INFECTION

Written by

Charley Todd

Based on Archer

210 E 68 St 10D, New York, New York 10065239-233-2540

ARCHER

INFECTION

CAST LIST

Sterling Archer..............................H. John Benjamin

Lana Kane....................................Aisha Tyler

Malory Archer................................Jessica Walter

Cyril Figgis.................................Chris Parnell

Cheryl Tunt..................................Judy Greer

Pam Poovey...................................Amber Nash

Doctor Krieger...............................Lucky Yates

Ray Gillete..................................Adam Reed

Woodhouse....................................George Coe

Brett Buckley................................Neal Holman

COLD OPEN

EXT/ESTAB. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - DAY

INT. MALORY’S OFFICE

Cyril is bringing new accessories into Malory’s office. Archer is having a cocktail and inspecting his mother’s new purchases.

CYRILThat’s the last of it. I’m still uneasy about these expenses. They seem a bit self-indulgent and dare I say, unnecessary for a spy agency.

MALORYOh calm down Cyril, you’re an accountant, just write it all off as corporate re-investment.

CYRILUmm, considering some of your purchases...

Archer puts on a diamond Encrusted helmet.

ARCHERWhat’s this thing do? I hope it’s one of those massage helmets.

CYRILI’m not sure re-investment would be the correct label…

ARCHERHa-ha, it’s a massage helmet! (Points to other accessory). Is that a Foot Tanner?

MALORYMade of pure rhodium, yes.

ARCHERIt’s like Sky Mall for the absurdly rich! (places feet into tanner) Ahhhh, best ISIS re-investment plan ever.

2.

MALORYSterling, those items are for ISIS Executives only. And since I’m the only executive...

CYRILOk, see, that’s what makes this re-investment label seem a little unethical.

ARCHERYou’re lecturing on ethics? That’s like the pot calling the kettle (distracted by helmet and tanner)...uhh... the thing it calls it.

PAM(from the other room)

BURN

CYRIL(To Malory, an attempt at being discreet)

That (air quotes) “Government Contract” for that (air quotes) “top secret research experiment” still hasn’t made payment. It might be prudent to (air quotes)‘re-invest’...

ARCHEROh My God Cyril. Enough with the Air Quotes. We get it.

CYRILI just think ISIS funds could be better spent on a new security system that isn’t… (raises hands to do air quotes)

Archer Stares menacingly at Cyril with gun in his hand.

ARCHERCyril…

Cyril drops his hands.

CYRIL...touch-tone.

3.

MALORYNot to worry, the Department of Defense has finished installing their most innovative security system yet as a bonus for winning their contract.

ARCHERFinally! ISIS is moving out of the dark ages. Seriously, it’s been embarrassing. What did we get? Lasers? Automated Gunfire? Tell me we got gunfire.

MALORY(Proudly)

Better. Voice activation.

Archer spits out his drink.

ARCHERSeriously Mother? That’s it? That’s like, the one perennial piece of technology that never works. While we’re at it maybe we should just install a clap-on security system.

PAM(From other room)

BURN

MALORYOh it works. Computer, put ISIS on lockdown for the weekend, starting at 5 P.M.

COMPUTER Affirmative. Please confirm the security passcode.

MALORY Dammit, isn’t this thing supposed to just recognize my voice?

COMPUTER Invalid passcode, you have 2 more attempts.

CYRIL Uh oh...

4.

MALORY (shouting to her in the other room) Cheryl! What’s the security passcode?

COMPUTER Invalid passcode, you have 1 more attempt.

CHERYL I don’t know, that’s not my job! You don’t tell me those things! (To Herself) Maybe if you did, then you wouldn’t be a slave to some dumb computer.

PAM(Quieter)Burnnnnnn

MALORY (Yelling)I watched you write it down! You may be the worst secretary…

COMPUTER Invalid Passcode. You are now locked out of security control. You may attempt access again in 12 hours.

Archer claps twice.

Power goes out, emergency lights kick in. Bars go down on the doors and windows.

CHERYL (noticing the sticky note on her computer that reads SECURITY PASSCODE) Oh, would you look at that. (shouting) It’s Duchess!

(beat)

ARCHER (to Malory) So... Half Day?

END OF COLD OPEN

5.

