When Saying ‘No’ Seems To Be The Hardest Word 05 Nov 2012

By taking a step back and saying ‘No’ lovingly to the people around you, you are not only freeing

yourself from obligations, you are also doing them a lot of good. Yes, this includes your precious little

ones, too. – By Tanny Chia

“You are not special. You are not exceptional.”

A U.S. high school teacher made this extraordinary statement to a graduating class earlier this year,

which made headlines for going against the very grain of modern ‘positive parenting’.

Far from being cruel, he was cautioning against over-entitlement in a generation of youths who are

having their way too easily. Part of the cause — overindulgent parents.

Experts say setting limits by enforcing rules and discipline is essential for proper emotional

development. Giving in to every request can make the child feel unsafe, especially for pre-school and

primary school children, says Chang-Goh Song Eng, Head of REACH Counselling. “Safety is assured

when they see parents taking charge and applying rules consistently and lovingly,” she explained.

Why saying ‘No’ to your child is a good thing Michelle A., a director of a brand agency and mother to her 6-year-old daughter Olivia, sees valuable

lessons to be learnt from turning down or delaying children’s requests. “Delayed gratification will help

them appreciate things more, learn they’ve to work for it, and that they won’t always get their way in

life,” she explains. Instead of a flat refusal, Michelle will explain her decision to Olivia. If Olivia

demands candy at dinnertime, Michelle explains to her that snacking will spoil her appetite, and

instead offer a sweet after dinner.

For older children, it is necessary to say ‘No’ to a request or task that you think will benefit them by

doing it themselves. For example, if your primary school child asks you to do her school assignment

because it is too hard for her, you can tell her that you will help her plan and find the materials she

needs but she will need to execute the project on her own. By lovingly rejecting some requests, you

are helping your child grow into independence and maturity.

Some parents find it hard to reject their children’s request because of guilt. This is especially common

in working parents who tend to over-compensate their time away from home by giving in to their

children’s request. Online editor Joyce J. Chansingh took to giving in to her 10-year-old son’s

requests for books and action figurines to make up for his heavy schoolwork and lack of playtime. “At

times I’m worried about over-indulging him but then it’s always a nice feeling to see that sparkle in his

eyes.” (See sidebox for Tips on Saying ‘No’).

While it is necessary to deny children sometimes, parents need to take care not to overdo it. Some

parenting experts believe saying ‘no’ indiscriminately can plant the seeds of rebellion in the future or

hinder a child’s willingness to push boundaries for fear of disapproval.

Quit over-functioning If you are someone who always says ‘Yes’ to requests from your spouse or family members because

you feel that you are the best person to get things done, you are over-functioning. Over-functioning is

doing more than your share, stepping in to help and stepping up to rescue. When we give too much to

others, we often under-value ourselves, which leads to resentment.

Song Eng explained that in a marriage, “oneness and building emotional connections does not imply

that each has to give in to the other all the time or have one party doing the ‘giving in’ most of the

time.” Doing the latter upsets the power balance in the marital ecosystem, with one party bound to be

upset sooner or later. This could lead to avoidance or constant arguments.

If your spouse is capable of ironing his own shirts, let him do it. If your mom calls you to tell you to

host dinner at your house for a family gathering this weekend and you are up to your neck with a

project, don’t feel compelled to say ‘Yes’. Suggest bringing the family to a nearby restaurant or get

everyone to contribute a dish. If your colleague is not performing, instead of picking up his slack, sit

down with him and tell him clearly what you expect from him.

Recognise your own needs and limitations and understand that you are not rejecting the person when

you say ‘No’. Even when you have to bear with the tantrums, cold shoulder treatment, or snide

remarks, remember that you’re drawing boundaries not just for your own well-being, but also for the

good of your loved ones.

When it comes to saying ‘No’, the adage “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it” usually

applies. Here are some tips on how to say ‘No’ without hurting relationships:

Listen to the request respectfully and acknowledge the thoughts and feelings of the other

party.

Be honest. People are more understanding than we think.

When you are unable to make a decision, say ‘Let me think about it’ instead of being

pressured into saying ‘Yes’.

Even after you have said ‘Yes’ , you can still change your mind. Follow up with the person

and say, ‘I’m sorry I promised to (the task/obligations) without thinking. Fact is, I’m unable to

commit to it at this point in time.’

Offer alternatives, and learn to use words other than ‘No’. Try saying ‘I’m sorry I can’t give you

a ride today. Maybe next time.’