keep your marriage or keep the street! keep your marriage or keep the street. "you can't...

Keep Your Marriage Or

Keep the Street!

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Keep your Marriage or

Keep the Street.

“you can’t have both!”

Femi Folorunsho, Author


Keep the Street!

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To

_______________________________________________________________

From

________________________________________________________________________

Date

_______________________________________________________________________


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Keep your Marriage or Keep the Street … _____________________________

you can’t have both.

______________________________

Visit Femi Folorunsho’s exciting web site at: www.femifolorunsho.com

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may

be used without written permission of the

publisher, with the exception of brief excerpts

for magazine articles, movies, radios, reviews,

etc.

This book is pre-registered at the United States

Library of Congress under

ID # [1-216936401]. United States Copyright

Office. ISBN: 978-1-4276-4206-6

Printed in the United States of America


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- NUMERO UNO –

This book is dedicated to my wife –

Kutina V. Folorunsho, the woman who came to liberate me,

while I was in the middle of a relationship mess, and life crisis!

-and-

My Sister, Deaconess Folasade Folorunsho, (Netherlands)

My spiritual adviser and a friend who’s always there to help.

-also-

Grandma Verla Williams, (Chicago)

Your kind heart and the willingness to listen are always appreciated.

To my hearts:

Jordan, Andrea, Adrian, Malik, Paris, Paresha, Kristina & Denzel Folorunsho.

You guys are the best family anyone can ever dream to have!


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Author’s Marriage Mission Statement

Our Marriage Goal is

not to be the longest Married

Husband and Wife, but rather

the happiest Couple!


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CONTENTS Pages

Monologues ……………………………………….. 7 Chapter 1 – Life in Paris …………………………. 11 Chapter 2 – Block by Block ……………………… 22 Chapter 3 – Excuses for Marriage …………........ 28 Chapter 4 – No More Representatives …………. 37 Chapter 5 – Quiet Before the Storm …………… 44 Chapter 6 – The Old Dog ……………………….. 62 Chapter 7 – Too Good to be True? Believe it! … 70 Chapter 8 – Feeling the Blues …………………... 76 Chapter 9 – The Beginning of the End …………. 82 Chapter 10 – Put on the Brakes …………………. 87 Chapter 11 – Proceed with Caution ……………... 92 Chapter 12 – Forgive & Forget …………………... 96


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Monologues

ENOUGH!, that’s what I had to tell myself at one point. I first experienced

marriage in 1991; it seems like so many years ago when I met a beautiful,

longhaired, European-looking schoolteacher in Toronto. Patrick, a friend of

mine had just relocated there from Paris. After almost a whole day on the

phone with me, he spent another couple of other days telling me about the

night-clubs and other hot spots like, Yonge & Bloor in Toronto. He was so

excited to be in Toronto with what he called the land of “Honeys.”

A few weeks after Patrick arrived in Toronto, he invited all of us to come

and visit him. I was tempted right off but I told him I would make the trip on

my next vacation.

When my vacation finally arrived, I chose to visit Andorra, a nice, small

country between France and Spain. I had just met this fine, gentle French

girl, Monique.

When I came back from vacation I had several voicemails from Patrick

still inviting me to come down to Toronto. I returned his call and I told him I


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would be there for sure next summer, telling myself I would wait until I

finished school; and that’s what I did.

The next year I headed to Toronto as planned. “Wow!” I said when I

arrived in the big city, I am not really too fond of cold weather, but hey! My

buddy was there and we were going to party like there would be no tomorrow.

When my friend met me at the airport I quickly told him I was only

there for vacation and that I was heading back in the next few weeks. “Cool,

that’s fine,” was his reply. After a few days in Toronto I realized this was not

Paris. This was a whole new world; people were different, and they gravitated

to my accent, a mix of French and broken English. Ladies told me I speak

with a sexy swagger. One lady said, “You’re different like that.” Another lady

asked, “How do you say, love me in French?”

I said, “aimez-moi.” By this point, I was feeling like a kid in a toy store.

By the end of the night I received a nickname, “Black Bond,” from a friend to

the girl I was talking to all that night. If you remember, I was on vacation,

just finished school, and was feeling like I was on top of Mt. Everest. I felt so

free, like a bird in the sky looking for somewhere to lay my nest.

The attention I was receiving was nothing new for me, because living in

Paris, which is considered one of the world’s most beautiful cities, I was used

to partying, dating and celebrating women, and nearly every weekend with

different ladies.


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For the three-years prior to my Toronto trip, my life involved having fun

and enjoying life to the fullest. I had done nothing but rock the city of Paris.

Occasionally my friends and I would go as far as Strasbourg to the east,

Toulouse to the south, or Lyon to the west, and “ChâteletLes Halles” where

Paris 1 is located.

As a young man growing up in one of the world’s most beautiful cities,

all my friends and I wanted to do every weekend was go around the city of

Paris like a professional road-runner, looking for tourists and local women

who were willing to have fun.

Sometimes we would travel from Paris to Belgium on the weekend to go

swimming and to party and of course to get laid. On Mondays when I

returned to work, people always wondered what was going on with me

because half the morning I moved around like a car that had run out of gas

and needed to be pushed or needed AAA to haul it off the road. My manager

once asked me, “What do you do every weekend? Do you party a lot on the

weekend or what?”

I said, “No, not really, I usually just go out with my male friends and,

you know, sometimes we don’t get home until late.”

He looked at me and just laughed; I turned around and asked him,

“Mark, why did you ask?”

He said, “No particular reason, I was just curious.”


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I knew he must have a reason for asking me such a “dumb question” I

thought. Anyway, I wasn’t really concerned about his question but rather was

looking forward to going home for that day in order to catch-up on my late

school assignments that were due three days earlier. You see, when I was

growing up in Paris, I was not exposed to any social lifestyle at all. I kept a

low profile because I wasn’t going to let any woman tie me down—in my

mind, I am always a step ahead of the girls. I would usually just break-up

with a girl before my feelings grew stronger. I called my strategy, the

Preemptive Breakup-101.

A few years after I left my first job in the paper distribution industry, I

joined a large chain store as the Head of Security. At the same time I also

worked in Paris’ Louvre Museum, as a part-time security officer at the front

door. My job at the museum was to greet visitors, most of whom were tourists

from other countries, give them directions and also see if they needed any

assistance getting around in the Museum.

Over my lifetime I have always felt I needed to go back and redo

something from my past, though I knew it wasn’t possible. This is why I felt

compelled to offer my fifty-cent advice about life, and in my case, chasing

women, which only led to failed marriages. Thanks to His grace, I would not

be such a happily married man today if I had not decided to let something go

and stop being selfish.


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CHAPTER 1

Life in Paris

When most people imagine Paris, France, they think of paradise, some place

super-nice to relax, shop and of course do what tourists do, have fun and not

think about their job stress or any other crazy stuff that makes you go on

vacation in the first place.

For most people, the beginning of a marriage is just like visiting Paris,

all is well and everything, if not most things in the marriage feels good. Just

like Paris, there are a few things that might appear to be a little strange but

hey! They are not a 911 complaint that might cause any alarm. Therefore,

you overlook a great deal and just correct a little. I know you’re probably

wondering why this chapter is named, “Life in Paris.” You see, I used to live

in Paris and I can attest that not every part of Paris is beautiful or safe to

visit. I once told my parents I was going with a friend to a place called,


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“Pigalle Place”, this notorious district is like visiting “Sodom and Gomorrah”

except you’re not back in time.

Most people who have visited this place will tell you that, you can buy

an overpriced bottle of champagne which will routinely come with a woman

as a supplementary. Now you know what I mean by saying the place is a

mess!

I must confess living in Paris at the time felt so good, it’s a fast paced

life with little or no responsibility and the thought of marriage at the time

seemed like exposing superman to Kryptonite. Just as Superman gets weak

when he’s exposed to Kryptonite, for me the thought of having a woman at

home or even the idea of a serious relationship would hold me back. Which

means I’d have to check-in with someone else before I go out, or even the

notion that I had to share my space with someone else other than my male

friends was anathema to me. At the time, even if the lady agreed that I go out

with my male friends this week, what about next week and the weeks after.

How many times in a week or month would she be agreeing to the same

request? Personally, I don’t know any women who would allow her husband

or boyfriend to go out every weekend and sometimes multiple times in a

month. These are some of the reason why I decided not to get married or be

serious with a lady, because I was still trying to find myself.

At least I give myself some credit. I wasn’t going to take any woman

through a relationship “wave”. I called it a “wave” because today you’re in a


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serious relationship with this person or that person, tomorrow you break-up

with them, next week you’re back together again. There are so many people

out there who just assume that they would take their partners through

relationship-waves. There is a saying that goes, “if you’re not interested in

eating a food that was offered to you, don’t ask for a taste.” By doing so,

you’re basically saying there’s a chance you might consider the person’s offer.

So that’s nice that you’ve decided to get married and of course pledge

to be faithful, respect each other, love and accept your partner the way they

were, right? I’m sorry. Was that not part of your pledge? I think if you’re

looking at changing them to something you want, that might require a divine

intervention in most cases. I am saying this because, I sincerely believe

people can change if and when they want not to and not because of a new

boyfriend or marriage but rather something that will come into their system

inadvertently – which is why I called it a “divine intervention.”

Like Paris, the beginning of marriage is like that. In the beginning all

is going good, everything looks nice and beautiful until one day you stumble

into “Pigalle Place,” the one I referred to as, “Sodom and Gomorrah.” I could

not believe such a place existed in a beautiful city such as Paris, but then I

realized the truth about life. Everything that is beautiful still lacks complete

perfection in various ways. It was up to me to either accept it that way or not.

Even if I chose not to accept it because of not so beautiful things or characters

that I just found out about my partner, do I deal with my discoveries through


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negative feeling by thinking like my whole world is over? Or do I deal with

the issue in a more mature and non-judgmental manner?

A good friend of mine called me one day when I was getting ready to go

to sleep. All I heard was a grown man crying like a baby on the other end of

the phone. At first I thought maybe someone had died or maybe his fiancée

was sick or something. Let’s pause for a second. Can you imagine your best

friend calling you on the cell phone crying and nearly hysterical? It took me a

good three minutes to get him to calm down. I mean I was yelling at the top

of my voice to the point that I had to threaten him that I was going to hang-

up before the dude finally calmed down. So I asked him what happened. He

spent two minutes crying and trying to explain himself again. This time I

wasn’t going to have that nonsense so I hung-up on him. As I tried to call him

back my home phone was already going off – so I answered the phone and I

said, “I am so sorry, but I couldn’t hear a word you were saying. Can you

start all over again? Please, no more crying. Okay?”

It’s funny because we men sometime think we’re so macho, but deep

down we’re so soft. Even a cake frosting is stronger than us in most cases.

We’re too busy putting up macho images instead of our true selves. All

because we need to protect ourselves from being hurt by women – at least we

thought they were hurting us.

My friend finally told me what was wrong; I couldn’t help but to feel

sorry for him. You see, this guy was once the “mother of all players”; he


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sometimes referred to himself as an “Isaac Hayes” look alike. When we went

out to clubs in Chicago back in the late 90’s that was his pick-up line. He

went around likening himself to the legendary music icon, Isaac Hayes. He

said he left work early that day because he was feeling sick and he needed to

rest. When he got home he took off his shoes and hung up his jacket – he then

proceeded to the bedroom upstairs for a quick nap. When he opened the door

he saw his fiancée and her “baby daddy” having sex. I said, “Oh my God.” He

proceeded to say that what really got him going was the fact that, she’s the

last person on earth that he would ever think could do something like that. I

asked, why did you say that? He said his fiancée and her baby daddy don’t

even get along; they’re always fighting and can’t stand each other even when

he comes to pick-up his child for visitation.

He was very unhappy because he had spent his last days off at the

local mall, in order to look for a wedding ring for her. Right now, he felt

betrayed by everything he had just witnessed – causing him to be emotional

wreck when he called me. He asked me the following question, “Femi, I need

your help. What should I do?” I advised him not to make any decision right

now and that he needs to just take a deep breath and wait for his emotions to

cool off. It’s been my experience to never make decisions when you’re upset or

when you can’t see clearly. Hasty decisions are usually regrettable. To make

a long story short, my friend agreed but on one condition, he would have to

sleep somewhere else that night because he didn’t want to go to jail. I asked


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what he meant? He said, “You know I might go home now and she might say

something crazy to me.”

I told him, “No matter what happens with you and your woman, please

do not put your hands on her - that would be a recipe for disaster for sure!”

The next day when I got up I called his cell phone several times but I

kept getting a voicemail, so I left couple of messages. I also sent him several

texts without any response. Honestly, I thought he went to the house and

they both got into it, and the cops came and took him downtown or something

to that effect. It might have been two hours after this scary thought that I

looked at my cell phone and he had responded saying, “I went home and I will

talk to you about it later.”

As strange as it sounds, later was thirty days after when I got a

surprising call from both of them on the phone letting me know they will be

getting married in December that year and that they’ve both forgiven each

other. Evidently they had gone through extensive counseling and deep soul

searching. Hey, if they’re happy with their current arrangements and the

willingness to move past the unfortunate situation, who am I to try and stand

in their way. When the couple called me they sounded extremely happy

together.

