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This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license. Content is the responsibility of APPLE FamilyWorks Published by Therapy & Life Skills Center familyworks.org 415-492-0720 Power vs. Shared Influence Where Did My Sweet Little Darling Go? Spring 2013 M a g a z i n e

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Where Did My Sweet Little Darling Go? | Power vs. Shared Influence

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Page 1: FWM 2013 04

This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license.

Content is the responsibility of APPLE FamilyWorks

Published by Therapy & Life Skills Center

familyworks.org 415-492-0720

Power vs.Shared Influence

Where Did My Sweet Little DarlingGo?

Spring 2013

Magazine

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New Mothers’ GroupsTemperament Assessment

Therapy and Counseling

Strengthening Relationships...

Timeless Wisdom... Innovative Methods

Since 1978, APPLE FamilyWorks has served over 40,000 individuals of all ages, with our compassionate, comprehensive, and effective services.

We help build essential life skills and improve relationships for many families and individuals in our community dealing with life transitions and challenges.

Most likely you know someone who has benefited from one or more of our free or sliding scale programs and services.

Your gift is healing.

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“It amounted to a huge step backwards,” says Dr. James Sutton, psychologist and founder of The Changing Behavior Network. “I encouraged a young lady to be more direct in expressing her unhappiness with things like school work and chores, rather than remaining silent and doing noth-ing. When she did make an effort to express her feelings to her mother, however, her mom, called her ‘mouthy’ and was so tough on the girl that the youngster’s right back to her silent defiance of doing nothing at all.

“She’s now failing EVERYTHING in school,” Sutton concludes. “It’s like honesty is being punished.”Room to Complain?

There’s no question that the friction between a parent and a headstrong child can create much more heat than light. But if there’s no room for a son or daughter to EVER complain, behavior can go underground. Result: A silent attack that can drive a parent to medication. What’s the solution?

Jump-start a Dialogue“Silent defiance is the toughest

kind of behavior to resolve,” Sutton suggests. “Although circumstances differ, one thing remains absolutely unchanged: If we can manage to keep the youngster talking to us, that IS a start.”

Mom wants Mary to do her home-work immediately when she gets home from school. Mary resists, claiming her concentration (especially

for homework) is not the best when she first comes home.

Mom could insist, but Mary could bomb the homework. There’s no win-ner in that battle - only losers.

Could Mary’s attitude in the WAY she communicates with her mother grate on Mom’s overstressed nerves? Absolutely. But it is Mom who can settle things down and perhaps take the first step in turning the situation around.

“Mary, I really DO understand,” Mom could say. “We’re all pretty tired, cranky and a bit stressed-out when we first get home. But I’m so afraid that if you don’t do your homework right away, it won’t get done. Your grades aren’t giving you any room for error. So what is YOUR solution, Mary?”

Mary might say, “I’d like to have a snack and just “chill” for half an hour, and then do my homework.” What does Mom have to lose by giv-ing Mary a chance to act on her own solution? Wouldn’t Mary be more apt to keep a bargain SHE suggested?

Besides, it would make for a much more pleasant evening, right?

Although a nationally recognized child and adolescent psychologist, author and speaker, Dr. Sutton deeply values his first calling as a junior high school teacher. Today he is in demand for his expertise on emotionally and behaviorally troubled youngsters, and his skill for sharing it. Dr. Sutton is the founder and host of The Changing Be-havior Network, a popular internet ra-dio program supporting young people and their families.He publishes The Changing Behavior Digest, offering tips on managing issues with children and teens. Resources (and others) are available at no cost through his website, http://www.DocSpeak.com.

Goes SilentDef ance

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Then: “When we first fell in love, we thought everything our partner said was clever, funny, smart, and engaging.”

Now: “He thinks I’m stupid.” “She always criticizes me.” “No matter what I do or say, I’m put down.”

Why the Power Struggles?When we were in school, we expected to

be corrected or given advice. At work we expect suggestions from our co-workers. But before long, in an intimate relation-ship, sweetness sours. We are disap-pointed and often feel betrayed because that loving man/woman seems to have changed.

Perhaps their attitude has changed because their expectations are dif-ferent. In the early stages of a rela-tionship, not only are we on our best behavior, but we are focusing on one another and having fun. When the honeymoon phase is over - all the challenges of everyday living are upon us – and then some.

