04.06.12 VOLUME 10 ISSUE 25

SWIMMING IN SWAGAdult Swim Carnival Tour

gives out free stuff.

THE BREAKFAST GRUB

+ IN THIS ISSUE

Where to eat that first meal of the day you forgot about.

HAPPY HUNGER GAMESMOVE talks to the executive

producer of The Hunger Games.

T H E K E Y T O Y O U R E N T E R T A I N M E N T

MOVE

THE LOST ART OF GETTING YOUR BUTT OUT OF BED P.2

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE

MOVE • 04.06.12 2

EATS

dylan chapman

REEL TALK

movie columnist

Jason (Adam Scott) and Julie (Jennifer Westfeldt) think the world has been having and raising kids the wrong way pretty much since the beginning of time, and the problem might not be what you think. It’s marriage. And if not marriage, then at least love. According to these lifelong Manhattan friends, the biggest reason why childbearing causes so much conflict, difficulty and stress is that it is more often than not done by a pair of people madly in love. Hm. That’s certainly a controversial thesis, but look at Jason and Julie’s sources, and you’d be hard-pressed to disagree with their thought process.

During the course of four years they’ve seen their four best friends, the couples Ben and Missy (John Hamm and Kristen Wiig) and Alex and Leslie (Chris O’Dowd and Maya Rudolph), turn from hip, carefree and amorous urbanites into bitter, over-stressed and under-sexed mothers and fathers. Jason and Julie have seen firsthand the way that the introduction of a child into a relationship can suck out the romance and leave in its place resentment and disappointment, and that’s not a future either of them wants. There has to be a better way, they think. And so, naturally, they decide to have a kid together, as friends, nothing more and nothing less.

In this way, “Friends With Kids” takes the stale genre of the romantic comedy and ups the ante by turning it into something of a social experiment. There are some seriously interesting and vital questions being raised here by Westfeldt (who wrote and directed this feature in addition to starring in it), which is enough to raise it to a level of substance well above most of the cotton candy fare that usually makes up this genre. What is love, really? Is platonic love less special, or less valuable, than romantic love? How much experimentation and innovation is allowed when a human life is at stake? These, and more, are the kind of questions that your average Katherine Heigl movie would skirt around in favor of baby poop jokes and sexual innuendos, and so it is impressive and refreshing that Westfeldt works to address these questions directly. Unfortunately, she loses her way a bit when it gets time to answer them.

At the beginning of Jason and Julie’s childbearing experiment, things go swimmingly, much to the astonishment of their skeptical friends. Unburdened by sexual desire or romantic expectations, the friends are able to focus solely on parenting and maintain their san-ity. And later, as Jason and Julie begin successfully dating again — Jason with a lithe and independent dancer (Megan Fox) and Julie with a dependable, divorced father (Edward Burns) — the film begins to look like it could really be shaping up to be a thoughtful and unique defense of unconventional, but no less effective, family setups. But then, suddenly, it isn’t.

Either Westfeldt got confused about her own message or she was scared into submission by the family values police. In any case, the film takes a turn in the last third that unfor-tunately undoes much of the work done in the first two, effectively turning what could have been an interesting new take on families into something much more generic and been-there-done-that.

And it really is a shame, because the necessary parts are there. The supporting cast shines, at times wildly hilarious, at times pain-fully serious, but always genuine and honest. The dialogue is fast and witty, funny and real. The setting, New York, is as beautiful and emblematic as always. Yes, all the necessary parts to make up a good movie are there. Except one, the most important one. Balls. If only Westfeldt could have taken the risk to go that one extra step in the direction of the new, and didn’t backpedal into the realm of the usual, this movie could have been something great.

Which ultimately begs the question: Which is worse, a movie that almost goes “there” and stops short, or a movie that never even tries. I’d like to answer the latter, and I’d like to celebrate ambition even if it’s unfulfilled, but it’s undeniable that the disap-pointment and frustration I felt as I left the theater were deeper and more sad than anything a Katherine Heigl movie could ever make me feel.

