fwm 2011 01 and 02

� January & February, �011 familyworks.org

One-Hand Reception

When you hold a crying kid

with one hand and take a

call with the other.

Flea-Flicker

The family dog, especially

when lounging on your

child’s bed.

Turnover

The point at which one

child’s allotted water-

fountain period ends and

another’s begins.

Strong Safety

The moment at which a

parent says “Hold my hand!

We’re in a parking lot!”

Moms are often stereotyped as being football-illiterate. First down? Red zone? Fullback? But in the spirit of the Super Bowl (aka “Wife-on-Her-Own Day”) on February 6, here are 16 football terms that have double-meanings in the context of raising kids -- meanings that endure well beyond an over-hyped three-hour period on an otherwise useful Sunday afternoon:

Mom’s Super Bowl Lingo

First Down!

Parental exclamation

after the younger of two

siblings goes to sleep.

Running Back

What you do five minutes

after you’ve left the house

without ample pacifiers.

Halftime

How to settle the issue of

getting one free cookie but

having two children on the

verge of fighting over it.

Good Field Position

A shady picnic spot in the park,

far from other children and dog

poop.

Red Zone

What keeps companies like Desitin

and Vaseline in business.

Offensive Line

“Be quiet!”

Defensive Line

“But she hit me first!”

30-Second Time-Out

When you run out of time

to give a full one.

Instant Replay

What happens when the

first restaurant-menu tic-

tac-toe game ends in a tie.

Extra Point

The benefit of mechanical

pencils over typical #2s.

Pass Protection

In the minivan, when your

child tells you the left lane

is clear.

Tight End

The part of a child’s sock

that is hardest to put on.

Joel Schwartzberg is an award-winning essayist and author of “The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad” (www.bookfordad.com)

January & February, �011 �familyworks.org

January & February, 2011

APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: [email protected]

Read FamilyWorks Magazine on-line at www.familyworks.org

Sponsorship Information: Doug Silberstein Phone: (415) 492-1022 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]

Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: [email protected]: This major family magazine is published bi-monthly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Coun-ties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 200 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2010 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: [email protected]

Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-SmithEditor: Lew TremaineMarketing: Doug SilbersteinArt Director/Website: Christine M. AstinWeb Publisher: Art Severe

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FamilyWorks® Board of Directors:Anjana Berde, PresidentPaul Ricken, Vice PresidentMark Clark, SecretaryMaria Villani, TreasurerVicky Smirnoff

2 Mom’s Super Bowl Lingo ByJoelSchwartzberg

4 Demystifying Therapy ByMaryJaneDeWolf-SmithMA,RN,MFT

APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs

12Counseling Programs

13 Family Interactive Therapy

14 Support for Individuals

15 APPLE FamilyWorks Toy Drive a Success

16 School Spotlight: Marin Country Day School

This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license.

Content is the responsibility of FamilyWorks.

awarded to

FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks®

18 Don’t Focus on Your Child’s Happiness ByGaryDirenfeld,LCSW

22 Dollar Snacks By David Boesch

6 The Year of No Regrets byDotieDeHart


by Mary JaneDeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA,Licensed Marriage& Family Therapist

Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Learn more great parenting skills in her Positive & Peaceful Parenting class. Call (415) 492-0720 to sign up or make an appointment for counseling services.

Language and LabelsWhat do we need to know about these

labels? Each profession has a unique language, just as people in all different types of groups have their own sayings to communicate a larger concept or belief. Sometimes this short form of language is helpful for us all. Some-times it excludes us from participating or understanding. In some cases it even creates an unhealthy division between people who ideally would be working together for a common goal.

I invite you to follow along as I share the changes that have occurred in the healing professions, by way of my path to become a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). In this way, together, we can demystify therapy.

Old SchoolMy education at the University of

California Medical Center’s School of Nursing focused on “total patient care” – mind/body/spirit, but the medical cli-mate was a top down system. Step up - and your job was in jeopardy. I noticed that patients would be bewildered about what was “being done” to them. Nurses

were restricted as to what information they could offer. Too often the patients were bewildered - feeling that perhaps they were not smart enough to be let in on the treatment, or that the illness was too devastating to know the truth. The patients truly had to be patient to get enough information - to even begin to participate in their healing.

In those days the notion that women could participate in childbirth was very new, but U.C.S.F. was a pioneer. I was delighted to complete the training at U.C.S.F. to become a certified childbirth educator. The approach was holistic. I guided the woman and her partner to utilize healing visualization, progressive relaxation, movement, positive self-talk as well as knowledge of the mind/body connection.

It was my experiences with hundreds of families that provided the impetus for founding APPLE FamilyWorks in 1978. We knew that the labor began after the birth. We were pioneers in providing childbirth and parenting education pro-grams, for at that time - mothers clubs, or new mothers groups did not exist.

DemystifyingTherapyOld School versus 21st Century Healing

Freudian...Object Relations... Psychodynamic...Rational-Emotive...Control Mastery... Cognitive...Behavioral...Bowenian...Rogerian...

the list goes on...

Individual

Group

Child

Couples

by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Learn more great parenting skills in her Positive & Peaceful Parenting class. Call (415) 492-0720 to sign up or make an appointment for counseling services.


