Arts & Entertainment Students look like

celebrities.

Turn to page 53 for details.

Sports

Chicago Cubs win World

Series.

Turn to page

for 8192 details.

Review Editor’s skills receive

stellar reviews.

Turn to page -3.

April Fool’sVolume 00000, Issue

A traditionTHE

THANCNorth Cobb High School

Some highway in some town in some part of GA/ 770-975-6685 Ext. 1610

Listen Up!

Inside These Walls

Twizards receive Hogwarts

acceptance letter

Turn to page 95 for details.

Outside These Walls Monsanto poisons

crop. Again.

Turn to page 11.

http://www.facebook.com/NCHSNewspaperTheChant http://twitter.com/NCHSNewspaper @thechant

by Emily Jones

fEatHer’s Fly AboVe SEwEll STaDiumRowdy Warriors declare pillow warfare

Pillow-fighters swat Dr. Page.

As students scramble WR� VZLQJ� WKHLU� ÁXHVW� VOHHS�FXVKLRQV�� ���� SLOORZ� ÀJKWHUV�raided the Emory Sewell sta-dium on April 1.

Created by senior march-ing band members, football players, and cheerleaders, the SLOORZ� ÀJKW� Á\HUV� FOXWWHUHG�the hallways the week before spring break. Evidently, un-

derclassmen accompanied the savage seniors on April 1. The Á\HU� UHDG�� DPELJXRXVO\� DQG�curiously, “April 1. Midday. Football Field. Bring REAL Feather Pillow.”

“I knew nothing about the plans until my friend hauled PH�WR�WKH�ÀHOG��/HW�PH�WHOO�\RX��I looked pretty suspicious as I carried my pillow around for

who knows why. Whatever. I cannot even explain how fun-ny the entire experience was,” junior Isabelle Martinez said.

Students piled in around 11:30 with cheap IKEA pillows in shopping carts for those who forgot their necessary weapons. Without strict rules RU� UHJXODWLRQV�� WKH� ÀJKW� ZDV�not conducted, orchestrated,

RU�LJQLWHG�E\�DQ\�VSHFLÀF�OHDG-er. Senior Chad McClannahan PDGH�WKH�ÀUVW�VZLQJ�DW�VHQLRU�Brittany Bagwell.

“I was so mad that he hit me! I mean come on. He’s a baseball player. It hurt,” Bag-well said.

Thus the battle began. 600 NC students swung, hit, and bolted across yard lines as the

ÀJKW� HVFDODWHG�� :LWK� HVFDOD-tion, repercussion follows. The ÀYH�GROODU�VOHHS�FXVKLRQV�UXS-WXUHG�DQG�WKH�IHDWKHUV�ÁHZ����feet above the pillow barrage. The students danced and con-tinued to swing at one another as junior Jake Miller turned on the speakers in the press box and plugged in his iPod.

As the swinging motions created a thick whirlwind of feathers ascending past the stadium lights, neighbors called the Cobb County Smoke Violation Association (CCS-VA) to report the “thick white smoke” near the school.

Meanwhile, principal Dr. Page could not stop the pillow ÀJKW�NLFNRͿ�QRU�WKH�HVFDODWLRQ�of the pillow melee because he UHPDLQHG� VWXFN� LQ� WUDF� RQ�Highway 41.

“When I got there, the CC-SVA was already there but had no way to get in. The students made a blockade of AP text-ERRNV�DW� WKH�ÀHOG�JDWH�� ,W�ZDV�insane,” Dr. Page said.

Around two o’clock, the CCSVA, the Georgia State Government Air National Guard, and Cobb County Po-lice broke down the 10 text-books wide by 40 textbooks tall wall. The students, ig-noring the intercom pleas from the National Guard, still swung and laughed at their ÁXͿ\�IUDFDV��

2FLDOV� LQWHUURJDWHG� VWX-dents after the hullabaloo, but after questioning, the pillow-ÀJKW� SDUWLFLSDWRUV� UHFHLYHG�just one punishment: clean up the turf.

KINDA

The following publication is for humorous and satirical pur-poses only. Any resemblances to current events, students, or adminstration are purely intended for humorous purposes. &RYHUDJH�LV�FRPSOHWHO\�ÀFWLRQDO�DQG�LQFOXGHV�IDOVH�TXRWHV�and story topics Reader discretion is advised. Take a joke. YOLO

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Cobb County Schools has sadly decided to remove the delicious snacks from the vending machines students love and as expected, the new legislation surprisingly takes a toll on the treats, not just the students.

“This ain’t cool, dude. I’m pretty sketched out about moving somewhere else, man. One minute I’m just trying to keep it cheesy in the back of the machine, and the next minute, I hear rumors about leaving to go to some other school? No way this is going down,” Chester the Cheetah said.

People fail to realize that snacks express feelings and emotions

too. Once in a comfortable machine, some tasty goodies refuse to leave their home. Snacks called machine 00188352774 KRPH�VLQFH� WKHLU�ÀUVW�GD\�RXW�RI�the factory.

