hartford misinformer (april fools' 2010)

8/9/2019 Hartford MisInformer (April Fools' 2010)

1/8

Volume 666, Issue 666 December 21, 2012

cat story

Weather

On The 7s

Global

Warming:

Ofcially a

thing.

(Its hot.)

The MisInformerwww.hartfordinformer.com

University of Hartford

Once upon a time, the catwent outside to play. Lets

say about 20 years ago (itshis winter outt).

Then 2,500 of his closestfriends showed up (oh

hai) and made things veryuncomfortable for him.

Finally, one day, the catgrew up and went outside

to play again. He lived hap-pily ever after. Fin.

Then one day, the catwent away and found a

new home, inside a warmand cozy basketball court.

Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

By Alexandria HubbardCat Got Your Tongue

On the heels of the Swine Flu,a new strain ofu has begun to

plague the university community,and students should begin to takethe necessary steps to protectthemselves.

The LOLCat Flu, or C1N5, has

infected nearly 500 university stu-dents over the past two weeks. Therst case was reported just afterSpring Break, but university of-cials have remained quiet about it.

Symptoms of this strain includethe regularu symptoms such asaches throughout the body anda fever.

However, with C1N5 a personwho has been infected has thetendency to start speaking in in-complete sentences, often beginwriting in phonetics and has astrong craving for cheeseburgers.

An infected individual also hasa strong inclination to meow likea cat. This particular symptom hascaused a great deal of distraction in

many classes in the past two weeks.I was in the middle of a lecture,

and one of my students just startedmeowing, said one professor whowished to remain anonymous. Atrst I thought it was a disciplinaryissue, like some new fad kids aredoing these days. I was close tokicking him out, when I realizedhow sick he looked.

The student claimed to be fever-ish and dizzy, so the professorallowed him to leave the classroomto go to Health Services. Whenhe arrived, the staff was just asalarmed as the professor was.

Just like with H1N1, it was

something we had not seen be-fore, said Dr. Susan William, a

doctor at Health Services. Wewere unaware of how to deal withthis, so we were forced to call theCenter for Disease Control.

The CDC conrmed that it wasC1N5 and immediately prescribedantibiotics for the student. He wassent to be quarantined at his homeaway from campus for the nextthree weeks until the symptomssubside.

After therst case was reported,more and more ooded the center.Students are being directed to otherclinics in the nearby area so theycan receive adequate care. HealthServices advises students to imme-

diately seek an outside clinic if heor she cannot get an appointment

right away on campus.Students are being asked to

go home to be quarantined untilthey are symptom-free if they arediagnosed with C1N5.

If a student cannot go home, thenthey are asked to self-quarantinethemselves to their room oncampus. Friends or suitematesof a student with C1N5 can getmeals for that student through theGet Well Buddy program. This

program was implemented at theheight of the H1N1 pandemic inthe fall.

University ofcials have notyet released an ofcial statement

about the rapid increase of C1N5on the Hartford campus. President

Walter Harrison is expected to holda press conference by Friday, April2 to address the community aboutwhat to do and what this strain ofthe u means for the community.

Until then, students who believethey may have been exposed toC1N5 are being asked to imme-diately go to Health Services andstop attending classes.

Professors have been notied ofthe rise in cases and are preparedto utilize Blackboard for studentswho cannot attend class.

I just hope we can contain this assoon as possible; the meowing in theofce needs to stop, said William.

By Jeremy StanleyAhoy Matey!

A long time standby on the Uni-versity of Hartford campus has bidan abrupt farewell.

The anchor, originally part of theU.S.S. Hartford ship that saw 67years of service in the military, wasrepossessed last night in part of a

Naval Historical Society restora-tion project.

The project, which Navy ofcialssay began in 2004, was only madeknown to University administrationtwo weeks ago, under the conditionof secrecy.

The Navy came to an agreementverbally with President WalterHarrison to remove the anchor atan unspecied time, Harrison saidin an e-mail to students.

Although we lose one of ourmost unique and precious artifactsthat the campus has ever had the

pleasure of having, we can ndsolace in knowing that the militaryvalues something that has had adening presence on our campus,wrote Harrison.

Originally, when the Navy hadrequested the anchor, they said theywould remove the spray paint thatour students have used on it overthe years. I would not allow ittheremaining design on the anchor ishow it will be and forever be, he

wrote.If I could change it in any way,

I would have informed the studentbody to begin withthis just wasntfeasible, as the Navy said knowingwhen the anchor was going to beremoved could create potential

security issues on the campus thatPublic Safety and Hartford Policeis not equipped to handle, Har-rison wrote.

It is not an easy decision, byany stretch of the imagination, but

a piece of the Navy that became apiece of the University of Hartfordwill once again be a piece of the

Navy, Harrison wrote.Students responded to the change

with mixed reactions. Many mourn-ed the loss of what they called an

icon of the campus, others ex-pressed indifference at its overnightdisappearance.

Red Key tour guides were blind-sided in the morning, some tourguides spoke on the condition of

anonymity about the anchor.When I took myrst group out by

the Bates House, I went along with myusual script until a student stopped mewhen I talked about the anchor andhow it gets spray painted by studentorganizations, one tour guide said.

It was embarrassing, to say theleast. I hadnt received any e-mailabout it since it was so early in themorning, so I had no idea anythingwas amiss, another tour guide said.

One student touring the campus

said, The anchor was the main reasonwhy I wanted to attend the university.This is a deal breaker.

Trinity University, which hasits own salvage from the ship, isexpected to give up its artifact inthe coming weeks.

NAVY TO UHA: ANCHOR AWAY!

DAVID HITCHINGS

FLICKR.COM/PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID HITCHINGS

One of the centerpieces in the campus was taken overnight by the Naval Historical Society.


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the misinformer newsnews April 1, 2010page 2

By Ben GyurikOfficial Demolisher

With housing deadlines com-ing to an end, the Universitysought to make students liveseasier.

Parking often has become ahard thing to come by on campus,and after a long debate on howto come up with a space largeenough to accommodate more

parking, the university came toa conclusion.

