Best Fake Coverage in Auburn Best Fake Coverage in Auburn

chr[ ]nicle mount baker middle school, auburn, washington may 2014 volume IV, issue 4

[t h e canine ]

The end of the school year is quickly approaching and the end of the dreaded MSP testing has marked an

important milestone in the beginning of summer.

While The Canine Chronicle neglected to publish an April edition, we hope to combine timely news from the

months of April and May to make up for said negli-

gence. Thus, topics such as the recent eighth grade DC trip, a review on the recent school play, and other

topics relevant to April will be prevalent.

That being said, other topics relevant to May will be reported on, including but not limited to features con-

cerning MSP testing and a preview of the Seattle Mari-

ner’s season. Furthermore, while we are quite aware that it is May,

we have collectively decided to continue the tradition

of publishing an edition in the image of April Fool’s day. Thus, over half of this edition will be full of fake news.

The Canine Chronicle has also decided to include a

plastic eye-patch with the likeness of martial arts and

internet phenomenon Chuck Norris in this edition for you, our readers. The Canine Chronicle staff would like

for you to take this token and take a picture with it and

submit your picture to The Canine Chronicle. Some of these pictures may be included in the next edition, and

will be printed for all to see.

We hope that everyone is confident in their testing scores, and wishes to remind you that summer is

closer than it may seem.

In the tradition of springtime sports, we will also be publishing an extensive analysis of the Mariner’s sea-

son.

Seattle sports team fans can only hope that the Mariner’s will have as much luck as the Seahawks did

and make it to the World Series.

This is our second to last edition, and we hope that you take advantage of the end of the school year and

pack as much fun as you can into it before summer.

staff Editors Hope Addison

Aaron Baker

Hailey Bragg

Alyssa Ferry

Jalen Forward

Ryan Hess

Reporters Destany Abellera

Jasmine Dang

Maddie Feeney

Miranda Fernandez

Daelyn Haws

Kamalvir Jhajj

Byron Kidder

Evelin Laris

Brandon Lockhart

Gobindroop Mann

Anna Maracich

Reporters Harrison Maurus

Brenden McGraw

Emily Miles

Kenny Miller

Zulma Morales

Conner Pitlick

Colby Pretz

Katie Ruppert

Isaiah Thissel

Jaimie Vital

Tashana Williams

Technical Support Aaron Cowan

Jay Kemp

Vicki Reifert

Adviser

Peter Warring

mission: The MBMS Journalism 8 class produced this limited-voice newspaper

with intent to ethically report events accurately, without bias. As a public forum for

students, all decisions made on content are made under the guidance of the adviser,

with intent to uphold students’ First Amendment rights.

The opinions presented in articles are provided to represent the views and per-

spectives of students and individuals in our diverse student population, not necessar-

ily the whole of the adviser, faculty, and administrators. Any material that would

cause a disruption to the educational process like libel, invasion of privacy, or

copyright infringement will not be published. The Canine Chronicle is produced using Microsoft Publisher. Photographs not taken

by students have been utilized through a Creative Commons and Microsoft license.

School portraits are licensed though Dorian Photography.

DISCLAIMER: This edition is meant to primarily focus humorous satire of

current events and school issues. Consider all material after page 12 a work of

fiction.

inside this issue: Teacher Feature 4

DC Trip 6

‘Divergent’ Review 8

Mariners Start Fast, Struggle 9

‘Music Man, Jr.’ Review 10

HUMOR EDITION 12 Pferdkopf Twins Succeed 13

Lost Plane Crash Investigation 14

Before They Were Teachers 16

Locker to Narnia Found 18

Selfies Cause Paralysis 21

20 for 20: MBMS Legends 22

20 for 20: Knitting Team 24

Arts & Entertainment 28

What Grinds My Gears 29

COVER PHOTO: In this humorously edited photo

illustration, newly-signed running back Morgin

Freemin motivates his teammates with his elo-

quent, dramatic narration at Seahorse practice.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY B. MCGRAW

MT. BAKER MIDDLE SCHOOL

620 37TH STREET SE

AUBURN, WASHINGTON 98002

[ 2 * table of contents * volume iv, issue 5 ]

PHOTO BY E. MILES

It’s that time of year again as our school prepares to test our thinking skills on the MSP and EOC’s. All grades will be taking the Reading and Math MSPs, but

the seventh grade will take the Writing MSP and eighth grade will take the Science MSP. Algebra and Geometry students will take the EOC, or End-Of-

Course Exam. Many students are dedicated to earning good grades on standardized tests

because they want their grades to reflect well on their reputation in the fu-ture.

“[Testing is important because] the school and teachers know our abilities and know what to teach us,” eighth grade Geometry student Jonathan Tran

said. Seventh and eighth grade language arts teacher Mrs. Carstens does think

that standardized tests are beneficial to student learning and success, but she

has another opinion as well. “It’s important for students to show what they know, but I think the amount

of tests are too much,” Carstens said. This seems to be true considering that we take many tests that go to the

state government, including the MSP, MAPS, EOC, CBA, and the district writing assessments. Although these may seem like a lot, they are made to enhance

our learning by helping us work on weaker skills. Standardized tests like the MSP can also be very stressful to students, espe-

cially if they are worried about their score. “During testing I feel sometimes nervous [but] after testing I feel either

good like I passed the test or the opposite,” seventh grader Symone Bolden

said. Even though many of the students at Mt. Baker are honest about tests that

are as important such as the MSP, there is always a possibility that someone might cheat.

“[I haven’t caught anyone cheating] yet, but I sit in the front of the room and watch [students’] eyes to make sure they are not wandering. I also remind

them to keep their eyes on their own test,” algebra teacher Mr. Knighton said. Many teachers know how stressful these tests are so they try to plan les-

sons that aren’t too difficult for students. Students’ brains after testing are “fried”, as many teachers tend to say. Mr. Knighton said that he tried to plan

games like Jeopardy or scavenger hunts; games that will still help students learn, but do not require taking notes or doing homework.

Even though most students don’t know what to expect on the standardized tests, it is still helpful to review some of the topics you’ve covered in class.

According to the Auburn Reporter, “Auburn schools achieved increases in reading and literacy across grade levels, which includes testing in grades 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8 and 10. Scores not only improved over last year but also soared above the state average—in some cases by more than 25 percent.”

[ may 2014 * news & features * 3 ]

Daelyn Haws & Tashana Williams

Testing Schedule MSP April 29-May7 Math, Reading, Grades 6-8

Writing, Science

MAP May 25-June 11 Math, Reading Grades 6-8

EOC June 3-5 Algebra, Geometry Grades 7-8

MAP 2 June 10 Algebra, Geometry Grades 7-8

OH June 11 Orlean Hannah Math Grades 6-7

Alg., Geo. Readiness

This is one of the packets used to prepare students for testing. There is usually one packet for

each test. PHOTO BY D. HAWS AND T. WILLIAMS

[ 4 * news & features * volume iv, issue 4 ]

What do your teachers have to say about important issues...other stuff? Jalen Forward & Hailey Bragg

If instead of clothing you had thick fur, which

type of animal fur would you want it to be?

Mrs. Carstens (CC): Bird feathers.

Mr. Char (JAC): Ewok. Mr. Carter (JC): I would want the water repellant,

thick fur of a South American Albino Grizzly Bear.

If you were Obama what would your favorite

song be? CC: Neil Diamond “Forever In Blue Jeans”.

JAC: “Let It Go”. JC: My favorite song would be “The Pretender” by

Jackson Browne.

If your feet had to turn into tiny versions of an

animal, which animal would you choose? CC: Platypus.

JAC: Gecko, for its wall climbing abilities.

JC: I would choose penguin feet and strut my bad self down the halls.

What was your favorite

hairstyle when you

were a kid? CC: Split down the

middle and feath-ered, DON’T LAUGH!

It rocked.

JAC: Mullet. JC: I had a beautiful

flowing mullet well into junior high.

If you could be any mystical creature what

would you be?

CC: Liger.

JAC: Kracken. JC: I am not sure about “Mystical” creatures

unless unicorns, Care Bears, Bigfoot, and Loch-ness. I would be Nessie.

If you could make your own school what would

it be called?

CC: School of High Maintenance. JAC: School of Rock.

JC: My school would be called “YMAYWBA Institute of Learning” (You Mess Around, You Won’t Be

Around).

If you had to eat a live animal what would you

eat?

CC: Chicken. JAC: Komodo dragon.

JC: Oysters. #done.

What mythical creature would you choose

to have? CC: Unicorn, no they poop too much. A

Dragon. JAC: Kraken, so I could shout “release the

Kraken” when I got mad.

JC: A Mormo, a vampiric creature who bit bad children.

What Divergent factor would you be in? CC: Erudite.

JAC: ? JC: Erudite (The Intelligent).

If a penguin walked through your door with a

sombrero what would it say and why is it here? CC: It would say, “Ohio Gaziumus! Hello my name is

Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!”

JAC: It would say, “Release the Kraken, por favor!”, “wait, why am I here?”

JC: “Howdy Partners! Did I miss the Wild West?” The Sombrero was a souvenir from his stops in

Central America.

What is your spirit animal?

CC: Crow.

JAC: Kraken. JC: Red Tail Hawk.

Which song describes your mood at the beg-

ging/end of the day?

CC: Sarah Bareilles “Brave”. JAC: “Help!” by Lennon/McCartney.

JC: Beginning “This Little Light of Mine” – Addison Road, End “Stay” - Jackson Browne.

PHOTO BY J. FORWARD & H. ADDISON

[ 4 * news & features * volume iv, issue 5 ]

[ may 2014 * news & features * 5 ]

May

Locker

Lottery

Maddie Feeney, Jaimie Vital, Zulma Morales

Locker Lottery was created as a way to feature

students’ opinions at MBMS. They are selected

completely at random, like the lottery. Two stu-

dents were interviewed from each grade, one

boy and one girl for Locker Lottery. The sixth

graders were Drew Bates and Angela Aganus.

The seventh graders were Peyton Scheschy and

Talia Samelson. The eighth graders are Benjamin

Geisen and Megan Child.

What do you think happened to the missing plane? AA: [It’s] really sad because their families expect

them [to be home].

TS: I think it went somewhere it’s not supposed to go to.

BG: Aliens took it. MC: I think it was a terrorist attack.

What was your opinion of the play’s kiss? DB: They did it well, but it’s not much of a big deal.

PS: I don’t know, funny.

TS: A lot of people overreacted. They were like, “you’re dating”.

How do you feel about Divergent being turned

into a movie?

DB: Since I’ve read the entire series before the movie

came out, I feel really happy about it. PS: I never read the book, so I don’t know.

