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DOI: 10.1177/0022167807311878 2008 48: 89Journal of Humanistic Psychology

Matthew G. McDonaldThe Nature of Epiphanic Experience

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THE NATURE OF EPIPHANIC EXPERIENCE

MATTHEW G. MCDONALD was born and educated in Australia. He completed his PhD in existential philosophy andpsychology in 2005 at the University of Technology, Sydney. Heis currently employed as a visiting lecturer in the School of Psychology and Therapeutic Studies, Roehampton University,London. His primary research interests include psychology and

consumption, alienation, poststructuralism, and existentialism.

Summary

The purpose of this inquiry is to investigate positive change andtransformation that is sudden and abrupt, as defined by the termepiphany. Due to the disparate nature of the epiphanic literature,a thorough and wide-ranging review was undertaken, producing a

set of six core characteristics, which were tested and interpretedfrom a self-identity existential perspective. A narrative inquiryapproach to methodology was employed to collect and analyze par-ticipants’ epiphanies, from which three main interpretations weredrawn. Firstly, the participants’ life-stories illustrate that anepiphany is a valid experience as indicated by support for the setof six core characteristics developed from the literature. Secondly,an epiphany is a profound illumination of the inauthentic andauthentic modes of self-identity, which provide the impetus for a

more honest and courageous encounter with the conditions of exis-tence. Lastly, an epiphany is an intentional experience made sig-nificant and enduring by the ascription of personal meaning.

Keywords: epiphany; self-identity; existential philosophy and

psychology; narrative inquiry; authenticity

The dawn was grey around us; grey was the sky above; grey the snowin the pale light of dawn; grey the rags in which my fellow prisoners

were clad; grey their faces. I was again conversing silently with my

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Special thanks to Stephen Wearing, Shawn Rubin, WarwickEaton, and Susmita Das in helping me to undertake and complete this study.

Journal of Humanistic Psychology, Vol. 48 No. 1, January 2008 89-115

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90 Epiphanic Experience

wife, or perhaps I was struggling to find the reason for my sufferings,my slow dying. In a last violent protest against the hopelessness of imminent death, I sensed my spirit piercing through the enveloping

gloom. I felt it transcend that hopeless, meaningless world, and fromsomewhere I heard a victorious “Yes” in answer to the question of myexistence of an ultimate purpose.

—Frankl (1984, p. 51)

The powerful moment recounted above is an excerpt from Viktor Frankl’s (1984) Man’s Search for Meaning, a memory fromwhen he was a prisoner at the infamous Auschwitz Nazi concen-tration camp. Frankl’s experience can be best described as a sud-den, abrupt, and positive transformation that was profound andenduring—in short, an epiphany.

When psychologists contemplate the nature of change, they usu-ally refer to two broad areas, the developmental changes that occurover the lifespan (from birth to death) and specific changes that areeffected through counseling and psychotherapy. Developmentalchange refers to any qualitative (changes in process and function) andquantitative (changes in height, weight, and intelligence) modifica-

tion in the structure and functioning of human beings.On the other hand, counselors and psychotherapists effect change

by working with their clients to overcome their self-limiting beliefs,helping them to gain insight and perspective while taking action inthe process. Positive change and transformation in this respect is,more often than not, a slow incremental process, lasting for aperiod of weeks, months, or years. Terms commonly used in thetherapeutic vernacular, such as “working through,” convey a

gradual unfolding process. As Bien (2004) noted, “The psy-chotherapist . . . will observe a series of micro-changes, marked bysighs and other physical indicators as well as increasingly insightful

verbal expression, which gradually accumulate into something substantive” (p. 494).

Epiphanies, on the other hand, are sudden and abrupt insightsand/or changes in perspective that transform the individual’sconcept of self and identity through the creation of new meaning

in the individual’s life. Epiphanies are momentary experiences of transcendence that are enduring and distinct from other types of developmental change and transformation. Due to this distinc-tion, positive change and transformation that is sudden andabrupt is a relatively underresearched and underdeveloped phe-nomenon. C’de Baca and Wilbourne (2004) noted,











“quantum change,” which they defined as “a vivid, surprising, benev-olent, and enduring personal transformation” (Miller & C’de Baca,

2001, p. 4).Given the disparate nature of the epiphanic literature and thelimited literature reviews carried out by Jarvis (1997) and Millerand C’de Baca (1993, 2001), it was determined that an integrating framework was needed to give some semblance of order to the con-cept. To this end, a set of core characteristics, or attributes, wascreated by content analyzing (Krippendorff, 2004) the epiphanic lit-erature, the results of which are presented in Table 1 below.

METHOD: NARRATIVE INQUIRY

A narrative approach to collecting and analyzing participants’epiphanies was selected for two main reasons. The first was itstheoretical affinity with existential philosophy (Polkinghorne,1988, pp. 125-155), and second, it is argued that an in-depthunderstanding of epiphanies can be achieved only by obtaining

an account of the participant’s life history and with it, his or hertemporal unfolding sense of self-identity.

A theoretical sample (Charmaz, 2003, p. 104) was employed, whichconsisted of individuals who had a self-identified epiphany. Theresearch participants were individuals introduced to the inquiry byacademic colleagues. As part of engaging with potential participants,it was necessary to gauge their capacity for self-reflection and coher-ent verbal communication. Potential participants were screened via

a preliminary interview (approximately 30 minutes) carried out inperson or by telephone, and their epiphanies were compared to thecharacteristics outlined in Table 1.

In-depth life-story interviews were carried out on 5 partici-pants (only 4 will be reported here due to the constraints of wordlimit), eliciting a rich source of data. The life-story interview isdesigned to allow the narrator (the research participant) to pro-

vide a detailed account of his or her life, starting with his or her

very first memory as a child and extending right up until the pre-sent day. It seeks to emphasize the participant’s developmentalsequences, milestones, and turning points (Murray, 2003, p. 103).

