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The Fix WEEKLY

FEATURING… • Game of the Week • Power Rankings • Dave’s Top Ten

WEEK

WEEK

12 GAME OF THE WEEK

TEBOWS TITTIES VS. BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Tebow’s Titties, led by owner Trevor Hamaguchi, has a chance to knock Bryan Tyrer’s Believe It or Nots out of the Steveston-McRoberts playoff picture this weekend. With twelve teams still in the playoff hunt, anything can happen in these final two weeks. The Titties go into this week starting Josh McCown and Scott Tolzien at QB, both of who have been surprisingly not terrible filling in for their team’s franchisee starters. Guch will be hurt by the Eagles bye, which will force him to sit two of his top wide outs, DeSean Jackson and Riley Cooper. However, their absence is helped by the outstanding Calvin Johnson, who will surely be a lead candidate for MVP if this team can steal a playoff spot. After being Percy Whipped last week, look for this team to come out with a vengeance against the Nots. Despite having the fewest points in league history through 11 games, the Believe It Or Nots still sit atop the

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Game of the Week PAGE 1

Power Rankings PAGE 2

Dave’s Top Ten PAGE 4

CREATED BY DAVE CLARKE

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standings in the McRoberts division. Tyrer will need big production out of Bob the third and the Niners D to make up for the pathetic Rishard Matthews and Brian Leonard. The Nots enter this matchup coming off of four straight losses and are in a prime position to have their coffin nailed. Look for the Titties to pull this one out and further complicate the London Ladies division standings. I’m taking the under (227.9) and the Titties to cover the spread (-34.7) in a massacre over Believe It or Not (whom I obviously don’t believe in).

5. Da Bears (6-5)

4. Tebow’s Titties (5-6)

3. The Brown Brothers (6-5)

2. Lacy’s Out (8-3)

1. Broken Collar Bone (7-4)

POWER RANKINGS

The Collar Bones are the hottest team in the league right now, posting almost 400 points in their last three weeks. Russell Wilson and Ryan Tannehill have emerged as the best QB duo in the nation. And, obviously, James Timothy Graham is a beast, just ask the upright in Atlanta he posterized last night. Next matchup: Cam You Dig It (5-6)

The Harold-led squad has the best record in the nation despite being saddled with the ineffective Ray Rice (I won that trade). Eddie Lacy and Bobby Rainey are two of the hottest young backs in the league and should rank in the top 15 from here on out. Look for them to dominate the struggling Tate Crimes this week. Next week: Tate Crimes (5-6)

Praise Breesus! This team is looking hotter than ever going into the final two weeks of the regular season. Rashad Jennings looks like the real deal filling in for the injured Darren McFadden in Oakland. Supported by a stud receiving corps including Victor Cruz, V Jax, and Josh Gordon, look for this team to make some noise in the playoffs. Next week: Da Bears (6-5)

Despite their losing record, this is one of the hottest teams in the league. The Bears have a great schedule the rest of the way, which should help this team out, whether they start Cutler or his sexy replacement Josh McCown. Owning 81 doesn’t hurt either. I’ll be rooting for this team to mix it up in the playoffs. Next week: Believe It or Not (6-5)

This team is proof that Tom Brady can make any fantasy owner a winner. He’s supported by a very solid RB combo of All-Day-Hopefully-He’s-OK Peterson and Knowshizzle tha Rizzle. A tough matchup this week will show if this team is a real title competitor or just a group of your average Jared Davis choke artists. Next week: The Brown Brothers (6-5)

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11. Team forch (3-8)

10. Cam You Dig It (5-6)

9. Tate Crimes Let’s face the facts: this team’s receivers are old and shitty. There is not nearly enough depth on this squad. Owner Mitch Smith is away at Dal partying with dimes and cuddling with Clarice; much too busy to put in the time needed to battle in this- the most competitive of fantasy leagues. On the bright side, a little birdie told me he got an A- on his history exam, which I’ll take credit for since I taught him everything he knows about bullshitting in essay form. Look for the Lacy’s to dismantle them this weekend. Next week: Lacy’s Out (8-3)

