christian confrontations. a review of the conflict management process
TRANSCRIPT
Christian Confrontations
A Review of the Conflict Management Process
Step 1: Define the Conflictis it SIN or difference of opinion?
2b: Individual Confrontation
Biblical Resolution
SIN
Repentance
3b: Confrontation with witnesses
Repentance
4b: Confrontationby the Church
Repentance
5b: Church Discipline
Repentance or be expelled
Difference
2a: Individual Confrontation
Mutual agreement
3a: Confrontation with Third-party
Mutual agreement
4a: Pastoral Decision
Submiss
ion to
Past
or
Conflict Management Process
What is a crucial conversation? And who
cares?
pages 1-2
A conversation is crucial when . . .
1. Opinions vary
2. stakes are high
3. emotions run strong
pages 1-2
Step 1: Define the Conflictis it SIN or difference of opinion?
2b: Individual Confrontation
Biblical Resolution
SIN
Repentance
3b: Confrontation with witnesses
Repentance
4b: Confrontationby the Church
Repentance
5b: Church Discipline
Repentance or be expelled
Difference
2a: Individual Confrontation
Mutual agreement
3a: Confrontation with Third-party
Mutual agreement
4a: Pastoral Decision
Submiss
ion to
Past
or
Conflict Management Process...when opinions vary... ...when stakes are high...
...when emotions run strong.
It’s not enough to understand the process.We must learn to handle the conversations skillfully.
7
Proverbs 22:11
Proverbs 13:3
Proverbs 23:15-16
Proverbs 29:20
Ephesians 4:15
James 1:19
James 2:12-13
Biblical Concepts
What advantage do we have as Christians that unbelievers do not have?
Matthew 12:33-37
The Pool of Shared Meaning
pages 21-24
9pages 21-24 9
Opinions
TheoriesFeelings
Experiences
Opinions
TheoriesFeelings
Experiences
The Pool of Shared Meaning
Opinions
Theories
Feelings
Experiences
Proverbs 11:14
10
Proverbs 15:22
Biblical Concepts
James 1:19-20
“The value of shared meaning”
“The value of listening”
Philippians 2:1-4
“The value of Unity”
Start with the Heart
page 27
12
Casting Blame
Genesis 3:11-13
page 29
13
Casting Blame
Genesis 3:11-13
Matthew 7:3-5
page 29
14
Opinions
TheoriesFeelings
Experiences
Opinions
TheoriesFeelings
Experiences
The Goal of Every Believer
James 1:19-20
15
Theories
Opinions
Theories
Feelings
Experiences
The Goal of Every Believer
Focus on what you really want
pages 32-35
17
Common Deviations / Wrong Motives
1. Wanting to win. (Matthew 5:43-44)
2. Seeking Revenge (Romans 12:18-21)
3. Hoping to remain safe (Proverbs 27:5-6)
pages 35-37
18
What do we really want, as believers?
The “One anothers” of Romans
Love (Romans 12:10)Respect (Romans 12:10)Honor (Romans 12:10)To live in harmony (Romans 12:16)Mutual acceptance (Romans 15:7)Mutual Instruction (Romans 15:14)
Mutual Edification
19
In a “church discipline” matter,what do we really want?
Matthew 18:15-20
Galatians 6:1-6
1 Corinthians 5
1. Restoration
2. Purity of the church
Learn to Look
page 45
21
How to Recognize Crucial Conversations
1. Physical Signs
2. Emotions
3. Behavioral Conduct
pages 47-48
22
James 1:19-20
23
Silence and Violence
Conflict
Violence
Silence
pages 51-54
2424
Leviticus 19:18
2 Ways to demonstrate a lack of love
1. Seeking revenge
2. Bearing a grudge
= “Violence”
“Violence”
= “Silence”
“Silence”
-Masking-Avoiding
-Withdrawing
-Controlling-Labeling-Attacking
pages 51-54
25
Biblical Love
ConflictHarmony
Make it Safe
pages 51-54
27
Making it Safe
What do we do when it is evident that the other person does not feel safe?
a. Step out of the conversation (We leave the content of the conflict)
X
b. Make it safec. Step back in (We re-join the dialogue.)