3 OUT OF 5 STARS

“The early bird gets the worm.” “Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy,

wealthy and wise.” “Get your ass out of bed before you miss school again

and have to work at Burger King for the rest of your life.” There are plenty of good reasons to keep your hand

off the snooze button in the morning.Yet it seems like Morning Person (homo real earlius) is an

endangered species in the Collegiate Period. Why can’t we get out of bed? And, more important, just what exactly are

we missing out on? Grapefruit juice? Pilates? Hoda Kotb?Well, it’s funny that “morning” just happens to share

a pronunciation with “mourning,” because, personally, that’s exactly the state I’m in every time my alarm goes off. Therefore, I’m obviously not the one to lecture you on the pros of getting up and at ‘em in the a.m. So, I assembled my crack team of morning-goers to do it for me.

So get your butt outta bed and start reading already!As for me? Just five more minutes...

‘Friends With Kids’ but without risk

Breakfast:And I said, “What about breakfast at Café Berlin?”» jamie hunyor | reporter

There’s only one reason to get out of bed before noon and that reason is breakfast. Breakfast is the perfect cure for heartbreak, a hangover, failing a midterm or getting a terrible grade on that eight-page paper. Columbia has four reasons to get up before noon: Café Berlin, Lucy’s Corner Café, Ernie’s Café and Steak House and Broadway Diner.

CAFÉ BERLIN220 N. TENTH ST.

LUCY'S CORNER CAFÉ 522 EAST BROADWAY

ERNIE'S CAFÉ AND STEAK HOUSE 1005 EAST WALNUT ST.

BROADWAY DINER 22 SOUTH FOURTH ST.

Easily the best of Columbia’s breakfast (that’s saying something because they’re all awesome), Café Berlin is also the hippest in town. They serve organic foods along with plenty of vegan options. A lot of the employees ride their fixed-gear bikes to work, and if you sit on the patio you’ll get a lovely whiff of cigarette smoke to complete your organic coffee and super-thick, tasty bacon. Really though, the smoke was the only negative part of the entire meal at Café Berlin. The staff is extremely friendly and the food is outstanding. I wholeheartedly recom-mend the pancake burrito, which is just their fantastic bacon with scrambled eggs wrapped in a huge, delicious pancake. They also serve plenty of southwestern break-fast items and a Build-Your-Own Pancake, with basically any combination of toppings you can think of. Café Berlin is open 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. every day.

Lucy’s is the weakest of the four, but the food is still better than usual. Really, there’s no bad food in Columbia at all. Lucy’s is a small little diner off Broadway. It’s a pretty average place, but sitting at the counter is an awesome experience. Watching the food getting cooked is interesting because it’s crazy to see how fast everything gets cooked. The staff is friendly, and the menu is just like every other little diner. They have a daily lunch special as well. I recommend the one egg with ham combo that comes with toast or a biscuit with gravy (get the biscuit and gravy) and hash browns. Lucy’s is open 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. on weekdays and 7 a.m. to 1 p.m. on weekends.

I surprise myself every single time I eat at Ernie’s by finishing the No. 11 special: two huge pancakes, a giant portion of hash browns, a couple bacon strips and two large eggs cooked to order. Seriously, just go in and order it. I promise it’s the best thing on the menu. Ernie’s is great because it’s a small little diner past the main drag of Broadway. On weekends, the line is out the door, but the food is well worth the wait. Ernie’s definitely has the best traditional breakfast in CoMo and the best staff serving it. Everyone is really friendly and the service is extremely fast. Ernie’s is open from 6:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. everyday.

So first off, Broadway Diner isn’t actually on Broadway, so that makes it kind of tricky to find. The diner is located right across from Flat Branch Park. The menu is huge and the diner itself is pretty small. The service here is quick, like the other competing diners. I recom-mend The Stretch, which is hash browns covered with eggs and then smothered in chili and then topped with onions, green peppers and cheddar cheese. The best part of Broadway Diner is it opens at 11 p.m. on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and their food probably tastes deli-cious all night (wink wink). Broadway Diner is open from 5 a.m. to 2 p.m. Sunday through Wednesday and 11 p.m. to 2 p.m. on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

+ +

++

the most important, the most delicious

Stop, clock and roll out of bedIf Shakespeare knew I was about to

butcher his famous “To be, or not to be” line and apply it to hitting the snooze but-ton on an alarm clock, I bet he would’ve dedicated more time to solving this elusive snooze problem. Lucky for him, I was able to use the wondrous powers of Google to give him a break and simply find some better alarm clocks. After all, iPhone alarms only go so far.