Lieblich,Tuval-Mashiach, and Zilber’s (1998) narrative analysismatrix was used to guide the analysis process. Each of the inter-

view transcripts was read several times to develop an in-depth










Matthew G. McDonald 93

understanding of the participant’s experience of his or her life.Each of the transcripts was then converted into shorter narra-tives to provide greater clarity and structure to the raw interviewdata, a task that also discharged my commitment to treat each of the participants’ life stories as an individual case study (Smith &

Osborn, 2003, p. 54). To complete the analysis process, a numberof quality control measures were undertaken to assess and eval-uate the data; these included consensual validation with theparticipants and credibility checks carried out by academic col-leagues and a consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapeutist with

TABLE 1: Epiphanic Characteristics

Concept Description of Concept

Antecedent state Epiphanies are preceded by periods of anxiety,depression, and inner turmoil (Denzin, 1989, 1990;Jarvis, 1997; Jensen, 1998, 1999; Loyttyniemi, 2001;Miller & C’de Baca, 1993, 2001).

Suddenness Epiphanies are sudden and abrupt(Beja, 1993; Goud, 1995; Jarvis, 1997;Jensen, 1998, 1999; Miller &C’de Baca, 1993, 2001; Schultz, 2001).

Personal transformation Epiphanies are an experience of profound changeand transformation in self-identity

(Denzin, 1989, 1990; Goud, 1995;Jarvis, 1997; Jensen, 1998, 1999;Miller & C’de Baca, 1993, 2001).

Illumination/insight Epiphanies are an acute awareness of something new, something that the individualhad previously been blind to (Denzin, 1989,1990; Goud, 1995; Jarvis, 1997;Jensen, 1998, 1999; Miller &C’de Baca, 1993, 2001; Paris, 1997;Schultz, 2001).

Meaning making Epiphanies are profound insights becausethey are deemed significant tothe individual’s life (Denzin, 1989, 1990;Frick, 2001; Miller & C’de Baca,1993, 2001).

Enduring nature Although the actual epiphany is a momentaryexperience, the personal transformationthat results is permanent and lasting (Denzin, 1989, 1990; Jarvis, 1997;Jensen, 1998, 1999; Miller &C’de Baca, 1993, 2001).










25 years’ experience (Elliott, Fischer, & Rennie, 1999; Yardley,2000).

The following accounts provide a brief sketch of each of theparticipants’ life stories; they are presented in chronologicalorder (i.e., childhood, adolescence, and adulthood) culminating with their epiphany(ies).

LIFE STORIES AND EPIPHANIES

Peter1

Peter was born and grew up in a small town in rural New SouthWales, Australia. He experienced a deprived and at times trau-matic childhood due to his father’s alcoholism. Peter attended alocal Catholic school, which he described as violent and forbidding.He was persecuted by his classmates in and outside of schoolbecause of his size and looks. Peter described his parents as gener-ally neglectful; as a result, he suffered from poor hygiene and a lack

of future aspirations, leaving high school at the age of 15.Peter’s first job out of school was training racehorses, which hedescribed as one of the happiest periods of his life, yet heremained lonely and lamented the lack of any meaningful rela-tionships. During this time, Peter developed an interest in writ-ing and began publishing articles for a Sydney horseracing magazine. With this success, he eventually decided to become afull-time writer, going on to university to study journalism.

Having completed his studies, Peter fell into a series of unsatis-fying jobs in public relations.Peter’s life, though, was to turn a corner after he fell in love,

married, and had two baby girls in short succession. After 12years of marriage, however, Peter felt that his relationship withhis wife had come to a dead end. “It had become loveless, sexless,and sad.” As his marriage broke down, he began to analyze his lifemore closely and came to the realization that it stood for nothing,that it was devoid of meaning and purpose, which eventually ledto feelings of depression and suicidal ideation.

Then one night, Peter had a dream in which he was giving aspeech at his daughter’s 21st birthday. In this speech, he told thestory of his life and how he had reached the “edge of darkness,”as described by Joseph Campbell in The Hero’s Journey (1990). InCampbell’s story, the hero takes the challenge to break throughthe barrier—to not give up. When Peter awoke the next day, he












realized that if he kept going as he was, he would not have theright to make that speech at his daughter’s birthday. “That future

moment, that visioning, was my epiphany to say, ‘I want thatmoment.’ . . . It was an unforgettable vision.”

Michelle

Michelle was born and grew up in a large coastal town in NewSouth Wales, Australia. She described her family life as emotion-ally cold and uncommunicative. She described feeling as a childlike an “empty shell.” At the age of 13, she suffered the first of many episodes of major depression and suicidal ideation. Just priorto leaving school, Michelle undertook a work placement as a nurse,which she thoroughly enjoyed and decided would become herfuture career. At the completion of her placement, the nurse incharge wrote a letter to her school career counselor and parents,noting that she had underperformed and that she was not suitedto a career in nursing. Michelle was devastated by the news.