I know you’re reading this story and thinking to yourself, I would

never go back to that woman or that man. Sometimes it’s OK to forgive and

move past the pain and the agony of the moment. Or perhaps move beyond


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the past that kept coming back to haunt you and would not allow you to

forgive your partner who disrespected you or failed to love you the way you

deserved to be loved. In the case of my friend, I learned several things from

what happened to him. First, you really don’t know someone very well until

they do something out of the norm, which then gives you the opportunity see

your true emotional feelings in action. Secondly, anyone is capable to

displaying an emotional reaction like crying and being an emotional wreck

depending on how severe the situation is. Finally, we’re all wired differently

and stronger than we thought. The fact that he could go home that night and

still talk things out with his fiancée, which subsequently led both of them to

seek counseling and then to forgive each other in a relatively short time, was

very instructive. This is a proof that we’re all capable of more than we’re

willing to accept as others’ mistakes against us. In addition, a simple act of

less yelling and screaming at each other might be the breakthrough that

might be the key to unlock the answers.

Like Paris, it sounds very good and pretty but not all that looks nice

and pretty stays the same or even in most cases remains the same with no

maintenance or the keenness to accept certain defects. Just like “Pigalle

Place” in France. Sorry, I forgot to tell you it does have a lot of nice things

that I enjoyed. For example, there are places you can go to listen to good

music and of course go shopping for little or nothing. People you see around

are very diverse and it’s almost like visiting New Orleans during the Mardi


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Gras festival. The point I was trying to make is, there is good in everyone,

even when things appear really messed up. It’s always good to find that one

or two things you can relate to about your partner. Especially those things

that made you date him or her in the first place. My father always says, “If

you close your eyes because you don’t want to see bad people walking by, you

might miss your chance to see a good one, because while you had your eyes

closed a good person just walked by.”

The key to remember here is communication with an open mind, yes, a

large and open-mind that will allow you and your partner to re-connect your

fireworks. You see, there is no true love that does not go through something

challenging before it’s made perfect. The challenges will always come and go.

However, the idea of overcoming marriage and relationship problems is to

always approach it with the following: Both need to calm down, take a walk if

you have to, show respect to each other’s feelings, try not to let your ego get

in the way of expressing yourself in a nice calm way. Remember that

marriage is meant to be for life and if you can’t put up with him or her today,

how can you forgive him or her tomorrow for errors that are yet to unfold.

Some say, I will never forgive him or her, but yet you have two sets of rules

when it comes to forgiving your husband or your wife and your family

members. I know we’ve all done this in the past. I am so easily forgiving

when it comes to my little brother or sisters and or mother, etc but when it

comes to your husband or a wife you apply different and more stringent and


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unreasonable standards. For instance, my best friend once tried to talk to

this girl I was dating seriously when we were in school. The girl told me and I

was angry at my friend. Thus, a few weeks after the incident he showed up at

my house and apologized and said something to the effect of, “I am sorry I

screwed up, it will never happen again. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

I looked at him and I said, “That’s cool, man. I am glad you’re man

enough to apologize.”

A few days later we all went out together and put the issue behind us.

Now, if that was a male friend who told me about my girlfriend coming on to

him, would I have forgiven her so quickly? Let’s be honest, I don’t think so. I

would probably break-up with her without even giving her a serious

opportunity to clear the air. The fact that my best friend came to me will

without a doubt influence my decision to cut her loose ASAP. This is

something I am trying to explore when it comes to our marriage and issues

dealing with our partners.

Men and women relationships in the beginning are usually like being

in paradise, or Paris at the initial stage – everything looks good and sexy and

in most cases very good indeed. But the fact is that even Paris, France, a city

known for her beauty and admirable culture with a beautiful lifestyle still

has places that are far from glamorous. In the words of a good friend of mine,

“Correct a little and overlook a great deal.” Sometimes all it takes is just

allowing your partner to be themselves, state your concern in a way that does


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not attack them. You knew them before you married the person. Thus, don’t

automatically or even expect a drastic change to meet your need or how you

want them to look, love and talk. These things take time. In most cases some

people will never change to meet your needs or desires no matter how much

pressure you put on them. My best suggestion for you would be to accept

people for who they are, and never stop leading by good example. I know it’s

hard but, sometimes all you have left in the relationship is you and your

strengths to stay above the water. As unreasonable as it sounds, you need to

extend some of the energy you have left to your partner, because he might not

even have anything left in him or her to carry-on. Marriage, as I understand

it, is a team effort. When one team is down on the field, even when you’re not

very happy with that team member because of one thing or another –

remember to put your anger aside and help Team Marriage win the

challenges that threaten to break-up your relationship.

When you’re in “Pigalle Place” nobody looks at you funny, because they

really don’t care. It is evident that they themselves are there for a reason,

either to look or to shop. What I am trying to convey is that none of the

people who I saw in “Pigalle Place” has the right to judge me or my motives

for coming to such a strange part of Paris. In a marriage, especially when our

friends and some of our family members know the history of the problems in

your relationship - human nature is bound to play a role in the advice you get

from your friends and family members. Look! They are just trying to be


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supportive and advise you when they advised you to let your husband or wife

go. It is up to you to look at the entire situation and make a reasonable

decision that you can live with for the rest of your life.

It would freak you out, as crazy and in my view, nasty as “Pigalle

Place” was known to come across, I still like going there to check the place

out every now and then when I am in Paris to visit old friends. As time goes

on, I realize the place is not as bad as I was made to believe when I was

growing up. I now believe it’s all in my mind! So my question to you is what

are you willing to overlook in order to make your relationship work? Since

this is a lifetime commitment, are you willing to invest a lifetime and

unlimited time with resources to make your marriage work? You don’t have

to answer me now, I was just wondering what your plans are ☺

“There is no real-love without History.”


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CHAPTER 2

Block by Block

My father is a civil engineer and a very good one I may add. One day he made

me come to work with him so I could experience what he does at work. I think

he wanted me to take over his building construction company business when

I grew up. It was quite an experience to say the least. My dad wanted me to

see what it was like to build a house from the ground up, particularly to see

how the brick-layers do their job. First hand I witnessed the art of block

setting. These guys are very meticulous in how they place certain items on

the wall to fit. For example, I saw how they lay terra cotta block to construct

a wall, and how they measured distances point by point in order to make sure

everything matched. I enjoyed watching how they spread soft layers of

cement that served as bottom and binder for block, by using the trowel. They

applied cement to the last part of each block by also positioning blocks in the

mortar bed. Finally, I watched how they level, and align the embedded


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cement in a way to allow firmness, at the same time getting rid of the unused

cement materials from the block, etc.

The whole experience seemed so complicated and occasionally very

hard to follow, but the beauty of it all is that, at the end of the day they had

finished the work and it looked so beautiful and worth the experience. As

funny as this may sound, the making of a good marriage background is to

some extent parallel this description I just gave. At times it is necessary to be

somewhat artistic in your marriage, to be able to work hard both of you must

make sure a solid block of love and unconditional love is cemented into the

relationship. For example, just watching the brick-layers that day working on

building a couple of walls was exciting, but at the same time it was a hard

work that required patience, accurate measurements and specifically when it

comes to the type of building materials required. On top of all that, there

were supervisors and building architects directing all their moves in order to

make sure my father and all the other workers were in compliance with both

the owner’s plan, and of course the city codes.

Most people who have never been married before are the ones that are

quick to give their friends advice in time of his or her marriage crises. A wise

man once told me, he would allow someone to recommend a medicine that he

or she has never taken before to cure their problem. In reflection, when a

married person seeks advise regarding a sensitive marriage problem from

someone who has never been married before or without any history of having


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been involved in a serious relationship – such a decision would be somehow

suspicious if not unreliable.

I remember December, 1999, when I walked into a company’s training

class and I noticed this fine pretty looking girl. She glanced at me and I made

eye contact with her. “Hello,” I said and she said hello back in a kind of a

short and a bit snobby way. I didn’t mind, but I was just waiting to check her

out even more – especially her smile and her back. Call me a fool, but hey, I

was young and I just walked into a classroom and noticed a beautiful woman

who caught my attention. As time went on I became a mini-friend with Tina

and her friend Naomi who I think had a crush on me at the time. She

probably won’t admit it but she gave me her home number and asked that I

call her anytime I feel like talking or whatever. After talking to Nicole one or

two times on the phone, we both noticed that the majority of my conversation

was centered on Tina so one day, Naomi said, “Femi, I think you and Tina

will make a good couple.”

I said, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, she’s like, you both talk about each other and it does not take

Einstein to know you two like each other.”

A few months later, Tina and I started talking and I soon realized she

was seeing this guy called, “Uncle Ton.” One day she invited me to her place

in Mount Prospect, Illinois, and when I got there, I quickly formed an opinion

because I am a “neat-freak” and she’s the opposite. Although we have a lot in


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common we later became just friends and I went on to marry someone else,

but she remained single and was still seeing this guy from Chicago. In 2001

our company relocated both of us to Georgia as part of a call center start-up

team. At this time, we’d really got to know each other very well and I decided

that I was not going to marry her and that we would only remain friends. For

years we were both very close but I could not picture myself married to her

even after my wife and I divorced. I was still hung-up on certain things that

Tina does that I am not fond of. For example, she liked to wait until the last

minute before she paid her bills, and when she gives me a ride in her car,

there is stuff all over the place and that drives me nuts to see that. I hate to

see clothes all over the place in the house and this is something Tina did not

think was a problem at the time. Anyway, to make a long story short, I

wasn’t going to commit to her because I was looking more on the outside to

judge her rather than the inside, which is the most important part of any

human being. Back then, my close friend advised me against the idea of

dating Tina seriously or even entertaining the idea of marriage with her. He

gave me all kinds of negative advice, not to marry her. I came to realize that

this friend lives by himself and he did not have a serious girlfriend at the

time. He had gone through a really bitter divorce that left him a kind of

“limobstic” state of mind. I had to come up with unique grammar to describe

his mental state.


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Poor little minded me, I chose a battered man as an advisor - someone

who had just gone through a marriage “Laundromat.” In looking back, what

kind of advice could I really have expected from a man who fired all his

lawyers and went to represented himself in order to fight his ex-wife? It was

years after I got rid of all the negative friends in my life that I was able to see

clearly that, Tina was actually the woman for me. I spent years looking for

love in the wrong places, I was going north and south looking for heaven, but

all along heaven was right in my sights. I was just too blind to see.

It’s true it was not easy in the beginning but when I married Tina, I

was determined to make it work. In fact, I conditioned my mind to overlook a

lot of things about her that I was not so crazy about and she did the same

thing for me. I realized the things I was concerned about regarding our

appearance were easy fix for her, my concern was addressed and I also

listened to her and we both made adjustments. To let you in on a secret, it

took me ten years to finally decide that this is what I wanted. I blamed

myself for being so stubborn and was not willing to take a block by block

approach in order to make things work with us back in 1999 when I had the

first opportunity. I was too busy looking for every minuscule and unnecessary

mistake to justify my excuses for not marrying her.

I seriously believe that if you love and care about somebody, you will

be willing to forgive, forget and let go of some things that are really not worth

holding on to. Relationships can be overwhelming sometimes, it is absolutely


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necessary to rely on each other for support and not allow extra negative

forces to come between you. My advice is to always be cautious before taking

advice from a friend or family members, without first trying to work things

out with your partner. Nobody knows your wife or husband better than you

do, and for anyone to tell you what to do or what to pay attention to will often

back fire!

“A good marriage is the funniest thing in life, but you have to be willing to make it fun before it can be fun.”


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CHAPTER 3

Excuse for Marriage!

“Good morning, Andy, how was your weekend?” I asked a friend and co-

worker of mine one morning, when I arrived at work.

He responded by saying, “I am ok.”

“Just ok?” I asked.

He said, “Really, I am fine.”

I have known Andy for a while and that response didn’t sound like

somebody who is OK. Thus, during lunch time Andy texted me in order to see

where in the building I was located. I responded with the word, “cafeteria.” I

guess he knew I noticed he wasn’t quite forthcoming this morning when I

asked him if he was OK. I should have known not meet Andy for lunch, but

rather wait until the end of the day.


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During our conversation Andy was revealed that he had been going

through some emotional things within himself and his wife had tried to help

in every way possible, but he had refused to open up to her and to talk about

it.

So I asked, “What’s up, Andy?”

He said that he was thinking about separating from his wife because

she didn’t turn him on anymore since she put on so much weight.

I said wow! So I asked, “What else is bothering you about her?”

“You know,” he said, “she doesn’t wear make-up anymore and it’s like

she’s just letting herself go.”

It sounded funny to me, but I asked him, “What do you mean by letting

herself go?”

Andy said, “Come-on, Femi, you know what I mean, you’ve been

around.”

I said, “No, please tell me because I really don’t want to imagine

anything at all.”

“Ok,” he said. “When I first met my wife she was so small, she was

around 130 pounds and she looked beautiful. She took time to do her hair and

wear nice cologne. She took time to get her nails done and she always wore

nice underwear and sexy bras.”

I said, “What else?”

He said, “Well, that’s all I can think of right now.”


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In my head I was saying to myself, what the hell is wrong with this

guy? You’re going to separate from your wife because she doesn’t have time to

wear make-up anymore or bring her weight down to what she was when you

got married, etc. I thought Andy was going to tell me how his wife was not

caring anymore, how she’s always M.I.A on the weekend with her friends or

how he caught her cheating on him, etc. I was in disbelief when Andy told me

his reasons for wanting to separate from his wife of five years. It didn’t take

long before I realized Andy was just making excuses. He had already made

up his mind about separating from his wife and then starts dating other

women. In my discussion with him that day, I was blunt and brutally honest

with him. I said he’s going to be making a terrible mistake if he should

separate or divorce his wife based on the garbage he had just dumped on me.

