Engr. Arsenio Unajan Baquilid, D.M.

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INTRODUCTION

WHEN WE MARRIED someone, that was the most importantand difficult decision we had ever made in our life. It wasimportant because we knew it would significantly affect andchange our lifestyle. It was difficult because our decisionwas based on insufficient information about the person wewere about to marry. For example, did you have any idea howfar your spouse would make or unmake you personally andprofessionally? Will your spouse be able to accept you ofwhat you really are? Were you aware of all the weak andstrong points of your spouse-to-be as a person? These aresome of the very basic questions that must be answered inthe affirmative before deciding to marry someone. Buthonestly, many or even majority of the married people wouldanswer these questions in the negative.

Nevertheless, assuming that your answers to theforegoing questions were all “Yes”, then your experiencesand observations about married life would be: You did not findmany difficulties in making marriage happy and everlasting. Conversely, ifyour answers to the above questions were “No”, then yourexperiences and observations would be: You found many difficultiesin making marriage happy and everlasting.

SELECTING YOUR SPOUSE

This part of the paper is intended for single people whoare planning to get married. It is also applicable towidowers/widows who are choosing their next spouses. This isalso helpful to parents or everybody who would wish to advicetheir children or anyone planning to marry. At the outset,let me give them this old Russian proverb which says: Beforeembarking on a journey, pray once. Before leaving for war, pray twice. But beforeyou marry, pray three times! This proverb is like saying thatmarriage is very serious matter and you need Divine guidance.In fact the biggest question in our life is who to marry. Inmany cases the mistake in selection is a serious problem asgenerally marriage contract is indissoluble.

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Choosing a Good Wife

The initial attraction of a man to a woman is physical,e.g. someone who is pleasing to his eyes. If the man isgiven favourable opportunity, he would court the woman. Butit is advisable that before a man courts a woman; he shouldhave adequate knowledge on the background of the woman. Itis absolutely dangerous for a man to court a woman he is notvery familiar with. There is a popular saying that “beautyis skin-deep.” 1st Peter 3:3-4 said: Do not be taken up withoutward appearances… There is something more permanent that shines fromwithin a person: a gentle and peaceful disposition. For the purpose ofemphasizing this point; what if the woman you wanted tomarry is a nagger? What if this characteristic was hiddenby her physical beauty? Isn’t it that you made a wrongchoice? Thus, here are some guides in choosing a good wife:

First: Know the morality background of the woman. Thisis difficult because you are trying to determine if what thewoman is doing is right or wrong. Furthermore, there is awide spectrum of what is meant by morality. Thus, the bestway is base your judgement on your own perspective becauseyou are the ones selecting a wife. One way of checking hermorality is to observe her in social gatherings, e.g. theway she dresses, how she moves around, see if she drinksliquor even in public, take note of her words, watch herbehaviours, and so on and so forth. From these observationsyou will be able to decipher if you like her or not as yourwife. These traits are easily seen in social gatherings…Then, in the process of courting the woman, you will observemany things concerning her morality. But according toMiller (2007); the traits of kindness, bravery, honesty,integrity, and fidelity often have moral dimensions. Thus,the man should be extra observant. In my case I was extracareful to avoid a woman who has previous record, especiallyif the record was bad. When I was looking for a wife, Igave importance to a demure, humble, low-profile, and a good

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listener (not argumentative) woman. It took me three yearsto look for that woman before I decided to get married.

But Miller (u.d.) had this to say: A man must marry thewoman he loves. It will not do to look merely for the qualities which make a goodwife, and then, without affection, or any leading of the heart. At the same timethere is room for the exercise of common sense in this as in all other decisions oflife. Too many men make the mistake of following only their heart’s guidance,and learn too late what fools they were. God has given us a mind as well as aheart, and we are responsible for thought as well as for feeling. Without love,marriage is a mockery.

Second: Know the spirituality of the woman. Hargrove(u.d.) said that spirituality is the quality or state ofbeing concerned with religion. The Religion vs.Spirituality (2010) had emphasized that: True spirituality issomething that is found deep within oneself. It is your way of loving, acceptingand relating to the world and people around you. True spirituality is somethingthat is found deep within oneself. It is your way of loving, accepting and relatingto the world and people around you. In my case I like a woman who isnurturing to the children and respectful to the old. When Imet the girl I married, she was a Nursery teacher. She wasa member of religious organizations of “Mother Mary of MountCarmel”, “Catholic Women’s League”, and she is a“Cursillestas”.

According to Galatians 5:22-23: The fruit of the Spirit is charity,joy and peace, patience, understanding of others, kindness and fidelity,gentleness and self-control. The Proverb 31:10-12 said: The woman ofcharacter, where she is to be found? She is more precious than any jewel. Herhusband has complete confidence in her; she will be of great benefit to him. Shebrings him only good and not evil, all the days of her life. Virtually, agood gentleman must pay attention to these readings as theyare full of wisdom. But personally, I believe it is muchbetter if the woman is religious and you have the samereligion… To me it is one’s religion that affects one’sspirituality. For example, if your religion says that pre-marital sex is a sin, then you would remain a virgin untilyou get married.

