100 clean jokes
Post on 02-Apr-2015
Embed Size (px)
Looking for a good ice breaker for your church fundraising potluck? Does your son need to bring a funny joke to his next scout meeting? Tired of hearing the same old boring tales that aren't really funny, or getting embarrassed by humor that is better shared on the golf course, or at a bar (i.e. not among mixed company). You need a one-stop "shopping list," so to speak of funny clean jokes hilarious tales that are suitable to tell around the children, but that will actually make you laugh, as well.
I've grouped some classics (and new funnies) in familiar categories for easy selection, and put together a large group of 100 side-splitting funny clean jokes. Why not bookmark this page so you've got a good diversion during the day? Try telling a few of them aloud to your eight-year old. When you overhear him relating one of these to his own friends, I guarantee you'll be laughing even harder. Enjoy!
Cluck, Cluck, Cluck!!
See all 19 photos
Yeah, Not Us! Savor the moment Are you Chicken? Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
-She wanted to lay it on the line
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
- He heard the referee calling fowls
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
-To get to the other slide!
Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
-To invent the other side
What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken And A Pit Bull?
-Just The Pit Bull
That's really funny! Ultimate 150 Cartoon Festival (DVD, 3-Disc Set) Current Bid: $3.99 Yogi's First Christmas DVD 1980 Cartoon Xmas Yogis NEW Current Bid: $22.99 2 Pack Ultimate 150 Cartoon Festival (DVD, 3-Disc Set) Current Bid: $10.00 Pink Panther Classic Cartoon Collection (DVD, 2009, ... Current Bid: $34.99 COW AND CHICKEN Season 1,2,3,4 Cartoon Network NEW DVD Current Bid: $58.00 The Beatles DVD movie, All 78 Cartoons in 39 Episodes! Current Bid: $10.99 Animal Jokes How does a farmer count a herd of cows?
-With a Cowculator
What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
-Too many cheetahs
What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Three birders walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. (ha....!!)
Birder 1: What kind of bird is that?
Birder 2: A gulp.
Birder 1: A gulp? Never heard of it.
Birder 2: It's like a swallow, only it's bigger
What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
-A Golden Receiver!
What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?
MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT: Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
(kids love this one....)
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, I am sorry, we have cherries and olives but no grapes." "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later the duck returns and asks the same bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" "Like I said before, we have cherries and olives, but WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES!" says the bartender. "Oh," says the duck and leaves. But ten minutes later the duck returns and again asks, "Do you have any grapes?" "Look, beak lips," screams the bartender. "WE HAVE NO GRAPES!, we will never have NO grapes! and if you ask me again, I am going to nail your webby little feet to the floor!!!" "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Ten minutes later, the door swings open and the duck returns. The bartender is furious. He slams a bottle of beer down on the bar, stares menacingly at the duck and screams, "WHAT???!!" "Uh...uh...do ...you ...have...any....NAILS?" "Nails? Nails? No, we don't have nails," answers the bartender. "Mmmm," says the duck. "So, do you have any grapes?"
Moses at the Bookstore Need More Jokes? Pick Up a Great Book! Comedy Comes Clean: A Hilarious Collection of Wholesome Jokes, Quotes, and One-Liners Amazon Price: $24.99
List Price: $9.95 Fabulous and Funny Clean Jokes for Kids Amazon Price: $38.37 List Price: $4.99 The Everything Kids' Joke Book: Side-Splitting, Rib-Tickling Fun (Everything Kids Series) Amazon Price: $3.96 List Price: $7.95 Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever Amazon Price: $7.53 List Price: $11.95 1,000 Knock Knock Jokes for Kids Amazon Price: $5.99
Steve Jobs as God? Religion Laughter (Rated PG) A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
Rumor has it Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a Emotional Support Group for middle aged men experiencing hair loss. Apparently they close every meeting with the benediction, "Go, and thin no more!"
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
Good King Wenceslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"
A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "What do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after."
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
-10. One to actually change the bulb, and 9 to say how much they like the old one
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
-Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
-Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30?
Once there was a guy named Joe. One day he died and found himself standing in front of the pearly gates.
St. Peter: "Joe, if you can answer one question, I'll let you into heaven." Joe: "sounds easy enough."
St. Peter: "O.K., who is with you always?" Joe: "Oh, that's easy: Andy!"
St. Peter: "Andy?" Joe: "Yeah, haven't you heard that hymn, Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me?'"
The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn
10. The pot roast.
9. What does pastor wear under robes?
8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?
7. 90 minutes till kickoff.
6. Did I turn off the curling iron?
5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.
4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?
3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?
2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?
1. How many more verses?
Classic Jokes Who's there? Knock Knock Jokes Knock knock!
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!
Max no difference to you, just let me in!
Yachts up, doc?
What are you getting so excited about?
Vera few people think these jokes are funny!
Actions speak louder than words (and signs) Computer Jokes There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
Why was the computer so tired when it got home?
-Because it had a hard drive!
Signs that you need to get away from the computer
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner dad?'
Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
This should come standard I'm probably dangerously close to getting this one... Knock Knock (Practical Joke)
The joke's on you! Humor DVDs (Rated G and PG) The Odd Couple Amazon Price: $26.40 List Price: $9.98 Animal Crackers
Amazon Price: $29.85 List Price: $14.99 Twelve Chairs Amazon Price: $6.66 List Price: $14.98 And Now for Something Completely Different Amazon Price: $3.91 List Price: $14.94 Airplane! (Don't Call Me Shirley! Edition) Amazon Price: $7.65 List Price: $12.98 Young Frankenstein Amazon Price: $6.63 List Price: $14.98 Spaceballs Amazon Price: $4.99 List Price: $14.98 The Princess Bride (20th Anniversary Edition) Amazon Price: $6.89 List Price: $14.98
Husband and Wife Humor When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car