1. SLEEPTRACKERThere’s this funny thing called a sleep

cycle that makes you go in and out of deep sleep. When your alarm goes off, it has no idea if it is destined to halt your slumber at a time when you’ll be groggy or not, regard-less of the hours of sleep you received. What if an alarm did know, you ask? Then you’d get the SleepTracker, a pricey watch that finds the lightest stage of sleep during a 40-minute window. For instance, if you set your alarm for 7 a.m., then the SleepTracker will wake you up between 6:40 a.m. and 7:20 a.m. when you are in your lightest stage of sleep.2. CLOCKY, THE RUNAWAY ALARM

CLOCKIt’s almost too easy to hit the snooze

button if you’re right next to your alarm. So what if you’re not next to your alarm? Then you’d get a version of Clocky, an alarm clock that will roll right off your nightstand so you must chase it to silence its whining noise. Nothing gets you moving like exercise.

3. SHAPE UP ALARM CLOCKYou like exercise and want more of it?

How about an alarm clock that could incor-porate it into your daily routine? Well, that’s when you get an alarm clock that looks like the as-seen-on-TV Shape Up dumbbell. Not only does it look like one, but it also makes you do thirty reps before the alarm will turn off. Get ripped.

4. PUZZLE ALARM CLOCKBut maybe you’re not the brawny type,

and you’re wondering what else you can do to wake up at the alarm. Well, brainy person, you can exercise your intellectual capabilities with a puzzle! There are a few variations of this alarm clock, whether it is like a jigsaw, shape or Simon-esque puzzle. Either way, you have to solve the puzzle to get it to turn off.

5. COOL FLYING ALARM CLOCKWait, you like the idea of your alarm clock moving away from you? Maybe you want to try out the Cool Flying Alarm Clock. With this bad boy, a mini propeller-driven key flies up and away from the base alarm clock when the alarm sounds, making you go and search for it to reinsert it into the alarm clock and shut off the noise.

6. KUKU ALARM CLOCKSo you’re one of those people who has

“been there, done that” with all the other alarm clocks (or maybe you’ve just thrown your alarm clock across the room, effectively creating an exercise to go fetch it, turn it off

and then a puzzle to put all the pieces back together). I bet you haven’t tried the KuKu alarm clock. The KuKu is a chicken that lays eggs as soon as the alarm goes off, forcing you to collect the eggs and place them back in the KuKu to silence the cockle-doodle-doo.7. LASER GUN SHOOTING TARGET

ALARM CLOCKI’m getting the picture that nothing listed

so far is good enough for you. Is that why you keep reading? What — do you want to wake up every morning feeling like James Bond (or P. Diddy)? Oh, you do. I guess you’ll like this Laser Gun Shooting Target Alarm Clock when you have to use your laser gun to shoot a bulls-eye on the target that is attached to the alarm clock (that you place far away from your bed).

lucia lee | staff writer

SLEEP

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

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I’m (not so) Wide Awake, It's Morning brandon foster | MOVE editor

04.06.12 • MOVE 3

PLACES

It’s time to break out your Doc Martens and snap bracelets, because the ‘90s are like totally back! Trends and nostalgia for the decade have gradually been reappearing, but this weekend it is all too apparent. Heating up the box office will be two films trying to reach the market who grew up with Tamagotchis and Power Rangers: the re-release of “Titanic” in 3-D and “American Reunion.”