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Third: Check if there is love in the family of thewoman you are thinking of marrying. You can easily do thisby visiting her at home. Find chances of befriending herfamily to observe their relationships. If you are invitedto a family affair, it’s a good opportunity. You will havean idea by just observing the parents, siblings, and othermembers of the family. Find out if you like them to be yourin-laws. Find out too if you are welcome into the family.It is important that there is love and peace in the family.In fact, if there is love there is peace. According to Rev.Moon (u.d.); The ideal family is the place of the eternal love of parents, theeternal love of husband and wife, and the eternal love of children centering uponGod. A very simple way to detect if there is love in thefamily is in the listening ability among its members whensomeone is talking. Perhaps Corinthians 13:4-7 will helpyou understand if there is love in the family which statesthat: Love is patient, kind, without envy. It is not boastful or arrogant. It is notill-mannered nor does it seek its own interest. Love withstands anger and forgetsoffenses. It does not take delight in wrong, but rejoices with the truth. Loveexcuses everything, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.Remember that love begins a family. The man married thewoman because of love. They raise children because of love.Remove love and there is no family. Therefore, one of thebest criteria in choosing a spouse is the existence of lovein the family of the potential spouse.

Choosing a Good Husband

Selecting a man as husband is somewhat limited to awoman because in some societies it is against normal normsfor a woman to court a man of her choice. All she can do ismake some signs that she likes the man; which can bemisunderstood as flirting. In fact it is worse in somesocieties where arranged marriage is still practiced thatthe woman has no right to choose a man. But notwithstandingthese limitations, it is advisable and even crucial that awoman must properly choose her man. Probably, a woman musthave in mind various characteristics of her suitor(s) asbasis of her decision who to accept. Maybe such

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characteristics as sense of humour, a stable source ofincome, profession, attractive features, or from a prominentfamily are some of them. This is corroborated by the studyof Armstrong and Onu (2013) using 483 female undergraduatesamples; that they found ten top ranking qualities of anideal man as: respectable and God fearing, loving and caring, educated,must be tall, handsome, hardworking, financially comfortable, smart andintelligent, calm and reserve, and must be understanding. In my case mywife said she selected me from among her many suitorsbecause I was polite, looked can be trusted, her ambitionwas to marry and Engineer, and above all her family,friends, and relatives were all in favour of me. She evenkidded that even her dog liked me.

I have a personal but important advice to unmarriedwomen. There are men who would find a way to test the womanhow far she will allow romantic advances. Women should beon the guard on this type of suitors because many men wouldlook down on women who are easy to get.

WHAT IS MARRIAGE

Marriage is defined by the Holy Bible in Genesis 2:24which says that: A man leaves his father and mother and is attached to hiswife, and with her becomes one flesh. According to Ortlund (2014):Marriage is more than human romance, wonderful as that is.  Marriage is thedisplay of Christ and his Bride in love together. And in thePhilippines, there is Republic Act 386 which stipulatesmarriage as not a mere contract but an inviolable social institution. Thus,marriage is unique being a contract, a sacrament and isbounded by a marriage vow.

Marriage is a Contract and a Sacrament

Generally, there are two kinds of marriage, e.g. the“Civil Marriage” and the “Church Marriage.” In thePhilippines, the first kind is officiated by a MunicipalJudge or by a Municipal Mayor, while the second kind is

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officiated by a Priest or by a Minister. Similarly, in manyother countries around the world, most marriage celebrantsare persons who are ordained clergy, while some are legalofficials, usually judges.

In the case of the civil marriage, it is viewed more ofas a legal contract which stipulate lifetime relationshipfor the husband and the wife.  As such, the legalrelationship of spouses as husband and wife are spelled outin special laws existing in places where the spouses reside.The point is; a civil marriage is binding during thelifetime of a person, unless otherwise separated by causeand by law. A person who may have gotten legal separationor annulment of marriage in court may remarry.

In church marriage, it is not only a contract but alsoa holy sacrament; it was elevated by Christ Himself, in Hisparticipation in the wedding at Cana (John 2:1-11).According to Archbishop Sheen (1962); the word sacrament inGreek means mystery. St. Paul to the Ephesians 5:32-33 said:This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church. In anycase, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respecther husband. The 1st Corinthians 7:19-21 said that: I commandmarried couples – not I but the Lord - the wife should not separate from herhusband. If she separates from him, let her not marry again, or let her makepeace with her husband. Similarly the husband should not divorce his wife.Through this holy sacrament, the man and woman become one,for as the Lord Jesus said: For this reason a man shall leave hisfather and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joinedtogether, let not man separate (Matthew 19:5-6). In other words,once you said “I Do” that’s final, no retreat no surrender.Any decision thereafter that is contradictory thereof is atransgression of the Christian teachings. I remember duringmy marriage ceremony I said: I take you for my wife, to have and tohold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, insickness and in health, until death do us part.

