party down spec script

INT. FUNERAL HOME KITCHEN PREP AREA - DAY

Henry is unpacking bottles. Roman and Bobbi are prepping trays with hors d’oeuvres. There are a pile of head shots on the table, and as they work they place one at the center of each tray. Roman picks one up and studies it. It shows an attractive woman in her late 20s, with bold lettering saying “CHLOE ZIMMERMAN : Baby Tiffany from the hit show From Here To Maternity”.

BOBBI(looking at a head shot)

Pretty girl.

ROMANI guess. If your tastes run to the human train wreck variety.

BOBBIIt’s not nice to speak ill of the dead. They can hear, you know.

ROMANNo, they can’t. They’re dead.

BOBBISo? That doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings.

ROMANYes, it does. Do you even listen to yourself when you speak?

BOBBINot if I can help it. Hey, I have an idea. How about a game of “I Never”? You know, as a way to get to know each other?

HENRYIsn’t that a drinking game?

BOBBIYeah. What you do is you say something that you’ve honestly never done, and anybody in the room who has done that thing has to drink.

HENRYBobbi, I don’t know if this is really the time or place to be playing a drinking game.

Kyle enters, snatches something off a tray, pops it in his mouth.

KYLEDrinking game? Awesome. I’m in.

He suddenly spots the head shots.

KYLE (CONT’D)Holy shit, is that who I think it is?

ROMANChloe Zimmerman. The dearly departed.

KYLEDude, are you shitting me? I knewher. We hooked up once at a party. She was a total freak. She’s dead?

ROMANUh, yeah, Einstein. People having funerals usually are.

KYLEShit. People my age are not supposed to be dead. Cause if it can happen to them, then it might happen to me too some day, you know?

Kyle scuttles out in a panic. Casey hurriedly enters, dressed in street clothes, looking like something a cat coughed up.

CASEYSorry I’m late. How pissed is Ron?

HENRYI don’t think he’s even noticed. Hey, are you okay?

CASEYYeah. No. Not feeling well.

HENRYWhy didn’t you stay home?

2.

CASEYI need the money. It’ll be okay.I’m just having PMS from hell. I’m like three weeks late, I feel like one big hormone, and I must’vegotten food poisoning somewhere cause I can’t stop throwing up.

Casey exits to change. Henry goes back to his task for a moment, then suddenly straightens up and looks off after Casey, stunned. He starts to go after her, but is stopped by Ron entering.

HENRYRon, I’ve really got to talk to Casey about something.

RONIt’ll have to wait. The guests will be arriving any minute. Bobbi, be careful not to get any food on the photos. Chloe’s mother wants the guests to take them home as souvenirs. For a small fee.

ROMANShe’s still trying to make a buck off her kid even after she’s dead? That is seriously messed up.

RONProfessionalism, Roman. It is not our place to judge. Everyone grieves in their own special way.

ROMANAnd stage mothers from hell grieve the loss of their meal tickets in the most disgusting way possible.

RONWhat did I just say?

ROMANNo idea. I wasn’t listening.

RONGod, it’s just so... sad. She was so adorable on that show. I can still hear her saying “Don’t look at me! The dog must’ve done it.” So sad.

Ron exits, shaking his head.

3.

BOBBIOh! I’ve got one. I’ve never been famous for a stupid catch phrase.

She smirks expectantly at Henry. After a beat he reluctantly pours himself a shot and downs it.

BOBBI (CONT’D)See? Isn’t this fun?

Bobbi exits. Roman watches her go. After a beat -

ROMANI miss Constance.

HENRYMe too.

TITLES: Chloe Zimmerman Life Celebration, Hollywood.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM - DAY

Ron and Chloe’s mother JOYCE are going over instructions for the event. The walls are covered with photos and memorabilia, and Joyce is disturbingly dressed as a little girl. We can see from the photos on the wall that this was the typical costume for Chloe’s childhood character. Joyce is clutching a large doll dressed exactly the same way.