First released in 1997, “Titanic” was arguably the biggest pop culture phenomenon of the decade. It swept the Oscars with a record 11 wins, and at its time was the highest grossing film in the history of cinema. You couldn’t enter a teenage girl’s bed-room without seeing a poster of the newly crowned heartthrob, Leonardo DiCaprio, and it was impossible to turn on the radio without hearing Céline Dion belt out “My Heart Will Go On.” Fifteen years have since passed, and sadly, it has become some-thing of an embarrassment to admit your love for the film. People love to pick apart the movie for its so-called “cheesy romance” and sentimental nature. I hope this rerelease lets these naysayers realize just how sweeping, beautiful and classic “Titanic” really is. It’s also not just a marketing ploy for the studio to make even more money. I doubt perfectionist director James Cameron would spend years making every single effect and detail perfect to just add a few more dollars to his already stuffed wallet.

Cameron was the one who turned 3-D into a bona fide art form with “Avatar,” so I have complete faith the revamping of his most famous film will once again cause a full-fledged frenzy.

Two years after “Titanic,” a phenomenon of its own breed was released, changing the world’s perception of baked goods in the process. Of course, I’m referring to “American Pie,” the infamous gross-out teen comedy that truly ushered in an entirely new form of humor that is now the norm in this Judd Apatow era: dick jokes with heart.

The film spawned two theatrical sequels and four direct to video spinoffs. A fourth theatrical release, “American Reunion” brings together every major character from the first movie and is released Friday. It’s earned surprisingly decent reviews and looks to be a great trip down memory lane. My first memories of the original movie consist of sneaking down to my friend’s basement to watch it with our older sisters. None of us were quite yet old enough to understand every joke, but we sure as hell laughed like we did. In high school, I decided to revisit the original trilogy to find they still hold up amazingly well.

I, for one, plan on seeing both “Titanic” and “American Reunion” this weekend. Sure, I might have only been nine years old when the ‘90s ended, but I still believe it was the greatest decade there ever was. From the grunge to the bubblegum pop and cartoons to the cheesy sitcoms, ‘90s pop culture holds a fond spot in many hearts.

As long as there is a reverence for the original material, I fully support this ‘90s comeback. Now if only we can stop Michael Bay from ruining the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…

As I sleepily stared at the live webcam feed of Stankowski Field on my laptop in my dark room at 5:30 a.m., I felt like the homicidal sociopath preying on my next victim at the beginning of “Criminal Minds.” Then I reminded myself of my future profession as a journalist, which is basically the same thing, so I felt better.

The sun had not yet risen, and it wouldn’t for more than an hour, and I kept thinking to myself, “Well, of course no one is out there running, it’s still dark and 40 degrees outside.”

Thirty minutes later, I saw a green flash across my computer screen. Unless my tired eyes were deceiving me, a lone dedicated runner was circling the track at 6 in the goddamn morning.

I started running to Stank to see if I could catch up with him and possibly get an interview out of this clearly insane person. I didn’t make it past the Student Recreation Complex before I was gasping for breath and had to walk the rest of the way. That was the first bad sign.

I eventually caught up with Billy Jivetti, a Kenyan doctoral student who runs six mornings a week. Of

course I would have to keep up with a guy whose country of origin is known for its Olympic runners whilst I hold a recording device and think of questions to ask him at 6 a.m. (second bad sign). God clearly has a sense of humor.

“I spend a long time sitting,” he says. “I’m a grad student, and I’m working on my dissertation, and it’s a boring thing to be doing, and so this gives me the strength to sit down for a long period of time.”

Working towards a Ph.D. in rural sociology, Jivetti says running is his primary release method.

“It has become like my medication,” he says. “If I don’t take it, I won’t be able to be productive during the day. It’s like waking up early and not taking coffee for me.”

Apparently running is a stronger medication than cocaine, because Jivetti claims to wake up at 4 a.m. every day without an alarm clock.

When I asked Jivetti what he thinks about while he runs, he spoke with the calm air and wisdom of a yogi.

“I isolate myself from the pressures I feel from the day and try to meditate

and give myself some motivating thoughts,” he says.

On Saturdays, he ditches Stankowski and takes to the MKT trail for a couple of hours. Sunday is his only day of rest.

Unlike normal Americans who reward themselves for performing physical activity with a trip to IHOP, Jivetti says he rewards himself with two liters of water. And this is before he starts the rest of his day thinking of ways to promote public health in his rural hometown in Kenya. The heinous glutton.