While asking a The Family Vending Company employee how he feels about the sensitive topic while restocking the machines, he replied, “What are you even talking about, kid?”

Some snacks want to escape more than anything. Sour Patch Kids create an example of a pack GLYLGHG�DQG�SHUVLVW�LQ�WKHLU�HͿRUWV�to leave their solitary machine.

“This is madness! My boy Red wanted to escape with his boys Mike and Ike years ago. I just don’t get it. Like Red, this isn’t Shawshank. Quit trying to escape, man! We saw our boy Andy the Animal Cracker do it with the help of Rita the Rhino, but it doesn’t mean you can,” Green Sour Patch Kid said.

Red sees himself as an outsider. He believes that he belongs on the other side of the glass.

“I’m just trying to get some air. I’ve been locked up in here for like 8 years. The things I see in here really make my sugar sticky. Too frightening for a redskin like me. But I feel their pain. They’re like my man Brooks who can’t even deal with the outside world. They’ll end up half an inch under the ground in no time,” Red, the Sour Patch Kid, said.

Some snacks cannot wait until next school year. Others fear the day the students of 1RUWK�&REE�ÀQDOO\�HDW�healthily.

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Jordan Grubb Photo Editor

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT PAGE EDITORSEmily Jones Adam Kovel and Carli TroutmanCOPY EDITOR SPORTS PAGE EDITORS Hannah Gleason Cameron Hines and Chris DeGirolamoPHOTO EDITOR INSIDE THESE WALLS PAGE EDITORJordan Grubb Alicia BushAD MANAGER OUTSIDE THESE WALLS PADE EDITOR Carli Troutman Tyler SesanPUBLIC RELATIONS MANAGER PHOTO SPECIALISTSSarah Sutley Alex O’Brien and Judy StubblefieldFRONT PAGE EDITOR STAFF AND SPORTS WRITERSEmily Jones Kayley Rapp, Nicolette Lartigue, and Makayla BrimmageOPINION PAGE EDITOR BACKPAGE EDITOREmily Jones Emily JonesREVIEW PAGE EDITOR ADVISER Hannah Gleason Ms. Lindsay Kovel

�7KH�&KDQW�LV�D�VWXGHQW�RUJDQL]HG�DQG�SXEOLVKHG�SDSHU��ZKLFK�VHUYHV�WKH�1RUWK�&REE�DUHD�DQG�VXUURXQGLQJ�FRPPXQLWLHV��7KH�&KDQW�PDNHV�LWV�UHDGHUV�D�ÀUVW�SULRULW\��6WXGHQW�FRPPHQWV��HGLWRULDOV��OHWWHUV�WR�WKH�HGL�WRU��DQG�DQ\�VXJJHVWLRQV�DUH�HQFRXUDJHG��7KHVH�PD\�EH�SODFHG�LQ�0V��.RYHO·V�PDLOER[�LQ�WKH�VWDͿ�PDLOURRP��WDNHQ�WR�5RRP������RU�HPDLOHG�WR�FKDQWFRPPHQWV#JPDLO�FRP��(GLWRULDOV�DUH�QRW�WKH�RSLQLRQ�RI�WKH�HQWLUH��VWDͿ�RU�WKH�DGYVLHU��$Q�HGLWRULDO�LV�RQO\�WKH�RSLQLRQ�RI�WKH�ZULWHU�ZKR�KDV�ZULWWHQ�LW��7KH�&KDQW�UHVHUYHV�DOO�ULJKWV�IRU�PDNLQJ�FRUUHFWLRQV�ZKHWKHU�JUDPPDWLFDO��FRQWHQW��RU�WKDW�RI�́ JRRG�WDVWH�IRU�WKH�FRPPXQLW\�µ�)RU��DGYHUWLVLQJ�LQIRUPDWLRQ��ZULWH�7KH�&KDQW�F�R�1RUWK�&REE�+LJK�6FKRRO�������+LJKZD\�����1RUWK�.HQQHVDZ��*$��������FDOO���������������H[W�������RU�HPDLO�QRUWKFREEFKDQW#JPDLO�FRP���WKH�1RUWK�&REE�DUHD�DQG��VXUURXQGLQJ�FRPPXQLWLHV��The Chant�PDNHV�LWV�UHDGHUV�D�ÀUVW�SULRULW\��6WXGHQW�FRPPHQWV��HGLWRULDOV��OHWWHUV�WR�WKH�HGLWRU��DQG�DQ\�VXJJHV-WLRQV�DUH�HQFRXUDJHG��7KHVH�PD\�EH�SODFHG�LQ�0V��.RYHO·V�PDLOER[�LQ�WKH�VWDͿ��PDLOURRP��WDNHQ�WR�5RRP������RU�HPDLOHG�WR�FKDQWFRPPHQWV#JPDLO�FRP��(GLWRULDOV�DUH�QRW�WKH�RSLQLRQ�RI�WKH�HQWLUH�VWDͿ�or the advsier. An editorial is only the opinion of the writer who has written it. The Chant reserves all rights for making corrections whether grammatical, content, or that of “good taste for the com-munity.” For advertising information, write The Chant�F�R�1RUWK�&REE�+LJK�6FKRRO�������+LJKZD\�����1RUWK�.HQ���QHVDZ��*$��������FDOO���������������H[W�������RU�HPDLO�QRUWKFREEFKDQW#JPDLO�FRP��

SCHOOL STATSNUMBER OF STUDENTS:2,758MAGNET SCHOOL—INTERNATIONAL STUDIES PROGRAM (ISP)NUMBER OF ISP STUDENTS: APPROXIMATELY 500NUMBER OF FACULTY MEMBERS:2236,000 VIEWS PER MONTHViewed in 32 different countriesCurrently the only school in Cobb County with an online newspaper

THE CHANT

Vending machines snack express distressNew school food restrictions hit treats hardest

Chris DeGiralamo Page Editor

As if teenage girls had enough opinions16-year-old expresses love, life, and other stuff

As a teenage girl, I reap many EHQHÀWV� DQG� VLGH� HͿHFWV�� :LWK�way too many emotions, I at-

ugly ones.I kind of like my life as a teen-

ager, though— only if you put DVLGH� WU\LQJ� WR� ÀJXUH� RXW� ZKR�I even am and worrying about grades and what people think DERXW�PH� DQG� VWXͿ�� � ,I� \RX� SXW�that aside, it’s all pretty stellar. I have so much time on my hands, but so much homework. Like, I just want to do my nails, or just go shopping, you know? I do not even really care about school. Honestly, I just enjoy seeing all my IULHQGV� DQG� VWXͿ�� ,� KDWH� EHLQJ� D�teenager.

I feel sad cause my life does not play out like a movie. Like where the heck is my prince charming? See, there I go again. Back on the topic of boys. High school boys are mega gross though. They seem like children most of the time. As if you would catch me dating one of “them.” Some of “them,” however, are pretty cute. Some are total dream-boats.

I love not having a care in the world, because I am a teenager

and I totally do not have a fam-ily or anything. I do not have to care about anything! But I care so much about so many things! I just might explode!

I love being spontaneous with my friends. We can do what-ever we want, which usually means go getting food or spend-

ing my daddy’s money on the ODWHVW�WUHQGV��,�DP�WRWDOO\�ÀQH�ZLWK�that! I love how I can just talk to my friends forever and ever and ever. It is so rad. We do talk about boys. A lot.

Being a teen sometimes seems okay. I love being a teen-ager. I kinda hate it, too.

tack the day feeling so much, so intensely. I guess I enjoy it because I can extremely enjoy things. Then I can be extremely sad and can super feel guilty and all the bad things one may feel. Like once, I was talking about this girl Jackie’s pants, ‘cause they were soo 2003… but she heard me and I felt super bad.

Boys are a subject that makes my emo-tions go crazy. Round and round again in circles around each other. I always ask to myself, “Does he like me,” “Will he ever text me back?”…Does my hair smell bad?” They make me sad, but, like, mega happy at the same time. Oh, boys. A bunch of dreamboats, they are.

Well, except for, you know, the

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The Turn Up/April 2014/95

Inside These Walls72/April 2014/The Turn Up

Inside These WallsJazzy administrator hosts boogie-down karaoke party Twins suddenly receive long due Hogwarts letter NC staff boards soul train Twizards receive coupon at Ollivander’s: two for one purchase

Shelby and Sydney Hus-band, juniors at NC, received an unexpected acceptance letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on April 1.

“I have known the twins for years, but I would never have guessed they were se-cretly wizards. They probably do not know either,” senior Sharlande Nichols said.

The Husbands received the greatest surprise ever an-ticipated. After six long years RI� ZDLWLQJ�� WKH� WZLQV� ÀQDOO\�received their Hogwarts ac-ceptance letter. The letter in-cluded an explanation for the long wait, a school supplies list, and directions to the near-est train station.

“We always knew there was something strange about the two of us, but we always assumed it was an-other one of those ‘twins’ things,” Sydney said.

Young wizards normally receive their acceptance let-ters when they reach age 11.

After the Battle of Hogwarts, however, most records listing muggle-born wizards (wiz-ards born from non-magical parents) had disappeared or KDG� EXUQHG� LQ� D� ÀUH�� 0RUH�muggle-born wizards, like the Husbands, should expect their lost letters soon.

´,·P� JODG� WKH� OHWWHU� À-nally got to us. We are ex-tremely excited about start-ing Hogwarts next year. It will be a huge change, but we are ready for the challenge. I cannot wait to try Qudditch out,” Shelby said.

During spring break, the Husband twins will start plan-ning for enrollment at Hog-warts. Their supply list-which includes wands, magic books, and pet owls- accompanies a map to Diagon Alley. This al-leyway features many shops that distribute magic equip-ment and supplies in Lon-GRQ��(QJODQG��0DQ\�PXJJOHV�will recognize Diagon Alley IURP� +DUU\� 3RWWHU·V� ÀUVW� H[-SORUDWLRQ�GXULQJ�KLV�ÀUVW�\HDU��

0DQ\� PHPRUD-ble shops, such as Ollivander’s Wand Shop, Flourish and Blotts, Quality Quidditch Sup-plies, and Wea-sleys’ Wizard Wheezes, exist on Diagon Alley.