Michelle left school at 16 and began her first job working in a

bank.At the age of 21, she moved to Sydney with the goal of earning $100,000 by the time she was 30, in the hope of impressing herwealthy parents. Michelle began a financially successful career inthe information technology industry, yet was still plagued by feelingsof emptiness. She began psychotherapy and was advised to attend

Alcoholics Anonymous.In time, Michelle was able to overcome her alcohol addiction, and

she continued psychotherapy for the next 5 years, yet her feelings of

loneliness and frustration continued to plague her. Eventually,Michelle became alienated from her fast-paced corporate lifestyle anddecided to make a break by moving to a small country town whereshe bought herself a dog. With few possessions to furnish her newhouse, Michelle asked her mother to post a box of belongings she hadstored away many years previously. When the box arrived, she foundthe letter written by the nurse in charge of her school placementexplaining to her parents that she was unsuited to a career in nurs-

ing. The discovery of this letter after such a long period of time cameas a great shock for Michelle, as she had pushed this desire com-pletely from her mind. Suddenly and unexpectedly, she was remindedof her adolescent wish, viewing this chance event as a powerful mes-sage, using it to provide her life with a new direction and purpose. “Ialways wanted to be a nurse! . . . It was like a veil was lifted. I’mgoing to be a nurse.”











Janet

Janet was born and grew up in the beachside suburb of

Maroubra, Sydney. Her early childhood was loving and prosper-ous. Janet did well at school and made friends easily. At the ageof 8, the boy next door stayed over one night in Janet’s bedroom.He forced himself on her, and she struggled to break free from hisgrip. Shocked and upset by what had happened, Janet told herparents, who sent the boy home. Her parents, though, blamedJanet for what had happened to her. “I felt so embarrassed andabandoned. Looking back now, I can still recall having an almost

out-of-body experience, as though the connection I had with myparents had been broken.”

Sadly, worse was to come. When Janet was 13, her parents hada party at their house where she was lured away and sexuallyassaulted by a 46-year-old customer of her father’s dry cleaning business. After this incident, Janet began failing school, smoking marijuana, and running away from home. As her relationship withher parents worsened, Janet left home for good at the age of 16.

At 18, Janet gave birth to twin baby girls, whom she loved andadored. At 23, the relationship with the father of her childrenbroke down. Janet began taking drugs and was eventually caughtstealing medications from a doctor’s surgery. Before her courtappearance, Janet was placed in a women’s prison where she hadher first epiphany. While sitting in her cell, Janet was suddenlygripped by a new and powerful fear, which motivated her toreflect on her life like never before. She realized for the first time

that she actually hated the “drug lifestyle” she had chosen forherself and began to wonder what could be so terrible to makeher want to escape reality. She then had a profound realization—she took drugs to escape from herself.

Janet’s second epiphany occurred when she was 31. Janet’schildren, aged 13 at the time, made a special trip from Perth toSydney to visit her. She had not seen her twin daughters in morethan 3 years. Their vulnerability, innocence, and adolescent men-tality made a powerful impression on her. As a result, Janetbegan to look back on her own life when she was 13. She began torecall the people and events of that time and realized she had losther virginity at 13—the same age as her daughters. This set inmotion a sudden recall of events she had repressed for 19 years.

A horrible feeling began to rise in the pit of her stomach. Withterrible clarity, Janet realized a 46-year-old man had raped her.











With the conscious awareness of this long-repressed memory,Janet began to piece together the chain of events that took place

in her life after her sexual assaults; she began failing school, ranaway from home, taking drugs, and behaving promiscuously.

Cathy

Cathy was born and grew up in New Zealand. Her childhoodwas difficult and unhappy. Cathy’s mother expected her, the eldestof five children, to help raise and take responsibility for heryounger siblings. Her father was a heavy drinker prone to bouts of

violence, which her mother bore the brunt of. Cathy recalls oftenhaving to hide with her brother and sisters in their bedroom toescape their father’s abuse. From an early age, Cathy dreamed of one day becoming a nun and schoolteacher like the central charac-ter Sister Maria from the film The Sound of Music. However, hermother told her that it would be selfish of her not to have childrenand that all girls dream of one day getting married.

To escape her family abuse, Cathy left home at 18 and moved

in with her boyfriend. Shortly after they married, she gave birthto a baby girl, the first of three children. After her second child,Cathy met a nun who was also a schoolteacher and academic.This woman inspired Cathy to go to university and train tobecome a teacher. Cathy enrolled in university and completed herteaching qualification 4 years later.

During her time at university, Cathy’s marriage began tobreak down. It was during this period that she began to question

her sexual orientation. After many months of inner turmoil, shecame to the resolution that if she were to ever have sex with awoman, then she would remain a lesbian for the rest of her life.Her epiphany, she explains, was triggered by her first sexualexperience with a woman. Having sex with another woman con-firmed for Cathy that she truly was a lesbian. Everything in herlife radically changed from that moment on; “it was like crossing a bridge with no return.”

EPIPHANIC CHARACTERISTICS

The purpose of this phase of the analysis is to test whether thedescriptions of epiphanies given by the participants support thesix core characteristics (see Table 1) derived from the literature.











Antecedent state: Epiphanies are preceded by periods of anxiety,

depression, and inner turmoil. Each of the 4 participants, prior to

their epiphanies, experienced periods of anxiety, depression, andinner turmoil, lasting for weeks and, in some cases, months. Theparticipants also reported a range of other painful emotions priorto their epiphanies such as loneliness, suicidal ideation, remorse,despair, anger, alienation, and abandonment.

That one moment, that one look, that nonverbal communication tome said that you’re living a lie here. You’re living a lie. Then I wenttotally silent and I went home that night and I cried in front of her

[his wife] for the first time and said that I wanted to leave, thatI wanted to kill myself, that I needed to go off and do this and Ineeded to go and do it myself and not have her involved and that Icouldn’t find any meaning in life. (Peter)

I was earning really good money at the time. At the end of thatperiod, I got a commission check for $70,000. I just remember get-ting home on that Friday night when the commission was through,knowing that I’d been taxed half of it so there was $35,000 in mybank account. Thinking that obviously I’d done what I’d set out toachieve when I was younger. That I was starting to make all thismoney but I just felt like I was dying inside. The more money Iearned, the more dead I felt. I didn’t know what to do with it. Evenif I did do something with it, it didn’t really make me happy. I hadnothing that I wanted to do. I didn’t feel passionate about any-thing, so what was the point of having it? (Michelle)

Suddenness: Epiphanies are sudden and abrupt. Each of the par-ticipants’ epiphanies was sudden and abrupt, contrasting with

other types of positive change and transformation that are typi-cally gradual in nature.

