Welcome back to the Vetinari Dualegacy! This is Chapter 25.5: Wayward Son!

Last time, some kids grew up, Cass and Gil pwned Jake, the Uglacy ghosts went on a rampage, and also Ben Ali decided to ask Cypress for help with his heirship problem, which ended with Cypress and a butcher knife.

You know, the usual.

“Ow.”

“Have a seat.”

“What? Where am I?”

“Sit down, kid.”

“Yeah, okay Chris Matthews, I'll just go do that. Now where the hell am I, and who the hell are you?”

“I said SIT DOWN!”

“Yaagh!”

“So... I guess this means I'm dead, huh?”

“I'm sorry.”

“Are... Are you, you know, the dead guy in the yard? Because you sort of look like him.”

“Yeah, that was me.”

“Uncle Sawchuk said you're Cypress's son. Spider something.”

“Also yeah. One-half death-obsessed nutjob, one-half Grim Reaper.”

“OhGodI'mdead. I'm just a kid, and I'm dead, and my parents are going to be so pissed at me. What am I supposed to do? I didn't think I'd die. I messed up real bad, didn't I?”

“Understatement.”

“Aren't angels supposed to be comforting?”

“Let's get one thing straight: I'm no fucking angel.”

“Then what—?”

“I'm not here to hold your damn hand and tell you it'll all be okay, because guess what?You fucked up big time and you paid for it with your life. You were warned against doing the very thing you did, and hey! They were right. So I'm sorry if I'm not all full of kittens and sunshine over here.”

“I just wanted—“

“You just wanted to be given something you had no damn right to.”

“I thought I would be better at being the heir.”

“Because clearly self-entitled little shits make the very best heirs. Especially ones who are dumb enough to go walking into a den of hungry lions wearing a suit made of porkchops. There is a reason the last selfish asshole is currently petting his white cat in his volcano lair instead of dead like he would be if he'd been the heir, and that's because selfish assholes are in it for themselves, and not for the future. You know, the future that's the point of this whole damn thing?”

“I get it, okay? I messed up. I was stupid. And now I'm, I'm dead and I'm kind of freaking out, and you're yelling at me, which I probably deserve, but it's not helping, and I don't even know what I'm supposed to do next. Do I just stay here forever?”

“God forbid. I ain't lookin' for a roommate, kid.”

“So, what? I just... go away, wherever the rest of my family is?”

“I might could do that. Or there's Option B, where I give you one last chance to see your family and tell 'em you're sorry.”

“But you're pissed off at me. And I don't wanna go home and scare everyone.”

“One-time shot. Death Spicoli didn't come for you and take you all the way to the other side. There was a window of opportunity. I took it and dragged you here instead. You're not quite all-the-way dead yet. I can send your spirit back—not like a ghost, but like you—but it won't be for long, just long enough to apologize. Once time's up, you'll go to the other side, and even I can't stop that.”

“Why?”

“'Cause getting murdered fucking sucks, and given the circumstances, I think you realize how badly you fucked up, and your family deserves to know that you're sorry.”

“You can't make me be alive again?”

“I don't have that kind of power. So what'll it be? Go on, or go back?”

“Back. I wanna say goodbye.”

“Okay. Then I need you to do something for me. Tell them that the Uglacy has to know that my father is coming for them. It started at the Uglacy, and that's where he'll try to finish it. They have to know.”

“I'll tell them.”

“Hey, um... Did... Did it, you know... Hurt?”

“Time to send you home, kid.”

“Thanks for coming, you two!”

“Well, we know how much you like your parties.”

“I can't believe I'm getting old!”

“Looks like the whole family's here, though. I'm guessing Ben's sulking somewhere?”

“Probably. He'll show up for the confetti, I'm sure.”

“Oh, Nikolai, this was on the porch. It must be for you guys.”

“Who would be giving us a present and just leaving it on the porch? That's weird.”

“It's gotta be yours though, right? Maybe Bell or Carver dropped it off.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Hey, it's getting close to six o'clock. Have either of you seen your brother?”

“Nooo!”

“Nope!”

“Nikolai? Who's the box from?”

“No idea. Howie said he found it on the porch.”

“What's in it?”

“Linds? That's a weird present.”

“Oh my God, it's my son!”

“Sawchuk, you don't think... I mean, we talked him out of it, didn't we?”

“We made ourselves clear, but beyond that...”

“Sawchuk! You knew? You knew something like this was going to happen and you didn't tell me?”

“No! He came around asking questions about Cypress and we told him in no uncertain terms to stay away! We had no idea what he was planning.”

“He was asking questions about Cypress and you didn't see fit to tell me? What is wrong with you? My son is dead because of that!”

“Lindsay, if he's dead, it's not because of anything Howie and I did.”