After Cam Newton and Zac Stacy, there isn’t much to look at on this squad. Even if Reggie Bush and Big Ben can keep up their production, this team must still rely on an atrocious receiving corps. If this squad somehow sneaks in to the playoffs, this expert has them departing in round one. Next week: Broken Collar Bone (7-4)

It looks like it will be too little too late for this squad with only two weeks remaining in the regular season. On the bright side, they can hold on to Nick Foles for free next year. Look for Jordy to have another savant-like performance at next year’s draft. Next week: Gavinderjeep Daliwal (5-6)

8. Danny’s Screamers (6-5)

7. Percy Whipped (6-5)

6. Siem Reap Show Stoppers (7-4) Champion Campion is showing a solid squad, top to bottom. The Show Stoppers are facing a tough matchup this week against the fiery Percy Whippers. Look for Frank Gore and Matt Forte to step it up on this team’s road to the playoffs. Next week: Percy Whipped (6-5)

There is no doubt I’ll be hearing about how this team got hosed in these rankings from their fiery owner Connor “Oil” Fuller this weekend. However, this team has some issues that can’t be ignored. Matt Stafford is a mere byproduct of 81 being a beast. Wes Welker is one concussion away from a slew of degenerative brain issues. And, finally, Alfred Morris is a prime candidate to break his leg, after being acquired by Flair in the Steveston FFL. Look for this team to choke come playoff time. Next week: Siem Reap Show Stoppers (7-4)

Pey-Pey is good at football things. On the other side of the ball though, this team is aging badly and will probably break down before season’s end. Case Keenum gets to play the Jags twice but it won’t be enough to turn this squad into title contenders. Next week: Flaming Gingers (2-9)

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10. Flaming Gingers (2-9)

9. Believe It or Not (6-5) If God exists, this team won’t make it to the playoffs. Despite posting the least points for in the entire league, this squad finds itself tied atop the McRoberts division with 6 wins. Although, after 4 straight losses, it is beginning to show that this team has some Tyrer in them. The owner is threatening to quit the league because he can’t wrap his head around this “whole auction draft thing”. Good. We don’t want you. Make like ya boy Reggie Wayne and limp the hell out of here. Next week: Tebows Titties (5-6)

Not much to say here. The owner is dejected, the fans are up in arms and this team can’t seem to get a break. At least they have Luck for next year. Next week: Danny’s Screamers (6-5)

12. Gavinderjeep Daliwal (5-6) Bad Sign #1: This team is currently stating EJ Manuel and Bengals D/ST, both are on byes. Bad Sign #2: Their bench looks like a hospital. Bad Sign #3: They are starting Stephen Hill, Nate Washington and Rueben Randle at receiver this week. Things couldn’t be worse for the Daliwals, which is why they are ranked at 12, despite being 5-6. Next week: Team Forch (3-8)

DAVE’S TOP TEN

This week's Top Ten is probably the most anticipated to date. What do you get when you mix a dollop of love, a teaspoon of friendship and just a sprinkling of homoeroticism? The answer: Bromance. Though it seems like a relatively modern concept, the art of bromance has been around since the beginning of human civilization. Ancient Rome is known as the greatest empire of all-time, inspiring the world with some of the first dope art, music and literature. It also featured the greatest bro-date ever: Gladiator Showdowns. What better way to spend time with your significant brother than drinking a pint of vino and watching worthless humans, battling it out to show who has what it takes to continue living their miserable existence.

In Medieval times, Knights would journey for months and take turns jousting each other, drinking burr and raping village maidens: straight bro-ing out. Like a tour of rock stars, they blazed a trail, leaving nothing but terror and distraught in their wake, and bonding over how prestigious they were.

