marriage - focus on the...
TRANSCRIPT
Marriageand
turning disagreement into growth
bySherylDeWitt,MitchTemple,RomieHurley,WilfordWootenandPhillipJ.Swihartfrom Focus on the Family®
M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H
Marriageand
turning disagreement into growth
bySherylDeWitt,MitchTemple,RomieHurley, WilfordWootenandPhillipJ.Swihart
This booklet is lovingly dedicated to the memory of Sheryl DeWitt who passionately committed herself to strengthening families.
M a R R i a g e a n D c o n f l i c T : T u R n i n g D i S a g R e e M e n T i n T o g R o W T H
introduction...................................................................................................... 6
isitoKtofight?................................................................................................ 8
HowcanWeWorkoutDisagreements?.............................................................. 00
WhenShouldWeagreetoDisagree?.................................................................. 21
WhatifWeHavealotofunresolvedconflicts?................................................... 25
Whatifanargumentgetsoutofcontrol?........................................................... 27
WhatiftheSameconflictsKeepcomingup?..................................................... 31
About the AuthorsSherylDeWittwasalicensedMarriageandfamilyTherapist,asareMitchTempleandWilfordWooten.RomieHurleyisalicensedProfessionalcounselor.PhillipJ.Swihart,Ph.D.isaclinicalpsychologist.
allScripturequotations,unlessotherwiseindicated,aretakenfromtheHolyBible,newinternationalVersion®.niV®.copyright©1973,1978,1984byinternationalBibleSociety.usedbypermissionofZondervanPublishingHouse.allrightsreserved.
adaptedfromComplete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage,afocusonthefamilybookpublishedbyTyndaleHousePublishers,carolStream,illinois60188.copyright©2006,focusonthefamily.
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IntroductionMostmarriagesstartwiththedelightof“being
inlove”andhoneymoonexcitement.Thequestionis“whathappensnext?”Doesblissleadtoadjustment,compromisesandlearningtoreallyloveanotherpersonwhomayhaveverydifferentneedsandexpectations?ordoesitgivewaytopoorlyhandledconflict,powerstrugglesanddeepeningfrustrationandresentment?
oneyoungwomanputitthiswayabouthermar-riage:“ithoughtthefirstyearwouldbewonderful.itwashell.”Shewasjustbeginningtohaveaglimmerofhopethatsheandherhusbandwouldcrawloutofthathole.
itcanbeashocktofindthatneitherofyouseemstohaveanyconflictmanagementskills.asonecomediannoted,“Mywifeandineverfight;wejusthavemomentsofintensefellowship.”insteadofdealingconstructivelywiththeinevitabledisagreementsfoundinanymarriage,youmayquicklydevolveintoblaming,yellingandwithdrawing—atoxiccocktailthatcansendamarriagespiralingdownward.
Disagreementsariseoverallkindsofthings—fi-
nances,sex,priorities,in-laws,pregnancy,parentingandeventhespiritualdimensionofyourlifetogether.Manycouplesdidn’tdiscusstheseissueswhentheyweredating—resultinginconflictsthatmayleavelast-ingscarsintherelationship.
Dealingwithconflicttakestimeandeffort.Weliveinafast-foodculturewithasenseofentitlementtohavingeverythinghappenondemand.Butmarriagedoesn’tworkthatway.
TheapostlePauladvisedreadersto“workoutyoursalvationwithfearandtrembling”(Philippians2:12).asBibleteacheralistairBegghasnoted,weneedtodothesameinourmarriages.Manyspousesareblindsidedbythecomplexitiesofmarriedlife,havingassumedtheyinstantlyandnaturallyknowalltheyneedtoknowaboutmakingarelationshipwork.Beggsuggeststhatweshouldexpecttoworkoutthemarriagerelationship“withfearandtrembling”ratherthanbeingcockyanddeludedbythenotionthatitwillallcomeeasily.
Thisisabookletaboutworkingthingsout—trem-blingorotherwise.inthepagestofollowyou’llfind
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answerstoquestionsaboutconflictcommonlyaskedbymarriedcouples.You’llprobablyfindsomeissuesyou’restrugglingwith.it’sourhopeandprayerthatthisbookwillbeasourceofhelpandencouragementonyourjourney.
—WilfordWootenandPhillipJ.Swihart
Is It OK to Fight?
inaword,no.Thatassumes“fighting”isn’tjustdisagreeingand
expressingnegativeemotions.Thosethingsareinevi-tableinamarriage.Butiffightingistryingtoresolvethosefeelingsandproblemsthroughabusivebehavior,it’sunhealthy.
conflictoccurswhentwopeoplehaveadifferenceofopinionthathasn’tbeenresolved.Thiscanhappenwhenyouandyourspousedisagreeoverwheretogofordinner,whosefamilytospendtheholidayswithorwhateachperson’schoreswerethisweek.allofthesearenormalmaritalconflictsthatcanbeworkedout.
Whenargumentsturnintoverbalorphysicalabuse,though,itisn’thealthyforanymarriage.ifyouconsistentlyattackyourspousewithstatementslike,“i’msorryimarriedyou,”“Youaresostupid,”and“ihateyou,”you’vemovedfromarguingtoabusing.
ifyouthrowthingsatyourspouse—pillows,silverware,pictures,vases—itonlyleadstomoreconflictandhurt.andyouneverhit,push,shove,kickorspitatyourspouse.Thisisphysicalabuse.notonlyisitimmoralandillegal,butitcausestremendousdam-agetoyourrelationship.ifthisisthewayyoudealwithconflict,youneedtoseekcounselingtolearnappropri-atewaystoreconcile.