People were isolated. Personal com-puters were very rare and the Internet was non-existent. We did not live in a global economy. Few thought “green” or about interconnectivity. With no MRI’s, PET scans, or digital imagery neurosci-ence was in its infancy. Sterilization and schedules were the rule. Germs were the source of illness. Lifestyle was peripheral. Mind/body medicine? What was that?

Mental Health and the MediaToo many movies portray therapists

as goofy folks with messed up lives, no boundaries, illicit fantasies about their patients, and unprofessional conduct. Go further back to Freud in Vienna, and it’s not surprising that the public may think that therapists are wacky. Freud believed that all mental imbalance was to be blamed on the mother-child rela-tionship. Psychological problems were a result of the conflict between primitive sexual urges (the Id) and the conscience (the Superego). The psychiatrist of those days based practice on decoding the symbolic meaning of dreams to uncover the struggle between the three “parts’ of the psyche. Patients (with money to spend) worked with their doctors three times a week for years.

Now we know that no such mental topography exists (no brain map with Ego, Id, and Superego), but in the early to mid 1900’s – such beliefs were wide-spread. Schizophrenia was the result of “refrigerator mothers” – cold, uncar-ing women who failed to nurture their children. Depression was the result of self-centered people failing to appreciate their good fortunes. Imbalanced neuro-chemistry, genetic predispositions, and societal stress were not seen as causes of mental distress. Choose a better mother, be self-discipline, or become institutionalized. Take your choice. (Of course I’m oversimplifying here, but you get the drift.)

One Flew Over the Cuckkoo’s Nest exposed the mistreatment taking place in mental “hospitals”. Later famous ac-tors revealed their struggles with mental

illness and began to educate the public about its neurochemical underpinnings. More recently movies, such as A Beauti-ful Mind, revealed the devastation that neurochemical imbalances have on brilliant minds. By accident, Lithium (a natural salt) was discovered to help people with manic depression (now called Bipolar Disorder). In the past three years, outstanding breakthroughs have taken place to help those with se-rious mental disorders. Sadly, the press leaps on opportunities to discredit psy-choactive drugs without offering a bal-anced view. An example of life-saving benefits of medication, include women with pre and postpartum depression who are now able to nurture their infants and their families.

New School BeginsIn the late 1950’s Virgina Satir (a

social worker) and others, introduced the concept of Family Systems into the lexicon of the therapy world. Her book, “Conjoint Family Therapy” showed the effectiveness of looking at the entire family and including them in the healing of the member who was the “identified patient”. Individual therapy continued, but even when the “unit of treatment” was one family member, therapists wished to understand the interrelation-ships of family, work, culture, ethnicity and more. With increased ease of travel and improved global communication, eastern thinking became introduced into our society. Buddhism, Meditation, Accupuncture, and inspiring physicians like Deepak Chopra came on the scene. Heart disease was no longer just about the organ and vessels. It was about life-style. The “scientific method” joined with (or competed with) theories, which embrace the mind/body connection and the opportunity to “heal thyself”. Holism was here. Health Maintenance Organizations, such as Kaiser Perma-nente, include patients in creating their own wellness. Preventing illness is a goal, which serves the patient and the provider.

When I was in nursing school I

could not see myself as a psychiatric nurse. In that era, Freudian Psychiatry was the rule. But by 1990 things had changed. The Masters of Psychology program, which prepares one to become a therapist, had evolved to include many different skills from many theoretical approaches including Family Systems. I eagerly anticipated joining a profession in which healing was a shared endeavor between client and professional. I loved seeing the interactive process unfold where guided self-discovery and prob-lem solving was the rule – not the excep-tion. As a therapist I could be a catalyst to create awareness of patterns and interpersonal dynamics, to create oppor-tunities for clients to celebrate diversity, to understand gender differences and individual temperaments. As a Family Therapist I learned to help individuals, couples, and entire families identify and then build on their strengths, try out new skills, grow stronger in self-confidence and build effective family systems.

21st Century TherapyThere is no “right” kind of therapy. At

FamilyWorks we offer opportunities to utilize a variety of modalities, sand-tray, art, movement, and more. Therapy is not a “one size fits all” endeavor. Individu-als learn and grow in their own unique fashion and it is the professional thera-pists’ job to discover what works best for each client, to discover the client’s own series of connections, ecology, and sustainability.

At APPLE FamilyWorks, we believe that counseling and psychotherapy should not be a mystery. Our therapists work with clients to achieve the client’s goals, to educate and encourage, and to enhance clients’ lives. We encourage you to ask your therapist to describe or define core terminology or diagnostic language that may interest you, and to explore ideas about how people grow and thrive.

Modern therapy is an active process. It is engaging and it is liberating. What better way to grow a healthy family than to invest in body/mind health?

One Flew Over the Cuckkoo’s Nest

A Beauti-ful Mind,

five

approaches, including

familytherapist


Have you ever noticed that we Ameri-cans have a tendency to put things off? Sure, you have goals, desires, and good intentions. You want to pay off the mortgage, spend some quality time with Grandma while the chance is still there, and find a job that’s actually fulfilling, to name a few. The thing is, you keep putting it all off, waiting on a “some-day” that never comes. Meanwhile, the humdrum years keep rolling by—and suddenly you realize you’re at the end of your life, left with a bevy of regrets.

