777 great clean jokes - jennifer hahn

7/26/2019 777 Great Clean Jokes - Jennifer Hahn

1/168


2/168


3/168

2006 by Barbour Publishing, Inc.

int ISBN 978-1-59789-126-4

ook Editions:

dobe Digital Edition (.ePub) 978-1-60742-297-6

ndle and MobiPocket Edition (.prc) 978-1-60742-298-3

l rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted for commercial purposes, except for

ief quotations in printed reviews, without written permission of the publisher.

hurches and other noncommercial interests may reproduce portions of this book without the express written

rmission of Barbour Publishing, provided that the text does not exceed 500 words or 5 percent of the entire book,

hichever is less, and that the text is not material quoted from another publisher. When reproducing text from this

ok, include the following credit line: From 777 Great Clean Jokes, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. Used by

rmission.

ver image iStockphoto

blished by Barbour Publishing, Inc., P.O. Box 719, Uhrichsville, Ohio 44683.

ur mission is to publish and distribute inspirational products offering exceptional value and biblical encouragement to

e masses.

inted in the United States of America.


4/168

CONTENTS

NIMALS

USINESS AND JOBS

HURCH AND FAITH

DUCATION

LECTRONICS AND MECHANISMS

AMILY MATTERS

INANCES

OOD

ISTORY

AW AND ORDER

OVE AND MARRIAGE

MEDICINE

MUSICAL NOTES

OTPOURRI

ENIOR MOMENTS

PACE AND NATURE

PORTS AND LEISURE

RAVELAND TRANSPORTATION


5/168

ANIMALS

1

ickory dickory dock,

he mice ran up the clock,he clock struck one,

nd the others escaped with minor injuries.

2

What keys cant open locks?Monkeys, donkeys, and turkeys.

3

Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

hey kept saying, Bach, Bach, Bach.

4

ome Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so erce,he boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of the scouts

aw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, We might as well give up. Theyreoming after us with flashlights.

5


6/168

y cat is so smart. He eats cheese, then waits at the mouse hole with baited breath.

6

Boy: Could you sell me a shark?

Pet-shop owner: Why do you want a shark?

Boy: My cat keeps trying to eat my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson.

7

Frank: Did you hear about the guy who was arrested at the zoo for feeding the

pigeons?

Harry: No. Whats wrong with feeding the pigeons?

Frank: He fed them to the lions.

8

baby pigs are called piglets, why arent baby bulls called bullets and baby chickenshicklets?

9

What is the difference between a cat and a match?

cat lights on its feet, and a match lights on its head.

10

What grows up while it grows down?

baby duckling.

11


7/168

Whats gray on the inside and clear on the outside?An elephant in a sandwich bag.

12

Why do dragons sleep during the day?

o they can hunt knights.

13

Why is a snake so smart?

ecause you cant pull its leg.

14

Why do giraffes have such small appetites?

ecause with them, a little goes a long way.

15

What is as big as an elephant but doesnt weigh an ounce?

n elephants shadow.

16

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?

Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

17

cowboy had two horses, but he couldnt tell them apart. He cut o one horsesane, but it grew back; he cut o the tail, but that grew back, too. A friend suggested

hat he measure the horses. The cowboy measured them and went to his friend andaid, That was a great ideathe black one was two inches taller than the white


8/168

ne.

18

eading into the jungle on his rst safari, the American visitor was condent he

ould handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and saidmugly, I know that carrying a torch will keep lions away.

Thats true, the guide replied. But it depends on how fast you carry the torch.

19

mothers bachelor son invited her over for a meal. He had just gotten two new dogsnd wanted his mom to see them.

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest thathe had ever seen in her life. Have these dishes ever been washed? she asked,unning her fingers over the grit and grime.

Theyre as clean as soap and water could get them, he answered. She felt a bitpprehensive but started eating anyway.

The food was really delicious, and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, her son took the dishes, put them on the floor, whistled, andelled, Here, Soap! Here, Water!

20

First octopus: What doyoulike least about being an octopus?

Second octopus: Washing my hands before dinner.

21

wo hens were pecking in the yard when suddenly a softball came sailing over thence, landing a few feet away from them. One hen said to the other, Will you just

ok at the ones theyre turning out next door!

22


9/168

everal bualo were grazing on the prairie when a cowboy rode up. Looking at thenimals, he said disgustedly, You are the ugliest bualoes Ive ever seen. Your fur isatted, you have humps on your backs, and youre slobbering all over the place.

The cowboy turned and rode o, and one bualo said to another, I think I justeard a discouraging word.

23

Steve: How did your parakeet die?

Fred: Flu.

Steve: Dont be silly. Parakeets dont die from the flu.

Fred: Mine did. He flew under a bus.

24

Which is richer, a bull or a cow?

bull. The cow gives you milk; the bull charges you.

25

ow many skunks does it take to smell up a neighborhood?

ust a phew.

26

City slicker: I finally went for a ride this morning. Ranch hand: Horseback?

City slicker: Yep, he got back about an hour before I did.

27

What is a polar bears favorite place to vacation?

rrr-muda.


10/168

28

What is a woodpeckers favorite kind of joke?

knock-knock.

29

What is an eels favorite card game?

low Fish.

30

Why did the turtle go to the therapist?

e wanted to come out of his shell.

31

ow does a beaver know which tree to cut down?

Whichever one he chews.

32

What would you call a snake that drinks too much coffee?

hyper viper.

33

What would you get if you crossed a baseball player with a frog?

n outfielder who catches flies and then eats them.

34


11/168

What kind of flowers would you give an absent-minded squirrel?

orget-me-nuts.

35

What do you get if Bach falls o a horse, but has the courage to get on again andontinue riding?

ach in the saddle again.

36

ow do pigs say good-bye?With hogs and kisses.

37

What is an owls favorite mystery?

whooo-dunit.

38

man was driving past a farm and saw a three-legged chicken running alongside hisar. Suddenly, the chicken picked up speed and disappeared around the bend. Theriver pulled to the side of the road and called to the farmer, I just saw a three-gged chicken!

Oh, yes, said the farmer. We have a bunch of em. We have three people in ourmily, and we all like drumsticks.

Well, how do they taste? asked the motorist.

Dunno, said the farmer. We cant catch any.

39

hree mice are sitting around boasting about their strengths. The rst mouse says,Mouse traps are nothing! I do push-ups with the bar.


12/168

The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin,That was rat poison.

The third mouse got up to leave. The rst mouse says, Where do you think youreoing?

Its time to go home and chase the cat.

40

Have you got any kittens going cheap? asked a customer in a pet shop.

No, sir, replied the owner. All our kittens go, Meow.

41

Look over there! said the frightened skunk to his pal. Theres a human with a gun,nd hes getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?

The second skunk bowed his head and calmly replied, Let us spray.

42

wo goats wandered into the junkyard and had a eld day. One of them spent aarticularly long time bent over a reel of lm. When he was nished, the other goatame over. So, did you enjoy the film?

The goat replied, To tell you the truth, I liked the book better.

43

ne day a chicken went to a library and said, Book, book, book. The librarian gavehe chicken three books, and the chicken went on its way.

The next day the same chicken came into the library and said, Book, book, book.o the librarian gave the chicken three books again, but this time she becameuspicious of where the chicken was taking the books, so she decided to follow the

hicken.After awhile, the chicken came to a swamp and stopped beside a frog. The chicken

ave the three books to the frog, and the frog said, Read it! Read it! Read it!


13/168

44

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?

Wheeeee!

45

Look at that speed! said one hawk to another as a jet-ghter plane zoomed overheir heads.

Hmph! snorted the other. You would fly fast, too, if your tail was on fire!

46

hound dog and a dalmatian were sitting in an Internet caf. The dalmatian said tohe hound, Hey, check out my Web site!

