Modern Family

Mirror, Mirror

byBetsy McNeely

#WGA 1428054

ACT ONE

JAY & GLORIA INTERVIEW

JAYWould I change anything about my wife’s looks?

Jay and Gloria look blankly into the camera for a moment, then burst into uproarious laughter.

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

CAMERONOne thing I would change about Mitchell’s looks? Ooh, that’s a tough one. Let me think...

MITCHELLAw, that’s sweet.

CAMERONI can only pick one thing?

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY-DAY

Cameron is packing supplies into a beach bag.

CAMERON(calling off)

Mitchell, the whole point of a sunset picnic at the beach is to actually see the sun set.

Mitchell enters from the bedroom, wearing a dress shirt buttoned to his chin, jacket, dress slacks. Cameron eyes him up and down.

CAMERON (CONT’D)What, no tie?

MITCHELLWhy? You think I should? I wasn’t sure... yeah, you’re right. Just give me a second.

He hurries back to the bedroom.

CLAIRE & PHIL INTERVIEW

PHILI wouldn’t change a thing. I mean, getting old together, seeing those bags and wrinkles appear? That’s what marriage is all about, right?

Beat.

CLAIRE(coughing into her fist)

Ear hair.

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

CAMERONActually, there is only one thing. And we both know exactly what it is.

MITCHELLWe do?

CAMERONDon’t play dumb. You know what I’m talking about.

MITCHELLOh. That.

CAMERONYes. That.

JAY & GLORIA INTERVIEW

Jay and Gloria are still laughing.

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

CAMERON (CONT’D)I designed an extremely tasteful tattoo, with the initials M, C and L, intertwined inside a heart. To symbolize our family.

MITCHELLIt’s a bit much.

CAMERONIt’s a statement. But it loses its meaning if I’m the only one sporting it.

2.

MITCHELLYes, well, I have a pathological loathing of needles.

Beat.And tattoos.

CLAIRE & PHIL INTERVIEW

CLAIREYou know, I have been mistaken for Haley’s sister.

PHILReally? When?

CLAIREUm... just last week, as a matter of fact. At the dry cleaners.

PHILYou mean Mrs. Johnson? Honey, she’s blind as a bat. She mistakes me for Haley’s sister too.

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

MITCHELLWhat would I change about Cameron’s appearance?

Mitchell gets a deer caught in headlights look.

CAMERONOh, it’s all right. You can say it.

MITCHELLReally? You’re okay with it?

CAMERONI’m fine. It’s not like it’s any secret. It’s the big, pink, gay elephant in the room.

MITCHELLI wouldn’t put it that way--

CAMERONHe wants me to get my nipples pierced.

Mitchell resumes the shined deer look.

3.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Cameron is folding laundry. The television is on. Suddenly he reacts to what’s on it: an ad for an exercise video starring an impossibly ripped, tanned Adonis.

CAMERON(calling off)

Mitchell. Get in here. You are not going to believe this.

Mitchell enters.

CAMERON (CONT’D)Isn’t that...?

MITCHELLHey. Trevor. Yeah, he told me he was starting up a personal training business.

CAMERONHe told you? When?

MITCHELLWhen we had lunch last week. I told you.

CAMERONNo, I think I would remember you telling me that you had lunch with your ex. Especially an ex you said you broke up with because he didn’t care about his appearance, and who is suddenly in our living room looking like Mr. Universe.

MITCHELLActually, he is Mr. Universe this year. Pretty amazing, huh? He used to be bigger than you.

Off Cameron’s look:

MITCHELL (CONT’D)I mean... he’s okay, you know... if you like that sort of thing. Which I don’t. Ew. Um... oh, is Lily up from her nap already?

Mitchell hurries off to Lily’s room.

4.

MITCHELL INTERVIEW

MITCHELL (CONT’D)I wouldn’t be unhappy if Cameron lost some weight. And it has nothing to do with attractiveness. I’d love him even if he weighed a thousand pounds.

(softly)Please dear God don’t make me prove that.

