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Your part in healing your family

© Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. 3.15.07 1

INTRODUCTIONWe at Trinity, know you may feel trapped in family dilemmas. Nothing seems to work anymore. Everything feels out of control. That is, you tell us, why you called Trinity.

At Trinity, we ask your daughter to identify and solve her problems and that process, in our view, is half of the key to becoming a healthy person. We require your daughter to develop virtues by a noticeable change in her behavior and attitude. We require her to examine her conscience moment to moment and we observe progress daily. We also review her overall progress weekly. We require your daughter to grow virtues such as patience, mercy, compassion, tolerance, forgiveness, and responsibility.

We have found that parents must also go through a journey of growth at the same time as their daughters. This not only provides the parents with the tools they need to better serve their daughters when they return home; it also provides them with a common bond which will strengthen the family unit. When a family endures a trial or ordeal together, they grow together as a unit fighting for the same goal! “For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. . . . If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it” (1 Cor 12:12, 25-26).

Trinity’s Family Soul-utions takes place with you at home, while your daughter is learning and growing with us. We believe the healthy family is made up of persons who help, share, respect, give and receive well. If one member of the family is out of sorts, then the whole family is affected. When the family is out of sorts—each family member is affected. The family as a whole is woven tightly with its members.

So, we help make changes with your daughter, you as parents and the larger family. We help you examine your thoughts, behavior, and attitudes. We help you see your own part in the family and identify what you need to change.

We also believe that families are healthier when parents model the behavior they want from their children. Strong, healthy parents have the courage to look at themselves first and fix what ails them. When parents go first, children most often follow their example.

Our staff helps you examine your effectiveness as persons, partners and parents. Success in each role makes a healthier family. We look at your responses to the problems in your life. We help you identify your problems and help you outline new solutions. We offer guidance and clear strategies—in a compassionate way.

For the best outcome, we recommend that you practice these new solutions as you communicate with your daughter through phone calls, emailed/mailed letters, weekly updates, family/parent phone conferences, family therapy sessions at the ranch, trial visits and after discharge. We offer a 12 month follow-up if your daughter graduates from the program. We understand that the best lives are lived by those who see their own parts in a problem and will themselves work to change their parts.


We understand that you called us because you believe we serve God. We exist to serve God first. We ask God to lead and expect Him to answer prayers. He is the center of our treatment program—at all levels.

For the best outcome in your family, we ask you to examine your personal faith issues. We ask that you work on developing virtues with self and others. As part of your commitment to have a healthier family, we recommend that you practice these virtues.

Trinity Family Soul-utions has 6 Levels; these levels are very similar to your daughter’s “Changes and Challenges” program at Trinity. We seek lasting, healthy change in your family. We expect God to help us and of course, change will not last without your active part.

Together, we name real problems and give up the illusions that things will be better when someone else is different. We help you identify the healthy parts of your family life. We re-do the unhealthy parts, identify on-going need and problems.

Our methods include: family IQ, parent worksheets, prayer, reading books, listening to tapes, personality assessments, weekly marital/parenting therapy phone calls with your daughter’s therapist to assess areas of growth with each parent/guardian, assessment of marital and parenting strengths and weaknesses, areas of change within the family system, solutions to a healthy family, family therapy intensives at the ranch, improved communication with your daughter, referral to resources in your area.

100% of all families are in a crisis when they have a daughter that is out of control forcing you to seek intervention. We understand this and want to rebuild the parent system to ensure that your daughter stays on track when she returns home. Each parent is to complete honestly the Marital and Parenting assessments. Please fill these out without talking to each other or comparing notes, we want an accurate assessment of the family system. When completed return to TTS.

Your daughter, you, the staff at Trinity and God: we can’t think of a better treatment team!


General InstructionsAs you move through the levels of Trinity Family Soul-utions; we want you to:

1. Take quiet time with God daily,2. Be honest with yourself, your spouse and your therapist,3. Meet 1 time weekly with your spouse to talk about what you are learning,4. Pick 1 virtue each week to demonstrate to your spouse 5. Take part in weekly phone therapy sessions to learn about parenting your

daughter, and learn about effective family systems, 6. Complete assessments and courses in Family IQ,7. Read assigned books,8. Complete and turn in all written assignments9. Be at certain levels prior to interactions and visits with your daughter as a way

to “practice” the changes you are making in parenting. We recommend that:

a) Both parents be at level 3 for phone calls with their daughterb) Both parents be at level 4 for first family sessionc) Both parents be at level 5 for first home visitd) Both parents be at level 6 by discharge


Parent Objectives and Expectations:1. Parents in Stage I begin to see what has happened in their family—and what

they chose not to see. 2. Examine what brought the family to Trinity Teen Solutions. 3. Look at illusions, false core beliefs, responses that did not work, and past

history that helped the family to stay stuck.4. Assess and become aware of your Blind Spots5. Understand your Dominate Weakness in the Program of Life and work it daily6. Outline the parts of a daily prayer life and begin that process. 7. Report on your progress with your therapist during the weekly phone

conference.8. Complete all Parent Packet assessments and return to Trinity9. Read Parent Handbook and sign consent forms10. Return all requested forms to TTS, that were not completed during the

admission process11. Begin writing a Shock Letter to your daughter (See Sample Letter)12. Sign up and become familiar with Trinity’s Family IQ13. Complete Family IQ courses

Healthy Expectations IHealthy Expectations IIPersonal Assessment Test Color Personality Test Social Skill Test

Worksheet #1


“And the Blind Will See”: Level 1Name: Date:

Return the Agreement-- Return the signed Agreement after reading Parent Handbook, thereby indicating that you have read and agree to the policies philosophy’s of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. Mail or fax to Trinity within the first week. Each Parent must sign a copy and return.

Parent Agreement FormIt is the goal of Trinity to reunite the families of the children in its care. Efforts will be made by the program to encourage healthy communication between all family members whenever possible. To accomplish this, good communication must also exist between Trinity staff and the family.

Following the guidelines given in the Parent Handbook we will aid in providing the best possible relationship between all parties. When questions arise, please talk with the staff personally.

I have read the general policies covered in the Parent Handbook and agree to tell my concerns directly to the staff members of the program. I agree to encourage my child while she is a resident of Trinity and to openly discuss with the staff any problems that arise. I agree to participate fully in the Family Soul-tions Program. I agree with and have a full understanding of all of Trinity’s policies and philosophy’s.

Parent or Guardian’s signature:___________________________________ Date: __________________

Worksheet #2“And the Blind Will See”: Level 1Name: Date:

Kiersey Temperament Sorter© Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. 3.15.07 6

Prayer: Here is your God, he comes with vindication; With divine recompense he comes to save you. Then will the eyes of the blind be opened, the ears of the deaf be cleared. ( Isaiah 35:4,5)

Virtues I am growing:

This is a personality assessment tool that needs to be filled out by the parents with whom she lives and then faxed or emailed to Trinity. The objective in using this tool is to enable parents to better understand their daughter’s natural personality, as well as their own. This can be useful for learning how to best approach your daughter and affect a change in her behavior. This will also be helpful for parents to understand their own strengths and limitations as they take on the struggle of parenting their daughters. Both parents fill out the Kiersey Temperament. Make sure that you return the Kiersey Temperament to Trinity within the first week. You can fax or mail it too.

Click on only box for each number. Pick the answer that best describes you most of the time.