T h e i r mother, Jan H u s b a n d , claims her d a u g h t e r s always pos-sessed special talents, and she looks for-ward to seeing their new abil-ities flourish.

“ T h e y ’ l l perform ex-tremely well at Hogwarts. They are smart JLUOV�� 0\� RQO\�request is no cats! We can get a pet owl but I draw the line

at cats,” 9th English teacher 0V��+XVEDQG��VDLG��

Shelby and Sydney, with

by Rayley Kapp

wands at the ready, begin their witchcraft and wizardry train-ing September 1, 2015.

Insensitive Budget Cuts Plague NC

Little Einsteins enroll in preparation AP coursesBaby brains absorb superior knowledge

To initiate bonding be-tween staff members and relieve hard-working teach-ers, exuberant administra-WRU�0U��%URZQ�KRVWHG�D�VXU-prise karaoke party in his office on April 1.

“I was walking down the hall, on my way to lunch, when all of the sudden, I heard some loud music and some pretty bad singing com-LQJ� IURP�0U�� %URZQ·V� RFH�µ�senior Julia Deanna said.

as they passed Brown’s of-fice. Some even knocked on the door to see the com-PRWLRQ��0U�� %URZQ� LPPH-diately welcomed them into the office and tem-porary disco dance floor. Inside sources report Dr. Page doing the “Nae-Nae” while singing the words. 0V�� .RYHO� DOVR� PDGH� DQ�appearance at the karaoke party, debuting her hip remix of “Royals.” Song choices included selec-tions from the 90s and cur-rent radio hits.

´,�FRPPHQG�0U��%URZQ�for starting the karaoke party. Us teachers need a break from grading papers and worksheets everyday. This was the perfect oppor-tunity to just let loose and have fun. But I am a little worried about the future of P\� MRE�µ�PDWK� WHDFKHU�0U��Ruth said.

The karaoke party raged on until the county super-intendent appeared. When the superintendent ques-tioned the meaning of the HYHQW��0U�� %URZQ�SURPLVHG�improvements in staff re-lationships because of the party. Regardless, the school district officials remain con-fused. Brown warns that a future dance party remains in the works, but with much quieter music.

Limited bathroom use annoys full-bladdered students

Warrior Nation acknowl-edges the beloved administra-tor’s upbeat personality, but none expected his sing-along shenanigans during the school day. Upon further investiga-tion, only teachers and select VWDͿ�PHPEHUV�UHFHLYHG�LQYLWD-tions to the elite karaoke party. As word spread, students be-gan to join the fun.

´0\� FKHPLVWU\� WHDFKHU�was late to fourth period. She eventually got to class,

but she looked pretty tired. When I talked to my friends, they noticed the same thing about their teachers,” fresh-man Ollie Elijah said.

The karaoke party oc-curred during third period, giving explanation to the re-cord number of last minute VXEVWLWXWH�UHTXHVWV��0U��%URZQ��famous for his split at the bas-ketball halftime show, admit-ted to sending out invitations a week ahead. According to

Brown, he only considered those with “hot dance moves.”

“I arrived at school late the other day. When I was ZDONLQJ�LQ��,�VDZ�0U��%URZQ�holding this big speaker thing that looked kind of like a karaoke machine. He was being really secretive about it,” sophomore Lexi Donahue said.

Students noticed instru-mental songs and random outbursts of off-key singing

0V�� *LQJUDV�� $3�FHUWLÀHG�Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre-Pre AP Early Childhood Education teacher, eagerly awaits test scores from her infant to age four group of preschoolers this spring.

“We have worked incredibly hard to prepare our little tykes for the ‘real world’ as soon as humanly SRVVLEOH�µ�0V��*LQJUDV�VDLG�

*LQJUDV�KRVWV�WXWRULQJ�VHVVLRQV�daily after school with intensive fo-cus on synthesis in writing, pre-pre-pre calculus, linguistic exercises in pre-pre-pre AP Spanish using Dora the Explorer’s newest video series: Don Quixote de la Mancha y Dora, and data collection and methodolo-gy lab reports on the effects of apple juice before nap time.

The early AP students should perform quite well—just in time for their last units in Art History, which includes finger painting through minimalist exposure in tempura paint on white canvas and Pollock’s Patience: a Retrospective.

´0\� FKLOG� ZDV� QDPHG� DIWHU�Joan of Arc, and I expect her prog-ress in pre-school to be demon-strative of our high expectations that she live up to her namesake’s legacy: to be strong, valiant, and most importantly, an excellent and impactful orator. This is precisely the reason why we hired a private tutor to live in our basement and constantly offer her to quiz Joan and help her craft her linguistic tal-ents,” Janet Buckingham, mother to 18-month old Joan, said.