TS: I loved the book and it’s good that Divergent got

turned into a movie because I want it to get as much popularity as The Hunger Games.

MC: The movie was disappointing. I think it should have been better.

What was the worst movie you’ve ever seen? DB: Coraline. I didn’t like it at all.

AA: Scary Movie 2. PS: The People Under the Stairs. MC: Precious. It was horrible.

How would you describe your ideal vacation? AA: Relaxing in the sun.

TS: A relaxing long vacation, while relaxing in the sun

with lots of pools and with family and friends. BG: A five month vacation doing nothing.

MC: Staying up, in a cabin, and going on a boat.

What are the characteristics you would like your

partner to have?

AA: Tall, athletic, kind, has to like all my friends, and someone who is romantic.

PS: Funny and cute. TS: To be loyal, to be fun around you, and to make you

feel comfortable.

How do you celebrate Easter?

DB: [I] don’t do much, my aunt sends us cards AA: [I] spend time with family, celebrate Grandma’s

birthday.

TS: I go to church with my family, and then we head to our grandparents to have a big meal.

MC: My family opens baskets and afterwards we just

sleep for the rest of the day.

Who is your celebrity crush?

DB: Jennifer Lawrence. AA: J Trainum.

PS: Ariana Grande. BG: Emma Watson.

Who is your favorite artist? DB: Jennifer Lawrence.

TS: Lorde and Ingrid Michelson. Also, Ellie Gouldling.

BG: Robin Williams. MC: 3 Days Grace.

What grinds your gears? AA: People who don’t match their clothes and animal

abuse. PS: Interviewers.

TS: The same music the band plays at pep assemblies.

BG: Everyone. People irritate me.

What is the weirdest thing you found in the lost

and found? DB: One sock.

AA: A phone.

PS: A pair of undies. MC: A carrot.

Over spring break, about 50 eighth grade stu-

dents from Mt. Baker accompanied Mrs. Durham

on a trip to our nation’s capitol. Kids from North

Tapps and Rainier also joined the Mt. Baker

group.

Spending a period of five days in Washington

D.C., these students were given the opportunity

to view some of the most important places in

American history. Those locations include our

capitol, Mount Vernon, Monticello, and Arlington

National Cemetery.

Mount Vernon was the home of our first presi-

dent, George Washington.

Monticello was the mountaintop home of Tho-

mas Jefferson, our third president and author of

the Declaration of Independence.

Arlington National Cemetery is the final resting

place for our nation’s soldiers who died in com-

bat. The cemetery is also the home of the Tomb

of the Unknown Soldier. Soldiers who have died,

but cannot be identified are placed here. This

tomb is constantly defended by the Honor Guard.

They visited a few museums, including the

Crime and Punishment, National History, and Air

and Space.

The Crime and Punishment Museum informs

visitors about the history of crime and law en-

forcement. The National History Museum gives a

detailed look into our past as a species as well

as other historic landmarks in our evolution

through time. The Air and Space Museum reviews

the accomplishments of humankind through the

creation of flight and the space race.

Also, the group toured the Pentagon Memorial,

the Holocaust Memorial, and the World War II

Memorial.

The Pentagon memorial is a tribute to the lives

lost during 9/11. The Holocaust memorial re-

members the multitude of lives that were taken

during this horrible period of history. The World

War II Memorial is for the men and women who

lost their lives during World War II.

However, due to the large amount of money

required for this excursion, many students were

discouraged from going.

“I would have gone if [the trip] was less expen-

sive,” Jonathan Tran said.

Mrs. Durham is holding an informational meet-

ing for parents of interested students on May 14.

MBMS Students Explore Capitol Ryan Hess

[ 6 * news & features * volume iv, issue 5 ]

D.C. Trip Students Lay

Arlington

Wreath Brandon Lockhart

The laying of the wreath is a ceremony that has been

going on for years; this ceremony is to honor the tomb of

unknown soldiers from the past wars.

The burial ground has a sarcophagus that was placed

above the tomb of the unknown soldier from WWI. It’s

sculpted with three Greek figures that represent peace,

victory, and valor.

It’s where the presidents or someone picked by him lays

the wreath to mark the national observance of Veterans

Day, Memorial May, or some other type of occasion.

This started March 4, 1921 when Congress approved the

burial of an unidentified American soldier from WWI.

A few students were asked questions about how they

felt when they were picked, why they wanted to do it.

“I felt very privileged and I wanted to lay the wreath

because I wanted to respect the soldiers who fought for

our country,” Hailey Bragg said , who represented MBMS

in laying the wreath.

“I felt privileged and extremely happy when I got picked,

and because it would be a great honor and a once in a

lifetime opportunity,” Victoria Cegielski said .

A few other students got asked how they would feel if

they were laying the wreath and if they would do it.

“Yes, it would have been a great honor,” Jarren Diolata

said.

Nicole Naimo said, “Maybe, and I would of felt very nerv-

ous.”

This means that it’s a really honorable and a happy

moment to lay the wreath and to watch it.

To be able to lay the wreath you have to write an essay

about why you deserve to lay the wreath. If you were

picked, you had dress classy and sophisticated. If you’re

not dressed appropriately they would switch you out with

another person. Students enter Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson. PHOTO BY M. JOHNSON

COURTESY OF A. DURHAM

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[ may 2014 * sports * 7 ]

The last couple of years the Mariners have not been the best. Every year, hopeful fans think things

will get better but they never do. Could this year be different?

“Considering they are missing three out of their five good players, they are young, and haven’t been

hitting well. The M’s have been doing okay,” school counselor and baseball coach Mr. Vatne said.

The M’s have been off to a fair start with a first series sweep against the Angels. Felix Hernandez

(better known as the King or King Felix) pitched in the Mariners first game and win of the season.

Hernandez isn’t the only star shining bright.

Another fan favorite is Robinson Cano. The M’s acquired Cano from the Yankees in the off-season for

a $240 million ten year contract. He is said to be one of the best second base men in all of baseball and

has made a great new edition to the team. It seems every year is the same; the Mariners start

off well then everything goes downhill. They were off to a hot start like they do every year, and then losing

becomes a factor. “I just hope they can have a winning season,” Vatne

said.

One of the biggest problems the team has is their pitching, and the M’s don’t have the money to buy new

pitchers. “If the ownership would put some money in, that

would be a start for them to improve,” Vatne agreed. All Mariners fans want their team to win the World

Series, but sometimes they just don’t have the talent to do so. This year the M’s have the potential to do so

if the team would be consistent. Without a doubt the M’s fans will always be loyal, no

matter what happens. But many agree it’s the Mari-ner’s time to win it all. Out of all the years that they

have been a Major League Baseball team they haven’t won the World Series.

It seems every year the Mariner’s are the laughing stalk of the league and fans hope that this year will

be different. Sadly so far, it doesn’t look like their luck will change. The M’s were recently on an eight

game losing streak, but snapped that streak with a 5-3 win against the Astros on April 23.

Every sports fan wants their team to be in the

running for the championship, but there can only be one team and this year it doesn’t look like the Mari-

ners are going to be that team. The M’s are young so they will be in the running for

the next couple of seasons and they could win the World Series within a couple of years.

The Mariners are Seattle’s home team and fans will continue to support them, through wins and losses

alike.

King Felix works his magic in 10-3 win over the Anaheim Angels. PHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES VIA THE CREATIVE COMMONS

LICENSE

Start Fast, Struggle Lately

Conner Pitlick & Kenny Miller

“Fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up.” –Four (Theo James).

Veronica Roth saw her bestselling book turn into a hit movie around some parts of the world, com-

ing alive into a minor sensation. According to many people, this movie was said to

be a definite watch, and worth it, while others ab-solutely disliked it.

The movie starts off with Tris (Shailene Woodley) sitting down while her mother cuts her hair and

puts it into a bun, then letting her look in the mir-ror for about thirty seconds. It is the rule in their

faction that they can’t look at their reflection for

too long. The next day, Tris (Shailene Woodley) goes to her aptitude test, which would tell her what

“faction” she should choose. In their society, they have five factions, Erudite,

the ones who are knowledgeable. Abnegation, the ones who are selfless. Dauntless, who are the

fearless. Candor, who are the honest. And Amity, who are the peaceful. And the factionless, that

don’t belong. Tris (Shailene Woodley) was born into Abnega-

tion, but because she is old enough, she will make

her decision on what she wants to become for the rest of her life at the choosing ceremony. Once

chosen, there is no going back.

At the aptitude test, she is told that she is “divergent”. Being a divergent is dangerous. It is

where you are all factions, and you think differently than anyone, and no one can control you. No fac-

tion wants the Divergent, because they are a threat, and if discovered, they are killed.

At the choosing ceremony, Tris’s brother leaves his faction, Abnegation, and chooses to be Erudite,

while Tris (Shailene Woodley) becomes a part of the Dauntless faction.

“Shailene Woodley was my favorite actor from the movie, because she had a very good part in the

movie,” a seventh grader Kyleigh Westburg said.

The films story was understandable if you read the book before, but if you didn’t, it was quite con-

fusing for some people. Some of the confusion was about what exactly the factions were. It would’ve

been easier if you knew the background of the movie, before going and watching it.

Sixth grader, Jimena Rosales said one of her favorite scenes was, “when they are playing the

capture the flag game.” The story almost went along with the book, but

not exactly, there were quite a lot of parts missing.

I thought that the parts that were missing were quite important. Almost all the death scenes were

gone, and some parts were changed around, which made it confusing if you had read the book.

“I would rate the movie a seven out of ten [ten being best, one being worst], because it wasn’t

very true to the book,” eighth grader Ashleigh Wilson said.

The special effects were quite strong, and seemed real. One part in the movie could’ve been

better, and it was the zip-lining part, the special effects weren’t quite strong at that part.

Some students disagreed with this, “I liked the zip-lining scene, because it was cool to see how

they portrayed it,” eighth grader Emily Morrow

said. This movie could relate to the Hunger Games,

because all the factions relate to the districts. And they’re both set in dystopian worlds.

“My favorite part of the movie was when at the end Tris (Shailene Woodley) stopped the Dauntless

soldiers, because it stopped them from killing eve-ryone,” seventh grader Zareah Barren said.

While we wait for the second movie in the series, Insurgent, coming out next year in March, we can

all anticipate and hope for it to be better than this

movie, and more true to the book.