1.) At a party do you: a) Interact with many, including strangers b) Interact with a few, known to you

2.) Are you more a) realistic that speculative b) speculative than realistic

3.) It is worse to a) have your “head in the clouds” b) be “in a rut”

4.) Are you more impressed by a) principles b) emotions

5.) Are you more drawn toward the a) convincing b) touching

6.) Do you prefer to work a) to deadlines b) just “whenever”

7.) Do you tend to choose a) rather carefully b) somewhat impulsively


8.) At parties do you a) stay late with increasing energy b) leave early, with decreased energy

9.) Are you more attracted to a) sensible people b) imaginative people

10) Are you more interested in a) what is actual b) what is possible

11.) In judging others are you more swayed by a) laws than circumstances b) circumstances than laws

12.) In approaching others is your inclination to be somewhat a) objective b) personal

13.) Are you more a) punctual b) leisurely

14.) Does it bother you having things a) incomplete b) completed

15.) In your social groups do you a) keep abreast of other’s happenings b) get behind on the news

16.) In doing ordinary things are you more likely to a) do it the usual way b) do it your own way

17.) Writers should a) “say what they mean and mean what they say” b) express things more by use of analogy

18.) Which appeals to you more a) consistency of thought b) harmonious human relationships

19.) Are you more comfortable in making a) logical judgments b) value judgments


20.) Do you want things a) settled and decided b) unsettled and undecided

21.) What you say you are more a) serious and determined b) easy-going 22.) In phoning do you a) rarely question that it will all be said b) rehearse what you’ll say

23.) Facts a) “speak for themselves” b) illustrate principles

24.) Are visionaries a) somewhat fascinating b) rather fascinating

25.) Are you more often a) a cool headed person b) a warm-hearted person

26.) Is it worse to be a) unjust b) merciless

27.) Should one usually let events occur a) by careful selection b) randomly and by chance

28.) Do you feel better about a) having purchased b) having the option to buy

29.) In company do you a) initiate conversation b) wait to be approached

30.) Common sense is a) rarely questionable b) frequently questionable

31.) Children often do not a) make themselves b) exercise their fantasy enough

32.) In making decisions do you feel more comfortable with a) standards b.) feelings© Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. 3.15.07 9

33.) Are you more a) firm than gentle b.) gentle than firm

34.) Which is more admiral a) the ability to organize and be menthodical b) the ability to adapt and make do35.) Do you put more value on the a) definite b) open-ended

36.) Does new and non-routine interaction with others a) stimulate and energize you b) tax your reserves

37.) Are you more frequently a) a practical sort of person b) a fanciful sort of person

38.) Are you more likely to a) see how others are useful b) see how others see

39.) Which is more satisfying a) to discuss an issue thoroughly b) to arrive at an agreement on an issue

40.) Which rules you more a) your head b) your heart

41.) Are you more comfortable with work that is a) contracted b.) done on a casual basis

42.) Do you tend to look for a) the orderly b) whatever turns up

43.) Do you prefer a) many friends with brief contact b.) a few friends with more lengthy contact

44.) Do you go more by a) facts b) principles


45.) Are you more interested in a) production and distribution b.) design and research

46.) Which is more of a compliment a) “there is a logical person” b) “there is a very sentimental person”

47.) Do you value in yourself more that you are a) unwavering b) devoted48.) Do you more often prefer the a) final and unalterable statement b) tentative and preliminary statement

49.) Are you more comfortable a) after a decision b) before a decision

50.) Do you a) speak easily and at length with strangers b) find little to say to strangers

51.) Are you more likely to trust you a) experience b) hunch

52.) Do you feel a) more practical than ingenious b) more ingenious than practical

53.) Which person is more to be complimented a) clear reason b) strong feelings

54.) Are you inclined more to be a) fair-minded b) sympathetic

55.) Is it preferable mostly to a) make sure things are arranged b) just let things happened

56.) In relationships should most things be a) renegotiable b) random and circumstantial

57.) When the phone rings do you a) hasten to get to it first b) hope someone else will answer© Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. 3.15.07 11

58.) Do you prize more in yourself a) a strong sense of reality b) a vivid imagination

59.) Are you drawn more to a) fundamentals b) overtones

60.) Which seems to be the greater error a) to be too passionate b) to be too objective61) Do you see yourself as basically a) hard-headed b) soft-hearted

62) Which situation appeals to you more a) the structured and scheduled b) the unstructured and unscheduled

63.) Are you a person that is more a) routinized than whimsical b) whimsical than routinized

64.) Are you more inclined to be a) easy to approach b) somewhat reserved

65.) In writings do you prefer a) the more literal b) the more figurative

66.) Is it harder for you to a) identify with others b) utilize others

67.) Which do you wish more for yourself a) clarity of reason b) strength of compassion

68.) Which is the greater fault a) being discriminate b) being critical

69.) Do you prefer the a) planned event b) unplanned event


70.) Do you tend to be more a) deliberate than spontaneous b) spontaneous than deliberate



Prayer: Please God help me to write the words to my daughter that will return her to your ways, Amen.


Writing a Shock LetterA shock letter is a tool that we use to confront your daughter with the facts of her past behaviors. The parents dealing with her issues need to write her a letter describing in detail her past behaviors and the impact that they have on everyone and on her. We have found girls initially blame, lie and manipulate about events and behaviors. In order to work on her issues she needs to face the truth of how her behavior has affected self and others. We use this letter to stop the pattern of blaming and avoiding accountability and begin to get her to look honestly at herself and work on her issues. This letter needs to be sent to Trinity in the third week. You can fax or mail it.

Dear Daughter,

Do you remember what I did on last New Year’s Eve? I sat for hours at our kitchen table watching you and writing down some thoughts in a journal. You were sitting on the living room couch angry and brooding because you couldn’t be with your marvelous “friends” getting stupid on drugs and alcohol and disgracing yourself with casual sex – with anyone – male or female! Who cares as long as it permitted selfish pleasure for you!

Mom and I couldn’t go anywhere because we had to babysit our 16 year old daughter whom we knew we could never trust.

Throughout the evening your mom and I catered to your whines. We tried to speak with you and interact with you – but you sneered at our attempts and continued your silent, angry brooding. We offered to play some card games or to watch a movie together. We were trying to make the best of a horrible and hellish situation that we were compelled to live with. We at least tried to bring some celebratory moments into this forced and miserable time with you. We really did not want to be there with you. We would have enjoyed going out to dinner or to a show, or even attending midnight Mass at the Monastery. Anything would have been better than our forced need to babysit for an ungrateful, hostile and untrustworthy daughter. Despite our efforts to bring some small joy into this ridiculous situation, you continued to smash our attempts. You wanted us to suffer and to be unhappy because you couldn’t have it your way! You wanted us to have pain because of what we were doing to you!

And what exactly were we doing to you (Name) ?We were being faithful to our dishes and responsibilities as parents to protect and

preserve our ignorant and disrespectful child from doing more disgraceful and horrific harm to


herself and to prevent her from causing us more shameful and sickening humiliation and pain. Wow! We were having fun, huh?

And the way that you stared at the both of us that night was even more special. You didn’t need to say it; we could see it; we could feel it… OH, how you really wanted it! YOU WISHED THAT WE WERE DEAD.

Then you could be as free to do it all your way!Did you really think that we didn’t know how you felt about us? How could we not

know? Your face spoke it to us frequently. You even wrote it down more than once in your special “journals” and in your school notes to your treasured “friends.” And, yes, perhaps you even whispered it on occasion…. I WISH THEY WERE DEAD! Gone, vanished, disappeared!

Then I could live my real life in freedom and with the people who really care about me and who really love me… John, John’s mother, Laura, Mrs. Brosus, Brendan, Ashley, and all the rest! These were the real loves in your life, the ones that you truly cared about and who cared about and who cared for you. You would do anything for them and they would do the same for you! So DAMN your “so called” parents to Hell….!

