english official writing

© Copyright reserved – reproduction by permission only

Official Languages Division Civil Service Bureau

October 2003

Style Guide on Official Writing

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Foreword

This style handbook was commissioned by the former Official Languages Agency andproduced by the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology College of LifelongLearning. It is based on the needs of Official Languages Officers as determined throughpersonal interviews, a grade-wide survey and the analyses of samples of writtendocuments produced by officers from all ranks working in various government bureauxand departments.

It covers the basics of layout and style for various types of correspondence, andespecially highlights the need for contemporary forms of clear, concise expression. Eachchapter contains tips as well as examples of faulty writing and model alternatives. Adviceon language use is drawn from samples of documents produced by Governmentdepartments, and therefore should be relevant to the daily needs of working officers.

As language officers we take great pride in our services to the various departments of theGovernment of the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region. We translate, draft andedit a wide range of documents that reflect the priorities of the departments which weserve and the needs of our various readers. Nevertheless, every document we produceshould aim for consistently high standards of clarity and effectiveness.

English business correspondence has greatly changed in recent years. It offers manychoices and defies simple rules. This guide is not intended as a rule book and does notcover detailed questions about grammar and mechanics. It should rather serve as a basisfor writing decisions that will improve the clarity and consistency of communicationscoming out of your office or department.

Many colleagues and departments contributed suggestions and points of views to earlierdrafts of this guide. Our thanks to them, especially to the Director of Administration andthe Director of Civil Service Training and Development Institute for their patience andtime in helping to make this a relevant and practical reference.

Official Languages DivisionCivil Service Bureau

October 2003

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Table of Contents

Chapter One: The Layout of Correspondence 1

1.1 Layout Styles 11.2 Punctuation for Salutations and Addresses 21.3 Dates 41.4 Avoiding Jargon and Unnecessary Words 51.5 Talk to the Reader 61.6 Tips on Layout and Style 7

1.7 – 1.10 Examples of Letter Styles 8

Chapter Two: Forms of Address 12

2.1 Introduction 122.2 Government, Legislators and Civil Service 122.3 Judiciary 132.4 Clergy 142.5 HKSAR Honours 152.6 Consular and Professional Titles 162.7 Foreign Honours and Titles 162.8 Addressing More than One Person 172.9 Complimentary Closes – US and British Differences 18

Chapter Three: Categories of Correspondence 20

3.1 Notices and Letters Providing Information 20

3.1.1 Public Notices – Tips on Layout and Style 203.1.2 Letters Providing Information 213.1.3 Press Statements – Tips on Layout and Style 21

3.1.4 – 3.1.10 Examples of Faulty Letters and Model Alternatives 22

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3.2 Letters Requesting Information or Demanding Action 31

3.2.1 Requesting a Favour – Tips on Layout 323.2.2 Persuading Letters – An Exception 323.2.3 Letters Demanding Action – Tips on Layout 333.2.4 Invitations – Tips on Layout 333.2.15 Language Use – Switching Personal Pronouns 43


3.3 Letters of Acknowledgement 44

3.3.1 Letters of Thanks, Congratulations and Acceptance 443.3.2 Letters of Apology – Tips on Layout and Style 453.3.3 Sending Condolences – Tips on Layout and Style 463.3.4 Avoiding Overly Emphatic Language 47


3.4 Declining Letters and Letters Conveying Bad News 62

3.4.1 General Tips on Layout 623.4.2 Declining Invitations – Tips on Layout 62


Chapter Four: Ceremonial Writing 67

4.1 Introduction 674.2 Language Use 674.3 Tips on Layout and Style 68

4.4 – 4.8 Examples of Faulty Ceremonial Writing and Model Alternatives 69

Chapter Five: Speech Openings 73

5.1 Opening Styles 735.2 Humour 745.3 Tips on Style 75

5.4 Extracts of Speeches with Suggested Alternatives 76

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Chapter Six: Memoranda, Circulars and Email 79

6.1 Memoranda – Tips on Layout and Style 796.3 Circulars – Tips on Layout and Style 826.5 Email – Tips on Layout and Style 856.6 Email Abbreviations 86

6.2 A Sample Memo 816.4 A Sample Circular 84

Chapter Seven: Minutes 87

7.1 Reported Speech 877.2 Tips on Layout 887.5 Reporting Verbs 897.7 Be Concise 90

7.3 – 7.4 Sample Minutes and Report 887.6 Table of Alternatives to ‘Say’ 90

Chapter Eight: More Succinct Writing 92

8.1 Common Errors in Translations 94

8.2 – 8.7 Examples of Common Errors and Model Alternatives 94

Appendix – The Language of Appraisals 100

Useful Verbs (Positive and Negative) 100Common Appraisal Phrases 102

Index 104

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Chapter One: The Layout of Correspondence

1.1 Layout Styles

There are four main styles for the layout of letters:

• The indented style is the established form for Government letters. The first line ofeach paragraph is indented. The date, complimentary close and signature areeither aligned to the right or start at the centre and move to the right. The writer’sname and designation are usually positioned symmetrically beneath thecomplimentary close. The subject line is centred. If no letterhead is used, thesender’s address may be positioned either above the reader’s address on the left oropposite the reader’s address on the right. All other text begins at the left margin.

• The straightforward block style aligns the address, the date, the reference, thesubject heading, the salutation, the body and the complimentary close to the left.

The sender’s address is positioned on the left, above the reader’s address. Sometimes the sender’s address forms part of the letterhead, spanning the top length of the page.

The block style is a popular business style.

• The modified block style differs from the block style in three respects: (1) The sender’s address and the date are aligned to the right, (alternatively, the date startsat the centre and moves to the right); (2) The subject line, if there is one, is centred; (3) The complimentary close starts at the centre of the page and moves tothe right.

The reader’s address should remain on the left. Moving both addresses to the right tends to upset the balance of the letter.

• The simplified style is the same as the block style but it dispenses with thesalutation and complimentary close. This is a fast and easy format, ideal forstandard letters to several recipients.

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1.2 Punctuation for Salutations and Addresses

Ending Your Salutation

Use a comma to end your salutation. This is the general rule in Britain and it applies to allcorrespondence. In the United States, a colon is widely used for business letters while acomma is reserved for personal letters. An alternative for business letters in bothcountries is not to punctuate at all.

Dear Mr Jones, (UK all and US informal)Dear Mr Jones: (US formal)Dear Mr Jones (UK/US business)

Remember to be consistent. If you decide not to punctuate your salutation, don’tpunctuate your complimentary close. The consistency rule applies to punctuationthroughout your letter. In the absence of specific rules, keep your punctuation pattern thesame.

Punctuating Abbreviated Titles

The trend in the UK is not to punctuate the initials of persons’ names and common titlessuch as Mr AJ Smith, Mrs BC Brown, Ms D Lee. Professional titles such as Dr., Prof.,Rev. are usually punctuated and so are foreign titles such as: M. (Monsieur), Mme.(Madame). Remember that Miss is not an abbreviation so it should not be punctuated.

In the United States, punctuating all titles is still the norm, and as professional orhonorary titles following a name are punctuated. In the UK, the same rule applies, e.g.Ph.D. However, there is a growing tendency not to punctuate familiar titles that are alsocapitalised:

Degrees: MA, BA, MBA, MBE

Punctuating Familiar Abbreviations

Familiar abbreviations that contain the first and last letters of a word do not needpunctuation:

Rd (Road), St (Street), Bldg (Building), St (Saint), Blvd (Boulevard), Ave (Avenue)

But ‘Crescent’ and ‘Incorporated’ are punctuated: ‘Cres.’, ‘Inc.’

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An exception is ‘Limited’ which tends to be punctuated (‘Ltd.’) unless it is capitalised.

In both the United States and the UK, punctuation is often not used for capitalisedabbreviations of companies or organisations: USA, UK, ABC Ltd., DLF Inc. However, ifthe company name spells a real word then it is probably wise to punctuate in order toavoid confusion: C.A.T. Ltd.

Style Tips

Many people dislike following a full stop with a comma ‘Ltd.,’ as this can lookmessy. It is common practice to omit the last full stop in an abbreviation if it isfollowed by a comma or full stop.

In the body of a letter, you should spell out the full name of the company inbrackets after the abbreviation if it is not well-known:

ABC Ltd. (Associated Biscuit Company Limited)

Obviously abbreviation is unnecessary if you only refer to the company once in the letter.

Latin Abbreviations

The usual practice is to punctuate Latin abbreviations, unless the abbreviation is followedby a full stop. Often these are placed in italics, although this is not a rule.

Latin abbreviations should be avoided in a letter. Writing ‘for example’ looks much niceron a page than ‘e.g.’. Generally, these abbreviations should only be used in footnotes.Postscripts (P.S.) should also be avoided. If your letter is drafted correctly, all relevantinformation should be contained in the body.

e.g. for example cf. comparei.e. in other words v. consultviz. namely etc. and so onet al. and other people

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Other Abbreviations

Measurements

For measurements, use abbreviations only if they follow numbers and not words:

Three inches or 3 in.

You should always have a space between the number and the abbreviation: 8 ft.

1.3 Dates

Spell out the month fully and position the day either before or after it. In the UK, it is stillcommon practice to write ‘th’ after the day. A comma is only required if the day comesbefore the year.

January 20, 2003 (US/UK) 20th January 2003 (UK) 20 January 2003 (UK/US)

Without punctuation

yr (year) / cm (centimetre) / mm (millimetre) /

oz (ounce) / ft (foot) / lb (pound) / m (metre) /

kg (kilogramme)

With punctuation

in. (inch) / no. (number) / a.d. (anno Domini) /

b.c. (before Christ)

Either

a.m. / am p.m. / pm PS / P.S. cc / c.c.

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1.4 Avoiding Jargon and Unnecessary Words

Your letter will be clearer if you keep the language simple. If presented with the choice,always opt for the shorter, more common word.

Avoid

The proposal of this project has been appendixed herewith for yourconsideration

Thank you for your invitation inviting me to the annual dinner.At this point in time…We have made a decision…Enclosed herewith… Due to the fact that…With regard to…We have given due consideration to the fact that…In the event that…AforementionedAbove-mentioned

Replace with

Please refer to the attached project proposal…Thank you for your invitation to the annual dinner…Now…We have decided…Enclosed… Because/ Due to…Regarding…We have considered…If…Often you don’t need ‘aforementioned’ or ‘above-mentioned’ at all.

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1.5 Talk to the Reader

Use language that talks directly to the reader. Avoid making grand statements about yourdepartment’s plans or policy. This can appear pompous and may alienate the reader. Inthe example below, compare the ‘we’ statements in Sample One and the ‘you’ referencesin Sample Two.

Sample One

Dear Mr Wong,

The Fire Safety Council has been planning to produce a booklet on fire

safety for primary school children. We see this meaningful project as an

opportunity to serve the community and I would like, on behalf of the

Hong Kong Fire Service, to invite you to join us in a partnership to

produce the booklet.

Sample Two

Dear Mr Wong,

I am writing to ask whether you would be interested in helping us

produce a booklet on fire safety for primary school children.

Your experience in this field makes you an obvious partner and

we would appreciate your input in this important community project.

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1.6 Tips on Layout and Style

If the letter is long, allow an inch for your left and right margins. If the letter isshort, make your margins bigger and start the body of your letter further down thepage. For short letters, it is a good idea to double or triple space your lines.

A letter looks more balanced if the paragraphs are about the same size. A recipientis more likely to read your letter if the paragraphs are short. As a general rule,they should be no more than six lines long.

Your sentences should be short. Long sentences are always capable of being

reduced or split into two. A sentence of about 20 words is easier to digest.

If your paragraph is complicated, or you need to refer to a list of items or tasks, itis a good idea to use bullet points.

If you need to quote anything longer than one line, you are advised to indent it ona separate line and create one line of space above and below it.

Get to the point in the first two lines. An exception to this applies when you haveto convey bad news or persuade someone. In these situations, it may be moreeffective to build up your case, or ‘prepare the ground’, before getting to the point.

Each paragraph should contain one main point, presented at the beginning of theparagraph rather than at the end.

Always be courteous. Never order anyone to do something. Use ‘please’ and‘thank you’ wherever possible.

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1.7 Letter Styles – Indented Style

LETTERHEAD WITH ADDRESS

13 January 2003

Mr Joseph Barnes15 Tai Ting RdAnon TownNew Territories

Dear Mr Barnes,

2003 Quality Building Management Competition

I would like to ask your permission to use your company logo onour promotional posters for this year’s Quality Building Competition.

We plan to hold the competition on Tuesday 3 July to promoteeffective building management among local companies. This is thefirst time the event has been staged in Anon Town.

As the winner of last year’s Clean Buildings Award, yourcompany is well-known for its environmental efforts. Lending yourname to the competition would certainly help to boost its profile aswell as generate some good publicity.

Please let me know if you are interested. I can be contacted byphone on 21234567.

Yours sincerely,

Michael Wong

Chairman of the Housing Committee,Anon District Council

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1.8 Letter Styles – Block Style


13 January 2003


Dear Mr Barnes,


I would like to ask your permission to use your company logo on ourpromotional posters for this year’s Quality Building Competition.


As the winner of last year’s Clean Buildings Award, your company iswell-known for its environmental efforts. Lending your name to thecompetition would certainly help to boost its profile as well asgenerate some good publicity.

Please let me know if you are interested. I can be contacted by phoneon 21234567.

Yours sincerely,

Michael Wong


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1.9 Letter Styles – Modified Block Style


13 January 2003


Dear Mr Barnes,




As the winner of last year’s Clean Buildings Award, your company iswell-known for its environmental efforts. Lending your name to thecompetition would certainly help to boost its profile as well asgenerate some good publicity.

Please let me know if you are interested. I can be contacted by phoneon 21234567.

Yours sincerely,

Michael Wong


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1.10 Letter Styles – Simplified Style


13 January 2003

Attention: All Property Developers



We plan to hold the competition on Tuesday 3 July to promoteeffective building management among local companies. It will be thefirst event ever staged in Anon Town.

Lending your name to the competition would certainly help to boostits profile as well as generate some good publicity. Please let meknow if you are interested. I can be contacted by phone on 21234567.

Michael Wong

Chairman of the Housing CommitteeAnon District Council

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Chapter Two: Forms of Address

2.1 Introduction

This chapter reviews the correct forms of address of those in Government, the civilservice, the judiciary, the professions, the diplomatic corps, the clergy and those withhonorific titles.

This is by no means a definite list and further particulars can be found in The Governmentof the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region Staff List; The Government of the HongKong Special Administrative Region Civil and Miscellaneous Lists; the Central CyberGovernment Office’s Precedence List; Whitaker’s Almanac and Who’s Who.

