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I. Introduction

Lifebooks: A Gift to your Child

~ Catholic CharitiesCHILD-AND FANHLY SERVICES

Marcy Gitt, MSW, LCSW-CAdoption Social Worker

Center for Family Services

2601 N. Howard Street, Suite 200 ~.Baltimore, MD 21218mgitt@cc-md.org

Phone: 410-659-4050 ,;.Fax: 410-659-4060II. What is a Lifebook? And What it Isn't

III. Differences between "lifebooks" and "scrapbooks"

LifebooksPrivate, but not a secretContains only the truthFocuses on informationSometimes sadChildren included

ScraR.Q.ook.£Eagerly sharedSometimes fantasyFocuses on pictures or artworkUsually happy memoriesOften made only by adults

IV. Purpose of LifebooksA tool for normalizing discussion of adoptionHelps to connect children to their histories and beginningsGive the family an attachment ritualHelp reduce magical thinking and fantasyHelp answer questions, increase self-esteem, teach children i

V. Essentials of atLifebookAlways starts with child's birthMentions birthmother and birthfatherIncludes reasons why child was adopted

VI. Road blocks to Lifebooks for Adoptive ParentsDifficulty of creating a lifebook - it never gets easierTime consuming - it is time well-invested in your relationshipAnxiety provoking ..you can get past your fearsSometimes overwhelming - think of the benefitsDifficult information - you don't have to share everything at once

"Vhy Lifebooks are Important

Lifebooks are written stories of a child's life, beginning with his/her birth andincluding their journey to their adoptive family. One of the most importantelement of lifebooks is to introduce the reasons why the child's adoption planwas made. Lifebooks help to connect children to their histories and beginnings.They are a tool that adoptive parents can use in telling the adoption story from avery young age. They are a gift to the child to help them process and understan.dthis story. Lifebooks give parents a medium for having everyday conversationswith their child around their adoption.

A lifebook is not a scrapbook of the adoptive parents' memories and experiences,but is focused on the child's experiences and is written from the child's point ofview.

Beth O'Malley in her book Lifebooks: - Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child(2004)gives the following little known lifebook facts:

A lifebook provides:

III A concrete tool for meaningful conversation

•• Increased comfort level for adoptive parent or foster parents in adoptionconversa tions

III An adoption security blanket

Attachment Rituals

III Structure for difficult material (such as reasons for the relinquishment)

HI Ways to normalize adoption language

Vvaysto reduce fantasy about birthparents

A front-load for adolescence

*Quotes that are relevant to understanding the need for a LifebooIc

P.22 "talking openly and regularly builds a sense of identity:

p. 23 "Talking about rather than acting out feelings is the primary way children gain selfcontrol."

p. 29 "In order for your child to construct a positive identity, he must be able to tell hisown story. You will model this, using the information you have."

p. 34 "Every internationally adopted child fears illegal kidnapping. Having informationon birthparents helps."

p. 66 "If she had been regularly talking with her adoptive parents about her losses, shewould not have generalized abandonment to other situations"

p. 74 "Among adoptive parents as well as among professionals, there is a school ofthought that says parents must not put ideas about the past into a child's head. Rather,parents should wait for a child to ask about adoption, or let the child come up withexplanations for why she was adopted. I liken this approach to the challenge of doing athousand piece jigsaw puzzle without a picture for guidance. Parents who follow thisstrategy often comment that the child "remembers nothing" and "isn't interested" inasking or hearing about adoption."

"In a family with an internationally adopted child of any age, parent and childtogether must learn to tell a coherent story of the child's life, a story that resonates withand captures as accurately as possible the child's experience. This is the most importantparenting strategy they can pursue, for three reasons. First, researchers havedemonstrated that telling a coherent life story reduces a child's out of controlposttraumatic behaviors. Second, a coherent story mends a child's shattered identity.Third, a child's story is the most powerful means of building connectionbetween parent and child."

p. 81 "refusing to talk about the past creates a divide between parent and child

p. 82 "the experience of shared loss is the healing balm of a relationship"

*from: "PARENTING YOUR INTERNATIONALLY ADOPTED CHILDfrom your First Hours together through the Teens"by Patty Cogen, M.A. Ed.D

10 tips for talkingDiscussing adoption with your child is an

ongoing conversation that spans the years.Each time you talk about adoption with yourchild, take these 10 tips under consideration.

1. Know which information to sharewith a child at different ages. If you havetrouble knowing what your child is able tounderstand, separate the issue from adop-tion. At what age does a cbild understandthat assaulting another person is wrong?Probably at a very young age. Listening tothe types of questions your children ask willgive you a good idea of what they can grasp.For example, when your child asks, "Did Igrow in your tummy?" you'll know be orshe is beginning to understand the basicconcept of birth parents.

2. Grieving the lost set of birthparentsis healthy for any child under any circum-stances. This is even true when the child hasno memory of birtbparents or a trauma.Allowing your children to have these feel-ings enables them to work througb tbesefeelings so that they can understand them-selves better and move forward.

Do not feel as if you've failed becauseyour child is grieving. You can be an excel-lent role model in bow to process grief sinceyou have grieved losses such as infertility,unmet expectations, promotions you didn'treceive, and so on. 'Let your children knowthey can talk about their negative feelingswithout being judged and that it is okay if itis painful. You cannot process the grief forthem.