ACT ONE

INT. ISIS HQ, KRIEGER’S LAB – DAY – Emergency lights are still on as well as bars on doors and windows.

Krieger, Ray, Cyril, and Malory are briefing Archer on an emergency mission. There is a hologram of Dr. Krieger’s missing clone displayed from Krieger’s watch and it resembles a zombie-like version of Krieger.

RAYDammit Archer! Pull yourself together! Lana is out sick so you’re all we have here.

ARCHERAre you looking at that thing! I think I’m gonna be sick too...

KRIEGERFor the last time, he doesn’t have a contagious virus, he didn’t come back from the dead, and he’s not a Zombie!

ARCHERFine, infected or whatever. It doesn’t matter what you label them, it only matters what they do! Which is eat flesh. Relentlessly. (shudders)

KRIEGERNo! He’s a clone. Of me. He went missing from the lab earlier today and with security off-line I’m having trouble tracking him.

ARCHERFirst. Why would anyone ever clone you!?

KRIEGERWell…

ARCHERSecond, a walking corpse capable of ending humanity’s entire existence escapes your lab and you don’t even think to tell someone?!

6.

(MORE)

Oh my God, we are living out Romero’s nightmare.

KRIEGERWhat?!

ARCHERAnd this is just the prologue…

MALORY(Interrupting) Sterling shut up! We need that clone to fulfill the largest contract ISIS has had in years. I don’t think I need to re-state our fragile financial circumstances?

Cyril walks in carrying stack of financial reports and a flashlight in his mouth.

CYRILActually, maybe we should.

MALORYWhat?

CYRIL I’ve been crunching some numbers and we might want to return some of the more extravagant purchases you’ve, err, ISIS has recently made.

MALORYCyril, what are you doing here?

CYRILUmm, you got locked out of security control, thereby locking the entire staff in. Remember? This all happened like, 5 minutes ago.

MALORYMy God, does your whining have a point?

CYRILWe still haven’t received payment from the department of defense, and seeing that our part of the deal is missing…

7.

ARCHER (CONT'D)

ARCHERAnd is a fucking ZOMBIE! (points to image of clone) Seriously, how are you guys not seeing this?

MALORYQuiet! The government has asked us for a clone to clone demonstration and that’s what they’re going to get. Especially since they think it’s already done.

RAYWell who the hell told them that?

FLASHBACK- INT. MALORY’S OFFICE.

Malory is video conferencing with a representative from the department of defense.

SEARGENT MAJOR THOMPSONODIN has guaranteed delivery months ahead of your… (looks at report in front of him) Dr. Krieger’s estimations.

MALORYListen Major Tom…

SEARGENT MAJOR THOMPSONIt’s Seargent Major Thompson. Please don’t call me Major Tom.

MALORYWell I don’t know what lies ODIN has been feeding you, but ISIS can more than guarantee a quality product and delivery by the end of the week.

SEARGENT MAJOR THOMPSONReally? That seems…

MALORYImpressive?

SEARGENT MAJOR THOMPSONImpossible.

MALORYCheck your ignition Major Tom, Impossible is what ISIS does best.

8.

SEARGENT MAJOR THOMPSONPlease don’t call me that.

CUT BACK TO PRESENT-

RAYSo, let me get this straight. Our bonuses you promised us rely on an unpaid contract for an unfinished clone that’s escaped its lab.

ARCHERWait. Bonuses? I didn’t hear anything about a bonus…

MALORYMaybe you should all be a little less concerned with money and a little more concerned with our mission!

KRIEGERYeah! And you know, the sooner the better because little krieglette isn’t the strongest of my creations.

ARCHERNo shit Sherlock, there’s no such thing as a strong zombie! That’s why they’re so deadly. They kill you with their subtlety. And their endless amount of endurance. They just keep walking. Relentlessly. (shudders)

MALORYWill you shut up and get Lana! She should be here by now.

RAYAgain, courtesy of your new security system, no one can get in or out. And again, Lana took a sick day.

ARCHERSick or infected?

(Groans from the room)

9.

ARCHER (CONT’D)What? That is a pivotal question from here on out people, especially if you want to make it to the epilogue.

MALORYWhen I was a spy, there was no such thing as sick days! Damm that Pam, letting agents do as they please. How does she still even work here?