Particularly when pregnancy and children come along, life REALLY changes. And, if we believe statistics, parents state that their marital satisfac-tion goes down after children are in their lives. No one is really prepared for the sleepless nights and the constancy of being a mom or dad. Few realize that no matter how hard we try or how loving we are, the children will be sick, upset, or angry with you, their friends, and their life. The satisfaction that you receive from becoming a parent, in the long run, far outweighs our work world, but we may have to wait until we are grandparents, or when our children are in their 30’s, to feel that sense of pleasure for any

Power versus Shared Inf uenceby Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MS, MFT

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Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.

Power versus Shared Inf uencelength of time.

But let’s go back to before we have children, if we do at all. Why is it so particularly difficult today for couples to feel they are appreciated – and re-spected by one another.

My theory is this: women’s and men’s responsibilities and pressures are so much greater than those expe-rienced by their parents. Top that off with the wide-spread dissatisfaction and lack of trust in our future and our leaders, it stands to reason that adults (and children) feel uneasy and at risk. They then take this unsettling feeling back home, where decisions need to be made, complex schedules interwo-ven, and some attempt at relaxation be found. Sadly, home is often not an oasis, but a place that more tension and a sense of hopelessness is found.

Before my thoughts depress you, I want to say: all is not lost. The fact is – we become frustrated and upset with one another because we focus outward on all the media saturated doom and gloom. We notice what we do not have, rather than what we do. It is easy to overlook our good fortunes and the potentials to enjoy our relationships.

Rather than turn on or turn away from those closest to us, we need to find safe ways of releasing our discon-tent, rather than taking it home with us. When we feel powerless in the outside world, we need to be careful not to try to enforce unwieldy power at home.

Moving Toward Shared Influence

I would like to introduce a new way of thinking about suggestions or dif-fering viewpoints offered by our part-ner. First of all, welcome them. They are not intended to be put-downs, even though they may sound like it. If you feel drawn to snap back, take a big

breath and postpone the conversation. “It sounds like we feel strongly about this. (Or I’m feeling uncomfortable right now.) Maybe we can talk about it when we’re more rested? How about at 9 pm?”

The best way to settle tension is to avoid defensiveness to the other’s comments. Practice saying to yourself “s/he wants to be helpful.”

ListenReview what you think the other

person thinks and feels.“So, you think I should . . .? I’ll

consider that.”“That’s an interesting way to look

at that.”“So, you don’t want to . . . but you’d

rather . . .?“Hmm, I hadn’t thought of that.”“Good to know.”“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Be Respectful and Avoid Interrogation

“Who told you?” “Where did you read that?” Put-downs: “You’re wrong.” “How

could you say that?” “Don’t be ridicu-lous.” “That’s stupid.”

Arguing “It wasn’t the 12th, it was the 13th.” “No, he didn’t say that.”

Negative Body Language Smirks, grimaces, eye rolling, huff-

ing, tight fists, pointing fingers, glar-ing, arm waving, etc.

Be GentleWhen the other person feels heard,

then respond with conciliatory, ap-preciative phrases:

“Honey, what would happen if . . . ?”“I’ve been thinking it would be nice

if we . . .”“Perhaps we could take turns

(choosing a movie, restaurant, put-ting the kids to bed, washing the car, cooking dinner, etc.)”

“I can see several approaches here.”“Another point of view could be . . .”“I’d like to think of it as . . . “ Realize your partner is feeling just

as disempowered in the world as you. He/she also doesn’t feel listened to or appreciated.

Allow your partner to influence you. In this way you are listening and considering various approaches. Each of you can maintain your self-respect without power struggles and avoid feeling wrong, small, discounted, unappreciated, and unloved.

When we feel powerless in the outside world, we need to be careful not to try

to enforce unwieldy power at home.

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Parents of preteens have said to me that they woke up one morning and their sweet, compliant, delightful child was gone – replaced by an angry, defiant imposter who responds sarcastically, bickers about everything, and has mood swings that put a trapeze artist to shame! Welcome to the teen years!

WHAT IS HAPPENING?If parents understand that the normal and natural job of the preteen is to move

toward independence, it can make the transition much easier for everyone. The preteen enters this transition with the goal of be-

coming a separate and unique individual, but the birth of this new autonomous person can be tough on the family.

CAUGHT IN PUSH-PULL

It helps to keep in mind that the teen is caught in a dilemma that we call “Push-

Pull”. They want you to both go away and to come close – on their terms. On the one hand, they think they are

invincible, can do every-thing for themselves, be-lieve your rules are very stupid, and feel they can do whatever they want. Simultaneously they feel scared, need you right now, ask for guidance, and feel

confused about which direction to go.