“I began (running) just when I had finished my undergraduate program in Kenya,” he explains of his bizarre desire to run in circles at ungodly hours of the morning. “It’s something I’ve been doing for the past 10 years, so it’s become a passion. It just became a lifestyle.”

Do not get me wrong, I am all for alternative lifestyles, but Jivetti’s take on life just seems too obscene and radical for me to join anytime soon. You can have the track all to yourself, new friend.

david adams

DAY BY DAYVID

pop culture columnist

The ‘90s will go on and on

Here comes the sun

The best places around Columbia to watch the sunrise.

If you are willing and able to get up before campus wakes up and the sun is shining, then check out these places for a nice and relaxing morning.

photos and text | cassie kibens

RATINGS OUT OF 5 SUNS

THE COLUMNS

Although slightly cliché, the columns are a great place to relax and watch the sun rise through the trees. Something about Francis Quad and the history behind it makes it a peaceful place to ponder your thoughts as the sky turns colors. The columns also provide some great people-watching as the morning progresses. Tip: For an even more amazing experience, try to go on a slightly cloudy day, makes for a much prettier sky.

TOP OF VIRGINIA AVENUE GARAGE

The trek up the five flights of stairs might seem daunting, but it is well worth it when you reach the empty top level. Without a soul in sight, you can peacefully watch the sun take its position over the residence halls on the east of campus (College Avenue, Hatch and Schurz). In addition to being a short walk from anywhere on campus, it is also a short walk to Plaza 900 afterward for some breakfast.

PEACE PARK

This may be a bit of an obvious place, but still a great little spot to throw a blanket down and watch the sun come up. Just behind the J school, Peace Park is a great place for you and your sunrise-loving friends to get together for coffee (it’s not that far from Starbucks) and talk about anything and everything as the sun comes up from behind the trees.

Catching up with an early morning runner Billy Jivetti wakes

up every morning by 4 a.m. and is on the track himself by 6.

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PROFILE

alex stewart | staff writer

The Wake Up PlaylistFive songs to get you up and running in the morning.

Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em: “Turn My Swag On”Step 1: Hop up out the bed. Step 2: Turn swag on.

Frank Ocean: “Strawberry Swing”Eases you outta bed then concludes with an alarm clock, just in case.

Sleigh Bells: “Tell ‘Em”This one is just really super loud.

Asher Roth: “G.R.I.N.D. (Get Ready It's a New Day)”I mean, just look at the title if you need a reason.

Carly Rae Jepsen: “Call Me Maybe”Hatred is a pretty easy way to wake yourself up.

compiled by brandon foster

MOVE • 04.06.124

EVENT

romance columnist

aubrey leiter | reporter

»emma woodhouse

KISSLESS IN COLUMBIA

Despite the chilly weather, a large num-ber of people showed up for the Adult Swim Carnival Tour in the parking lot of Shakespeare’s Pizza. In addition to a perfor-mance by the alternative rock group Band of Skulls, there were multiple booths that featured games and activities based on Adult Swim’s lineup of shows.

Keeping true to the theme of some of the shows, each booth had a carnival-based game such as shooting moving targets with rubber babies, popping balloons with a uni-corn head and throwing a bag through a hole in a toilet. However, the biggest difference between a regular carnival and this particular carnival was that everything was free. Items ranged from pins, notepads, posters and even a shirt with your favorite Adult Swim show graphic, and attendees did not have to spend a single penny for games or items at the event.

The copious amount of free items, as well as the atmosphere, was very different from what most students do on Thursdays.

“It’s different from going to clubs and bars on a Thursday night,” senior Tyler Bowers said. When asked if he would attend the event if the tour stopped in town again, Bowers said, “Definitely. Hopefully it’s also a little warmer.”

Sophomore Daniel Maxwell was sur-prised at the large amount of people that showed up for the evening, considering the fact he did not see a lot of advertising for

the tour on campus. However, he points to one factor as the sole reason for the high attendance.

“You really can’t go wrong with free stuff,” Maxwell said. “I’m having fun.”

