the shield program ~ bully-proofing our kids helping kids take the mean out of the meaning they give...
TRANSCRIPT
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The Shield Program ~Bully-Proofing Our Kids
“Helping Kids Take the Mean Out of the Meaning They Give To Words”
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Okay, it goes without saying,
but we’ll start by saying it anyway.
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Bullying has become epidemic.
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And here’s just a few statistics
that might shock even you.
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An estimated 160,000 kids miss school every day out of fear of
bullying.
Some drop out of school altogether.
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90% of kids in between grades 4 and 8
report to being victims of bullying
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And 1 in every 4 teens are bullied every day
43% of them are cyber-bullied even out of school
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What’s worse . . .
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Suicide has become an all too familiar
tragedy as targeted kids become ever more desperate.
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It’s gotten so common, we actually have a name for it now ...
Bully-cide
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And Columbine was just the first of many wake up calls for what happens
whenthe victim decides to lash back.
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87% of students believe school shootings are motivated by a desire to “get back at those
who have hurt them.”
And keep in mind that the innocentget punished right
along with the ‘guilty’
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Kids are afraid to go to school ...
and when they do?
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They end coming home in tearsor worse every day
and still aren’t safe because
while at homethey’re being cyber-bullied.
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We worry about whether or not
our kids are being bullied
and aren’t telling us.
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We all want and need
a solution that works.
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And so we wondered ... why?
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In spite of all the anti-bully awareness in the media and
all the anti-bullying campaigns ...
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Does the problem just keep getting worse?
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We believe we have the answer to that question.
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In a moment, we’ll reveal the surprising answer ...
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But first ...
Consider this important idea
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People act in accordance with their beliefs ....
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even... if what they believe to be true isn’t.
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You may think you knowwhat causes bullying
and what we need to do inorder to make it stop.
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But most of what we thinkwe know about how to
stop bullyingis a myth . . .
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And, unfortunately, it’s actuallyencouraging the bullying problem
to grow bigger day by day.
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Because trying to control or stopsomeone else’s behavior is
a flawed idea.
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It only creates more of the problemas it sets us up to play the aggressor
(bully),allows the bully to play the victim,
and ultimately reinforces the causes of
“The Bully/Victim Relationship”
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We’re about to revealwhat we believe to be the real causesof bullying and explain why all those
well-meaning anti-bullyingcampaigns have very little effect
on stopping bullying.
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.
Later, we’ll tell you what wethink will work and why
But for now . . .
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Here Are The Two Hidden But Primary Causes
That Create The Bully/VictimRelationship
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Both are False Beliefs
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Belief #1
“The World’s Deadliest Belief”
The false belief that
“Other people, events and things are responsible for what I think, feel
and how I behave.”
~and~
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Belief # 2
The False Identity Level Belief
“What makes me good enough, important or
acceptable is what other people think of me.”
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The Deadly Presupposition Held Within These Beliefs
“In order for me to feel ‘okay’ I must control this, them or you.”
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The Bully/Victim RelationshipIs a Struggle to Gain Power OverThe Other In Order to “Be Okay”
“I need to exert power and control over you in order for me to be okay”
“You’re making me feel bad so I expect you to change in order for me to be
okay”
The Victim/Controlled
The Bully/Controller
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The Bully/Victim RelationshipIs a Struggle to Gain “Acceptance”
“You offend me, you must change, in order for me to accept you”
“I’m offensive to you, so I must change in order to be acceptable to you”
The Victim/Controlled – Feels Shame
The Bully/Controller – Uses Contempt
“I don’t feel good enough.”
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The 11 Reasons Why Anti-Bullying
Campaigns Have Limited Impact
Reason #1
Anti-bullying campaigns are designed around
the presuppositions of boththe “World’s Deadliest Belief and the
Self-Limiting Identity Belief.”
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They presuppose that the bully has the
power to make us upset and therefore must be controlled
in order for us to be okay.