I remember just sitting there and just looking at it [a letter]. I was

on my own thinking, “Oh my god, oh my god, I always wanted to be

a nurse. I always wanted to be a nurse!” . . . It was like a veil was

lifted. “I’m going to be a nurse.” . . . It was like a shock to the sys-

tem. I recognized in that moment the kind of bizarre way that it

had come about. I’d sent away for this box and I was sitting theregoing through it. I also recognized that at the time it seemed to be,

“Thank God someone has told me or has sent me a sign. Someone

has finally told me what I should be doing with my life.” (Michelle)

I always had this feeling that if I ever slept with a woman, then

that would be it for me. I would never be able to go back to a man.










It was like crossing a bridge with no return. . . . It totally

changed my life from that day on. . . . It was the start of a new

life; I was a lesbian. (Cathy)

Personal transformation: Epiphanies are an experience of profound

change and transformation in self-identity. The most compelling ele-ment of the participants’ epiphanies was the change and transforma-tion that took place in the way they viewed themselves and theirworld.The transformations were varied; they included finding a voiceand expressing a purpose (Peter), identifying with nursing as a pro-fession and metaphor for empathy and insight into self-identity and

others (Michelle), the conscious recall and acknowledgment of theimpact of childhood sexual abuse (Janet), and the creation of a newsexual orientation (Cathy).

And that was the point I had reached, and at last I realized that I wasmythologizing my life, and I gave this speech about how I turned mylife around. I was able to hold up a novel that I had published aboutan idea that I’d always had.And I talked freely about what it was liketo be Lucy’s father, and I talked about laughter, and I talked aboutsilly things we did, crazy times, the inspirational times we hadtogether. . . . I woke up the next day, and I realized that the way I wasgoing, I was not actually going to have the right to make that speech.That future moment, that visioning, was my epiphany to say, “I wantthat moment.” (Peter)

There was always the invisible control sitting on the back of my shoul-der. I was always alert and fearful. I felt unsure of myself. . . . Sincecoming out as a lesbian, it’s now all right for me to be Cathy. . . . I feel

that I don’t need to please others nearly as much as I used to. (Cathy)

Illumination/insight: Epiphanies are an acute awareness of some-

thing new, something that the individual had been previously blindto. Each of the participants experienced a significant insight, whichhad the effect of illuminating elements of self-identity that hadonce remained in darkness.

I thought I was a dumb person all the way through my life. Ithought I had no right to have a voice and have ideas, that I didn’thave the skills. Any obstacle I could put in the way, I did. From thatmoment on of saying that I’m writing a book for the one personthat really matters, that moment to hold it up to Lucy or Sophie attheir 21st is the only moment in life that had any worth or anymeaning to live. (Peter)










I think really from that moment [the epiphany] that I did get asense that I had an identity. That I knew what my identity was along time ago, that I knew what I should have been doing. But it

had been taken away from me. . . . [It’s a] sense that there is a placefor me at the very heart of who I am. (Michelle)

Meaning making: Epiphanies are profound insights because theyare deemed significant to the individual’s life. Meaning making wasmanifested in the participants’ epiphanies by viewing a particularinsight or insights as profoundly significant. For example, in Peter’sdream, we see the linking of a future event with the creation of

meaning and purpose in the present; for Michelle, it was the redis-covery of an adolescent passion and desire; for Janet, it was the link-ing of childhood traumas with adult emotions and behaviors; forCathy, it was her first sexual experience with a woman that con-summated her long-held curiosity about being a lesbian.

My epiphany gave me something to live for, to move toward, insteadof being dead. . . . In my own way, I started to find hope and somemeaning about why I was here as I realized that I didn’t have a story

to tell; the people around me didn’t get who I was. My work hadn’tbeen done yet. It was an idea that saved my life—my work hadn’tbeen done yet, and I couldn’t write my own obituary yet. And then Istarted thinking, “Well, what does that really mean?” (Peter)

I realized that I didn’t want to be mixing with these people [inprison]. Which was also the case when I was doing hard drugs thatwere illegal and you get off the streets. I didn’t do it for thelifestyle. I didn’t really like the people you had to mix with to getthe drugs. They become a part of your circle because you are backthere to get your supplies. . . . I didn’t like that, so it definitely wasn’tabout lifestyle. It was for the effect of the drug. (Janet)

Enduring nature: Although the actual epiphany is a momentary

experience, the personal transformation that results is permanentand lasting. The illumination/insights coupled with the signifi-cance (meaning) attached to it created a personal transformationthat was enduring and permanent.

I’m committed to healing my life now. There was so much rage,anger, resentment I once held toward myself, and the world. . . . Iwas doing things that I wasn’t even aware of, so once you becomeaware, you become more in tune with yourself. . . . I’ll never forgetthe experience of going to prison, and I’ll now never forget whathappened to me when I was 13 and the effect it had on my life. . . .