You see, Andy and I had known each other for a while. We have been very

close since we met at work. During our first day of work during orientation

we became good friends. As my father once said, “There are different types of

people in this world. There are some people who are satisfied with whatever

God gives them, at the same time – there are people who are never satisfied

no matter what you or anybody gives them. “I am beginning to think Andy

might just be one of those people who are never satisfied. No bull, people!

Andy’s wife is one of the nicest people I have ever known. She’s a friendly,

helpful, smart, pretty, and considerate and God fearing woman. You know,


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the down to earth type of a woman who is so into her family - when you meet

her, it’s like you’ve known her all your life.

Before I forget, the other part of the funny thing my father told me

regarding people is that, “They are not satisfied or grateful for what they

have.” He also said, “the same people are always making excuses over

excuses in order to justify their own wrongdoing. They like to blame

everybody else for their problems but not themselves.”

When I thought about this philosophy I thought, I hate to judge Andy

this way but I can’t help but to feel he’s on a mission to destroy his beautiful

marriage of five years over things that are so fixable with time, and

communication.

One of the biggest mistakes people make in a marriage is to always

expect that your wife or your husband’s physical looks when you met months

or even years ago will remain the same. We sometimes refuse to accept

change in our spouse’s appearance or even in their ability to live up to their

once strong libido that we used to enjoy so much about them. Well, some men

or women will make every effort to keep up with nature but we have to

understand, nature and time will always have the final say. Having known

this, I advised Andy to first have a real dialogue with his wife concerning his

issues. I told him to take her to a nice restaurant; somewhere she has never

been before and then talk to her about some of his concerns. However, I

warned him not to make it a “download session.” What I meant was for him


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not to turn the evening into a complaining session but rather to tell her what

he wanted to see her do more of. I am talking from experience because I

remember before I married my wife she always wore nice perfume and really

sexy underwear and after we got married, especially when Denzel our son

was born, she kept that up. What I did was, during the Valentine period, I

went to the store and I bought lingerie, nice underwear that I like, perfume

that she used to wear and bubble bath accessories so we can go back to taking

bubble baths together. When I came home with all the “loving enhancement

tools”, which were the new sexy bra, the perfume, the bubble bath and the

lingerie – my wife was so surprised and so happy that I took the time to shop

for her that she was happy with and used everything. A few days later I

asked her how she felt about me buying those things for her.

She said, “I loved them; I am just too busy to buy them.”

I simply said, “I got your back.”

I was not going to just keep thinking crazy ideas in my head, crap like,

my wife is not sexy anymore because she doesn’t wear sexy underwear or

bras. I decided to take matters into my own hands by steering our love life

back onto the express road rather than the bumpy highway that Andy just

described!

Regarding the weight gain I told Andy, “Why don’t you just sign you

both up for workout sessions together or get one of those workout devices at

home and then create time to exercise with her. So it’s a join thing rather


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than her just doing it and really not feeling too good about it because she’s

feeling like she’s doing it for you and not for herself.”

I remember in the beginning of this year, my wife and I made a New

Year resolution to both go into an “Atkins and low carbohydrate diet”. Every

day we both workout together and I made it a priority to cook for both of us so

we could stay on target. We both lost weight and felt good about it because it

was a joint effort. I needed to lose a couple of pounds myself. Even though it

was her goal to lose weight and I was there to help her achieve her goal at the

same time, I too benefited from helping her. I refused to make excuses about

falling out of love with my wife, especially when I know she was a good

person, a caring mother, and a sexy, lovely lady with a great sense of humor.

She was the embodiment of beauty and a good friend who loved me

unconditionally.

I think if you love your wife or husband you will find a nice, creative

non-judgmental way to express your concern to them without being offensive

or disrespectful. I guess it’s easy for me because I married my conscience,

Tina is one of those people who are easily satisfied and she’s determined to

make her marriage work just like me. Thus, we are not going to allow any

superficial things like no make-up, lack of fancy underwear, no perfume or

money to influence our relationship in a negative way – what happened to ‘for

better and for worse?”


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For some people it is always easy to point fingers at the other person in

the relationship. They are not doing this, they are not doing that, I like to see

him or her lose weight or I like her to just understand me and see how much

she made me mad, etc. Excuses!!! And the last thing to constantly think

about in a relationship is how unhappy you are and how you don’t find him or

her attractive anymore. Well, I am sorry but marriage is not like a car that

you can take back to the dealership because you don’t like the color or it’s not

as good on gas as you were told. From the way I understand it, once you’re

married you have to find a way to make it work. I guess I am just one of those

people who like to focus more on solutions rather than the problem; on top of

that I like to approach everything in my life positively. Yes, I agree, problems

will come. He or she will do something that will create tension one day, but

we should always remember love does not create pain nor does true love hate.

The reason most people get together and eventually marry each other

is because they either were in-love or someone has an ulterior motive. This

could be money, influence, house, cars or they want something that the

person has and the only way they could gain their trust was to pretend they

love them. Marriage or relationships like that usually do not last; on top of

that most rich and influential people are now so creative in order to protect

their wealth against counterfeit love. I was talking to this girl one day over

the phone years ago and she wanted to know if I had American citizenship, I

asked why and she said, it would be easy for her to come join me once I filed


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for a Green card for her. I am saying to myself, I just met you 48 hours ago

and you are already talking about me bringing you to the United States. As

one of my friends always says. “Mama did not raise a dumb ass!” Thus, I had

to let her go and find someone else who would be willing to bring her to

America within 24 hours of meeting her over the phone.

I am going to leave you with this. If you really love him or her, you will

let them know how you feel about certain things that you would like to see

improve. Don’t unload all your list of things at once. Choose the most

important ones and be willing to ask your partner of anything they would like

to see you improve on as well. Sometimes there are people in our life who

don’t like to complain, but that does not mean they don’t like you to improve

on something in the relationship – find a creative way to find out their needs

or things they would like you to do better. You will be surprised, some

people’s list are so short and very reasonable. It’s the thought that matters! I

was just curious and I googled the word excuse. Here is what I got: “excuse -

serve as a reason or cause or justification of; "Your need to sleep late does not

excuse your late arrival at work"; "Her recent divorce may explain her

reluctance to date again.”

As for my buddy Andy, he finally realized he had things he needed to

work on within himself. All that he told me about his reasons for wanting to

get out of his marriage and mess around with other women, are nothing but

silly and childish excuses that were debunked by me and his father.


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The first thing I told Andy was to minimize strip club visits and that

he needed to start spending money on his wife rather than someone else’s

women in the strip club. I also advised him to spend more time at home, and

also find time to take his wife to movies, music concerts, etc. I am not a

“shrink” but having been around Andy I knew he’s not handling his business

at home. Finally, I reminded him that no man or woman out there is perfect

and that he needs to cherish what he has and stop trying to run after

someone else’s dream.

“If you know you can’t help me get better at what you feel is wrong with me, don’t bother to judge me if I chose to do it my way.”


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CHAPTER 4

No More Representatives

Hello, please allow me to officially introduce myself to you, this is a ritual

most people in a serious relationship need to do before they move in together

or even get married. You might be thinking this is so cunning and that

nobody should go through this type of formality, but I respectfully disagree

with you. In my experience this is one of the things that hurts or kills a

relationship, because too often people fall in love with someone they thought

they knew but deep down, that person never existed. The person they meant

to fall in love with is nothing but a mirage. Their imaginary wife or husband

might as well just be a character from a Hollywood movie. A classic example

was a movie made in 2005 called “Just like Heaven” by American actor Reese

Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo.” In the movie, these two people realized they

have strong feelings for each other, even as they went through tremendous


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complications, fights and normal relationship problems – the strange twist to

the movie is, one of them is a make-believe figure.

My wife told me a story about one of her friends who recently went on

a date. She met someone online and they decided to meet at coffee shop close

to the guy’s house. When the young man arrived at the rendezvous place, he

spent some time looking around for the lady he was there to meet. The

problem however was that both of them had lied to each other about their

various descriptions. The guy said, “I am muscular, 6”2” and light skin” – he

was not even close to being muscular and his height was somewhat around

5”4” and not 6”2” as he had stated. So my wife asked her friend, what about

your descriptions to him? She said she told him she was light skinned with

very long, dark hair both of which is inaccurate. I guess this is why I felt like

if I was thinking about meeting or marrying someone, I don’t want to meet

their “representative.” I like to get to know the person for real, because they

might end-up being life partners. Most people will tell you, any relationship

or marriage that starts with a lie or some kind of dishonesty has a tendency

to hit the rocks before it even starts.

This will freak you out. When I started dating my wife she was

reluctant in the beginning to tell me the things that she liked and disliked,

especially, some things I am not crazy about but she felt the need to tell me

about up front. So when she does it inadvertently it will not be a surprise to

me. For example, she told me she’s not a morning person and that her system


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is not fully up and running until sometime in the afternoon. I am the

opposite. I am ready to jump up and run and do everything else even at

4:00 in the morning. Rather than taking this as a problem in our

relationship, I embraced it as something of a positive change. I said to myself

I need someone to help me slow my butt down sometimes, therefore we

complement each other in that area. Another major thing for me was

organization, I have always been a superman when it comes to getting things

done in a timely fashion or making sure the house is organized and no litter

everywhere. On the other hand, she’s not like me and this posed a real

challenge for me in the beginning of our marriage. Thus one day I asked

myself, how come I am so organized and my partner is just the opposite.

Thus, during our conversation, my wife said, “baby, this is not a 911 situation

that needs to be done by a marine,” and then she looked me in the eye and

further said, “take a deep breath and just chill, sweetheart.” The answer she

came up with was surprising to me. Now its reflection time, at that point I

looked back at my life in general and I was able to reflect on my single days.

In those days, I did not live with anyone; I am always just dating and live in

a beautiful, extremely clean and well-organized house. My ways of doing

things at the time was the only way I knew and grew up with. In fact when I

was married, I did not live with these women for a considerable amount of

time that would have allowed me to truly know what it’s like to live with the

opposite sex as a husband and wife. The last thing I came up with was kids,


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there were no children living with me and my ex-wife at the time. When I

was home with them that would have allowed me the opportunity to

understand what it was like to live as a couple with children residing with us.

As for the rendezvous date involving my wife’s friend: the two of them

decided they were not compatible.

Realistically our married life can be mirrored to that of a professional

life, if we look at it from a corporate world prospective. When you submit your

resume for a job and you go through interviews and eventually get the job,

not just the employer expects you to live up to your resume, but the employee

as well. The benefits that were discussed during the interview, the

opportunity to excel and move to the next level is something he or she will be

looking forward to while they work their butt off for that employer. On the

flip side, if and when either party fails to live up to the promises made at the

beginning of their professional relationship this is when issues start to arise

in my view. The employer is of the opinion the employee will always come to

work on time and not stay on his or her personal cell phone making personal

calls during work time. The employee is of the mind that, the employer will

give her a raise after he or she was able to win that major account that was

the prime of the prime for the company. Yet she did not receive kudos nor

was she recognized for a job well done. As weird as it sounds, the only time

the employee hears from upper management is when something is wrong. I


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don’t know about you but not too many people will remain happy and vibrant

under such circumstances, one that does not foster recognition of success.

There are people in our life that we adore so much because of the

different qualities they possesses. I bet you one of the qualities will fall under

any of these words: Real, Authentic, Indisputable, True, Unadulterated,

Legitimate and Valid. In my opinion all of these qualities are critical in any

relationship. The funniest part is they all mean the same thing. When you

have a wife or are in a relationship that encompasses one of these qualities,

there is a sense of assurance that overtakes you every time you see that

person or think about them when they’re not around. A true serious

relationship that carries a possibility of a marriage one day needs to be taken

seriously and respected. Playing games and trying to fool around with

another person’s feelings while they are not aware of your intentions will only

create conflicts and someone might and will get hurt.

I asked my wife a question one day. I said, “Sweetie, why do you love

me so much?”

She said, “One of the things I love about our relationship is that, I am

free when I am with you. I can be myself around you without putting up a

front.”

I asked why that was so important? She said, “It feels good to know

that your husband is genuine. To know he loves you for who you really are

without any phoniness attached to his feelings for you is refreshing.”


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So I asked, “What is the flip side of being yourself around a man?”

She said, “It is an uncomfortable feeling. First, you feel you have to

change or appear different in order to please your partner, but deep down you

know you’re not the person you’re trying portrait but rather for the sake of

not wanting the person to know a lot of things about you.” She continued by

saying, “Sometimes it’s not your intention not to come totally clean about all

the pros and cons about you and your past, but it’s a sense of security. In

most cases, because you don’t want to have everyone you come in contact

with to know everything about you, especially if they are not going to be

around for a while.”

I concurred with the notion of not telling or opening up for every man

or woman you meet out there for a Showtime, but when and if the

relationship proceeds to the sublime level. I think it’s only going to help the

relationship get better if he or she knows you’re who you say you are. For

instance, let’s try to explore the issue of “mis-representation” on a strictly

business level relative to “false advertisement”. When a corporation or an

individual places advertising that is either false or implicitly false in nature,

this type of action will constitute failure to disclose, flawed and or misleading

which led the consumer to buy the product but was later unable to use it.

Based on this description, it would be troubling for anyone to knowingly go

along with false advertising or advertising that is only partially true or in

some cases, totally misleading. This is just an example from a business


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perspective, but when it comes to being forthcoming in a relationship – it is

even more important to let your partner know your likes and dislikes so the

relationship can grow in a positive direction.

