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Summer 2014 1familyworks.org MagazineThis seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license.

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Magazine Summer 2014

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Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime

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APPLE FamilyWorks®

4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: [email protected]

Sponsorship Information: Michael Diehl Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 229 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries in five Marin Scope Weekly Community Newspapers, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2014 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: [email protected].

Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-SmithAssociate Director Michael DiehlEditor & Design: Lew TremaineCopy Editors: Pat Saunders Diana WilkinsWebsite: Renaissance Graphic DesignWeb Publisher: Renaissance Graphic DesignPrinted by: S.W. Offset

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Summer 2014Magazine

APPLE FamilyWorks 3 Parenting Services

4 Adult & Family Therapy Services

5 Child Therapy Services/Mommy Time

12 APPLE Update

23 Developmental Disabilities Services

6 Marriage: A Passionate Friendship by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MFT

8 Understanding Sleep Rhythms in Children by Tasha Mayberry

10 Lopsided Relationships and Depression by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW

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14 Enjoying the Years with Your Teens by Toby Dauber, LCSW

16 10 Social Media Tips for Teen by Akilah C. Thompson

18 Tips for Students & Parents Transitioning to High School by Barbara Dianis, MA, ED

20 Kindergarten Redshirting: Is It Right for Your Child by June Allen Corrigan

Summer 2014 3familyworks.org Magazine

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We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to:

• Increase cooperation • Receive respect & appreciation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Get chores & homework completed• Enjoy time with your family • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities

Topics include:• Deciding your goals and principles • Listening completely • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Turning opposition into cooperation• Using the “New Time Out” • Knowing abilities & Temperament • Giving effective directions • Applying “When...Then”• Setting clear consequences • Creating charts & reinforcements

Tuesdays Sept 16. - Oct. 7, 20146:30 - 8:30 p.m.

Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

Therapy and Life Skills Center

Parenting Today

Co-Parenting Today

Call or sign-up online

At APPLE FamilyWorks, we know that parenting presents many challenges and can sometimes leave parents scratching their heads for new ideas. Our parenting classes teach an approach that makes the job of raising children fun and gratifying while reducing the tensin and frustration often experienced.

Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmonyand keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to:

• Reduce anxiety and depression• Deal with each other respectfully• Increase cooperation• Make co-parenting decisions calmly• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably

• Manage constantly shifting schedules• Stop tantrums and dawdling• Design consequences that work• End rudeness & backtalk

Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included

Tuesdays Sept. 16 - Oct. 28, 20146:30 - 8:30 p.m.



APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life. We welcome you to join us in:• Resolving conflicts • Dealing with anxiety • Coping with transitions• Overcoming depression • Managing ADHD & ODD • Managing anger• Managing grief & loss • Improving intimacy • Regulating emotions • Enhancing social skills • Overcoming addictions • Enhancing Co-Parenting• Insuring mutual respect • Coping with separation & divorce • Reducing domestic violence


Adult and Family Therapy

Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.



MommyTime GroupsMothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details.For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week.

• Share experiences, ideas, and support• Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness• Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

Marin Community Clinics: Spanish Speaking 10 a.m. to NoonNOVATO: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Thursdays

English Speaking 10 a.m. to NoonCall for time and location.

For information, email [email protected]

APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional well-being, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.

Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.

Child and Teen Therapy



MarriageA Passionate Friendshipby Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith

W hen the flame flick-ers and the rush of adventure and

excitement fades what are we left with in a marriage mellowed with age and ma-tured by the breath of life and death? Are we left with deep disappointment? Are we angered by the loss of promised (or implied) safety, satisfaction and (better yet) knowing of our inner needs? Do we yearn for a Hallmark Card romance, Do we think that it would have been better if only we’d married the other guy or girl?

How many of us live with a ton or regrets, thinking we are cheating ourselves or our partner out of a relationship worth having? How many look to the other to rekindle the flame? How often do we think that everything would be better if only the OTHER person would change? Most people find it more comfortable to consider changing people a solution to their discontent.

To Be A FriendI recall the saying, “To have a friend, one must be a

friend.” This is just as true for any lasting relationship. And in my mind, I believe that a healthy intimate relationship is a passionate friendship. I suggest that each partner ask themselves:

What kind of a friend am I to my mate?How do I set aside time to nurture our friendship?When do I show interest in the other person’s world? How can I be more polite, considerate, and thoughtful?It is so easy to forget courtesy in a marriage relationship,

to become demanding and dismissive. This commonly happens because we bring our childhood expectations and losses into our relationship. We look for, and usual-ly find, a person who has the good qualities we want in ourselves, and either had or wished we had in or parents. We fall in love with that positive part of the other person, blissfully ignoring the negative qualities that any person inevitably has. When life hits us with the tough stuff, we reach out to our partner hoping to have the nurturing and comforting we either had, or never had in our childhood. Unfortunately, the other person may be equally needy of support and wanting our strength and positive qualities to come forth. We may not be able to “be there” for one another. Both may become disappointed and bitter. Our very young selves (our inner child) feel abandoned and rejected. We become angry and hurt.