The Marriage Vows

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Marriage vows are promises; the man and woman makepledges to do everything in their power to help one anotherachieve the fullest possible loyalty and dedication despiteall obstacles - until death, in the presence of family andfriends and phrased in the form of a sacred vow. Take thisexample: I take you to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this dayforward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, tolove and to cherish, ‘til death do us part: according to God’s holy ordinance, andthereto I pledge you my faith.

Let’s look into other congregations’ marriage vows.According to the Traditional Wedding Vows (u.d.), the Civil Ceremony wedding vow says:Before these witnesses I vow to love you and care for you as long as we bothshall live. I take you, with all your faults and strengths, as I offer myself to youwith all my faults and strengths. I will help you when you need help, and turn toyou when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life.The vow also speaks of as long as we both shall live. Similarly, inRoman Catholic wedding vow it says: I promise to be true to you ingood times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor youall the days of my life. And even in Lutheran vow it says: Ourmiracle lies in the path we have chosen together. I enter into this marriage withyou knowing that the true magic of love is not to avoid changes, but to navigatethem successfully. Let us commit until death parts us. In the Methodistwedding vow it also says: To have and to hold, from this day forward,for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love andto cherish, till death do us part, and thereto I pledge thee my faith. In theBaptist wedding the Pastor will ask the bride and the groom:Will you love her/him, comfort and keep her/him, and forsaking all otherremains true to him/her as long as you both shall live? The spouses willanswer: I will. The wedding vow of the Jehovah’s Witness,Eastern Orthodox style, according the Traditional WeddingVows from Various Religion (u.d.) states that: I take thee to bemy wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better,for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,till death do us part. However, the Traditional Wedding Vows(u.d.) said that in a traditional Jewish ceremony, there isno actual exchange of vows; the covenant is said to beimplicit in the ritual. The marriage vow is customarily

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sealed when the groom places a ring on the bride's fingerand says: Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring according to thelaws of Moses and Israel.

The foregoing marriage vows revealed that marriagecontract is binding while contracting parties are stillalive. It is insoluble, inexplicable, or even mysterious.

But in spite of the insolubility of marriage, there arestill remedies in cases where the spouses can no longer staytogether. In some states divorce is legal, while in othersit is not. Mathew 19:9 said: Whoever divorces his wife, unless it befor infidelity, and marries another, commits adultery. In almost allcountries legal separation and annulment is granted underspecific circumstances as prescribed by law. However, inthe religious countries, divorce is not allowed by law, andremarriage after legal separation and annulment is allowedfor civil marriage but not for church marriage. Therefore,those who have civil marriage can remarry after gettingmarriage annulment only by civil wedding but not in churchwedding.

REASONS FOR GETTING MARRIED

There are several reasons for getting married.However, some of these reasons are “right” while others are“wrong.” If you got the right one, congratulations. But ifyou got the wrong one, well there is no “better luck nexttime.”

Stritof (u.d.), a married expert said that the wrongreasons to get married are: 1) want to be free from parents, 2) to havesex, 3) to ease loneliness, 4) to be happy, 5) to show you are an adult, 6) becauseof a pregnancy, 7) he or she loves you, 8) to save or help someone, 9) becauseyou want a baby, 10) for money, 11) because all your friends are married, 12)you've always wanted a fancy wedding, 13) out of fear that no one else will wantto marry you, 14) you think you are running out of time to get married, 15) forimmigration purposes, 16) you are tired of being single, and 17) you don't wantpeople gossiping about the two of you living together.

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The implications of these wrong reasons are obvious.For example, take the first reason of want to be free fromparents. What if after marrying you will miss your parentsterribly? Then you will demand from your spouse to stay nearyour parents’ place, which might meet opposition. This willmake you unhappy and may even stain the relationship. Ortake the second reason of to have sex. Then, if your spousehave reached menopausal period, you would certainly be farfrom being satisfied with your marriage. Now, take theseventh reason: he or she loves you. What about if you don’tlove him/her anymore with the passing of time, aren’t youheading for trouble?

On the other hand, Stritof also said that the rightreasons for getting married include the following: 1) you arein love with one another, 2) a desire to share your life with another, 3) to have alifetime companion, 4) realistic expectations, and 5) willingness to help oneanother fulfill their own needs and dreams.

The first right reason listed above is by far the bestto me. I married my wife because I love her and she said Ido. In the beginning we didn’t talk about marriage. We havegiven enough time of going together before we agreed tomarry. We have proven before we decided to get married thatwe were happy if together and we missed one another if oneis away. We disagreed/quarreled on many things only to findagreeing to stick together. It took us three years to knowour love was strong enough to journey as husband and wife.