ARCHERShe still works here? What does she do other than gossip and eat donuts?

RAYHuman Resources and she can hear you.

PAM(Appears in the room, was there all along, eating donut)Burn.

MALORYObviously, our money train is still somewhere in the building. We need to focus on finding it immediately...

ARCHEROk fine, I’ll take care of it, but first thing’s first: how many body parts can it be brought back as?

KRIEGER, MALORY, CYRIL, RAY, PAM One!

ARCHER Let’s be reasonable people. We’re talking at least two pieces, because at minimum, I’m going to have to detach the head.

MALORYYou’ll do no such thing Sterling! So help me if you don’t bring back this ungodly freakish creation...

KRIEGER Hey...

10.

MALORY If you don’t bring it back in one piece, BREATHING, your expense account will be suspended until I’ve made back every penny that’s gone into this...

KRIEGER Be nice...

MALORY Abomination.

KRIEGER (weakly) ohhh

Brett walks in with two other random ISIS employees.

BRETTWe’ve done a full sweep of the ISIS Interior, Dr. Krieger’s clone, how do I say this?

ARCHERDammit Brett, you just say it!

BRETTIt’s not in the building.

Collective surprise from the crowd.

CYRILHow is that even possible?

FLASHBACK- EARLIER THAT DAY, CHERYL IS IN MALORY’S OFFICE WITH PAM.

CHERYLIt’s called Voice activation. Basically you tell it what to do, and it does it.

PAMYeah, I got that.

CHERYLComputer, MAKE ME COFEE!

PAM.I don’t think it works like that

CHERYLI thought you understood it Pam

11.

COMPUTERLaboratory Access Granted

CHERYL(Unimpressed) That’s not what I asked you for, stupid computer.

CUT TO LAB DOORS OPENING.

Krieger’s copy meanders out of the room, making indecipherable noises.

CUT BACK TO PRESENT CONVERSATION

ARCHERWell. Seeing as the apocalypse is out there and we’re stuck in here I guess I’ll just have to sit this one out.

Archer puts on the massage helmet. Everyone stares at him incredulously.

ARCHER (CONT’D)Ha-ha, man if you’re gonna experience the Armageddon, this is the only way to do it.

RAYYou are, and please take this personally, a worthless human being.

INT. LANA KANE’S HOME. SHE IS LYING IN BED ILL.

SFX. PHONE RINGS. HITS VOICEMAIL

VOICEMAIL (In Lana’s Voice)Hey, voicemail, leave a message. If it’s an emergency, I’m probably already there.

ARCHERLana, hey, so how you feeling?

RAYGive me the phone Jackass…

12.

ARCHER Cool it Ray. So Lana, there’s this emergency, potentially global, and, oddly enough, you’re not here. Any other time I’d just take care of the mission myself, you know, being ISIS’ Top Agent, but mother went and screwed up the security system so we’re kind of all umm, locked in tight here. You know classic mother, always...

VOICEMAILYou have 5 seconds left to record your message.

ARCHERDammit, these things never give you enough time to say anyth..

Call Ends

SFX. PHONE RINGS. HITS VOICEMAIL

VOICEMAILHey, Voicemail, leave a message. If it’s an emergency, I’m probably already there.

RAYHey baby, I know you’re not feeling well, but we have a little bit of a situation.

ARCHERYeah, that situation? It’s called a zombie. And you’re still not here, so seriously, time to change your recording.

RAYDammit, give me that. Lana, that creepy little clone of Krieger is walking around town and if we don’t get him back that government contract goes bye-bye. Which I’m sure you’ll remember is the key to us all getting our..

VOICEMAILYou have 5 seconds left to record your message

13.

RAYFive seconds? Why don’t these damn things ever give you long enough to...

Call Ends.

SFX. PHONE RINGS. HITS VOICEMAIL

VOICEMAILHey, voicemail, leave a message. If it’s an emergency, I’m probably already there.

RAYYeah honey, it’s time to change that recording, you come off a little bitchy. Also, main point here, if you don’t get your fine ass out of bed and find Krieger’s clone, then we don’t get our bonuses.

Lana suddenly sits up in bed

LANA(sickly)

Shit

ARCHERBonuses? Will someone please tell me who’s getting a bonus? Is Lana getting a...