Thoseappropriatewaysdon’tincludesimplysubmergingyourdifferencesinsteadofdealingwiththemhonestly.Manycouplestrytosidesteporhidetheirconflictbecausedisagreementscanbepainful.Thatleadssomespousestothinktheirownargumentsareabnormal.
“ineverseeothercouplesfight,”garytoldafriend.“itmakesmefeellikeKatieandihaveabadmarriage.”garydoesn’trealizethatsomecouples
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sharetheirconflictsopenly,whileothersaremoreprivate.Somecouplesappeartohavenoconflicts,butintimetheyoftenhavedistressintheirmarriagesbecausetheyhavejustinternalizedconflictandallowedhurtandresentmenttobuild.Theirangermayexplode,doingincredibledamagetotherelationship.
ahusbandwe’llcallPaulwasonewhotriedtosuppressconflictbecausehefearedfighting.“ifellinlovewithlucybecauseweneverfoughtbeforewegotmarried,”hetoldhisaccountabilitygroup.“iamsoafraidofdivorcebecauseofmyparents.Theyfoughtallthetimeandlookwhereitledthem.iflucyandicontinuetofight,i’mafraidwe’llenduplikemyfolks.”
contrarytowhatPaulbelieved,divorceismostcommonwhenconflictishiddenorunresolved—notwhenit’sdealtwithopenly.conflictinitselfdoesn’tleadtodivorce.lackofresolutionhasbroughtdivorceatworstandunhappymarriagesatbest.
conflictresolutionmaysoundcomplicated,butit’spossible.it’saskillthatrequiresthecommitmentofbothspousesandcanberefinedwithpractice.
Hereare10thingstorememberaboutresolving
conflictwithoutfighting.1. Deal with disagreements as soon as possible.
confrontissuesastheyarise.Thelongeraconflictstews,thelargertheissuebecomes;timetendstomagnifyahurt.astheBiblesays,“Donotletthesungodownwhileyouarestillangry,anddonotgivethedevilafoothold”(ephesians4:26).
2. Be specific.communicateclearlywhattheissueis.Don’tgeneralizewithwordslike“never”or“always.”Whenyou’revague,yourspousehastoguesswhattheproblemis.Trysomethinglike,“itfrustratesmewhenyoudon’ttakethetrashoutonMondays,”ratherthan,“Youneverdowhatyousayyou’regoingtodo.”
3. Attack the problem, not the person.lashingoutatyourspouseleaveshimorherhurtanddefensive.Thisworksagainstresolvingconflict.Yourgoalisreconciliationandhealinginyourrelationship.letyourmatehearwhattheproblemisfromyourpointofview.Say
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somethinglike,“i’mfrustratedthatthebillsdidn’tgetpaidontime,”insteadof,“You’resoirresponsibleandlazy.Youneverpayanythingontime.”
4. Express feelings.use“i”statementstoshareyourunderstandingoftheconflict:“ifeelhurtwhenyoudon’tfollowthrough.”“itmakesmeangrywhenyouteasemeinfrontofyourfriend.”avoid“you”statementslike,“You’resoinsensitiveandbossy.”
5. Stick with the subject at hand.Mostpeoplecandealwithonlyoneissueatatime.un-fortunately,manyspousesbringtwoorthreeissuestoanargument,tryingtoreinforcetheirpoint.Thisconfusestheconfronta-tionanddoesn’tallowforunderstandingandresolution.it’sbettertosay,“ithurtmyfeelingswhenyoudidn’tincludemeinyourconversationduringdinnerwithourfriends,”ratherthan,“Youneverincludeanyone,youalwaysthinkofyourself.Wheneverwe’rewithotherpeople,youalwaysignoreme.everyone
thinksyou’reselfish.”6. Confront privately.Doingsoinpubliccould
humiliate—oratleastembarrass—yourspouse.Thiswillimmediatelyputhimorheronthedefensiveandshutdownanydesiretoreconcile.
7. Seek to understand the other person’s point of view.Trytoputyourselfinyourspouse’sshoes,anexercisethatcanleadtounder-standingandrestoration.That’swhatMiawasdoingwhenshetoldhersister,“Jeffhadaharddayattheofficetoday.Hisbosschewedhimout.That’swhyhe’squieterthannormal,soididn’ttakeitpersonally.iknowwheni’vehadahardday,ineedtimeformyself,too.”
8. Set up a resolution plan.afterthetwoofyouhaveexpressedyourpointsofviewandcometoanunderstanding,shareyourneedsanddecidewheretogofromhere.Thatmightmeansayingsomethinglike,“inthefuture,itwouldhelptodiscusswithmehowwe’llspendoursavings—ratherthantellingme
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afterthefact.”9. Be willing to admit when you’re wrong.Some-
timesaconflictoccursbecauseoneperson’sbehaviorwasinappropriate.Bewillingtocon-fessandaskforgivenessfromyourspouseifyou’vewrongedherorhim.Thatprocesscanhelptohealthedamageinyourrelationship.Trysomethinglike,“i’msorryiwasunkindtoyou.Willyoupleaseforgiveme?”ifyou’retheoffendedspouse,begraciousenoughtoacceptyourspouse’sapology.
10. Remember that maintaining the relationship is more important than winning the argument.Winninganargumentattheexpenseoflosingtherelationshipisadefeatforbothofyou.findingasolutionthatbenefitsbothspousesletseverybodywin.
