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SPY (ISSN 0890.1759) is published monthly by Spy Publishing Partners. The SPY Building, Union Square West. New York. N.Y. 10003. Submissions:Send with SASE co same address. For adveetising saks. call 212.633.6550.

© 1989 by Spy Publishing Partners, LP. Sccondclasspostage paid sc New Yurk. N.Y..and addisionalmaïIingoílccs. Annualsubscription

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changes co SPY. PO. Box 359139. Palm Coast, FL 32O359l39. For subscriptioninlormasion. caD: 1.800.423. 1780. Member. Audit Bureau o(Circulasions.

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Sutun Mo,thonEXECUTIVE 50110K

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bonn. Gnib« mid Hondy Mmi. MolunowikiSENIOR U)IIOLS

Cor,n W&n.tCHIEF OF RESEARCH

PuuI SimmuSTAFF WRITER

Ch.istluoø Kiaypin JuIl MihulyAsso(:IATF ART DIREC1OK PICTURE EDITOR

k$I MoiRriunniASSOCIATE SOlIDE

H.nry Alford Sob Mock UdI. St.rn ochiI U,quhorREPORTERS

Mo,$In KihnASSISTANT EDITOR

J.h, Prodi. Psis, H.Nsrnon Do4d KompKot. McDow.1I Elisio Schoppull (lolo. Wilkins

EDITORIAL ASSISTANTS

Scoit F,o.nm.r Mlcho.l Hofmann Kann.. LinsulASSISTANT ART DIRECTORS

HorySit Boro,ick W.nd.1l Sni$Ii NIcki GostluiRESEARCHERS PHOTO ASSISTANT

Rlt* NOdI., Dovid 011vsnbuum L. L Vond.po.cCOPY EDITORS

ICoy Schisckhost Max S.nyy J.nnlfui winstonART ASSISTANTS

Wole.r Monh.11MISSEN(;IBJc:RlTIc-Ar.IAIIc;I

Dá.roh MiclIll (Los AnsIis) Andr.o Ridir (Wushington)CORRESPONDENTS

Andy Aaron, Suro BarrotS, Jock BOFth. Roe' BluTant J,., CIlIO Brody. Chris Ccliii. Cn$hlo Colts.Brut. F1,stoin, D,sw Frindinon. Tod FF1ØJ, M4no Gorni.,, Jo. Gillls Jomis Grunt. Joirn H.11p.rn,

boy Mindio, Lynn HIIscITb.Fp, Ann Hodtmun, H.nry Hollond, J. J, Hun..ck. Eric Koplon,Howord Koplon. Molli' koylon, Goof Kirn, Mimi Krons.ç Moik Losiw.il, T. S. Lord, Thosno. Moro,

Guy Modin, Putly Moni, Pblttck McMulIan, Mori O'Dunn.11, Dovid Ow..,, Jo. Qu..non, Stove Rodlov.r,Poul Rudnick, Luc Sont. John S.obrook. Hurry S4s.or.. FOul Slonsky. Mlcho.l Soàin.

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CONTRIBUTING EDITORS

Ann. Kr.om., Coth.,in. KruchkoMARKETING l)IRF.CTOR AIWIKTI%IN(I 1)11111 TIlE

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From the Spy mailroom: September stilI

feels like bock-to-school days, and ourthoughts in the Spy mailroomour newonyx-and-mirror-resplendent mail-pro-cessing duplex overlooking the cracktmnsactions in Union Square Park notti-

rally turn 'o cherished

- p college-age corre-, spondents from the

w past. Your Jason deMenils, your DavidHalbfingers. Or rather,

our David Halbfinger, as Barbara OlsenPascale of Manhattan put it, delightfully,in a letter to us (a letter in which shealso managed a passing reference to De

Menil). And with Mike Richter of LosAngeles sending us Halbfinger newsclipped from the Los Angeles Times anda reader from Tulsa expressing interestin being De Menil's pen pal, it's clearthat readers won't let us forget our mostrelentless correspondents.

Not that we could, ever. And espe-cially not now.

Because here is a reminder in humanform, a latter-day, late-l989 version ofthe classic sp basher/subscriber in thevenerable Halbfinger/De Menil mode, aman who seems to have the De MenilSystem (1, Repeatedly send critical mailto editors; 2, Follow up with request forwork) down solid. He is Taso Lagos ofSeattle, and his name has appearedoften in this space, most recently to corn-

plain about the occasional advertisingsupplements in srt'. Since then we'veheard from him three times, and counting.

First, in a letter to a member of our staff,Taso wrote, "l...would love to scribblesome article for you ...... d like to pitchsome ideas." We prepared ourselves forthe query letter, if not the time-honoredgrovel, and it eventually camebut notbefore Logos had first sent a long letteradmonishing SPY for its own alleged"Faustian bargains" (see June cover story)

with advertisers. Weeks later came thepromised story proposal: an exposé "con-

cerning the vast proliferation of Greekrestaurants and Greek restaurateurs."

Hold onnot so fast, Taso. Are youtelling us that Greeks are owning andoperating restaurants and diners? Sounds

farfetched. Still, if you can turn up somesolid information on this (two sourcesminimum, please, and preferably on-the-record), then maybe we can do busi-

DEAR EDITois didn't notice that you'dlinked my name with

Ronald Reagan's when I read sPY lastApril (s is celebrated for being hard toread). But this linking cut deep [The SPYListi.

Let me tell you why: Years and yearsago, when it was first rumored that Ron-aId Reagan might have a chance to winone of the highest offices in the land itseemed impossible at the time, but sweetlyintriguing, like deathmy wife and Ivowed to leave America if he was indeedelected president. He was and we did.London, le Var and Lanzarote. And nowwere home again.

The SPY. List is useful rich stuff,tough sleddingand shouldn't be testedagainst known rules, especially by thelisted. I don't know what The SPY List is.Maybe no one will ever know. But what-ever it is, 'Ronald Reagan and GardnerMcKay" hurt.

And that's good, am I right?Gardner McKayKailua, Hawaii

DEAR EDITORS he hatchet job yourwriter did on ¡yana

Trump ["That's Why the Lady Is a Trump,"byjonathan Van Meter, May) has me mys-tified. It certainly would reduce co a cou-pie of paragraphs in such other scandaljournals as the Star, National Enquirer, etc.Where's the beef or, more to the point,what's your beef?

It readily appears that sri' dislikes theTrumps, and if that hatred can sell maga-unes, why not take advantage of it? In-

. -1=Istead ofcommissioning tacky stories, themagazine should spend its money to ob-tain che services ola better printer. For allthe ink you gave the Trumps, most of itcame off on my hands. Perhaps a bar ofsoap should accompanyeach magazinebut I sense that the only cleanup sri'

would like is in its circulation. After theIVANARAMA! issue, the possibility seemseven more remote.

Chu ckJones

Public RelationsNew York

Amazingly, Chuck Jones denies ever havingbeen employed by, or having any business re/a-tionship with, Donald Trump. Not that hewould mind developing one, surely.

DEAR EDIToRs mce i will never be solucky as to receive a

fax or letter from Mr. Trump, could youprint an enlarged version of that odd-looking logo that presumably heads theultraclassy, superchick Trump Organiza-tion stationery ["Dear Donald," May)?

Also, as part of che struggle to preservethe remaining charms ofthe English lan-guage, allow me to point out that the Feb-ruary 2, 1989, letter fumbled the phrase"chomping at the bit." Champing is theword found in the original idiom, and isnot only more descriptive and accuratebut also more fun to say and write. (Ofcourse, those who threaten courageousmagazines with "liable" evidently have adifferent view of what constitutes "fun"than I do.)

J a/ame MaduraMember Issaquah Fencing ClubBel/crine, Washington

DEAR EDITORS y, you guys are reallytough! I was wholly

impressed by the way you stood up toDonald Trumps threats of "rapid andmajor Litigation." SPY certainly couldn'tbe accused of backing down to the threatof litigation. No sirree.

Or could they? I recall feeling the samepride as a SP reader a few months backafter reading your response to Gore Vidal's

:i.:;-i _4threats of similar litigation [Letters toSPY, March). You can imagine my dismayat catching sight of your Correction col-umn in the May issue.

I would like to congratulate Mr. Vidalon his victory and inform you that if asimilar retraction follows your stories onMr. or Mrs. Trump, you may cancel mysubscription.

J ohn F PressgroveHonolulu, Hawaii

We ran that correction - the only time we'veneeded such a correction in three yearsbecause there was an inaccuracy in the VidaIstory. The Trump story was accurate, so therewon't be a correction. May we cancel yoursubscription anyway?

SEPTEMBER 1989 SPY 19

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20 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

DEAR EDI-rois hat's this I see? A ten-page article about

suing and nary a word regarding yourfavorite punching bag, Gore Vidai ["ThoseWho Can, Sue," by George Kalogerakis,June)? Afraid he may sueyou? Wise up: lethim have it again. You probably won'teven print this, fearing a lawsuit.

I do hope this is not the start ola trend.Next thing you know there will be nomention of Donald Trump. Is S"z' gettingmeek in its old age? Playing it easy, nowthat you've made millions? I hope to seeyour dwarfish, cowardly self come outfrom the rock you've been hiding under.Can't you call Vidai something, just to saveface? I hope most of your readers willstick with you through these trying times.But, of course, you will have to reassertyour backbone. Please recover soon.

Michael L. SmithBurlington, Vermont

Well, well try Here goes: Gore Vidai is asmug, ponderous, demagogic, garrulous, pedan-

tic, queeny old air bag. Okay?

DEAR EDITORS ut, tut. Unless yournote on mummifica-

tion ["What Are We Going to Do WithMom and Dad?," by Ned Zeman, May)was incomplete, the service available inSalt Lake City is not the genuine tech-nique as practiced by the ancient Egyp-tians. hit were, honey would be includedin the soaking process. The corpse's brainwould be sucked out of its skull throughthe nostrils. The viscera would be removedand stored in attractive Canopic jars, hope-fully of alabaster with carved lids. Onlythe heart would remain in the corpse.Storage in a hot, dry environment is rec-ommended. Summum, the mummifiers,do not, we trust, use any artificial pre-servatives among their "secret ingredients."

You also neglected to mention the op-tion of making an anatomical gift to adesignated medical school. The unem-balmed corpse, now a cadaver, is kept onice except when it is needed for classdemonstrations in gross anatomy (that'swhattheycallit) or for research. While liv-ing, the proud potential contribution toscience carries a Donor Wallet Card con-taming instructions in case of unmonitoreddemise or simply to inform the unapprised.Aside from such inconveniences as, per-haps, a touch ofgangrene on the extremi-ties, the cadaver may enjoy a long and use-

nessespecially since we just receivedan anonymous phone call suggesting,incredibly, that most of the 24-hour fruit-

and-vegetable stands in Manhattan oreunder the control of Koreans. Anotherlong shot, but who knows? If both storieswork out, well, we're thinking cover story.

Some of you may be aware thatabridged versions of s articles are oc-

casionally reprinted in periodicals around

the country. When we last checked oursyndication agreement, it did not spe-cifically award second North Americanserial rights to the Mojo Guitar Shop inGreenwich Village, which, after all, publishes only a business card. And yet there

on its card was a reprint of the admittedly

business-card-size "Elvis's Weight onthe Planets," with no credit given to itauthor, Fleming Meeks, or to s, wherethe item first appeared two years agothis month. When we heard about this,we called an emergency staff meeting to

discuss the best way to approach theMojo Guitar Shop and maneuver theminto revealing just how "Elvis's Weighton the Planets" had come to be reprinted

on their card. One of our cagiest opero-tives placed the call.

"I stole it, man," a Mojo spokesmantold him cheerfully. "From Billy Gibbons." Gibbons is, of course, what rockpublications would refer to as either"one-third of ZZ Top" or possibly "theTop's hirsute head axman extraordinaire"

We called Mr. Gibbons. Mr. Gibbons'speople got bock to us with this statement

"So that's where it came from" Headded, according to his publicist, "Tellthem [5PYJ I'm really pissed that theydidn't put down his weight in heaven."The folks at the Mojo Guitar Shop saythey have discontinued the Elvis card on

learning of the Meeks-Mojo fiasco.Unlike a Dayton, Ohio, reader and

Dont Duke of Manhattan, we were never

going to sue, or even pretend to sue. The

Dayton reader and Duke are pretending

to sue not the Mojo Guitar Shop, actually,

but spy. Both took advantage of the Sui

spy! postcard that accompanied "ThoseWho Can, Sue" (by George Kalogerakis,

June). One claims unconvincingly (butthen, we're not lawyers) that in the May

issue we described her as "the Anti-christ" and "a churlish dwarf billionaire"and is asking between $1 million and$10 million. Duke, for her port, claims

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DUCK A L'ORANGEMandarina Duck-veíy revolutionary _-" Look for Europe's hottest new ggogerubber and nylon luggage that looks ) at better stores where you'll find oil theterrific Sitting anywhere. --' ducks in a row.

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22 SPY SEPTEMBER t98

she was libeled by on advertisement thatran in the June issue of spy.

Jimmy Breslin didn't threaten to sue,but he did send a good-natured letter pro-

viding some elaboration on why and when

his daughter was living in a large, govern-

ment-subsidized apartment (see The SPYMap, July). When we called Breslin to askif we might publish his letter, he was notso good-natured. "Nobody gets my namefor free!" he screamed, and hung up.

Readers from Manhattan (Lois Earl) toFort Myers, Florida (Claudia C. Griftiths),are asking us what The SPY List is. Shallwe walk you through an easy one?

A SPY ListAlex PugsleyEric P. Schafer

ISkip the Sophomore

Linda StewartTonstant Weader

Joe Wiley

Many of you will guess that this is a listof People Who Have Recently Written UsRegarding the Hemingway-FitzgeraldFlap We Thought Had Been SettledOnce and for All in This Space LostMonth. But in fact, like al/SPY Lists, thisis nothing more than a list of People orThings We Know the Names of Off theTops of Our Heads. And that's the truth.

From Seattle, Hans Turley has for-warded a newspaper clip (addressed to"the Editor, Kennedy Siblings") detailinga fresh coup for Joseph Kennedy Il (see"Mr. Stupid Goes to Washington," byMichael Hirschorn, January/February).The Massachusetts representative joineda dozen colleagues who had marched the3.6 miles from the Capitol to the Chineseembassy, in soaking rain, to protest thecrackdown in China. Kennedy missedthe actual marching part, however, andgot out of a taxi at the embassy. Infront of all those photographers. Freshlycoiffed. Dry. Whereupon he announced,"I'm proud to join my colleagues."

Wes Smith of the Chicago Tribune hassent us a note, with this postscript: "BobGreene has nodded at me from his glasscage." And more Bob Greene newscomes from Tokyo. A reader has en-closed a two-page advertisement Greenedid for NTT, one of Japan's national tele-

phone networks. Greene, bewigged andbespectacled, ¡s photographed on a

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24 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

lui afterlife before the sponsoring medicalschool either returns the remains to nextofkin or buries them in a registered grave.

' of course, all of this requires the agree-ment of the predeceased; but surely it

is an appealing alternative to the fuss,bother and expense of a funeral.

Andrew RasanenSomerville, Massachusetts

Right )kU are, Andrew. The modern techniqueof "Wet/Dry Permanent Body Preservation'as practiced by Sumnum differs significantly

f rom ancient Egyptian inumnitfication. inhWet/Dry Permanent Body Preservation" thebody remains intact, and it is soaked in atissue preservation solution" similar to thatvsed by genetic engineers, sealed in a polyare-Mane membrane called a "cocoon, wrapped ina cast of gypsum cement and placed inside ametal mumm:form that is then welded shut.Who said there's no such thing as progress?

DEAR EDrnas hortly after I finishedreading your article

about neuropreservation, a procedure"that entails having a team of cryonicistslop off your head" so they can reattach itlater ["The Good News: Its Possible toLive Forever; The Bad News: You'll Be aSno-Kone," by Ned Zeman, May), I read"That's Why the Lady Is a Trump," whichsaid of the Trumps' first meeting,"'Donald Trump had met a beautifulwoman who had her head screwed onright." Now I cannot help wonderingwhether ¡yana Trump is in fact adefrosted neuro.

Jim WeisAtlanta, Georgia

DEAREDrroas pparently cryonics hasa greater possibility of

working than Ned Zeman led us tobelieve. At one point he says that the suc-cess ofcryonics is as remotely possible as"an important Rob Lowe movie." There isnow the movie Rob Lowe made inAtlanta.

Teresa Mar QuandHuntsville, Alabama

DEAR EDrroas feel you should knowthat copies ofs have

apparently made it to the Fox network.The May 6 episode of The Comic Strip Livehad a segment in which pseudohip host

street, grinning and pointing at an elder-'y mon who (remarkably, given Greene'sproximity) is giving no evidence of start-ing to look around for a policeman. Astatement from the columnist accom-ponies the photo: "I find that one of themost important things to keep in mindwhen talking to people and listening totheir stories is that I'm never really 'offthe ¡ob.' What I mean by that is -" Well,that's as far as we got.

Finally, a subject that has generatedat least as much mail as hove BobGreene, The SPY List, Jason de Menil,David Halbfinger and the phrase "Therich are different from you and me": nub-bins. In the May SPY, Henry Alford askedexperts to comment on Ncw York Timesrestaurant critic Bryan Miller's frequentuse of the word nubbin. These are someof the people Henry forgot to ask:

. Mary C. Erler of the Bronx says that"far, for worse than Bryan Miller's in-terest in nubbins is his relentless insis-tence on puddle as a verb."

s Jomes Garlits of Wabash, Indiana,says it's a "psychological measurementof resentment and resistance one feelstoward his or her mother." He hasenclosed a Kitty Carlisle Hart quote toprove it.

. A Winooski, Vermont, man writesthat John Irving uses the word nubbin onpage 74 of A Prayer for Owen Meony.

s Bruce Bernstein of Queens cites"page 75 in the paperback edition ofJohn Updike's 1960 novel Rabbit, Run."

. Jane Barrell of Staten Island sends acopy of page 140 of Kurt Vonnegut'sBluebeard with the word nubbin rightthere in the first line.

Well. lt's one thing for us to set aside a

portion of our week to count the nubbinsin Bryan Miller's columns; we're paid todo that. But the foregoing mail suggeststhat a sizable chunk of this country'spopulation is on some kind of silent nub-

bin watch. lt now seems likely thatbehind closed doors, nubbín tallies arebeing compared, nubbin anecdotesswapped and nubbin lore passed downthrough the generations.

Given that nubbins are (a) often food-related and (b) epidemic, we offer ourown definition of the word: "nubbin, n.:a restaurant owned or operated by Greeks.

Variation: a Greek restaurateur." Wehear there is a story in this.

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John Muirooney served mushroom soup,a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich andtomato ;uice to several unsuspecting au-dience members. He then pulled out "anFDA report' and proceeded to reveal howmany tiny maggots are allowed in onepound ofmushrooms (90), how many in-sect fragments are allowed in a pound ofpeanut butter (135) and how many mag-gots are allowed in 3.5 ounces of tomatopuree (1).

Did Mr. Muirooney really pull out an"FDA report," or was it the May issue ofspy, with Ed Sikov's Naked City piece,"Hold the Pickles, Hold the Aphids"?

Eric M. WeissWoodbridge, New Jersey

We don't know which he pulled out, but wecalled The Comic Strip Live and askedwhether they'dgotten the informationfrom sv'.Their reply: üYes, you're correct. Thatc wherewe got the information from.

DEAR EDrroits d Sikovs piece left toomany questions unan-

swered, maggotwise. Okay, I can get awaywith 90 tiny maggots in every pound ofcanned mushrooms, and I can have up to21 big ones (one-twelfth of an inch orlonger). Now, does that mean 21 biggies and90 tinies, or is there a formula for tradingoff, say, 1 biggie for 4 tinies? In other words,is 90 the max, ofwhich only 21 can be big.gies, or do I get a maximum maggotallowance of ill maggots per pound, pro-vided I mix big and little ones judicious-ly? Is that pound gross or net (with orwithout the maggots)?

Ron ZilberSan Francisco, C,alifòrnia

The FDA says you can get away with 21 large9nes or 90 small ones, a ratio of 4. 286 bigs to

every small. Your maximum maggot allowancewould be 90 per pound (no need to mix judi-ciously just stay within the "defict action level"limits). Finally, ifs onepoundgross, maggots and'proportionate liquid" included. Bon appétit!

DEAR EDrroRs thoroughly enjoyedyour article 'All the

News That's Print to Fit" [by Peter Heifer-nan, Mayl. Until I read it, I did not fullyunderstand how The New York Timesallocated space.

I am a librarian, and in the course of mywork I have divined another law: Thelonger the review in the Times Book Review,

28 Sfl' SEPTEMBER 1989

the less popular the book. This seems tohold true about 90 percent of the time.

Marvin H. ScilkenOrange, New Jersey

DEAR EDITois was most interested inPeter Heffernan's New

York Tímes coverage-of-mayhem editorialequation. I took the liberty ofapplying thesame formula to one of our local papershere on the 7-proximity-points West Coast(the Los Angeles Times) and discoveredthat 3,000 Bangladeshis killed in a floodequals 40 Grateful Dead fans arrested ina concert fracas.

Jim FuhrmanLos Angeles, Califi,rnia

DEAR EDIToRs loved your map of ap.palling public art in

New York City ["Free to Be. . .Philistine,"by Anne D. Bernstein, May). My favoritework of bad art has to be the giant celerystick on Fifth Avenue across fromThe Plaza.I've always been curious as to why the ar-tist didn't include the rest ofthe relish tray.Lack of funds?

Since this masterpiece wasn't includedon your map, maybe you could tell me whatits real name is?

Tara Danielle KelleyNew York

Celery stick, indeed! You're talking about RoyLichtenstein's B rushstroke, which has sincemoved on to another public space.

DEAR EDITORS can vouch for the ve-racity of J. J. Hun-

secker's comments on the Times's relation.ship to the New York theater community[TheTimes,Junej. In 1987 1 was involvedwith a show that experienced the negativeend of the Times's largess. In contrast tothat season's into the Woods, which receivedfive half-page articles in the daily or Sun-day Times in the weeks immediatelyfollowing its opening, our show, Teddy andAlice, received not a single free word dur-ing the nine weeks between Frank Rich'span and the item announcing that theshow was going to close. We were totallyshut out ofthe publicity machine. Criticshave the right to give a show bad reviews,but the blatant partisanship of the Timestoward certain shows and the exclusion ofall others from its pages (except insofar as

their producers can pay the Times's exorbi-tant ad rates) would amount to restraintoftrade in any industry not protected bythe First Amendment.

The most shameful practice of theTimes, however, is, as Mr. Hunseckerrightly implies, its refusal to provide abasic listing for theater productions,especially given the 20 percent premiumori theater ads over other sections of thepaper. It's yet another example of theTimes's attitude toward the commercialtheater as its private fiefdom to be mer-cilessly exploited.

Unfortunately for the theater corn-munity, the Times has a lock on theupscale audience in New York, especiallythose vital and relatively few who are will-ing to shell out full prices in the firstcritical weeks of a show's run. And unlessNewsday or the Post turns into a real corn-petitor for the Times, there is no prospectof change in this condition. No wonderthe live theater ¡s dyingpublicity is itsoxygen, and the Times is choking off thesupply to all but a favored few,

Name withheldNew York

DEAR EDrroas t is evident from "Des-perately Seeking Seri-

ousness" [by Leah Rozen,June) that py isno different from the National Enquirer, alurid, self-important scandal sheet.

Instead of condemning intelligent andcreative people for their efforts and con-tributions, why not focus your exposés onthose who create corruption and hate inour world? And if you're going to do anarticle on a Norman Lear or a FrancesLear, why not let us learn something valu-ablegive us the insight into what makesthem so successful? An article such as thatcan be colorful without being filled without-of-context anecdotes and vicious per-sonal stories that are pulled franticallyfrom left field by your desperate writers.

Sue LeibmanNew York

Lurid,sure but self-important? The Enquir-er must have changed since we last read it.

DEAR EDITORS n your June story"Plenty of Bark, No

Bite" [by Eddie Stern) you said theReverend Jesse Jackson threatened to sueMPI Home Video but backed down.

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Actually, Jackson did sueand won.The case wasJacksopz y. MP! Home Video

and is reported in 694 F. Supp. 483(N.D.I1I. 1988).

Phyllis Dubrow

Neu; York

DEAR EDrrois nn Hodgman's fasci-nating gastronomical

tour ofpet foods [Eating,June) neglectedto mention whether or not one of thePurina company's claims is true. On theback of Purina Dog Chows bags is asmall-print legend: 'Formulated to pro-mote smaller, firmer stools.'

Well, does it?N. P Bienes

New York

Ann Hodgman replies: "Uh . . . yes.

DEAR EDiTois niike Ann Hodgmanshilarious evocation of

the smells and textures ofdog food, MelikKaylans "Hellcat of the Turkish Army"[June] gives no laughs but merely reeks ofoiliness and noxious airs. What makesKaylans brand of ethnic self-debasementreally slimy, rather than just pathetic, ishis ploy ofslipping the reader constant re-minders that he, a fair-skinned, Western-educated "Brahmin,' is not one ofthemthat even if he were raised in Turkey, hewould still find the Tartar-featured prolesas physically and culturally repellent as hethinks his readers do. Perhaps ifhe spentless time in the company of lounge pro-prietress Nell Campbell and her smarmycrowd of pretentious Anglophiles andvapid Eurotrash, he might have developedinto a true cosmopolite and retained a bitof Asiatic" pride and self-restraint.

Harold Chester

New York

DEAR EDITorts was bummed out toread, in your normally

funny and astute Review ofReviewers col-umn, a bit where your writer took offJ. Hoberman simply for using a lot of bigwords in a movie review [June]. Actually,if you look at the passage cited for morethan six seconds, it turns out that thestring of nickel words is used not osten-tatiously but to build up a neat, clear lineof thought in the most economical waypossible. A lot of our problems in this

country stem from idiot Americans' notunderstanding enough big words, or theideas behind them that are too intricate tobe captured in a Siskel and Ebert vocabu-lary. That, ofcourse, is riot your fault, butal! the same, you shouldn't pick on a de-cent critic for just doing his job. Save yourvaluable bile and space for the pompousand inflated writing of show-off intellec-cual flyweighrs, and leave the pompousand inflated writing ofdecent folks tryingto think an honest thought alone.

Daniel McGrathLos Angeles. California

DEAR EDITORS n an attempt to sellour souls, achieve fame

and]or become rich, we called the numberMr. MacManus offered us on the cover ofthe June sPY, only to find a receptionistwho answered, "The Trump Organization"on the other end of the line. When wequeried as to whether the Devil was in,she nonchalantly shot back, "I'm sorry,you have che wrong number," and ab-ruptly hung up.

What are you insinuating? Does Don-aId Trump really work for Elvis Costello?uwe play Elvis tunes backward, will wehear satanic messages? liso, which songs?

Chrissy Conan!J ames Scott

Philadelphia. Pennsylvania

DEAR EDITois ure, you included awide variety of well-

known Fausts ["Doing Deals With theDevil," by Ned Zeman,June). I truly be-lieved that you could not possibly havemissed anyone deserving Faustian status.Now for an update. B. B. King has chosento carry the immense responsibility ofrepresenting the McChicken sandwich.In making this commitment to this new-est creation of the fast-food industry, heobviously never considered the inherentimage that accompanies his promotion.I see the McChicken sandwich and en-vision a wild horde of very frighteningpeople packing into a 6Z Comet for apost-bowling feast. A gun rack with twoshotguns and a baseball bat also fiddlesmy imagination.

Wade Simon Nacinovich

Oak Ridge, New JerseyWe doilt know what you're talking about, butyou're scaring us.

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DEAR EDIToRs ed Zeman comparesGordon Gekko, the

villain in the movie Wall Street, to DonaldTrump, discussing the overt symbolismof Gekkos name as a slimy reptile. How-ever, he stresses that Trump's name is"merely" an abstract symbol of somethingdisgusting.

Perhaps J can help. On a recent busi-ness trip, one of my clients, who is fromManchester, England, gleefully explainedthat the word trump is local slang for fartand that he burst out laughing every timehe heard the name.

I don't know if this is true all overEngland, or even generally in Manchestertoday, but I thought maybe you'd find ituseful information.

Claudia Bloo,nCharlotte, North Carolina

DEAR EDITORS egarding The SPY ListJ t for June, 1 thought

you might like to know you forgot JoniMitchell - or was the list not meant to beall-inclusive?

Mike HarrisArlington. Virginia

DEAR EDrros our "High Profile,Low Rent" map ["The

SPY Map ofCelebriry Rent-Control Profi-teers and Public-Assistance HousingAbusers," by Julius Lowenthal, July] putsthe kibosh on the fantasy that our housingprograms are for the poor. Anything witha controlled price will soon be in shortsupply, and so rationing is inevitable.During the oil embargo, we could only gasup every other day and had to wait online. During World War H every familywas issued ration coupons for certainfoods. In those cases we were all equal.But with rent control its them thatgot, gets.No rich or lucky recipient of a rent-con-trolled apartment has ever been known tosuggest that after, say, three years, it'ssomeone else's turn.

In the case of Mitchell-Lama I mustdispute your findings. But first, in the in-terest of full disclosure, I must admit thatI am a director ofSouthbridge Towers, aMitchell-Lama co-op. No law requires theCuomo Club or other ML resident toleave ML when they become over-income,but it is obvious that Cuoms rich friendsbroke the law by moving into ML whenthey were already over-income. In the in-

terest of bipartisanship we might alsopoint out that the D'Amato Club obtainedHUD homes on Long Island for abouthalf price.

Ruth PorterNew York

DEAR EDIToRs bout the so-calledHemingway quote,

"Rich people, etc." (From the SPY Mail-room, Mayl, E S. Fitzgerald said it but E.Hemingway wrote it. You see, the lead guyin 'Snows" was F Scott. This portrayal up-set E Scott (because the guy in "Snows"was a bit of a wimp, if I recall correctly).

So, you may have proved it by lookingup an old book, but ifyou callJ. W. Mees,who lives in Pepperell, Massachusetts,and teaches at the Lawrence Academy inGroton, he'll set your record straight.