JOYCESo when the buffet opens, I want this to be the centerpiece. Afterwards I want it placed next to the guest book, so the guests can sign it on their way out. Did you get the special pens I asked for?

Ron pulls a handful of Sharpies out of his pocket.

RONYes ma’am. Every color of the rainbow.

JOYCEAnd those are included in your fee, right? I don’t want to be charged extra.

RONNo, ma’am. Consider it our gift to you in your time of need.

4.

JOYCEGood. Now, I want somebody stationed next to the doll at all times. This is a one of a kind collector’s item, and once her co-stars sign it it’ll be worth a fortune.

RONShe’s lovely. So life-like.

JOYCEYou’re damn right she is. Feel that hair.

Ron looks like he’d rather pet a scorpion, but does as he is told.

RONWow. Soft.

JOYCEThat is real human hair. Came right off the heads of street urchins in India.

RONReally? That’s...um...really?

JOYCERelax. They wash it first. And this?

Joyce indicates a pull string on the back of the doll.

JOYCE (CONT’D)Go ahead. Pull it.

Ron pulls the string, and a tinny voice squeaks out of the doll. Joyce speaks along with it.

JOYCE (CONT’D)“Don’t look at me! The dog must’vedone it.”

RONAh. That’s cute. I’m sure it will make a wonderful keepsake for you.

JOYCEKeepsake? Hell no. It’s going on eBay first thing tomorrow.

5.


Casey and Roman stand against the back wall, watching the guests mill about.

CASEYHow’d she die, anyway?

ROMANShe got electrocuted on the operating table during a boob job. Her tits were just seared right off.

CASEYSeriously?

ROMANYeah. Barbecued Baby Tiffany. They say you could smell it all over the hospital. Patients thought they were having a fish fry in the cafeteria.

Casey starts turning green.

CASEYOh God.

ROMANApparently it took three fire extinguishers to put out the flames. It was like woosh, and then before you knew it, there were just these oozing black holes where her jugs used to be. All smoking, and crispy...

CASEYJesus!

Casey runs off, about to be sick. Roman looks after her.

ROMAN(to himself)

I am so using that in a script someday.

(to a guest)Blackened tuna?

6.


Henry is nervously tending bar, trying unsuccessfully to catch Casey’s eye as she moves among the guests. Bobbiapproaches him with an empty tray.

BOBBIGin and tonic.

Henry starts making her drink.

BOBBI (CONT’D)So. Are we having fun yet?

Henry gives her a strained smile.

HENRYYeah. That just keeps getting funnier, doesn’t it?

BOBBII know. Christ, have you ever seen a bigger bunch of losers in one place? All these has-beens who were famous for what, like five minutes, thirty years ago?

HENRYWell, that’s the nature of the business, I guess. No guarantees.

Henry hands Bobbi her drink order. She takes a big swig.

BOBBIOh. Right. Forgot who I was talking to. Preaching to the choir, huh?

Henry glares at her, but manages to keep smiling.

BOBBI (CONT’D)Hey, let’s do another “I Never” question, okay? Let’s see... I’ve never done a guy in the bathroom at a funeral.

Henry just stares blankly at her and shrugs: neither has he. After a moment she giggles and takes another swig off her drink.

BOBBI (CONT’D)OK. I lied. I just did that.

Kyle approaches the bar. He is clearly stressed.

7.

KYLEMan, can you believe all this?

HENRYYeah, it’s a bit much.

KYLEI mean, God. It’s like she’s everywhere. Watching us.

BOBBIOf course she is.

KYLEWhat?

BOBBISure. The dead are always hanging around the living. They’re everywhere, watching everything we do. And if you do something that pisses them off, they’ll get you for it, believe me.

Bobbi moves off through the crowd. Kyle shoots Henry a panicked look.