Women often say: “Why didn’t he understand how I felt? He just told me not to worry and then he offered a bunch of advice. “He is just so insensitive.”


Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.

Men will counter: “She’s always upset. She doesn’t respect my ideas. Whatever I do is never enough.”

Our Mates Can’t Meet All our NeedsI find that many relationships fall apart because each

expects his or her partner to fill all his or her needs. One or both may lack friendships and fun outside the rela-tionship, which puts too much pressure on their partner. Jealousy often crops up when one partner is more social with outside friendships, leaving the other to spend time alone or with childrearing chores. It may take a conscious effort on the couples’ part to join groups or take outings where other friendships can be developed. Men and women may also find it helpful to develop groups of friends of the same gender. What a woman might find fascinating may bore a man crazy---and vice versa. We cannot expect our partners to enjoy all of the same things we do.

Long Days---Long NightsWhen either partner works long hours, their hours

together are often less than positive and energetic. Ex-haustion makes people grumpy and unreasonable. It is essential that the recreation be built into a couple’s pas-sionate friendship. If the only time they spend together is problem solving, hassling over homework, or schlepping to children’s events, how can their relationship grow? Time must be set aside for fun. And, time must be set aside for sexual passion.

Exhaustion and passion don’t go together. When the children are small, sleep is fitful or close to nonexistent. When the children are older, the schedule is crammed with evening and weekend activities. “Down time” is rare. When the children are teens, the parents are often waiting up past their normal adult bedtime for their children to return. Most families are under so much pressure during the day that they crash at night. When either feel the flicker of passion, the other is (often as not) just getting back to sleep after being up with one of the children, if the children are in their own beds. (Children don’t seem to like to sleep alone, especially if there is any choice in the matter. You

can’t blame them.) And with the return of the Family Bed, Mom and Dad may be used as punching bags all night long by the smallest members of the family.

If parents are committed to having their children sleep with them, it is then essential that time and place be set aside for them to share intimacy. Women in general seem to tolerate celibacy longer than men because of their bi-ological connection and sense of empathy and protection for their young. Such connection often wears very thin into the second year of the child’s life. The father is put in a dangerous position of wanting his wife’s affections at the cost of what may be perceived as the emotional health of the child.

The problem this lack of husband-wife intimacy creates is quite monumental. The man does not get his intimacy needs (or his sexual needs) met. He becomes grumpy, irri-table, jealous of the time his wife spends with the children, and doesn’t like the feelings he has. How can a good man tell him wife to give less to his child? Isn’t that why he

continued on page 13


New Mothers’ GroupsTemperament Assesment

Therapy and Counseling

Strengthening Relationships...

(415) 492-0720familyworks.org

by Tasha Mayberry, Family Sleep Institute

Given that we spend a third of our lives in slumber, it’s surprising that very few of us understand the biological processes that dictate our waking and

non-waking hours. Sleep is a vital contributor to our overall health and wellbeing so learning a little about the science of sleep will help us realize the importance of staying on a consistent sleep schedule, for both parents and children. Certified child sleep consultant and Founder of Bi g Sky Lullaby, Diana Julian, shares her insights on how to understand sleep rhythms in children.

Follow the RhythmThe three main factors that influence our daily sleep

are the circadian rhythm, the homeostatic sleep drive, and the mysterious ‘forbidden zone’. The circadian rhythm (from the Latin meaning “around a day”) can be thought of as our internal clock, keeping us in sync with the natural cycle of day and night, and telling us when to go to sleep and wake up. Virtually every living creature follows a circadian rhythm, which is influenced by three main factors:

Body temperature: typically this rises during the day, and drops as the night progresses. Body temperature is at

Understanding Sleep Rhythms In Children It’s Not Logical, It’s Biological

a minimum at around 6 hours after sleep onsetHormone levels: different hormones are released at vari-

ous times of the day to aid the sleep/wake cycle; melatonin at night, to promote drowsiness whilst cortisol, (sometimes referred to as the ‘stress hormone’) is produced at its peak during the early morning hours, to promote wakefulness.

Light and dark: the blue-ish hue of daylight literally acts as a wakeup call, telling the brain to stop producing melatonin. Darkness at night acts in the opposite way, preparing us for the night’s sleep.

The Drive for SleepAfter being awake for a long period of time, the urge to

sleep becomes stronger and stronger. This phenomenon is known as the homeostatic sleep drive and it creates a pull against our circadian rhythm which tries to maintain wakefulness during the day. The homeostatic drive is very powerful in children and the younger the child, the more influence it has. This is the reason children are better able to make up for lost sleep during a time where they should be awake. This being said, although it may be convenient, it should not be relied upon to make up for lost sleep on


Parenting ClassesTeen Life SkillsDisabilities Services Co-Parenting Services

For a Lifetime

a daily basis. If we don’t impose a sleep schedule, their circadian rhythm can become disrupted confusing the body clock, and creating fatigue and hunger at undesired times.