Whatifthetwoofyoujustcan’tseemtofindthatsolution?Whenyoucan’tgetpastaspecificconflict,seekthehelpofacounselor.
fightingisn’thealthy,butconflictisn’talwaysbad.
infact,itcanbeatoolforstrengtheningrelationships.Whenconflictishandledcorrectly,twopeoplesharetheirheartswitheachother,tryingtolistenandbeheardwhileconnectingonadeeplevel.Whenyoudealwithconflictinacaringandpositiveway,theresultcanbeadeeperrelationshipandgreaterintimacy.
“inyourangerdonotsin”(ephesians4:26).godknewthatwe’dhaveangerandconflictinourrelationships.Butangerisn’tasinaslongasweseektoresolvetheconflict.
“ifitispossible,asfarasitdependsonyou,liveatpeacewitheveryone”(Romans12:18).insteadoffight-ing,areyoudoingyourparttoreconcileandrestoreyourrelationshipwithyourmate?
—SherylDeWitt
How Can We Work Out Disagreements?Whetheryou’vebeenmarriedfiveyearsorfive
months,you’vehaddisagreementswithyourspouse.Havingthemisnottheissue.Therealissueiswhether
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youcandealwiththeminahealthywayornot.Destructivepatternsofdisagreementcanleavebehindemotionalscarsthatneverheal.
Mostcouplesthinktheirclashesareunique,butconflicthasbeenaroundsinceadamandeve.insteadoflearningfromourancestors’mistakesthough,wetendtocopythem.ifMomscreamedandthrewcorn-ingWareatDadwhenshewasangry,daughterwilltendtodothesameinherownmarriage.ifDadwithdrewbywatchingTVeverytimeconflictarose,sonwillbeinclinedtofollowhisexample.
nomatterwhatwasmodeledbyyourparents,however,youcanreframeyourthinking.Youcanrealignthewayyouhandledisagreementstobetterreflectthepatterngodwantstosee.
canyouimagineJesusdealingwithdisagree-mentsasweoftendowithourspouses?HowwouldHefeelaboutthewayyoutreatyourmateduringaheatedargument?
“Butthat’sjustthewayiam,”youmightsay.“Besides,myspousekeepsprovokingme!”insteadofjustifyingourbehavior,weneedtodiscoverhowto
properlyreacttodisagreementsnomatterhowintensetheymaybeorwho’satfault.
eachtimeyouworkoutadisagreementinahealthyway,you’rebetterequippedtodealwiththenextone.conflicthandledproperlycanfine-tuneare-lationship:“asironsharpensiron,soonemansharpensanother”(Proverbs27:17).
Resolvingdisagreementscanalso“unstick”acouple,movingthetwoofyoutonewlevelsofintimacyandgrowth.Someoftheclosestmomentsacouplecanexperienceoftenarriveafterresolvingconflicts.it’slikealightningstormonawarmsummernight;thoughthelightningitselfmaybescary,ithelpstocleantheair.negativelychargedionsproducedbythestormattachthemselvestopollutants,whichfalltotheground.That’swhytheairsmellssocleanatthosetimes.
Thesameistruewhenyoudealwithdisagree-mentsinanappropriateway.evenifthediscussionisloudandanimated,itcanhelptoridrelationshipsofcontaminantsandmoveyouinapositivedirection.
Tounderstandhowtohandledisagreementseffec-tively,let’sfirstlookatsometechniquesthatdon’twork.
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1. Denial.Whyaresomanymarriedwomeninoursocietydepressed?Quiteafewpsycholo-gistsbelieveit’sbecausetheydon’tfeelfreetodiscussfrustrationsanddisagreementswiththeirhusbands.That’sbecausehus-bandstendtodenysuchproblemsandrefusetoconfrontthem.
Somemensimplydon’tknowhowtodeal
withdisagreementsproperly,butmanyhavediscoveredapayoffinnotresolvingconflict.Theycanmaintaincontrolbyrefusingtodiscussproblems,keepingtheirwivesguess-ingaboutthestateoftheirrelationship.Wivesthenholdbackbecausethey’vediscoveredthatkeepingpeacewiththeirhusbandskeepsthemeninagoodmoodandincreasesthechancesofintimacy.
Thisisnotahealthyapproach.failingtoresolvedisagreementsaffectsourrelation-shipsasarthritisdoesourbodies;itimpairs
movement,slowsusdownandcausesalotofpain.Theonlywaytodealwith“relationalarthritis”istodevelophealthyresponsestoconflict.
2. Downplaying.Thisisthe“oh,it’snothing”response.Thisoftenhappenswhenyoufeelthatdealingwiththeissueisanexerciseinfutility.Youtellyourselfthatthingswillonlyturnoutlikebefore—withyourspousenotlisteningandwithbothofyouupset.
Butdownplayingthesignificanceofaproblemdoesn’tmakeitgoaway.itonlysetsanegativeprecedentfordealingwithfuturedisagreements.
3. Exaggeration.Don’tmakeadisagreementbiggerthanitis.noteveryminorirritationanddifferenceinperspectivehastobedissectedand“puttorest.”Doesitreallymatterifyourspousedoesn’tshareyourenthusiasmfor
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sweetpicklesandTheThreeStooges?Doeseitherofyouhavetowinadebateoverwhichbrandofpapertowelorroutetoyourchurchisbest?