[ 8 * arts & entertainment * volume iv, issue 5 ]

Kamalvir Jhajj

The budget of Divergent was estimated to be about 85 million and was said to have made about 54 million on opening weekend on March 21, 2014, In USA. COURTESY OF

GOOGLE.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

Roth’s young adult novel hits big screen

[ may 2014 * arts & entertainment * 9 ]

MAY

HOROSCOPES Colby Pretz

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Muf-

fins, the downfall of the donut

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) Hi, the

root of all drama

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19) Shoe-

laces, the root of falling on your

face

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Puppies,

melting your heart in seconds

Gemini (May 21-June 20) The

Twins, restless, gossipy, evasive,

nervous and tense, sarcastic, fickle,

two-faced, nosy, cheap, flighty, non-

committal, indecisive, quickly bored,

manipulative, irritable, quarrelsome.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) Krabs

revolt, no more Krabby Patties,

down with The Kusty Krab!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Firefighters,

watch out, you’ll get hosed.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Water

makes up approximately 65 percent

of your body.

Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22) Rock, get

up and dance, your music’s on.

Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21) Fat

Pony, a new accessory for My Little

Pony

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21)

Hairspray, creating hair into human

fly traps

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Pumpkin, you’ll always have your

carriage right outside your door,

but be careful, your time’s up at

midnight.

MSP Readiness With the end of the year quickly approaching, testing seems more and more frequent. One

of the major tests that occur during this time is the MSP. It stands for Measurement of

Student Progress and tests in reading, writing, math, and/or science based on your class

over a two week span. Was the MSP stressful for you?

Books into Movies It’s a common thing for a book to become a movie in this day and age. Some movies rep-

resent the books well while others often fall flat. Overall, many films are different from

books and often leave important details out, causing a stir of controversy. We tend to

gravitate more towards the action packed adaptations but there will always be those hor-

rible versions. No matter what, books becoming movies will continue to happen. Do you

like it when a book becomes a movie?

Selfie Madness This new craze has taken over the world; no matter where you are you can be a victim. A

selfie is a self photograph typically taken with a handheld digital device. Over 1 million

selfies are taken each day. Are you overly irritated with selfies?

Heartbleed Bug An error was recently found in the OpenSSL encrypting code. This error, if properly ex-ploited, can compromise up to three-quarters of the information on the internet. Are you

worried about your sensitive information, such as bank statements, social security num-bers, and passwords to websites like Facebook and Twitter being stolen?

Jews Forced to Register A splinter group of the Russian government has been forcing Jewish people to register,

thus showing that they are Jewish on all legal records. Should people be forced to regis-

ter as their religion?

School Play The annual school play was performed on April 2 and 3. Since then, controversy has arisen over the infamous kissing scene. Has the hype gone too far?

The Canine Chronicle Staff

Debates Pop

Culture Trends Jasmine Dang & Aaron

[ 10 * arts & entertainment * volume iv, issue 5 ]

School Play Captivates Audiences Aaron Baker

As with April, the annual school play has come and gone. As usual, Mr. Char did not fail to amaze audiences

with his wonderful reproduction of The Music Man Jr. The play follows Harold Hill (Thomas Marchant), a con man who wishes to rob the people of River City, Iowa,

by selling them uniforms

to make a boy’s band. However, Hill intends to

skip town

as soon as he col-

lects his

cash. Before

Hill can

do so, he

falls

in love

with Marian Paroo (Talia Samuelson and Mackenna Webb). Now being pursued by angry townspeople who

have realized his scheme, Hill pleads his case and de-

cides that his love for Marian is greater than his love for money and everyone lives happily ever after.

While the play followed a blatant Disney-esque script

(and overall every event in the play was predictable from the second the curtain rose), the performance of

the actors was absolutely fantastic.

The most astounding performances were given by Marchant, Samuelson, and Webb. Their singing skills

were absolutely off the charts and added a degree of

jubilance and energy to the play. “The singing was really great,” seventh grader

Mackenna Price said.

Even the minor roles were casted perfectly. “My favorite role was Josh Hales [as a policeman],”

seventh grader Abus Ahmed said, “He was very funny.”

My only issue with the play is that most of the spoken dialogue was inaudible. The actors had an annoying

tendency to speed through their lines, so I found myself constantly guessing as to where the plot was going.

This lack of corrigibility only got worse throughout

the play, and eventually most actors seemed to be speaking some sort of foreign language.

This problem was only exacerbated by the micro-

phone equipment attached to the actors, which would have worked had the actors not essentially wrapped

their mouth over the equipment.

It is abundantly clear that the actors just became too good at their parts, enough that they knew their lines

so well that using enunciation seemed irrelevant.

Overall, the play was fantastic. I feel that enunciation would have made the story line clearer, but since most

of the story was told through singing anyway, enuncia-

tion ended up as a minor nuisance at worst. I can only imagine what wonderful production Mr,

Char will put on next year.

Marchant stunned audiences with his natural charisma and choreography skills. PHOTO BY H. BRAGG

[ may 2014 * arts & entertainment * 11 ]

Even at 9 a.m., the gasps, shouts, and whistles were

prominent during The Music Man Jr.’s first showing.

Although many of them were to applaud the abilities

of the actors onstage, the majority seemed to be during

the kissing scene between the characters Harold Hill

and Marian Paroo.

While many students handled the sight well, others

had concerns that either the kiss wasn’t middle school

appropriate, or that it was hypocritical (undermining

school rules for the sake of the dramtic arts).

“I don’t understand why they can kiss in front of the

whole school, and other people can’t kiss in front of a

few friends,” eighth grader Tannar Larson said.

PDA is more so of an issue at the high school level

than the middle school level, but cases do happen. When

situations do occur, school rules are implemented.

When asked whether or not the kiss affected their day

following the play, answers varied.

“It was just a play; [my friends and I] talked about

how people would talk about it later,” seventh grader

Hailey Cruz said.

After the first infraction of a public display of affec-

tion and a teacher write up, the consequence is an

after school detention; however, the on-stage kiss did

not seem to cause worry among administrative staff.

Questions have arisen as to whether or not this kiss

was school acceptable.

Seeing as it was in an un-realistic setting, it’s under-

standable as to why this was passed off as an occur-

rence that did not have to follow the normal school

rules.

“It’s okay because it’s theater. At school during the

school day, [PDA is] bad, but [the kiss] was part of the

play,” seventh grader Delaney Rogers said.

Mr. Char, the drama director, has put on many mar-

velous plays. Some feature an intimate scene and oth-

ers do not. The question continues to stand as to

whether or not the kiss was needed, and if it should be

cut out of future productions. The kiss that captivated almost an entire school took place so

dramatically that the theater erupted in shouts. PHOTO BY H. BRAGG

Play PDA Causes Uproar Alyssa Ferry

According to actors, the play provided an opportunity for hard work masked in play. Students enjoyed their experience in front of the crowd and back stage, where the real characters shined. PHOTO BY H.

BRAGG

Despite it now being the middle of May, The Canine Chronicle has decided

to follow its annual “April Fools Edition” tradition.

Jokes and comedy rely heavily on the element of surprise and unexpect-

edness. HA! It’s May! Who expected that?

While The Canine Chronicle has always been devoted to reporting facts as

objectively and accurately as is possible, and we have always printed re-

tractions when our errors have been realized, we have decided that having

a bit of fun with you, as our audience, can only lead to laughter and good

times, Thus, we will proceed as such.

We are essentially turning the rest of the

edi- tion

from

this

point for-

ward into fake

news, created entirely for

human interest and

humor.

As such, nothing

you read in this

edition from this

page forward

should be trusted

as factual.

While we encour-

age you to enjoy this

“faux news” at its fullest extent, we also wish to remind you that we con-

sider ourselves a normally reputable source of information. By publishing

this edition, we wish to in no way tarnish our reputation.

All names used in this edition (with the exception of people who have spe-

cifically allowed using their real name, which includes reporter’s names in

the bylines of any given article) from this point forward are fictitious. Any

resemblances these names bear to real people, places, or products are

completely coincidental.

That being said, we have attempted to quote real people accurately.

Although some facts are accurate, The Canine Chronicle has chosen to

present them in a manner that puts them in a satire perspective,

(Satire means using humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to

expose and criticize people's vices, particularly in the con-

text of contemporary politics and other topical issues).

We understand that we are an entire month late, but

the staff hopes you will continue to laugh at the bi-

zarre articles found here.

The Canine Chronicle wishes you to have a bit of

fun from this point on, and hopes that you will

enjoy reading the articles as much as

the staff enjoyed writing them.

WARNING:WARNING:WARNING: Some Stories May Be Some Stories May Be Some Stories May Be Based on REAL FactsBased on REAL FactsBased on REAL Facts

[ 12 * fake spotlight * volume iv, issue 5 ]

T h e C an in e C h r o n i c l eT h e C an in e C h r o n i c l eT h e C an in e C h r o n i c l e

PHTOO BY OF K.RUPPERT

The rare outcome of mutations has affected Mt. Baker Middle School’s newest set of twins. Kayla

and Josef Pferdkopf, both being born with the head of a horse, moved to Auburn to train for 2016’s

Olympics held in Rio de Janeiro. This birth defect is known as Zelweger

Kreutzfeldt-Yakob Glooming Syndrome, and is ex-tremely rare.

The twins will be attempting to defend their gold medal in three-legged races, break dancing, and

competitive knitting. Despite the twins’ genetic disorder, they have

made substantial contributions to Mt. Baker’s aca-

demic and athletic success. Kayla received a first place prize in the school’s

mathematics competition, while Josef set a new high jump record, soaring 7 feet 9 inches.

“I’m so glad to be part of this fantastic school, Josef and I get an ideal amount of support from

this school during our training months,” eighth grader Kayla Pferdkopf said.

The twins first got interested in sports at age 4 when they watched the 2004 Olympics in Athens.

“My inspiration for becoming an Olympic athlete

was Pally Searsons. She inspired me to never give up my dreams,” Kayla said.

“To be honest, I was interested in becoming an Olympian because Kayla’s interests inspire me to

do the same things,” Josef said. The twins support each other at every game.

Despite the many stares, the twins always applaud for each other like no one else is watching.

Although they are inseparable now, Josef re-ceived a scholarship to Hogwarts University due to

his wicked Quidditch skills and will be leaving in

September to attend the magical school. In order to keep up their athletic abilities, the

twins are set on a strict diet. “Our diet to stay fit consists of apples, alfalfa,

Triple Crowns high-energy horse grains, and rain-bow colored carrots. These foods help us keep a

consistent metabolism and don’t make us crash in the middle of a competition,” Josef said.

Scientists tested the twin’s metabolism com-pared to a normal human.

“Statistics show that Kayla and Josef Pferdkopf have a higher metabolism rate by over 33 percent

compared to the average human,” Wyvernham’s top medical scientist, Betty Joe, said.

Many arguments arose as to if the twins should be allowed to compete in the 2016 Olympic games.

This argument was brought to court; the twins still disagree, saying disabled people have competed in

the Olympics before.

“If we are disqualified from the Olympics we will

be competing in 2018’s International Equestrian

Games,” the twins agreed.