Much of my time and energy is going into this court case becauseI want society to better acknowledge and protect children fromsexual predators. To show them the very serious crime that was

perpetrated against me when I was 13 years old, and the damageit caused. I also want my family to acknowledge that I need to con-front and heal my issues and that going to court is helping me todo that. (Janet)

Once you realize you’re a lesbian, you never forget it; you can try andpretend that you’re not a lesbian. Some women would stop at thisstage and say, “Put it behind you; get on with your marriage. You’vedone it all these years. You can still do it now.” I couldn’t. . . . I don’t

believe you should do this. . . . Looking back now, I feel that I alwayshad a lesbian heart. (Cathy)

MODES OF AUTHENTICITY: EPIPHANIES,SELF-IDENTITY, AND EXISTENTIALISM

The purpose of this next phase of the analysis is to apply thephilosophies of self-identity within the context of existentialism

to the epiphanic phenomenon. The following discussion is setout under eight fundamental conditions of existence, or existen-tials, identified in the works of Soren Kierkegaard (1842, 1845,1849), Friedrich Nietzsche (1892, 1895), Martin Heidegger(1927, 1987), Jean-Paul Sartre (1939, 1943, 1948), Medard Boss(Craig, 1988), Ronald Laing (1960), and Emmy van Deurzen(2002). The eight existentials include freedom, responsibility,choice, temporality, anxiety and depression, relatedness, the

sociocultural world, and meaning and purpose. Each of thesefundamentals has been placed under the heading Modes of

Authenticity to signify the participants’ illumination of theinauthentic and authentic modes of self-identity that charac-terized their epiphanic experience.

Self-Identity and Freedom

Freedom is not absolute. . . . There are objective conditions of facticitythat consciousness does not control: natural laws, physical states, andcircumstances independent of my will. Freedom, however, is absolutein the sense that what we make of our circumstances, how we respondto them, the meanings we give to them are free projects that are notcompelled or necessitated by objective forces.

—Hatab (1999, p. 161)










The participants’ insight into their inauthentic and authenticmodes of existence provided the impetus to appropriate their

freedom and begin creating a new self-identity. However, prior totheir epiphanies, the participants’ lives were closed off to the fullrange of possibilities for being and relating (Craig, 1988, p. 3).

I’d really resigned myself I suppose to living a mediocre life. I hadan enormous ambition to achieve nothing and quite deliberatelysabotaged my career and had gone the other way. I had reallydestroyed possible work opportunities and relationships. (Peter)

At the beginning of year 11, I left school. Got my first boyfriendwhen I was 16. That was really nice for me because I’d never reallybeen touched before or had anyone to communicate with or anyoneto care for me. This guy, he really loved me. When I was 18, Idumped him and he was devastated. . . . I had come to the conclu-sion that I had to make money. That was important because thathad made my parents happy, or so I thought it had. (Michelle)

You knew nothing of what it was like to be a lesbian, so you justnever even considered it. . . . I guess through my teens before Igot married, I had met a few women that I was attracted to.(Cathy)

Through the epiphanic process (suffering and transformation),the participant’s wider world was opened up so that what was onceleft in darkness (elements of self-identity) now tended toward illu-mination. As Heidegger (1927) noted, “Dasein discovers the worldin its own way and brings it close, if it discloses itself, its own

authentic Being, then this discovery of the world and this disclo-sure of Dasein are always accomplished as a clearing-away of con-cealments and obscurities” (p. 129).

We can see this clearing away of concealments and obscuritiesin Peter’s symbolic dream where he became open to the possibil-ity of living (as opposed to dying via suicide) so that one day hewould speak at his daughter’s 21st birthday. Michelle’s life wasopened up to the possibility of living more openly by casting aside

her need to gain approval and validation from her parents andothers by seeking wealth and prestige. Janet’s second epiphanywas a clearing away of the concealments that hid her childhoodsexual assaults. Cathy was able to appropriate her freedom byuncovering an alternative sexual orientation, enabling an expres-sion of her deepest inclinations.










Self-Identity and Responsibility

Being condemned to freedom means being condemned to respon-

sibility (Sartre, 1948).We are responsible for our actions, our choices,and the creation and ongoing definition of self-identity. Guilt is theresult of Dasein’s failure to take responsibility for its Being-toward-possibilities (Heidegger, 1927, pp. 295-297). In the absence of essence, and in the absence of God, human beings are free to be whatthey adopt. Since man is thus self-surpassing and can grasp objectsonly in relation to his or her self surpassing, the individual is at theheart and center of her or his transcendence to which she or he

must take full responsibility (Sartre, 1948, p. 55). However, eachof the participants, prior to their epiphanies, eschewed theirresponsibility:

I really think looking back on my life I was a child trying to live inan adult world. That’s how I felt all the time. When there was aproblem, whether it was relationships or people at work or when Iwas under a lot of stress at work, it would be nothing for me to beout in my car four times a week sitting there crying. The corporate

world is just too difficult for a 7-year-old, and that’s how it felt.(Michelle)

When I ran away from home, except for the first time, I always ranaway to the country. Traveling around the country was healing initself, almost spiritual. I was trying to run away from “me,” but“me” was with me all the time. I didn’t really have any profoundrealizations while I was doing that. It was just an adventure thatbrought me away from myself; it was movement, no permanence. I

didn’t have to look at myself, just a journey ahead and anotheradventure to be had. (Janet)

Nietzsche viewed responsibility as a commitment to a continu-ally broadening process of appropriation and enlargement of one’s capacity for a meaningful life (Nehamas, 2004, p. 88). Forexample, Peter, following his epiphany, began to take responsibil-ity by making choices and decisions in order to begin creating amore purposeful life.

The very next day [after his epiphany] I approached Louise and said,“I need to end our marriage. I can’t live like this. I need to take respon-sibility for my life because I’ve now got a job to do. I’ve got something

very important to do and I’ve got to go and do it.We’re not growing eachother.” I asked the question, “Is this relationship growing each other?