4. Nagging.Don’tfallpreytotheideathatpickingafightisthebestwaytogetyourspouse’sattentionanddealwithadis-agreement.constantnaggingisacommonexampleofsucherroneousthinking.
adadwaswatchingtheatlantaBravesonTVonedaywhenhisfour-year-oldcameupandwantedtowrestle.Justtoseehowtheboywouldrespond,thefatherignoredhimandstaredatthegame.Thechildmadefaces,wavedandjumpedupanddown,butDadgavenoresponse.finallytheboyknockedonhisfather’sforeheadandasked,“Hey,Dad,areyouinthere?”
lesson:it’sbettertodoalittlegentle“knock-
ing”thantoinciteariottogetyourmate’sat-tention.“agentleanswerturnsawaywrath,butaharshwordstirsupanger”(Proverbs15:1).
5. Resurrecting the dead.Bringinguplifelessis-suesfrompreviousdisagreementsonly“stirsthestink.”Perhapsthat’swhytheapostlePaulwrotethatlove“keepsnorecordofwrongs”(1corinthians13:5).
Whenadisagreementisover,it’sover!Don’trehasholdarguments.Somecounselorssug-gestthatcouplesshouldn’tbringupanissuethat’smorethanamonthortwoold.inotherwords,don’tgethistoricalinyourmarriagebycontinuallybringingupthepast!
Somuchforthedon’ts.Herearesomepositivewaystodealwithdisagreementsinyourmarriage.
1. Pick the right time and place.getawayfromthetelephone,TV,pager,e-mail,andotherdistractions.Pickasoothing,peacefulenvi-
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ronment;aSaturdayshoppingtripatSam’sclubisn’tagoodtimeorplacetoresolvecon-flict!neitheraremomentswhenyou’regoingoutthedoor,sittingdowntodinnerorlyingdownforagoodnight’srest.
Bewillingtosay,“iagreethatthisisimpor-tant,butweneedtowaituntillatertotalkaboutit.let’sgoouttomorrownight.”allow-ing24hourstocooldownandthinkisoftenawisealternativeanyway.
2. Be prepared.understandthatemotionaleventslikebirthdays,weddings,holidays,anniversariesandgraduationsareanaturalbreedinggroundfordisagreements.Peopletendtobe“wiredandtired”;littlesparkscanignitebigfires.Trytogetplentyofrestbeforetheseevents,andgiveyourspouseextragraceandforgiveness.
3. Talk about yourself. Whendiscussing
disagreements,learntouse“i”statementssuchas“ithink”or“ifeel”—ratherthan“yousay”or“youalways.”“You”accusationsareusuallymeanttohurt,nottobringpeaceandunderstanding.
4. Listen more than you talk.Seektounder-standwhereyourpartneriscomingfrom,evenwhenyoumaynotagreewithhisorherviewpoint.learntolisteninsteadofjusttryingtofigureoutwhatyou’regoingtosaynext.
Temperandcontrolwhatyouthinkyouhavearighttosay,too.asogdennashputit,“Tokeepyourmarriagebrimmingwithloveinthelovingcup,wheneveryou’rewrong,admitit;wheneveryou’reright,shutup.”
5. Keep your fingers to yourself.Pointingfingersmaybeacceptablewhencorrectingtoddlersorpets,butit’snothealthybetweenspouses.Pointingisaformofattacking,indicatingthat
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therecipienthasdonesomethingterriblywrong—whichoftenisn’tthecase.andnoone,includingyourspouse,likestohaveafingerwaggedinhisorherface.
6. Keep your arguments out of the bedroom. That’saplaceforunityandintimacy,nothashingoutdifferences.Don’tusesex(orlackthereof)tomanipulateyourpartner.Sexwasneverdesignedtobeusedasaweapon,withheldwithoutmutualconsent(1corinthi-ans7:3-5).
7. Remember that it’s your problem, too.it’stemptingtosay,“idon’thavetheproblem,youhavetheproblem!”Butifthere’stroubleinyourrelationship,itbelongstobothofyou!
You’reavitalpartofamarriage system.Whenonepartofthesystemisoutofkilter,itthrowstheentiresystemoffbalance.it’sliketouchingamobilehangingoverababycrib;
disturbpartofit,andyouaffectthewholething.
Whenyouviewyourspouse’sproblemasyourown,you’remuchmorelikelytogetseri-ousabouthelpingtoworkitout.Thismakesa“win-win”—ratherthanan“iwin,youlose”scenario—morelikely.
8. Learn to see through conflict.Searchfortherealissuesthatoftenliebeneaththesurface.Say,“Waitaminute.Wekeeparguingaboutallkindsofirrelevantstuff.What’stherealproblemhere?”
9. Bring God into the conversation.askHimforwisdomwhenyoucan’tseemtofindtheanswers(James1:5-6).andifthetwoofyouarechristians,nothingwillputaheatedargu-menton“pause”morequicklythantwosmallwords:“let’spray!”
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10. Remember your vows.Don’tthreatendivorceduringconflict.Threatswillonlyintensifythepain—andleavescars.“forbetterorworse”willnotbestrickenfromyourvowssimplybecauseyou’reinthemiddleofamajordisagreement.
areyouandyourspousedisagreeing?lookformutuallybeneficialsolutionsthatresolvethetension.iftheconflictistoointensetohandle,orifonespousegetsextremelyemotional,callatime-outuntilyou’vebothcalmeddown.ifthatdoesn’thelp,involveacoun-selortoassistyouingettingperspective.
Youcan’teliminatedisagreementsinyourrelationship.Butbytakingaproactiveapproachearlyinyourmarriage,youcanlearntoaddressconflictinawaythatmakeseveryone—includingthelord—smile.