“If he's dead? There's an urn on my kitchen table and I have a missing son who's apparently been asking about the biggest murderer in the neighborhood! Who else would it be?”

“I don't know! It could be almost anyone!”

“It's not! And you should have told me about Ben!”

“Would it have made a difference? How could you have stopped him?”

“I would have found a way! I could have changed his mind!”

“We tried! Obviously he wasn't in a place of listening to logic and good advice!”

“And what right did you have to make that determination for me?”

“If you're such a great parent, how could you be living with him and not know what was on his mind?”

“This is not my fault!”

“Well, it's not mine either!”

“Stop it! Everybody just stop!”

“Ben!”

“This is my fault, okay? Mine, and no one else's. Uncle Sawchuk and Uncle Howie warned me, but I didn't listen. I thought I knew better. I was wrong. What I did was really, really stupid and I wish I hadn't done it, but no one was going to change my mind. Stop blaming each other for what I did.”

“I don't... I don't know how much time I have, other than not a lot. I promised that I'd pass along a message. He said—the dead guy in the yard, Spider, Cypress's son—he said that you have to warn the Uglacy that Cypress is coming for them. He said that's where the whole thing started, and that's where Cypress will want to finish it. You have to tell them, because I can't. He made it sound important that they know, so you have to do this for me.”

“Benjy? Are you really dead?”

“Yeah. Look, I'm sorry for all the horrible things I did and said to you. I was selfish and stupid and you didn't do anything to deserve me being an ass to you. I'm really, really sorry.”

“It's okay. I'm sorry I called you 'Benjy' all those times. And also just now.”

“...You can call me Benjy if you want. But you don't have anything you need to apologize for. Not like me.”

“Ben! We'll bring you back!”

“We all know you can't. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry I put everyone through this. I was so stupid! And I don't have enough time to say all the things I want to say.”

“You can stay as long as you want.”

“It's not up to me.”

“Mom, don't!”

“Oh!”

“I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry to everybody, for everything, but I didn't deserve this, I know I was stupid and selfish and mean, but I'm just a kid and I'm dead and I didn't deserve this, I just made a mistake and I shouldn't have died because of it, and I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, and I'm scared and I'm sorry and—”

“Do we really have to grow up now?”

“I think we do.”

“Worst birthday ever.”

“Nikolai, do you want to make the call, or should I?”

“They know you better, but I'll do it if you want.”

“No, you're right.”

“Wait, what? Ben's dead? Lindsay, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what that's like. ...He came back to say that? Yeah, I'll pass it along. Thanks, Linds. And I'm sorry.”

“Bad news, guys. Ben Ali is dead. Cypress killed him.”

“What?”

“Lindsay called and told me. She said he was able to come back for a few minutes, and he had a message for us. Specifically, us. Cypress is going to try to end this where it began: here.”

“Jack, I wish that were better news.”

“Yeah, me too. So one of my friends is dead and I'm walking around with a target on my chest. Awesome.”

“Your mom and I will be here until Gen 10. Once you have a kid, it's over and we'll all be safe.”

“Fine, so I'll skip college and grow up and have a kid and that'll be it.”

“I don't want you to do that. I want you to go to college, and have fun, but be careful about it. Skipping college won't change anything except for Cypress's timeline.”

“That's not really comforting.”

“Right now, I don't think anything is.”

In the downstairs bathroom, Ghost!Tess acts all innocent, like she's only going to come into your house and clean up after all the slobs that live there.

Ghost!Tess is not innocent. She just wants to lull you in to a false sense of security. Then comes the nightly reign of terror.

In less awful news, the dogs got their groove on in the doghouse, without a gardener around to cheer them on. Puppies on the way!

Oh, good.

Archie apparently comes in the house now.

I can see absolutely no way in which this will go horribly wrong.

</sarcasm>

Jack, meanwhile, has decided to take his daily dose of frightening out of the ghosts' spectral hands, and chooses to play with the Evil Jack-in-the-Box instead.

Those were for Bucky, Marco, and Faraday, you dink.

“Cough, cough, oh, don't mind me, I'm not over here in the corner DYING OR ANYTHING.”

“Lalalalalala, if I ignore it, it's not really happening, lalalalalala...”

“TRY TO IGNORE THIS!”

“Hiiiii, Uncle Archie! Can it be my turn next?”

Quick, Paulie! Go outside, where it's safe!

Francesca and Stevie grow up.

Stevie's hair does not seem to have an Elder gray.

Francie's adult outfit did not seem to have a working fat morph.

All my ladies seem to be required to grow up into island-themed clothing.

Paulie seems underwhelmed.

It was About That Time for Jack, so I sent him on a date with Tahiti to get his Aspiration up.

Their date was pretty typical for Teen dates at the roller rink.

“Hi, sweetie! Have a nice date! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!”

