“THE PROBLEMES WITH DIVORCES IS THAT THEY TURN INTO WOARS”

Florence Bienenfeld*

For some children divorce is like a war. Adam, a sensitive ten-and-one-half year old boy involved in a hot custody battle certainly saw it that way. He drew his mother and father on two separate battle- ships, facing each other. His parents were firing at each other. He drew a submarine below the water, betwen the two battleships. He labeled the subma- rine “the children.” He also drew a plane overhead. From the plane in a bubble Adam wrote the words, “Stop! Stop!” Beside the plane he wrote “the counselor.” (See Exhibit A)

In his drawing Adam appeared to be asking me to end the war between his parents. That was not going to be an easy task. His parents had been fighting for years. They were each deeply entrenched into their own positions and Adam was hopelessly caught in the middle. Across the top of his drawing in large letters Adam wrote with black crayola: “THE PROBLEMES WITH DIVORCES IS THEY TURN INTO WOARS.”

Adam’s parents were in court fighting over visi- tation issues. The description of how I helped him get his wish is true. Only the names of family mem- bers and certain other identifying material has been changed or disguised to preserve confidentiality.

Adam’s parents both sat tensely in my office as I explained that the purpose of the mediation ses- sion about to begin was to assist them in reaching an agreement regarding their son, Adam. If they were able to reach an agreement, I told them, I could write up their agreement for them and this would make it unnecessary for the Judge to make this decision for them.

I found out that Adam’s parents had separated two years ago and that Adam and his 19-year-old sister were living with his mother and seeing his father irregularly according to father, and regularly according to mother. His parents were living ap- proximately on hour apart.

Florence Bienenfeld, Ph.D., MFCC, IS a Senior MediatorlCoun- selor, Conciliation Court of Los Angeles County; Author of My Mom and Dad Are Getting a Divorce, EMC Corp., St. Paul, Minn., 1980 and Child Custody Mediation, Science & Behavior Books, Palo Alto,California, 1983.

I gave Adam’s parents the choice of which one would go first to tell me their perceptions of how each viewed the situation and to give me an idea of what each wanted to see happen now.

Adam’s father, John, went first, grimly, “ I have joint custody but the problem is maintaining con- tact with my son. I am supposed to have reason- able visitation rights but Susan will only permit me to see Adam three nights a month. She punishes me and uses Adam as a weapon.”

He continued, “This weekend she refused to let Adam go with me, after I understood I could pick him up. She refuses to help with the driving at all.”

“I want more time with Adam, at least, what is standard for the courts to allow. I want half of the summer. I want a definite plan so I don’t have to beg her for time to see my son.”

John proposed the following schedule: On alter- nate weeks from Friday after school until Wednes- day at 8:30 A.M. and on alternate weeks either Monday or Tuesday evening overnight, alternate holidays; one-half of Christmas vacation; one-half of easter vacation; on Father’s Day and on his own birthday

Adam’s mother, Susan, began: “It was very difficult when he left us. I tried hard to do every- thing for Adam. I took him to a counselor. I even let John use my house, but he abused my privacy. He used my phone and drank my wine.”

She continued, “Adam is confused. He is inse- cure. John took him to San Francisco for his wed- ding, made Adam fly on a plane alone. I offered him half of last weekend but he came at the wrong time. The situation is most serious, the way he uses Adam. He let Adam read the court papers. I can’t count on him to pay for Adam’s medical bills. It is impossible to work anything out with him. Its al- ways something.”

Susan made the following proposal. John can see Adam every other weekend from after school on Friday to Sunday at 7 P.M.; one evening a week on the weeks he doesn’t have Adam for the week- end; one month in the summer; the last week of Christmas vacation; the first half of Easter vacation; Father’s Day weekend; and on Adam’s Birthday every other year.