—MitchTemple
When Should We Agree to Disagree?Somecouplesthinkeverydifferenceofopinionin
amarriagehastobesettled.Theyfeardisasterlurkswhenspousesdoesn’tagreeoneveryissue.
frankandloisknowbetter.it’sbedtime,andthetwoofthemareonceagain
apologizingtoeachotherforanargumenttheyhadearliertoday.Theyalmostgetthegiggleswhentheyrealizehowstupiditwas.Theycanhardlyrememberthesubject—somethingabouttheirupcomingvaca-tion.Bothwereveryupsetandhurtbywhatwassaid,whateveritwas.
alongtimeagofrankandloismadeapacttonevergotobedmad,whichisgood.Butthey’vewastedthebetterpartofthedaybeingupsetoversomethingtheycanbarelyrecall—aconflictaboutwhichtheycouldhaveagreedtodisagree.
it’shardtoguesshowmanyargumentscouldbeavertedifcoupleswouldprayabouttheirdifferencesandletthemgo.Thisishardtodo,sincemostofuswanttobe“right”andjustifyourbehavior.
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Manycouples,especiallychristians,assumethatifthey’retrulycompatibleandinlovethey’llagreeonpracticallyeverything.Theymayeventhinkthatdis-agreementisasignofdriftingapart—orthatagreeingtodisagreemeanssettlingforsecondbest.
That’safaultyjudgmentbasedonanunrealisticexpectation.
Differencesareusuallywhatattractpartnerstooneanother.ifyoudoubtthat,takeapersonalitytestfromacounselor—whichcanbefun—andhighlightthedifferencesthatenrichyourrelationship.Sharingallopinionsandpreferencesisn’tgoingtohappen,andyouwouldn’twantitto.agreeingtodisagree,whenit’sappropriate,isrealistic—andcanhelpeachofyouappreciatetheother’suniqueness.
ifyouhavechildren,agreeingtodisagreealsocansetagoodexampleforthem.Watchingyougivesthemabroaderperspective.childrenaren’tusuallyconfusedorupsetbyparentsdisagreeing,butmayfeelthreatenedbythebehaviortheyobservewhenthere’snoresolutionofaconflict.
Sowhenshouldyouagreetodisagree?andwhen
shouldyou“sticktoyourguns”?Theanswerstothosequestionswilldependonthe
importanceyouattachtoeachissue.Therearecertaindecisionssuchashavingchildren,settinglifegoalsandchoosingwheretolivethatmayrequireoutsidehelptonegotiateifyoucan’tagree.othercases—whethertohavepets,wheretogoonvacation,howmuchtospendondiningout,whocleansthebathrooms—maybeeasiertoworkoutonyourown.Thekeyseemstobeyourwillingnesstonotgetdefensivenortoinsiston“winning.”
Sometimesagreeingtodisagreeisachoicetoac-ceptyourspouse’spreferenceoutofrespectorlove.forexample,Dandoesn’treallywanttohaveasecondchildatthistime.ButhiswifeBonniedoes.afterdiscussingit,Dantellsherthathewon’tstandinthewayofherenthu-siasm;he’llsupportandloveherwithoutresentment.
Butwhenadisagreementcan’tberesolvedandeitherofyouharborsresentmentthatinterfereswithyourrelationship,agreeingtodisagreemayonlybe“stuffing”feelings.ifthathappens,gethelpsothattheresentmentcanbereleased.
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Veryfewdisagreementsareworthfightingfor.Buttherearehealthywaystoexpressyourdesiresandnegotiateresolution.Whenyoumakearequestwithrespectandanopenmind,yourchancesofbeingheardarethatmuchgreater.
Herearesomeprinciplestokeepinmindwhenitcomestodealingwithdisagreements.
1. Don’texpecttoagreeoneverything.2. conveyyourdesirewithoutangerandwithout
havingtobe“right.”3. askyourselfifyou’rebeingselfish.4. Rememberthatyourrelationship,notthe
issue,ismostimportant.5. Trynottotakethingstoopersonally.6. Rememberthatbuildingarelationshiptakes
time.7. forgive,forgive,forgive.8. Keepasenseofhumor.
Whendisagreementsarise,tryusingthatasacheck-list.ofteniftheseprinciplesreflectyourattitude,you’llfinditeasiertoletgooftheissueyou’vebeenstrugglingwith.
let’ssaythatfrankandloislovetogoouttodinnerandamovie.Butfranklikesactionmoviesandloislikesromanticcomedies.frankwouldrathertakepoisonthanwatcharomanticcomedy;loiswouldratherbeskinnedalivethanseeanactionfilm.iftheycompromisebytakingturns,onepersonalwaysloses.Howcantheyagreetodisagree?
first,theygiveeachotherpermissionnottoagreeoneverything.Thentheylistentoeachotherwithoutjudging.Theyfeelsecureintheknowledgethatthey’renottryingtochangeeachother,andthateachhasachoicetoactinalovingwayevenwhenthetwoofthemhavedifferentperspectives.
Theybrainstormsomecreativeoptions.finallytheydecidethatthey’llgoouttodinner,thenpickacineplexwhereeachcanseethemovieofhisorherchoice.
itmaynotbetheperfectsolution,andtheymaychangetheirmindsaftertryingthisapproach.Butitbeatsarguingoverissuestheycan’tevenrememberattheendoftheday.
—RomieHurley
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What If We Have a Lot of Unresolved Conflicts?
afteronlytwoyearsofmarriage,nancyandJohnarelivingveryseparatelives.
