best Summer Camp

Just about every summer camp has a website, some better than others. While these websites can give parents a great deal of information, they don’t always give the full picture. Some

camps spend thousands of dollars a year on creating and maintaining professional websites while many others simply don’t have the budget, or choose to focus their dollars on their program.

Read any “advice to parents choosing a summer camp” and there will be the suggestion that the parents meet, or at least call, the camp. Recognizing that many families appreciate “one-stop shopping”, the Marin Camp Fair was born.

The Marin Camp Fair, of which APPLE Family-Works is a sponsor, provides over 100 day & residential camps the opportunity to set up a table with informa-tion about their camp and provides representatives to answer any questions you might have. The camps represent children and youth from preschool to high school and nearly every category of camp is provided – academic, recreational, half-day, full-day, specialty, traditional, day and overnight. Parents are welcome to come alone or to bring their children. There will be a free pizza dinner, snacks and activities. There will also be VIP gift bags given out to the first 250 families.

The Marin Camp Fair was started by a partnership between David Hughes of Camp Doodles and Domini-can University of California, both of whom wanted to allow all camps the same opportunity to share their programs with families in our community. The Marin Camp Fairs launched in 2011 with 107 summer camps in attendance. According to David Hughes, “every family walked out of the fair with a very clear idea of where they were going to send their child to camp”. . The Marin Camp Fair will be held Friday, March 30 from 4:30pm – 6:45pm at Dominican University of California’s Conlan Recreation Center 1475 Grand Avenue, San Rafael. To learn more about the Marin Camp Fair, please visit www.MarinCampFair.com

Homestead Valley Community Center offers a summer daycamp in a beautiful setting at the foot of Mt. Tamalpais.

Swimming, Hiking, Sports, Drama, Art, Outdoor Education,Gardening and more in a small-group atmosphere.

For children entering grades K through 5Nine 1 week sessions (each with its own theme)

June 18th - August 17 Mon.-Fri. 9:00-4:00(Optional pre and post camp available)

(415) 388-0128315 Montford Ave., Mill Valley

[email protected]

Winter 2012 23familyworks.org

Camp Guide

AwArd winning • 31st YearComedY, Film aCting, improv

san FranCisCo, east BaY marin: larkspur & ross

June/July/Aug

tv/Film aCting CampAges 4-15

415.440.4400www.kids-on-cAmerA.com

fwm 2012 04

Documents

responsibility of familyworks

sponsors of familyworks

tofamilyworks magazine

major family magazine

parenting programs

developmental disability

childhood disability

peace aboutyour child2