Lana hangs up the phone. Sneezes.

LANAShit

INT. INTELLIGENCE ROOM - DAY. RAY AND KRIEGER ARE PROVIDING INTEL REGARDING THE RESCUE MISSION FOR LANA OVER THE PHONE. LANA IS OUTSIDE ISIS LOOKING FOR A TRAIL TO FOLLOW.

RAYOk, let’s go over the facts. We have a very expensive research experiment that is wandering the streets of New York. Is he dangerous to others?

KRIEGER No. Well. Maybe?

14.

RAY Dammit Krieger, which is it?

ARCHER Jesus Ray, (completely serious) it’s obviously infected. Have you listened to anything Krieger’s said?

RAYHave you?

LANA For the love of God, everyone shut up. I’m dealing with serious flu symptoms here...

ARCHERSpecifically what kind of symptoms? You feeling any unnatural urges? Maybe an appetite for something raw?

LANAKrieger, I need more information.

KRIEGER He wasn’t ready to be released yet, his brain activity is severely limited.

ARCHERLike a zombie.

KRIEGERAnd his blood’s ph levels are too acidic for him to survive on his own.

ARCHERWait, it’ll die on it’s own? That’s fantastic! Let’s drink to the night of the living bob-omb (pulls out flask). (Letting out huge breath of relief) Way to go Krieger, seriously, I really didn’t want this to be how it ended. (as a cheer) Apocalypse averted everyone!

15.

EXT. LANA FINDS AN ACID TRAIL OF THE CLONE, FOLLOWS.

LANA Archer, If it dies, our new defense contract dies with it and then ISIS goes right back to being the ‘budget rent-a-spy’ agency. And I for one, am not ready to say goodbye to my bonus.

ARCHER I knew it! You’re getting a bonus too!? This is unbelievable.

RAY (Archer is on a rant in the background)

Listen honey, sedate and drag that weird-ass clone back if you have to. We need it here ASAP.(beat) Because I am definitely not returning my new yacht.

ARCHERYacht? Where did you get money for a yacht. Oh. Son of a…

LANA Krieger, I found a trail. It seems to be losing a lot of umm…whatever this stuff is. How much time do we have to get it back in one piece?

KRIEGER Umm. Somewhere between hours and…minutes?

CAMERA SHOT OF THE TRAIL LEADING TO A CONVENTION CENTER

CUT TO INT. ANNUAL NEW YORK COMIC FESTIVAL- DAY

Camera pans over a convention center with people dressed as zombies. Random attendees are arm-in-arm with Krieger’s clone taking pictures.

ATTENDEE #1(Wearing “I <3 Brains Shirt”) Dude, this guy’s makeup is insane.

Krieger’s clone’s arm falls off, dripping acid.

16.

KRIEGER CLONE(Indecipherable noises)

ACT TWO

INT. ISIS HQ, CYRIL’S OFFICE.

Archer and Cyril are playing battleship as ISIS is still in lock-down. The camera does not reveal this yet.

CLOSE UP SHOT ON ARCHER’S INTENSE FACE

ARCHERYes or No Cyril? Answer me!

CLOSE UP ON CYRIL’S STRESSED FACE.

CYRILUhh...

BACK TO ARCHER

ARCHERWas it a hit or not? This isn’t a game cyril!

VIEW OF BOTH NOW INCLUDING THE BOARD GAME.

CYRILFine! You sunk my battleship. Which, clearly, is a game.

ARCHERA game you should really stay away from. Seriously, what are you good at?

CYRILOk I think I’m done here

ARCHERRNo, no, no. We got Yahtzee, Monopoly, and most-unfortunately for you, the game of life.

CYRILI’m not playing any more games, I just want to get out of here.

17.

ARCHER What? Where to? The apocalypse?

CYRILIt’s one clone!

ARCHERFamous last words. Try enjoying the little things, like alcohol and board games.

CYRILI had tickets to a comic festival thank you very much.

ARCHERCyril, seriously do yourself a favor and listen to the stuff you say. It’s just embarassing. Pamarooskie, step right up.

PAMLet’s Yahtzee this shit.