The hound asked for the address, and the dalmatian responded,www.dalmatian.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.

47

What do you call a story told by a giraffe?

tall tale.

48

ne ant was running across an unopened box of crackers and urging another topeed up.

But why do we have to hurry? asked the other.

Cant you read? It says, Tear along the dotted line.

49

wo fleas were walking out of a theater when they discovered it was raining hard.
http://www.dalmatian.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot/


14/168

Shall we walk? said one flea.

No, said the other. Lets take a dog.

50

Why are frogs so happy?hey eat whatever bugs them.

51

What does a bankrupt frog say?

Baroke, baroke, baroke.

52

id you hear about the skunk that went to church?

e had his own pew.

53

What animal has more lives than a cat?

frog, because he croaks every night.

54

chicken walks into a restaurant.

The hostess says, We dont serve poultry!

The chicken says, Thats okay; I just want a soda.

55

hungry lion was roaming through the jungle, looking for something to eat. He came


15/168

cross two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typingway on his laptop. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book andevoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

56

When you call a dog, he usually comes to you.

When you call a cat, he takes a message.

57

Chicken to turkey: Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? Youre lucky; with us, itsany Sunday.

58

wo guys were hiking in the forest when they suddenly came across a big grizzly

ear. The one guy took o his hiking boots and put on some running shoes. His friendaid to him, Youre crazy! Dont you know how fast grizzlies are? Youll never beble to outrun it!

Outrun it? said his friend. I only have to outrun you!

59

Why are anteaters so healthy?

ecause they are high on ant-i-bodies!

60

Why did the chicken cross the road?o show the opossum it could be done .

61


16/168

ne caterpillar to another, as they watch a butterfly:

oull never get me up in one of those things.

62

Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:other said there would be knights like this.

63

Where does a cat go when he loses his tail?

retail store.

64

id you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?

e was charged with battery.

65

Where are dogs scared to go?

he flea market.

66

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?

he wanted to be polyunsaturated.

67

Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

ecause of its bark.


17/168

68

Turtle to turtle: Dont you just love the sound of rain on your roof?

69

Why do lobsters have a hard time sharing?

ecause theyre shellfish.

70

Whats the difference between a cat and a comma?

cat has its claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause .

71

Jenny! called her mother, Why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?

I have to, Jenny replied. Thats where my canary is.

72

mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cattacked them. The mother mouse yelled, Bark! and the cat ran away.

See? said the mother mouse to her baby. Now do you see why its important toarn a foreign language?

73

ave you heard about the dog that ate an onion?

s bark was much worse than its bite.

74


18/168

cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. Howoes he do it?

is horses name is Friday.

75

wo cows are standing in a wide-open eld. One cow says to the other cow, Hey,re you worried about that mad cow disease?

The second cow says, Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? Im anrplane!

76

id you hear the one about the lion who ate clowns?

oull roar.

77

What do you call an overweight cat?

flabby tabby.

78

What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?

centipede with athletes foot.

79

What did the five-hundred-pound canary say as he walked down the street?

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

80


19/168

What do you call a cat thats been thrown in the dryer?

uffy.

81

What do you call a cat that gets thrown in the dryer and is never found again?ocks.

82

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?

gummy bear.

83

What do you get when you put a bird in the freezer?

brrrd.

84

When is fishing not a good way to relax?

When youre the worm.

85

Why cant you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?

ecause of the Peking duck.

86

turtle was mugged by three snails, but when a police ocer asked the turtle to givedescription of what happened, all he could say was, I dont know, Ocer. It all

appened so fast!


20/168

87

What do you call a fish with no eye?

fsh.

88

Whos a better boxer, a bean or a chicken?

he beanhes no chicken.

89

What is a sharks favorite game?

wallow the Leader.

90

What do pigs put in their hard drives?

oppy disks.

91

Baby snake: Mom, are we poisonous?

Mom snake: We most certainly are! Why?

Baby snake: I just bit my tongue.

92

Why did the kangaroo lose the basketball game?e ran out of bounds.

93


21/168

What birds spend time on their knees?

rds of prey.

94

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?g holes all over Australia.

95

Whats the difference between a soccer player and a dog?

he soccer player wears a team uniform, the dog just pants.

96

What do you get when you cross a bunny rabbit with the World Wide Web?

hare Net.

97

t the end of his shift, the police ocer parked his police van in front of the station.is K-9 partner, Bo, was in the back.

As the ocer was exiting his car, a little boy walked by and looked in the back

indow of the van.Is that a dog you got back there? the boy asked.

It sure is, the officer replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the ocer, then back at the van. Finally he said, Whatd he do?

98

Why are elephants known to hold grudges?

hey can forgive, but they cant forget.


22/168

99

id you hear about the duck that was flying upside down?

quacked up.

100

Where do fish like to go on vacation?

nland.

101

ow do you find a spider on the Internet?

heck out his Web site .

102

What do you call a penguin in the desert?

ost.

103

he farmers son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his fatherad entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried o in dierent directions, but the boy walked all over theeighborhood, retrieving the birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hopinge had found them all, the boy returned home.

Pa, the chickens got loose, the boy told his father reluctantly, but I managed tond all nine of them.

You did well, son, the farmer said, because you left with only six.

104


23/168

ony was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. Theeighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such, they had theght to go wherever they wanted.

On his next trip to the grocery store, Tony bought a dozen eggs. That night, henuck out and placed the eggs throughout his yard.

The next morning, when he was sure the neighbor was watching, Tony went outnd gathered the eggs.

After that, he never had problems again with nding his neighbors chickens in hisard.

105

Why did the giraffe graduate early?

e was head and shoulders above the rest.

106

Where do polar bears vote?

he North Poll.

107

What did Winnie the Pooh pack for his vacation?

he bear essentials.

108

ow did the owl with laryngitis feel?

e didnt give a hoot.

109

What does an educated owl say?

Whom.


24/168

110

What should you do when someone throws a goose at you?

uck.

111

What do you say when someone throws a duck at another duck?

Duck, duck!

112

What do you say when someone throws a goose at a duck?

Duck, duck! Goose!

113

What bird is always out of breath?

puffin.

114

young bird fell out of its nest and hurtled through the branches of the tree, headingr the ground.

Are you all right? called out a robin as the chick zoomed by.

So far! said the little bird.

115

Teacher: Where are elephants found?

Student: Theyre so big, I didnt think they could get lost!


25/168

116

ave you heard the story about the peacock that crossed the road?

really is a colorful tail.

117

husband and wife were on a safari in Africa. A huge lion suddenly leaped out inont of them and seized the wife in its jaws.

Shoot! she screamed to her husband. Shoot!

I cant, dear! he hollered back. Im all out of film!

118

Whats the difference between a tiger and a lion?

he tiger has the mane part missing.

119

ow does a leopard change its spots?

When its tired of one spot, it just moves to another.

120

What goes peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang?

bunch of chickens in a yard full of balloons.

121

Where do little dogs sleep when they go camping?

pup tents.


26/168

122

What bone will a dog never eat?

trombone.

123

German shepherd went to the telegraph oce to send a telegram. Woof, herote. Woof. Woof.

Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.

The clerk looked at the message and said, There are only nine words here. Youould add one more Woof for the same price.

But, said the dog, then it wouldnt make any sense at all.

124

What wears a coat in the winter and pants all summer?

dog.

125

What did the dalmatian say after he finished eating?

That hit the spots.

126

ow do you find your dog if hes lost in the woods?

ut your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark.

127

Where do fish take a bath?

a river basin.


27/168

128

What animal makes it hard to carry on a conversation?

goat, because he always wants to butt in.

129

What did one horse say to the other horse?

Your pace is familiar, but I dont remember your mane.

130

What happens if pigs fly?

acon goes up.