When we get caught in their push-pull, it leaves parents feeling hurt, angry, and wondering what to do.

One pitfall that parents and preteens fall into is

what we call “H.O.T.” Communication, which stands for Hostile, Op-

Where Did My

by Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT

positional, and Tiresome dialogue that springs from the child and, most often, is returned in kind by the parent.

“H.O.T. Communication occurs when we are in a part of our brain that makes us feel that we must either fight, flee, or freeze. Unlike the pre-teen, adults have learned more about self-regulation and can more quickly regain composure. This will take some time for the preteen because hormones are soaring and peer pressure is jack-ing up their feelings.

The signs of “H.O.T.” Communica-tion are both verbal and non-verbal. In fight mode, the verbal sounds like, “I hate you” while the non-verbal can look like body tension, a red face, or clenched fists. In flight mode, the verbal can sound like, “I’m out of here”, while the non-verbal is often someone walking away, eye-rolling, and refusing to talk. In freeze mode, the verbal sounds like, “Whatever”, while the non-verbal often results in arm-folding and silence.

WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE TO H.O.T. COMMUNICATION?

When working with parents and families at APPLE FamilyWorks, we suggest that the parents shift to “C.O.O.L.” Communication: Coach, Open Up, Optimize and Liberate.

COACHUntil now, you have been your

child’s manager, providing direction and managing most of their decisions. With a preteen, you make an important shift to being their coach – a less direc-

Sweet Little Darling Go?

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Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT is theDirector of Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks. She facilitates our parenting classes and specializes in working with couples and families. Call 492-0720 to schedule an appointment.

“C.O.O.L.” Steps Coach1. Calmly state the principle or value that is the basis of your discussion.

Open Up2. Help the preteen sort out solutions through listening to him/her without judgment.

Optimize3. Make the “When…Then” statement, joining the posi-tive, expected behavior with the positive outcome.

Liberate4. Make the “If…Then” state-ment, clarifying the conse-quence of choosing not to do the positive behavior.

Hang in there! This can be a time of great potential as your child grows and learns the self-regulating and problem-solving skills necessary for a happy and productive life.

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Cancer is an expensive disease that’s fraught with uncertainties.

Financial wellness in the face of cancer care requires caregivers to have their eyes wide open in understanding, planning for, and managing cash flow in otder to avoid surprises and moder-ate caregiver stress. Formal interviews with 86 cancer caregivers and patients and dozens of informal conversations described key factors that caregivers need to anticipate: potential employ-ment disruptions, health insurance, treatment and drug costs, collateral costs (for transportation, child care, lodging and meals if patient care is distant from home, and so on), and financial record-keeping.1. Employment

Diagnosis and treatment are time-consuming, with unpredictability about “when” and “how long.” For

Caregiving for a Family Memeber Who Is Severly Ill -Avoiding Financial Trials and Traps by Deborah J. Cornwall

people who don’t control their own work schedules, whether caregivers or patients, cancer’s physical and time demands may jeopardize income or even employment itself. The Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) allows patient or caregiver to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave if they work for a company with 50 or more employ-ees. Regardless of your employer’s size, talk with your supervisor directly to learn what kinds of schedule flex-ibility might be arranged and whether your company has an employee “sick leave bank” you might tap. Two useful resources for information and possible help are the Patient Advocate Founda-tion (www.patientadvocate.org) or the Cancer Legal Resource Center (www.disabilityrightslegalcenter.org). 2. Health Insurance

The Affordable Care Act, passed in

2010, contains a number of provisions in effect now to help cancer patients ensure that they have ongoing cover-age that cannot be terminated as a result of a pre-existing condition and face no lifetime reimbursement limits. By January 1, 2014, all Americans will be able to get coverage with no annual reimbursement limit, and coverage for approved clinical trials. Get a copy of the patient’s health insurance policy and review it in detail to learn:

Questions to consider to determine what kinds of services for cancer diagnosis and treatment are covered:

• For the services that are covered, what qualifiers exist regarding the set-ting/location where they are covered (inpatient? outpatient? radiation cen-ter?) and what reimbursement level

Continued on page 18

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We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to:

• Increase cooperation • Receive respect & appreciation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Get chores & homework completed• Enjoy time with your family • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities

Topics include:• Deciding your goals and principles • Listening completely • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Turning opposition into cooperation• Using the “New Time Out” • Knowing abilities & Temperament • Giving effective directions • Applying “When...Then”• Setting clear consequences • Creating charts & reinforcements

4 Mondays: April 15 - May 6, 2013 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

Therapy and Life Skills Center

Parenting Today

MommyTime Groups

Co-Parenting TodayParents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmonyand keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to:

• Reduce anxiety and depression• Deal with each other respectfully• Increase cooperation• Make co-parenting decisions calmly• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably• Manage constantly shifting schedules• Stop tantrums and dawdling• Design consequences that work• End rudeness & backtalk

Seven Evenings: Mondays April 15 - May 20, 2013

Tuesday May 28, 2013

6:30 - 8:30 p.m.

Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

familyworks.org (415) 492-0720

Call or Sign-up online

Mothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details.For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week.

• Share experiences, ideas, and support• Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness• Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

Marin Community Clinics: Spanish Speaking 10 a.m. to NoonNOVATO: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Thursdays

APPLE FamilyWorks: English Speaking 10 a.m. to NoonSAN RAFAEL: Tuesdays

For information, email [email protected]

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FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy ® (FIT) “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand” Ancient Proverb

FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) has been developed over three decades to help you and your family reach your life goals.

FamilyWorks trained therapist*, utilizing interviews and assessment tools, will guide you to establish your goals, identify your individual strengths, and note patterns, thoughts, and behaviors, which may be causing discomfort and frustration. Your therapist will meet with you, your partner or family members in our specially designed FIT suites as you learn and/or practice time-tested and effective skills.

familyworks.org (415) 492-0720

You will benefit from choices of many therapeutic approaches, which may include state of the art technology, such as the emWave® biofeedback stress relief system, one-way mirror sessions (with audio-visual feedback, and DVDs, to track and celebrate positive emotional and behavioral change). You will also benefit from easy to implement written materials to reinforce skills at work, play and home.

Therapy and Life Skills Center

Separation and Divorce Support GroupJoin other women in a supportive environment to help one another through the stages of the divorce process - from contemplation, to separation, to divorce, to “what’s next”.

Explore:• Overcoming hurt and anger• Managing anxiety and depression• Reducing stress• Handling difficult co-parenting relationships• Developing a support system

Call Julia Whitelaw at (415) 492-0720, ext. 314, or email [email protected], for more information.

When: Wedneday evenings March 24 through June 12, 6 p.m. to 8 p.m.Location: APPLE FamilyWorks, 4 Joseph Ct. San Rafael, CA.$25 per session. 8 week commitment necessary.

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APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life.

We welcome you to join us in:• Resolving conflicts • Dealing with anxiety • Coping with transitions• Overcoming depression • Managing ADHD & ODD • Managing anger• Managing grief & loss • Improving intimacy • Regulating emotions • Enhancing social skills • Overcoming addictions • Enhancing Co-Parenting• Insuring mutual respect • Coping with separation & divorce • Reducing domestic violence

Adult and Family Therapy Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased

understanding, empathy, and cooperation.

familyworks.org (415) 492-0720

APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which

best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional well-being, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

Child and Teen Therapy

Therapy and Life Skills Center

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Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Independent Living Skills

Parenting Support Services• Parenting and co-parenting

• Childbirth education

• Child development and family planning

• Behavior management and stress reduction

• Early intervention in postpartum depression

• Positive and peaceful discipline

• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise

• Household management, and transportation

• Financial management and budgeting

• Development of social support systems

• Linkage with others services

• Academic growth

• Behavior management

• Stress Reduction skills

• Injury prevention

• Nutrition

• Health promotion and exercise

• Hygiene and self-care

• Housekeeping

• Transportation skills

• Community access

• Employment readiness

• Financial management and budgeting

• Development of social support Systems

CPR & First Aid Classes

familyworks.org (415) 492-0720

Serving eleven greater Bay Area Counties

Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.

Saturdays: CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PMFirst Aid - 1:15 to 4 PMApril 13 or June 8, 2013

Therapy and Life Skills Center

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Autodesk proudly supportsAPPLE FamilyWorks.

Autodesk is a registered trademark of Autodesk, Inc., and/or its subsidiaries and/or affiliates in the USA and/or other countries. © 2012 Autodesk, Inc. All rights reserved.

www.bankofmarin.com | Member FDIC

Making a Difference

At Bank of Marin you’ll bank with people who share your same values and commitment to the community. We invite you to get to know us.