It’s a dismal fate for sure—one from which Andrea Reiser, 44, was rescued by the unlikeliest of saviors: the discov-ery of her BRCA-1 (breast cancer) gene. Having lost her mother to the devastat-ing disease and seen her sister undergo treatments to remove a (thankfully) microscopic tumor, Reiser made the courageous decision to undergo a pro-phylactic mastectomy in 2007—which changed her family’s lives forever.

As she emerged from her surgery, Reiser says, she could practically see the headline “Life Is Short—Choose to Live the Life You Want” flashing before her in bright lights.

“I had long measured opportunity using the ‘regret factor’—as in, ‘If I pass up this opportunity, will I regret it?’ recalls Reiser, who, along with her husband, David, is co-author of the new book Letters From Home: A Wake-up Call for Success & Wealth (Wiley, 2010,

No RegretsISBN: 978-0-4706379-2-0, $27.95, www.ReiserMedia.com). “But after I awoke in the hospital after my mastec-tomy, I think I truly understood and ap-preciated just how short and precious life is—and also for the first time, I asked myself honestly if mine looked the way I really wanted it to.”

Inspired by Andrea’s revelation, the entire Reiser family—Andrea, David, and their four school-age sons—re-located to a new community within three months: one that offered a variety of professional, social, cultural, and educational opportunities they had long wished for. And they haven’t looked back since.

In fact, the many rewards they’ve reaped from taking this initial risk in-spired Andrea and David to write Let-ters From Home. Written in the form of letters to the authors’ sons, it explores fifteen basic American virtues that built our country and that foster individual re-gret-less success. Each chapter includes profiles of exceptional “real people”—the authors’ wealth management clients, friends, and neighbors—who truly walk the walk.

“People often don’t want to face it, but we’re all going to die someday,” David points out. “And the fact of the matter is, life is just too short for regrets.”

It’s true—and you don’t have to wait for a big, life-changing moment to, well, change your life. You can decide to do

The Year of

We all have regrets. And weall wish that we could erase them. Well, say Andrea and David Reiser, you can’t change the past—but you can shape the future so that your life reflects what’s really important to you from now on. (Can you think of a better New Year’s resolution than that?)

By Dottie DeHart


it right now with tools that are already at your disposal—and the fresh New Year that’s just around the corner is the perfect clean slate to start on.

Read on to discover thirteen things inspired by Letters From Home that you can do in the next year to truly live up to your potential. You’ll also encounter some excellent real-life examples of changed lives:

Brush the Dust off of Your “Dirty Little Secret”

No, we’re not talking about skeletons in the closet—we’re talking about what you really want out of life. Often, we’re afraid to admit to our heart’s desires, dreams, and purposes because they aren’t “practical” or “safe.” It’s time to stop that kind of defeatist thinking. This year, take a step toward your heart’s desire. If you want to change careers, for example, enroll in a night class that will beef up the skill set you’ll need. If you want to move to a new place, take the plunge and put your house on the market.

“Our friend Alysa Mendelson Graf is a perfect example of following your heart,” recounts Andrea. “She left a successful law career to become a rabbi—which, at the time, seemed crazy to a lot of people who knew her! You know what, though? She’s never been happier, and she’s changing the world to boot.”

Do Something that Makes You (not your mom or your husband or your best friend) Happy

Who’s happiest that your life looks the way it does? Hint: If it’s not you, something’s wrong. Often, our choices and circumstances are very heavily shaped by what (often well-meaning) friends, family, and coworkers want for us. No, you shouldn’t be living a selfish life that’s influenced only by your own needs and wants, but you do have the right to mental peace and fulfillment.

“Take a good long look at your job, your hobbies, your priorities—even the way you dress and what you eat,” encourages David. “If the choice to go down one of these paths isn’t one you made yourself, it’s time to change course.”

Put Five Things you Want to Do this Year on the Calendar

It should take you about five seconds to think of five things you’d like to see happen in the next year. Whether that includes a trip to the mountains with your kids or accumulating twenty-five new clients, assign dates and deadlines. It’s a mistake to just let things “happen,” because they rarely do on their own.

“Ever notice that ‘someday’ never comes?” asks Andrea. “That’s because there isn’t a date attached to it! Unless you proactively plan what you want to

Thirteen Steps to a More Fulfilled Life

Take a good long look at your job, your hobbies, your priorities—even the way you dress and what you eat. If the choice to go down one of these paths isn’t one you made yourself, it’s time to change course.

continued on page 8


do and when you want to do it, you’ll lose a lot of time puttering around or floundering about in inde-cision. If you actively plan the life you want, you’ll be much more likely to live it.”

Figure Out What You’re Good At and Make it a Part of Your Life

So, you’re a whiz at organization…or gifted with the ability to write mov-ingly…or able to make a garden bloom in the most blasted of soils. Now, are you utilizing those abilities on a daily basis? No? Then it’s time to start. Instead of shoring up your weaknesses or existing at the intersection of mediocre and mun-dane, dare to live in your strengths.

“This year, strive to identify at least one thing you enjoy and are good at, and incorporate it into your life regularly,” urges David. “This might mean starting a new hobby, using a talent to volun-tarily help others, putting out feelers for a new job, or even taking steps to start a small business of your own. Remember to measure your life using the ‘regret factor’—if you don’t do these things, will you regret it?”