Significantly, the two of you need to be accountable to each other’s

feelings, with openness and honesty, which in my view is paramount if you

intend to live happily ever after.

“All I wanted his for him or her to love me,

like I want to be loved. Don’t just complaint, try complements sometimes.”


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CHAPTER 5

Quiet Before the Storm Most people who’ve been married for a while or couples who are in a happy

relationship all have different but similar answers, to what kept them

together and happy. Getting married is the least of the headaches most

people encounter in life. The test comes when it’s time to maintain or nurture

the relationship to a happy and long lasting one – this is where the

challenges come for a man or woman. For instance, when you first get

married, there is excitement and newlywed chemistry that creates a shield

around a couple for a while. The flaws on both sides become slowly noticeable

when the newlywed excitement begins to wear off. The reality of it all is that,

nobody can and should stay in an excitement mode 24 hours in a relationship.

There comes a time when things start to happen that will automatically

knock the excitements out of you, and this is when the reality starts to hit

you.


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I was trying to help a couple resolve some of their differences one day;

After the meeting the husband asked me what I thought was really wrong

with their relationship. I paused for a second and I told him it’s not what I

think it’s what both of them think because I am not the person in the

relationship. Moreover, what is wrong in my eyes is perfectly fine in some one

else’s eyes. I attended a group discussion long ago and someone asked me to

give my opinion on what I thought is a pitfall in most marriages. For almost

all married people (or those in serious relationships) these are the hot spots:

Money, Sex, Children and insecurities on either side.

MONEY

Money can be one of the biggest obstacles some couples face. I

remember when my wife and I first got together; she liked to just spend her

money as soon as she got paid from work. Thus, a few days after she got paid

she’s already singing the no money song and I get frustrated that she has

gone through all of her money so quickly. On the other hand, I would

maintain a mental and occasionally a physical journal of what I need to buy

and what can wait for next time. This issue has been going on for a while and

I finally asked her one-day what she does with her money so quickly. It was

very surprising for me to learn she doesn’t really spend as much money on


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herself as I had thought - but rather paid a lot of money in overdraft fees.

Surprisingly, most of the overdraw fees are something that could have been

corrected through a phone call to the bank in order to change the dates of the

transaction in-conjunction with when her payroll check is deposited. I am

glad I asked her the question because that was the day we fixed that

problem. Although, she had been saying she would call the bank, but never

took the time to cancel the wrong transaction each time different company’s

takes money from her account every month without authorization, especially

when their subscriptions had already been long cancelled.

I remember she always complained she had no money left and I was

reluctant to get into her private business at the time since we were not

married yet. I also didn’t want her to feel like I was controlling or noisy.

However, I approached her in a nice way and she was open and honest with

me and that was how I was able to hear her out and we both fixed the

problem the same day. I can’t really go into how much money she was giving

away every time she got paid. Put it this way, I was shocked and surprised

when I found out how long it had been going on. That was my money problem

with my fiancée at the time. It might be because he or she shops a lot or

gambles, or spends money on entertainment each time he or she gets paid

without consideration for the family’s needs. I am sure you probably felt like,

if I can save my money for us to use in case of a rainy day or to pay our bills,

he or she should be able to do the same. Well, my response to that is –


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sometimes we all need someone to help us with certain challenges that we’re

struggling with. Thus, this is where a husband or wife needs to step in and

offer to help the person out rather than just pounce on them and make them

feel small. Let me tell you something funny, when my wife and I finally got

married and she’s getting ready to go out to shop or go to the store, she’ll ask

for my credit card or debit card in order to buy some things for the house. I

would be so scared to give it to her and she’d just look at me and say,

“Sweetie, you’ll be okay, where is that damn card anyway?” We both just

laughed and kind of made fun of each other. The reality of it is, she knows me

and I know her and we both trust each other and are very honest with our

finances. So she’s not going to go out and spend the money that we both don’t

have, because doing so will create stress and potential arguments in the

marriage if it’s not corrected.

Having said this, money is like “ a killer whale” that needs to be

approached with caution so it won’t take your relationship out. Most couples

will even tell you the only reason that their wife or husband married them is

because they have money. I think this is a wrong reason to marry someone

because what will happen if the money runs out or something tragic happens

to them and they are not able to work or make money like they used to?

Would you still stay with the person or would you hit the road? One thing

that I know for sure is that, any love that it is based on material things is

neither a true love nor a love that can withstand hard times. The challenge


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money creates in a relationship is two fold. First, without money in a

marriage or a relationship things tend to get ugly sometimes. On the other

hand, an excess of money in a relationship also creates serious issues such as

the possibility of either party seeking a divorce in order to get a substantial

monetary compensation.

SEX

This is one area of a marriage that most couples find very hard to talk

about it, in some cases it’s even hard to discuss a sex problem with your

partner because you’re shy or embarrassed to talk to your wife or husband

about it. Some couples are so mad at each other that they refuse to have sex,

even though one of them is in a dire need of making love with his or her

husband. The problem is someone doesn’t want to look like they are the weak

link by simply saying, “Sweetie, I am sorry about last night, let’s get together.

I want you or I need you, baby.” One thing that couples need to understand

is, when you deprive each other of one of the most important aspects of a

marriage, which is making love and being intimate – it’s like you basically

rejected everything about that person. As for me and my wife, even when we

argue or get mad at each other sometimes, we always find a way not to go to

bed angry at each other. We’ve been very good at talking and resolving our


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differences before we go to sleep at night. When a husband and a wife decide

to make not having sex or making love as part of the prerequisite for their

marriage then there is a tendency that one person, might just decide to seek

sexual solace somewhere outside the marriage.

Let’s not forget that making love to your loved one is an intimate undertaking, it

allows both in the couple to come together in a passionate moment which is meant to

create affection. Thus, to deprive one’s spouse of such a beautiful experience because

you’re angry and trying to make a point would be setting your relationship up for a

failure. When you decided not to be intimate with your partner because of a fight you had

a few days ago or last week, it’s like telling them they are REJECTED and you don’t

have any desire to be with them at all. Some people take rejection to heart and they might

decide to seek affection somewhere else, because they could not handle the fact that they

were rejected. Any relationship problem that includes sexual deprivation is never a good

way to show your spouse you’re angry at them.

As far as I am concerned, I fundamentally disagree with the notion that sex is

“overrated.” I was reading something one day and someone had asked this question: Why

do most couples think you have to have sex to have a happy marriage or a satisfying

relationship even after years being married or in the same relationship? There are people

who contend that a good and healthy marriage or relationship does not have to be

legitimateized by the existance of good sex. But rather truly grounded on the couple’s

ability to share common interests, desires and their abilities to sincerely cherish and enjoy

each other's company and in general life endeavors. I am, however, against certain

preconceptions that couples who are not enaging in a daily or periodic sexual experience


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carry some kind of a stigma on their relationship in general, and the idea of blaming

either the man or woman is a crazy idea.

CHILDREN

Many married couples including myself will admit children are the greatest joy of

any marriage. At the same time they can also be a nail in the coffin for a troubled and

dying marriage. Divorce is difficult enough; the thought of married life with child

behavioral problem can be very hard to stomach. I cannot stress how important it is to

keep your kids out of any of your marriage issues. Just like the label description on most

medicine that reads: “Keep out of Children’s reach.” For any already strained marriage,

children are most affected and so many times they have no one to turn to for advice or

consolation. Why? Because they won’t want their friends to know their parents are not

getting along or are on the verge of a divorce. The # 1 rule in our household is for me and

my wife never to show any signs of argument around our kids. You will be surprised, the

kids are sometimes like puppy dogs, and they can smell all sorts of scents from a mile

away. This is why it is so critical to keep the marriage problem under wraps from the

kids. Because before you know it, the kids will start to act-up, skipping school, failing

grades, teen pregnancy -- any and all excuses to seek attention from Daddy and Mommy

who are not speaking to each other.


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For some couples, it was the husband or the wife’s own doing by not showing his

or her partner any affection. The only people that he shows love to are his children more

than his wife or her husband. Please don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that a father

or mother not show their children love and affection. One thing I think is important is

always keep your love and affection for each other at the top of any other love and

affection. We all need to maintain a stronger bond with our spouses because they are the

people that will ultimately stay with us when we cannot take care of ourselves any longer.

I remember when I decided to buy my wife an early birthday gift at the store while we

were out one day. She had always wanted a nice handbag from “Dooney & Bourke”, so I

made a surprise stop at the mall in the company of both our girls and bought my wife,

their mother a pretty nice and expensive handbag from “Dooney & Bourke”. What

happened next after I paid for the bag was the strangest thing I have ever seen in my life.

Both our girls were very unhappy and at one point they were crying because I had spent

that much money on their mother rather than on them. I found the whole experience

bizarre, but was made to understand that the girls probably felt they were “numero uno”

in my life. Thus, by seeing the length I would go to please my wife was unexpected to

them, and they could not handle it. Therefore they reacted to the whole thing negatively

rather than to be happy for both their mother and myself that we love each other so much

that we are willing to go the extra mile for one another. This is a classic example of how

a child can affect your relationship negatively by attempting to control and or manipulate

their father or mother into putting their needs ahead of their parents’ marital

responsibilities.


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Recently I was reading a study conducted by a research Professor of Psychology

at the University of Denver. “Couples who do not have children also show diminished

marital quality over time,” says the research professor. The study further states the

following: “However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during

periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child.” After reading the researcher’s

reports, I think it is necessary to understand that most problems in a marriage involve

children mis-behaving or not being respectful towards their parents when asked to do

something. Or in some cases they refuse to listen to their parents’ advice and in most

cases just acting like a kid that they are. I think when confronted with these types of

problems, we need to understand that sometimes children are simply just looking for

attention, and sometimes they will go to any length in order to get their parents’ attention.

Thus, I feel parents need to build a better line of communication with their children;

listen to them and get to know them and not how you think or what you think they are

about. Most kids who I have talked to in the past offered identical words, which were:

“My father, mother doesn’t even know me.” And in some cases I think they do erratic

things in order to get attention from their parents and in some cases rebel towards their

parents. So, without a doubt, children can be a challenge in your marriage if you allowed

their occasional dramatic efforts to take hold of your marriage or relationship. Here are

some of the things I introduced into my household when I married my wife, who already

had kids before we got married. First, I made sure I let her girls know my reason for

marrying their mother. I am not a fly by night type of a man and I re-assured them that I

am here to marry her for life. On the other hand, here are some things I would like to

offer them:


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• Show them unconditional love.

• Treat them like they were my biological children.

• Develop and help them see their potential in life.

• Recognize any good things they do in the house, such as Chorus and cleaning

their room without any excuse.

• Provide them with reasons for some decisions that are made in the house.

• Correct any behavior that is out of the norm, such as swearing and displays of

anger to their parents or any adult including me.

• Accept them for whom they are, but remind them to learn to accept others as God

has created them to be as well. Love is a two way street, you show me love and

you get love in return.

• I told them I am not a magician, but I definitely would attempt a miracle if given

an opportunity to get to love and know their mom and them as well.

• Finally, I do not entertain any form of disrespectful language or terminologies that

in my view, any reasonable parent would view as a vulgar or inappropriate way to

communicate with an adult, especially your parents.

I don’t think these simple guidelines are too much to ask for, and in turn I will do my best

as a loving and supportive father without any reservation.


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INSECURITIES

This is one area where many couples who are already dealing with

trust issues prior to getting married, re-live some of their “deja vu” when it

comes to the issue of trust. According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, trust is

defined as follows: “One in which confidence is placed,” or “Something

committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of

another.” When I look at this definition of trust I really don’t understand why

anyone would marry someone they do not trust. Trust is vital to success in

any relationship. When a relationship or friendship lacks trust – it’s just a

matter of time before that relationship or friendship expires if changes are

not made. I remember a long time ago when I was dating this lady. Anytime I

came home or was in her company she constantly took my cell phone and

went through the caller ID. In some cases, she would go through my check

book in order to see who I was writing checks to. I noticed she went through

my voicemail at home one-day and I was not a very happy person that day

when I found out what she had done. A lack of trust will, without a doubt,

easily lead to insecurity for either a man or a woman, depending on the

situation or circumstances. Why does a married man or woman hire a private

investigator to follow their partner? I think we can agree this is a classic


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trust issue. There is a correlation between trust and insecurity in my view. I

feel they both share the same principle. For instance, insecurity will assist a

husband or a wife who is already suspicious of their partner to react in a way

that they need to get truthful information or evidence that will validate the

insecurities they are experiencing in that relationship or marriage. I

sometimes view insecurity as a bad dream. It’s sometimes scary and hard to

wake-up from one. In some cases, I have seen couples do crazy things to each

other because they are insecure or suspicious of one another, worrying that

the other is having an affair even when there is no evidence to backup their

suspicion.

INFIDELITIES

This is one aspect of a marriage or relationship that some people take

very lightly. When a man or a woman exercises infidelity in their relationship

it simply means he or she cannot be trusted. They violate every rule in the

book that honors a marriage or relationship. When a partner is not faithful in

a marriage or a relationship, this type of affront for others also disrespects

our marriage or relationship. Every-man or woman likes to feel special, to

know that your man or woman is committed to you and only you, to be sure

that he or she is not “strip searched” by another man or woman clandestinely

is a tremendous feeling. A good healthy marriage or relationship is one that


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does not engage in any form of infidelity that jeopardizes the sanctity of the

marriage or relationship. I think that when you meet with your partner in an

intimate way it is so special that sharing such a special gift with anybody else

is insane in my view.