After a recent meeting witha demolition contractor overspring break, university officialsand President Walter Harrisoncame to an agreement.

According to President Har-rison, the University has foundthat with creating this new park-ing space, students will have atemporarily lowered housingcost for the upcoming 2010-2011semesters.

Vice President of Student Af-fairs Lee Peters explained, Wediscussed the best possible areato find adequate parking, andthe university decided that byreplacing one of the housingunits in the Quads that would

be our best bet. We found Quad1 to be the most suitable for a

parking space, as it is adjacentto Lot G near the Operations

building, and could easily be

made an extension of the lot.This is where the demolition

of the Quad will allow studentsto see a reduction in their hous-ing costs for the upcomingsemesters.

To make things move alongmore swiftly, students that ap-

plied for housing in Quad One,will be randomly assigned toother housing units, elaboratedHarrison.

Students unsatisfied with thechange, are offered to look forhousing off-campus, howeverthey will not be able to takeadvantage of the reduction inhousing costs.

They should welcome therandom housing assignments, aswe are looking at this as an op-

portunity to make the Universitya more tightly knit communityagain, said Peters.

For the 2010-2011 semesters,students will have two to threenewly ass igned roommates

joining their housing units atrandom.

To be more understanding ofstudents, the University will besending out a questionnaire toevery student living on campusabout their interests, as the Uni-versity will do its best to assignstudents with similar interests,said Peters.

The demolition crews will

begin working towards the endof this spring, and quad oneshould be demolished, and re-

paved into an extension of LotG a few weeks before the startof the 2010 fall semester.

When asked about the cost forthe demolitions, Vice PresidentPeters explained that it is stillunder negotiations, but part ofthe tuition increase studentsexperienced last year will beused for the extension of Lot G.

By making the availabilityfor more parking, we hope thatwe will be able to allow morecommuter parking, and allowfor more parking for schoolevents. The location of the lotalso makes it more suitable for

people living on campus to parktheir vehicles in a more conve-nient location closer to theirhousing, said Harrison.

When the topic about studentsthat applied for living arrange-ments in Quad 1 for next yearwere brought up, President Har-rison said,

The economy hasnt madeeducation as easily affordablefor students. By making this pos-sible, in the end we really onlyhope to make students have theireducation be given to them at amore reasonable price, and beeven closer to each other much

more than before.

By Keith RugarKing of All Things Gaga

The lyrics of pop icon Lady Gagawill be the focus of a new poetrycourse for the fall 2010 semester.

The new poetry 101 course, titledGaga: A Look at PostmodernPoetry, will analyze the poeticstructure and lyrical meaning be-hind Gagas music.

With lyrics such as Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah, Roma, Roma-ma, Ga Ga,ooh la la, Gagas use of phoneticspeech takes primitive verbal com-munication to another level, saidvisiting professor Samuel Davis,a graduate of the Phoenix onlineschool of poetry with a MastersDegree in postmodernist poetry.

Davis will be teaching the coursethat will be offered for the fall se-mester only. Gagas creative useof assonance and poetic imageryshould make this course a mustfor any English student, he said.

In a text received by the Informerstaff, freshmen creative writingstudent Brittney Rosenberg wroteOMG, Lady Gaga roks, I cant w82 take this class, LOL.

The Universitys English De-partment established this coursedue to a lack of interest amongstudents in classical poetry. Stu-dents were no longer interested inKeats, Coleridge or Wordsworth,so we wanted to make poetry moreaccessible to todays students,said administrative assistant DanaGalin. We are the rst universityto offer a course such as this one,and we hope it will attract newstudents, she said.

But not all of the universitysfaculty members are excited bythe departments new focus on

postmodern poetry.

Professor Charles Ross, whosefocus is on modernist literaturesaid, This course is an attack onthe very essence of my work, I havewritten books on D.H. Lawrenceand teach students about writerslike James Joyce, and the truenature of literature. And now they

Lady Gaga Poetry Class Offered in the Fall Semester

QUAD 1 will be Demolished:

New Parking Options By Keith RugarTo Russia, With LoveAfter the historic passing of

the National Health Care Bill lastweek, nationally syndicated radioand TV host Glenn Becknally

broke down and said he was leav-ing the United States and goingsomewhere where his opinionsand views match that of the politi-cal climate in that country.

Yes, it looks like Beck is nallymoving to Russia.

Russias current health care sys-tem is rated as one of the worst inthe world, where individuals whocant pay for health insurance oftenoffer doctors with donations inreturn for free care.

According to an article by AnnieLowery for foreignpolicy.com,Anyone who can afford it paysout-of pocket for private hospi-tals and doctorsconsumers can

pick their own insurance plan. Inreality, their employers generallydo it for them, bought-off by theinsurers.

If this does not sound like thefree market insurance system thatBeck has been begging to establishin the United States, I dont knowwhat is.

Beck, who cries when hethinks that the Government willcontrol your health care andleave old people without doctorsto care for them, would be morecomfortable in a country wherethe government has no control

over the private sector, said

MSNBC host Keith Olberman.This lack of control in the health

care system was do in part to thecollapse of the Soviet Union in 1989

and a transition to a public-privatemodel. According to Lowery, In2006, Vladimir Putins Governmentapproved a $3.2 billion health carereform plan that failed to improvethe system. With policies such as

paying doctors to perform primarycare, Lowery writes, It did not ad-dress any of the health care systemsstructural defects.

With the passing of the new U.S.health care bill, which providescoverage to 30-31 million uninsuredcitizens, Beck calls it the centerpieceof a progressive structure, and wouldlike to return to a time when pay asyou go was the law of the land.

With this, the once overly patrioticBeck could now join the Socialistnation. This is a long-term strategy,someone has to be standing whenthat evil capitalism nally fails us,Beck said.

This is part of the political powergrab that Beck has warned Americancitizens about for the last year. Beckonce stated, Every time the govern-ment grows we lose more of who weare. Beck may feel more comfortablein a country whose government can-not control the private sector.