Work Hard at the Mundane Things

They’re paving the way to exciting things! The majority of the time, big goals aren’t achieved through one he-roic effort or stroke of genius. They’re reached a little bit at a time through a series of very small victories. If you want to get from “here” to “there,” you need to understand that no task or re-sponsibility is too small or insignificant not to deserve your full effort. If you neglect the little things, you’ll never gain enough ground to make the big things a reality—and you’ll always be left wanting more.

“Take a look at your daily routines

and run-of-the-mill tasks, and ask yourself if you’re really giving them all you’ve got,” suggests Andrea. “Our boys have learned what hard work looks like partially by watching Eli Zabar, who is a walking billboard for what a strong work ethic can accomplish. He has become an icon of the New York City gourmet food world through his proprietorship of numerous markets, restaurants, and other operations. What got him there, though, is the fact that he considers ev-ery job to be important—plus, no detail is ever beneath his notice.”

The Next Time You Get Knocked Down— Whatever You Do— Don’t Stay There

Sometime in the next year, things aren’t going to go entirely your way (disappointment and failure happen to everyone!). Being human means that you can’t always stop bad things from happening; however, you can choose how you respond to them. The next time you face a disappointment or setback, ask yourself how you can best move forward from your current circum-stances—then do it.

“Sure, picking yourself back up is easier said than done…but again, will you regret wasting the time you spent feeling sorry for yourself?” David asks. “The answer is almost always ‘yes.’”

This year, take a cue from New Yorker Patrick Ciriello and cultivate resiliency. Ciriello, whose story is told in Letters From Home, lost his com-mercial mortgage banking job and a large portion of his savings in the recent Great Recession, but he didn’t wallow in his misfortune. He streamlined his family’s finances, and when no new positions appeared on the horizon; he decided to blaze a new professional trail as a financial advisor.

Make every dollar count. Starting now, figure out exactly what you have, where it’s going, and what you’d like for your finances to look like twelve months from now.


Get Conscious of Where Your Money’s Going

Make every dollar count. Starting now, figure out exactly what you have, where it’s going, and what you’d like for your finances to look like twelve months from now. Once you’ve got those “basics” out of the way, plan a realistic budget and stick to it.

“Remember, financial freedom looks different for everyone, but no one gets there without careful planning and disciplined spending,” reminds David. “I’ve certainly been inspired by our friends Amy and Howie Blustein. They constantly utilize self-restraint, prudent spending, and thoughtful goal setting to ensure their quality of life, now and in the future. It’s mighty impressive that they save their raises and pay their credit card bills in full each month!”

Realize that “Balance” Doesn’t Refer Just to Your Checkbook

You’ve got a job, a family, friends, hobbies, a house to care for, and perhaps a place of worship to attend, to name just a few portions of your life. It’s essential to make sure that no one area is sapping your time and energy, to the detriment of the others. Write down what the major components of your own life are, and (hearkening back to an earlier piece of advice), look at your calendar, and figure out how each is going to fit into your days, weeks, and months.

In their book, the Reisers point to San Franciscan Stefani Phipps as a prime example of someone who has figured out how to balance her obligations and interests. She has created two very dif-ferent selves: “Work Stefani” (a highly successful banker) and “Life Stefani” (a woman who plays the harp, dances, has been to culinary school, and travels often). What’s more, Stefani has woven Work Stefani and Life Stefani together into one unique and fulfilled individual.

“You can do the same,” insists Andrea.

Learn Something New

The fact that you have a diploma doesn’t mean you know it all. In fact, a key part of growing as a human being is constantly acquiring new pieces of information, new skills, new ideas, and new experi-ences. This will keep your curiosity piqued, your appetite whetted, and your horizons expanded—all of which keep you from stagnating or backsliding.

“Depending on your interests and preferences, come up with a ‘syllabus’ for yourself,” suggests Andrea. “For example, resolve to read one new book a month. When you hear an interesting news story, find a co-worker or friend to discuss it with. Sign up for a new kind of exercise class at the gym. Choose a new place to visit, far or near. The pos-sibilities for growth are endless!”

Replace Your Two Hours of Evening TV with Something Productive

What a radical notion, right? Give it a try, though, and at the end of twelve months, you’ll be glad you did. Whether you commit to keeping the screen blank a couple evenings a week or every day, you’ll find that you’ve found the extra time you didn’t think you had.

“When you nix a television show or two that—let’s face it—you didn’t care that much about anyway, you realize that there’s no excuse for not cleaning out the garage, volunteering in your com-munity, or taking the kids to the park for some fresh air,” points out David.

Start Speaking UpWhether you feel badly about not ex-

pressing well-deserved gratitude, say, or wish you’d found the guts to stand up for yourself to the workplace bully,

To get started, focus on the blessings in your life. Think about the people you truly love and value, and write them letters telling themwhat they meanto you.

continued on page 10

10 January & February, �011 familyworks.org

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chances are you know what it feels like to want a communi-cation do-over. Very often, our regrets center on not saying what we need or want to say in our relation ships with others. This year, promise yourself that you’ll nip the “wish I’d said” in the bud.

“To get started, focus on the blessings in your life,” suggests Andrea. “Think about the people you truly love and value, and write them letters telling them what they mean to you. They, as well as you, will be uplifted and inspired. Then, move on to the conversations that you haven’t been looking forward to. It won’t be as pleasant, but you’ll be glad you discussed with your coworker how his procrastination negatively affects your own work, for example, or told your friend how her backhanded compliments hurt you.”