(normal)I just want him to be healthy. And to set a good example for Lily. But every time he tries to diet he gets... well...

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - FOOTAGE

Mitchell is in the kitchen, jotting something down on a note pad. Cameron is in the living room.

MITCHELLCam? I’m making out a grocery list. Do you want me to pick up some more of that brie you like?

Cameron leaps off the couch, hysterical.

CAMERONDon’t judge me, Mitchell! I’m doing the best that I can! Not everybody was blessed with the metabolism of a hummingbird, you know!

Cameron flees to the bedroom and slams the door.

MITCHELL INTERVIEW

MITCHELLNope. I am perfectly fine with him just the way he is.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Jay is at the table while Gloria is preparing lunch. Manny enters, dejected. He slumps into a chair across from Jay.

GLORIAWhat’s wrong, Papi?

MANNYTiara Michaels won’t go out with me because I’m fat.

5.

GLORIAWhat? Miejo, you are not fat. You are just going through a little husky phase. You probably misunderstood her.

MANNYI don’t think so. I said “Tiara, would you do me the honor of attending the Fitness Challenge picnic with me?” And she said “No.” And I said “Why not?” And she said “Because you’re fat.”

JAYYep, no misunderstanding that.

GLORIAPlease. I’m sure you could do this fitness challenge better than any boy in your class.

MANNYYou think? Yeah, maybe you’re right. If I started training now, then I could show Tiara my physical prowess and she’ll be dying to go out with me.

GLORIASee? That’s my boy.

JAYHang on a sec there, Schwarzenegger. As I recall fencing and tango are not part of the test. It’s about endurance and strength.

MANNYWould you train me?

GLORIAThat’s an excellent idea.

JAYSure it is. I’ve been meaning to get that pesky first heart attack out of the way for a while now.

EXT. JAY & GLORIA’S BACKYARD - DAY

Jay and Manny are dressed in workout attire, seated on the ground. Manny struggles to do a sit up.

6.

MANNY(grunting)Nine...

JAYTwo.

Manny glares at him. Strains through another sit up.

MANNYThree...

JAYTwo...

MANNYWhat? You said the last one was two.

JAYThe last one was a half.

Gloria comes out of the house, carrying a tray with a pitcher of ice water and two glasses. As soon as Jay sees her, he quickly starts doing a sit up himself.

JAY (CONT’D)And... thirty. See? Nothing to it.

Gloria sets the tray down on the patio table and smiles at them.

INT. DRY CLEANERS - DAY

Claire is waiting in line behind a woman (PAM) currently being waited on by the elderly MRS. JOHNSON. When Pam gets her order and turns to leave, she looks at Claire.

PAMClaire? Oh my God, Claire Pritchett?

Claire blinks for a moment, trying to place her. Finally it hits her.

CLAIREPam Olsen? No way!

They hug, then pull back to look at each other.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)You look amazing!

7.

PAM(smiling))

And you’re still full of it.

CLAIRENo, seriously. You look like you haven’t aged a day since high school. What’s your secret?

PAMWell, just between you and me, I’ve had a little help.

CLAIREWhat, you mean like surgery?

PAMShh. Our little secret, huh?

PHIL & CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIREI’m really tired of the double standard our society imposes on women when it comes to aging. I mean, when Brad Pitt grows a salt and pepper beard it’s hip and trendy. But when my Aunt Barbara does it...

Phil shudders.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)Well, yeah. Okay, it’s disturbing.

INT. DRY CLEANERS - CONTINUOUS

PAMReally Claire, it’s no big deal these days. Why not take the help if it’s out there, right?

CLAIREI don’t know. It’s seems a bit extreme to me.

PAMNonsense. Here, let me give you my doctor’s card.

Pam opens her wallet and hands Claire a business card.

8.

PAM (CONT’D)He could work wonders with those crow’s feet. What’s the harm in checking it out?

Mrs. Johnson waves to Pam.

MRS. JOHNSONMiss? Miss, you forgot your change.