However, his true apparition ofthe Russias health care policy afterthe switch to a public-private policyare evident in his comments, this isexactly what happened in the SovietUnion. The leaders there saw the

writing on the wall, said Beck.

Beck Heads to Russia

are going to allow some slackerto teach a class on Lady Gaga!

However, not all faculty members disapprove of the addedcourse curriculum. Professor Ben-

jamin Grossberg, a published poetwho teaches classes on contempo-rary U.S. poetry, said, Dude, a

class on Lady Gaga, that rocks.Gaga has gained popularity

amongst music fans since 2008 forher unique sense of style and her

blend of dance and pop music. Butsentiment still varies on campusabout the usefulness if a course that

puts Lady Gagas prose in the same

light as John Keats and James Joyce.Im still opposed to it, said Ross.

But if it will get more studentsinterested in literature, it cant beall that bad.

For more information on the newcourse contact the English depart-ment at [email protected].

COURTESY OF FASHION-STYLIST.NET COURTESY OF STUPIDCELEBRITIES.NET

Gaga: A Look at Postmodern Poetry will be offered as an introductory poetry elective for the Fall semester.


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the misinformer newsnews April 1, 2010 page 3

By Alexandria HubbardOfcial uncoverer of ALL things

awesome and 100 percent accurate

Human remains were found in therubble of the recently-demolishedAlumni House on Bloomeld Av-enue, and West Hartford police arenow investigating the nd.

Investigators report that as the de-bris of the house was being cleared,a construction worker saw somethingthat he thought resembled a humanleg bone. He called over his supervi-sor, Don McHart, who called WestHartford police.

I thought maybe it was just a reallybig dog that had died, but I wanted tobe sure, said McHart. The last thingI wanted was for it to be somethinghuge that I didnt report.

Police arrived to the area on Satur-day, March 27 and began partitioning

off the scene. As crews continued todig, they found more bones. Policeimmediately noted that the boneswere far too large to be a part of ananimal but could not conrm that itwas a human body until they foundthe skull.

On Tuesday, they uncovered theskull. Police have closed off theconstruction site as an investigationzone. Construction on the HebrewHigh School of New England has

been postponed indenitely.We will be investigating the

remaining area to determine if thereis anything else buried there thatwe should know about, said WestHartford Police Ofcer Steve Mark.Police are conducting an investigationto uncover the identity of the remainsand to determine what happened.

Missing persons cases in Con-necticut over the past 50 years are also

being investigated. Police believe that

these remains could help close one ofthose cases.

University ofcials are expectedto release a statement to studentsand faculty with more informationregarding the investigation by Satur-day. President Walter Harrison said,We want to make sure we have asmany facts to this case as possible

before we present everything to thecommunity. However, we do knowthat the situation is being handled withthe utmost importance by the WestHartford police and other governmentagencies.

Ofcials at the university claim theywere unaware of any of the skeletalremains when they acquired the house

in 1970. The house was originallybuilt in 1913.

The university sold the house to theHebrew High School of New Englandin 2007, but the university continuedto occupy the house until September2009. Demolition of the house beganin February. The only remaining pieceof the original structure is a small

carriage house, which will be madeinto an art and music center.

Ofcials for the Hebrew HighSchool of New England have statedin the past that they hoped to openthe school to students for the nextacademic year. However, thesedates are now tentative due to the

pending investigation.

Demolition of Alumni House Expose Human Remains

COURTESY OF MYWESTHARTORDLIFE.COM

Human remains found at build site for the Hebrew High School of New England and the construction has been postponed.

By J.D. SalinjerEditor-in-Briefs

The University of Hartford, inresponse to recent ooding, willturn the low-lying portions of D-Lot into a port for student boats.

Being implemented immediate-ly, students who wish to park their

boats in the renamed D-Port willpay the permit price to keep theirboats on campus over the courseof the semester.

Public Safety ofcials said in astatement that the opening of the

port would provide more oppor-tunities for students to get to andfrom campus.

However, while the boat-park-ing permit allows speedboats aswell as rowboats, the new rules

prohibit parking of what PublicSafety calls party boats: yachtsand sailboats.

SGA released a statement thatpraised Public Safety for allowingmore vehicles to park on campus,

but at the same time criticized themove to ban the party boatsfrom campus.

Some students cant affordboth a yacht and a speedboat andare therefore left out of the equa-tion when it comes to providingadequate situations.

Theres also the issue of spacein D-Port.

Were assessing demand at themoment, but if it is as high as itappears to be, we will consideropening up parking in the PublicSafety parking area across fromPark River, said a Public Safetyofcer.

Students are asked to travel atcampus speed limits when arrivingon campus. Drunk driving lawsalso apply to campus, as well, anofcer said.

It also comes with a few otherrestrictions; chief among them isthe 24-hour moratorium on playingthe song Im on a Boat by TheLonely Island.

The song, Im on a Boat isa song from 2009, by a bunch ofSaturday Night Live actors andT-Pain. Its also very annoying tohear a bunch of college kids singit. Yes, we get it; youre actuallyon a boat. Who cares? said oneadministration member speakingon the condition of anonymity(Walter Harrison).

Boat sellers are jumping on thisopportunity to begin selling boatsto students on campus.

Devin Moriarti, owner ofDevins Boats in Cape Cod,Mass., has begun advertising inlocal papers in the area.

Its not often you get to of-fer a landlocked university theopportunity to have a boat oncampus. Good thing our pricesare landlocked at the cheapestin the Northeast, Moriarti said.

Students with boats who alsowish to park their car on campuscan take advantage of PublicSafetys Buy one spot, get asecond spot half price deal.

In an e-mail sent out to students,Public Safety said that studentscould get two car parking spaces ortwo boat parking spaces as well asthe opportunity to have one vehicleon water and one vehicle on land.

Boats Can Park Informer Printing Press

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4/8

the misinformer newsnews April 1, 2010page 4

By David HitchingsObjects may appear larger than

they are

Starting this week your TV will

be able to display 3D images thanksto technological advances from aconsortium of TV manufactures.