2.2 GOVERNMENT / LEGISLATORS / CIVIL SERVICE

Post Salutation Address

The Chief Executive Sir/Madam The Honourable NAME

The Chief Secretary forAdministration

Sir/Madam The Honourable NAME

Executive and LegislativeCouncil Members1 Sir/Madam

The Honourable NAMEThe Honourable Sir/Dame

NAMEDr. the Honourable NAMEProf. the Honourable NAME

All other members in thiscategory

Dear Sir/MadamDear Mr etc. + surnameDear Sir, Lady + first nameDear Dr. etc. + surname

Mr, Mrs, Miss, MsORReplace with academic (Prof.)

professional (Dr.) or foreignhonorific titles (Sir, Lady,Dame)

1 Complimentary close for all Executive and Legislative Councillors:‘I am Sir/Madam,Yours faithfully’

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2.3 THE JUDICIARY


The Chief Justice of the Court ofFinal Appeal2

Sir/MadamOfficial:The Honourable the Chief

Justice of Hong Kong.Semi-official:The Honourable Mr Justice

NAME, Chief Justice

Permanent/Non-Permanent Judgeof the Court of Final Appeal

Sir/MadamThe Honourable Mr Justice

NAME, Permanent/Non-Permanent Judge, Court ofFinal Appeal.

The Honourable Madam JusticeNAME

The Honourable Mrs JusticeNAME

Chief Judge of the High Court Sir/Madam The Honourable Mr/Mrs/MadamJustice NAME, Chief Judge,High Court

High Court Judge Sir/Madam The Honourable Mr/Mrs/MadamJustice NAME, High Court

District Court Judge3 Sir/Madam His/Her Honour Judge NAME

Magistrate4 Dear Sir/Madam Mr, Mrs, Miss, Ms

Note

Certain non-permanent judges of the Court of Final Appeal hold honorific titles such as‘Sir’ or ‘Lord’ and for those who have sat on Britain’s Privy Council, ‘The RightHonourable’. However, while sitting on the Court of Final Appeal they should bereferred to in the normal way: ‘The Honourable Mr Justice…’

2 Address in Court for all judges above District Court level: My Lord, My Lady, Your Lordship/Ladyship3 Address in Court for District Court Judges: Your Honour4 Address in Court for Magistrates: Sir/Madam

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2.4 THE CLERGY


Anglican Archbishop of HongKong5

Dear Archbishop

Your Grace

The Most Reverend NAME,Archbishop and Primate ofHong Kong

Catholic Bishop of Hong Kong

Most Reverend Sir

Your Excellency

Dear Bishop NAME

The Most Reverend the Bishop ofthe Roman Catholic Church inHong Kong

The Most Reverend NAME (lessformal)

Dean of St John’s Cathedral Dear Dean The Very Reverend the Dean, StJohn’s Cathedral

The Pope Your HolinessMost Holy Father

His Holiness Pope NAME

Cardinal Your Eminence His Eminence Cardinal NAME,Archbishop of PLACE NAME

Archbishop Your ExcellencyYour Grace

The Most Reverend NAME,Archbishop of PLACE NAME

Bishop (Catholic) Dear Bishop NAMEYour Excellency

The Most Reverend NAME,Bishop of PLACE NAME

The Most Reverend NAME

Bishop (Protestant) Dear Bishop NAME The Right Reverend NAME,Bishop of PLACE NAME

Catholic Priest Dear Father NAMEDear Reverend Father

The Reverend Father NAME

Anglican Priest Dear Reverend NAME The Reverend NAME

Nun Dear SisterDear Sister NAME

Sister NAME

Rabbi Dear SirReverend SirDear Rabbi NAME

Rabbi NAMEThe Reverend NAME

Buddhist Monk/Nun Dear Venerable NAME Ven. NAMEVenerable Sik NAMEVenerable NAME

5 Complimentary close for Pope, Cardinals, Archbishops, Bishops: ‘I am, Sir/Madam, Yours faithfully’. Allothers: ‘Yours faithfully’.

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2.5 HONG KONG SAR HONOURS

When writing to those awarded honours under the HKSAR’s official honours system,you should use the initials of the award after their names. Recipients of Hong Kong’shighest award, the Grand Bauhinia Medal, may use the title ‘The Honourable’ beforetheir name.

Awarded Honour Salutation Address

The Grand Bauhinia Medal Dear Sir/Madam The Honourable NAME, GBM

The Gold Bauhinia Star Dear Sir/Madam Mr/Mrs etc. NAME, GBS

The Silver Bauhinia Star Dear Sir/Madam Mr/Mrs etc. NAME, SBS

The Bronze Bauhinia Star Dear Sir/Madam Mr/Mrs etc. NAME, BBS

The Medal of Honour Dear Sir/Madam Mr/Mrs etc. NAME, MH

Medal for Bravery (Gold) Dear Sir/Madam Mr/Mrs etc. NAME, MBG

Medal for Bravery (Silver) Dear Sir/Madam Mr/Mrs etc. NAME, MBS

Medal for Bravery (Bronze) Dear Sir/Madam Mr/Mrs etc. NAME, MBB

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2.6 CONSULAR AND PROFESSIONAL TITLES


Foreign Consul-General6 Dear Sir/MadamDear Mr/Mrs etc.

NAME, Esq.Consul-General of COUNTRY,

Hong Kong.

Ambassador and HighCommissioner6

Your Excellency,Sir/MadamDear Ambassador/High

Commissioner

His/Her Excellency TITLE (e.g.Sir) NAME, Ambassador/HighCommissioner of COUNTRY

Physician Dear Dr. NAMEDear Doctor

Dr. NAME

Prof. / Professor Dear Professor NAME Professor/ Prof. NAME

College Dean Dear Dean NAME Dear Dean NAME

Academic Doctorate Dear Dr. NAME Dr. NAME

Dentist Dear Dr. NAME Dr. NAME (Qualification Initials)

Surgeon Dear Dr. NAME Dr. NAME (Qualification Initials)

Veterinary Surgeon Dear Dr. NAME Dr. NAME (Qualification Initials)

2.7 FOREIGN HONOURS AND TITLES


Duke/Duchess Dear Duke/Duchess The Duke/Duchess of PLACE

Earl/Countess Dear Lord/Lady PLACE NAME The Earl/Countess of PLACE

Dame Dear Dame FIRST NAME Dame FULL NAME

Baron/Baroness Dear Lord/Lady NAMEDear Baron/Baroness NAME

The Baron/Baroness NAME ofPLACE

Knight Dear Sir/Dear Sir FIRST NAME Sir FULL NAME

Wife of Knight Dear Lady NAME Lady NAME

6 Complimentary close: ‘I avail myself of the opportunity to renew to you, Sir/Madam, the assurance of myhighest consideration’ or ‘I take the opportunity of renewing to you Sir/Madam, the assurance of myhighest consideration’.

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2.8 Addressing More than One Person

Plurals

The plurals of Mr, Mrs and Dr. are Messrs, Mmes and Drs. respectively.

Address: Drs. J. Smith and J. Jones

For salutations to a group of people, you are advised to find the noun that identifies themas a group. For example: Dear Doctors, Dear Occupants, Dear Tenants, DearAssociation Members, Dear Staff, Dear Guests, Dear Visitors, Dear All.

Alternatively, you can address the group collectively and then use the singular, genericsalutation: Dear Sir/Madam.

Address: The Occupants of Hilton Towers

Salutation: Dear Sir/Madam,

For a group of men, Dear Gentlemen or Dear Sirs are equally acceptable.There are no reliable ways to address a group of women. Dear Ladies is acceptable forspecial female-only events or social functions. It would not, however, be appropriate toaddress a group of people at work, who just happened to be female, as Dear Ladiesbecause drawing unnecessary attention to gender may be regarded by some as mildlyoffensive. In these situations, it would be better to write: Dear Staff or Dear Colleagues.

Couples

If you need to address a married couple, then you can either write:

Mr and Mrs David Howard or

Mr David and Mrs Jean Howard

If either spouse has a title, then use the title first:

Dr. Jean and Mr David Howard

Your salutation should be:

Dear Doctor and Mr Howard

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If couples have different surnames:

Mr David Howard and Ms Jean Smith

Your salutation should be:

Dear Mr Howard and Ms Smith, or Dear Mr David Howard and Ms Jean Smith,

It is still conventional to put the husband’s name first. When addressing two individuals,or an unmarried couple, living at the same address, you should order the namesalphabetically.

Gender Unknown

If you are unsure of the names of those you wish to address, To Whom It May Concernfollowed by Dear Sir/Madam would be appropriate.

If the reader’s gender is unclear, don’t guess. Write out their full name or use their initialsand surname, omitting the gender specific title.

Address: A.B. Mahoney. Salutation: Dear A.B. Mahoney, or Dear Dr. Mahoney.

2.9 Complimentary Closes – US and British Differences

In Britain, the general rule is fairly simple. If the person’s name is used in the salutation,close with ‘Yours sincerely’. If the name is not used (e.g. Dear Sir), then close with‘Yours faithfully’.

In the United States, ‘Yours faithfully’ is rarely used. Typical American closes include:

American Closes

Business:

Sincerely, Sincerely yoursRespectfully, Respectfully yoursRegards, Kind regardsCordiallyYours truly

Social:

Best wishesFaithfullyVery truly yoursLove

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In the UK, ‘Sincerely’, ‘Yours truly’ and ‘Cordially’ are rarely used. More commoncloses are:

British Closes

Business:

Yours sincerelyYours faithfullyRegardsKind regards

Social:

Best wishesAll the bestLoveLots of loveWarm regards

In both British and American styles, complimentary closes end with a comma not a fullstop. In all cases, only the first letter of the first word is capitalised.

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Chapter Three: Categories of Correspondence This chapter deals with the structure and style of different types of letters and public notices. Most of them belong to one of four main categories:

Notices and Letters Providing Information

Letters Requesting Information or Demanding Action

Letters of Acknowledgement

Declining Letters and Letters Conveying Bad News

3.1 Notices and Letters Providing Information This category covers everything from press releases and public notices to routine correspondence. The style should be concise, straightforward and not overly descriptive. In most cases, the tone should be fairly neutral. That said, press releases can be more descriptive and upbeat and declining letters more understanding in tone.

3.1.1 Public Notices – Tips on Layout and Style Public notices should be easy to read and kept to one page, with all the important information at the top. A quick glance at the first few lines should give readers the gist of the message.

Use a bold, underlined heading to indicate the subject.

Explain the purpose of the notice and give a brief outline in the first paragraph.

Give further details in the following paragraphs, in order of importance/interest.

Offer the reader contact details to enquire or receive further information.

Say something meaningful at the end. Readers remember what they read last so use this opportunity to remind or to emphasise.

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3.1.2 Letters Providing Information These are similar in layout to public notices but written in the form of letters. For large audiences, it is advisable to use a simplified block format. If your letter responds to queries or suggestions, you should acknowledge this at the beginning.

3.1.3 Press Statements – Tips on Layout and Style The opening paragraph of a press statement needs to contain your basic message. Additional information follows in order of importance. Background information, history and references are presented last. The tone is neutral and the first person singular is avoided. If your language is concise, simple and to the point, an editor is less likely to re-work your opening paragraphs. Putting background information at the end allows the editor to cut less important material from the bottom up. Long, complicated sentences and flowery language should be avoided. Always ask: ‘How can I make this interesting to my audience?’ Consider what will make them want to read what you have written.

A press release can be written on headed notepaper or plain A4.

If longer than one page, write ‘MORE’ on the bottom right hand corner of the page.

Write ‘END’ OR ‘ENDS’ clearly at the end of the press release.

Use double spacing to make it easier to edit.

Write ‘PRESS RELEASE’ and centre it at the top of the page.

Above the headline and on the left, indicate the release date with the following words: ‘FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE’ / ‘FOR RELEASE AFTER DATE’.

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3.1.4 A Faulty Public Notice

OLYMPIC BRIDGE Beijing’s successful bidding to host the Olympic Games

2008 brought great joy to the people. The Anon District

Office, in response to the Hygienic, Healthy and Dynamic

City project of the district, happened to be planning to

renovate this footbridge. So the students of St Peter’s

School prepared a unique design to beautify the bridge,

with Olympic Games as the theme.

The concerted effort of Home Affairs Department and

Highways Department finally makes the Olympic Bridge

a reality in June 2002.

‘Great joy’ sounds too emotional for a public notice. ‘Happiness’ or ‘delight’ are more measured words. ‘To the people’ sounds like a propaganda line. Instead: ‘…was received with great enthusiasm by the people of Hong Kong.’

It is not obvious from the first paragraph what this notice is about. Is it the opening of the bridge or its re-design? The three sentences in the opening paragraph are disjointed.

The opening paragraph is too long. It should contain a single idea along with a brief outline. Details about the HHD City Project should be explained later.

Language Use: (1) ‘Successful bid’ (2) ‘To beautify’ is a little vague. Instead: ‘a new design to improve/enhance the look of the bridge…’ (3) ‘was planning to renovate’ (4) It’s always ‘the’ department. (5) ‘Concerted efforts’ – usually plural. (6) Tense: ‘finally made this a reality in June 2002.’

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3.1.5 An Alternative Public Notice The main point is contained in the first paragraph. Details of those involved in the project are introduced later. The paragraphs are shorter.

OLYMPIC BRIDGE

To celebrate Beijing’s successful bid to host the 2008 Olympic

Games, the students of St Peter’s School have redesigned the

(NAME) footbridge with an Olympics theme.

The Anon District Council, which had been planning to renovate

the footbridge as part of the district’s Hygienic, Healthy and

Dynamic City Project, invited students from St Peter’s School to

prepare a unique Olympic design for the bridge.

The combined efforts of the students, the Home Affairs

Department and the Highways Department finally made this new

Olympic Bridge a reality in June 2002.

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3.1.6 A Faulty Letter Providing Information

Dear Sir/Madam,

Catering Industry Safety Award Scheme (2002/2003) Safety Slogan Competition

The Anon Department will hold a Safety Slogan Competition in conjunction with the Occupations Safety and Health Council, the Occupational Deafness Compensation Board, the Hong Kong Restaurant and Eating House Merchants General Association, the Eating establishment Employees General Union, the Hong Kong Hotels Association, the Association of Restaurant Managers and the Food and Beverage Management and Professional Staff Association from 2nd July 2002 to 20th July 2002. The purpose of the competition is to reduce the number of work accidents by raising the safety and health awareness of catering workers and their families, employees at large, as well as the general public. The Safety Slogan Competition is only a prelude to this year’s Catering Industry Safety Award Scheme. As in previous years, there are other competitions organised for the Award Scheme, including the Safety and Health Assessment on catering establishments. The details of these competitions and their enrolment procedures will be announced later. To enhance the occupational safety and health of the catering industry, we need the support of your catering establishment. A poster and an entry form for the Safety Slogan Competition are enclosed. I sincerely hope that your establishment will participate actively in the contest. Should you have any enquiry on the Competition, please feel free to contact Mr Chan (telephone no.)

With best wishes! Yours faithfully,

The first paragraph is too long and difficult to read. It does not grab attention or ‘sell’ the competition effectively.

Use bullet points to list the organisations and do not put them in the first paragraph. Remember to capitalise ‘The’ if it forms part of the name of an organisation.

Avoid repeating the whole name. Either: ‘the Competition’ or ‘the competition’.

