Tolerance in Relationships

Keeping Krsna in the Center

Why are we unable to sustain our practice of “tolerance”?

Mantra 1:When you squeeze and orange you get orange

juice!

Tolerance is not about tolerating another. Tolerance is about tolerating your own urges to respond in a non devotee like way.

Mantra 2:What does it do to ME? What am I

feeling?

Refer Videos: THE INTERNAL PAUSE BUTTON THINKING AND FEELING PRECEDE WILLING OR ACTION

Feelings have intelligence- they tell you about you

Event

A learned behavioral response that has become associated with a particular situation, esp one frequently repeated

• Self Observation and Deep Feeling Exercise– Note the details in black in your observation

Thoughts/Rationale for your response

Feelings

Physical

Sensations

Event Trigger

ResultingBehavior(Habit)

(energy,tension, tightness, warmth, numbness

anger, anxiety, joy,

excitement

Observable as language (stories, interpretation,justification, etc.)

Reward!

I am not a good ….

I am boring

MY BOSS IS CRAZY

I cannot trust menSHE IS RUDE

Fire is hot

Sad Angry LonelyFearSympathy

Blissful Excited ElatedNervous

MistakesTop performer

FIGHT

CARELOVE

HURRY AWAYIGNORE

MAKE A SCENEACT IMPORTANT

HUMBLE BEHAVIOR

Thoughts/ Beliefs

Feelings

Behaviors/ Willing/Action

Mantra 3:Compassion

Each person is dealing with their own hooks and triggers and therefore be

compassionate!

Mantra 4: Communication: Observations, Feelings , Needs and

Requests

Refer :www.cnvc.org

Book Non-Violent Communication , Marshall RosenbergDraupadi’s Empathy and Forgiveness

Watch Video: to learn this skill

Communication: Can you meet me here?

Respect and Connectedness vs Angry Words and Disconnectedness

Observation, Feelings and Needs

As you understand your own feelings and needs , you will become tuned to the needs and feelings of others. Refer Video: Draupadi’s Empathy and Forgiveness

•I noticed you……….

Observations

•I bring this up because I am….

Feelings

•It’s important because my need for …..is not being met

Needs

•Would you be willing to….

Requests

Refer www.cnvc.org or get the book Non-Violent Communication , Marshall Rosenberg to learn this skill

“Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms which we share in common. Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?”

But how would this protect me from difficult people.?

Ambarish Maharaja, Draupadi, etc did not worry in this way because of their strong faith in Krsna . They were fully surrendered to whatever He decided for them. On the other hand , our faith is not so strong and some of us may seek support from healthy boundaries

Mantra 5: Healthy Boundaries

In spite of the best self help tools in place it is hard to become steady

in our practice of tolerance

Mantra 6:I am an eternal servant of Krishna

Thoughts/Impressions

Feelings

Actions/BehaviorsSituations

Feelings

Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, Impressions in Avidya

Feelings become more magnified each time we

find ourselves in a similar situation

Avidya- Ignorance

Ignorance about: Who am I? Who is Krsna? What is my

relationship with Him

Our Eternality

Each dot corresponds to a lifetime in your eternal journey

Our Eternality

Each dot corresponds to a lifetime in your eternal journey

We zoom into a single lifetime thinking it to be all in all forgetting our eternal journeyWe become distracted from our purpose

SB 12.4.36: All material entities undergo transformation and are constantly and swiftly eroded by the mighty currents of time. The various stages of existence that material things exhibit are the perpetual causes of their generation and annihilation.

Mantra 7:The Material World is Temporary

Refer :www.cnvc.org

Book Non-Violent Communication , Marshall RosenbergDraupadi’s Empathy and Forgiveness

Watch Video: to learn this skill

The Material World is Temporary

4 categories of universal annihilation( SB 12.4)

Continuous( every moment

transformation is on)

Occasional(end of Brahma’s

Day)

Elemental(end of Brahma’s

life)

Final(false ego through

Bhakti)

If you are focused, you will tolerate:

SB 12.6.32:

•Those who desire to give up all that is not essentially real move systematically, by negative discrimination of the extraneous, to the supreme position of Lord Visnu. Giving up petty materialism, they offer their love exclusively to the Absolute Truth within their hearts and embrace that highest truth in fixed meditation.

SB 12.6.33:

•Such devotees come to understand the supreme transcendental situation of the Personality of Godhead, Lord Visnu, because they are no longer polluted by the concepts of "I" and "my," which are based on body and home.

SB 12.6.34:

•One should tolerate all insults and never fail to show proper respect to any person. Avoiding identification with the material body, one should not create enmity with anyone.

Story of the Avanti Brahmana

SB 11.22.58-59: Even though neglected, insulted, ridiculed or envied by bad men, or even though repeatedly agitated by being beaten, tied up or deprived of one's occupation, spat upon or polluted with urine by ignorant people, one who desires the highest goal in life should in spite of all these difficulties use his intelligence to keep himself safe on the spiritual platform.

Steadiness

•Pure love for Krsna

Prema:

•Love

Bhava:

•Attachment

Asakti:•T

aste

Ruci:

•Steadiness

Nistha:

•Decreasing unwanted attachments

Anartha Nivritti:

•Performance of devotional service

Bhajana Kriya:

•Association of Devotees

Sadhu Sanga-

•Faith

Sraddha:

Position of the Avanti Brahmana

Mantra 8:Crying out for mercy!

Bridging the gap between my response and Avanti Brahmana’s response!!!

We are attached to the bubbles which burst away into oblivion! We are affected

by the temporary waves

Go deep into the river of Bhakti and feel the

current of Krishna’s love

How to get there?...We need mercy

Chantingof the Holy Name(Ceto

darpana marjanam)

Vaishnava Seva(susrosoh..

Syan mahat sevaya viprah)

Hearing(srnvatama sva katha krishna,

nashta prayesu abhadresu)

Appendix

Handouts

• Internal Pause button, self observation Exercise

• Feelings chart, • Feelings have intelligence chart

Current Thoughts without judgment

Adult Feelings Gifts we gain when we feel and own these feelings

My husband doesn’t spend time with me. I get angry with him. I do not like being lonely.

Lonely, alone Helps me to reach out to others- reach in to know myself

Joy, well being Helps me grow

I wish to connect with her but she doesn’t want to speak with me. Being rejected like that feels painful to me.

Pain Increases my ability to heal, face reality, regrow

Sadness Develop empathy- to care for myself and others

Anger(Adult) not rage Energizes my inner power , validates our right to be treated with respect and dignity

I feel really scared when I hear people screaming. I get really anxious about the future

Fear Strengthens self protection and boundaries. Makes me call out to Krsna

Love Extends my ability to give unconditional nurturing

Oh I feel awful, I made a mistake again.

Shame Humility, a sense of human ness, I can make mistakes

Current Thoughts without Judgment

Adult Emotion Gifts we gain when we feel and own these feelings

Exhilaration Positive Energy, power to persist until I succeed

Guilt Helps me set limits and have adult standards- gives me the energy and ability to make amends to others

I am happy that I was able to help them well.

Worthwhile Helps me grow my self esteem

Worthless Makes me more ready to grow and climb upwards

I am so confused right now. I cannot make sense of this situation. It is hard to remain in this confusion and not know what step to take

Confused Gives me the ability to understand other people’s confusion and the willingness to seek clarity for my own beliefs

Devastated Helps me connect with my deepest core pain and my wounded inner child and to learn how to nurture them safely in grown up ways