The new technology is calledDimensionally Imposed Mechan-ics (DIM) and allows the pixels onyour TV screen to receive complexinformation and display it regard-less of the brand or age of your TV.Developed by leading scientists atSony, Toshiba and LG, the technol-ogy is a modication of the currentdigital signal. Long Wang, leadengineer from Sony described thetechnology at the launch event,DIM is one of the most amazingthings to happen to your televisionsince color. Its a bit like a magic eye

puzzle, the images just jump out at

you. Its quite unlike anything weveever seen before.

The analogy to magic eye is aclose one, requiring the viewer tolook just past the screen for the 3Deffect to take affect. If the programyou are watching is being broadcastin 3D and you are unable to see the

picture, try adjusting the distance

between the TV and yourself untilthe image becomes clear.

The technology has already goneinto effect in Japan with glowingcompliments of millions of TV

users.After a fairly long drawn out FCCdebate due to specic illnesses as-sociated with the new technology,the signal was approved a monthago. Due to the nature of the signal,current cable carriers will be ableto supply the new signal with littleto no cost in an immediate manner.

Networks like NBC, FOX andCNN have already expressed inter-est in using the new technology ontheir shows. Entertainment Presi-dent Kevin Reilly said of FOXscommitment to the new technology,we plan to incorporate the tech-nology extensively in the comingweeks.

Episodes of 24, House, Human

Target and American Idol will alluse the technology during theirseasons. Jeff Zucker President andCEO of NBC had similar remarks,our most popular shows like TheMarriage Ref and Dateline will

be broadcast in living 3D startingthis week. NBC who have beenstruggling with TV programming

in recent years hope this will boosttheir declining ratings. Of CNNstransition to DIM, Wolf Blitzer hadthis to say, Youre in the SituationRoom.

While some have criticized thebig movement to 3D as a pointlessgimmick, others are relishing theopportunity to see the Kardashiansas if they were actually in their liv-ing room.

The uptake is startling to a groupwho has protested the technologyfrom the start. The group who go bythe name the TeaV Party claim thatthe new technology is dangerous. Inone study, out of 100 people whoused the technology ve sufferedseizures, two lost their eyesightand one died of complications mostlikely related to the new technology.

Julius Genachowski, the chairmanof the FCC described the resultsas tolerable, adding, The TeaV

Party is the party that sends in allthose stupid complaints about Fam-ily Guy. That show is hilarious!

Check your local schedules forshows transmitted in the new 3Dtechnology in the coming weeks.For more information check out theFCCs brilliant Web site or those ofyour local stations and networks.

By Erica ClaytonIceberg Activist

New information from theInternational Sunken-ShipResearch Institute at the

North Atlantic University hasuncovered that the Titanic,

the c.1912 ship that stole ourhearts in James CameronsTitanic may not have actu-ally met her demise thanksto an iceberg. Thats right, itwasnt the icebergs fault. Asa matter of fact, new studiesare beginning to question thegeneral danger of icebergs toships. As it turns out, theyrenot dangerous; they were justgiven a bad reputation after thefalse accusations of sinkingthe Titanic.

So what did sink the Ti-tanic? Theorists have guessedanything from sea mines to aninsider sabotage, but it turnedout to be a creature nobodywouldve ever suspected if thisnew information hadnt beenfound: the narwhal. Yes, thatsright, new evidence is suggest-ing that many of the rivets thatwere popped on the ships hullwere destroyed in the midst ofa narwhal attack.

Dr. Wesley Snipes, headscientist at the InternationalSunken-Ship Research Insti-tute and professor at NorthAtlantic University, believesthis to be an overwhelminglyamazing discovery. It was aneasy discovery that had beenstaring us in the face for years,

but we refused to believe it -

or even consider it - due to itsabsurdity, says Snipes, butwhen we began to reconsiderthe theory at this quartersTitanic Disaster Response andRecovery meeting (sponsored

by Apple), the new informationwas brilliant.

Snipes went on to describethe new evidence, explainingthat the distinct marks in theships hull matched the tipof a narwhal horn perfectly.We reopened the theory afterthat Narwhal Awareness Fund

pushed us to look closer at theaggressive nature and strength

of the narwhal.According to the Narwhal

Awareness Funds Web site, www.welovenarwhalsintheocean.org,narwhals have a pack mentality,and their brute force and strengthis enough to push thousands andthousands of pounds through

water - even an iceberg. Snipesconcludes that a tusking of nar-whals could easily push an iceberg,given enough time. The NarwhalAwareness Fund concluded thata tusking of narwhals that had

been living in the North Atlanticat the time of the Titanics cross-ing became aggravated due to ahigher volume of ship-trafc. Inorder to combat the destruction oftheir cold, icy habitat, the narwhalsdecided to strike back and beginattacking ships.

Snipes concludes that after theiceberg was put into place, thenarwhals executed a plan to attackthe hull of the ship, using the ice-

berg as a distraction. Why do youthink the men in the crows nestdidnt see the ice until it was toolate? Because the narwhals put itthere, thats why.

After the ship struck the berg,the tusking of narwhals beganramming into the hull, punctur-ing it more than 2-dozen timesin critical areas both above and

below the bulkhead limits. Thiscaused water to rush into the shipand ultimately end its life.

Since this discovery has nallybeen legitimized, oceanographershave been conducting sweepingsurveys of the narwhal populationin the North Atlantic. Normallyunremarkable or unexplainable

ship damage from ocean liners thatcross the North Atlantic is now

being studied to see if the damagedone could be from narwhals.

Coming to this conclusion,Snipes says, was like being in areally smoky room for a really longtime, and then someone turned afan on and the smoke began todisappear, and waiting on theother side of the haze was thistheory. Skeptics are question-ing the theorys legitimacy butSnipes only has one thing to sayto them, Who are you going to

believe? Those jerks, or me? Ima SCIENTIST. Hello!

