fwm 2013 07

Summer 2013 1familyworks.org Magazine

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Content is the responsibility of APPLE FamilyWorks

Published by Therapy & Life Skills Center

familyworks.org 415-492-0720

Summer 2013

Magazine

Conquering Freshman

Crunch TimeSUGGESTED DONATION: $6 ADULT $3 CHILDREN

24 SCREENINGS / 7 parks / 5 cities

www.filmnight.org • facebook.com/filmnight

A PROJECT OF APPLE FAMILYWORKS • FESTIVAL SPONSOR: MARIN SANITARY SERVICE

FILM NIGHT

IN

THE

PARK

2013

June • SEPTEMber

See Program Inside

2 Summer 2013 familyworks.org Magazine

APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: [email protected]

Sponsorship Information: Lew Tremaine

Phone: (415) 492-1022 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2013 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: [email protected].

Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-SmithEditor & Design: Lew TremaineCopy Editors: Pat Saunders Diana WilkinsWebsite: Lew TremaineWeb Publisher: Art SeverePrinted by: S.W. Offset

APPLE FamilyWorks® Board of Directors:Anjana Berde, PresidentRita Trumbo, Vice PresidentMark Clark, SecretaryMaria Villani, Treasurer

APPLE FamilyWorks3 Parenting Programs

4 Therapy Programs

6 A look at the Technology and Media Habits of Today’s Teens By Alexander Stormer

8 Conquering Crunch Time By Dottie DeHart

10 When Compliments Backfire By Kemar Sathy

13 Film Night in the Park 2013 Program

38 Local Authors Craft Children’s Book for Parents, Too By Lew Tremaine

40 Think You’re Healthy: Would You Know if You Weren’t? By Ginny Grimsley

This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license.

Content is the responsibility of FamilyWorks.

awarded to

FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks®

42 Five Reasons Kids Might Not Ask for Help When Being Bullied by Cher Murphy

44 Stepmom’s Nightmare by Gary Direnfeld

APPLE FamilyWorks46 Parenting Support and Independent Living Skills

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Summer 2013

Magazine


FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy ® (FIT) “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand” Ancient Proverb

FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) has been developed over three decades to help you and your family reach your life goals.

FamilyWorks trained therapist*, utilizing interviews and assessment tools, will guide you to establish your goals, identify your individual strengths, and note patterns, thoughts, and behaviors, which may be causing discomfort and frustration. Your therapist will meet with you, your partner or family members in our specially designed FIT suites as you learn and/or practice time-tested and effective skills.

familyworks.org (415) 492-0720

You will benefit from choices of many therapeutic approaches, which may include state of the art technology, such as the emWave® biofeedback stress relief system, one-way mirror sessions (with audio-visual feedback, and DVDs, to track and celebrate positive emotional and behavioral change). You will also benefit from easy to implement written materials to reinforce skills at work, play and home.

Therapy and Life Skills Center

MommyTime GroupsMothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details.For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week.

• Share experiences, ideas, and support• Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness• Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

Marin Community Clinics: Spanish Speaking 10 a.m. to NoonNOVATO: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Thursdays

APPLE FamilyWorks: English Speaking 10 a.m. to NoonSAN RAFAEL: Tuesdays

For information, email [email protected]


We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to:

• Increase cooperation • Receive respect & appreciation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Get chores & homework completed• Enjoy time with your family • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities

Topics include:• Deciding your goals and principles • Listening completely • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Turning opposition into cooperation• Using the “New Time Out” • Knowing abilities & Temperament • Giving effective directions • Applying “When...Then”• Setting clear consequences • Creating charts & reinforcements

Friday July 26 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included


Parenting Today

Co-Parenting Today


Call or Sign-up online

At APPLE FamilyWorks, we know that parenting presents many challenges and can sometimes leave parents scratching their heads for new ideas. Our parenting classes teach an approach that makes the job of raising children fun and gratifying while reducing the tensin and frustration often experienced.

Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmonyand keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to:

Friday August 29 a.m. to 3 p.m.

• Reduce anxiety and depression• Deal with each other respectfully• Increase cooperation• Make co-parenting decisions calmly• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably

• Manage constantly shifting schedules• Stop tantrums and dawdling• Design consequences that work• End rudeness & backtalk

CPR & First Aid ClassesLearn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion. Call for dates and times.

Friday July 26 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

And


APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, har-mony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life. We welcome you to join us in:• Resolving conflicts • Dealing with anxiety • Coping with transitions• Overcoming depression • Managing ADHD & ODD • Managing anger• Managing grief & loss • Improving intimacy • Regulating emotions • Enhancing social skills • Overcoming addictions • Enhancing Co-Parenting• Insuring mutual respect • Coping with separation & divorce • Reducing domestic violence


APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which

best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional well-being, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

Child and Teen Therapy


Adult and Family Therapy Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.


A Look at the Technology and Media Habits of Today’s Teensby Alexander Stromer

Wikia, the world’s leading collaborative media company and home to many of the Web’s largest pop culture communities, today released findings from a study conducted among its 13-18 year-old users in association with Ipsos MediaCT “GenZ: The Limitless Generation” exploring the complex behaviors of teens and technology. According to the online survey, Wikia found its GenZ users say they are more actively connected now than they were just three months ago, giving a glimpse into a constantly connected, complex demographic that is changing more quickly than any generation before them.

The extensive online survey of more than 1,200 U.S. Wikia users aged 13 to 18, better known as Generation Z, uncovers distinct trends in how today’s youth is connected nearly all waking hours of the day; engaging

with open-platform communication and information sharing. The study shows what social sites these GenZers are visiting the most, the reasons they are using specific online sources, reasons why they are contributing to websites, and how they see technology as a vital part of their future. Additionally, the results unveil the gender gap within our youngest generation, as well as the influence they have on purchase decisions within their households.

“As the father of an upcoming GenZer, and through my experience creating and developing collaborative publishing platforms, it is clear that this generation is using technology in a way that is smarter, more involved and beneficial to their future,” said Jimmy Wales, Co-Founder, Wikia. “Everyone can learn from

the ways in which this unbounded, younger

generation interacts with technology and are able to quickly adapt to this rapidly changing media landscape.”

