guiding your strong willed child, week 6

Guiding Your Strong Willed Child

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Guiding Your Strong Willed Child

• Parenting is personal – Help parents create space to identify how the they

want to parent

• Parenting is hard – Equip parents to effectively, purposefully & consistently

parent

• Real change takes time – Invest wisely & expect measurable growth over time

Tiny Cheerleader

• Allow yourself to be a perfect work in progress!

Tying it all together

1. Decrease a child’s need for challenging behavior

2. Practice a good habit that works well

3. Make bad behavior broken & boring

4. Talk. Write. Post.

Macro vs. Micro Function-Based Interventions

Operational Definitions

Antecedent

Behavior

REPLACEMENT

Consequence

Habits of Happy Parents Decrease a child’s need to use challenging behavior

• Physical Needs

• Attention

• Favorite Things

• Escape

• Blame the Man

• Name the Good

• Super Kid Meetings

• Micro Choices

• Sure! First, Then!

• Bye Junk Demands

• Quiet Time

Habits of Happy Parents


• Physical Needs • Blame the Man


Blame the Man • Great for expectation setting

• Once posted, you can sympathize without negotation!

Photos via honda.com, pinterest.com, today.com, playpartypin.com


Put it to work ‒ Bedtime Tears

• OLD: Crying during bedtime routine because she wants mommy to put her to bed instead of daddy

• PICK A NEW WAY: Use Blame the Man sign: “Mommy does weekday bedtime. Daddy does weekend bedtime.” Her behavior will not change your behavior.

• MAKE IT WORK: Talk about it during day time hours. Let her help decorate the sign. Post it up. Stick to it lovingly! Mom could make herself unavailable (i.e. shower!) on weekends to start.



• Attention • Name the Good


Name the Good

• Join your kid’s play for five minutes a day!

• This should be experienced as really easy for you & fun for your child (don’t stress about questions!)

Reflect Highlight

Natural Perks Imitate

Specifically Describe

C: “I am building a tower.”

P: “That tower is as tall as you!”

C: (Set table) P: “You set the

table, now we can eat our snack!”

C: (Dancing) P: (Join in the fun &

dance!)

C: (Scrubbing table) P: You are

scrubbing the table!


Name the Good Habits of Happy Parents

Put it to work ‒ Laundry Menace

• OLD: While parents are folding laundry, child knocks down clothes. Parents say “stop” but he does it again.

• PICK A NEW WAY: Use Name the Good. Invite child to entertain you while you fold laundry next time! He can put on a show, sing, read, perform, tell jokes…

• MAKE IT WORK: Talk about how you need entertainment during laundry. Think about interests/disposition & help child pick something concrete to bring over while you work - favorite activity (legos), joke book. Engage playfully!

• WHY IT WORKS: A new way to access your attention



• Attention

• Super Kid Meetings


Super Kid Meetings

• Super Kid Meetings are sincere & specific opportunities to highlight a child’s use of appropriate alternative behavior

• Invite a child to have a one-to-one moment with you when you specifically observed him or her doing something well!

• Consider child’s preferences…Draw with drawers. Talk with talkers. Write with writers. Hug with huggers.


Super Kid Meetings

KEY: Turn the principal office upside down!

Have a meeting to

discuss GOOD behavior


A Super Kid Meeting Notebook

• After your child using a New Way behavior, consider drawing a road map with him or her as a celebration

• Your child can bind many of these road maps together to make a book

• Spend most of your time diagramming the “road that works”

• Short, simple, boring mention of road that doesn’t work


Road That Works

Content

Put it to work ‒ Unveiling Values • OLD: Parents not sure how to unveil family values to

children. Can be difficult to focus on good examples.

• PICK A NEW WAY: Use a Super Kid Meeting. Family has picked “Kindness” as a value. Watches like a hawk for examples of kindness. When sees it, makes a note to talk privately with child.