How?
Ecclesiastes 5:2-3
pages 66-68
28
How to Make it SafeThere are 2 Essential Conditions to Safety:
1. Mutual Purpose 2. Mutual Respect
Do his concerns matter to me?
Have I expressed that they matter to me?
Does he believe they matter to me?
Mutual PurposeIs he defending his dignity?
Has he become very emotional?
Is he pouting, name-calling, yelling or making threats?
pages 68-74
Together, we attack the conflict.We do not attack the person with
whom we have the conflict.
Using the O.I.C.A. Method
31
The O.I.C.A. Method
O = Observation
I = Interpretation
C = Clarification
A = Accusation
32
O = Observation
-Clearly indicate what you have observed
Examples:
“You said you would call me, but you never did.”
“You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.”
The O.I.C.A. Method
33
I = Interpretation
“You said you would call me, but you never did.”
“You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.”
O =
I = “It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.”
O =
I =“It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time here in the mall.”
The O.I.C.A. Method
34
The Role of AttitudeI = Interpretation
The temptation is to let our emotions carry us to our conclusion.
However, we must convert our negative emotions(anger, fear, frustration, etc.) into CURIOSITY.
35
I = Interpretation
“You said you would call me, but you never did.”
“You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.”
O =
I = “It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.”
O =
I =“It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time her in the mall.”
The O.I.C.A. Method
C = Clarification
The Benefit of the Doubt
Numbers 35:30
Matthew 18:15-17
Deuteronomy 17:6
James 2:1-4
O.T.
N.T.
Compare God’s description of Job (Job 1:1 and 8) with the confrontations of Job’s ‘friends.’
The O.I.C.A. Method
37
ACTIVITYUsing the earlier examples, describe some possible clarifications for the actions of the accused person.
“You said you would call me, but you never did.”
“You told me you couldn’t go to church because you were sick, but here you are in the mall 15 minutes after the service.”
O =
I = “It seems to me that you lied... that you never were going to call me.”
O =
I = “It seems to me that you made up that excuse... that you actually spent the whole time here in the mall.”
C = ???????
C = ???????
A = Accusation
Matthew 18:15-173 steps
1. Restoration
2. Purity of the church
1. Individual Confrontation
2. Confrontation with Witnesses
Witnesses of the sin or of the confrontation?
3. Confrontation by the Church
Remember the 2 goals:
The O.I.C.A. Method
Master my Stories
page 93
40
O = Observation
I = Interpretation
C = Clarification
A = Accusation
Our observations are limited.
We fill in the details to come to an interpretation. (We tell ourselves stories).
The problem: We can’t trust these stories.
The O.I.C.A. Method
41
The Role of our EmotionsClaim 1: Emotions don’t settle on you like a fog. You and only you create your emotions.
Action
He made me mad!
pages 94-95
Galatians 5:16-26“...the fruit of the Spirit is...
self control.”
43
Claim 2: Once you’ve created your emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them.
Emotions Influence
The Role of our Emotions
pages 94-95
1 Corinthians 10:13“No temptation has overtaken you
except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you
be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also
provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
4545
How Feelings drive Actions
pages 97-98
Feel ActSee/Hear
Tell a Story
pages 98-99
4646
Retrace your Path
page 102
Feel ActSee/Hear
Tell a Story
Am I in some sort of silence or violence?
What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
What story is creating these emotions?
What evidence do I have to support this story?
47
How to tell yourself accurate stories
1. Distinguish between fact and story.
2. Tell yourself alternate stories.-Ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable person do what he did?”
3. Give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment.
4. Use the O.I.C.A. method to investigate further.
Negative emotions will turn into CURIOSITY.