EXT. ZOMBIE FESTIVAL. LANA IS AT THE ENTRANCE TO GET INTO THE EVENT. THERE IS A SIGN ON A POST THAT READS “PLEASE BREAK CHARACTER WHILE PRESENTING TICKETS, PRESENT VALID ID”

LADY TAKING TICKETSAre you a performer, presenter, or dressed in cosplay?

LANAWhat? Listen, I need to get inside immediately, there is a classified experiment, potentially dangerous, walking around your event.

Ticket Lady pokes at aforementioned sign

TICKET LADYAre you a performer, presenter or dressed..

LANAListen hag, (in hushed voice) I am an ISIS secret agent and I’m not feeling so well, so I suggest you let me in now or so help me (puts hand on tranquilizer gun)...

18.

TICKET LADYYeah yeah yeah, there’s about 2,000 other dangerous experiments walking around, and guess what? They got guns too (Camera pan to other people in line with fake guns). 20 bucks or you’ll have to play secret agent somewhere else.

Little fat kid fake-shoots Lana.

KIDPew Pew Pew

Lana clinches fist, lets out frustrating noise, gives 20 bucks.

INT. ZOMBIE FESTIVAL.

Lana is following the clone’s blood trail. She walks by booths with models showcasing comics and other materials. She is on the phone with Ray as she walks by hundreds dozens of people dressed as zombies.

LANANo sign yet of the clone. We’re actually really lucky Archer isn’t here. He would lose his shit.

RAYHe’s keeping busy with board games and booze, you just find that thing and get it back.

LANAI’m on it

Creepy big dude grabs Lana for a picture, mistaking her for a booth babe.

CREEPY GUYYou are one hell of a booth babe, you a zombie hunter?

LANAYou have 2 seconds to get your hands off of me before I show you...dammit, sneeze coming...false alarm...

CREEPY GUYOh, so more like an infected zombie hunter? Classic.

19.

LANALast warning bub, (blows nose) this is not going to end well for you.

CREEPY GUYPerfect, but this time say that while looking into the camera and try not to blow your nose. (looks to his friend)Gary! Focus on her breasts Gary.

CAMERA SHOT IS THROUGH THE VIDEO LENS OF GARY’S CAMCORDER.

Lana grabs the creepy guy’s arm and flips him to the ground-

CREEPY GUY (CONT’D)Aghhh, Gary! Focus on the hands, they’re massive! (Groaning in pain) So... Hot.

LANAOk Gary, the smart move here would be to give me the camera. Your move.

Lana walks towards camera, punches Gary, camera falls to the ground, we fall with it. More violent noises from Lana beating up the guys ends the scene.

INT. ISIS. INTEL ROOM WITH THE MULTIPLE MONITORS.

HOBBIT ENTHUSIAST COMPUTER GUYThe security System is still on the timer, we simply cannot do anything until it ends.

MALORYAnd that will be?

HOBBIT ENTHUSIAST COMPUTER GUY10 hours, 32 minutes, and six seconds.

RAYYeah that’s not going to work. There has to be another way out.

Archer enters, appears drunk, and with Cheryl under arm.

ARCHERYAHTZEE!

20.

MALORY My God Sterling, how much have you had to drink?

ARCHERObviously enough to be captivated by Carol. Who, by the way, has ridiculously good fortune with games.

CHERYLAww thanks, I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

MALORYWell we may just need a piece of that fortune if Lana can’t track down that clone.

RAYAre you talking about her luck or her inheritance?

MALORYOne and the same.

ARCHERSo, I take it Lana hasn’t stopped Armageddon then? We should really start boarding up this place, you know, zombie proof the hell out of it.

RAYHey Dumbass, have you taken a look around? This is about the closest thing to Zombie-proof you can get.

CHERYLYeah except for flying zombies.

ARCHERBURN! Actually wait, yeah. We should block off the aerial entrance.

MALORYWhat are you talking about Sterling?

21.

ARCHER Nothing. Nope. I’m drunk and I have to go do something completely unrelated to our current conversation.

RAYThere’s an exit that’s still available?

CHERYLHow do you guys not know about Mr. Archer’s 14th floor window escape?

ARCHERBecause it’s confidential Carol! Great, just great, do you know how much work has gone into keeping that a secret!

MALORY So that’s how you’ve been skipping out of your performance reviews? And you wonder why you’re not getting a bonus.