For example, we’ve all heard about the “Al-Qaeda or radical

Muslim Fanatics” who are so into their faith that they kill for it. I use this

example because those guys always use this phrase when they refer to people

who do not share the same belief and faith as they do as: “Infidel”. This term

especially means, "one who doubts or rejects central tenets of a religion or has

no religious beliefs", according to “An Introductory Dictionary of Theology

and Religious Studies.” These radicals take their faith so seriously that they

are willing to die for what they believe to be the right religion. I am making

an example to suggest that these guys deemed an “infidel” to be a worthless

person. Why do some of us engage in such terrible acts in our relationship?

Infidelity is not only dangerous relative to sexually transmitted diseases, it is

also risky because some very jealous lovers have done awkward things to

their partners when they suspected that the infidelity was the reason their

marriage hit the rocks. Sometimes it is very hard to advise people who are

obsessed with running around with different men or women. Only these

cheaters can shed some light into why they do what they do – especially when

they are married and or in a serious relationship and their partner is a

loving, supportive and extremely dedicated person. I have seen some extreme


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cheaters who maintain a separate home or apartment for the sole purpose of

clandestine affairs. Some people don’t even like to wear their wedding ring,

they make up excuses like, “oh it scratched my finger and irritates my hand”

or another good one, “I can’t wear any jewelry on my finger because of my

allergies.” Yet this person had more jewelry than Mr. T around their neck but

you cannot honor your marriage with a simple visible sign. Ironically, the

same people are the first person to complain when their wife or husband does

not have his or her wedding ring on. I remember what an old friend once told

me when I used a similar excuse during a conversation. The response I got

was: Who are you fooling?

“Don’t forget, Mama did not raise a dumb ass.” That’s when I knew he

wasn’t going to fall for that baloney I was trying to serve him; he knew I was

just trying to be a player by not taking my vows seriously. As a matter of fact,

when a married man or woman decides to be unfaithful in their marriage,

one thing you should keep in mind is that your partner probably won’t really

take you seriously knowing you’re already married or in a serious

relationship. In most cases, even if they end-up marrying you there will

always be a cloud of suspicion around you or them that one of you might turn

out to be a cheater too.


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QUICK TEMPER

Quick-tempered men and women are one of the reasons some of our

county jails stay open 24/7. Have you ever thought about this? When a police

station is newly-built is usually the last time their doors were closed.

Domestic violence is an epidemic. This is one area where marriages or

relationships suffer devastating blows from “Quick-to-Anger” individuals who

are not able to control their emotions at a time when control is required.

Instead, their only solution is to hit their partner as if that will make the

already messed-up situation better. When you get mad and unable to control

your anger or emotions, which ultimately causes your spouse physical pain,

that in my opinion, is bad – you’ve now turned your loving bedroom into a

“Mike Tyson’s boxing ring.” It is never okay to abuse your spouse in any

shape or form. It is always essential to remember that people may forgive but

that does not necessarily mean they will forget. When violence enters a

marriage or relationship it changes the game, you’re not in an unsheltered

territory. You can rest-assured that someone is definitely keeping a mental

journal of how many times they have been subjected to your cruel

punishment. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed, celebrated and cherished.

When abuse comes into a beautiful home it takes over and overrides the joy


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in that home. It’s like when you just finished drinking a sweet soda and then

someone gives you a lemon drink. One-thing is for sure, the taste of lemon in

the mouth usually lasts for a long time. It is easy to say I am sorry after

we’ve done so much damage to our partner but, on a serious note it can be

even easier to avoid engaging in such a behavior in the first place.

COMMUNICATION PROBLEM

Communication is the “SUPER-GLUE” that holds most good

relationships together. I cannot express the importance of looking at your

spouse in the eye and saying, “I am so sorry for screwing-up, please let’s talk

about it.” The reason why it is vital to communicate in a relationship is

because there is a strong likelihood that through communication you might

end up coming upon the root cause and perhaps a solution to your problem.

And I tell you, once you know the root cause of a problem, it is safe to say

65% of the problem is solved in my view. You can now work on the remedy in

order to completely fix the dilemma once and for all. Indeed, the right to be

mad or angry is your right in any relationship - however there is a time to let

go and allow the past to be bygone and then move-on. Whenever we exercise

our right to get mad sometimes, we should also exercise the right to forgive


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and move forward. When I first met my wife a few years ago, anytime we

disagreed about something I intended to apply a not so positive way of

dealing with the problem by shutting down the line of communication

between the two of us. I would not talk or even return her calls or any other

form of communication that she sent my way. In my view, in looking back,

this is probably the worst if not most immature way to deal with relationship

conflict. A relationship without a good line of communication is D.O.A (Dead

On Arrival) in my opinion. In order to get your point across you should be

willing to listen to the person’s concerns. You must be willing to dialogue

with that person as well– part of the discourse is talking things over and

trying to get to the bottom of the problem and ultimately moving forward.

Couples should abstain from conversing for the purpose of passing

blame. In most cases this will lead to additional problems if not a greater

headache. The problems already exist, that’s why you’re trying to talk and fix

whatever is going on between the two of you. It is always a good thing to look

for ways to avoid similar problems in the future. But to be playing TV Top

Cop, Perry Mason or Columbo is not the right prescription to fixing whatever

the problem might be. However, if one of you volunteers to take the blame

and apologize to the other party, you should still try and move-on instead of

making the person who just apologized feel bad to the point they regretted

apologizing to you in the first place. In other words, please don’t play

“Gotcha!”


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A good communicator is someone who is willing to resolve any discourse

affecting his or her marriage, and that person should be willing to practice

the following remedies. Tell the truth, don’t manipulate the facts, lay

everything on the table even when you think it hurts. Be a good listener,

refrain from cutting the other party off when it’s their time to talk or ask a

question. Don’t make them feel like they are stupid or dumb because they’re

having difficulties understanding what you’re saying. Make eye contact and

give them your undivided attention so your spouse knows you’re taking them

seriously. Please turn-off the cell-phone during serious marriage

conversation. In addition, try and use another word to let your partner know

you’re busy when they ask for your time so they can talk to you about

something important concerning the relationship. I think a substitute word

to “I am busy right now” should be something like: “Honey, can we do it in

say ten minutes or when I get home from work or what do you think?”

The last thing you want to do is appear to your spouse that you’re too

busy to hear them out whenever they ask for your time so as to talk about

whatever is going on in their mind, especially when it has to do with your

marriage. I feel when any man or woman is able to master the art of a good

communications in a marriage or relationship – it is my opinion they have

just become the “Pablo Picasso” of the Art World or the Beethoven or Luther

Vandross of the music world. As a fan of the great classic composer,

“Beethoven” he takes his time to meticulously arrange and put the music


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together to communicate with his audience in a way that makes you

remember musical messages. The late great musical orator, Luther Vandross

was known for his ability to bring love out of people through his music and

the fact that he likes things in a perfect manner. As for the larger than life

“Pablo Picasso” he was one of the greatest oil painters in the world if not the

greatest. His painting is one of the most recognized and admired in 20th-

century art exhibits. These artists were able to achieve greatness because

they are very good at what they do. What would your wife or husband

remember about your communication skills or the ability to resolve issues

without causing a scene?


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CHAPTER 6

The Old Dog!

As the saying goes, “Every dog has its day.” Sometimes it might be a good day

and in some cases not so good.. It’s no secret that most women who have been

in a relationship with a cheater. They often describe the man involved as

being a “Dog.” There are different types of dogs, there are male dogs and

female dogs. For the purpose of this chapter let’s define what a male or

female dog means relative to a relationship or in a marriage. A male “dog” in

a marriage or relationship would be someone who is morally reprehensible, a

sort of a “dirty dog.” A dog in this case would mean someone who holds zero

loyalty to their spouse and really doesn’t care who he sleeps with. He’s

always looking for sexual and egotistic fulfillment around town by breaking

all the rules associated with “LOVE.” He walks around the street non-stop

thinking with his bottom head, rather than the top one - any and every


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woman looks good to him, he lacks class or atleast refuses to respect

whichever female in his life loyal to him. These types of men can also be

referred to as the, “Married Bachelor.” He’s married with kids but still takes

women out on a date, and leaves he’s wedding ring in the glove compartment

of his car. Who is he fooling? I hope he doesn’t think his fooling his wife?

Women are sweet to men, but far from being a dumb.

By contrast, a female “dog” in my opinion can be described as someone

who considers herself attractive but on the other hand has a low self-esteem,

a kind of a frump that would do anything to “get-with” her best friend’s

husband. She has excuses for everything that is not going so well in her life.

The strange thing is, she’s willing to take down any happily married man just

because the dude is too weak to recognize she’s a danger to his marriage. This

type of woman only thinks with one part of their brain, they also thinks all

men want one-thing from a woman, I don’t think I need to tell you what that

thing is. Let me ask you this question. How many “Old dogs” do you know

who take time to vacuum the house, clean the rug, and fold the laundry so his

wife or significant other can have a nice relaxing day? The guy is too busy

logging onto Facebook 24/7 and mySpace constantly surfing the singles

website and looking for love on Yahoo and all these other matchmaker

websites. There are women out there who are happily married to a good man,

but they are busy looking for “Heartless men”, the type of men who will use

them and abuse them all in the name of sexual adventure and free money. If


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you want to waste your time one day, I say try to stake out in the front of this

woman’s house in the hope of seeing them with their hubby. Well, I have

news for you, I don’t think they go anywhere with their wife or husband –

except in some cases to the police station when he or she is in trouble with

the law and needs their spouse to bail him or her out. Otherwise, it will take

an Act of Congress for you to see both of them together at the mall or

catching a movie together or at a good restaurant laughing and enjoying each

other’s company. This is the norm in my opinion but not the norm for the

“Old Dogs.”

Before I forget, I hear this expression sometimes, “I just want to go out

and have guy’s night out” and vice versa. What they should both have said is,

“I need to have ‘Hoe’s night out.’” Sometimes, the problem is not for you not

to go out with your friends every now and then, the issue is it’s always good

to go to this tempting places with your significant other so you two can enjoy

the place as a couple. But if you have to go out every weekend without your

spouse, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come home at 3 or 4 in the

morning and smelling like you just took a bath with Hennessy. I think from a

reasonable loving husband or a wife, it will appear as if you don’t care about

his or her feelings. You might as well declare this whole marriage thing a

JOKE and invite spectators to come and laugh at your scripts.

I hear you saying: “Oh no! That’s not true; you are so unreasonable.”

Well, say what the heck you want to say, all I know is that, I won’t do that to


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you, so don’t do that to me. You can either keep your marriage or you can just

keep the bars and clubs that come with it. And for those mates, who are in

the business of trying to catch their cheating spousal, good luck to you and

your endeavors – but before you say thank you. I would like you to remember

that, Hollywood Television Lawyer, Perry Mason was so good he only lost one

case throughout his tenure, that case however was “the case of the deadly

verdict.” I am saying this to suggest that these guys who cheat and lie to

their spouse are sometimes not an amateur. It takes skills, coordination,

rehearsal and occasional friends to help the cheaters collaborate their lying

behind when their spouse are asking questions.

Transparency - Lies and Deceits

A few weeks ago when I took my daughter, Paresha, to school in the

morning I asked her opinion on what type of men she would like to date when

she’s older. Paresha is 14 years old and she’s very smart and articulate. I was

surprised to hear her response. She began by saying, “I cannot date a man

that lies to me, someone that keeps too many secrets and is hard to take

serious.” This is a conversation with a young lady about to turn fifteen years

old, can you imagine what kind of response that will come out of a grown

woman – without a doubt it will be similar if not identical or in Hillary

Clinton’s word, “Xerox.” The point I am trying to make is, if my daughter who

is not of dating age already knows what qualities she wants her future


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boyfriend or husband to have., can you imagine what a grown woman would

say if confronted with the same question. The moral of the story is a lot of

women if not all women want an honest man, someone who will not lie to

them or keep secrets from them.

This whole lies and transparency discussion reminds me of an ex-

friend of mine. The only thing truthful about this “brother” is the color of his

skin, everything else is a big lie. I decided to drop him after an incident a

couple of years ago involving a young lady. Anyway, my buddy called me one

Friday evening to invite me to a Club in Memphis called, “Round One” in

order to socialize. I have known this guy for a while and I know he hangs

around different women but this time I was a bit nosy to find out how and

where this college student that he called, “The Sh**t.” It was about 10

minutes after my buddy and I landed at the “Round One” bar that a beautiful

young lady showed-up. She was about 22 years old, petite and about 5”3 in

height, smooth skin and a bit light in complexion – in the word of my buddy,

she’s a AAA satisfactory; I must admit this young college girl was a head

turner. Enough said, after the end of the night I asked my friend where he

met the girl and his response was fantastic.

He began by saying he had run into her at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta

Airport on his way to Memphis. They were both at the airport’s magazine

stand when he approached her and she was very candid and the rest was

history. I asked him if he thinks she’s the one, but his response was, “Maybe”


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but then added that it would take an Act of Congress to reverse all the lies he

had told her already.

I asked, “For real? What lies are you talking about, Bud?”

He said, “Femi, I did it this time.”

I asked, “What are you talking about? Speak!”