I wish that they were gone forever! They have no idea what love and care really are or really mean… and your sympathetic “friends” all agreed with you didn’t they? You all hoped that we would DIE!

Do you really want to deny this now? Do you want me to show you the lines in your journals? Do you really want to review those school notes? At least be honest enough to acknowledge the agony and outrage that your attitude toward us caused! Stare at it. And know that we knew.

Yes, your mom and I knew full well how you and your beloved “friends” disrespected us. We felt it! We saw it! We endured it!

And still we so very much loved our daughter – deeply and fervently and in every way possible for a parent to love! And we wished and we prayed, and we hoped, that she would

Live! Love! Grow! Feel! Experience!All the good that the Gift of Life can be for her…! We wanted her to see no limits to the

joy of living the Truth of Life.And we pledged ourselves to do everything possible to protect her body to enlighten her

mind, and to save her soul. We worked for untold hours, days, weeks and months searching for answers in ways that you will never know. We were laughed at and ridiculed. We were called fossils, out of date, stupid, unmodern, religious, fanatics, idiots, fools, troublesome, bullies, arrogant, dictators….and more! But out work and efforts persisted because we love her immensely and profoundly… the one who wanted us dead!

We continued to suffer. But the pain is difficult. It’s a pain because of love. We suffer a very, very heavy financial strain. The money costs to save and to care for the one we so dear love are enormous. We sacrifice everyday.

There is not a day that goes by when we refuse a need or a want for ourselves, so that we can continue to help our dearly loved daughter. Will she ever realize the enormity of our efforts? Will she ever care…that we cared? Will she ever recognize the sacrifice of her sisters and brother? We have nothing left for them now. We can no longer help them the way we once were able to. But they really don’t care about the money, the help, the sacrifice. Because they too love her!!

And the parents, the sisters, the brother all would give their blood, their lives if needed….to save, to heal, to help the one they love! (Will she even care?)© Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. 3.15.07 15

There are so many more issues associated with you – I would need to write a book to detail it all. Issues, concerns, and behaviors that have upset me, disgusted me, and have disgraced me.

You can’t even begin to imagine in your simple, immature, and confused little intellect how shockingly painful it was for me as a FATHER, to be aware that my daughter, my precious flesh and blood, has desecrated her body and her reputation with a putrid and abusive impurity. And this daughter had the additional stupidity to believe that this was real “LOVE!”

Don’t be perplexed, dear daughter! I know what sex and sexuality really are! I understand them! I have experienced them! I have enjoyed them! And you have not!!!!!

Sex and sexuality are truly a God given gift of pleasure and enjoyment for two people – a man and a woman, who are husband and wife. These are God given for them to experience the joy of awesome and intimate closeness! Sex and sexuality involve the intense and intimate giving of each person to the other in a full physical, emotional and spiritual bonding for the purpose of nurturing their total and eternal pledge of their lives to one another.

Is this your definition of sex and sexuality? NOT!!!You casually threw these gems into the slime and the mud and the muck of immorality.

Your selfish and senseless behavior has disgraced and embarrassed me and my fatherhood. You have humiliated yourself and our family and significantly diminished your reputation in the eyes and minds of others!! Was it worth it???

You will really need to work hard to recover the respect and reverence that a father should have and must have for his daughter. You must make every effort and spare no sacrifice to rebuild my respect and reverence for you in this way again! I want this very much! I demand it and I deserve it! You owe me this debt!

Yes, this is very possible and you already know how to do this. How?By how you dress; by how you speak; by how you move; by how you touch others and

how you allow others to touch you. You will show me by your choice of music, books, art, magazines, and friends, and

movies and TV and radio. I will see it when I see your choice of heroes, of sports, or of activities.

I will know it when I see you recognize a wrong choice – and correct it yourself! Quickly! I will know it by the way you look at me and by the way you speak to me. I will see it by the way you pray and by the way you ask God for forgiveness. I ask you again – rebuild my respect and reverence for you as my daughter!

As I stopped here to review my thoughts and what I have written so far, I realized that there are many more disturbing and offensive issues that I must confront you with. The pages written so far and the pages I will write are necessary for you to see and understand how your father has evaluated you and how you have impacted his life.

Another critical reason for my writing so much is that I will actually expect and even demand your most complete explanations, answers and replies to these concerns! A full explanation with an honest and detailed confession and serious and sincere request for our forgiveness are essential and urgent demands to you from us. Without a full explanation including full and honest details, I don’t see how we can ever give you the fullness of our forgiveness! Without your best efforts in this regard, everything that we have done to achieve a healing in our relationship would be a failure and a fraud. We need real answers and we need real details in order to just begin (yes, only begin) to consider an attempt to trust you again. Trusting you again will be overwhelmingly difficult for me to do! But for your sake and for my sake, and for the sake of my family, I am willing to give my greatest efforts to try!! Don’t fail in this! Accept this as one of the most serious issues that will ever confront you in life! Explain to us and tell us the detailed truth! More lies or distractions or hearing the truth from others first would squish the tiny sprouts of respect and trust which are now meagerly growing between us! © Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. 3.15.07 16

You have caused us immense torment and humiliations. You need to know that we know you need to answer in detail, in truth, and with a sincere commitment to never subject your family or yourself to such abysmal shame again!!!

How could you have allowed scum encrusted neighbors and outhouse idiots access into my very home while my family and I were asleep?? How could you defile the house of your father by participating in your putrid sexual perversities under my roof? The incredible dishonor to me is still hard to even think about! The danger and the peril that you exposed my family to in our own home is unthinkable!! One of my children allowed drug diseased sludge and drunken slobs into my very home without giving a single thought to what these disordered fools could have done to my property, my home, or even to my family!! Trust?? How?? Your answer?

Your hellish and abusive exposure of your mind and body to the damaging stupor of drugs and the venom of alcoholic drunkenness was a bitter discovery! Why? With whom? Where? What drugs? How much? When? How often? How many adults know and permit this?

How could I not know that you robbed your own home and your family of beverages, of money, and what else? Should a father tolerate such slime and corruptness from his own blood? Can you hear the hideous laughter and ridicule now as your drug damaged “friends” recall the sweet memories of how you and they deceived ad robbed your parents?

Your task is to rebuild our trust in you will be hard and difficult work – hard and difficult.

I certainly cannot fail to confront you with the oppressive memory of you “cutting” yourself! Who introduced you to such bizarre and malignant behavior? How grotesque to assault your own flesh with harmful intent to mutilate, to bleed, to scar! What physical, mental and spiritual ugliness!! For what? For the approval of some sick, stoned, senseless fellow fool? Razor cuts!! Lacerations!! How foul and obscene! Why??

“But it is normal! Everyone does it!” That’s what someone said, and you believed that self-centered fraud who assured you that poison was good for you!! Oh, how you loved and admired this almighty person – especially when she ridiculed your parents as queer religious quacks whose ideas and attitudes were hopelessly out of touch with the new world, the new order, the new truth! Oh, and how you confidently drank in her twisted and false “reality!!” She tranquilized you with her pretend and sickening sweet sympathy while she boldly watched and even guided you into more horrible levels of depression, destructive behavior, and despair! “Sex was ok,” she said, “as long as it was safe sex.” That’s the truth and a medical/scientific fact! “Mutilation and cutting is just a passing phase,” she said, “just an expression of your adolescent confusion.” “Your parents must now allow you to be alone with your boyfriend because this would be the very best was for them to regain your trust”

But now, let’s go back to the “cuttings” – the slices and dices. What magic did it do for you? Did it really make you feel good or did it scar you in mind, in body and even in soul with a rancid festering and painful memory? Perhaps the cuttings were really a secret practice session for that unholy and unimaginable and demonic day when you would kill yourself? Oh, what a wonderfully malicious and satanically revolting symbol of how deeply you were drowning in the puss pit of the culture of death!!! The demons of hell were drooling for that horribly dimwitted event!! On that day your real nightmare would begin – for all time – forever- into infinity! A permanent future of intense terror, unquenchable stench, defilement and excruciating pain – forever – always – with no end possible!!!!