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Language Use

‘Raise awareness among workers, their families and employees at large’. This is technically correct but ‘at large’ also means ‘on the loose’ and is often used to refer to people or animals who escape captivity! ‘Employees in general’ is safer.

Avoid repeating names in full. The Safety Slogan Competition only needs to be stated in full at the beginning.

Always put people first. If you are addressing a company or organisation, refer to them directly. Instead of: ‘We need the support of your catering establishment’, it is more personal and direct to say: ‘We need your support’.

Follow ‘any’ with the plural: any suggestions, any enquiries, any ideas, any remarks, any complaints.

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3.1.7 An Alternative Notice (Simplified Style) There are no salutations or complimentary closes. An attention line is added. Bullet points are used to make long paragraphs easier to read.


DATE Attention: All Caterers and Restaurant Owners Catering Industry Safety Award Scheme (2002/2003) Safety Slogan Competition We would like to invite you to participate in a Safety Slogan Competition that will run from 2 July 2002 to 20 July 2002, as a prelude to this year’s Catering Industry Safety Award Scheme. The aim of the competition is to reduce the number of work related accidents by enhancing health and safety awareness among workers, their families and the wider community. The event is being organised by the Anon Department together with:

• The Safety Council • The Occupational Compensation Board • The Merchants General Association • The Employees General Union • The Hotels Association • The Association of Managers • The Management and Professional Staff Association

As in previous years, there will be other Award Scheme competitions including the Safety and Health Assessment on catering establishments. Details of these competitions and their enrolment procedures will be announced later. A poster and an entry form for this competition are enclosed. If you have any enquiries, or would like further information, please contact Mr Chan (telephone no). I sincerely hope that you will all participate in this important, awareness-raising contest. NAME DESIGNATION DEPARTMENT

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3.1.8 A More Personal Style To create a more personal style, this example uses a salutation, a complimentary close, and the personal pronoun ‘I’. It also ends on a more personal appeal.


DATE

Dear Caterers and Restaurant Owners,

Catering Industry Safety Award Scheme (2002/2003)

Safety Slogan Competition

I would like to invite you to participate in a Safety Slogan Competition that will run from 2 July 2002 to 20 July 2002, as a prelude to this year’s Catering Industry Safety Award Scheme.

The aim of the competition is to reduce the number of work related accidents by

enhancing health and safety awareness among workers, their families and the wider community. The event is being organised by the Anon Department together with: • The Safety Council • The Occupational Compensation Board • The Merchants General Association • The Employees General Union • The Hotels Association • The Association of Managers • The Management and Professional Staff Association

As in previous years, there will be other Award Scheme competitions including the Safety

and Health Assessment on catering establishments. Details of these competitions and their enrolment procedures will be announced later.

A poster and an entry form for this competition are enclosed. If you would like to find out

more, please don’t hesitate to contact Mr Wong (telephone no.) The success of this competition really depends on the willingness of everyone to get

involved, so I do hope that you will participate in this important, awareness-raising event.

Yours faithfully,

NAME DESIGNATION DEPARTMENT

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3.1.9 A Faulty Press Statement

(Press Statement)

To celebrate the meaningful moment of the 5th Anniversary of the Unification, the ‘Anon District Celebration for the 5th Anniversary of the Unification Carnival’ co-organised by the Anon District Celebration for the 5th Anniversary of Unification Committee and the Anon District Office will be held at the Main Atrium of the Anon Town Plaza on 30 June 2002 (Sunday). A Flag Raising Ceremony cum Opening Ceremony is scheduled for 10 am that day and will be followed by a variety of onstage performances, which include marching band performance, lion and dragon dances, symphonic band performance, Chinese orchestra performance, Chinese dances, Oriental dances, Western dances, modern dances, Para Para, Jazz dances, choir, Chinese operatic songs, popular band performances. Game booths will be set up from 2 pm to 4 pm, while performance and free instruction on group dance will be arranged at the same time. All members of the public are welcome to the Celebration Carnival. Admissions for all the above programmes are free. Game booth tickets are available at ADDRESS. For enquiries, please call NUMBER.

It is unlikely that readers will be particularly interested in who organised the event. Do not put this at the beginning.

This list is too long and difficult to read. ‘Performance’ is repeated too often. Avoid capitalising. Highlighting too many words can reduce the impact of your message.

The fact that the event is free is very important. This should be mentioned further up.

Include a heading, title, release date and ‘END’ (at the end of the statement).

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Language Use

‘To celebrate the meaningful moment of the Anniversary’. Unnecessary and unusual word use. Suggestions: ‘To celebrate the anniversary’, ‘To celebrate the significance of the anniversary’, ‘To celebrate the important anniversary’.

A common convention for letters is to write out numbers if they are ten or below. For example: ‘The fifth anniversary’. It looks nicer. Exceptions include titles and headlines or a number forming part of a name: ‘The 5th Anniversary Committee’.

Avoid capitalising words excessively. It reduces the impact of the words you need to highlight. A ‘flag raising ceremony’, ‘Fifth anniversary of the unification’ do not need to be in capitals.

Avoid words like ‘cum’ in letters. It is not very contemporary, especially in a press release.

‘The event is scheduled for 10 am’ is shorthand for ‘scheduled to begin at 10 am’.

Missing verb: ‘All members of the public are welcome to the celebration.’ Instead: ‘All members of the public are welcome to join in (or another verb) the celebration.’ Alternatively: ‘All members of the public are welcome.’

‘Admissions for all the programmes are free.’ Admission is singular. The preposition which follows is: ‘to’ not ‘for’. The correct version is: ‘Admission to all programmes is free.’

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3.1.10 An Alternative Press Statement

This press statement puts the most important information in the first paragraph. It describes the event, indicates the date and location and informs you that it is free. It is also relatively short.

PRESS STATEMENT

DATE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FREE CARNIVAL TO CELEBRATE

THE 5TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE REUNIFICATION

A free carnival to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the reunification will be held at the main

atrium of the Anon Town Plaza on Sunday, 30 June 2002. Events include a flag-raising

opening ceremony along with a variety of multicultural musical and dance performances.

The Opening Ceremony begins at 10 am and is followed by a series of colourful events from

marching bands, lion dances and Chinese operatic songs to pop shows, orchestral

performances and a host of oriental and western dances from jazz to Para Para.

For those interested in dancing, free group dance instruction will be provided from 2 pm to

4 pm and game booths will open at the same time.

The carnival is jointly organised by the Anon District Celebration for the 5th Anniversary of

Unification Committee and the Anon District Office. For further information or enquiries,

please call NUMBER. Admission to all programmes is free and everyone is welcome.

Game booth tickets can be obtained in advance at ADDRESS.

END

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3.2 Letters Requesting Information or Demanding Action

This section deals with letters requesting information or demanding action. The request itself should be made in the first paragraph. The reasons should be set out in the following paragraphs. At the end, you may wish to restate your request for emphasis. Apart from routine requests, never assume that the reader will comply by ending with ‘Thank you’ or ‘Thanking you in advance’. A routine request for information or action:

Be direct but courteous. Even routine letters require ‘please’.

Put your request in the first paragraph.

Explain the reason. If it is urgent, explain why. This is more likely to motivate the reader to act.

It is acceptable to thank in advance.

More unusual or complicated requests:

State your request courteously.

Explain your reasons. If they are complicated, set out the details in numbered paragraphs or bullet points.

Restate your request. If necessary, explain why the reader’s help is important.

End with a suitable close:

I look forward to hearing from you

Your cooperation would be greatly appreciated

We look forward to receiving your reply

We would be grateful if you would reply by DATE

We hope you will be able to help

We would appreciate receiving your reply as soon as possible

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3.2.1 Requesting a Favour – Tips on Layout

Use the reader’s name wherever possible (avoid Dear Sir/Madam).

Adopt a personal, friendly tone.

State your request.

Explain your reasons and how the reader’s help is important.

If required, add a compliment or suggest that the favour will be returned (if true).

Use courteous language throughout: ‘We would appreciate’ etc.

Do not apologise for asking. It puts a negative spin on your request.

Do not assume that the reader will oblige by saying ‘thanks’. Instead try something like:

‘Your help would be very much appreciated’ ‘We hope to hear from you soon’

‘Do let us know if you are able to help’

‘Any help would be genuinely appreciated’

3.2.2 Persuading Letters – An Exception There are occasions when stating a request in the first paragraph is simply too direct. This applies to difficult or sensitive situations, where persuasion is important. In these cases, it may be wiser to build up arguments first and then make the request. This approach works best if it takes the reader by surprise. If the reader already expects the request, a long preamble may prove counter-productive.

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3.2.3 Letters Demanding Action – Tips on Layout These letters are usually sent after earlier requests have failed. The tone is firm, direct but always polite. Usually they begin with a reference to earlier correspondence. Reminder letters do not belong in this category. They follow the normal layout for letters requesting information.

Express your concern (refer to previous requests if applicable).

State the action that needs to be taken. Use bullet points for clarity.

Explain the consequences if they fail to comply (if applicable).

Provide any information to help the reader comply more easily.

Restate your demand politely.

Thank the reader for his cooperation, if appropriate.

3.2.4 Invitations – Tips on Layout The layout and style of invitations are similar to those of letters of request. The tone is personal and friendly. It is important that the reader senses a genuine desire for acceptance.

State your request at the top.

Give further information.

Give contact details and practical information where appropriate.

Restate your request.

Express your desire for the reader to accept in your close.

‘We hope to hear from you soon’ ‘Please confirm that you can attend’ ‘We hope to see you there’ ‘Your cooperation will be appreciated’

Be complimentary and courteous throughout.

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3.2.5 A Faulty Request for Information Language Use

Avoid capitalising words excessively. It reduces the impact of the words you need to highlight. While ‘Anon Bureau’ should be capitalised. The generic ‘civil service’ does not require capitalisation.

‘Herewith’ ‘Forthwith’ ‘Hereto’ etc. This is old-fashioned, turgid language. Its use in letters should be avoided. However, it is still widely used in legal and more formal correspondence.

Civil Service Reform Proposed Civil Service Provident Fund (CSPF)

Scheme

With a view to providing a more flexible retirement scheme comparable with best practice in the private sector in Hong Kong that would better meet the needs of the present and future Civil Service appointment system, a consultancy study on the civil service retirement benefits system (for new recruits on permanent terms of appointment) has been carried out. The Anon Bureau has issued an Executive Summary which sets out the consultants’ findings and their recommendations on the design options of the proposed CSPF scheme, and a Consultation Document on the proposed Scheme.

I forward herewith a set of the Consultative Document and Executive Summary for your reference. Grateful if you would let me have your views on the proposals, particularly on their attractiveness and usefulness in staff recruitment and retention, on or before 31 March 2001. Please note that the proposed Scheme will not apply to staff appointed before June 2000 and they will not be given an option to transfer from the existing pension schemes to the proposed Scheme.

This is your request. It should be at the top of the letter and restated towards the end.

Sentence structure: ‘who will not be given…’ refers more clearly back to those staff.

Overall structure: Put the request closer to the top. Details about the proposal should be set out in following paragraphs.

Subject headings should be kept to one line wherever possible. All of the heading should either be underlined or set in bold.

The paragraphs and sentences are too long. Each paragraph should only contain one main point.

‘Grateful’. This is a shorthand style that is inconsistent with the rest of the letter.

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3.2.6 An Alternative Request Letter

3.2.7 A Sample Routine Request

Dear Mr Wong, Attached are three articles for next month’s newsletter. I’d be grateful if you would print and prepare several hard copies of these for next week’s meeting. Thanks again.

Proposed Civil Service Provident Fund (CSPF) Scheme

A consultancy study on the retirement benefits system for new recruits on permanent terms has been carried out. The Anon Bureau has issued an Executive Summary and a Consultation Document on the proposed reforms. I would appreciate your comments on the proposals, especially your views of their likely effect on staff recruitment and retention.

The study proposes a more flexible retirement scheme to meet the needs of the present and future civil service appointment system, comparable with the best practice in the private sector.

The attached Executive Summary sets out the consultants’ findings and their recommendations on the design options for the proposed CSPF scheme, along with a Consultation Document.

Please note that staff appointed before June 2000 are not eligible to join or transfer to the proposed scheme.

I would be grateful for your comments on these important proposals before March 31, 2001.

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3.2.8 A Faulty Request for a Favour This letter is quite well written but the layout is faulty. On the subject of style, the writer needs to address the reader more directly and personally.

Language Use ‘Talk about your future plans of work’. This is not incorrect but it is more

common to say: ‘your future plans at work’ or ‘your plans for the future at work’.

‘Talk about your personal feelings’. This is not incorrect but it is more common to talk about ‘your personal thoughts or views’. Only if the subject is genuinely personal (e.g. relationships) does one normally speak of ‘feelings’. ‘Feelings’ are always personal.

‘We should be grateful’. This is correct but ‘We would be grateful’ is more

contemporary.

Dear Mr Callaghan,

As this is the fifth anniversary of the founding of the HKSAR and

the 50th anniversary of our newsletter, we are going to publish a

supplement to mark these two special occasions. The supplement will

feature the achievements of the HKSAR in the past five years. We are

going to invite department heads to talk about their personal feelings

on the 5th Anniversary of the SAR and their future plans of work. To

facilitate our publication of the supplement in June, we should be most

grateful if you can find time in your busy schedule to meet us for an

interview. Your early reply will be much appreciated.

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3.2.9 An Alternative Request for a Favour The request is made in the first paragraph. The tone is quite personal. The writer is clearly ‘talking’ to the reader. It is likely that the reader will respond more positively to this direct approach.

Dear Mr IP,

We would like to request an interview with you to mark the fifth

anniversary of the HKSAR. We hope to ask what the occasion means to

you personally and discuss your department’s plans for the future.

As the event coincides with the 50th anniversary of our newsletter,

we plan to publish a special supplement, featuring the achievements of

Hong Kong over the past five years. We are inviting all heads of

departments to share their personal views on the occasion.

I hope you will be able to find the time in your busy schedule to

meet us. Your early reply would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

38

3.2.10 A Faulty Demand Letter

Dear Sir,

Contract Ref. Supply of Cotton Swabs

I refer to your letter dated 10 January 2002 and would like to

inform you that your proposal to compensate only 6% of the total

defective quantity (1,653 bags) instead of total replacement is not

acceptable by both our end-users, i.e. the Anon Hospital and the

Anon Department.

Abided by the spirit of Contract, the supplier has the

obligation to deliver quality products in accordance with the

specification. It is not the responsibility of our end-users to

conduct the kind of quality check mentioned in your letter. This

will create unnecessary workload to hospital and clinic staff and is

totally unacceptable.

Since this case has been dragged on for a considerable time,

I should be grateful if you would further liaise with the

manufacturer for a 100% replacement or monetary compensation

as soon as possible. The latest defective quantity is attached for

your necessary action.

In case of enquiry, please contact the undersigned on

telephone no. 3333.

I look forward to receiving your early reply before

11 July 2002.

Correction: ‘...instead of its total replacement,is not acceptable to our end-users, the Hospital Authority…’

Style: Brackets are not necessary. Instead: ‘the total quantity of 1,653 bags…’ ‘i.e.’ is not necessary here and should be avoided. Instead write it out fully: ‘that is to say’ or ‘that is’.