ARCHEROh really, because I thought that was more about you getting off on being withholding!

MALORYThat’s absurd, when have I ever been withholding?

FLASHBACK INT. MALORY’S HOME OVER 30 YEARS AGO.

Woodhouse is about to give baby sterling a bottle of milk as a drunk Malory cruelly stops him in the name of building independence.

MALORY (CONT’D)(drunk)

Drop it Woodhouse. Who do you think we are? The Red-Cross? Handouts create hoodlums. If he wants milk, he can just go and get some himself.

BABY ARCHER(Crying)

22.

CUT BACK TO PRESENT SCENE

RAYReally? I mean even for you…

ARCHERRight? It’s like you should just give me your bonus to help with all the emotional damage.

RAYAre you serious? What the hell is wrong with you people?!

CHERYLWhat do you mean, ‘you people’?

MALORYEveryone just shut up and listen! Sterling, you’re going to take us to your secret exit...

ARCHERWhat?!

MALORYAnd then you’re going to find Lana and that little clone freak...

ARCHERNot happening.

MALORYAnd we’re all going to get paid and go home, and that’s that.

ARCHERYou want to send your son out there into that chaos? Are you crazy?

RAYYou are such a little bitch sometimes. C’mon let’s get you geared up for the apocalypse

ARCHERI’m not going out there without a fucking tank.

INT- ISIS AMMUNITION ROOM - DAY

Ray and Krieger are gearing up Archer for his mission.

23.

ARCHER Definitely no tank down here and... where the hell is all the real ammunition?! These are just tranquilizers.

RAYThe mission is to sedate Krieger’s clone and bring it back here ASAP. You can’t risk doing any real damage to it.

ARCHER How do we even know the drugs in these darts will work on this thing?

KRIEGER It’s almost completely human and therefore should have an almost completely human response to sedatives.

ARCHER Famous last words. (sees a machine gun) Holy shit, there are machine guns for tranqs?!

RAY You don’t need that. You’re only neutralizing one target.

ARCHER Unless it’s already infected someone, or some hundreds... Seriously, guys, we are potentially in way over our head here. (Puts on clear protective eyewear).

BRETT (from the hallway) Woah, Bill Nye, what’s with the shades?

Archer shoots Brett with real gun, hits him in arm, blood splashes on Archer’s Face.

ARCHERKeeps the blood out of my eyes Brett, i.e. keeping me human and not infected. Does no one understand how any of this works?

RAYWhat the fuck Archer!?

24.

BRETT (In Pain, groaning).

ARCHER OK, in my defense, I thought I was shooting him with a tranquilizer. That can’t be the first time that’s ever happened. The important thing is that the protective eye-wear works.

BRETTGod-dammit Archer!

ARCHER Stop being such a baby Brett, I just winged you. Plus, workers’ comp, so...You’re welcome.

ACT THREE

INT. ISIS 14TH FLOOR, ARCHER IS PREPARING TO JUMP OUT HIS WALL EXIT WITH A PARACHUTE AND A LARGE BAG OF GEAR. HE’S WEARING HIS BLACK TURTLENECK.

ARCHERSo I’m definitely having second thoughts about this.

MALORYOh don’t be such a baby.

PAMIs this zip-line just always up and available?

ARCHERDon’t question the merit of my secret window exit Pam. It’s been awesome and confidential for years until Carol here...

CHERYLDON’T YELL AT ME.

ARCHERFine! But listen, and this is seriously important. If next time you see me, I’m not as you remember, You know, not as handsome or naturally athletic, I’ve probably been infected.

25.

CYRILReally?

ARCHERJust kill me. I would much rather be dead than alive and eating Pam.

RAYPhrasing.

ARCHERWhat? Oh, cmon Ray, just, wow. That’s disgusting.

PAMHey, I bet I’m delicious!

CYRIL, ARCHER, RAYUghhh

PAMHey!

MALORYQuit stalling Sterling!

ARCHERSorry, my bad, it’s only my life mother! You know what, I want a bonus.

MALORYNo.

ARCHERBonus

MALORYNo

ARCHERBONUS!!!

MALORYFine! But you have to bring that clone back alive and completely unscathed.

ARCHERThats...unlikely

26.