~ and ~
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They often encourage the victim tominimize his or her contact with
the bully - in other words, minimize their offensiveness to the bully -
so that they will be less of a target.
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This approach can send anunintended, yet all the same subtle
message to the victim.
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That it is the victim whois the cause of the bully’s behavior.
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Advising the bully’s target to stay out of the bully’s way
only further victimizes the victim.
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By attempting to stop the bully and protect the victim, these kinds of
programs regrettably reinforce and validate the bully/victim relationship.
Reason #2
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They assign power to a bully’s words andassume a victim must be
protected from those words.*
*Physical violence must never be permitted
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Reason #3
In attempting to control or stop the bully, these types of programs inadvertently
set up a power struggle with the bully, who now perceives himself as the victim.
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The bully will often interpret any attempt to stop their behavior as themselves being
bullied because they perceive this effort
as an attempt by another to dominate them.
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And they will fight back (openly or by employing subterfuge) to maintain their position of power and control.
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The bully, who now feels cornered, becomes defensive and employs
a powerful justification or excuse.
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He pulls out the “he was annoying me” orthe “I was just kidding around”
card, taking the position that the victimis at fault and he himself is
now the victim who is being treatedunfairly and unjustly.
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Reason #4
Trying to get the bully to change by lecturing them about how their behavior is causing another to feel,
often fails because ...
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It requires them to meet someone else’s expectation of them
in order to be acceptable.
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Resistance is almost always inevitable because this puts them in a
win-lose position.
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We win, they lose
In order to comply, they have to willingly surrender or lose their autonomyto someone else’s expectation of them.
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Further, the appeal for empathy doesn’t work because:
The bully uses contempt to elevate themselves
above the target. That’s what makes them feel
powerful and ‘better than’ their victim.
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They would have to abandon this position and
elevate the target (thereby lowering themselves
in the process) in order to express empathy.
~ and ~
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With an audiencecheering them on,
getting the reaction from their target is FUN.
That’s one of the biggest reasons they bully to begin with.
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Reason #6
By attempting to protect and comfort the victim, we affirm (or make true)
their victim identity by inadvertently reinforcing the position
of the bully as the one who is in a positionto make others feel bad about themselves.
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Reason #7
Encouraging students to report incidences of bullying,
resulting in an intervention and punishment of the bully, inevitably
backfires.
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The bully can now claim for himself the role of the injured (he’s now a victim) and often retaliates, frequently engaging
an audience to follow along, basedon a commonly held social taboo.*
*kids hate a ‘tattletale.’
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This escalates the bully’s behavior as he now feels justified and supported
in punishing the victim for getting him in trouble.
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An added benefit of this for the bully is that:
He gets to distance himself from his own behavior by blaming the victim for his troubles.
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Reason #8
By placing too much emphasis on sympathy
and support, we may be putting a band-aid on
the victim’s feelings, but it unconsciously validates that the victim should feel badly
about what someone has said to them or about them.
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This further reinforces their alreadymistaken belief that the bully’s words actually have the power to hurt them.
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Reason #9
The carrot or the stick solutions generated from the outside,
by those whom kids view as authority figures,
are often perceived by themas just another way of
bribing or punishing them to meet some one else’s expectation
of them to be good.
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Research shows that this type ofextrinsic motivation has limited
effect on self-sustained* behavioral change.
*Because the kids are not intrinsically motivated to change.
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With an emphasis on creating, enactingand enforcing solutions
generated from the outside - rather than by the kids themselves –
anti-bullying programs:
Reason #10
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Frequently under-emphasize and fail to use
the things kids value most - acceptance and belonging – and lose a powerful
leverage that would motivate them to want to
change…
~and~
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They fail to identify and take advantage of possible bright spots* that already
exist.
*For instance, not all kids are victims. What are the non-victims doing
differently?
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Reason #11
By teaching kids to tolerate each other instead of encouraging Active
Acceptance, we emphasize their differences.
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Though entirely well-meaning, Embrace Diversity programs are designed to get
kids’ to appreciate and/or tolerate differences and fail
to capitalize on similarities.