Find a Way to Give Back

It doesn’t matter how much money you make, what your job title is, or how many square feet are in your house. By themselves, those things a happy life does not make. You’ve also got to acknowledge and appreciate your blessings, and use them to give back to others. Believe it or not, the purest and most lasting joy you’re likely to experience will come from helping someone other than yourself.

“This year, find a way to consistently add positive value to an individual, group, or community,” David advises. “You might forgo one or two nights out a month and donate the money you would have spent to a charity you feel strongly about, for example. And for a milestone birthday or anniversary, suggest to friends who wish to honor the occasion that they make a donation to a favorite charity instead of giving you a gift. Also, remember that your time and talents are just as valuable as money and can be donated in countless ways: Deliver a meal to a neighbor who’s just undergone surgery. Spend two hours tutoring underprivileged children. Or accompany your child’s class on a field trip as a chaperone. ”

Get Rid of Something That’s Weighing You Down

You know that bad habit that constantly nags at you? This is the year to kick it. Whether your sticking point is smoking, gossiping, treating your spouse disrespectfully, splurging when-ever you have a tough day, sneaking a stack of Oreos late at night, or something else entirely, figure out how you can leave it behind once and for all.

“If willpower isn’t enough—and with ingrained habits, it often isn’t—proactively seek out a friend who can provide ac-countability and support,” Andrea offers. “Also, dig around for books or websites that offer strategies on reaching your goal. Chances are strong that you’re not the first to face a particular

obstacle—so learn from the experiences and advice of those who have been there before.”

“When we look at the people in our own lives—family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances—who live fulfilled lives, we’re able to identify most of these habits and traits in all of them,” conclude the Reisers. “No, there’s no way to guarantee a successful, happy life—but you can create a best-odds scenario! This year, commit to making your life one that you really enjoy living. After all, life’s too short not to.”

The Reisers practice what they preach. They are proud to contribute 100 percent of royalties and other income from the publication of the book by supporting three per-sonally meaningful charities in the following proportion: 50 percent to Share Our Strength (www.strength.org), 40 percent to Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center (www.mskcc.org), and 10 percent to FORCE (www.facingour-risk.org).

No Regretscontinued from page 9

January & February, �011 11familyworks.org

Child-Centered Co-ParentingParents who are living apart learn how to raise their children harmoniously, keep children “out of the middle” and safely in each of their lives. Parents attend separate classes and learn to:

• Deal with each other respectfully

• Increase cooperation

• Make co-parenting decisions calmly

• Divide child-rearing tasks equitably

• Manage constantly shifting schedules

• Stop tantrums and dawdling

• Design consequences that work

• End rudeness & backtalk

Seven Tuesday evenings: Jan. 11 - Feb. 22, 2011Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.

P o s i t i v e& P e a c e f u l ParentingLearn Keys to Increasing:• Cooperation • Self-esteem • Responsibilty• Communication • Respect • Discipline

Viewing Life Today• Being a Proactive Parent • Identifying Your Universal Principles

Growing Great Kids• Understanding How Kids Work • Ensuring Goodness of Fit• Making Work Fun

Listening and Talking• Listening Effectively• Decreasing Impulsive Behavior

Problem Solving that Gets Results• Using the Magical “When...Then”• Designing Charts that Get Results• Revamping “Time Out”

Feeling More Confident• Being Positive and Persistent• Sharing Successes• Setting Positive Consequences

Four Tuesday evenings:Jan. 11 - Feb. 1, 2011Earn a certificate of completion at graduation.

Parenting Programs

familyworks.org 415-492-0720

Therapy and Life Skills Center

ExploringMotherhoodFor Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to 9 months).Spanish speaking group: Tuesdays, 10 a.m. to noon and English speaking goup Fridays from 10 a.m. until noon at Marin Community Clinic in Novato.Spanish speaking group Thursdays 10 AM to Noon at Marin Community Clinic in San Rafael. • Share experiences, ideas, and support

• Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood

• Learn how to increase infant health & happiness

• Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress

• Reduce anxiety and depression

Free!

1� January & February, �011 familyworks.org


Family Therapy and CouplesCounseling Concerns, hopes and dreams, as well as practical and effective relationship tools are explored. The result is increased understanding and empathy, more cooperation and more fun in family life through:

• Managing Child Behavior• Resolving Hurts and Conflicts• Dealing with Anxiety, Depression and Addictions• Sharing Child Rearing • Planning for Play• Managing Anger• Creating Cooperative Responsible Children

AssessmentUsing temperament profiles and developmental assessments, parents and children will learn positive skills and design behavior plans that maximize each child’s potential. Therapists consult with teachers and parents, developing behavioral interventions that work at home, play and school. Therapists are available to make home-visits, school observations and attend IEP meetings. Mental health screenings for anxiety, depression, AD/HD, etc. are available.

IndividualUtilizing a variety of theoretical approaches, APPLE FamilyWorks’ therapists help individuals to develop healthy life skills and increase their social-emotional well being. We are skilled in helping with a broad range of relationship and psychological issues, including:• Life Stage Transitions• Anxiety• Abuse• Depression• Anger & Conflict• Improved Self-Esteem• Grief & Loss• Stress

Therapy with ChildrenWith a wide variety of child-centered expressive arts, includingspecialized sand-tray materials, children bring their thoughts and emotions to the surface allowing the child to build self-esteem and enhance emotional regulation.