Call:

(415) 492-0720or get more info at

familyworks.org

Parenting Consultation 4U&

Co-parenting Consultation 4U

Individualized

Parenting Guidance

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Busting Myths About Sleep

By Patty Tucker, PA-C

Healthy sleep is an essential need in all of our lives, and with it, we are healthier and happier. The Family Sleep Institute busts five sleep myths to help families get better sleep in 2013.

Lately we’ve all been hearing and reading a lot about how to get better sleep; and that’s a good thing. Sleep is important. Right up there with exer-cise and good nutrition, sleep rounds

out “The Big Three” of how to stay healthy and live a long time.

We’ve been told over and over that our bedrooms should be cool, dark and quiet. We know we should have a rou-tine and to go to bed at the same time each night. We know we shouldn’t eat a big meal too close to bedtime. We know these things by now -- don’t we?

But there are other things about sleep we think we know that may not necessarily be so… Here are 5 Sleep Myths we’d like to bust right now:

“Falling asleep before my head hits the pillow is a sign of healthy, normal sleep.”

Not necessarily so. Normally it takes 10-20 minutes to fall asleep. Falling asleep immediately is more likely a sign of sleep deprivation, a signal your body needs more sleep than you’ve been getting lately.

“I sleep great; like a log, never moving or waking once during the night.”

Actually, waking 1-3 times during the night is normal. A night of healthy

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Busting Myths About Sleep

sleep is composed of four to five sleep cycles. Between each of these cycles, we naturally come very close to wak-ing or actually wake up completely. We may roll over or adjust the covers. Often, the time we are awake is so short we don’t notice or remember it in the morning. Other times we are more aware. Waking in the night is only considered a “problem” when you have regular difficulty getting back to sleep; again in 10-20 minutes or so.

“I don’t get much sleep during the work week but I make up for it on the weekend by sleeping in and taking long naps.”

You may be able to pay off a little of your accumulated sleep debt this way, but it’s still not the same as getting adequate sleep on a regular basis. If your body needs eight hours of sleep and you get only six each night of the week, you are 10 hours in debt by Fri-day. Most sleep experts agree that you may be able to pay off sleep debt by adding an hour or two of sleep to your nightly quota on a regular basis for awhile, but sleeping in huge chunks is just as likely to disturb your circa-dian rhythms, making it even harder to maintain regular schedules in the future. Imagine if you ate nothing but salads Monday through Friday and then gorged yourself on everything in the cupboard on the weekends. You might average out your weekly calorie

count this way, but could you really think it is a healthy way to eat? Sleep is like that too…

“The sleep aids you can get at the drugstore -- usually called Something PM -- are safe and effective.”

Most over the counter sleep drugs contain an antihistamine, usually diphenhydramine (Benadryl(R)). Di-phenhydramine can certainly knock you out, but it’s not the same as normal sleep. From time to time, it may be better than nothing, say if you have severe allergies keeping you awake, but regular use of these products can rob you of the repairing, restorative sleep process you really need. Also, antihistamines can leave you groggy and fuzzy headed during the day. They increase the risk of falls in the elderly. They can lead to urinary retention or stress incontinence. There are other bothersome side effects and taking them regularly can become habit forming.

“I get by just fine on six hours of sleep.”

We frequently hear this myth spoken out loud; predictably by busy entre-preneurs or active social butterflies. The truth is the typical human body requires between seven and nine hours* of sleep time each night to repair the damage done, restore the chemicals depleted, and rebalance

the chaos created during the average day. Genetic research has shown that only 3% of people truly thrive on six hours of sleep or less. The rest are merely “getting by…” Is that what we’re striving for? Getting by?? Or do we want to grow, thrive, and excel? For that we truly need the foundation of sleep – seven to nine hours of it every night.

Children and teens need even more.So, tonight as you follow your bed-

time ritual, tend to your cool, dark and quiet sleep sanctuary and slip gently into your slumber, you can rest more easily knowing you now know the difference between many sleep myths and sleep truths. Before morn-ing comes, let’s see what else we can dream up!

Best Wishes for Peaceful Sleep!