33

CONCILIATION COURTS REVIEWNOLUME 23, NUMBER 1/JUNE 1985

34

Susan expressed her concern that Adam was young and needed supervision. She told John she would not consider any extra days because it was too disruptive for Adam, especially because of the distance between their two homes. She told John in a scolding voice, “You have to think of Adam’s activities, too. It’s too late for him to go to summer school now. I want him to be enrolled in something this summer. I can’t make plans because of you. Last summer we had the same problem. You should encourage Adam to have a productive summer. We can’t go to Court every year. Its too costly.”

John chimed in angrily, “Its her usual misun- derstandings and misconceptions. I can make plans for Adam in my neighborhood. She always wants Adam in her orbit.”

In the next twenty minutes, Adam’s parents and I discussed the situation and focused in on summer plans since that was their most crucial concern at the moment. Together we sketched out a plan and reviewed it with both parents’ attorneys and Adam’s step mother who were sitting in the waiting room.

It was agreed upon that during this summer, Adam would spend six weeks with his father and the remainder of the summer with his mother. The parent not having Adam would have Adam for one 24-hour period each week. Before they left, Adam’s parents agreed to return in two weeks to discuss a permanent parenting plan. I suggested they both consider Adam spending alternate weekends from Friday after school through Monday morning and one evening every week overnight as an alternative to each of their proposals.

When John and Susan returned two weeks later, John opened the session by announcing adamantly, “I want a restraining order against Susan dumping on Adam. Susan told him everything that happened in Court and when I picked him up from school the next day, he was mad at me.”

Susan blurted out angrily, “He picked Adam up without telling me.”

John continued, “Susan gave Adam a distorted idea of what went on. She lays a guilt trip on him. Adam cried because Susan doesn’t have the time or money to plan fun things like I do.”

Susan retorted, “It’s difficult for me without money and Adam sees it. I have court expenses again and he’s not paying his bills.”

Susan, John and I discussed the situation. I told them that from where I sat I could see ways that both of them were dumping on Adam.

John said defensively, “I’m forced to counter

her constant campaign of alienation against me, so I asked Adam, What does your mother pay for?”

I explained to Susan and John how damaging it was for Adam to hear these negative remarks and to be pressured to take sides with one parent against the other. Adam’s parents agreed to a mutual re- straining order prohibiting them both from discuss- ing financial issues with Adam and from making derogatory statements, including subtle negative comments in front of Adam. Afterwards Susan said defensively, “ I didn’t tell Adam everything I could have.”

The remainder of the session was used to dis- cuss a parenting plan. There was an impasse. John was now willing to have Adam on alternate week- ends from Friday through Monday morning, and one evening a week overnight, but Susan still said, “No school nights!”

In spite of this impasse, at this point I presented the idea of them returning for another session and bringing Adam. From the way these parents were fighting, I knew Adam must be suffering a lot from their conflict and I told them I felt it would be helpful and unburdening for Adam to come. They agreed to another session a few weeks hence. I would have included Adam’s sister also, but she was away for the summer.

On the day of their appointment, Susan and John accompanied Adam into my office. I briefly explained to Adam that the purpose of our meeting was to make things easaier for him. I asked him i f he would like to draw a picture or read a book while I talked with his parents for a few minutes. I wanted to find out from his parents what had happened since I saw them last. Adam took the paper and crayons and sat in the waiting room.

John announded that the summer schedule was working and Susan said next year she wants the vacation schedule to be planned ahead so she can make plans and enroll Adam in tennis lessons. We discussed this briefly and I volunteered to help them work on this more later on. I accompanied them to the waiting room.

It was then that Adam showed his parents and me the drawing he had made. His drawing showed clearly the pain he was experiencing. His parents and I were deeply touched. There were tears in his parents’ eyes. I escorted Adam into my office.

Adam took a seat. The first question I asked him was, “What do you think is going on between your parents?”

Adam replied, “One wants to do one thing and

35

the other wants to do another thing. They have big fights. My mom says bad things about my dad and my dad says bad things about my mom. I don’t know who to listen to.”