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Eliminate the Problem by
Challenging and ChangingThe Core Beliefs that Fuel Bullying
What To Do Instead
Big Picture Change #1
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“We give meaning to events; we don’t take meaning from events and, therefore,
are capable of changing the meaning.
By changing the meaning, we change our experience.”
New Beliefs
#1 - The World’s Most Empowering and Liberating Belief
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The Empowering Presupposition
Held Within This Belief“I created the meaning I have given to an event (for example, someone’s
words aboutme). Therefore, I can change the
meaning.By changing the meaning, I change the
way I feel about the event.”
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# 2 - Self-Empowered Identity Level Belief
“What makes me good enough, important or
acceptable has nothing to do withwhat other people think of me.”
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The Empowering Presupposition
Held Within This Belief
“Other people don’t define meor make me acceptable
or for that matter ...anything else.”
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Enable students to be intrinsically motivated to treat each other with
dignity and respect by engaging with them through
Mindopoly’s Cooperative Engagement Model
Big Picture Change #2
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Mindopoly’s Cooperative Engagement Model
By Declaring a Common or Shared WantEach Person Becomes Cooperative In Creating It
For Themselves and Others
CommonWant
Acceptance
What I’ll doWhat I’ll do
What I’ll do
What I’ll doWhat I’ll do
What I’ll do
What I’ll do
Want
Want
Want
Want
Want
Want
Want
Want
Each saying, “Because I want this
here’s what I expect of myself”
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Personal Accountability in the Creation
of Common Values/Wants
Which Leads To
IntrinsicMotivation
Self-Empowerment
Self-Accountability
Fosters Change ByEngaging Personal:
Autonomy Mastery Purpose
Based on Edward L Deci’s
seminal research on what truly motivates
us
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The Shield Program’s Core Principles
Principle #1
Empower Our Kids With New Beliefs:
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Belief #1
“Self-Empowerment Belief”
“I am responsible for what I think, feel and how I behave.”
~and~
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Belief # 2
The Positive Identity Level Belief
“What makes me good enough, important or
acceptable has nothing to do withwhat other people think of me.”
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These two powerful, self-affirmative andself-empowering beliefs enable kidsto think and feel about themselves
and each other in a waythat supports and keeps intact
everyone’s autonomy and dignity.
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When both are accepted as true, the following becomes true as well:
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“I am the one who gives meaning and importance to other
people’s words and actions.
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All meaning and importance comes from me . . . not to me.
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Because I control the meaning, I am always in control of how other
people’s words and behavior affect me.”
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This presupposes:
That no one else’s behavior and/or words, however
contemptuous or unpleasant,ever mean anything about us.
~ and ~
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That no one else’s words have any power to make
anyone feel anything.
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We do not need to control anyonein order for us to be okay.
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Nor do we need any one else’s acceptance of us
in order to define our self as okay.
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This eliminates the need to engage in a power struggle to control anyone.
(Remember legislating against bullying behavior
only provokes a counter-attack.)
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A Bully achieves a feeling of power and superiority by creating a false inferior.
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But ... he first needs to identify a potential target.
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His perfect target is someone whois being unconsciously held captive by
both #1 The World’s Deadliest Belief
and #2 has a False Identity Belief.
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The Bully’s initial weapon of choice (what he’ll use to qualify a victim)
is what he says to the target ... his ‘verbal bullets.’
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In order for him to elevate himself, he first needs a cooperative victim,
unconsciously willing to give power to these bullets.
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Without the bullets, the bully iscompletely powerless even though
he tries to take aim.
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By teaching kids how to strip the meaning from words, we empower them to de-victimize themselves and
disempower the ability of the bully to use words as weapons.
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The bully’s contemptuouswords are useless against
anyone who understands this principle.
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The illusion of the bully’s power to make his potential victim feel
inferior to him (by using his own words) or to anyone else (by using gossip) is lost.