Corrections: (1) ‘Abiding by…’ (2) ‘contract’ (3) ‘create an unnecessary workload’ (4) ‘...clinical staff’ (5) ‘has been dragging on...’

Style: It is more common to say: ‘compensation’ or financial compensation’

Structure: The demand should be re-stated at the end.

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Language Use

‘I should be grateful’. This is correct but ‘I would be grateful’ is more contemporary.

Avoid unnecessary introductions such as ‘I am writing this letter to…’

In letters demanding action, when making a criticism try to use the passive voice. It makes your comment less direct and easier for the reader to accept. Instead of: ‘You did not deliver the goods on time.’ It would be better to say: ‘The goods were not delivered on time.’

‘Abiding by the spirit of the contract’. Remember, there are both implied and express terms in a contract. Implied terms are unwritten terms, incorporated into a contract by legislation or by legal precedent. If you know you are referring to implied terms, you can simply say: ‘According to the contract…’ or ‘under the contract’. This is obviously stronger than saying ‘Abiding by the spirit of the contract’ which you should save for situations that definitely fall outside the contract.

‘In case of enquiry’. This is impersonal. Other options: ‘If you have any queries / Should you have any questions / For any questions, please… / Please contact us if you have any questions regarding…’.

Avoid referring to ‘the undersigned’ in a letter, especially when you are inviting someone to contact your department. It is unnecessarily impersonal. If the contact person’s name is known, you should use it.

‘I look forward to your early reply before DATE.’ Avoid combining two requests – an early reply and a deadline date. Alternatives: ‘I look forward to your early reply.’ ‘I look forward to your reply before DATE.’ ‘I look forward to your prompt reply before DATE.’

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3.2.11 An Alternative Demand Letter The demands are set out in bullet points to make them clearer. The action required is restated politely in the final paragraph. There is an appeal to the reader’s good nature coupled with the veiled threat of legal action.

Contract Ref. Supply of Cotton Swabs

Thank you for your letter of 10 January 2002. I am concerned about your

proposal to compensate only 6% of the 1,653 bags of defective cotton swabs. The

considered view of both the Anon Hospital and the Anon Department is that only a

total replacement of all the defective goods would be acceptable.

Under the contract, you are obliged to deliver products of a certain quality,

according to contractually agreed specifications. It is not the responsibility of end-

users to conduct quality checks of the kind mentioned in your letter. The extra burden

on busy hospital and clinical staff would be unacceptable.

Since this case has dragged on for a considerable time, I would be grateful if you

would make arrangements with the manufacturer to provide either:

• A 100% replacement of the defective goods

• Full compensation in lieu of a full replacement

I am returning the latest defective product for your inspection. Should you have

any questions about this, or if you require further clarification about our requirements

or your contractual obligations, please contact Mr Chan on extension 3333.

As hospital staff and their patients depend on these goods, we would appreciate

your prompt action. We are reluctant to take this matter further and look forward to

receiving your reply before 11 July 2002.

Thank you for your cooperation.

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3.2.12 A Sample Demand Letter

WARNING TO REMOVE STRUCTURES AT LOT 50

I refer to my letter dated October 9, 2001 requiring you to demolish

and remove any structures erected at Tenancy Lot No.50 before January

9, 2002. A recent inspection by my staff has revealed this has not been

done.

I am now asking you again to demolish and remove any structures

within your property, at your own expense, within one month from the

date of this letter.

I would like to remind you that, according to Special Condition 25

of your tenancy agreement, failure to carry out these works satisfactorily

will entitle the department to:

• Carry out the reinstatement works on your behalf

• Require that you pay to the Government the costs of such works

To avoid this expense, you are strongly advised to comply with

these instructions fully within one month from the date of this letter.

Should you have any questions, please contact Ms Tam on 21234567.

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3.2.13 A Sample Warning Notice (Demand)

Attention: All Authorised Sellers of Poison An Important Reminder

In recent months there have been a number of high profile cases involving the illegal

sale and possession of certain prescription drugs.

The Pharmacy Association takes a very serious view of these offences and is concerned

about the effect this may have on the reputation of the industry as a whole.

We would therefore like to remind all authorised sellers to redouble their efforts to

abide by the code of practice for Authorised Sellers of Poisons and strictly adhere to the

provisions of the Dangerous Drugs Ordinance. Copies of the code and relevant provisions are

enclosed.

Any seller convicted of contravening the Ordinance or the Code of Practice may be

required to appear before a disciplinary tribunal and have their license to sell such poisons

revoked.

If you have any queries about these regulations, please contact Mr Wong on 21234567.

NAME

POSITION

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3.2.14 A Sample Invitation

3.2.15 Language Use – Switching Personal Pronouns It is acceptable to switch personal pronouns from ‘I’ to ‘We’ (or vice versa) in a letter when there is a factual justification for doing so. In the example above, it is a good idea to start the letter with ‘I would like to invite…’ because it makes the invitation more personal. However, to switch pronouns by saying ‘We would be honoured’ is justified because it is factually more accurate, and indeed more flattering, than ‘I would be honoured’. As a general rule, you should be consistent in the use of personal pronouns unless you have a reason to switch.

Date Dear

I would like to invite you to be a guest speaker at the Fire Safety

Council’s conference in November.

Your knowledge of publicity campaigns for school children is second to

none and I have no doubt our members would be very interested to hear

about the 2004 campaign.

The event will be held at: The Conference Hall, China Hotel Centre at

3 pm on Thursday, 14 November 2003. There will be 15 speakers in total.

Attached is a list of provisional speakers, many of whom I am sure you

already know.

We would be honoured if you could join us. Please let me know if you

are interested.

CLOSE

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3.3 Letters of Acknowledgement Letters of acknowledgement cover a wide range of categories from expressions of thanks and congratulations to condolences and apologies. A common problem with letters in this category is the use of overly descriptive language. Using emphatic adjectives and adverbs to boost the impact of your message often has the ironic effect of making it sound less sincere. The use of overly emphatic language is considered in section 3.3.4.

3.3.1 Letters of Thanks, Congratulations and Acceptance These letters must sound sincere. Avoid flattery but never shy away from a genuine compliment. You should begin with an expression of thanks or congratulations, then:

Explain your reasons. Be complimentary and enthusiastic (where appropriate).

End with a final compliment, warm wishes for the future, or look forward to a future meeting or event.

Never say ‘once again, thank you’ or repeat a compliment as this reduces the impact of your message.

Always keep the tone personal and informal.

You should acknowledge the event promptly. It is pointless to send a message of thanks several months after the event. Any positive message is countered by your obvious failure to acknowledge earlier.

Letters of acceptance follow the same format but the ending usually points to a future event or meeting e.g. ‘I look forward to seeing you there.’ If the invitation is routine, your reply can be brief and your reasons do not need to be detailed: ‘It sounds like an excellent idea. I look forward to seeing you there.’

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3.3.2 Letters of Apology – Tips on Layout and Style Typical apology letters at work relate to administrative errors, delays and complaints against staff. If you have to write an apology, it is normally because a mistake has been made. There is little point in trying to defend the action in an apology letter. This defeats the object. Instead, apologise sincerely and explain the reasons for the error.

State your apology at the beginning. Don’t exaggerate or understate.

Explain the reasons for the mistake. Keep it short.

Explain what is being done to prevent it from happening again.

End your letter on a positive note, such as an assurance of better service in the future. You may repeat the apology but try to use different words.

Some Apology Lines: Please accept our apology

We are sorry for the inconvenience we have caused you

Thank you for your patience and understanding

We are sorry for making this mistake

We genuinely regret this oversight

If the complaint is not justified but you want to placate the reader: I am sorry to hear that you were disappointed

I am sorry that you felt let down

I understand / appreciate your concerns

I appreciate that this is taking a long time but

Thank you for your patience / being so understanding

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3.3.3 Sending Condolences – Tips on Layout and Style It is always hard to write a condolence letter and what you write really depends on your relationship with the grieving family. If you know the family well, you may:

Express your shock and sadness at the news.

Explain briefly the impression the person made on you.

Refer to something that you miss about the deceased: ‘I will miss her charm and generosity.’

Never try to cheer up the grieving person or refer to other matters in an attempt to

distract them from their grief.

If you’re unsure about saying something, don’t say it.

Keep it short. In cases where you don’t know the family well, be brief and honest. Suggested Lines: Our thoughts are with you at this sad time We were deeply shocked and saddened to hear the news (personal) I am so sorry to hear the news / about your loss / tragic loss We are truly sorry to hear about your father May I express my deep sympathy to you and your family Some people, particularly Americans, find words like ‘death’ or ‘deceased’ a little strong. ‘Your loss’ or ‘your sorrow’ are acceptable alternatives. Suggested Endings: Our thoughts are with you We will miss him/her (personal) Our prayers are with you (personal) With sympathy / deepest sympathy Yours sincerely

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3.3.4 Avoiding Overly Emphatic Language A common stylistic problem, particularly with letters of acknowledgement, is the use of overly emphatic language. If a sentence is loaded with descriptive language it can reduce the impact of your message by sounding exaggerated. To avoid this, always ask yourself whether you really mean what you are writing, and whether it is necessary.

‘I was extremely delighted to see your clients helping the less fortunate lives….’

‘Our units will treasure any insights you have on the rapid development of the Pearl Delta region…’

‘I am writing to thank you for your new book, Skies, published by your esteemed company…’

‘Delighted’ already means ‘very pleased’. By adding ‘extremely’ the sentence becomes too emphatic.

Acceptable examples in order of strength: • ‘I was pleased / so

pleased / very / most pleased.’

• ‘I was happy / so happy / very happy.’

• ‘I was delighted / so delighted / absolutely delighted’

• ‘I was thrilled’: this is fine for personal letters, since it expresses strong emotion.

• ‘I was overjoyed’: this is very strong. Only use such an expression if you are genuinely overwhelmed with happiness!

Avoid ‘most happy’, ‘most delighted’. These are not contemporary expressions.

The things you ‘treasure’ are precious and personal. They are normally associated with happy memories, special gifts. You would normally not use this word in a business context. ‘Our units would appreciate any views / perspectives / insights you have’ is appropriate here. Other phrases include: • ‘Our units would very much /

particularly appreciate’ • ‘Our units would value any

insights’ • ‘We particularly value your

opinion and would appreciate any insights’

• ‘Our units greatly respect your views and would appreciate any insights’

‘Esteemed’ is used to describe people of impeccable character or associated with highly reputable organisations. This is old-fashioned, formal English and is not used much today. It would rarely be used to describe a company. In this case, it would be best to avoid using an adjective altogether. It distracts the reader from the focus of the letter, which is to express gratitude for the book. If you want to use an adjective however, these words are more suitable: • ‘highly regarded’ • ‘renowned’ • ‘respected’ • ‘reputed’

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3.3.5 A Faulty Letter of Thanks

Dear Ms. Wong,

Thank you for your letter of 11 March. It is

very gratifying to hear your favourable comments

on our work at Old Market. Your recognition of the

services provided at the Market is really a great

encouragement to all of us in the department.

It is one of the department’s missions to

provide quality services for people from all walks

of life. To strive for excellence, we have always

attached importance to the feedback of our

customers. Your compliment, undoubtedly, shows

us that our efforts on providing customer-oriented

services have borne fruit.

I have conveyed your appreciation to our staff

working at the Market. Once again, thank you for

your support to our department.

Yours sincerely,

Language:

‘undoubtedly, shows us that our efforts on providing customer-oriented services have borne fruit’ The language is too convoluted. The tone is self-important. Also, the use of the present perfect suggests a completed job. Be more modest:

‘shows our continuing efforts to provide a good service are being recognised / valued.’

Avoid: ‘once again’

It reduces the impact of your message and sounds like you have nothing else to add.

Avoid ‘mission statements’.

This paragraph is too inward looking. Use ‘you’ language and talk to the reader.

Overall:

Use fewer words; make each sentence more concise and direct. Example:

‘We were all greatly encouraged by your kind words about our services.’

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3.3.6 An Alternative Letter of Thanks This letter is much shorter. It is more modest and talks directly to the reader. The reader is more likely to form the view that the department is receptive to comments from the public: ‘I hope we continue to provide a service that meets your expectations.’

Dear Ms Wong,

Thank you very much for your kind words about our work at Old

Market.

We rely on comments from the public, be they good or bad, to

improve the range and quality of the services we provide. It is a

pleasure, though, to receive such generous compliments.

I have conveyed your message to the staff working at the Market

and they were delighted. I hope we continue to provide a service that

meets your expectations.

Yours sincerely,

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3.3.7 Sample Letter of Thanks (Goodwill Overseas)

Dear Ms Laurie,

What a lovely surprise! Thank you so much for the gift and

your kind words.

It was a pleasure to invite the Challenge America team. Your

sheer professionalism and sense of fun were inspiring. The local

teams certainly enjoyed the whole experience. Let’s hope we

continue to strengthen the bonds between the Hong Kong and

American teams.

I look forward to seeing you again on our next project to

promote information technology in education.

With warm regards,

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3.3.8 More Letters of Thanks and Model Suggestions

Extract One

Language Use

Give the full date when referring to a letter. In a letter of thanks, it is not necessary to mention the date at all.

Correct preposition: ‘Take part in’. ‘Above’ should be avoided.

Only remind the reader when it will be held if it is necessary. If the event is

already described in the subject heading, this is unnecessary. ‘The fruits of your programmes.’ The usual phrase is: ‘fruits of your work’ or

‘fruits of your labour’. Other associations sound a little odd.

An Alternative

Thank you very much for your letter of 2002 inviting me to take part at

the above Opening Ceremony to be held 2002. I am delighted to accept your

kind invitation. I look forward to seeing the fruits of your programmes.

Thank you very much for inviting me to take part in the Opening

Ceremony. I am delighted to accept and I look forward to seeing the result of

all your hard work. I’m sure it will be a spectacle.

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Extract Two Language Use

This is a good start but the letter is ruined by the ending: ‘which is enclosed herewith for your retention’. This turgid language should be avoided in a letter of thanks.

Correct prepositions: ‘gratitude for your support’, ‘to present you with…’.

An Alternative

Thank you for your generous donation towards the Lucky Draw Annual

Dinner. It is indeed a pity that you could not join us, but your enormous support is

deeply appreciated. To express our sincere gratitude towards your continuing

support and guidance, the Staff Club would like to present you a souvenir, which is

enclosed herewith for your retention.

To express our heartfelt thanks for your continuing support and guidance,

the Staff Club would like to present you with this souvenir.

OR

The Staff Club would like to present you with this souvenir as a token of our

heartfelt thanks for your continuing support and guidance.

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Extract Three Language Use

This is a well-meaning letter but the reader may suspect the writer does not like the book. Why? It appears to lack sincerity. The tone is impersonal and the language is packed with facts that seem to demonstrate a knowledge of, rather than genuine interest in, the book.