Pam gives Claire a wink and a smile, gathers her change and heads out. Claire watches her go for a moment, lost in thought, then steps up to the counter.

MRS. JOHNSON (CONT’D)Oh, hi there Mr. Dunphy. I didn’t recognize you.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - KITCHEN - DAY

Mitchell is putting away some dishes. Cameron comes in with an arm load of groceries. He proudly starts unpacking the items.

MITCHELLWhat’s all this?

CAMERONThe makings of Cameron two point oh. Vitamins, herbal cleanser, organic produce...

MITCHELLOh. Another diet?

CAMERONNo, Mitchell, diets are a thing of the past. This is the start of a whole new lifestyle for me.

MITCHELLUm...great?

CAMERONI know what you’re thinking. But this time it’s going to be different. This time, I have put myself in the capable hands of your Mr. Universe, and he is going to make me hard as a rock.

Off Mitchell’s look:

9.

CAMERON (CONT’D)Mind out of the gutter please.

EXT. JAY & GLORIA’S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

GLORIAYou are both working so hard. I thought you could use a little refreshment.

JAYThanks. I admit, at first I was a little out of shape, but now it’s all coming back to me.

GLORIAI see that. But I think some of those muscles have gone to your head. You’ve forgotten how to count. Manny, that’s three. Jay, that’s one.

Gloria pulls a whistle out of her blouse and blows it.

GLORIA (CONT’D)Now come on. Let me see some sweat.

JAY INTERVIEW

Jay looks over his shoulder to ensure that he is alone, then leans conspiratorially into the camera.

JAYOkay. I lied. There is something I would change about the way Gloria looks.

END OF ACT ONE

10.

ACT TWO

CLAIRE - INTERVIEW

CLAIRESeeing Pam again got me thinking. What’s wrong with getting a little help to feel better about yourself? I mean, there’s no harm in just checking it out, right?

INT. DOCTOR’S EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY

Claire sits on the exam table, while a male DOCTOR (40s) closely inspects her face.

DOCTORI must say, Mrs. Dunphy, you have lovely skin for a woman your age.

CLAIREThank you. So... I really don’t need anything done?

DOCTORI didn’t say that.

CLAIREOh.

The doctor finishes his examination and pulls a roll of surgical tape out of a drawer.

DOCTORWhat I suggest is something called a tape lift. I place a small amount of tape at key points, just under your hairline where it won’t show. It’s temporary, but it will give you an idea of what surgery might do for you.

CLAIREWow. I can test drive a new face?

DOCTORIn a way. Surgery is a major decision. I want my patients to be absolutely certain that it’s the right choice for them.

CLAIREOr maybe decide they don’t really need it after all?

11.

DOCTORI didn’t say that.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - KITCHEN - DAY

Cameron is pouring a health shake into a glass from a blender. He raises it to his lips, grimaces, sets it down. He takes a deep breath and chokes down a sip, grimacing again. Mitchell walks in, pulls some leftovers out of the refrigerator and starts to prepare a plate for himself. He finally notices Cameron glaring at him.

MITCHELLWhat?

CAMERONMust you do that in front of me?

MITCHELLThis is the kitchen. It’s where we keep the food. Where else am I supposed to do it?

Cameron keeps glaring. Finally Mitchell gathers up the food and heads for the hallway.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)Right. What was I thinking? Lily’s changing table is a perfect food prep surface.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Alex sits at the island, her head bent over some homework. Claire enters and waits for a reaction to her new look.

CLAIREHey honey. What are you working on?

ALEX(not looking up)

Book report. We’re reading The Portrait of Dorian Gray.

CLAIREOoh. I love that movie. It scared the heck out of me when I was a kid.

ALEXYeah, well, this is the book, not the movie.

12.

CLAIREThe way that portrait looked at the end? Yuck. But he always looked so... young?

ALEXMm hm.

Phil and Haley enter carrying grocery bags. Haley sets hers down, then turns and faces Claire.

HALEYOh. My. God.

CLAIREWhat? Notice anything different?

HALEYAre those my earrings?

CLAIREWhat? No. I mean, yes, I borrowed them, but...