That’s when he spit out the whole shebang. My friend said he had lied

and said he works as a pilot for FedEx and that he lives in Dade County,

Miami, Florida. The funniest thing is, my friend lives on the West Side of

Memphis, and I am not sure if he has ever been to Florida, much less owned

a fine house in Miami. As silly as the whole lie sounds to me, his new

girlfriend fell for it because she’s naïve and failed to do her research. She

wanted to believe in her heart that she had just hit the jackpot, I guess. Now,

without a doubt a relationship such as this, if it ever leads to marriage, we all

know that it will take a lot to convince such a lady to trust men again. A

relationship that was founded on the basis of false pretexts will undoubtedly

be unsuccessful in the long run if the parties involved are not willing to put

childish play behind and be straight up honest with each other.

I sometimes feel that people who lie so much to get a partner are

delusional and it’s sometimes necessary when dealing with a certified liar to

confront them before their lies hypnotize you into thinking they actually love

you and that’s why they are creating illusions. One thing we should all keep

in mind is that when a man or a woman lies to you and they get away with it,


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it makes them feel good, not necessarily because they think you’re a fool but

for the thrill of getting away with it. There are some people who cannot tell

the truth, and are in fact pathological liars. In the case of my friend who is a

“pilot” in his mind, this type of man is what I call the “Weather Man or

Weather Woman,” a.k.a W.M and W.W. I said this because everything about

them changes too often just like the weather. I don’t know of anyone who is

able to master the act of reading the weather correctly 100% of the time with

every forecast. And when you talk to the weather experts, they will be the

first to tell you that forecasting is projecting and projection is never based on

accuracy. In other words, you’re at your own risk of being hit with a

SURPRISE if you let your emotions wrap around the weatherman. I am sorry

to break it to you, but you’re going to need an umbrella for the rest of your

life if not eternally.


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CHAPTER 7

Too good to be true? Believe it!

I was reading the United States Navy SEAL’s creed one day and I was very

surprised about something in their creed. The Creed goes as follows: “My

loyalty to country and team is beyond reproach. I humbly serve as a guardian

to my fellow Americans, always ready to defend those who are unable to

defend themselves. I do not advertise the nature of my work, nor seek

recognition for my actions. I voluntarily accept the inherent hazards of my

profession, placing the welfare and security of others before my own. I serve

with honor on and off the battlefield. The ability to control my emotions and

my actions, regardless of circumstance, sets me apart from other men. In the

absence of orders I will take charge, lead my teammates and accomplish the

mission. I will never quit. I persevere and thrive on adversity. My nation

expects me to be physically harder and mentally stronger than my enemies.

If knocked down, I will get back up, every time. I will draw on every


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remaining ounce of strength to protect my teammates and to accomplish our

mission. I am never out of the fight."

I love the Navy SEAL creed because there are actually women and

men who had pledged a love oath to one another and they take this oath of

loyalty, honesty and dedication to each other seriously without any pre-

conditions. As skeptical as some of us are when we meet new people – we

need to understand there are trustworthy and serious men and women out

there in both marriage and the single’s world. Occasionally when we’re

blessed enough to meet them we’re too cautious to let our true emotional

feeling transcend to our mate. In some cases we’re so busy protecting our

feelings from being hurt again rather than spending time to let our partner

know how much we love and care about them. The most important thing to

always remember is to carefully move forward. It’s OK to be cautious but

please don’t unload all your previous relationship “baggage” to this new

person because he or she has nothing to do with whatever transpired in your

prior relationship dilemma. It’s only fair that you honestly give this new

person a chance without making them feel uncomfortable around you. One

example I will point out is, for instance, you’re a new employee who just

started a job with another company. In the past they’ve had very bad

employees who have attendance problems and among other things are

incompetent. How would you like your new employer to treat you? Yes, I get

it! I am sure you want them to see you for who you are and not judge you and


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your record by their last employee’s problems. It is logical to apply the same

sense of trust when dealing with serious relationships when you have

problems believing your husband or wife is “too good to be true.”

Indeed, I agree there are people out there who have different motives

for being in a relationship other than love, but not every man or woman

shares their principles and viewpoint. When I was growing up my father

always used this metaphor to explain to me not to tune people out because

people sometimes do change if they have a desire to, especially if they

understand that their behavior or attitude is not the norm. My father would

say, “If you close your eyes because a bad person is about to walk across your

front and you don’t want to see him or her – you also may have missed the

opportunity to see a good person walk-by as well. Because, while your eyes

remained closed, a good person was also walking by at the same-time.” The

whole metaphor is to suggest that you need to be careful not to miss the

opportunity to see a good person walk by because you’re so mad and decided

that you do not want to see or hear this person at all. But ironically everyone

has potential for good in them and there is the likelihood that you might end-

up meeting or get introduced to someone special through someone who has

been written-off by you.

Often I hear this phrase, “I forgive you.” My question to you is, do you

really forgive him or her? Because being human we say a lot of things

sometimes but to actually put the words into action might be difficult


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sometimes. I say this because, when someone apologizes to us and we say, “I

forgive you,” that’s a very powerful commitment to the person seeking our

forgiveness. Too often, whomever we said it to didn’t even take us seriously

because some people find it so hard if not impossible to forgive people. I am

not taking anything away from that person’s wrongdoing, all I am suggesting

is we truly need to make a good faith effort to forgive from our heart of

hearts. Is your forgiving proclamation “too good to be true?” This book is

about marriage, life and some of the reasons for us not to drop the ball with

our marriage life and our relationship in general. I think we all can build a

stronger and better relationship with both our spouses and friends as well.

One thing to keep in mind when dealing with forgiveness for people’s

wrongdoing, is you saying that you’re now willing to give this person another

chance. I am someone with deep compassion and I believe that words do

matter. I tell my kids all the time, “Say what you mean, and do what you say

– because the only thing people have to judge or go by at that moment is

whatever you tell them or promise to do. Thus, please don’t say something

unless you’re willing to let your actions back it up.” I remember recently my

older son, Jordan, was a bit worried about what he was going to wear for his

prom night. While I was talking to him I sensed he wanted my help so I

volunteered to buy him a nice tuxedo. However, I was having difficulties

locating his size. I looked everywhere but still was unsuccessful. To make a

long story short, his prom night was the next day and I was still not able to


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find it, but I kept looking and I went to various Menswear stores and I finally

located one at the last minute. I was able to get it to him on time. I am

sharing this story with you because I take my obligations seriously. I always

try to set good examples, especially when it comes to promising to do

something. This is very vital for someone to be true to their words.

In my household when my wife tells me something I don’t have to go

behind her and double check to see if she’s telling me the truth. Or, like the

word of one Corporate Management Trainee facilitator, she said: “I need

boots for what you got me standing on.” It basically means I am fully

protected from the bull**** you’re telling me. As for me and my family, we’re

open and honest with each other, because we realized long ago to always say

whatever we mean and do whatever we say. And if for some unforeseen

reason one of us was not able to carry our obligations out, we normally

communicate with each-other so we’re both on the same page. Most people

that I know like people who are really honest and direct when it comes to

things they say to others relative to promises and marriage obligations.

A majority of married couples and people in a serious relationship

want the same thing most people want. They want to be happy and know

that they are married to a very good person who has their best interests at

heart. I am not delusional and do not have any illusion that every spouse

tells the truth to their partner. One thing that I know for sure is if you do

what you say and say what you mean to your husband or wife, this will


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enhance your marriage. Most people make the mistake of saying: “Well, the

reason why I don’t want to tell him or her is because I was trying to protect

his or her feelings from being hurt.” I tell those people this: “Let him or her

make decisions about what would hurt their feelings in a honest discussion.”

Sometimes you may think that whatever you decided not to tell your

partner might be that thing that might turn your relationship problems

around for the better. I used to think like that before, I used to withhold

information from my wife, but if my wife is like your spouse, she will always

find out anyway and when she doesn’t she gets really mad and quiet. She will

often say something like, “Sweetie, please let me decide for myself what

constitutes my feelings being hurt. I hate when you don’t come clean with

things for me.” Ever since that time, I have learned to lay everything on the

line, even when it’s so messy and hard to talk about. I always find a way to

let the truth be known. Some things that we run into in our relationship are

too good to be true. Of course, they might be true but at least have an open

mind and truly give the wrongdoer a chance to redeem themselves if that’s

what you intended to do. It’s always good to say, “I forgive you,” but

practicing and holding yourself accountable to follow through with the

“forgiveness” promises you made can be challenging. As the late Barry White

once sang, “Practice what you preach.” I tell my oldest son, Jordan, to make

sure whatever he said or promised to do to help others out, he should always

fulfill his promises – words do matter!


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CHAPTER 8

Feeling the Blues

It’s an understatement to say many women work very hard to take care of

their family’s need, especially if the woman is married to a man who does not

like to take charge of the house bills, nor help with raising their children.

Sometimes the same type of man does not like to help his wife or partner

with simple errands. Many women especially will tell you they would rather

share the house responsibilities with their spouse rather that do all the work

themselves. Let’s take a look at it from a fairness perspective. One person

does all the planning for the family, all the shopping, all the errands and all

the preparations – as you can see, there are lots of “all” in the responsibilities

listed above. No one like to do “all” before they start “feeling the blues” of

being the only person doing everything to keep the family happy. Without a


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doubt, it won’t take long before he or she starts to feel overwhelmed and in

most cases becomes unhappy with their relationship.

There are many ways one can feel relationship “blues.” For example,

you and your partner are always working non-stop, no time for exercise or

relaxation from work or other professional activities that are demanding.

Secondly, you’re so unhappy with many things relative to work and your

personal life that you have not been sleeping well. We all know that when

someone continues to deprive themselves of good sleep, it won’t take long

before he or she breaks down due to emotional and or psychological stress. On

top of all these artificial problems your spouse claims he or she is too busy to

spend quality time with you. It won’t take long before disaster will hit. How

would you feel when you work so hard every-day for your family, yet your

husband or wife did not take time to start quality time with you. No matter

how beautiful or how much money you make every paycheck, if your

marriage or love life is not in good order, you will always feel a vacuum.


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WHEN?

This is the reason why its always good to take time and enjoy your

partner by going shopping together, catching a movie together, eating

together at the same dining table, kissing each other and rubbing each

other’s hand every moment you’re together. Writing each-other nice notes on

Facebook or as simple as a note on the dresser before you leave home for

work in the morning are positive ideas as well. When was the last time you

called your wife or husband at work or while they’re away from home or even

somewhere in the house on their cell phone just to say, “I love you.” I call this

“goofy-love” and my wife and I are both experts when it comes to “goofy-love.”

We sometimes send text messages to each-other from one bedroom just to

say, “I love you,” or to express our love for each other non-stop. I say this

because it is absolutely necessary to be your husband or your wife’s

cheerleader. We all go through so many life challenges every day. It covers

everything from bill collectors calling without reason, to your doctor just

called and gave you the news on that test you recently had, or the end of the

month is approaching and you’re still struggling with how you’re going to pay

the house note. Or it could be that your only car has just been “repoed”, kids

were just expelled from school for fighting, etc. I list all these possible


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expected and unanticipated life “blues” to tell you that there are so many

things that can be going on in people’s life and one thing that is critical to go

right is your marriage or relationship. There has to be a place in your life

that you can call, serenity, we all need peace with the absence of mental

stress and fretfulness in our marriage or relationship.

So, knowing what you know now, when are you going to start to make

your partner happy without pre-condition? When are you going to love him or

her without a “quid pro quo” attitude because your husband or wife is your

shadow, and the last time I checked; you do not ask something in return by

allowing your shadow to follow you around.

WHY?

Some people spend a majority of their time being mad at other people

at work or in the grocery store or at other places. The strangest thing that

some wives or husbands always complain about is that, my spouse comes

home not speaking or mad at someone wherever he or she was coming from. I

asked what was wrong, but he or she refused to speak and eventually

transferred all that negative energy to their innocent husband or wife for no

apparent reason. Why did he or she allow external negative unpleasant

energies to infiltrate their relationship? Just because we had a bad day at


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work or school does not mean we should punish our partner for something

they had nothing to do with. You know what this tells me? I believe you’re

interested in tearing down your own relationship in order to justify your

uncontrollable emotional feelings.

WHAT?

Treat your partner the way you want to be treated; however, if you

want to be treated in a “messed-up” way, ask your partner if it is OK to treat

them in a “messed-up” way before you do it – this process is called,

“permission to mess you up.” I am sure your request is certainly going to be

denied because most people that I know like their spouse to treat them with

lots of love, respect, consideration and a great deal of compassion. It is very

easy for a little mistake or something so irrelevant to take center stage in our

relationship therefore causing a larger dismay and ultimately creating a

sense of experiencing the “blues” in the marriage or relationship. I have not

heard too many stories concerning a married couple who files for a divorce

without first going through a relationship “blues.” This includes and is not

limited to: arguing, yelling at each other nearly every day, stop making love,

fighting, not wanting to come home after work, can’t stand the sight of him or


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her, verbal abuse, stop being affectionate to each other, would not look at him

or her in a more passionate way anymore, both refused to sleep in the same

bed at night, no more kissing or holding each other at night time and my

number one relationship blues, no more communication at all. My question to

you is what happened to “I love you?” Or “I want to spend the rest of my life

with you?” Don’t tell me, but I guess since you’re now going through the

“blues” words don’t matter anymore. Right?