Timothy McCabeNagano-Shi.Japan

spy welcomes letters from its readers. Addresscorrespondence to sv'. The SPY Building, 5Union Sqitare West. New York, N.Y ¡0003.Please inclnde your daytime telephone nurnbeLetters may be edi:edfor length or clarity. )

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SEPTEMBER, AND CLARITYAT LAST: THE HAZE LIFTS,THE TAN FADES, CRETINIZEDsummer minds snap to attention.By Labor Day we look back inmortified disbelief at the stupidthings we did during the sum-mer slurping up the whole vat ofmargaritas on a bet, appearing atthe black-tie wedding in stainedgreen leisurewear, paying $75 to

see Peter Townshend not even smash up his guitar, locking thebaby and the babysitter out of the apartment, letting OliverNorth off virtually scot-free. And by the Tuesday after LaborDay we actually welcome the reimposition of rigor. It feels rightto have Nixon back in China, especially now. In September,anxiety turns purposeful again. In September,we can begin fretting constructively, for in-stance, about the coming recession (buy bonds,sell stocks, do not be poor or unskilled), in-stead of fretting pointlessly about the humid-ity and the undercooked tuna and Mom corn-ing to visit. (lii It is, moreover, back-to-school time. Shirtsstarched? Hearts hardened? Pencils sharpened? Begin. All

at once, two decades after the 1960s ended, the final standingsare now coming in. "Unlike me,"Eric Clapton said of Keith Rich-

te í'nb e r,siduals from beer commercials, "he

never sold himself down the river." Speaking of six-ties heroes and unseemly destinies and fast-moving bodies ofwater, Ted Kennedy was honored by Mothers Against DrunkDrivinghe helped push through legislation that makes the

ofpeople killed by drunk. drivers eligible for federal crime-

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victim benefits. "It sounds kind ofironic out of context, doesn't it?"MADD spokeswoman Anne Rus-sell told Si»x'. And in context, even

even more so: at approxi- mately the samemoment, the grand jury that absolved Ken-nedy of any serious crime at Chappaquiddickwas said by its foreman to have been corn-promised. Finally, as if in a twentieth-anni-versary homage to her broth- er, Pat KennedyLawford made a very wrong turn of her ownat an oceanfront resort, andSouthamptonpolice charged her with drunk d r i y i n g . S h e

SEPTEMBER 1989 SPY 35

went on trial ust as her nephew Johnbecame the sexiest Manhattan assistantdistrict attorney alive.

The Supreme Court, of course, hasbeen devoting itself full-time to resolvingthe legacy of the sixties. The rulings havebeen inconsistent. Thus, the followinghandy checklist, which might spell thedifference between striking a constitu-tionally protected blow against the pigimperialist Amerikan system and strikinga blow against the pig imperialistAmerikan system that could get you inreally big trouble.

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Not yet decided by the high court is thequestion of whether Fourteenth Amend-ment protections extend to the rights ofDeadheads.

Steve Symms, the goofy right-wing richboy from Idaho, turns out to be the ulti-mate late-eighties U.S. senator. Symmswas on a junket to Brazil, touring the ray-aged, smoldering rain forestthe lace-eighties environmental epicenter. "I don'tknow what the solution is," he said, paus-ing to luxuriate in his own ignorance.Then, a late-eighties (or is it more early-nineties?) inspiration: "I know! Let's pri-:'atize the rain forest."

Here at home, another enthusiasticallygoofy rich boy of the right intends toprivatize smog in the nineties: GeorgeBush has proposed a system under whichcompanies could sell their air-pollution rights if their ownfactories were comparativelynonpolluting. There would bepollution-rights brokers, poilu-tion futures markets, pollutiontycoons. It sounds kind of ironic out ofcontext, doesn't it?

The most entertaining man who everran the federal environmental bureaucracywas, of course, former Interior SecretaryJames Watt. Watt has now changed careers,

36 SPY SEPTtMBFR 1989

transforming himself from antigovern-ment Jesus freak and national-park pri-vatizer to Washington influence peddlerand welfare profiteer. Neat trick! Wattsays he was paid $420,000 for talking tothe right people at the Department ofHousing and Urban Development on be-half of developers. "I'm nor here to de-fend the system," Watt toldgressional subcommittee io

into the HUD scealathon. Tsystem is flawed."

George Bush's nominecto be ambassador to Luxembourg, a big Republi-can contributor named FrrdBushit sounds kind of ironiout of context, doesn't it?$531,000 for his involvement in eightHUD projects. In his testimony to Con-gress, Fred Bush said that he was not afriend of a certain HUD officialandthen, later in the summer, said that he wasindeed her friend and had befriended herin order to get HUD contracts. "I don'thave a very good memory," Fred Bush saidat the second appearance. "I was not try.ing to deceive you."

When the Reverend Al Sharpton al-iegedly sucks off six-figure sums from aprogram intended to help the poor, on theother hand, he is indicted: he has beencharged with fraud and grand larceny fortaking $250,000 from a youth group heran. But Al Sharpton does not grovel. AlSharpton does not say the system is flawedor apologize for a poor memory. "J believethe attorney generai is insane," Sharptonsaid at his arraignment. Al Sharpton:nineties man in the making.

Eighties man Ronald Reagan is aboutto publish his first postpresidential book,a cobbled-together collection of stirringplatitudes about the state of the world.The former president must be puttingevery bit ofhis knowledge and insight intothe book: former aides say Reagan has

really like being president - too darn hard.Everywhere you turn, in other words,

events now routinely sound like chaptersfrom a trashy, sprawling, overheated novelof the fin de sièclea hypothetical pot-boiler we have decided to call 1999: Casi-no_ç ofthe Third Reich. Take, for instance,Malcolm Forbes's party last month in Tan.

r 550 swells. Or the eighteenth-r' American desk that sold

New York for $12.1 millionto a young American manwho is, according to his an-tiques dealer, "just starting

as [a) collector." And then,inevitably, there is Donald

Frump, recently talking aboutiself. "Whds my toughest corn-

petitor if not in content, only in style?"he asked. "Prince Charles," he answered."I'm thinking ofbecoming an entertainer,"he also said. "Liza Minnelli gets $75,000a night to sing, and I'm really curious asto how I would do."

Yes, in the blockbuster ¡999: Casinos of

the ThirdR.eich, it's noblemanlounge singerDonald Trump! Las Vegas has been,since the 1960s, the only place you couldsee the weirdly cari, Liberace-like Germanmagicians Siegfried and Roy. But now thatthe end-of-the-millennium countdown isunder way, Siegfried and Roy are pursuingtheir manifest destiny, performing for mostofthis year inJapan. The Fuji TelevisionNetwork built a $10 million Siegfried andRoy theater in Tokyo that was demolishedafter they finished their run. A second $10-million theater, built in Osaka, may also bedemolished when the Siegfried and Royshow closes. Later this month, Siegfriedand Roy play Radio City Music Hall, whichwill not be demolished after Siegfried andRoy leave - at least not right after. "lt'sprestidigitation at its max," says their man-ager, one of nearly a thousand colorfulcharacters in ¡999: Casinos oft/,e Third Reich.

Elsewhere in the Axis, West Germanshave just elected seven neo-Nazis mcm-bers of the newly formed RepublicanPartyto the European parliament. Theleader of the party and delegation isFranz Schönhuber, a former Waffen-SSofficer and former TV talk-show host."One must now reckon with us," Schön-huber announced. Just what that meansshould become clear in future chapters of1999: Casinos ofthe Third Reich, but out ofcontext - One must now reckon with iii!- itsounds kind of ironic, doesn't it?)

Iseemed ignorant of currentevents (Mommy tells me they had

quite a diistup over in TeheranSquare with the students burningthe flag and all) recently. ButKen Khachigian, Reagan's for-

mer speech writer, says, "I don't think thatbothers him. It's a matter of his finallysaying, 'Jeez, for eight years I had to playthat game (of pretending to know whatwas going oni, and now I don't have to doit anymore." In other words, he didn't

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byjamie Mtilanowski

CATCH A FALLING STARAND DOCUMENT IT"And when I die, and whenIm gone,' wrote Laura Nyroon behalf of rock n roll per.formers everywhere. chereilbe one child born. and thisworld co carry on." Plus, insome cases, oficial reports.

Civil Atrona,aks Board Air-croft Accident Report. FileNo. 2-0001: Bc«h Bonanza.

N 3 794N. Mason Cit Iowa.

Fthraary .3, 1959. ins'olving

Buddy Holly. Ritchie Va/ens

and thc Big Bopper

'Synopsis: A Beech Bonan.za . . . crashed at night approx.imately 5 miles northwest ofthe Mason CIty MunicipalAirport . . . at approximately0100. . . . The pilot and threepassengers were killed. ...

This accident. . . was causedby the pilots decision coundertake a flight in whichthe likelihood of encounter-ing instrument conditionstbad weather] existed . . . with-

ouc having che necessaryfamiliarization with che in-scruments in the aircraft. . .

lrzves(igation: Charles1-lardin (HoIlyl,J. P. Richard-son (the Big Hopper), andRichard Valenzuela [Vakns]were. . . appearing in ClearLake. Iowa, che night ofFebruary 2, 1959. The follow-ing night they were to appearin Moorhead, Minnesota.Because of bus trouble . . .

40 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

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LAST MARCH, ACTOR TIM MATHESON and TV pro-ducer DAN GR0DNIK pulled off a hostile takeover ofthe National Lampoon and its sister publication,Heavy Metal. Now, having so far failed in their em-barrassingly exhaustive search for an editor willingto revive the Lampoon to the duo's exactingspecifications (the directive being lots morehilarious 'Are You a Homo?" articles "Now, that'sfunny!" they told Manhattan, inc.), the newpublishers are reportedly looking for all the help,and cash, they can get. The ideal choice to helpthem salvage a nose-diving juvenile humor maga-zinc? According to sources in Los Angeles, noneother than MIKE MILKEN, the nose-diving indictedfinancier. Mike, the pitch goes, we need 3.5 mill. Wefi gure we can selloffHeavy Metalforpartofit. Milken,impressively acute given the low-rent propertyunder discussion, has a brainstorm: No. Don't sellHeavy Metal market it injapan. Those people loveerotic sci-fi adventure comics. Nods of agreement allaround. But Milken isn't through. I'll raise the money

you need, the jaunty, confident, curly'haired"billionaire announces, in six monthswhen i'mthrough with this whole legal mess.

INDEED, IT SEEMS THAT EVERYBODY with a money-losing publishing relic ofthe 1970s is counting onJ apanese subsidies. The editors of a Japanesefashion magazine with a peculiar English-languagetitle, 03 Tokyo 2aiing, were in New York not longago making the usuaijapanese-fashion-magazine re-porting rounds (i .e. , gathering soon-to-be-amusingly-mistranslated quotes about Lou REED, ISSEY MIYAKE

and SoHo from various avatars of hip). Naturally,they found themselves in the offices of interview,

where, upon concluding their business, they offeredthe magazine a small honorarium, in line withJapanese custom. Previous interview subjects haddeclined the largess, patiently explaining Americanmores. But the Interviewees, alluding to vague "ex-penses," requested that thejapanese cough up a con-siderably larger cash sum. The spirit of ANDY lives.

M. MIucN M. D0WNEYjR. A. SPELLING

IN THIS AGE OF PUBLIC-RELATIONS FAKERY andmarket-research-generated television personalities,it's refreshing to know that there's at least oneTV star who is just the same offscreen as he ison. That's MowroN DOWIIEY JR., the poor man's em-bodinient of the First Amendment. One recentmidnight, Downey, who lives in swanky TrumpTower, pulled up to the brass-colored entrance inan extradeluxe, ultralong black limousine. Hehopped out and engaged in some male-bondingrepartee with a doorman, then opened the limosrear door to give the lucky fellow a quick leer at thepreternaturally relaxed-looking, virtually unclothedyoung woman slumped in the back seat. Afterslamming the door and exchanging some gesturesofthe winking/lip-smacking/hand-rubbing varietywith the grinning doorman, Downey walked aroundto the driver's windo threw his head back and, ina manner befitting a tenant of such a building,roared: "Take that bitch home!"

IT'S HARD TO JMAGINE a writer-producer-vulgarianas prolific as AARON SPELUNG getting writer's block,It's especially hard to imagine given that Spelling isequipped with a ready and willing ghostwriter,courtesy of the white-shoe book publishers Little,Brown & Co,, and that the writing being blocked isSpelling's autobiography. It's not that he's stuck formaterial. On the contrary. After a number of tape-recorded sessions with the man who confectedDynasty and Fantasy island, among many other im-portant programs, the ghostwriter discovered Spell-ing's version ofhis life to be rather more wonderfulthan the facts suggested. After delicately raisingthe matter several times with Spelling, the amanu-ensis found that he continued to fabulize self-servingly. Now, bewildered by all this unexpectedfact-checking, Spelling is considering scrappingthe memoir altogether. Instead (take heart, booklovers) he will likely produce a text-light, photo-filled coffee-table volume featuring his 65,000-square-foot, $45 million Holmby Hills mansion.

, .-

/_7

THE ILLUSTRATED HISTORY OF HAIR, PART VIA Visit With Tom Oliva, Barber to the Mayoral Contenders

"Id Koch and Rudolph Giuliani don't have much in common: one is an overfed, sports-hating, soft-rock-loving Democrat who affected obliviousness while his friends robbed the municipal treasury; theother is a pious, hollow-cheeked, Yankee- and opera-loving Republican who prosecuted Koch's pals. ButKoch and Giuliani do share two things: they want to be mayor, and for the past ten years they have hadthe same barber, Tom Oliva. From his chair at EVT Barber Shop in the Woolworth Building, Olivashared with Spy his intimate impressions of how the two contenders stack up, haircut-wise.

How ¡s his hair doing? In decline: Koch has been a cue ball from In moderate decline; early stages of balding. Butthe word go. He has 932 hairs on his head Giuliani takes very good care of his hair'

Candidatos' philosophy 'Arc OU kidding?. . .It's messy He never Traditional, early comb-over. His hairstyle hasof hair governonce combs it" always been the same .... He's receding a little bit,;

so he combs it down to cover his baldness, but heisn't that bald. It's just the way he combs his hair'

Who's more lively? "Ed Koch looks beat when he comes in. For "Giuliani is a . . , personable guy," says Oliva. 'Hesthat halfhour he just dies. He likes to sleep" a real gentleman," interjects Oliva's partner Vito

What does the candi- "He's witty. He gets his little one-liners and "His family. He talks about his boy"date like to talk about? puns in"

¡s the condidatc a good Yestipper?

WhatclsedoeiOlivacut Nose hair, car hair, eyebrows Nose hair, ear hair, eyebrowsfor the candidato?

Will Olivo givc us o lock Noof the candidate's hair? Eddie Stern

PUBLIC LIVES OF PUBLIC FIGURES1 ' (

T4 j - rc. ¡

John Cardinal O'Connor ,nakes a totally impromptu visit

to the Bronx, thrilling stunned passersby.

ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN

THE SPY usi

Leonore Annenberg

Jean-Michel Basquiat

Barbara Bosson

Jim Carroll

Lauren Chopin

Joan Crawford

Bob Dylan

Clark Gable

Denise Hale

Leona Helmsley

Lotte Lenya

Michael Paré

Carroll Petrie

Lotee Rodkin

TNt uNI PRINT CONTINUID

these thce decided . . . wcharter an aircral't co flyto . . , che nearest airport toMoorhead,

"At approximately 1730,Pilot (Roger) Peterson went cothe Air Traffic Communica'tions Station (ATCS). . . co

obtain the necessary weatherinformation. . . . Ac 2200 andagain at 2320 Pilot Petersoncalled ATCS. . . . He was ad-vised that the stations enrouce'were reportingccilings of 4200feet or better with visibilitiesstill 10 miles or greater.

'The passengers arrived ...about 0040. While the airScraft was bcing taxied . . . Peter'son called ATCS and askedfor the latest . . . weather. Thiswas given him as not havingchanged materially en route;however, the local weatherwas now . . .ceiling 3,000 feet,sky obscured; visibility 6miles; light snow ...

'A normal takeoff wasmade at 0055. . . . When Peter'son did not report . . . soonalter takeoff (ATCSI . . . re

peatedly tried to reach himbut was unable to do so. Thetime was approximately 0100.

"Alter an extensive airi search, the wreckage . . . was

sighted in an open field...(chat] was level and coveredwith about four inches ofsnow, , . . Examination of thewreckage indicated chat thefirst impact with the groundwas made by the right wingtip when the aircraft was ina steep right bank and in anose-low attitude. . fand)was traveling at high speed. ...Parts werc scattered over adistance of 540 feet, at theend ofwhich the main wreck.age was found lying against abarbed wire fence. The threepassengers were thrown clearof the wreckage.

"Analy.cis: It is believedthat , . . Peterson entered anarea of complete darknessand one in which there wasno definite horizon . . . [re'quiringi him to rely solely onflight instruments. . . . Thehigh gusc' winds . . , wouldhave caused (the instru-ments] to fluctuate to such anextent that an interpretation ...would have been difhcult to apilot as inexperienced asMr. Peterson.

AUGUST 1989 SPY 41

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tul lt1( PIP1T COHTIHUID

C,nzcI,i,c:o,,: The Boardconcludes chat . . . Pcwrson . .

could havc 1)CCOfflC confusedand thotht that h vas making L c1iinIing tuns whcn inreality he was making a de-scenduig turn.

Cormer. Parish af

'atch,ioJ;e.. Lea.usia,a,

!PlrcsIig(4dión 22P CRJamtJceph Cn;

On September 20. 1973.at approxirnaccly 10:45 p.m..an old. cwin-cngine Bccch-craft D-18 airplane . . . left thc4.100 foot runway with bothcngincs apparcncly function-ing normally as rcporced bywitnesses. The plane failed tog.tiu .tldcudc. veered to theleft striking some trees vhercinthe left wing was corned (jic)off. spinningihe plane around.then striking an embank-ment. coming to rest un theedge of an incninplcccd high-way by-pass. ...

The body ofjamcs Croce(male rock and roll vocalistentertainer) was found in chertght front !rtt. The remainswere removed and taken rothe . . . Morgue lot examina-tïon. He had been decapitatedand had multiple fractures ofthe extremities. . . . Time ofdeath was 10:45 i.mn instantin nature.

"Thc victinis had dill'crcnctype drugs in their clothing.Several packets of marijuanaalso were discovered. . . . TheFederal Aviation Administra-hOu . . . failed to detect anyevidence ofdrugs or alcoholi n the submitted spec imnenseither of che pi1or . . . or ofJ anises Joseph Croce......

Ps/icr De't'artmest. ¡tl,di-,i,z. t':jco,zim. OfficeriRepo'i. Cau No. 4798'4.P/anr Crzih- DmwiI.n lareili-

galion . D«m;nbcr JO. 1967.

iflhi,lviflg 011a Recidi sg

Ben Cauky. the survivor . .

stated therc were eight per-sons aboard the- airerati.which departed from Ckve-land . . . and was scheduled toav non-stop to Madison. . .

About I amo. Saturday.12-9-67. the group was at theNashville airport and Caulcyoverheard a mechanic [say]that the lauery system on theaircraft was not at full

2 SPY SkPIEMBER 1989

SAY Ii AIN'T NhWe Again Are Making Sport at OiirJapanese Friends

ure, the Japanese have been knocking theAmerican economy around since 1945. And yes.their Yamahas get better mileage than our Harteys.But a few Yankee traditions remain unimprovedupon. For all their imitative zeal, the Japanesehave not fully mastered our national pastime, or atleast its verbal nuances, despite baseballs presencein Japan since an American professor introducedit in 1873, three years before the National Leaguewas founded. To wit:

(I) A player explains his slump:"I don't know what is wrong. I am seeing theball well. I feel I am in good condition. I ameating well and my bowel movements are regu-lar. I must ask the batting coach for guidance

(2) Excerpt from the Chunichi Dragons' fightsong:

Fighting nobly unto deathYea, even in death you will stand firmWith a strategy keen as a glittering gemThirty thousand clapping hands blOSSOm

Your back to the wall, about to breathe yourI ast

A sayonara home run turns the tideIn the corners of every fan's eyesHot tears will glisten again.Dragons, Dragons, DragonsChunichi, Chunichi, ChunichiGuts! Thrust and advance with guts!"

(3) An article in Bësiebörn [Baseball] magazine:BASEBALL DIET CORNER: SNAKES, FROGS AND

OTHER ENERGY ODS

(4) Team slogans:Protect the One RunConquer with YouthLiving BaseballDynamic and Precise

Baseball

Burning BaseballCourage BaseballClean BaseballGet Brainy and BrawnyJump, Jump Whales

(5) An interview with the superstar slugger Shi-geo Nagashima:

Q: What u'ouldyou do ifthere was a power failureu'he,, you were talking with your girlfriend?A: I would not take advantage ofthe darkness.I would never grab her hand, because I'm agentleman. I would wait quietly until the lightscame back on.Q: How nuch can you drink?A: I'm weak at alcohol.

(6) A Japanese team official, who had made a

o -I'

point of learning colloquial English, was invitedto dinner by an American baseball player, andgreeted his hostess, "Jesus Christ, it's fucking hottoday, isnt it?"

(7) The Japanese press, upon learning that JoePepitone wore a toupee, speculated that prematurebaldness explained his failure to succeed as aplayer injapan in [973.

(8) Legendary slugger Sadaharu Oh on the natureof sports competition:

"The sound oía wave is an ordinary happen-ing in this world...

But who can sound the wave a hundred feetbelow?"

(9) Oh on his peculiar batting stance:"The one-footed scarecrow stands in the

rice paddy.Why does it stand there

with a rainhat over its bead'hen the sun is shining brightly

(10) A typical baseball pen pal's letter:"I am a fan ofChunichi, Lotte, Hanshin, highschool baseball, university baseball [and)Elton,John. . . . Please, someone write to me."

Ted V'id,ner

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ÌOAvi DUKE, MR. REPUBHCAN I'

I.he Fô,,rth in Our Series ofChau With the (7oP: Exciting bing Superitar

?HI W( SIMT COITIHUID

powcr. . While enroute toMidison. (:aulcy tdll .Iccp¿nd s suddenly wakcncdand rxpericncd clic scns.iclon that the arraft ws in aspiri and falling. He statedthat . the piatte was losingaltitude At sui:h a rapid talc.ht? lOUnd it dithcult to breatheIle immediately unlasccncdhis seatbelt. and grabbed¿n objec. possibly some kindot cushion, and the airaaftplunged into the lake. I k as.sumes the airratt brokeapart. as he found himselffree ut the wrekagc in thewater. . Ile heard RonnieCatdelI calling for help.and started towards Caidwell(o aid Inns. however Caidwelldisappeared. . . . He also heardCarl Cunningham alling forhelp. hut stated Cunning.ham . . . too disappeared.Within i te minutes. thepolic boat arrived. and hewas rescued. ..

(TIic next morningi wcproceeded tO . . . the disasterscene. . [andi proLerded todrag che area. . . . On thClr secS

ond [try) OW. (:ampbell andBraun recovered the (bodvlofOtis R.edding . . A ropewas tied to che body . . . and

when he was pulled to thesurface it was bund that hewas still strapped to his seat.He was also wearing carphones. . . There was a headwound on Redding. right be.tweeti his eyes. pttis severalother csits around the taceand neck. . . . A search of thebody . . . produced otte Bulovawatch. one black leather bill.fold. and SO2.00 in &ash. Ialso reiniwed a package of asubstance similar to rnarihuana that was wrapped intintoil (rom the right insidecoat pocket of Redding. ...

This will be analyzed todetermine il it is marihuanaor 01)1

PULITZER PRIZE WINNERWANNABES IllThey gave out Pulitzers againthis year. and. as usual. it as

lcss increscing to see whowon than to sec who wasnominatedwho. in oilierwords. is othciallv n favorwith the boss.

(h .'cg4 'irk fnwt'J otiered35 nominations this year.

46SPY SFPhMBER I')89

oulsiana statc rpresenrative David Duke hasalways becn & patriotic southerner. and now heSsa dashing Republican statesman putting partychairman Lec Atwater's southern strategy intopractice. True, the New Orleans phone directorystill lists the address of Representative Dukeshome as that of the local Ku Klux Klan head'cuarters, hut, as this f'reshrnan Republican has ex-plained any number of times to an unfrgivingnational press, thatcjiiit in cait anybodyfrorn hi Klan

days z 'ants to get in iori/' lib him.

SPY: Repreientati: e Dithe, theres bepi talk laiel oJ your

rialniPig for the ¡_.: S. Senate next yeas' do you harte a?!)

national aspiralioni?Duk.: l've always had a political agenda. I thinkthat the way you change things is through politics,and l've always been opposed to violence or ille.gality Fve always condemned that. So it's naturalfor me to take part in the politica! process. Thereare a lot of people talking to me about running,but that's kind of premature right noSPY: Let 'j just say there u 'a.s Prejidep,: Duke, suddenly.

''T

he mayor can't help it: he sees a developer. hegrovels. How else to explain the latest good deedhe performed for Mort Zuckerman's BostonProperties?

In 1985. as you will recall, the Koch administra-tion agreed to sell the Coliseum site to a partner.ship of Boston Properties and Salonion Brothersfor $455 million in cash and $40 million in sub'way improvements. But after the stock marketcrash in 1987, Salomon Brothers walked awayfrom the deal. lt was an expensive decision; in

u, u.ould you do to change A ,nerica s posture abroad?

Duke: Ud stop trying to stab countries that are ourfriends in the hack. like South Africa. I think weneed to start listening to the American public in-stead of' to the 'er very powerful Zionist lobby.SPY: What do yoi knou about thisJill's Neu rk nay-

oral race1Duke: Very little. You show me their programs, andI can tell you which one I'd be for.SPY: W'ell. the-e Ron Lauder on the right. and Rudolph

Gthlianl. iiore or less in the center. and ofcourse .layor

Kmh.

Duke: Koch isnt a Republican, is he?SPY: He ran on the Republican ticket in 198!.Duke: I didnt realize that. Koch is aRepublican now?SPY: Ile sort of floats.Duke: He's a 'egisiered Repib/icanSPY: He ran as oie.Duke: I always thought of him as a Democrat.

Next installment: Representative Duke on what itmeans to be an American. - Guy Martin

REAT HIM NICE, Boïs HE'S A DEYflOPER!Hou' Ed !c;,1-h i Paying ,%lot't Zuckernian to Sta)' at (,olumbus Circle

order to back our of its agreement, Salomon wasobliged to pay $39.8 million to the city and S 13.9-million to Boston Properties.

And what did the city do with its $39.8 millionwindfall? ltgave the money to Boston Properties inreturn for Boston Properties's promise to pay itback someda) without interest. In other words, notonly didn't the city dump a developer who had leta deal unravel, and not only didn't the city reopenthe bidding on one ot the most valuable and sig-nificant pieces of public land left in Manhattan,hut it presented the developer with whatsome could construe as a S 39.8 million gift.

Under the latest deal, Boston Properties willeventually have to pay the city $337 million in cashand a mere $4 mil/ion in subway improvementsfor the Coliseum site, but for now the city's $39.8-million can be used any way Boston Propertieswantsto underwrite a portion of US. Neu's &World Report's weekly losses, to finance Zucker-man's manic private plane schedule. Or it couldjust sit in a mutual fund somewhere and earn moremoney. How much might Zuckerman have made ifhe had invested the money that the city graciouslyallowed him to keep? Let's say that when BostonProperties got the money in December 1987,Zuckerman put it in a mutual fund. such as, say.the Kaufmann Fund, which has produced a 107.1nercent return on its ¡nvestors' mone' over theIastl8rnonths. Boston Properties would have col-lected $42.6 million in pure profit from whatcould have been the city's monc

Had the city had those funds available, it couldhave hired at least 1,634 new police officers, paidthe salary of a shrewder, more developer'proof new

mayor in 1990. and still bad the $39.8million in the bank. - Eddie Stern

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an increase of three over lastyear, though still fewer than1986, when 42 stories or re-porters wcrc cntcicd. Executiveeditor Max Frankel offered23 nominations: reportersR. W. AppleJr.. Josh Barba.nel,Jane E. Brody, FrancisX. Clines, EJ. Dianne Jr..Maureen Dowd. eventualprizewinner Bill Keller (twice).John Kimner, Gina Kolata,David Margolick, DouglasMartin, Anna Quindlen,Frank Rich, George Vecseyand Michael Winerip; pho.tographers PauJ Hosefros(twice) and Keith Meyers;and the whole darn staff forthe papers coverage of the1988 Summer Olympics, thehousing desegregation crisisin Yonkers, the Tawana Braw-ley investigation and thecrisis at America's nuclear-bomb plants. The estimabletask oínominanng the mcm-bers of the editorial boardand columnist A. M. Rxsen-thaI was left ro publisherArthur Ochs Sulzbcrger.

The Times total was paddedwich two non;ournalisticnominations: reporter DennisHavcsi was nominated byGeorge McDonald, executivedirector ofThe Doe FundInc., and Clines (again) wasnominated for his reporting from Belfast by his wife,Kathleen ConniffClines. In

addition, medical reporterLawrence K. Altman. M.D.,was sufficiently impressed byhis own ciforts, even if hissuperiors werent, to enterhimself four cimes.

The Daily Neu;s filed 19 en-tries: Washington editor Lars-Erik Nelson; columnists BobHerbert. Gail Collins andMike McAlary: critic-at-largeDavid Hinckley; sportswritersMike Lupica and Filip Bondy;editorial-page editor MichaelPakcnham; cartoonists PaulRigby and Bill Gallo; report.ers Charlcs W. Bell, RichardT. Pienciak. Ruth Landa, JimDudd1 Bob Kapstatrer, 'l'onyMarcano, Don Gentile andNatalie Byfield. The Neuialso nominated Jack Ncwfleldand ibm Robbins, whom theylured from TI,e Village Vois-c.specifically citing a story onState Comptroller Ned Regansshenanigans that che

18 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

SEPARATER AT BIRTH?

Jimmy Carter .

I

and Lampwick (romPinocchio?

Dick Caven ,..

Patti LuPone -..

and Ted Bundy'

and Miss Manners(Judith Martin)?

THE NEW, IMPROVED

[,ii SMITH

TOTE BUAROA Monthly Tally

Elizabeth Taylor ......................... once every 3.7 days

Nancy Reagan ...........................once every &3 daysRoseanne Barr ...........................once every 65 daysCher ...........................................once every 6.5 daysKevin Costner ............................ once every 6.5 daysMalcolm Forbes ......................... once every 6.5 daysMichael Jackson ........................ once every 6.5 days

Madonna ...................................once every 6.5 daysJackie Onassis ........................... once every 65 daysDiane Sawyer .............................once every 65 daysMirobello ...................................once every 6.5 daysBeverly Sills ...............................once every 81 daysCarol Channing .......................... once every 13 daysSanDomenico ............................ once every 13 daysRosey Grier ................................. once every 26 daysSPY ...............................................once every 26 days

.