Embrace Differences, Success Anna Maracich & Katie Ruppert

[ may 2014 * fake news & features * 13 ]

The Pferdkopf twins make the most of their situation everyday by working on their talents. PHTOO BY OF K.RUPPERT

[ 14 * fake news & features * volume iv, issue 5 ]

Plane Crash, Not Like the Movies Anna Maracich

The mocking jay echoed in the distance, the dome col-

lapsed and the blazing sun leaked upon Katniss’s face. She

caught a glimpse of the Malaysian Flight MH370 and knew

that the odds were in her favor.

Peeta Mellark boarded flight MH370 on Friday afternoon to

visit his family in District 3. The Malaysian airport reported

that they lost track of the plane on their monitors at about

6:24 Saturday evening. The plane had taken a steep drop to

about 10,000 feet near the capitol, and then disappeared

from the monitors.

Cameras also showed that aboard the plane was Finnick

Odair from District 4, Plutarch Heavensbee, the Head Game-

maker, and Haymitch Abernathy, former Hunger Games

winner, mentoring District 12.

Odair, Heavensbee, Abernathy, and Mellark were reported

to hijack flight MH370 and then released all other passen-

gers throughout the Golden Coast.

“I was found by a little girl; she said her name was Ellaw-

ind, I had fallen from such great heights the injuries were

unbearable and I had passed out moments later. When I

woke up I was covered in glitter and Katie Peri was next to

me.” Nya Creez said.

The plane was filmed breaking into the cracked Hunger

Games arena spotlighting Katniss’s body. A rousing claw

sheltered her body and hauled it into the hijacked MH370

Malaysian flight.

The film was immediately turned into the police by witness

Kelsey Palzmer.

“While filming, my heart was racing in my skin tight jeans;

this video was definitely not part of my teenage dream.”

Palzmer said.

The case is still being investigated; they are holding Peeta

at the capitol guarded by a dark horse. He had taken all

responsibility for this misconduct insuring that Katniss was

the one that got away. The original route of the Malaysian MH370 plane went awry after the plane lost connection with the

Malaysian airport. PHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES VIA THE CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

March eighth was the day people all around the

world tuned in to the news. When the Boeing MH370

plane went missing, theories went berserk.

The facts are pouring in from many major news

companies.

According to BVX News, the plane was most likely

sucked into a black hole off the coast of Australia.

Aboard this plane was Katie Peri, who was perform-

ing her media filled concert on the top of the plane.

“It’s like she was walking on air, and then she

jumped off with her tie-dye parachute and the sky

lit up like a firework!” bystander Isis Kalie said.

A scientifically advanced camera has been sent

through by Malaysian scientists to capture where

this black hole leads, but the high definition photos

take longer to develop than those of a normal cam-

era.

“We’re getting these photos and they’re helping

not only to find the plane, but also figure out where

black holes may be leading into space,” Malaysian

scientist Keri Jerne said.

Many people are mourning the loss of loved ones;

having no contact with the passengers aboard for

such an extended period of time has been

“heartbreaking” for them.

“Actually, although I do miss him killing the spi-

ders, there’s less laundry to do. Which I’m thankful

for,” Mrs. Mellark, mother of a passenger, said.

Countries, such as Australia, have picked up

signals that could possibly give way to a real an-

swer.

“After a series of beeps, we’ve decided that they

are Morse code. The message reads, ‘The odds

were not in their favor,’ which proves to us that

Suzanne Collins’ book The Hunger Games is playing

a large part in this,” Australian sailor Agnes Hudson

said.

It’s true. Many of the images seen eerily resemble

the broken arena, crazy couture, and broken build-

ings described in Collins’ novels.

With such evidence, it’s practically a fact. It’s hard

to say whether or not everyone will believe the

evidence scientists have. Malaysia’s Prime Minister

Naomi Eryngo has not given up hope on finding the

plane

“My granddaughter was on that plane, not only do

I care for her well being, but in her possession was

my favorite book. I want it back, hopefully soon!”

Eryngo stated.

As the search continues, all theories will be taken

into consideration; although all evidence points to

the plane soaring into the black hole, and landing in

Panem.

Alyssa Ferry

Katie Peri gets sky high rating during her

Prismatic tour. She attempts a life or death situation to please audience. PHOTO ILLUS-

TRATION BY K.RUPPERT

While the power of Chuck Noris is undisputed, world domination has never been discussed by the martial

arts star. After a special election, and some resistance from

Neverland President Peter Pan, 89% of the residents

of Neverland voted to elect Noris as monarch for life. “I annexed Neverland not only because of the direct

defiance to my treaties, but also for the royalties

from Disney,” Noris said on state TV Tuesday, “I need to fund my quest to reassemble the old

Chuck Republic. And because of the decision by President Pan I found that source. My economic

advisers said that I could make millions a year.”

President Orteez addressed to United Nations, urg-ing them to make and pass a full international ban on

Neverland in everyday use.

"The goal is not to go after Mr. Noris personally. The goal is to change his calculus with respect to how the

current actions that he's engaging in could have an adverse impact on the economy of Chuck Noris over

the long haul," President Orteez said as he addressed

the UN. “With passing a full international ban on Neverland,

we could stop Noris from going down a hill from which

he will never return rebound.” The United Nations Film and Arts Council is due to

vote on a bill sometime next week. Ambassador James Hook, Neverland diplomat to

Chuck Noris, started it all when in meetings with Noris

when he spread rumors that President Peter Pan would side with the west and Hollywood on film piracy.

“I want to make it clear that if President Pan would side with the west on the issue of piracy it would be

disastrous to the country of Neverland,” Noris said at the G-15 summit two months ago.

Then right before the invasion Mr. Noris said, ”Ambassador Hook has made it clear to me that

President Pan has reached a

conclusion on the Film Piracy Act Re-

newal before

the UN. His

consensus is to

vote for the bill, therefore severing

all ties with Noris.” Ambassador Hook has

became rather disgusted by

Neverland in recent months. He has also been friends with Noris since childhood. This event could have

given him leverage to destroy Neverland and take the presidency for himself.

“I did not make those statements at all! My shadow is always getting me into all sorts of trouble,” Presi-

dent Pan stated to Neverland after the invasion.” This is one of those times. I have not reached a conclusion

on the FPAR on the UN floor at the current time.”

After being asked if he had his eyes set on other mystical lands by Edward Snowman at the press con-

ference Tuesday, Chuck said that he “had had no

current want nor need for other fairy tale lands.”

The realm of Middle Earth and Wonderland may be under fire

in the future due to Noris’ ambi-

tions.

[ may 2014 * fake news & features * 15 ]

Noris Annexes Neverland Byron Kidder

We want to publish your pictures! DIRECTIONS: Take an appropriate picture of yourself or a

friend with this amazing pirate-themed, Hook-

supporting, novelty Chuck eye patch. Send it to us at...

pwarring@auburn.wednet.edu. We may publish it in

our June Edition.

Please don’t disrupt your classes.

Noris asserts his dominance over Hook after the Neverland

ambassador questions his capability of ruling the world. Outbursts like this one have plagued his him during his two

careers— in politics and being awesome. PHOTO ILLUSTRA-

TION BY W. MANTOOTH

[ 16 * fake news & features * volume iv, issue 5 ]

Ms. Levernez

Dean of Students The well-recognized face of the Ger-

ber baby has been roaming these halls

as one of our new administrators. Ms. Leverenz has been hiding her past,

embarrassed to admit she was re-placed because of her age.

“We think 23 is a little old to continue in the baby food business, considering

the fact that she could be a mom.” Gerber CEO Strain P. Gregor said. Although she confessed that she is no longer as recognizable, her secret life

hasn’t fooled anyone. “I made about $300 per commercial that aired if I was in that particular com-

mercial.” Leverenz said. Not only was she attracted to the profit, baby male models were roaming

everywhere she looked

“I did not have an official secret romance, but the Charmin baby model was pretty cute.” Leverenz blushed.

With her secret revealed she has been getting several requests for auto-graphs and photos. She thought she could ditch the media when she came to

Baker, yet her well-known past will follow her everywhere.

Mr. Lewis

Assistant Principal

We all know that the vice

principal of this school is Mr. Lewis. He is really tall

and bald and he used to be a teacher at Lakeland Hills

Elementary School, but do you know what he did before he became a teacher?

It turns out that Mr. Lewis was previously an amateur rollerblading limbo contestant in the year of 1987 in Seattle, Washington.

When he was a young boy, Mr. Lewis would skate underneath 26 cars in 46 seconds. He would do this by doing the splits underneath the cars while roller-

blading. He found this unusual passion when his father got him rollerblades for the first time when he was 12 years old.

Mr. Lewis was leisurely skating around the house when he slipped and his

legs did the splits. He enjoyed being able to do the splits, so he decided to enter the National Rollerblading Limbo Competition and won gold.

Mr. King

Physical Education Most students at Mt.Baker know one

of our P.E teachers, Mr. King. How-

ever, very few know what Mr. King did before he became the Mt.Baker Physi-

cal Education teacher. Back in the ‘80s, Mr. King was a part

of the legendary rapping group called The Kingzzz. Formally known as Mr.

$ugar King K Face, Mr. King made his way up the rapping chain. His first

album that was sent to the public was

entitled, “Protect the Crown”. Entertainers enjoy many parts of

their job, and King was no different. “[My favorite thing about being a rapper was] taking my shirt off,” King said.

One must wonder why Mr. King gave up his dream job of a shirtless rapper to become the Mt.Baker P.E teacher.

“There was too much money, paparazzi, and various groupies.” said King. Next time you see Mr. King in the halls, give him some credit for being one of

the best rappers in the state.

Mr. Kemp

Computer Applications Have you ver wonder what com-

puter applications teacher Mr. Kemp

did before he was a Mt. Baker Middle

School teacher?

Mr. Kemp immigrated to the U.S. 20 years

ago from Antarctica. Before his immigration, he

and fellow athlete Brandon Meems were on the

Antarctica men’s synchronized dive team. The 1984

Turkmenistan Olympic Games were the only games

that the Antarctica team ever competed in.

They were vying for the gold but sadly took silver instead. Mr. Kemp and Mr. Meems

were also the only people on the Antarctica team - ever.

With the subzero water temperatures and massive chunks of ice floating in the water

the area was deemed too dangerous to have a diving team.

Mr. Kemp and Mr. Meems went on to join the Djibouti synchronized swimming team.

Again their sense of a suitable location to have a water-based sport was lacking. Dji-

bouti is mainly a rocky and dry desert.

Mr. Kemp decided to be a teacher after he realized that his dreams of ever having

successful water based sports team in a weird ,unknown country were not to be real-

ized. No one knows what happened to Mr. Meems.