131

he door to the Pony Express oce swung open. A cowboy sprinted out, took aunning leap, and landed in the middle of the road.

Whats the matter with you, pardner? asked a bystander. Did they throw youut, or are you just crazy?

Neither, replied the cowboy. But just wait until I find out who moved my horse!

132

ow do you catch a unique rabbit?

nique up on it.

133

ow do you catch a tame rabbit?

ame way. Unique up on it.


28/168

134

What was the snail doing on the highway?

bout a mile a day.

135

What is the best advice you can give to a worm?

Sleep late!

136

What do you get when you cross a hen with a hyena?

n animal that laughs at every yolk.

137

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

acon and legs.

138

What do you call a dog with a receding hairline?

ald Spot!

139

man dressed in camouage entered a butcher shop. Id like a couple of ducks, heaid.

Were out of ducks. I have a couple of nice chickens, though.

Chickens! the man exclaimed. I cant tell my wife I bagged a couple ofhickens!


29/168

140

man ran up to a farmhouse and pounded on the door. When the farmer came to theoor, the man demanded, Wheres the nearest train station, and what time is theext train to the city?

The farmer replied, You may cut through my eld, and you should reach the

ation in time for the 5:20. But if my bull sees you, youll probably make it by 5:00.

141

Swimmer: Are you sure there arent any sharks along this beach?

Lifeguard: Oh, yes, Im sure. They dont get along well with the alligators.

142

My dog has no tail, said one man to another out walking his dog.

Oh, thats too bad, the other replied. How do you know when he is happy then?

He stops biting me!

143

Your horse is very well behaved, the lady noted to the resting rider.

Oh, thats true, he replied. When we come to a fence, he always stops quicklynd lets me go over first!

144

What happens when a frogs car breaks down?

e gets toad away.

145

What do you call two spiders who just married?


30/168

ewlywebs.

146

What do you call the best butter on the farm?

goat.

147

What do you call a cow that has just given birth?

e-calfinated.

148

wo elephants were discussing life in general on Earth.

You know, said one, humans say that we possess the best memories of anynimals on the globe.

Well, said the other, why cant I remember where I left my bag of peanuts?

149

What kind of can never needs a can opener?

pelican.

150

What did the pink rabbit say to the blue rabbit?

Cheer up!

151

What do you get when you cross a pig and a tree?


31/168

porky pine.

152

Why do white sheep eat more grass than black sheep?

ecause there are more of them.

153

Why shouldnt you tell a pig a secret?

ecause hes a squealer.

154

What do frogs want to listen to at bedtime?

roak-and-dagger stories.

155

What is cowhide most used for?

olding cows together.

156

What kind of snake is good at math?

n adder.

157

What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?

k-a-seltzer.


32/168

158

ggs and ham: A days work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

159

Why does a mother kangaroo hope it doesnt rain?

he doesnt like it when the kids have to play inside .

160

ow do you fix a broken chimp?

With a monkey wrench.

161

What do llamas like to eat?

ama beans.

162

What do you call a time-out in the Lions football game?

paws.

163

What did the mother buffalo say to her boy as he was leaving?

Bison.

164

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?


33/168

hocolate chimp cookies.

165

What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?

No thanks. Im stuffed.

166

ow does an octopus go into battle?

ully armed.

167

What kind of money do marsupials use?

ocket change.

168

ne evening as a mother was preparing dinner, her seven-year-old son came down tohe kitchen, crying hysterically. The loving mother bent down and said, Honey,hats wrong?

Mom, he said, I just cleaned my room.

Well, Im very proud of you, she replied. But why on earth would that make youy?

Her son looked up through his tears and said, Because I still cant find my snake!


34/168

BUSINESS AND JOBS

169

Ed: I have a job in a watch factory.

Mike: Oh really? What do you do?Ed: I just stand around and make faces.

170

Farmer: Quite a storm we had last night.

Neighbor: Yep, it sure was.

Farmer: Did it damage your barn any?

Neighbor: I dunno. I havent found it yet.

171

Employee: Ive worked here for over twenty years and have never asked for araise.

Employer: Thats why youve worked here for twenty years.

172

Salesman: You make a small down payment, but then you dont make anypayments for six months.

Customer: Who told you about me?


35/168

173

ow is business?

Tailor: Oh, its so-so.

Electrician: Its fairly light.

Author: All right.

Farmer: Its growing.

Astronomer: Looking up!

Elevator operator: Well, it has its ups and downs.

Trash collector: Its picking up.

174

Employee: My wife says I should ask you for a raise.

Employer: Ill ask my wife if I can give you one.

175

Wife: You dont look well. Whats the matter?

Husband: You know those aptitude tests we give our employees?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: Well, I took one today, and its a good thing I own the company.

176

Barber: Your hair is getting thin.

Client: Who wants fat hair?

177

Employer: I thought you requested yesterday afternoon off to go see your dentist.

Employee: Yes, sir.

Employer: Then why did I see you coming out of the stadium with a friend?


36/168

Employee: That was my dentist.

178

Rancher: What kind of saddle do you want? One with or without a horn?

Cowboy: Without is fine. There doesnt seem to be much traffic around here.

179

Dan: I just finished a long run on Broadway.

Zach: What play were you in?

Dan: Oh, I wasnt in any play. A mugger chased me for ten blocks.

180

Television repairman: So, what seems to be the problem with your television?

Woman: It has double images. I hope you men can fix it.

181

husband raced into his house. Ive found a great job! he exclaimed to his wife.The pay is incredible, they oer free medical insurance, and give three weeksacation!

That does sound wonderful, said the wife.Im glad you think so, replied her husband. You start tomorrow.

182

Texan was on a flight and began bragging about the property that he owned.

How much property do you own? asked the man sitting next to him.Forty acres, answered the Texan.

That doesnt sound like all that much, replied the man. Where is this propertycated?

Oh, said the Texan, downtown Dallas.


37/168

183

Why was the employee fired from the orange juice factory?

e couldnt concentrate.

184

Barber: Sir, could you please turn the other side of your face toward me?

Client: Oh, youre finished shaving this side already?

Barber: Oh, no. I just dont like the sight of blood.

185

he CEO of a large corporation was in a meeting with the board of directors. Heresented his plan, although he knew that several of the board would disagree.

All in favor, say, Aye, said the CEO. All opposed, say, I resign.

186

Why do bakers work so hard?

ecause they need the dough.

187

First cowboy: Why did you carry only one log for the campre when the otherands carry two?

Second cowboy: I guess the others are too lazy to make two trips.

188

he captain of a cavalry fort was having breakfast when his lieutenant ran in theoor.

Captain, he said with a salute, weve just received an urgent letter from our


38/168

esert outpost. It states their dire need of water.

The water supply should arrive there in a few days. They can wait, said theaptain.

Sir, I dont believe so, the lieutenant replied. The stamp was attached to thenvelope with a paper clip.

189

Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt?

ecause his career was in ruins.

190

man was interviewing for a job. And remember, said the interviewer, we areery keen about cleanliness. Did you wipe your shoes on the mat before entering?

Oh, yes, sir, replied the man.

The interviewer narrowed his eyes and said, We are also very keen about honesty.here is no mat.

191

Why did the doughnut maker retire?

e was fed up with the hole business.

192

he shopkeeper was discouraged when a new business much like his own opened upext door and erected a huge sign that read, BESTDEALS.

He was depressed when another competitor opened up on the block and announceds arrival with an even larger sign reading, LOWESTPRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of allver his own shopit read, MAINENTRANCE.

193


39/168

store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer. No, sir, saidhe salesman. We havent had any for a while, and it doesnt look like well beetting any soon.

The manager was horried and immediately called the salesman over to him.Dont you ever tell a customer were out of anything! Now, what did he want?

Rain, answered the salesman.