3D Available on Current TV

By Harris DeckerConans No. 1 Fan

After a long bitter battle betweenNBC, Jay Leno and Conan OBrienresulted in Leno returning to TheTonight Show, OBrien beingkicked to the curb and NBC takingall of the heat, it seems as if thingsmightnally be returning to normalat the network.

Despite huge ratings, NBC hasdecided to move Leno back intohis 10 oclock time slot and willreinstate OBrien as host of TheTonight Show. The move cameafter NBC realized that if they didntresign OBrien, he would likely go to

a rival network. Ironically, the sameproblem presented itself originallywhen Leno was set to retire from

NBC. Another factor in bringingOBrien back was the emptinessof the time slot left vacant by Leno.

The decision had to be madeJeff Zucker, NBCs Presidentsaid, we would either bring backFriends ER and Seinfeld or

bring OBrien back to NBC. Thereis no room for error this time. Bring-ing back the classic lineup of NBCshows was our original plan but thenwe saw Jennifer Aniston in TheBounty Hunter and rethought ouroptions. The choice was obvious.We are bringing Conan back to latenight, on NBC.

OBrien has contacted Leno to askwhat it is like replacing someoneagainst their will. Also in consul-tation for OBrien is Brett Favre.The long time Green Bay Packerwho returned to football to play forthe rival Minnesota Vikings is nostranger to come backs. His numer-ous head injuries prevented Favrefrom being a huge help to OBrien

but he did advise that he would mostlikely get booed when he returnedto Green Bay. Noticeably confused,OBrien thanked Favre for his help.

In his time away from late night,OBrien has taken up a Twitteraccount as a way to pass the time,

OBrien Returning To NBC,

Consulting Leno, Favre For Advice

often acting out various elements of

his late night career in his backyard.We asked OBrien about his deci-sion to return to NBC. The onlyoffers on the table were from NBCand Fox. Fox wanted me to step inand replace Kiefer Sutherland on24. I thought that my personalitywould t perfectly into the dramaseries but just days after the offer,they pulled the plug on the showaltogether. That left NBC.

A clearly annoyed OBrien willundoubtedly spend weeks trashing

NBC before settling back into hiscomfort zone behind the desk ofThe Tonight Show. As for Leno,he is once again 10 oclock bound

and is excited about another shot

at primetime. The only reason Ithought it would fail the rst timeis because NBC did not promote thenew time slot enough Leno said.This time they have promised methat efforts will be doubled in gettingthe word out about my new show at10 oclock on NBC.

Either way, NBC is hopping intheir Hot Tub Time Machine andturning the clock back to June of2009 when OBrien rst took overThe Tonight Show from Leno.Only time will tell if this next stepfor the network will work but Zuckerstated we expect the hippies to re-turn to watch OBrien in late night.

Breaking News:Norwhals Sunk Titanic,

Icebergs Falsely Accused

ERICA CLAYTON

Icebergs are no longer to blame for the sinking of the Titanic,

Scientists discovered that the real cause was Norwhals.The damage to the hull of the ship was not caused by theIceberg but by the Norwhal horns.

COURTESY OF TWITCHFILM.NET

Conan OBrien is replacing Jay Leno on The Tonight Show.


5/8

the misinformer believable for a secondbelievable for a second April 1, 2010 page 5

By Erica ClaytonProfessional Monster

After canceling two of her

Connecticut Monster Ball perfor-mances, Lady Gaga has decided tocome back to the area in the spring.University of Hartford students will

be excited to hear that they will beable to attend the performance forfree, thanks to the Campus Activi-ties Team.

In a press release issued earlierthis week by CAT, Headline En-tertainment, Gagas booking agent,contacted CAT and offered 300tickets to distribute to Universitystudents. Tickets were given toother universities and colleges inthe state, like UConn, FaireldUniversity and Trinity, too.

The Informer was unable to con-tact Gaga for a comment, but her

publicist said, She is very excitedto be back because she missed hermonsters. When asked about thetheme of the show, Gagas publicistreplied, Just dont expect anythingyouve already seen. Each perfor-mance is a different set entirely.Shes crazy!

This time around, Gaga will beperforming on May 1 in Hartfordat the XL Center, located at 1 CivicCenter Plaza. Directions to the ven-ue can be found at www.xlcenter.com. The doors open at 6 p.m. andthe concert begins at 7. Gaga will

perform, after a few opening acts,for about 2 hours. Her out-of-this-world live performances are world

renowned for their extravagance,athletics, choreography and songs.So when will students be able

to pick up their free tickets? CATwill have tickets available in theirofce, located on the rst oor ofthe Gengras Student Union begin-ning at 1:30 p.m. on April 2. Tickets

will be distributed first-come-rst-serve and cannot be reservedahead of time by any member ofthe student body.

Students will only be able toobtain one ticket each for the

event; tickets will be distributed inenvelopes. To make this event iseven more exciting, two envelopeswill have all-access passes to the

backstage area, green room andafter party with the Queen of Pop

herself, Lady Gaga.CAT is expecting the tickets to go

at an alarming rate and is encourag-ing students to line up as early as11:30 a.m. for the 1:30 distribution.

Remember: Thats FREE Lady

Hundreds of Free Tix Available for Gaga Concert

Gaga tickets, Friday, April 2, at1:30 p.m. outside of the CAT of-ce in GSU. Maybe you will evenwin the backstage passes. Goodluck, you will be sure to see thisreporter in line.

Lady Gaga tickets are being given away by the Campus Activities Team on Friday, April 2 at its of

ce in Gengras Student Union.

John Mayer revealed he is gay this week, surprising many with this unexpected news.

John Mayer Also Livin La Vida Loca, Comes OutBy Andy SwetzThe Indie Connoisseur

Internationally renowned main-stream pop artist John Mayer hasofcially announced that he is a

homosexual during an on air in-terview at VH1 this past Saturday.Grammy Award winning artist,Mayer explained that ever sincehe could remember he always feltlike the outcast around his peersand that he never quite knew thereason why until now.