GenZers (ages 13-18) represent 8.3% of

the total U.S. population according to the 2010 Census. ComScore estimates that this segment represents an even larger proportion of users on Wikia (16.8%) – a platform with usage by over 70 million global

collaborators.Highlighted trends

revealed by the survey include:

These GenZers report spending almost every waking hour online (some even while at church!):• All (100%) are connected for 1+ hours per day, but

about half (46%) are


connected 10+ hours per day.• One-in-four (25%) are actively connected (checking email, messages, etc.) within five minutes of waking up, while nearly three-in-four (73%) are connected in an hour or less.• There are few “sacred” times away from technology. Three-in-five (63%) say they are “unplugged” during work/school. However, only 44% say they are “unplugged” while at religious services, 44% say they are “unplugged” while doing homework/studying and 45% say they are ”unplugged” while playing sports/exercising.• Nearly half (47%) say they are more actively connected now than they were three months ago. Two-in-five (41%) say their connectivity is about the same and only 12% say they are less actively connected. Among those who say their tablet is the most useful device they own, 63% say they are more actively connected now than three months ago.• Nine-in-ten of these GenZers (93%) say they visit YouTube at least once a week and 54% visit multiple times per day, while just 65% say they visit Facebook weekly and only 38% visit multiple times per day. Other social media services some visit on a weekly basis are Twitter (26%), Google+ (26%), and Instagram (17%).

Some contribute to share their knowledge, others just like to share their opinions with others:• Among those who contribute to websites, 60% like to share their knowledge with others and 55% say they like to share their opinion with others. • Only 31% of those who contribute to websites do so in order to feel good about themselves, and even fewer do so to show that they are smarter than others (14%).• The top two reasons for contributing are that doing so is entertaining and fun (70%) and that they like to learn new things (64%).• Three-quarters (76%) agree that their experience with technology will help them reach their goals. Two-thirds (66%) agree that technology makes them feel like anything is possible. Less than half (43%) agree that they value the time when they’re unplugged.

• Their influence on friends & family purchase decisions vary by category. When it comes to entertainment, they influence parents most for movies (16% say they influence their parents “ a lot” when it comes to movies) and friends most for video games (38% say they influence their friends “a lot” when it comes to video games). • These GenZers have especially strong influence on packaged/fast foods and technology brands: 47% say their advice has had “a lot” or “a little” influence on a purchase of Apple® iPad®, 40% say the same for OREO®, 40% for SUBWAY®, 38% for DORITOS®, 36% for MOUNTAIN DEW®, and 35% for Pizza Hut®. Low on their list are eco-friendly products and wholesome foods or beverages.“This study into Generation Z is important because it allows us to share with marketers and advertisers the user habits of this highly engaged, highly active section of our growing community,” said Jennifer Betka, SVP of Marketing at Wikia. “This study emphasizes how teens are engaging, contributing, sharing and learning on open platforms in pursuit of greater potential and connectedness.”

About the Study“GenZ: The Limitless Generation – A Survey of the

13-18 Year-Old Wikia Audience” was conducted online by Ipsos MediaCT from December 17, 2012 to February 4, 2013 with 1,203 Wikia users aged 13-18 (GenZ). Respondents were recruited to take an online survey via banner advertisements on the various Wikia.com sites and via direct emails sent by Wikia to registered users

of the community. To qualify for the survey, respondents needed to be

residents of the United States. Statistical margins of error are not applicable to online polls. All sample surveys and polls

may be subject to other sources of error, including, but not limited to coverage error and measurement error.


The wait is almost over. In just seven days, your first semester of college will begin. Before you sit down in that first class, here are fifteen

must-dos to guarantee you the best possible semester:

1. Figure out where you’re going and how you’re going to get there. Your college experience will be off to a bad start if you discover on the first day that there are no spaces left in Lot 32 or that the bus doesn’t stop at Lincoln Street and Nebraska Avenue. Always have a Plan A and a Plan B in regards to transportation. And while you’re at it, figure out where your classes are going to meet. You wouldn’t want to show up at 411 Old Main, only to find the class is at 411 New Main.

2. Figure out where you’re going to eat. Are you going to be taking lunch to classes, hitting up the dining hall, or going back to your dorm or apartment to eat? And what about Sunday nights, when (for who knows what reason) the food service in the dorms is closed? Hey, you can’t do this college thing without proper nourishment.

3. Plan an exercise routine. Colleges invest gazillions of dollars in world-class exercise facilities. Go over to one of them, pick up a barbell, and imagine yourself doing this three times a week. (At least you’ll have a sound body in which to preserve your, we hope, sound mind.)

4. Get some proper beverage equipment. Almost every lecture or discussion section will go better with a piping hot caffeinated drink. So hoof on over to the local superstore or coffee bistro and buy the biggest spill-proof stainless steel thermos you can find. Even if the lectures are not so hot, at least you’ll be awake and not spilling coffee on the legs of your pants (or worse). (Non-coffee-drinkers should consider tea, vitamin water, or whatever your favorite non-caffeinated beverage is.)

5. Buy the tomes. Get the list of required textbooks from either your college bookstore or online course page. Then check out prices at both brick-and-mortar bookstores and online sites (including marketplace and book-renting sites).5-Star Tip: For all book modalities (print, e-, and

rentals), check out the aggregators (sometimes called meta-sites). These are websites that compare the prices of many other bookselling websites. Two we especially like are www.cheapesttextbooks.com and www.bigwords.com (others include www.bestpricebooks.com, www.campusbooks.com, www.textbooks.com, and, for rentals, www.textbookrentals.com).Best-Kept Secret: Many “classic” books are

available for free on the web, thanks to Project Gutenberg, www.gutenberg.org. See if your book is one of them.

6. Start calendaring. Get a good electronic or print calendar and start entering your time commitments right away: when your classes meet, when you plan to study, what the assignments are, and

Conquering Freshman CrunchTime:

Fifteen Things to Do the

Week Before College

by Dottie DeHart


when they’re due (often, these dates can be found in advance on the course web page). Some e-calendars we like are Google Calendar, iStudiez, AirSet, 30 Boxes, and iCal (for Mac). Of course, if you have an iPad or iPhone, do your calendaring there.