194

wo barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircutsr seven dollars. His competitor put up one that read, WEREPAIRSEVEN-DOLLARHAIRCUTS.

195

uring a training exercise, an army unit was late for afternoon inspection.

Where are those camouflage trucks? the irate colonel barked.

Theyre here somewhere, replied the sergeant, but we cant find em.

196

Why did the farmer receive an award?

ecause he was outstanding in his field.

197

n the way to preschool, the doctor let his daughter look at his stethoscope. His littleaughter picked it up and began playing with it. This thrilled the father as hehought,Perhaps one day she will follow in my footsteps and become a doctor.

But then he heard her as she spoke into the instrument, Welcome to McDonalds.ay I take your order?

198

little girl asked her mother for fty cents to give to an old lady in the park. Her


40/168

other was touched by the childs kindness and gave her the required sum.

There you are, said the mother. But tell me, isnt the lady able to worknymore?

Oh yes, came the reply. She sells candy.

199

salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: Shes not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister.

Salesman: Okay, fine. May I speak to her?Child: I guess so.

here was a long silence on the other phone. Then

Child: Hello?

Salesman: Its you. I thought you were going to get your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is, I cant lift her out of the playpen.

200

man asked the barber, How much for a haircut?

Eight dollars, said the barber.

And how much for a shave?

Six dollars.

Okay, then, shave my head.

201

Who is the best-paid employee at Microsoft?

he Windows washer.

202


41/168

o you know why electricians are some of the smartest people?

hey always keep up with current events.

203

ow did the scientist invent bug spray?he started from scratch.

204

What did the astronaut think of the takeoff?

he thought it was a blast.

205

What do you need to know to be an auctioneer?

ots.

206

Boss: You should have been here at 9:30 a.m.

Employee: Why, what happened?

207

young executive was preparing to leave the oce late one evening, when he foundhe CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

This is a very sensitive and important document, said the CEO, and my secretaryas gone for the night. Can you get this thing to work for me?

Certainly, said the young executive eagerly. He turned the machine on, insertedhe paper, and pressed the STARTbutton.

Excellent! Thank you! said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine.just need one copy.


42/168

208

blacksmith nished hammering a white-hot horseshoe and threw it down on theround to cool.

Just then a man walked in, spotted the horseshoe, and picked it up. He quicklyropped it, biting his tongue to keep from screaming.

Pretty hot, huh? asked the blacksmith.

Nah, answered the man. It just doesnt take me long to look over a horseshoe.

209

he factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases ready to leave the plant

nd approached his new packer. I see you did what I asked: stamped the top of eachox, THISSIDEUP, HANDLE WITHCARE.

Yes, sir, the worker replied. And just to make sure it arrives safely, I stamped itn the bottom, too.

210

manager got stuck in the elevator, between oors. After some banging, he nallytracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.

It took two hours for the elevator mechanic to arrive and get the manager out.When he returned to his desk, he found this note from his ecient secretary: The

evator people called and will be here in two hours.

211

have just developed the most powerful acid compound known to mankind, aientist told her colleagues. There is only one problem.

What is that? asked one.

I cant find a container for it, she replied.

212

he manager of a glass and window company advertised in the paper for experienced


43/168

aziers. Since a good glass man is hard to nd, he was pleased when a man whoalled about the job said he had twelve years of experience.

Where have you worked as a glazier? the manager asked.

The man replied, Krispy Kreme.

213

he interviewer examined the job application, then turned to the prospectivemployee.

I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start. However, Ie youve written down AMAP for required salary. I dont believe Im aware of what

hat means.

The applicant replied, As Much As Possible!

214

politician asked a minister, What is something the government can do to help thehurch?

Well, the minister replied, quit making one-dollar bills.

215

here was a captain of a ship who carried around a mysterious black box. Despitepeated questions from his crew, he refused to tell anyone what was inside the box.ears went by, and the mystery of the box grew and grew. It was all the crew could

lk about. What was in that mysterious black box?One day a big storm quickly approached. The wind howled, and the ship was tossed

n huge waves. Suddenly, a wave washed across the deck and swept the captainverboard. He disappeared from view and was never seen again.

As soon as the storm passed, a sailor went to the captains cabin and retrieved theox. The entire crew circled around as he opened it and removed the only contents, amall piece of paper.

On the paper was written, Starboard is right, port is left.

216


44/168

think I deserve a raise, the man said to his boss. You know there are three otherompanies after me.

Is that right? asked the manager. What other companies are after you?

The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company.

217

wo gas company servicemen were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.hey parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.t the last house, a woman watched out her kitchen window as they checked her gaseter.

When they were nished checking the meter, the older of the two challenged hisounger coworker to a race back to the truck.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized a woman was hung anduffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

In between breaths, she explained, When I saw the two of you check my meter,hen take off running, I figured Id better run, too!

218

n employee went to see his supervisor. Boss, he said, were doing some heavyousecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me to help with the attic andhe garage, moving and hauling stuff.

Were shorthanded, the boss replied. I cant give you the day off.

Thank you, said the employee. I knew I could count on you!

219

he owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on hisa. As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing butaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily, Howuch do you make a week?

Three hundred bucks, replied the young man.

Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out three hundred dollars, shoved it intohe young mans hands, and said, Here is a weeks paynow get out and dont comeack!

Turning to one of the supervisors, the owner asked, Just how long had that lazy


45/168

d been working here?

He doesnt work here, said the supervisor. He was just here delivering ourzzas.

220

he manager is reviewing a potential employees application and notes that thellow has never worked in retail before.

For a man with no experience, he says, you are certainly asking a high wage.

Well, sir, the applicant replies, the work is much more dicult when you dontnow what youre doing.

221

veteran of World War II applied for a job at a bank. The impersonal interviewerontinued to ask question after question, scribbling notes and never looking at theeteran.

Most recent position? asked the official.

Supply officer, replied the applicant.

Duration of employment?

Three and a half years.

Reason for termination?

The applicant stopped and thought for a moment, then answered, We won.

222

young man was a slow worker and found it dicult to hold down a job. After asit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo.

When he arrived for his rst day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him toke care of the tortoises.

Later, the zookeeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and foundm standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. Where are all the

rtoises? he demanded.I cant believe it, said the new employee. I just opened the door and whooosh,

hey were gone!


46/168

223

When his printing ink began to grow faint, a man called a local repair shop. Theiendly salesperson who answered the phone said the printer would probably onlyeed to be cleaned. Because the store charged fifty dollars for the cleaning, he advisedhe caller that he might be better o reading the printers manual and trying to clean

he machine himself.Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the caller asked, I dont think your boss would

ke that youre discouraging business, would he?

Its actually my bosss idea, the employee admitted. He says we usually makeore money on repairs if we let people try to fix their equipment first.

224

urt had a problem with oversleeping and was always late for work. His bosshreatened to re him if he didnt do something about it. So Burt went to his doctor,ho gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Burt slept incredibly well; in fact, he woke up before the alarm went o. He had aisurely breakfast and a pleasant ride to work.

Boss, he said, that pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!

Thats great, said the boss, but where were you yesterday?

225

guy walks into the human-resources department of a large company and hands thexecutive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet and sees that the

pplicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.I have to say, says the executive, your work history is awful. Youve beenrminated from every job.

Yes, says the man.

Well, continues the executive, there isnt much positive about that!

Sure there is, says the applicant. Im not a quitter!

226

etty was looking for a new RN position, as she was unhappy with her current job.he was certain shed have no trouble nding a new position, due to the extent of the


47/168

ursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached hersume to each one. Three weeks later, Betty was wondering why she had notceived even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that gave an answer tohe dilemma. It read: Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want thank you for the wonderful fettuccine alfredo recipe.

227

site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trickhem into doing some work for a change.

I have a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, he announced. Will

he laziest man please raise his hand.Nine hands shot up.