The principles surrounding the “blues” in my view are directly and

indirectly tied to actions of one partner in most cases causing the other

partner to react either positively or negatively. It usually starts with he did

that or she acted this way or talk to me like this or like that and that’s why I

won’t make love to her anymore or even speak to her at all. I know it sounds

extreme but who can predict what people will say or do when they’re mad at

you. So, knowing what you know now, how do you plan to avoid being

caught-up in “Feeling the blues” webs? Always remember that every action or

inaction that you generate to others in most cases has a reaction factor, so if

you can’t take it, please don’t dish it out. Because before you know it,

whatever you output, positive or negative it will be right back at you directly

or indirectly. The last time I checked, they called that boomerang. Seriously

speaking, this is one deadly and painful tool that we don’t want to hit our

head from behind when we’re not watching or paying attention to the attack

from the enemy.


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CHAPTER 9

The Beginning of the End

I was in a training class recently and I passed a notebook around during one

of our breaks. My reason was to get to my classmates opinion regarding the

“Do’s and Don’t” of a marriage or relationship. The response I got from

thirteen professional men and women was very interesting. Here are their

responses:

Do’s & Don’ts Communicate Don’t lie or withhold information Be faithful Don’t argue with your mate Trust one another Don’t hide things from your mate Accept and respect each other’s differences Don’t hide your financial situation Truly listen to your mate Don’t allow others in your business Share wealth with each other Don’t be selfish Work on making the relationship easy Don’t sweat the small stuff Talk it out when frustrated or angry Don’t lose yourself Be friends first Don’t play with each other’s emotions Equally yoke Don’t take other person for granted


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Total Integrity Don’t be a fault finder Always kiss and say I love you when leaving Don’t fight dirty Appreciate one another Don’t humiliate your spouse Spend time together and away from each other Avoid name calling during argument Have your own life and friends Don’t disrespect each other’s parents

This whole lists of Do’s and Don’t seems a lot but, in reality couples

sometimes argues or fight over what some people will call, “stupid stuff.” On

a serious note, usually small things or minute problems or arguments

normally snowball to a bigger issue. This is why I think it is necessary to

address any hard-pressing issue up front with objectiveness in mind. On top

of everything that was discussed above, I strongly believe one of the

characteristics of a marriage or a relationship is your ability to approach it

like as partnership, because historically any good partnership always worked

together to achieve a common goal – which in most cases is success. It is an

understatement to say any partner who decided or failed to pull their part of

the responsibility to make the team a success is working together to achieve a

common goal, in this case, for the benefit of their marriage or relationship.

For example, when you and your spouse are not of the same accord, it makes

it hard for the two of you to accomplish your vision and mission. You have a

responsibility to avoid fighting, bickering and living separately or having

internal strife will be contrary to your ability to achieve marriage or

relationship GREATNESS!

Be the spouse with the spirit of excellence in your marriage or

relationship, making this a standard means you will not settle for a below the

standard grade. Most people with good positive marriages will tell you, the

best partner is one who helps bring the best out of them – and not one who

constantly argues, fights, disrespects them, is disloyal, curses at them all the

time, nor ever truthfully loves their partner. Anyone who refuses to grow

their marriage or relationship towards a positive light is at a disadvantage


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and it’s just a matter of time before they are confronted with the reality of

their actions or inaction. When I say their “actions or inaction” I am referring

to periods in the marriage life when you both are facing foreseen and

unforeseen major or minor marital headaches that in other words constitute

a conflict. These are defining moments because some people stop speaking to

their spouses altogether, in a strategy that does not work for the good of the

relationship but rather the opposite. The silent treatment approach is one of

the most unproductive, sluggish and childish ways to get attention from your

partner. Let me ask you a question. What message or idea are you trying to

express by being “silent” and not speaking to your loved one?

OK, I get it, please, don’t tell me.

You’re mad, and were trying to let them know you’re not happy with

whatever took place between y’all. Right? Then if that’s the case say you’re

not happy with whatever happened and that you would like to talk about it

and see what he or she says, after that. Please, let’s not be in some sort

illusion or just assume by not talking to your partner that just simply means

whatever you or he or she is upset about will simply disappear into the

Cosmos?

A very long time ago, I used to be that guy who held it all in and

wouldn’t say anything to my girlfriend or wife. On the contrary I relied

heavily on other people around me by talking and dumping all my frustration

on them by talking their heads off. Not long ago I learned to talk things over

when the person who offended me, rather than “Cosmo”, because that

obviously won’t help resolve our disagreement. I had a friend that loved to

send emails to everyone about his marital problems. When I say send emails

I mean send emails to four to five group of friends that he trusted and

considered them “best friends” and fiercely loyal to each other. However, the

only problem is, these four to five friends also have best friends who are

fiercely loyal to each and every one of them as well. Anyway, to make a long


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story “petit”, he and his wife had a big argument one weekend while they

were away at their retreat. The first opportunity he had with a computer and

the Internet was to send details of everything that had happened to his so-

called, “clansmen.” As you know, we human beings are prone to errors and

it’s something inevitable that we make an error without knowing. Anyway,

one of his loyal friends had just received the email with all their sex life

details and how he plans to as he puts it, “let her go” as soon as they got back

home. He was going to call his lawyer right away to start the paperwork; and

he was going to give her a “shocker” like this was some kind of an

employment job termination. Thus, one of his friends accidentally forwarded

the message to his wife’s email address, because he was trying to forward it

to another lady he knows but the message ended up at his friend’s Blackberry

phone while the husband was supposed to send his school assignment, due by

that midnight, to his professor. Whatever happened after that was, the stuff

hit the ceiling fan and she went “Armageddon” after she got the message

inadvertently. I don’t need to tell you who got fired from their martial job

after they got home that day.

The moral of the story is be conscious of your partner’s privacy, to have

your partner’s “dirty laundry” all over the Internet and your friend’s

“Blackberry” phone-text messages is not a productive way to resolve conflict.

I feel you’re both better off discussing your marriage problem or concern with

your wife or husband in the privacy of your home or somewhere away from

any third party’s influence, especially when they are not invited into the

conversation by both of you. First of all, everyone else can only go by

whatever you or both tell them was wrong. Secondly, always remember that,

just because you considered someone your best friend that doesn’t mean they

do not have another person they themselves consider their “best friend,”

because that’s just the way life is sometimes.


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The whole idea of keeping marital conversations private is meant to

protect the integrity of the marriage. My father once said: “I will not take a

medical recommendation from someone who has never tried the medication.”

Some married couples sometimes listen to people who have never been

married before, never mind a long-term serious relationship. How can a

person like that understand what couples go through? And as a general rule,

you don’t want to say everything about your wife or husband to other people

anyway. It doesn’t matter because they raised you and you trusted them with

your life. Well, marriage and serious relationships involve two people’s lives

and I think it’s only fair that you don’t air your dirty laundry. There are so

many things that couples do to create artificial headaches for themselves. For

example, you just had a small heated conversation with your wife or

husband, but instead of you talking it over you in turn jump on the Internet.

I am not sure if you are trying to send messages to God for help or you’re

indirectly seeking opinions from your loyal friends who of course stay on

MySpace, Facebook and or Twitter round the clock. You might as well go on

CNN and place an advertisement for airtime with Larry King Live so you can

have a larger audience!


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CHAPTER 10

Put on the Brakes

What would happen if your spouse did not change for the better? Can you go

through another day, month or year like the last ones? Are you ready for a

new beginning in your marriage or relationship? Why do you think you don’t

know the answers? What makes you think you have a plan to fix this never

ending unhappy marriage or relationship? It seems quite a lot of questions,

but I can assure you there are people out there with more questions than

answers concerning their marriage or relationship life. I once said, if you

think you have it worse, wait till you see what’s happening next door. Your

problem is Mickey Mouse considering what others have endured and are still

going through as we speak or as you’re reading this book. I am not

discounting the gravity of your concern or situation, all I am saying is no

condition is permanent.


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Sometime it’s good to take a moment to investigate why your spouse is

having difficulties in the area of: affection, passion, compassion, support,

unconditional love, compliments, admiration, helping with the kids, support

during hard-times, not being self-centered, selfish, feel superior over you,

won’t listen to your concern, always disrespectful and or thinks he married

you by accident. I hate those feelings. Just thinking about it. I once said,

there are 100 sides to every story involving husband and wife, it is very hard

sometimes to completely make an objective assessment without being caught

in the middle of their web. That’s why it’s always advisable to help them

work it out by staying as neutral as humanly possible without appearing to

be on one side or the other. This I must tell you is a challenge so complex that

you just have to listen and make a sound like: Humm!! OK!!! Really, I got it!!

Be patient. Take it easy, I am praying for you both, etc. Because the next

thing you know, they are back together full-force the next couple of days.

Guess who will be their talking point when they make-up and are both

cuddled up together in bed? You and the Advisors in-Chief that suggested the

husband or the wife to leave his wife or divorce her husband!

In light of anything and everything that happens to us in life, we must

learn to resist the temptation of a quick decision, especially when the issue is

about your marriage or relationship. Don’t feel like people or your friends will

feel or insinuate your cool and collected decision to be an act of being a

“punk.” I fundamentally disagree with the idea of throwing-in the towel at


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your marriage or relationship just because you’re trying to show the people

advising you that you’re well able to walk away. Sometimes if you walk

away, you might not be allowed to come back home, fool!! Please use your

head and don’t allow all these other no good for “Jack” people push you out

there into a no man’s land. It’s always very easy to think the grass is greener

on the other side, what you don’t know is that, the other side is a mirage and

they are just using artificial green chemical called: Tru-green. You won’t of

course know until you cross over to the other side and that’s when the reality

hits like an avalanche. Then you suddenly wake-up one day realizing that

you’re better off at home with your spouse to work things out than be

hanging around with this current ZERO. Remember, life on the street is not

easy for a once married man or a woman; you need to have a long spoon to be

able to dine with the devil. This metaphor means, there are a lot of marriages

and fraudulent lovers out on the street constantly looking for vulnerable men

and women so that they can take over the remaining dignity that is left in

them after leaving a horrible relationship. Keep in mind the street hawkers

are sometimes looking for opposites of what you’re looking for. Their motive

might be the almighty dollar, sex or a place to lay their head since they don’t

have a real secure place of their own or in some cases, they hate the idea of

paying bills every month.

What would it take for you to realize you need to put on the brakes,

before you run into a big truck without any auto insurance? Because the last


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time I checked, anytime an accident involves a big truck, it’s usually fatal. I

pray that’s not your fate. But as you know, if you don’t study for exams the

likelihood of your passing or getting an excellent grade is zero to nil. This is

the reason why I am suggesting that you need to do your homework before

you rush out of your marriage because you’re not happy with what is going

now at this time. Nobody is asking you not to vacate your marriage if your

life is in danger or if the condition is deteriorating; however, make sure you

have plan B ready to go if things do not work out.

As funny as it may sound right now, commitment is a process by itself,

thus anyone who has a committed relationship must be willing to go through

certain ups and downs that comes with the process. Don’t let anybody fool

you, even President Barack Obama and his wife, though “lovey dobby” on TV,

have their own ups and down. I don’t know of any marriage that is free of

occasional problems or misunderstandings. Marriage is a process and process

involves other’s participation, which in this case is your spouse. Keep in mind

that some people came from a broken home. They really have never

experienced commitment and marriage loyalty as you were brought up. That

is why you need to understand your partner’s state of mind and most

importantly how you can help him or her to know you’re real and that you’re

there for them for life. Let’s not turn a blind eye that some people are abused

as a kid and they had not received the treatment they long deserved because

they are probably ashamed or uncomfortable that people might look at them


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funny or reject them. If you’re married to such a person, it is possible that his

or her animosity that he or she carried in her head or heart might come out

every now and then towards you subconsciously. Also, make no mistake that

some people just hate the idea of a longtime relationship or married for life

type scenario – they would rather just sleep with you and move on without

any strings attached. Sometimes people just can’t handle the idea of being

married, period. They were probably pressured into it because of their age,

Mom and Dad pressure, everyone is getting married syndrome might be

another factor why they decided to do it and other times it might just be

because they needed a roommate to pay half of the bills and nothing else.

Ask your partner this question: Honey, why did you marry me? I hope

the response you get is what you’re looking for. If not, keep working on your

mate and make sure you are in a loving relationship, because I tend to

believe, love conquers a lot of relationship problems.

“A good open and hones communication, which comes from the heart of hearts, will help carry your marriage through thick and thin.”


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CHAPTER 11

Proceed with Caution

Just like the chapter recommends, “Proceed with Caution.” I believe if two

people love each other and trust each other, there is no mountain they could

not climb together, there is no obstacle they could not defeat, nor any

interference they are not able to tune out. It’s all in your ability to work

things out and stay together as one. The days of putting 50% effort each way

is gone, it is now time to put in 100% of effort on both sides and see what

happened to your marriage or relationship. Without a doubt it must grow and

grow to be successful in all areas. It is an understatement to say the truth

doesn’t strike after the marriage, it always does. However, this is when

couples need to understand what brought them together in the first place,

restrict them from focusing on the negativity that is trying to destroy their

relationship at all costs. There has to be a compromised way two of you can


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embark on and proceed with caution throughout the difficult times in your

marriage or relationship so you can reach a positive destination.