I asked Adam how that made him feel, and he replied, “it upsets me in a way.”

I asked Adam where he felt that upset feeling in his body and he answered that he didn’t know, but then he said, “All over.”

Next I asked Adam where he lives, and Adam told me that sometimes he lives with his mom and at other times with his dad.

I asked Adam how that was working out and he told me that it was working out okay. He hesitated, “Sometimes there is a problem ‘cause of mixed up plans.” He described a situation that had occurred lately: “We were visiting my mom’s sister. We came home and we were waiting for my dad but he didn’t come. Finally my mom called my dad to see when he was coming and my dad said he thought that my mom was bringing me to his house. Later on I asked my dad about it and he told me that my mom was supposed to pick me up, but my mom said my dad was.” Adam explained that this has happened a few times.

I asked Adam, “How do you get along with your mother?” He replied, “Good, she’s nice.”

Then I asked Adam how he gets along with his dad, and Adam replied, “I get along good, except when I ask dad questions that my mom asked me to ask my dad.” He explained that his dad gets a little up-tight and that makes him feel incomfortable. He added, “Sometimes I think my dad is wrong but he tries to convince me that he isn’t.’’

When I asked Adam what he thought was going to happen now, he replied, “I don’t know.” At the end of our interview I asked Adam, “What would you like to see happen now?” and he answered, “l’d We for them to stop saying this and that about each other when I go to each of their houses. I want them to stop getting mad at each other on the phone.”

When I asked Adam if he would give me permission to say what we talked about, Adam agreed. We invited his parents in and they listened very attentively while I summarized what Adam and I had talked about. After this family conference, Adam’s parents agreed to return once again to discuss and try to develop a parenting plan that could meet Adam’s needs, and reduce the acri- mony between them for Adam’s sake.

On the morning of our next appointment Susan

came. Father did not. We waited a few minutes far father to arrive, then I escorted Susan into my office.

Susan announced, “It’s not working as well as 1 would have liked. He’s not cooperating.” She told me about how John had kept Adam on her day off, after he had agreed not to. She said hopelessly, “He does as he pleases. What can I do? I don’t think he will even come today.”

At this point I went to the phone to call John. John answered the phone sleepily, “I thought our appointment was for 11 A.M.” He said, “Just a minute.” He checked his calendar and apoligized. He said he would be there in 30 minutes. In the meantime, I continued talking with Susan.

Susan told me how touched she was by Adam’s drawing. “He has not verbalized this before. I de- cided never to argue again in front of Adam . . . but John makes everything so difficult.

I suggested we work out a set schedule so things could go more smoothly between parents and hassles such as she described above could be avoided.

Susan answered, “But how can we have a set schedule, when my work schedule keeps changing?”

I asked Susan how far ahead she knows what days she would be working and she repled, “I know two or three weeks ahead of time.”

I offered the suggestion that she write John a note as soon as she gets her schedule so that John could select days to see Adam on the days she works, not on her days off.

Susan was still aprehensive, “When he doesn’t return Adam on my days, what recourse do I have?”

I told Susan that a good parenting plan would help them and help Adam. I then asked Susan what she thought of the suggestion I had made at the end of the last meeting for Adam to see his father on alternate weekends from Friday after shcool through Monday morning and one evening each week overnight. Susan was still very negative about Adam spending any school nights with his father. I asked for her reasons and found out that her main objections were: 1) John wouldn’t cooperate about Adam’s homework and; 2) John doesn’t return Adam’s clothes.