Therapy with TeensAPPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with adolescents to support their journey to adulthood. Using various forms of expressive arts therapy, interactive play/exercises and outdoor activities, teens find new ways to resolve problems, build greater self-esteem and enhance their social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.

familyworks.org 415-492-0720Adjustable Fees

Therapy Programs

January & February, �011 1�familyworks.org


Therapy and Life Skills CenterFamily Interactive Therapy

F. I.T Services:When Family members want to improve communication and learn problem solving skills, Family Interactive Therapy at FamilyWorks, offers a unique program.

Family Meeting

Individual Counseling

Initially the parents share concerns with their therapist, followed by an opportunity for the entire family to set and meet their goals. Then, individual family members may be interviewed. An action plan is designed to meet the needs of each individual and the entire family.

Families may choose to benefit from the one way mirror option, in which child development assessments are made and family members can practice the skills they are learning with the assistance of an APPLE FamilyWorks therapist. Parents may receive guidance through an ear bud as the therapist observes interactions through the one-way mirror. One-way Mirror Option


Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities

Independent Living Skills

Parenting Support Services



CPR & First Aid Classes

• Parenting and Co-Parenting

• Childbirth Education

• Child Development and Family Planning

• Behavior Management and Stress Reduction

• Early Intervention in Postpartum Depression

• Positive and Peaceful Discipline

• Family Health Promotion and Hygiene

• Injury Prevention, Nutrition, and Exercise

• Household Management, and Transportation

• Financial Management and Budgeting

• Development of Social Support Systems

• Linkage with Others Services

• Academic Growth

• Behavior Management

• Stress Reduction Skills

• Injury Prevention

• Nutrition

• Health Promotion and Exercise

• Hygiene and Self-care

• Housekeeping

• Transportation Skills

• Community Access

• Employment Readiness

• Financial Management and Budgeting

• Development of Social Support Systems

Saturday, January 22, 2011CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PMFirst Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM

Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have

hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.


APPLE FamilyWorks Holiday Toy Drive a SuccessWith help from the Salvation Army, The San Francisco Fire Department and the students at Vallecito School, 145 children received holiday cheer this past December. TheVallecito students made and filled stockings for each child.


There is a belief by these parents that their children will be naturally appreciative and hence will behave inordinately well. However, when their children do not behave as hoped or expected, the parents will admonish the child, advising of how well the child has it and hence should act more rea-sonably. Typically, the child shrugs off the lecture and the parent feels more beholding to the child for upset caused by reasonable expectation and the parent winds up seeking to undo the child’s distress by giving in to the greater demands of the child. A vicious cycle ensues and eventually the child acts with a tremendous sense of entitlement, is out of control and increasingly is doing less and less in terms of reasonable expectations such as helping around the house or taking care of school work. The child does what he or she wants and literally nothing else. The parent feels impotent – helpless to do anything about the situation.

In truth, in the pursuit of their child’s happiness, parents forget to hold their child accountable to reasonable expec-tations. (P.C.) Rather than being concerned by the child’s objections to reasonable expectations, the parents need to concentrate on helping the child learn to tolerate frustration and learn to delay gratification and most important, learn to be responsible.

Parents must understand that they cannot purchase their

child’s happiness, nor can or should they spare them from feelings of frustration. A child’s frustration is the life lesson that they cannot get everything they want as they want it. Some things they may never have and other things they may have to plan for. Learning these lessons, the child learns that life does not revolve around just themselves, but around others as well. Thus, they learn to cooperate and get along with others in the pursuit of needs and wants. Further, the child learns that he or she cannot escape responsibilities and that the managing of responsibilities is tied to life’s rewards.

If you really want your child to grow up happy, the best thing a parent can do is concentrate on supporting their child to act responsibly.

As your child is responsible in behavior and responsible in taking care of chores, schoolwork and activities, then the child develops skills and learns how to cope in the world. Further, this child stays out of trouble, cooperates with oth-ers, and completes tasks in a timely fashion. This child gets to reap the rewards of their responsible behavior. They learn to cope with frustration and plan for things or events of interest. They also learn to cope with not obtaining everything they

By Gary DirenfeldMany parents strive to have happy kids. In their efforts, they are loathe to see their children upset and seem to do anything to allay the child’s consternation. So, what child wants, child gets. What child doesn’t want, child doesn’t have to do.


may want or desire. If your child learns this kind of responsibility, then your

child can be truly happy. This is the kind of happiness that comes from cooperation with others, intact relationships, and earning life rewards by one’s reasonable actions.

So, don’t focus on your child’s happiness. Focus on help-ing your child become responsible and happiness will be the outcome.

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, par-ent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations

Several APPLE FamilyWorks therapist are certified Triple P (Positive Parenting Program), parenting educators. They are available to work with parents to enhance their parent-ing skills, leading to cooperative and responsible children. 415-492-0720.