INT. KITCHEN PREP AREA - DAY

Ron and Roman are setting up the chafing dishes. Ron is flustered. The Baby Tiffany doll is propped up on the table they’re working on.

RONIf she’s that sick, she should’ve just stayed home.

ROMANSure. And paid her rent next month with the sick pay she’d get. Oh. Wait...

RONSpending the entire afternoon in the bathroom isn’t exactly earning her pay either.

Ron steps back to survey the dishes.

RON (CONT’D)Okay. That looks good. Let’s get them warming.

Ron lights two sterno cans, then turns his back for a moment.

8.

RON (CONT’D)Wait. Where did I put the...

Ron turns back and accidentally bumps the table, causing the doll to fall forward onto the sterno cans.

ROMANDude!

RONShit!

Ron grabs the doll, its chest in flames, and blows furiously on it until it goes out.

ROMANWhoa. Now she really looks like Chloe. Way to go, man.

Kyle enters the kitchen. He sees the doll, screams and scurries back out the way he came. Roman notices this and smirks.

RONDamn it! I can’t put this out there now! What am I gonna do?

ROMANDon’t worry about it. I’ve got it covered. You just go out there and finish setting up the buffet. Keep the mom distracted.

RONYou’re sure?

ROMANPositive.

RONThanks, Roman. I owe you one.

Ron exits. Roman’s grin grows wider.

ROMANAny time, bro.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM - HENRY’S BAR

Kyle stands at the bar with Henry.

9.

KYLEDo you think it’s true? You think there are really dead people all around us?

HENRYNo, Kyle, I don’t. I think Bobbi’sjust yanking your chain.

KYLEYou sure?

HENRYActually, no. When it comes to Bobbi I’m not really sure of anything.

KYLEYeah. You’re right. I shouldn’t listen to her.

HENRYGod knows I try not to.

KYLEThanks, man. I guess I was just getting all worked up over nothing. I mean, ghosts? No such thing, right?

HENRYRight.

Kyle visibly relaxes. Suddenly there’s a commotion at the door. A group of people have gathered there, and when they part, we see CHLOE ZIMMERMAN standing amongst them, alive and well. Kyle blanches.


Henry is tending bar. Casey comes up, wiping her mouth. Henry hands her a shot, which she downs without even looking at it. As she swallows, she makes a face.

CASEYJesus! What was that?

HENRYBitters. Old bartender’s trick. Helps with the nausea.

CASEYHow? By dissolving your digestive tract?

10.

HENRYTrust me on this. So... this being late, throwing up thing. Does it happen often?

CASEYNever. It’s weird.

HENRYAnd you’re sure it might not be something else? Something a little more serious?

CASEYWhat, like swine flu?

HENRYNot exactly, but...

Roman interrupts them.

ROMANHey guys. Come back to the kitchen for a second. You’re gonna wanna see this.

Casey and Henry follow him off.

INT. KITCHEN PREP AREA - CONTINUOUS

The buffet dishes are lined up on the table. Roman, Henry and Casey enter.

ROMANOkay, stand back and bask in the awesome.

Kyle enters, wearing oven mitts, as Roman pretends to be busy with prep work.

KYLEThese ready to go?

ROMANYeah, all set. But they have to be set out in a certain order. Pilaf first, then the sliders, not the other way around. Just make sure you get the right dish.

Kyle lifts the lid off of one dish: sliders. He lifts the lid off the second dish and sees the charred Baby Tiffany doll grinning up at him.

11.

He drops the lid and screams, scrambling away from the table. Roman, Casey and Henry erupt with laughter.

KYLE(furious)

Holy shit! Not cool, you guys!

CASEYWhat makes you think we did it? Maybe Chloe's trying to tell you something.

KYLEYeah? Well, what if Bobbi’s right? What if you’re dissin’ the dead girl, and she gets pissed? Did you ever think about that?

ROMANNo. Because that would be retarded.

KYLESuit yourselves. Don’t come crying to me when she starts hauntin’ the fuck outta you guys.