J-.. ..;

OCROING IN CUR TIME

"Our greatest living historical novelist"Anthony Burgess on Gore Vidal's Lincoln

"There is no other writer like him."

Vidai on Burgess's Little Wilson and Big God

"Reading Madison Smartt Beil is like watching a jug-gier do it with 200 apples, 500 oranges, and a coupleof newborn kittens,"

Carolyn Chute on Madison Smartt Bell'sWaiting for the End of the World

"Quite possibly the only truly originol stylist this lastten or fifteen years has produced."

- Bell on Chute's Letourneous Used Auto Ports

"We await new Jenkins novels like children anticipat-ing Christmas morning."

- Bob Greene on Dan Jenkins's Dead Solid Perfect

"I would go almost anywhere to read a Bob Greenecolumn,"

Jenkins on Greene's Cheeseburgers

- Howard Kaplan

My pal Donald Trump . . said that siY magazine isin trouble financially and will not be around muchlonger. I chided the handsome mogul, ofwhom Iam very fond . . . that he should not indulge in wish-ful thinking. He said, 'No, you'll find this is trueif yOU just investigate. I predict they won't even bearound in a year."

Liz Smith in the

Daily News,

..-'::;: September 29. 1988

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writers carted over (rom theVoia when they emigratedlast June.

The New York Post, in a sig-nificant departure from thedays when Rupert Murdochthought so little ofhis jour-nalists work that he wouldnominate just one columnist,submitted 13 nominationsincluding city editor DougFeiden. new editor JerryNachman, 'ISV critic DavidBianculli and cartoonist BayRigby. The Village Vola, in asignificant departure fromthe days when the edito?s en-tries numbered in the doublefigures. many of the nomineescultural critics and essayists,sent in only three entries:Playthell Benjamin for hiscoverage of the Brawley inves-tigation; Guy Trebay specifi-caLly, and the paper generally,for a ten-part story on theSouth Bronx. The Neu' York

Obiertier nominated MichaelM. Thomas.

The Wall SireetJournal had20 entries, including ManuelaHoelterhoff, Raymond A. Soko-by and Lee Lescaze. Newsday

had 35 nominations, includ-ing Marvin Kitman, LindaWiner, M . G. Lord and sub-way correspondent JamesDwyer.

Four ofsvs favorite jour-nalists were entered this year:Rosenthal; William F. Buck.leyJr., by the Daily News; EricBreindel, by the New YorkPos:; and Bob Greene, by theChicago Tribune. Other promi-nent writers who were nomi-nated by their employersinclude Robert Hilburn,JimMurray, Paul Conrad andDavid Shaw of the Loi Angeles

Times; Carl Sagan and PeterMaas of Parade Magazine; BobWoodward, Walter Pincusand David Hoffman of The

Washington Pos: for their serieson George Bush; RichardCohen and Lou Cannon, alsoof the Post; Herb Caen of theSan Francijeo Chronicle; Chris-topher Matthews and MichaelSragow of the San Francisco

Examiner; Jack Germond andJules Witcover of The Ba/ti-more Evening Sun: Molly Ivinsof the Dallas Times Herald;and Allen 'BusCapade" Neu-harth, chairman of USA Today,for his "various reports

50 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

SEPTEMBER

DATEBOOKEnchanting and

Alarming EventsUpcoming

2-4 Woodstock Fairin Woodstock,Connecticut. Anordinary, sweet,small-town fair,indistinguishable fromany other small-townfair, but particularlyappealing tomisinformed teenagersand aging hippies.3 The day before LaborDay. Radio stationsacross the country begintheir tradicional Top200 Rock Songs ofAll Time countdown,Twenty-four hoursof suspense follow,while listenersbreathlessly await theannouncement of theNo. i song, which iseither "Stairway toHeaven" or "Free Bird"4 Labor Day. Named,some say, for all thelabor and all the love

from all the people whomake thejerry LewisLabor Day Telethon themarvelous people-to-people event that it is.Stay up as long as Jerrydoes, and by the endyou'll be crying andbehaving erratically,too-7 As good a day as anyto observe Cable TVMonth, as we haveevery September sinceway back in 1977.Celebrate by stayinghome from work whileyou wait for the cable-installation guy tocome, Eventually giveup_ Celebrate in chesame way tomorrow,and so on,lo National PetMemorial Day,according to cheInternationalAssociation of PetCemeteries, whichencourages you to"memorialize a person'sdeceased pet" today.

Remember the turtleyou put in a shoe boxand buried in thebackyard? Rememberhow the dog dug it upand ate part of it? Thismuch memorializingshould be sufficient.11 0. Henry was bornon this day in 1862.(Surprise ending: hewrites hundreds andhundreds of storiesbut dies anyway,)12 Barry White is 45.14 Koreans celebrateChusok by payinghomage to ancestorsand guardian spirits,Expect a more festiveair at the cornervegetable stand - but,as always, beware thesalad bar.19 San GennaroFestival in Little Italyand other locationsworldwide, Ofcourse the

T EN YEARS AGO I N SPY

4"Here's how the scam works: Dressed in lab coats, Fairbairn and

Patterson dim the auditorium lights and throw a switch on the side ofwhat appears to be a fish tank with a thicket of wires attached to it.'Ladies and gentlemen,' Fairbairn intones, 'hydrogen nuclei from the

heavy water are becoming compressed within the palladium rods, andthe device is producing more energy than it is consuming. You arewitnessing the end of the energy crisis: controlled nuclear fusion,'

At that point you can hear the checkbooks snapping open.Before the evening is over, Fairbairn and Patterson will have

taken in another $1 million,"

Ifrom "Would You Buy a Used H-bomb from This Man?,"

.

by David Owen, spy, September 1979

carnival whirligig on theback ofthejlatbed truckis safe, Right? There mustbe some official guy who

checks ii, right? Right?You go first.

21 Society for theEradication ofTelevision Conventionin Albuquerjue, NewMexico. To paraphraseGil Scott-Heron, thisconvention will not betelevised,23 National Huntingand Fishing Day, byJ immy Carter'spresidenti alproclamation. Shoot adeer, angle for bass orbeat a crazed,swimming giant rabbitwith an oar,30 Feast of Saint Je-rome, the patron saintof librarians and schol-ars. Jerome is probablythe correct saint topray to when yourcomputer seems to haveevaporated a 10,000-word manuscript.)

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of internationat events.Lawrence Altman wasnt

the only reporter to nornntehimself. Others who thoughtwell oftheir own work in-cluded Nat Hentoff, for col-umns in The Washington Pout:Richard Kotuk. a freelancerfor The Fait Hampton Star:Karen Dc Crow. the formerpresident of NOW. who. asshe also did last year, nomi-naed herself for work in vari-ous publications: James K.Glassman. the editor of RollCall and a New Republic con-tributor, who nominated twostories he wrote with otherreporters.Judy Mann of The

Waihingion Post: Wilbert A.Tatum >f The l\eu' YorkAmsterdam News; and RonCurran, tl)e city editor ofL.A. Weekly. who nominatedhimself and two other re-porters for articles on gangwarfare and nominated him-self for his political coverage.All of them dreamed thedream that Penny Loch of?\Teu, rk Neusday lived: over-looked by her superiors. shenominated herself this i-earfor her terrific story onMitchell-Lama ahuses, andwas lauded as a runner-up bythe Pulitzer judges.

THEY MIGHT BECH EA PSKATES

From a rider to a perfor-mance contract for the groupThe)' Might Be Giants:27. HOSPITALITY

Purchaser agrees to pro-vide, at his sole cost and cx-pense, the following:

Continuous hot tea withhoney and lemon

Four (4) hot meals and ont(I) fresh vegetable/salad tray

One (1) pot of fresh coffeeready one-half hour beforeArtist's performance

Two (2) large bottles ofPcrricr, seltzer or club soda(with lemons and limes)

One (l)gallon of orangejuice

Twelve (12) bottles oí im-ported beer

One (I) bottle ofJim Beamor I. W. Harper bourbon

One (I) pair 100% cottonmen's briefs (new) size 34

Four (4) pairs 100% cot-ton mens white athletic orcrew socks (new) size large' )

5 SPY SEP1'EMBF.R I99

j'1"re would yií go after the mayoral dcc-tion ifyou were a paunchy politician who has beendecisively rejected by the voters? You wouldn't wantto move back to your Greenwich Village apart-ment, because most of your neighbors would bepeople who voted you out. Moreover, you couldn'tget the typical service New Yorkers expect, be-cause more of the people who voted you out wouldget back at you by holding up the delivery of yourmail, laundry and take-out wontons.

So you'd have to go out for everything, whereyou'd run into even more people who voted againstyou, and since this is New York, they wouldn't bevery polite. They'd say things like "You let buildersdo anything they wanted and really screwed thiscity up!" and 'Hey, Ed, how ya dom'?" with aderisive snigger

Soon you would feel obliged to go elsewhere.Where would that be? In a gesture of friendship,we called the representatives oflikely depositoriesand asked whoever answered, "Would you admitour soon-to-be ex-mayor, Edward I. Koch, and lethim live out his days in bitter but harmless exile?"

The first place we called was Elba. Would theisland made famous 175 years ago as the retire-ment home of a paunchy emperor take in themayor? Speaking for Elba, Angela Appetiti at theItalian embassy in Washington said, "It's entirelyup to you where you want to send him. We don'treally have an opinion." We took that as a yes.

The Philippines also makes sense. After all,Marcos came to our country, where he got a bighouse in Hawaii with a view of the Pacific, and ade facto absolution of his crimes against his peo-pie. We wondered: could we get the same deal forKoch? So we called the Philippine consulate andreceived a telephonic example of oneman-one-vote democracy at work. Mr. Martinjose, the per-son who answered the phone, polled everyone inthe room. "We're split," he said. "lt's a tie vote."

We called several other places as well. Thewoman who answered the phone at the Australianconsulate said, "Personaily, I'd say no. But ofliciallyAustralia takes about 140,000 immigrants everyyear. Some are refugees. If he's a refugee, perhapswe can take him as such." Miss Blaize, the ConsulGeneral ofGrenada (the island paradise and formercommunist threat), turned the question right backat us. "What's the problem with him staying in hisown country?" she asked. When we told her, shesaid, "I'll have to call my government for instruc-tions_" We are awaiting Grenada's final decision.

England regarded the question on two levels,

LOOKING AHEAD TO KOCH: THE YEARS IN EXILEA SPY Oittp/acernen: Service:

Who Wi/i Give the Mayor-for-Life Sanctuary Once the Voters Teil Hirn to Move On?

"Technically, there's nothing to prevent him," said aspokeswoman at the British consulate. "Hypo-theticaily, I wouldn't know how people would reactto him. He'd have to go find out for himself,"

What about closer to home but still safely dis-tant from New Yorksay, the state of Maine?Biddeford town clerk Luc Angers is waiting tothrow out the welcome mat for Mr. Koch, "Ourdoors are open to anyone. He's just as welcome asQ ueen Elizabeth or the pope. Maine is a prettyfriendly state, I don't think we'd reject anyone fromEd Koch to George Bush,"

Alas, Mr. Angers spoke too soon, Ici Kenne-bunkport, vacation home ofGeorge Bush, the re-action to our query was more traditionally DownEast. "We really don't think a whole hell of a lot ofNew Yorkers," said a man at the town office whowouldn't give his name, "So we don't want a NewYork politician here." Make a note, Ed: Biddeford,not Kennebunkport.

Folks in Bear Creek, Alabama, on the otherhand, demonstrated real southern hospitalitywhen we called them. "He can come right downand we'll add him to our collection of nuts," saidformer town clerk Ava McCurly. "He can just roamfree on the streets with the rest of them," Andin that respect, it will seem just like home,

- R,andi Hacker andJackie Ka:tfman

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wow! SPY FASHION ALERT! IT'S AN ALL-POINTS BULLETIN!In New York's Ultrahip East Village, Undercover Cops Are Sporting Hot New Looks for the Nineties

s ever in the hyperbohemian East Village, a protestdemonstration was about to get under way. But and what elsewould you expect in this avant-la-mode neighborhood? afathiondemonstration was already in progress! At Tompkins SquarePark, a fresh crowd of trendsetters was out in force with theirnew seventies-i nfluenced, nineties-ready, faux-chump style. Call

it the Retro-Beefy Look, call it Folk De Niro, call it the Un-ModSquadwhatever the name, a wildly different fashion sense hastaken over the streets in New York's hippest precinct. Let the oldguard insist that summerwear show as much as possiblethenew order says, with a certain stern, officially licensed authority,l'nego! something to hide. The mood now: undercover is outasight!

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Ji:i,st ti Sertes: SPY Celebrates Show Biz S,irvsvürs

IF KAYE BALARn SAYS IT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD ENVH FOR ME

ormer journalist Linda Ellerbee has been getting a lot of pressabout the ersatz special news reportscumTV commercials shedid for Maxwell House coffee, in which she introduced colorfulvideotaped field reports from Willard Scott. But Ellerbec wasn'tthe first to sell out in this particularly misleading fashion. In

fact, she's in rather distinguished company.They come out late at night, when the sane are asleep and

Star: Dick ClarkProduct Gary Smalley's - ' "HiddenKeys to Loving Relationships" intimacyseminar on audio- and videocassettesFormat Clark interviews Smalley on "IsThere Love After Marriage?," ersatz Dona-

hue, and takes questions from audiencePersuasive Reason for Buying Product:Smalley's technique will teach "how toenergize your mate in 60 seconds'Reason Given by Star for Demeaning Him-self in This Fashion: Clark, who has beendivorced twice, may have been intriguedby Smalley's claim that technique teachesmen 'how to value your wife"Most Exciting Claim: Smalley claims he in-terviewed over 30,000 women and another10,000 couples over a three-year periodCost $69.95, video; $39.95, audio

Star: Robert VaughnProduct Helsinki Formula bald-

ness remedy; "cleanses the cells and tissuesaround the follicles that are sometimesclogged"Format: Very tan Vaughn, sporting a comb-over, anchors "Robert Vaughn Discovers,"ersatz Nightline including pseudolivenews reports from Helsinki Formula'svast, global network of correspondents.On anchor desk is UN,C.LE-like sym-bolthe Helsinki baldness-remedy logoPersuasive Reason for Buying Product: Stat-isticians asked balding men ifthey thoughtthey had less sex appeal. 'An overwhelm-ing 97 percent said no. . . . But when weasked the women if balding men are sex-icr, an incredible 85 percent said no"Most Exciting Claim: British royal familyrumored to use Helsinki FormulaCost $49.95 for three-month supply

Star:john RitterProduct: Tapes of Professor ClaudeOlney's "Where There's a Will, There's an

58 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

when more expensive celebrities have left the airwaves. Theyhawk curiously second- and third-drawer products on curiouslylong and cheaply produced TV commercials designed to looklike talk shows or news programs. They are the "stars' who pitchanything from hair restorers to sex seminars, under voice-overdisclaimers to the effect that nothing they say is necessarilythe truth,

'A" school grade-boosting seminarFormat: On ersatz Today-like talk show,Ritter interviews Olne) 'a professor atone ofAmerica's major universities"; cutsto taped student and parent testimonialsPersuasive Reason for Buying Product: Stu-dent Chuck Pangrazi says, "Before Pro-fessor Olney's seminar, I flunked out ofschool, After Professor Olney's seminar,I've had 19 straight As and not one B"Reason Given by Star for Demeaning Him-self in This Fashion: 'The results are in-credible," says Ritter. (Also, he signed withOlney before his Hooperman success)Cost: $69.95, video; $39,95, audio

Star: Judy CollinsProduct: Harmonics LiposomeEye Gel, Liposomes "match your own skincells and cause wrinkles to plump up andsimply fade away"Format: On ersatz Good Morning America,Collins introduces 'Amazing Eyes" showby singing 'Amazing Grace" near a dozenmascara-shellacked Liposome Eye Gelusers. Signing off, she says, "We've had awonderful sharing afternoon"Persuasive Reason for Buying Product:NASA developed liposomes to counteractdryness that occurs in planes, says CollinsReason Given by Star for Demeaning Her-self in This Fashion: "She didn't just signher name to something," Collins's beefyconsultant-fiancé, Louis Nelson, insists,"She really wanted a superior productthat she, , developed, really, and she didit working very closely with the chemists"Cost: $59.95 forgel, moisturizer cleanserand mirror in vinyl case, an "instant col-lector's item you'll use over and over"

Star: Kaye BallardProduct: "Look at Me Now!"self-hypnosis diet planFormat: Ballard makes guest appearance

on "Look at Me Now!," fake Donahue-style

show, Host Dr.Judy Kuriansky interviewsa doctor, dieters and audience membersand shows before-and-alter videosPersuasive Reason for Buying Product:Mike Ovitz chum Dr, Bruce Hensel says,"[Hypnosis is) a personal power plan tofocus on yourself!"Reason Given by Star for Demeaning Her-

self in This Fashion: Formerly obese, nowonly somewhat overfed Ballard lost 16pounds. "Bread and pasta is my life,Thank God I found this' she saysMost Exciting Claim: With this plan,"when you bend over to touch your toesthere's, like, things not in the way any-more," says actress Karin GustafsenCost $39.95 for relaxation tape, diet

book and "nutritional supplements"

Star: Monry Hal!Product: Dave Del Dotto's CashFlow System, "the most dynamic wealth-building home-study course ever offeredin the history of television"; teaches howto get rich from government auctions withno money down and no creditFormat: On a stage above a Hawaiianbeach, Hall hosts Regis & Kathie Leelikepanel discussion with "cash flow expert"Del Dotto and newly rich disciplesPersuasive Reason for Buying Product "Ifyou study the wealth of all the people in

the history, you will find out that, , , real

estate is where all the wealth accumu-lates," says Del DottoReason Given by Star for Demeaning Him-self ¡n This Fashion: In the words ofLangston Hughes, Hall says, "Hold fast todreams, for ifdreams die/Life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly"Most Exciting Claim: "When I look at thiscash flow system, I see people," says DelDottoCost $297 Stephen Rae

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I AM THE LEMONTru Story: Weird-o Investors Burned byjunkyjohn Lennon Jalopy!

very few years, like clockwork, there'sa slew of news stories about yet anotherauction ofthe so-called Beatles Bentley, apsychedelically painted, paisley-curtained,pink-shag-carpeted, rather badly beaten-up Rolls-Royce sedan. This summer thecar was once again on the block at Chris-tie's, where its present owner counted ontaking in between $800,000 and $1 mil-lion (a non-Beatles Bentley of the samevintage would sell for $25,000$60,000).

On auction day, bidding for the Bent-ley was opened at $300,000. A hush de-scended over the Christie's showroom,followed by some shuffling and embar-rassed grins. Thirty seconds later it wasover. Nobody had bid - perhaps becauseoldark rumors that the car wasn't exactlya one-of-a-kind dream machine. In fact, athorough look into the car's history morethan backs up Christie's lame assertionthat 'the story of the Beatles' Bentley is ascolorful as the car itself." Here, for the firsttime, is its three-decade provenance.

1956-66: The Countess of Middleton,Ashford, Kent, England. Christie's lists thecountess as the Bentley Si four-door, six-cylinder sports saloon's original owner,although Bentley Motors says the car wasbought by a Mr. G. W. Higgs. A newBentley sold for $13,500 in 1956.

1966-68: The Beatles, London. The Bent-ley was bought as a corporate car for theBeatles' business concerns, butJohn Len-non commandeered it for his personaluse, supervised itsJust Say Yes paint joband trashed the inside. Says a car dealerwho saw it in the early eighties, "Theydid everything a human can possibly doto the interiorwhiskey spills, cigaretteburns. It's nothing but a gold-plated horseturd."

Circa 1968-77 (or 1979see next entry):James Brucker, Buena Pork, California. TheBeatles wanted a yacht, so in 1968 AppleRecords sold the Bentley ro an undisclosedperson, who sold it for about $6,500 toBrucker, who gave the car a permanenthome at Buena Park's Movieworld, whichhe also owned. At some point, Brucker

60 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

manufactured and rented out a replica ofthe Beatles' Bentley.

1977-79: Ojai More, address unknown.More kept the car in a wine cellar, accord-ing to Christie's;James Brucker says thatthere is no "Ojai More" and that he,Brucker, kept the Bentley until 1979.

1979-80: Ron Morgan, Santa Ano, Califor-

nia. Morgan, a flamboyant used-car dealerpurchased the Bentley at auction for$50,000.

1981circa 1983: Dr. Lonnie Hanimargren,

Las Vegas, Nevada. Hammargren, a crankycelebrity neurologist, bought the Bentleyfrom Morgan at auction for a reported$325,000which at the time would havebeen a record (some experts believe thereported price was inflated). That year,Hammargren bought a second 'Beatles'Bentley." "One of them is phony," saysHammargren, "and I'm probably the onlyone who knows which one is real.' Thefake wasJames Brucker's Movieworld copy.

1983-84: Kenneth Wilson, Kansas City,Missouri. "The real one," claims Dr. 1-lam-margren, "went ro Kansas City" Wilson, acar dealer, traded a building he owned,worth roughly $50,000, according toHamrnargren, for the car. He later de-dared bankruptcy and the car was turnedover to the courts.

1984Present: Biond Fury and Yulla Lip-chit, New York City. Lipchitz is the widowof sculptor Jacques Lipchitz; Fury is apsychic, composer and author ofa manu-script about his mystic symbiosis with theBeatles' Bentley, which he and Lipchitzbought jointly from Wilson's bankruptcytrustee for $200,000. A spokesman forWilson adds, "Fury got shafted."

When nobody at Christie's bid on hischrome-and-steel soulmate IastJune, Furyrationalized that "John must want me tokeep the car for my projects' PerhapsJohn also told him he had a loser on hishands. Cognoscenti say that neither of theBeatles' Bentleys is the Beatlemobile to

own that car would be a yellow Rolls-Royce Phantom V once owned by Lennon,which was his car, not a corporate parryvehicle.

But the story doesn't end there. Accoçd-ing to Dr. Hammargren, in 1986 the fakeBeatles' Bentley was fobbed off on LeoDutram, a Worcester, Massachusetts,tanning-salon operator and collector ofcelebrities' cars. Dutram bought his ersatzBeatles' Bentley at auction for $79,000from an Indiana car museum, which, inturn, had received it as a donation fromDr. Hammargren. Dutram was led to be-lieve that he was getting a deal becausehe was told chat Hammargren had paidS325,000 for the car. Dutram says that noone had mentioned anything about a sec-ond Bentley (the first he heard of it waswhen he read about the Christie's auctionlast spring). When Dutram's Bentley wasdelivered, he discovered that the brakeswere inoperative, and the car quickly diedat the bottom of his driveway. Bob Mack

yyvyyyyvyvvvyyy,-vyyyyyyyyyyy

SPY SALUUS THE STARS

OF IOMORRO* TODAY

SPY: What hai been your most rewarding ex-perience in the American theater?David Mallard, Star of Tomorrow: Under-studying two roles on a tour of EdwinDrood with Jean Stapleton. )

J2 M F-e

simple

Jules Shear singing

rJ)l iI!scnrier playing

_,7;THE THIRD PARTY

IR S -82008

avaiJable now(ly,-i.S- S,,e i

I(('()( (V//(/

¡HE Ciî THAT

he most prolific graffiti artists ever to walk the earth - moreprolific even than Keith Hating are alive and living close athand. Uncomfortably so.

You may find what follows hard to believe, but its true: a bandof religiously inspired vandals has succeeded in scratching theword at least once on the exterior ofevery single buildingin New York City. Every single building. No matter where in thecity one goes - from the South Bronx to the Coney Island board-walkone ¡s never more than a few yards from the nearest ofthese tiny commands.

See for yourself. Approach any New York building at randomand examine the threshold. py will usually be found scratchedon a metal surface within an area from four to four anda half feet above the pavement. Pay particular attention co door.jambs and the edges ofthe doors themselves. Storefront windowcasings are another common site, as are the vertical tracks alongwhich storefront window gates slide shut. Usually PRì ap-pears vertically, one letter below the next. You'll have to lookcarefully: PRAY is almost always scratched very faintly and intiny letters, often rendering it barely perceptible. (Once you'veill"

SAATCHI AHO SATCMI NIW YORK CITY PALLITSUILDIH.. 37 HUDSON STIllT POSTII. LINCOLN C(NTR

JI,uIjZICKINDOIF TOWINS. UNION SQUAlI IAS

(ii:;:I :I LK.I U W1 :a t%LI%K U I &

PRAYS TOGETHER

spotted a few, you may want to branch out and begin scrutiniz-¡ng the city's 44,428 public phones and 13,001 mailboxes, be.cause scratched on virtually every one you will find Pa or thephrases WORSHIP GOD, LOVE GOD, THANK GOD, TRUST GOD orPRAISE GOD.)

New buildings, it seems, are christened promptly. Last year, 9weeks after the construction barricades came down from aroundZeckendorfTowers on Union Square, PiY appeared more than20 times on the building's exterior.

The eeriest aspect of che i'' pandemic is that nearly every.one is oblivious to it indeed, this is apparently the point. Afterall, PRAY could easily have been rendered more visible, withMagic Marker, say, or fluorescent spray paint. So either PRYmarks che most successful subliminal advertising campaign everwaged, or else the people who scratch i'a' simply don't carewhether anyone is paying attention.

Who are they? Why do they do it? City officials and religiousleaders we contacted claimed to have no idea. The only thingone can say for certain about the PRAY people ¡s that they haveplenty of free time. And they're out there somewhere.

SIACON THIA1IR. 2124 IIOADWAY IIDLIAL HALL NISTOUICMAIKIt. 2$ WALl STIllT

::i. H---ODION. 14$ WUT SNOADWAY IMPIII DINlI. 2I0 TINTS AVINSI

t HAA ACUI VACUUM CLIANIN DORISANS 110 HAND. ISiS SICONO AVINUI

NOITH SIll 0V (AST ATN STIllT ((SWUM LIXINOTON ANO TIllO AV(NU(S PlAY APPIAIS Si TIM(S It4X Cantor

62 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

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Would you like to be known for throwing a legendary party? Serve Drambule. lii a Rusty Nail

S

(half Drambuie,halfScotch), on the rocks, or simply in a glass by itself. Drambuie.;J. makes quite an impression. lt's the one liqueur flavored with wild heather honey

S,and the finest malt whiskies. Just makesureyou have enough. You never know

.S when three or four thousand people will stop by. Drambuie. Scottish in origin,

distinctive in taste, unchanged since 1745.

: Drambuie.The stuff legends are made of.\

'--::::To send a git ot I)rìmhiik' anywhere in the U.S.. where legal. call 1800-2:38-4373.

p 1¡7/:()(f

(

You ARE THEREsPY:c Exc1isive Monthly Behind-the-Scenes Celebrity Vignette

AT CANYON RANCH Resort and Spa, where all the stars go to get it together these days, George Michael look-alike Donny Os,nondleads a tinte11)

troop for an afternoon toning hike and inspirational lectnre. Donny (fresh from the snccess ofhis fab bit single "Soldier of Love") gives a few knowing

pointers on career rejuvenation to Lindsay Wagner who looks like 6 million bucks after a week in that healthful sot/west sun. Bringing ip the rear

comeback girl Diana Ross trades diet and hair-retention tips- with former Fonz and citrrent a:ite,r Henry Winkler. Ayyy - steady there! - Mr

Winkler looks a little shaky on hisfeet, but no need to worrylike his hiking partners, M a survivor! PHOTOGRAPH BY STEPHEN FRAILEY

L- á L1k/'EA BLURBOMAT

Capsule Movie Reviews by Walter Dateline: The Copa" Monbeit, ,.

the Movie Publicist's Friend

DADDY'S HOME, starringJohn Travolta (TriStar)Walter Monheit says. "That glaring void in American film is over at lost:Welcome bock, Travolto!"

SEA OF LOVE, starring Al Pacino, Ellen Barkin (Universal)Walter Monheit says. "Rocino sizzles! Borkin smokes! Friends, you'll need

a cold shower after this one!"

IN COUNTRY, starring Bruce Willis, Emily Lloyd (Warner Bros.)Walter Monheit says. "Willis! That's all I need to say: Bruce Willis!"

BLUE STEEL, starringJamie Lee Curtis (Vestron)Walter Monheit say5, "Steel yourself for Blue Steel! Jomie Lee Curtis is a

force of nature! Ooof!!"

FRAMED, starring Tom Selleck (Touchstone)Walter Monheit says. "Oscar Derby '90 gets off to o Selleck-rific starti" )

64 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

WHAT'S IN

A NAME?A Monthly Anagram

Analysis

WILUAM SA FIRE

IF I ALARM LEWIS...

HARRISON GOLDINGIRLS: NON-HAIRDO

RICHARD CHENEYCHEERY AND RiCH

VICE PRESIDENTDAN QUAYLECRADLED QUITE A

PENIS ENVY

HENRY KRAVIS

VERY "IN" SHARK

Andy rzron

. Iqiwl (61,,.&

WHERE'S THE LET'S HAVE LUNCH KEY?spy Test-Drives Computer Editing Software

he advertising business is fond ofgrouping magazines demo-graphically-that is, according to how rich or poor or acquisi-tive or educated a given magazine's average reader is. (By wayof illustration, the average Vanity Fair reader might own areally cool stereo and have a median household income of say,$14,000, plus tips.) But while demographic studies can reckonwhat kind of vacation a reader takes and what sort of beer hedrinks, they don't indicate the reader's, um, reading level.

But now, thanks to computer technology, there exists a tool tocalibrate the complexity and sophistication ofany writer's work.Its a piece ofsofrware called RighrWriter, and its creators intendthat it be used for editing. One ofthe ways it edits is to helpfullyspew out a number-the 'Readability Index-that fixes thenumber ofyears ofeducation a reader will need to understanda particular piece ofwriting. A Readability Index of8.2, for ex-ample, says that you are writing for an eighth-grade reader.RightWriter also calculates a Strength Index ('a measure of thestrength ofthe writing style'), a Descriptive Index ("a measure of

:

the use of adjectives and adverbs), a Jargon Index ('a JargonIndex of greater than 0.5 indicates jargon is being used tooheavily"), sentence-structure recommendations and a list ofwords to review ("words ... that may be negative, jargon, collo-quial [slang], misused, misspelled or frequently not understood").

We selected a wide variety of writing samples and fed theminto the RightWriter program. While we're not at all sure we'reready to throw away our blue pencils, RighcWriter did make usthink long and hard about all those "negative words" we've beenusing. And it made us see our colleagues in magazine and bookpublishing through new eyes: specifically, we've stopped readingthe stories of Raymond Carver (who wrote, we now know, forfirst graders), infinitely preferring our new subscriptions toJuggsand Wrestling Fury (suitable for a more sophisticated, ninth-grade audience).