7. Get some apps. If you’re one of the 100 million or so people worldwide who own an iPhone, you’ll want to get some apps especially tailored to college. Some we like include:

• iStudiez Pro (organizing your schedule)• Pocket Lists (to-do lists)• Evernote (note taking)• Wikipanion (Wikipedia)• Mental Case and Flashcards++ (flashcards)• Chegg (study help)• Graphing Calculator (just like the handheld model, and includes screenshots)• The Chemical Touch (periodic table)• Instapaper (stores web pages)• iTranslator (translations for your language courses)• Dictionary.com (lots of words you don’t know)• Blackboard Learn (hooks up with your school’s course management and grade reporting system)• My GPA Calculator (includes “what if” scenarios so you can fantasize about getting an A in that killer statistics course).

8. Get the word. You’ll need a password to access the university portal (which is where you’ll find course web pages, library e-resources, your enrollment status and grades, and online registration in semesters to come). Get it now if you can; if not, take the time to think of a secure password. Also take advantage of your free university e-mail account: professors will be happier getting papers from [email protected] than from [email protected].

9. Visit the books—including the electronic ones. Make your way over to the library and see where the books and journals are shelved. And while you’re at it, look at the electronic resources at your library’s home page. See how the databases and e-resources are organized (many college web portals have very useful “top 10 lists”) and imagine yourself actually using them. With any luck, you will.

10. Scout out the services. When you have some extra time, take a self-guided campus tour and check out the various “offices”: advising center; writing center; math and computer labs; tutoring center; and centers for nontraditional students, first-generation students, international students, single parents, and veterans. Hey, who knows, you might actually want to use one someday!

11. Find yourself a cave. You won’t want to spend much time during the semester trying, then retrying, all kinds of study places. Figure out where you think you’ll study best, then christen this place as your study spot. Maybe it’s a lounge in your dorm, a secluded corner of the library, or even your own desk.

12. Rein in the folks. Set some limits on your parents, especially if your dad—or mom—is the type who’ll be texting you the two hours a day that he or she isn’t calling you. Also, up the privacy settings on your Facebook page if your parents err on the side of intrusive—or if you think you’ll have stuff going on that you don’t want to become a family affair. You might prohibit them from posting messages on your wall or tagging you in family photos—or refuse to “friend” them altogether. (Of course, if they’re paying for your college and they know the ins and outs of Facebook, your folks might not be all that happy about your banning them from your page—so use your best judgment!)

You won’t want to spend much time during the semester trying, then retrying, all kinds of study places. Figure out where you think you’ll study best, then christen this place as your study spot.

continued on page 45


How to Give the Right Compliments to KidsBy Kumar Sathy

When ComplimentsBackfire:


“You are so good at that!” you announce to the child, firmly believing that this warm praise is going to boost the child’s self-esteem

and increase performance. But in study after study, and book after book, the widely accepted consensus is that complimenting your kids could actually decrease performance, especially if you are dishing out the wrong type of compliments.

The compliments that the majority of us are accustomed to exclaiming when a child does something notable are precisely the type of compliments that can have unintended side effects. Studies suggest that complimenting children this way can lead to a mindset that intelligence and certain admirable qualities are innate, or fixed, and kids either have them or they don’t. One study demonstrated that kids who performed well on an easy test and were told, “You must be smart at this,” subsequently chose an easier test when given an option of two more tests to complete, while ninty percent of the students praised for effort voluntarily chose the more difficult test.

Fixed compliments are counterproductive.Here are some examples of these dangerous fixed

compliments that paint a picture of innate traits:• You’re so smart!• You’re great at math!• You’re so good at writing!• You’re such a talented artist!• You’re a great reader!That last one is especially counter productive, and it

becomes exceedingly clear once we follow the life of a well-intentioned compliment. First, you notice how well your child or student read and comprehended a particular paragraph. You say, “You’re a great reader!” The child absorbs this information, and if he or she is young enough, believes it. Sounds great, right? The problem is that’s just the beginning.

Studies suggest that once children have internalized this type of compliment and truly believe they are “great” at something, they not only put less effort into the task the next time (because they are clearly naturally talented at it), but as indicated above, they actually avoid more challenging tasks that employ that skill in the future. Perhaps most shocking is the mix of helplessness, self-blame, and vulnerability children experience when a challenging task leads them to question the validity of fixed compliments, as evidenced in a study published in the journal, Developmental Psychology.

What are we to do about all this? I know that abandoning compliments is a hard sell. As indicated in

the book, NurtureShock: New Thinking about Children, one psychologist has even suggested that the infatuation with compliments is correlated with parents’ pride in their children’s accomplishments. Yes, abandoning compliments may seem like an unrewarding, strange, and terrifying proposition, but it’s actually not the answer.

If you catch yourself making the mistake of complimenting a child or student for qualities that sound fixed or innate, and starting compliments with phrases like, “You’re so good at…” or “You’re such a great…” then there’s an exceedingly simple fix, even if you don’t believe any of the studies that have been conducted about the negative long-term effects of such compliments.

Compliment and praise children for their persistance, not how good they are at something.

A dangerous compliment like, “You’re so good at drawing,” easily turns into “I love how hard you are trying to draw a car that looks realistic!” Just don’t go overboard. Author and social psychologist Timothy Wilson suggest you use “minimally sufficient” compliments that are just strong enough to reinforce the activity, but not so strong that the child only works hard because he wants your compliments and praise. A compliment like, “You are awesome at multiplication,” fraught with adverse consequences, can easily be changed to, “I really like watching you work so hard on memorizing your multiplication tables. It means a lot to me that you don’t give up on it.”

That way, the next time your “talented artist” struggles continued on page 12

When Compliments Compliment and praise

children for their persistance, not how good they

are at something.


with a very basic drawing task, his internal narrative won’t be about how talented he is at drawing, but about how continues to learn how to draw. When your “awesome multiplier” somehow forgets a few basic single-digit multiplication facts at school, she won’t doubt the sincerity of your praise or resign to the notion that she is awful at multiplication because her internal narrative, the one you helped her construct, reminds her that the thing that makes her special when it comes to multiplication is not how great she is at it, but how hard she tries at it and how much she doesn’t give up on it.

Complimenting and praising hard work and perseverance is such a simple request that even those who look at the above-mentioned studies on compliments with skepticism and disbelief can still accept that it is a reasonable, beneficial request with no adverse

When Compliments Backfireconsequences. Even if some of us disagree with the idea of abandoning compliments about fixed qualities (e.g. “You’re so smart”), we can all agree that it is important to encourage effort in children.