Shocking the world with thishuge news it was quite appar-ent immediately preceding theinterview what way fans wouldlean regarding the superstarsannouncement. Lighting up the In-ternet and spreading like a wildre,#JohnMayerisGay quickly becamethe number one Twitter trend.Fans seemed to be embracing and

celebrating Mayers statement asif it was expected.Without a doubt one of the greatest

guitarist of our generation, Mayercommented saying that his sexual

preference and tendencies had beenthe subject of previous songs andalbums.

Ive always been a bit on theedge when it came to announcing tothe world that I am a gay man. Ive

joked about it before but the truth isthat Your Body Is a Wonderland,myrst single, was actually writtenfor a man, John Mayer stated in theVH1 interview.

In Mayers most recent release,Battle Studies, he reveals that the

entire album is dedicated to livinglife as an oppressed homosexual.Although the media latched ontothe idea that the album was Mayersresponse to his most recent breakupwith Jennifer Aniston, Mayer him-

self claried the actual purpose ofthe album. Battle Studies is myway of trying to express the innerme to my fans.

I want people to know the realme; the way I act in public andon TV is a complete front for mynervousness about my situation. Mycoming out is the war of my life,Mayer expressed as he fought backtears. Taking off his tough guy laid

back disguise, John Mayer nowseeks to live a life where he can beopen and free.

Forcing the media and fans alike todig back into the archives to searchfor evidence of Mayers initial signsof his inner real self, Mayers entire

career is now under a microscope.Music analyst and historians arecalling for a total remolding ofMayers style, career and music.

A man who was once criticizedfor being an overly cocky celebrityis now taking a new shape as hereceives sympathy from even themost avid bashers of his lifestyle.John Mayer has always been amystery and I think the media cannow make sense of his unique wayof approaching his audience.

A free spirit regardless, Mayercan now express himself without

being wrongfully accused, saidJann S. Wenner Editor-in-Chiefof Rolling Stone magazine.

COURTESY OF REMIX.VG

COURTESY OF FOTOURMAGAZINE.COM


6/8

the misinformer lies, lies and more lieslies, lies and more lies April 1, 2010page 6

By Melissa OBrienGeneral

With registration for fall semes-ter quickly approaching, there issome information that is vital forstudents to know when constructing

their schedules. The administrationannounced this week that generaleducation classes would no longer

be required to graduate. Normally astudents schedule consists of one-third major requirements, one-thirdgeneral education and the last thirdis electives or classes for minors orsecond majors.

President Walter Harrison said,Due to the current economicclimate, we felt that it was moreimportant for students to takemore classes within theireld ofstudy. Many students are nowgoing to graduate school in orderto obtain the degrees they need fortheir desired career, by increasingthe workload within the major,

that will no longer be necessary.Provost Lynn Pasquerella said,Upon graduation our students willhave more experience within theirdesired eld. Along with morerequirements within a studentsspecied major, every student willhave internship opportunities toobtain real world experience.

Evan Casey, a senior psychologymajor said, I wish this was enactedearlier. It would have been muchmore benecial to me to have aninternship or multiple internshipswithin theeld than taking the gen-eral education requirements. Theywont help me get a job. Manystudents echoed Caseys sentiment.

They felt that some of the generaleducation classes were a waste oftime, especially with their desiredeld of study.

Included in the general educa-tion requirements are the dreadedAll-University Curriculum (AUC)courses. Gina Milano, a juniorcommunication major said, I dontsee the point of AUCs! Either theyare way too easy or way too hard;there is no happy medium. Theycan stress you out more than yourcore courses. Thats not right. I amso happy that I dont have to take

another one.Tom Marist, a freshman Phys-

ics major, is also happy about thischange. Marist said, I put so mucheffort and energy into all of myclasses last semester, including thetwo AUCs I took. Then I found outthat they dont matter for my majorand are just a requirement to gradu-ate. I got upset because I workedso hard, too hard for the 100 levelAUCs that I had to take.

The faculty was divided on thisadministrative decision. Dr. JaniceYoung, a professor of Italian Renais-sance said, I liked teaching the AUCcourse because it gave me the oppor-tunity to explore different topics andideas that are covered in traditionalcourse work. Dr. Bryan Henderson,

a professor of mathematics was happyabout this change. Henderson said,The AUC course was a waste of mytime. The students didnt want to bethere and neither did I. They didntlike to be forced to take the class andI felt that my time would have been

better spent in a class that studentsvoluntarily signed up for.

Harrison also mentioned that thischange would save the universitymoney and that tuition would notgo up as much the next school year

because of it. Students now have theability to have more freedom andchoice in their education.

They now have more opportuni-ties to increase the strength of theirresumes and hopefully have more

job offers in the future.

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General Ed. On The Way Out Informer

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By Harris DeckerStupid Club Destroyer

After massive complaints fromstudents, residents and faculty,

the game room in Gengras StudentUnion will be closed for the startof the Fall semester. Originallyintended to give students some-thing to do on the academic sideof campus after hours, the gameroom quickly became a nuisanceto everyone around it.

Students working in Gengras became aggravated with the loudnoise produced by the Dance DanceRevolution machine and othermembers of the faculty grew tiredof the lack of order in the area. ZiaSmoothies was closed for the rsttime this fall and Aramark has toldus that it will re-open in the fall.

The move was a disaster, said

an Aramark representative. Stu-dents wanted to be able to enjoysmoothies and we are in the busi-ness of making money. Studentsfeelings had to be ignored in orderto help us turn a larger prot. This

blatant mistake will fall on theshoulders of Aramark as they payto turn the game room back into aZia outlet.

The game room itself will not

be relocated. Considered by manyresidents to be an extension ofthe commuter lounge, the gameroom became a dirty, smelly partof Gengras that was under utilizedfor its only year in existence. Thecommuter lounge is bad enough,having the game room meant thatstudents were taking over otherareas of Gengras that could be usedfor more important things, saidBarry Hansen, a local commuter.