Kyle stomps out of the kitchen. Casey, Henry and Roman are still laughing.

CASEY(to Roman)

Okay, my turn next.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM DOORWAY - DAY

In the entrance way, most of the guests have gathered around Joyce and Chloe’s twin sister ZOEY. The tension is palpable as the two women glare at each other with frozen smiles.

JOYCEZoey. I wasn’t expecting you.

ZOEYSo you’ve been telling me my entire life. Surprise. Again.

JOYCEYou’re looking... healthy.

ZOEYThanks, Joyce. And you’re looking... ridiculous.

Bobbi, clearly a bit tipsy, approaches Zoey.

12.

BOBBIWow. Now that’s a great costume. You look exactly like that dead girl.

(to Joyce)You should take notes. You could use some pointers from this one.

Bobbi moves on through the crowd, swaying ever so slightly.


The guests are seated at several small tables. Joyce steps up to a podium at the head of the room. As she speaks, she becomes more emotional, but there is something hollow about it.

JOYCEHello, everyone. First, I want to thank you all for coming today. It’s so wonderful to feel all the love in this room. I know that Chloe is here with us now, hugging each and every one of us.

Kyle nudges Roman.

KYLE(softly)

See? I told you.

JOYCEYou all know that Chloe was the most precious thing in the world to me. I don’t know what I’m going to do now without her. She was all I had.

Zoey smiles tightly at her mother, but her eyes are shooting daggers. Bobbi pulls up a chair next to her.

BOBBIHey, wait a minute. Aren’t you her kid too?

ZOEYYou'd never know it, would you?

JOYCE(tearing up)

Chloe was every mother's dream. A perfect angel.

13.

(MORE)

And as saddened as I am to say goodbye, I am so grateful that I was given the time with her that I was. It makes up for so much of the other disappointments I've had to bear in this life.

Joyce looks pointedly at Zoey, who raises her glass to Joyce in a toast, then slams it.

BOBBIOooh. Harsh! That calls for another drink.

Bobbi rises and starts for the bar.

ZOEYThanks. Rum and Diet.

BOBBIOh, you wanted one too?


Casey sneaks up behind Henry and playfully grabs him around the throat. In a Boris Karloff voice:

CASEYThey're coming to get you, Henry.

HENRYHey. I guess you're feeling better.

CASEYYeah. That paint stripper you made me chug really works. Thanks.

HENRYGlad I could help. Listen… about what I was saying before…

CASEYOh. Wait. Check this out.

HENRYWhat?

CASEYKyle.

Casey nods toward Kyle, who is filling water glasses. He empties one pitcher, turns to get another.

14.

JOYCE (CONT'D)

CASEY (CONT’D)Squealing like a bitch in 3...2...1...

Right on cue Kyle removes the napkin that was covering the pitcher and sees the Baby Tiffany doll floating in it. He shrieks and knocks over several glasses.

Ron approaches Henry and Casey at the bar.

RONHave you two seen Roman?

HENRYLast I saw him he was in the kitchen. Why?

RONHe's supposed to be taking care of...a... thing... that I asked him to take care of. I can't find him anywhere.

CASEYHe must be around somewhere. Did you check the bathroom?

RONI don't have time. Will you?

CASEYMe? Check the men's room?

RONEveryone else is busy. And you seem to be spending most of your time in the bathroom anyway. What's the big deal?

CASEYOhh...kay.

Casey shrugs at Henry and heads off toward the restrooms.

INT. FUNERAL HOME HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Casey walks up to the door of the men’s room and is about to knock as Roman comes out.

CASEYRon’s looking for you.

Kyle walks up behind Casey and starts to head into the men’s room.

15.

ROMAN(to Kyle)

Oh, hey, I think the urinal’s out of order. You’ll want to use the stall.

KYLEThanks.

Kyle continues on into the bathroom, as Roman grins at Casey, holding up a finger: wait for it. A moment later Kyle yelps. Roman and Casey exchange a high five.