HALEYI can’t believe you did that!

CLAIREOK. Fine. I’ll take them off.

HALEYGross! I don’t want them back now!

Haley stomps off to her room. Luke enters, carrying an open dictionary. He slams it down on the counter in front of Alex.

LUKEHa! See? I told you. What do you say now, Miss Brainiac?

ALEXYou’re right. I’m speechless.

PHILWhat’s going on?

LUKEAlex told me that gullible wasn’t in the dictionary. But I found it.

PHILOh snap. Atta boy, buddy. I’m proud of you.

13.

Phil and Luke exchange low fives and exit.

Alex finally looks at Claire.

ALEXAdmit it. You drank while you were pregnant with him, didn’t you?

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Manny is making the mother of all sandwiches. Jay walks in and snatches it away.

JAYNot on my watch, pal.

MANNYBut I always have a snack when I get home from school.

JAYMaybe it means something different in Spanish, but in English snack does not mean a week’s worth of groceries stuffed between two slices of bread.

MANNYI’m hungry.

Jay puts Manny’s sandwich in the refrigerator, pulls out a yogurt.

JAYThere ya go.

Manny looks longingly at his sandwich, then sighs and takes the yogurt from Jay.

MANNYTiara, I hope you appreciate the depth of my sacrifice for you.

Manny mopes off. Once he’s gone, Jay pulls Manny’s sandwich back out of the refrigerator, gets a napkin and some utensils. As he turns back to the sandwich, Gloria enters.

GLORIAOh, thank you. You read my mind. I’m starving.

She kisses Jay on the cheek, takes the sandwich and exits, leaving Jay with the same longing look that Manny had.

14.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Claire is angrily putting away dishes, slamming drawers and cupboards. Phil enters, putting on a jacket.

PHILHoney, have you seen my briefcase?

CLAIRENo. But then again, I’m getting so old these days that my eyesight is probably going.

PHILUh-oh. I know this one. I’ve really screwed up somehow, and we play twenty questions until I guess it. And then I guess wrong, and you get even more mad. But can we do the speed version? Because I’ve got a showing in 10 minutes.

CLAIREOf course you do. It’s always about you, isn’t it? It’s not like I have any feelings. I’m just the old ball and chain. Emphasis on “old”.

PHILYikes. The mother lode. Okay. Just let me call the Bartletts and reschedule, all right? Then it’s punishpalooza time.

CLAIREWait. No. I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me.

PHIL(panicked)

Oh my God, Claire, are you divorcing me?

In the background Alex walks by, and freezes as she hears this. She creeps to the door frame and eavesdrops.

CLAIREWhat? No. I guess I’m just a little hurt, that’s all. See, the other day I tried this thing called a tape lift, to try and look a little younger? And nobody even noticed.

15.

PHILWhat? Honey, why would you do that? Don’t you know you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to us?

Phil scoops her into his arms.

CLAIREI know. It was silly and vain.

PHILI’ll say. Not to mention shallow, petty, narcissistic --

CLAIREOkay, not so much agreement.

PHILRight.

From her eavesdropping spot, Alex gets an idea.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - ALEX’S BEDROOM - LATER

Alex and Luke are talking.

ALEXI’m not supposed to tell you this, but we had another brother before you. His name was Dorian.

LUKEDorian? What happened to him?

ALEXNobody knows for sure. One day Mom started looking weird. She couldn’t stop smiling, but there was something really creepy about that smile.

LUKELike what?

ALEXLike she hadn’t eaten in a year, and Dorian was a Paula Deen ham. One night, he just... disappeared. I remember Mom made a big dinner that night, though, with fava beans and a nice chianti? After that, we never saw or spoke of Dorian again.

Luke looks doubtful but a little nervous.

16.

INT. TREVOR’S GYM - DAY

Trevor stands over Cameron, who is struggling to complete a set of bench presses.

TREVORCome on, Cameron. My grandmother could work harder than that, and she's been dead for 6 years.

CAMERONRight now I would gladly trade places with her.