Are we producing more than the sum of our parts? Are we inspiring











each other?”And I couldn’t answer any of the questions in the affirma-tive. (Peter)

Self-Identity and Choice

Choice, like responsibility, is intimately connected to freedomand the radical contingency and nondetermined condition of human existence (Golomb, 1995, p. 143). With freedom comesresponsibility, and with responsibility come choices for defining one’s self-identity. For Heidegger (1927, p. 266), choice is the pri-mary means through which the process of individuation occurs and

the primary mode for overcoming alienation and the appropriationof one’s possibilities. Sartre (1939, 1943, 1948) similarly saw choiceas a tool for defining and constituting personal identity. Essenceconsists of what the individual chooses to do, so that actions are notactions of the self; rather the self is a product of action.

Prior to their epiphanies, the participants’ capacity for choicemaking, and more broadly their means of relating to the world,was influenced and shaped by their alienation.

I . . . understood the concept of cowardice at a very early age. Iknew it was actually wrong to run away from these people. . . . Iwould run away. Cowardice has been a huge burden in my life.(Peter)

For years, that whole black suit thing and corporate working envi-ronment. I just hated myself because underneath I knew I was try-ing to be something I wasn’t. It was like I had no choice at the time.

I hated myself. (Michelle)

There was always the invisible control sitting on the back of myshoulder. I was always alert and fearful. I felt unsure of myself.(Cathy)

As the participants grew into adulthood, their choices continuedto stem from an alienated self-identity. This became the source of their anxiety, depression, and inner turmoil prior to their epiphanies,

which generated a period of deep and penetrating self-questioning. A willingness to question oneself, Kierkegaard (1849) argued, arisesout of the courage to become aware of one’s alienation.This providedthe participants with insight and perspective, inspiring them to cre-ate new and more authentic elements of self-identity.










For Peter, it was a choice to accept that there was something deeper within him, a voice he could share with the world; for

Michelle, it was a choice to renew and reaffirm a past passion anddesire to become a nurse; for Janet, it was a choice to acknowledgethe impact of sexual abuse in shaping her past, allowing her to rec-oncile her life in the present and to project herself into the future;for Cathy, it was a choice to create a new lesbian self-identity thatincorporated more supportive self-beliefs and alternative values.

Self-Identity and Temporality

Whenever Dasein tacitly understands and interprets something like Being, it does so with time as its standpoint. Time must bebrought to light—and genuinely conceived—the horizon for allunderstanding of Being and for any way of interpreting it.

—Heidegger (1927, p. 17)

Self-identity is a synthesis of one’s past, one’s future possibilities,and being ahead of oneself in making a present (Heidegger, 1927,

p. 350). In contrast, theories of self-identity framed within the con-cept of linear time are alienating because of their preoccupation withthe present at the expense of the past and future possibilities.

Authentic existence becomes lost in linear time because it denies thenarrative structure of self-identity, which is accomplished by cumu-lativeness, coherence, and direction (Guignon, 1993, p. 230).

A temporal analysis of epiphanies begins with the experience of anxiety, depression, and inner turmoil in the months and weeks

prior to the participant’s epiphany. According to Heidegger (1987,p. 46), the essence of depression is a privation of time—one’s past iscontaminated, creating a barrier to the meaningful projection of oneself into the future. Each of the participants, prior to his or herepiphany(ies), viewed his or her past life through the prism of either

victimhood (Michelle, Janet, Cathy) or omnipotence (Peter). Thepast was relived over and again as a series of either shameful (vic-timhood) or guilt-inducing (omnipotent) events.

Through the pain of depression, the participants asked them-selves fundamental existential questions (e.g., Who am I? What isthe purpose and meaning of my life? Is my life worth living any-more?). This quest for answers illuminated their inauthentic andauthentic modes of existence, providing the impetus and inspira-tion to uncover and reconstruct their life stories in more coherentways. The participants achieved this by renewing their respective











pasts by integrating them into a more unified narrative, enabling them to project themselves more meaningfully into the future.

I think I used to be the child I was—the abused child—but nowthat child is OK. At the time, I thought everything about me wasrotten. Really, I was a shy child. Whether things would have beendifferent if circumstance had been different I don’t know, but Ithink really I was quite shy and sensitive and would never havebeen the leader of the pack at school. It’s just an acceptance thatthat was the child I was and that child is now actually fine.(Michelle)

I was doing things that I wasn’t even aware of, so once you becomeaware, you become more in tune with yourself. (Janet)

Self-Identity, Anxiety, and Depression

Emotion is not an accident, it is a mode of our conscious existence,one of the ways in which consciousness understands . . . itsBeing-in-the-world.

—Sartre (1939, p. 61)

Anxiety and depression represent a uniquely human experi-ence because unlike animals, human beings are open to theirworld; they are interpretative, temporal, meaning-making crea-tures (Heidegger, 1927; Kierkegaard, 1845). The root of anxietyand depression is an overriding sense of meaninglessness con-cerning one’s past and possible future, leading to a closing downof one’s possibilities. In contrast to modern theories of psy-

chopathology (Salecl, 2004), Kierkegaard (1849) viewed melan-choly, irony, anxiety, and despair as the beginning of selfhood;they are moods that prompt a deep and penetrating inspection of one’s existence, including one’s tragedies.