Joyce finishes up at the podium.

JOYCEAnd so now I’ll just fade into the background, as I usually do, and let you all share your favorite memories of my darling little girl.

Joyce steps aside as an older but stately gentleman, JOEL GERSMANN steps up to the podium. He hugs Joyce stiffly, then she moves off.

JOELHello. I’m sure you all remember me from my days as Baby Tiffany’s Daddy, Skip Masterson.

The guests force polite smiles and applaud lightly.

JOEL (CONT’D)You know, I remember the day I my agent called to tell me about the audition. I was in the Big Apple, understudying the role of Che in a little show I like to call “Evita”...

As Joel continues to drone on, Joyce approaches Ron behind the buffet.

JOYCEWhere’s the doll?

RONHm? The... uh...oh! The doll. Yes. Um... it’s...

Roman joins them.

16.

ROMANIt’s exactly where you had me put it for safekeeping.

RONIt is? Of course it is.

ROMANYep. Safe and sound.

JOYCEBut it’s supposed to be the centerpiece for the buffet.

ROMANOh, no, you don’t want to do that. Something’s likely to get spilled on it, and once that happens, you can kiss your mint condition rating goodbye.

JOYCEYou think?

ROMANAbsolutely. One time I had this first edition HR Giger Alien figurine? I got just the tiniest bit of vaseline on the box, and--

JOYCE-- Fine. I don’t care. Just make sure it gets put out for everyone to sign, all right?

Joyce moves off. Ron gives a huge sigh of relief.

ROMAN(looking after Joyce)

Whatever. It’s your funeral.

RONThanks for covering for me.

ROMANNo problem.

RONWhat did you do with the doll?

ROMANLike I said, I put it somewhere for safekeeping.

17.

Kyle comes out of the hallway that leads to the men’s room, ashen. Roman beams.


Henry is behind the bar, still trying to catch Casey’s eye. Zoey comes up to the bar.

ZOEYRum and Diet.

HENRYComing right up.

(beat)I’m sorry about your sister.

ZOEYYeah. Me too. I sorta hoped that Joyce and I could bury the hatchet now. I don’t know what I was thinking.

HENRYMaybe you just need to give it a little time?

ZOEYIf I were a vampire I wouldn’t have that much time. Trust me, it’s hopeless.

HENRYLook, I don’t really know you. Or her. But isn’t it possible that you could help each other through your grief?

ZOEYWhat’s your name?

HENRYHenry.

ZOEYYou got kids, Henry?

HENRYI’m trying to find that out.

ZOEYWell, if you ever do, just... justlove ‘em, okay? It’s amazing how many people forget to do that.

18.

(MORE)

And a what a mess they make when they don’t.

HENRYRight. But that does go both ways.

ZOEYWhat’s that supposed to mean?

HENRYJust that it’s easy for kids to forget that their parents are human too. They have the same flaws as the rest of us.

ZOEYHuman? I once had a hamster who ate her babies. She was still a better mother than Joyce.

HENRYHow do you know? Have you really tried talking to her? Maybe you two have more in common than you realize? Maybe Chloe’s death could be a new beginning for you?

ZOEYI don’t know. There’s just so much hurt there, you know?

HENRYI know. But I also know that if I had a kid, there wouldn’t be anything that could ever stop me from loving them. Even if I had trouble showing it.

Zoey ponders this as she moves back through the crowd. Henry looks over at Casey, who has heard the entire exchange. She has tears streaming down her face. She catches Henry looking at her and angrily wipes them away.

INT. KITCHEN PREP AREA - DAY

Ron is prepping buffet dishes. Henry enters.

HENRYHey Ron. I was thinking, when you finally open that Soup ‘R Crackers, you’re going to need to hire an entire staff, right?

19.

ZOEY (CONT'D)

RONWhy? You interested?

HENRYMaybe.