“Aunt Channon, you're an Outgoing Pleasure Sim. There is literally NOTHING you wouldn't do!”

“I know! Carry on!”

Fortunately, Jack ignored Tahiti's impromptu chaperone and kicked himself into Platinum so he could leave for college.

“Have a good time at college, Jack. But be careful. I mean it.”

“Promise, Dad.”

Vex earned a Wishing Well, so Gretzky and Kati got to have things like dates and First Kisses and all that good stuff.

You have already seen these Teens recently, or you will shortly. This is a Pleasure- and Romance-heavy generation, so the Teen Townies are sort of making the rounds.

For instance, Kati's boyfriend was formerly seen passed out on the Uglacy's back porch.

And, thanks to one thing or another, George is perfectly happy playing poker with two more targets while Kati makes a move on one of his boyfriends in the next room.

You will also see THESE Teen Townies later.

Duncan and Tyler Landgraab are sort of relaxing. I don't have to worry about fights, and because of the girl/boy ratio right now, I don't have to worry about Inappropriate Date Drops from the gypsy.

Duncan earns bonus points for being good at taking care of himself. He served up grilled cheese sandwiches without any prompting from me! And quick dates with Lawrin keep his Aspiration up.

Tyler doesn't have a girlfriend yet, but the gypsy fixes that.

That particular Townie is the sort of goth-y Downtownie Teen girl, who got a head-to-toe makeover at Stevie's Pants. Her name is Ashlee, which I only remember because it cracked me up that the badass goth chick is named Ashlee.

Anyway, I told you you'd be seeing her again!

“PLEASE TELL ME THIS DATE IS NOT ICKY.”

It took Kinsey a few times to get a date drop that wasn't uncomfortably related or otherwise off-limits. And, because she's Kinsey, it was like pulling teeth to get a reasonably good date out of Daniel Tuberculosisov.

Maui and Tahiti, on the other hand, passed Paulie around like he was a plate of deviled eggs at my family's Christmas parties.

Paulie did not care one bit.

Side trip time!

“Gil! Long time no see! I thought maybe you'd forgotten how to get here.”

“Hardly! I've been busy. You know how it goes.”

“Sure. So what's new?”

“I've been seeing someone. Cassidy.”

“Let me guess: sorority girl who looks good in a miniskirt?”

“Not exactly.”

“Wait, you don't... You don't mean Cassidy Vetinari. Gil. You're not.”

“He's a nice guy, Malcolm.”

“He's a self-abusive drunk.”

“He's sober now, and obviously he's not with Jake any longer.”

“So, what, you're just making excuses for him?”

“Do I need to?”

“Gilbert, have you forgotten who he is? Who his father is? Who his father is to me? Your precious Cassidy's father killed two of my children, and he probably had a hand in my wife's death too! Did you really want me to give your relationship with Cassidy my seal of approval? And have you even thought about what you're putting yourself in the middle of?I could claim ignorance when I married Sycamore, but you're well aware of the risks involved in getting close and personal with someone related to Cypress. What if he decides he's not done messing with Cassidy? You're putting yourself in the damn crosshairs!”

“I'm not with Cassidy to spite you, and I'm not afraid of Cypress Vetinari.”

“You damn well should be! You're smarter than this! Think with your upstairs brain and stop dating the murdering psychopath's mentally unstable offspring!”

“Cassidy is a victim too! Do you really think he doesn't feel awful about the things his father's done? He's too kind a person not to! He's lived through things no one should have to, and yes, he's not the poster child for mental health, but he's getting better!”

“He will never be whole and you know it! Even I know it and I'm not even dating him! You're risking your life to help someone who's permanently broken, and you're telling yourself it's worth it!”

“He is worth it, Malcolm. And by the by, when we had this conversation with the roles reversed, was I as insufferable as you are right now?”

“Very much so.”

“Then I offer a belated apology. Was your insistence on pursuing your relationship with Coco worth it?”

“...I don't know. I love Archie and Xander, but losing them was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.”

“You thought it was worth the risk at the time, though. And so do I.”

“No chance of me talking you out of it?”

“I love him, Malcolm. I told him I'd marry him.”

“I don't see a ring, though.”

“It was sort of spontaneous.”

“Spontaneous? Or a sliver of doubt? I know you, Gilbert. You've never been one for settling down. Just consider the idea that an 'unofficial' engagement is a way to leave yourself an out. Think about it. Is Cassidy really the one you're going to leave your comfortable bachelor ways for? This isn't a decision to make lightly, and you know it. Don't do something you might not live long enough to regret.”

At the Prettacy, Lilah has her kittens. The orange one is Spike and the brown one is Angel.

Angel is a girl.

I'm partial to Spike, mainly because I haven't had an orange kitten yet.