Next issues: LIES!!!You can never tell another lie. Your twisted and perverted lies, frauds and deceit were so

frequent and so absurd that if you were to lie to us again (even a tiny one) all trust, all respect, and all confidence might be damaged beyond any further repair. Truthfulness is you ONLY


option now. Truth is the steel and the cement and the brick for our honest and authentic relationship. This father’s respect and reverence can only be rebuilt with truth! Remember!

When you were sneaking out of my home late at night to meet with that “cancer” that you called your “friends,” did you not understand the humiliating damage and disgrace that you thrust upon me?? I am a physician and a respected, honored, and trusted person in my community! I must always protect and defend my reputation. A doctor who has a reputation of being a fool or of having a child who is disrespectful will become a laughingstock. “How can he help and guide our kids when he can’t even be respected by his own?” Oh yes, dear daughter, because of your dishonor and disrespect for me - I have had others scoff at me and mock me as a man, as a father, and as an unfit physician! But surely you knew and understood as you gleefully and greedily went ahead with your schemes because we were really not important in your life or for your selfish needs and pleasures! The only importance – me me me me me me me me me me me !!!!!

Next issue, please!Sorry, but you really need to confront the whole dirt. I’m not quite done with you yet. How would you define your most prominent and most obvious character and personality

trait? I know what I would say. Are you ready???

LAZINESS!!!!

When something needed to be done, your effort would be half-hearted and always last minute and only after the proper amount of arguing as to why you were required to make this horribly unfair effort! And your motto? “If something needs to be done, let’s see how badly I can do it and still get away with it!” You had no pride for something well done. Your efforts were usually seriously inadequate, and you could care less if someone else had to redo or correct it. You certainly never showed any dramatic urge to help with the cleaning, upkeep or labors needed to manage our home or to help us function as a family unit. Your half-assed attempts to dust or vacuum were really not much for a 15 or 16 year old. And when you were forced to empty the dishwasher, you made damn sure that the bowls were crooked, the pans in disarray, and the kitchen cabinets wouldn’t close correctly. Boy, you showed us!!

You were quite obvious about your ability to hide and your sudden affliction of bad hearing when some family work was needed. And if we persisted in disturbing your peace by insisting on your “help,” well, you were sure to cause grief about it.

Your laziness even extended to a disregard for your own bodily cleanliness! This is actually quite unusual for a 15 or 16 year old girl! It was such a huge effort to shower, or bathe, or wash your hair! You could go for days! You were really good at it. You hid your “aroma” at least somewhat by dousing yourself with lotions or colognes. Your hair at times could rival Iraq for grease and oil!

And the times that you actually gave some effort to your hygiene caused instant amazement because of your natural beauty and loveliness!

But, the lazy disregard returned again to hide and mask your real physical beauty. What a shame! But lazy was your middle name! Too lazy to study – just do enough to slide by! Too lazy to help if someone was sick or hurt – let somebody else do it! Too lazy to wash my clothes – a little splash of cologne will ease the smell! The lazy list goes on and on and on and on….!!!

One final issue daughter dearest!But perhaps the final issue is the most critical of them all. This issue involves your faith

– or more accurately your disregard for and your lack of faith!I really believe that you have little or not faith and that you do not believe in God. Faith

and God were a joke for you! At 16 years of age, and having attended Catholic schools for over 10 years – I’m confident that most public school second graders knew more about God than you © Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. 3.15.07 18

did! You weren’t stupid - you actually actively made an effort not o learn, not to believe, and not to open yourself to faith and to God. You actively worked at being ignorant. And even worse, you profaned and disrespected things and circumstances that you knew should be respected as Sacred!! How often did you receive your God, your Creator, you Redeemer with a soul so blackened with the scum of serious sin??? Confession was most likely just another lie!!!! You didn’t confess your sincere repentance because you never sincerely repented!! What a joke, what a scheme. Mass? Just an hour to daydream about the more important aspects of life – such as your worship or Aerosmith!!

Sin? No such thing – my “friends” said so!Grace? Never heard of her. Is she a Junior?Jesus Christ?? Hey, that’s my favorite cuss word!Faith, God, Catholic, Sacraments, salvation, sin, grace, heaven, hell - just all meaningless

and unreal chatter! No purpose to it all. A big waste of time!

Sex, pleasure, abortion, drugs, liquor, swearing, stealing, cutting, suicide music, immodest dress, movies with violence, sex, vampires and promiscuity, books about evil spirits……

These were your religion!These were you sacraments!These were your faith!These were your life!These were your death!

And it was all so much the better because you fully realized that by disrespecting all the Catholic crap you could get the added bonus of causing even more pain and grief for your asshole parents!

I have nothing more to say about your faith issues. Mom and I tried our best to teach and to guide and to lead you to the Truth of your Catholic faith. You are in charge of your own eternity now! No one can force you to believe- to have faith! Faith is a gift from God – which you are personally free to accept or reject. You alone then live and die with the consequences of this personal decision. You can’t fake it! Faith is not accepted by anything that you say! Talk is cheap, weak and easy! God knows. Faith is accepted or rejected by what and how you live! Living faith takes strength and endurance.

I could go on, but I’m not going to. I don’t know if I’ve said enough or not enough? I don’t know if you took this letter seriously or if you are secretly laughing at me for being such a fool and an ass. Perhaps this letter gave you a tiny tingle of pleasure as you finally realized how successful your efforts were in causing us pain and disgrace? Or maybe……just maybe… you actually cried some honest tears of sincere regret and remorse? For the ones, the only ones, in this life who would gladly give their lives for you!!! If this last statement is true and you sincerely desire our forgiveness, our trust and our relationship then I will finish this letter with some simple, brief and powerful advice. Then read on……

BUT, if you are laughing yourself silly over this stupid-ass crap and you can’t believe what a doofus your “old man” is, then stop here.

Love, Dad


The successful rebuilding of trust and relationships requires the efforts of the 5 fingers of your right hand. Each finger represents a single tool and all of them together are the tool-box of success for this endeavor.

1. The Thumb – This finger reminds you that the truth is the steel, the rock, and the foundation for authentic trust and positive, life-giving relationships. Truth is always necessary – even when it hurts or is hard or is embarrassing. A life defined by truth can never fail. Failure is always a consequence of lies, fraud and deceit.

2. The Index – Whatever you do must be done with your best effort and with all the energy and determination needed to complete the task at the highest level possible for you.

3. The second – Whenever possible, be a leader, never a follower. Leaders teach the ignorant, guide the blind, always recognize and follow what is true and always reject dishonesty and lies. Leaders quietly and humbly respect themselves and others. Leaders accomplish everything without words and without speaking – because authentic leadership is action!!

4. The Third – There is always real and authentic authority that is greater than you are. If real authentic authority demands your efforts in truth and in sincerity – you are obligated to obey quickly, fully and with your greatest strength and best effort!

5. The Last – Every day your life must include:a. Something newly learned or more quickly fully understoodb. Some “good” done for another (without being asked to do it!)c. An honest and powerful effort to worship and reach out to God!

The five finger formula for life is a simple but powerful method to build trust to solidify positive relationships and just simply to live well!!

The five fingers are powerful and strong! When they are folded together they form a hard fist to use when charging against the perversions and insincerities of the world!