Entering the Forbidden ZoneThis tension between our circadian rhythm and the ho-

meostatic drive becomes greatest just before the onset of sleep, creating what’s been called the forbidden zone of sleep. Typically occurring around 9 pm in adults (earlier for children), during this period many people find it near impossible to fall asleep. When putting your children to bed at night, it’s crucial to be aware of this phenomenon as you could find yourself fighting against yours their nat-

ural biological sleep timings. Child sleep expert Richard Ferber, says “Awareness of the forbidden zone turns out to be critical for understanding and treating certain common sleep problems.” As the forbidden zone draws to an end, the circadian rhythm and homeostatic drive start working together, creating an overwhelming sense of fatigue which makes it harder for us to stay awake.

Surfing the Wave“As a child sleep consultant, I am constantly explaining

why there are ideal nap times for babies as well as an ideal bedtime. These times are considered ideal because they coincide with the child’s internal clock. When a child is

put down for a nap, in order to produce quality sleep, the nap needs to occur at a time when the child is very drowsy and at the utmost readiness for sleep. Getting this right means the rest they will get during this nap to be restor-ative,” says Julian.

Understanding a child’s need for restorative sleep helps us as parents to make sure we are putting them down for a nap at the right crest of their biological sleep wave. The author and pediatrician Marc Weissbluth uses a surfing analogy to explain how to catch the best nap time for your little one.

“The magic moment is a slight quieting, a lull in being busy, a slight



A lop-sided relationship is where one partner is the greater ben-eficiary of favors, decisions,

financial rewards, or contribution to household chores, than the other partner. The outcome of decisions or activities on balance favors one over the other. In other words, one partner is apt to get the “dirty” end of the stick on most occasions while the other comes up clean.

Common to these situations is that the partner in the one-down position is apt to be a people pleaser and often hails from a family background where there was a greater likelihood of abuse, parental alco-holism and/or parental separation with an acrimonious ongoing relationship between the parents. The partner in the one-down position may not realize it, but is inadver-tently used to being second fiddle and tries to please others as a misguided strategy to gain affection and reward while avoiding displeasing the other for fear of reprisal.

In this scenario, the partner who is one up on the other tends to lead a more charmed and happy life albeit at the expense of the partner who is in the one-down position. This person is usually oblivious to their one-up status and assumes their partner is equally satisfied with the structure of the relationship. Further, this person is apt to have little empathy, seeks to have things their way and is likely to be very argumentative to wear down their partner to achieve personal desires. Once their one-down partner acquiesces, the view is that their partner is in agreement with the outcome versus browbeaten into submission.

Over time this dynamic falls under its own weight. Eventually the partner in the one-down position gets dissatisfied, coming to terms with their strategy of people pleasing not achieving their goal of recognition and reciprocity within the relationship. Unable to help their one-up partner understand the dilemma faced and

Lop-Sided Relationships and Depressionby Garry Direnfeld, LCSW

the partner’s role in the lop-sided relationship constant defeat leads to depression. If the woman in the one-down position, she may seek medical attention and be prescribed anti-depressant medication. If the man in the one-down position, he may be seen to turn to alcohol as a coping strategy. Should the man seek medical atten-tion, he too would be prescribed antidepressant medica-tion then.

When this couple presents in therapy, the challenge is to empower the partner in the one-down position and help the partner in the one-up position to empathize and understand the impact of the lop-sided relationship upon both persons. This is quite a challenge as it typi-cally means the partner in the one-up position no longer getting their way a disproportionate amount of time and at the expense of the partner’s well being. The partner in the one-up position is apt to project blame upon their partner and disassociate their behaviour or role in their


Call: (415) 492-0720or get more info at familyworks.org

Parenting Today&

Co-parenting Today

partner’s depression, thus leaving the depressed partner feeling stranded and abandoned, only exacerbating the divide between them.

The partner in the one-down position is apt to try and explain their situation better, harder, louder, smarter to their partner who may be quite resistant to the outright pleas for understanding, appreciation and emotional connection.

Resistance garners attention and from the one-up partner’s point of view, they are apt to see themselves as persecuted unfairly, particularly given they are happy in life and within the relationship. On the other hand, however, the person in the one-down position must be helped to understand that their cajoling, begging, whin-ing and/or pleading falls on deaf ears and that rather than seeking validation in the hands of their one-up partner, they must come to their own defense and not succumb to a false reality projected upon them by the partner in the one-up position.

To improve this relationship both persons must come to understand their respective contribution to the one’s distress. From counseling, the partner in the one-down position may feel validated for their view of the situ-ation, yet seek to still change their partner instead of themselves. If the one-down partner does seek to change her or himself, this can destabilize the relationship.

Once the dynamic is made clear though, even if just accepted by the partner in the one-down position, it is like a genie that cannot be place back within the bottle.

It remains this person’s choice as to what to do; now

understanding the dynamics of the situation and their place within it. Live a life of acquiescence or learn to assert oneself within the relationship which if unaccept-able to the one-up partner may lead to the dissolution of the relationship. The partner who is in the one-down po-sition will likely need greater social supports outside of the relationship to assert themselves and carry forward.