TREVORFive more. And five ... four ... three ... two ... and, last one.

Cameron collapses and waits for praise on his achievement. Trevor just picks up a clipboard and writes something down.

CAMERONYou’re not big on the whole positive encouragement thing, are you?

TREVORWhen you do something worthy of a compliment, you'll get one.

CAMERONHuzzah. There’s that reason to live I’ve been searching for.

TREVORCameron, this is my business. I take it very seriously, and I don’t appreciate it when my clients don’t.

CAMERONWho says I’m not taking it seriously?

TREVORThe five pounds you’ve gained this week?

CAMERONI told you. I retain water like a sponge.

17.

TREVORFine. Have it your way. Just don’t blame me when Mitchell walks out on you too.

CAMERONThat will never happen.

TREVORYeah, I thought that too. Then one night we were getting ready to go out. Mitchell just looked at me and said “Is that what you’re wearing?”

CAMERONHe likes to help those less fashion fortunate than himself.

TREVORIt wasn’t just that. He made up some bogus errand he had to run. Said we should take separate cars. Then he stood me up. And the next day? Poof. We were over.

Cameron tries to be nonchalant, but looks a little uncertain.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Jay, Manny and Cameron are jogging. They are all visibly struggling and miserable, and finally collectively stop to catch their breath. Suddenly Cameron straightens up, sniffing the air. He looks around wildly and spots the source of the aroma: a Fatburger. He looks questioningly at Jay and Manny, and the three share a secretive handshake before jogging into the restaurant.

INT. FATBURGER - LATER

Cameron, Jay and Manny sit in a booth, feasting. They all greedily shovel food into their mouths as they talk.

CAMERONAnd then he hints that if I don’t start shaping up, Mitchell might leave me. Can you believe that?

MANNYThat’s cold.

CAMERONLike Wisconsin in January. And it’s not like Mitchell’s any better.

18.

(MORE)

I’m going through hell for him, but does Mr. “I-have-to-turn-around-twice-to-cast-a-shadow” even notice?

MANNYShameful.

CAMERONI know, right?

JAYYeah, the things we do for love. I’m already pushing my luck to the breaking point with Gloria. The least I can do is not grow a set of moobs on her.

MANNYWhat are moobs?

JAYKeep scarfing those chili fries. You’ll find out.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - ALEX’S ROOM - DAY

Alex is lying on her bed reading. Claire enters with a laundry basket. Alex quickly puts down her book and studies Claire.

ALEXMom? Are you feeling okay?

CLAIREOf course, honey. Why?

ALEXI don’t know. A few days ago you looked really great, but now...

CLAIREWhat?

ALEXWell, don’t take this the wrong way? But you’re looking sort of... old.

CLAIRENo, sweetie, actually I’m just looking my age. What you saw before was a moment of temporary insanity.

19.

CAMERON (CONT'D)

ALEXReally? Because I thought you looked amazing.

CLAIREYou did? It was that noticeable to you?

ALEXTotally. Whatever you did you should definitely do it again.

CLAIREI don’t know. It was just a little tape lift. I’m not even sure I could do it by myself.

ALEXI could help you.

CLAIREYou could?

ALEXSure. We could do it for Grandpa’s tonight. It’ll be our little secret.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Mitchell is packing up Lily’s things, getting ready to go to Jay & Gloria’s. Cameron enters from the bedroom, proudly wearing a shirt that is several sizes too small.

CAMERONTa da! Look what I fit into again.

MITCHELLIs that what you’re wearing?

Cameron gapes at him. Mitchell doesn’t notice, just goes back to doing a quick inventory of Lily’s supplies.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)Whoops. Forgot Mr. Binky. Be right back.

Mitchell heads off to Lily’s bedroom. On the coffee table, his cell phone beeps. Cameron glances down the hall then surreptitiously picks it up. There’s a text message from Trevor:

20.