RONHenry, that’s great. You always tell me to shut the fuck up when I mention it. What brought this on?

HENRYOh, you know. I’ve been thinking about my life... and being more responsible.

RONGrowing up is hard to do, my friend. But necessary. At least, that’s what my mom keeps telling me.

HENRYRight. And sometimes life bitch slaps you and you’ve got no choice.

RONI keep telling Mom I’ll get my own place once I’ve got the restaurant up and running, but--

HENRY--There are benefits, right? Health insurance?

RONAbsolutely. I’ve got all the brochures in my car. You want me to get them for you?

HENRYSure. That’d be great. Thanks.

RONNo, Henry. Thank you. I’ll be right back.

Ron scampers off to his car.


Henry and Casey are alone at the bar. Henry hands Casey a drink.

20.

HENRYYour club soda, Barfarella.

CASEYThanks.

HENRYLook, can we talk about something?

CASEYShoot.

HENRYThis...whatever it is. That’s going on with you, physically?

CASEYDon’t worry. Last time I checked PMS wasn’t contagious.

HENRYNo, what I mean is...

Roman, Kyle and Bobbi come up to the bar. Bobbi is fairly unsteady on her feet. Henry sighs and starts pouring shots for all but Casey.

BOBBIAll right, this sucks. We’ve been at this for hours now and all I know about you guys is that you’re really, really boring. Come on. Somebody ask me an “I Never”.

ROMANOkay. I’ve never gone bungee jumping in a skirt, and then remembered too late that I wasn’t wearing panties.

BOBBIOh my God, you were there? Christ, that was hilarious.

Bobbi downs her shot, then waits for a refill. It’s clear by the looks that Roman exchanges with everyone that it was a total guess on his part.

BOBBI (CONT’D)Somebody ask me another.

KYLEUm... I’ve never flashed my tits at the pope.

21.

BOBBIPlease. That’s too easy.

She pounds her shot. Henry refills her glass, then notices Casey quietly drinking as well. Off Henry’s look:

CASEYWhat? It’s not like he cared. He’s the friggin’ Pope.

BOBBIGive me a hard one this time.

Henry’s frustration finally reaches its breaking point.

HENRYI’ve got one.

(to Casey)I’ve never been pregnant?

BOBBII said a hard one. Gimme that.

Bobbi reaches behind the bar, grabs a bottle and starts chugging it. Casey looks at Henry blankly for a moment, then it hits her like a bus.

CASEYFUCK ME!

ROMANI’d say it’s a little late for that.

Casey lunges for the nearest trash can and hurls.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM - BEHIND THE BUFFET

Kyle and Casey are standing against the wall.

KYLESo. Baby on board, huh?

CASEYFuck off, Kyle. It’s food poisoning, okay?

KYLEThat’s cool. But just so you know, I think it’s awesome.

22.

CASEYGlad to hear it. Next time I eat some bad clams you can throw me a parade.

KYLEI’ve thought about it, you know.

CASEYWhat? Ptomaine poisoning?

KYLENo. Fatherhood.

CASEYPlease. You?

KYLEYeah. I think it’d be great. Having a little mini-me? We could hang out, do stuff. I could teach him stuff...

CASEYLike how to tan? Or the proper use of hair gel?

KYLEYeah! Stuff like that. And then someday? He would teach his son that, and then that kid would teach his son, and --

CASEY-- And hallelujah! The human race is saved.

KYLERight. So, see? It’s all good.

CASEYWhatever you say. Hey, it looks like the green beans are getting low. Can you get that other dish for me?

She indicates a dish under the buffet and picks up the empty dish.

INT. UNDER THE BUFFET - CONTINUOUS

Kyle picks up a covered dish, then hesitates. He slowly lifts the lid and peeks under it. Just green beans. He sags with relief and straightens up.

23.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM -BEHIND THE BUFFET - CONTINUOUS

Casey is gone. In the empty space in the steam table the Baby Tiffany doll is lying with a fork stuck in her eye. Kyle yelps and drops the green beans.