As for the depression, it will continue if the dynamic doesn’t change by the will of one, other or both partners.

Lop-sided relationships create depression. If bal-ance to the relationship cannot be facilitated balance to mental health will remain at risk. It is bad enough when someone else bangs your head against a wall, worse still is when we then continue to do it to ourselves. If this is your situation, consider your options and strategies for leaving the relationship. Bear in mind, you will be blamed for the dissolution but if you develop a more independent sense of self, that will wash off you and you will see it for what it is – an abusive projection by a remarkably self-centered partner whose only happy getting their own way.

Time to finally take care of yourself. Then depression can lift.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW (905) 628-4847 [email protected] http://www.yoursocialworker.com Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert in social work, marital and family therapy, child development, parent-child relations and custody and access matters.


UPDATE

FILM

In the Park

Michael Diehl Named AFW Associate Director

APPLE Family Works has named career non-profit executive Michael Diehl as its Associate Director. As a parent, educator, and community advocate, Michael has dedicated his entire career to enhancing the lives of others through pioneering pro-grams that provide quality services that extend beyond the traditional methods of education and mental health.

Michael provides leadership and strategic direction to APPLE FamilyWorks community outreach, marketing and fundraising efforts, and serves as liaison to donors, community organizations and government agencies.

“We feel very fortunate to have Michael on board,” said AFW Founding Executive Director Mary Jane De-Wolf-Smith. “He brings a wealth of experience that perfect-ly matches our mission as well as outstanding leadership and interpersonal skills.”

A native of San Jose, Michael has over 18 years expe-rience working in the non-profit sector. He has provided major oversight for innovative programs providing com-prehensive services in the areas of education, health, dis-abilities and family advocacy to multicultural communities in Northern and Southern California.

Michael possesses a Bachelor’s Degree in Behavioral Science from San Francisco State University and a Master’s Degree in Leadership from St. Mary’s College of California

“Public service runs in my family,” Michael explained. “My mom was a career public school administrator and currently works for First Five in Sacramento County. My wife Michele is a non-profit executive working in the family service field in Napa.”

Michael and Michele have lived in Napa for 10 years. They have a son, Tyler and a mischievous dog, Ruben.

Brigid Breen Joins APPLE Board

Wells Fargo Sr. Vice President Brigid Breen has joined the APPLE FamilyWorks Board of Directors. She was installed by unanimous vote on June 12, 2014.

Brigid, a San Rafael resident, oversees Wells Fargo’s Wealth Group, which spans numerous legal entities and divisions, in-cluding the bank’s personal trust and private banking departments. She also manages multiple compliance teams in the group.

Prior to joining Wells Fargo in 2002, Brigid served as Vice President/Chief Compliance Officer for Charles Schwab Investment Management. Her career also includes five years at Wood Island Associates (now US Trust Corp.). and Deloitte and Touche.

“Every board of directors can benefit from financial ex-pertise and business acumen. The addition of Brigid to our board is a real asset,” explained AFW Executive Director Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith. “

Pat Saunders RecievesMCAMFT Outstanding Leadership Honor

AFW Director of Therapeutic Programs, Patricia Saunders, has been chosen Marin CAMFT’s 2014 Outstanding Chapter Leader, for her outstanding conflict resolution, problem-solving and organizational skills. Patricia received this award at the CAMFT Outstanding Leadership Conference on March 1, 2014 in San Jose, California.


married her, because he could see what a good nurturer she was? He expresses his frustrations. She puts him down for his lack of patience and altruism. He feels rejected. She feels pressured. She gives in to some intimacy, but resents it. Her sexual experience is less than desirable due to her resentment. His experience is diminished due to her lack of passion. They both begin to think that they made a mistake marrying this self-centered, cold , unaffectionate person. The man sees his wife as over-protective of the child and insensitive to his needs.

The woman, especially if she is breastfeeding, is getting many of her needs for intimacy met by her child. And the more annoyed her husband is, the less she is willing to trade the symbiotic relationship she has with her child, for the demands of her husband. The relationship is in trouble if the couple doesn’t take steps to find time for each other.

Many couples have created very effective solutions to the challenges of creating a passionate friendship.

Some Solutions

1. Build friendships with other couples who have children of similar ages as yours. Take their children for an overnight or weekend and then they will do the same for you.

2. Plan a date night—no matter what. Find a reliable baby-sitter/childcare person. Reserve their time—regu-larly—at least once a week. Pay them even if the child is sick and you have to stay home.

3. Join a baby-sitter co-op or mother’s circle. Set up regularly scheduled times to care for the other’s child in their home. One parent stays home with the children and the other goes to the home of the couple who is going out. This really works. Assign a “Points Secretary” for each month of the year. Keep track of hours given and received and set a limit for the most you can owe before paying back. The secretary knows the schedule and points earned by all the families during the month.

Marriagecontinued from page 7

4. Call on relatives to help. When you set up a reg-ular time and provide dinner for them when they arrive, they may find it rather nice to help out. Now and then, do something considerate in return; coupons for a movie, a certificate to a restaurant, a thank you card.

