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Christian Confrontations. A Review of the Conflict Management Process. Conflict Management Process. Step 1: Define the Conflict is it SIN or difference of opinion?. Difference. SIN. Biblical Resolution. 2a: Individual Confrontation. 2b: Individual Confrontation. Mutual agreement. - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

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  • Christian Confrontations

  • A Review of the Conflict Management Process

  • Step 1: Define the Conflict is it SIN or difference of opinion?2b: Individual ConfrontationBiblical ResolutionSINRepentance3b: Confrontation with witnessesRepentance4b: Confrontationby the ChurchRepentance5b: Church DisciplineRepentance or be expelledDifference2a: Individual ConfrontationMutual agreement3a: Confrontation with Third-partyMutual agreement4a: Pastoral DecisionSubmission to PastorConflict Management Process

  • What is a crucial conversation? And who cares?pages 1-2

  • A conversation is crucial when . . .1. Opinions vary2. stakes are high3. emotions run strongpages 1-2

  • Step 1: Define the Conflict is it SIN or difference of opinion?2b: Individual ConfrontationBiblical ResolutionSINRepentance3b: Confrontation with witnessesRepentance4b: Confrontationby the ChurchRepentance5b: Church DisciplineRepentance or be expelledDifference2a: Individual ConfrontationMutual agreement3a: Confrontation with Third-partyMutual agreement4a: Pastoral DecisionSubmission to PastorConflict Management Process...when opinions vary... ...when stakes are high... ...when emotions run strong.Its not enough to understand the process.We must learn to handle the conversations skillfully.

  • Proverbs 22:11Proverbs 13:3Proverbs 23:15-16Proverbs 29:20Ephesians 4:15James 1:19James 2:12-13Biblical ConceptsWhat advantage do we have as Christians that unbelievers do not have?Matthew 12:33-37

  • The Pool of Shared Meaningpages 21-24

  • pages 21-24*OpinionsTheoriesFeelingsExperiencesOpinionsTheoriesFeelingsExperiencesThe Pool of Shared MeaningOpinionsTheoriesFeelingsExperiencesProverbs 11:14

  • Proverbs 15:22Biblical ConceptsJames 1:19-20The value of shared meaningThe value of listeningPhilippians 2:1-4The value of Unity

  • Start with the Heartpage 27

  • Casting BlameGenesis 3:11-13page 29

  • Casting BlameGenesis 3:11-13Matthew 7:3-5page 29

  • OpinionsTheoriesFeelingsExperiencesOpinionsTheoriesFeelingsExperiencesThe Goal of Every BelieverJames 1:19-20

  • TheoriesOpinionsTheoriesFeelingsExperiencesThe Goal of Every Believer

  • Focus on what you really wantpages 32-35

  • Common Deviations / Wrong Motives1. Wanting to win.(Matthew 5:43-44)2. Seeking Revenge(Romans 12:18-21)3. Hoping to remain safe(Proverbs 27:5-6)pages 35-37

  • What do we really want, as believers?The One anothers of RomansLove (Romans 12:10)Respect (Romans 12:10)Honor (Romans 12:10)To live in harmony (Romans 12:16)Mutual acceptance (Romans 15:7)Mutual Instruction (Romans 15:14)Mutual Edification

  • In a church discipline matter,what do we really want?Matthew 18:15-20Galatians 6:1-61 Corinthians 51. Restoration2. Purity of the church

  • Learn to Lookpage 45

  • How to Recognize Crucial Conversations1. Physical Signs2. Emotions3. Behavioral Conductpages 47-48

  • James 1:19-20

  • Silence and Violence

    ConflictViolenceSilencepages 51-54

  • *Leviticus 19:182 Ways to demonstrate a lack of love1. Seeking revenge2. Bearing a grudge= ViolenceViolence= SilenceSilence-Masking-Avoiding-Withdrawing-Controlling-Labeling-Attackingpages 51-54

  • Biblical Love

    ConflictHarmony

  • Make it Safepages 51-54

  • Making it SafeWhat do we do when it is evident that the other person does not feel safe?a. Step out of the conversation (We leave the content of the conflict)Xb. Make it safec. Step back in (We re-join the dialogue.)How?Ecclesiastes 5:2-3pages 66-68

  • How to Make it SafeThere are 2 Essential Conditions to Safety:1. Mutual Purpose2. Mutual RespectDo his concerns matter to me?Have I expressed that they matter to me?Does he believe they matter to me?Mutual PurposeIs he defending his dignity?Has he become very emotional?Is he pouting, name-calling, yelling or making threats?pages 68-74

  • Together, we attack the conflict.We do not attack the person with whom we have the conflict.