Truth Revealed about Baker Staffs’ Previous CarriersTruth Revealed about Baker Staffs’ Previous Carriers

Anna Maracich, Katie Ruppert, Jaimie Vital, Harrison Maurus

ALL PHOTO ILUSTRATIONS BY K.RUPPERT

COURTESY OF J. CARTER

[ may 2014 * fake news & features * 17 ]

If you’ve ever felt hungry or tired during the school

day, then the new elective is perfect for you. Introduc-

ing the brand new Bulldog Time S.N.A.C.K.S and N.A.P.S

electives, set aside as a whole period per day.

S.N.A.C.K.S. stands for “Scheduled National Academic

Collection of Kalories for Students” and N.A.P.S. for

“National Academic Performance of Sleep”.

These new electives were specially designed to help

students through the day by giving them a separate

class period to sleep and eat.

This elective was established by Naomi Mertin, a

professor at the University of RA, also known as the

University of Random Acronyms.

“After monitoring middle school-aged student’s

performances when they had an extra hour of sleeping

and eating, I decided that teens would earn better

grades if they had a while to rest. Middle schools often

tend to start too early as it is,” Mertin said.

Professor Mertin talked to the administrators at Mt.

Baker, who reported having way too many sleep-

deprived and hungry students, she helped work

through students’ schedules to make the new Bulldog

Time.

MBMS started Bulldog Time at the beginning of the

2012-2013 school year, but it soon ended because it

was more work on the teachers and provided less time

for students to learn.

Brandon Mozaleen, a seventh grader at MBMS, gave

his opinion on the new Bulldog Time.

“I love it! It gives every student an opportunity to

catch up on lost sleep, and you don’t even have to earn

it. This is definitely going at the top of my list of favor-

ite classes,” Mozaleen said.

Rosie Hernt agreed that the S.N.A.C.K. time would be

beneficial to students.

“I never seem to get enough food during breakfast. I

usually eat at home and at school, but I’m still hungry

afterwards. Then I get in trouble at home because I

didn’t finish my lunch. Well, I never have enough time

to eat it! Now I can bring all the food I want without

worrying about running out of time,” eighth grader

Rosie Hernt said.

Some students also expressed they want to feel

young again, like they were in kindergarten and pre-

school, because it was mainly play and easy work. Now

everyone can embrace their inner child once more.

The S.N.A.C.K.S. and N.A.P.S. period is set up to pro-

vide a comfortable, younger, environment for students

to rest. Every room is equipped with yoga or carpet

mats, goldfish snacks, animal crackers, water, and

apple juice boxes.

For now, staff members are trying to monitor and

survey the liking and disliking of this elective by stu-

dents. Later this quarter, the staff will have a meeting

to decide whether or not we will keep this rest period.

New Electives Offered N.A.P.S., S.N.A.C.K.S. provide new class options

Daelyn Haws, Tashana Williams,

New Elective

Drama Miranda Fernandez

Are you dramatic? Do you like giving your opinion and being

stubborn? Then you belong in the new “Drama” elective middle

school offers!

Mt. Baker Middle School’s original drama elective is all about

memorizing scripts, acting, and presenting, but this new drama

elective is all about having a big mouth. Every single day,

there’s drama.

You miss one day, and it’s as if a war started three murder

scenes, school bombing, and teacher protests for unequal pay.

This new drama elective will help you be sassier and bring out

your inner bubbly personality. It will also make your social life

expand.

Everyone will think you’re the most flamboyant girl/or boy in

the universe! With your participation in this new drama elective,

you’ll be able to get out your emotions. But it will only be avail-

able for fourth and sixth period.

When Mr. Wonderwoman, was asked how he thought a Drama

elective can help, he said, "The Drama elective will resolve

problems between all the people, I know, and won't fight for

little things."

Don't let people discourage you for not being popular, just

wait until your both in this class and have fun by "talking" (more

like arguing with them).

Your life will be happier. For all those who are sick of drama,

join the elective to take your anger out on the person that gave

you awkward moments.

There’s going to be a new teacher called Mr. Dramatique. He

loves drama and he’s French. Mr. Dramatique will show you how

too love drama in another point of view.

But when Mrs. Captain-America was asked what she thinks of

a Drama Elective, she said, "It won't help at all since there is

too much drama, plus, it will be very annoying."

Obviously, there is going to be haters! But according to statis-

tics 75 percent like the idea of a Drama Elective and 25 percent

don't at all.

Remember, when there’s drama, bring it to the Drama Elective;

we will settle it the way it should be... which is by being sassy! Students enjoy their new sleeping opportunity and they value it greatly. Many students hope this period will stay in effect all year.

PHOTO BY D.HAWS AND T.WILLIAMS

OMG! Well Duuuuuuuuhhh! PHOTO BY M. FERNANDEZ

[ 18 * fake news & features * volume iv, issue 5 ]

Students Students

Missing, Missing,

Aslan Aslan

SuspectedSuspected

It seems that by the end of the school year classes

begin to feel smaller, classrooms are quieter, hallways

are less crowed, and teachers stress levels are low.

You might think the cause is hallway loitering, sick

days, and never ending vacations, however, there have

been numerous accounts of faun and centaur sightings,

in the teachers’ lounge especially. There is only one

explanation…there must be a locker to Narnia.

There have many reports of student trying to fit in

their lockers. Could this be a sign? A sign of Narnia?

“I think students are getting hairier, like really hairy,”

sixth grader Tiggy Rumblebuffin said.

These aren’t just regular students with a need to

shave but mystical creatures from a dimension beyond

our own. Teachers are even starting to notice unusual

changes in student behavior.

“My students haven’t been the same, always neighing

and snorting every few minutes. It’s like they’re ani-

mals!” Ms. Pevensie, the newest health teacher, said.

The real question is, where are all the real students

going? And where are the extra-hairy, neighing students

coming from?

If you haven’t heard of Narnia, C.S. Lewis created the

well-known series The Chronicles of Narnia between the

1940s-1950s. The land of Narnia was later discovered by

Dr. Nalsa in 2004.

Elijah Morvis, eighth grader, has been seen trying to fit

into her locker on many different occasions. She re-

fused to speak about the matter.

This suspicious behavior from many students has lead

to the conclusion that Narnia is in fact real, and there is

proof. In the 9 ¾ hallway, students have been making

too much ruckus trying to push their carts through the

lockers. (Wait, wrong story.) Kids have actually been

entering a locker in the 9 ¾ and not just any locker, the

locker of P. Sherman, locker 42.

You can imagine the Sherman’s immense surprise

when he opened his locker to find the inside blanketed in

snow, tiny mythical creatures running around every-

where, with Miles Calico as their king.

“As much as I love my privacy, I’ve let it go. I’m not

going to let the lack of privacy hold me back [from my

shyness] anymore,” Sherman stated.

Although there have been many facts and theories,

they have all been proved wrong. Aslan, of Narnia, has

been luring children into the locker with Turkish delight,

and is suspected to be “the mane mouser”, or the main

reason students are leaving school for Narnia.

Hope Addison & Emily Miles

Aslan (above) calls students to join him in Narnia in P. Sherman’s locker. Mr. Tumnus (below) hides from the strange children that

keep showing up and asking him questions. COURTESY OF H. ADDISON VIA PINTEREST

[ may 2014 * fake news & features * 19 ]

Daelyn Haws & Tashana Williams

Almost everyone knows about Hogwarts, the

school of Witch Craft and Wizardry in Britain, but

has anyone heard of someone from MBMS attending the school?

Horse-headed twin Josef Pferkodpf [see page 13] was accepted recently to this magical school, hav-

ing the acceptance letter delivered from a half-

giant named Rubeus Hagrid. Pferkodpf was shocked when this huge man

showed up in his first period class. Accompanying Mr. Hagrid was an older man with a long beard and

half moon glasses, named Albus Dumbledore, also known as Professor Dumbledore.

“I was rather surprised that I qualified [as a wiz-

ard]. I noticed some things here and there when I got mad, like my scar hurting, but always thought of

it as a coincidence,” Pferkodpf said. Hogwarts has four houses, Gryffindor known for

their braveness and strength, Slytherin known for their slickness and Moody-ness, Ravenclaw known

for their smarts and cleverness, and Hufflepuff

known for their teamwork. According to the minister from the Ministry of

Magic, Gryffindor is the most desired house. “Is it ron that I don’t want to be in Gryffindor?”

Pferkodpf asked. “But Siriusly now, let’s not be riddikulus. It would

be rather Lestrange if you are chosen as a wizard

and not want to be in Gryffindor,” Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Professor Lupin said.

Pferkodpf also asked how he would be selected into the houses. The Slamoshavilla Soo

(Parseltongue), also known as the Sorting Hat. After the news was announced to his parents Lara

and Joss Pferkodpf reacted a lot differently from Josef.

“I was very happy to know that my son is a wiz-

ard! I still can’t Snape out of the shock considering

he comes from, at least what Harris says, Muggle

family,” Mrs. Pferkodpf said. “When Harvey told us,

he was literally Weasly-ing.” It took some convincing to get Pferkodpf to Krum,

but Professor Dumbledore gave the final shove. “I didn’t want to go originally, but the more

[Professor Dumbledore] explained the concept to

me, the more I wanted to go.” Pferkodpf mentioned.

When the day finally came, Professor Dumbledore

came and dementor-strated some of the ways to

get in contact with his parents such as the Floo Network, and sending mail by owl.

Now, Pferkodpf is living in Britain at the Hogwarts School with his new friends, Hermione Granger, Ron

Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Leville Nong-

bottom and his arch nemesis Draco Malfoy.

Student Accepted to PrestigiousStudent Accepted to PrestigiousStudent Accepted to Prestigious

Pferkodpf looks forward to the new Hogwarts traditions. He is even looking forward to playing Quidditch. PHOTO ILLISTRATION BY D.

HAWS AND T. WILLIAMS.

[ 20 * fake news & features * volume iv, issue 5 ]

From the creators of Brand Drops comes Teacher Drops. They’re the

biggest invention to hit the market

since the BrainyBot. Brand Drops are the “world’s first

branded aromatic rain” and is a “biotechnological marketing” tool that

injects customized scents into rain

droplets to create a “multisensory brand experience.”

This alternative, known as Teacher

Drops, is the branded aromatic rain bottled up but of those smells from

teachers that you know and love.

“This is the best invention I’ve ever heard of, I can’t wait to go out and buy

my favorite scents,” eighth grader

Miley Silver said. The purpose of this product is to give

you the opportunity to receive these

familiar aromas within your household versus the restriction of just at school.

Some of the scents offered are coffee, mint, ink, pencil shavings, and morning

breath.