Patty Tucker, PA-C, Sleep Coach and Consultant and Adjunct Faculty of the Family Sleep Institute, is a gradu-ate of the Stanford School of Medicine Physician Assistant Program. The Family Sleep Institute is the very first comprehensive yet affordable child sleep consultant certification program based on 15 years of experience by the leading Child Sleep Expert, Deborah Pedrick. The Family Sleep Institute lives up to its name, as it is truly a “family” to all graduates who go through the program.

Sleep is important. Right up there with exercise and

good nutrition, sleep rounds out “The Big Three” of

how to stay healthy and live a long time.

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exists for each? Verify down to the level of the individual practitioner and the specific service location, since occasionally coding details may make the difference in whether a particular service, at a particular location, by a particular practitioner, is or isn’t cov-ered by a given insurance company.

• What pre-authorizations might be needed and from whom for a service or drug to be covered? What require-ments or restrictions about where to obtain needed drugs (Cancer Center, oncologist, pharmacy, mail order, other)? For example, if an oral chemo drug is prescribed, ensure that it’s covered before filling the prescrip-tion because coverage policies vary widely.

• What deductibles and co-pays might be required from you to accompany the insurance payments? A compre-hensive list of questions to guide insurance fact-finding can be found at the website for the American Society for Clinical Oncology (www.ASCO.org), under the tab for Managing Costs of Cancer Care. Some disabled indi-viduals may be covered under Medi-care (Call 1-800-MEDICARE and ask for transfer to an ombudsman.), and low-income patients may be covered under Medicaid (www.medicaid.gov).3. Treatment and Drug Costs

Breakthroughs in treatment and im-proved quality-of-life are advancing through the research pipeline every day, but they’re quickly increasing potential costs. Once you’ve settled insurance coverage questions, be sure to investigate financial resources that might be available to help cover treat-

ment co-pays, deductibles, and drugs. The first place to look (after asking your medical care team about possible local resources) may be the Partner-ship for Prescription Assistance, created by pharmaceutical research companies, which catalogs 475 public and private programs, including nearly 200 provided by pharmaceutical companies themselves. These can be accessed online at www.pparx.org or by phone at 1-888-4PPA-NOW. 4. Collateral Expenses

Collateral expenses are usually a function of how far you must travel to reach the cancer center where treat-ment will be delivered. Even a 20-mile commute into a major city can incur significant expenses in the form of gasoline, parking charges, and on-site caregiver meals. One significant resource to tap (especially for rou-tine chemo or radiation visits) is the American Cancer Society’s Road to Recovery Program, which taps volun-

teer drivers to provide transportation. Call 1-800-ACS-2345 or go to www.cancer.org to schedule rides. For parking and meal support, some ma-jor cancer centers provide financial assistance or discounts, which can be accessed through the patient navigator or social work departments. Housing for those traveling to distant locations is often a major challenge. First, check with your physician’s office and the cancer center’s patient navigator or social services department to see if there is an American Cancer Society Hope Lodge (1-800-ACS-2345) or other free housing facility that can be booked through hospital channels. Other housing resources may be found through National Hospital Hospital-ity Homes (1-800-542-9730), Joe’s House (www.joeshouse.org/lodging), or religious organizations in the target city.5. Personal Record Keeping

However well healthcare providers

Caregiving for a Family Member Who Is Severely Illcontinued from page 10

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San Marin Drama Scores Four Medals

coordinate in delivering professional services, their billing practices will remind you that they’re administra-tively distinct. You will receive bills and insurance statements from or about individual providers (surgeon, oncologist, radiologist, anesthesiolo-gist, hospital for facilities and equip-ment, and so on) whose names you don’t even recognize. The volume of mail you’ll receive as you’re jug-gling a flurry of hands-on care-giving activities may tempt you to leave the pile for later. Experienced caregivers say, “Don’t!” Not only might you miss a time-sensitive communication from an insurer that could influence whether or not coverage is sustained or a particular service is covered, but the more you let the paperwork pile up, the more difficult it will be to get it under control later. Think “Flood Warning!” and start bailing as soon as the flow of paper begins. Experienced caregivers also recommend that you set up files, computer spreadsheets,

and a notebook for keeping track of each service in terms of (at least):• Date• Provider• Cost, amount billed to the insurer, amount of your co-pay (for tax pur-poses), remaining balance (if any).• Date submitted to insurance and date you received explanation of benefits.• Mileage/parking costs (recorded in a small spiral notebook kept in the car, again for tax purposes).