Nowadays, the art of bromance isn’t quite as epic. Texting and tweeting have brought bros closer together, but, at the same time, clingy girlfriends and concerned parents have been determined to break up couples that seem a little too close.

We can’t let them stand in our way! We shall overcome, nay, brovercome the obstacles distancing us from our male partners. Society wants to tell us that it’s not normal for guys to be Eskimo brothers, or take each other out on movie dates or welcome each other at parties with a kiss on the cheek. I say screw society! There’s nothing wrong with a bunch of guys huddled together in a man cave sporting nothing more than pajamas, watching physical specimens penetrate each other’s defenses until they thrust their balls into the back of the end zone.

Grab a beer, a foot long sausage and the only person who means more than you than your main bitch and wait for your name to be called in Dave’s Top Ten Bromances…

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10. Dave and Zorast One is a slightly-hipster douchebag who judges everyone on their taste in music, TV, and movies. The other is a slightly nicer, funnier, whiter version of that, named Zorast. These two first became bros at a movie outing planned by a mutual friend Connor “Oil” Fuller. It was love at first sight. After high school, Dave tracked his prey, texting “Zo” relentlessly until he preferred Diesel over regular Oil (clever, right?). From then on, the two have been inseparable, despite the fact that Zorast is a grown up with a real job and Dave is still stuck in school pursuing a useless history degree. They spend most of the time working parties: Dave over at the DJ booth and Zorast in the middle of the action, charming ladies with his mustache. Look for the two of them snuggling up on a couch watching a movie you’ve never heard of or holding hands at a King Krule concert. We’re better than you.

9. Freddy and Jon It is no surprise that these two graduated from London as “best mates”. They both love baseball, they both have gone through country phases and, most importantly, they can both dominate a twelve pack of Cariboo. Keep your eye out for these two spending time together, holding hands and clanking drinks wherever they go. Most of the time, this happens at Freddy’s apartment as they complain about his roommate. Sometimes, it takes place the Pint, as they complain about the music. I hope pray these two find themselves on the kiss cam at Safeco field and get to show their love on the big screen.

DAVE’S TOP TEN: BROMANCES

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8. Parker and Dave This is, by far, the most intense and fiery coupling of them all. Their time together is a wave of passion. In the span of a single night, they can share an extended hug, a kiss on the cheek and a subtle butt squeeze. Their connection is evident to everyone in the room as they serenade each other with Next’s classic tune, Too Close (which is about a boner if you weren’t aware). But, as with all passionate relationships, ecstatic highs are coupled with excruciatingly painful lows. Parker pushes Dave away to make room on his shoulder for Eli. Dave yells at Parker for being ashamed of their love. They both sass each other, believing they’ll get some kind of gratification out of seeing the other in a state of sorrow. But they don’t. They just feel empty and alone. And, gradually, as emotional wounds heal, they find each other sharing the loveseat again, reminiscing on days gone by, on the journey to the next phase of their everlasting bromance.

7. Bryan and Connor Once upon a time, in Richmond’s own Hugh McRoberts Secondary, the slightly feminine social butterfly Bryan Tyrer befriended the acne-riddled nerdy introvert, Connor Fuller. From there, a seed was planted, a seed that would eventually blossom into the full-grown flower we see before us. Con and Bry are inseparable: on the rugby pitch as Strikers and T-Birds, on the dance floor as ladies men, on the social pyramid as top dogs. The two share more than rugby kits and student cards; they also happen to share the same taste in women. Without delving any further, I’d like to personally congratulate them on their hat trick and wish them the best of luck in the future.