MALORYLana reported following it’s tracks to some Geek Festival a few blocks from here.

ARCHERNo one told me there was a Greek Festival going on, maybe among all the fire and blood there’s still some…

Malory kicks archer out the exit. He is zip-lining towards the street.

ARCHER (CONT’D)...Gyros.

Archer uses high-tech goggles to find the track leading to the zombie festival as he is zip-lining.

ARCHER (CONT’D)A Convention Center. One large enclosed space with thousands of people. Classic Romero.

EXT. CONVENTION CENTER FOR ZOMBIE FESTIVAL.

Archer walks up to the entrance. Little kid from before turns around and raises fake gun at Archer.

ARCHERWoah, hey little man, lower your weapon. I haven’t been bitten.

Little kid cocks the gun, raises it higher. Archer pulls out his tranquilizer gun.

ARCHER (CONT’D)Listen kid, we’re on the same side here. We can’t afford to start killing our own.

LITTLE KIDPew Pew Pew

Archer shoots the kid in the chest with the tranquilizer dart, kid falls to the ground, crowd reacts, circles in on Archer.

ARCHERWoah Woah, hey now, let’s keep this all in perspective... he shot first.

27.

(MORE)

Plus it was only a tranquilizer, which, now that I think about it...

Archer sedates the rest of the crowd outside and moves towards the entrance with the ticket lady

TICKET LADYAre you a performer…

ARCHERHAVE YOU BEEN BITTEN?!

TICKET LADYAre you a…

ARCHERDammit woman!

Archer shoots the Ticket Lady, she falls to the ground. Archer leans over the body

ARCHER (CONT’D)Oh, hey, also... do you know where I can find some Gyros?

Ticket Lady twitches.

ARCHER (CONT’D)No? Fine, be that way!

A random attendee falls in front of a booth with models after being shot by Archer. Archer approaches.

ARCHER (CONT’D)Oh hello ladies. You don’t look Greek or like zombies. Twins?

MODEL #1(Dutch)Waarom heb je hem neerschieten? (Why did you shoot him?)

MODEL #2Was he bad guy?

The models reveal fake vampire teeth in their talking.

ARCHERLess bad and more of in my way. I really underestimated these tranquilizers. Nice canines.

MODEL #2Thank you

28.

ARCHER (CONT'D)

ARCHERListen, There’s a good chance that after this zombie outbreak, the surviving humans will need to re-populate the planet so...

LANAArcher?

Archer raises his gun Lana.

ARCHERHave you been bitten!?

Lana raises her gun at Archer.

LANAWhat? No Archer, I have not been bitten.

ARCHERAre you sure? Because you look terrible.

LANAI have the flu jackass.

Archer lowers his gun.

ARCHERYeah, I’m starting to think my zombie theory might be a bit premature.

Lana lowers her gun.

LANAYou think? Not that they’re any better here, I’ve been pushed, prodded, groped...

ARCHERWho’s they? The Greeks?

LANAOh, you know what? You probably shouldn’t go any further...

ARCHERAre there Gyro’s?

Archer walks into the main convention hall and sees the hundreds of people dressed like zombies.

29.

ARCHER (CONT’D)Dear God. This is the climax of the story. I don’t think I brought enough weapons...

LANAArcher, stay focused. Krieger’s clone is in there somewhere, there’s just a lot of...

ARCHERZOMBIES?! Yeah I can clearly see that now that your bullshit is gone.

Archer pulls the machine gun out of the bag.

LANAWhat the hell?

ARCHERRight? Didn’t even know they made these for tranquilizers did you? Me either.

LANAWe can’t use that Archer. Those people are innocent.

ARCHERWere innocent Lana, were.

LANAAre those grenades, you brought grenades?!

ARCHERYou didn’t?

A big fat, neck-bearded guy comes in for a picture.

NECK BEARDHey baby, can I get a picture?

Lana knocks out Neck-Beard guy with an elbow.

LANAI’m not a fucking booth babe!

ARCHER You can say that again, I mean seriously Lana, did you see those Belgian vampires?

30.

LANA (Frustration is rising) You’re not worried they might turn you into a vampire?

ARCHER First off Lana, vampires are immortal, sexy, and they can fly.

LANAOh my God, I’m gonna lose it.