• MAKE IT WORK: During a downtime or chore, “I need to talk to you about something I noticed today. Today at breakfast, I saw you give your sister your favorite cup w/o being asked. You demonstrated kindness & that is one of our family ’s values. Amazing!...”

• WHY IT WORKS: A new way to access your attention



• Favorite Things • Micro Choices


Ways to Offer Choices

Open Ended Questions

Structured Choices

Micro Choices

You or Me Choices


Micro Choices

• Tiny, EASY little choices that don’t affect the outcome but still share control!

• For now, stick with outcomes that you already know the child will not resist – icing on the cake! – Speed: Walk fast or slow? (still walking)

– Style: Green paper or red paper? (still using paper)

– Size: Milk half full or all the way full (still having milk)

– Shape: Orange peeled or unpeeled? (still eating an orange)


Fun Choices Put Money in the Bank

“Providing choice opportunities resulted in clinically significant reductions in the number of occurrences

of problem behavior.” • The Effect of Choice-Making as an Intervention for Problem Behavior: a Meta-Analysis

(Shogren et al., Journal of Positive Behavior Interventions, 2004).


Put it to work ‒ Toddler Toothbrushing

• OLD: Child refuses to allow her teeth to be brushed!

• PICK A NEW WAY: Use Micro Choices. The goal of toothbrushing time is to keep it short & fast & effective. Allow child to pick two toothbrushes (we like our electric) & two toothpastes at store. Flurry of choices and every tooth touched before it is done!

• MAKE IT WORK: Stand on sink or toilet (keep contained!)? Blue or red? Aquafresh or dinosaur? Top or bottom? Ignore refusals – act as if you don’t hear them! Every tooth touched every time – skipping a tooth is not a choice.

• WHY IT WORKS: A new way to get favorite things



• Favorite Things

• Sure! First, Then!


Sure Play! First Work, Then Play!

LOW PROBABILITY

You request a

SHORT & SPECIFIC

action

HIGH PROBABILITY

Immediately when completed child gets what:

(a) She asked for

(b) She was choosing to do before demand

(c) She chose


SURE, Play! FIRST Work, THEN Play! Small Changes, Big Difference

• Child is playing with his trucks. Parent wants child to clean up the tea set he was playing with earlier before he continues playing with his

trucks.

• BEFORE: “First, clean up tea set. Then, you can play with your trucks.”

• SO CLOSE! WHAT IS MISSING? • Affirm his choice first! Start with “Sure PLAY!”

• AFTER: “Do you want to keep playing with your trucks?” [Yes!] “Sure, you can keep playing with your trucks! First, put away your tea set,

then you can play with your trucks.”


Sure! First, Then! (with a question) Habits of Happy Parents

Sure! First, Then! (with a request) Habits of Happy Parents

Sure! First, Then! (with a choice) Habits of Happy Parents

Put it to work ‒ Clean Up Catastrophe

• OLD: Parents have tried using a timer & then packing un-tidied toys away for a week without success. Cleaning up usually means the end of play time.

• PICK A NEW WAY: Use Sure! First, Then! Instead of cleaning up only at the end of play time, use in between clean ups that are followed by more play time.

• MAKE IT WORK: Roughly one activity at time would help make this work. Child plays with legos & then moves towards a puzzle. “Would you like to play with the puzzle? [Yes!] Sure you can! First clean up legos, then puzzle!

• WHY IT WORKS: A new way to access favorite things



• Escape • Bye Junk Demands


Goodbye Junk Demands! • Question Demands – Are you ready for bedtime?

• Unnecessary Demands – No running (when it is actually safe)

• Vague Demands – Be careful

• Giant Demands – Get ready for school

• Unenforceable Demands – Come here (from across the room)

Photos via awordywoman.com, amazon.com, mysafetysign.com, & telegraph.co.uk


A Quest for Good Demands

• Assertive – Polite but firm tone says, “This is not a question. When I make a

demand, you can trust that I will always follow through calmly.”