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#1
Although often preceded by verbal bullying, any physical violence
(for instance: punching, shoving, restraining or pushing of another student) must be seen as a zero tolerance event
~ and ~
Two Important Distinctions
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There must be effective interventions and no tolerance policies
that quickly make the offender responsiblethrough an immediate consequence to that
offender.
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For instance: banning themfrom participating in activities that
elevate their social status (i.e., team sports)and/or removing them from the school
altogether.
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#2
In any case where a studentsustains any kind of bodily harm orphysical stalking/menacing, it must
be seen as a criminal assault, rather thanbeing mislabeled as a bullying incident.
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Principle #2
Motivating Kids Through Cooperative Engagement
How do we get kids to want for themselveswhat we want for them?
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Appeal to what they already want ...
Acceptance
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Think about it ...
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Which would you rather be?
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Accepted?
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Or simply ... tolerated?
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And how much external pressure is required when you truly feel self-motivated toward
doing or getting something you already want ...
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especially when you know you have someone else’s help . . .
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because they want it too.
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Does anyone have to convince you to want what you already want for yourself?
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Getting kids to identifya common want, encouraging them tothink about how they would be willing
to act in order to get their want met, andhelping them to create ways they could use to support each other
to create an environment of Active Acceptanceis a powerful first step
to transforming the “silent majority”into Change Agents.
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We all want to be accepted for who we already are.
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We don’t need to teach this to kidsbecause it’s an innate desire they already have.
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By engaging our kids’ natural motivation toward what they already want and giving them a way that they can actively create it together,
we don’t need to legislate their behavior
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Mindopoly’s Cooperative Engagement Model has a unique advantage over Anti-Bullying Models
because it capitalizes on our kids’ natural desire to have:
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Autonomy:
They are each, individually, in control of their own choice and in their
ability to set a personal expectation of themselves
about how they will go about creating what they said they wanted for themselves.
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Mastery
This model provides everyone with the ability tomaster the art of how to develop true personal
power through choice, self-control and self-accountability
and learn how working together toward acommon goal to create it is far
superior than waiting for someone toprovide it for you.
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Purpose
This model gives kids a common, highly desirable, self-achievable,
yet shared vision that will intrinsically motivate them ....
far beyond what we could impose upon them.
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Acceptance immediately sets a ‘same frame’
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Because of the following truism:
“You are the same as me because you want to be accepted too.”
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Kids become self-regulating.
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And by encouraging solutions generated by kids for kids, we encourage self-
accountability.
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As each of them says,
“I want this and this is my expectation of myself to create that for myself.”
“So here’s what you can expect of me.”
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This encourages kids to trusteach other as they come together
to create what they all want.
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Principle #3
Taking a Pledge to Become “The Shield”
Create ‘The Shield’ by mobilizinga no longer silent majoritymade up of an supportive
community of parents, teacher,administrators, counselors and students.
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Instead of Trying ToControl Kids to Move Away
From a Not Want(Stop Bullying or Anti-Bullying)
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We Focus Most of OurEnergy In Creating and Sustaining
a Positive Move Toward What We Do Want
By Creating an Entire Social Campaign
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We can start by holding a contest for the best Graphic Design for our Program’s “First Shield”
(The kids’ popular vote wins)
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Then ...
By sparking in all kids, includingwould-be bullies, their natural competitive
desire to lead and be respected,encourage them to create their own:
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Personalized Brand Name and Graphic for an Individual Shield for Their School
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Collaborate with students to create an entire in-school campaignwith arm bands, t-shirts, etc.
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Asking them to come up with tag-lines ...
(“The only label I wear is on the inside of this shirt”)
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Encourage the older kidsto create fun, provocative, kid-inspired
“The Shield Program” videos that could easily go viral.
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Hold a contest for theBest “The Shield” Videos submitted
by each grade and school
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Engage the more technical kids to work with adults in our communityto create a phone app that easily
lets kids reach outif they become a cyber or text target.
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Something that would easily enableanyone to show support
using social media and texting to create ‘a shield’ for the victim
by lending an affirmation of acceptance.