State my Path
page 119
49
O = Observation
I = Interpretation
C = Clarification
A = Accusation
The O.I.C.A. Method
50
Sharing Risky Meaning
Speaking
Say Nothing Speak the TruthLove / R
esp
ect
Say Nothing Speak the Truth
Little Love Little Love
Much Love Much Love
pages 120-121
51
Speaking
Say Nothing Speak the TruthLove / R
esp
ect
Say Nothing Speak the Truth
Little Love Little Love
Much Love Much Love
1. The worst at dialogue...
Rudely speak the truthSilently bear a grudge
They vacilate between “Violence” and “Silence”
pages 120-121
52
Speaking
Say Nothing Speak the TruthLove / R
esp
ect
Say Nothing Speak the Truth
Little Love Little Love
Much Love Much Love
2. The good at dialogue...
They vacilate between “speaking” and “protecting.”
Silent/Not wanting to hurt
Silently bear a grudge Rudely speak the truth
pages 120-121
53
Speaking
Say Nothing Speak the TruthLove / R
esp
ect
Say Nothing Speak the Truth
Little Love Little Love
Much Love Much LoveSilent/Not wanting to hurt
Silently bear a grudge Rudely speak the truth
3. The best at dialogue...
They are totally sincere and totally respetful.
Speak the truth w/ respect
pages 120-121
Galatians 6:1-6Matthew 18:15-17
Ephesians 4:15
55
S.T.A.T.E.
pages 124-128
Feel ActSee/Hear
Tell a Story
1. Share your facts
2. Tell your story
3. Ask for other’s path
4. Talk Tentatively
5. Encourage testing
pages 128-131page 131pages 131-133pages 134-
135
Explore Others’ Paths
pages 141-160
57
O = Observation
I = Interpretation
C = Clarification
A = AccusationThere are 2 goal of “Clarification.”
1. Correct my wrong stories
2. Understand the other person’s path
The O.I.C.A. Method
58
My Path
Clarification
Feel ActSee/Hear
Tell a Story
5959
The Other Person’s Path
pages 143-144
Feel ActSee/Hear
Tell a Story
Attitude: (1) Be sincere (2) Be curious (3) Be patient
page 145
Encourage others to retrace their path
¿How?
(a) Ask to get things rolling
pages 148-153
(b) Mirror to confirm feelings
(c) Paraphrase to acknowledge the story
(d) Prime when you’re getting nowhere
Move to Action
pages 161-178
61
The 4 Methods of Decision Making
1. Command
Incr
easi
ng
deg
rees
of
involv
em
ent
+ Commitment / - Efficiency
- Commitment / + Efficiency
2. Consult
3. Vote
4. Consensus
Role of the Leader
Make Decisions/Give Orders
Invite Influence
Procure Democracy
Find Mutual Agreement
pages 164-166
62
How to Choose
Who cares?
Who knows?
Who must agree?
How many people is it worth involving?
4 Important Questions
pages 166-173
63
1. Command (make decisions/give orders)
1. Don’t pass out orders like candy.
“As a general rule, if people can makechoices, allow them to do so.”
2. When you face a command decision, ask which elements are flexible.
3. Explain why.
pages 168-169
64
2. Consult (Invite Influence)
1. Inform that you are consulting... that you will make the final decision.
2. Consult when...(a) many people will be affected,(b) you can gather information relatively easily,(c) people care about the decision, and (d) there are many options, some of them controversial.3. Don’t pretend to consult.
4. Announce what you’re doing.“When you’re only going to involve a sample of the people who will be affected, let others know who these people are so they can talk to them if they like.”
5. Report your decision (and why).
pages 169-170
65
1. Weigh the consequences.
WINNERS!
LOSERS!
3. Vote (Procure Democracy)
pages 170-171
66
1. Weigh the consequences.
2. Know when to vote.-When matters aren’t all that weighty.
-When there are a variety of good options.
3. Don’t cop out with a vote.“Votes should never replace patient analysis and healthy dialogue.”
3. Vote (Procure Democracy)
pages 170-171
67
4. Consensus (Mutual Agreement)
1. Don’t force consensus on everything.“If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.”
- Abraham Maslow -
pages 171-173
68
2. Don’t pretend that everyone gets his or her first choice.“When someone’s opinion goes against the majority, everyone should listen, understand and evaluate that opinion.”