What follows is RightWriter's ranking of 29 publishedwriters according to their academic standing.

- Brian Beatty. with Seth Roberts andJoe Mastrianni

Title Íhc Viufi,tdtr usc morc Title Liz Smith 8.24 000 Usc ícwcr Titis The Current Cinema: 10.31 0.27 Use lessAuthor Raymond Carver preposi- Author Liz Smïth cliches StunC slang and

Pubi. Knopf cional Pubi. Daily t'Ju', Author Pauline Kaci more corn

Dote 1981 phrases. Dot. February 1989 PubI. Tht Nu Yo,krr mon words.Doti February 1989

Titi. Ann Landers 5.34 0.00 Review the Title TRB: Latc Recurns 8.65 0.00Author Ants Landers use ofex Author Hendrik Hertzherg Titi. On My Mind: Sorne- 10.33 0.00 Use the ac-

Rubi NeU' rk New;day c1amaticn Pubi. The Neu RepkbIic thing Is Happening c've voice

Dote February 1989 points. Date April 1989 Author A. M. Rosenthal and shorter.

:

Pubi. The Neu- York Timei simplerTiti. Bosftr ofthi Vani:iej 5.71 0.00 TitI. Screw You: Fear 8.91 0.78 Use more Doe. Match 1989 sentences.

. Author Torn Wolfe of Frequent Flying' positive

Pubi. Farrar Siraus & Author Al Goldstein wording. 11$. TRB: Fear of Flying 11.08 0.00Giroux Pubi. Scrru Author Michael Kinsle'

Dai. 1987 Dot. February 1989 PubI. ihe Neu RepublicDot. September 1988

Titie Dear Abby 5.72 0.00 Use less Titi. 'Doctor: Cocaine kills 9.24 0.00Author Abigail Van Buren slang and pain Titi. 'Paraguays Republic 11.22 0.59 Us more

Pubi. Neu York Newday more positive Author Hugh Wright of Fear' positive

Dirt, February 1989 wording. Pubi. USA Today Author (editorial) wording.Dot, February 1989 Publ, The Neu York T,mei

Titi. Song: Basia 6.67 0.00 DON February 1989. Author Andrew Abrahams Titi. La Dolce Musco 9.33 0.26 Use fewer

Pubi. f'oiplc Author Michael Musco weak phr.iscs Titi. Suzy 12.1v 0.23Dati January 1989 PubI. Tb, Village Voice and less ambig Author Aileen Mehie

Dote February 1989 uous wording. PubI. Nw York PoitTiti. Media Person 7.01 0.30 lise less wordy Dat January 1989

Author Lewis Grossberger phrases, more Titi. TheGirls of Dairyland' 9.38 0.00Pubi. Da)i cornmonwords Author Juscin West T'ti. 'The Rights of 12.27 0.23Dot. February 1989 and less slang. Pubi. Jugi Gorbachrv

Dot. February 1989 Author I. F. Stoner,tl. A Pair ofAces: all 7.03 0.00 Publ. The Neu rà Rw:eu'

ibout two varmint Titi. Miss Manners 9.52 0.32 ofBook:

hunting suprrstars . Author Judith Martin Dot. February 1989Author .1. D. Jones (handgun Pubi. Daily Now:

Date February 1989 TitI. Cineplex and Loews 1124 0.36

PubI. Gurt: ô Huroiitg in Clash ofTitans. . .'Dot. January 1989 Title Social Studies 9.56 0.00 Author Jim Robbins

Author James Rzvson Pubi. '4ri($)

Titi. Beat 7.08 0.00 PubI N ow York Newiday Doti January 1989Author Glenn O'Brien Dot. February 1989

Pubi. Interiieu' T Wheres the LETS i 3.75 0 00

Dot. February 1989 TitI. lerry Taylor: Cham- 9.59 0.00 HAVE LUNCH Key?'pionship Bound' Author Brian Bratty et al.

Title Who Pays for What' 7.68 0.00 Author Dan Laible Pubi. spyAuthor unknown Pubi. Wros:litrg Fury Dot. September 1989

Pubi. ,'rfodtr,r Brid.o Dot. April 1989Dote February 1989 'riti. BriefEncounters: 14.90 061

Titi. Editor's Letter: 9.69 0.80 'TIsc writing Retrospectivc'Titi. (Letter to SPY) 78 0.48 Try to use Man in Motion' contains a Author Vince Metti

Authoç Gore Vidai more simple Author Tina Brown good deal of Pubi. Voia LibraryPubI. SPY sentences. Piibi. Vastly Fair argOn.' Supplemmo

Dot. March 1989 Dot* February 1989 DatiMarch 1989

6l, SPY SEPTEMBER l989

TIBET

LINIINGRAD

flfltL

AND THE REST OF THE NATURAL WORLD.

THE GYUTO MONKSFreedom Chants fromthe Roof of the WorldRCD 20113/RACS. Produced by MickeyHart. A donation from thesales of this album willbe made to support theconstruction of theGyuto Monks' monas-tery in Nepal.The profound musicalprayers of the TibetanGyuto monks: reso-nances both musical andspiritual. The programalso features a musicaloffering to the monksmade by Mickey Hart,Philip Glass, and Kitaroat the monks' 1988 per-formance at New York'sCathedral of St. Johnthe Divine.

SERGEI KURIOKHIN &HENRY KAISERPopular ScienceRCD 20118/RACS. Produced by HenryKaisers 73 minutes of musics Full digital recording"Spike Jones meetsStockhausen." This pair-ing of the brilliant andunorthodox Russiankeyboard player withthe brilliant and unor-thodox San Franciscoguitarist is musical glas-nost of the highestorder.

EVAN JOHNS &HIS H-BOMBSBombs AwayRCD 10117/DOLP/DOCS. Watch for Evan Johnsand the H-Bombs ontour throughout thecountry!ROCK & ROLL LIKE ITOUGHTA BE:The legendary Texas"gitar" man is back witha new album of sizzling,stringbending frenzy,produced by GarryTa I lent.

BERNIE KRAUSE &HUMAN REMAINSGorillas In The MixRCD 10119/RACS. A portion of the pro-ceeds generated by salesof this album will bedonated to The NatureConservancy.Every sound on thisrecording has beencreated from the voicesof animals and the natu-rai environment. Ele-phants, coyotes, snap-ping shrimp. and otherscombine their talents tocreate an irresistiblemusical blend!

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Write for free catalogue.

(Mention this ad for a couponworth $2.00 off any purchase!)

( J/fthose ofus who will che while traveling, most will owe it co a drunk driver's assault with a deadly weapon. Occasionally, however,

a traveler meets his demise under quieter circumstances, as the result ofa heart attack in a jumbo over Lake Michigan, for instance,or a stroke between Times Square and Grand Central on the IRT shuttle. When Ratso Rizzo died on a Florida-bound bus in Midnight

Cowboy, the bus driver asked that his eyes be closed and then drove on. That was 1969. How would the same scene be played today?How do transportation companies cope when a passenger dies in transit?

Amtrak When the deceased is Up to the conductor; may Survivors may return No; however, adiscovered, the radiodispatcher signals

have body removed to sleep-ing car, if train includes one

unused portion of thedeceased's ticket for a

spokesperson saidAmtrak is consider.

ahead for a rescuesquad to meet the I t1n

refund, provided adeath certificate ac-

ing implementing acondolence policy in

train at nearest station companies request the future

Delta Air The crew notifies theLines nearest airport (usu-

ally no more than

-320 minutes away) and

_.1_. receives priorityL

clearance toland

Greyhound The driver phonesLines the police; because

the driver may haveremain behind to

. . talk to the cops. at?:: relief driver is dis-

patched to collect theother passengers

Metro- North A radio dispatcherCommuter signals ahead for theRailroad escue squad to meet

the train at the. nearest station

Queen Ifa traveler dies whileElixobcth 2 crossing the Atlantic,(Cunord the deceased must beLine Ltd.) stored until the ship

reaches its destination;on Caribbean cruises,the deceased is depos-ited at the closest port,accompanied by acompany repre-sentative

Long The conductor signalsIsland a dispatcher, whoRail Rood radios ahead to the

LIRR police. local.-J police and the rescue

I Lsquad, who meet thetrain at the neareststation

The body is placed in a "pro.tected situation" drapedwith a blanket and buckledin until medics arrive; a ser-vice representative accompa-nies the body to a hospital; a

\ consumer-affairs representative'.',, helps the family with shipping

arid funeral arrangements

The police board the bus andexamine the body to deter-mine if the person died ofnatural causes; once this isdecided, an ambulancetransports the corpse to alocal morgue

A crew member stays with thebody until the train stops;other passengers are not ap-prised. though passengers usu-ally move away on their own

The QI?2 has three refriger-ators in its morgue; there isno charge for their use

The train crew may assist incarrying the body -off the train

Subways A radio dispatcher The subway car is evacuated;(the Metro- signals ahead for the the body is covered with apoliton rescue squad and waterproofcovering andTransit transit police to meet searched and all personalAuthority) the train. or the train property is removed; after an

, pis driven to the sta- ID tag is attached ("preferablytion closest to the to [the) large toe"), the body

;, nearest hospital is taken to a hospital

68 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

The unused portion ofthe ticket is refunded.even if the ticket wasrestricted; no Irequent-flier points areawarded

1f the home office canobtain the unusedportion of the ticketfrom the police, a re-fund will be made

The passenger's estatecan file for a refundof the unused portionof the ticket

No set refund policy;ifthere is time remain-ing on the ticket,travel credit is issuedtoward future passage

A prorated refund forthe unused portion ofa monthly pass willbe issued

No refund

A sympathy letter isroutinely sent, exceptin cases where therehas been a bitter di-vorce or when some-one at Delta has a"gut feeling" that aletter would beinappropriate

No; however, aspokesperson saidGreyhound will im-plement a condolencepolicy in che future

i2*i. -----.

No

If the deceased was aregular traveler of theCunard Line, thehome office will senda letter of sympathyto the survivors

"In the event the fam-ily contacts us, wewould," says aspokesperson

---- 3aIU-'5.?I ulf iii:ii.UI

l4I!1I. 'l'jPft

Not available; "lt'sapparently quiterare," says aspokesperson

Not available (theFAA tallied an averageof 21 nonviolentdeaths annually on allU_S. airline flights forthe last 40 years)

1l2rINot available; "lthappens so rarely,"says a spokesperson

Jay Blotcher

It First Happened In ChinaOver 2000 Years Ago.

It Happened AgainIn Tiananmen Square.

As Emperor, Qin (pronounced Chin) Shihuang created the Chinese nation.

He ordered the construction of the Great Wall and filled his enormoustomb with over 7000 life-size terra cotta soldiers.

And he burned the books and in 212 B.C. buried alive the scholarsadvocating ideas heretical to the state.

To understand what is happening in China today, you must read THE FIRSTEMPEROR OF CHINA which tells the story of the man whose Imperial seal andtyrannical spirit still rule the largest nation on earth. With 250 color illustrations,many never seen before in the West.

A BIRCH LANE PRESS BOOK Carol Publishing Group

IAt bookstores. Or send check or money order for $24.95 plus $2.00 postage and handling to:Birch Lane Press/Carol Publishing Group/120 Enterprise Avenue, Secaucus, New Jersey07094.I(201) 866-0490

1- (1.ifr(ql)( (f /(I

he venerable custom ofa newly installed martí-net gradually banishingfrom his fiefdom thoseloyal to the old tyrant ¡sa deeply entrenched tra-

dition at The New York Times. So when ex-ecutive editor Max Frankel informed fero-cious-looking former Metropolitan editorPeter Millones that some résumé-Xeroxingwas ¡n order it came as no real shock. Thesheer precipitous ruthlessness of Millonesstreatment, however, was a bit surprising.

Millones had been former executiveeditor Abe Rosenthal's obedient hatchetman for many years, denying permissionfor freelance work, saying no to raises,generally fostering anxiety (Warren Hogeis the current jobholder.)

Millones was a lifer at the Times, havingjoined the paper as a copyboy. He evenmarried within the organizationhiswife is reporter Deirdre Carmody, Abe'sformer secretary. Millones may not havebeen a standout as Metro editor and hewas disliked, but in an institution thathas always demanded agrim loyalty aboveall else, he certainly deserved better. In-deed, the episode has only exacerbatedthe sense among underlings that Franke!is inaccessible, uninterested in employeeproblems and intransigent on the subjectof reporters trying to conduct a profes-siorial life outside the Times. In otherwords, he has turned out to be as much ofa shit as his despised predecessor.

Of course, becoming Max's boy is pro-tection, for now, from the sort of crueltyunleashed on Millones. TakeJohnJ. O'Con-nor, the paper's first-string televisioncritic, a fellow heretofore removed fromnewsroom toadying. Reviewing a not un-funny summer sitcom called Doao Doctor,

O'Connor fairly fell over himselfin praise.

70 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

."lax 4r1I'ur

The review long for the television sec-tiongave Doctor, Doctorthe kind of send-off of which publicists dream: "Havinglaughed and occasionally howled my waythrough five of the six test episodes, I'mlooking forward to a lot more." O'Connormade ample note of the executive pro-ducer and all his TV and movie credits.Never once did he mention that the actualproducer ofthe show is one David Frankel,dashing young son of Max.

Fiefdoms proliferate at the Times, andeach tin-pot ruler bends groveling sub-ordinates to his own whim. The Wash-ington bureau is the domain of its self-important chief, and the current nib isfussbudgety Howell Raines, a fine re-

porter now working hard to put his im-print on the outpost. Not in any sub-stantive sense, mind you, but in theall-important morale-lowering area ofwork-station orderliness. Raines has is-sued memoranda ordering Washingtonreporters to keep their desk areas spot-less, books stacked vertically rather thanhorizontally and so forth. (Other authorsof desk-tidiness memos are Times

publisher Arthur O. "Punch" Sulzbergerand, as we shall discoveç Max himself.)

Raines has also been forced into serviceas a furniture odd-jobber. When formerdeputy bureau chiefJudith "I Never Meta Source I Didn't Like" Miller was shippedup to New York, where her bosses couldkeep a close eye on heç her tiny new officecould not accommodate the desk she hadused to daunt vassals in her Washingtonquarters. A sleek, custom-made number,the desk now sits upended in a corner ofthe Washington bureau with a ivR SALE

sign. Asking price: $1,000.But back to Max's own Sulzberger-

esque mania for decorating. Hoping nodoubt to curry favor with his boss, Frankel

found time to hector the newsroom staffabout carpeting. "Friends," began hismemo, "Step by step, a cool new [blue)rug envelops us."

[You've had to remove] all belong-ings off the floor and hoist theminto designated boxes. . . . Do notsimply dump these boxes back ontothe floor. . . . Leave as much as pos-sible of the new rug showing. ...And for maximum effect let us corn-pensate our benefactor [Sulzberger]by simultaneously clearing offdesks.

Of course, the latest cause of whatFrankel calls the newsroom's crowded"slum conditions" is Frankel's own cre-ation of a new light- and space-hoggingcaste of middle-managing editors withoffices at the newsroom perimeter.

Max may be going through a midlife-style crisis at home as well as at work. Hiswife and subordinate Joyce Purnick isapparently itching to move away fromsquare old Riverdale and into Manhattan;the happy couple was recently looking forco-ops on the Upper West Side. A brokershowing him an apartment on RiversideDrive pleasant view of the riveç twoapartments per floor, altogether lovelyfailed to recognize Max, and asked whathe did for a living. Frankel told her.

Oh, really! the agent exclaimed. Why,the man across the ballfrom this very apart-ment works at the Times, too!

And who, wondered Frankel, may thatbe?

The agent's answer left poor Max stam-mering and pale and ordering her to findhim quarters elsewhere. The man acrossthe hall, it turned out, was none other thanhis most recent victim, Peter Millones.

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cal/y askedjor pink. They will all have to bereplaced. ...

lt is a ba/my evening inMartha's Vineyard. John Be-lushi. who has been partying atCar/' Simons nightclub at theVineyard Airport, needs to

make a call. He knocks on anis/ander door and asks to usethe phone. He is pointed in thedirection of the phone, u'hich isright next to the washing ma-chine. He makes his call. Hehangs up the phone. Then helifts the lid of the washingmachine. vomits, presses the rinse button and leaves. . .

To the average city person, the prospect of visit-ing or moving to the country conjures up myriaddelightful images: paying for fresh corn at anunattended roadside stand by leaving money ina battered cigar box; taking long walks on thebeach and logging several hours of unrestrainedbrooding; attending a nearby harvest festival andcomparing the handcarved pumpkins with thefaces of the local schoolchildren who made them.For most urbanites who own or frequent secondresidences, the countryside regularly provides un-told amounts of relaxation, solitude and escape;and for those among us who do not own or fre-quentthose ofus for whom the word summer isa noun and never a verbthe pleasures are onlythat much more beguiling. Arid when BrendanGill, an haut WASP who summers in Connecti-cut's Litchfield County, bemoans the replacementof the phrase summerplace by the more utilitariansecondhomeIts a shame, really," Gill sayswewant to nod knowingly, wistfully.

But for certain city mice, the countryside is nota place to commune with nature or to get backin touch with a life more pastoral, more serene.For these people, the countryside is not a placeto reread Wa/den or to revel in foods that requiretiny bowls of melted butter. Rather, it is a placeto be snarly and unpleasant in dealings with localservice people, to erect large and unsightly satel-lite dishes (or whine about the locals' large andunsightly satellite dishes), andifthe mood isright, if the time is ripe, if the situation is locatedat the confluence of opportunity and desireyes, the countryside is the perfect place to vomiton a neighbor's laundry.

"'Thu get extremes," says Craig Kingsbury,who has lived on Martha's Vineyard since 1918,decades before Belushi and Dan Aykroyd andKatharine Graham andJacqueline Onassis andWilliam Styron and Walter Cronkite estab-

74 SPY SEPTEMBER 19x9

lished second homes there. "Some of the citycrowd fit tight in with the local community"he observes. "But then you get the other ones,the ones who want to change everything. Theycomplain about the bugs, they complain aboutthe mice, they complain about the birds wak-ing up too early in the morning. Then they bring

all their nasty crap

:::!ii:!Ifrom the city and tryto turn everything into

- Canarsie."Many natives would

disagree with Kings-bury that Canarsie is

1;.Àì_the precise model the

"W' city people aspire

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rejected the

indigenous

Colorado gravel

as too light in

color - the light

gray was "not

special enough"

toafter all, what ofthose city mice who are doing their best to im-itate the style of English country squires? TheRolling Stones spent last summer in prim, per-fect, Washington, Connecticut, rehearsing atWykeham Rise, a defunct girls' prep school, íortheir fall tour. To satisfy their temporary neigh-bors' wish for quiet, the spendthrift Stones agreedto rent 64 rolls of fiberglass insulation from alocal shopkeeper to use as soundproofingmaking at least one local delighted about the in-vasion. Each erstwhile street-fighting man hashis own impeccable Colonial mansion: formerassistant secretary of State Richard Hoibrooke,of all people, is renting his second home toKeith Richards.

Yet even those cosmopolites who do not, likethe Stones, lay out $300,000 for six weeks incountry-manor Connecticut and bring alongan entourage of 25 tend to pursue their owncountry-life idées fixes with a certain manicextremism - the common weekenders' determi-nation, for instance, to remove eliery single thingin their converted barn except for one copperbowl, to keep things exquisitely restrained ...pared down . . . simple. in other words, city people,when moving to or visiting the country, bringwith them the same profligacy, self-centerednessand high-strung sensibilities they claim they aretrying to get away from.

Chief among these attitudes is a lack of char-ity. Part of the agenda of every city mouse whohas found a summer place is to try to make itharder for other city mice to join him. Makenewcomers buy a minimum two-acre, five-acre . . . hell,

ten-acre lot, the previous batch of newcomerscries. Don't build conch,miniums or that new highway,the latest arrivals insist. Wilfrid Sheed summedup the feelings of"year-round summer people"everywhere in an Esquire article on Sag Harborwhen he wrote, "I'll thank the rest of you not tomove out here ífyou can possibly help it. I'm onboard and I want that gangplank up right now."

Once a city mouse is settled, though, and hasdone wha he can to maintain his solitude, hecan find himself at odds with his new neighborsand new surroundings.

1ll OI1Ï1ItJII1

To country people, the migration of city folk totheir towns is a mixed blessing. On the one hand,urbanices bring revenue and glamour, and theirchildren don't enroll in local schools. On theother hand, city people rarely volunteer to helpout local charities or the fire department. Theycause property values to climb madly, thus pre-venting most natives' children from settling inthe area. They woo service people away by pay-ing more money than locals can afford. But ofall the problems that the well-to-do New Yorkercauses when he moves to or visits the countrnone is as glaring as his abuse ofthe natural en-rironment. His sins are legion: the tearing downoftrees in front of newly purchased houses, thepromiscuous use of herbicides and pesticides,the terrorizing of the land in the name of pic-turesque land sculpting. Never known for hissense ofdiscretion, the city mouse is especiallyzealous ín his creativity when given the palettethat is Nature. "Jobs for celebrities,' says oneBridgehampton landscape designer, "tend to in-volve a reconstructing of the earth."

Reconstruction ofthe earth was preciselywhat seemed to be hap-pening two years agowhen a police officercaught a bulldozer de-positing sandsandlater judged to havebeen swiped from theEast Hampton MainBeachon the dune infront of US. News &World Report proprietorMort Zuckerman's EastHampton house. Al-though the owner of thebulldozer maintainedthat the sand had ac-tually been trucked infrom the mainland, thisdefense seemed morethan a little dubiousgiven the bulldozertracks leading down tothe water's edge, not tomention the most un-usual time of the bull-dozing-4:OO am. Thedriver of the bull.

. .

\ dozer was served summonses both for taking fillfrom the beach and for illegal beach access (al-

ithough it was later decided that he had beengranted access orally). Zuckerman, of course,

_,-:; '. denied any involvement in the sand theft, saying.

.; in a letter to the East Hampton Star, l remain;

puzzled why he did it when he did it. I am not', only upset that he did it, but am also upset by

the implication that somehow or other I directedMcK WERE RICH the work to be done in this way. Nothing could

MIDDLE.AGF.D be further from the truth." He then went on toWHITE Guts. Too

JAGGER say that his sole purpose had been to restore hisdunes, which had been flattened by a storm. Thecase was turned over to the state Department ofEnvironmental Conservation, which fined

;r1 the bull

When unable to.- w ,, . . -t move sand, Hampton-

: :. ites are wont to move! .. trees. Out of a desire

. . -4 .

for instant landscaping,.

L. *.-z;:-I.uI.1, wealthy summer peo-ple have been known

-,&'_1 pay as much as

Darnrnei:/ti d $q(),OO(J per tree to have exotic flora trucked inone o/the less altrac- from the mainland. In the past the root di-tizie vistai in the

.

Krav,-Roehm back)'ardameters ofthese trees could not exceed 12 feetthe width of the tollbooth at the George Wash-

- . . . 1

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SEPTEMBER 1989 SPY 75

ingtori Bridgebut recently, according co Bridge-hampton resident Michael Thomas, tree-madHamptonies have been paying $20,000 or$30,000 to have the tollbooth temporarily dis-mantled in the wee hours of the morning.

Rearranging the environment to jibe with one'sown vision is, of course, the stock-in-trade ofRalph Lauren. Having requisitioned some gravelto cover the driveway of his Double RL Ranch inRidgwa Colorado, Lauren rejected the indige-nous gravel that was brought him he consideredit too light in color. Lauren became what oneemployee terms "rather precious" and groused thatthe light gray color was 'not special enough." For-tunately, Lauren's dis-quiet was calmed and asolution to the problemwas found: gravel wasimported from up northin Wyoming.

Though the commonman lacks the funds orthe patience oí Laurenwhen it comes to yardwork, conglomerateurHenry Kravis does not. Kravis and his wife,Carolyne Roehm, have spent the last year beauti-fr ing ten acres of the backyard of their 'ast

falls, hills and ponds complete with moats, la-goons and an island. It is a backyard so thrill-ingly alive, so richly and unendingly lifelike, thatone visitor describes it as 'an amusement parkadventure land." And, finally, the illusory qualityofan amusement parka rather sublime amuse-ment parkis also at work at Estée Lauder'sEast Hampton home. Lauder, in order to have aromantic view that does not include unattractivemembers of the tuber family, is said to pay thepotato farmer next door to grow clover insteadof potatoes.

When not terrorizing the natural environmentsurrounding their country homes, city mice arefrequently the targets of the environment. Theyare not always prepared to deal with the unex-pected, and thus find themselves, as is the casein at least one Berkshire town in Massachusetts,complaining to their selectmen that the roads getmuddy when it rains. One part-time resident ofChittenden, Vermont, was assaulted by a smalllocal rock or so it seemed when he recently askedthe town to pay for the damage to his car thatthe rock had inflicted when the resident hit it.

And when it comes to mosquitoes and otherinsects, urbanites lose all sense of composure."City people are totally intolerant of bugs andliving things,' says Janet Pushee, co-owner of theEnvironmental Tree Expert in Northport, onLong Island. They go absolutely wiggy. They're

Below. gettingback to basicswith PhilDonahue in1Vestport, Con-

necticut; right.would-be sellerBarr) Tripinstandi guardinfront of his

on the phone with us all the time." Woody Allen,for instance, goes absolutely wiggy at the mereidea of insects: around the time he made A Mid-.citrnmer i\Tigh: Sex Comedy, his urbanites-in-the-country idyll, Allen refused a friend's weekendinvitation to the Berkshires, whining on and on

76 SPY SF.ViFMBER 1989

suanky South-ampton cast/c;right. themetal house inSagaponackicarms tcp inthe summernoonday sun

_3\-_ -

about how the prospect of bugsmade any rural retreat unthinkable.

Lt And absolute wigginess is about par- for Manhattan real estate developerSam Glasser, whose backyard inBellport, Long Island, is so infested

with bug zappers that one visitor remembers theplace as but "throbbing blue light," aswell as for conglomerateur Saul Steinberg, who,according to New EnglandMonthly, fled his Corn-

Actor Willem

Dafoe bought a

house in upstate

New York

this year that

is covered in

black rubber

wall, Connecticut, castle in the mid-eighties be-cause the area had insects.

Often city folks encounters with wildlife arecases of mistaken identity. "Judging by the phonecalls we get on the wildlife hot line," says MarkLowery, a wildlife biologist who works for Suf-folk County's Department of EnvironmentalConservation, "you'd think there were hundredsof pythons roaming the Long Island arca." (Thereare, in fact, no dangerous snakes indigenous toLong Island.) Carl Helms, director ofthe QuogueWildlife Refuge and Nature Center on LongIsland, was called once by a weekend islandresident who claimed to have found a goldeneagle in her backyard. Helms tried his best todisillusion her, telling her it was highly unlikelythat what she had was an eagle. Later that daythe woman's husband called back and tried toget a wildlife worker to come look at the bird.The man was clearly excited ("You should seehow it's grabbing me with its talons!") and wasfinally told that if he wanted to bring the birdinto the refuge, he could. Finally the man ar-rived, still carrying on ("Look at the beak onthis thing!"), only to be told that what he hadwas, in fact, a Rhode Island Red. "This man,"says Helms, "clearly had never seen a chickenbe fore,"

Chief among the necessities of the city mousewho lives part-time in the country are, of course,an achingly beautiful house and surroundings.There is no single archetype for what NewYorkers want these days in a second home.Houses range from the eighteenth century (stillpopular are rebuilt barns, often brought to Con-necticut from upstate New York due to a short-age of them in the former, and then coveredwith the wood of three other uprooted barns torefurbish the exterior) to the twenty-first century(a steel house built by a New Yorker in Saga-ponack gives off reflections so blindingly brightchat neighbors have complained that their shrub-bery is beingfried) to some indeterminate periodknown only to members of the show businesscommunity (actor Wittern Dafoe bought a housein Stone Ridge, New York, this year that is coy-cred in black rubber).

What is consistent, however, is that by andlarge city people are interested in the procesi ofsecond homes. It ¡s not enough to buy a lovelyVictorian house on a village green or a CapeCod saltbox near the seashore; the idea is to con-struct or create or refurbish or redo. The renova-(ion against which all renovations are gauged isthat ofDragon's Head, the Georgian brick mansionformerly owned by the Du Pont family that Barryand Rende Trupin bought in 1979 and started toremodel into a Gothic castle so hideous, South-amptonites rallied and had construction stoppedin 1984. The Trupins had the mansion enlargedfrom 35,000 square feet to 55,000ten timesas big as a normal house - and then installedtheir own $2.5 million version ofthe Great Bar.ncr Reef inside, complete with a 20-foot water-fall, builr.in air hoses for snorkeling and "anunderground grotto for deep-sea picnics.' Nowdriven out by the controversy that the house hascaused, the Trupins have Dragons Head on themarket: $12 million as is, $20 million fullyre-renovated.

Although most renovation or construction isnot quite as ambitíous, it is often justas startling: In order to erect StevenSpielberg's house in East HamptonVillagea residence that, ironicallyenough, has been widely praised for itssimplicity and local appropriate-ness he demolished the carriage housethat was already on the property,raised the level of some oí the land ten feet,dragged in the frame of an old barn from NewJersey and rebuilt it from the inside out. About-to-be-former New York City mayoral candidateRonald Lauder, the largest landowner in Wainscott,Long Island, has been lobbying since spring to

STEVEN DOLLFACE,COULD WE LOSE

THE PREEXISTINGHOUSE, PLEAsE''

SPIELBERG

embellish his property with a rebuilt 1840sGreek Revival church that he moved from up-state New York two years ago and has been stor-ing in a NewJersey warehouse ever since. Thechurch (to serve, Lauder has reportedly said, ashis refuge from his children) would go next totwo other restored buildings in what appears tobe a sort of burgeoning Lauderville.

Razing old houses, or "teardown," is becomingcommon in the more expensive areas. Teardownoccurs when a buyer is enchanted by a certainpiece of land but, because the existing house isnot what the new owner has in mind, it is deemedless expensive to simply tear it down and startanew. Not only does teardown lead to the build-ing of houses that are hugely overscaled for theirsitesManhattan really comes to the country!but it is also responsible for the demolition ofimportant architecture. Phil Donahue and MarloThomas tore down aJohnJohansen house, con-sidered by many to be a masterpiece, in West-port, Connecticut, last year. Robert Motherwellshome Quonset Hut in East Hampton, one of onlytwo buildings in the United States designed bythe architect Pierre Chareau, was torn down byNew Yorkers in 1985.

