THEWORDSINEVERSAID VOLUME 3

YOU

IT’S NOTGOODBYEIT’S SEE

LATER

WINSVOLU

ME3PART

1:

Rants

collecte

d during the

LATE

SPRIN

G & EARLY

SUMMER.

03 THE RANTS

PART

2:

Final re

marks, a

cknowledgements

and FU

TURE

PLANS.

18 END NOTES

he W

ords I Neve

r Said sta

rted as a

colleg

e

project in

November

2009. The following

rants are

good-byes and

were re

ceived

throug

h e-

mail, Faceb

ook mess

age or o

n the W

INS group

’s

wall in la

te M

ay and

June

2010.”

“T

THER

ANTS

04

The ex who’smoved on:

She was in MayGet me out.

Old polaroids, and I’m reminiscing on the burnt home I left,

Fuel tanks loaded and my old shoes: dead and eroded.

Every moment I look back, I take a step back from my progressive endeavors,

I try and I try to get over it,By day, I am complete and functional; the

setting of the sun breaks me down,Remember us?

Remember your imperfect smileRemember mine, remember looking into

my eyes and feeling my breathfeeling my heat echoing off yours?

Remember fading off, our surroundings diluted into the setting of your eyes,

Green and with glory, you entrenched every last emotion deep into my soul

Your delicate waist and long running legs, your soft upper lip canvased on your

perfect little head

It would be naive to say you completed me, but you brought me close.

Day after day, I woke up to smell your aroma and held it close to me

to want to let it linger through my mind and captured it for the moments spent away

My rough hands lined with mounds cov-ered by the imperfections of your soft, fragile hands

Creeping into, but never asking, never needing to

Just holding and cherishing the glee of you in my arms

I was never muscular yet you couldn’t care less.

Your long blond locks around me, you couldn’t leave a mess.That crook in your teeth,

and the color skipped a value or twobut you — yes you — were all I wanted,

all I needed, all I had

That picture, that one picture,

looking down at you, you are a marvel:

the way you’d pop your hip, the smile that you wore —

priceless in my mind. You were the gift I simply

accepted.Looking down at you, you are

a marvel.

Your porcelain shoulders I could lean on, your beautiful soft skin,

The way you’d run your fingers through my hair and linger upon every last curl

Hold my hand, pretty woman, I’ll take the back if you want.

You can take the front and guide us to wherever you want to run.

Just hold my hand, and please don’t let go.

The sweat is my emotion, my sweaty palms express

all the emotion I need to show.

The crisp autumn leaves crunching as we pass,

the days when it all was as simple as the sky

when we were two kids in love, two kids who wanted to pass the days together.

Together no more! We are not, I am not

yet you are ... you are happy, And for you, my lover of past, I am happy

I am happy that another man can feel what I have felt.

I want nothing more than to tear him to pieces and scavenge

what’s left of that emotionfor he doesn’t deserve it,

but what have I done to

earn it?The good get the best, and the vermin salvage

scraps.You have the heart of a lion, woman, you deserve the best,

and I’m far from it.

A moment with you will be like a million with her.

It will never be the same.First love, I will cherish the polaroids

you posted in my soul.The sunlight will bleed through the win-dows and eventually rot them to pieces,but for you, I’ll shut out the sun so that

I can remember,

rememberus.

remember,

05“So yes, everyday I still think of you.

We’ll never be friends like we were.I still kinda like you,

but I’ll eventually forget.

Hopefully.”

Before I say goodbye for good, I want to say that I’ve enjoyed every moment I spent with you over the past few weeks (at least the times we spent together in person). Ever since I first met you, I’ve liked you. I loved the way you made me laugh, the crazy accents you always did, how you always tried to talk to me even though I didn’t give you much reason to want to. Despite all those reasons to want to be close to you, I kept my distance.