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6. Gavin and Harold Honestly, I’m pretty new to this particular bromance, but after spending a few lovely evenings with these gentlemen, I know the force is strong between them. I imagine their bromance started in the halls of London High, exchanging notes for math class and planning their 7-figure futures. This bromance’s natural setting takes place on Harold’s couch. The two are in what looks like a heated debate: one explaining his point in a condescending tone before being interrupted by the other, whose take is even louder and more wordy. The beauty of it all, though, is that the argument is not an argument at all, they agree with each other. While most couples treat debates like a knife fight, these two simply treat it as a sport, and when it’s all over, they emerge with a firm grasp on their shared opinion. I present, Gavin and Harold.

5. Mitch and Pearce When young Mitchell Smith transferred to Vancouver College, he was sure of what he was getting into: a testosterone-driven hellhole, in which teachers act like teenagers and teenagers act like chimps. It was in this wild, dog-eat-dog jungle that Mitch found something he never expected: a best bro. The quiet, understated but devilishly good-looking Pearce was the yin to Mitch’s yang. They both played hockey, hated school and smashed dimes. Nowadays, even though they live on opposite sides of the country, they make their bromance work. And in the summer, they become reunited again, picking up just where they left off: sitting on Sam’s couch, watching an episode of brother, sharing a tin of evergreen. Stay strong, you two, Christmas is right around the corner.

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4. Josh and Jon I’m going to take credit with setting this bromance up. It was the eve of the anniversary of my date of birth and the fellowship was enjoying crisp ale at O’Hare’s. Trotty had just completed a 12-hour shift of 6-tabling; Jonny had just finished his final presentation for his Communications degree. The two got to talking. From afar it looked like a normal conversation about Texas hold ‘em, but it was so much more. When we all settled our bills and prepared to leave, I was approached by Warner, who apologized for ignoring me on my day of celebration, but explained that my friend Josh didn’t know shit about poker. Josh, on the ride home, had a similar statement about Warner, something about him being a fish, or perhaps even a donkey. Somehow, though, the two ended up taking on the world: from the River Rock to the neon lights of Las Vegas and the star-filled land of LA. I wish this bromance the best of fortunes in the future.

3. Josh and Parker There is one man that captures Trotty’s heart more than Warner, that man is Parker Christian Forch. I’m not sure if this bromance has a start date, or if they just came out of the womb playing each other one-on-one. Probably the two most competitive people I know, Obie and Pz, routinely go to battle on any field, court or street in season. On the badminton court, they are Federer and Nadal, but in real life, they are Stockton and Malone: when they team up, they are dynamite. On the basketball court, I ordinarily find myself as the Steve Kerr to their Jordan/Pippen duo, standing in the corner, watching them go to work. In the boardroom, they are Zuckerberg and Justin Timberlake guy, on the final stages of the next version of Trees for Charity. One day they’ll be grown up, chilling at a BBQ, Parker (Vin Diesel) sipping his corona in a ridiculous fashion and Josh (Paul Walker) reminiscing on the good ‘ole days…. I’ll be Ludacris.

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2. Bryan and Ryan By far the slimiest of any bromance listed, I don’t even want to guess how brotherly these two Eskimos are. Their relationship has stood the test of time, overcoming multiple obstacles (mostly petty fights over women). I think we’ve seen the last of the squabbles though, as these two stand closer than ever. Whether it’s on the rugby pitch or standing by the circle bar, these two assert their unsportsmanlike conduct all over our asses. In this relationship, filters are over-rated and limits are simply challenges. I guess it’s true, all snakes slither together. But honestly, they both bring immense joy and excitement to my life and I hope their bromance continues forever.

1. Jared and Craig Was there any doubt about who would take the top spot? Not in my mind. These two fellas were made for each other. Founding members of the boyfriend club, both men are obviously keepers, as shown by their long-lasting relationship. Yes, that’s relationship, singular. Sure, they don’t get wild as much as they used to, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Their relationship has matured to quiet nights of South Park and pizza. Craig making funnies and Jared doing god knows what in the corner on his laptop. Like an old married couple, they carpool to hockey, go on double dates and finish each other’s sentences. By far the cutest, and by my calculations, the strongest, I present: Jared and Craig.