Theproblem?neitherofthemlikesconflict,sotheyavoideachother.
nancypoursherselfintohobbiesandcaringfortheirnine-month-oldson.Johnisstayinglateratwork,andoftengoesstraightfromtheretothehealthclub.onthosenights,hedoesn’tevenseenancyorhissonbeforetheygotobed.usingtheexcusethathedoesn’twanttodisturbhiswife,hesleepsonthecouch.
Johnandnancycan’trememberwhentheylasthadanightouttogether.Theirsexualintimacyhasdwindledtolessthantwiceamonth,withlittletender-nessorjoy.Bothareconcernedabouttheirmarriage,butfeelimmobilizedbythefearofgettingangry,gettinghurtorhurtingeachother.
MaybeyoucanidentifywithnancyandJohn.unresolvedconflictishangingoveryourmarriagelikeathundercloud,threateningastormyoudon’twant
tobrave.Perhapsyou’vealwaysresisteddiscussingproblems.oryoureffortstoresolvedifferenceshaveendedinicysilenceorshoutingmatches,experiencesyoudon’tcaretorepeat.
notresolvingconflictmaygiveaninitialfeelingofpeaceorharmony,butit’slikeawoundthathealsonthesurfacewhenunderneaththere’saninfectionthatneedstobereleased.nooneenjoyslancingthewound,butrealrecoverycan’ttakeplaceotherwise.
fearofconflictcanstemfromhavingexperiencedtoomuchofitasachild—orfromneverhavingseenany.Someparentssheltertheirchildrentoomuchbynotrevealingdisagreementsnordemonstratinghowtheycanberesolved.othersdisplayonlythearguments,notshowingtheprocesswherebydisagreementsareworkedout,leadingtoafearoftheunknown.
inthecaseofJohnandnancy,itwouldbegoodtosharetheirchildhoodexperienceswithconflictandwhattheirexpectationswereformarriage.Theymaydiscoverthattheirexpectationswereunrealisticormistaken—forexample,thinkingthatchristiansmustneverargueordisagree.
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Howcouplesdealwithconflictisoneofthegreatestpredictorsofwhetherornotamarriagewillendindivorce.inmostmarriages,conflictresolutionisinitiatedbythepartnerwho’smoreassertiveormoreofapursuerphysicallyandverbally.Thatcanatleastbringsituationstothetable,butthehealthiestscenariorequiresfreedomforbothspousestostartconversa-tionsonareasofconcern.
Whenbothpartnersaren’tassertiveorfearconflictorlacktheskillstodealwithit,resentmentcanbuildquicklyfromtheproverbialmolehillintoamoun-tain.it’scrucialtogetoutsidehelpinthatcase;you’redealingnotonlywithpersonalityissues,butmostlikelyalifelongpatternofavoidance.agoodfamilytherapist,orapastorwhohastimeandexpertisetoworkwithyouonanongoingbasis,couldcoachyou.
Whenunresolvedconflictsareimmobilizingyourmarriage,yourgoalshouldbeto“getunstuck.”Herearefivestepsinthatdirection.
1. forgiveyourspouse.2. Praytogether.3. appreciateeachotherinatangibleway
(cards,gifts,specialmeals,etc.).4. Discoverandconfessstubbornnessandthe
desiretobe“right.”5. gethelpfromawisementororcounselor.
inthecaseofnancyandJohn,ittookacrisistogetthemtoatherapist.nancygrewseverelydepressedandendedupinthehospital.John’sconcernforher,alongwithherdoctor’sprescription,drovethemtoseeachristiancounselor.
afterworkingwiththetherapistforseveralmonths,nancyandJohnarelessafraidofconflict.Theyknowthere’sstillalongroadahead,butareencouragedbyhowhonestlythey’reexpressingtheirfeelings—especiallywhentheyrememberhowcarefullytheyusedtoavoidthat.
inaddition,nancyhasbeenworkingoutatthehealthclubwithJohntwiceaweek—whiletheirsonstayswithJohn’sparents.Theygoouttoeatonthosenights,andfindtheyhaveenergyandexcitementforintimacy—andstayinguplaterthanusual.
—RomieHurley
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What If an Argument Gets Out of Control?
onceagain,SueandKenhavegonetobedangry.eachliesasfaroveronhisorhersideofthebedasishumanlypossible.
SueisthinkingabouttheterriblethingsKensaidtoher,andhowafraidshewas.She’llspendmostofthenightunabletosleep,rememberingalltheirfightsinalmostthreeyearsofmarriage.
Ken,meanwhile,isexhausted.HethinksabouthowunreasonableSueis.Then,suddenly,hefallsasleep.
Somecouples,likeKenandSue,haveahabitoflettingargumentsgetoutofcontrol.othersfindithappeningonlyonceinawhile.Stillotherstrynevertoraiseanysensitivesubjects,fearingtheresultingargumentwilldegenerateintoaverbalbattlethatleadsinevitablytodivorce.
Whydoargumentsspinoutofcontrol?Hereareseventhingscouplesneedtounderstandaboutdisagreementsthatgooffthedeepend.
1. Spousesbecomeirrationalformanyreasons.itcanstemfromfeelingoverwhelmed,threat-ened,provoked,criticizedorjustmisunder-stood.Theemotionsmaynotbewrong,buttheirout-of-controlexpressioncanbe.astheBiblesays,“afoolgivesfullventtohisanger,butawisemankeepshimselfundercontrol”(Proverbs29:11).
