sample copy. not for distribution. · iii body language and emotional intelligence rajiv kumar...

Sample Copy. Not For Distribution.

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Body Language and

Emotional Intelligence


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Publishing-in-support-of,

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Printed in India


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Body Language

and Emotional

Intelligence

Rajiv Kumar

EDUCREATION PUBLISHING (Since 2011)

www.educreation.in


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Disclaimer This book is designed to provide information on the

body language and emotional intelligence only. This

information is provided and sold with the agreement that

the publisher and author do not offer any legal or other

professional advice. Possible efforts have been made to

make this book accurate. This book should serve only as

a general guide and not as the ultimate source of subject

information.

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Introduction Body language plays a very important role in

communication, and the story behind how I started

studying is also interesting. Once a person commented

on my posture, ‘This is the defensive posture’. I was

sitting with my arms crossed on my chest. The room was

very cold because of the air conditioner, and I was

shivering. However, I also felt some uncomfortable

conversing with that person as I did not have a very

friendly or close relationship with him. The words –

defensive posture – had penetrated deep into my mind.

After reaching home, I started searching about the

‘defensive posture’ on the internet, and as a result I

started reading the body language books too. That time I

had a very slight idea about this language. The more I

read about this fascinating thing, the more interesting I

found it.

One tilts his head towards right or left side, which

happens subconsciously, in some situations. Head tilted

towards right or left side can also be seen in photos. It is

a beautiful phenomenon which happens automatically.

We do not have to make our efforts to do it, and even

many of us are not aware of that we ever tilt our heads in

some situations.

The body has its own wisdom and its own

intelligence. It is important to know, in the body

language, that certain things happen by nature and

certain things we do. When we feel nervous our hands or

feet shake, it happens automatically. As we hand-gesture

someone to come to us, we do it consciously.

There are few points that I want you to know and

understand. First, imagination is not observation. People

who study body language may imagine things by


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noticing others, which they can consider as their

observation. They do not have any idea that their

imagination is contaminating their observation. Once our

psychology teacher told us in the class that she noticed a

couple in a metro train. They were looking newly

married. The woman seemed to be rich by her clothes,

and the man seemed to be an average guy – neither so

rich nor so poor – by his clothes. She was standing

facing the other direction, not facing him, and there was

an increase in her eye-blinking rate.

So, the teacher concluded that the woman was not

happy with her marriage. On reply to this I asked her

that it could be also possible that the man may have

bought her the clothes which she was wearing. Who

knows? How can we conclude this by their clothes?

Small arguments are common in couples, and the

increase in eye-blinking rate and facing torso away may

also appear because of these small arguments.

Second, one’s feeling nervous does not mean that

he is weak or unintelligent. I have seen intelligent people

who feel nervous while talking to others and even many

unintelligent people talking confidently. So, the next

time when you see someone nervous, don’t judge him on

this basis. Body language definitely helps you to boost

your emotional intelligence as you start understanding

your and others’ emotions more clearly.

Third, don’t be suspicious rather remain alert.

Someone told me about a girl who used to speak like – I

know why you have kept your bag like this, I know why

you are sitting like this, I know this and I know that

because I am studying psychology. Being suspicious is

different from being alert. One may hide his hands

behind his back when he feels nervous or uncomfortable,

but this is not the only thing.

One may hide his hands behind his back without

any reason too. So this is not going to work as a fixed


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formula, and body language is all about understanding,

not about applying fixed formulas. If one hides his hands

behind his back, other things can also be noticed like his

tone, facial expressions, torso and legs. We can get a

bunch of signals, and we should not ignore them.

Remember, a shot in the dark is not going to work most

of the time.

Few years back, I did not even know that there is

something like body language, and it plays an important

role in communication. Now, I have noticed positive

changes and alertness in my communication. When I

sense that someone is feeling nervous while talking to

me, I try to appear more humble which relaxes and

opens up him towards me.

On the other, when I sense that someone is trying to

be dominant, I make appropriate changes in my body

language as per the situation. We can get an idea about

how others are feeling, which helps us communicate as

per the situation.