Susan and I then had a discussion about Adam doing his homework. I suggested that it was Adam’s responsibility to do his homework and not hers, and that it is best in most cases for parents to allow their children to take this responsibility themselves, rather than parents “policing” their children to see

36

that homework is done. Susan told me that in gen- eral she agreed with that; however, in Adam’s case, unless he is sat with, he will not do his homework. Historically, she explained that Adam had to repeat kindergarten, and that he had to be tutored for a year-and-a-half after that, but now it is too costly to continue with the tutoring. She stated that Adam is very bright but that he is just slow in doing his homework and he needs a parent to sit with him while he does his homework every night. She added that John would not take this responsibility and therefore she wants Adam home every school night so she can be sure he does his homework. She ended her comments by saying that Adam is two years behind emotionally.

I told Susan bluntlty, that if the “war” between John and she didn’t stop, Adam would be in a lot worse shape than he is now. I also told her that I would be talking to John about this issue when he arrives, and hopefully he would be willing to take some responsibility also for seeing that Adam does his homework.

Susan admitted how difficult it has been for her to have all the responsibility on her shoulders and stated that she would be willing to give some of the responsibility for Adam‘s education to John, “But he will agree to anything and then he just won’t cooperate.” At this point John arrived.

John handed me a holiday chart that he had prepared. I compared this to mother’s holdiay chart and both parents were in agreement about all the holidays except for Christmas vacation. After dis- cussing it, Susan and John were tentatively consid- ering alternating the first and second halves of Christmas vacation. John said he wanted to dis- cuss this with his present wife, Karen, before he agreed to it. If Karen had no objections than this year and on odd years Adam would spend the first part of Christmas vacation with mother from the day school let out through December 26th at 8 A.M., and the second half of Christmas vacation with father from December 26 at 8 A.M. through December 31 at 6 P.M. On even years this pattern would be reversed. Parents would alternate New Years holiday each year.

Here I introduced a discussion about regular schedules throughout the year. I began by summa- rizing mother’s position and her concern about Adam spending school nights with father. I asked John if he would be willing to take responsibility for sitting with Adam on certain school nights and helping him complete his homework assignments. John replied,

“I would like to take some responsibility do do homework with Adam.” He also discussed the idea that Susan and I had talked about earlier, namely Susan would send John a note listing the days she had to work, two weeks prior. John would select weekdays to have Adam, other than on her days off. John said he liked that idea very much.

For the next 15 or 20 minutes John, Susan and I discussed the possibility of John having Adam one evening a week on a night that Susan worked, and alternate weekends through Monday morning. Susan said Adam could remain overnight with John on alternate Sunday evenings, but she was still reluctant to consider overnights during the school week. They spent a few minutes arguing over this, but Susan still insisted Adam be returned by 9:OO 0’ clock.

John brought out the following information that Adam had told him: After he returns Adam to Susan’s residence at 9:00 o’clock, Susan then begins doing homework with Adam. At times Adam would not get to bed until midnight. I suggested that it would be far better for Adam to remain with John on that evening, and for John to help Adam complete his homeowrk assignment instead of beginning to do his homework at 9:00 when mother returned from work. I also suggested that this must be difficult for Susan and that she deserved a break from this routine of homework as well.

Both John and Susan asked me to help them draft an agreement that they could then consider and discuss with their attorneys. They would return in two weeks and if they were in agreement, at that time they would sign it or make the necessary changes.

The three of us then drafted the following agreement: 1) The parents would continue to have joint legal

custody of Adam. 2) During the school year, Adam shall spend the

following times with his father, and the remain- der of the time with his mother: On alternate weekends from Friday, 3 P.M. to Monday, 8:30 A.M.; One evening each week, on Tuesdays or another evening on which mother worked, from 3 P.M. overnight through the following morning at 8:30 A.M. Susan agrees to provide father with her schedule in writing two weeks in advance, or less by mutual agreement.

3) Summer vacation schedule: Adam sha!! spend the first part of summer vacation through Au- gust 1 with his mother on even years and with

37

father on odd years; and the last part of summer vacation beginning August 1 through the end of summer vacation with his mother on odd years and with his father on even years.