The five fingers are gentle when unfolded. They become your right hand which can be used to greet friends and to help others who need a strong grip to save them.

The five fingers are faithful! They will always be there for you unless you choose to cut them off or smash them against the hardness of dangerous behavior or stupidity.

This letter was not meant to hurt…because love never hurts. This letter was not meant to accuse….only God can judge. I only seek that you read this letter and search your heart and soul for its real meaning. The real and true meaning of this letter exists not in my mind or in my pen. The real and true meaning of this letter is and can only be---- you!!!

Love,Dad



Program of Life Prayer: TO open the eyes of the blind, to bring out prisoners from confinement, and from the dungeon, those who live in darkness. (Isaiah 42:7)


This assignment does not need to be returned to Trinity. The Program of Life and instructions are in this worksheet (make copies before you begin filling it out). Each parent that she is living with should begin their Program of Life within the first week. Your daughter will be using the Program of Life at Trinity. We have found that if the entire family is utilizing the Program of Life when she is discharged, the girl will maintain the changes in behavior that she has acquired. We recommend a weekly family meeting discussing the Program of Life and the virtues that each member is growing, and how each family member can help. You do not need to return the Program of Life to Trinity. A great book that we utilize at Trinity is The Family Virtues Guide by Linda Kavelin Popov

The program of life is the back bone to Trinity’s virtue formation and change in your daughter. In order for you to heal your family it is imperative that you use the program of life for your own healing and virtue formation. We recommend that the entire family utilizes the program of life, therefore ensuring her success when she comes home.

The program of life is also very important for you to look at your own blind spots, weaknesses and wounded ways. Only through being vulnerable and navel gazing can you begin the healing changes in yourself, and that you expect out of your daughter.

ANALYSIS AND DEFINITION OF SELF:Set aside a time to reflect on yourself. Note in one column all your positive qualities, and in another your faults and weaknesses. When you are thinking about these positive and negative qualities, think of them in terms of these three fundamental relationships:

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GODYOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERSYOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF


The following questions should help you to reflect on these relationships: (Click on the shaded areas that describe you).

I. RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD:1. Do I deny or doubt God’s existence?2. Do I believe in God’s revelation in the Bible and try to become

familiar with His teachings?3. Do I try to follow the Ten Commandments in order to stay in a good

relationship with God? Do I know the Ten Commandments?4. Have I tried to learn more about my faith and about God?5. Is God a close friend or is he someone I rarely think about?6. Do I try to bargain with God to get something I want?7. Do I pray often or is prayer the last thing I remember?8. Have I worked on forming my conscience to the best of my ability Learning what hurts/offends God and what pleases Him? Learning what are sinful actions and occasions of sin?9. Have I been faithful to what my conscience has told me at each

moment?10. Do I try to avoid sin or do I try to come as close to the line without

crossing it? Do I try to “get away” with as much as I can in relation to God and the commandments?

11. Do I feel that I don’t need God? I can make it through life on my own without God’s help? Do I not recognize that God is present in my life continually?

12. Do I feel that other persons or things will lead me to happiness rather than God and His will for my life? Or that I can make my own happiness through my own decisions regardless of how God feels about such actions?

13. Do I trust God with my whole life? Or do I want to “hang on to it myself” because of fear of what God will do to me, or because I feel that I won’t have any fun anymore?

14. Have I used the name of God or of the Lord Jesus in vain, as a curse word, an expression, or in thoughtless ways?

15. Have I honored the Lord’s Day by attending Church services?16. Do I put excessive time and trust into horoscopes, fortune telling,

tarot cards, palm reading, or any other occult practices which would compromise my trust in God and His plan for my future?

17. Have I denied that I am a Christian? Or scandalized others by my actions or words which do not reflect my Christian beliefs?


Begin Typing in Shaded Areas:Positive qualities of my relationship with God Negative qualities

II. RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS:

1. Have I given a bad example to those around me? Have I lead them or helped them to commit any sin?

2. Do I forgive others when they hurt me?3. Do I hold grudges and/or get back at them in other ways?4. Am I a cause of sadness for my parents, teachers, or leaders

because of my disobedience, disrespect or unhelpfulness?5. How do I treat my brothers and sisters? How do I treat my

friends?6. Do I hate anyone? Do I often fight with others?7. Have I hurt anyone because of my words or actions?8. Have I let myself be carried away with internal criticism of others,

looking only at the bad in them instead of focusing on their good qualities?

9. When I listen to others, am I thinking of something I can say to make myself sound superior or more intelligent? Or am I criticizing everything they say in my mind? Or do I genuinely listen to others trying to support them and always looking for the goodness in their thoughts, words, intentions and always trying to lead them toward what is good and true?


10. Am I constantly comparing myself to others in appearance, intelligence, athletic talents, or any other gifts/talents—to see if I am better than they are, to see how I “should be” in order to fit in or become popular, or to “prove” to myself that I do have something in me that makes me lovable or worthy of respect/approval?

11. Do I believe that my problems are mostly due to the influence of others in my life? Do I blame others for my poor choices, actions, attitudes, and behavior? Do I believe that if I could live by myself on a deserted island that I would be perfect or problem-free?

12. Do I find fault in everything around me and blame my lack of peace and happiness on those around me or on the environment that I am in (work, school, lack of money, housing situation, the town I live in, etc.)?

13. Do I lie in serious or in small matters? Or am I sincere and truthful?

14. Do I exaggerate my illnesses or hurt feelings in order to get sympathy from others and to “soothe” my pain with self-pity?

15. Do I exaggerate my stories, actions, body language in order to get attention from others?

16. Do I change my personality depending on who I am with in order to appear “perfect” or “cool” to those that I am speaking to?

17. Do I manipulate others with my emotions, words or actions in order to get my way or to make others have a certain opinion of me?

18. Do I look down on others and consider myself superior to others?

19. Do I have friends who often lead me to sin? Am I willing to leave them?

20. Do I put myself willingly in danger of sinning?21. Am I humble to recognize my mistakes or do I always argue

that I was right?22. Have I done any impure acts alone or with another person?23. Did I steal, cheat, or help others to steal or cheat?24. Was I unloving in my words or deeds?25. Did I gossip or reveal the faults and sins of others?26. Did I fail to keep secrets I should have kept?


Start typing in the shaded areas:Positive qualities of my relationship with others

Negative qualities

III. RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF:1. Do I believe that I am perfect or at least almost always right? Do I

have difficulty in seeing my own mistakes and weaknesses?2. Do I fail to recognize when I hurt others feelings and have difficulty

apologizing?3. Do I put extreme importance on my own intelligence and

understanding, such that anything I don’t understand clearly I believe must therefore be wrong?

4. Do I have difficulty adjusting to others’ plans, needs because they disrupt my own?

5. Do I look to gain the approval of others through appearance, actions, talents, etc.? Do I judge myself according to how I look in the eyes of others?

6. Do I worry excessively about offending others because I do not want to appear less than perfect in their eyes?

7. Do I work hard to cover up all of my imperfections (whether physical, intellectual, emotional, etc.) so that others will think more of me? Do I spend a great deal of time on my physical appearance (whether through “primping”, excessive exercise, or in obsessions with eating/eating disorders)?

8. Do I try to be the center of attention the majority of the time I am with others?

9. Do I pick my friends according to how they will make me look? Or do I reject others because they would drag down my popularity?

10. Do I willingly compromise my principles in order to be accepted by others?


11. Do I dress immodestly?12. Have I purposefully entertained impure thoughts and desires?

Did I use impure or suggestive words? Did I deliberately look at impure TV shows, plays, pictures or movies? Did I deliberately read impure material or listen to impure stories?