Be clear about your own rules and expectations for childcare and homecare. Teach your children to be respect-ful and appreciative. Build other times to spend with the relatives that bring the entire family together.

5. Call a childcare or nanny agency and find someone to care for your children for the weekend. Planning this takes time and money, but is much less costly than therapy or legal fees. Mom and Dad have to spend time together as man and woman to recapture any of the original passion to the relationship.

6. Sit down and talk about what makes you feel loved and cared for. Have the household responsibilities begun to fall unevenly on one person’s shoulders? Write down what you want. NO ONE has a crystal ball and knows what you need. If you can afford it, hire someone to clean your home at least once a month.

7. Randomly give a gift to your spouse; a certificate for a massage or self-care item, a special meal, a piece of sports equipment, or your time.

8. Say something complementary to the other person at least three times a day. Make your compliments exceed your complaints.

9. Acknowledge that these are difficult and challeng-ing years and that you appreciate the other person’s effort and hard work. If you are keeping score about what your partner doesn’t do, then start keeping score about all that s/he IS doing. You may be surprised.

10. Take the time to make your relationship work. Consult the professional help of a marriage and family therapist trained to help couples have harmonious rela-tionships. It’s worth it.

13


Many parents expect the teenage years to be a trial they will have to endure. They’ve been warned that their previously successful parenting strat-

egies are about to become useless and their previously delightful, loving children are about to become moody, uncommunicative strangers.

“Expecting the worst in the teen years can become a

self-fulfilling prophecy,” says parenting specialist Toby Dauber, L.C.S.W., with Morris Psychological Group. “There’s no question that adolescence presents challenges to both parents and teens. It’s a confusing time, with lots of emotional ups and downs. But it’s also an exciting time in which the unique individual that each youngster will become is taking physical, intellectual and moral shape.

Enjoying the Years With Your Teen:

Tips for Parentsby Toby Dauber, LCSW

14


Parents play a crucial role in fostering that transition and with some understanding and guidance they can make it a rewarding period for the entire family.”

The turmoil of adolescence is rooted in dramatic changes that are taking place in the teen brain. Imaging technology has confirmed that the brain doesn’t look like that of an adult until the early 20s. Teenagers are close to their peak of physical strength and intellectual capacity but the part of the brain responsible for impulse control is among the last to mature and the circuitry that controls the intensity of emotional responses is overactive in the teen brain.

“While there are other personal factors in play for each individual, the impulsive - sometimes reckless - behavior and emotional outbursts that typify teen behavior are driven by what is going on the brain,” says Ms. Dauber. “Understanding how the brain is changing can help parents understand what may seem like inexplicable behaviors and help them develop the parenting skills that will guide their children through this period of intense growth.”

Tips for Positive Parenting During the Teen Years

Stay connected: A key characteristic of the teen years is the youngster’s need to separate from her parents and become more independent. Parents are often frustrated that the child’s receptivity to parental guidance starts to take a back seat to the opinions and influence of friends. But teens need the love, attention and emotional and moral compass provided by parents more than ever. They may seem to be pulling away but parents must continue to try to stay close, to talk, to actively listen, to praise, to prioritize family dinners, to maintain habits like a goodnight kiss, and to find ways to spend time together even on inconsequential activities, like errands or household chores.

Set limits: “Teens balk at rules,” says Ms. Dauber. “But they must know what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t and what consequences to expect. Be clear but don’t be arbitrary in setting rules. Explain your reasons. Let your teen have a say and don’t be too quick to say ‘no.’ And be flexible, especially as your child matures and demonstrates the ability to make good decisions.”

Don’t sweat the small stuff...or miss the big stuff: The teen years are a time of experimentation. Youngsters try on and try out new looks and budding identities, some of which are bound to distress their parents. It is appropriate to discuss with your teen the risks in her choices and how she might be perceived based on her looks and behavior. But as long as the changes are harmless, it might then be

best to step back and let her make her own decisions and learn to live with the consequences. However, parents must be alert to changes that signal real danger - indications of substance abuse or other dangerous behavior and they must intervene early, seeking professional help if necessary.

Respect and trust your child: As he grows into a responsible adult, your child must have the latitude to develop his own opinions and interests, which may be vastly different from yours. Express your feelings but don’t lecture or argue; let him know that you respect his opinion. And while you must know where your child goes and with whom, you must respect his privacy and trust him to behave responsibly.

Successful parenting in the teen years is a balancing act. Parents who fear losing control of their children and impose rigid discipline aren’t allowing their teens to learn to think for themselves and develop sound decision-making skills. Those who take a hands-off attitude in order to avoid con-flict leave their youngsters to fend for themselves without structure or clarity as to what is expected of them. “Finding the right balance gives teens the support they need while allowing them the freedom to develop their individual identities,” says Ms. Dauber. “Parents who set standards for their children while letting them know that they love them for who they are will foster mutual respect and find the teen years an exciting and fulfilling time.”