TEXT MESSAGENeed 2 C U luvr. Come 2 gym 2nite.Alone! - T

Cameron is aghast. Mitchell enters with Mr. Binky, Cameron quickly puts the phone down.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - FOYER - EVENING

Phil, Haley and Luke are at the front door with their coats on, ready to leave for Jay & Gloria’s.

PHIL(calling upstairs)

Honey? Come on. We’re gonna be late.

Claire comes downstairs, Alex following behind her. Claire has a severe smiling, surprised look on her face. Luke yelps when he sees her and cowers behind Phil. Phil and Haley just gape at her for a moment. Then:

HALEYIs that my necklace?

END OF ACT TWO

21.

ACT THREE

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT

Jay opens the door for the Dunphys. Luke bursts in, grabbing Jay tightly around the knees.

LUKEGrandpa! Don’t let her eat me!

Jay looks down at Luke, puzzled.

JAYDon’t let who eat you? Your --

He looks up and sees Claire.

JAY (CONT’D)Sweet mother of mercy! What the hell happened to you?

CLAIREI know, it’s a little extreme. But I really think everyone’s over reacting. It’s not that bad.

JAYYeah? Prove it. Blink for me.

Claire struggles to close her eyes. She can’t.

JAY (CONT’D)That’s what I thought. Well, at least Lily won’t feel like the only Asian in the family now.

Manny and Gloria come into the foyer. Manny is proudly waving a piece of paper. He sidles up to Haley.

MANNYGood evening, Haley. After my triumph at the Fitness Challenge picnic today, the only thing that could make the day sweeter is seeing your lovely face tonight.

Haley glances at the paper Manny holds.

HALEYThat just says participant.

MANNYI know. Impressive, isn’t it?

22.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Mitchell packs up Mr. Binky. Cameron hurriedly picks up Lily in her car seat and heads for the front door.

CAMERONOkay. That’s everything. Let’s go.

Mitchell follows them out and closes the door. A moment later they enter again.

MITCHELLI knew I forgot something. See? This what happens when you rush me.

Mitchell looks around the room. Cameron gets panicky.

CAMERONReally, Mitchell? Can’t you go without it for just one night?

MITCHELLNo, Charlie said he might call to discuss those contracts... ah. There it is.

Mitchell picks up his phone from the coffee table and sees the text from Trevor.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)Oh. And, um, there he is. Look, I don’t want to hold you up. Why don’t you and Lily go on ahead and I’ll meet you there?

Cameron looks horrified.

INT. TREVOR’S GYM - LATER

Mitchell enters as Trevor is finishing a bench pressing set.

MITCHELLHey. You wanted to see me?

TREVORYeah. Just give me a sec.

Trevor finishes his set, pulls his shirt off and wipes his face with it. He notices Mitchell looking and grins.

TREVOR (CONT’D)See anything you like?

23.

MITCHELLYes. No. What is this about? Is it about Cameron? Because I know he can be a bit difficult at times, but ---

TREVORMitchell, what are you doing with him?

MITCHELLExcuse me?

TREVORI know you've always had self-esteem issues. But seriously... that loser? You really think you can’t do any better than him?

MITCHELLCameron is not a loser.

TREVORFine. Have it your way. But isn't this a little more appealing?

Trevor moves in close to Mitchell and flexes impressively. Mitchell tries not to look.

TREVOR (CONT’D)Admit it. You sent Cameron here because you’re dying to ride the Trevor train again. Well, I’ve got good news. I'm inclined to let you.

Trevor moves in for a kiss.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - FOYER - LATER

The door bell rings. While the rest of the family is settled in the living room, Jay moves to answer the door. Luke is still clinging fiercely to his leg. He opens the door to reveal Cameron and Lily. Cameron is still wearing the ill-fitting shirt. His lip is trembling.

JAYAnd of course, no family gathering would be complete without an appearance by Baby Huey.

CAMERONOh, Jay. How I’m going to miss that sardonic wit.

24.

Cameron enters and faces the family. He is very distraught.

CAMERON (CONT’D)Hello everyone. I just came to drop off Lily. I don’t want to make a scene. I’m no good at goodbyes.

