THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PLANK (Worlds greatest little Mag)(Keeping the Flame Burning)

President Tony Ellis,Ohio,USA ……Secretary MISS HL YVONNE (UK)

April 2019 edition..This mag is FREE. However, we'd like you to know that we receive even small donations with quite some enthusiasm. Cheques can be made payable to "The House Of Plank" and

sent to 1 Swireford Rd, Helsby, Frodsham,Cheshire WA6 9BA or PayPal donations can be made to :- info@bluegrassseeds.co.uk

Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

Henry's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together. When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. Henry looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" "Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus. "Ma's gonna be mad", said Henry, "The pot's on this side."

Our Vicar, the Reverend Thomas Lewis, told our congregation, 'Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark, chapter 17.' The following Sunday, as Thomas prepared to deliver his sermon; he asked for a show of hands, he wanted to know how many people had read Mark 17. Almost every hand went up. Thomas smiled and said, 'Mark only has 16 chapters. I will know proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.'

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an Elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The Old Woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' the old woman asked. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.'

How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss?

Two dogs pass a parking meter. One says to the other, "How do you like that, a pay toilet!"

Ryanair voted the worst airline for the sixth year in a row. You had to pay to vote.

A4 paper ALWAYS needed...!!! for the THE HOUSE OF PLANK. Just call in and plonk it in the office!! .. c/o Unit 5, Castle Park Arts Centre, FRodsham ,., AND A BIG THANKS TO THOSE FOLKS THAT DID GIVE ME SOME A4 paper last month!! IT is much appreciated. .. JP

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday and I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office.”

For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away. “What is your planet like?” groaned the extra-terrestrial. “It is 12,756 Kilometres in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun and has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist. “Do you get along with the women on your planet?” the extra-terrestrial asked slowly. Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists nearby, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.” The extra-terrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”

Putting the milk away this morning, I noticed a gone-off smell so I left a note for my wife, "Please clean out the fridge." I wish I hadn't now. There's nothing left for supper, and she's laying on the sofa like a python that's swallowed a goat.

Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar. Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word. Hoss said to the telegram man, "OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'." Why do you want to tell her that?” asked the telegram man. "Oh, she's not the best reader," Hoss said. "She'll read it really slowly". (Com-for-ta-ble, get it?)

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs;was arrested several times for public nudity I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.” Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late.

A BIG THANKS TO Anthony McEntyre for the Cheque!!! YOU ARE A STAR!! Cheers

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What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

If Ryanair retain the most unpopular Airline trophy again next year, they will break the record set in 1945 by the Luftwaffe.

Escape to the Country was good today. A couple sold their bedsit in London and bought Wales with enough change left to buy the Isle of Man.

Rockytop have announced. There will be a Jam session the 3rd Friday 8pm every mth in 2019 held at The Red Lion, Lower Dyserth, Denbighshire. LL18 6ET … Regular Special Guest spots are promised. Please come along and support this event and help it to get on the map. Contact Rockytopbluegrass@outlook.com for guest spots. We look forward to seeing everybody there. JohnnyB & Sue

Mike Gough ... the Banjo Players Friend .... Mike recently did a set up job on an “El-Cheapo” Banjo …the banjo was obviously not the best because of the price paid for it!! But magical Mike transformed that banjo into a much improved instrument that played well and the customer was over the moon!! And happy as well!! Also Mike can now offer to install “ Banjo Railroad Spikes” into your beloved Banjos. The spikes should be put in a certain place and correctly done . Mike knows exactly how to do it and his workmanship is second to none on Banjos/Guitars etc A great guy!! . He resides here in UNIT4, Castle Park Arts Centre, Frodsham , WA6 6SE Or look him up on the web :- www.mg-guitars.co.uk

5 String Banjo tuition (3 finger Bluegrass & Frailing) /Guitar /Mandolin/Fiddle/Ukulele/Keyboard… Beginners welcome. First lesson is free !! . Contact Bryn Williams :- Bluegrass Seeds c/o Unit 5, Castle Park Arts Centre ,Frodsham WA6 6SE .. (free parking) .. Tel 01928-735817 . email :- info@bluegrassseeds.co.uk

PLEASE NOTE!! EVERY THURSDAY @ Helsby Community Sports Club . Situated on the ex-BICC site on Chester Rd,  opposite the Shell Garage -  just past Tesco on the way to the M56 . Bluegrass Jam Night with Banjo Kevin & Friends … Its Free !! Bring your instrument .. Beginners welcome . Join in the fun!! ..Starts at 8:30

Bluegrass/Country/Folk/Acoustic MUSIC Night @ Owley Wood Club, Barrymore Road (Off Wallerscote Road), Weaverham, Nr Northwich. CW8 3LS. 8:30 Start. Prompt !! We have a room for use and there is no charge for attending. Every SECOND Wed in the Month. April 10th . All abilities welcome. . Contact is :- Email dave.man@talktalk.net

At a local bar in Tamworth, the owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing £1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money. Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, horsemen, football players, etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a meek voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it ….. then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. The Crowd's laughter turned to total silence .... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his £1,000, and then asked little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little fellow quietly replied: "No, I work for the Tax Office".