ARCHERAnd secondly, (laughing to himself) Seriously Lana? Vampires? What’s next? Werewolves? Should we be worried about a full moon Lana? Should I have Van Helsing on speed dial?

LANASo, what you’re telling me is that zombies are real, but every other creature in fiction is fake? Seriously? That’s where you draw the line?

ARCHER Jesus, Lana, it’s not in-fiction, it’s an infection and it spreads like wildfire.

LANA Well, you are the master on spreading infections.

ARCHER Dammit Lana, this isn’t a joke...though, that was pretty good.

LANAThanks

ARCHERThe point being, this is really happening, it’s not Teen Wolf Lana!

LANAI’m just saying there has to be some ethical discussion about using this much force...

A dressed up zombie approaches Lana

31.

ARCHERLana! Behind you!

The zombie grabs Lana’s ass and then snorts.

LANAYeah, you know what, let’s do this shit.

Lana shoots the fake zombie. Archer sets up the machine gun.

LANA (CONT’D)You man the machine gun, I’m going in.

Archer starts firing the machine tranquilizer gun at everyone and everything. He spots someone in a bob-omb costume walking near a propane tank.

ARCHERAn actual walking bob-omb. Wow, The irony is palpable.

Archer shoots and hits the propane tank and it begins to leek gas. A zombie smoking a cigarette nearby causes an explosion. The fire causes remaining attendees to scream and run out of the convention center.

ARCHER (CONT’D)Wow, for zombies, that’s a surprising display of speed and sense of urgency.

Lana is sedating and combat fighting everyone she comes into contact with.

CAMERA SHOT FROM A SECURITY TAPE.

Archer abandons the machine gun and begins to recklessly toss smoke grenades across the convention hall. Lana finds and closes in on a badly wilting Krieger Clone. Security tape zooms in on the clone.

BACK TO REGULAR SHOT.

LANA(talking to clone) Woah...wow. I’ve got to think you’ve seen better days. Do you think you can make it back to ISIS?

Archer approaches.

32.

CLONE(Indecipherable noises)

Archer takes aim at the clone.

ARCHERFrom whence you came demon, from whence you came.

Archer puts a bullet through the head of the clone

LANAArcher! What the Fuck!?

ARCHERWoah, so that wasn’t a tranquilizer.

LANAGod-Dammit!

ARCHERAt least now we can say for sure that’s not the first time that’s ever happened.

Lana shoots Archer with multiple tranq darts.

LANADo you realize what you just did!?

ARCHER(weakly)Lana.

LANAHow much money you just lost us!? No bonus, probably docked pay...

ARCHERLana

LANANot to mention that we completely destroyed the entire convention center…

CAMERA SHOT OF THE CONVENTION CENTER HALL FULL OF SEDATED CIVILIANS AND SMALL FIRES.

ARCHERLana!

33.

LANAWhat!?

Archer is leaned up against a gyro stand, looks at the stand.

ARCHERGyros.

Archer goes unconscious.

INT. ISIS. MALORY’S OFFICE. MALORY IS VIDEO CONFERENCING WITH SERGEANT MAJOR THOMPSON.

SERGEANT MAJOR THOMPSONWe are more than pleased with the result, your payment has already been directly deposited to your account. I have to say, I had my doubts.

ARCHERGround control to Major Tom, we’re ISIS and we get doubted all the time.

SEARGEANT MAJOR THOMPSONI get it, it’s a David Bowie song. It was very popular.

ARCHERAnd you’re major Tom!

SEARGEANT MAJOR THOMPSON*sigh* Anyway, I’d like to thank Dr. Krieger and I’m sure his clone would like to say hi, is he with you?

Krieger appears behind Major Thompson pretending to be the clone of himself.

KRIEGEROh no that’s fine, I’m sure he’s busy getting highly highly compensated for the continual outrageous sacrifices he makes for ISIS.

MALORYYes, Yes, his bonus was borderline criminal, but how else do you retain the best and brightest, right Major?

34.

SEARGENT MAJOR THOMPSONHe is quite the specimen. Thank you again Malory.

ARCHERNo, thank you Ziggy, seriously, the massage helmet is just

SEARGENT MAJOR THOMPSONI’m hanging up now

ARCHERWonderful. Ahh.

END.

35.