In recent years, many people havequestioned the commuter lounge,nding that it serves a very small

portion of the community whiletaking up more space than any othersingle organization in the student

union. For now, their X-Box 360,at screen televisions and largeunder washed couches are safe, butthe administration have promiseda full investigation into the usesof the area.

With Zia moving back to its origi-nal location in Gengras, there wasspeculation that Taco Bell wouldmove back from the Village Market.Aramark failed to comment on the

state of Taco Bell only saying that itsfood is more unhealthy than ever.

The games located in the gameroom will be used for a number of

projects around campus. The DDRmachine will be installed in The HarttSchool to help teach modern dance toclasses on a broader scale. The ping-

pong table will be relocated to theVillage Lawn, acting as the ofcial

beer pong table during Spring Fling.The Golden Tea golf video game

will be placed in the Campus Ac-tivities Team ofces. It was deemedto be in bad enough condition thatno one else wanted it and it fell tothe most loathed group on campus.Finally, the couches and video game

systems will be donated to the localHartford community. It was the bestthing this educational institute couldgive back to the surrounding areas.

Students rejoice. The game roomwill be gone forever. The stench,

the loud noise and the unfriendlyatmosphere will all be gone. Mostexcited for the change are the em-

ployees responsible for guarding

the closet inside the game room.Aramark said those students

will be let go and are now ableto return to their families.

Game Room Failed To Draw Crowds, Zia Reopens

JEREMY STANLEY

Howies Hangout will close permanently after this semester.


7/8

the misinformer believable for a secondbelievable for a second April 1, 2010 page 7

By Sarah WilsonApropos

Fans may have to risk beating fel-low concert-goers to the ground ifthey want tickets to a show in thisyears Dave Matthews Band tour. Thecritically acclaimed band announcedTuesday that headlining the annual

Bonaroo music festival will be theirlast performance before going theirseparate ways after an extensive andtriumphant 20 years.

The band did not cite the reasons fortheir split rather than expressing theyhave hit a bump in the road. The pastcouple years have been really toughon all of ussome hurdles are just toohigh to jump, and in this case, 2 yearsof digression in our ability to work asa team means its time we start think-ing about our careers as individuals,Matthews said.

However, according to TMZ.com,Matthews under-wraps love affairwith drummer Carter Beaufords wifeduring the recording of Big Whiskyand the GrooGrux King led to the

ultimate demise of the bands rela-tionship. Its even rumored that BigWhisky is a not-so-subtle reference tothe night the affair started, GrooGruxKing being a term of endearment toMatthews due to his performance inthe bedroom. That being said, whenthe personal life leaves the bedroomand enters business, its hard to denythat there would not be any conict.

As a result of this breakup, ticketprices have skyrocketed, but the hun-dreds of thousands of party hungryteens and adults alike looking to haveone last good, good time arent de-ferred by the high price tag.

As the shows are rapidly becom-ing sold out, fans are willing to dishout more than just their hard earnedcash for a glimpse of what will bethe grandest of all nales. MelissaVisini, sophomore at the Universityof Hartford, confessed that shesacriced next semesters tuition inorder to pay for the already sold out

show in New York this coming July.You have to give a little to geta little, and in this case a little was24,000 dollars, but Daves not goingwait around for me to get a bach-elors degree now is he, Visini said.

But a couple grand for the nose- bleeds is nothing compared tothe extremes others are going to.Searching the three simple lettersDMB on Craigs List will yield a

plethora of apparently devout fansthat will do anything to get theirhands on a ticket more valuable thanthat of Willey Wonkas.

One frenzied female from Utahwho evidently couldnt come upwith the cash used the website to of-

fer her body in exchange for a ticketto the performance nearest her.Several offers have been made, butaccording to the Salt Lake Tribuneauthorities are currently looking intothe situation and pursuing an arrestfor prostitution.

There hasnt been any word asto whether Matthews or any of his

band mates plan on pursuing soloprojects, but in the mean time, ticketholders watch your backs because

people will kill, and quite possiblyliterally, to experience the lastsweet, sweet sounds of the DMB

phenomenon.

Dave Matthews Band Splits After 20 Years

OUTSIDETHELOOPRADIO.COM

By Danielle HuppkeWrites About Ancient Porn Moguls

Hollywood is mourning the pass-

ing of the legendary Hugh Hefner,founder of the Playboy enterprises,after his untimely death at the mereage of 83.

Ambulances arrived at Hefners Bev-erly Hills mansion at around 9:30 p.m.Tuesday evening. They were greeted

by dozens of hysterical playmates andone very freaked out Holly Madison,who was noted to be engaging in sexualactivities with the aging entrepreneur atthe time of his death.

A key component in his demise wasthe abundance of Viagra found in his

blood stream. It lead to an erectionthat lasted for several hours, Madisonwas trying to relieve his discomfort butinstead triggered sudden cardiac arrest.

Hefner met up with Madison at his

birthday party in Las Vegas, and theformer lovers were unable to keep theirhands off of each other. Madison, who isrefusing to make a statement, is currentlystaring in Las Vegas hottest new showPeepshow.

His long time friend and formerlover, Kendra Wilkinson spoke ofhis passing on Entertainment Tonightseveral hours after hearing the devas-tating news, That man changed mylife, he was an inspiration for all ofthe bunnies and he just loved life. Itsa shame hes gone, but at least he leftthe world doing what he does best.

Hundreds of mourners have gath-ered outside of the Playboy mansionleaving owers, cigars and their fa-vorite issues of the magazine. Severalmourners paid homage to Hef bywearing smoking jackets and theirfavorite gaudy bunny apparel.

The funeral is scheduled for latenext week; in the meantime, hisstaff is preparing the many wisheshe left in his will. Hefs personalassistant explained Hugh wantedto go out in style, and keeping withthat wish, were throwing him an

angle and devil themed party sothat people can come mourn butalso get crunk at the same time.

Hefs famed Playboy enter-prises will be taken over by thevery capable Bridget Marquardt,Hefs former girlfriend, who has

no skill in business but accordingto Hefner looks great in the bunnycostume. All kidding aside, shes

planning great things for the corpo-ration and we will indeed be seeingthe legend of the bunny continuefor many years to come.