“I have mixed feelings about this. It sounds unique and maybe something I

might want to try, but on the other

hand, I can't think of a use that will make this product worthwhile,” sev-

enth grader Cecil Cruise stated.

Using Teacher Drops is fairly simple. All you have to do is apply the drops to

a desired area and 'Voliá!' The fra-

grance will soon fill the air. “I don't know who came up with this

creation, but it is kind of absurd. Who

in their right mind would want to pur-chase this item?” sixth grader Liam

Magri said. Despite Magri's opinion, many are

fond of Teacher Drops. Therefore you

should try this item out before making your final opinion on the product.

Whether you personally enjoy

Teacher Drops or not, they're in high demand. These drops can be pur-

chased at any local store near you,

and are available in an assortment of scents. So pick yours up today before

they sell out!

What are the What are the

strangest strangest

items items

left behind?left behind? Evelin Laris

Students Addicted to New Teachers’ Scent Jasmine Dang

Teacher Drops are

the latest and great-est item. You can't

go anywhere without

hearing about them.

They are trending on

every social media

platform and have already sold over 2

million bottles.

PHOTO BY J. DANG

“It’s strange…really strange”, detective Hoof states.

According to many witnesses, strange and mysterious

items have been found lately in the local city lost and

found.

“I couldn’t believe what I found last week”, local super-

market cashier stated. “I found a pair of dentures, and

believe it or not, they even fit me!”

Many other reports have followed since the pair of

dentures was found, prosthetic legs, shark teeth, and

many more!

“It’s one those cases that you just got to sit back, relax,

and really think about it”, a detective stated during in an

interview.

The first finding was the pair of dentures, which striked

the world, but then, a year passed and the next finding

was a prosthetic leg!

“I couldn’t imagine what I was looking at, I was so

shocked!” Lucy Parker said, owner of a robotics store.

Following the dentures, the prosthetic leg arrived, but

even more mysterious was the next finding, shark teeth!

Believe it or not, these mysteries are surely mysterious.

“It’s real mystery stuff going on here…real mystery”,

stated detective Hoof.

After all the mysterious findings, no other case has been

reported similar to these findings, but hopefully, there

won’t be anymore.

“I think after the items I’ve investigated, I’ll be prepared

for any other traumatic personals found in the local lost

and found.

“After finding all these items we can now assure it has

become an epidemic because all these items were found

in less than a two year period and on the very last Friday

of every month”, according to head detective Steeler.

As to today, none of the items have been “actually”

claimed. The only people who have only come to try to

claim these items were asked to describe them; humor-

ously, none of them guessed correctly!

“If anyone knows any information, they should make a

report to their local police”, Detective Hoof said.

Dentures, prosthetic legs, and shark teeth find-

ings were some of the few that community mem-

bers have seen in the local lost and found. An

epidemic has started after the first finding, which

then led to a whole new line of discoveries. COUR-

TESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS

Everywhere you go, you see people taking selfies.

This trend has become so popular that T.V. stations

have been holding contests for the best submitted

selfie.

Do these people realize the danger that is just a click

away?

Local hospitals are reporting an overwhelming ur-

gency to inform citizens of the dangers of taking sel-

fies.

Many hospitals have reported that in the last several

months there has been an 85 percent increase of

patients admitting themselves with selfie paralysis.

“I couldn’t believe it, my arm became stiff out in

front of me like I was talking to my hand,” sixth grader

Stan Stanmenson said.

Hospital officials said they are seeing a rise in the

treatment of people between the ages of 9-17, with

most of these needing an overnight stay at the hospi-

tal.

“After spending the day taking selfies, my arm and

hand just stayed in that weird position,” seventh

grader Sarah Stevens said.

“I had a very hard time getting my phone out of my

hand,” eighth grader Marvin Manning said.

“It was really scary and my mom had to take me to

the emergency room.”

Research has shown that this has become a nation-

wide problem with many hospitals across the nation

reporting similar cases.

The U.S. Department of Health is looking into the

matter to see if putting restrictions on phones to

prevent people from taking selfies is needed.

“With so many people across this country being

affected by this paralysis,” Dr. Yuno, head of paralysis

at the University of Selfinflict, emphasized.

We all like to take pictures of ourselves, but with this

current trend of paralysis maybe we all should step

back and think twice before we take that next selfie.

“Many of my constituents and I believe there needs

to be something done before it morphs into epidemic

proportions,” Dr. Yuno said.

A local boy experienced paralysis after taking a selfie. The

phone was still stuck in boys hand. COURTIESY OF NYDAILY-NEWS.COM

South Auburn Schools

Formats

Factions Destany Abellera

In one to two years, be ready to be asked a life

changing question about cereal and milk.

Over this past month, the South Auburn School

District has decided to change all schools into a

faction-organized system. It will include all students

from elementary school up until college.

“The staff and I had thought of our brilliant idea of

sectioning specific students together after watching

Divergent only seven times. We thought the whole

plan through so everything will fit together and be

ready by next year,” said school board leader, Jones

Smith, now known as Four after a recent name

change.

Each specific faction has one evident trait that

they are known for. Naughts are people who don’t

eat cereal, Unevens are people who like more milk

than cereal in their bowl, Ill-matched are people

who like less milk than cereal in their bowl, and

Dittos are people who have an even ratio of milk to

cereal. The school district will be testing each stu-

dent individually by how they eat this morning meal.

“I’m excited to try out the factions, I’m almost

positive I’ll make it into the nine faction, but just to

be safe from now on I’m going to put three cups of

milk and three cups of cereal in my bowl to ensure

an even ratio,” sixth grader Leona Spreece said.

After completing grade eight, whichever faction

you are in will decide what high school you will be

attending. Every student will carry on with their

faction through high school until graduation.

“I heard that each high school is going to have an

initiation. I’m sort of scared. I hope we don’t have to

do something crazy like jump off trains or run a lot,”

seventh grader Ram Barder said .

So far, the Auburn School District haven been the

only schools that have tried out the new system but

it is rumored that the whole nation will soon be split

in factions.

Hospitals Overflowing with

Colby Pretz

Fractions (WHOOPS! Factions) will be tested on June 31 by being

put in a cereal bowl, I mean by eating from a cereal bowl and being assigned to a group. My apologies for the picture, I found

it on the back of a cereal box. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY K. RUP-

PERT

[ may 2014 * fake news & features * 21 ]

[ 22 * fake 20 for 20 * volume iv, issue 5 ]

The Hot Lab It has recently came to the attention of the MBMS

students that the computer lab has become exces-sively hot in the spring and extremely cold in the

winter. The truth has recently been discovered. Through tough investigation and long nights with

loads of paperwork, Mark Knight (with a hard K) discovered why the lab is so extreme when it

comes to temperatures; it’s the government. “Doze big ole bullies are a taking over da school,”

Mark Knight (with a hard K) concluded. These government agents have one purpose for

these experiments, to find out which one of us

students are the mentally toughest and most fit for the government’s new line of “Super Soldiers.”

In an interview with the one of the Super Soldiers leaders, we asked what the soldiers would be used

for. The response was horrifying. “If we told you, we would have to…well, you know

the rest,” the leader responded.

The Mysterious Bump MBMS recently filed a complaint to the district

office because of problems with students who have tripped on a daily basis since the school first

opened. The problem was simple, a bump next to the

library door. The bump was made from the hand of former principal Gordon Dowse.

This was discovered by sixth grader Mitchell Fitzle who discovered the hand while wearing his x-

ray goggles after class. The body was later re-buried in the place that

Principal Gordon was remembered most, in his

office. “I’m infuriated that anyone would such a thing to

my husband. Someone could have tripped and got-ten hurt,” Gordon’s wife said.

P.R.I.D.E Stick Origin The P.R.I.D.E stick, where did it come from and who

brought it here?

In a nutshell, it came from the distant planet of Glacti-

con. Its purpose for being here is to brainwash us and

the alien XRI-09726 brought it here as a peace offering.

In an interview with this alien he stated

“Bdho buh dock lah toh mah goali sdo” XRI-09726 said.

The P.R.I.D.E stick is the only thing that keeps our

planet intact, because if we were to get rid of it our

planet would fall to the immense power of the Glacti-

conions.

The stick was brought here when the school first

opened because the Glacticonions sensed great power

in our school.

It was a little too powerful for our younger pupils.

Have you noticed sixth graders going berserk when they

get to touch the P.R.I.D.E stick but when eighth graders

hold it they would rather not?

It’s because the aura of power in the stick is far too

strong for the miniscule brainpower of the sixth grade

mind, but when they mature, they come to their senses

and realize there is nothing great about holding a stick.

What you don’t know about the history of MBMSWhat you don’t know about the history of MBMS Gobindroop Mann

Miracia Fredaniz attempts to stay cool in the lab with

extreme temperatures. PHOTO BY G. MANN.

Brecken MacGrew trips over the mysterious bump next

to library. PHOTO BY G. MANN. Alien XRI-09726 waving goodbye after giving peace offering.

PHOTO COURTESY OF FLiCKR VIA THE CREATIVE COMMONS

LICENSE.

Since the beginning of time, human-

ity has pondered upon three ques-

tions. Why is the computer lab so hot,

why is a mysterious bump in the car-

pet outside the library, and where did

the P.R.I.D.E stick come from? The

reveling of the following secret sto-

ries of Mt. Baker Middle School, human

kind will be able to rest in peace again.

[ may 2014 * fake 20 for 20 * 23 ]

Despite our planner strictly prohibiting both rollerblades and beepers 20 years ago,

students at our school were facing severe consequences for rollerblading on school

grounds and using beepers during class.

‘It’s was really starting to become an issue” eighth grade science teacher Mrs.

Chandler said, “I couldn’t get through a single lesson without confiscating a beeper”.

Now, 20 years later, the hallway madness is making its way back with an epidemic of

rollerblades and beepers.

“The hallways are the worst!” said seventh grader Despair Madison.

All students have their heads ducked down, eyes glued on their beepers.

Grade levels have respected the rule banning roller blades, except the eighth grade.

Roller blading eighth graders have collided with 24 sixth graders just this semester,

leaving 10 with minor injuries and three in the hospital.

Seventh graders have found alternate routes to their classrooms sometimes sprint-

ing to the other side of the school to avoid eighth graders.

“Every day, I leave Mr. Moon’s room and go out the double doors at

the end of the 600 hall,” seventh grader Troy Brawn shared. “I sprint

around the school to the 500 hallway entrance. It’s a hassle, but I

haven’t been hit in three weeks!”

The eighth grade boys have created a system of points for trampling

younger students, titled the P.R.I.D.E Wall (People Resisting Important

Discipline Everyday). You can find this posted on the boys bathroom wall. Ten points

for hitting seventh graders, five for hitting a sixth grader. Currently in the lead is

Nelaj Backward, with a whopping total of 135 point.