There are two parts in this book. The first is about

the body language, and the second is about the emotional

intelligence.

If someone has a poor emotional intelligence, he

tends to harm himself and/or others. Our thoughts can

create emotional traps for us if we are unaware of them.

Some says that love happens only once, some says that

first love is the last love, and there are other thoughts

too.

These thoughts, if kept in mind, create much trouble

when one needs to move on in a relationship. So, one

desperately needs to understand what he has fed in his

mind in the name of love. Likewise, it is important to

understand our other emotions like jealousy, anger,

negative thoughts and so on.

I have willingly added three chapters on the

emotional intelligence at the end of the book. The reason


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behind doing this is our emotional intelligence which

definitely affects our body language, and the way we

represent ourselves. The other reason is that people

should know how illogical connections, the concept of

failure and success and unawareness of emotions tend to

create emotional tension. This book intends to help you

think clearly and communicate effectively.

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About The Author Rajiv Kumar graduated in arts from school of open

learning, Delhi University. He is currently pursuing

masters in psychology. He has also worked in a non-

government organization as an English facilitator, where

he had a nice learning and facilitating experience. He

can be contacted at [email protected].

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mailto:[email protected]

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About The Book This book, body language and emotional intelligence,

has two parts. The first one sheds light on the body

language. It is not only about the way one sits, stands or

walks, as many people assume it to be so. It involves

tremendous intelligence of how the body functions in

different situations revealing the emotional states of

people. The knowledge of it provides benefits almost

everywhere; in interviews, at workplaces, in sales and

marketing, in businesses, in parties, in relationships and

so on. Sometimes, people offend others unknowingly

through their body language, and most of the time they

miss the useful non-verbal messages coming from

others. It is important to be aware of one’s own and

others’ body language for a better communication.

The second one sheds light on the emotional

intelligence. Emotional intelligence also helps us to

amplify the body language skills and vice versa. I am, in

this part, mainly talking about how our illogical

connections, attitude of accepting things without looking

into them and unawareness of emotions that affect our

decisions and life, about how we are driven by our

thinking patterns and emotions, and why it becomes

important for us to understand them. It is important to

think about the way we think and behave. This book

intends to help the reader think clearly and communicate

effectively.

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Table of Contents

S. No. Contents

1. Introduction

2. Part one: Body Language

3. Chapter 1. How head and eyes communicate

4. The magic of the side-tilted head

5. Head in palm(s)

6. Shaking and nodding

7. High blinking

8. Eyes open wide

9. Running fingers in hair

10. Useful tips

11. Chapter 2. How face communicates

12. Contempt

13. Contempt with a slow half head-shake

14. Contempt with a fast half head-shake

15. Frown

16. Pulling the lips corners downwards

17. Relaxed face

18. Smiling and talking in fear

19. Useful tips

20. Chapter 3. How hands communicate

21. Shaking hands

22. Fidgeting some object or rubbing hands

23. Clenching some object

24. Hiding hands

25. Hand gestures

26. Showing open palms in communication

27. Crossed arms

28. Clenched fist and limp wrist

29. Useful tips


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30. Chapter 4. How torso and legs communicate

31. Avoiding other(s) by turning torso or

legs away

32. Useful tips

33. Chapter 5. How touch communicates

34. Touching oneself

35. Touching others

36. Handshakes

37. Useful tips

38. Part two: Emotional Intelligence

39. Chapter 6. From ignorance to understanding

40. Chapter 7. Emotional discomfort of failure

and success

41. Chapter 8. Emotions

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Body Language and Emotional Intelligence

~ 1 ~

Part one: Body

Language


Rajiv Kumar

~ 2 ~

1

How head and eyes

communicate

W

The magic of the side-tilted head

There are different assumptions about the side-tilted

head given by different people. Once I read on the

internet that if a man is a gay, he is most likely to tilt his

head to the side. Just after this, I checked some of my

photos, and I cried, ‘Oh my God!’ My head was tilted to

the left side in most of the photos.