Marriages with Wrong Reasons

I have interviewed couples to gather first hand informationon how and why they got married; and identified this groupas marriages with wrong reasons. First is the story ofNestor and Elsa. (I know Elsa being a very close friend ofmy wife.) According to Nestor he married Elsa because shewas the most beautiful woman in the village. They were bothgovernment employees. In the early days of their marriedlife, they were always seen together; attending mass inchurch, attending social gatherings, having leisure in the

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beach or doing the marketing on week-ends. It is as ifNestor is proud to be seen with his wife. But eight yearslater Elsa was no longer beautiful to Nestor after gainingextra weights with bulging hips and protruding stomach.Nestor advised his wife to go into gymnastics or any slimmerprogram but she didn’t heed to the suggestion. SoonerNestor became less seen together with his wife in public.Then I learned that the couple is always quarrelling afterNestor brought home a child from his other beautiful andyounger woman. And on the following year Elsa filed apetition in court asking for legal separation under Article55 of the Family Code of the Philippines. The case is stillpending in court but meanwhile the spouses are no longerstaying as husband and wife. Nestor made a mistake in hisreason to marry Elsa based on physical attraction whichnormally deteriorates as a person grows older. In fact theBook of Proverbs 31:30 said: Charm is deceptive and beauty useless;the woman who is wise is the one to praise. That is so because it hasbeen said that beauty is but skin deep. There are peoplewho are physically beautiful to look at but insidehimself/herself might be far from beautiful. The mostbeautiful person could be judged by his/her heart. So, itis worrisome to decide marrying someone by the way a personphysically looks.

This is also about Peter, my former officemate. Ilearned that his marriage was in a very hasty and nasty waybecause his bride was already three months on the familyway. He was forced to marry the lady in exchange for a suitfor abducting a minor. Two months after the solemnizationof the wedding Peter disappeared in their place. I did nothave a chance to meet either of the couple since the womanwent to Singapore as a Caregiver after her husband wasnowhere to be found. But the woman gave birth to a baby boywho was left to the care of his grandparents. The boy doesnot even know who his father is.

I have another officemate, Daniel who had a neighborLinda. Daniel said his problem is that Linda is showing so

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much interest in him but he has already a sweetheart. ButLinda had a brother-in-law who is a Lawyer. In one fiestacelebration Daniel had a drinking spray with Linda’sbrother-in-law, Artemio. In the middle of the night whenDaniel was already drunk he was made to sign a piece ofpaper by Artemio. The following morning Daniel only learnedthat it was a Marriage Contract between him and Linda thathe had signed. Daniel did not follow this writer’s adviceto void the contract in court being intimidated by Linda’sfamily... Then this writer became the god-father of thecouple’s first child. I became close to the family. On thefirst birthday party of my god-child, Linda confided to methat her being a wife is like a Calvary; her husband is verystrict and does not have any respect to her. He wouldshout at her without any provocation. But she said further:I have to stay foot for the benefit of my child. But then I have to tell you that it isextremely difficult to stay with a husband who you think don’t love you at all.So the family is intact but the bad effect of that turbulentmarriage to the children is too much. The eldest and onlydaughter became a common-law-wife to a married man. The twosons did not finish college and got married early and aredependent on their parents. Worse is that their youngestson is known to be a drug addict.

Cesar, another officemate has a funny but frettingstory. Every time he would go to the house of Lita hisintention was to court the younger sister. But it would beLita who will entertain him, she being his officemate too.Cesar did not know that Lita was interested in him. ButLita was very aggressive. Thus, their marriage hadsurprised Cesar’s friends who know the true story. In thebeginning the couple’s relation was normal. But later Cesarstarted backbiting his wife for being very jealous-type,domineering, hard-to-deal, and a spend-thrift. But it wasthe domineering attitude of Lita that destroyed theirmarriage. When I asked Cesar how come he married Lita whenthe truth was he likes the younger sister who is much betterattitudinally and educationally, his answer was: I thought it

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was good enough she loves me even if I don’t. That way she will take care of me.But the reverse happened.

Cesar and Lita’s marriage was a failure; they separatedbut not legally in court. They amicably agreed to sell theirconjugal house and other assets, and divided the proceedsequally. Fortunately, they have two sons and two daughterswho also agreed to be divided equally. Cesar and Lita’smarriage failed because in the beginning they were notrealistic in dealing with their love affair. Cesar didn’tlove Lita. He could have been more understanding and may bemore pliant had there been love in his heart for Lita.

I also know Dionesio, a high ranking governmentemployee. His wife Aurora is a plain house-wife that did notfinish college. The wife most often than not stays at homewhile the husband is out working. But they appear veryloving if seen together. A close relative of the couple toldthis writer that it was the parents of Aurora who forced herto accept Dionesio’s amorous advances because the man hadconvinced them of his genuine intention coupled with hisgood family background. For so many years after they hadexchanged ‘I Dos’, it seems Dionesio had proven that hisparents-in-law were correct. They had eight children whichare all professionals. The couple had very excellent recordand even regarded as a model in the community. This writerbefriended Dionesio to learn his success stories as a familyman. To my surprise however, Dionesio had several unsolvedcomplaints about his wife. Foremost of these complaintswere; Aurora does not know to entertain his visitors athome, and Aurora does not stay with him in the City where heis working but loves to stay behind in the province… Thenten years after my interview with Dionesio, I learned thathe was already staying with his second family of fourchildren. The saddest part of Dionesio’s story is that hisfavorite daughter of the first family became a common-law-wife of a married man. His look-alike son met a vehicularaccident and died. Four of his granddaughters became singlemothers, and five grand children have live-ins who are not

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legally married. The family is blaming these misfortunes ofthe bloodline to Dionesio as his carma. One of Aurora’sdaughters told this writer that the descendants of Dionesioup to the 7th generation will be paying their father’s sin.