13. Do I complete only those tasks which require the least effort or are the easiest for me?

14. Do I work only on those things that I like? Or do I work only when I “feel like it”?

15. Do I complain about everything?16. Do I spend a lot of time daydreaming or “spacing out”? Do

I dream of my future where I am always the heroine or the princess swept away into “happily ever after” by everyone around her?

17. Am I always looking for new thrills? Seeking excitement or satisfying my curiosity?

18. Do I look for pleasure so much that I am willing to compromise my relationship with God and my own purity?

19. Am I easily hurt by others? Do I easily leave behind friends who have hurt me or not quite treated me with the affection I desired?

20. Do my feelings dominate my day, such that all my decisions and judgments are based upon how I feel at the time?


Start typing in the shaded areas:Positive qualities of my relationship with myself

Negative qualities


CONCLUSION OF SELF-ANALYSIS:

Once you have answered the above questions and have compiled your positive and negative characteristics, you should now be able to identify your dominant weakness. You will find that the obstacles or negative qualities are chiefly the result of one of three dominant passions we all have: PRIDE, VANITY, or SENSUALITY. As you read through the description of each of these passions, keep in mind the negative qualities that you wrote down for your self—which of these dominant weaknesses sounds most like yourself? This is most likely your dominant weakness. Your dominant weakness does not necessarily stay the same—you may need to address different weaknesses at different times of your life.

I. PRIDE: When we base our security and self-esteem on ourselves.

Manifestations:

A. HAUGHTINESS: Having an elevated concept of myself, annoyance with those who contradict me, easily judging others, thinking others are bad, and hence easily gossiping about them; difficulty in recognizing my own errors or knowing when I’ve hurt someone and thus inability to ask, seek or render forgiveness; insincerity in order to hide my own faults; hypocrisy; fury in when others fail to thank me for my favors; unwillingness to serve; impatience, distance, brusqueness in my daily contact with others; thinking that I’m the only one who knows how to do things right, unwillingness to let others help; over-rationalism, such that anything I don’t understand clearly I judge to be in error, and say so; not believing practically in my need for God, even though I invoke Him.

B. SELF-LOVE: Permitting nobody to contradict me, growing annoyed if I don’t get my way or if I’m not taken into account, refusing to assent unless it’s all explained to me; nursing grudges a long time, not letting go of minor annoyances, rebelling against what I don’t like or what seems mistaken to me; not liking to take directions from anyone; acting authoritarian; inflexibility. Thinking of myself first; my things take priority over everyone else’s; being indifferent to others and their needs, tastes; difficulty in disrupting my plan when someone asks me for something, and thus great calculation in my relations with others and with God; liking to be heard, always thinking my conversation is the most important; centering games and entertainment around myself.

II. VANITY: Putting our security in others (what they think of us).

Manifestations:Wanting others to admire me; thinking that I’m the best, that I know it all, that I’m always right; undue preoccupation for my physical


appearance and dedicating excessive time to primping; being dominated by “human respect” as with shyness, when this shyness is in great measure because I’m afraid others won’t like me, becoming easily discouraged at my failures, two-faced or hypocrisy in the attempt to make myself accepted, abandoning or silencing my principles in order to “fit in”, easily judging others when they don’t agree with me, and speaking openly of their “errors”, desiring to have “intimate friendships” in order to appear popular, breaking confidences; stretching the truth or lying outright in order to make myself admired or loved; always seeking to be the center of attention; severe disappointment when others don’t appreciate my things; seeking to be accepted even if I have to compromise my principles.

III. SENSUALITY: Putting our security in things.

Manifestations:A. LAZINESS: Always looking for the most comfortable, that which

requires least effort, the easiest means, the most comfortable postures; avoiding service when it requires my effort; always accomplishing my responsibilities at the last minute just to finish them, without concern for perfection in what I do; wasting time easily, and when I’m not under deadline, working only on what I like most; fleeing anything which exacts a bodily mortification of me; complaining about everything; if I’m a little under the weather everyone knows about it.

B. LIFE OF FEELINGS: Daydreaming, not controlling my thoughts; constructing castles in the air in which generally I play heroine or the center; at meals, eating only what I like, rejecting everything else even if it hurts another or wastes food; having to see everything, experience everything; curiosity; seeking pleasures, even to the point of endangering my purity of thought or actions.

C. OVER-SENSITIVITY AND EMOTIONALISM: Giving primacy to my feelings such that my daily work depends upon my emotional state—whether I feel I like the person I’m dealing with, if I like my task; being easily hurt by others; passing easily from friendship to animosity with others; needing to be liked and to feel the affection of others.

DEFINITION OF THE IDEAL AND VIRTUE I’M GOING TO CONQUER:

After having defined which passion is your dominant defect and its most common manifestations (the ways that you most often practice this passion), it’s easy to see which virtue directly opposes this defect, and which you should therefore attempt to conquer. For example: if my dominant sin is PRIDE, then the virtue I probably need to work on is HUMILITY or SELFLESSNESS. If my dominant sin is VANITY, then I may need to work on greater FAITH or DETACHMENT. If my dominant sin is SENSUALITY, then I probably need to work on SELF-DISCIPLINE or SELF-DENIAL. There may be other virtues that also apply or that you simply need to work on depending on your particular challenges and assignments.

Your IDEAL will always be Jesus Christ because the aim of the program of life is to transform myself into HIM. Nonetheless, based on the virtue you most need, choose some aspect of the personality of Jesus Christ as your ideal—maybe just pick out a bible story that identifies a quality that you need to work on (for example, Jesus washing the


disciples’ feet as an example of service and selflessness). It will help to choose as well a motto, which is to say a phrase that speaks to me and helps me to remember my ideal.

EXAMPLE:Dominant passion—PrideVirtue to Conquer—humility, esp. in serviceIdeal—Christ, meek and humble of heart (Jesus washing the disciples’ feet)Motto: “I have come not to be served, but to serve.”NEXT:List the concrete ways that you commit this dominant sin. For example: if my dominant sin is LAZINESS, then I need to identify the concrete ways that I am LAZY. I may always look for the easiest job and let others do the harder ones. I may put off doing my assignments until the last minute. I may not work on my virtue at all during the day, I may not pray at all throughout the day, etc.

CONCRETE MEANS:We now move to the most important step—the definition of some concrete means which will help you to practice the virtue you wish to conquer. These means should be in direct relation to the concrete manifestations of your dominant passion. Each means should aim at overcoming the attitudes bound up in the defect. They should be concrete, preferably practices which may be used every day. Daily practices are those which will most help me continue to grow in sanctity.

SOME POINTS THAT SHOULDN’T BE LEFT OUT OF YOUR PROGRAM:A. Relations with God—ALWAYS TRY TO GROW IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUSB. With others—strive to learn to build friendships with those who will support you in your

relationship with Christ.C. With yourself—identify the means which most help you to acquire a firm, strong,

constant will. It should be something you can work on daily.

USE OF YOUR PROGRAM:Don’t forget to write the program out clearly. This program will be used in conjunction with the level system and will be a valuable tool for life-long personal growth and formation. Look over your program for a few minutes daily during your morning prayers. It will help you to use it as a guide during your nightly examination of conscience.


Program of Life Assessment Form(Start typing in the shaded areas)

Dominant Weakness (Problem):

Ways that I exemplify this weakness during the day:1.)

2.)

3.)

4.)

5.) Opposing Virtue (Solution/Challenge):

Definition of virtue(s):

Ways to practice this virtue during the day:1.)

2.)

3.)

4.)

5.)

Program of Life Assessment:The number of times I have failed to practice this virtue (committed my dominant weakness) today (failures) and the number of times I have succeeded to practice this virtue and avoided the temptation to commit this weakness (successes):

Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday MondayFailure Success Fail. Succ. Fail. Succ. Fail. Succ. Fail. Succ. Fail. Succ. Fail. Succ.