Casey stands against the wall. Ron approaches her tentatively.

RONHey. I heard the news. Congratulations.

CASEY(shouting)

For Christ’s sake, it’s fuckingfood poisoning!

Several of the guests turn and stare at them. Casey and Ron smile awkwardly. Casey tries to get hold of herself.

CASEY (CONT’D)It’s food poisoning. That’s it.

RONNo, I understand. But I wanted to tell you that you have nothing to worry about. Henry and I have it all worked out.

CASEYHave what all worked out?

RONHenry is going to be my assistant manager at Soup ‘R Crackers.

CASEYHe said that?

RONYep. And it’s a great gig. Steady salary. Performance bonuses. Health insurance.

CASEY(softly)

Soul crushing. Dream killing. Hope murdering...

24.

RON(not hearing her)

He’s a great guy, Casey. He’ll be a wonderful provider. I know you’ll be very happy together. So cheer up, okay? Everything’s going to work out just fine.

Casey suddenly bursts into tears and runs off.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

Casey comes out of a stall, wiping her eyes. Bobbi is standing at the sinks, making faces at herself in the mirror. She is plotzed.

CASEYOh. Hey.

Casey edges around Bobbi to wash her hands and splash some water on her face. Bobbi seems oblivious to her presence. Casey observes her for a moment, then:

CASEY (CONT’D)So... you have kids, huh?

BOBBIWhat? Fuck no! Whatever gave you that idea?

CASEYBefore, when we were playing that game? You drank when Henry said he’d never been pregnant.

BOBBIYeah.

CASEYDoesn’t that mean you have?

BOBBIOh, sure. I’ve been pregnant. Tons of times. That doesn’t mean I have kids.

CASEYOh.

BOBBIChrist. Could you see me with a bunch of drippy nosed socket jockeys?

25.

CASEYNo. Not when you put it that way.

BOBBIWhiny, puking, piss-filled little assholes. Ugh. If they were smaller I’d step on ‘em like cockroaches. Watch their sniveling little guts just ooze out from under my shoe.

This isn’t helping Casey’s nausea.

CASEYSo, when you did it... did it hurt?

BOBBINah. It’s just like passing a really big clot during your period, you know? God, you should see the size of some of the ones I’ve thrown. One time, I swear, I had this one, must’ve been the size of a brisket. All covered in...

Casey bolts for the stall, about to hurl. Bobbi goes back to playing with her face in the mirror. She calls out over her shoulder.

BOBBI (CONT’D)Oh, hey, you might wanna use the other one. I’m not sure I remembered to flush.

Casey starts retching in earnest.


Zoey stands at the podium, addressing the guests.

ZOEYHi. Um, I'm not really good at this. My sister was the actress, not me. I doubt that any of you remember me, seeing as how Joyce insisted on keeping my existence a secret. And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank her for the years of therapy I've needed as a result.

(Henry shoots her a look, she catches herself)

Wait. Forget that. I didn't come here to fight. I came here to say goodbye to my sister.

26.

(MORE)

I know that in recent years she was just a punch line to a lot of people. But before that happened, she made millions of people laugh every week. How many of us can say that?

Joel Gersmann raises his hand, then realizes it was a rhetorical question.

ZOEY (CONT’D)Sometimes death is about new beginnings. My sister is gone. I miss her, but there’s nothing I can do about that. But I also miss my mom, and I think there is something I can do about that. At least, I can try. So... Joyce? Mom? What do you say? There was room for two of us in your womb. Can't there be room for two of us in your heart?

Joyce, bawling, runs up to the podium and fiercely hugs Zoey. The guests erupt in spontaneous applause.

Suddenly Casey hurries up to the podium, speaking into the microphone.

CASEYAttention, everyone. The sap is flowing! It was a false alarm. I’m not pregnant!