Then the story of Alexander is very heart-breaking. (Imet him through my wife who one time conducted a medicalmission in Alexander’s place). He had a common-law-wife for15 years and had three children. He took Nida as his wifebecause of her strong sex appeal even if she was only ahouse maid while he was a salaried man. However, because ofthe nature of Alexander’s work as he would be most oftenthan not on travel, he had to trust on Nida’s fidelity. But,as the years passed by, Alexander would hear gossips thathis wife is playing fire with a Lesbian when he is out. Thenlater on his wife was linked with their houseboy. To makethe long story short, Nida eloped with another man afterAlexander lost his job and became jobless. Alexanderconfided to this writer that his former wife was both anexhibitionist and materialistic which he could not providesatisfactorily. When I met Nida, she told me that Alexanderis an alcoholic and irresponsible husband. Both of them hadcompletely lost trust and confidence with each other thatended their marriage.

Finally, here is the story of Ben, Rochel and Ana… Benand Rochel were about to be married. They had their weddinginvitations, wedding gowns and apparels, and everything wasready. But a week before their wedding, Ben realized hedislikes marrying Rochel because she is still tied up tomany financial responsibilities, e.g. supporting her twosisters studying in college. So, Ben decided to marry Anainstead. Naturally, the incident was terribly shocking toRochel who almost lost her head. Rubbing salt to Rochel’swounded heart; it was Ana who wore the wedding gown intendedfor her. Worst was that Ana is Rochel’s best friend… Butpeople had condemned Ben including his father who said theincident was very unchristian. The elder man didn’t givehis blessings for the wedding of Ben and Ana.

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Ben’s father who is a friend of my wife told us that hehad driven out Ben and Ana from his home for what they haddone. But after a year, Ben and Ana had separated. Thenbecause of his fatherly love, he had welcomed back his sonhaving considered the human frailty of his son after Bentold his father he has no love for Ana – that he made amistake in marrying Ana to run away from Rochel’s financialobligations towards her siblings. Thus, the father and songot a legal separation to dissolve the marriage contract.But the problem was Ben could not remarry under Philippinejurisprudence, if ever he would like to… Meanwhile, Rochelremained single and successful in her career, while Ben wentabroad and is unheard of up to this writing.

Marriages with Good Reasons

Another group of couples I interviewed were those withmarriages with good reasons. First is the story of Eugenioand Carmila… Eugenio was attracted to Carmila not on herphysical beauty but on the way she carried herself inpublic. She was very polite, reserve, and modest. Thatattraction leads him to discover who Carmila is, her family,relatives, friends, likes and dislikes. They discovered theyhave many imperfections and learned to accept them as humanlimitations. Very soon they became good friends and theyrealized they love one another. They got married with fourchildren; all had completed post graduate studies and aregainly employed. When I asked the couple any proof how theylove one another, Carmila said: I resigned from teaching to join withhim in the City. Then Eugenio added: I could have abandoned my beingan Engineer had Carmila did not give way. When this writer asked themif they have any secret to share why they look happilymarried for the last 35 years; Eugenio said: Whenever she isangry, I would whisper to her “I love you”. Whenever it’s my turn to be angry(which is often because of my diabetes), she would ask me, “Do you like coffee?”Or sometimes, she would just kiss me on the check. To this couple,marriage is loving one another under any circumstances atall times. To them “love is a very good reason to getmarried”.

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Ben and Lenie have another story to tell. Lenie is ourneighbor in our subdivision. Ben is from a nearby town.But they work in one government hospital. Ben is aNutritionist and Lenie is a Nurse. They got married. I andmy wife were the only principal sponsors when they had theirmatrimonial ceremony in a church. As such, it was myresponsibility to remind them of the meaning of what theywere doing. I asked them during the reception of what theyunderstand about love, marriage, family life, and upbringing of children. Iwas surprised of their response when they said: We will improveour economic status before we raise children. We are leaving for Saudi Arabianext month to earn dollars. We will renovate this small house and buy a new carand send our children to an international school. We don’t like our children to bepoor like us… True to what the couple said, they went abroad,sending us messages from time to time. They have a son and adaughter; the former became a Therapist and the latterbecame a Physician. We learned that they are now establishedin Washington D. C. and are now green card holders. Theyhave a house of their own and own their individual cars.Ben and Lenie succeeded in reaching their family goals. Itis so because they had a very “realistic expectations andthe willingness to sacrifice for the sake of their children.It’s love actually in action. Our Parish Priest once said:The product of love is service.

Elias is my officemate and best friend. He was more thana blood brother. He married Margarita who was a novice onprobation. His reason for marrying Margarita was he couldnot be wrong in believing that the woman would be a goodwife because of her religious background. I have askedMargie why she married instead of becoming a Nun. Heranswer was: I always forget my intended vocation every time I saw Elly. I feelvery safe with him. The marriage of this couple was really notcaused by physical attraction although both of them havepleasing appearances. The union was built on a strongerfoundation of mutual trust and confidence. This writer is awitness that Elias is the best model of a good family leaderand Margarita the best partner. Every time we have drinkingsession Elias’ favorite topic is his wife. He would beam

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with a smile but not bragging that for the last 25 years heand Margie had never quarreled. When I asked him how thatcould be possible, his response was: We respect one another andwe understand that both of us have weaknesses. When I am mad, which is veryseldom, I would only hug her and whisper “let’s go out for a date.” Elias andMargarita became a model of a successful family. They havefive children who are degree holders.