Why didnt you put your hand up? he asked the tenth man.

It was too much trouble.

228

young businessman had just started his own rm. He had leased a beautiful ocend had it furnished with antiques. Sitting behind his desk, he saw a man come intohe outer oce. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone andarted to pretend he had a big deal working.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, May I help you?

Sure, the man said. Ive come to hook up your phone!

229

he boss called one of his employees into the oce. Rob, he said, youve been withhe company for six months. You started o in the mailroom. Just one week later,ou were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted district sales manager. Just four months later, you were promoted to vice

resident. Now its time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.What do you say to that?

Thanks, said the employee.

Thanks? the boss replied. Thats all you can say?


48/168

Oh, sorry, the employee said. Thanks, Dad.

230

ow did the carpenter break his teeth?

e chewed on his nails.

231

man applied for a job at a construction firm.

We take turns making the coee, said the foreman. Do you know how to make

offee?I sure do, said the applicant.

And can you drive a forklift?

Why? Just how big is the coffee maker?

232

ob seeker: Im here in reply to your ad for a handyman. Potential employer: And youre handy?

ob seeker: Couldnt be handier. I live right next door.

233

erb had spent all afternoon interviewing for a new job. He began by lling out allhe papers. The human-resources manager then questioned him at length about hisaining and past work experience. Herb then was given a tour of the plant and wastroduced to the people he would be working with.

Finally, he was taken to the general managers oce. The manager rose from hishair, shook his hand, and asked him to sit down.

You seem to be very qualied, he said, and we would like you to come work for

s. We oer a good insurance plan and other benets. We will pay you six hundredollars a week starting today and in three months, well raise it to seven hundredollars a week. When would you like to start?

In three months, Herb replied.


49/168

234

What training do you need to be a garbage collector?

one; you just pick it up as you go along.

235

he new ensign was assigned to submarines, his dream since he was a young boy.

He was trying to impress the master chief with his expertise learned in sub school.

The master chief cut him o quickly and said, Listen, its really simple. Add theumber of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number bywo. If the result isnt an even number, dont open the hatch.

236

man at the construction site was bragging that he was stronger than anyone else.e began making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the olderorker had had enough.

Ill bet that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building thatou wont be able to wheel back.

Okay, the young man replied. Lets see what youve got.

The older man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then heoked at the young man and said with a smile, All right. Get in.


50/168

CHURCH AND FAITH

237

Sunday school teacher: Who lived in the Garden of Eden?

Danny: The Adams.

238

Grandma: Were you a good girl at church today, Missy?

Missy: Yes, I was. When the nice man offered me a whole plate of money, I said,

No, thank you.

239

Why didnt they play cards on Noahs ark?

ecause Noah sat on the deck.

240

Sunday school teacher: Why did Moses wander in the desert for forty years?

Ginny: Because he was too stubborn to stop and ask for directions?

241

Sunday school teacher: Phil, who was the first woman?


51/168

Phil: I dont know.

Sunday school teacher: Ill give you a hint. It had something to do with an apple.

Phil: Oh, I know. Granny Smith!

242

he preacher stopped in the middle of his powerful sermon to ask, Who is God,nyway?

From the back of the church, a little boy said, God is a chauffeur.

Why do you say that? asked the preacher.

Because, said the boy, he drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden.

243

teacher asked the kindergartners, Can a bear take off his warm overcoat?

No, they answered.

Why not?

Finally, after a long silence, a little fellow spoke up. Because only God knows

here the buttons are.

244

Sunday school class was ready for its question-and-answer session.

What is it that we learn from Jonah and the whale? asked the teacher.

A bright kid spoke up and said, What we learned is that people make whales sick.

245

Sunday school teacher asked her class, What did Jesus say about people gettingarried?

Little Johnny quickly answered, Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they knowot what they do.

246


52/168

he young couples Sunday school class was studying the story of Abraham and Sarah,ho in their nineties were blessed with a child. Among other things, the teachersked, What lesson do we learn from this story?

A young mother of three who was having nancial diculties blurted out, Theyaited until they could afford it!

247

father was teaching his son to admire the beauties of nature.

Look, son, he exclaimed, isnt that sunset a beautiful picture God has painted?

It sure is, Dad, responded the youngster enthusiastically, especially since Godad to paint it with his left hand.

The father was baffled. What do you mean, son? His left hand?

Well, answered the boy, my Sunday school teacher said that Jesus was sitting onods right hand.

248

ow did Jonah feel when the whale swallowed him?

own in the mouth.

249

Sunday school teacher: Now, Charlie, what can you tell me about Goliath?

Charlie: Goliath was the man David rocked to sleep.

250

he Sunday school teacher had just nished the lesson. She had taught the portion ofhe Bible that told of how Lots wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

Jeremy raised his hand. My mommy looked back once when she was driving, andhe turned into a telephone pole!

251


53/168

mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Jack and Chris. The boys began torgue over who would get the rst pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for aoral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let My brother have the rstancake; I can wait.

Jack turned to his younger brother and said, Chris, you be Jesus!

252

Why didnt Noah fish very often?

He only had two worms.

253

minister was visiting the home of a family in his congregation. Their little son ran, holding a mouse by the tail.

Dont worry, Mom, its dead, he reported. We chased him, then hit him until

Just then he caught sight of the minister. He lowered his voice and eyes andnished, until God called him home.

254

little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a bitown, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that heould like to talk about.

He told his mother, We were singing songs, and the teacher made us sing about a

oor bear named Gladly that needed glasses, and I just cant stop thinking about him.he said he was cross-eyed, and I feel bad for him.

The mother couldnt understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sundayhool, so she decided to call her. To the mothers amazement, the teacher said she

nly taught hymns that morning.

Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, I know whateffreys talking about! We learned the hymn Gladly the Cross Id Bear.

255

man was lying on the grass and looking up at the sky. As he watched the clouds


54/168

rift by, he asked, God, how long is a million years?

God answered, To Me, a million years is as a minute.

The man asked, God, how much is a million dollars?

God answered, To Me, a million dollars is as a penny.

The man then asked, God, can I have a penny?

God answered, In a minute.

256

ne cold winter day, a boy was standing outside a shoe store, praying to God forome socks or some shoes. Just then a lady walked up to him and said, Is thereomething that I can help you with?

He looked down at his feet and said, Well, I would like some shoes.She grabbed his hand and took him into the shoe store. She asked for a dozen pairs

f socks and a pair of shoes. They sat down, and the clerk put a pair of socks andhoes on the boy.

As the woman got up to leave, the boy thanked her. She told him that if he evereeded anything else, to not to be afraid to ask.

He looked at her and asked, Are you Gods wife?

257

nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the childrens chests, would t theethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes wouldways light up with awe.

Listen, she said to little four-year-old Seth, Do you hear it? What do you suppose

hat is?

He listened to the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest. Then his eyes lit up,nd he exclaimed, Is that Jesus knocking?

258

little boy in Sunday school was asked what commandment he would break if heayed home from Sunday school. He replied, The fourth one: Keep the Sabbath Dayoly.

Then he was asked what commandment he would break if he took his friendscycle. He replied, The eighth: Do not steal.


55/168

Then he was asked what commandment he would break if he pulled his dogs tail.e hesitated, then said, I dont know the number, but it goes like this: What God hasined together, let no man pull apart.

259

young soldier was on guard duty one night. He did his best to stay awake, but heoon drifted off. He suddenly woke up and found his superior standing next to him.

Knowing the penalty for falling asleep while on duty, the soldier lowered his headnce more and said, A-a-a-men.

260

he Sunday school lesson was about the prodigal son. Toward the end of the lesson,he teacher asked, What happened when the prodigal son returned?

His father went out to meet him and hurt himself, said Ricky.