She joyfully fist pumps, then realizes all of the guests are staring at her. Joel Gersmann starts to applaud, then stops when he catches the looks from the other guests. Casey becomes self-conscious.

CASEY (CONT’D)(to Joyce and Zoey)

Oh. And, um... congratulations. Thanks everyone.

Casey skulks off.

EXT. FUNERAL HOME - NIGHT

Henry is smoking. Casey comes up beside him. He ignores her. She playfully punches him, he barely glances at her. After an awkward moment:

27.

ZOEY (CONT'D)

CASEYSo, what? Am I supposed to apologize for not making you Daddy Dearest?

HENRYNo. Of course not.

CASEYOh my God! You're seriously disappointed, aren't you?

HENRYWhat? No!

CASEYYou are!

HENRYNo. Okay. Maybe just a little.

CASEYFor fuck's sake, Henry, I'm not even legally divorced yet!

HENRYI know, I know. It's stupid. But for a second there, I thought--

CASEY--If that sentence in any way ends with living happily ever after in Stepford, so help me God I am going to set fire to your nut sack.

HENRYNo, nothing like that. It's just that for the first time I had a glimpse of what it would be like to have somebody else be the focus of my life, you know? And I gotta admit, I didn't hate it.

CASEYThat’s why you failed as an actor. You’re not selfish enough.

HENRYI don't know. I thought it might be the one thing that would really make me get my shit together.

28.

CASEYNow see? That just proves how wrong you are. You've got it backwards. First you get your shit together, and then you have kids. Otherwise you'll end up like Momzilla and Hell Spawn in there.

HENRYI guess. But you’ve got to admit that turned out rather nicely.

Casey studies him for a moment.

CASEYPussy.

Casey kisses his cheek, then heads back inside, leaving Henry to his thoughts.

INT. KITCHEN PREP AREA - NIGHT

Bobbi, Roman and Casey are packing up. Ron enters, sighing.

RONI guess I’ve stalled as long as I can. Hopefully Mrs. Zimmerman is still in a forgiving mood. Where’s the doll?

ROMANI don’t know. Casey had it last.

CASEYMe? No. I left it here on the table. I thought you had it.

Kyle enters, grinning smugly.

KYLERelax, mon amigos, I have taken care of everything. I finally put the doll where she belongs, and rescued your karma.

RONWhat did you do with it?

KYLEI returned her safely to her family. All is well.

29.

RONReally? Wow...well, thank you, Kyle. You guys really had my back today.

KYLEJust remember that when you’re dead, okay? No hanging out in my toilet bowl?

Off Ron, who has no idea what he’s talking about.

END TITLES

EXT. FUNERAL HOME - NIGHT

Henry is finishing his smoke and about to head inside when he hears voices. He peeks around the corner and sees Joyce counting out bills to Zoey.

JOYCEOne-seventy. One-seventy-five. There. Just make damn sure you’re on time for the photo shoot tomorrow.

ZOEYJawohl! Pleasure doing business with you.

Joyce angrily heads off to her car. Zoey heads to hers in the opposite direction, making her walk right past Henry. She startles when she sees him.

ZOEY (CONT’D)Oh, hey.

HENRY Hey.

ZOEYListen, do me a favor and pretend you didn't hear that just now, okay?

HENRYYou mean it was all an act?

ZOEY(a bit sheepish)

Yeah. Joyce called me a few days ago, and said we could make a mint if we did a public reconciliation.

30.

HENRYBut what about your sister? Didn't you mean any of that?

ZOEYFuck no. Everybody in that room was phoney as shit, and Chloe was the worst of them all. If you looked up her dress all you'd see would be an eight by ten glossy of a cunt.

Zoey heads off to her car, opens the door and screams.

INT. ZOEY’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

The Baby Tiffany doll is seated in the driver’s seat, looking up her. There is a note pinned to her that says “I’ll always be with you.”

END OF EPISODE

31.

party down spec script

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