JAYWhat the hell are you talking about? You just got here.

CAMERONPlease Jay. I need to get through this. I’ve been rehearsing the whole way over here.

Cameron takes a deep, quavering breath.

CAMERON (CONT’D (CONT’D)I just wanted to tell you all how much I’ve loved being a part of your family. I will carry the memory of each and every one of you in my heart until the day I die. But alas, the time has come for us to bid adieu.

The family gathers around him, expressing concern and confusion. Cameron waves them off, heads for the door, then dramatically whirls back to face them, losing the last of his composure.

CAMERON (CONT’D)(wailing)

Mitchell’s leaving me for another man!

The family gathers around Cameron to comfort him.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER

Jay, Claire and Phil talk quietly.

CLAIREGod, can you believe this?

JAYActually I can. I gave up being surprised by you kids the day you hit puberty.

CLAIREI just feel so awful for Cameron.

25.

Jay scrutinizes her.

JAYYeah. I get that. It’s written all over your face.

PHILI for one am deeply disappointed in Mitchell. I mean, we all have to deal with temptations from time to time. The key is to not give in to them.

CLAIREReally? And just what temptations are you not giving in to?

PHILAre you mad? Cause you sound mad, but your face says happy.

CLAIREWhat do you think?

PHILI’m gonna go with... mad?

CLAIREGood answer.

The doorbell rings. Jay starts to move, but is impeded somehow.

JAY(to Claire)

You mind?

CLAIRENo. I’ve got it.

As she heads out to answer the door, Luke is revealed to be still clutching Jay’s leg.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Claire walks to the front door, passing Gloria who is comforting Cameron on the sofa. She opens the door and Mitchell enters. Upon seeing him, Cameron leaps to his feet.

CAMERON(hysterical)

No! I can’t do this now! I’m just not ready!

26.

He runs off to a bedroom, with Gloria following. Before she exits, Gloria throws Mitchell an angry look.

GLORIAMitchell, how could you? You he-whore.

She hurries after Cameron.

MITCHELLWhat? What does Hee Haw have to do with anything?

He looks at Claire, notices her face.

CLAIREDon’t give me that look. I agree with her.

MITCHELLI’m giving you a look? Wow. And here I was thinking this night couldn’t get any weirder.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER

Mitchell pours himself and Claire a glass of wine. Claire is sitting in profile.

MITCHELLI can’t believe he thinks I would leave him for Trevor.

CLAIREI know. But you can pretty insensitive sometimes, Mitchell.

MITCHELLWhat are you talking about?

CLAIREUh, hello? Notice anything different about my face?

MITCHELLThat’s not insensitivity. That’s tactfully avoiding the subject.

CLAIREWhy does everybody think it’s so awful?

27.

MITCHELLYou’ve really never seen Tim Burton’s Batman?

CLAIRECome on. It’s not that bad.

MITCHELLIt’s close. And that redness certainly isn’t helping. Is it supposed to do that?

CLAIREWhat redness?

Mitchell walks her over to a mirror, where her full face is visible. One half of it is covered in a blotchy, angry rash. Claire screams.

Luke runs through the kitchen in a panic.

LUKE(yelling)

Grandpa!

Mitchell looks questioningly at Claire. She shrugs.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Mitchell knocks softly and peeks around the door.

MITCHELLHey. Gloria, would you mind leaving us alone for a minute?

GLORIASi. But just so you know, Mitchell, I have several Colombian hit men on my speed dial, eh?

MITCHELLOf course you do.

Gloria exits. Mitchell sits on the bed next to Cameron, who refuses to look at him.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)Cam, honey, I am so sorry I lied to you. But I swear it’s not what you think.

CAMERONReally? Is that what you told Trevor too?

28.

MITCHELLNo. You are not Trevor. And I thank God every day for that.

CAMERONYou do?

MITCHELLOf course I do. Because I was never in love with Trevor. The only good thing that came out of that relationship is that I learned what I really wanted in a partner. Things that Trevor would never be. Things that I instantly recognized in you when we met a few months later.