I had understood that there should be something

else about it, because I had found different explanations

in the books and on the internet, and they were also

contradicting one another. But I wanted to know this

fascinating thing as I had seen this frequently in different

situations, and it is also done by both men and women

while flirting. Amazing! I had fallen in love with it. I



~ 3 ~

collected all the related data about the side-tilted head.

You may have your head tilted to the right or left side

while watching or reading something, or while talking or

listening to somebody, or while looking at a

person/object you like, or in your photos. A person who

is hunting with a bow and arrow may also tilt his head.

One may do it also while thinking. I analysed all the

related data and found only three words which fit in each

and every context or situation, which are ‘a narrowed

vision’.

But how is it so? To understand this, first you

need to understand the central (straight) and the

peripheral (side) vision. When you look at an object, a

straight line is formed between the object and your eyes.

This straight line of the vision is the central vision. But

you can also see the objects or movements in the sides of

your central vision, and this is called the peripheral or

the side vision.

(Side-tilted head)

As you become more attentive into looking at

something, your head may tilt to the either side. It

happens automatically. The side-tilted head adjusts your

peripheral vision on a different angle that provides you a

more attentive vision. You can check it out by yourself.


Rajiv Kumar

~ 4 ~

For this, I will say, look at some object which is far

away from you. Look at it with a straight head.

Now roll your eyes by not moving the head. Now,

tilt your head to either of the sides looking at the object,

and roll your eyes. Did you notice that you have got a

more attentive vision towards the object by tilting your

head? The side-tilted head also works as a neck lock

which stops the neck to move left or right for a static

vision.

My head tilts when I read something interesting on

my laptop. It tilts when I look at a beautiful girl. It tilts

when I give genuine attention to the speaker and also

when I think of something. Why does the head tilt while

thinking of something? Ever wondered? It is because a

wider vision means more objects and movements to see,

and this may disturb the mind while thinking. So, you

may prefer to close your eyes while thinking or may tilt

your head which will adjust your vision by reducing the

disturbances which fall in your peripheral vision. If you

become more attentive towards the camera or the person

who is clicking your photograph, you may get to see

your head tilted to the side in your photograph as a

result. I think now you have understood why it is used in

courtship.

The tilted head and the relaxed and friendly facial

expressions send courtship signals to the person you

like. And when you are conversing with your boss, your

tilted head sends a signal that you are attentive towards

him.

Head in palm(s)

A couple is on a date in a restaurant. They sit facing each

other at a table. The woman rests her head in both of her

palms while looking at the man. What she is doing here

is fixing her eyes at him. She rests her head in both of



~ 5 ~

her palms to immobilise her head, which as a result

immobilises her vision. Here she does not want to take

her eyes away from him. This could be a strong signal of

a flirting behaviour. The same is true for the face platter

where a woman keeps her hand on the top of the other

and then rests her chin on them.

(Head in palms)

(Face platter)

Continuously wave your hand before your eyes and try

to think of something. You will notice that it is difficult


Rajiv Kumar

~ 6 ~

to think as your hand takes your attention. When one

thinks of something, why does the other person wave his

hand in front of him? It is because the other wants to

grab his attention? The other person does it because

movements take attention, and this, as a result, disrupts

thinking. So, to think better, one may close his eyes or

look down at the ground, or immobilise his head – head

in palm(s) – for getting a straight vision in the direction

which does not have movements to disrupt thinking.

In a job interview, I was looking down, not because

I felt nervous but to think better before answering the

questions. However, one should avoid looking down in

job interviews as this might be misinterpreted as low

confidence by the interviewer. As watched on television,

some celebrities also look down to think better before

speaking or answering the questions.

Shaking and nodding

When I think of something what I don’t like, don’t want

to do, or disagree about, I subconsciously shake my

head. I have also seen people slightly shaking their heads

while not talking to anyone. They do it while thinking. If

someone shakes his head, even slightly, while talking to

you, it could give you a clue regardless of what he says

about the particular thing.

