the psychology of relationships by dr. kathrine bejanyan
TRANSCRIPT
The Psychology of Relationships
Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan Relationship Consulting
kathrinebejanyan.com
Psychology PhDo Social Psychology
M.A. Counselling Psychology
o Licensed Marriage Family Therapist (California,USA)
o Accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy • Therapy/consulting
• Focus on relationship work• Singles, couples, groups, organisations• Education plus insight
LoveCindy’s Relationship Dilemma:
I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, over 6 months. He’s a nice guy and fits every quality I want in a husband. However, I don’t feel a spark. He is not physically my type, he looks and dresses in the opposite way from what I find attractive. He’s also not romantic like other boyfriends have been in the past. The chemistry is missing and “I just don’t love him”. I’m wondering if I should stay in the relationship and keep giving it a chance?
In the mid-1960 a study by Kepart (1967) asked over a 1,000 students “If a boy or girl had all the other qualities you desired, would you marry this person if you were not in love with him or her?”
• 35% of men and 76% of women said they would marry someone they did not love
• Men considered passion or love to be more essential
• Women were less romantic in their beliefs and said the absence of love would not necessarily deter them from considering marriage
• Before the 1700 no society ever really equated romantic or passionate love with marriage
• Marriage was viewed as an alliance between two families (Dion & Dion, 1993)
• Things that were considered for an appropriate match included:– Social class, status
– Family background, reputation
– Religion
– Economic position, property, wealth
– Health
• Romantic love was considered to be impractical, unnecessary, and often dangerous
• Most stories, songs or plays connected dark endings to lovers who acted upon their love
• Romantic love had very little place in proper society, certainly no place in marriage
– Passionate love was depicted as either unrequited, never consummated, creating family tragedies, breaking up alliances or ending in suicide or death for the lovers
Modern Western Marriages:• Love is viewed as the primary prerequisite for marriage, often considered the most important factor (Simpson, Campbell, & Berscheid, 1986).
•Falling in love and selecting a potential mate is considered a normal developmental task for most late adolescents and young adults (Medora et al., 2002)
•Men and women nowadays value and expect love in their relationships
The same question asked in recent research “If a boy or girl had all the other qualities you desired, would you marry this person if you were not in love with him or her?”
• 14% of men and 9% of women said they would not marry without love
• Romantic love is now so important that, men and women claim that if they fell out of love, they would not consider staying married
How important is romantic love?
• There is considerable evidence that romantic love is a cultural-universal (Jankowiak and Fischer, 1992) and has an evolutionary basis (Buss & Schmitt, 1993).
• Romantic love serves a clear purpose – reproduction and survival
– Romantic love is an important factor in drawing two people together; intensifying their passionate and sexual desire for each other, culminating in offspring.
• It’s nature’s way of making sure we don’t get too busy with life, forget to do the deed and die out.
• Romantic love increases our feelings of euphoria, infatuation, passion and erotic desire for one another. In short, it makes us feel great!
Drawback
It’s not meant to last!
1. Making a baby doesn’t take very long
2. To stay in this state of bliss means nothing would get done (intrusive thinking, near obsession)
3. Our ancestors did not survive for very long
4. It’s not in our genetic interest to breed with the same person over and over again, decreased genetic diversity
Romantic love is transient (Helen Fisher, 2004)
•Our ancestors were primed to fall passionately, sexually in love for about 4 years – enough time to come together, conceive a child and take care of it through its infancy stage, increasing its survival rate
– Attraction and attachment
•In tribal societies by the age of four, children are generally self-sufficient and prefer to spend most of their time playing with other children
•It would be a genetic disadvantage to only breed with the same person
The truth is we are simply not hard-wired to keep romantic-love passionate and alive decades to come with the same person. We are wired for shorter-term love, long enough to come together and procreate.
Marrying for love does not determine what happens to a couple after their marriage. Couples still continue to face common marital challenges like managing other familial relationships, coping with conflicts over sexuality, fidelity, roles and responsibilities . Thus, the normativity of marrying for love is seldom complete or unproblematic. Modern Loves, edited by Jennifer Hirsch and Holly Wardlow
Companionate love
•This love is less intense in degree compared to romantic love but it’s based on feelings of deep connection, bonding and affection•Two people have to be actively engaged in the process of building this kind of love. Unlike romantic love, it doesn’t just happen reflexively•Takes skill, awareness and intentionality to develop
• After romantic love subsides a more substantial foundation is necessary to sustain a long-term successful relationship
To Recap:Initial romantic attraction is natural to humans but maintaining love over time isn’t
•Don’t rely on romantic love to instinctively give you long-term success and happiness•Accepting that there is nothing normal about long-term love, can help you realise that you have much more control over the development and maintenance of your love life than you think. •You are not helpless in the pursuit of love, some people aren’t just more lucky than others, you are in control • Learn about love and relationships and do more of the things that can magnify love over the long-run and less of those that destroy it
Standards
• Romantic love isn’t a good judge of character. You can fall completely in love with someone very different than you, who lives and acts in entirely different ways but to make a relationship work in the long run, you need to share similar values and lifestyle.