You’ve asked me so many times why I kept that distance, and I never told you the real reason. Well, liking you scared the shit out of me. You were crazy, outgoing, funny and open, and so was your ex-girlfriend. I thought to myself: Why would he like me? I’m nothing like her. So I always smiled and laughed at your jokes but nothing more. In the time between since we stopped working together and when we started talking, I didn’t think about you much. There was the occasional dream or contemplation of what could’ve happened if we’d dated, but I always figured it would never happen and was better off not happening anyway. Then, out of the blue, you come along and start dishing out beautiful nonsense about having a crush on me and wanting to hang out and wanting something more than friendship. The smart part of me said that I’d seen this before, and to keep my heart out of it; the dumb part said that I needed to know what would happen if we tried to date. So, I fell for your tricks; I went against what everything my logical mind told me and started hanging out with you. You really had me going with the sweet song lyrics, how you got a web cam just so we could talk every night, and how you always were the first one to say good morning ...

But, of course, that all changed when you decided to come visit. I felt amazing while I was with you. I got that butterfly feeling every time we kissed, and I felt comfortable every time we talked or every time we didn’t. When you left, I could tell something was off; you weren’t as talkative, and you didn’t act as happy as usual. I immediately — and rightly — assumed you were changing your mind. I felt horrible about it; you were doing the exact same thing that last guy I truly liked did: getting what you wanted and then walking right back out of my life. Of course, you enforced my assumption when you barely texted me at all the next couple of days. So, naturally, I accepted defeat and told myself you’d changed your mind, and it was over.

But wait, when I brought it up to you, you told me I was wrong. Long story short, your behavior still didn’t convince me you hadn’t changed your mind, and when I asked you again if you just wanted to be friends, you said you didn’t know but you still wanted to keep talking, and you didn’t want to be distant. Well, you continued to be distant and then you have the gall to tell me you’re talking to someone else, and you wanted to be honest with me, but you still wanted to stay friends. Hmm. How is that fair? Refusing to take an out when I gave you two and then telling me you’re talking to someone else?

I’ll admit, a lot of the hurt I’ve been feeling about you is my own fault: I knew from the beginning what you were like, but I went for it anyway. But you know what? It wasn’t all my fault. I told you why I didn’t trust you; I told you I didn’t want to be a rebound; I told you I had a history with untrustworthy guys. Yet, you still insisted on being forward and making promises you couldn’t keep. I don’t respect you one bit for that. And I don’t respect you for wanting to still be friends — we never were friends before, and we won’t be friends now.

I don’t know why you felt the need to pick me up just to watch me fall, but I hope you’re happy. If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t have rushed into anything like that. And don’t bother saying it’s because of the distance: you knew about that from the beginning. The basic gist of what I’m saying is that I basically had you pegged from the moment I met you. I was smart to avoid you all that time we worked together, and

I was dumb to believe all the bullshit you told me about wanting a relationship. All I can say is I hope you find someone who is as obnoxious as you are — someone like your ex, maybe. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you ... not really, though.

To another boy:

06

To the teachers, students

and parents who doubted

me in my HCPSS education:

Fuck you all. I can’t wait to be suc-

cessful and prove you wrong in 20

years. I’m looking forward to this

reunion more than you’ll ever know.

07“I just want to make you happy. I’ve tried so hard, but I can’t do anything right. Why can’t you just be happy for me? I thought we were so

much more, but my other friends — my real friends — have helped me realize that friend-ship shouldn’t be that much work or make me cry so much. Friends don’t make you cry; they help you when you are crying over something else. They don’t cause those tears.

I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me, tell me why you’re upset, but you just closed off with those snide comments and just making me feel horrible. And then the talking to other people ... that’s killing me. I don’t want other people thinking I’m a bitch for things

I never did, but now they do. So thank you.

Thanks for telling all sorts of shit and lies behind my back. Thanks for throwing every attempt I made right back in my face without explanation. I hope the two of you are happy. You say I hurt you. I don’t know how, and I wanted to stop and make things right, but you would rather me suffer. You would rather get all sorts of attention over

this unnecessary drama. Well, congratulations. You’ve gotten that. I have suffered, and you’ve gotten your attention. But now, it really is goodbye ‘cause I’m done. You aren’t a friend. If you were, you would have acted completely differently and TALKED to me.

So bye. I hope you enjoy each other’s company, but in the future,

you won’t be enjoying mine.”