˚2 YR. LEASE AGREEMENT: Purchase of 24 consecutive months of any DIRECTV base programming package ($29.99/mo. or above) or qualifying international services bundle required. DVR service ($7/mo.) required for DVR and HD DVR lease. HD Access fee ($10/mo.) required for HD and HD DVR lease. FAILURE TO ACTIVATE IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE EQUIPMENT LEASE ADDENDUM MAY RESULT IN A CHARGE OF $150 PER RECEIVER. IF SERVICE IS TERMINATED EARLY, A CANCELLATION FEE OF $20/MO NTH REMAINING WILL APPLY. ALL EQUIPMENT IS LEASED AND MUST BE RETURNED TO DIRECTV UPON CANCELLATION, OR UNRETURNED EQUIPMENT FEES APPLY. VISIT directv.com OR CALL 1-800-DIRECTV FOR DETAILS. INSTALLATION: Standard professional installation only. Custom installation extra.Programming, pricing, terms and conditions subject to change at any time. Pricing residential. Taxes not included. Receipt of DIRECTV programming subject to DIRECTV Customer Agreement; copy provided at directv.com/legal and in first bill. ©2010 DIRECTV, Inc. DIRECTV and the Cyclone Design logo

With 2-year agreement.° Offer ends 2/9/11. Credit card required (except in MA & PA). New approved customers only (lease required). $19.95 Handling & Delivery fee may apply. Applicable use tax adjustment may apply on the retail value of the installation.

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Parents must understand that they cannot purchase their child’s happiness, nor can or should they spare them from feelings of frustration. A child’s frustration is the life lesson that they cannot get everything they want as they want it.


They believed that learning is a joyous and lifelong process and that each child’s unique gifts should be nurtured. They valued equally the development of mind, body, and spirit, and believed that members of a diverse school community could contribute immeasurably to the well-being of one another. The founders sought an environment that drew no attention to itself, but was closely linked to nature; one that allowed room for study and laughter, noise and quiet, thought and action; where children would “fall in love with going to school.”

School opened at the Bothin Youth Center in Fairfax in September 1956 with 70 students and 11 teachers. Funds were scarce but determination was abundant, beginning the longstanding tradition of MCDS parents pitching in where needed. The Paradise Drive property was located and, that spring, MCDS received an anony-mous donation which enabled its purchase. When it became clear in late summer that temporary buildings wouldn’t arrive in time, school opened in five circus tents, with construction pallets for walkways and Davis Rents for plumbing.

Fifty-four years later, the student body has grown to 560 with about 130 employ-ees, and the school has just completed an extensive campus renovation. Curriculum has evolved and been fine-tuned, many of the early traditions remain and some

In 1956, an adventurous group of parents and educators from Marin County and San Francisco joined together to found Marin Country Day School.

Marin Country Day School5221 Paradise DriveCorte Madera, CA 94925(415) 927-5900

Lucinda Lee KatzHead of School

Fall in lovewith going to school

School Spotlight


new ones have been invented – but what hasn’t changed is the hard-to-define MCDS spirit, the willingness to take on new challenges, and the careful attention to community.

A hallmark of the school from its inception has been a blending of tradi-tional and progressive educational mod-els, coupled with an outstanding faculty who constantly examine their practice to identify areas in which they can grow. MCDS is an adult-rich environment in which differences among children are valued; teachers serve as role models and work to support both personal and academic development. The academic program is rigorous yet broad and bal-anced with athletics, music, art and outdoor education. The school seeks to provide a safe environment in which to strive and to soar. Teachers work collaboratively in developing an active program that encourages students to question, to reason and to make con-nections. The classroom atmosphere is highly participatory, with teachers act-ing as coaches who encourage students’ exploration, discovery and reflection. The school believes that every student should have unusual opportunities to grow and thrive in and out of the classroom, and that girls and boys have much to learn from each other. Strong and enduring friendships are a tradition at MCDS. All students are encouraged to participate actively in every area of school life.

Inherent in the school’s ambitious mission is the challenge to help students become skilled learners – young people who possess not only a strong back-ground in skill and knowledge, but also the ability to think in a variety of ways and to apply their skills confidently in a rapidly changing future. Similarly, the school seeks to support its students by incorporating the core values of respect, responsibility, and compassion in their daily lives. MCDS hopes its graduates will understand and embrace the unusual opportunity and capacity they have to work toward a better world.

The 35-acre campus is bordered by

San Francisco Bay and a large nature preserve. The open and beautiful space gives children a chance to experience the environment as both an inspiring classroom and an expansive place to explore and play.

MCDS enjoys a tradition as a par-ticipatory place. Parents continue the legacy of the founders in working to

make the school even stronger for their own children and for those who will fol-low. Perhaps the school’s most enduring characteristic is its vibrant spirit – of families, teachers and staff engaged in working together to make MCDS a place where children still fall in love with go-ing to school.

A hallmark of the school from its inception has been a blending of traditional and progressive educational models, coupled with an outstanding faculty who constantly examine their practice to identify areas in which they can grow.

�0 January & February, �011 familyworks.org

(Infant - 4.5 years)

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Mill Valley Corte Madera San Anselmo

San Rafael

415.456.6630

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Family Dental Care

�� January & February, �011 familyworks.org

As we towed our camper from Arizona to Vermont whenever we stopped for gas, the kids descended like vultures into the convenience store. They would look up and down the snack isle and study each item individually. After what seemed like half an hour, they would return to the van to feast on Pringles, Sno Caps or Flaming Hot Cheetos.

My wife, Jill, and I figured the children would tire of this after a few days, but it only got worse. The seatback pockets were sticky from Slurpee cups, M & M’s accumulated between the seat cushions, and the floor crunched with each step. One day, Tommy picked out a large bag of Bugles, Joe was considering a “Moon Pie,” and Cami moved from pint-sized to quart-sized Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

We had to do something.