Hurt himself? No, the Bible doesnt tell us he hurt himself, corrected the teacher.

Oh, yes, it does, replied Ricky. It says that his father ran to meet him and fell ons neck.

261

What was the vehicle of choice among the apostles?

Hondabecause they were all in one Accord.

262

minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.o prepare you for my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.

The following Sunday, the minister asked all those who had read Mark 17, asquested, to raise their hands. Most of the congregation raised their hands. The

inister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed withy sermon on the sin of lying.

263


56/168

four-year-old boy was asked to pray before dinner. The family members bowedheir heads. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends and familyembers. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the chicken,

he mashed potatoes, the fruit salad, and even the milk. Then he paused, andveryone waited.

After a long silence, the little boy opened one eye, looked at his mother, and asked,f I thank God for the broccoli, wont He know that Im lying?

264

businessman needed a large sum of money to clinch an important deal. He went tohurch to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying forne hundred dollars to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and gave one hundred dollars to the otheran. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, Lord, now that I have Yourndivided attention

265

he Sunday school teacher was explaining the story of Elijah and the false prophets ofaal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, cut the bull into pieces, and laid thoseeces and wood upon the altar.

Then Elijah commanded the people of God to ll four barrels of water and pour ithe altar. He had them do this three times.

Can anyone tell me why Elijah would ask the people to pour water over the bulln the altar? asked the teacher.

A little girl excitedly answered, To make the gravy!

266

was Palm Sunday, and Marys four-year-old son stayed home from church with histher, because he was sick.

When his siblings returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked whathe branches were for.

His mother explained, People held them over Jesus head as He walked by.

I cant believe it, the boy said. I miss one Sunday, and Jesus shows up!


57/168

267

nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Edwards had sent to him by ansher.

The note read: Phil Edwards having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of theongregation for his safety.

The minister failed to observe the punctuation, however, and surprised theongregation when he read aloud, Phil Edwards, having gone to see his wife, desireshe prayers of the congregation for his safety.

268

woman and her ve-year-old son were headed to McDonalds. On the way, theyassed a car accident.

As was their habit when seeing an accident, they prayed for whoever was involved.

After the mother prayed, she asked her son if he would, too. Please, God, herayed, dont let those cars be blocking the entrance to McDonalds.

269

t a church dinner, there was a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign thatad, TAKEONLYONEAPPLE, PLEASE. GODIs WATCHING.

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies where a youth had placed a signaying, TAKEALL THECOOKIESYOUWANT. GODISWATCHING THEAPPLES.

270

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

oah; he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

271

t Sunday school, Mr. Duncan told his students that God created everything, includinguman beings. Freddy seemed especially intent when Mr. Duncan explained that Eveas created out of one of Adams ribs.


58/168

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying on the oor and asked, Freddy,hat is the matter?

Freddy responded, I have a pain in my side. I think Im gonna have a wife.

272

he Sunday school teacher was telling his class the story of the prodigal son.ttempting to emphasize the bitterness of the elder brother, he laid stress on that partf the parable.

After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son,he teacher spoke of one who failed to share in the joyful spirit. Can anyone tell meho this was? he asked the class.

I know! I know! a young girl responded. It was the fattened calf.

273

Which Bible character had no parents?

oshua. He was the son of Nun.

274

father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, I know what theible means!

His father smiled and replied, What do you mean, you know what the Bibleeans?

The son replied, B-Basic, I-Instructions, B-Before, L-Leaving, E-Earth.

275

Sunday school teacher was reading a Bible story to her class. The man named Lotas warned to take his wife and ee out of the city, but his wife looked back and

urned to salt.A little boy softly asked, What happened to the flea?

276


59/168

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

haraohs daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

277

minister got up on Sunday and announced to his congregation, I have good newsnd bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new buildingrogram. The bad news is, its still out there in your pockets.

278

Sunday school teacher asked her little students, as they were on the way to thehurch service, And why should we be quiet in church?

A little girl replied, Because people are sleeping.

279

child was watching his mother delete e-mail messages from her in-box.

This reminds me of the Lords Prayer, the child said.

What do you mean? asked the mother.

Oh, you know. That part that says, Deliver us from e-mail.

280

When is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharaohs court.

281

wo old friends met one day after many years. The one who had attended collegeas now quite successful. The other had not attended college and never had muchmbition.

The successful one said, How has everything been going with you?

Well, one day, I closed my eyes, opened my Bible, and pointed. When I opened my


60/168

yes, I read the word oil. So I invested in oil, and the wells flowed. Then another day Iropped my nger on another word and it wasgold. So I invested in gold, and thoseines really produced. Now I have millions of dollars.

The successful friend was so impressed that he ran home, grabbed his Bible, closeds eyes, ipped it open, and dropped his nger on a page. He opened his eyes andad the words Chapter Eleven.

282

painter was hired to paint the exterior of a church. His practice was to thin theaint so that he could make a larger profit.

As he was painting the church, torrential rain began to fall, and it washed all of theaint o. As quickly as the rain began, it ended, and the sun came out. The painter

azed skyward, and a voice from above said, Repaint, and go and thin no more.

283

What was Noahs profession?

e was an ark-itect.

284

Was Noah the first one out of the ark?

o; he came forth out of the ark.

285

What did Noah say as he was loading the ark?

Now I herd everything.

286

Sunday school teacher: What happened to Tyre?

Student: The Lord punctured it.


61/168

287

little boy was praying at bedtime.

I cant hear you, whispered his mother.

Im not talking to you, the boy whispered back.

288

young boy had been begging his father for a new watch. His father, gettingustrated, nally demanded, I dont want to hear about your wanting a watchgain.

At family devotions that evening, each family member was asked to share a Bible

erse. The boy read Mark 13:37: And what I say unto you I say unto all, Watch.

289

n the first night of his grandmothers visit, a small boy was saying his prayers.

Please Lord, he shouted, send me a bicycle, a tool chest, a

Why are you praying so loud? his older brother interrupted. God isnt deaf.

I know He isnt, replied the boy. But Grandma is.

290

nswering the phone, the minister was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself

s an IRS auditor.But we do not pay taxes, the minister said.

It isnt you, sir, its a member of your congregation, Neil Smythe. He indicates ons tax return that he gave a donation of fteen thousand dollars to the church last

ear. Is this true?

The minister smiled broadly. The check hasnt arrived yet, but Im sure Ill have itfter I remind Neil.

291

ne Sunday morning, a man was pulled over by a motorcycle cop for speeding. As


62/168

he ocer asked the driver for his license and registration, passing motorists wouldow down, then honk and wave.

After about the twelfth driver passed by, honking and waving, the ocer asked thepeeder what was going on. The driver told him, I am the minister at the church aile down the road. Thats where I was going when you stopped me. The members ofy congregation recognized me.

The ocer smiled and tore up the ticket. I think youve paid your debt to society,

e proclaimed.

292

he front door of Todds home warped, causing the door to jam on occasion. To pry itpen, the family kept a hatchet handy.

One day the doorbell rang. Todd peeked out through the curtains and then shouteda voice that could be heard through the door, Quick, Kevin, its the pastor. Get the

atchet!


63/168

EDUCATION

293

schoolteacher had injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upperart of his body. It was not noticeable at all under his shirt.

On the rst day of school, he discovered that many of his students were unruly andsrespectful. He condently walked to the window and opened it. He then sat at his

esk and began looking at his notes. When a strong breeze made his tie ap, he tookhe stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.

294

Principal: This is the fourth time youve been in my office this week. What do youhave to say for yourself?

Sam: Im so glad today is Friday!

295

Jeanne: Mom, I got a hundred in school today!

Mom: Good job! What did you get a hundred in?

Jeanne: In two things. I got a forty in math and a sixty in spelling.

296

Jim: Teacher, would you be mad at somebody for something they didnt do?