Sometimes the teardown people don't reallyiiean to do itthey just get carried away, like achild playing with matches. New York clothingmanufacturer Irving Millstein and his wife,Phyllis, bought a house in Amagansett in 1981,largely because they liked its view. They first sawthe house in 1980 and, convinced that itsrooms were too dark and small, looked elsewherefor a year. Unable co find what they were look-ing for, they decided to buy the house and do

a few alterationsthe win-dows, the doors, the decks.But as Phyllis told the localsin 1987, when you do altera-(ions one thing leads toanother, and, "before youknow it, everything's beendestroyed." Although theMillsteins received criticismfrom neighbors during theprocess of building theirnew house (graffiti on theframe of the house readBUILDING A NUCLEAR REAC-

TOR? and TOO EXPENSIVE R SUCH AN UGLY

HOUSE), they remained steadfast. "Take the oldand make them new," Mr. Milistein told the EaiHampton Star. "You can quote us on that," hiswife added.

When it comes to the design and interiordecoration of the second home, the city mouse isoften anxious. Having been sequestered in an ur-ban apartment, the countrified city dweller

SEPTEMBER 1989 SPY 7

tends, when it comes to planning his sccond andgenerally much larger home, to be both overam-bicious and overzealous. When Texas financierRobert Bass decided to lavish more than $1 mil-lion on the renovation of an old house he hadbought in Seal Harbor, Maine, he told Bar Har-bor contractor Tom Marinke to rip out much ofthe house's original cypress finish. Then Basshad Marinke and his crew spend several monthstracking down rare siraighi-grained cypress boardsand painstakingly sanding them in preparationfor stainingonly to change his mind at the lastminute and have the builders paint the cypress,destroying its very preciousness. Says one of themen who worked on the job, 'Difficult is thenicest of all words that you could attribute toBass." Marinke later sued Bass.

Lauren was similarly fussy during the buildingand decorating of his 13,000-acre Double RLRanch in Colorado. New construc-non was repeatedly torn down andput up again in order to suit Lauren'scaprices. When he saw the half-builtwalls of what would be his livingquarters on the ranch, he had hisworkmen tear them down because hefelt the logs were too small. Whendrawers made of half-logs were installed in thekitchen, Lauren whined to one member of theNew York design team, "It's too Big Sur. ltdoesn't look western. Your references are allwrong." When the same designer said he was try-¡ng to make one ofthe other rooms in the houselook like Will Rogers's house, Lauren apparentlyhad no idea who Rogers was. (Three days later apackage of books about Rogers arrived forLauren; shortly thereafter Lauren started tellingvisitors who liked the design of the ranch that"the inspiration is Will Rogers.")

Some city peopleparticularly those whohave parlayed their very special sense ofcolor andline into actual employmentare not just finickybut eccentrically finicky. When planning hishome in Greenwich, Connecticut, clothing de-signer Alexanderjulian gave his interior decora-tors pieces of cut-up Alexander Julian sweatersto use as color samples. Fashion marketer KeziaKeeble believes she found her summer house onShelter Island by means of Buddhist chanting.She told Hotise and Garden, 'I felt it was my mis-sion to heal the house."

And sometimes city mice take their perversefussiness to its logical conclusion. S'The thingthat I find ironic about city people," says GeorgeWinther, a painting contractor in LitchfieldCounty, Connecticut, "is that they pour so muchmoney into their homes, putting in really ex-travagant kitchens and bathrooms, remodelingto the teeth - and then they 're never there." For

instance, from 1975 to 1985 Walter Matthauspent only three two-week stints at his Roxbury,Connecticut, home, according to New EnglandMonthly, and from 1976 to 1983 Calvin Klein

spent only rs'o nights in hisSalisbury Connecticut, countryhome. (Klein has since moved

..into a house in East Hampton.

78 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

Zuckerman's dog

sidled up to a

beach umbrella

and lifted his leg,

whereupon the

umbrella owner

attacked the dog

having spent two years renovat-ing it.) Diane von Fürstenbergwasn't using her country homein New Milford, Connecticut,much in the spring of 1986just flying in from Francefor the occasional weekend,reallywhich rather bewil-dered the caretaker, who hadplanted 4,000 daffodils in an-ticipation of her visit, only to

have Mistress von Fürstenberg flit off before theflowers had bloomed.

11]i ?IIi?I 1 CIIÏ

11 1f 1ll C0111ll1

It is pretty clear to everyone, country dweller aswell as urbanite, that as time goes by, mans in-ventions become less and less interesting: thereally important things have already been per-fected (medicine, clothing, microwavable snackproducts), and what is left now is fusion andartificial intelligence, things that are not inher-ently interesting, since they cannot be bought ina store or be eaten at 2:00 am. while standingin front of the kitchen sink in one's underpants.But this doesn't stop people from obsessing overmodern conveniences, particularly the city per-son who, given the little time that he actuallygets to spend in his second home, is always eagerto purchase anything that makes waiting or theproduction of sweat unnecessary. Consider, forinstance, Donald Trump's helicopter service toEast Hamptonan idea so dedicated to time-saving and the fight against unnecessary waitingthat Trump advertised the service in Manhattannewspapers before the East Hampton town boardhad even voted on the proposal. Or consider thepoolside life-style ofTime-Warner chairman SteveRoss. So necessary is it for Ross to be able to usea phone at a moment's notice that at his EastHampton house a dozen or so perfect chaiselounges are perched attractively around the swim-ming pool, each with an accompanying tableupon many ofwhich are individual telephonesand notepads.

But Trump and his pal Ross are not the onlypeople who insist on things styled for the go-go

life. When rock promoter Don Kirshner rebuilta house in the posh hamlet of Harding Town-ship, NewJerscy, he saw to it that the house andproperty included a recording studio, an outdoordisco system, a ballroom, a full-size basketballcourt, a guitar-shaped swimming pool and twoennis courts, one with bleachers from the oldYankte Stadium. The house was bought in 1987by CHP Developers. In order to fit in a bit bet-ter with its neighbors, CHP has been obliged tospend around $500,000 in renovations to makethe house slightly less fabulous.

The case ofNew York Post owner PeterKalikow's dock is another example of modernconvenience turning ineluctably to modern in-convenience. Kalikow, the second-string Trump,has been waging a campaign to get the town ofEast Hampton to allow him to build a 150-foot-long pier, complete with a 250-foot-long woodendock and a 250-foot-long landscaped path. Thepier, which would require 74 pilings, would bebuilt on Lake Montauk for the use of Kalikowsyacht. Locals contend that the pier will seriouslyinterfere with sheilfishing.

Even if he is not a sand thief, Mort Zucker-mans zeal for modern convenience created a smallbrouhaha two summers ago when he erected a12-foot-wide satellite dish on his oceanfront lawnin East Hampton. Frazer Dougherty, one oímany neighbors who found the dish objection-able, called Zuckerman and asked him to removeit Zuckerman refused. Then Dougherty's wife,Frances Ann, who had publicly called Zucker-mari "obnoxious" and 'a spoiled brat, had 35neighbors sign a petition asking Zuckerman tomove the dish to a place out ofview of neigh-bors lawns and the beach. "It is the consensus

have obscured the dish. Moreover, he said, the,

dish had to be where it was in order to work.The standoffendured for an entire summer, even

. \

turning violent one day when Zuckerman's house-

i .. . .. .

man was walking Zuckerman's dog on the beach.-

The dog sidled up to a beach umbrella and lifted.ì his leg, whereupon the umbrella owner attacked. the dog and screamed at the housernan. Finally,

.

Frances Ann Dougherty had the inspiration toRAJPH Mv install a sculpture of Don Quixote, the cham-

INSPIRATiON Is pion of lost causes, next to the satellite dish, itsWiii. RoGExs'

LAURENlance aimed directly at the dish. Zuckermanfinally relented and removed his gadget.

Left. theZuckermanhouse in EastHampton.a/most begging

for sand to bestolen ¡roui itssurroundingarea; right. theKirjhnerizedhouse in Har-ding Tou'nship.New Je rsey

Coexisting with those who insist upon techno-logical modernity are those who are similarly ex-cited about rustic charm. Like Marie Antoinette,who had a country cottage near Versailles so thatwhen the mood struck her she could be a make-believe peasant, these people are more than a lit-tie eager to do what they think typifies countrylife; yet, like those residents of modern-dayCleveland who paint their cement front yards thecolor ofgrass, their efforts are sometimes shortof successful.

Take clothing designer Bill Blass, for instance.In his New Preston, Connecticut, home, Blasshas a collection of American and English Mochaware that he says is in a pattern called Seaweedmade oftobacco juice and urine.' Or RalphLauren. This summer Lauren opened a PoloCountry Store on Main Street in East Hamp.ton bringing synthetic coals to Newcastle!

2: L

that it is inappropriate where it is and distress-ing o those of us who care about the beach,"the petition read. "We all value the serenity andbeauty of this wonderful place. And know thatyou do too." Zuckerman still refused to budge,trying to pin the blame on Hurricane Gloria,which he claimed had uprooted shrubs that would

where anyonewith both (a) alot of cash and(b) a desire toput his finger onthe pulse of theHamptons' goosepopulation canplop down $140for a metal goosedecoy. Or con-

sider the rustic charm of the recent Connecticutwedding of a Manhattan real estate mogul, atwhich the bride asked all the waiters to save theleftover wine and pink Perrierjoueteven thesaliva-charged wine left over in guests' glasses..so that she could make some homemade vinegar,which would then be distributed among friendsas a commemorative gift item.

Sometimes one's ability to capture the earthyand the pastoral is a source ofgreat pride to a cityperson. Bob Pittman, the man who claims to haveinvented MTV and who did create The Morton

Downey. fr; Show, has, with his wife, Sandy. left

SEPTEMBER 19$9 SPY ')

NOTHING ATTRACTS LIKE THE INDICORIANDER SEEDS FROM MOROCCO NGELKA ROOt FROM SAXONY

all of the bits of hay and the birds nests in histurn-of-the-century converted stone dairy barn innorthwest Connecticut. According to House andGarde,,, the Pittmans' ceilings are starting tocrumble and have been whitewashed so manytimes that they resemble adobe. This makes Sandyproud: 'People dofaux this and that, hut theycouldn't get our ceiling. This is the rea! thing."

The Pirtman house is also a good example ofthe tendency of many of those intent on keep-Ing their aesthetic sïmp!e simple simple to give thissimplicity a sense ofenormiry. The Pittmans'9,000-square-foot house has a paddle-tenniscourt on the top floor under a 40-foot ceiling.Said Sandy, "When you're in our living room,you'd think it was the biggest room that we couldpossibly have. But just wait. When we put theliving room in the tennis court, it's going to hemuch, much bigger. We're going to put minimalfurniture up there. Big minimal ...... This phe-nomenon is corroborated by the owner ofthe onlyflower shop in a particularly celebrity-studdedConnecticut town. "City people always wantsomething extremely countryish and naturalwhen they come in here," she says, "but they wantit extremely countryish and natural and big."

And, ofcourse, the desire for vastness appliesas well to people who are simply visiting thecountryside. When one Manhattanite went to the

80 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

JUNIPER BERRIES FROM ITALY 'ì7CAsSLABARKFRO#1ito:

quaint Inn on Lake Waramaug in Warren, Con-necticut, this spring to firm up plans for herdaughter's simple country wedding, not only did

' she make suggestions as to how various plant.In Connecticut, ings within and without the inn could be re-

located, she also wondered, concerning the short-

Blass has a age of rooms for wedding guests, if it wouldn'tbe possible simply to add o; a kw more rooms.

collection of

pottery that The city mouse often has problems accommodat.ing the country mouse socially, and vice versa.Saying that you are a friend of Bob Fosses, for

' .

h e says is in instance, may have been an effective gambit insome Manhattan restaurants and boîtes several

a natternL-

years ago, but people who have used this linerecently at the popular East Hampton restauranThe Laundrywhich Fosse started with movie

called Seaweed agent Sam Cohn and PR manJohn Scanlongetno preferential treatment from co-owner Billy

made of tobacco Bonbrest, especially since the restaurant doesn'ttake reservations and Fosse is dead. Further-more, although bodyguards with what appear to

. . ,,juice and urine be large, barely concealed automatic weapons

might pass unnoticed in certain restaurants inManhattan, they appear merely excessive inplaces like the quaint Hopkins Inn on Connec-ticut's Lake Waramaug, even when the some-

DRTED TASTE OF BOMBAY GIN.uDs FROM INDOCHINA EMON PEEL FROM SPAIN RRsSOS ROOT)FROM ITALY

j 'VIr; ', 43 ac Y!XI .

ones they watch over are Henry and Nancy Kis-singer. Some New Yorkers are less subtle aboutannouncing their importance. A rather dishev-eled middle-aged man was spotted one weekendthis summer as he walked near the village greenof an especi ally discreet, buttoned-down Litch-field County town, wearing a Peter DuchinT-shirt. Which might have seemed a little curi-ous even if the man had not, in fact, been PeterDuchin.

Residents of small towns are also dismayedwhen weekend residents try to use their New Yorkconnections to accomplish their personal agendasin the country. Such was the case with New YorkTime, culture reporter William Honan. On August17, 1986, Honan, a resident of Redding, Connec-ticuti and then culture editor of the Timei, wrotean article for the Connecticut section of the Sun-day paper describing how a proposal to considera Mark Twain Historic District in Redding hadbeen overwhelmingly defeated in a town meeting.In his folksy, mock-Twain-style article, Honansuggested that the motion was turned down be-cause the towns selectmen were hoping to permitdevelopment in the area near Twain's house as ameans ofcurrying favor with local constructionworkers. However, what Honan didn't mention inthe article was that he and his wife, lawyer NancyBurton, were the two principal proponents of es-

DONALD 30SECONDS OVERGEORGICA

ThUMP

, LICORICE FROM INDOCHINA- t (s'e- rr-s

tablishing the district, that his wife had in factwritten the measure that the town defeated, andthat his own name appeared as guarantor in threeof the six lawsuits that his wife had filed againstthe town over the issue. What made Honan's fail-ure to identify himself as a principal in thestory all the more intolerable to many Reddingresidents was his muddling ofthe issues at hand -in the Times, for instance, he misidentified theState Superior Court as the State Supreme Court.But carelessness was nothing new for Honan.On other occasions in Redding, both he andBurton have referred to the Twain house as aColonial, when in fact it is a replica of an Italianstucco villa. Not only are the perpetually liti-gious Nancy Burton's suits against the town slowlydraining its budget, but her output of letters tothe editor of The Redling Pilot during the struggleover the historic district was so enormous that itwas a large factor in the paper's decision lastyear to limit individuals to one published letterper month.

Redding residents, meanwhile, do what theycan to get back at the couple. It seems that dur-ing a key town meeting, Honan stood up in hissimulated-Twain white suit and, finger pointedin the air, quoted Twain homilies at great length,referring to Redding as "this dreamy expanse ofwoodsy hill and valley." It was at this point that

SEPTEMBER 1989 SPY 81

townspeople seized upon the opportunity to hurla soda can and Kleenex at him.

110C!11S 1I1 IC

Most local people are wary of so overtly antag-onizing their well-to-do, often powerful weekendresidents. However, there are instances when thelocal community is able to take small revenge.

One method that natives use when dealingwith irksome New Yorkers is to refuse to behelpful to them. Or to be helpful. . . but at aprice. When Bianca Jagger called the Little RockRodeo restaurant in East Hampton one night totell them that she had forgotten her sunglassesthere, she repeated her name so many times tothe waiter that he decided to pretend he didn'tknow who she was and then asked her to spellthe name for him. (This was, after all, the sameBianca Jagger whose concept of country livingprompted her to send back the calamari atWainscott's Sapore di Mare one night, then sendit back againsend it back, in fact, seventimes.) Another case of urban anxiety inspiringpassive resistance in the permanent populationoccurred in Kent, Connecticut, where a local carmechanic was asked by the caretaker of the Kis-singer place to come over to work on one of theKissinger automobiles. When the repairmanreached the entrance to the estate (which is thickwith elaborate, rather spectacular security de-vices), he was approached by two guards, gunsdrawn. So he promptly turned around and left."I dont need that," he says.

But in the case of Steve R.artner, the LazardFrères & Co. investment banker and former NewYork Times reporter, who also maintains a homein Kent, suspiciousness of a more Kissinger-esque caliber might be what's needed. Local con-tractors see R.attner as the most extraordinarygravy train to come along in years a bankerwho during the week can wheel and deal withthe shrewdest but whose grasp of the price offence posts and landscaping is minimal at best.One local workman was astonished to learn howRattner made a livingeven by Litchfield Coun-ty standards, Rattner had always seemed to himto be vague, indecisive, highly vulnerable to be-ing ripped off. In other words, Green Acres: TheSeqftel.

Another form of unaccustomed comeuppancethat New Yorkers experience is being denieddenied something expensive that they want. FayeDunaway experienced rejection last fall when shesought to build a swimming pool 75 feet awayfrom Hook Pond in East Hamptonhalf thedistance that local conservation laws require.Dunaway was interested in building the pool,she told the East Hampton Village Zoning

82 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

PAYE "SAvE THE

RAIN FOREST BUT

LET ME &ULD MPooC DUNAWAY

Bianca Jagger's

concept of

country living

prompted her,

one night, to

send back the

calamari , then

again seven

times, in fact

Board of Appeals, because she wanted her eight.year-old son to improve his swimming. HoweveiDunaway continued, since the family didn'tbelong to any swimming clubs and because shewas concerned about medical waste washing upon the beaches, she had no other place for thepoor boy to swim. In addition to introducing thenotion of a needy child, Dunaway went for flat.tery and virtuousness, first with a testament ofher intense love of the area ("When I first camehere I fell in love with the town and have made itmy home. I would like to spend the rest of mylife here") and then with a testament of her in-tense love of the area ("At an international level,ecological concerns are horrifying. . . . I would notlike an approval from the board if you felt youwere in any way endangering the environment'S).Then Dunaway, her lawyer, a landscape architect,a swimming-pool contractor and two men fromfirms specializing in pooi cleaning and pool

covering proceeded todescribein a mannertechnical enough to confuse

r . at least two members of the

.! zoning appeals board how,

;

4----;: u order to protect the- ._I groundwater under the pool

. from being contaminated,:.; the water level could be

: lowered during construction: -"

T of the pool and then after-,.- ward the grade of the prop-

erty could be raised. The Dunaway task forcealso made suggestions about how the pool couldbe built and maintained without using acid.based chemicals, and the swimming-pool con-tractor helpfully suggested that the board could"place restrictions on what we do with this pool."In the end, however, Dunaway's extraordinaryefforts were for naught: the board was persuadedby her concern for the environment, and the ap-plication was unanimously denied.

Thus we see how the city mouse strugglesvaliantly in his home away from home. Like Mr.Blandings building his dream house, he tradescity soot for sylvan charm, only to be thwartedat every turn. Likejon Voight in Deliverance, heheads off romantically into the countryside, onlyto find a living hellor at least an unaccept-able amount of personal inconvenience. He re-turns to the land . . . and proves to be an ecologi-cal menace. He tries to make life easy. . . and onlymakes things more difficult. He tries to embracetrue country living. . . and appears to be insane.He just can't seem to make it work. Desperate ashe may be to make it click, it only kkkrzxpphhhts.But he is the very city mouse, and he will nevergive up.)

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PROMISE TO CAST THIS WOMAN, NO MATTER

HOW UNTALENTED. IN EVERY SINGLE MOVIE

AND YOUR FRIENDS SHALL MAKE TILL

DIVORC E

..V, _ -

L

PART?

(t

()Ver wonder why some ofthe world's least talented people find so much work in Hollywood? To

,rephrase the old maxim, "its not what you know, but who you knowget it? Know, like in the biblical sense."

_ç Clumsy for a maxim, we admit, but reasonably accurate. Ofcourse, the entire film industry is predicatedori nepotism, from top to bottom. Without family ties, producers and directors would actually have to make hiringdecisions based on meritand thanks to the omnipotent Creative Artists Agency, everyone in Hollywood is family.Beyond that, it's the nature ofthe business that many talented people have occasion to both couple and work together:Liz and Dick, Woody and Mia, Warren Beatty and whomever he happens to be costarring with.

But this is a story or a series ofdiagrams, rather about those people whose careers would be almost inexplicablewithout some sort ofconjugal connection lurking between résumé lines. The wan actress Sandra Locke is the classicmodern example. Since her career hit the skids in the early seventies, she has worked only when cast by her longtimeboyfriend and recent ex, Clint Eastwoodin such movies as The Gauntlet (1977) and Sudden Impact(1983). And it was no surprise when Warner Bros., and not Paramount or Columbia, agreed to dis.tribute Rathoy (1986), Locke's doomed-from-the-word-go directorial debut; Warners, you see, has releasedall of Easrwood's films since 1979, and one Ratboy was a comparatively small price to pay to keep a THEY DID ITmajor financial asset happy Pink Cadillac (1989) notwithstanding. Similarly, the duration of Brigitte THEIR WAY

Nielsen's career in A movies coincided precisely with the duration of her relationship with Sylvester «IcanteIIyouthjgStallone, and - coincidence? model Donna Dixon has rarely appeared in a movie that doesn't also feature ti announcement

her husband, Dan Aykroyd. Sometimes connections and motivations are a little less obvious: by casting of the seporaton [from

Amy Irving in Rumpelstiliskin and hiring her brother, David, to direct it overseas, veteran schlockmeister her hutband Sylveder

Menahem Golan was able to boast that he brought Steven Spielberg en/ami//e to Israel. Stallone), decided joint.

This phenomenon differs from the cruder and more common casting-couch approach to filmrnaking. '"' businist has in-

Thelatter is a transaction, a cynical quid pro quo. The cast-me-cast-my-spouse approach is about sharing creased by an incredible' ' . . ' amount. I have receivedand giving. Tri some ways, perhaps, it is a consequence of the belief that everyone has a need no, a

d Irightto express his or her innate "creativity" After all in the unstructured hyphenate-mad New OIflS ProPosas.

BngrtteNl.ls.n, 1987Hollywood, everyone's a writer, everyone's a director, everyone's a producer. So why not Mrs. Ivan Reitman?There's something sort ofsweet, really, about a bankable star or A-list director helping to fulfill a mate'shuman potential by hustling up a bit part or associate producer's credit. Perhaps the best way to thinkoffiims like Ratboy or Violets Are B/tie (directed by Sissy Spacek's husband,Jack Fisk) is as adult-education

' . . . . . "It's real important, butpottery-making classes writ large, expensive and mortifyingly public.

Key to Abbreviations: S = spouse; F = boy- or girlfriend; X = ex-spouse or ex-friendDescriptions in parentheses refer to an individual's participation (if any) in the movie in question.

julianne

Mary Ellen Trainor

Rob

Bruce Springsteen, X

Robert Zemeckis(director), S

Chcr, X

Skin Deep:i*iiiP

Romancing the Stone

Loz.'erboy

why people are inter-

ested ¡n me. I want to b'.

thought o4 as on oc-tor."JuI,onrie Phillipson her marnage to Bruce

Springsteen, 1985

.'I didn't .pect to slipthat one by the record

conipony"Cher ontrying to cost boyfriend

Rob Camilleni in o video

"I'm still quit. d.fsii-sive, . . . It hurts because

SEPTEMBER 19x9 SPY 85

Donna Dixon

Annie McEnroe

Lorraine Gary

Karla DeVito

Matt Lattanzi

Corrine Wahl

Tria Stories(executive producer), S

,Z Sidney Sheinberg g

. Jaws: The Revenge1 (studio head), S

Robby Benson (costar, di-. Modern Love

rector, producer, writer), S

Olivia Newton-John, S My Tutor

: Ken Wahl S Amazon Women on the Moon

lt ÇiIDudley Moore "r Arthur ¡I:

::::uise.oï:

:::(director, costar), S

-:Brogan Lane

Carol DeLuise

Barbara Bosson

Felicia Farr

Lisa Niemi

Bo Brinkman(also producedand wrote)

Gail Youngs

Kelly LeBrock

Steve Bochco, S Hooperman

JackLemmon That's Life(costar), S I _::

HPatrick Swayze .:

Steel Dawn(costar), S

Melissa Gilbert (costar), S Ice House

Robert Duvall (associ-ate producer, costar), X

Victor Drai(producer), X

Belizaire the Cajun

The Woman in Red

ther.isoI1tig.thgdoubithat I ani worth th.mo'LQfTainI Goiyoc kaN MCA)U&Y.rS&

sharehoid.W obl.ctto.ts

to hv $242,349 salary

foriowsZgb.nthatsh.is marrladtoMCA pr.sl

dnt Sêdn.y Sb.iith.rg,

1978

"lv. n.v.v b..n verysiniltive about charges

of n.pods.n b..r.tumid Barbara down far

parts before." Steven

Bochco on his hiring of

his wif. Barbara Bas-

son, 1981

"rm very takfttld, es-trainofy articulate and

highly int.11ig.ntp.r-

fact for Zarwck!Brown.

I cr.ot.d a slot for my-seif."Uli Zonuck onhow ebt become a pro.

ducir with her husband

Richard', movie corn-

pony, 1985

"1 thinh it's great to try

to help p.opl.7IvanRaitmon on producing

the movie Ccwci 5es?

for his wife to direct,

1989

"In Los Angeles, I

horned quickly that Itreally doesn't makimuch difference whether

you're the best for thi

part, or whether youhave talent, it's o matte,

of som.fluliy thing thai

can't he describid?'Sandra Locke (who, ci

the Hine hod starred in

six Clint Eastwood moy-

ies)on hireuccees, 1983

86 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

-4

Joann Carelli(director), X

!r The SicilianMichael Cimino

Lili Fini Zanuck Richard Zanuck 2ocoon li:

(executive producer), S The Return

Chuck FriesAva Ostern Fries Troop Beverly Hi/li

BarbaraDe Fina

(executive producer), S

ß-.- Martin Scorsese . The Last Temp-(director), S . tation of Christ

', .

J anet Greek

Geneviève Robert

' / Michelle Manning

Conrad Palmisano

joe wizan(producer), S

Ivan Reitman (exec-utive producer), S

Walter Hill(producer, writer), X

Irene Cara (star), S

Spellbinder

Casual Sex?

Blue City

l:dBusted Up

. . Richard Goodwin .Christine Edzard Little Dorrit(producer), S

Sondra Locke »T Clint Eastwood, X Ratboy

!o real conjugal con,uaion here. bit Oväz ii a manial-arti di,iple of SeagaI. a iweaz asioc,a::on for sure.

_d

MARY ELLENSI BOB S JOEL

A Round-robin Cas.

Study

ROMANCING THESTONE (1984): When

Kathleen Turner's gar-

rulous, ov.if.d skt.r,

played by MARY ELLEN

TRAINOR, is abducted,

theoudê.nc.sighsin r*-

lief, figuring tbat no one

could possibly wont her

bock. But tu. directorof the film, oucer it-MIcKn, not only wanted

her but decided tomarry her.

LETHAL WEAPON(1987): Producer JOEL

SiLVER costs MUY ELLEN

TRAINOEot "Psychol-

ogist"in his nev-

ertheless successful

movie.

ACTION JACKSON(1988): Another, lesssuccessful JOEL SILVER

production with onoduer,

smaller portas 'Sec-retar)" for MARY ELLEN

TRAINOR.

DE HARD (1988): Yet

another JOEL SILVER pro-

duction with yet another

bit poda, "GailWollens"for his pal',wife, MARY ELLEN TRAINOR.

WHO FRAMED ROGER

RABBIT (1988) ROURT

ZEMECKn, directing his

first film in three years,

finally rewards IOELLVER

for casting his wife in

threepictures by casting

nonoctorSilveros Rooul,

Roger RobbWs tempero-

mental movie director. )

SEPTEMBER 1989 SPY 87

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On the one hand, the Museum of Broadcasting exists to treat TV like high art notjust Masterpiece Theatre, but regular American TV, network TV, even ABC

programs from the i 970s. That's why it's the museum of choice for the generationwhose definition of culture starts with Howdy Doody and ends with

thirtysomething.

LßIl1

OF BROADCASTING

(1i+iI.. .viI1 fT

V IIOTP[ ?'

On the other hani, WIIiam olcy"s..l 4-veoro1d broinsorni treats TV ìterolty Iikc4Th .. .

.r !' 'r , .';,:,

nKtra$ ng o ons,, ignoring its curators, spending its time and ":.iF'1flflL

energies on portygiving an social climbing ana tundroising tor o síici, expensive

new home that may not meet its disparate nccds. Go figure - JAY HARRIS GEORGE

tried, and rather than finding a monumenF to the television generation, he

uncovered the nuttic5t museum in New York.

I

& It)Md htii it'. ¡ ihçrs i r uujì.. i.i1 hrn lit ti1 tIino't LII t,t tin ni (Os J li ii tt' o..r thi.

I III !I,I ,I ;I ii 'iii liti 'till liii ,it ,,i It I

Iii!II

?I ii¡ I illi II

empty seats asey arrived,lendin2 an air ofcozy anticipation to the 63-seat theater at rhe:Museum of Broadcast-

.,I .. II!t! ::.I! ..

ing Onstage, wo t rth p ßucers were inrroducingtheir entry in the museums annual World Tele' iionj:! H i : t . 9I ;:

:. :!

:il

Festival. As the aud1 n tliè fùzzy ¡mage ori'thè screen (a drama about the West German govern.

ments surveillance outs i s) t " producers slipped outforlunch with the museums television curator to cele

:. iII! ::IiiI:ffbrate their heady d.y in N ork. As sbon a the VIPs left, a door to the theater opened and a spotter from the

lobby reception desk signaled that the ot was clear. Abruply;mytçrously, rnqtof thudiençe members grabbed

thèir coats and bgan

school fire drjU, bit it

grateful for yothe

may Iòok4 like destawalkout or an elementary-

ofìßróaasting ployeéimply going back to work,

se ray f keeiig aa'thwatch over the museum.

iitbi

' 1 k i

"!

liti lI

': L'

*hen Oswald et Ruby

part of a dierIingafternoons entertainment

at the MoB

92 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

IT TURNS OUT THAT NEW YORK'S MOST POPU-

list museum, New York'sfun museum, is runwith an altogether appropriate sitcom screwi-ness. Founded in 1975 by CBS chairman Wil-ham S. Paley, the Museum ofBroadcasting wascharged with the farsighted mission of pre-serving Americas sanitized radio and TV her-

itage (after all, who would have known in 1975that colleges would one day be offering courses like"The Mid-Century American Sitcom"?). But underpresident Robert Batscha preening, pretentiousand occasionally embarrassing, he functions as themuseum's very own version of The Beverly Hill-

billies's Mr. Drysdale the Museum of Broadcastinghas become an institution where the majority of itsenergies and hard-won moneys are lavished not onits collections but on more glamorous considera-tions, such as its impending move to a new, vig-orously stylish $45 million home, one that mayquickly become functionally obsolete. The MuseumofBroadcasting is also a place where, a recent con-fidential study indicated, it would take nearly 40person-years to repair the abuses to a once-enviablecatalog system, and where possibly irreplaceablepieces of the American television heritage lie rot-ting as a result. Even so, Batscha's interest in recordkeeping appears to extend only so far as instruct-ing one ofhis assistants to inscribe on a frequently

note the date and time when shelast changed the bottled water in his office carafe.Employees who fail to appreciate Batscha's un-canny sense of priorities have been quitting insuch numbers that efforts to maintain a directoryof staff telephone extensions, formerly updatedin weekly desperation, were abandoned altogetherthis spring.