As the candles lining Hefs staron Hollywood Boulevard indicate,he was loved by many and thistragic loss will linger in the air ofHollywood for a long time to come.

Hugh Hefner was one of a kind andwill be dearly missed by millions.

Playboy Founder Died Doing What He Loved

SALTWATERHIGH.FILES.WORDPRESS.COM


8/8

SportsVolume 33, Issue 20 www.hartfordinformer.com/sports April 1, 2010

The MisInformer

By Andy SwetzThe Great Indie One

The most decorated athlete in allof hockey who remains only one oftwo players with a retired number in awhole league of professional Americansports, the Great One, Wayne Gretzky,is breaking his ten-year retirement toreturn to the National Hockey League.With the rumor conrmed by the NHLand rippling through the media, current

players, as well as fans, are thrilledand excited for the return of one of thegreatest men to step on the ice.

Since leaving the league in 1999and skating hisnal game at MadisonSquare Garden as a New York Ranger,Gretzky has decided to come out ofretirement to redene his legacy.

When asked why the suddendecision Gretzky reected, Since

being red as head coach of thePhoenix Coyotes last year and cur-rently out of a job, I thought whynot reenter the post lockout leagueand shine again. Playing this gameis the greatest calling in the worldand Id love for another chance toheed the call.

Currently 49 years old, it wouldntbe too much of a stretch for Gretzkyto be considered young enough to bean impact player. Next to 48-year-old Chris Chelios of the AtlantaThrashers, Gretzky would be theoldest active player in the league.

The NHL announced on Mondaythat they would lift the ban on the leaguewide retired number 99. Anxious to hitthe ice again, it is still unclear whichteam will acquire the Great One oncehis reentry becomes ofcial. Manysources say that he will likely return tothe team he made a name for himselfwith and lifted to four Stanley cups asa member of, the Edmonton Oilers. Ifacquired by Edmonton, Gretzky will

face the challenge of joining theworst team in the league.

With the talk of Gretzkys return,the NHL is making its way backinto the headlines and gaining moreand more popularity. Although theleague currently has eye catchingstandout players with Alex Ovech-kin and Sidney Crosby, analysts

project viewing numbers and ticketsales to skyrocket with the Great Onessecond wind.

The estimated amounts of peoplewho tune into the Stanley cup nalsurpass the amount of people whowill tune into the Super Bowl an-nually. Thanks to Wayne Gretzky,hockey in America will grow faster

than any other sport.In preparation for Gretzkys return,

regardless of where he will be playinghisrst game back for the upcoming2010-2011 season, Canadian PrimeMinister Stephen Harper has declareda national holiday for the big game,encouraging Canadians to tune in.

Gretzky recently addressed ESPN

with the anticipation of his return, Ifeel honored to be given the chanceto play again. When I play, I soak inthe environment and my surround-ings. I play for the fans, the thrill,my family, my friends and the spiritof the greatest game ever played. Iwill try my best to shine and shedlight on an amazing game, hockey.

The Great One To Return To The Hockey Rink

COURTESY OF WIKIPEDIA.ORG

COURTESY OF WIKIPEDIA.ORG

By Harris DeckerPaid in Fantasy Money

Amidst rising contracts, out of con-trol salaries and a larger divide betweensmall market and large market teams,Bud Selig announced today that asalary cap would be in place for the2011 season. Starting in April of 2011,teams will be required to have a payrollthat does not exceed $160 million. In2012, that number will drop to $140million before coming to a rest in 2013at $120 million.

That $120 million salary cap will bethe target and will continue past the2013 season.

Some teams such as the MinnesotaTwins and Tampa Bay Rays currentlyhave a payroll half that of the salary capwhile the New York Yankees, BostonRed Sox and Philadelphia Phillies haveclose to double that amount in payroll.

In a statement to The Informer, Seligsaid, Over the next few seasons, wewill begin lowering the amount so thatteams such as the Yankees and RedSox can begin a plan to reduce theircurrent contracts. With this plan nowin place, the players union will haveto decide weather a strike is in order.

Players want to make money butthere has to be some exibility. Fami-lies in large markets simply cant affordto come to the ballpark anymore saidSelig in regards to the players union.

This plan, introduced by Selig,comes with some major support from

retired and veteran baseball players.New York Yankees shortstop DerekJeter thinks that the salary cap willmake the leagues more competi-tive. One of the largest players inthis debate was former Baltimore

Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken Jr.The widely respected Ripken part-

nered with Selig in the interest ofconvincing players that this move isthe right one for the game of baseball.

Other endorsers of the salary cap are

Texas Rangers owner Nolan Ryanand long time veterans Ken GriffeyJr. and Tom Glavine.

The main opponent in the debateis New York Yankees owner GeorgeSteinbrenner and his general man-

ager Brian Cashman. The richestfranchise in sports history has been

known to purchase the players theyneed to win from free agency andwon the 2009 World Series with thehighest payroll ever on record for a

baseball team.Steinbrenner said, Just because

we have money we are being pun-ished. Weve paid a luxury tax to the

poor teams over the past few seasonsand this move is just another in theviscous cycle against the rich.

If I want to buy a player weneed, I have that right. When askedabout his own players commentsin support of the salary cap he said,They think baseball will be morecompetitive, more fun with a cap.Ill tell you what, winning is whatmakes it fun and with money youcan win. Without it you cant.

With or without Steinbrennerand the Yankees support, othergeneral managers in large marketteams have embraced the ideasuch as Theo Epstein of the Bos-ton Red Sox and Omar Minayaof the New York Mets.

The deal will move forward withhuge support from these huge play-ers in Major League Baseball. Wereached out to the players union butthey did not return our phone calls.

It is obvious that they are nothappy with Seligs decision. Onething is for sure; baseball willnever be the same.

Salary Cap Among Changes to MLB Rulebook

Alex Rodriguez will certainly be effected by the institution of the salary cap in the MLB.

hartford misinformer (april fools' 2010)

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