During the summer, the AP baby geniuses will spend six in-tensive weeks participating in

While the recession es-calates, Cobb County forces crisis adapting by cutting ac-cess to school facilities and other necessities.

NC disregards any prod-ucts considered unnecessary, such as bathroom facility use. 6WDͿ�DQG�VWXGHQWV�PXVW�EULQJ�their own toilet paper and can only use the restroom once every three weeks. These new restrictions reduce the month-ly cost for water and toiletries, and to help minimize the cost, hand dryers and paper towels no longer exist in restrooms.

“I haven’t washed my hands in four days. Black slime comes out of the sinks instead of water. This is ridiculous,” VHQLRU�0D[�:DWNLQV�VDLG��

With hopes of reaching HQHUJ\� HFLHQF\�� FDQGOHV�have become a main source of light for every classroom and of-ÀFH�� 7KH� FDQGOHV�have successfully burned people rather than help light pathways. Over the last four days, 10 students have been sent home with severe burns on their arm, legs and faces. The dangerous condi-tions have caused several angry par-ents to visit the school and attack VFKRRO�RFLDOV��

“I know some of the cuts seem very extreme,

but they have benefitted the school’s budget immensely. Our school can handle these minor cuts because in the long run, the money we are saving will help out a lot,” 0V�� 7XUQHU�� ERRNNHHSHU��said.

Reductions caused so much commotion at NC DQG� WKH� LQ� FLW\� RI� .HQ-nesaw that students began hosting mini-riots between class transitions. The riots began because angry stu-dents hate having to hold “it.” Eventually, some stu-dents broke into the pad-locked restrooms to finish “their business.”

NC’s uncertain future sets in as students run wild through the hallways. Stu-GHQWV� DQG� VWDͿ� KROG� KLJK�hopes for campus recovery.

by Tarli Croutmanby Koko Goddess mandatory boost camps targeted

to promote cerebral achievement. Two court-mandated breaks will take place for serving juice, ani-PDO�FUDFNHUV��DQG�RͿHULQJ�SRWW\�breaks to those out of diapers.

0DQ\�SDUHQWV� IHHO� WKDW� WKH�SURJUDP�LQWHQVLÀHV�OHDUQLQJ�H[-pectations for their children, but wish there existed better expo-sure to career opportunities.

“Charles doesn’t even know what he wants to pursue at the collegiate level. When asked this

morning, he told me he wants to EH�D�ÀUHWUXFN��$�ÀUHWUXFN��&DQ�\RX�believe that? I know he is a surre-DOLVW��EXW�FRPH�RQ��*RDOV��&KDUOHV��*RDOV�µ�'DQLHO�:LQVWRQ�,,,��IDWKHU�to Charles, age three, said.

*LQJUDV�FODLPV�WKDW�WKH�FODVV�will distribute surveys testing the children and their mental acuity as well as career aspirations and potential matches via Quizlet survey as the semester wraps up LQ� 0D\�� 7HFKQRORJ\� XVH� UHLJQV�supreme in the class. All children

RI� HYHU\� DJH� DQG� GLͿHUHQWLDWHG�group level possess an iPad, a set of headphones, and participate LQ�*RRJOH�+DQJRXWV�UHJXODUO\�WR�practice Socratic seminars.

´7KH�*RRJOH�+DQJRXWV�UHDOO\�KHOS�KHU�VRFLDOL]H�µ�.HOO\�*DOODJKHU��mother to Pristine, age three, said.

When asked if the children participate in play dates, most SDUHQWV� LQVLVWHG� WKDW� WKH�*RRJOH�Hangouts take the place of tradi-tional play dates with little to no HͿHFW�LQ�VRFLDOL]DWLRQ�LVVXHV��3OD\��

DV� RQH�SDUHQW� UHGHÀQHG� IRU�The Chant, is an outdated concept.

The next move for the course involves the little tykes filming themselves presenting their re-search projects and submitting the film for future use by TED talks.

North Cobb recently re-FHLYHG� WKH� *HRUJLD� $FKLHYHPHQW�Award for Early Childhood Edu-cation Rigor and will celebrate its accomplishments by publish-ing their data in the newest edi-tion of Childhood Genius Monthly.

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by Sarah Sutley

Outside These Walls

11/April 1/The Chant

Obama Alters White House to Turquoise ShadeUS President even dyed First Dog Bo to celebrate Native Roots

by Alex Obrien

President Obama painted the White House turquoise to com-memorate the Native Ameri-cans’ achieve-ments and his-tory on April 1.

“I don’t u n d e r s t a n d what is hap-pening or why he has made this de-cision,” soph-omore Ellen Singer said.

So, what i n s p i r e d this sudden change in hue? Consid-ering the Pil-grims unjust actions to-ward Native A m e r i c a n s hundreds of years ago, the President felt the Presi-dential house should re-ceive a fresh coat of paint in the color that best represents the Native heritage of America. The tur-quoise color represents Na-

tive American culture with the stone that most tribes use in jewelry and ceremonies. Found in many historical

sites created by past civili-zations, turquoise suited the new color of the reputable political house.