Have you asked yourself lately, is there something I am doing in this

relationship that is making my spouse question my commitment? Remember,

where there is action, there is reaction. The next question is, why do you not

want to listen to me anymore whenever we talk about our marriage? Ask if

there is anything you can do to turn the ship around. Ask if there is still a

way you can show your heart to him or her. The road to any success is not an

easy endeavor, but we can get to any destination if we put our mind, body

and soul to work for whatever we believe to be the right thing. Whenever

your partner decides to express or explore the possibility of a resolution

between you both, please do not cut him or her off or pass judgment. If that

was me, I would just observe and listen so that you don’t get defensive and

then lose the opportunity to get to the bottom of the problem. This is a good

weapon to use, because if you’re deemed to be a good listener, your partner

can admire that part of you and in turn decide to allow the other nonsense

about you to slide.

If you don’t have one, please get a marriage philosophy. Mine is as

follows: “Stay Married and live happy together.” Marriage in my opinion is

neither a joke nor a job. There are no bosses and we’re all equal and married

to each other. Thus, there must need to be sincere and unconditional love

plus due respect on both sides. I have no illusions that problems will come,


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but I am also aware that it will depart at one point. The only way the

problem can stay longer is if we allow the marriage problem to stay with us.

We decide, we control, we approve and we disagree with whatever the

marital problem brings to us. My father once said: “Whatever does not have a

mouth to talk back to you, it certainly is not smarter than you.” The one-way

they will be smarter than you is if you allowed that to take root or you

decided to overlook or underestimate their effectiveness in your life. I hate to

break it to you, it might be the very thing that put your marriage or

relationship on the path to disaster. When I finally got married to the woman

of my dreams, I decided that I would adopt some happiness key principles

into my marriage. They are as follows:

• Always assume positive intentions

• Relish your partner by showing him or her love at the peak level

• Practice the act of accepting and loving yourself first

• Make your mind up to love until death do you part

• Appreciate and admire everyone who crosses paths with you, don’t

hold grudges against people. You’re simply allowing that person(s) to

control you like a remote control

• Stay away from a defeated mind frame, even when things look a bit

uncertain in your relationship – stay strong and keep working on the

positive side of your marriage or relationship.


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If you’re not certain of what to do next, remain calm and collected until you

gather your thoughts. Making hasty decision in a critical state of mind is not

a very good idea in my view. There are those who think they don’t need to

read any book or listen to anyone who had gone through similar situations in

the past, and that’s their right. I hope you’re also ready to face the drum by

yourself when it’s time to dance to your own beat of ignorance. Historically,

nobody knows it all. Where some people stop in the attainment of knowledge,

is where some other person started from. What does that tell you about

human beings? It means we’re not made equal. If anyone can take time to do

research on the best restaurant, food, drinks, hotel, shopping malls,

politicians, and house/apartment – they should be willing to take time to

study their mate for the interest of peace of mind and a happy married life. Is

this too much to ask, ladies and gentlemen? I don’t think so. Right?

A good marriage or relationship in my opinion does not have a CEO or

President of the Home, but rather Partnership. No one should hold the

position of the ultimate Boss in a marriage; marriage is about the act of

managing each other. We’re in this together and we can only make it out

successfully if we operate with one common goal and vision. This is a lifetime

commitment, which comes with GREAT responsibilities.


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CHAPTER 12

Forgive & Forget

I am a lover of quotes, idiomatic expression and metaphors. I think it gives

you reason to think when you read or listen to profound words. Here are some

of my own favorites:

• Positive thinking must be a sense of responsibility among humanity.

• Negativity is a temporary state of mind that seeks to dwell for eternity,

resist the thought without pre-condition and you will be fine.

• A person that allows another individual to influence them to the point

of not speaking to each other basically gave the person the key to his or

her self happiness.

• Don’t blame me because I optioned to remain positive, even when all

hope seems dead.

• The key to success is first having a successful mindset that you can do

the impossible.

As easy as it seems for both the mouth and the teeth to live together in our

mouth, they sometimes fight too. This is when you accidentally bite your lip

or occasionally and inadvertently bite your tongue. The reason behind this


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expression is to tell you that everybody is prone to argument or occasional

misunderstandings in any relationship. It is my opinion that married couples

have obligations to pass wisdom, responsibilities and basic marriage

principles that can prepare their children for what is inevitable. How can you

pass such a touch when you and your wife or your loved ones are always

arguing and fighting non-stop? The words forgive and forget to both of you

sounds like Algebra or shall I say Calculus mathematics. Why are you both

not getting along? When is this mess going to end? Why are you still there if

you know there is no way for him or her to be with you forever? Is it the

children that you’re afraid for? Is it your parents or your peers at work? What

is the actual thing that is keeping you in this relationship, even though

you’re not happy being there? These are the questions that you need to

answer for yourself; sometimes you might need to dig into your heart of

hearts to answer them. No one knows you like you know yourself; no one can

truly answer these questions for you unless you offered them some part of

your brain as auxiliaries for thinking. Basically, I am saying nobody knows

you like you do. If you’re unable to answer your own questions, that tells me

you are either confused or you are so overloaded and overwhelmed with

situational information that you need to find a way to unload the garbage.

There has to be a good reason why you married her or him in the first place,

nobody put a gun to your head and said, “If you don’t marry this man or this

woman you’re dead.” If that’s the case that someone forced you by putting a

gun to your head, you should be dialing 911 right now and calling the Police

or FBI to come help you out☺!

This is my piece of advice for you. I know you always aim for the

highest of the high, when it comes to things that you want to accomplish in

life. At the same time, please bear in mind that your husband or wife might

not have the same energy or drive as you. This is when you need to take a

moment and look for the best in your partner. Don’t always focus all your


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energy on the things they do, or not do right, but rather the ones they are

good at. It is not uncommon to experience disappointment at each other,

especially when you put them on a high pedestal. Always remember that

we’re all human and that we’re far from being perfect specimens. Remember

that anytime you nag and criticize one another, no doubt this will invite

stress and discord. We all know what comes after a horrible and unpleasant

marital argument. I love the words FORGIVE and FORGET, but on a serious

note how many people do you know who actually forgive and forget? I can

honestly say not too many people can completely let go of the pain others

caused them. It’s been proven millions of times that, a true forgiveness brings

peace to the heart and allows you and your partner to move forward into a

state of serenity. In other words, you have just created a peaceful atmosphere

that will re-allow your love to start to grow back again. I hate to break it to

you but, God will not come down to plead on your wife or husband’s behalf for

you to forgive him or her. It is up to you to find it in your heart to let go of

whatever your partner has done to hurt you. Even after you forgive him or

her, it is advisable for you let your partner be themselves and not hold them

to a higher standard because you have just forgiven them. Such an affront

will be deemed as living in a hustle environment, and we don’t want that, do

we? Of course not. The goal of a good marriage or relationship is to live in

peace and harmony; there is no cause for alarm except the one we decided to

create on our own.


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Tough One!

Here are the tough questions that I would like to pose to you before

you shred this book:

• When was the last time you kissed him or her passionately like

you just meant it?

• When was the last time you made love to him or her like your

body can’t wait?

• Why is it that you mysteriously seem to forget his or her

birthday, but you always remember your mom and dad’s

birthday?

• Did you ever remember to ask after making love, if she enjoyed

it before you ran to the bathroom? Oh, I am sorry, she did not

ask you for anything else. Yeah right! Since you got yours,

everything else can wait.

• How come you have multiple email addresses that your wife or

husband does not know about? OK, I get it, it’s for work, right?

• Is it true that you don’t like to buy roses for your spouse because

you don’t believe in that nonsense? Yet, you spend your entire

lunch time at the flower shop for your girlfriend or guy friend’s

birthday. I thought we should always put our partner first. Oh, I

am sorry, you’re exempt from that love rule number 1.

• Why it is that everybody knows your whereabouts every day,

except your spouse. What are you hiding and who are you hiding

from?

• What does he or she need to do to win your love again?

• What would it take to re-discover that magical moment that you

both shared at one point in your relationship?


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You hold the key to the response to these questions. It is only fair that you

share the answers with your spouse so that they can be a better wife or

husband to you and the family at large. As a married man or woman, one of

your greatest responsibilities is to care for and love your significant other

unconditionally. However, many of us seem to be searching for something ….

that is contrary to our marital mission. I hate to break it to you but, if you’re

looking for a deep fulfillment in your married life, you need to be that sense

of extraordinary excitement that ties the marriage or relationship together. I

am speaking from experience, sometimes it takes one person to step up and

help the weakest link in the relationship. It is not a secret that we human

beings are not wired the same, we are not equal just like the fingers in our

hand as far as being the same size or length.

Real Talk

I was fooling around with my computer one day and I decided to look-

up the word, “Street.” I wanted to know the official definition of a street. Here

is what I got back from my mini-research: A Street is defined as, “a public

thoroughfare in the built environment. It is a public parcel of land adjoining

buildings in an urban context, on which people may freely assemble, interact,

and move about.” I am particularly interested in the words “freely assemble,

interact, and move about.” I am not Albert Einstein but when something is

classified as public it tells me that everything goes, nothing is under anyone’s


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control. It further assures me that that I am free to do anything I wish. On a

serious note, how many married couples would like their spouse to live and

running around the street all day and still come home to you without you

asking questions? For example, she said she loves me but everytime I try to

spend some time with her at home, she’s always on the Street running

around with her or his “Bluetooth” glued to his or her ear like the United

States Secret Service. Please tell me, what could be so important that you

cannot take a minute to please your wife or husband. There is a saying that

goes: “Life is too short,” I was wondering if this saying applies to you. He’s too

busy to visit his children once a week but he has time to go to the club every

week and spend all his money buying drinks for everything with booty or a

pretty face with no wits.

He has no money for baby diapers and baby food yet he was able to buy

a $1,000 dollars rims on his car. Which one is more important to the welfare

of his children, the rims or the baby diapers with baby food? Let me ask you

this question, why do you put up with this mess? If she’s not ready to be a

loyal and trustworthy wife that you’ve always dreamed of, why chase her

around town by wasting money to hire a private detective to watch her every

move for you. Rule number 2, you can never police a man or a woman who is

prone to cheating; in fact, the excitement of being watched or caught might

just push them over the edge.


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The only time he wants to look his best is when he’s on his way to the

club with his boys. When you invite him to see your family or work family

events, he’s either too tired or he has no dry cleaning to wear. Whenever she’s

going to the bar with her female friends, she will always dress to kill. But

when you invite her on Sunday morning to come to church with you, this is

the time to let you know she’s either sick or had a hangover from last night at

the club.

I honestly believe that anybody can change for the better, but first the

desire to change must be something they want from their heart, not because

you ask them to change. Believe me, nothing is impossible if you’re willing to

work hard for it and set your heart and soul on the same objective. Marriage

is not a complicated process; it is the methodologies that will apply

sometimes that make it a bit challenging. I love being married to my wife,

she’s the best. What about you? How do you feel about your wife or husband?

Remember that you can lose a bad marriage at the end of the day, but please

don’t lose your mind. Your mind is one of the greatest assets the Lord has

given you, so if you lose it over your marriage problem, you might never

recover your sanity back. Thus, stay strong and go through whatever you’re

going through so He can take all the glory and make all the cracked way

straight. You need to understand this, everytime you face a disappointment,

the Lord is getting ready to remove this “Dis” and turn it to appoint for you.


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Keep your Marriage

Or

Keep the Street

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

….you can’t have it both!

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Femi has worked in various Corporate America positions. He is the founder of Folorunsho Community Development Outreach in Memphis, Tennessee. He became a Christian a few decades ago while he was living in Paris, France. Femi and his wife, Kutina, are both active members of the New Direction Church, Memphis, Tennessee. He left his sales manager job in 2008 to write his first book, The Audacity of God’s Power, he had challenges getting the book published so he published it himself on May 1, 2009. The book is currently on: www.Amazon.com. Femi is also an ordained Minister and a motivational speaker. Mr. Femi Folorunsho’s upcoming books are as follows:

• Why He Won’t put a Ring on it. • War Against the Devil! • IGNORANCE …. A disease, and a curable one.

Mr. Femi Folorunsho is the founder of Folorunsho Community Development Outreach in Memphis, Tennessee. He and his wife, Kutina, are both active members of the New Direction Church, Memphis Tennessee. Femi Folorunsho is also the author of a new book entitled: “The Audacity of God’s Power!”


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Femi Folorunsho grew up in Paris, France and was raised along with one sister and one brother. Femi attended the University of Phoenix in Arizona. and has been an inspired writer since the age of six. He was also a sprinter in High School and speaks several languages, including Romanian, French and some Arabic and some Italian.

Mr. Femi Folorunsho is the first one of his family to author a book. He was once elected as the President of the Community High School Literary and Debating Society. Femi is also an ordained Minister out of Memphis, Tennessee, USA. His book “KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE OR KEEP THE STREETS” takes you on an emotional ride where you find infidelity, lack of trust and most core problems that a large number of married couples are confronted with in this day and age. Married life is one of the best lives, if respected, and the word of God is undoubted. At the same time, it could also be a troubled life if a man or woman is involved with priorities that do not foster the institution of marriage. “This is an explosion of reality and raw truth”. Dr. Matthew B. Lile UOP, Arizona “Femi delivered another Knock-out-Punch in this book”. Susan Larson Reader, WGU, Salt Lake City, Utah “I enjoyed his first book, “The Audacity of God’s Power.” “This new book left me speechless.” Kennedy Wilkerson Bryant Sports Reporter “This book shows you how to avoid pitfalls in your marriage; I recommend it to every couple to read and learn something new from it. 10 Tombs up!!! Pastor Sesan Mountain of Fire Church of Christ

keep your marriage or keep the street! keep your marriage or keep the street. "you can't...

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