CAMERONYou mean that?

MITCHELLWith all my heart. You want the truth? Fine. Yes, Trevor asked me to meet him tonight ... because ... he wanted to tell me that he’s developed deep feelings for you.

CAMERONOh my God. How did I miss that? That explains so much.

MITCHELLIt does?

CAMERONOf course. Oh, it all makes sense now. He was totally hitting on me.

MITCHELLUm...right. And he wanted me to ask you to find another trainer, because he just didn’t think he could trust himself to be around you again.

CAMERONNaturally. Oh, the poor dear. You know, I never meant to hurt him.

MITCHELLI know.

29.

CAMERONAnd you? Do you forgive me for being the snoopy, distrusting fish wife?

MITCHELLWhat can I say? I love you for who you are, warts and all.

They hug. While still embraced:

MITCHELL (CONT’D)So Trevor was hitting on you?

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - FOYER - LATER

The entire family is gathered by the front door. Gloria is holding Lily. Claire has a towel over her head.

MITCHELL(to Gloria)Thanks for watching Lily for us. We have a certain errand to run on the way home. Something we’ve put off for too long.

JAYThat’s probably too much information.

MITCHELLRight.

GLORIAIt’s our pleasure. I am just so happy you two worked things out.

She kisses both Mitchell and Cameron on their cheeks, then elbows Jay.

GLORIA (CONT’D)Jay? Aren’t you happy they worked things out?

JAYAw geez. Yeah. All right.

He gives Cameron an awkward hug.

CAMERONOoh, Jay. Those pecs are really shaping up nicely. No moobs at all.

Jay abruptly breaks the embrace.

30.

JAYAnd moment’s over.

Jay turns to Claire, peeks under the towel.

JAY (CONT’D)You okay in there, Elephant Girl?

Claire nods.

PHILShe’ll be fine. We just need to swing by the store and pick up some Bendryl on the way home.

Claire peels back the towel.

CLAIREOh, while you’re in there, could you pick up another bottle of that nice Chianti we had? I’ve had a craving for it lately.

Luke jumps back onto Jay’s leg, whimpering.

EXT. TATTOO & PIERCING PARLOR - NIGHT

Mitchell and Cameron are standing outside.

JAY (V.O.)I guess when it comes right down to it, our self image largely comes from the reflection of ourselves we get from our loved ones. Gloria gets this expression sometimes, when she thinks I’m not looking. She lowers her head, cocks it to one side, and gets this lopsided smile.

As Jay describes the look, Mitchell gives it to Cameron. They link arms and enter the tattoo shop.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - MASTER BATHROOM - NIGHT

Phil gently finishes removing the tape from a very red, blotchy faced Claire. She is giving the Phil the look that Jay described.

JAY (V.O.)When you see that look, you know that what she’s looking at fills her with pride, and joy, and love.

31.

Phil takes Claire’s face in his hands, and slowly leans in to give her a kiss on the forehead.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Luke is walking past the master bedroom. At the end of the hallway Alex can be seen in her room, lying on her bed, reading. When Claire’s scream is heard, Luke panics and bolts for his bedroom. Alex looks up at the camera and grins.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Jay and Manny have the makings of a heart attack feast spread out on the counter. Unseen by them, Gloria enters in the background. Jay and Manny look at the food, then exchange a guilty look and put it back in the refrigerator. They pull out the makings of a salad instead and set to work making it.

JAY (V.O.)So the one thing I would change about my wife’s appearance? I’d like to see that look a lot more often.

In the background Gloria watches Manny and Jay and gets “the look”.

JAY (V.O.) (CONT’D)Like all day. Every day.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

32.

TAG

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mitchell and Cameron sit on the sofa, watching television. Lily is on Mitchell’s lap. Trevor’s commercial comes on. Mitchell and Cameron exchange a grimace. Cameron reaches for the remote on the coffee table, and as he does so a loud ripping sound is heard. He straightens up immediately.

CAMERONNot. One. Word.

He aims the remote and clicks to change the channel.

END OF SHOW

33.