First we tried logic: “If you spend all your money at the Quickie Mart here in Iowa, you won’t have any money left to buy sou-

By David Boesch

venirs when we get to Africa.” Surely they would understand the importance of delayed gratification. This sound logic was met by a blank look that every parent knows well.

Being Catholic, we tried guilt. “You are spending money given to you on Jesus’ birthday. He died for your sins, and I don’t think he would want you to be buying junk food. Furthermore, there are people starving all over the world while you are overeating.” This was met by more empty stares followed by, “Dad, please move. You’re standing in front of the gummy bears.”

Drastic action was needed. My wife and I came up with the idea of a “dol-lar snack.” The rules were clear and simple: Each child was entitled to one snack per day as long as it was under a dollar and less than three hundred calories. Furthermore, we would buy the snack for them, and if they didn’t want a snack they could simply save the dollar to use on a non-food pur-chase. This approach would keep the

children from eating too much junk food, which was our goal. The

kids liked the idea, because they were sure to have a

daily treat, and without spending their own

money. Having solved this

problem in

DollarSnacksIn May, 2007, shortly before we left for a year-long trip around the world, our three children—Joe (13), Tommy (9), and Cami (7)—cleaned out their savings accounts and put all the money onto pre-loaded debit cards for the purpose of buying gifts and souvenirs along the way.

January & February, �011 ��familyworks.org

such a wise manner, we congratulated each other on our sublime parenting skills and slept the sleep of the innocent that night in the camper. It was a win-win solution.

What could possibly go wrong?

The following morning we stopped for gas. Jill and I were standing at the cash register when Tommy approached us carrying a big cellophane bag: “These pork rinds are on sale for a ninety cents but they are over three hundred calories, they are actually seven hundred. So can I eat 2/5 today, 2/5 tomorrow, and 1/5 the next day—and then take my dollar for the next two days?”

Jill, who had been teaching math to Tommy, said, “Sure, no problem. By the way, good use of fractions.”

I said, “Wait a minute. That’s a viola-tion of the spirit in which the rules were made. Put them back and get something else.”

Joe approached us next: “What about tax?”

“What do you mean?” I replied. “Well, these cream-filled raspberry

Zingers are a dollar, but tax will bring them up to $1.06.”

Jill said, “Sure, no problem.”But I said, “No way, it’s a dol-

lar total.” And Joe stormed off to join Tommy back in the van. Our generosity, it seemed, was not ap-preciated.

Once we left the country our kids became currency conversion experts, quickly learning how much local cur-rency they were allowed to spend on their dollar snacks: 6000 shilling snacks (Tanzania), 111 new Turkish lira snacks (Turkey), 40 rupee snacks (India), and 30 baht snacks (Thailand). The tax is-sue disappeared because every other country includes sales tax in the pur-chase price, but attempts at rule bending continued; Cami would select a food with marginal nutritional value, and, while giving me a hug and batting her big blue eyes, she would make the case that “chocolate milk shouldn’t count for

my dollar snack because it has lots of protein in it and that’s good for you.” Tommy tried eating all but a bite of a chocolate bar before announcing, “I hate this”, and asked if he could get a different one. We didn’t cross the International Dateline until April, but Joe began negotiating for an extra dollar snack three months earlier. (Jill and I gave in on that one.)

Now that we have been home for two years, whenever we leave town the kids always remind us to stop for dollar snacks while pining for our days in Argentina, where four pesos bought the most delicious treats on earth.

David Boesch is the author of a new touching and humorous new memoir, Pins on a Map: A Family’s Yearlong Journey Around the World, which follows this families year-long adventure around the world filled with laughter, unforgettable mo-ments, surprising discoveries, and a priceless education for their children. Starting with the family’s careful prepara-tions, the book fol-lows

their visits to nearly every continent on earth, from the first three memorable months spent in a travel trailer discover-ing hidden treasures across the US, to their sojourn through Europe, Africa, Asia, Australia and South America.

For more information about the au-thor, please visit www.pinsonamap.com or www.boeschfamilytravels.com. Pins On A Map: A Family’s Yearlong Jour-ney Around the World can be purchased on the author’s site, www.borders.com or www.barnesandnoble.com.

Ed. note. While few families can trav-el the world, as Author David Boesch’s family did, the age old struggle between parents and children and short term gratification versus common sense is familiar to us all.

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Organic Turkey DinnerHand-sliced Turkey Brest Garlic Green BeansTurkey Grravy Cranberry SauseSage Stuffing Single Dinner, $24Mashed Potatoes Dinner for 4, $92

Organic Pumpkin Lasagna DinnerVegeterian Pumpkin LasagnaGarlic Green BeansCranberry SauseSingle Dinner, $14 Dinner for 4, $52

Vegeterian Almond Loaf DinnerAlmond Loaf Garlic Green BeansWalnut Pecan Grravy Cranberry SauseSage Stuffing Single Dinner, $20Vegan Sashed Potatoes Dinner for 4, $76

Organic Homemade PiesPies Serve 6-8Wheat free Almand Crust is available for an additional $2Pumpkin Pie $21.98 Apple Pie $17.98Vegan Pumpkin Pie $15.98 Pecan Pie `$23.98

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