3. Don't feel a need to make everything"rosy." If everything was wonderful, thenwhy would the birthparents have chosen anadoption plan? The most critical questionadoptees have to their self-esteem is under-standing the "why." Answer that questionwith the knowledge that you have of thepast along with the love you have for yourchild now.

4. Make the adoption story. concrete.Review your child's lifebook with yourchild. Makc your child an adoption scrap-book. Show your cbile! the places where beor she was born and adopted, even if it isonly by pictures. Review your child's back-ground information. Help your child write aleuer to the birthparents, even if it cannot bedelivered. Get your child a support groupwith other adoptces. Realize that certain

feelings are only safely shared witb adoptedpeers.

5. Put all background information inwriting. Do not depend on your memory.Document any unsuccessful efforts to obtainmore information. If you don't find anyinformation, write: "I know you wish weknew more but we don't. If it's importantthat you know, we can try and find out."Tuck away extra copies of all documents,background information, lifebooks, adoptionscrapbooks, etc., in case they are lost, dam-aged, or torn up in a fit of anger.

Offer to visit the agency or lawyer withyour cbild in an effort to obtain more back-ground. Even if you know the effort isfutile, it gives your cbild a sense of controland demonstrates your support.

6. Have empathy. Self-control andappropriate behaviors are learned. It may behelpful to tell your child that no one mayhave taught the birthrnother bow to treatothers. Some birthparents didn't have goodlives as children. and they may not baveknown how to handle children.

7. Listen to your "second message,"your emotional message. This isn't whatyou say, but what you are feeling when yousay it. The information doesn't have to bedamaging if you present it in a delicate, car-ing way.

8. Be calm and matter of fact. If yourchild senses that you're upset, the child mayinterpret the information as upsetting.

9. Share facts without making a judg-ment. Explain how circumstances, not peo-ple, were the problem. Certain situations canbe difficult for anyone and that the child didnot cause it. You can say, "Since they couldnot provide for your themselves, theyallowed things to happen so that someoneelse could."

10. Point out the good things that cameout of the situation. Tell your child youwanted a child and what a perfect solutionbe or she was to your need. Even with themost difficult birth stories, honesty is best.One caseworker summed lip my views whenshe responded to a startled family's ques-tion: "Why would you ever tell your child ifhe orshe was a product of a rape?" Herimmediate reply was, "Why not? Becauseit's the honest truth." m.i

Are you ready for a question like this?

"Why Was I Adopted?"

Nervous?Don't know what you'll say?

Where to begin?

. .' .

Get Ready & Create an Adoption Lifelsookl

Start by Signing up for FREE lifebook lessons

...www.adoptionlifebooks.com/signup.htm

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Find Adoption Books, vldeos.: andarticles from experts, for makingeducated choices during the adoptionprocess.

Adoption Memory 800k N Blue with White Dots

Baby Memory Book for Adoptions. Includes family tree, keepsake envelope and lots of room for memorable

times and special photos. Blue with White Dots.

Rating: ,~,ftt;:, Votes: 657

Price: RRP. $39.50

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Adoption Memory Book - large Dots ~ Girl

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Price: Rf<i>-:-~O

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It's very important to create a memory book or lifebook for your adopted cilild that records his/her life beforecoming into your forever family (if possible) and all the years that follow. Whether you choose a do-it-yourself or fill-in-the-blank album to save every precious memory, this will become a special memento ofyour child's life. Also, in Foster Care, theLifebook serves t.o preserve a connection with a child's past bypromoting confidence and stregnthening identity.

Note: Some of our selections are packaged in larger quantities to better serve agencies helping thelr clientscreate these books.

Product 1 to 13 of 13Page: 1

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Adoption Lifeboo 1<:A Bridge to Your Child's BeginningsAuthor: Cindy Probst

Description:How do you and your child talk about her/his life before you became" f"l11ily? Are there parts ofyour child's early life story that you find difficult to explain? /)0 you ever wonder about whichwords to use and where to start?

Price: $14.95

Adoption Memory Book - Pink with White DotsAuthor: Penny Laine Papers

Rating: 'f:t'ie,k;J;rf' Votes: 1149

Description;Baby rvlernory Book for Adoptions. tncrudes family tree, keepsake envelope and lots of roorn for

memorable times and special photos. Pink with White Dots.

Price: RHP. SJS.59Now: $34.95

Adoption Memory Book - Blue with White Dots (j§JAuthor: Penny Laine Papers

Rating: ·,In!'niy·I4<;··' Votes: 657

Description:

Baby t·lernory Book for Adoptions. Includes f.mily tree, keepsake envelope and lots of room formemorable times and special photos. Blue \Nith White Dots.

Price: H'RP~~

Now: $34.95

All About Me [10 pacl<]Author: Lynn Burwashf Cie McM ullin

Rating: '';;;:'-PI~;'; Votes: 1355

Description:This book was designed to serve as a tool for younger cnildren to understand the meaning of theiradoption.

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(ONLY sold in packs of 10.For example 2 packs equals 20 books.)

Price: i+Rf'. 51.09.%Now: $104.50

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Before You Were Mine: Discovering Your Adopted Child's LifestoryAuthor: Susan Tebos, Carissa Woodwyk, Sherrie Eldridge

Description:Helps adoptive parents learn about their child's life prior to adoption and to create a lifebook froma faith perspective that will allow parents to share it with their child at an appropriate time.

Price: $14.99

http://www.tapestrybooks.com/categories.asp?cID=125 1/2212010