– Explanations belong outside the context of the demand. Either before you give it or after its been obeyed.

• Necessary – Spend your “investment” only on important demands

• Instructive – Tell child exactly what to do instead, not what to stop doing

• Enforceable – Ask for something you can follow through on


How to Make Good Demands, Friendly!

• Soften & connect, – Hey Buddy! It ’s time to X

– I am so excited for mac & cheese tonight! Let’s clean up together!

– Sure! First, Then!

– Did your backpack get eaten by a dinosaur? No? Okay, go find your backpack!


Put it to work ‒ Lots of Withdrawals

• OLD: Parents feel like they are constantly making withdrawals due to older child’s challenging behavior

• PICK A NEW WAY: Use Goodbye Junk Demands. Decrease unnecessary withdrawals so that you have more money in the bank

• MAKE IT WORK: For a day, put a pile of pennies in your left pocket. Every time you make a junk demand, move a penny to the right pocket. The next day try for fewer!

• WHY IT WORKS: Gives your child fewer things to want to escape or avoid



• Escape

• Quiet Time


Quiet time

• Quiet time is a positive preventative measure! A child can be taught to ask for “quiet time” when frustrated but before crossing the line. – Quiet time is 30 sec minimum. Time out is usually

(longer!) minimum.

– Quiet time is in a place of child’s choosing. Time out is usually in place of parent’s choosing.

– Books & comfort objects are available in quiet time. They are not available in time out.


Can you find our Quiet Time timer? Habits of Happy Parents

Put to work ‒ “I’m frustrated”

• OLD: Says, “I’m frustrated” when she wants something & family wants to honor language but does not want her to use it to get her way

• PICK A NEW WAY: Parents & child work to create a happy, calm down place for child to go. They put a sand timer out as concrete “ticket” to quiet time.

• MAKE IT WORK: Parents model language when they are “frustrated.” Child role plays once a day during a happy time. Parents celebrate child asking for (even if prompted!) quiet time! If child crosses line, quiet time is not available.

• WHY IT WORKS: Gives child a new way to escape


Habits of Happy Children

"A child who has become master of his acts through long and repeated exercises, and who has been

encouraged by the pleasant and interesting activities in which he has been engaged, is a child

filled with health and joy and remarkable for his calmness and discipline.” – Dr. Maria Montessori

('The Discovery of the Child', Clio Press Ltd, 92)


Prioritize Family Values

Define Good Habit

Practice Habit Happy

Make It Work


The Foundation of It All

“Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to

strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken

undesirable behavior using aversive or negative processes.”

- Sidney W. Bijou, Ph.D.


Said a Different Way…

“Teach by teaching, not by correcting.”

- Dr. Maria Montessori


And Another Way…

“Let him feel himself always under a watchful, loving and approving eye…one habit drives out

another. Lay new lines in the old place.”

- Charlotte Mason


Practice Happy

• Model. Children should see you authentically engaging in the character quality.

• Read Aloud. Read or tell stories that showcase the real-life value of a particular character trait.

• Role Play. Create FUN invitations to practice using the new skills. Personal exercise & experience trump lectures!

• Celebrate. Flip the “go to the principal’s office” paradigm. Celebrate the good & highlight the natural positive consequences.


Bad Behavior is Broken & Boring Bad Behavior is Boring

Photo via ashcombeprimary.co.uk

“I’m sorry that way doesn’t work any more. I’m sorry that way doesn’t work any more. I’m sorry that way doesn’t

work any more…”

When bad behavior occurs, try to physically take one step back & breathe.

Your Only Homework! • How Are Things Meetings are designed to strengthen adult

partnerships & promote consistency

Talk it out Write it down Post it up

Talk. Write. Post.

Talk. Write. Post.

Questions, Comments?

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Email me at [email protected]

guiding your strong willed child, week 6

Education

good habits of happy

man habits of happy

personal help parents

bad behavior

good join

table p

perfect work

man sign