Noon

Dinner

Bedtime



Progress Begins in the Mind: Corrective thinking process

Prayer: Can a blind person guide a blind person? Will not both fall into a pit? No disciple is superior to the teacher; but when fully trained, every disciple will be like his teacher.(Luke 6:39,40)


Your daughter will have group therapies on “Corrective Thinking Process”. This is a program that evaluates Thinking Barriers that keep her in her maladaptive behaviors, and teaches her to replace those Thinking Barriers with Responsible Thinking Correctives. This Corrective Thinking formation is founded upon the understanding that an individual develops behavior patterns, both positive and negative, to explain, support and validate the individual's world view. This basic principle is not new, and is supported by the findings of numerous social and psychological studies. However, understanding a basic principle, and applying that principle to effectively modify behavior is the difference between knowing how a plane works, and being able to fly one.

Every person has some of these Thinking Barriers that prevent them from looking at their blind spots and continue to feed the maladaptive patterns. In order for you to move through the level system, you need to evaluate your own Tactics that will prevent you from looking at areas in your life that you need to change.

The other benefit to working through the Corrective Thinking Process is that you will also be able to identify tactics in your daughter and help her to utilize the Responsible Thinking patterns she has been taught while at Trinity.



Understanding time bomb tactics“A harmful truth is better than a useful lie”.

Using tactics is common to all of us at times and in varying degrees; it is simply part of human experience. We use these tactics as a way to protect ourselves or to stimulate a change in our immediate experience and they usually do so quickly, working within seconds or minutes rather than days or weeks. The sought after result is an immediate change in our experience.

We use these tactics as coping mechanisms to protect ourselves from being uncomfortable, as a way to avoid reality, avoid pain, avoid conflict, avoid accountability, and to avoid getting in trouble. We have used these tactics over and over to the point that they have become a habit, and they have become a knee jerk reaction response. Parents often role model these tactics to their children, and they too become the tactic masters, then they find themselves unable to reach their children. In order for you to look honestly at yourself you first need to evaluate any of the tactics you may habitually use.

Time-bomb tactics are a person’s closest ally. As long as their tactics are successful individuals are able to:a) Dodge accountability and justify their behavior.b) Serve as substitutes for right and wrong – where ‘right’ is defined by them as ‘getting by,’ and ‘wrong’

means getting caught.c) Prevent progress and reinforce regress or relapse into deeper levels of irresponsibility, crime, and

substance abuse. d) They block change and nurture harmful and destructive lifestyles while promoting continuance in barriers

in thinking.e) Like a drug, tactics produce false feelings of self-satisfaction, and escalating levels of excitement,

aggression, and power. These combinations serve to override any fear of doing the forbidden or experiencing consequences.

f) They also make it difficult, if not impossible most of the time, to reason with individuals who are using tactics.

While thinking barriers function generally in pairs or triplicate, time-bomb tactics are different in that all 19 of them may be launched together as fearsome weapons from a well-kept arsenal.

When tactics go unchecked the person interprets it as the ‘silent approval’ of others and fail to recognize their fault, the harm they have caused, and their need to change. On the other hand, when tactics are challenged it is often a signal to the ‘tactician’ that they should spar more vigorously with the ‘agent of change.’ They often shift their minds into battle gear thinking, “How dare you question me. You’re nothing but an enemy to me. You’re not helping me at all; you’re only in my way. You asked for it, this means war, and I’m going to win at all costs.”

Part of this ‘self-talk’ is their strategy for maintaining an all-powerful view of themselves and of building themselves up in order to gain control and put distance between themselves, the prospect of change, and improving relationships with others.

It is the ‘agent of change’ responsibility to disarm the ‘tactician’ and not allow their tactics to wear them down, burn them out, or rally other ‘tacticians’ to their side.

This is not as easy to do as it is to understand because time-bomb tactics are the essence of survival to the ‘tactician’. They will not lay down their only means of combat without a struggle.

The ability to effectively interrupt tactics takes time and practice to build, but it is one skill that the ‘agent of change’ cannot afford to be without. A skillful, seasoned ‘agent of change’ can interrupt tactics repeatedly until the ‘tactician’ is worn down and at a point where they would rather give up their negative tactic patterns and pursue positive patterns of change.



Identifying time bomb Tactics

Time-bomb tactics can be broken into 3 categories that make them easier to recognize and identify as follows:

SHIFTS BLAME OR FOCUS1. Attempts to confuse2. Points out others’ faults3. Builds self up by putting others down4. Makes a big scene over minor issues5. Accuses others of misunderstanding6. Uses anger as a weapon to control others7. Argues over ‘words’ to avoid the real issue8. Introduces irrelevant material (racial/gender issues)9. Puts others on the defense by degrading/ embarrassing

LIES AND DECEIVES10. Deliberately vague11. Avoids duties and obligations (by saying “I forgot”)12. Tells others what they want to hear, not the whole truth13. Omits facts, distorts truth, and reveals only what pleases self14. Agrees without commitment (says 'yes' without meaning it)

IGNORES OBLIGATIONS15. Does not pay attention16. Chooses only what is self-gratifying17. Refuses to communicate or participate – silence18. Minimizes behavior (“I just got into a little trouble”)19. Claims to be ‘changed’ after doing the right thing only once



What tactics am I prone to use when uncomfortable?Prayer: The path of the upright avoids misfortune; he who pays attention to his way safeguards his life. (Proverbs 16:17)

Virtues I am growing: (Put cursor over shaded area to pick from drop down box)

Never1. Others don’t understand, they’re missing the whole point.

Never2. I’m a good person, better than most. They’re the ones that need to change.

Never3. I make decisions based on my gut-feelings.

Never4. I can out argue anyone just to get others off my back

Never5. I stick to the “criminal code” of covering for others so they’ll return the favor.

Never6. I trust those I can use. My connections help me get my way.

Never7. I’m silent because it’s my right; I’ve got secrets that are nobody’s business.

Never8. I lie because I don’t want you to know my intentions.

Never9. I’ll cooperate and work only with those who give me what I want.

Never10. I’m unpredictable, moody, and often late. I call the shots.

Never11. I hold grudges, staying angry for a long time and my anger is intense and daily so others learn fast that they better look out.

Never12. I have no spiritual interests, only my own.

Never13. I blame others for situations I created.

Never14. I over-react and intimidate others in order to be sure I get my way.

Never15. I have little or no difficulty—on my job, in my relationships, at home, or with my moods—I make them all work to my advantage.

Never16. I have no qualms with myself. I like me just the way I am.

Never17. I have no feeling or concern for others, it’s too time consuming and takes too much energy. It’s enough watching out for #1, and that’s me.

Never18. I don’t reflect on my mistakes or others’ opinions of me.

Never19. I only remember what I already believe. That’s all that’s important anyway.

Never20. I proved it to you once already. I’m a good person. Can’t you see?

Worksheet #9© Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. 3.15.07 35

“And the Blind Will See”: Level 1Name: Date:

What tactics is your spouse prone to use when uncomfortable?

Prayer: The path of the upright avoids misfortune; he who pays attention to his way safeguards his life. (Proverbs 16:17)


(Put cursor over shaded area to pick from drop down box)Never1. Others don’t understand, they’re missing the whole point.

Never2. I’m a good person, better than most. They’re the ones that need to change.

Never3. I make decisions based on my gut-feelings.

Never4. I can out argue anyone just to get others off my back

Never5. I stick to the “criminal code” of covering for others so they’ll return the favor.