‘Undoubtedly’ underlines the impersonal style. Use ‘I’ to personalise your

comments: ‘I think it will make an excellent reference book…’ or ‘I have no doubt it will be a useful book…’

An Alternative

I am writing to thank you for sending me the new book Free Seas…

The book, co-written by Dr X and Dr Y, gives a comprehensive

account of the history and development of the shipping industry in Hong

Kong, as well as a critical analysis of the pros and cons of opening up the

seas. It is undoubtedly a useful reference book for interested parties in the

industry. I have read it with interest and am impressed by the deep insight of

the authors.

Thank you very much for sending me your new book, Free Seas. It was a pleasure to read.

I thought your chapter on the history of Hong Kong’s shipping industry

was superb. I was impressed with the authors’ analysis of the pros and cons

of opening up the waterways. I think this will make an excellent reference

book for those in the industry.

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Extract Four Language Use

The first line should be condensed to: ‘Thank you for inviting me to the inauguration ceremony.’

If you have been invited to an event, never refer to it as ‘the above’.

The writer should apologise for being unable to attend in person.

An Alternative

Thank you for your letter of 17 May 2002 inviting me to attend the

inauguration ceremony of the above programme. I am glad to accept the

invitation and Miss Chan, acting as District Officer while I’m on leave,

will attend the ceremony on my behalf.

Thank you for inviting me to the NAME inauguration ceremony.

I’m sorry to say that I will be away at the time but Miss Chan, our acting

District Officer, would be delighted to attend on my behalf.

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3.3.9 A Faulty Letter of Congratulations

In letters of congratulations, acknowledge the event, say something meaningful about it, keep it short and genuine, end with a lasting thought and do not overload your writing with adjectives and adverbs. Finally, only congratulate once – either at the beginning or the end.

5 January 2003

Dear Mr Callaghan,

It is my great pleasure to congratulate the

ABC Association on the publication of Review.

I sincerely wish this new quarterly

periodical a success in promoting

communication within the industry.

Once again, congratulations.

John Chan

This is correct but stylistically too formal if addressed to an individual or to someone you know. Congratulating directly is usually more effective and sounds more genuine.

Direct, less formal expressions: ‘Congratulations to all of you who passed…’ ‘Congratulations on your promotion…’ ‘Well done on your superb performance…’ ‘Hearty congratulations…’ ‘Let me congratulate you on…’ ‘My heartfelt congratulations…’

Avoid using emphatic adjectives and adverbs to increase the emotional impact of your statement (e.g. ‘great pleasure’ or ‘extremely pleased’). These expressions tend to exaggerate the message and make it sound less sincere.

Avoid repeating words such as ‘congratulations’ and ‘well done’ for the simple reason that using the same word twice reduces the impact of your message.

‘Wish a success…’ is incorrect. You ‘wish success’ or you can ‘wish every success’. It is more personal to wish people rather than objects success: ‘I wish you every success with your new magazine.’ It is probably best not to use ‘sincerely wish’ in this context. It sounds more hopeful than confident.

Hopeful: ‘I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your exams.’

Confident: ‘Best of luck in your exams. I’m sure you will do very well.’

Phrases used for formal congratulations:

• ‘It is my pleasure to congratulate…’ • ‘I am delighted to congratulate…’ • ‘I would like to congratulate…’ • ‘Let me offer my sincere

congratulations to…’

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3.3.10 Alternative Letters of Congratulations

Dear Mr Callaghan,

Congratulations to everyone at the ABC Association

on the successful launch of Review.

I was very impressed with the first edition and I have

no doubt it will generate a greater sense of community

within the industry.

Yours sincerely,

Dear Mr Callaghan,

I read the first edition of your new magazine Review

and I was very impressed.

I have no doubt it will be well received in the

industry. Congratulations to everyone involved at the ABC

Association.

Yours sincerely,

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3.3.11 Sample Retirement Letters

On your retirement from the Staff Retraining Board, I would like

to thank you most warmly for your invaluable service to the Board over

the past ten years.

Under your steer, the Board has expanded its services and found

new ways to meet the needs of the changing labour markets.

None of these accomplishments could have been achieved without

you.

I greatly appreciate the huge amount of time and effort you have

devoted to your work and I look forward to collaborating with you again

on future projects.

As you will be retiring shortly, I want to express my sincere

thanks for the commitment you have shown us over the past two years.

We will all miss your helpfulness and pleasant company.

May I take this opportunity to extend to you and your family my

best wishes for the future.

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3.3.12 A Faulty Letter of Apology Scenario: A man claims that a woman refused to vacate a computer at a public library after the allocated time expired. He also claims that when he approached the staff to raise the issue, his grievance was met with indifference. This is a response to his written complaint.

Complaint about Computer Use at Public Library

Thank you for your letter dated February 22, 2003 concerning

the captioned subject.

We have completed the investigation of your incident on

February 3, 2003. As regards the abuse of use of the personal

computer by the public, we have consulted our headquarters for the

district-wide policy. In order to encourage more people to use the

service and avoid abuses, all PCs already have a built-in ‘automatic

shut down function’ so that they will shut down after prolonged use

of an hour. In spite of the above, we will post up warning messages

around the area and our staff will strengthen control of the use of

the PCs. In the long-run we will further investigate with the

Headquarters in enhancing the control measures.

Considering the unpleasant experience caused to you by the

above incident we believe that there must be room for

improvement on the service provided by our front-line staff. In this

regard, we have improved communication with our counter staff on

customer handling skills and arranged more training. We apologise

for the inconvenience caused by this incident.

Thank you again for your valuable suggestions. If you have

any queries, please feel free to contact me.

Don’t refer to a complaint as the ‘captioned subject’. This letter should begin with an apology.

If possible you should give an explanation for the problem first and then explain what further action will be taken. The paragraphs are too long.

Overall this letter is too long. The sentences should be shorter and more direct.

Grammar:

‘In the long-run we will further investigate with the Headquarters in enhancing the control measures.’ Instead:

‘We will investigate with headquarters ways to enhance the control measures...’

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3.3.13 An Alternative Letter of Apology In this sample, the apology is given at the beginning. The language is sympathetic and talks directly to the reader. Notice that the paragraphs are short, clear and simple.

Complaint about Computer Use at Public Library

Please accept my apologies for your unpleasant experience at the X Public Library on February 3, 2003.

We have carried out an investigation and take the view that the measures to control the fair use of library computers should be

improved.

We were also disappointed to hear that you found the attitude

of staff unhelpful. We take this matter seriously and have arranged

further training of our front-line staff to improve customer support.

All our PCs have a built-in shut down function that is

supposed to close the computer automatically if used for more than

an hour. In your case it appears this function was not working properly. To prevent this from happening again, we have posted

warning messages around the area and instructed staff to enforce

the system more rigorously.

I hope this goes some way to meet your concerns and that you

experience much better service on your next visit.

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3.3.14 A Sample Response to a Request This is a sample of a response to a request that involves an expression of sympathy and/or apology for third party actions.

Dear

Thank you for your letter expressing concern about the

obstructed footpath at Anon.

This matter was first drawn to our attention last month when

several villagers complained of the nuisance. We responded very

quickly issuing three warnings to the alleged offender to clear the

obstruction. When it became apparent that this person was ignoring

our requests, we served him with a summons on August 3, 2003.

Meanwhile, as the legal process takes some time, I have

instructed one of our clearance teams to remove the obstruction

before the end of next week.

We are sorry for the inconvenience this has caused you. Let

me assure you that we take a serious view of the illegal obstruction

of public rights of way and we do our best to act promptly.

Should you have further questions, please call me on

21234567.

Yours sincerely,

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3.3.15 Sample Condolence Letters to Colleagues

Here are some suggestions for condolence letters to colleagues or associates.

I am so sorry to hear the tragic news.

May I express my deepest sympathy to you and

your family in this difficult time.

My thoughts are with you.

I was very saddened to hear about your sudden

loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

With deepest sympathies,

May I express my heartfelt sympathy on learning of

your mother’s death.

I appreciate what a tremendous loss this must be to

you and your family.

Yours sincerely,

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3.4 Declining Letters and Letters Conveying Bad News This category deals with those situations where you have to say ‘no’. The first step is to decide whether to be direct or indirect. A direct approach means you decline in the first paragraph and then explain your reasons:

‘Thank you for your letter. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that…’ ‘We have carefully considered your proposal…’ ‘I’m sorry to say that we are unable to…’

An indirect approach means you explain first and then refuse. The end result is the same but the indirect approach is more tactful and should be used in situations where sensitivity is required. This approach is also used in more formal letters where reasons need to be set out fully before a conclusion is drawn (see section 3.4.4 An Alternative Declining Letter). This section concentrates on the indirect approach.

3.4.1 General Tips on Layout

Thank the person for the letter (or other communication).

Give an overview of the situation, explaining the relevant pros and cons.

Show that you have considered the actual proposal carefully. If you agree with anything that the reader has said, make sure you say it here.

Now state your refusal. You may also wish to apologise here (if appropriate).

End your letter on an encouraging note.

3.4.2 Declining Invitations – Tips on Layout When declining an invitation, keep it brief, be grateful and have a reasonable excuse. Remember: A lengthy explanation can sometimes sound like a guilt-ridden excuse.

Thank the reader or say something nice about the occasion: ‘What a wonderful idea / It sounds like a superb evening / Your offer is very tempting indeed’.

Give your explanation.

Say sorry, if required.

End on a positive note.

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3.4.3 A Faulty Declining Letter

Thank you for your letter concerning the above.

According to our records only some of the area on which

you claim to have cultivated land for over 20 years was

previously private land. The area on which our clearance

action took place on May 23, 2002 has always been unleased

Government land.

The former private land area were Lots 10 and 11.

However all these lots were surrendered to the Government in

1997. Prior to this, they changed hands a few times in the past

30 years but were never registered in your name.

In view of the above, I would like to advise you that the

entire area on which you have been cultivating is unleased

Government land. Under existing policy, ex gratia allowances

for crops are payable to cultivators who are cleared from

leased Government land or private land resumed for a public

purpose. As your case does not fall with such categories, no

ex-gratia allowances are therefore payable.

Yours sincerely

The writer should give the policy outline in the first paragraph and discuss the details of the case afterwards.

The ending is very abrupt. The last line should not contain the rejection. It should be couched in sympathetic language.

Overall, the arguments need to be structured in a way that links the points. Use connecting language such as: However, in fact, firstly, secondly, thirdly, due to, as a result of, therefore, because of this

Structure: ‘In view of the above, I would like to advise you...’ This is stated before the policy so the reader does not know why being on ‘unleased land’ is significant.

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3.4.4 An Alternative Declining Letter In this letter, the policy is stated at the top, followed by a clear demonstration that the writer has considered all the facts. The actual refusal comes close to the end. It is accompanied by further information and an offer of help.

Thank you for your letter of June 14, 2002.

Under existing policy, ex gratia allowances are only payable to those

whose crops were cleared from private land or land leased to them by the

Government.

The area that you claim to have cultivated covers two areas, formerly

private land, namely Lots 10 and 11, and Government land. The formerly

private land was surrendered to the Government in 1997 and has not been leased

since it was acquired. The original Government land has never been leased.

According to our records, the clearance action of May 23, 2002 only took

place on the original Government land. As the allowance only applies to those

cultivating on leased Government land or private land, I regret to inform you

that you will not be eligible for an ex gratia payment as your crops were cleared

from un-leased land.

For your information, we also checked the ownership of Lots 10 and 11,

the private land that was surrendered to the Government in 1997. Unfortunately,

we could find no record of it ever being registered in your name.

I appreciate this is a complicated area. If you have any further questions

or would like to receive literature on the allowance system for cultivators, please

contact our office on 21234567. We would be happy to assist.

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3.4.5 Sample: A More Formal Declining Letter Setting out the reader’s side of the argument at the beginning helps to demonstrate that a decision has been made fairly based upon all the material facts.

Rent Arrears – Wo Ping Estate

I refer to your letter of February 2003 in which you explained your difficulties in settling the rental arrears of $25,000, the outstanding management fees of $4,300 and the late payment penalty of $1,500.

I understand your reasons are as follows:

• You were overseas from July 2001 to August 2002 and you believed the rent was being paid by your brother in your absence.

• You only became aware of the arrears in September 2002 when you returned to Hong Kong.

• Since your return, you have been unemployed and experiencing serious financial problems.

Having carefully considered your case, I regret to say that we are unable to accept your request to waive the outstanding amount. Although sympathetic, as a matter of policy we do not offer discounts or waivers for rental arrears, fees or fines.

However, we would be prepared to allow you to repay the outstanding sum by instalments over an agreed period. If this is acceptable, please contact our office as soon as you receive this letter to arrange an appointment so that we can discuss the terms of repayment.

Yours sincerely,

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3.4.6 Sample: Declining an Invitation

3.4.7 Sample: Decision Pending

Thank you very much for inviting me as guest of honour to your

Annual Fellowship Dinner. Unfortunately, I will be away on business for

the whole of April, so sadly I will be unable to attend.

It was very kind of you to think of me though and I do hope you

have a wonderful evening.

With kind regards,

Dear Mr Chan,

Thank you for your letter of January 8, 2003.

The Director of the Anon Department is carefully considering your request to

hire the Civic Centre for a non-governmental conference.

I hope you understand that, due to the number of different factors involved,

your application may require some extra consideration and this may take time.

We appreciate your patience and expect to give you an answer within the next

ten days.

Yours sincerely,

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Chapter Four: Ceremonial Writing

4.1 Introduction

The layout and writing style of a formal invitation or announcement largely depend onpersonal preference. However, it should look professional and pleasing to the eye. Agood design suggests that the event you are announcing will be good too.

It is important, therefore, to stand back and view the script almost as a piece of art. Doesit look right? Is it symmetrical? Are the lines spaced properly? Is there too much room atthe top or bottom of the document?

You cannot separate content from layout because your choice of words will change theway the script looks. ‘Requests the pleasure of the company of NAME’ reads well butmay not fit onto one line. Instead you might try the shorter: ‘Requests the pleasure ofyour company.’

General Advice

Decide on the content.

Experiment with layouts.

If you like a layout but the words don’t fit comfortably, try changing the words.

If you cannot change the words, then try another layout.

4.2 Language Use

Use the full name of the host, including titles and post-nominals (e.g. JP).

Use the full name of the guest, including titles and post-nominals (e.g. JP).

‘Requests the pleasure of the company of

Mr. Paul Cheung Man Fai, JP’

For Chinese names, if the invitee uses an English name, position it in front of theChinese surname.

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The convention is to write out titles in full e.g. Doctor, Professor, TheHonourable. The only abbreviated exceptions are Mr / Mrs.

Using a full-stop after an abbreviated title or post-nominal letters is optional. Itdepends on how it looks. Lots of full-stops can look messy and take up space.

‘Mr. Smith, J.P.’ or ‘Mr Smith, JP’. Remember to be consistent throughout.

The convention is to write the date and time of the event fully in words. Thisapplies in particular to formal or important invitations such as weddings or largeceremonies. For less formal invitations, public announcements and plaques, thisconvention is often ignored.