2. Somepeopleseemonlytoogladtolosecontrolduringanargument.There’sakindofadrenalinerushthatcomeswithexpress-inganger,anditcanbeaddictive.That’sonereasonKencouldfallasleepeasilyoncehecameoffthe“high”oftheargument;theadrenalinedepletionhadwornhimout.
3. fearingout-of-controlargumentscancauseaspousetoburyhisorherfeelings,soasnottoprovoketheotherperson.Thatmayworkintheshortrun,butignoringexplosiveissueswon’tworklong-term.They’lleventuallycometoahead.
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4. awifetendstoremembersituationsmuchlongerthanahusbanddoes,andthedangerofherdredgingupthepastisnotonlyrealbutcommon.Thisisoverwhelmingtothespousewhotendstoforget,orwantstoforget,thingssaidanddoneinanger.
5. Bothaggressiveandpassive/aggressivebehaviorcanbedangerous.inmostcouples,onespousetendstobemoreofanaggressivepursuerinarguments.Thispersonusuallygetsmoreoftheblamebecauseheorsheiseasytoidentify.Butthepassive,quietermatewhonagsorblamesisoftenjustasdestructive.
Here’sanexampleofapassive/aggressivestatement:“iknowhowsmartyouare,butyou’llneverreallybeabletogetagoodjobsinceyoudidn’tfinishyourdegree.”Thisbehaviorishardertoidentifythanoutrightaggression;eventhepersonwhousesitmaynotseetheneedtorepentandchange.
6. Bullyinginarelationshipcanbeintimidating,butit’simportantnottorunfromthreats.it’sbettertofindaconstructivewaytodealwiththebullyingandavoidlivinginfear.Therearetimeswhenagentlespiritcanturnawaywrath(Proverbs15:1),butthisispresentedintheBibleasanintentional,positiveact—notonemotivatedbyfearofprovokingsomeonetoanger.
7. PhysicalviolenceisneveroK.Threatsofphysicalviolencemustbehandledimme-diately.ifyoufeelthreatened,gettoasafeplace.Putdistancebetweenyouandthepersonendangeringyou;callthepoliceifnecessary.
Physicalviolencedoesn’tstopwithoutinter-vention.abusersmustlearntomanageanger.oncethedangerispast,insistoncounseling.also,educateyourselfaboutabusecyclesandhowtoprotectyourselfinthefuture.
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out-of-controlargumentsdon’talwaysinvolveviolence,ofcourse.nomatterhowmuchyouandyourspouseloveeachother,nomat-terhowunderstandingyoutrytobeandnomatterhowstronglyyouwanttoavoidhurtingeachother,therewillbetimeswhenargu-mentsgetoutofcontrol.
Herearesomewaystoprepareforthosetimesandtominimizetheirnegativeeffects.
1. Beawareofyourphysicalreactionsandtrig-gers,toletyouknowwhenit’stimetobackoff.Mostpeopletenseupwhenuncomfort-ableorthreatened.
2. Takeresponsibilitytocommunicatehowyou’refeelingandwhatyou’rethinking.
3. never,everbully,threatenorintimidateyourspouse.
4. askforatime-outwhenyouneedit;setanothertimetotalk.
5. ifyouknowasubjectistoovolatiletohandlealone,discussitinthepresenceofaneutral
partysuchasapastororcounselor.6. ifyou’re“walkingoneggshells”orhidingin
fearinordertoavoidangeringyourspouse,getoutsidehelp.
7. Praywithyourspousewhenthingsgettoointense,evenifyouavoidtheimmediatetopicforthemoment.Theactofsubmittingtogod’sauthoritymaybringsomerelief.
8. Prayindividually—aprayerofrepentanceforyourownattitudeandactions.
9. forgiveyourspouse.Thisdoesn’tmeanagreeingwithhisorherpositionorexcusingabuse;itmeansgivingupyourdeterminationtogetrevenge.
RememberKenandSue?Whentheygetupthenextday,Kenapologizesforthemeanthingshesaid—ashe’sdonemanytimesbefore.Thistime,though,headmitsthathe’safraidofhurtingSueduringoneofthesefights.Hesaysheknowshehasaproblemandwantshelpingettingtothebottomoftherageheoftenfeels.SinceheandSuehavebeentalkingabouthaving
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children,thethoughtofhurtingthemscareshim,too.untilnow,Suehasalwaysretreatedinfear.now,
becauseofKen’sadmission,shefeelssafeenoughtoexpresssomeofherfeelings.Sheacknowledgesthatshehasaproblemwithfearandwouldbewillingtoseeacounselorwithherhusband.
Don’tletyouranger,oryourspouse’s,dominateyourrelationship.anddon’tletfearofanout-of-controlargumentkeepyouandyourmatefromcommunicatinghonestly.
—RomieHurley
What If the Same Conflicts Keep Coming Up?
“icannotbelieveimarriedthisman!”cindytoldthecounselor.“iknowthatilovehim,butrightnowiamsoangrywithhim.
“Kentneverfollowsthroughwithanythinghesaysheisgoingtodo.Sometimesiwonderifimarriedthewrongperson.Wecontinuetohavethesamefights
overandoveragain;nothingevergetsresolved.“forexample,lastnightiaskedhimtotakeout
thetrash.Hetoldmehewoulddoitwhenthebasket-ballgamewasover.Thismorningthetrashwasstillhere,andsoitookitout.Tonightwe’lltalkaboutitandhe’llapologizeandexpectmetoforgivehim.Butthenthesamesituationwillhappenagain.