Most of the statements you receive will be informational only (called EOB, or Explanations of Benefits) and won’t be invoices, at least at first. You will want to group paperwork for the same procedure and service date together to make it easier to match the explanations of benefits (from insurer) with the bills you’ll receive later. In addition, you may want to keep a separate record of all household bills

that are paid online, together with the website, log-in name and passwords, credit card number used for each, and so on, so that another member of the care-giving team or a friend can keep the routine bills paid for you if for some reason you can’t do it yourself.

Cancer care is costly, stressful, and unpredictable. Knowing what finan-cial factors to plan for can reduce one source of stress and help minimize financial shocks. That’s what financial wellness is all about.

Deborah J. Cornwall is an experi-enced advocate on behalf of cancer patients and their families, working with the Cancer Action Network, the legislative advocacy affiliate of the American Cancer Society. She is the author of Things I Wish I’d Known: Cancer Caregivers Speak Out. For more information or to purchase the book, go to www.thingsiwishidknown.com.

Cast members of Novato’s San Marin Advanced Drama

San Marin Advanced Drama’s hard work paid off with two gold medals and two silver medals at the 57th annual Lenaea Drama Festival at Folsom Lake College (Feb 1-3 2013).

Gold Medal winners, Kyra Nilsen (monologue from

The Laramie Project by Moises Kaufman) and Julia Raven and Jack Tooley (scene from Biloxi Blues by Neil Simon) presented their outstanding work in front of 1200 participants at a Command Performance Sunday night, February 3.

Silver Medals were awarded to Liam Hoefer and Roslyn Myr (scene from Proof by David Auburn) and Kali Grimaldi (monologue from Pterodactyls by Nicky Silver ) for their excellent performances. All 23 students performed their one-act play, CSI:Neverland by Wade Bradford to an enthusi-astic audience who couldn’t stop laughing.

San Marin Drama teacher, Linda Kislingbury says, “I am so proud of all these students. They have been perfecting their scenes, and mono-logues, and play for several months.”

Don’t miss this talented group of San Marin Drama students in this spring’s drama produc-tion of Kaufman and Hart’s, The Man Who Came to Dinner May 3, 4, 6, 10, 11, 13, 2013.

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5 Super Powers Available to Teens

Heroic Abilities Aren’t Exclusive to Comics

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Cynical adults may sneer when they say, “Youth is wasted on the young.” But young world-traveler Ryan Pearson sees a more positive message in George Bernard Shaw’s often repeated quote.

“I see it as meaning that youth is an opportunity to seize direction, enlightenment, significance and to expand one’s powers,” says Pearson, author of “Green Hope” from “The Element Series,” (www.theelementsseries.com), about a teenager blessed with wealth and fame who discovers he has the added responsibility of super powers.

“It’s sad that so many teens get sidetracked by try-ing to fit in with a crowd, or worrying that they don’t measure up somehow. At a time when they should be enjoying a new sense of independence and capabili-ties, they’re often paralyzed by self-doubt.”

Pearson says all teens have super powers – they just need to recognize them:• Your inner “mutant”:

Many teens like to make a big deal out of not caring what others think about them, precisely because they care about what everyone thinks of them. This can make them sensitive and anxious about how they ex-press themselves and what they enjoy, from what they wear to the music they like to the grades they earn. Embrace what sets you apart! No one else in the world is quite like you. Explore your interests and find what you love – whether or not it’s what other teens love. You’ll get a head start on developing valuable skills.• “Punisher” fitness training:

You don’t have to be built like the renowned vigi-lante from the Marvel universe, but you’ll look your best – and feel your best – if you establish a good

exercise routine now. Not only will working out give you a nice physique, it’s a good way to reduce stress and it even gives you a natural high thanks to the release of endorphins ( chemicals that make your brain happy).• Batman’s first rule in fighting:

Despite the fact that it would make his crime fight-ing much, much easier, the Caped Crusader absolutely refuses to use guns. That’s because a deranged criminal with a gun, shot and killed Bruce Wayne’s parents when he was a child. The result is that his fighting methods are more moral and creative, and he always knows what to do when a quick decision is needed. Getting into the habit of making your own decisions based on your values and your understanding of right or wrong, instead of following the crowd, will help make even the hardest choices easier.• Cultivate your “spidey” senses:

Teens are naturally impatient, impulsive and impetu-ous. Slow down! Take your time on the road, in relation-ships, during confrontations and when contemplating big decisions. Part of why Spider-Man is so fast is that time slows for him during tense situations. Likewise, teens who can slow down emotionally-driven decisions and better understand their consequences, much like a “spidey” sense, will make wiser ones.• Know your kryptonite:

Some kids just seem to have it all: academic excel-lence, athletic accomplishments, popularity, and a clear complexion to boot. But everyone has his/her limits, like Superman’s kryptonite. Knowing your limits and learning how to work around them (or strengthen them) is a lifelong challenge for everyone.