Teacher: No, of course not.


64/168

Jim: Good. I didnt do my homework.

297

Teacher: Cathy, what would you do if you were being chased by a man-eating

tiger?Cathy: Nothing. Im a girl.

298

What two letters of the alphabet contain nothing?

M.T.

299

What is it that we have in December that we dont have in any other month?

he letter D.

300

What is the longest word in the English language?

miles. Theres a mile between the Ss.

301

What word starts withEand has only one letter in it?

nvelope.

302

What makes math such hard work?

ll those numbers you have to carry.


65/168

303

he English professor at school emphasized, over and over again, the importance ofeveloping an extensive vocabulary.

You have my assurance, he told the class, that if you repeat a word eight or tenmes, it will be yours for life.

In the back row, an attractive young woman sighed and, closing her eyes,hispered softly to herself, Steve, Steve, Steve

304

Father: How did you do on your tests today?

Daughter: Okay, but on one I was like Washington and Lincoln.

Father: What do you mean?

Daughter: I went down in history.

305

Teacher: The law of gravity explains why we stay on the ground.

Chloe: How did we stay on the ground before the law was passed?

306

Dad: Could you explain theDandFon your report card?Son: No problem. It stands for Doing Fine.

307

What did one math book say to the other?

Man, I got a lot of problems!

308


66/168

Charlie: Hey, Mom, tomorrow theres a small PTA meeting.

Mom: What do you mean by small?

Charlie: Well, its just you, me, and the principal.

309

Son: Great news, Dad!

Dad: Whats the great news?

Son: You dont have to buy me any new books next year. Im taking all of thesame courses again.

310

Science teacher: What is the difference between electricity and lightning?

Student: We dont have to pay for lightning.

311

m reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. I just cant put it down.

312

Just to establish some parameters, said the professor, Mr. Nelson, what is thepposite of joy?

Sadness, said the student.

And the opposite of depression, Ms. Brady?

Elation.

And you, Mr. Jackson, how about the opposite of woe?

I believe that would be giddyap.

313

Tell me, the teacher asked her students, do you know what the word cantis short


67/168

r?

Yes, said little Lucy. Its short for cannot.

Very good. And what about dont?

Little Matts hand shot up. That, he said with authority, is short for doughnut.

314

little boy, who was doing his homework one evening, turned to his father and said,Dad, where would I find the Andes?

Dont ask me, said the father. Ask your mother. She puts everything away in thisouse.

315

What kind of food do math teachers eat?

quare meals.

316

Why did the amoeba flunk the math test?

ecause it multiplied by dividing.

317

t the beginning of math class, the teacher asked, Timmy, what are 3 and 6 and 27nd 45?

Timmy quickly answered, NBC, CBS, ESPN, and the Cartoon Network!

318

hree friends were walking home from school. What should we do this afternoon?aid the first.

I know, said the second, lets ip a coin. If it comes down heads, lets go skating,nd if it comes down tails, lets go swimming.


68/168

And if it comes down on its edge, said the third, lets stay in and do ouromework!

319

Which two words have the most letters in them?ost office.

320

What state is round on both sides but high in the middle?

hio.

321

Whats a teachers favorite candy?

halk-olate.

322

id you hear about the delivery van loaded with thesauruses that crashed into a taxi?

Witnesses were astounded, shocked, taken aback, surprised, startled, dumbfounded,understruck, caught unawares.

323

What is the best state to get school supplies?

encil-vania.

324

Why is the library the tallest room in the school?

has the most stories.


69/168

325

What can spell every word in every language?

n echo.

326

mother said, Son, its time to get up and go to school.

Mom, her son replied, nobody at school likes methe students dont, theachers dont, the bus drivers dont. I dont want to go to school!

His mom rmly said, Son, you must go to school. You are healthy, you have a lot learn, and you are a leaderand besides, you are the principal!

327

Where does Thursday come before Wednesday?

the dictionary.

328

Why is a bad joke like a broken pencil?

has no point.

329

What do math teachers like to eat with their coffee?

slice of pi.

330

Who invented fractions?

enry the 1/8th.


70/168

331

very year, the teacher sent a note home with each child that read, Dear Parents, ifou promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, Ill promiseot to believe everything he or she says happens at home.

332

he kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Jonathon raised hisand and said, Miss Franklin, I aint got no crayons.

Jonathon, Miss Franklin said, you mean, I dont have any crayons. You dontave any crayons. We dont have any crayons. They dont have any crayons.

Well, said Jonathon, what happened to all the crayons?

333

philosophy professor gave a one-question nal exam. He picked up his chair,opped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: Using everything we have learned

his semester, prove that this chair does not exist.

The students began furiously writing their answers. However, one member of theass finished in less than a minute. He turned his paper in and left the room.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the class wondered how heould have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: What chair?

334

Teacher: Correct this sentence: It was me who broke the window.

Joey: It wasnt me who broke the window!

335

Teacher: What is the plural of mouse?

Student: Mice.


71/168

Teacher: Good. Now, whats the plural of baby?

Student: Twins!

336

he school board determined that speech and debate would be removed from theourse schedule; there was no argument.

337

Father: Tim, I think the reason youre getting such bad grades is because you

spend too much time watching game shows on television.Son: Dad, could you please phrase that in the form of a question?

338

Why can you always tell what Dick and Jane will do next?

heyre so easy to read.

339

Teacher: If I cut a steak in two, then cut the halves in two, what do I get?

Student: Quarters.

Teacher: Very good. And what would I get if I cut it again?

Student: Eighths.

Teacher: Great job! And if I cut it again?

Student: Sixteenths.

Teacher: Wonderful! And again?

Student: Hamburger.

340


72/168

teacher had just discussed magnets with her class. At the close of the lesson, sheaid, My name begins with mand I pick up things. What am I?

Julia thought for a moment, then answered, Mom!

341

kindergarten teacher was having a dicult time putting each childs boots on aftervery rainy morning. After some hard tugging, she nally got Barrys on his feethen he said, These arent mine.

The frustrated teacher had to pull hard to remove them from the little lads feet.

She sat down next to him and asked, So, whose boots are these?

Barry answered, Theyre my brothers, but my mom lets me wear them.

342

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that wont freeze?

Sam: Hot water.

343

Teacher: Please tell me something important that didnt exist fifty years ago.

Student: Me!

344

Why isnt there any difference between a fat chance and a slim chance?

345

n English professor wrote the following words on the blackboard: Woman withouter man is nothing. He then requested that his students punctuate the sentenceorrectly.

The men wrote: Woman, without her man, is nothing.

The women wrote: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.


73/168

346

racy hadnt talked to her grandparents for a while and decided she should call andpdate them.

I had a terrible time! she told them. First o I got tonsillitis, followed byppendicitis and pneumonia. After that, I got rheumatism, and to top it o they gave

e hypodermics and inoculations. I thought I would neverget through that spellingee!

347

Father: You have four Ds and a C on your report card!

Son: I know. I think I concentrated too much on the one subject.

348

rs. Oliver asked her class to write a composition on the subject of baseball. Youave thirty minutes to complete it, she told her class.

Sarah handed in her paper after writing for less than a minute.You cant be finished already, said Mrs. Oliver.

Yes, I am, proclaimed Sarah.

Mrs. Oliver looked at her paper and read: Game called off on account of rain.

349

rs. Davis asked her English class, Can anyone give me a sentence with a directbject?

Zach raised his hand and said, Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in thehool.

Why, thank you, Zach, replied Mrs. Davis. And what is the object?

To get the best grade I can, said Zach.

350


74/168

Teacher: What are the Great Plains?

Student: The 747, Concorde, and F-16.

351

hortly after Christmas vacation, Jasmine came home with a bad report card. Herother asked her, What was the trouble?