To the ECE girls: Some of you have infuriated me,

pissed me off and totally screwed me over. But to my two girls, my ECE coun-terparts of Team Awesome: I love

you both so much, and I need you both dearly. Can I trust we’ll stay

friends after we graduated? Absolutely. After all, we have Glee nights! Love you girls! <3

08

To him:I was foolish to think that it would ever work out from the beginning. Not be-ing alone was my only incentive for staying. It was selfish. I could scream “I’m sorry” a thousand times all the way to Iowa, but I’m sure you would just turn your back. But I’m not mad. Things turned out okay. I’m happy. I hope you are too. These random thoughts pop into my head about you constantly. With this, I’m cast-ing you away. You were amazing.

Goodbye.

“You changed my life ... for good or bad, I’m not really sure. You made me feel so spe-cial, like I was the only girl on the Earth for you. We had so many memorable times, and I thought you were perfect for me. I will never forget how many times you made me laugh. So many people came up to me and told me that we should go out because we were simply perfect for each other. And I secretly agreed. Then we went on spring break together with some of our friends. That was possibly the best four days of my life. We bonded so much, and there really was a connection. We both felt it; you can’t deny it. But now I really don’t know what to think. You were going out with some girl that whole time. And you barely know her, but I see right through it. You treat your girlfriend like crap in the halls and don’t even talk to her. So do I want you to ever treat me like that? Nope. Bye. Have a nice

life. At least it was fun while it lasted.”

“We became close

because you helped lighten the load on

my shoulders. But when you left, all that remained completely disappeared. You may think you are still everything to me,

but you’re really nothing. I didn’t realize

it until now, but you going away was the best thing for me — and now I have the

added bonus of getting to laugh at your new life from afar.” :)

“When I was five years old, my father died in a plane crash. I miss him more than a girl who doesn’t really remem-ber him should. All I have are some scat-tered memories that I’m afraid to ask my mum about in case I made them up. A few home videos, some pictures and a box of things he gave me and some things from his childhood ... Daddy, although I don’t remember you, I’m still your baby girl, and I’ll meet you again someday, I promise.”

09place in slightly over two months.

I’m horrible with goodbyes. The most I manage is a half-hearted ‘See you’ and a wave, half of the time. But I suddenly miss so many things just thinking about leaving, and I suddenly miss you even

though I really shouldn’t. It’s illogical, really because I should be missing my ex more than I do you. But somehow I miss you anyway. You don’t know this — or maybe you do, maybe you came close enough to guessing once. But I liked you for a couple of years: a very real, serious sort of like. I don’t dare to call it love. I thought I’d moved on when I met my ex. But after we broke up, the one person I found myself pouring my whole heart out to was you. You got the full version, and I don’t often trust people enough to reveal so much about myself. But it was you.

You hurt me really badly though, those two years. You had this other girl whom I’d never met but always heard about, which was why I didn’t dare to tell you — or anyone — how I really felt about you. Your carelessness, your lack of tact ... sometimes I got really angry with myself because I tried so hard to move on, but I kept getting caught in the same cycle. And the more I tried to forget you, the more I remembered the things about you which drew me in.

But ultimately I still miss you. I miss your seriousness, the way you drawl lazily, your sensitivity. I love your sense of humour, your laugh, those random outbursts of singing. I love your voice. I miss the security I feel when I’m next to you. The snatches of time when we were together, just the both of us ... you made me feel safe and uncontrollably happy. I miss the way you can read me. When we talk, there’s this click, like a switch flipping on. You get me, and I get you the way so many people don’t. It’s funny how you were so observant but so blind when it came to noticing me because I once thought I was perfect for you: your complement, as you were mine. We were so different, but we fit, and I felt it. Everyone saw it, but you refused to see.

But you’re in camp now, and we haven’t talked in a while. I wish we would. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I leave — if our connection is going to fade, if you will fade for me, if I will disappear from your life. I’m scared of it because you’re unbelievably precious to me. You inspired me, you know. You changed me and made me stronger — a better person. I’m so grateful to you.

I keep hoping that someday, I’ll meet someone just like you only better: someone who loves me back. But for now, I have the feeling that I’ll be watching the plane take off with your face in my mind.

But for now, the only thing I want to tell you is I love you. -C

To X: I’m leaving ... for another country, another

“Even though I never knew you, sometimes I still

cry for you. You died before I could even say hello, and now my

heart aches at the knowledge that I will never know you. My

Nani, My grandmother: my heart holds so much love for this

person I know only through stories. I tear because I can only

know what this person looks like if I look in a mirror. I will

never know her gentle grandmother’s touch or her stern

words if I did something stupid. She will never teach

me how to cook family recipes, or be there for me to

talk to. I will never spend summers with her ... I will

never know. I love you, Nani. May God keep you

close.”