In preparation for college, Jojo and Lawrin get a few more dates in.

“Are you sure you have to go?”

“It'll be fine, Mom!”

“Call me every day! I'll worry if you don't.”

“Okeydoke!”

“And you too! I don't know what I'll do if anything happens to you.”

“We'll be fine, Mom. Honest.”

And with that, the Prettacy kids have left the nest.

Yeah, these two like to pillow fight in the middle of the night after the ghosts have scared them awake.

I'm not even kidding about how bad it is.

Even guests aren't immune, and unlike Joyce, Brett's a Fortune Sim, so he was in no way looking forward to meeting Tess.

These days, it's almost always Tess. She haunts damn near every night, and scares at least two people every time.

It's bad. I have no idea how Paulie hasn't lost his marbles yet.

Somehow, Archie managed to finally scare Francie. She's had that Want locked for WEEKS, and she's the only one in the house who hasn't gotten scared multiple times in that same timespan.

And puppies! The black one is Buffy, and the other two are Xander and Willow. I'm pretty sure Nina is nuzzling Xander here.

Because five dogs is a lot of dogs, Stevie sold Groo and Nina to Ellie.

Three dogs is still a lot of dogs, but it's not as many as five.

Safety in numbers, perhaps? I don't blame George for not wanting to sleep in bed. It's pretty ghost-y up there.

George is still churning out the Loves for his LTW. He's halfway there, whoa-oooh, livin' on a prayer, take my hand and we'll make it I swear...

That song has been stuck in my head all day.

Yesterday it was Psycho Killer.

Qu'est-ce que c'est?

In other news, I got a smartphone and Pandora is AWESOME and I want to make sweet sweet love to it down by the fire.

Right now, the Wishing Well resets at night, which is OK since it's better outside at night than inside. In the past, nighttime outdoor dating was fraught with peril (PERIL), but now it's sweet relief.

And George picks up another couple of Loves before curfew.

The next day, with a few judicious dates, he manages to snag Puffy Vest Tricou, Blonde Girl, and Pink Shirt Girl.

And then keeps on keepin' on with a bunch of others.

You may have recognized the redhead (aka Not Rose Goss) and Daniel Tuberculosisov in there.

But it's our little friend Goth Ashlee who becomes George's 20th Simultaneous Lover, kicking him into PermaPlat and making it so he never has to worry about being haunted into Aspiration Failure ever again.

Thank you, Goth Ashlee! Your contribution has been duly noted.

Paulie? Less lucky.

Date time!

Tahiti again, because at this point, why not?

Uncle Edmund Fitzgerald was not even the most annoying date-crasher this time around.

ARGH RHEA GO HOME.

Paulie and George head to college, comforted by the knowledge that there are no ghosts at Havelock House, and, unlike Jack, they won't be moving back to the Uglacy, and can therefore live out the rest of their lives without ever pissing themselves in fear again.

Maui and Tahiti left as well.

And I totally missed a shot of Maui leaving, but I got one of Tahiti waving to her, which counts, right?

Gretzky and Kati snuck out in the dead of night.

Kaylee ran out to wave to Kati, and then resumed her rigorous schedule of stalking Abel, even though he was sound asleep at the time.

Duncan, Tyler, and Kinsey were the last to go.

At least Duncan and Tyler's parents were in the same room to wave at them as they left.

Six and Inara sort of dropped the ball on that one when Kinsey headed for the taxi.

One last bit of business before we go!

“I'm surprised you got dessert, since you don't like sweets.”

“Well, it came with dinner. I guess I'll just box it up and you can have it later.”

“Heh. I'm not one to turn down free snacks! So what'd you bring me here for anyway? Not that I'm complaining about getting to go on a date with you.”

“I wanted to make tonight special.”

“Why? What's tonight? Is it like an anniversary or something and I just forgot? Oh crap, I forgot something important, didn't I?”

“No, Cass, nothing like that.”

“Then what?”

“I know you think it's a difficult decision for me to settle down with you because I'm a Romance Sim. But it's not a difficult decision at all. It's maybe the easiest decision I've ever made, because I love you, and I want to prove it.”

“Gil, is that—?”

“I said I'd marry you, but I want to make it official.”

“But—I mean—”

“Cassidy, will you marry me?”

“Of course I will, Gil, you know that. I didn't need a ring to make it real for me.”

“Maybe you didn't need one, but you deserve one. And now you know, without question, that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Even knowing what I'm like?”

“I'm in love with who you are. End of story.”

“Gilbert, I love you so much. I wish I'd met you before all the bad stuff, so maybe I wouldn't be so messed up.”

“I wish I could change the past for you, Cass, but I can't. All I can do is promise to make the future be as amazing as I can.”

“That's already more than I ever hoped for.”

“It's the least I can do for the man I love.”

Next time: college!