“We’ve suspended 13 boys for having their names on the P.R.I.D.E Wall, but they keep

coming back to defend their title,” sixth grade teacher Mr. Footoot, said.

After countless hours of discussions this issue at the staff meeting, the teachers

finally came to the conclusion they thought would be simplest and most efficient-

clean the boys’ bathroom, removing all traces of the P.R.I.D.E Wall.

The consequences of cleaning the wall were much more severe than anyone could

have predicted. The custodian was found lying unconscious in the hallway, with roller-

blade tracks across her arms and legs. She only suffered minor bruises and it ap-

pears she only passed out from the shock of the attack. She claims that she has no

memory of the encounter.

“I am disgusted by the actions of my peers,” eighth grader, Crystal App shared.

Help us end the constant fear that theses younger students live in. take action

against rollerblading in school. Put your beepers away. Only you can make a differ-

ence. Let’s not have a repeat of history.

Sixth graders, (from left to right) Javon Forward, Sam Erickson, Chris Guerra, and Aaron McCurdy duck from the horrifying

eighth graders. Keep your eyes open for the P.R.I.D.E. boys. PHOTO BY H. ADDISON

Old Rules,

New

Problems

Hope Addison & Emily Miles

[ 24 * fake sports 20 for 20 * volume iv, issue 5 ]

In what activity are you most competitive?

“Hi chuba de naga, Sie batha ne

beechee?

STEPHEN GREEDO

eighth grade

“I love belly-flopping into mud

with duckface!”

HERMIONE BOOFER

seventh grade

“Activities? Ain’t nobody got time for

that. I’ve got bronchitis!”

HILLARY BRONCHITIS

sixth grade

“It takes more muscles to frown than

to smile. What can I say? I am addicted

to fitness.”

MR. KNIGHTON

math teacher

Mt. Baker has a long history of sports that were bad ideas in its 20 year history.

Among these were competitive Twister, Standing Still, Leapfrog and Competitive Knit-

ting. True, these may not sound extremely interesting now; and they weren’t any more

interesting then. That brings up the question of who came up with these horrible ideas

for sports. The world may never know.

Although Standing Still might be considered the world’s worst sport by people with

ADHD, competitive knitting was loathed by most every student in the Auburn School

District. The Knitting team was formed in 1995 by sixth grade Home Economics teacher

Mrs. Crochet.

Competitors would start with three skeins of multicolored yarn. They would then have

to knit one scarf and two hats. The winner would be chosen by the time it took them to

complete the scarf and hats and the number of mistakes made in the process. With four

people to a team and the speed at which the competitors knit, the competitions would

still take about five hours to finish.

Most people don’t enjoy this monotonous sport, but the few who were on the team

spent four hours a day practicing. Some may think this unnecessary, but the knitting

team was very passionate about their sport.

“I think that competitive knitting was the best sport ever,” former seventh grader

Gabrielle Morzgan said.

Former eighth grader Hassan Magnus was greatly opposed to the new sport of knit-

ting while he was attending Mt. Baker.

“Knitting was the epitome of horrible sports,” Magnus said.

The sport was only around for one school year due to the number of competitors

needing to be transported to the ER. Paramedics were on site at all times to deal with

the regular mental breakdowns caused by the repetitive patterns and the stress of the

competition.

The main reason that the sport was cancelled was the tragic death of Aiden Bafer, one

of the competitors. Aiden was retrieving another skein of yarn from the rack and broke

one of the ultimate rules, never run with knitting needles. Aiden tripped and impaled

himself in the right shoulder with his knitting needles. Eight inches of cold steel a quar-

ter inch thick went into his arm.

Immediately he was rushed off to the hospital and an emergency district meeting was

held at the hospital. They ruled unanimously that the sport of Competitive Knitting was

too dangerous and would be cancelled shortly.

Mt. Baker has had some notoriously bad competitive sports in their 20 years of exis-

tence. Let’s hope the Mt. Baker student population leaves Competitive Knitting in their

past.

In recent years at MBMS, competitive knitting made a comeback with students, due in part to the

revival of home economics. As a result, an intramural league was started for perspective knitters, supervised by eighth grade teacher Mrs. Crochet, a former college knitting champion. PHOTO ILLUS-

TRATION BY H. MAURUS

Knitting Team Struggles, Eliminated Harrison Maurus

ALL

PH

TOO

COU

RTE

SY

OF

CRE

ATIV

E C

OMM

ONS

LIC

ENSE

Disruptive Mascots Cause Change in NFL, Horses Sign Freemin

Isaiah Thissel & Brenden McGraw

Mascot Decision Recently, NFL teams have changed their names and mascots. The NFL founders felt

that the original names had been too aggressive. Therefore, Seattle’s famous Super

Bowl winning Seahawks changed to the Seattle Seahorses.

Other NFL teams have thought about changing their team names and mascots.

They’ve tried Washington Lincoln Memorials, Cincinnati Kittens, and Arizona Cacti, etc.

There have been many rejected Seattle names as well. Such as Seattle Skippers,

Seattle Washouts, Seattle Pigeons, and Seattle Rains.

“I think that Seahorses are just so cute and loveable, the name change has appealed

to more fans,” Seattle’s wide receiver Poppy Harvis said .

“The newly named teams give the colors and players a new look and spice up the

competition between rivaling teams,” Seahorses coach Cate Pergola said .

After name and uniform changes teams have been talking about their rivals and how

they will stack up to the competition.

The Denver Mini-Horses said that they’re ex-

cited to play the Seattle Seahorses first game of

the year. After a defeat to the Seattle Seahorses

in the Super Bowl, they’re out for revenge. The

Baltimore Mockingbirds are also facing the San

Francisco 40-Whiners first game of the year

during week one.

With the draft being over Seattle has lost a

player. Silver Taters has signed with the Detroit

House-Cats. The House-Cats have been rivaling

with the Cincinnati Kittens for the Top Cat of the

Week award. Practice has been rough. The Kittens

have been using new techniques such as the Cat

Claw and Fluffy Paws tackling techniques.

Seahorses have also been trying techniques.

The Swimming Horse has proved flawless in

catching and tackling opponents. With no games

until next season, practices have been more

difficult than ever.

“I am going to work my team harder than ever

and have them prepared for the season. The

Swimming Horse is a sure technique to prove

worthy of us,” Cate Pergola said .

Now that the 2013-2014 season has come to an

end, teams are preparing for the next season.

Training has intensified and games have been

scheduled. With new team players and names,

next year is going to be very eventful and exciting

season.

Freemin Signs On Tuesday, April 1, 2014, Academy Award-winning actor Morgin Freemin signed a

four-year $40 million contract with the Seattle Seahorses.

“He narrates while he runs the ball, talking defense out of hitting him. Also he will be

replacing Morgan Loing as running back,” Seahorses’ head coach Rhys Hayzes said.

The Seahorses contacted the NFL asking them if Freemin would be able to replace

the announcer by simply putting a microphone in his helmet. The NFL directors are

currently disputing over this conflict.

Freemin will be replacing George Blanda as the oldest person to ever play in the NFL.

Freemin was born June 1, 1937 making him 76 years old. Blanda only made it to 48

years old making him just over half of Freemin’s age. For every year, Freemin stays in

the NFL, he will be setting the record higher and higher.

Freemin will be the new starting running back for the Seattle Seahorses.

“He is very slow due to his advanced age, but he

has been doing great in practice. He told us that

he is going to make an attempt to talk players on

opposing teams out of hitting him, but we will only

know as soon as pre season begins,” Seahorses

offensive coordinator Cian Brazent said.

Even though Freemin may currently have the

worst stats of all players in the NFL, he is pre-

dicted to be sitting next to the league leaders by

the end of the upcoming season. Freemin is also

predicted to outrun running back Aydin Perter-

sorn.

The Seahorses belong to one of the biggest

rivalries in the NFL.

”I am very excited for our first game against

them so I can put some points on the board and

most importantly win,” Freemin said when asked

about the rivalry with the 40-Whiners .

According to Jan Colezan of ESPN, the Sea-

horses rivalry with the 40-Whiners is currently

the biggest in the NFL.

After last year’s Super Bowl win, Freemin has

set his standards high.

“I expect we are going to have another close

season with the 40-Whiners , but I believe we are

going to come out on top and go to the Super Bowl

for the second time in a row and yet again claim

victory,” Freemin said.

[ may 2014 * fake sports * 25 ]

Freemin represents team for first time at practice April 1.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATED BY B. MCGRAW

PHO

TO IL

LUS

TRAT

ED B

Y B.

MCG

RAW

David Yates’ (Happy Potter series) new film Good Night Moon will be the new block-

buster that everyone’s obsessed with by the end of summer.

Based on Margaret Wise Brown’s bestselling book, Yates will be including living and

non-living characters that will be played by America’s favorite actors and actresses.

The basic plot of the film is about saying good night to a bedroom. The movie will be

filled with action and emotion, being sure to keep the viewers on the edge of their seats

and to keep true to the book.

“With our scene, we are expected to show emotion, because we are the last to be said

goodnight to. Anne and I have decided that a one tear cry from each of our eyes will be

the most effective method to transfer all the emotion to the audience,” actor Robert

Downey Jr., staring as Noises Everywhere, said.

Not only does Yates intend to show the action and emotion of the book through the

cast, but also through the setting. Almost all of the film will be placed in a Napier green

bedroom, with close-up shots in particular places. Yates, along with world famous

production designer David Wasco, plans to alternate scenes from color to black and

white to show the personality of each item and actor.

“I believe the shifts in color will change the mood of the film from loving and fun to

dark and dangerous. It will bring out the pure literature hidden beneath each page and

scene,” Yates said.

Yates has made the decision to make his film without using any special effects, mak-

ing the actors and actresses job a little harder, being that they are playing the role of

inanimate objects. The only human character of the movie will be played by Hana Mae

Lee as the Quite Lady.

“I’m considered important because I play the only human part in the movie, but I’m also

lonely. All I have around me is a bowl of mush [Leonardo Dicaprio] and a brush [Fabio

Lanzoni],” said Lee, who is most known for her part in Pitch Not Perfect as the Quiet

Woman.

As a two hour long movie, each role will be shown in a significant amount of time,

bringing this 32-page picture book to life. Approximately all 12 parts will be on screen

for ten minutes each.

“I am confident in my role as the cow, so I love the ten minute screen time although; I

do not appreciate having to jump over Johnny Depp [Moon] for that long. I have to do

some strengthening of my legs to ensure I can clear a 5-foot-tall jump,” actor Jim

Carry said .