4) Holiday and vacation schedules: A) Holdiays for mother: Mother’s Day and mother’s birthday; The following holidays on even years: New Year’s weekend from December 31 at 6 P.M. to noon the day before school begins; Martin Luther King’s birthday, July 4th, Thanksgiving day, Lin- coln’s birthday, Columbus day, Adam’s birthday, the first part of Christmas vacation from the day school lets out through December 26th at 8 A.M., and the second half of Easter vacation. Follow- ing holidays on odd years: Washington’s birth- day weekend, Memorial day weekend, Labor day weekend, Veterans’ day, the second half of Christ- mas vacation” from December 26 until Decem- ber 31st at 6 P.M. And the first half of Easter vacation. (B) Holidays for father: every Father’s Day and father’s birthday, the following holidays on even years: Washington’s birthday weekend, Memorial day weekend, Labor day weekend, Veteran’s day, Adam’s birthday, the last half of Christmas vacation from December 26 at 8 A.M. through December 31 at 6 P.M., and the second part of Easter vacation; the following holidays on odd years: New year’s weekend from December 31 at 6 P.M. to the noon of the day before school begins, Martin Luther King’s birthday, July 4th, Thanksgiving day, Lincoln’s birthday, Columbus day, the first part of Christmas vacation form the day school lets out through December 26 at 8 A.M., and the first part of Easter vacation.

5) Parents are restrained from arguing in front of Adam, from making derogatory statements in Adam’s presence, and from pressuring Adam to take sides in the disputed issues.

Before Adam’s parents left, with a copy of their agreement, John stated, “I never dreamed we would accomplish so much today. I just didn’t expect it.” I reminded both parents how happy Adam would be if they could settle their differences. John and Su- san left with an appointment. I could hear them arguing over who would pay for Adam’s classes during the summer as they walked down the hall.

Susan and John spent most of the next session arguing and discussing the issue of Adam spending Tuesday nights with John. Susan had already yielded on Adam’s remaining overnight two Sunday nights a month on John’s weekends, but she was set

against Adam sleeping overnight on Tuesday nights, “That would be too disruptive. Adam would lose so much sleep.” She produced a colored chart that she had made showing hom much sleep Adam would lose spending the night with father. “Adam would have to get up at 6:OO A.M. because of the long ride to school. When he’s with me he can sleep until 7:30 A.M. Every other week he would miss all this sleep twice, on Sunday night and on Tuesday night.”

John looked livid. His wife, Karen, put her head in her hands. John said, “I want more time with Adam. I ’m not going to give up having Adam at least one night a week. I guess we’re going to have to go to court.”

I talked to them about how much progress they had made, how many issues they had already resolved, and how damaging it would be for Adam and for them to have to fight it out over this issue.

Susan said angrily, “We’ll probably be in court every six months anyway.”

I asked her why, and she pointed to John, “Because of him.”

I told them it did not have to be like that, and I focused in again on the issue of overnights on Tuesdays. I asked Susan to consider the possibility that this extra time with John might benefit Adam enough to outweigh his missing a little sleep.

Susan held firmly to her position, “Not on school nights! ”

Then I asked them both to consider a compro- mise: Adam wou!d stay overnight on Tuesday eve- nings, only on the weeks John did not have Adam for the weekend. On alternate Tuesdays he would return Adam by 9:00 P.M. Susan nodded affirma- tively. I turned to John, “What do you think of this?”

John said he would agree to it and so did Susan. I made the change in their agreement.

The remainder of the session was spent work- ing out the exact time Adam would be with both of them on vacations and holidays.

A disagreement arose around when Adam would be returned after a three-day weekend. John wanted to return him on Tuesday morning to school. Susan wanted Adam returned on Monday evening by 9:00 P.M. John yielded.

All the issues they had raised had been resolved. Both Susan and John indicated that they were satis- fied with the agreement. They each left with a copy of their agreement. No further appointment was set. They would contact me about their decision after they discussed it with their attorneys.