Jasmine answered, Oh, there was no trouble. You know how things are alwaysarked down after the holidays.

352

third-grade class went to an art museum. They were instructed to sit and wait untilhe guide was ready to begin the tour. Two boys, however, decided to explore on theirwn. They walked down a hallway and entered a room filled with modern art pieces.

Quick, said one, runbefore they say we did it!

353

augh, and the class laughs with you. But you get detention alone.

354

aying hooky is like a credit card. Fun now, pay later.

355

Dad: Why were you expelled from school?

Matt: I used a hose to fill up the swimming pool.

Dad: I didnt know the school had a swimming pool.Matt: Well, it does now!

356


75/168

linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. In the English language, heaid, a double negative forms a positive. In other languages, such as Russian, aouble negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a doubleositive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room said, Yeah, right.

357

iss Evans addressed her third-grade class after recess: Did anyone lose a dollar onhe playground?

I did, Miss Evans, said Rob. A dollar bill fell out of my pocket.

But this was four quarters, said Miss Evans.

Hmm, replied Rob. It must have broken when it hit the ground.

358

ow did you pass the entrance exam for candy-making school?

was simple. I fudged it.

359

ennifer: Are you in the top half of your class?

aura: No, Im one of the students who make the top half possible.

360

man was visiting his alma mater. He paused to admire the newly constructedhakespeare Hall.

Its marvelous to see a building named for William Shakespeare, he commented tohe tour guide.

Actually, said the guide, its named for Stephen Shakespeare. No relation.

Oh, was Stephen Shakespeare a writer, also? the visitor asked.

Well, yes, said his guide. He wrote the check.


76/168

361

What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?

eapot.

362

zzies parents received a note from her first-grade teacher.

Lizzie is a wonderful student, the teacher wrote, but when we have coloringrojects, she draws everything in gray. Flowers, people, the sky, buildings, cars, grass

everything is gray. This is highly unusual for a rst-grade student. Can you think ofpossible explanation? I think it would be in her best interest for us to assist her in

orking through whatever problem she may have.That night, Lizzies parents sat down with her and asked her why everything she

rew was in gray. Why have you chosen that as your special color? they asked her.

Well, she began, I didnt want to tell you. But a couple of weeks ago I lost myew box of crayons. The only one I have left is the gray one I found in the pocket ofy backpack.

363

What would life be like if there were no hypothetical questions?


77/168

ELECTRONICS AND MECHANISMS

364

What did the big hand on the clock say to the little hand?

ll be around in an hour.

365

Computer salesperson: This computer will do half your work for you.

Customer: Then Ill take two!

366

mountaineer and his son went to the city for the rst time. In one of the buildings,he man saw a set of doors open, an old woman enter, and the doors close. Soon theoors opened again, and a young woman stepped out.

The man turned to his son and said, You stay here. Im going for your mother toun her through that machine.

367

What do videos do on their days off?

hey unwind.

368


78/168

kind woman watched a small boy as he tried to reach the doorbell of a house.

Thinking she should help, she walked up to the doorbell and rang it for him.

Okay, what now? the woman asked the boy.

Run like crazy, he answered. Thats what Im gonna do!

369

Father to teenage daughter: Did I hear the clock strike two as you came in lastnight?

Daughter: Oh, it started to strike eleven, but I stopped it so that it wouldnt wakeyou up.

370

Which way did the programmer go?

e went data way.

371

Why was the computer so tired when it got home from the office?

ecause it had a hard drive .

372

What kind of cola do keyboards like?

ab.

373

Tech Support: I need you to right-click.

Customer: Okay.

Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.


79/168

Tech Support: Okay. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: Okay, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer: Sure, you told me to write click and I wrote click.

374

When you read a message on your computer that says, THEAPPLICATIONCAUSED AN ERROR.

HOOSEIGNORE ORCLOSE, it means, ITDOESNTMAKEANYDIFFERENCE;YOURENEVERGOING TOSEEYOUR

WORKAGAIN.

375

ow can you tell a good computer programmer from a bad computer programmer?

he good one always comes through when the chips are down.

376

emember when

an application was for employment?

a CD was a bank account?

a program was a show on television?

a web was a spiders home?

a hard drive was a long car ride?memory was something you lost as you got older?

a keyboard was a piano?

a virus was the flu?

377

Why dont computers eat anything?

hey dont like whats on their menus.


80/168

378

ow do you catch a runaway computer?

With an Internet.

379

Why did the man turn on his computer on a hot day?

e wanted to open the Windows.

380

Why couldnt the girl type on her computer?

he lost her keys.

381

Whats the first sign that a computer is getting old?

has memory problems.

382

Why shouldnt you take your computer into rush-hour traffic?

ecause it might crash.

383

ack in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to expand theirroduct line, and since they already made the cases for pocket watches, they decided market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. Although their watches were of

he nest quality, their compasses were so bad that people were continually gettingst.

This, of course, is the origin of the expression, He who has a Tates is lost!


81/168

384

Whats the difference between a red light and a green light?

he color, silly.

385

frustrated father vented, When I was a teenager and got in trouble, I was sent toy room without supper. But my son has his own color television, telephone,

omputer, and CD player in his room.

So what do you do to him? asked his friend.

I send him to myroom! exclaimed the father.

386

What do you call a watch worn on a belt?

waist of time.

387

he new housekeeper answered the telephone and replied, Yes, you are correct.

Again the phone rang and the housekeeper answered it. Yes, maam, it certainly!

Who was that? asked the owner of the house.

I really dont know, she replied. Some woman kept saying, Its a long-distanceall from Canada, and I said, It certainly is!

388

couple owned a grandfather clock that struck each hour. It began to malfunction

ne day, striking five at ten oclock, striking nine at two oclock, and so on.That night at eleven oclock, it struck fourteen.

The woman jumped up and shook her husband, saying, Get up, dear! Its laterhan its ever been before!


82/168

389

wo kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner.

Whatever you do, said one youngster to the other, dont step on it!

Why not? asked the sibling.

Because every time Mom does, she lets out an awful loud scream!

390

computer technician was called to a small business to repair a computer. He wasntble to nd a close parking spot, so he left his car in a No PARKINGzone and placed a

ote on his windshield saying, James Bauer, computer technician, working inside the

uilding.

He completed his work within thirty minutes and returned to his car to nd a ticketith a note that read, Peter Westin, police officer, working outside the building.


83/168

FAMILY MATTERS

391

Lizzie: Mommy, Zach broke my baby doll.

Mommy: Im sorry, sweetheart. How did it happen?Lizzie: I hit him over the head with it.

392

Mother: Tommy, why did you kick your little sister in the stomach?

Tommy: I couldnt help it. She turned around too quick.

393

Mother: Why are you crying?

Mark: Dad hit his hand with a hammer.

Mother: Im surprised youre not laughing.

Mark: I did.

394

Elizabeth: My mom has the worst memory.Melissa: She forgets everything?

Elizabeth: No, she remembers everything.


84/168

395

other: Kids, what are you arguing about?

avid: Oh, there isnt any argument. Lisa thinks Im not going to give her half of myandy, and I think the same thing.

396

Gabe: Why are you down?

Mike: My sister said she wouldnt talk to me for two weeks.

Gabe: Why should that upset you?

Mike: Todays the last day.

397

etey came home from school with another black eye. Have you been ghtinggain? his mother asked him.

Im sorry, Mom, he replied.I told you the next time you lost your temper, you should count to ten.

I did, said Petey. But Jimmys mom told him to only count to ve, so he hit merst.

398

man was purchasing a fountain pen. I suppose this is to be a surprise, sir? askedhe clerk.

Oh, yes it is, replied the man. Its my sons birthday, and he asked for a newar.

399

is truly said that children brighten a homethey never turn o

777 great clean jokes - jennifer hahn

Documents