The strong-willed child

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The strong- willed child Parents of strong-willed children often wonder,

“How did we create this intense, relentlessly

challenging child? Are we parenting okay? Are

these really my genes, or can I blame my spouse?“

Few parents acknowledge the positive side of

having a strong-willed child – at least not until the

child has emerged from childhood! But when you

look at our leaders, sports heroes, and people who

have achieved significantly, you are usually looking

at people who, as children, were indeed ‘more’.

They have harnessed their strengths and directed

them into causes that impact others positively.

Good questions to ask yourself

• What is really going on here?

• Why is my child behaving like this?

• Are there any unmet needs I need to focus on?

Appreciate that the behaviour we see in a child is a

reflection of how they are feeling. A child who feels

right acts right. Part of keeping our children on

board with us is finding out how they tick.

How to interact with your strong-willed child1. Keep anger out of your voiceA strong-willed child tends to challenge you and

defend themselves. The issue gets lost as they fight

with the ‘fight’ in you. Speak calmly and quietly.

2. Use ‘yes’ whenever you can, and ‘no’ sparinglyMany of our children’s requests can be given a ‘yes’,

if we take the time to rephrase our response. When

your child asks at 5pm, “Can I have Timothy over to

play?”, the usual answer would be, “No, look at the

time!” However, if we respond with something that

shows we are thinking about their needs, the child

feels respected but realises certain requirements

are necessary for such an activity to take place.

“It would be great to have Timothy around to play.

Let’s plan what day would be suitable and invite

him over.”

3. Give them the chance to convince you of a requestEvery now and then give your child the privilege

of going away and working out a convincing

argument about why they should be allowed to

do something. Let them spend their energy on good

reasons why you should agree to their request.

If their reasons are good, and they put them politely,

agree with them. It is great for them to learn that

they can achieve very positive results from good

request-making.

4. Don’t sweat the small stuffThere are so many potential battles, every day!

Decide which ones are worth the effort. Does it really

matter if your child wears mismatching clothes to

kindergarten? Does he really need to pack his toys

away now, or will any time before lunch be okay?

5. Remove yourself from the heatIt is a wise parent who knows when to say, “I am

going for a walk around the house to cool down.

We will talk about this later.” Let your child know

that if they want an answer now, it is, “No”, but if

they will give you a few minutes, you will give it

some thought.

Strong-willed children learn to respect their parents’

boundaries, especially if they know they are more

likely to consider their requests given some time and

space. Develop a strategy where you let things settle

before you make a final decision. As we learn to bring

self-control to situations, so do our children.

6. Offer choicesYour child feels a sense of significance when given

the responsibility and privilege of choices. It allows

them to practise thinking for themselves. There are

a number of areas where you can invite your child to

have input. Parents set the limits and offer choices

within those limits. They can become so absorbed

with the choice, they forget to kick against the limit!

Younger children can have choices too – such as

what colour shoes to put on, a banana or apple

to eat, going to bed on dad’s back or dad’s feet,

holding hands to cross the road or being carried.

As they get older, it might be choosing how to

spend their allowance, which sport to play, or

whether they complete chores immediately or

before a mealtime.

Now, some strong-willed children will invent a

choice you have not included. When you say,

“Are you going to wear your sandals or your

blue shoes?”, they may say, “I want to wear my

gumboots.” This is where you decide whether this

falls into the ‘small stuff’ basket or whether it is a

big issue. If it doesn’t really matter (except for the

fact that you know their little feet are going to get

hot and sweaty), then admire their choice and

leave it at that.

Should they complain about the choice during

the day, just empathise graciously. Next time they

make that choice it may be helpful to say, “I see you

are going for the hot and sweaty option.”

7. Give frameworks of time but don’t insist on things being done immediately“I’d like the dishes done before you turn on the

television.” “Afternoon tea is ready as soon as you

have put your school bag away.”

8. Stand your ground on important issuesA strong-willed child wants someone who is firm,

someone who they can feel safe with. It helps

them to know that they do not call all the shots!

Children are less likely to wear you down with

constant pestering if they know that you can be

counted on. Say it, mean it, do it.

9. Inspire more than correctStrong-willed children can be inspired to do better

and to harness their good thinking. Give them

space to solve problems. “You were disappointed

about missing out but you thought about it and

got on with the next thing. Well done.”

As we learn to bring self-control to situations,

so do our children.

Decide which battles are worth the effort.