The warden locked the cell door, and this terrible fear arose insideme. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed and somebody’s mouthing off in the next cell. Babbling on. I’m looking around and I’ve been toldthis is my home for the next 2 weeks until I go to court, and I’m

thinking, “I can’t believe I’m in here. I want to get out. . . . Whyam I here? I’m not a bad person. Why have I ended up here? Howis it that my life has become so out of control?” (Janet)

You’ve had enough and you really don’t care anymore about whatothers might think of you. I just remember asking myself the ques-tion, “What about me?” It really becomes about survival. You cometo this momentous decision, “Am I going to live, because I haven’t











made a decision on that yet? If I am going to live, it’s going to bemy life, because if I have to keep living like this, I am not going tostay around anymore.” (Cathy)

It is argued that the trigger for the participants’ epiphanies wasthe manner in which they resolved their suffering. A commonapproach to suffering is to trade one’s static, alienated self-identityfor another static, alienated self-identity (Kierkegaard, 1849). Incontrast, the participants in this inquiry chose to resolve their suf-fering by making a frightening leap toward a yet-to-be-determinedself-identity (Golomb, 1995, p. 51; Sartre, 1948, pp. 27-28).

One of the biggest changes since my epiphany is that I feel I havepermission to open the box titled Peter’s Identity. . . . What arethe things in this box that actually says the identity of who thisperson is? And that’s pretty exciting, and that’s keeping me alivemore than anything because now I’m intrigued. I know it’s not anempty box anymore. (Peter)

I used to always look at other people and think they do that well,

their hair looks great, and maybe I should do that. A lot of themwere men like my father that I looked up to. Since the epiphany,there hasn’t been anyone. I really don’t feel like that about peopleanymore. I don’t want to be anyone else. I feel like when I meetpeople, they’re not on that pedestal anymore. . . . Since I havemore of an identity about myself, there’s not that great need to goout and find it in others. (Michelle)

Self-Identity and Relatedness

Self-identity is always in context with others; we exist in a rela-tional field. Our fundamental relatedness means that our awarenessof ourselves is intersubjective (Heidegger, 1927, pp. 118-119; Sartre,1948, p. 45). The participant’s capacity for relatedness, and the for-mation of an ontologically secure self-identity (Laing, 1960, p. 39),was arrested because of his or her relational experiences in child-hood and adolescence.

From that time [the attack in the common], that set in place achain of insecurity and inferiority about my looks, about who I was,my whole identity. (Peter)

My parents ignored my sister and I; it was like this disease thatran through my whole family. (Michelle)











She [her mother] was totally controlled by my father when he wasaround, and she played the submissive role. When he wasn’taround, she would often complain to us children about him; how-

ever, when he was around, it was suddenly her and him against thekids. (Cathy)

As a result of their respective epiphanies and the creation of amore ontologically secure self-identity, each of the participants’capacity for relatedness improved. Their epiphanies illuminatedtheir isolation from, and fear of, others. As they grew in confi-dence, they became more honest with themselves and less defen-

sive, pulling away their masks and learning to be more open andgenuine with others. As Golomb (1990, p. 246) argued, it is onlyby changing one’s relationship with oneself that one is able tochange one’s relationships with others.

What is striking about the participants’ experience of life beforeand after their epiphanies is the courage they drew from making aleap toward a yet-to-be-determined self-identity; this had implica-tions for each of the participants in the way they began to negotiatethe fundamental condition of relatedness.For example,as Peter let goof his victim mentality, he was able to finally make a decision to endhis loveless, sexless marriage. Michelle’s increased self-awarenessand confidence, which stemmed from the construction of greatermeaning and purpose in her life, gave her the courage to let go of herneedy-dependent behavior, enabling her to forge deeper, less superfi-cial connections with others. By facing and transcending her shameand guilt, Janet was able to summon up the courage to take the manwho raped her to court. Cathy’s coming out as a lesbian gave her the

courage to live by and express her own values, instead of trying toplease and gain approval from others.

Self-Identity and the Socio-Cultural World

Nietzsche saw the process of authenticity as an artistic creation tobe expressed in much the same way as a writer approaches a literarywork; self-identity is uniquely distinctive with no template or pregiven

standards (Golomb,1995,pp.68-69;Guignon, 2004b,p.131).Nietzsche(1895) believed that because of the challenges posed by this monu-mental task, many individuals, and society more widely, prefer toavoid it. They do this by hiding behind social, political, and religiousideologies/identities or other alienated identities that seek to protectand immure against the conditions of existence. In the participants’life stories, we see various sociocultural standards close down thepossibility for authentic modes of existence.












Catholic schools are very unjust places because they support thestrong and subjugate the weak. It’s a real survival of the fittestenvironment, like Lord of the Flies. (Peter)

I remember my confirmation in church, and it just made me feeleven more guilty for having allowed myself to be raped. It wasaround the time of my confirmation that I began smoking mari-

juana. (Janet)

As I was growing up, I realized that homosexuality for both menand women was a taboo subject. I remember being taught by ateacher who was a lesbian, and when I told my parents, they

explained that it was something that should never be talked about:“You keep these things to yourself.” . . . At school, homosexualitywas only ever talked about in a derogatory manner or as a form of

verbal abuse. . . . I had boyfriends at school and remember being well liked by them, yet you knew nothing of what it was like to bea lesbian, so you just never even considered it. (Cathy)

The participants’ epiphanies represented an overcoming of repressive sociocultural standards; for example, in Janet’s life

story, we see the development of greater spiritual maturationaway from organized religion, whereas in Cathy, we see a new-found courage to face society’s prejudices toward homosexuality.