38

Before Karen left she shook her head back and forth and said, “You deserve a medal for your patience. ’ ’

I shook all of their hands warmly and said goodbye.

The morning after our appointment John tele- phoned me. He had met with his attorney for an hour to discuss the parenting agreement. The only concern his attorney had was the informal way the restraining order was worded. His attorney would be calling me about this. Otherwise John and he was prepared to sign it.

John said he was upset because Susan was still arguing and defaming him in front of Adam. He described an incident that occurred just last night: He went to the house to bring Adam to Susan for a twenty-four-hour period as they had agreed upon. Susan was supposed to return Adam to him. He merely asked her when she would be returning Adam, and Susan told him curtly that he would have to pick Adam up himself because her tires were bad. He went immediately lo check her tires. They looked fine to him and he told her so. Susan then became angry and said, “Are you calling me a liar?” All of this in front of Adam.

I told him for Adam’s sake these arguments had to stop. I suggested they come in again to discuss this and to smooth out some rough spots. He ac- cepted my suggestion gratefully.

While John was still on the phone, I telephoned Susan on another line. I explained that John was on the other line, and that except for a possible change in the wording of their restraining order, John was prepared to sign their agreement. Susan said she was also. I also told her that John had mentioned the argument they had had last night. Susan told me immediately how John had accused her of being a liar in front of Adam. I repeated what I had said to John, “These arguments have to stop.” When I mentioned that John was willing to return to my office next week to discuss this if she would come, she accepted and warmly thanked me for all my help.

This was to be our fifth meeting, more than I usually see families for mediation. If John and Su- san could not reach an agreement this time, my goal would be to suggest a referral for continued family counseling elsewhere in the community. My motivation was very high to help them resolve their differences and to learn how to cooperate and to work together regarding Adam. I knew Adam was counting on me.

Susan telephoned me the day before our ap- pointment to change the date. That would be the only morning she had free to do her banking and errands before taking Adam away for a few days vacation. All the other days she had to work. The next available time I had to see them was two weeks away. 1 set a tentative appointment with her and asked her if she could let John know about the change.

Susan hesitated, “Could you call him? When I told him I wouldn’t be able to come tomorrow morning, he was furious. I just can’t talk to him.” I agreed to call him regarding the change. In the meantime Susan planned to go over the agreement with her attorney. “ I want to be sure I won’t get hurt from signing it. I have signed other agreements with John and I’m still paying for it.”

I suggested that perhaps attorneys should be present for our next meeting, but Susan said she preferred not because of the expense.

I telephoned John. We discussed the change of appointment and Susan’s plan to speak to her attorney. John expressed his deep frustration, “It’s like pulling teeth. All the delays.” He agreed to attend our next meeting, but if nothing was finalized this time he intended to go to court for a solution.

When John and Susan arrived for their appoint- ment, I greeted them warmly. They both smiled at me as they took thier seats on opposite sides of the room from each other. I asked Susan how her vaca- tion was, and she replied optimistically, “Terrific! ”

Then I asked both of them what they were hop- ing to accomplish today and they both said almost in unison, “To finalize our agreement.’’ The next three-and-one-half hours were spent discussing changes that each wanted to make and items each wished to add to their agreement.

First, John presented the issues he wanted to discuss, namely that of Susan sharing half the driving on weekends and vacations. Susan refused flatly, saying, “That’s ridiculous. I don’t get home from work on Friday until 6 P.M. I’d have to give Adam dinner and I wouldn’t be able to get him to your house until 9 P.M. On Monday morning you take Adam directly to school, so it wouldn’t work out for me to drive.

I turned to John and said, “You would be miss- ing dinner with Adam if she brought him to you at 9 P.M. It might not work to your or to Adam’s advan- tage for Susan to bring Adam to you on Fridays. John said he would like to think about this. Ha didn’t raise the issue again.