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and often for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping!!!!!!!!!!

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?" The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

Knock, knock...Who's there?Figs.Figs who?Figs your doorbell!

I said to a pensioner on the bus yesterday, "You shouldn't be standing at your age, have my seat." "That's very kind of you," she replied, "but I don't know how to drive a bus."

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside. One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.' The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love to Tell The Story.' The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.' When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus.'

During a conference call between ministers, chaired by Transport Secretary Chris Grayling, it was agreed the 67 drone sightings at Gatwick were legitimate. However, after further questioning, the witness, a Miss Diane Abbott, admitted that it was a "possibility" there had never been a drone.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes.' 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, ... Do you understand all that? ' The little boy nodded 'yes' again. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass " is it?' The little boy shook his head 'NO.' 'GOOD,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.His wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

Sign of drinking problem. You shout, "I'm not as think you drunk I am."

I wanted to donate blood today, but they ask too many personal questions. Like, "Whose blood is it?" and "Where did you get it?"

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

COLEMANBALLS – PART 84 “They were too good to win the game tonight” (Martin Keown, BT Sport)“That’s up there in the sort of top 90 percent of flavours in my life” (Jamie Oliver, Channel 4)“Nick Simper survived the 1966 car crash that killed him” (Marc Riley, BBC6 Music)“It doesn’t matter how big you’re your tackle is, you’ve got to be able to roll away” (Paul Grayson, Radio 5 Live)“We can have this debate until we are blue in the teeth” (Chris Boden, BBC Radio Lincolnshire)“Gomez and Van Dijk, They’re three of the top five” (Rio Ferdinand, BT Sport)“He’s moving a bit sheepishly at the moment” (Paul Merson, Sky Sports)“Without my mum I probably wouldn’t be where I am today” (Ross Barkley, BBC1)”It’s not only football that’s milking the golden goose” (Caller, Radio 5 Live)“And down there, just out of picture, you can see Marcus Rashford” (Darren Fletcher, BT Sport)“Harry Kane put his body between himself and the ball” (Nigel Reo-Coker, Radio 5 Live)“You’re not even thirty yet; you’re turning thirty-one in a couple of months” (Chris Dennis, Radio 4)“Dundee, 2 – 0 down, just missed that chance to go level” (Paul Mitchell, BBC Scotland)“There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind. It’s either a red or a yellow” (Pat Nevin, Radio 5 Live)“He really needed to keep his eyes pierced on the ball” (Michael Vaughan, Radio 5 Live)“The fans have turned up in drones” (Boxing Pundit, Sky Sports)“They [Exeter] are going to need one more significant thrush” (Nick Mullins, Channel 5)“The umpire has got his ring piece out to check the shape of the ball” (David Lloyd, Sky Sports)“Richard Hadlee probably knows more about fast bowling than most people have forgotten” (Michael Atherton, TalkSport)“Inexplicable – that’s the only explanation” (Russel Arnold, Sky Sports)“As it was, he [Raul Jimenez] got stuck between his own legs” (Conor McNamara, BBC1)“Wood’s shot had gone straight down the goalkeeper’s throat, quite literally” (Andy Hinchcliffe, Sky Sports)“These are incredible forecasts from the Bank of England, Simon. How credible are they?” (Clive Myrie, BBC1)“There is now a 19-point gap between Liverpool and Manchester United. Actually, that’s not a gap, that’s a cavern” (Guy Mowbray, BBC2)“That’s the big cherry on the carrot that I would like to grab” (Schalk Brits, BBC2)

Courage. Being able to remain frightened longer than the others.

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes. Then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.

A Rastafarian has taken over my local corner shop. I went in yesterday and he leant over the counter and whispered, "Hey man, you wanna buy some shit?" I looked around to make sure no one else could hear. "Eh, sure, what have you got?" I asked. And he said, "The Daily Mail."

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?" "Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money

If you're on motorway and the women driving a car in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining it can only mean one thing. She will be changing lanes.

Apparently a Holy Man in India has survived 43 years without food or water. This was a record previously set by Ryanair passengers on a flight to Alicante.

Murphy says to Paddy: "What ya talkin’ to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

One of two British explorer ships that vanished in the Arctic more than 160 years ago, the fabled Franklin Arctic ship, has been found. Reports suggest that several documents were found on board ship including a copy of the Bruce Forsyth Book of Jokes and a school photograph of Cliff Richard

Did you hear about the man who called a spade a spade until he tripped over one?

CONSULTANTS COMMANDMENTSIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.He who hesitates is probably right.Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.No one is listening until you make a mistake.Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.Two wrongs are only the beginning.Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).

I don't mean to brag but I just finished a 14 day diet in 2 hours and 14 minutes.