For whatever reason, reflexively telling a kid that he or she is smart or good at something is a deeply embedded habit that will be tough to break and convert into compliments about effort and hard work. I catch myself making the mistake just about every day that I work with kids. Breaking habits, even when the new habit is ridiculously easy to implement, can be quite the challenge. When you give it a shot and notice how hard it is to make the switch, just know that I love how hard you are trying to compliment children for things they can control versus things that are fixed, innate qualities.

Kumar Sathy is an educator and author of Attack of the Chicken Nugget Man: A National Test Prep Adventure. See www.BeyondTestPrep.com.

continued from page 11

Thank you

for funding anotheryear of

WHAT’s UP?after school life skills classes


SUGGESTED DONATION: $6 ADULT $3 CHILDREN

24 SCREENINGS / 7 parks / 5 cities

www.filmnight.org • facebook.com/filmnight

A PROJECT OF APPLE FAMILYWORKS • FESTIVAL SPONSOR: MARIN SANITARY SERVICE

FILM NIGHT IN

THE

PARK

2013

June • SEPTEMber


2

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How to get to our Home Venue

San Anselmo Creek Park

Film Night in the Park EtiquettePillows, sleeping bags, blankets and low chairs are recommended to enhance your comfort. Tall chairs block the views of others.Please leave San Anselmo Avenue parking spaces open for use by the patrons of downtown businesses.Film Night suggests that you leave your pets at home.Food and beverages are welcome and we encourage you to try the take-out menus of the many great restaurants near our venues.Film Night suggests that you arrive at least one hour before show time. Plan to carpool if possible. There is music and a pre-show raffle that you won’t want to miss. Great seats go fast. And don’t forget your picnic dinner. Please take your refuse with you at the end of the night. Please do not smoke in the park during performances.

Thanks, from the Film Night Staff: Tom Boss, Lew Tremaine, Chris Salcedo, Angela Jones, Bruce Stein, Kenn Rabin, Adrienne Biggs, Hannah Williams, Kyle Ashcroft, Delanie Kern,

Lu Salcedo, Beckie Salcedo, Ariana Mahallati, Kim Taylor, Christina del Villar and Pamela del Villar.

Contact Film Night at [email protected] or visit www.filmnight.org

Like us at Facebook.com/filmnight

16 Summer 2013 familyworks.org Magazine4


Summer 2013 17familyworks.org Magazine 5

A Project of


CHASING ICE Friday June 7, Contratti Park, FairfaxEnvironmental photographer James Balog deploys time-lapse cameras to capture a record of the world’s changing glaciers, compressing years into seconds to illustrate how these ice mountains are disappearing at a breathtaking rate.

2012 • 75 min • PG-13

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Saturday June 15, Dolores Park, San FranciscoWhen Dr. Indiana Jones — the tweed-suited professor who just happens to be a celebrated archaeologist and adventurer — is hired by the government to locate the legendary Ark of the Covenant, he finds himself up against the entire Nazi regime.

1981 • 115 min • PG


6


Make Something ofYour Summer!

Math duringSummer?!?? Don’t be a Square-

Geometry is FUN!

GOLDEN GATE TUTORING CENTER249 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., San Anselmo415.383.2283 GoldenGateTutoring.com

June 17-21 & July 22-26M-F 9-12:304th-8th graders

July 8-Aug 16M-F 1-4 PM5th-12th graders

June 10-14June 24-July 19July 29-Aug 9M-F 9-12:30 or 9-31st-8th graders


7

A Project of


HUGO Friday June 21, Old Mill Park, Mill ValleyWhen his father dies, little Hugo is left with nothing but a gift for fixing watches and a broken automaton. With the help of a kind girl and a heartbroken filmmaker, Hugo will solve a mystery that will change his life.

2011 • 128 min • PG

SKYFALL Saturday June 22, China Camp, San RafaelWhen James Bond’s latest assignment goes gravely wrong, and several undercover agents around the world are exposed, MI6 is attacked, forcing M to relocate the agency. These events cause her authority and position to be challenged by Mallory, the new Chairman of the Intelligence and Security Committee. With MI6 now compromised from both inside and out, M is left with one ally she can trust: Bond. 007 takes to the shadows – aided only by field agent, Eve – following a trail to the mysterious Silva, whose lethal, hidden motives have yet to reveal themselves.

2012 • 2 hours 24 min • PG-13

ARGO Friday June 28, Creek Park, San AnselmoDuring the Iran hostage crisis, the CIA and Hollywood collaborated in a life-or-death covert operation to rescue six Americans. Their role in these events was little-known until information was declassified many years later. On November 4, 1979, as the Iranian revolution reaches its boiling point, militants storm the U.S. Embassy in Tehran, taking 52 Americans hostage. In the midst of the chaos, six Americans manage to slip away and find refuge in the home of Canadian Ambassador Ken Taylor. Knowing it is only a matter of time before the six are discovered and likely killed, the Canadian and American governments ask the CIA to intervene. The CIA turns to their top “exfiltration” specialist, Tony Mendez, to come up with a plan to move the six Americans safely out of the country. What they concoct is a plan so incredible, it could only happen in the movies. 2012 • 120 min • R


8


JURASSIC PARK Saturday June 29, Creek Park, San AnselmoA multimillionaire unveils a new theme park where visitors can observe dinosaurs cloned using advanced DNA technology. But when an employee tampers with the security system, the dinosaurs escape, forcing the visitors to fight for their survival. A thrilling, action-packed blockbuster from acclaimed director Steven Spielberg, based on the novel by Michael Crichton, with music by John Williams and effects created by Marin County’s Industrial Light & Magic. Winner of 3 Oscars including Best Visual Effects, Best Sound and Best Sound Effects Editing. 1993 • 127 min • PG-13

SUPER 8 Friday July 5, Creek Park, San AnselmoIn the summer of 1979, a group of friends in a small Ohio town witness a catastrophic train crash while making a super 8 movie and soon suspect that it was not an accident. Shortly after, unusual disappearances and inexplicable events begin to take place in town, and the local Deputy tries to uncover the truth – something more terrifying than any of them could have imagined. Directed by JJ Abrams 2011 • 112 min • PG-13

SPECIAL SCREENINGRETURN OF THE JEDI Saturday July 6, Creek Park, San AnselmoDirector George Lucas delivers the finale to his original epic space trilogy with the rebel forces’ last stand against the Empire and Luke Skywalker’s (Mark Hamill) fateful confrontation with his nemesis, Darth Vader (voiced by James Earl Jones). Skywalker tries to rescue Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) from Jabba the Hutt, while the rebel army and the small, furry Ewoks battle the enormity of the rebuilt Death Star. 1983 • 136 min • PGFOOTLOOSE Friday July 12, Creek Park, San AnselmoIn this classic tale of generational and regional differences, a Chicago teenager moves to a small town where rock music and dancing have been banned, and his rebellious spirit shakes up the populace and changes a few minds.