39

Next John brought up the issue of being able to make changes in his schedule in case he had to go out of town on business and miss some of his days with Adam. Susan refused to have anything in writ- ing about this, because she did not want to be bound to it; however she added reassuringly, “But I’ll do what I can to accommodate you. It will be impossible to make up the entire time you miss. I have business commitments sometimes, too.”

John tried to persuade her to be willing to find some formula for making up missed time but Susan held her ground. I suggested the following wording which both accepted: Should either parent find it necessary to miss an assigned evening, day, or weekend with Adam, due to business commitments, the other parent shall make every effort to make up as much of the time missed as possible as soon as possible.

The last issue John had on his agenda was the restraining order against making derogatory state- ments in Adam’s presence. He and his attorney were both requesting that Susan not contact any of John’s family.

Susan repsonded to this angrily, “I’m friendly with his parents and his sister. I won’t be restrained from talking to them. He talks about me too.”

They began to argue over this. After a few min- utes I said, ”I would like to remind you both why you are here, to make life easier for Adam. When either of you makes derogatory statements about the other, it keeps the war going, and that hurts Adam. He wants the war to end.”

Susan nodded affirmatively, “It’s Adam’s birth- day today.”

“Wouldn’t it be a wonderful birthday present for Adam if you could settle all this today”? I asked. Together we wrote the following restraining order: Parents are restrained from arguing with each other in front of Adam, and from making derogatory state- ments to anyone about the other parent in Adam’s presence. Parents shall not discuss disputed is- sues with Adam or pressure him to take sides.

Now it was Susan’s turn to present her agenda. She and her attorney had carefully gone over the agreement and made marks in red to indicate de- sired changes. The first issue was regarding sum- mer vacation, namely that each parent could take Adam away on vacation for only three weeks, not for six weeks as John had requested. Susan added, “If you want to keep him away longer, I’ll probably agree. ”

John protested. He didn’t like the idea of having

to ask her permission to keep Adam longer. He said he didn’t trust Susan to agree to it when the time came.

Susan looked wounded, “ I agreed to let you keep him away six weeks last year didn’t I? I didn’t refuse.”

John insisted he wanted it in writing. The next 15 minutes were spent arguing back and forth about this. I suggested they consider a four week vaca- tion with a two week additional option by mutual agreement, not to be unreasonably withheld.

At first both Susan and John were both negative about this, then John said he would agree to it. Susan refused to consider a four week period, and stuck to her position of three weeks.

I suggested splitting the difference and making it twenty-five days. Both were negative about this. There was an impasse, then Susan said, “Let’s skip over this and come back to it later.’

Next Susan stated that all plans must go through her, not to be made between John and Adam with- out her knowledge. John had been picking up Adam at school sometimes on her day and taking him to buy shoes or sports equipment without telling her.

John agreed to telephone her and let her know beforehand. A statement was written reflecting their agreement.

The only issue still unresolved was regarding summer vacation. John and Susan went round and round again and still there was an impasse. At this point I told them, “You have come a long way. If you can’t resolve this issue here, I can write up all that you have agreed to, and you can ask the Judge to decide on this one.”

Looking at me, John restated, “1’11 settle on a one-month vacation with an option for six weeks, like you suggested.”

Susan yielded, “Okay, 1 ’ 1 1 go for four weeks.” I spent the next 30 minutes writing up their

agreement while they calmly discussed the anxiety Adam was experiencing in connection with begin- ning a new school and making new friends. I looked up from my writing to tell them, “ I like the way you are discussing Adam together. This is the kind of cooperation and support he needs from both of you.”

After I finished writing up their agreement, I gave them each a copy. I also gave Susan the original. They wanted to read it over carefully and show it to their attorneys. After Susan signed it, she was to give it to John for his signature and John would either send it back to me or drop it by. Both

40

John and Susan said I would be hearing from them within a few days.