10

“Your awkward smile and cheesy expressionnever left me.

Braces, a wry little forced grin,it haunts me.

Silences too manyand when we held hands in the hallso unwarranted but middle school formulaic,I still feel the sweat and the timid squeeze

The strange emotions caged inThe brain and the jockThe sweetheart and the goofSo cute in theory but in execution nothingbut the thread of an idea and image holding us together

We were never right,but we tried for a while.Someone once said they saw us getting married years down the road.It was the first date, and I should’ve known when I got the chills and was completely and thoroughly disgusted at that thought,and you looked at me with puppy dog eyes ...It was never going to work.

But we really did try to make it a moviewritten by two kids who didn’t know what was what.Five months of an awkward sitcom: a girl and a boywho didn’t know how to really feel, just how

to play a part.”

“No one has ever treated me the way

you have. There is something behind it, some

deep resentment. If you were honest with both me

and yourself, we would both be able to forgive

and forget. If you would rather be closed off and

miserable, that decision is your own. Though I

thought we were supposed to be friends, I guess

that means nothing to you. If so it shall be, I say

goodbye to my respect for you. And I say good-bye to our friendship. Goodbye.”

11“Before I started talking to you, I thought you were one of the most annoying people I knew. I’ll admit, I thought every single thing you ever said was pretty dumb even once I did start liking you. I put that aside for a little while because I was just so desperate to have a relationship, and my friends said you liked me. But for some reason, I eventually came to my senses and saw you for what you were: an ignorant, obnoxious idiot who thinks he’s something special. The way I treated you after that was wrong and bitchy, I won’t deny that. But you can’t get mad at me after what you did to me on that night when I had finally begun to feel a little happy again. You humiliated me, and you hurt one of my best friends for no reason other than that you are a stupid little baby. Before that night, I felt so bad about what I was doing to you but not after that. I think you ruined any chance then of me ever falling un-der your spell again. Hopefully, it’s only a matter of time until my friends realize all of this as well, and we can go back to being happy without all of the awkwardness you are now causing. This whole experience has turned me into an entirely new person, one who, though might not be happier, is certainly more mature and has realized what the impor-tant things in life are. So I’m going to thank you for ruining that one night because I think you might have just turned my entire life

a round with your mistake.”

To ev

eryon

e aroun

d m

e: leave me alone ... if you don’t have

nothing good to say to me, shut the fuck up! I’m

not a priest and can only take this m

uch! Please, please please: shut the fuck up!

12

“It’s strange how some-thing can go from being so perfect to being a complete disaster. I still re-member the feeling; I’ll never forget it. I got the text and saw the words. Everything in the world stopped for the longest moment. No voic-es existed for that moment; nothing existed for that moment. I felt like I was spinning out of control and just falling. It was like my body and my head were separat-ing. And everything from then on was just ... nothing. It had then started to rain. I wanted to jump out of the car on that highway and just run. Within that moment everything ran through my head, our whole relationship flashed before me. The happiness I had built up came crashing down on me. All the promises you made slapped me in the face. A week before this, you said you cared about me and would prove it; you promised you wouldn’t hurt me anymore. Well, now I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, and my heart is aching.

When I was with you, I was — for the first time — at peace with myself and the world. When I was with you, I could deal with things because with-out even knowing about them, you managed to make them all better and showed me they didn’t matter. You truly brought out the best in me. I was the best I had ever been when I was with you. I remember all the little things you mentioned when we were talking and put them in the back of my mind, and all those little things about you were what made me fall for you. I remember so much of what you ever said to me because I liked you that much. And because of that, so many things remind me of you, and it hurts.

I just miss you so much. I miss us. I miss the way your hand would always somehow find mine and the way your hand felt in mine. I miss your lips on mine; I miss the way you would look at me; I miss the way you said goodnight to me. I miss your arm around me. I miss your voice, your laugh. I felt so safe with you, but now it’s all over. The last two weeks of school were horrible. Passing the spots where you would wait for me and where we would kiss goodbye were just ... miserable.