Toby G. Dauber, L.C.S.W., has more than 25 years of experience working with adolescents and adults, spe-cializing in coping with chronic illness, parenting, stress management and sex therapy.

Morris Psychological Group, P.A. offers a wide range of therapy and evaluation services to adults, children and adolescents. www.morrispsych.com

Let your teen have a say and don’t be too quick to say ‘no.’ And be flexible, especially as your child

matures and demonstrates the ability to make

good decisions.

15


Social media is one of the most powerful forms of communication teens and adults use today. Here are some tips to help you use social media safely

and effectively.

1. Respect yourself. Show off how great you are with class. You are a brand

and should represent yourself accordingly on social me-dia. Make sure your photos are appropriate. Do not post or text photos of yourself naked, dressed provocatively, or making obscene gestures. Avoid uploading anything you would not want your grandmother to see on the front cover of the New York Times! Social media plays a major role in building and ruining personal images. Be wise!

2. Post with positivity. Keep it cool! If you don¹t have anything good to say,

don¹t post. Avoid ranting or arguing with people on social

10 Social Media Tips for

Teens

media and posting when you¹re upset. You may be upset with your mom but it would be very disrespectful to share your anger with the world. What do you think college recruiters or future employers might think about you disrespecting your mother on social media? No Bueno! Share positivity and good vibes on the web.

3. No “twerking” videos please! Just because you see a trend starting on social media,

doesn¹t mean it is something you should do. Do not post videos that portray negative images of you, your friends or family involving profanity, sex, nudity, crime, drugs, discrimination, violence, lewd gestures, or anything that could be offensive to the public. Keep your video posts kid friendly. You don¹t want a video of you intoxicated and ³twerking² inappropriately with friends to surface while you are campaigning for President in 20 years. Definitely not a good idea!

by Akilah C. Thompson

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4. Know your followers. Allowing strangers to follow you can be very dangerous.

Even if their account looks harmless, be aware that there are many fake accounts where creeps follow their prey. If you don¹t know them, ignore them and don¹t let them fol-low you. Also, use privacy settings to protect your accounts from being viewed by strangers. Proceed with caution!

5. Be careful what you post for likes. You don¹t want to end up ³instafamous² for something

that could destroy your future. Keep your posts positive, dignified and smart. Social media is a great way to build a web presence for future endeavors. Don¹t compromise your future for ³likes² or ³followers.² Make your mark on the web, the right way!

6. Play nice Don¹t cyber bully!No one has the right to harass anyone based on their sex,

race, age, orientation, personal beliefs, values, etc. The impact of harassment is heightened and can have deadly consequences when acted out over the Internet. Avoid en-gaging in cyber brawls on twitter and status face-offs on Facebook. If you have a personal issue with someone, keep it off the Internet. If anyone is saying things about you on social media, report their account and let a relative know.

7. Think before you post. Nothing is ever truly deleted, so be very sure about

what you post before you hit the “post” or “send” button. Once you post a picture or a status it is stored on the site¹s server and can normally be retrieved even if you delete it from your profile. So, be smart and post with care for your future!

8. If you see something, say something! -

Report anything inappro-priate. Block or un-follow people that post negative comments on your timeline, make you uncomfortable or harass you in any way.

9. Manage your use wisely.

Too much of anything can become a bad thing. Is social

media keeping you from getting work done? Try putting time limits on your social media usage to make sure it is not impacting your productivity.

10. Don¹t post your every move. Leave some information to share with your real friends

and family over the phone. Your best friend would probably want to know you and your boyfriend broke up before the whole world knows via your relationship status change. Also be careful sharing info when you are going out of town. You don¹t want to alert a potential burglar that you will be in the Bahamas for a week with your family.

As a teenager it is important that you are aware, in-formed, and understand the risks that come along with using social media. Remember to protect yourself, censor what you post, and chose the crowd you associate with wisely.

Akilah C. Thompson is a Summa Cum Laude graduate of North Carolina A & T State University where she earned Bachelor of Science degrees in Accounting and Business Economics. She is an IRS Enrolled Agent, Certified Life Coach, Licensed Zumba Instructor, and Inspirational Speaker. She is the Founder & CEO of her trademark company ACT Inspires Inc and nonprofit, Generations Inspired Inc. Akilah is also a model, actor, and author. Her life goal is to inspire and empower others to be Ambitious, Courageous & Talented. For more information, please visit Act Inspires.

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The transition from middle school studies to an ear-ly high school curriculum can be an exciting yet daunting experience for countless students. In the

transition, teenagers tend to realize that their study habits need an upgrade. However, not all ninth grade students know

how to upgrade their scholastic systems and may find themselves falling behind in school for the first time.

As an Educational Specialist, I have provided a list of suggestions to help middle school

students transition into high school level studies. With a little effort and

a little time, new high school students can become academic winners!

Preplan study and homework time Preplanning a homework and study time to begin the school year out helps

students meet the scholastic increase of high school level studies. The plan should in-clude additional study time even if the teen has study halls during their school day. The reason for this is some teens do not always effectively utilize their study hall sessions.