1984 • 107 min • R


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VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONASaturday July 13, Union Square, San FranciscoIn this Golden Globe-winning yarn, a flamboyant painter finds himself in the middle of a unique relationship with two American female tourists.

2008 • 99 min • PG-13

SCHOOL OF ROCK Friday July 19, Creek Park, San AnselmoFired from his band and hard up for cash, guitarist and vocalist Dewey Finn finagles his way into a job as a fourth-grade substitute teacher at a private school, where he secretly begins teaching his students the finer points of rock ‘n’ roll.

2003 • 104 min • PG-13

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BRAVE Saturday July 20, Creek Park, San AnselmoSince ancient times, stories of epic battles and mystical legends have been passed through the generations across the rugged and mysterious Highlands of Scotland. Merida is a skilled archer and impetuous daughter of King Fergus and Queen Elinor. Determined to carve her own path in life, Merida defies an age-old custom sacred to the uproarious lords of the land: massive Lord MacGuffin, surly Lord Macintosh and cantankerous Lord Dingwall. Merida’s actions inadvertently unleash chaos and fury in the kingdom, and when she turns to an eccentric old Wise Woman for help, she is granted an ill-fated wish. The ensuing peril forces Merida to discover the meaning of true bravery in order to undo a beastly curse before it’s too late. Animated • 2012 • 93 min • PG

MOONRISE KINGDOM Friday July 26, Creek Park, San AnselmoSet on an island off the coast of New England in the summer of 1965, Moonrise Kingdom tells the story of two twelve-year-olds who fall in love, make a secret pact, and run away together into the wilderness. As various authorities try to hunt them down, a violent storm is brewing off-shore — and the peaceful island community is turned upside down in more ways than anyone can handle. 2012 • 94 min • PG-13

THE ROAD TO ELDORADO Saturday July 27, Creek Park, San AnselmoTwo Spanish con men see dollar signs when they win a map to the legendary city of gold. But when they reach El Dorado, their plans take a turn. Initially mistaken for gods, they begin to integrate into Mayan society — and reconsider their motives.

2000 • 89 min • PG

THE PRINCESS BRIDE Saturday August 3, Dolores Park, San FranciscoBlending comedy, adventure, romance and fantasy, this cult classic follows peasant farmhand Westley as he battles three bumbling outlaws and a nefarious prince to win the hand of his one true love, a young woman named Buttercup.

1987 • 98 min • PG




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BEING THERE Friday August 9, Creek Park, San AnselmoHaving lived his life as the gardener on a millionaire’s estate, Chance (Peter Sellers) knows of the real world only what he has seen on TV. When his benefactor dies, Chance walks aimlessly into the streets of Washington D.C., where he is struck by a car owned by wealthy Eve Rand (Shirley MacLaine). Identifying himself, the confused man mutters “Chance…gardener,” which Eve takes to be “Chauncey Gardiner.” Eve takes him to her home to convalesce, and because Chance is so well-dressed and well-groomed, and because he speaks in such a cultured tone, everyone in her orbit assumes that “Chauncey Gardiner” must be a man of profound intelligence. No matter what he says, it is interpreted as a pearl of wisdom and insight. He rises to the top of Washington society, where his simplistic responses to the most difficult questions (responses usually related to his gardening experience) are highly prized by the town’s movers and shakers. In fact, there is serious consideration given to running Chance as a presidential candidate. Both a modern fable and a political satire, Being There was based on the novel by Jerzy Kosinski.

LINCOLN Saturday August 10, Creek Park, San AnselmoIn the final four months of Abraham Lincoln’s life and presidency, the full measure of the man came to bear on his defining battle: to plot a forward path for a shattered nation, against overwhelming odds and extreme public and personal pressure. In an act of true national daring, Lincoln exerts enormous political will to end the Civil War, not merely by ending the battle but by fighting to pass the 13th Amendment to permanently abolish slavery. He will have to call upon all the skill, courage and moral fortitude for which he’ll become legend. He will grapple with the impact of his actions on the world and on those he loves. But what lies in the balance is what always mattered most to Lincoln: to compel the American people, and those in his government of opposite persuasions, to alter course and aim higher, toward a greater good for all mankind. 2012 • 150 min • PG-13

SINGLETRACK HIGH Friday August 16, Creek Park, San AnselmoAt the age of 16, many American kids trade in two wheels for four. Trusty steeds that once gave them freedom to explore on weekends now collect dust in the garage. For a growing number of high school students in Northern California, however, two wheels don’t get dusty, they get dirty. Their lives continue to revolve around weekend rides, but now those rides have a finish line. These are the student athletes of the NorCal High School Cycling League. This is Singletrack High. 2012 • Not Rated


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THE AVENGERSSaturday August 17, Creek Park, San AnselmoIron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America, Hawkeye and Black Widow answer the call to action when Nick Fury, director of the international peacekeeping agency known as S.H.I.E.L.D., initiates a daring, globe-spanning recruitment effort to assemble The Avengers team to defeat an unexpected enemy threatening global safety and security. Despite pulling together the ultimate dream team, Nick Fury and longtime confidant Agent Coulson must find a way to convince the superheroes to work with, not against each other, when the powerful and dangerous Loki gains access to the Cosmic Cube and its unlimited power.2012 • 143 min. • PG-13

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SINGIN’ IN THE RAINSaturday August 17, Union Square, San FranciscoGene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds and Donald O’Connor combine their talents in one of the greatest big-screen musicals ever made, a two-time Oscar nominee that includes the songs “Good Morning,” “Make ‘Em Laugh” and the iconic title tune. When Hollywood attempts the transition from silent films to talkies, a matinee idol (Kelly) hopes to make the cut. But he’s hampered by a silent-movie queen (Jean Hagen) with a voice like fingernails on a blackboard.