I was so used to turning the corner and seeing your face there waiting for me. You were there everyday for the past six months and suddenly, you’re just gone. I’m working on saying goodbye. I can’t hold onto you because I know it’s over, but I will tell you this:

I’ll remember you forever. You did something really jerky, but I know you, and I know you’re not a jerk. I’ve figured out the ending factor to your decision in breaking up with me, and it’s a real shame. We were something great, and you threw it away. But maybe I’ll find something better instead. You’ll always have a little piece of my heart, but I need to say goodbye to you and the memories.”

“Last week, my cat died. And I know that’s probably an insignificant death compared to another human family member. But Josie, my cat? She was 19, older than my brother and sister, and she’s been in my family for as long as I can remember. I’m only 21. She was crazy and losing her memory, and the type of cat who tried some way to kill herself at least once a year. And she managed to outlive all of our expectations. I suppose I should be glad she died surrounded by her family, but I wasn’t there! I will be home in two weeks, and it breaks my heart I never got to say goodbye or tell her I love her one last time. I wasn’t the one who held her on the way to the vet’s, who got to choose where to bury her yet she always acted like she was MY cat, not the family’s. I miss her, and I’m crying again, and I just wish I’d gotten to see her again.” :(

13“After we broke up, I know I told you I wouldn’t mind still having sex with you. And I know

every time we met up after that, we always hooked up. But I was just afraid it was the only thing left that would keep you talking to me. Not once did I con-

tact you because I wanted to use your body. Never. I never saw you for any reason except that I am in

love with you. You never needed me, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realize I can’t have you. I’m

growing up. Just know I always loved you, and I always will.”

14

Dear Mom,

You were my family, my sup-port team and my best friend. You helped me get through some of the hardest times of my life. I cannot even hear the word “cancer” without trembling. I watched you go from being perfectly healthy to severely ill in just two months. I watched as your hair fell out from the chemotherapy and the way your skin went from your normal pale to deep yel-low from liver failure, to black from your heart being unable to pump blood to your extremi-ties. I don’t even know if you were able to tell when I was in your hospital room or if you felt my hand in yours. Our last few months together still haunt me. I still get nightmares of the night you left me. I’m sorry that I never thanked you for everything you did to make my life better. I’m sorry that I wasn’t more help in the last mo-ments of your life with me. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you I loved you every day. I am the person I am today because of you. Happy Mother’s

Day, I’m sorry and I love you.

Goodbye, Mom

“I know now that if I were to change anything, it’d be to change the fact we’re not friends anymore. Every time I see you in the halls, I want to hug you, laugh with you, be best friends with you. I don’t know how to tell you this, but you were the best thing that happened to me. I should have been there for you instead of running away. I thought it would be for my benefit when in actuality, I died a little when I said goodbye. I didn’t wanna show it. I wanted to be strong. Every night I cried myself to sleep trying to tell myself that I made the right decision. I was wrong. I know you’re leaving this year, and I will probably never see you again. But I want you to know I will love you forever, and you will always carry a piece of me with you because the day I said good bye was the day you stole part of my heart.”

“You’re the only one who drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams/You’re the only one who knows exactly what I mean.”

Forever and always, Your ex-best friend

15To my “best guy friend,”

We were both so shy when we met each other, but that definitely grew into romantic feelings, sexual tension. I know you felt it too. But you chose her over me. I resented you for it for a long time, but my feelings never went away. Spending that week with

you — without her there — was amazing. Even if nothing happened physically between us, I felt guilty because she wasn’t there. But I also felt good, happy even. We pretend-ed the attraction wasn’t there but it was. There were a lot of ‘almosts’ too. Almost hold-ing hands, almost kissing, almost making out. But they never happened. I controlled my-self because I knew you wouldn’t. I didn’t want her to get hurt; she did nothing wrong. When you cheated on her though, it made me realize that I had wasted almost a year waiting for you. You aren’t worth my time; you never were. I felt awful for her, but the

fact that it could’ve been me experiencing that intense heartbreak never left my mind. I know now that you were only close to me to flirt. Once I started dating him and you re-alized the ‘harmless’ flirting would need to stop, you almost completely stopped talking to me. My relationship with him isn’t perfect — no relationship is — but I love him, and I

am happy now, happier than I’ve ever been. I’m glad I wasn’t that girl you cheated on her with. I’m glad things between us didn’t work out.