Of course, regardless of its bureaucratic highjinks and managerial fecklessness, the museum hasde facto surrendered a large chunk of its chartermission to the advent ofthe VGR and the sofa-sidevideo library. After all, where would the MuseumofNatural History be ifeveryone collected genuinemastodon skulls? Who would think twice aboutthe Museum ofModern Art ifeveryone living roomwere cluttered with actual Marcel Duchamp knick-knacks? Yet the Museum of Broadcasting, uncon-scionably, seems intent on forfeiting what's left ofits birthright. (Fortunately, the Library of Congresshas been quietly accumulating television and radiobroadcasts over the years, 15 times as many as themuseum. The library's collection is accessible onlyto researchers, but down in Washington they knowwhat they've got and how to find it.)

Not to imply that the MoB, which claims toclock in more than 100,000 visitors a year, hasn'thad its triumphs. The museum's constantly grow-ing collection has been chosen variously for its"historical impact, artistic value and social signifi-cance,' in the words of a spokeswoman; anyone

YES, BUT JUST HOW MANY

TIMES CAN YOU WATCH THE

I FINAL EPISODE OF

'ØANIE LOVES ChIC/IP

rho Harry Shearer

Alternative Museum of Broadcasting

You don't have to be the official Museum of Broad-casting to own a vault clogged with videotapes. Allyou need is a VGR, a relatively unencumbered per-sonal schedule and an insatiable desire to collectcopies of TV programs that less keen viewers are

; happy to watch only once if that.Harry Shearer, a SPY contributing editor and

broadcasting connoisseur, has the equipment (in.cluding a satellite dish), the time and, most impor-tant, the desire, He also has upwards of900 tapes - apittance compared with the MoB's roughly 36,000.The bulk ofShearer's collection, however, consists ofartifacts that fall well outside the MoB's purview:unedited satellite feeds, corporate teleconferences,other people's home videos, seldom-seen industri.

: alsthe flotsam and effiuvia of the TV universe.Like a network's sanitizing in-house corporate biog'rapher, the Museum of Broadcasting records theofficial, licensed history of television; Shearer andother like-minded collectors record its embarrass-ments, its nasty secrets, its revealingif usuallyignored background drone,

"Commercial television is not, as is frequent.ly claimed, a window on the world," says Shear'er. "It's a window on 20 Hollywood cocaineheads. This is a win-dow.' A thumbnail Thc Harry Shcar

. iUwttwm AIiernai:ecomparison:

of Muivirisof

8ra&afliflg Brtadajt,n

PPercentage of collection Less 100

actually accessible than half percent

Has Kotex pep-rally No Yes

sales video?

Has 1960 NBC broadcast Yes No. of Mary Martin's Peter Pan?

Hosts seminars with Alan Yes No

Alda and Walter Cronkite?

I';;:;ites friends in to watch No Yes

unexpurgated rapes of BratPack actors allegedlyhaving sex with minors?

HIGHLIGHTS FROM TVE SHEARER CUhLECTIO

LIGHTING AND SOND-LEYEL CHECK FOR RICHARD NIXON'S RESIGNATION SPEECH, 1914

While waiting to go on the air and resign thepresidency, a palpably unstable Nixon banterswith technicians and Secret Service men in anunnatural mannereven for him. "Lin afraid(the White House photographer) is going tocatch me picking my nose," the soon-to-be-ex-president jokes.

NR. BLACAWELL ON AN. L.A., 1983

A ghoulish appearance: Mr. Blackwell, per-peruator of the worst-dressed list, visits withRegis Philbin and Cyndy Garvey mere days after

plastic surgery-.-'Änd I think I look wonder/uP."he exclaims. Very youthful and young," Garveymechanically agrees, despite Blackwdll's scars, eye

folds and padded , Leatherette complexion.

RONALD REAGAN'S SUPER BOWL COIN-TOSS REHEARSAL, 1985

In preparation for hisrole in the pregame cere-

monies, an eerily corn-

pliant Reagan is taughthow to flip a coin infront of the cameraand then practices dili-gentl) The presidentfinally reveals a flicker of personalitywhen he mentions, ominously, that

"Frank Sinatra had arecommendation.' Sina-tras idea, it turns out,was that Reagan shouldpretend to throw a foot-ball in the White Housethat would then, on tele-vision, appear to be

caught by a player at the California sta-dium a feat Reagan playaces with gusto.

SCIENTOLOGY YEAR-END RALLY, 1986

A high-level Scientology official, resplendent inblack tie and gold arm braids, addresses the ques-

tion of 'terminating squirrels' i.e., crackingdown on dissenters. You see' he explains inpoetic Scientologese, "we take a very hard lineagainst those fes; very ill-intentioned small thetas

who would pervert our tech."

KOTEX SAtES FORCE TELECONFERENCE. 1981

Male, middle-aged Kotex executives talk about

the menstrual needs of "gals" and exhort theirsales force to remember "the three D's for fern-care success in 1987: Distribution, Do It at theShelf, and Display However, the executives con-

cede that it won't be easy to persuade super-markets to set up fem-hy" in-store displays. )

who has the time to wait around for one of themuseum's 23 viewing consoles to become availablecan concoct a diverting afternoon's entertainment,cuing up a Bullwinkle cartoon, say, before movingon tojack Ruby shooting Lee Harvey Oswald. Andconsiderable numbers of lonely-looking, oddlypreoccupied young men are bound to turn up forthe museum's late-night-on-Channel-il festivals,devoted to reruns of perennials such as MontyPython Flying Orcus and The Honeymooners.

Under Batscha's eight-year stewardship, though,curatorial concerns have been relegated to nui-sance status by an administration more devoted toplanning celebrity-larded parties than to the dry,scholarly work of running a museum and thedreary chores ofserving a public. Accordingly theMoB's six curators are routinely snubbed by its ad-ministration, and public relations are approachedwith a genteel uninterest that suits that depart-ment's snobbish, inattentive and recently pro-moted director, Letty Aronson. Her unofficial title,Woody Allen's Sister, affords the museum certainconnections it might not otherwise havea re-created set from Radio Days was used in an exhibiton early radio broadcastsbut her near-celebritymostly serves to mesmerize the doggedly star-struck Batscha.

"Bob has contempt for the general public," saysa former employee, who adds that this is not an un-common trait among museum administrators."Bui: the difference is that there are forces insideother museums that do care about the public, andthat generally get more attention and weight thanat the MoB, where there is very little authoritygiven below the president's leveL" Indeed, Batscha'seffect on the small, young museum is akin to whatmight have happened ifthe Metropolitan Museumof Art's sycophantic current director, Philippe deMontebello, had had the opportunity to throttlethe Met in its nineteenth-century cradle.

FORTUNATELY, THE DYNAMIC 44-YEAR-OLD

former Queens College associate professorwho sometimes prefers the extra-estimabletitle Dr Robert Batscha, Ph.D. , is blessedwith a saving talent for sleight of hand.Mustering as much as half of the entiremuseum staff in order to impress guest

speakers, funders and reporters (Act like you dontknowoneanother!Sayyou'rea tourist!) is just the mostinventive of the administration's many efforts todistract employees from their morbid daily con-templation of rusting kinescopes, shattered 50-year-old radio discs and a videotape collection thatsits largely unwatched in a storage vault cloggedwith donated broadcast history. (To give just oneexample, kinescopes of the original Ed WynnShou.'dating from 1949 to 1950were recentlyobserved, by this reporter, corroding inside a bat-

SEPTEMRER 1989 SPY 93

Help' I n being

fre/d prisoneí OR 3 cO!tIg

hesccpe Ed Wynn

(Iti Mel tornie)

94 SPY SEPTEMBER 19A9

tered cardboard box, which had been shoved out ofsight beneath a table.)

Perhaps the best example of Batscha's talent forhocus-pocus is the hypnotic sway he holds overcredulous New York Times reporters who make fre-quent pilgrimages to his door in order to writedown faithfully whatever he has to say. (The Timestends to be reflexively contemptuous of televisionproduced last week or last year, but oldTV giventhe museum imprimatur, is always seemly and sig-

nificant.) No matter how desperate life at i East5 3rd Street becomes, the gloomy MoB staff rests alittle easier in the knowledge that Bob Batscha andLetry Aronson will put a gleam on things in theTimes. For example:

'Visitors fto the museum] can choose fromamong 40,000 radio and television programs," saida typical bit of secondhand puffery last year.

Infact. the iiumber ofprograms actually available tothepublic is closer to 6.000. Another 1l000programs arevirtually inaccessible because information about them isincomplete; i 9, 000 await processing; 3 00 master tapeshave been either lost, stolen or damagedand neverreplaced.. according to employees who work with the collec-

(ion. Moreover. the ni:iseiim has been threatened withmore than one lawsuit by people who claim their dona-tions have been lost. (Officially, the MoB denies it has ever

lost master tapes.)

,. 'Says Mr. Batscha, . . .One hundred percent of

our collection is always available to the public,"explained a 1985 puff piece.

More precisely. 100 percent of the collection that isavailable to the public is available to the public. Slightlyless than halfofthe whole chaotic lot is actually accessi-blé, andonly a sixth ofthat isfully cataloged, according to

museum staffers. A MoB spokeswoman claims that anyprogram is available to the public within 72 hours"meaning that employees aré somehow able to locate andidentify tapes that have been left. unregistered. in boxafter box after box.

"Tomorrow [August 1, 1988)...the Museum ofBroadcasting will start a two-pronged project torestore to pristine condition all 25,000 hours of itstelevision and radio programs, and to then pre-serve them on digital tape."

At the time, none of the dubbing equipment had beendelivered: nearly a year later technicians for the projectstill hadn't been hired and the bulk ofthe museum's televi-sion collection remained on all-but-obsolete Betamax tapes.

"To judge by the audience reactions [to a radioexhibit last year), the museum has found intelevision-reared generations now in their 20's and30's an enthusiasm for its voice-art exhibition."

in fact, the museum found its young audience upstairsin its own offices.

p- "As Mr. Batscha explains, Someone will come

YES, BUT JUST HOW MANY

TIMES CAN YOU WATCH A TAPE

OF CURT GOWDY STARING

AT A BROKEN MICROPHONE?

TV Technical-Olificulty Collectors

Scrape the Bottom of the Broadcast

Barrelor Do They?

Th its June 1989 issue, Harper published excerptsfrom a quarterly newsletter about 'technical difficul-ties' on television." This odd, fascinating documentincluded letters to the editor (ï am glad to knowthere are more out there like me. . . . I look for mis-

takes during programs, rather than between them")and a sightings log ("11/23/88 KDIO, Duluth,Minnesota .... the center camera zoomed in on thefemale news anchor's lips to focus. . . . When theyswitched to another camera you could see the othernews anchor, his face contorted with anger. . . . They

immediately cut to the stations PLEASE STAND BY slate,

which shows a bearded Viking . . . sadly watching amalfunctioning television set. Great!!").

While these excerpts seemed to speak for them-selves evidence of yet another risible M iddle Amer-ican enthusiasmthere was more to the "quarterlynewsletter" than would be apparent to the casualreader. Flashback dissolve to...

LATE DECEMBER 1988: Premiere Harper, gathering mamagazine publishes its terial for the magazinesJ anuary issue, which in- Readings section, leaves

dudes a subtle, entirely a message with Barth infictional humor piece the hope ofbeirig put inentitled Strange Video touch with the publishers

Collectors," written by of Please Stand By. CoinS

J ack Barth, a SPY con- cidentally, Barth is work

tributing editor. The ing on a long-term bookpremise is that obsessive project, entitled American

VCR owners have begun Quest, that involves, among

collecting tapes of such other things, plantingvideo banalities as test phony items in nationalpatterns and FBI warn- publications. Barth re-

ings. Mention is made of turns the interns call and

"Please StandBy," an alleged refers him to Ian Michaels,f newsletter for collectors of a writer in San Franciscotechnical difficulties. who has agreed to pro-

duce a copy of the until-JANUARY 1989: An intern at now-nonexistent Please

dBy. Michaels prom.he will send along his

sletter's latest" issue.

IWY 22: The New York

mes publishes an article

tailing a dispute be-een Harper and a group

.

psychoanalysts whoistook as fact a subtle,tirely fictional humorece in the magazineut a supposed advance

Freudian scholarship.ismissing any corn-amts, Harper editorwis Lapham is quotedsaying, "Harper has

iditionally been moreerary than scholarly. We

al in irony and manyer literary devices ......

LY FEIRUART: Harper'i re-ives two eight-pagepies of Please Stand By

l. 3, No. 4").

( MAY: Harper publishes

J une issue, which in-des earnestly reprinted:erpcs from the sputi-s Please Stand By.

Il: Duluths station'DIO (not KDIO) con-cts Harpers and de-ands a retraction, claim-

g ít had not had anyoblems with its Novem-

r 23, 1988, newscast.

Il lILY: In its Augustsue, a still-credulousarperc prints the follow-

g not entirely correct)rrection: "[A) Readings

tcerpt from Please Stand

y. . .described a botched

ecast that was followednmediately by a PLEASE

tAND BY sign picturing aearded Viking. The Vi-¡ng was, in fact, the sym-

ol of television stationVDIOTV in Duluth, but

e technical difficulty o-

curred on another station'

(Italics ours.)

What follows is previ-

ously unpublished ex-cerpts from Please StandBy. (Misspellings andgrammatical and factualerrors have been left un-corrected.)

FILSESIAü :i.-L_itRti BY

=.-==:-:.- =;--=:..=.=:=-

==::---

==::==

Ii STATION BREAK

by Ian Michaels, Editor

Welcome, TDers. . . . A

number of new membershave asked for shortcutsto finding and recordingTD's. Such a request, I

know, is sending shiversof cold bile through oldmembers who feel thatthe long hours of wait-ing and scanning beforefinally connecting with ajuicy glitch gives realthrill to the process. ...With TDing, there is areal chance that you willtry for days, and still notfind that "Crack in thegreasepaint" (TV CriticMichael Arlen). That youcannot produce a TD ondemand . . . is the hobbysattraction for many in.trepid viewers. When you

finally capture one ontape, it's completelyyours. . . . And as most ofus will tell you, nothingbeats that feeling.

Still there are somehints for those that wantto get their feet wet with-out having to go on solosafari . ...

Technical difficultiestend to come in bundles.Oftentimes, the cause ofthe TD, be it human,natural, or phantom, is oflong duration, and onceone TD occurs, anothercaused by the same prob-1cm can be forthconingquickly. Ifyou're scanningand catch the tail-end oíabreakdown, hold it there,set up your VCR and wait.Be patient. Its like beingin a duck blind and seeing

a lone duck. Don't worry,hunters, that means moreare coming. .

e * *

Am told the smallestTV station in the coun-try is KYUS, Channel 3in Miles Citç MT Thestation manager and hiswife are the programmingexecs, newscasters andthe talk-show hosts. Anyreaders passing throughthat neck of the woodsshould check out the TDrate up there and reportback. Sounds ripe.

* * *

Thoughts on the newHDTV (High DefinitionTelevision) controversy. As

most ofyou know, HDTVis supposedly the wave ofthe future. Introduced inJapan, it. . .supposedlyprovides for a clearer,sharper picture. Thisalone is bad enough. . . .1

know some think that aswitch to a new standardwill mean plenty of TD's,and initially you are prob-ably right. But that's onlytemporary. It representsanother tightening of theseamless illusion of tech-nological infallibility, andthat's bad news. PSB rec-ommends that you writeyour congressman (un.

der the guise of a ra-donaI protectionist), andtell him to vote againstHDTV....

A SCRAMt&C CADIL SG4A.5 .ALtY

110*1CM. DTK**.1*S?

vu. --- NOI

their satellite signal full.time since 84; does thatmean I have to own all thatfootage on top of every-thing else?. . . How manydistorted, jumping copiesofArthurllandJaws: TheRevenge do you have to col-

lect before you scream:Enough is enough! Scram-

bled signals are not

TD!!!"???

ARE SCRAMBLED CABlE

SIGNALS REALLY TECHNICAL TBIFFICULTIES

YES! SCRAMBLEDSIGNALS DESERVE ALOOK!

ByjimMortonSpend an evening watch-ing scrambled Playboy LETTER

Channel. I find it bothavant-garde and arousingin a way that would makeNaim June Pak jealous.This is super video art!The pink and orangetones of what must bebeautiful bodies roll past,then a picture snaps onclearly, only aha, with thesky red, the bodies blue,and the pounding oceanpurple. Sound comes andgoes in bites, adding itsown erotic punctuation.. . . Not as funny as an in-correctly cued commer-dal, perhaps, but definite.ly more evocative.

Our hobby is bigenough for two differentworld views. Scrambledcable signals deserve tobe called TDs.

* * *

No! SCRAMBLED SIG.NALS ARE Nor TD!

By David N. BrewsterWhere does the avid TDcollector draw the line?HBO has been scrambling

DEAR EDIToR:

I disagree that the fourexamples you cited in

"Frightening Difficulties"[PSB. Summer, 1988) areactually the most frighten-ing technical glitches everbroadcast. I recall onefrom about 15 years agoon a Philadelphia stationthat tops them all. It wasabout 2 in the afternoon,during a commercialbreak and the familiarEBS "test" announcement

came on. You know: "Forthe next sixty seconds.This is only a test," fol.lowed by that annoyingi KHz tone. Well, thetone just keeps goingand going, one, two, may-be five minutes. Then the I

tone stops and the pic-nre glitches and there'snothing but snow. . . . This

particular i'D gready influ-

enced my decision to sup-port the anti-nuclear move-

ment. I'm sure you cansee why Your readers might

want to think about that

\ Pi 1 M 11R SPY

the next time someonequestions them about thevalidity of our particularhobby.

Sincerely,

¡(217 Smith, Harrison, NJ

SGHTGS

=-:=

.- ..-

SIGHTINGS

1113118$ KIRK, HOUSTON, TX

Live reporter doing storyon city's various Halloween preparations for10:00 PM news was wear-

¡ng a blue shirt, makinghis head and hands ap.pear to float above his tor-so. Didnt tape it becauseat first we thought it waspurposely ghoulish. Buthalfway through his story,the video portion of hisremote was stopped, andstation cut back to anearlier slide of a jack-o-lantern carved to look likeMichael Dukakis.

Reported by Glitch

Howzds, Hoaston, TX.

. * e

i 110518$ lITI, CHICAGO, IL

Last Novembers pledgeweek was a feast for usWindy City TDers. Dur-ing breaks in The SingingDeicaive, camera cues were

mixed up four times in a

I,row: those talking were

w- not on camera for morethan a minute straight.Those shown but notknowing they were on airincluded a row of ShrineClowns glumly lookingat their phones, and anauction board assistant

96 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

tugging at her skirt. Wasthat 'Sht!" & 'God-damned!" we heard in thebackground?

Reported by Chicago/and

Gang, Ni/es, ¡L.H:===:_-

READER'S POLL RESULTS

FIVE MOST COMMON MU-

SICAL CHOICES 1VR MUSIC

PLAYED DURING BROAD-

CAST INTERRUPTION (as

reported by readers):MINIEN TITLE

i "Don't Worry,Be Happy(instrumental)"

2 Love Is Blue"

3 Stand By Me"4 "The Heat Is On5 "Brandenburg

Concertos"

HONE TRADING CLUB

BOOM MIKE BLOOPERS.

Assorted. Full two hourtape! VHS or BETA. Totrade for cooking showg! itches (grease fires, fallen

souffles, etc.), especiallyfrom the 70's. PSB Boxdo.

I S *

Have three years of CHIL-I_Y BILLY SATURDAY NIGHT

MONSTER MOVIE glitches

(WTAE, Ch 4, Pitts-burgh). Was the host ofCreature Features an alco-

holic? . . . Good enough tokeep me awake ti! 3:00AM every Saturday from1982.-84. Must see.

Choice. "Warlord' PSBBox C12,)

a"!

Peu JiIIette on

Miami Vice:

treible far blue

scclat!

to us and say, "I have a collection of 100 kine-scopes." ... If the museum didn't keep the old ma-chines around, we'd be in the position of havingthe Rosetta Stone and not being able to read ¿t.

Television curator Ron Simon has o kinescope viewer in

his office. but in the museum vault where donated kine-scopes are actually viewed and, with luck, the fact oftheir existence is recorded, until recently the only way towatch them was by holding theft/ms up to a light bulb.

"Programs are cross-referenced, often as fre-quently as 25 times."

Often is a relative word, but even in the museum'spre-Batscha cross-referencing heyday, when catalogersspent eight hours working on one or two hours ofprogram-

ming, a dozen cross-references were most commonanepisode of Bonanza, for instance, would be referencedunder its stars, director production people, genre, storysubject and so on. Today. the two catalogers who have to

cope with the 3,000 hours ofprogrammrng that pour inevery year are allowed 15 minutes for each program.Someprograms are catalogedhy title only - which means,to give an unlikely h;pothetical example, that a futurePennJillette scholar might have trouble looking up themagicianíguest appearance on Miami Vice. This panic-driven short-forming was the museumc response to the1988 stud)' that indicated it would take until the earlytwenty.ftrst century to straighten out the archival night-mare of its neglected cataloging system.

OF COURSE, BEING UNDERSTAFFED AND

overwhelmed is the lot of many cash-strapped nonprofit institutions. But theMoB is remarkably free ofthe camarade-rie that life-during-wartime conditionsusually promote - perhaps because thisis one nonprofit institution that doesn't

appear to be particularly cash-strapped. Indeed,many of the MoB's 70-odd employees, eking theirway through life on the tiny salaries traditionallypaid to museum workers, maintain a bitter curi-osity about the $6,403,330 raised in 1987 throughdonations, grants, admissions and the frequentinjection of money from the Paley Foundation($400,000 last year alone). According to recordsfiled with New York State authorities, expensesfor 1987 totaled only $3,343,311, with the mu-seum's net worth swelling from $15,807,950 to$18,867,969this in addition to the more than$30 million raised so far in a separate fundraisingcampaign for the new building.

On paper, then, the Museum of Broadcasting isdecidedly healthy, even if its collection is not;healthy even ifemployees are sometimes given theimpression that it is necessary for the museum tooverstate their wee salaries on funding applica-tions in order to seduce that much more fromfoundations; healthy even if museum adminis-trators have on occasion diverted the resulting

i

Curatim fer dollars:

deppockete

auteor Aaroa Spellings

Nigb!ingales

grants from the impoverished curatorial depart. o

merots for which the grants had been pledged and a

(presumably) used the money elsewhere in the b

museum, or simply dumped it in the endowmen. 1

For instance, one department head got a letter n

from a foundation inquiring about the dispensa. cdon of an earmarked grant that the department o

head didn't know had been received. The head of h

another department was recently ordered to spend d

only a portion ofsome moneys donated specifically ii

to that department. (People familiar with non ti

profit organizations say these kinds ofshenanigans a

are not uncommon, but they also single out the ii

MoB in this regard. However, a museum spokes- n

woman claims that "not a penny ofgrant is ever p

misappropriated")Oddly, almost no one knows

the particulars ofthe museum's:

miii

financial health. Batscha con- il iiI

trois the budgetary informationso tightly as to mystify even the i

professionals who raise the p

museum's funds and who have pØUbecome accustomed, in theirjobs with other institutions, toreadily available budget infor-mation. "Only Batscha and one .

or two flnancialguys see the ac-tua! budgetsincredible buttrue." says a disaruntled former 'i-è

fundraiser, one of several whohave quit the museum in dis.gust over such practices during the last few years.

The constant scheming for doLlars not only affectsthe staff's morale but dictates what's in the collec-non, and even influences how the museum studiesbroadcast history At Batscha's instruction, curatorsare prohibited from using the phrases "Golden AgeofRadio" and "Golden Age ofTelevision" in museumliterature, lest contemporary, potentially check-writing members of the broadcast community getthe impression that the museum regards their cur-rent ar(istiC efforts as something less than precious.Anyway, the true Golden Age ofTelevision might behappening right now, so it doesn't hurt to pack the col-lection with recent programs made by flattered, deep-pocketed producershence the museum's richsampling of Stephen Cannell's The A Team and itseven larger sampling of "auteur" Aaron Spelling'soeuvre. ("Aaron makes it look so eas The naturalsalways do," said a typically erudite, not-at-all-toady-ing museum publication. "Sinatra's phrasing, GeneLittler's swing, Aaron Spelling's sense ofstory andaudience - all ofthem come into being with a stylethat can't be copied.")

But the most naked use of the collection as amoney-drawing vanity exercise has been the estab-lishment ofthe museum's Creative Council.

'I am writing to invite you to become a member

fthe Museum ofBroadcastirig's Creative Council.growing group ofover 500 leading members of theroadcasting communir" begins a solicitationtter Batscha sent out last winter. A former ad-inistrative staff member says the council was

reated in the naive hope that the mere bestowalfembossed membership certificates would enticeardened professionals into forking over generousonations. The museum quickly wised up, dangling1 front of an alarming array of entertainmentmeservers the added promise that they would beble to install the best examples oftheir own work

the museum. "After the programming is in themseum, then we'd go after them for money," ex-lains the former staffer. And even ifrhe broadcast

(ulirely coivincing facades: le/I to ¡igl, drawing al the Mol's ew building, Robert Balsca, Williari Paley,

rodel of the buildiig, Philip Joson

community's leading members - 709 as ofJune idon't unfold their wallets satisfactorily, the mu-scum has at least secured the use oftheir names for

leverage with other potential donors. No taste goesunaccounted for: the list ofCreative Council mcm-bers ranges from Meryl Streep, David Brinkleyand Gore Vida! to Joe Franklin, Jim Nabors,Heather Locklear and Phil Rizzuto.

AND YET, DESPITE THEIR RESENTMENTS,

MoB employees do credit Bob Batscha forhis ringleading razzle-dazzle. And when hetakes home large pieces of video equip-ment a few color monitors, say, for someno doubt urgent research projectmu-scum technicians good-naturedly corn-

plain that the boss's zeal is impeding their work.While his direct pipeline to the Times suggests

that his true calling migh,t have been as the officialspokesman for a production of a Eugene O'Neillplay, Batscha does indeed have a firm backgroundin the world ofbroadcasting: he taught communi-cations at Queens College and then parlayed apartnership with former CBS president FrankStanton (the two founded a nonprofit organizationwhose mission was to introduce job-seeking col-lege students to media professionals) into his pres-

SEPTEMBER 1989 SPY 97

u Are Now Shopping at the Mari

A sampling ofthe "named giavailable at the Museum oí Bpensive new home, scheduledwhere many seat, office and roc

Principal TheaterIndividual Seats

Lobby at TheaterLevel SOLI

Main-Floor LobbyExhibition Gallery SOLI

Shop SOLI

cond-FloorTheater SILO

Individual Seats.

reening Room

.am Television Console

Room

.

Family ConsolesIndividual ConsolesScholars' Consoles

Scholars' Room SOLO

Library SOLD

Radio ListeningRoom SOLD

Education RoomCurators and Catalogers' Sect

Eighth FloorNinth Floor

Curators' Offices (4)

0 Higherprivappliei ¡f¡he donore/»

Pria no: available

98 SPY SEPTEMBER 989

ent position. When the MoB was looking for apresident, Stanton recommended Batscha to hisformer boss, Pa1ey the museum's founder, chiefunderwriter and ultimate ruler. (Paley had be-come disenchanted with founding president Rob-ert Saudek, according to staff members from themuseum's early days, because Saudek had failedto acquire for the museum a public profile befit-ting Paley's pet project. Saudek moved on to runthe Motion Picture, Broadcasting and RecordedSound Division at the more sober Library of Con-gress, where he isn't called on to pose for party' pic-tures with Cybill Shepherd.)

Those who know Batscha say he has all butabandoned the scholarly inter-

ofhis youth in slavish pur-suit of social skills that are far

IItIests

more useful to a guardian ofthe Paley legacy. "Bob Batscha

ç Coodson Gift Shopwould be better off running arestaurant," says a not quite ad-miring colleague who has seen

ft opportunities" countless meetings that are sup-roadcasting's ex. posed to be devoted to planningto open next fall, new exhibitions derailed whenmvaluesremain. Batscha launches into spirited

discussions of vases, flowers,$5,000,000 candles and menus for black-tie

$5,000/$10,000 dinners meant to celebrate theexhibitions that, oddly enough,

$250,000 Batscha is in the very process$2,500,000 of ignoring. Then, the table-$1,000,000 ware discussion at an end, he

$50,000 will take outside phone callsuntil the vestigial curators

t

finally scuttle away.S5,000/$lO,000* Certainly no one likes the

$1,000,000 tireless favor-currying andsweaty desperation of social

$1,500,000 climbing, so essential to run-$35,000 ning any institution dependent$25,000 on the largess of willful,$35,000 megalomaniacal rich people.

t No one gladly answers to a$3,000,000 clubby, easygoing board of

trustees that includes Twen-t tieth Century Fox chairman

$1,000,000 Barry Diller, Creative Artistsion: Agency chief Michael Ovitz

$250,000 and CBS president Laurence$250,000 Tisch. And yet Batscha man-

$25,000 ages to go about these choreswith enthusiasm. Fortunately,

osestheseat'sl«a:ion hes the sort of professionalwho evinced no ethical qualms

in presiding over an exhibition devoted entirely tothe advertising ofYoung & Rubicam, even as Ed-ward Ney, president of PaineWebber/Young &Rubicam Ventures, sat on the museum board (the

company enthusiastically donated $200,000 lastyear). Batscha's cultivation of Aaron Spelling'scheckbook once drove him to consider a Dynasty

fashion show at the museum until cooler, moresocially inappetent heads prevailed.