After completing a Bachelor of Laws degree at age 21, Ryan Pearson took a leap of faith by leaving the beautiful beaches of Australia to travel the world. Eventually, he landed in Montreal for several years before returning home to write about his adventures. He overcame many challenging personal experiences and now embraces an audacious new lifestyle. Pearson writes about his own character arc – involving a su-pernatural and overzealous way of life – via character Reagan Jameson.

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Schools are always in need of parent helpers in the form of volunteers. But with employment and parenting pressures, it can be difficult to take the time to cut out fall leaves for the Kindergarten classroom. But volunteering for your child’s school does more than help out a busy teacher and give you a warm, fuzzy feeling. Many studies on the effect of parental and community involvement in school have shown an academic benefit for students. The evidence is consistent: students whose parents volunteer in the school setting have been shown to earn higher grades and test scores, have better social skills, and tend to pursue higher education.

“The importance of parents volunteering in the classroom is that it helps the child know that the parent is interested in him/her and invested in the child’s education,” said Jim Groth, a member of the California Teachers’ Association Board of Directors and elementary school teacher.

Parental involvement in the school does change according to the age and grade level of the student, from helping with craft projects in elementary to selling popcorn at the high school football game. Here’s a breakdown:Elementary

In elementary school parent volunteers can often help directly in the classroom. Kids of elementary school age

Volunteering at Your Child’s School

love seeing Mommy or Daddy interacting in their own class, and as a parent, this can be a valuable opportunity to put faces to the names of the kids your child talks about at the dinner table. Other benefits include seeing how the classroom operates, how your child interacts with others, and getting a sense of the teacher’s style. Getting to know—and be known—by the school office staff is helpful as well.Middle school

When children enter middle school, parents often stop volunteering in the school. Opportunities are still available, but are different from elementary school. Classrooms are usually closed to parent helpers at the higher grade levels. (Not to mention the fact that many tweens and teens would be mortified by Mom or Dad showing up in their classroom.) In middle school, help is still needed in the areas of fundraising and in parent-teacher organizations. Just by being involved, you show your child that school is important. Plus, by being in the school, you can pick up information to help in guiding your child. High School

Once children enter high school, parents are rel-egated to a more supportive role. Volunteering at school events or being involved in fundraising, shows that you care about your child’s world. Volunteering also models community involvement. Parents who lead by example tend to have kids who grow up to be involved in their own communities.Tips for volunteering

• Spend your time with students equally; try not to favor your own child.• Respect the teacher’s rules. If your child or another student asks to go to the bathroom, etc., refer them to the teacher. This is important for safety. The teacher needs to be aware of where students are at all times.• Minimize disruptions. If your child wants to run up and hug you or crawl into your lap, gently guide

By Tiffany Doerr Guerzon

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them back to their assigned task. Avoid texting or answering cell phone calls unless absolutely necessary.• Sign up early if possible. Most schools have a background check and/or paperwork that must be completed before parents are allowed to interact with students. • Confirm with older kids, the level of parental involvement with which they are comfortable. Many teens and tweens regard school as their turf, and they may be happier if you stay behind the scenes.

If you are unable to volunteer dur-

ing school hours: • Check with teachers or office staff about tasks that can be completed at home. Teachers often need help with daily tasks, or you could help with the school newsletter or website.• Attend parent-teacher conferences and open houses. Nothing can replace face time with your child’s teacher. • Join the PTA or Parents Club. Meetings keep you in touch with what is going on behind the scenes of the school and you can voice your opinion on school matters.• Be involved at home by talking to your child about school, helping with homework and monitoring after school activities.• Offer your talents. If you work in marketing, maybe you can help with flyers. If you are an artist, perhaps a teacher could use a hand with art projects. Are you a great cook? Of-fer to organize a potluck dinner for teachers and staff on the nights they work late for conferences or donate cupcakes to the school bake sale.

For more information: www.PTA.org

Tiffany Doerr Guerzon is a free-lance writer and mother of three school age children. Read more of her writing at www.TDGuerzon.com.

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