• Becoming clear about what you are looking for from a relationship helps you save time, effort and heartache
• It can prevent us from becoming entangled in relationships with people who we know are wrong for us
• London singles today have a long list of “musts” and “must nots” they want from a partner and a relationship
– I want him to have a good job, be caring, understand my emotional needs, be attractive; I want her to be intelligent, attractive, thoughtful, easy-going, active, fun, etc.
• Modern values emphasis the self and its pursuit of instant, self-gratification
• Technological advances has lead to an exponential increase in the number of available people to date but these advances have also focused us in the wrong direction
• Too many people are aware of what the other brings to the table but not enough on what benefits they bring to the relationship
• While knowing what characteristics you want from a partner is important, embodying these qualities yourself is even more important.
• Often we expect too much from a partner when we ourselves haven’t yet mastered these values.– People think, when I find the “right” partner then I will practice the
values I preach “I will be more honest, committed, thoughtful, romantic, etc.” because my partner will deserve it
• Who you are teaches people how to treat you. People will interact with you on the basis of who you are, not who you say you are. – You may say you want a genuine, understanding, respectful
relationship, but if you do not actively practice these qualities yourself in your everyday life, then you cannot expect the same from a partner.
• Have integrity! It's not fair to ask a another person to live up to your standards when you are not sure if you meet them yourself
Equity•What you get out of the relationship should be roughly what you put into it.
– People in equitable long-term relationships are more content (e.g., Fletcher et al., 1987)
– Grote and Clark (2001) followed married couples longitudinally and found perceived inequity triggers distress
Social Exchange Theory – Cost-Reward Ratio – We are always seeking to obtain,
preserve or exchange things of value with other human beings; we bargain over what we are prepared to give in exchange for what they will give us.
– Minimax Strategy – we aim to minimise costs and maximise rewards, although we may not be conscious of doing so.
• Relationship is unsatisfactory when the costs exceed the rewards
• If one person is expected to be perfect, it'll strain the relationship
To Recap:It’s not just about the standards you have for the other person, it’s about the standards you have for yourself. Equity is critical!
•Have more awareness about what you bring to the relationship and how the other person will be benefiting from being with you
•Don’t assume that the things you consider important are things they consider important
•Be equally invested into the relationship – giving and receiving in a fair amount
•Love doesn’t always look the way you think it should, be open to possibilities
ConnectionEvery human being needs connection but the quality of that connection depends on the emotional well-being of the two people involved
•Authentic, genuine real-life love and a successful relationship doesn’t just happen to you, it happens because of you
• It’s not about how lucky or fortunate you are, it’s about who you are
• Our ability to relate to others, give and receive love has to do with who we are as a person
Adult relationship (attachment) style has been linked to the mother-child relationship
– Bowlby (1969) research on infant - mother bonding found that early experiences with this primary intimate relationship shapes later ones
• Early attachment experiences form the basis of our internal working models which determines how we think about ourselves and relationships with others (Hazan 2004)
• Early attachment builds two attitudes– self esteem – interpersonal trust
• When very young, a human infant can do little more than cry, make eye contact, smile, and snuggle to encourage its mother to keep it near and meet its needs (Hazan & Shaver, 1987)
• Child develops either a trust or mistrust of others to meet his/her needs
• Availability and consistency - When a child is certain that an attachment figure will be available to him whenever he desires, he begins to builds confidence and trust in others
• When the caregiver is not consistently available to the child, the child can be much more prone to intense or chronic fear, worry
• Once mobile the child can actively pursue her mother and vocalise its presence and needs
• The mother is the child’s secure base– When the child is healthy, alert, unafraid, and in the presence of
its mother, it seems interested in exploring and mastering its environment and establishing contact with other family and community members
• The child is able to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and confidence in being able to depend on others to meet his or her needs
Secure: Find it relatively easy to get close to others and are comfortable depending on them and having them depend on them. They don’t often worry about being abandoned or rejected or about someone getting too close to them.
Avoidant: Somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; they find it difficult to trust them completely or allow themselves to depend on others. They get nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want them to be more intimate than they feel comfortable being.
Anxious/Ambivalent: Find that others are reluctant to get as close as they would like. Often worry that their partner doesn’t really love them or won’t want to stay with them. They want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away.
• Confidence in the availability of attachment figures and mastery of the self, or lack of it, is built up slowly during the years of infancy and childhood
• Whatever expectations are developed during those years tend to persist relatively unchanged and remain stable throughout the rest of life.
• We attract and find partners that confirm our models and repeat our patterns
• Your attachment style doesn’t have to define you, by becoming aware of your attachment style, you can begin to challenge your deep rooted insecurities fears and worries about yourself and others
To RecapOur childhood attachment patterns can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities in our adult relationships
•Examine your childhood and understand what attachment style
•Work on recognising your patterns and not acting from your fears and insecurities
•Focus on changing the emotional experience of your relationship
•In real life, hurt and pain are barriers to love, not bait.
Happy and healthy relationship which make us feel cared for, nurtured, respected and valued takes self-awareness, skill and intentionally