16

To my graduating class:You have driven me to the edge of insanity on a good day. On a bad day, I dream of letting

loose with a verbal and possible physical tirade that would lay waste to the educational facility I have been confined to with you. If not for the presence of the two people I can and willingly

tolerate, this year would have been so different.

I am glad we found each other. You are the best classmates, project partners, gossipers and friends a sarcastic cynic like me could ever ask for. I may even be able to produce a few hugs

at commencement. You’re welcome, by the way. These friendships best last beyond graduation,

or I will hunt you down — but out of love.

“Why aren’t you here for me? It’s the day before my graduation, and you still haven’t shown. You were there for their graduations. So, why are you not around for mine? You know, it doesn’t even bother me so much that you won’t be at my wedding to walk me down the aisle. It doesn’t bother me that you won’t be the best friend to my kids, your grandchildren. I don’t care that you won’t see me off to col-lege or help me pick out my first car. Those things don’t matter. We’ve been through so much in the past four years, and you aren’t even here to see me walk across the stage at Merriweath-er Post Pavilion. Did I really hurt you that badly? Are you so upset with me that you won’t even call? I just want to hear your voice one more time. One of the last things you said to me was “I’m so proud of you.” Why can’t I hear you say it again? I’m selfish, I know, but I need to hear your voice just once more. I need to feel the warmth of your love. I need to know that you’ll forgive me so that one day, I can forgive myself too. I love you, Daddy. Do you know that? I never meant to upset you or hurt you. I never wanted you to die even though those were the last words from my mouth. Please come back, Dad. I need you. Mom needs you. You mean so much to us. I love you, Daddy. Never forget that ...”

Your Baby Girl,JMT

Class of 2010

17“So, you’re going off to college next fall. You’ll be making all kinds of new friends, have great experiences. And I’ll still be here, stuck in the ‘Burg. You tell me to have faith in you; that between texting and Facebook, we’ll stay in touch. Except I don’t just want to ‘stay in touch’ ... you’re my best friend. We’ve been through things that should have torn us apart, but these obstacles only made us closer. I want to stay best friends while you go through this because I don’t know what I would do with-out you. I really don’t think you realize how much I value your friendship, and when I say I’m going to miss you all I want you to say is ‘I’m going to miss you too.’ But the fact that you don’t say these things and only dance around the subject make me doubt your staying in touch. I really want to have faith in you, I really do. It pains me to doubt you. But I’d rather be prepared for reality than keep living in a dream world — something I’ve picked up from

you. So hopefully, this really is only See You Later, and not Goodbye.”

ENDNOTES

uring

the M

ay to Ju

ne W

INS ra

nt collectio

n

period, ro

ughly

15-16 pages o

f rants

were

sent thro

ugh e

-mail and

Face

book. All ra

nts w

ere

edited for p

unctua

tion and

for ty

pos, but

origina

l

phrasin

g was p

reserved.”

“D

19“It’s been an interesting road for WINS since the project launched nearly a year ago. With three volumes, a blog and a Facebook group with over 500 members, the movement has grown and sustained itself in ways I never imagined last October. WINS Vol. 1 was featured on the home page of Scribd and has over10,000 reads and 2,000 downloads.

The last two volumes have generated 20 new pages of rants each.

Whether WINS Volume 3, however, marks the end for this project is up in the air.

Goodbyes are always painful and hard to say. Some people avoid them, others timidly get through them and some deliver them with bravado. This theme was chosen as a means to as-sist people as they say goodbye to the past. Be it graduation, transferring to a new school, breaking up with a significant other or losing someone, goodbyes are incorrigible parts of our daily lives. To say goodbye is to say thanks to someone or something for the memories that

they created. I owe that to all of you.

To everyone who submitted rants: thank you because this project is solely driven by you. To everyone who has read WINS: thank you because this project is for you. What I’ve learned through this process is anything is possible with support. While I have no immediate plans for WINS, should there be enough interest, I am always happy to do another volume. Keep rant-ing and I’ll find a way to provide the platform. After all, this may be goodbye for now, but the

words on these pages will last forever.”

Alyssa BaileyWINS Founder and Editor

wordsineversaid@gmail.com