One week went by and I heard nothing from either parent. I wondered what was happening so I called up John, Susan and their attorneys to find out. Over the next few days I was able to reach all of them. Fortunately, I discovered that what was holding up the signing were only several minor items, such as the wording of hte paragraph per- taining to ”missed” days.

I suggested an alternate wording for John and Susan to consider. Frankly I was very relieved and pleased that the disagreements were minor ones. John and Susan had fought so hard over so many issues. They had truly come a long way.

I offered to meet with them again but they and their attorneys preferred to discuss these items by phone. John’s attorney arranged a conference call. In less than half an hour the few items were smoothed out. They were all to be in court in two days for their financial hearing and they agreed to stop by my office to sign their agreement that morning, which they did.

Hallelujah! I told John and Susan, “This is a real triumph for you. It shows how much you both care about Adam.” I wished them well. I also commended the two attorneys for their assistance.

How these parents will get along in the future is yet to be seen. This is a big concern of mine, but I firmly believe that the parenting agreement they signed will keep things running smoother for them and for Adam. The mediation process gave Adam a better chance to get his wish. It was a much more humane way then if his parents had taken their war into the courtroom, where no one wins.

Four months later I contacted both parents by telephone to find out how this family was doing. Susan reported the following: “We have the same impediments as usual. Sometimes better and some- times worse. It’s the personality I ’m dealing with. We had a flare up one day when I had to work on Monday. I called John and asked him if he could take Adam. Then he wanted Tuesday also. He said that Tuesday was his day. I just didn’t get Adam for two days, so now I won’t accommodate him when he wants to make a change.

I do find that the agreement is helping to hold the lines on the holidays. Maybe next year will be better. I won’t fight. It puts Adam in the middle. Adam is much less in the middle now. No matter what happens, I’m not going to fuss. I’m seeing a counselor now and I try to keep away from discuss- ing things with Adam.

Now the guidelines are there. If he doesn’t fol- low the agreement at least I know I could say that I’ll take him back to court.”

John reported the following: “We had a good holiday season. The agreement is helping a great, great deal to minimize the need to talk to Susan. She’s not willing to accommodate me so I fight fire with fire.

Adam is much more at ease now. The media- tion helped him a lot. Now l have no reason to talk to her. When I need to talk Susan still hangs up. I don’t think that will ever change, but things are much, much, much, much better. With your help we accomplished an enormous amount. It’s not 100 percent cured. I would like more harmony and accommodation but I believe it has helped Adam a lot.

Susan and I have more work to do. If we put more work into it maybe we can do even better. It’s down to a couple little knots and that’s not bad at all.”

Considering the amount of hostility and scope of their differences when they first entered media- tion, Susan and John are doing quite well. The best part of both reports was that Adam is more at ease now and not as much in the middle. To me that IS

the main purpose of mediation. Divorces need not turn into wars as Adam thought, not when there are mediators to help.

41

PLEASE I don’t want your money-only your ideas. Please share with us, in wiriting, any significant, unique, and pioneering programs in which you

are involved that helps strengthen the family and/or helps persons to more effectively cope with the divorce experience, including the post-divorced period.

It is not all important that your article be “scholarly” or supported bny “empirical data.” I f your pen is dipped in humanism and creativity, your contributions will probably be published and helpful to all of us. If you have never had an article of yours published, try it now. The experience of “my first article” is exhilarating-and makes writing the second article much easier.

Send me something that will make my life as editor easier and will make your ego runneth over with pride and accomplishment.

Don’t be scared. There is nothing magical about writing an article. If you postpone the decision to do it, you won’t do it. And you know it. So, do it now and send me something soon. Drop me a line if you plan to send me an article for the next issue.

As you know, the road we call the “helping professions” has many tricky turns and dark tunnels. Also, There are many places that are torn up, for new knowledge means tearing up the road and repairing it. On such a road, the need for towtrucks is great . . . to help those who are stuck or goofftheroad.Yourarticlewill5eatowtruckto helpget us backon the roadagain. -EDITOR

42