In recent months it has sometimes seemed as ifBatscha might be tempering his Olympian disdainfor the public by adopting a Gorby-like penchantfor glad-handing the masses. For example, a stand-ing order used to prevent museum elevator oper-ators from stopping for passengers when Batschawas aboard, descending from his fifth-floor office.In the MoB equivalent ofspontaneously piling outof a ZIL limousine, Batscha will now sometimesinstruct an elevator operator to stop and pick upmuseum visitors on the second floor so that he canbriefly exchange pleasantries with them beforereaching the lobby. Ofcourse, observers have notedthat Batscha indulges his populist yearnings onlywhen he has an important guest on board a finepoint not lost on the elevator operators.

INSOLENT LIFT JOCKEYS NOTWITHSTANDING,

nothing slows down Bob Batscha for long. In-deed, the prospect of moving to his newbuilding next year has opened yet anotherarena for his limitless energy: interior decora-tion. Lately the museum president has invitedstaffers to pet carpet samples and stroke wood

panel sections while he deliriously describes thesubtlety of the buildings color scheme. The newbuilding's luxe furnishings (one ofits theaters willfeature crystalline light bulbs mounted on 14-karatfloor.to-ceiling gold strips) may not console allthose who worry that the museum will outgrow itsexpensive new home. Emerging from a very impor-tant carpet-sample meeting, one unconvinced staffmember concluded, 'The new building is thephysical manifestation of the museum's horriblevalues.' Another person familiar with the project iswilling to bet that three years from now the newtape vaultthe heart ofthe museumwill be ex-actly the sort of unnavigable closet the currentvault has become.

Happier about the new building, presumablare its nominal designer, PhilipJohnson, and BillPaley himself, who contributed $12 million forthe impractical sliver structure and the tiny patchofWest 52nd Street on which it will sit. And what-ever the new building's drawbacks as a home for amuseum, it does have the. advantage of strategiclocation: within sight of Black Rock, CBSs head-quarters, and adjacent to Paley's regular lunchtimehangout, the '21' Club. Indeed, no hint of troublewill be apparent to the museum's trustees as theyooze next door for meals: Batscha has gone so faras to visit a West German quarry personally, aspart ofhis unceasing quest to ensure that the newbuilding has an entirely convincing facade. )

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MAPPING THE TOUR DE TRUMP'S MISHAPS, FOUL-UPS AND EGREGIOUS EXAGGERATIONS

'IJ,t' ibtir de 'Iiunp: who canfor- races award more). and was partners attempting to launch Trumps body. Depeidùg onget theJm we baa'? ¡fue cou/dnt generally sold as being the an American bicycle race on which newspaper note-takerjoin sports nuts who flew into premier cycling race in Amer- the order ofLe Tour de France, received Trump's more accurateAtlantic City to attend the thou'- ka. Maybe ir was. However, it seeks the financial backing of recollection, he replies eitherdown. then (after a/Iing our book- was also certainly an over- Donald Trump. Before their You have to be kidding. . . . The

¡es) u'ejoinedoiirfriends infront of hyped, underscrutinized event, meeting Packer thinks, f he idea's so wild it's going to work'the TV for a Jèstiz'e. sure-to-be- characterized by snafus, Wile asks me. What's the racers narne? or ifAre you kidding? I will getannual Tot4r de Trump party. . . . E. Coyote shenanigans. critical I'll ry. ATour de Trump." As killed in the media if! use that

Oops - sorry! We were errors and a remarkably casu- Francophones know, this term name. . . . You know, but it is athinking of the Super Bowl. al approach to facts. Cycling actually describes a race where great shrick."Actually, the Tour de Trump expert SYDNEY SCHUSTER tompetitors travel aroundwas that curious event last recaps the highlights.

TIlE PLATh HOTEl, MAN}A1rA$

-a This marks the third occa-

May that, according to its DLCLM$LR 6, 1*l

. namesake, was supposed to TRUMP TßER, MANuANThv:ç cycling's hottest stars SUMMER 1967 sion on which 'Ihutip

: worlds most lucrative Basketball analyst and entrepre announces the race. M. various times beat least three Europe.tn rieur Billy Packer, one ofthree

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Tour will lea-turc theAmericandebut of "thefirst Sovietp ro less i o n al

team . a

thrillingbreakthrouglin interna-donaI sportshistory" TheSoviet team,Alfa Lum,does notshow; theyare racingIn Spain. Trump. who has neverseen a bike race in person, goeson to promise that the event willbe 'the most unique and spec-tacular event on the Easternseaboard this year." Unique.ce n a i n ly

TRUMP SOAKING UPFLASHIULI GLARE

WITH WINNER DAG-OTTOLAURITZEN OF THE

7-ELEVEN TEAM.

MAY 5. 1919(ilki.frotion 1) The prologue tothe race is a two-mile individualtime trial, in which each riderraces alone against the clockand the best time wins. thus es-tablishing a race leader. Gover-nor Cuomo is supposed to firethe starting pistol but backsout. A 'frump spokesman de-scribes Trumps reaction to thenews: "Privately, he might be abit angry, but publicly he didn'tflare up at all." At the last mo-ment Cuomo finds time in hisoverbooked schedule to appear.

kIANYMAY 6

The first stage of the Tour is a110-mile race down to NewPaitz, New York. Though Sovi-et amateur Viatcheslav Ekimovis the worlds fastest track racer,the pros are flummoxed whenhe soundly beats them on theopen road. This is not becausehe surprises them with his abil-ity but because he has brokena tacit rule of racing etiquette:Amateurs do not shou up the pros.

(2) Trump watches this leg ofthe race from the caravan of

102 SPY SFP1FÌ1FR 198')

100 or so sup-port vehiclesfollowing thecyclists, hisstretch limostanding outamong a packof bicycle-ladenh a t c h b a c k s,vans and Jeeps.

IHE PLAZA,

MAY 7

(3)Trump want-ed to start StageTwo of the Tour

in front of Trump Tower,where, he had rhapsodized inthe program notes, "more than120 cyclists will explode ontoFilth Avenue.' Unfortunately,the city has regulations curtail-ing public gatherings on FilthAvenue (and may well have anordinance against explodingbicyclists). and the start is re-located to another Trump ven-ue, the 59th Street side of ThePlaza. The new location guar.antees that the Tour de Trumpwill cross paths with the 25,000recreational cyclists involvedin ti-ic American Youth Hos-tels Five-Borough Bike Tour.Though Trump promises thatMayor Koch will launch this leg,a 123-mile race from Manhat-tan to Allentown, Pennsyl-vania"1 ust hope he doesntpoint the starting gun at me,"Trump says Koch declines tomake nice to his antagonist andstays home. In fact, the citydenies the Tour a racing permit,effectively rendering the first 35miles of this leg an escortedparade out oftown. Meanwhile,little things go wrong: Clif'Halse cycling expert for NBC(the network provides financialbacking for the event as well asbroadcasting it), fails to identifycycling superstar Andy H amp-sten, and the racers discoverthat the hot-pink-and-blackTour de Trump race leader'sjersey bleeds profusely whenwashed (4),

BEtWEEN Gnrrsau, PunmtwoA, AND

Wiciisï, YllNlAMAY 9

(5) The professional racerschoose this stage ofthe race tosend a subtle message to theprecocious amateur, Ekimov.Fifteen or so racers surroundhim, grab hold ofhis jersey andjam a feed bag into his wheel,allowing 7-Eleven, Panasonicand PDM team members tospeed away in front. Ekimovhas to stop and remove thefeed bag, which places him sofar behind that it becomes im-possible for him to win.

Bnwai Fmwu Ro*i, mo

Cwirusvia, VllNlAMAY 10

(6) The amateurs retaliate. In-spired by their Soviet coachwho commands his men, "Nopee-pee today!" the amateursburst past the professionals atthe moment the pros slow downto relieve themselves. AmateurRishi Grewal establishes an ex-traordinary lead that lasts wellover half the 107-mile race toCharlottesville, The pros even-tually catch up, after whichGrewal is "accidentally" hit bya support-crewJeep (7).

BALTIMORE

MAY 13(8) As the pros and amateurscontinue to battle extralegally,Trump chooses to watch thenext stage of'his Tour, a 5 l-milecircuit race. from the rrurnp

Princess. Later that day in Arlan-tic City he brushes off the cy-cling press and spends his timeshowing the boat to bigwigs.

Aumflc CIr

MAY 14

Pro races usually don't endwith time trials, but this onedoes. Because of the way timetrials are held (racers go off atspecified intervals), they offerTrump the picturesque visionof' racer after godlike racerthundering past the TrumpPlaza Hotel and Casino in

prime time indeed, he has icontractually stipulated thathe race end this way As befitan event run by amateurs anmedia hogs, the 24-mile timtrial is marked by numberless incidents of hanky-pankRacers illegally cut their timeby riding in the slipstreamof their escort motorcycles(9) Three riders converge headon from three different directions at an intersection, meanIng that at least two of thentook shortcuts or wrong turnsMany riders go off course because ofpoorly placed markerand a lack oí road marshalsOne of the world's foremostime trialists, Eric Vanderaerden, misses a well-marked turnprompting speculations thaieither he was intentionall)misdirected or he wasnt exactistrying to win. Trump and hi5armed bodyguards commandeer official motorcycles to secthe action better.

FINISH LINE, ATLANTIC Cui

MAY14After a race full of small disasters (a support van drives intoa ditch, the chief motorcyclemarshal totals an $11.500BMW and a sportscaster on amotorcycle trashes an ESPNvideo camera), $93,150 is

awarded to first-place finisherDag-Otto Lauritzen and his7-Eleven team, the same teamthat was featured earlier in theday in an elaborate three-and-a-half-minute NBC documen.taryalmost as if someoneknew the results ahead of time.

The real winner, of course,is Trump. In return for his$750,000 sponsor fee, he ha,got an estimated $45 millionworth ofpromotion for himselfand his buildings on NBC andESPN, reams of uncriticalnewspaper attention, and evensome bonus publicity for hisnot-yet-completed AtlanticCity Taj Mahal when a raceplunges into a barrier aroundthe construction site (10). )

THE RICHER TASTE OF MYERS'S

ALWAYS lOMES THROUGH.

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MYERS'S.THE TASTE WON'T MIX AWAY.

w'iuî;1,'

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They came Io the magazine s'wbbed and oi'erqiia/ijied in their

career clothes and pear/s. barely 21 and barely women. Lit-

tie did they know that their dream ¡ob zroii/d turn out to be a

gOthic misadi 'enture, directed by a peculiar man Ved Mehta

the ornery epic autobiographer u 'ith the legendary o/Jactory

sense. They came ignorant of the fates of their predecessors.

They ¿'ame as handrnaidens of/iterature. They left as

A newly nituted Euglish major, she arrives at the portals of the most pres-

tigious magazine in the world, hair slìin shoes polished. Under her arm

Is a new career-gal hrtetase, ¡n her purse a gleaming pen a gradua-

tion present, no doubt. From West 43rd Street she takes the elevator

up to the eighteenth floor. llie doors open and our she steps. her heart

pounding. into what she imagines will he a glorious literary tutore. After

taking a deep. very satisfied breath. she navigates her way down the dim.

crooked hallway and finds the door. Knocking softly. she enters and there

he is. A great Neu brke'r writer And the great Neu. Yorker writer is her

boss! Her heart beats fster as she awaits his greeting. He looks

up, snifis. pauses a moment. 'Are you having your period today?" he says.

ThE POOR NFW YORKJ:R. E\'ER SINCE THE puR(;E OF EDITOR WII.IJ.M SHAWN

( (1¿;y(1/;,J,,,49f 47J,ijtf three years ago. things just haven't been the same. The magazine doesn't corn-

SEPTEMBER 19895PY 105

mand the quasi-religious respect that it did in the old days.The new editor in chief, Bob Gottlieb, is ridiculed for hispeculiar hobbies (collecting painted-by-number canvases,aluminum tumblers and plastic handbags). The maga-zine's previously untouchable bell-jar journalists (RenataAdler, Janet Malcolm, John Hersey) are mocked and at-tacked in the press. And now one of The Neu' Yorkers lastlines of defense, the legions of loyal, tight-lipped youngwomen - the secretaries, typists, fact checkers and edi-tonal assistants - an army of well-brought-up subalternswho have kept mum about all the in-house scandals thesemany years, are finally beginning to talk.

Well, moan, really. Sob. Whine. Wail and complain.Once they start with the painful memories, there's no stop-ping them. They meet at literary events, picking at oldwounds and enumerating past injustices, cursing The NewYorker for blighting their innocent lives. "You can't go to abook party without running into one or two," says a NewYorker fact checker. "And ifs always the same sad story."

They swap examples of vile insults, rages and tan-trums, and strange sorts of discrimination. And it allhappened, they say in hysterical whispers, still a littleunbelieving of their own misfortune, in the hallowedoffices of The Neu. )rker. Yes, The Neu' Yorker.

The sob sisters of The New Yorker.Or the Vedettes, as they are known tothe magazines staff that genera-tion or two ofunforrunate women thepersonnel department has dutifullyfunneled to Ved.

That's Ved Mehta, of course. Theesteemed Indian author of morethan 16 books and an inexorableautobiographyits sixth install-ment, The Stolen Light, was publishedin 1987which he believes will spanmore than a dozen volumes beforehe's through. Ved, who is blind, hasbeen a staffwriter at The New Yorkersince 1960. In that time he has dic-tated and published more than 1.25million words about himselfand hisfamily. It will take more than EvelynWood to get you through this bodyof work. One critic, after wadingthrough Ved's biographies of hisparents, Mamaji and Daddyji, wasmoved to comment: "Enoughji.'

Even more remarkable, though, isthe fact that each word ofVed's long-winded, self-obsessed, Oxford-edu-cated Englísh prose has to be painstakingly transcribed inlonghand by a Vedette. Ved does not believe in word pro-cessors even for the help. He does not believe in Brailletypewriters. Or Dictaphones. Or tape recorders. Why, afterall, did God invent Vedettes? "It's incredible," says one re-cent Vedette, "that in the twentieth century he would in-sist that you write everything down, until you feel likeyour hand is going to break, with him yelling, 'Faster!

Faster! Why are you so slow?"Silly girl. Doesnt she know a great New Yorker tradition

when she's experiencing one?lt has long been the hallmark of a certain type of Neu

Yorker writer to write tens of thousands of words on sub-jects so arcane or insignificant that only an academic couldpossibly withstand the onslaught, let alone retain the mean-ing. let alone care. It has also long been a great New Yorkertradition to coddle these writers, to cater to their every whim,lest the slightest interruption from the outside world causethem to lose their sublime train ofthought. Anyway, whatis the youth of a bright girl measured against, say, JohnMcPhee's dense, three-part, 53,000-word article on platetectonics?

Ah, the great Neu' Yorker traditions. Gothic in theiranachronisms, legendary for their paternal queerness. iremember,' explains Amanda Vail!, executive editor of Vi-king Penguin. who was aVedette in the early 1970s, "thereseemed to be a tradition that the writers never sharpenedtheir own penci!s." During her second week on the job, shenoticed that a!! of the pencils in Ved's oflice were dull."Ring Carmine," Ved told her when she asked for a sharp-ener. Carmine promptly appeared with a tray of pencilsdivided into three compartments: freshly sharpened lead

pencils, colored pencils and usedpencils. Carmine took Vail!s stubby.. : pencils and handed back exactlythe same number of pointy ones. lt

twouldn't presumably, tomake a New Yorker writer do any.

-

thing as grubby as grind lead.: Then there's the magazine's storied

, . research department designed to. prevent the New Yorker writer from

wasting time and talent on verifyingthose slippery and mundane things,facts. Take writer Henry S. F. Cooper,the son of a socially prominent fam'ily (another great New Yorker tradi-tion) and a descendant ofJames Feni-more Cooper. His specialty is outerspace, and his stories represent thefina! frontier in fact checking.

Whenever the fact checkers wouldcall NASA and explain that they were

-'.working on one of his pieces, the

- -- , experts there would groan and say,'Hold on, I'm going to get some

__Jcoffee. This is going to take a longtime,' recalls a former employee ofthe magazine. In one case, she re-

members, "barely a sentence ran the way Cooper wrote it.

But then the same kind of thing was true of a number ofNew Yorker writers. There's a bevy of Seven Sisters girlshere helping these guys out."

Hence the battalions of fresh-faced young women.Overqualified and underpaid, these servants have workedanonymously in the stacks and dim offices of The NewYorker for years, dedicated to finding the truth, repairing

Ved in 1984: 1 million words, 240 V.dstt.s and counting

O6 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

syntax and making some sense of their masters' manu-scripts. Its a scene that might well have fueled the visionof the magazine's late cartoonist Charles Addams: pastywhite faces, unkissed by the sun or human affection, har-boring hideous thoughts as they dot the i's and cross theIs. "It gets very dccp hrc." says a current longtime cm-

Ved has been known to lise his olfactory

acuity to unfair advantage. greeting one tardy

Vedette with an icy "Did you

bathe?" and demanding ofanother.

Did you make love today»'

ployce. "The Neu' rkL'r houses all these crazy people. Itcan get very Strange."

But no Neu' rker writer has a record quite as notoriousas Ved Mehta's. At 55. Ved is still a prodigious worker; noone girl can satisfy all his demands. He books Vedettes inshifts: 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.; a short swing shift from sixto eight; evenings and weekends at home; and, occasion-ally, vacations. (He took a little redheaded Vedette awaywith him and his family last summer.)

Over the years Ved has run through hundreds of theseyoung assistants a conservative estimate of IO Vedettesper year means there are at least 300 ofthcm at largetohclp him read. prepare, edit and type his interminablemanuscripts and to prowl the encyclopedia for bits utwould-be first-person physical description, as well asanswer his mail. pay his tailoring bills and fetch his after-noon tea and Pt'pperidge Farm cookies. Hes even beenknown to date them, "Service is archetypal to The Neu

thrke,;" says one dette. 'And Ved and the Vedettes are

archetypal to 'l'be Neu )brke,:" Most former Vedettes. hap-pily, have managed to put the experience behind them andhave forged productive post-Ved lives as novelists. editors,journalists and English teachers.

\Were talking almost 30 years of Vedettes. A regularsorority ofsorrow and pain. Wcre talking years of therapy.and man); many therapists. It's been going on since theprefeminist era, and it continues today in these post-feminist times, when women - and men will do anythingto get a foot in the famous door on West 43rd Street.

iwelve Vedettes wcrc interviewed for this article. They

rworked

for Ved during a periodspanning 1966 to the present.Several more refused to talk,mumbling apologetically. al-most inaudibly, as did one 24-year-old who served Ved ear-lier this year. "lt wasnt a verygood experience," she said. "Fmsorry. ¡tOs still too painful totalk about." Click. Dial tone,Oh dear

ifonly they hadn't been Englishmajors, maybe they would have liad happier lives.

On the other hand, consider Tamajanowitz. She was aVedettefor-a-day, back in 1982, and now shes a really fa-mous writer who even inspired a boutique in Blooming-(laie's for a month earlier this year.

IT IS A Rt'rE OF PASSAGE OF SORTS, THAT hARROWING FIRST

job for a prestigious employer that your parents are soproud of and you are desperate to quit after the secondclay. Editorial assistant at 'The' New rker it sounds somuch better than t;pist. Better than lnianuenJiJ, or justplain slate, which is really more like it. "In effect, 'ou werehis eyes and you had to do what he wanted when he wantedto do it," says one Vedette, who put in an 18-month tour otduty after graduating from Radcliftè. "It would present

WAt.1Ipd' THI IXCIRPYS PILOW AU £XTRAORDDIAIILY DULL AND TIDIOUS, AMD THIP1 PUBL$CATI0" N THIS MAGAZIP'E IN P40 WAY

I'hIo'ng"i sriùrrÚ1 ib& o stlyTtho long of it

-N-I-. I I%IU I_' U I%I : I-Ir U

n the foreword to Vedi,

the third ofsix published

,Ivolumes of his ongo-¡ng autobiography, VedMehra writes: . - . mem-

ry expands by somemd of associative pro-ess, so that a remem-ered scene that at firstems hardly worth a line

rows in the act of think-

ing and writing into achapter, and this full-

blown memory uncoversother memories, otherscenes, which in theirturn expand and mul-tiply." Expansion andmultiplication are in-

deed the tools of Meh-ta's tradein the 2,196

pages of his six corn-

pleted autobiographicalvolumes, the 55-year-oldauthor has covered hislife only up to the ageof 22. Given that so farMehta has devoted anaverage of 78.4 bookpages to each ofthese 22

years, which is 6.5 pagesabout each month of hislife, which is 63 words or

roughly three sentencesabout each and every day

ofhis life, he will need towrite at least 2,587 morepages (or, if printed inThe New Yorker, where all

six of the books origi-nated, about five solidissues_ worth) to docu-ment the years up to hispresent age. But all this

sEPTEMBIR !') SPY

problems for anyone who has trouble sublimating theiridentity."

Ved's unpopu1arit) however, isn't limited to the peoplewho wait on him. For example, many ofhis colleagues findhis hyperdeveloped sense of smell a little unsettling. Hehas claimed that his nose can differentiate between meat-eaters and vegetarians, and he boasts of a bloodhoundsability to recognize people by their scent alone. Some NewYorker writers who especially dislike Ved refuse to pass himin the hail so he can't sniff them and say hello by name.Ved has also been known to use his olfactory acuity to un-fair advantage, greeting one tardy Vedette with an icy "Didyou bathe?' and demanding of another, "Did you makelove today?"

This sort of special skill has not helped Ved win thehearts and minds ofhis Vedettes. Some, likejanowitz, tookone look and knew Ved wasn't for them.Janowitz says shespent a day alone with Ved in his eerily quiet apartment"reading letters his father had written him when Ved wasa little boy." She never went back. Others go into the jobwith their eyes open: one Vedette says that at her interview;the young woman she was replacing slipped her a hastilyscribbled note that read, "Dont take thisjob!' Some last afew weeks. Only the very hardy or very ambitious man-age to stick it out for the full one- or two-year commit-ment Ved usually demands when he plucks them freshfrom the schoolyard.

But each in her turn arrived at The New Yorkers dooreager to be a handmaiden of literature. Full of ambitionand great expectations, Dorothy Parker epithets ringing intheir ears, they answered the ad in the Times or posted ontheir campus career-planning bulletin board. ("Wanted:Editorial assistant at a national magazine ...... Generallyno mention of Ved or of the handicap he never mentionshimself.) But nothing, they swear, nothing at Wellesley,Bryn Mawr or Vassar prepared them for Ved.

"I remember very carefully color-coordinating my outfitthe day ofthe intervie" says Liz Rosenberg, who was 21

that summer of 1977 and who says she had a positive Vedexperience. "Two minutes before the interview a friendtold me Ved was blind. I would never have known if hehadn't bumped into the coffee table. lt was a very strangeinterview He asked funny questions like 'Do you sleepwell at night? Do you have worries or fears about things?Then he asked me to guarantee Id stay a year." Anotherparticularly bitter Vedette, who answered the Times ad inthe spring of 1976, remembers her intervies at least, withsome fondness. "Writing is the religion here," Ved toldher. "The Neu' Thrker is the church."

"It was my first job out of school," she recalls. "I was inawe. I was at The New Yorker."

Typically, things did not go well. Veds office on the eigh.teenth floor is a claustrophobic, bookfilled little boxwith one desk. His Vedette perches at his side, wedged be-tween the corner of the desk and a filing cabinet. Eighthours elbow to e!bos ear to ear with Ved. Ved, who isdistracted by the faintest sound. Ved, who inquires afterthe precise cause of the slightest twitch or embarrassingitch. Ved, who cannot tolerate any interruption, par-ticularly personal phone calls. Ved, who is in the habit ofremoving his shoes and resting his feet on the edge of thedesk, inches away from the miserable Vedette.

"Every morning when I got to work," remembers aVedette flOW ifl publishing, "Id have to take offmy brace-lets and pearl necklace because they jangled, which dis-turbed him. You literally stripped for action. You becamehis instrument. It can feel like you are relinquishingyour identity'

There is no time spent alone, no privacy at all. Becausehe is so utterly dependent on his assistants, Ved becomesoutraged at any inconvenience, sign of ill health, lazinessor lateness. The routine is deadening: Vedettes start theday by reading the Times aloudheadlines, Section C,anything about Indiafor about hallan hour. As soon asVed becomes bored by a story, he commands impatiently,"Go on, go on." The rest of the morning is given over to

tMPLII APPRAL QfTHJt,JTORS. DOOT OfjJOjATE HEAVY MACj$IHIRYAFTER .IADI?.

richly detailed and evoca- or three New Yorkers). a hint. (Unfortunately, al- scriptions of Indian bu- she impressed upontive catch.up writing will Unless Mehta is able to ter dozens of phone calls reaucracy, meticulous ac eryone around her ttake time: using his other speed up his output, to Vedettes, New Yorker counts ofhow he learned virtues of detachmebooks as a gauge, the then, at age 89, in the employees and India basic skills andmost and discipline, of puriforthcomíng2,587pages year 2023, Ved and the scholars, among others, delightfulscrupulous andgenerosityofpracshould be 7.1 volumes, Vedettesperhaps a we could find no one coverage of the health cality and cheerfulnewhich, based on the fre. thousand women by who had read widely in of every member of his by means of appropriaquency with which his thenwill have chron- Mehta's work. We there- family. Here is the Ved sayings: jehra ghariybooks have appeared, icled his life only up to fore had to hire a hardy, story so far: hal/Us tuina vi hashould take him another the age of 76. uncomplaining soul to ('What the potter h21 years to write. Those And what do we have skim all six volumes.) DADDYJI made must also breaknext 21 years will, in turn, to look forward to in Not only, we learned, (1972) 'Dekh paraee chopri te nrequire 13 ½ additional those eleven possible does Mehta relish dictat. p. 15: "Although Bhabiji tarsaeen jee/Rukhi mi:years' labor to reminisce forthcoming volumes? ing rambling, seemingly (Ved's grandmotherl khaeke te thandapanipabout and write up in We thought that a glance unedited portions of old could neither read nor ('Seeing another personsthe requisite 1,646 pages at highlights from the family diaries, he also write. she was well versed buttered bread, dont let(four and a halfvolumes, first six books would give excels at exhaustive de. in Punjabi proverbs, and your mind be disturbed;

108 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

dictation. Old-fashioned, longhand dictation. Ifhe makeschanges, the Vedette has to cut the loose-leaf paper she'sbeen scribbling on into strips, and then tape them backtogether, incorporating the changes. 'At the end of themorning," says one Vedette, "you have this huge stack of lit-tie torn strips of paper in front of you."

"Ved treats you like a servant. He believes in

the Indian caste system, and as a woman you are

a second-class citizen, " one

Vedette says. "He was a sexist,

oppressive, manipulative son ofa bitch"

After lunch (as little as 15 minutes, ifVed doesn't go tothe Century Club). Ved and his Vedette rework his latestcompleted piece. The typed manuscript is read aloud,edited and re-edited. The Vedette scribbles, cuts andtapes, and scribbles, cuts and tapes. The material, allVedettes agree, page after page of somber boyhood recol.lections, is excruciatingly dull (see "The Long and Short ofIt," page 107). After a few months, one Vedette says, "I wastotally depressed. It had been my dream to work at TheNew Yorker, and it had turned out to be a nightmare."

DID THEY TELL YOU ABOUT THE 'FEMALE SMELL COM-

ments?" asked a polite New Yorker staffer with inflected,Brahmin a's. "It's so sad," she continued in a very soft voice,"so painful."

Must be another great Neu; Yorker tradition.'He'd sort ofsniffaround and ask iII was having my pe-

nod," recalls a Vedette who is now a writer at a New Yorknewspaper. "He treats you like a servant. He believes in

the Indian caste system, and as a woman you are a second-class citizen. He purposely hires only young women be-cause he knows he can manipulate them. He was a sexist,oppressive, manipulative son ola bitch." After 13 monthsshe couldn't take it anymore, and quit. But before she left,she thought of a way to avenge herself and to wreak havocwith Ved's strangely attuned nose. She invited her boyfriendup to the office and, while Ved was on vacation, they movedall the furniture and made love on the floor. "It was an actof defiance," she says proudly, "pure rebellion." Whetherthey moved the furniture back after they finished is unclear.

IThe man who once managed to

spin 15 colorful pages out of afew boils on his youthful headhas no problem coming up with

.

innovative ways to be sexuallypatronizing. Besides menstrua-tion, Ved is wont to bring upother discomfiting topics as part

-ofthe daily across-the.desk ban-ter. "Once, right out of the blue,"recalls a Vedette who says shewas very young and naive at the

time, "he turned to me and said he had been at a clitori-dectomy for a baby girl in Indonesia. Then he said, 'Butmany women tell me they don't care ifthey have an orgasm:I didn't know what to say. It was very strange." She quitafter seven months, and took a job as a proofreader at aplace where she was no doubt surrounded by sensitive,caring, tasteful, modern men - Esqiire.

"Everyone at The New Yorker knows about Ved, that hehas these vexed and troubled relationships with thesegirls," says a freelance writer who did a brief stint as aVedette. The library is across from Ved's office, so everyonecan see the girls fleeing in tears. Or, in a few cases, cata-pulting out the door in a ball of fury.

Every Vedette-abuse story, it seems, has its corollary ina tale of Vedette revenge. One longtime New Yorker em-

IJNAftILY PULL AND TEDIOUS. AND THuIR PUBLICATION IPI THIS MAGAZINE tP4 NO WAY IMPLIES TNt APPROVAL OF THE £DITOS. DO NOT C

dry and nonwheat the Department of Pub- Ovaltine at bedtime, and MAMAJI _. .. hi and talks about corn-

bread and drink water'); lic Health at University some fruit he had picked (1979) mittee appointments'i%fala ieri kath di dbage College in London up at Shearn's, a fruit p. 252: Discussion of ("We have been looking

huepromanvichghundipap pp. 80-81: Account of shop inTortenhamCourt Marnaji's friend's hus- for a suitable organizing

di R.amjape ki ho' ('I have Daddyji's diet while in Road" band's job as low-level secretary for the newstrung your prayer beads college: he would have a pp 87-88: Daddyji turns accountant with the rail- King George Thanksgiv-

on a thread, but when the light breakfast and then, down offer by established ways ("He was singular ing [Anti-Tuberculosisi

heart is impure, what "at noon, he would go to doctor to become his in having had an offer of Fund,' General Megaw

is the use of invoking a nearby restaurant and assistant"'1 am hon- promotion early in his said 'It's ayear's appoint-

Ram?'); 'Wand khae so get fish and chips and a ored,' he said. 'But I career and having re- ment to an ad-hoc post. I

khandkhae/KalIa khae ¡o glass ofmilk at the cost of must go home and share fused it, wryly observing, think you are the rightdad Khae' ('To one who a shilling and sixpence. what I've learned here. 'There is greater scope man for it, but I will have

shares food it is sugar; to He would have a frugal My mother used to say, for my small talents as a to consult Sir Fazii Hu-

one who eats alone it is dinner in the dining "To one who shares simple accountant') sain, chairman of thea toad')" room ofthe Shakespeare food it is sugar; to one pp 255-262: Daddyji at- Anti-Tuberculosis Fund

P,' 19-80: Discussion of Hut. . . . Occasionally, he who eats alone it is a tends Ml-India Leprosy Sub-committee ofthe In-

the admission policy of would have a snack of toad" Association in New Del- dian Red Cross Society"')

SEPTEMRF.R 1989 SPY 109

benign, shc says she vi11 never forgivt Vtd. "He's a twerp,"she says today 1 hope he faLls down in the street."

lt must be said that not all Vedettes stand shoulder toshoulder against Ved. And by all accountsthe hard cvi-dence notwitbstandingVed is fond ofmany ofthc youngwomen who wait on him. He can even be charming, once

One New Yorker employee remembers walking

into Ved's office to see a spiteful Vedette

reading to him wearing Groucho A'larx

glasses and mustache. Another

is said to have spray-painted Veis

shoes Day-Gb orange

presenting an especially obedient Vedette with a gold-embroidered silk sari. Another Vedette remembers thatwhile she was working for him, Ved dated two ofher col-lege girlfriends. The parents of one of the girls were lessthan pleased. "I got through it because I was married' saysthe Vedette, "and because we got along okay."