I learned the love story of Dennis and Delia from myson. Dennis and Delia’s love-story is like in the movies. Iknow Dennis because he is a classmate of my son. Delia isalso their classmate who is the best of the best friend ofDennis. They behave like blood brother and sister. So whenDennis courted Susan who is their schoolmate, Delia becamethe “go-between.” With the go-between’s help, Dennis andSusan became steady. After graduating college Dennisproposed marriage to Susan. The wedding preparation was madeand Delia was selected as the bride’s maid. This writer wasselected as one of the main sponsors. The weddingpreparation was quite elaborate, the bride-to-be being theonly daughter of a prominent Lawyer and the groom-to-be ason of an Engineer and an established Contractor. But onthe wedding date a shocking event happened. Dennis wasnowhere to be found. He had eloped with his best friend…Eighteen months later I decided to bring out the topic withDennis and Delia during the baptism of their twins, theirfirst born. I talked with the couple one after the otherdiscreetly. I learned that the night before Dennis’scheduled wedding day, he asked Delia when and who among hersuitors will she decide to tie the knot. But Delia shoutedback and cried hard saying: No, I won’t marry unless I will meetsomeone like you! To make the story short, Dennis and Deliawere married and had three boys as their siblings. Dennisand Delia’s marriage was never plan. But nevertheless, thecouple is very happy in their married life. I think it islove that made it so. This shows that love is an importantingredient to make a happy and successful union… When Iattended the blessing of their new house, I teased Dennisabout his bulging belly. His reply was: Blame it to Delia, she

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cooks my favorites. But Delia butt in and said laughing: Well,my mother said the easiest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

The story of my best friend, Cipriano is unusual. Hestarted marriage with a wrong reason but ended happily witha compromise. (So, I classified his case on marriages withgood reason. Anyway, having a beautiful wife is not reallybad.) His idea was he must marry a beautiful woman even ifthat woman had bad manners. His argument was if his wife isbeautiful his children would be good-looking. As to the badmanners, he can discipline his wife to change them, while hecannot afford to change the face of a woman to lookbeautiful. But Cipriano failed to change the manners of hiswife and she became less beautiful after giving fourchildren. When I asked Cipriano how is his wife 10 yearsafter his marriage, his answer was intriguing. He said: Ifyou can’t get what you like, you have to like what you get. In the exchangeof ideas that followed, I discovered that my best friend hadto make compromises to make his marriage work. He did it byfocusing on the brighter side of his wife and did not payattention to her bad manners. He was successful, and theylive happily ever after.

When I attended a training in Tokyo, Japan which wasparticipated in by 16 representatives from 16 Asiancountries, our facilitator we called him “Sato” cracked in ajoke during our snack time. He said: Actually we vary in ourtradition especially on marriage. Let me ask you, why did you marry your wife?He pointed his finger to our Thai classmate and said: You!The Thai said reluctantly: Oh, ah, she is my classmate. Satocommented that it’s very common. Then he tap the shoulder ofthe Iranian. The guy reacted: Me, she is my childhood friend. Welearned to like each other. Sato said: Very common too. Then heasked our classmate from Sierra Leone the same question. Theguy said: Our marriage was arranged by our parents. Then Satolaughed aloud and said: Me? It was an accident. Many of myclassmates could not understand what Sato meant, but we alllaughed and the monotony had been broken.

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Actually, Sato’s joke made sense. There are lots ofmarriages that happened because of accident while otherswere accidental. Consider these: If you marry a girl who isconceiving out of wedlock even if you’re sure the fetus isyours it is an accident or accidental being not planned. Ifyour marriage is what is called “shotgun wedding”, the moreit is an accident. If you have been deceived by your princecharming that you brought to the matrimonial ceremony by nottelling you he/she had an existing marriage to anotherman/woman that is certainly an accident. And I think whatSato meant was he wasn’t really planning to marry yet but heaccidentally made advances to a woman that he feltresponsible of its outcome as a gentleman.

I think I have shown that love should be the bestreason for getting married. I have read from a leaflet whichsaid that love is the corner stone of marriage. That isright because if you remove love in marriage, it willstumble or crumble easily because disrespect, cheating andinfidelity will easily creep in.

However, choosing a good spouse, understanding whatmarriage is, and knowing the reasons for getting married arejust but like good vehicles for a long journey. Any goodvehicle needs proper operation, maintenance, and minorrepair to travel safely, sometimes on a rough roads andturbulent waters over a long distance. A good ride is onethat is enjoyable and you reach your destination. Asmarriage is like a journey, it is the task of the husbandand wife to make it happy and everlasting until the end oftime.