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This means an act of “Active Acceptance” the minute something negative gets
posted or texted by creatingan avalanche of support:
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“Hey, I don’t think this is true about you. This is just one person’s opinion.
It doesn’t mean anything about you.”
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Essentially ‘drowning out’ the bully or bullies.
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By working with kids, we can identify possible
bright spots* that already exist and can be taken advantage of.
*What’s working already?
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Principle #4
Teach Kids How To UseReflective and Re-directive Language Skills
and Avoid Becoming a Target
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There are effective ways of conversationally
disengaging a bully’s attempt to gain power over, control or manipulate.
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This may serve to eliminate the escalation of bullying (both cyber and
physical)as they are most often preceded by
verbal bullying.
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Here are just two examples of howknowing what to say
can thwart a bully withoutcreating a confrontation.
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What To Say: Example # 1
Bullies love to ‘bait’ with questions.
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Don’t take the bait.
If you think you’re being baited, answer a question with a question.
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Use some version of:
“I’m curious, why do you ask?”
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This not only frustrates the bully’s attempt to bait you, it puts them in the
position of having to explain their motivation
for asking the question in the first place.
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What To Say: Example # 2
Bullies love to throw a ‘zing’ to seeif it has a desired effect.
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You can also use a question frame to create and send a message of
a non-defensive, so what? attitude toward the comment.
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“I’m curious, why did you just say that?”
or
“I’m curious, do you really think that?”
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Again, this reflects the commentback to the bully and requires
him to have to answer the would-be target’s
question, which forces him to examine and own his intention.
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.
Turning the energy back to the bullyis a very effective way of answering
without having to lash back,become defensive or try to ignore it.
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Principle #5
Work With the School toCreate Active Acceptance Zones
In Places Kids Congregate
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The School Library
Benches on Outside Grounds
An Open Community Room
Lunch Tables
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Areas become clearly marked as Active Acceptance Zones
with The Shield Logo design of the schoolprominently displayed upon them
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This minimizes any guesswork that kids have to make when kids
seek to socially engage with other kids.
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They no longer have to question or become anxious
about whether ornot they’ll be accepted or fit in.
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Because Active Acceptance Zoneslet everyone know they do fit in
and anyone can take an active role in helping others to feel welcome too.
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This strips the bully of the powerto shun or exclude anyone by
using the school’s social structurefor his own purposes.
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Turning the Tables:
If students and staff ensure the ratio of tables
in the cafeteria with The Shield far exceed the number without them - making this the new norm - it redefines those who choose to sit in cliques to now be regarded as the
un-cool outliers.
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And this is just the beginning.
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Together, we outnumberthe bullies who are
themselves suffering fromthe “Deadliest Belief” and operating
under their misguided attempts to gain
power and control.
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We can engage and‘convert’ the bullies into
taking a positive leadershipposition ...
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and abandon thenegative, abusive one they are
presently using to gainpower, control, respect
and
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Yes ... acceptance!
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Ask yourself,
“What would happen if every one of usembraced and made ‘true’
The Shield Program’s Core Beliefs.
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To refresh your memory here they are again
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Belief #1
“Self-Empowerment Belief”
“I am responsible for what I think, feel and how I behave.”
~and~
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Belief # 2
Self-Empowered Identity Level Belief
“What makes me good enough, important or
acceptable has nothing to do withwhat other people think of me.”
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If you’re as excited as weare about the answer to that question ....
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Here’s what You can do – right now
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Show Your Support
Register and Add Your Nameto The Shield Pledge
(we’ll keep you informedand share valuable informationabout how you can participate
and make a difference)
~ and ~
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Then watch Mindopoly’s Jim Cervellonispeaking at this year’s FlourCity TEDx
”The World’s Deadliest Belief”
Make sure to leave a comment, like and/or share. Together we
can make a difference.
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“We give meaning to events; we don’t take meaning from events and, therefore, are capable of changing the meaning.”
By changing the meaning, we change our experience.
And Remember . . .