1952 • 103 min. • G

THE LORAX Friday September 6, Old Mill Park, Mill ValleyA boy searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affections of the girl of his dreams. To find it, he must discover the story of the Lorax, the grumpy yet charming creature who fights to protect his world.

2012 • 86 min. • PG

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MOONRISE KINGDOM Saturday September 7, Washington Square, San FranciscoSet on an island off the coast of New England in the summer of 1965, Moonrise Kingdom tells the story of two twelve-year-olds who fall in love, make a secret pact, and run away together into the wilderness. As various authorities try to hunt them down, a violent storm is brewing off-shore — and the peaceful island community is turned upside down in more ways than anyone can handle.

2012 • 94 min • PG-13EIGHT BELOW Saturday September 7, Peacock Gap Park, San RafaelTwo Antarctic explorers are caught in a brutal arctic storm and must rely on their pack of sled dogs to get them back to base camp. When they arrive, the camp is in the process of evacuation, and the explorers learn that there is not enough room on the plane to evacuate the dogs. A rescue plan to go back when the storm subsides is scrapped when the weather turns worse, and the dog rescue is put off until spring. The most amazing story of survival, friendship and adventure ever told. A brilliant family movie by Walt Disney Pictures.

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THE BIRDS Saturday September 14, China Camp, San RafaelThe story begins as an innocuous romantic triangle involving wealthy, spoiled Melanie Daniels (Tippi Hedren), handsome Mitch Brenner (Rod Taylor), and schoolteacher Annie Hayworth (Suzanne Pleshette). The human story begins in a San Francisco pet shop and culminates at the home of Mitch’s mother (Jessica Tandy) at Bodega Bay, where the characters’ sense of security is slowly eroded by the curious behavior of the birds in the area. At first, it’s no more than a sea gull swooping down and pecking at Melanie’s head. Things take a truly ugly turn when hundreds of birds converge on a children’s party. 1962 • 119 min. • PG


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SKYFALL Saturday Sept 21, Dolores Park, San FranciscoWhen James Bond’s latest assignment goes gravely wrong, and several undercover agents around the world are exposed, MI6 is attacked, forcing M to relocate the agency. These events cause her authority and position to be challenged by Mallory, the new Chairman of the Intelligence and Security Committee. With MI6 now compromised from both inside and out, M is left with one ally she can trust: Bond. 007 takes to the shadows – aided only by field agent, Eve – following a trail to the mysterious Silva, whose lethal, hidden motives have yet to reveal themselves. 2012 • 2 hours 24 min • PG-13


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Bay Area Authors Craft a Children’s Book for

by Lew TremaineManaging Editor

Parents, Too


My favorite children’s books as a child, and as a parent reading to my sons, were

always the interactive ones. I loved “pop-up” books, or books with little books inside, or ones with little notes or messages hidden inside secret pockets.

Recently, I came across a children’s book that took me back to the favorites of my childhood and early parenthood. Published in 2012 and written and designed by four Bay Area women, Do I have to? What if I don’t want to…, contains many little books inside and features expressive artwork that explores the various emotions children experience when they are told to do something they don’t want to do.

Written by Jamie Anderson, Christinia Cheung and Beth O’Connor, and illustrated by Hsiao-Yen Chi, Do I have to? also contains an important lesson for parents.

The parenting education component stems from the work that Jamie and Beth do at their Orinda-based non-profit, The Institute for Collaborative Communication (ICC).

“ICC is dedicated to providing opportunities to develop awareness and communication skills for the purpose of building relationships and fruitful interactions with the people with whom we live and

work,” Jamie and Beth explain in the book’s epilogue.

“We believe that awareness increases understanding of ourselves and others and is an essential component to Collaborative Communicating. Awareness-based communication requires a willingness to understand another person’s view, experience, thoughts, or feelings.”

In short,

Collaborative Communication starts with listening… carefully.

On the inside front cover of Do I Have to?, an envelope is affixed, containing a note to parents with instructions on how to listen. The book itself opens with a letter to parents explaining the philosophy that the following pages will impart. There are even instructions for parents on how to use the book to help their children explore and cope with strong emotions.

“A Three Year Labor of Love”I caught up with Jamie Anderson recently to find

out how this delightful book was conceptualized and created. Jamie was the lead writer on the project. The use of the word project is purposeful, as every detail of the book was carefully considered and reconsidered.

“It was a very long process,” Jamie recalls. “We wanted to create a children’s book that included a parenting education component. It was a three-year labor of love.”

Jamie, Christinia and Beth did the editing by exchanging Word documents. Every word was carefully considered. But the attention to detail for the text didn’t compare to the attention to detail for the illustrations.

During the project, illustrator Hsiao-Yen became pregnant. “That really tuned her in to the whole parenting process,” Jamie explained.

A tremendous amount of effort was put into capturing each emotion portrayed by the main character. “We took pictures of ourselves making different emotional faces, so that the illustrations conveyed just the right emotions for what was going on,” Jamie recalled. “We wanted the illustrations to show tone of voice, proximity, and the non-verbal of the main character and the parents.”

The main character is nameless, and was left intentionally racial and gender –neutral. “We held focus groups with children to see if they thought the character was a boy or a girl,” Jamie explained. She said she found it interesting that boys in the focus groups predominantly thought the character was a girl, and that the girls thought the character was a boy.

Throughout the book, the main character carries a stuffed toy bunny. “A lot of attention was paid to the positioning of the bunny in each drawing. We wanted the bunny to imitate the body language of the main character.”

Throughout the writing process, the team went



Not too long ago – just after World War II – few people in the United

States brushed their teeth with any regularity. Now, the mere thought of going an entire day or night without brushing one’s teeth is simply out of the question for most.

Hopefully, someday in the near future, a similar attitude will prevail regarding mental well-being, says Dr. Matt Mumber, an oncologist and author of “Sustainable Wellness: An Integrative Approach to Transform Your Mind, Body, and Spirit,” (www.sustainablewellnessonline.com), coauthored by Yoga therapist Heather Reed.

Matt Mumber, MD, is a practicing board-certified radiation oncologist with the Harbin Clinic in Rome, Ga. He completed his radiation oncology residency at Wake Forest University Bowman Gray School of Medicine and graduated from the Associate Fellowship Program in Integrative Medicine at the University of Arizona. Dr. Mumber is past president of the Georgia Society of Clinical Oncology. He founded Cancer Navigators Inc, a non-profit organization offering cancer patients access to nurse navigation, social services and educational programs to support and augment the clinical care they receive. In 2008 he was named a Health Care Hero by Georgia Trend magazine.