Some people create ‘hmmm’ sound and some nod

to show the speaker that they are engaged in listening.

Nodding indicates that you understand or agree with

what the speaker says to you. It shows that you are

genuinely paying attention to the speaker. But nodding

should not be done excessively as it could appear

phoney.



~ 7 ~

High blinking

When we get some dirt in our eyes, we rapidly blink our

eyelids to clean them. There are other reasons too of

high blinking rates. One of them is related to stress. Our

eyes are very sensitive. Sometimes when we feel sad or

stressed out we start getting tears in our eyes, our high

blinking rate helps us to spread those tears. This way we

stop our tears from rolling down our cheeks. If the

emotion becomes intense, then tears become hard to stop

from rolling down.

Eyes open wide

When something takes our complete attention – whether

it is a dangerous situation or a mesmerizing scene – our

thinking stops and our eyes open wide. Our senses

become sharper, and thinking stops because the thinking

lessens our attention on our surroundings. Have you ever

noticed how small children see with wide eyes? It is

because they lack thinking and are very alert. Our eyes

open wide in fear also. Our eyes suddenly open wide and

retrieve the normal size when we see something or

somebody grabbing our complete attention; it may be a

luxurious car or a mesmerizing scene or a person whom

we feel attracted to.

(Wide open eyes)


Rajiv Kumar

~ 8 ~

Running fingers in hair

A woman may run her fingers in her hair when she is

worried or nervous, when her hair comes in her eyes or

face, when she concerns about her hair, or when she

wants to catch someone’s attention.

A girl while working on a computer, at workplace,

was running her left-hand fingers through her hair on the

top of her head. I was sitting close to her but was unable

to see her face. Her eyes were focused on the computer

screen, and it seemed like she was giving herself a ‘head

massage’. I thought that she was really worried about

something. After a while, she told her female colleague

that she felt worried about something.

A girl used to look at me whenever I passed by her.

One day she was walking on a road looking at me. As I

fixed my eyes at her, she broke the eye contact looking

down and ran her fingers through her hair over her right

ear. What purpose does this running fingers in hair serve

here? One can easily feel nervous in flirting too. She

might have felt some nervousness, and thus she ran her

fingers in her hair to soothe herself by touching herself

this way. You will know more about how touch

communicates in Chapter 5.

( Running fingers in her )



~ 9 ~

I noticed a girl turning her head to look at me in a

cafeteria. She was sitting around 15–16 feet away from

me in a straight direction. I was able to see her back. Her

hair looked very straight, silky and beautiful; she must

have got hair rebonding done. She turned her head to see

me and found me looking at her; she tossed her hair with

both of her hands. Movements take attention. A girl may

seek attention by tossing her hair or running fingers in it.

Useful tips

1. If you notice someone’s head tilted to the side while

listening to you, this may suggest that he is engaged

or interested in listening to you.

2. You can slightly tilt your head to the side while

listening to somebody, as this subconsciously sends

the signals to the speaker that you are engaged or

interested.

3. A woman’s face platter or head in palm(s) while

looking at a man may signal flirting behaviour, but it

is better to read other signs too.

4. For women, holding head in your palms at the table

and looking at your date has its own advantage. Men

like it.

5. The speaker feels good when you give them your

attention. Nodding indicates that you are engaged

and listening, and/or you agree with the speaker.

Thus, this may help to build a rapport.

6. This mostly happens that people don’t tell others

that they feel sad and try hard to conceal their

emotions. High blinking may provide a clue of the

person’s emotional state, and thus may prove of

being useful in directing the verbal communication.

However, face also reveals a person’s emotional

state.

7. A man’s or woman’s gazing at the opposite sex with

wide eyes may signal flirting behaviour, unless they


Rajiv Kumar

~ 10 ~

are not in fear. But remember, it is better to read

other signs too.

8. I can’t forget the time when I used to look at girls

with narrowed eyes thinking I would appear more

attentive and attractive to them. This was my

misconception. This way we appear serious or angry

rather than friendly.

P



~ 11 ~

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