If an announcement includes an address, i.e. ‘is pleased to announce its GrandOpening at 15 Longacre Rise’, it is acceptable to use figures in the address.

R.S.V.P. is French for ‘please reply’. It requests the reader to indicate whether heor she is able to attend. Alternatively ‘Regrets Only’ means only those who cannotattend should get in touch.

4.3 Tips on Layout and Style

The wording should be centred. Avoid single line spacing. Create larger spaces toseparate sections if necessary. Use different font sizes for emphasis.

For invitations, dress code information is positioned in the bottom right of thecard. R.S.V.P. or Regrets Only, with an accompanying phone number, ispositioned in the bottom left. Normally, these details are kept well away from themain body of text.

Your choice of font is really a matter of personal taste. For weddings, theconvention is to use a ‘hand-written’ font.

Connectives and prepositions (on, in, at, from etc.) that begin a new line shouldnot be capitalised. The first letter of names, places, organisations, titles of events,certificates and awards should be capitalised.

If you want a name or title to stand out, put the prepositions that accompany it onthe previous line or on their own separate line.

Always have symmetry in mind. Pyramid shapes, where the text is too heavy atthe top or bottom should be avoided.

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4.4 A Faulty Plaque

To promote environmental protection, greening consciousness

as well as development of tourism

the Green Garden was built under our

‘Green Name and Plant More Flowers’ project

and

a wide variety of bauhinia were planted in the Name View Point on

funds donated by a number of people and organisations

The Green Garden

was officially opened by

Ms Jenny NAME, JP, Director of Anon

On 13 June 2001

Dr NAME, Chairman

Mrs NAME, Vice-Chairman

Organising Committee on ‘Green Name and Plant More Flowers’

Anon District Community Development Fund

Only include avery shortintroduction atthe beginning.

Backgroundinformationshould beseparated fromthe ceremonialmessage.

The tone shouldbe formal and inthe third person.Never use ‘our’or ‘we’.

Are thesepeoplecommitteemembers,donors orauthors of themessage?

To be clearer,their namesshould bepositioned nextto informationthat relates totheir work.

‘Environmentalprotection andgreeningconsciousness’feels repetitive.Just say:‘environmentalawareness’

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4.5 An Alternative Plaque

This plaque correctly highlights the name of the garden and clearly indicates its purposeat the beginning. Details about donations and organisations are placed at the end, using asmaller font. It is now clear that the names at the bottom of the plaque refer to committeemembers.

To promote environmental awareness

The Green Garden

was officially opened by

Ms Jenny NAME, JP, Director of Anon

on the 13th of July 2001

The Green Garden was built by the

‘Green Name and Plant More Flowers’ Project

to promote environmental protection and to encourage tourism

The ‘Green Name and Plant More Flowers’ Committee would like to thank

all those who donated funds to the project. A wide variety of bauhinia were

planted in the Name View Point through their generosity.

Dr NAME, Chairman

Mrs NAME, Vice-Chairman

Organising Committee on ‘Green Name and Plant More Flowers’

Anon District Community Development Fund

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4.6 A Sample Plaque

4.7 A Sample Formal Invitation

This Plaque was unveiled by

Mr. NAME, J.P.

to commemorate the opening of the

Multi Media Learning Centre

at Anon Institute

on the 5th of September 2002

The Ballet Performance Committee

requests the pleasure of your company

at the

Ballet Extravaganza

to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the founding of the

Hong Kong Special Administrative Region

to be held in the

Piazza of the Hong Kong Cultural Centre on

Saturday the eighth of June at seven o’clock in the evening

R.S.V.P. Black Tie

21234567

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4.8 A Sample Certificate

The Anon Department

of the Government of the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region

Outstanding Volunteer Awards

in the

Protection of the Environment Programme

Certificate of Appreciation

Presented to ___________________________

in recognition of his dedication and outstanding achievement

_____________Commissioner

Date

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Chapter Five: Speech Openings

‘Few sinners are saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.’

Mark Twain

The most important part of any speech is the opening. This is your grace period. Nomatter how controversial the subject, the audience usually keeps an open mind andreserves judgement. This is your chance to grab their attention, engage their interest and,if necessary, win them over.

The most important thing to remember is that the opening should be written last.Everything else – your objective, main points and conclusion come first. Once you have aclear idea of the content, tone and style of your speech, go back and write the opening.

The opening sets the tone of your speech. If it is entertaining, you may want to start withan amusing anecdote or one-liner. If it is serious or thought-provoking, perhaps arhetorical question would work best.

5.1 Opening Styles

This is determined by the content and tone of your speech. Speechwriters should adopt anopening that best suits the speaker’s personality and delivery. You could begin with:

• An Anecdote. These narratives must be relevant, short and interesting. They alsoneed to be simple and must serve to illustrate your main point.

• A Quotation. You should try this if the quote neatly encapsulates your main point.A quote helps to focus the audience’s attention on the theme. They work bestwhen they are attributable to a well-known person. Avoid long, obscure orirrelevant quotes. Clichés (over-used quotes such as ‘If a job’s worth doing, it’sworth doing well.’) should always be avoided.

• Visualisation. This is when you ask the audience to visualise a scenario. ‘Imagineif you’re sitting at home after a long day’s work and the fire alarm in yourapartment block goes off....’ Asking the audience to imagine a situation involvesthem directly in your talk. Presenting them with simple, visual situationsencourages them to think more about what you are saying.

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• A Rhetorical Question. This is a well-known and highly effective way to engagean audience. It gets them to think about the question and, by extension, the pointyou will be making. A rhetorical question works well if it is surprising orcontroversial. ‘Which would you prefer? A country with lots of laws, enforcedoccasionally, or one with much fewer laws, rigorously enforced?’

• An Opening Statement. Starting with a strong statement is another populartechnique. It is similar to a rhetorical question in that it gets the audience to thinkabout an issue. The statement should be short, bold and may be controversial.‘The golden days of the property market will never return.’ You do not have toagree with the statement and may qualify it after a suitable pause: ‘This is whatmany people believe.’

• Similes and Metaphors. You can also start by comparing your main point to astrong visual image. This helps the audience visualise what you are saying. Asimagery is more memorable than words, it is more likely that they will rememberyour point too. Also, the more unusual the comparison, the more interesting oramusing it is likely to be: ‘A speech is like a wheel, the longer the spoke, thegreater the tire.’ (Anon)

5.2 Humour

‘Before I speak, I have something important to say.’Groucho Marx

If used properly, humour can work very well in an opening. Getting the audience tolaugh creates an instant bond. It must come across naturally and easily. Forspeechwriters, injecting humour is sometimes risky because its success has as muchto do with delivery as content.

Generally speaking, always prepare a humorous anecdote carefully. Keep the humoursimple and make sure it relates to your topic. It should never be cruel or likely tooffend a particular group (regardless of whether they are present). Never wait for alaugh, if the punch-line doesn’t work, just carry on. Amusing anecdotes from yourown experience work best. Actual jokes should be avoided.

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5.3 Tips on Style

Write your opening last. Go through your speech and think of the best way todeliver an attention-grabbing start.

Make sure it connects with the rest of your speech. It should not feel detached.

Never apologise for your speech or for not being a good speaker. This will onlydraw the audience’s attention to something that they may not have noticed.

Do not start your speech by saying ‘thank you’ or ‘first of all, I’d just like to saywhat a great honour it is’. This is boring for many listeners and should beavoided wherever possible. Obviously, there are occasions where diplomacyrequires introductory thanks. In those situations, try to keep it brief. There will beplenty of room in the speech to express gratitude or to praise the host. Ideally youshould avoid a preamble and go straight to an interesting comment, anecdote orrhetorical question.

Avoid jokes but tell amusing, real-life stories from personal experience.

Never assume that your audience will be interested in what you are going to say.

If you’re going to quote someone, make sure it is someone well-known.

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5.4 Extracts of Speeches with Suggested Alternatives

The following extracts contain the opening lines of original speeches.

A Talk to Young People about Leadership

What follows is a good speech about the importance of personal values in a competitive,materialistic society. But the opening itself is rather vague; the topic of the speech is notclear. Also, the speaker does not appear to talk directly to the audience who happen to bea group of young people. Instead she refers to them in the third person: ‘a dialogue withyoungsters’, ‘to discuss how young people’.

An Alternative Opening

First of all, I would like to thank the Association for inviting me to

today’s Youth Forum. This is the first time I have attended a function of

this kind, that is, to have a dialogue with youngsters. Since the objective

of this forum is to discuss how young people could face up to the

challenges of the times and adhere to their own beliefs, I am not going to

talk about security but would rather share with you my views on the

question of values…

How can you, the leaders of tomorrow, face up to the challenges

that lie ahead? Conventional wisdom says by working hard, finding a

good job and earning a living. But I firmly believe these aspirations

mean nothing unless we have ideals and personal values. Without

these, our society may be rich but it will never be great.

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A Safety Quiz Award Ceremony Speech

This is a perfectly good speech but it follows a predictable format. There is littleconnection between the note of thanks at the beginning and the rest of the speech. For arelatively informal occasion, the tone is also a little serious. On an idiomatic point, ‘muchhonoured’ sounds a little awkward. It is more common to say: ‘honoured’, ‘delighted’,‘very pleased’ or ‘greatly honoured’.


Today, I am much honoured to be invited to attend the prize-

giving ceremony of the Inter-Company Safety Quiz 2001.

Hong Kong’s occupational safety performance is a matter of

public concern and the Government also takes the high accident rate

seriously. However we are delighted to see that our safety

performance is gradually improving and that the number of work

injuries is steadily declining.

I am delighted to be here today and to see so many companies

involved in this year’s Safety Quiz. It’s an interesting fact that for every

year that this quiz has been running, the number of work related injuries

has steadily declined. So is there a connection? Well, in a way there is –

and it’s nothing strange or supernatural I assure you. There is a growing

sense of responsibility and awareness on safety issues at work, now more

than ever before. And it is a tribute to all responsible companies here

today that these figures have fallen again this year, by a further four per

cent. We should not slacken our efforts however. The accident rate is still

far too high…

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A Message of Congratulations to a Choir Association

This speech calls out for an anecdote. People love personal stories about children, so thisis a good opportunity to use one to help you connect with the audience. .

There are a few grammatical and stylistic problems with this opening. Be careful aboutcalling people ‘simple’, it can also mean foolish or stupid. ‘Innocent’ is a betteralternative. Avoid following ‘simple’ with ‘simply’, they sound too similar to be on thesame line. The expression: ‘Music to my ears’ usually refers to an enjoyable sound, otherthan music: ‘The sound of the waves is music to my ears.’ Avoid using this phrase whenreferring to music itself. Finally, ‘sweetest’ is in the wrong position, it needs to comebefore the noun, i.e. ‘sweetest music’. Its use here is redundant in any event. Alternative:‘Their unaffected voices are a joy to hear.’


Children are simple and full of life. Their unaffected voices

simply make delightful music sweetest to our ears. Proper education

and training would enhance their knowledge and ability in

appreciation of music, and enable them to explore the delight of music.

Choral training also helps cultivate a team spirit among music lovers.

The Hong Kong Choir Association has been playing an active

role in the promotion of children choral activities and music

education…

When my four-year-old daughter sings, it’s normally a little outof tune. But every time I listen, it fills me with joy. Nothing soundsmore delightful than a child’s voice singing. I know that in time, as shegrows, so will her understanding and appreciation of music. But tohelp children develop their talents, proper education and professionaltraining is essential. The Hong Kong Choir Association has beenplaying a crucial role in this regard, promoting children’s choralactivities and music education throughout the region...

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Chapter Six: Memoranda, Circulars and Email

This chapter examines the layout of correspondence between Government departments.For important requests, memoranda or ‘memos’ are the standard medium ofcorrespondence. Circulars are, in effect, notices that provide information to a wideraudience, usually across several departments. Emails are reserved for minor requests andeveryday notifications.

6.1 Memoranda – Tips on Layout and Style

Memos are written just like any other piece of correspondence. They must begrammatically correct, properly structured and courteous. Each paragraph should containonly one main point. If the paragraph is complicated, bullet points are advised.

As memos are internal documents, in-house expressions (‘jargon’) are perfectlyacceptable. You don’t need to set out in detail any obvious information that is widelyunderstood. However, the writer should be cautious when making this assessment.

The tone of a memo varies depending on the subject and to whom it is being sent.Normally it is less formal and more direct than an external letter.

General Circular No.8/97 issued by the Director of Administration sets out somerequirements for the layout of memos. They are incorporated into the following points:

Memos are typed on specially headed notepaper that contains a printed form atthe top of the page. Additional pages are typed on plain paper.

MEMOFrom ________________________ To __________________________Ref. ______in________________ (Attn. : _______________________)Tel. No. ________________________ Your Ref. _____in______________Fax No. ________________________ dated _________________________Email ________________________ Fax No. _______________________Date ________________________ Total Pages ____________________

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If the memo is addressed to several departments, the names of those departmentsare written on the printed form. Alternatively ‘Distribution’ is written on theprinted form and the relevant departments are listed in the bottom left-hand corner.

There is an inner margin of at least 30mm.

Paragraphs are numbered chronologically, apart from the first paragraph, whichby convention is simply indented. The first line of each paragraph is indented.

Any enclosures attached to the memo may be indicated by a broken or straightline (----- / ) in the margin next to the appropriate line of text.

The name of the author should be typed in brackets beneath the signature. Chinesesurnames should be typed in capitals. A female officer should also indicate hertitle (Miss CHAN May-lai).

When memos are copied to other departments, they are always addressed to thehead of department. An attention line in brackets is used to direct the letter to theresponsible subject officer, if he or she is known. Sometimes the officer’sdesignation is given as well as his or her name. The copy notation is placed in thebottom left-hand corner with the heading ‘c.c.’

By convention, the signature and printed name of the author starts at the bottomcentre of the page and moves to the right.

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6.2 A Sample Memo

MEMOFrom ANON DISTRICT OFFICER To Distribution_________Ref. in (Attn. : _____________________)Tel. No. 21234567 Your Ref. in_____________Fax No. 21234567 dated _____________________Email _______________________ Fax No. ____________________Date 9 July 2002 Total Pages _____one_________

Talk on ‘Fire Prevention in the Home’

The Anon District Fire Safety Committee is organising this talk onThursday, August 3, 2002, from 7:30pm to 9:30pm, at:

The Cultural Activities HallNAME Civic CentreClear Road

2. The Committee would like to invite your representatives to give a talk onfire safety precautions in the home.

3. Representatives from each department will be allocated 30 minutes eachfor their talk and there will also be a Q&A session at the end.

4. For those interested, I would be grateful if you would reply by 20 July.Should you have any questions in the meantime, please contact Ms. Chan on 21234567.Thank you.

(Miss CHAN May-lai)for Anon District Officer

Distribution

DC, NAME DepartmentAD, NAME Department

c.c.