Heather Reed has been teaching Yoga since 1996. She expresses an integrative, adaptive approach and specializes in using Yoga and meditation techniques for people living with cancer, post-polio syndrome and other chronic illnesses. Heather received an Experienced Teacher Certification from Esther Myers Yoga Teacher Training Program and has had extensive training with

Think You’re Healthy? Would You Know if You Weren’t?

Oncologist Offers 7 Tips for Increasing Awarenessby Ginny Grimsley

senior staff of the Commonweal Cancer Help program and Dr. Dean Ornish’s Program for Reversing Heart Disease. She developed Yoga classes for cancer patients at The Wellness Community, Atlanta.

“Human happiness and well-being are rudderless without awareness, which I define as the quality of paying attention to what’s going on in the present moment from an inquisitive, nonjudgmental and focused perspective,” she says.

An easy way to think of optimal wellbeing might be to envision a three-legged stool, says Reed.

“The three legs include physical activity, nutrition and that underappreciated component missing from too many Americans’ lives – stress management, or a healthy mental state,” she says.

After checking off a healthy diet and exercise from the list, how does one go about ensuring a healthy mind? Mumber and Reed say the key is mindfulness, which they define as paying attention on purpose, non-judgmentally and as though your life depended on it. Framed another way, mindfulness means focusing on something without


through a number of formatting concepts. They thought about including a stuffed bunny with the book. They considered including a video.

“I still want to do a video project,” Jamie noted. “In fact, we are hoping to add instructional videos to our website by July.”

Jamie credits Christinia for coming up with the final format idea. “Christinia is a true visionary,” she said.

Self-awarenessThe book seeks to gently show parents how to become

self-aware, and then teach self-awareness to their children. Self-awareness is the key to Collaborative Communication, according to Jamie.

“One can communicate best when one is self-aware,” she explained. “It allows you to make choices about how you are going to interact with your world. If I’m self aware, I can evaluate if I am in good enough shape to even have a conversation.

“If you know how you are doing, it allows you to take self-responsibility for being able to make sure your

Do I have to?continued from page 39

message will be heard. So you must also have great awareness of the listener. Ask yourself, ‘am I in good shape,’ then make sure the other person is in good shape, too.”

In addition to communicating clearly, Collaborative Communication relies on “listening to understand,” Jamie said. “Does the other person feel heard? Unless the other person really knows I get it, there won’t be any kind of shift.”

“The emotional awareness and listening skills presented in this unique and child friendly format help bridge the gap between children and grown-ups,” the team wrote in the book’s summary. “Children may find they have a few more options when they are emotionally strong. Parents may find that a certain kind of listening actually supports a child’s efficient return to their natural state of harmony and cooperation.”

Do I have to?What if I don’t want to..., was published through funding by the C Com Foundation. The funding allowed for the printing of 10,000 copies, 2,500 of which were to be distributed free to non-profit agencies that work with families and children. For information about obtaining copies, visit www.icc-connect.org.

trying to change it, like the sky holding passing clouds without clinging to them.

They describe the states necessary for attaining mindfulness:• Beginner’s mind is the ability to see things with new eyes. We are warned against putting new wine in old wine skins – doing so risks tainting the new stock. A beginner’s mind opens people to the world of possibilities that exist in the present moment. That does not mean throwing away good ideas from the past; rather, it means to entertain new ideas with a truly open sensibility.• Trust: Believe in your authority to know your own body, thoughts and feelings. We need to have the confidence necessary to trust that our thoughts and feelings at any given moment have value.• Non-judging is the ability to see things for what they are, to hold an open and neutral place for whatever comes up within and around you, without thinking of anything as categorically better or worse than anything else.• Patience is a willingness to continue with the process of paying attention on purpose even when it appears that no

progress is being made. Learning and growing through mindful practice happens with time, and we can’t force the outcome.• Acceptance refers to allowing whatever comes up in the moment to be held in our field of awareness. This is not the same as giving up or being passive; acceptance is merely acknowledgement.• Letting go is refusing to attach to specific thoughts, feelings or behaviors. This can feel like losing something, but every time we let go, we open ourselves to something new and, potentially, deeper.• Non-striving: In our goal-oriented society, this may seem counterintuitive. However, non-striving refers only to practicing mindfulness without expectation of some future goal or dream, which helps us better live in the now.

“By having our three-legged stool firmly planted in awareness, we can drop into what we typically call a sense of spiritual wellbeing,’ says Mumber.


Chances are, most people reading this know a child who has stayed home from school this week simply because they were afraid of being bullied

– but they may not realize it. It is estimated that an average of 160,000 students each day around the country stay home out of fear of being bullied. Yet many adults, for a variety of reasons, have no idea that the bullying is taking place.

“Children may avoid speaking up about being bullied, which really just helps to perpetuate it,” explains Peter J. Goodman, author of the book “We’re All Different But We’re All Kitty Cats.” “It is important for teachers and parents to know that bullying is taking place so that they can try to address it, but sometimes it is difficult for them to find out that it is happening in the first place.”

Goodman is helping to lay the foundation for bullying prevention in classrooms around the country, where they are using the combination of his children’s book and the accompanying curriculum, “Bully Free Students Make Bully Free Classrooms,” designed for kindergarten to third grade students. The book and educational curriculum have been designed to help young kids understand, prevent, and address bullying.

For those parents and adults who may wonder why their child is not telling them that they are bullied, there are 5 common reasons, including:

1. They may think that they are tattling on another student, and they have been taught not to tattle. It is important that children learn the difference between tattling about unimportant things and telling an adult when bullying is taking place.

2. Children may fear retaliation if they tell an adult they are being bullied. While the adult may address the issue with the child doing the bullying, there is going to be another time right around the corner when the adult is not around. Children may fear that things could get worse if the issue is addressed.

5 Reasons Children May Not Ask for Help When Being Bulliedby Cher Murphy

3. Some children feel that they will not be believed. They believe that they will tell an adult and the person will not believe them or will suggest that maybe they did something to bring it on.