Upgrade study skills Teens entering high school typically need to upgrade their study skills to help them keep pace with their current curriculum. Teens benefit from reviewing the notes they take in each of

Tips for Students & ParentsTransitioning to High School by Barbara Dianis, MA ED

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their classes for at least five minutes a day. Review-ing the class notes taken will help them retain more core learning concepts and increase their ability to access the information on tests.

Track grades online Parents and teens benefit from checking the teen’s grades online together several times a week. Par-ents who check their teen’s grades online show their adolescent they care about education. Also, if there are drops in their grades or missing assignments then educational solutions can be applied before their difficulty become a scholastic issue.

Build an “application resume” Early high school students who are planning to attend collegiate studies need to be working on building their application resume. Teens may want to join an extracurricular club, sport or perform a few hours of community outreach for service hours. These activ-ities are good to include in the college application resume, and can help teens find hobbies that they truly enjoy!

Plan more study time Tests and quizzes become an important part of the high school academic experience and teens should add more study and preparation time to the sys-tem they used in middle school. Early high school students benefit from studying for tests and quizzes several days before they are given. Waiting until the day before a test may not be the best option for new high school student because of the increase in hard terms and general information.

Communicate with teachersParents should try and communicate with their teen’s high school teachers several times a year. Accord-ing to a Bridgeland and Morison study conducted in 2006, one reason teens drop out of school is a “lack of parent engagement.” High school students who have parents communicate with the school are less likely to dropout.

Be ProactiveAs soon as a student begins to slide academically, educational solutions should be applied to help the teen overcome their academic obstacles. All too often grade declines are not addressed early enough because the parent may feel it is a problem that will

correct itself. It is generally better to address the problem early on, before the student grades begin to spiral downward.

Make learning fun during home-work and study time. Students can make the flash cards from their study material and make review time into a game show format using flash cards.

Parents, stay engagedParents can help their teen develop an interest in learning by asking their teen to tell them three concepts they learned in their classes each day. This keeps parents involved and kids sharp!

Use the buddy systemTeens typically benefit from reviewing for tests and quizzes with a friend in their class. Reviewing with one or more friends can add interest and fun to study and review time. When a student is asked to teach a core concept to another student they generally have an increase in their own understanding and better retain the core concepts.


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Kindergarten Redshirting: Is It Right for Your Child?

There are pros and cons to holding back a young child for academic and social reasons, and strong opinions abound on

both sides of the controversial practice.by June Allan Corrigan

When it came time to enroll her third child in kinder-garten, Stephanie Snyder of Indio, Calif., was in a bit of a quandary. Her son Nicholas would actually turn five before the school’s cutoff date, but just barely. His mid-October birthday meant he would enter at age four and spend that year, and likely all the ones following, be-ing among the youngest in his class. The same dilemma had not presented itself when her two older sons started kindergarten because they both had spring birthdays. Ultimately she and her husband, Tim, decided to have Nicholas remain in a preschool setting another year. “It could have worked either way,” Stephanie says now, some eight years later. “But I really think he’s benefited socially, emotionally, and academically by not being the youngest in his class all these years.”

Perhaps you’re considering postponing the kindergar-ten enrollment of your age-eligible child as the Snyders did. If so, you’re not in a minority. This practice is com-monly referred to as “redshirting”—a term that comes from the world of college sports and describing athletes who sit out a year or more to extend their time of playing eligibility. Coaches also figure that by keeping certain athletes off the field for a year, they’ll have more time to grow and develop their skills. Many parents with chil-dren poised to start school have adopted the same line of thinking. Preface “redshirting” with the word “academ-ic,” and you have a trend that shows no signs of slowing down. But are you really doing your child a favor by having him sit on the bench, so to speak?

“Depends on the child,” says Lilian G. Katz, codirec-tor of the Clearinghouse on Early Education and Parent-ing and a professor emerita at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. “There is such a distinction between academic and intellectual goals for young children and when and whether a child has achieved them. That alone can play an enormous role in determining if he or she is ready for kindergarten or even 1st grade.”

Only nine percent of children were being redshirted

back in the mid-1990s. By 2007, 16.4 percent of chil-dren entering kindergarten were age six or older, accord-ing to the National Center for Education Statistics. The jump likely has to do with schools’ increasing emphasis on academic achievement and parents’ growing atten-tiveness to their kids’ emotional needs. And since boys’ neurological maturity occurs slightly later than girls’ does, it’s no surprise they represent the lion’s share of these statistics, especially if a birthday happens to fall in the latter half of the year.

For parents on the fence about whether to redshirt, it may be comforting to note that the above children’s experiences dovetail neatly with data compiled by the National Associ-ation for the Education of Young Children. “Our research shows that even if there is a benefit from redshirting to a child in the first year or years, by 3rd grade, any differences between children held back and those not is minimal—and often nonexistent,” says Kyle Snow, director of the Center for Applied Research at the NAEYC.