The change began at 12:38 p.m. on March 4 when a bystander noticed the President in front of

the White House with a paintbrush and a large can of paint.

“I had no clue what was happening. It seemed that the President wanted desperately to change the color of his residence to become a more vibrant hue,” bystander Dean Collins said.

The sudden change, sparked by the need for more culture in and around the White House, received mixed feedback from the Presiden-WLDO� VWDͿ�� 6RPH� FODLP� WKH�bright color promotes hap-pier feelings and provides an intriguing cultural element to the house, but others ar-gue that the turquoise adds a shocking and unappealing ÁDLU�WR�WKH�KRXVH�

“Although it is a re-freshing change to the pre-vious, bland white, I feel that this color will bring up great controversies in the near future,” White House correspondent Amy Williams said.

No backlash has un-earthed but the new decision appears odd and dishearten-ing for Americans who feel policy changes and more pressing matters abound rather than painting. Native American tribe opinions re-main unknown.

Monsanto Prefers Money Over Communal Prosperity Rural farmers going bankrupt via cereal

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Obama flants his lavish, turqoise palace.

by Tyler Sesan

Agricultural giant Mon-

santo released their newest

strain of genetically modi-

fied corn on April 1.

“We are excited to in-

troduce our newest variety

of corn, which is capable

of producing up to 1,000

patent infringement cases

per growing season,” Mon-

santo spokesman Richard

Gringell said.

Gringell never stopped

smiling throughout the en-

tire questionnaire. He even

went on to mention how the

new cereal grain will propel

the company forward into

making the most money in

the company’s history. Even

though Monsanto’s actions

ult imately rip farmers off

and cause widespread bank-

ruptcy, corn remains the

numero uno priority in their

eyes. As well as making

money, even if subsistence

farmers lose all their money

and cannot afford to grow

their food.

“Moreover, our new vari-

ety can cross-pollinate with

nearby farmers’ crops three

times faster, generating new

targets for legal action much

more efficiently than before.

In fact, just one acre of our

new corn is able to bankrupt

as many family farmers as 10

acres of our previous formu-

la,” Gringell said.

Environments become

contaminated with pol lut-

ants and farmers undergo

bankruptcy. Now, the crops

that current ly bankrupt

farmers s t i l l grow con-

t inue to ruin due to con-

taminat ion. But Monsanto

loves money more than

communal prosperi ty.

However, Monsanto ex-

hibi ts a his tory of l i t iga-

t ions with upset farmers .

“Not only is this new

strain more expensive be-

cause of the strict revenge

Monsanto wants on i ts ru-

ral farmers, but I am also

growing a third eye from

the pesticides. I used to

always lay around in my

flowers and dance through

the daisies, but now I can-

not do my favorite hobbies

without new limbs form-

ing. Stupid Monsanto,”

Rhonda Biggums, Nebras-

ka Cornhusker fan, said.

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Monsanto reigns over defenseless farmers trying to make ends meet.

Chaos Rally For No Reason Ends in Failure Rally ends in peace, but only after each side played dress-up

by Nicolette Lartigue

Local citizens of down-town Atlanta gathered on the busy streets for a Chaos Rally on April.

“When do we want chaos? Yesterday!” rally coordinator Sydney White said.

As early as 5 a.m., people of all ages set out on the busy streets in the Perimeter area. Dress code proved strict. Most wore all black, symbolizing the dark nature. People who partic-ipated brought their pets, such as snakes, bears, and alligators. 7KH�DQLPDOV�RSWHG�IRU�GLͿHUHQW�attire, their fur coats, scales, and

skin varying between bright purple, pink, red, or yellow to resemble “petrifying havoc.”

After two hours of jog-ging and chanting “no peace, we want madness,” people began in chaotic activities in Peachtree. The activities con-sisted of pranks, spray-paint-ing in and on shopping malls, VWUHDNLQJ�� DQG� IRRG�ÀJKWLQJ� LQ�every restaurant.

“I hated all of them. Each and every activity was com-pletely awful. Ha! I’m just kid-ding. They were freaking awe-some!” ten year old rally par-

ticipant Joshua Nickleson said.At the end of the event,

everyone gathered on street corners to voice their opinions. Many listed the reasons why chaos remains an essential part of our society, while others made no sense and rambled gibberish while shaking their ÀVWV�DW�WKH�VN\�

“Chaos is why we are so vibrant. It brings our minds to a sort of calm, but at the same time not so much. It’s our es-cape to be real. So, don’t be fake, vote for Jake,” sophomore Sheyrll Cod said. Even “Anti-Bieber” signs crowded the streets mid rally.

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Arts & Entertainment 53April1/2014/The Chant

Shocking Doppelgangers Take NC by Storm

Regular Column Not

Minus height diffrences, their identical

nose shapes and facial bone structures

make junior Calixte Fequiere and “Duck

Dynasty” star Si Robertson mirror im-

ages of each other.