“iamtiredofhisemptyapologieswhenthereisnochange.i’mbeginningtofeelalotofresentment,andwe’veonlybeenmarriedthreeyears.i’mafraidthatourmarriageisgoingtobeintroubleifwecan’tgetahandleonthis.”
cindybelievesthatwhenKentagreestotakethetrashoutforherafterthegame,he’lldoitthatnight.Kentbelievesthataslongasthetrashgetstakenoutinthenextfewdays,he’sliveduptohisresponsibility.orhethinksthatbecauseheintendedtofollowthroughandjustforgot,cindyshouldremindhimagain.Hecan’tunderstandwhyshetookitoutandthengotmadathim;afterall,itwasn’tthatfullinthefirstplace!
cindy’sfrustrationisacommononeforrecentlymarriedcouples:theconflictthatarisesistemporarily
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resolved,butcontinuestocreepupbecausenolastingremedyhasbeenfound.Theseunresolvedconflictsleavespousesfeelingasiftheymarriedthewrongperson,orthattheirmarriageisdoomed.
conflictinanyrelationshipisnormal.Theproblemoccurswhenyoudon’tworkthroughit.
Whatshouldyoudoifthesameissueskeeppop-pingup,unresolved?Herearesomestepstotake.
1.Realizethatyoulearntoworkthoughconflictbyconfrontingtheissue—notbyavoidingit.
2.Rememberthepurposeofconfrontingtheconflict:resolution.Yourultimategoalistoreconcileandmakeyourrelationshipevenstronger.ifyou’reaimingjusttospouthurtandanger,you’lldamagetherelationship.Winningthebattleisn’timportant,either.Whatmattersiscontinuingtostrengthenyourbond.
3.Don’tprocrastinate.conflictresolutionshouldbedoneassoonaseitherpartyrecognizesthatheorsheisfeelingupset.
4.Setasideatimefordiscussionwheneachspousecanbeathisorherbest—notwhenonepartyisextremelytiredorabnormallystressed.Youwantboth
partnerstobewillingandreadytoseekreconciliation.5.Taketurnsexpressingyourfeelingsaboutthe
conflictathand.listencarefully.6.use“i”statementsinsteadofattackingthe
otherperson.examples:“ifeelhurtwhenyoudon’tfol-lowthrough,”ratherthan,“You’resoirresponsible.Youneverkeepyourpromises.”
7.Specificallyexpressyourneedtoyourspouse.forinstance,“itwouldhelpmeifyou’dtakethetrashoutassoonasyouagreetodoit.”
8.comeupwithaplanofaction.forexample,writedownchoresthateachpersonisresponsibleforandwheneachchoreistobeaccomplished.inthecaseofcindyandKent,theywrotethatKentistotakeoutthetrasheveryMonday,WednesdayandSaturday.nowbothhavethesameexpectation;Kentknowscindycan’tnaghim,butshehasthefreedomtocon-fronthimifhedoesn’tfollowthroughonhisagreement.
9.findanothercouple,apastororacounselortowhombothofyouwillbeaccountable.Sharetheplanofactionyou’veagreedupon.Knowingthatsomeoneisholdingyouaccountablecanhelpyoufollowthrough.
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ifyourchronicconflictshavedraggedonandon,neverreachingresolution,youmaybeskepticalaboutwhetherthesemethodsreallywork.considerthecasesofthesetwocouples.
“Samanthaandialwaysfoughtovermoney,”Joesaid.“Shewouldspendwithouttalkingtomeandwritecheckswithoutloggingthemintheregister.everymonthwhenisatdowntodothefinances,wewouldfight.Webothhatedthebeginningofthemonth.
“Wefinallysolvedthisconflictbysettingupabudget.Samknowshowmuchwehavetospendineachbudgetedarea.igotduplicatecheckssoifsheforgetstowritedowntheamounts,istillhavearecord.Thishassavedusnumerousfights.nowneitherofusdreadsthebeginningofthemonth.”
gailandTomalsodiscoveredthevalueofcomingupwithaplan.gailfeltTomneverlistenedtoherwhenshecamehomefromwork,wantingtotalkaboutherday.Theydiscussedtheproblemmanytimes,withgailintearsandTomfeelingnaggedandthenapologizingforhisinsensitivity.Theconflictwoulddieforafewdays;thenthey’dberightbackwheretheystarted.
gailknewtherepeatedbattleswereharmingtheirmarriage.Soshecamehomeearlyfromworkoneday,madeTomagreatdinner,andsharedherhurtswithhim.“iloveyousomuchandihateitwhenwefight,”shesaid.“Youaremybestfriendandiwanttosharemydaywithyou.WouldyoubewillingtogivemetenminutesofyournightwithouttheTVon,justtoletmeshare?”
Theyagreedtotalkafterdinnereverynight.nowTomturnstheTVoffandsitsdownwithgailfor10to15minuteswhileshetellshimaboutherday.insteadofarguing,they’recloser.gail,feelingcaredfor,hasstoppednaggingTom—who’spleasedthathecanshowlovetohiswifethisway.
ifyou’redrivingtoworkandhithugepotholesthatdamageyourtiresandmakeyoulate,whatdoyoudo?Youtakeadifferentroutethenextday.
Thesameshouldbetrueinyourmarriage.ifaconflictkeepscomingup,it’ssillytokeepgoingdownthatroad.Takeanotherpaththatwillbenefityourrela-tionship.insteadofsubmergingtheconflict,developaplanthathelpsyouresolveitonceandforall.
—SherylDeWitt
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