I have become very skeptical of religion. If you look at my parents,they are supposed to be religious, but they’re not spiritual people.Their religious faith has more to do with tradition in terms of whatshould be done rather than any emphasis on a spiritual life. . . .Since my epiphany, I feel I have become a more spiritual person,

especially in the way I think about death. . . . I’m definitely morespiritual because of it, but I’m definitely not religious like myparents. (Janet)

There is a lot of fear and prejudice around lesbians, or gay couplesin general. . . . Because you are gay, people think that you areattracted to all women. This isn’t right. Lesbians are attracted toother lesbians. . . . A lesbian is a woman who is attracted to otherlesbians. (Cathy)

Self-Identity, Meaning, and Purpose

A meaningful life begins with a commitment to openness, illu-mination, and insight and a commitment to one’s possibilities asopposed to being closed off, concealed, and alienated (Heidegger,cited in Guignon, 2004a, p. 128). If we accept the idea that self-identity is a vocation, then part of this task is to create something











that is worth living and fighting for, even dying for (van Deurzen,2002, p. 32). The paradox inherent in this struggle is that one

must first pass through a crisis of meaninglessness (Sartre, 1938)by confronting utter despair (Kierkegaard, 1849).

I realized from the time I began working that I had been pursuing something, chasing something, some sort of purpose that wasdefined by career and not necessarily by a breadth of who you are,and an identity. So I wasn’t building an all-round person. . . .

After periods of crisis I simply fell into a deep sleep. . . . In asense, I had become alienated from myself, everyone, and every-thing around me. (Peter)

I was extremely lonely. It was like I was in this huge city. Therewere people bustling everywhere, and I wasn’t a part of it. Thatmade it even lonelier. . . . I would think, “Where are they going?What have they got to do? These people have somewhere to go,something to do. They know who they are. They know what to do.They’ve got a loved one somewhere.” It was always that sense of not knowing who I am, what I’m supposed to be doing. (Michelle)

Meaning and purpose, according to van Deurzen (2002, p. 184),can be created only if we are prepared to make those commitmentsto our conscious dictates. Listening to one’s inner voice offersinsight into the contrasting modes of inauthentic and authenticself-identity, which stimulate an awareness and understanding of new meaning. Awareness of the various modes of existence offersalternative self-identities, ones with new possibilities, priorities,

values, and basic assumptions. By listening to their conscious dic-

tates, the participants became inspired and motivated to begin tak-ing responsibility for defining themselves by committing to apurpose and, with it, a new direction in life.

I think that’s what I want my mission in life to be. Someone whosits there and is a modern-day scribe of these things. Someone whocan be a philosopher and share those stories with other people inlife. That’s a mission now. I never realized that it was something that was accessible to me. I never realized that that’s the mythol-

ogy of who I am and what I want to be. So I’ve started to get to thepoint of identity. (Peter)

For me, nursing isn’t about sticking up IVs and things like that.[It’s a] sense that there was a place for me at the very heart of whoI was. It’s . . . about connecting with people. That’s what reallysustains me. The money wasn’t sustaining me. Money wasn’t giv-ing me that sense of connecting with people. (Michelle)











CONCLUSION

To sum up, the participants’ epiphanic transformations beganwith a crisis of meaninglessness and guilt associated with thedeliberate closing down of their possibilities. This led to frustra-tion, discontent, and eventually turmoil, depression, and neuroticanxiety. The participants’ strategies for avoiding the conditions of existence began to fail, out of which arose a distinctive catalyticdepression characterized by intense self-analysis and a penetrat-ing reflection on their situation in the world. They acknowledgedand encountered the conditions of existence (freedom, responsibil-ity, choice, temporality, anxiety and depression, meaning and pur-pose, and others such as death), which provided the impetus for areappraisal and questioning of their basic assumptions, values,and beliefs. This created a dissonance between the minor insightsgained during this period of self-analysis and the past choices theyhad made in their life. This process was coupled with a significantevent, whether coincidental or not, in which the participantsresponded with sheer force of will and passion by summoning a

profound insight or perspective into consciousness, which led to thepainful realization of their inauthentic mode of existence. The par-ticipants resolved to overcome their alienation by undertaking afrightening leap (existential leap) into the unknown toward a newand more authentic self-identity, where they were prepared toacknowledge and negotiate the conditions of existence.

In terms of implications, it is argued that this inquiry illus-trates one process by which adult survivors of child abuse may

achieve recovery. It provides an understanding on the nature of growth and transcendence in a population whose development inchildhood is often seriously arrested. It builds on anecdotal evi-dence from the field of trauma counseling, which suggests thatsudden positive transformations in adult survivors of childhoodabuse are not a rare phenomenon (Tennen & Affleck, 1998, pp. 86-88). In fact, sudden positive transformations in general are morecommon than many people think. For example, stories from par-

ticipants of Alcoholics Anonymous are littered with accounts of suf-ferers who have reported the sudden and complete loss of the desireto drink, persisting for the remainder of their lives (Forcehimes,2004; Kurtz, 1988).

One of the most striking aspects of this inquiry was the way inwhich the participants negotiated the existential dilemmas intheir lives, using them to redefine their self-identities, testifying











to the power of human freedom and choice in triggering positivetransformations. It also highlights the extraordinary resources that

the participants called on to make positive lifelong changes, all of which occurred outside the consulting room.This suggests that other,less intensive forms of personal development, such as Alcoholics

Anonymous, outdoor education (such as Outward Bound), and careerdevelopment and counseling, have the potential to trigger positivechange and transformation by creating opportunities for participantsto reflect on the fundamental conditions of existence and the mannerin which they encounter and negotiate these givens of life.

Finally, epiphanies are just one type of positive change and growthamong many others; they are no more or less important than otherslower, more incremental types of positive change. Furthermore,authentic modes of existence may be illuminated through an epiphanybut never permanently attained. Authenticity is a transient state of existence because the self, according to Heidegger (1927), is immersedin the average everyday—in alienation—and so is continuously drawntoward the inauthentic (Ciaffa, 1987). Therefore, epiphanies do notrepresent the final goal or endpoint in a journey toward self-becoming.

NOTE

1. Pseudonyms have been used to identify each of the participants.

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