With Good Night Moon already being talked about and tickets being pre-ordered, the

sequel, Good Morning Sun, a David Yates original, is said to be released in 2019 and is

expected to warm the heart of the viewers.

Disclaimer: The actors mentioned in the article above have been mentioned sar-

castically. They did not actually participate in the events.

Destany Abellera

[ 26 * fake arts & entertainment * volume iv, issue 5 ]

Leonardo Dicaprio is hastily promoting his latest movie, Good Night Moon, which is said to become a

Broadway production after a recent play success in Chicago. PHOTO ILLISTATION BY D. ABELLERA

[ may 2014 * fake arts & entertainment * 27 ]

Disney's Pixar has created a worldwide phenomenon,

stringing movies together and connecting character.

One character has the answer in this version of the

Pixar Theory.

His name is Emperor Zerg; he created Allinol in the

Cars and Planes films, and Buy 'N' Large in Wall-E and

Toy Story. Zerg decided to create these brands when he

noticed how global warming was affecting his world.

It was all planned in the comfort of his home world;

Pixar Studios.

"I, Emperor Zerg have created low-cost energy effi-

cient batteries and gasoline products," Zerg said.

Emperor Zerg believed slowing down and even stop-

ping global warming may help cure the melting toys

dilemma. Worldwide, in the Disney Pixar world, toys have

been melting at a rapid pace. Recently, Toy Story’s Buzz

Lightyear has passed away. He was vacationing on a

Galapagos Island when suddenly he melted into the

pavement. Over 100 residents of the Galapagos Islands

stepped on Buzz. He suffered severe shoe scuff marks

and gum splatters.

“I miss Buzz so much,” said Woody, “I miss his little

action wings and loveable catch phrases,” said Woody

from Toy Story.

Wall-E, the robot, has also seen the harmful effect of

global warming; it caused him to be left on planet Earth

to clean and sort the garbage in search for life.

After carefully nursing a plant, he crept onto Emperor

Zerg's giant Buy 'N' Large ship. He saved human civiliza-

tion and allowed a place for them to go back. But not

after revealing a clue to Emperor Zerg’s plan.

Buzz Lightyear was also powered with Buy 'N' Large

batteries as well as the distinctive large ship that the

fleeing humans were in. Zerg has been helping slow

down the process of global warming and its harmful

effect.

This leads us to Boo from Monsters Inc. They used her

in more than one movie for expenses. She plays in Brave

as the old witch that became obsessed with finding

Sully. She was obviously a little crazy; the fumes from

the polluted air changed her brain frequency. Boo was

now a crazy witch that could time travel.

“I love Boo, if she is the one causing this entire crisis I

want her fired,” said eighth grader Maliki Zerdkcoff.

Due to Pixar’s budget cuts, Boo, Rapunzel, and many

more characters had to be reused or fired. Rapunzel is

seen walking with Flynn into the kingdom in the movie

Frozen. She is hard to find because, due to budget cuts,

she had to cut her hair. Boo is no longer a part of the

Disney Pixar Staff.

The budget cuts all lead back to global warming; Pixar

has bought all solar power electricity panels and have

been changing waste habits. This has cost millions of

dollars. Almost 15 Disney parks have been closed due to

this shortage of money.

Emperor Zerg is helping the global warming dilemma

and Disney helping out with the global energy crisis. The

global Pixar brand shall be restored to former glory.

With Boo changing history there’s no telling what lies

ahead for Disney Pixar Movies and there hidden mes-

sages. But the global warming will help us find out.

COUR

TES

Y O

F CR

EATI

VE C

OMM

ONS

Isaiah Thissel

PHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES VIA THE CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

B C T Y T T E K L S D P Q Q Y

W L V O S R X X H T U G I A T

W V N K I W G E Z Q M L M Z D

T Z O Q Z D E H T A B K O A O

S Y R W G K I J W E E R O L V

J Y D W Y K S K U Y G L V P I

T N N Z R E H N U Z O F O O L

O U Z P L G M O J O K K X E O

E L B I L L U G R J E L X J K

Z Q G R U S W D P A J Z G K I

B K U X R W W Q T A L Z L V R

M X A O S S I X E C F J T U U

R Z A X J B M O N P B M W F J

F C S T Y L C M F N K F J K F

R K Y U S I I H I J Z J G P P

Pixar Word Search

Theory

Woody

Buzz

Disney

Zero

Monsters Buy ‘N’ Large

Pixar

Boo

Wall-E

Zerg

Rapunzel

Sully

Brave

Global

Warming

Lightyear

Galapagos

Zerdckoff

Flynn

Environment

[ 28 * fake mbms barks * volume iv, issue 5 ]

Stuff Things

It's no shock that stuff is more popular with the students here at Baker, male and

female. Everyone knows that things are so out.

Just think about it. If you were given the choice to have stuff or things, you would

pick stuff. No one wants things anymore, that was so 2013. If you chose things, bless

your heart.

"I use [stuff] more than things," seventh grader Jose Mendoza said. I think this is

true for everyone, not just students at Baker.

Statistics show that last year 73 percentof American teenagers preferred things,

and last year dropped to 32 percent. Things are out, and stuff is in.

Laptops Lemonade

When given the choice between laptops and lemonade, a majority of our students

chose laptops. This could be because laptops are highly entertaining and also a way to

connect with friends, while lemonade is simply a beverage commonly made by opti-

mists.

However, I believe that these results are not because of a love for laptops, but a

hatred for lemonade. I suspect that the true reason behind this is that lemonade is

pure evil. Lemonade is made from lemons, and lemons are the acidic tears of baby

naked mole rats. When life hands you lemons, you throw them back as fast as you can.

You don’t need that evil in your life.

Math homework Having lemon

juice poured into

paper cuts

We've all heard students complain about having large amounts of homework, math in

particular, but we never knew how much they hated it until the results from our sur-

veys came back.

The students here at Baker would rather have lemon juice poured into paper cuts

than complete a night of math homework. Think about that. They would prefer a form

of mild torture over approximately fifty math problems.

Baker students have their minds in the right place, making the logical choice. I'd be

concerned if they chose math. You know the saying, when life hands you lemons, pour

them into your paper cuts.

Concussions What was I saying?

Almost all the students said that they did not prefer concussions. This is nothing to

joke about, concussions are very serious.

Teens who have suffered from a concussion often feel slowed down, have concentra-

tion issues on long lists, headaches, impaired vision, nausea, issues remembering

things, sensitivity to light and noise (Are you still concentrating?), trouble balancing,

low energy, are emotional and moody, overly sad, and suffer a number of other de-

fects.

Teenage athletes sustain 29 percent of all sports related concussions.

We understand that concussions are very serious, and… wait, what was I saying?

Trends to Talk About at MBMS Hailey Bragg

Three classes provided their opinions on popular trends sweeping through Mt. Baker. Students were given an option of two choices for each trend. The Chronicle staff provided the commentary, dividing results by gender.

What

GRINDS My

GEARS

Gobindroop Mann, Miranda Fernandez, Evelin Laris. Ryan Hess

Disagree? The segment ‘What Grinds My Gears’ is

presented as opinion and does not express the views

of all MBMS students or The Canine Chronicle. If you

would like to express your opinion, write us a letter,

and you may be published in our next edition.

You know what grinds my gears? ”Socking”. It is

so immature and uncalled for to pull down some-one’s new Nike socks not only because it looks

stupid but also because the person who is wearing

the socks most likely spent a whole 10 minutes

putting up their socks perfectly.

It’s like doing your hair for 10 minutes and going to school looking your best, only to have some hooligan

ruffle your hair because he thinks it makes him/her

look cool. Not only that but the people who finally

received their new $12 socks won’t wear them

anymore because they don’t want to go through the annoyance of pulling up their socks over and over

again.

My advice for “sockers”? GET A LIFE! You aren’t

going to become popular or anything because you

annoy a person to the point that they want to rip

your face off! Think about what you’re doing; you are pulling down someone’s socks because you think it’s

funny. That’s as dumb as “flat-tiring” someone in the

hallways.

THANKFULLY most teach-

ers came to their senses and assigned lunch deten-

tions to the buffoons who

were socking each other.

Hopefully this fad will stop

soon.

–Gobindroop Mann

Do you know what really grinds my gears? When

people chew with their mouth open! Can you just close your mouth and chew… it’s not that difficult?!

Don’t even get me started on how it sounds; I

mean seriously, do you have any manners?!

Especially when people in the lunchroom think they

are all cool by eating with their mouth open while teasing their friends. It’s just plain GROSS when you

do that, at least put your hand on top of your mouth

so we don’t see any of that stuff.

If it’s gum, cereal, chips, mash potatoes, pizza

(okay, I’m going to stop because we're grossing ourselves out), please don’t. I mean we are glad you

are enjoying it, but we would all prefer to neither

hear it, nor see it.

Also, when people call you and they are eating, I

don’t know about you, but my stomach gets very

queasy. When I was little, my mother would always stress

on telling me to chew with my mouth closed. Even

though when people tell them to stop they don't or

get automatically mad.

That's why when I’m with my friends,

no one eats with their

mouths open in lunch.

Beware when I’m

around!

-Miranda Fernandez

Do you know what really grinds my gears? Pro-

crastinators.

Like seriously,

are you unable

to finish your

work on time? Come on! It’s

not that difficult

to do people?!

Like when you

have to turn in a book report.

For example, and the teacher says, “If we have

100% completion, you will have Friday’s 30 minutes

left of class for free time,”, there’s always two or

four people who slack off and don’t finish what they

start! Also, there always that kid that never turns in his

work on time but then eventually is ACTUALLY doing

it like a whole month later?! Seriously people, you’re

killing me, you’re really killing me!

Whatever, I have other things to do instead of yapping all day of the stupidity of slackers; I’ll finish

tomorrow, or maybe the next day?!

That’s what grinds my gears.

-Evelin Laris

Do you want to know what grinds my gears? FLYING

squirrels. These creatures are abominations of nature. They’re supposed to be land animals, but

they can FLY!

Not only are these monstrosities as evil as normal

squirrels, but they now have the power to hunt you

while in the air. They are the perfect aerial assault squad.

While taking a nice stroll in the woods, your day

would be ruined by these unnatural beasts. They

would bombard your head with giant peanuts. While

trying to escape, you would only be confronted by another furry demon.

They will capture you and force you to reveal the

locations of every nut on earth. The squirrel army

will keep you hostage until they are satisfied with

your contributions to their society.

They will let you go free as a peace offering to the world. However, once you are free, they will start

their rampage. The planet will watch as they take

control of the world. There is nothing we can do to

stop them.

That, my fellow humans,

is what grinds

my gears.

—Ryan Hess

All g

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[ may 2014 * real mbms barks * 29 ]

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