  • Using the O.I.C.A. Method

  • The O.I.C.A. MethodO = ObservationI = InterpretationC = ClarificationA = Accusation

  • O = Observation-Clearly indicate what you have observedExamples:You said you would call me, but you never did.You told me you couldnt go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.The O.I.C.A. Method

  • I = InterpretationYou said you would call me, but you never did.You told me you couldnt go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.O =I =It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.O =I =It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time here in the mall.The O.I.C.A. Method

  • The Role of AttitudeI = InterpretationThe temptation is to let our emotions carry us to our conclusion.However, we must convert our negative emotions(anger, fear, frustration, etc.) into CURIOSITY.

  • I = InterpretationYou said you would call me, but you never did.You told me you couldnt go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.O =I =It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.O =I =It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time her in the mall. The O.I.C.A. Method

  • C = ClarificationThe Benefit of the DoubtNumbers 35:30Matthew 18:15-17Deuteronomy 17:6James 2:1-4O.T.N.T.Compare Gods description of Job (Job 1:1 and 8) with the confrontations of Jobs friends.The O.I.C.A. Method

  • ACTIVITYUsing the earlier examples, describe some possible clarifications for the actions of the accused person.You said you would call me, but you never did.You told me you couldnt go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.O =I =It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.O =I =It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time here in the mall. C =???????C =???????

  • A = AccusationMatthew 18:15-173 steps1. Restoration2. Purity of the church1. Individual Confrontation2. Confrontation with WitnessesWitnesses of the sin or of the confrontation?3. Confrontation by the ChurchRemember the 2 goals:The O.I.C.A. Method

  • Master my Storiespage 93

  • O = ObservationI = InterpretationC = ClarificationA = AccusationOur observations are limited.We fill in the details to come to an interpretation. (We tell ourselves stories).The problem: We cant trust these stories.The O.I.C.A. Method

  • The Role of our EmotionsClaim 1: Emotions dont settle on you like a fog. You and only you create your emotions.ActionHe made me mad!pages 94-95

  • Galatians 5:16-26...the fruit of the Spirit is... self control.

  • Claim 2: Once youve created your emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them.EmotionsInfluenceThe Role of our Emotionspages 94-95

  • 1 Corinthians 10:13No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

  • *How Feelings drive Actionspages 97-98FeelActSee/HearTell a Storypages 98-99

  • *Retrace your Pathpage 102FeelActSee/HearTell a StoryAm I in some sort of silence or violence?What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?What story is creating these emotions?What evidence do I have to support this story?

  • How to tell yourself accurate stories1. Distinguish between fact and story.2. Tell yourself alternate stories.-Ask yourself, Why would a reasonable person do what he did?3. Give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment.4. Use the O.I.C.A. method to investigate further.Negative emotions will turn into CURIOSITY.

  • State my Pathpage 119

  • O = ObservationI = InterpretationC = ClarificationA = AccusationThe O.I.C.A. Method

  • Sharing Risky MeaningSpeakingSay NothingSpeak the TruthLove / RespectSay NothingSpeak the TruthLittle LoveLittle LoveMuch LoveMuch Lovepages 120-121

  • SpeakingSay NothingSpeak the TruthLove / RespectSay NothingSpeak the TruthLittle LoveLittle LoveMuch LoveMuch Love1. The worst at dialogue...Rudely speak the truthSilently bear a grudgeThey vacilate between Violence and Silencepages 120-121

  • SpeakingSay NothingSpeak the TruthLove / RespectSay NothingSpeak the TruthLittle LoveLittle LoveMuch LoveMuch Love2. The good at dialogue...They vacilate between speaking and protecting.Silent/Not wanting to hurtSilently bear a grudgeRudely speak the truthpages 120-121

  • SpeakingSay NothingSpeak the TruthLove / RespectSay NothingSpeak the TruthLittle LoveLittle LoveMuch LoveMuch LoveSilent/Not wanting to hurtSilently bear a grudgeRudely speak the truth3. The best at dialogue...They are totally sincere and totally respetful.Speak the truth w/ respectpages 120-121

  • Galatians 6:1-6Matthew 18:15-17Ephesians 4:15

  • *S.T.A.T.E.pages 124-128FeelActSee/HearTell a Story1. Share your facts2. Tell your story3. Ask for others path4. Talk Tentatively5. Encourage testingpages 128-131page 131pages 131-133pages 134-135

  • Explore Others Pathspages 141-160

  • O = ObservationI = InterpretationC = ClarificationA = AccusationThere are 2 goal of Clarification. 1. Correct my wrong stories2. Understand the other persons pathThe O.I.C.A. Meth

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