The emcee for the event was also very lively, keeping the crowd interested with a dance contest, a raffle to win cash and promoting one of Adult’s Swim’s new shows, “China, IL,” by selecting a random’s person’s application that was filled out at the show’s booth. In addition, people also viewed some of Adult’s Swim’s summer lineup of shows such as “Black Dynamite,” “Children’s Hospital,” “Metalocalpyse” and “NTSF:SD:SUV.”

In the later hours of the carnival, Band of Skulls began playing songs from both old and new albums. Most of the crowd members who were focused of the band knew them well and sang along to familiar tunes, and those who were unfamiliar with the band seemed to appreciate the music and might now have a new group to listen to on their iPods.

In the end, Adult’s Swim’s Carnival Tour was nothing short of a success. Large num-bers of people walked about Shakespeare’s small parking lot, all of the games were entertaining, the performance was great, and not to mention the fact it was all free. Sophomore Nick Terrell was extremely pleased with the event, saying it was pure entertainment.

“Most of the shows were represented one way or another,” Terrell said. “Adult Swim did it for the fans and it has restored my faith in humanity that Adult Swim would do something like this.”

As a late-night cable network, Adult Swim continues to attract more and more people to its late-night run of animated shows. Most recently, it brought back the much-loved Toonami block of cartoons as part of its April Fool’s joke. Toonami began in the late ‘90s and featured some American cartoons, but a huge portion of the seg-ment was comprised of Japanese anime. This one-day joke brought back so much nostalgia that people on Twitter wanted to bring back Toonami permanently. Adult Swim commented on the matter by tweet-ing “#BringBackToonami We’ve heard you. Thanks you for your passion and interest – stay tuned.” Such an occasion will only raise their popularity even more and it just might turn their Carnival Tour into an even bigger venue.

Events such as the Adult Swim Carnival Tour are rare these days, especially when it caters to such a specific audience due to its programming. There is no doubt that such an event was very successful and attendees can probably expect another carnival next year.

rexly penaflorida II | senior staff writer

It seems people can’t get enough of cheer-ing on District 12. “The Hunger Games” has maintained its top spot in the box office and has brought in more than $250 million in its second week of release. Executive Producer Robin Bissell says he believes that the reason it has been so successful is because people can relate to a story struggle and survival.

“Everybody likes an underdog story,” Bissell says. “This particular one I think is exceptional because it’s not just about a girl who is oppressed and she becomes a rebel and gets through it, it’s more complex. She trans-forms as a human being in the middle of the worst possible circumstances anyone could be in, and that’s pretty amazing as a story.”

“The Hunger Games” is about a post-apocalyptic United States called Panem that is split into 12 districts, the lead characters coming from District 12. A rebellion rose against the Capitol, which caused the Capitol to decide that every year from then on, every district must give them a boy and girl to be put in an arena and fight to their deaths until a victor remains. The main heroes, Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark, are chosen as the District 12 tributes and are sent to the games to see who will survive. These characters were already well known to the millions who have read the novel, and Bissell says choosing the cast was easier than he could’ve imagined.

“Some great names came in and some great people read for the role, and a lot of people were good, but Jennifer Lawrence walked in the room and it was obvious imme-diately before she even started reading the

scene,” Bissell says. “For Josh (Hutcherson) and Liam (Hemsworth), it was the same way.”

Bissell says picking other roles in the film was also clear. He worked with his good friend Elizabeth Banks, who plays Effie Trinket, while producing “Seabiscuit" and with Stanley Tucci on “The Tale of Despereaux.”

Talks about filming of the rest of the popular trilogy have already started. Bissell says they started talking about the second film and hired a screen writer to start the first draft while they were still finishing “The Hunger Games.”

“I guess Lionsgate six to eight months ago announced that they want to release the second one November 2013, that’s all I know,” Bissell says. “As far as (splitting) the third book into two movies, I’ve heard that as well. I don’t know whether that’s 100 percent. It seems to work for other franchises so I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened.”

Bissell says the hardest part of his job was letting go of the film.