3. No martyrs please.“If my opinion goes against the majority, and if the others listen, understand and evaluate my opinion, I owe it to the team to support the decision of the team.”
pages 171-173
4. Consensus (Mutual Agreement)
1. Don’t force consensus on everything.
69
1. Don’t force consensus on everything.
2. Don’t pretend that everyone gets his or her first choice.
3. No martyrs please.
4. Don’t take turns.“Decisions should be based on merit, not on who offers up the options.”5. Don’t engage in post-decision
lobbying.6. Don’t say, “I told you so.”
pages 171-173
4. Consensus (Mutual Agreement)
70
Putting Decisions into Action
1. Who?
2. Does what?
3. By when?
4. How will you follow up?
pages 174-177
Forgiveness and Restoration
Level of Trust+10
+0
-10
+5
-5
Stranger / Unknown
Matthew 25:14-29
+10
+0
-10
+5
-5
Stranger / Unknown
“A Trustworthy Person”
Level of Trust
+10
+0
-10
+5
-5
Stranger / Unknown
“A Trustworthy Person”
“Person of Bad Character”
Level of Trust
Matthew 18:21-22 (70x7)
+10
+0
-10
+5
-5
Stranger / Unknown
“A Trustworthy Person”
“Person of Bad Character”
Level of Trust
Forgiveness does not equal blind trust.Proverbs 27:11-13
Proverbs 25:19Job 15:15-16
Psalms 40:4
Psalms 118:8-9
Jeremiah 9:4
It’s not taking into account that which has been forgiven.
It’s restoring the forgiven person to “0,” giving him another opportunity to win your trust.
+10
+0
-10
+5
-5
Stranger / Unknown
“A Trustworthy Person”
“Person of Bad Character”
“Not taking into account”
“Being a Fool”
Level of Trust
+10
+0
-10
+5
-5
Stranger / Unknown
“A Trustworthy Person”
Persona de mal carácter
“Not taking into account”
“Building Trust”
Level of Trust
Putting it All Together
pages 179-192
82
I observe an action that bothers me.
!
Is it a “sin” issue or a difference of opinion?
83
I decide to confront
- I review my attitude.- I review my “path.” (See/hear - Tell myself a story - Feel - Act)
- I review my goals... what I really want. (Restoration / Purity)
Silence
Violence
84
I make it safea. I make sure we have a mutual purpose.
M.P.
b. I make sure that there is mutual respect.
85
I dominate my own stories
See
Stories
Feel
Act
- I convert my negative emotions into curiosity.
86
I explore the paths of others
See
Stories
Feel
Act
I use the O.I.C.A. Method
See
Stories
Feel
Act
Observation
Interpretation
Clarification
Accusation
87
We fill the Poolof Shared Meaning
See
Stories
Feel
Act
See
Stories
Feel
Act
Pool of S.M.
88
We come to a mutual agreementA “mutual agreement” can be a resolution or a plan of action.
89
?
ResolutionPlan of Action
We come to a mutual agreementA “mutual agreement” can be a resolution or a plan of action.
90
In the case that this was a “sin issue,” the resolution should equal repentance.
We come to a mutual agreementA “mutual agreement” can be a resolution or a plan of action.
91
?
ResolutionPlan of Action
?
Resolution
We come to a mutual agreement
In the case that this was a “sin issue,” the resolution should equal repentance.
A “mutual agreement” can be a resolution or a plan of action.
92
We form a “Follow-up” Plan
1. Who?
2. Does what?
3. By when?
4. How will it be followed up?
Step 1: Define the Conflictis it SIN or difference of opinion?
Biblical Resolution
SIN
Repentance
Repentance
RepentanceRepentance or be expelled
Difference
Mutual agreement
Mutual agreement
Submiss
ion to
Past
or
Conflict Management Process
95
pages 21-24 95
The Pool of Shared Meaning
Proverbs 11:14
96
Casting Blame
Genesis 3:11-13
page 29
97
Emotions Influence
98
Sharing Risky Meaning
Speaking
Love / R
esp
ect
99
1.
Incr
easi
ng
deg
rees
of
involv
em
ent
+ Commitment / - Efficiency
- Commitment / + Efficiency
2.
3.
4.
Role of the Leader