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Post on 16-Apr-2017

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  • MalaysianJokes

  • #1 Watch itBoss: You want to be our new night watchman?Are you qualified for the job?Applicant: Of course I am.Boss: What makes you think so?Applicant:The slightest amount of noise wakes me up.

  • #2 Give me a breakJudge: Why did you break a vase over your husbands head?Accused: Well, when I asked him what he thought of my new dress, he said, Itll never go out of style it will look just as ridiculous year after year. But it was an accident, Your Honour. Judge: How could it have been an accident?Accused: I had no intention of breaking the vase!

  • #3 Cut short A man approached his neighbour. Tan, he asked, will you be using your golf clubs on Saturday? Tan replied, Yes, Im playing golf this Saturday. Good. Then you wont be needing your lawnmower. Im afraid I wont be able to lend it to you, Tan said, shamefaced.

    The fellow I borrowed it from says the owner wants it back.

  • #4 Driving it home The reckless driver of the taxi went through red lights and swerved around corners. His sole passenger, scared out of his wits, just stopped himself saying, You drive like you own the road when you dont even own the taxi, and managed, Please be careful I have ten children at home. The taxi driver retorted, You have 10 children and youre telling me to be careful?

  • #5 A matter of principleSamy: I feel like punching the headmaster in the nose again.Ali: What do you mean, again?Samy: I felt like it yesterday, too.Ali: What did he do to you?Samy: He faxed my report card to my fathers office!

  • #6Brush-offThe doctor said to the sick prostitute, Take these pills, eat a non-greasy diet, and in three days you should be well and happy. How much do I owe you? she asked. Forty ringgit. For forty ringgit, she said, Ill do anything you ask.The doctor replied, Paint my house.

  • #7Switch bitchRosy: Thats a beautiful coat youre wearing.Daisy: Yes, it costs RM360 just to dry-clean!Rosy: Wow, did your husband change jobs?Daisy:No, I changed husbands!

  • #8Half seriousLee: Ive been asked to get married many times.Ong: Who asked you?Lee: My father and my mother!Ong: But I thought you already have a girlfriend.Lee:Yes, but she and I are only half serious about getting married: I am and she isnt.

  • #9No kiddingTeacher: How old is your mother?Ah Gong: She is as old as I.Teacher: How can that be?Ah Gong: She became a mother only when I was born.Teacher: Hmmm, interesting. And what was your mother before her marriage?Ah Gong:Before her marriage, I had no mother.

  • #10The X ReportAh Moy: How did you do in the exam?Ah Mei: History does have a habit of repeating itself. Ive failed it again.Ah Moy: What did your father say about it?Ah Mei: He gave me a stern warning and signed my report card with an X.Ah Moy: An X? Why?Ah Mei:He doesnt want the teacher to know that anyone who could read and write has a daughter like me.

  • #11All earsTourist: What do you do with all that corn?Farmer: Well, we eat what we can, and what we cant we can.Tourists wife: What did he say dear?Tourist:He said they ate what they could, and what they couldnt they could.

  • #12A friendSam: You told me the other day that youd be a friend to me to the end.Lim: Thats right.Sam: Thats wonderful. Will you lend me RM 13?Lim: No.Sam: Youre not superstitious, are you?Lim:No, but this is the end.

  • The EndA laugh a day keeps the doctor away.With Metta,Bro.Oh Teik Bin