“You always wish you had more time to make the movie,” Bissell says. “But what hap-pens with great creative people is that when you get a lot of them together like we had on this movie, they solve problems creatively and good things generally come out of that. So for me, the hardest part of this movie was to get to the end and say, ‘Oh, well that’s it,’ and letting it go that last day when we reel for the last time.”

Bissell describes the movie as “captivat-ing,” assuring that it will not disappoint. “The Hunger Games” is now playing in theaters everywhere.

I was just cozying up to a plate of homemade cookies and my good friend Netflix during spring break (wild, I know) when a drunken text message from Romeo ASKED ME OUT. I knew this kid was a class act.

Not only did Romeo propose we go out, but he endearingly called me “soooo weird” and sent eight more long, responseless text messages. Boys, pack your bags. I think I found the one.

Naturally, I said yes. He’s not exactly charming, but maybe he’s just shy! And how will I know if I don’t go? So I penciled “LOL date” into my calendar and found myself an adorable dress. If my first kisser isn’t exactly what I was hoping for, at least I’ll look damn cute.

While Romeo was amusing me with incessant text messages over break, I was hanging out with my good friends Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris. Most kids spent their week off on a faraway beach, soaking up the sun (Like Sheryl Crow! Did you know she’s an MU graduate? She is). But six seasons of “How I Met Your Mother” later, I’m so pale I sparkle in the sunlight. Vampirism is the hip new thing, right?

In the series, future Ted Mosby narrates for his kids the story of, as you would expect, how he met their mother. Seven seasons in and we still don’t have any answers. Ted either hasn’t heard of the inverted pyra-mid writing style (facts up front, details later) or he’s just really terrible at relationships. I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of the two.

I fancy myself a decent storyteller, but Ted and I are eerily similar in the relationship department. In one episode in the series, Ted gets desperate and goes to a matchmaker. She calculates his possible romantic inter-ests in New York City, and after enough math to make my Englishy brain spin (subtraction is hard), she comes up with eight possibilities.

Since I’m sure the “HIMYM” crew tested the match-maker’s algorithm for accuracy and validity, I decided to try it out on MU’s population.

1. 26,024 MU undergraduates x 46 percent (male popu-lation) = 11,971 guys

2. Now, we need to subtract the 48 percent (according to “HIMYM”) that are already in relationships, so we’re down to 6,225.

3. Then, we’ve got to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility, so we’re at 3,112.

4. Statistically, about 2 percent of those guys are gay, so after subtracting them, we’re down to 3,050.

5. Now, Ted has to account for his numerous exes, but I have none! The benefits of the single life are numerous.

According to the incredibly reliable “HIMYM” algo-rithm, I have 3,050 first-kiss candidates at MU. Poor Ted. I’ve outdone him.

In Ted’s case, though, the audience knows the ending is a happy one. Ted has kids! He has a wife! Everything works out eventually. It’s the middle that’s unsure. I don’t have a future Emma to reassure me that I find someone.

If the algorithm has any validity, though, I have so many options. Ted spends so much time in the series looking for “the one.” This whole “soul mate” idea seems so illogical. Everyone has to have several compat-ible partners. What am I supposed to do if my “one” is a Japanese pop star? I mean, that would be the best and I absolutely would not complain, but I probably wouldn’t ever meet the guy. I need some cute mid-Missourians as well.

Although I’m not quite sure about Romeo, there are plenty of guys out there I have yet to meet, and I bet there are some I’d be really happy with. I only have a few columns left, so it’s time to amp it up. And if I don’t snag my first kiss by the time this column is over, I’d better do it before Ted finds his wife. Let’s race, Ted. It’s on.

Doing the math

Charley Field/Senior Staff Photographer(Above left) Emma Richardson of Band of Skulls sings during the band’s performance at the Adult Swim Carnival on Thursday night in the Shakespeare’s Pizza parking lot.(Above right) The Colonel and his owner Kurtis Hunt take in the sights and sounds of the Adult Swim Carnival.

Adult Swim parties at Shakespeare’s

INTERVIEW

Feasting on ‘Hunger Games’

nathalie granda | reporter

Emma's columns are numbered, but she's counting on getting her kiss.

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