Director of NAME Department, (Attn: Mr NAME, DESIGNATION)

Commissioner for NAME Department

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6.3 Circulars – Tips on Layout and Style

Many of the rules relating to memos also apply to circulars. They are set out in numberedparagraphs. The content must be grammatically correct, courteous and concise. However,as circulars speak to a wider audience, internal jargon should be avoided. The tone alsotends to be more formal than that of memos.

There is no printed form for circulars. Plain A4 or headed notepaper containing thedepartmental address is used instead.

Put the address or name of the department in the top right corner.

Put the reference number in the top left corner, in bold.

Put the date beneath the address in the top right corner.

The title of the circular comes next. It is centred and set in bold with a larger fontthan the rest of the text. It should state its departmental origin, reference numberand year:

Departmental Circular No. 123/2003Transport Bureau Circular No. 21/2003

Departmental General Circular No. 3/2001

Under the title comes the subject heading. The font size is smaller and the headingis underlined and/or set in bold and kept on one line where possible.

You do not need to indicate the intended recipients. However, some circularscontain ‘To: All Staff’ beneath the reference number. Alternatively, a category ofintended recipients can be placed under the subject heading, in brackets and italics,according to the following civil service scaling system:

Scale A - to be brought to the attention of all staff;

Scale B - to be brought to the attention of a particular group or groupsof officers because of matters such as conditions of service,salaries and entitlements, rules and regulations applicable tothem as individuals;

Scale C - to be brought to the attention of officers who, because of thefunctions of their posts, are required to take action on, or to beinformed of, the circular;

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Scale D - to be brought to the attention of officers who keep a copy of aparticular set of Government Regulations and those who,because of the functions of their posts, are required to takeaction on, or to be informed of, the circular.

Apart from the first paragraph, all other paragraphs are numbered. Each paragraphshould be indented and contain a main point. If the paragraph is detailed, bulletpoints or lettered, indented paragraphs may be used.

You may group together several paragraphs under sub-headings set in bold.

The signature layout is the same as in memos. A distribution list can be typed onthe bottom left of the page and a c.c. list is placed underneath.

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6.4 A Sample Circular

Ref: 1/11/12 AB DEPARTMENT NAME

AND/OR ADDRESS

Date

Departmental General Circular No. 10/2002

New Transport Service Arrangements

This circular updates the transport service arrangements for staff on duty. Itsupersedes Departmental General Circular No.12/2001 which is now invalid.

Cost Saving Measures

2. Greater economy must be achieved in the provision of Governmenttransport. The use of public transport should be regarded as the normal means of travel.This extends to all modes of public transport and does not include taxis.

3. Staff who use public transport in the course of their duties will bereimbursed on application to the Anon Bureau. All claims should be supported byreceipts.

Use of Departmental Vehicles

4. Officers in charge are responsible for the day-to-day operation anddeployment of departmental vehicles. The Departmental Transport Manager’s job is tooversee the management of the departmental fleet and co-ordinate vehicle acquisition.

CONTINUES IN NUMBERED PARAGRAPHS UNTIL THE END. THERE ARENO PAGE NUMBERS.

(David LAI Pak-yang)for Head of Department

Distribution list

c.c.

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6.5 Email – Tips on Layout and Style

Emails are more informal than traditional letters but that does not mean you can forgetabout grammar, punctuation or even good manners. At work, you should approachwriting an email as you would a letter.

As a general rule, write whole sentences, capitalise letters and punctuate properly.Traditional salutations and closings are not required, although it would never be wrong towrite ‘Dear John’ or ‘Yours sincerely’.

Emails should be brief, concise and accurate. Poor spelling and clumsy grammar lookunprofessional. Remember to use your online spell-checker.

Do not cover several subjects in one message. It makes your message less focusedand the reader may only reply to some, but not all, of your queries.

Try to fit your message on one screen.

Keep your paragraphs very short. Scrolling through a long paragraph can beannoying.

The normal salutation for emails is simply the person’s name, i.e.: ‘John’. Afriendlier alternative is: ‘Hi John’. If you are sending an email to a stranger, usethe traditional salutation: ‘Dear Mr Saunders’.

Write your name at the end of the message. Your email ‘signature’ should beunderneath. This is your full name, email address, position and telephone number.

Always include a subject and make sure you write it in the subject box. Youshould keep the heading short, otherwise it could be truncated.

Some formatting options such as italics, boldface and underlining cannot be usedin email. Alternatively, you can set off titles and emphasise words and phrases bymeans of asterisks, underscores or slashes:

‘Please *confirm* whether you can attend.’

‘the title of the booklet is _Style Guide on Official Writing_’

‘Remember to use the /spell-checker/ before sending out the message!’

Never capitalise whole words. This is the email equivalent of shouting.

If you are replying to a message and you want to comment on a particular pointthe sender has made, you should quote the relevant part of their message in yourreply:

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>Please confirm whether you can attend

Yes, I’ll be there. Thanks.

If you are sending a long URL, using brackets (< >) will ensure that it arrives inone piece: <http://abc.abc.uk/123456789/response=1234567>.

Use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ as you would in a letter.

6.6 Email Abbreviations

Abbreviations should be avoided unless you are sure they will be understood by therecipient. Here is a list of some more common abbreviations:

atm At the momentb/c Becauseb4 Beforebfn Bye for nowbol Best of luckbttp Back to the pointbtw By the wayc/o Care ofdl Downloadhand Have a nice dayfyi For your informationgtg Got to gogl Good luckiae In any eventimo In my opinionpcb Please call backpls Pleasepov Point of viewpto Please turn overre Regardingsit Stay in touchtks Thanksul Upload

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Chapter Seven: Minutes

There are many ways to record what was said during a meeting. Some records areprepared verbatim; others are condensed into short summaries. In most cases, however,minutes are presented as a summary of reported speech.

7.1 Reported Speech

This means you attribute all the words to those who said them without quoting directly.

For example: ‘I need to discuss this issue with my staff’ becomes:

‘David said that he needed to discuss the issue with his staff’.

Minutes are designed to tell you what happened rather than what was said, so not everyword needs to be recorded. Normally it is sufficient to report only the main argumentsand conclusions on a given point. But what you do attribute to a speaker should bereported accurately.

The first thing you have to do is convert your tenses. When describing what happened atthe meeting, the present tense becomes the simple past tense. ‘I disagree’ becomes ‘Johndisagreed’ or ‘John said that he disagreed’.

When describing an event that happened before the meeting, you should use the pastperfect tense:

‘He came here yesterday and we spoke for a long time’, becomes:

‘David said John had come to the office the day before and they had spoken for along time’.

Notice how ‘yesterday’ becomes ‘the day before’. Remember to convert pronouns (we >they) and words relating to time and place, for instance: today > on that day; tomorrow >the next day; here > there; this > that; now > then.

Questions are converted by using the verb ask and adding ‘if’ or ‘whether’:

‘Can you all attend the ceremony tomorrow?’

‘The Chairman asked if they could all attend the ceremony the next day’.

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7.2 Tips on Layout

Formats for minutes vary as each organisation tends to develop its own style. However,most minutes will at least contain:

• The name of the organisation• The type of meeting• The date and location• The name of the presiding officer• A record of attendees or absentees or both• A reference to the minutes of a previous meeting• An account of all major motions, points of order, appeals and all major decisions• The names of those making any of the points above• A schedule for the next meeting and an adjournment time

7.3 Sample Template

Name Department

Name Committee

Minutes of NAME held at TIME, DATE, LOCATION

1. Present (Sometimes, in larger meetings, only an absent heading is used)

xxxxxxxx

2. Absent with Apologies

xxxxxxxx

3. Opening Remarks (Chairman’s introduction – optional)

xxxxxxxx

4. Confirmation of the Minutes of DATE (Approving the previous minutes)

xxxxxxxx

5. Agenda (Optional)

xxxxxxxx

6. MATTERS ARISING (Main text. Use sub-headings and separately numbered paragraphs here)

i. Sub-heading One (All main points, decisions or conclusions should be reported)

xxxxxxxxxxx

ii. Sub-heading Two

7. DATE OF NEXT MEETING

8. ADJOURNMENT (Time of end of meeting)

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7.4 Sample – Summary Report

7.5 Reporting Verbs

Instead of using ‘said’ repeatedly when reporting spoken words, you should try to useother verbs that convey the mood of the speaker more accurately. For example:

‘The Chairman said that they should be cautious’ becomes:

‘The Chairman urged them to be cautious’ or ‘The Chairman urged caution’.

Remember that some reporting verbs require an object after the verb, such as:

informed them / persuaded him / urged them / reminded her

Meeting of Anon District Council on 10 March 2003

Proposal to Pedestrianise Fuk Wing Street in Tai Po

Summary Report

The Highways Department submitted a paper on the design of the proposed

scheme. Councillors approved the proposal unanimously and suggested

several ways to preserve its traditional features. They included redesigning

market stalls and painting the facades of buildings on both sides of the street.

They hoped that all the relevant departments would work together to study the

proposal and provide feedback before the end of July 2003.

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7.6 Some Alternatives to ‘Say’

Add Confirm Point outAdmit Confer ProposeAgree Criticise PromiseAsk Deny PraiseArgue Describe RecommendAssure Disagree RemindAnnounce Explore RelayBelieve Indicate RevealCalculate Inform ReportClaim Insist RequestClarify Maintain StateConsider Mention SuggestComment Object Welcome

7.7 Be Concise

After you write your minutes, review them to see if you can make your sentences moresuccinct. Take a look at these examples:

1. ‘A member opined that some staff members have taken prolonged sick leavewhich had created additional workload to their colleagues, who wererequired to provide coverage for them.’

2. ‘Councillors put forward a number of suggestions….’

The following sentences are better because they are more concise and idiomatic:

1. ‘One member said that prolonged sick leave taken by some staff members created additional work for their colleagues, who had to provide cover.’

2. ‘Councillors suggested….’

• ‘Opined’ is not contemporary usage. It is more modern to say ‘suggested’, ‘believed’,‘indicated’, or ‘took the view that’. ‘Workload to’: this is grammatically incorrect –the correct preposition is ‘for’.

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Use the active voice. It reads better and is normally shorter:

‘It was proposed’ > ‘They proposed…’

Cut down on unnecessary words in expressions:

‘Due to the fact that no agreement was reached, it was decided that the meeting should be adjourned until the next day.’ >

‘As no agreement was reached, they adjourned the meeting until the next day.’

Avoid repeat or redundant words:

‘take into consideration’ > ‘consider’‘each and every one’ > ‘each’‘to avoid confusion and misunderstanding’ > ‘to avoid confusion’‘until such time as’ > ‘until’‘a full and complete picture’ > ‘a complete picture’ or, if the adjective is notnecessary, simply ‘a picture’

Avoid lengthy introductions and delete ‘that’ if it does not affect the clarity ormeaning of your sentence:

‘He said that to all intents and purposes, the regulations had changed.’ >‘He said the regulations had changed.’‘He said that it was important to recognise that change was inevitable.’ >‘He asserted that change was inevitable.’

Keep your sentences short for clarity. Turn a long sentence into two:

‘Councillors agreed that, to avoid confusion and misunderstanding, a concretetimetable should be drawn up by them for the re-development of the existinghousing estates.’

‘Councillors agreed to draw up a timetable to re-develop the existing housingestates. They believed this would avoid any confusion.’

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Chapter Eight: More Succinct Writing

It is one thing to translate a document into English and quite another to write it in a moresuccinct and less literal style. Here are some suggestions to help you do this:

• Use fewer wordsDiscard redundant words and phrases i.e. repeat or unnecessary words. Think of one word that best describes what you want to say and use it:

The authentic real-life experienceThe authentic experience

‘Nominalisations’ are nouns that are made from verbs. They are wordy and makeyour writing less punchy. Replace them with action verbs wherever possible:

Reach an agreement = agreeConduct an investigation into = investigateTake into consideration = considerArrive at a decision = decide

Redundant words and phrases:

At a later date = laterCurrent trend = trendMutual cooperation = cooperationEnd result = result

• Vary the length of your sentencesGenerally shorter sentences work better than longer ones because they are clearer.However, to create an interesting pace, you should have a mixture of long andshort sentences. Long sentences are often tiring to read. Too many short sentencescan make your paragraph feel disjointed.

• Avoid overly-emphatic languageThis is a common problem for local, non-native speakers of English. Packing asentence with too many descriptive words makes it sound exaggerated and byextension, less credible. One carefully chosen word can hold more weight thanseveral superlatives.

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• For livelier writing, use the active form and personal pronouns

Satisfaction of these requirements must be achieved in order for a decisionto be reached by the board.The applicant must satisfy these requirements before we can decide.

It was a most wonderful restaurant and none of us could resist thetemptation of the delicacies.It was a wonderful restaurant. We could hardly resist the delicacies.

• To emphasise a point keep your sentence shortIf you want to highlight a point, cut out unnecessary words and introductorycomments in your sentence:

How can we deal with the problems we are facing?How can we deal with these problems?

As we all know, hot days in the desert are followed by cold nights.In the desert, cold nights follow hot days.

As a matter of fact, we are ready to begin.We are ready.

• Avoid inventing metaphors and similesIt is best to stick to familiar English metaphors and similes. A direct translationoften sounds odd in English. If you have to invent your own, keep the languagesimple and use a familiar analogy. The following is a real example of what can gowrong if you don’t:

‘Such government action is really inducing an abortion to a recreationalactivity.’

Many people would find this language offensive but the metaphor belowis well-known and perfectly acceptable:

‘Such action would be the nail in the coffin of this recreational activity.’

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8.1 Common Errors in Translations

This section highlights some common mistakes found in translations of newspaperarticles, press releases and other public notices.

8.2 An Article about the Weights and Measures Unit

Articles on famous restaurants always appeal to consumers. This time the eye-

catcher is a restaurant highly recommended as a provider of inexpensive and

delicious food. Admittedly, none of us can resist the temptation of

delicacies. During a routine operation, I visited the said restaurant with a few

good friends and ordered for those appetising dishes. Can you imagine a job

so marvellous? In fact, some colleagues and I were just performing our duties

in disguise of a customer in this restaurant, acting on a complaint about

short weight of the food being supplied. Since the restaurant was suspected of

contravening the Weights and Measures Ordinance, we were there simply to

conduct an investigation and obtain evidence. Needless to say, we left with an

empty stomach in the end.

It is a usual responsibility for officers to disguise themselves as customers of

many retailers, such as market stalls, shops and restaurants, for the sake

of investigating and obtaining evidence in relation to any breach of the

Weights and Measures Ordinance. Prosecution may also be initiated against

offenders. The Weights and Measures Ordinance aims to protect consumers

against fraudulent or unfair trading practices concerning quality.

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8.3 Language Use

This writer introduces the work of the Weights and Measures Unit quite effectivelyby grabbing the readers’ attention about good food in restaurants. This is moreinteresting than starting with something like: ‘The role of the Weights and MeasuresUnit is to investigate…’

The mix of long and short sentences also sets an interesting pace. But the paragraphsneed to be shorter and more concise. There are also some problems with language useand grammar.

Always ask: How can I interest my audience?