Never6. I trust those I can use. My connections help me get my way.

Never7. I’m silent because it’s my right; I’ve got secrets that are nobody’s business.

Never8. I lie because I don’t want you to know my intentions.

Never9. I’ll cooperate and work only with those who give me what I want.

Never10. I’m unpredictable, moody, and often late. I call the shots.

Never11. I hold grudges, staying angry for a long time and my anger is intense and daily so others learn fast that they better look out.

Never12. I have no spiritual interests, only my own.

Never13. I blame others for situations I created.

Never14. I over-react and intimidate others in order to be sure I get my way.

Never15. I have little or no difficulty—on my job, in my relationships, at home, or with my moods—I make them all work to my advantage.

Never16. I have no qualms with myself. I like me just the way I am.

Never17. I have no feeling or concern for others, it’s too time consuming and takes too much energy. It’s enough watching out for #1, and that’s me.

Never18. I don’t reflect on my mistakes or others’ opinions of me.

Never19. I only remember what I already believe. That’s all that’s important anyway.

Never20. I proved it to you once already. I’m a good person. Can’t you see?



MY Tactics (Put cursor over shaded area to pick from drop down box)

Prayer: Pride goes before disaster, and a haughty spirit before a fall. It is better to be humble with the meek than to share plunder with the proud. (Proverbs 16:18-19)

Virtues I am growing: (start typing in the shaded areas)

1. Make a list of your positive traits.

2. Make a list of your negative traits.

3. Select which of the tactics you use most frequently and write them below.

4. How does using the above tactic affect others? Be specific; share names and actual circumstances.

5. Think of as many ways as you can that you can use to interrupt and quit your use of tactics.

6. Make a commitment to stop your tactics. State your commitment, when you will start, with whom and how you will fulfill your commitment.

7. What positive consequences do you expect will result from following through with your commitment?



Understanding closed thinking barriersPrayer: Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage. (Psalms 23:4)

Virtue I am growing:

A common characteristic of Barriers in Thinking is that they never function alone. There are always at least two or more operating at the same time. The Closed thinking Barrier is the most prevalent error in thinking and is most commonly found to be one of the parts or errant pairs in operation in any situation.

Closed Thinking is, simply put. Being unwilling to listen to another person’s point of view; refusing to learn new ways or ideas, and choosing to ignore facts, especially about oneself. Closed thinking is indicated in a failure to be receptive, failure to disclose information, and failure to be self-critical.

Closed Thinking is the most important thinking barrier to recognize and overcome for two reasons. One, because it is the most common thinking barrier, and two, because closed thinkers have enclosed themselves in their own little world that shrinks smaller and smaller as they choose to ignore the real world around them.

Because they are fearful closed thinkers tend to block out any information that could disrupt their beliefs. They reject any information that goes against the way they want things to be.

"Fear of losing face" is a thinking pattern that seeks to protect a false image a person has created for himself. This is a thinking error that stems from pride. Pride and fear may at first appear at odds, but pride is actually seeing oneself dishonestly or "not as you really are." It creates a fear that others will see through you and realize that you are not all you have led them to believe. The fear of being "found out" or being thought of as less than perfect is scary for many people. Any emotion of fear that occurs is considered potentially humiliating and must be hidden or eliminated. Feeling doubt, concern, apprehension, embarrassment, anxiety, or dread cannot be tolerated or admitted by those engaged in fear of ‘losing face.’



Assessing my barriers to change: My fearsPrayer: I sought the lord, who answered me, delivered me from all my fears. (Psalms 34:5)


(Begin typing your answers in the shaded areas)

1. Make a list of all of your fears.

2. Write what makes some fears healthy and some fears unhealthy.

3. Review your list and determine which of your fears are healthy and which are unhealthy. Write an ‘H” for healthy before the healthy fears and a ‘U’ for unhealthy before the unhealthy fears.Example of a healthy fear is being afraid of getting cancer if you smoke.Example of an unhealthy fear is being afraid of trying something new because you might make a mistake.



My illusions and false beliefs

Prayer: Then He touched their eyes and said, “Let it be done for you according to your faith.” And their eyes were opened. (Matthew 9:29)


An illusion is a false belief we have about God, self and others. Illusions help us fail.

To complete this exercise, fill in the blanks with the false beliefs that have kept you going.

Illusions or False BeliefsStart typing in shaded area

I believedAbout God

I believedAbout Myself

I believedAbout My Spouse

I believedAbout My Daughter

1 2 3 4 5



My Core beliefsPrayer: Lord, I believe you can change any belief. Create me as you see me. Amen.Virtues I am Growing:

To complete this exercise, list your core beliefs about God, yourself, your partner, and your child. A core belief is something you really believe; it can be positive or negative. It is found in your thoughts, behaviors and feelings.

What I really believe(start typing in shaded areas)

About God About Myself About My Partner

About My Daughter

1 2 3 4 5



What others believe about me

Prayer: Lord, let me see what I have not seen through Your eyes only. Amen.

Virtues I am Growing:

To complete this exercise, list THE TRUE core beliefs that others have. What does God, your partner, and your child really believe about you. It can be positive or negative. Take time to ask God and your spouse what they believe about you as a person. Also discern what your daughter showed you that she believed about your through her actions, behaviors, and statements.

What others really believe about me(start typing in shaded areas)

Gods Belief My Partner’s Belief My Daughter’s belief

1 2 3 4 5



What is change?

Prayer: The lord gives sight to the blind. The Lord raises up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous.

Virtues I am growing: (Begin typing your answers in the shaded areas)

1. What does ‘change’ mean to you?

2. How does ‘change’ take place within a person?

3. What do you want to change?

4. When do you want to change?

5. How will you know when you have changed?

6. How will the world around you be different when you make this change?

7. How will your change effect your future?


8. What will keep you from changing ?

9. What do I need from God to change?

10. What I need from my spouse to change?

11. What I need from my daughter to change?

12. What I need from myself to change?


Worksheet #17“And the Blind Will See”: Level 1

Name: Date:

Active prayer is the precursor to changePrayer: Lord, I cannot see myself. Not as you see me. With all my faults and all my blindness, Renew my sight. Let me see how to make things right.

Virtues I am Growing:

(This format can be used every day. Begin typing in shaded areas)

1) Select a time to be with God daily—quiet time.

2) Set these things aside , , , . (Things that might hinder your quiet time with God.)

3) Devotional Readings from .

4) Give thanks first. My blessings today are , , , .

5) My needs today are , , , , .

6) My stumbling blocks are , , , .

7) What I need to grow , , , .

8) I am grateful for , , , .

In Christ’s Name, Amen.My Scripture for today in my own words: .


Name: Date: Level I-“And the blind will see”

Checklist

The following activities must be completed in order to move to Level II.

Date Completed Therapist Initial

Weekly Phone Therapy

Comments:

Mom’s Worksheets: DateComp

Dad’s Worksheets: DateComp

TherapistInitials

#1 #1#2 #2#3 #3#4 #4#5 #5#6 #6#7 #7#8 #8#9 #9#10 #10#11 #11#12 #12#13 #13#14 #14#15 #15#16 #16#17 #17 Comments:

Mom’s Family IQAssess/Courses Titles

DateComp

Dad’s Family IQAssess/Course Titles

DateComp

TherapistInitials

Healthy Expectations I Healthy Expectations IHealthy Expectations II Healthy Expectations IIPersonal Assessment Test Personal Assessment Test Color Personality Test Color Personality Test Social Skill Test Social Skill TestComments:

Parent HandbookForms

Date AssessAnd Tests

Date All enrollment forms completed

Date Begin ShockLetter:

Date

Mom Mom Mom MomDad Dad Dad DadComments:


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