Cee Lo Green and sophomore Dylan Davis

are almost indistinguishable. Their stark

body structures and round faces create an

undeniable resemblance.

President Barack Obama and junior Gabriel

Carrion resemble each other in every way—

especially in their auras and mode of dress.

Barack Obama and Carrion practically look

like twins.

Kind of a Column but Not ReallyE\�-XG\�6WXEEOHÀHOG�

Review- 3 / A pri l 1 st 2 0 1 4 / T h e Ca n t

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by the

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Hannah G

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1SEL�7GLPMRHPIV��7QMPP�1G1SE��%VMOE�6EQSRI��ERH�'EVVSX�,IMR^�TSWI�JSV�XLIMV�½VWX�EPFYQ�GSZIV�

Two by Tuesday:

33333One by

Monday: 3Sensational

new musical group Two by Tuesday

surpassed cheap, an-cient local band One by

Monday’s quality in every aspect on April 1.

“This is an outrage. We’ve been a band for almost

¿YH�\HDUV�DQG�QRZ�WKLV�NQRFN�RII�group is coming in and stealing all

our fans?! How dare they! I will not stand for this injustice!” One By Mon-

day front man Noah Schindler said.While One by Monday may tech-

QLFDOO\� FODLP� WKH�PRUH� SUROL¿F� KLVWRU\��Two by Tuesday seems far more experi-

enced, talented, and worthy of adoration. Recent gigs prove Two by Tuesday’s incred-

ible and nearly inconceivable genius. Smartly setting up a musical event right across

the road from One by Monday’s debut at the Apollo Theatre on April 1, Two by Tuesday started blasting

their impeccable tunes at 8 PM. Bored, yawning fans nearly fell asleep in their chairs during One by Monday’s

set, but seemed revived as Two by Tuesday’s music over-powered One by Monday’s dissonant screeches.³,�KDWH�2QH�E\�0RQGD\�QRZ��/LNH��ZKR�HYHQ�FDUHV��

\RX�NQRZ"�:KHQ�WKHUH�DUH�WUXO\�original EDQGV�OLNH�7ZR�E\� 7XHVGD\� RXW� WKHUH�� QR� RQH� QHHGV� NQRFN� RIIV� OLNH� 2QH�

by Monday anyway,” junior and former One by Monday fan Amy McLiar said.

As Two by Tuesday’s heavenly melodies and sweet guitar riffs VRXQGHG��IDQV�IRXJKW�WKHLU�ZD\�RXW�RI�WKH�$SROOR�WR�¿QG�WKH�QHZ��DV-

tounding band. Songs such as “We Wrote This in Two Minutes lol” and “We Don’t Care about the Environment!” entranced listeners, drawing

WKHP�LQ�DQG�PDNLQJ�WKHP�OLIHORQJ�7ZR�E\�7XHVGD\�HQWKXVLDVWV�Overall, Two by Tuesday outshines One by Monday. No one cares about

RXWGDWHG�EDQGV��\RX�NQRZ"�6R��\HDK��/LNH��GH¿QLWHO\�OLVWHQ�WR�7ZR�E\�7XHVGD\�

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Editor Receives Review on Her Fantastical Editing Skills8[S�F]�8YIWHE]�VIMKRW�WYTVIQ

I

33333Gluten-free and

SK\VLFDOO\� ¿W�� VFKRODVWL-cally inclined and deeply motivated, Editor-In-Chief (EIC) Emily Jones represents NC’s award-winning newspaper The Chant in a tasteful and structured manner.

“Emily Jones is literally the most amazing student I’ve ever taught, and I hon-HVWO\�WKLQN�VKH¶OO�EHFRPH�D�co-host on Dr. Oz. She’ll have the elite experience of a journalist paired with the intellect of a doctor. I feel it coming, Jonesy,” Ms. Lawson, AP Language teacher, said.

Since sophomore year, Jones has participated in the Journalism—News-SDSHU�FRXUVH�DQG�ZRUNHG�toward the EIC position. Over the 5 semesters, she has displayed prominent improvement, and she encourages her peers to progress too.

Jones’ high school ca-reer revolves around news-paper, and she happily fulfills her role as the head journalist in charge. Her HGLWLQJ�VNLOOV�UHLJQ�VXSUHPH�as she eliminates hit words and improves syntax and grammatical errors.

A charming smile and VKRFNLQJ� EOXH� H\HV� DOVR�help her negotiate adver-tisement deals with lo-cal business executives. While laying out her two pages, she assures a neat display and utilizes artistic text-wrapping techniques. During brainstorming, she offers several topics to write Op-ed articles on. Aside from newspa-per, she studies diligently for several Advanced Placement (AP) class-es. By focusing and dedicating herself WR�WKH�ZRUN��VKH�puts herself RQ� WUDFN� IRU�success.

by the amazing Alicia Bush

“I mean, come on. Em-ily Jones is such an amazing writer and she exemplifies everything I want in an Edi-tor-In-Chief. She’s going to the University of Georgia (UGA) because she lives up to the expectations of wear-LQJ�UHG�DQG�EODFN��7XUQ�XS��Emz,” Ms. Kovel, newspa-per adviser, said.