MAKING MARRIAGE HAPPY AND EVERLASTING

Every couple wants to be happy in marriage; and ifpossible to make their marriage tie last for their lifetime. However, despite that marriage is designed to lastuntil the death of one party; there are many that do notsurvive. There are those that ended divorced, legalseparated, or annulled. (Not counting those that simply go

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on separate ways.) For example, in Canada and Wales,according to the Office for National Statistics (2013);their 2011 data showed that the percentage of marriagesending in divorce increases more rapidly in the first 10years of marriage. In America, according to the U.S.Divorce Rates and Statistics (u.d.); the overall divorcerate peaked at 22.6 divorces per 1,000 marriages in 1980,20.9 in 1990, and 18.8 in 2000. In the Philippines,Sabangan (2008) said that in 2007, there were 7,753 casesof annulment and legal separation filed at the Office of theSolicitor General, a 71.5 percent jump from the 4,520 casesfiled in 2001. From 2001 to 2007, the OSG received 43,617cases of annulment and separation. The figure could havebeen higher if more married people have the means to breaktheir ties legally.

Marriage is like a journey, an odyssey that presentsmany surprises - some  exquisite, others painful. Unforeseen “terrain” can present unexpected obstacles, someof which may seem insurmountable. Nevertheless, many peoplemake this journey successfully and happily, with only minormishaps.  Indeed, success in marriage is not measured somuch by the highs and lows of the journey as it is by howcouples deal with those ups and downs (Watchtower OnlineLibrary, 2008). As such making your marriage happy andeverlasting is a business couples should never take forgranted.

As I write this, my family have just celebrated our44th wedding anniversary. I am married to a veryindustrious, understanding, and loving woman. We do manythings together from housekeeping, doing the laundry,cooking, gardening, and almost everything; name it. We alsoshared everything from the physical, financial, andemotional problems; there were lots of them. There were lotsof stressful moments that we quarrelled, argued, and thoughtof separating but our love and sense of responsibilitytowards each other were very strong. I am now 74 and mywife 70 years old with four children, four grandchildren,

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and have the luxury of time together being governmentretirees. Many times during the day we still whisper “I loveyou.” Our marriage is about humility, honesty, decency, andhard work; living well, and loving with all our hearts, nomatter what the price, and never been afraid of the ups anddowns. To us this is what our marital journey is all about.It is a hard work because marriage is not an easy journey,sometimes the water is calm and at other times it is wavy.

Reuben (1973) said: Marriage is like a long trip in a tiny rowboat:if one passenger starts to rock the boat, the other has to steady it; otherwisethey’ll go to the bottom together. That is why it is said thatmarriage is not always easy and simple, and there is neverany assurance that couples will last the journey and upholdtheir marriage vows of “till death do us part”. But if afamily helps together and one another to cultivate love –strong enough to fight against all odds; such marriage willhave an endless way to go.

According to Huervana (u.d.); married life always begins in thewarm glow of love or in heat of passion with a great expectation of a happy andprosperous family life in the near future. However, as the marriage grows bymonths, then by years, expectations seem to be blurry. When this happensthe matrimony becomes a rough sailing. This is natural inmarried life. Should this happens; do something positive tostrengthen the relationship to prevent the collapsed of yourmarriage. Swallow your pride, if it is necessary for thegood of your family.

To Christians the best reference of how to makemarriage happy and everlasting is the Holy Bible. Some ofthe Biblical verses are shown and reflected herein. If youbelieve in the Words of God found in the Holy Bible you mayproceed reading this paper. Even if you are not a believer,there is no harm reading it to learn.

First: Treat marriage as sacred. Mathew 19:6 said: Sothey are no longer two but one body; let no one separate what God has joined.Sense God Himself said these words through His ApostleMatthew; it means that marriage is sacred. If husband and

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wife believe in the Holy Bible, then it is easy for them totreat marriage as sacred and that they will protect itssanctity. Archbishop Brunett (u.d.) said: For Catholics in theSacrament of Matrimony, the spouses become an integral part of God's plan forcreation when they give themselves freely and fully to each other in a lifelongand life-giving relationship of mutual love and support. This love between a manand a woman, in a permanent and exclusive relationship, is also a sign ofChrist's sacrificial love for the Church, a life-giving love poured out for us. Inother words, marriage is not only a covenant between a manand a woman but also with God making it sacred. Marriage isa triangle to stand securely at all sides; the three sidesrepresent you, your spouse, and your God. Therefore, withthe involvement of God, it is sacrilegious to tamper theintent and purpose of marriage.

Second: Speak with respect, softly and politely toyour spouse. Proverbs 12:18 said: He who speaks thoughtlesslypierces like a sword; but the words of the wise bring healing. So, ifhusband and wife or family members speak with respect,softly and politely even if you are angry no one will behurt. People with wisdom said: Count ten before you start talkingwhen angry. Show your utmost respect to your spouse andhe/she will respect you in return. This respect will bringyou harmony in the family and result to a peacefulrelationship. But start talking harshly and you might expecta shouting response. Warren (2014) said that when you’reangry, don’t respond impulsively. Ephesians 4:26 said thatwhen you are angry you do not have to let anger last untilthe end of the day.