• ‘eye-catcher’ – The opening lines are confusing. The first line refers tonewspaper articles about restaurants. The second line appears to continue thistheme: ‘This time the eye-catcher is a restaurant’. The ‘eye-catcher’ here seemsto refer to a specific article about a restaurant. The third line changes subject andthe newspaper article theme is left hanging. So this opening does not work. If youintroduce a theme, you should bring it to a close. If you need to change subject,make sure it flows from your earlier thought.

• ‘Admittedly’ is redundant. There is no need to make a confession. Here is whenyou can:

‘Young children should not watch the news. Admittedly, news can beeducational but it also depicts violence.’

• ‘none of us can resist…delicacies’. This is out of context. There appears to beno point to this sentence here.

• ‘said’. Avoid using words like ‘said’, ‘aforementioned’, ‘above’. This is drybureaucratic language.

• ‘ordered for’. You ‘order a dish’ but you can ‘order for your friend’ (order onbehalf of).

• ‘some colleagues and I’. Not incorrect but it sounds a little awkward. Instead:‘My colleagues’ or ‘a few of my colleagues.’

• ‘in disguise of a customer’. This is incorrect. You can be ‘in disguise’, ‘in theguise of’ or you can ‘disguise yourself as something’. Here are some options:

‘We were performing our duties in the guise of customers.’

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‘We were working undercover, disguised as customers.’

‘We were working in disguise, pretending to be customers.’

• ‘short weight’. Use the article ‘the’. The general rule is that you use the articlefor countable nouns. See the sample below.

• ‘Needless to say’ is redundant. Only use this expression for obvious statements. Ifthis article is aimed at an internal audience, where it is well known that you arenot allowed to eat food in restaurants that you are investigating, then it would beacceptable.

• ‘with an empty stomach’. You can also say ‘on an empty stomach’

• ‘disguise themselves as customers of many retailers, such as market stalls…for the sake of investigating and obtaining evidence in relation to any breachof… ’. This sentence is long, clumsy and indirect. You do not need ‘for the sakeof’ or ‘in relation to’. Options:

‘They work undercover in market stalls, shops and restaurants toinvestigate potential breaches of the Weights and Measures Ordinance.’

‘They disguise themselves as ordinary customers in restaurants, shops andmarkets to investigate…’

8.4 An Alternative Article

Newspaper articles about good food always interest me. What caught my eye this week wasa review of a well-known restaurant. I went there only a few days ago and, it has to besaid, the food looked delicious. However, I wasn’t there to eat.

It was a routine operation. Good friends on a lunch break. Naturally hungry, we orderedplenty of dishes. But all was not as it seemed. We were working undercover, investigatinga complaint about food being served under the minimum weight required by law. Aftergathering evidence, we left behind an array of very tempting dishes.

At the Weights and Measures Unit, it is normal practice to work undercover. Posing asordinary customers, we visit restaurants, shops and markets to investigate possible breachesof the Weights and Measurements Ordinance. If we find evidence of wrongdoing, we issuewarnings or prosecute.

The Ordinance aims to protect consumers against fraudulent or unfair trading practices…

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8.5 Extracts from an Article about Motor Biking

(1) You may associate speed, excitement, hill country, muddy ground, danger together at

a mention of cross-country motorcycling…

(2) If under the guidance of professional coach, cross-country motor-cycling is an

appropriate pastime. You may have your motorcycle racing dream satisfactorily come true

safely…

(3) The training class of our motorcycling team can be claimed as the only one in Hong

Kong because usually individual coaching is provided in other places, thus the charges incurred

are much more expensive.

(4) In mid-December last year, a mere 7 year old met with an accident in the practice

field of a cross-country motorcycle club in Fanling and died. This led to a mighty uproar. Some

fans of the cross-country motorcycle racing activity are of the opinion that maybe due to the

accident, the government becomes to hold a negative attitude towards cross-country

motorcycle racing activities.

(5) During recent days, several local cross country motorcycle clubs have, one after the

other, received notification from the Planning Department that the land which they have been

using as a motorcycle practice field by them is now changed to farmland zoning. One of these

clubs expressed that such government action is really destroying a recreational activity that has

been developing quite well despite it is still in the germination stage.

(6) According to Mr Wong, the person in charge of the accident-related HK Biking,

fanatics of the cross-country motorcycle racing activity in Hong Kong have been, over the

years, practising at Fanling.

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8.6 Language Use

• ‘of professional coach’. A countable noun so use the article ‘a’.

• ‘satisfactorily’. This is redundant. Either your dream comes true or it doesn’t.

• ‘can be claimed’. Avoid the passive if possible: ‘is the only training class inHong Kong’ ‘They claim it is the only…’ ‘They believe it is the only…’ If youhave to use the passive, then try: ‘is believed’ or ‘is considered’ as they sound lessawkward.

• ‘thus’. ‘Thus’ and ‘therefore’ are associated with more formal writing. They areless common in newspaper articles or press statements.

• ‘met with an accident’. Too many words. Use an action verb: ‘crashed’ or themore common ‘had an accident’ or ‘was involved in an accident’ if you do notknow the details.

• ‘are of the opinion’. Try a more direct approach: ‘believe’

• ‘becomes to hold a negative attitude’. You cannot ‘become to hold’. You can:‘become negative towards/to/about’. Better ways to phrase this are:

‘The Government has begun to show its disapproval of…’‘The Government has become more negative about…’

• ‘one after the other’, ‘activity’, ‘zoning’ and ‘by them’ are all repeated orunnecessary words in their contexts.

• ‘expressed that’. Normally you ‘express’ an emotion or opinion: ‘He expressedhis disappointment/dismay/shock/surprise’ or ‘express the view that…’.

• ‘germination stage’. This is not incorrect but the word is usually associated withdeveloping ideas. Instead: ‘The activity is still in its early stages.’

• ‘accident-related’. This has been condensed to the point where it no longer readswell. You should explain clearly what you mean. See the sample ‘Less LiteralAlternatives’ below.

• ‘fanatics’ are extremists. The word has negative connotations. In this context,suitable words include: ‘fans’, ‘supporters’, ‘enthusiasts’.

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8.7 Less Literal and More Succinct Alternatives

There are several ways to re-write the extracts from Motor Biking. The examples beloware merely suggestions.

(1) ‘Cross-country motorcycling is all about speed, excitement, danger and mud.’

OR: ‘When you think about cross country motor-biking, speed, danger and mud all spring

to mind.’

(2) ‘With the support of a professional coach, cross-country motorcycling can be

relatively safe.’ OR ‘Under the watchful eye of a professional coach….’

(3) This is the only training class of its kind in Hong Kong. Other places provide

individual coaching, which is more expensive.

(4) Tragedy struck last December when a seven-year-old boy crashed in the practice

field of a Fanling motor-biking club and died. There was uproar. Racing enthusiasts

believe the government’s attitude towards cross-country motorbike racing has hardened

because of the accident.

(5) Recently, the Planning Department notified several motor-biking clubs that the

derelict land they now use for racing would be re-designated as farmland. Many club

members are dismayed by what they see as Government plans to destroy a recreational

activity that had been developing so well.

(6) Mr Wong, manager of HK Biking, the club where the accident occurred, said

that enthusiasts have been practising in Fanling for years.

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Appendix – The Language of Appraisals

This appendix lists useful words and phrases to help managers and supervisors in theevaluation of employee performance.

Useful Verbs

Achieves

Accomplishes

Acquires

Adapts

Adheres

Adopts

Anticipates

Applies

Assumes

Builds

Combines

Communicates

Comprehends

Conceives

Conducts

Creates

Copes

Considers

Cultivates

Delegates

Delivers

Demonstrates

Deploys

Deserves

Develops

Discharges

Devises

Devotes

Displays

Distinguishes

Employs

Enforces

Encourages

Ensures

Excels

Executes

Exercises

Expands

Facilitates

Follows up

Focuses

Foresees

Fulfils

Generates

Grasps

Keeps

Maintains

Manages

Maximises

Meets

Minimises

Monitors

Motivates

Organises

Plans

Presents

Prioritises

Processes

Produces

Projects

Promotes

Pursues

Realises

Receives

Recognises

Refrains

Relates

Reports

Retains

Serves

Shows

Solves

Stimulates

Strives

Surpasses

Sustains

Thinks

Tolerates

Treats

Undertakes

Uses

Weighs

Widens

Works

Writes

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Negative Verbs and Phrases

Here are some verbs and phrases to help you describe unsatisfactory performance:

• Omits; Fails; Avoids; Needs to; Needs to improve; Needs to show; Is expected to;Requires; Is required to; Could do more to; Could improve.

You can construct a variety of negative comments by combining a positive verb (seethe Useful Verb list above) with a comparative: ‘Could manage the budget moreefficiently by…’, ‘Must cope better with stress’, ‘Needs to display greatercooperation.’

Positive WordsAbleAccurateAchieverAdaptableAdeptAlertAmbitiousCharismaticCleverCommittedCompetentComposedConciseConfidentConscientiousConsiderateConsistentConstructiveCreativeDecisiveDedicatedDeterminedDependableDiplomaticDisciplinedDiscreet

EagerEfficientEffectiveEnergeticEnterprisingEnthusiasticExceptionalFlexibleFormidableForward-lookingGenuineGood-naturedGood plannerHands onHelpfulHighly skilledHonestImpeccableIndustriousIngeniousKeenKnowledgeableLogicalMatureMeticulousMotivated

ObservantOpen-mindedOptimisticOutstandingPatientPersuasivePositiveProductiveProfessionalProven abilityPrudentPunctualRationalRespectedPerceptivePopularPractical thinkerProblem solverProficientPromptProfessionalPrudentPurposefulRealisticResourcefulResolute

RespectfulResponsibleRigorousSelf-assuredSelf-confidentSelf-reliantSelf-starterSincereSolid achieverSophisticatedStrong performerSuccessfulSuccess-orientedSuperbSuperiorSupportiveTactfulTeam playerThoroughTrouble-shooterTrustworthyVersatileVisionaryWell-likedWell-informed

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Common Appraisal Phrases

This list illustrates the kind of language used in common appraisals. The words canbe adapted easily to express other qualities and abilities.

Accepts criticism gracefully

Always seeks fresh challenges

Assumes responsibility for joint decisions

Avoids unnecessary confrontation

Can be counted on to

Can be relied on to

Continuously explores new

Conveys a mature and responsible attitude

Copes well under pressure

Copes effectively with adversity

Delegates tasks effectively

Demonstrates a high degree of commitment

Demonstrates strong persuasive skills

Displays maturity in managing disputes

Displays a willingness to take on more

Displays a warm and caring personality

Displays a strong sense of purpose

Displays strong potential to

Effectively assesses

Engenders trust in

Excels in encouraging others to

Excels in resolving conflicts

Excels in communicating with others

Exudes confidence in

Focuses on

Fulfils his duties with flair

Gains the admiration of his associates for

Generates new ideas

Gives maximum effort to

Gives appropriate attention to

Handles difficult situations well

Handles several tasks effectively

Has a pleasant demeanour

Has a delightful personality

Honours all commitments

Is very willing to take on challenges

103

Common Appraisal Phrases (Cont’d)

Is proactive in dealing with complaints

Is eager to assume responsibility

Is keen to demonstrate his potential

Is cooperative and obliging

Is impeccably honest

Is an effective persuader

Is very skilled in gaining support

Is committed to high standards

Is pleasant and enthusiastic

Is extremely self-reliant and resourceful

Is always polite and tactful

Is capable of more responsibility

Is tactful in his dealings with others

Is methodical in his approach to

Is always dependable

Is ambitious and hard-working

Is consistent in his approach to

Is always polite

Is receptive to initiatives

Inspires other to

Maintains a high degree of professionalism

Makes good use of

Negotiates with skill

Organises tasks well

Persistently achieves high results

Possesses a mature attitude

Possesses a cheerful disposition

Possesses natural leadership qualities

Projects confidence

Promotes team spirit

Provides extremely valuable support to

Remains calm in stressful situations

Retains a sense of proportion

Seizes the initiative

Shows genuine commitment

Skilfully handles difficult situations

Thrives in a pressurised environment

104

Index

Categories of Correspondence, 20Notices and Letters Providing Information,

20Ceremonial Writing, 67

Faulty Plaque, 69Introduction, 67Language Use, 67Sample Certificate, 72Sample Invitation, 71Sample Plaque, 71Tips on Layout and Style, 68

Complimentary Closes, 18Declining Letters, 62

Faulty Declining Letter, 63General Tips on Layout, 62Sample Decision Pending Letter, 66Sample Declining Letter, 65, 66

Forms of Address, 12Addressing groups, 17Clergy, 14Consular and Professional, 16Foreign Honours, 16Government, 12HKSAR Honours, 15Judiciary, 13

Language UseAvoiding Emphatic Language, 47Avoiding Jargon, 5Be Concise, 90Switching Personal Pronouns, 43

Layout Styles, 1Dates, 4Talk to the Reader, 6Tips on Layout and Style, 7

Letter StylesBlock, 9Indented, 8Modified, 10Simplified, 11

Letters of Acknowledgement, 44Apologies, 45Condolences, 46Faulty Letter of Apology, 58Faulty Letter of Congratulations, 55Sample Congratulations Letters, 56Sample Letter of Apology, 59

Sample Response to a Request, 60Sample Retirement Letters, 57

Letters of Thanks, 44Faulty Letter, 48Language Use, 51Sample Letter, 50

Letters Providing Information, 20Faulty letter, 24Language Use, 25Sample, 26Sample (Personal), 27

Memos, Circulars and Email, 79Email - Tips on Layout and Style, 85Email Abbreviations, 86Sample Circular, 84Sample Memo, 81Tips on Layout and Style for Circulars, 82Tips on Layout and Style for Memos, 79

Minutes, 87Alternatives to 'Say', 90Be Concise, 90Reported Speech, 87Reporting Verbs, 89Sample Summary Report, 89Template, 88Tips on Layout, 88

More Succinct Writing, 92Common Errors, 94Faulty Article, 94Faulty Article – Language Use, 95Faulty Article Extracts, 97Faulty Article Extracts – Language Use,

98Sample Article, 96Sample Extracts, 99

Press Statements, 21Faulty Statement, 28Language Use, 29Sample, 30

Public Notices, 20Faulty Public Notice, 22Sample Public Notice, 23Sample Warning Notice, 42Tips on Layout and Style, 20

Punctuation, 2Familiar Abbreviations, 2

105

Latin, 3Other abbreviations, 4Salutations, 2Titles, 2

Request and Demand Letters, 31Faulty Demand Letter, 38Faulty Demand Letter – Language Use, 39Faulty Request for a Favour, 36Faulty Request Letter, 34Faulty Request Letter – Language Use, 34,

36Invitations, 33

Letters Demanding Action, 33Persuading Letters, 32Requesting Favours, 32Sample Demand Letter, 41Sample Favour Letter, 37Sample Routine Request, 35

Speech Openings, 73Extracts and Samples, 76Humour, 74Opening Styles, 73Tips on Style, 75

Table of Contents, i

english official writing

Documents

layout of correspondence

style guide

layout styles

official writing

basics of layout

official languages agency

examples of faulty letters

persuading letters