Attending UGA in the fall, the aspiring Health and Medical Journalism major strategically pairs her fitness obsession with her linguis-tic passions. As a dedicated Bull dawg fan, she awaits enrollment and desires sev-eral internships to prepare for the industry.

“What can I say about Emily? First of all, she really hates fantasy football, but WKDW¶V� RND\�because

I love her. She gets head-aches a lot too, but she still manages to be an amaz-ing leader. P.S. I’m pretty sure I’m her favorite,” junior Chris De-Girolamo, sports page editor, said.

%HEQ�5SZIP�ERH�.YPMER�,I]W[SVXL�EHQMVI�XLI�PSZIP]�)QMP]�.SRIWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW�

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Sports8192/April 1 2014/The Disenchant

Cubs capture first title since 246 B.C.E.Ditka coaches underdog squad to glory

Bemused Favre emerges as Denver’s new quarterback

by Adam Kovel

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Historic MLB franchise

Chicago Cubs ended their

105-year World Series

drought after defeating

the Houston Astros in a

riveting game seven, which

ended victoriously after 49

innings.

Following a regular

season that the Astros

dominated en route to an

undefeated season, the

Cubs certainly surpassed

their opponent. In order to

combat the superb power

KLWWLQJ� RI�PLGGOH� LQÀHOGHU�Marwin Gonzalez, the Cubs

SXOOHG� RͿ� DQ� LPSRVVLEOH�trade at the deadline to

bring back ultra-accurate

pitching fan-favorites

Carlos Marmol and

Carlos Zambrano.

Known for smashing

Gatorade coolers after

losing games, Zambrano

bashed one out of joy

after winning the

coveted trophy. ESPN

quoted him saying, “We

no longer stinks.”

Shortstop Starlin

Castro won the World

Series MVP but did not

realize this honor due to

his focusing inability. He

hit an unbelievable .874

during the World Series

and completed a league

record 43 errors.

Starting pitcher

-HͿ� 6DPDUG]LMD� DOVR� VHW�records for most strikeouts

simultaneously when

breaking one for the

simplest last name. After

the game, he told the press

that he instantaneously

knew his decision to take a

pay cut worked out.

“I never wanted to

leave this talented team.

Throughout my career I

knew my life would lead

to me not receiving a

large contract in hopes of

winning a World Series. I

never wanted that much

money anyways. Honestly,

if I could be paid nothing

to play, I would rather do

that,” Samardzija said.

Along with

Samardzija’s new contract,

the Cubs also made a

splash during the season

LQ�ÀULQJ�ÀUVW�\HDU�PDQDJHU�Rick Renteria and hiring

Chicago Bears legend

Mike Ditka to coach the

team. He introduced a

revolutionary strategy:

rather than wooden bats,

the players hit with polish

sausages. The new

regime has worked to

perfection, as there were

no outs for the rest of the

season from the loveable

winners’ offense.

The city of Chicago

roared in appreciation

and happiness when the

beloved Cubs won the

World Series, and they

look forward to the next

one in 2119.

Broncos bench 5-time MVP Peyton ManningNFL legend Brett

Favre recently returned

from retirement to join the

Denver Broncos as their

quarterback.

This latest development

serves as Favre’s third

(fourth? fifth? Does anyone

really know?) time coming

out of his retirement. At

age 44, Favre hopes to

bring home the 2nd Super

Bowl title of his career.

“I can’t wait to get out

there and start playing!

Physically, I am in the best

shape of my life,” Favre

said.

However, the move

by the Broncos continues

to baffle nearly everyone

in the industry. With 2013

MVP Peyton Manning still

under contract and healthy,

many wonder whether

Favre will even play.

Coach John Fox answered

the question immediately.

“Brett will undoubtedly

be the top quarterback on

our depth chart. That bum

Peyton Manning chokes in

the playoffs time and time

again. It’s time for a new

era in Denver, and Brett

Favre gives us what we

think is the missing piece

to our squad,” Fox said.

According to reports,

Manning took the news

poorly. Eyewitnesses claim

he remains staked out in one of

the Denver-area Papa John’s

restaurants he owns, gorging

on pizza. Apparently, the

5-time NFL MVP currently

mulls his own retirement,

citing overwhelming

feelings of failure.

“I’m just a big-screw

up. Even my idiot brother

Eli has more Super Bowls

than I do! Have you seen

him? It’s a miracle he

can even dress himself!”

Manning said.

Multiple NFL insiders,

including ESPN’s Adam

Schefter, report that the

Cleveland Browns struck

a deal with the Broncos

to receive Manning in a

trade, but Manning vetoed

it. His reasoning remained

simple.

“I may be depressed,

but not that depressed,”

Manning said.

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Favre in Something About Mary, the start of his acclaimed acting career. Fox confirms Favre’s status as a starter.

Manning wallows in self-pity.Favre remains cool as a cat in the face of media scrutiny.

The Chant

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