As former president of the NAEYC, Sharon Lynn Kagan recalls that her stance, and that of the organization, was that children should be encouraged to enter kindergarten at their chronological age. She continues to hold that conviction in her present position as codirector of the National Center for Children and Families at Teachers College, Columbia University, in New York City. “Parents have the right to do what they want to do, but schools have the obligation to tailor their curriculum to meet the needs of individual kids,” she says. “The reality is you’re always going to have some kids that are going to be more advanced and some kids that are going to be less advanced, and redshirting doesn’t really address the problem. The problem that needs to be addressed is what’s going on inside those kindergar-ten classrooms. Kindergartens need to be ready to accept children with diverse needs.”

Freelance writer June Allan Corrigan, of LaQuinta, CA is a mother of two and a former kindergarten teacher.

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Using temperament profiles and developmental assessments, parents and children will learn positive skills and design behavior plans that maximize each child’s potential.

Therapists consult with teachers and parents, developing behavioral interventions that work at home, play and school. Therapists are available to make home-visits, school observations and attend IEP meetings. Mental health screenings for anxiety, depression, AD/HD, etc. are available.

Child, Youth & Teen ServicesTemperament Assessment

Therapy with ChildrenIn APPLE FamilyWorks’ child-centered “playrooms,” skilled therapists create a safe and accepting environment for children to share their experiences and express their feelings through a guided, self-healing process. Using a wide variety of expressive arts, including FamilyWorks’ specialized sand-tray materials, children “play” in ways that allow them to bring their thoughts and emotions to the surface. As children’s experiences and knowledge are more and more freely communicated through play, the therapist works with those themes as a vehicle for self- acceptance.

Therapy with TeensAPPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with adolescents to support their journey to adulthood.

Using various forms of expressive arts therapy, interactive play/exercises and outdoor activities, teens find new ways to resolve problems, build greater self-esteem and enhance their social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.

staring off, and a hint of calmness. If you catch this wave of tiredness and put the child to sleep then, there will be no crying. I like the analogy of surfing, because timing is so important there, too; you have to catch the wave after it rises enough to be recognized but before it crashes.”

Take your timeAlthough we are all born with an innate biological

clock, newborns take some time to establish their circadi-an rhythm. This is the reason for unorganized sleep under four months of age. But as the baby grows -and with the help of the parents -- it starts to build more of a regular sleep/wake pattern and over time they start learning to sleep in sync with their internal rhythms. However, you must bear in mind that this internal timing system is ge-netically predisposed, allowing for individual variation and ensuring that no two children have exactly the same sleep patterns.

Sleep Rhythmscontinued from page 9

Educating ourselves on the way our internal clock influences our sleep helps us to make sure our family is getting the quality sleep they deserve. When proper rest is acquired, it in turn creates the opportunity for “optimal wakefulness.” If we set our children up on this produc-tive sleep path, we are giving them the best opportunity to practice healthy sleep habits and lead a positive and constructive lifestyle.

Diana Julian is a Certified Child Sleep Consultant, Originally from the UK, Diana graduated from the School of Justice Studies and Social Inquiry at Arizona State Uni-versity with a specialization in developmental psychology and English. When her sleep-challenged son Owen was born, a friend suggested she talk to a sleep professional. This life changing encounter set Diana on a path which eventually led to her starting her own business as a child sleep consultant. Diana now offers in-home and online consultancy, and is the only qualified child sleep consultant in the entire state of Montana. You can find out more at her website, www.BigSkyLullaby.com.

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In the initial weeks of transition from middle school to high school, teens often benefit from assistance in helping them to adapt to the more complex curriculum. Teens who can learn to enjoy learning and apply educational solutions when they face challenges will always be successful. Stu-dents who struggle in school can learn new methods to help them meet the new curriculum expectations, restore their scholastic self-esteem and make the most of their

Transitioning to High Schoolcontinued from page 19

high school years!Barbara Dianis, MA ED, overcame dyslexia in her own

life using self-taught strategies and techniques. She went on to earn a BA Degree in Education and Special Education, as well as a Master’s Degree in Education, Special Edu-cation Pre-k- 12th, Language Learning Disabilities, and Psychometry. As CEO and Founder of Dianis Educational Systems, LLC she has influenced society to view students with various learning issues as capable students who can overcome their learning issues if they are taught properly. Dianis has also run an educational tutoring business for the past 20 years that have helped thousands of students with dyslexia, ADD, ADHD, and learning differences to achieve enormous scholastic and professional successes.

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Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Independent Living Skills

Parenting Support Services• Parenting and co-parenting

• Childbirth education

• Child development and family planning

• Behavior management and stress reduction

• Early intervention in postpartum depression

• Positive and peaceful discipline

• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise

• Household management, and transportation

• Financial management and budgeting

• Development of social support systems

• Linkage with others services

• Academic growth

• Behavior management

• Stress Reduction skills

• Injury prevention

• Nutrition

• Health promotion and exercise

• Hygiene and self-care

• Housekeeping

• Transportation skills

• Community access

• Employment readiness

• Financial management and budgeting

• Development of social support Systems Serving 11 Greater

Bay Area Counties



“When it comes to parenting support and

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CPR & First Aid ClassesLearn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.

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