Third: Cultivate kindness and compassion. Ephesians4:32 said: Be good and understanding, mutually forgiving one another asGod forgave you in Christ. Huervana also said: During arguments,couples tend to lose themselves and forget about the love, compassion andkindness that they've been giving their partner. Nevertheless, this is the time thatyou must show these things. In time of arguments, when you feel so angry…donot blind yourself with anger. Show kindness and compassion to your partner atall time. Hence, to protect your marriage you have tocultivate kindness and compassion. By showing kindness and

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compassion there will be no quarrelling, no insults, and noanger. There will be peace in the family.

Fourth: Show humility to your spouse. Matthew 23:12said: For whoever makes himself great shall be humbled, and whoeverhumbles himself shall be made great. Philippians 2:3-4 also said: Donothing through rivalry or vain conceit. On the contrary let each of you gentlyconsider the others as more important than yourselves. Do not seek your owninterest, but rather that of others. Colossians 3:12 said that sinceyou are holy and beloved of God, put on humility… But be careful andhonest to yourself because one may put on an outward show ofhumility but still have a heart full of pride and arrogancein his/her heart. In other words, spouses must develophumility as their virtue so that they can tackle theirmarriage problems even if they would seem insurmountable.Instead of conflicting situation, find a way to make thingsbetter for one another. Show humility to your spouse. Itis without humility that a person becomes arrogant orboastful and would criticize someone unnecessarily as ifhe/she is better than anyone.

Fifth: Have a forgiving heart. Ephesians 4:26 said:Be angry but do not sin: do not let your anger last until the end of day, least yougive the devil a foothold. In married life, everyone commitsmistakes – both spouses do. In fact in all walks of lifehumans commit mistake. So forgiveness is a must. Proverbs19:11 said: A clever man is slow to anger; his glory lies in forgettingoffenses. The popular poetry saying of Alexander Pope: To err ishuman; to forgive is divine is very applicable to marriagerelationship. It means that making mistakes is a humannature but forgiving doesn't come naturally, e.g. it isreally hard to forgive and forget. But Colossians 3:13 alsosaid: Bear with one another and forgive whenever there is any occasion to doso. As the Lord has forgiven you, forgive one another. Let all these be done withlove; through it everything is united and made perfect. This is it; if youforgive others, why can’t you include your spouse?

Sixth: Listen when you must. James 1:19 said: My dearbrothers, be quick to hear but slow to speak and slow to anger. And theProverbs (18:13) said: To argue before listening to the fact shows up

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stupidity which leads to disgrace. If you will not listen you willnot ever understand what your spouse is talking. But listennot only with your ears but also with your heart. Try tofeel how your partner is feeling while he/she is talking toyou. By doing this, your partner will surely think thatyou're giving him/her the importance he/she deserves. Alwaystreat your partner's opinions and feeling with deep respectand dignity. There is a time for everything, a time to talkand a time to listen or to keep quiet. The lack of listeningresults to misunderstanding. The problem with many spousesis that they talk at the same time resulting to nothing butmore problems.

Seventh: Finally, remain faithful to one another.Hebrews 13:4 said: Marriage must be respected by all and husband andwife faithful to each other. Let marriage be held in honor among all, and letthe marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral andadulterous. 1st Corinthians 6:18 also said: Avoid unlawful sexentirely. Any other sin a man commits does not affect his body but he whocommits sexual immorality sins against his body. Wright (1994), senioreditor at New Republic in his book said: The good news is thathuman beings are designed to fall in love. The bad news is that they aren’tdesigned to stay there. According to evolutionary psychology, it is natural forboth men and women – some times, under some circumstances – to commitadultery or to sour a mate, to suddenly find a spouse unattractive, irritating, andwholly unreasonable. Now, since committing sexual infidelity inmarriage is a sin, and since the commission of the sin is ahuman phenomenon, to protect the marriage fromdisintegration, the couples must remain faithful to oneanother. Thus, 1st Corinthians 7:10-11 said: I commandmarried couples - not I but the Lord - that the wife should not separate from herhusband. If she separates from him, let her not marry again, or let her makepeace with her husband. Similarly the husband should not divorce his wife.However, Matthew 19:9 said: Therefore I say to you: whoever divorceshis wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.It is therefore very clear that God’s command is for spousesto remain faithful to one another. Unfaithfulness whichmeans committing adultery or having sexual relation withsomeone other than your legal spouse; as meant in this

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context, must never be done to protect one’s marriage. Thisis the ultimate requirement in making marriage happy andeverlasting●

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Brunett, A.J. (u.d.). The Gift of Marriage: A Union MostSacred. Retrieved January 4, 2015 fromwww.catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=7133.

Christian Community Bible. (1988). Philippines: Saint PaulPublications.

Hargrove, N. (u.d.). What is spirituality? Retrieved January2, 2015 from

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Miller J. R. Choosing a Wife. Retrieved Oct. 26, 2010 fromhttp://pamphlets.jr-miller.com/marriage-altar/1-choosing-a-wife.html.

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