4. Many children believe that telling an adult does nothing to help with the bullying. The research tends to support the notion that many adults don’t do anything about the bullying, or they simply brush it off, tell them to toughen up, or say that it is just a part of growing up. If children learn early on that adults don’t help, then they are not likely to report the incidents.


5. When children are bullied, they may feel ashamed or embarrassed. This alone can keep them from reporting it, because they don’t want people to know that they were being bullied.“Around half of the children who are bullied don’t end

up telling an adult that it’s happening,” explains Karen Goldberg, child psychotherapist and co-author of the

c u r r i c u l u m . “The more we can understand and address the reasons behind them not telling, the closer we will be to helping to solve the b u l l y i n g problem our nation’s schools face.”

The challenge of children not telling adults that they are being bullied can be addressed and overcome. This can happen through a bully p r e v e n t i o n program being in place, as well as parents and other adults

talking to children about bullying and the importance of telling an adult when it happens. It is also important that when children do tell adults that it is addressed so that they feel confident in their decision to report it the next time.

The Kitty Cats book and educational curriculum has been written for children in pre-kindergarten through the third grade. The earlier children learn about the importance of preventing bullying, the better. To learn more about the book series, the curriculum bundle, or to purchase the volume that addresses bullying, visit www.dreambigpress.com.

“Around half of

the children who are

bullied don’t end up

telling an adult that it’s

happening,” explains

Karen Goldberg, child

psychotherapist... “The

more we can understand

and address the reasons

behind them not telling,

the closer we will be

to helping to solve the

bullying problem our

nation’s schools face.”


You are the stepmom to kids who not only don’t listen, but threaten to go back to the other parent at the mere mention of expectations.

When you complain to your partner - their father, he shrugs it off, not wanting to upset the apple-cart and risk losing precious time with his little angels.

These situations often involve separated parents who have poor to limited or no ability to communicate b e t w e e n themselves. It is likely that their relationship as a couple was a disaster and that court or the threat of court figured prominently in their settlement.

Dad is either limited in his parenting abilities or is afraid that his kids won’t see him if he doesn’t give way to their demands. Either way, dad tries to be either an ostrich and put his head in the sand to avoid the situation, or tries to befriend the kids, thinking that the kids will like “Uncle Dad” and thus behave better.

Kids in these situations have long since learned to exploit the parental conflict to get what they want. Instead of expectations they have things - toys and gadgets. They may also have no meaningful curfews or consequences to hold them accountable.

Stepmom’s Nightmare: Not Her Problem to Solveby Gary Direnfeld

The stepmom is at risk of being set up as the wicked witch for ratting out the kids, spoiling everyone’s’ fun and being a pain in the butt to her partner. Truth is, she

may be the most distressed and may be the only one to see the situation for

what it is - a bigger train wreck waiting to happen.

Kids who are out of control and who can

pit their parents against each

other are at risk of school failure, early onset sexual b e h a v i o r , pregnancy, drug alcohol abuse and trouble with the law. As they

d i s r e s p e c t t h e i r

stepparent and get away with

murder at home, they then try out

their misguided skills and beliefs outside the

home at school, workplace and community.

This is actually a pretty common scenario and if there is a call for counseling,

it is usually by the stepmom who is fed up with the situation and feeling unsupported by their partner with spoiled kids running roughshod over them both. Trouble is, without both bio-parents on board, the likelihood of turning things around well are limited.

In order to make a good difference in these situations


and the lives of these children, both parents must learn to cooperate and support each other as parents lest the kids continue to divide and conquer. Trouble is, as the stepmom takes on the task of calling people out and seeking to improve matters, all eyes are on her as an agitator. She becomes the source of conflict and she feels like she is steering a sinking ship.

The truth of the matter is, these are not her kids and this is not her responsibility even though she becomes a victim of the family dysfunction.

Stepmom, you have two options: leave or step back and let the chips fall where they may.

Assuming you step back and let the chips fall where they may, the real trick is to redirect any issues or expectations with regards to your partner’s children, to your partner. Do not take responsibility for his children because in so doing, he gets to avoid it.

When he finally gets overwhelmed and asks for your advice, don’t get sucked into rescuing him!

The real trick to facilitating change here is to leave him wrestling with these problems of his own creation. Unless he truly feels there to be an issue from which he cannot escape, he will not be motivated to address it. You rescue, he is relieved and nothing changes.

Eventually he has to come to realize that counseling is a must for him and his former partner and that together they must resolve the situation.

You as stepmom continuing your involvement in their dynamic serves only to keep the heat off them and keep it upon yourself.

Want to feel better? Take a bath, read a book, go for a walk, get a manicure, do anything but take on your partner’s responsibility. As you disengage from the turmoil, you leave it for your partner to engage.

If you don’t have the stomach for this, then you may have to consider leaving as an option and that too may trigger a crisis to raise your partner’s profile in terms of taking the situation seriously. But still, the problem with his kids is his to solve.

Tough medicine for tough situations.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW (905) 628-4847 [email protected] http://www.yoursocialworker.com Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters.

13. Meet the prof. For the really bold, there’s the visit to the professor’s office to find out a little more about the course and distinguish yourself from the nameless masses. Don’t be put off, though, if the professor is too busy to visit with you (he or she might be rushing to polish up the syllabus or figure out what to say in the first week of lectures).

14. Go clubbing. While you still have some free time, it’s nice to see what kinds of student clubs and teams your college has to offer. You might just be dying to join the Underwater Marble Stacking Club, the Rock. Paper, Scissors Club or the Sheldon Cooper for Supreme

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Conquering FreshmanCrunch Time

Emperor Club. And even if you don’t want to join in on the fun, the look-see will give you a better feel for what’s going on at the school and what the students are like.

15. Take a breath. Fifteen weeks—or one semester—is a long haul. Don’t get wound up too quickly. There’ll be plenty of time for panic once the semester sets in.

About the Authors: Dr. Lynn F. Jacobs and Jeremy S. Hyman are coauthors of The Secrets of College Success: Over 800 Tips, Techniques, and Strategies Revealed, 2nd Edition. Jacobs is a professor of art history at the University of Arkansas and has previously taught at Vanderbilt University, California State University Northridge, and NYU. Hyman is the founder and chief architect of Professors’ Guide™ content products. He is a lecturer in philosophy at the University of Arkansas and previously taught at UCLA, MIT, and Princeton University.

The truth of the matter is, these are not her kids and

this is not her responsibility


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