Although he declined to be interviewed for this story,Ved did recommend Gwyneth Cravens, the writer ofromance novels, as a source. It turns out Cravens wasthe overnight replacement for the aforementioned sicklyVedette. Cravens is a model of Vedette virtue. She is de-voted to Ved. She cannot fathom why so many girlshave suffered at his hands. "I found it a very good ex-perience," she insists. Cravens admits she's heard the hor-ror stories, but puts most of it down to griping. "Vedis very demanding of himself. He wants a very high qual-¡(y of person working with him. With Ved, you can't

goldbrick," she says, with obvious disdain for scoresof less zealotis Vedettes. "This was prewomens lib.you understand. lt would never have occurred to me tocomplain."

"Women's liberation didn't invent selfrespect," says aVedette in response. "Cravens was a brownnosing socialclimber who wanted to get in good with Ved."

Ved's worst tantrums always started, say rhc Vedettes,when he felt threatened or insecure. He would immedi-ately seize upon a particular weakness of his vassal. be-rating her intelligence, her boyfriend. even her biologi-

- cal clock. "The guy could really

J

get to you," says one Vedette whois now an editor. "He was like

- : a human tuning fork, He can; pick up on the slightest things -

y.your mood, your state of mind.- He could be crushing. lt wasweird." Another Vedette says,

"He likes to luck with yourmind." And another. slightlyi .- more articulate Vedette theorizes,"Ved likes ro throw people off,

to put them at the disadvantage he himself always feels."The most intense Ved skeptics are not fully convinced

that anyone could produce such detailed visual passages ifhe were actually blind. According to the Vedette turnededitor, her colleagues "would constantly say. 'Do you thinkhe can see?" This is a notion that Ved doesn't discourage.(In one often-told incident. a young writer became ob-sessed with the notion that Ved could, in tact, see, At aliterary function, the story goes, the young writer spotteda dapper Indian gentleman, walked directly over andstarted making extraordinary faces and obscene gesturesat him. The mortified hostess, as she dragged the youngwriter away, asked. 'What in God's name were you doingto V. S. Naipaul?")

Ved doesn't wear dark glasses. for example. and inten-

IN THIS MAGAZIP4L R4 MO WAY IMPLItS TNt APPROVAL OP IHL EDITORS. 00 NOT DRIV( REAr

very much happens at

me/as

pp. 238-239: Ved learnshow to knit

p. 243: Ved describes hishabit of squeezing hissisters' breasts and saying

"Ponk, ponk"

pp. 370-371: Ved and hiscousins get scabies

pp. 427-430: Ved learnshow to type

SOUND-SHADOWS OF

THE NEW WORLD

(1985)pç57-58: Ved learns how

to pronounce civics

pp. 93-95: The superin-tendent of the ArkansasSchool for the Blind dis-cusses the school budget

pp. 103-104: Transcription

of postscript of a letterfrom Daddyjifirst inphonetic Hindustani andthen in Englishpp. 119-120: Ved's reportcard: "English, A; Civ'ics, C ; Junior BusinessTraining, B; General Sci-ence, C + ; IndustrialArts, Incomplete; Physi-

cal Education, B; Piano,

B + ; Orchestral Instruc-tion (Violin), Incomplete;

Public School Music(Choir), A , , . , School

Life: Co-operation, Av-erage; Courtesy, Aver-age; Attitude, Average;Personal Appearance, Av-

erage; Dining Room Eti-quette, Average; House-keeping (No Rating).Dormitory Life: Co-oper-ation, Average; Courtesy,

Good; Attitude, Average;

Personal Appearance,Average; Dining RoomEtiquette (No Rating);

Housekeeping, Average"

pp. 181-196: Account ofVed's summer jobpacking and stackingboxes

pp. 302-308: Sample testquestions and Ved's re-sponses from historyclass, plucked almost atrandom from hundredsof pages of that youthfulrecord"

ThE STOLEN LIGHT

(1987)

pp. 46-50: Discussion ofthe tedious process of ap-

plying tor scholarshipsand financial aid

pp 67-68: Two pages onLux soap

p,' 110-112: Ved wishes he

had learned Latinpp. 118-124: Ved signs upfor classes at PomonaCollege: - - - I eventuallysettled on History of theDevelopment of Western

Civilization, with JohnGleason (professor. 1939;

BA,, Ph.D., Harvard; B.Litt., Oxford); the His-tory ofEuropean Philos-ophy. with W. T Jones

SEPTEMBER 19$9SPY Iii

ployee says he remembers walking into Ved's office once tosee a spiteful Vedette reading to him wearing GrouchoMarx glasses and mustache. Another Vedette is saidto have spray-painted Ved's shoes Day-Gb orange. Yetanother routinely refused to tell him when he had dribbledbits of egg salad on his shirt. And one, who was sick ofVeds compulsive finickiness about col.ors, bought a horse-manure brownblotter fbr his desk when he had re-quested blue or red.

"You have to understand," explains mint o lypl

noon,__ she says. "lll remember every vord of it for therest of my life.

..I told him that Sloan-Kettering said I was finishedfor the afternoon,' she continues in a low voice, "butthat I had to go back for surgery in two days. He said,'Well then, come back to work for the rest of the day: He

never asked me how I was feeling.J:Iy#t.:x.]1* "When I got to the office," she says,

"there was another woman sitting inmy chair doing xy job. I thought shemust bea temp. Vedgreeted me coldlyHobk Possbli

a male Neu Yorker statler, "that they coIdosoi fo«min? sidssf$.cts and told me to work on his personaldid these things to get a little of their E.]. KAHNJR., ¡8 cartoons No Obsesrion wiih business and pay his bills. He pointedown back. Some shred of dignity At author offitie. :ngredienu labels to a chair in the corner. I automaticallyfirst," he adds, 1 thought Ved didnt pari series oz grain on cereal boxes sat down and got to work. After I wasintend to be mean. That he couldnt PAUL ¡5 cartoons No Preference/or finished, I was feeling so miserablehelp it. But after a while you could BRoDEUR, leadJined just sat there.'see th at he k new exactly wh at he was author ofibree-parier on electromagnetism clothing

Ve d , he a r i ng n oth i ng 1ro m herdoing. And some of it was so awful." ELIZABETH 2 cartoons No Disinclination corner, demanded, "What are you

The most telling incident ofall may DREw, author io visitfriends doing?"be the one endured by another Vedette

ofico-frequent Washington columns in Washington "Nothing' she replied.who is now an editor at a New York WARM MILK 2 cookies No Funny aftertaste 'Why are you doing nothing?" henewspaper. She worked for Ved right NEMBUTAL Gulpof Possibly onfusion,hyper- asked.out of Bryn Mawr, in the late sixties. water kinesis, ha/luci- "Because I'm through, she said."The job was attractive to an English nations. anxiety "Well then. get us some tea," he said.major with literary ambitions," she dizziness

Would you like some tea and cookies?recalls with a choked laugh. VED MEHTA, I7cartoons, Definitely Lapsedsub- he inquired solicitously of his new

TI,. , .. .A I, autobiographer I poem no scription to TheL £I £LJ !.4LI'.ay J&

ing relationship, but everything wasgoing reasonably well until the fourth week. The Vedettewas diagnosed as possibly having cancer, and was told toreport to Sloan.Kettering the next day for tests. "I didn'tknow a soul in New York,' she says. "1 was terrified. So Itold Mrs. Walden [head of both the secretarial pool andthe editorial assistants for many years). And I had to tellVed, because I would be gone most of the day."

After a day ofblood tests and examinations, she phonedVed at 4:00 p.m. "I'll never forget what he said that after-

New YorkerI served them both tea, says the

Vedette, "and then I sat in the corner until six o'clock. ThenI went straight to Mrs. Walden, crying. 'I quit. I'm broke,'I said, 'but I can't work for that man anymore.' She saidsimply, 'I kno dear." It seems that on the previous after-noon, after the Vedette had told Ved she needed to go rothe hospital for cancer tests, he had fired her and hireda replacement.

Although the Vedette found a job working for anothereditor at 'lhe Neu. rke,; and her tumor turned out to be

)RIVE OR OPIRATI KIAVY MACHINIRY AFTLR RIADING. WARNING! THL £XCLRPTS 5LLOW A( EXTRAORDINARILY DULL AND TIDIOUS. ANI

p' 270: Mamaji contractsdiarrhea as result of all-grape dietpp. 274-273: Daddyji sub-

mits annual budget forAnti-Tuberculosis Fund

pp- 278-279: Discussionofteas at Ladies' Chelms-

ford Club, including ob-servation that "not muchhappened at these teas"

pp. 287-289: Mamajicoughs up phlegm withblood in itpp. 289-292: Mamaji'sfriends husband no long-

er wants co be an accoun-

R) SPY SEPtEMBER 1989

tant ("'I am about toretire. I have had my in-flings, and I have servedthe government faithfully.I doubt if any officialin my department couldfind fault with my service

as an accountant. . . . I

want only one thing nowfrom the government andfrom life. . . . I want a con-

tract from the railways for

an exclusive food conces

sion at the Delhi station")

pp. 295-291: Daddyji falls

ill with colibacillosis,starts to pass spongy

matter from his bladderpp. 317-320: Bhabiji fallsill; Ved contracts menin-gitisp. 328: Mamaji has asd-matic attacks in whichher throat fills withphlegm

VEDI

(1981)

p. 33: "'This Lifebuoy is a

very good soap. . . . All the

boys use it and it keepsus free of boils. . . . This

is a very good oil. . . . All

the boys use it, and it

keeps licepp. 38-39: Ved has a sneez-

ing fit in a dormitoryp' 47: Ved's first word inEnglish is chicken

p. 165: Ved has sties, boils

and bronchitis. Mentionsin passing that duringhis first year ofschool hehas had typhoid twice,malaria three times andseveral undiagnoseddiseasespp. 169-179: Entire chap-ter about ringworm onVed's head ("One morn-ing when I woke up, I felt

a thick clump ofhair onmy pillow. Next to myear, there was a big baldpatch. which felt cold and

embarrassingly naked. ...

SNow Sister Umi will call

me Baldy,' I cried. 'Umiwill do no such thing,'Daddyji said. 'Besides,bald children are nice")

ThE LEDGE BETWEEN

THE STREAMS

(1982)pp. 88-94: Description of

mela (local fair), with ob-

servation that "nothing

tionally uses sighted language. He likes to complimentnaive new Vedettes on their haircut, or casually observethat they look better in blue. (Rick Hertzberg, the lotharioand New Republic writer who had the neighboring New

rker office in the early 1970s, was usually his recoiì-naissance man. giving Ved a rundown on the more attrac-

1)/i riiig L;e; interview, one Vedette was ./ìpped

a' hastily scribbled note by the young

¡coman whon she was to replace. The

?iote read. Don't take tuis job!

tive Vedettes; perhaps Hertzberg was responsible lòrVeds predisposition for dating smoky. dark-haired youngwomen.) More often, Ved would observe critically that anovice Vedette "looked exhausted." Invariably, the startledyoung woman would flee to Mrs. Walden to ask, again, ifVed was really blind.

What nade life with Ved intolerable, agree the Vedettes,was that they felt utterly isolated. "People looked at you asthough Veds office was the servants wing," says the Vedettein publishing. "I felt likejane Eyre."

"Here I was at The New órke,' says one bubbly Vedette,"and I never met anyone. No writers. Not a soul. JustVed." Whats more, no one at The New 'órker seemed tocare. The other researchers and fact checkers shunnedthem, the Vedettes being a lower life-form within themagazine's complex ecosystem. 1 remember running into[writerl Jamaica Kincaid in the hall one day long after Iquit," recalls a bitter Vedette. "She said, YOU were a Vedette,weren't you? You had that look. After a few months, yourclothes got darker and darker. and your face got longerand longcr.'

lt's safe to say that Ved, while never a popular figure atthe magazine. was until recently a protected one. He wasone of Mr. Shawn's favorites; along with Jonathan Scheu(known around some New Yorker offices as "the incrediblyboringJonathan Schell"), it was Ved who was invited tospend Christmas and Thanksgiving at the Shawn home.Mr. Shawn would have been very angry ifVed were ever leftwithout an assistant because some kindhearted editor hadoffered her a more congenial spot on staff.

Under the new regime, Ved's situation is (]uite du-Ierent. Gottlieb is said to be less enthralled with \'eds on-

going family saga, and only one23,000-word remembrance hasrun in the last year. New rkerites

say he is more careful not tocause a fuss or to make OLit-rageons demands on the mes-sengers, who were once orderedto do everything from his bank-ing to taking his Turnbull &Asser shirts to the tailors to havethe cufis adjusted.

Ved has reportedly mellowedsince his marriage to Linn Cary,

£L years ius junior. She is the niece oí his friend, theerror-prone space expert Henry S. E Cooper. and agraduate of Yalc and Oxford. Colleagues say that Vedis increasingly preoccupied with the couple's two youngchildren these days, and that as the focus of Ved's emo-tional obsession, they are even beginning to replace theVedettes.

Si ILIHI-I! Confidential to Amy Clyde. the Vedette enp/oyer/ teread t/,is ,,iagazi?ie lo s'ed: Don: read this paragraph out loud.R.ather make a Isright critical co,nment about this ar/k/es01 'eralript ending. :ne/ take the opportunity to pill )Oil thumhs ¿n

)Oilr ears. u igg/e your fingers and stick out )wlr tongue. Peel bet-1er? lIare a Pepperidge Farn, cookie. Haze tuo. )

ING. WARNIP4G THE EXCERPTS BELOW ARE EXTRAORDINARILY DULL AND TEDIOUS. AND THEIR PUBLICATION IN THIS MAGAZINE IN NO W

(professor, 1938; B.A.,Swarrhmore; B. Litt, Ox-ford; Ph.D., Princeton);Elementary French andElementary French Con-versation, with Robert F.Leggewie (assistant pro-fessor, 1951; B.S, Loy.ola; M.A., Universityof Southern California;A.M., Ph.D., Harvard);Introduction to Music,

ith Daryl Dayton (asso-ciate professor, 1938;

B.Mus., Oberlin College;graduate study in Berlinand New Yoçjwith Ar-

SPY SEPTEMBER !99

tur Schnabel, LeonardShure, Dalies Frantz, andGuy Maier); Fundamen.tals ofSpeech, with Ben-jamin Scott (professor,1923; B.A., University of

Southern California;S.T.B., ph.D., BostonUniversity; graduatework, Brown and Haryard); and two physical-education courses"pp. 168-174: Ved runs intoformer college chum andhas him read all the en-tries from his collegediary Çjanuary 28th:

History Final, 8. January30th: Spanish Final, 8.January 31st: English

Final, 8. . . - February 3rd:

Speech Final, 9. - . . Feb-

ruary 6th: SemesterBreak Begins")

pp. 275-276: Ved discusses

his childhood habit of ex-

amining breasts and but-tocks of a dollp- 327: On Daddyji's sug-gestion that Ved write abook: i myself secretlywanted ro write the storyof my life. I thoughtit would be cathartic.

There was somethingchallenging about writ-ing a book somethingnot generally associatedwith blind people. Any-way, a book would helpme define myself, andcould win a place for mein the wider world. . . . As

I thought about writingthe narrative, it becameclear to me that writingabout myselfwould meanconfessing very personalthings. I couldn't think ofanyone better for such adelicate, intimate job of

amanuensis than )ohnnie

Johnstone. For one thing,no one had a more sym-pathetic ear. But. moreto the point, I thoughtthat telling her the storyof my struggles overdays, weeks, and months

mightjust mightmake her fall in love

with me"

pp' 378-380: After expe-riencing irritation in

bowels, Ved has appen-dectomy (lo be continued)

- Benjamin Egg

.M.__ -' ----.. . ,: jf-'-

--',--,--- -- ww

OTHIS MONTH, NEW YORK'S FABULOUS, CANDIDATE-RICH MAYORAL CAMPAIGN

SEASON BEGINS TO DRAW TO A CLOSE, AS DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS GO TO THE

POLLS TO SELECT THEIR PARTY'S CANDIDATES. THESE CONTENDERS, ALONG WITH

THE SURE-LOSER CANDIDATES FROM FRINGE PARTIES, WILL BATTLE ON TILL NOVEMBER FOR THE

RIGHT TO SIT IN CITY HALL. THIS YEAR WE'VE BEEN TREATED TO A CAMPAIGN SO COMPELLING

THAT WE FOUND OURSELVES WISHING IT WOULD NEVER END, THAT THE CANDIDATES

COULD GO ON RUNNING FOREVERRAISING MONEY AND SPENDING IT, AIRING ANNOYING

TELEVISION COMMERCIALS AND BLOCKING THE SUBWAY ENTRANCES WITH LEAFLETEERS. IT

OCCURRED TO US: WHY NOT DEVISE A WAY TO PERPETUATE THE FUN? SO WE INVENTED...

BY JAMIE

MALANOWSKI

1I.i SPY SEPTEMBER I99

ÇU$4INGFORMAYOR

I. Get .t die. Or get i pairof dice and put one in yourpocket. In customary board-game fashion, players will roHthe die to determine the num-ber ofspaces they will move.You should also collect about60 small objects paper clips,fr example; each ofthese willrepresent $100.000, che basicunit of campaign currency.Put them in a centrally locatedhank. When candidates earn

I

money it comes from thebank; when they spend or for-feit money, unless otherwisenoted, it goes back there.2. Ideally, this is agame for sixplayers, but from three to eightpeople can play. One player isthe incumbent, the others are

; challengers. There are certainadvantages and disadvantagesto each role.3. Try to raise a lot of moneyfrom contributors or laborunions, or through fundrais-ers. Money can sometimes beused to purchase extra turnsand can always be used toavoid losing a turn. Buyinga new turn or buying back alost turn costs $100,000.The incumbent sttrts with

$500,000: challengers startwith $200,000.4. When you land on a FUN»-RAISER space. you have theoption ofthrowing yourself afundraiser. A fundraiser costs$300.000 to stage. A candi-dace who wants one rolls thedie; whatever number appears( x $100,000) is the amountthe event earns back. Thus,you may indeed make money(as much as $300,000),lose money (as much as$200.000) or break even.You cannot go into debt tohold a fundraiser.5. There are three kinds ofcards: labor-union-endorse-ment cards, mediaendorse-ment cards and GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS cards.

. Labor.union-endorse-ment cards. The first players coland on union-endorsementspaces get to draw union-endorsement cards. Once alltise endorsements have beenallotted, candidates subse-quently landing on thosespaces get nothing.

. Media.endorsementcards. These are also dis-tributed tin a first-come, first-

served basis (.t IIews.tper orTV station endorses only onecandidate).

. GOOD NEWSIBAD NEWScards describe an event, theconsequences of which willvary depending on whetherthe player who draws thecard is the incumbent or achallenger.6. ATTACK OPP0RTuNI-ry!

spaces offer you the opportu-nity to risk an attack on an op.ponent. You may choose notto attack, in which case yourturn ends. Ifyou choose to riskan attack, you must identif'which opponent you're goingafter. Both you and your op.ponent then roll the die. Thehigh roller wins; in case of atie, the attacker wins. The win-ner cakes $100,000 from theloser. A candidate with nomoney cannot launch an at-tack, since he/she cannot gointo debt. For the same rea-son, a candidate with nomoney who is attacked andloses is eliminated.7. Some spaces and cards in-struct players to move forwardor backward. When followingthese ordt-r. !1:r5 should 1g-

1l0?r :h :nstruet,'j,zj OPI t/.'e Jpa(awhere they are seat.

8. PRIMARY DAY. The first candidate to arrive here winshis/her parcys nominationand is allowed to continue. Allother candidates must thenroll the dic. The candidateVitl) the highest roll will alsol,c ,Lllowed to go on, as willthe Liberal Party candidate,should there be one, even ifhe or she is not one of theother two qualifiers. In theroll-off, each candidate getsone free roll. Additionally,candidates will be able tobuy as many rolls. at $100,000a roll, as they can afford.They must say in advancehow many rolls they arc buy-¡ng. and must roll them allat once, taking the highestroll. 1f there is a tie, the tiedplayers will continue to takefree rolls until a winner isestablished.9. The first player to reachGracie Mansion is the winntrThe candidate must enter onan exact roll - in ocher words.if the player is four spacesaway. he or she must roll a 4to win, not a 5 or a 6.

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December 1986BRATs

"Brats want everythingfamewithout achievement, moneywithout employment, t'un withouteffort. And brats get what theywant.

March 1987TRUE CoNFassloNs

"Hacking through the celebritymemoir glut. The sex! The drugs!The awkward lirose!" RockHudson, Charles Manson, TinaTurner and much, much more inour easy-to-rcad fOt(h)Ut chart.

. E September 1987THE MEN WHO DEFEND THE MOB

[hiE "Our American system of justice: requires that every defendant, no

matter how ViCiOUS or contempt-ibk. receive the best legal defensepossible.

October1987 ,(' fl .,

lUt; SPY 100 I"Our annual catalog ofthe truly ap- ,ç-palling, the unintentionally amus-ing nl the tinretievediv banal. --

November 1987. , ,.

In the age of Everythingscamand Whatevergatc, how, after 18years, can the Chappaquiddickcover-up remain so airtight? Goodquestion.'

March1988THE FILOFAX GENERATION

"Theyre always jotting, jotting,jotting, seemingly intent oncommitting to pacr every facet oftheir existence and systematicallycramming it all between the coversof their bulging planners.

April 1988

. OUR Nic..i ISSUE

.,- "Donald Trumpa heck of a guy.(;lamoruus Gals . . . Who NeverAge. lts Fun . . . to live inQucens.'

May 1988V. 1 tORATCITY!lt munches concrete, ir swims likea fish, it multiplies faster than arabbit. It can leap from rooftop torooftop, it can pop in through thetoilet. Its Rat; it numbers in themillions."

lune 1988COASTERS

"For the world's Coasters, there isno statute of limitations on therewards and privileges of earlysuccess."

July/August 1988

PARTY Guys!

"Nightlifc Decathlon. si'v privateeyes tailed the city's most relentlessnight crawlers for an evening andkept score. And dic winner is . .

JOINING

te?For back issues of SPY, send $4.00 per copy to SPY,

The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West, New York, N.Y. 10003.September 1988LLu.si U.i: 1ILLL: OUR SPEcIAiL()SANGELESISSUE

"The sex, the spandex, the pastels,the car phones, the irony shortageand the general uncensored dude-osity that make Los Angeles ashrine to vapid fun."

ç 1 V October 1988j I . THESPY 100

"Our annual census of the 100 mostannoying, alarming and appalling

1 : people, places and things."

November 1988FE UDS

"lt's not enough for some people tobe well-to-do and well known; theyneed to be well-to-do and wellknown and belligerent."

. December 1988SEVENTIES-SOMETHING

-"A return to the decade of'the mOodrings, ultrasuede, sideburns anddisco sex-machine Tony Orlando."

THE FoLLowIpG BACK ISSUES ARE AVAILABLE

1986 1)eoemher only

1987March, September. October

and November only-1988 All issues

1989 All issues

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L_l IC TI-I

,Y HENRY 'DUTCH HOLLAND

If I were an actor by profession, I'd have spent a good part ofthe summer gathering the materials with which to hang HowardKissel in effigy. The generally intelligent Daily News drama critic

managed to trigger in inc with a single reviewR E V I L W more compassion for than I

O F years of contact with that basically self-centeredRIVIEWIRS and expedientlot.

His piece on Arms and I

the Man at the Roundabout Theatre con-sisted offive paragraphs. The last two aredevoted to a discussion of the produc-tion, at one point even actually mention-¡ng a performer by name. And the first60 percent of the review? Well, Kisselspends the opening paragraph explainingthat he was accompanied to the play by a"civilian," whom he had already warnednot to expect much from the Round-about. The second paragraph mightseem the next logical place to begin adiscussion ofthe play. But hold on isn'tit more important to first explain whyyour wife and friends didn't attend?

Over the years, my friends have cometo admire my wife's seemingly uncanny

knowledge of when rot to go to thetheater. In the early days, they acceptedan invitation to join me eagerly. By nowsome have begun to say no automatically,which means I must constantly break in

fresh recruits.

Fine, that's settled, on to paragraph three.Time to talk about that play? No. Thereare still, after all, dozens of words left in

which to get into that. But first, howsyour civilian friend faring? "I offered myfriend the chance to leave after the firstact, but he gallantly chose to remain."

No question, the real drama at theRoundabout that evening was in the au-dience. By the time we learn, in the re-view's last sentence, that 'Daniel Gerrollhas good moments as 'the chocolate sol-diet, we feel as if we've spent a long,rainy weekend chez Kissel, with nothinggood to read or drink or listen tojustKisselian chitchat of an all too personalnature to pass the time.

Kissel's "Dear Diary" approach to cnt-icism is chronic. From his review ofFlorida Crathers at the Circle Rep: "In myyouth, I knew a lot ofmusicians. I got onvery well with the classical ones. . . . Hay-ing confided this to you . . And from hisreview of the delightful Kathy and Mo

Show: "There were . . . some references Ididn't catch, which made me feel odd. ...Now that Im an adult, it seems strangeto feel an outsider because Im not up onthe adolescent culture."

We know how that is, Howard. Every-one tells you life is going to get simplerwhen in fact it just keeps getting more corn-

plicated. But at least you know you can

always unburden yourself to us.Kissel's counterpart at the New York

Post, Clive "G.B.S." Barnes, also likes toadopt a confessional1

or at least conspir-atonal, tone. Useless, water-treadingphrases such as "and believe me" and'speaking for myself" abound. More jar.ring, philosophical ones also creep in,such as the rueful-sounding "what islaughingly known as real life" and "Thatalso is life," which ended a review earlierthis year. More recently Barnes wrote,"For as long as I can remember I have hada specially warm regard for the cheap,vulgar and popular. . . . Show me a gutterand I will sit down in it and watch theworld go by." Did I mention that Barneswrites for the New York Post'

Frequently Barnes's endearing asidesare set off with dashes. Look at almostany Clive Barnes review and you will see..-.. in superabundance. Accuracy andAppropriateness in Punctuation, a watch.dog organization, would, if it existed,pretty much have to insist that the criticstart spelling his name Clive - Barnes.Mind you, there are some absolutelysmashing magazines around town thatmake more than ample use of italics and

thematter of parentheses, the AAP wouldwell want to look at Francine Prose'sbook reviews for 7 Dayi. Thirteen phraseswere contained in parentheses in her notespecially.long review ofLoya/ties, and 15in her review ofSort ofRich. These OLit-

breaks may just be aberrations, probablyviral in nature, but she bears watching.

The fact that world.famous monologu-ist Spalding Gray can't write a checkwithout dragging "my girlfriend Renee'into the proceedings has been docu-mented here before. The once.amusingGray is at it again in 'First Home," aprecious "art of conversation" advertise.ment he wrote for AT&T. He and Reneedrive to their uew home, he and Reneesee three deer, he and Renee eat Chinesefood, he and Renee walk to the lake.When a noise wakes him up in the mid.dIe ofthe night, the following artful con-versation ensues:

"Renee, listen.'"Hmmm? Where am 1? What's all

that awful groaning?'I dont know, but were going to find

out."Ou the other hand, Renees omnipres-

ene k probably Grays best defense

against the charge that he is patheticallyself-centered : All those monologues. book

ret'iews. interviews, AT&T ad - they 're notabout me. they're about Renee. My girlfriend!collaborator Renee.

By now weve all readjay Mclnerney'simpassioned defense of his generation'sfiction writers in Esquire. In case youmissed it, it turns out that all those booksby Mclnerney and Tama Janowitz andBret Easton Ellis and the others that gotpanned were actually good. Anyway, inthe course of setting the record straight,the moderately talented Mclnerney takessome swipes at his critics, includingVanity Fair's enormously talented JamesWolcott. In fact, the nicest thing he callsWolcott is 'a wolfcub in sheepface."

Whoa. Criticizing critics that's myturf. Do I go around writing short storiesfor Self teaching night courses at TheLearning Annex, publishing disappoint-ing second and third novels and datingplucky models? Oh, I could have corn-mented on Wolcott's overexcited, even byWolcott standards, essay on Ayn Rand("she wanted a hunka, hunka burnin'love"; "do the wild thing"; "success in thesack"; "his engines slowly cooled"; "do thebump with bad mama"; "hunka, hunkaburnin' love" again; "hanky-panky"), butI didn't, because there was a simple ex-planation. In that same issue of VanityFair, not 70 pages away, a steamy profileola famous woman was no doubt quietlydriving the Wolcottian hormones wild:

Then she sits back and crosses her legs,confidently displaying her slender knees

and slim ankles in their sheer blackstockings. . . . The soft, breathy coquettesvoice . . . the silky, slurred, sophisticatedwoman-of-theworld voice . . . eyes like

heat-seeking missiles . . . she purrs. . -

Yep: Gail Sheehy on Margaret Thatcher.So Wolcott's state, I felt, was excusable.Eyes like heat-seeking missiles invariablymake me want to do the bump with badmama - perfectly understandable.

Speaking of hubba-hubba criticism,Pauline Kael might as well start takingthe Two Daves, Denby and Edelstein,both of them Kael acolytes, on the roadwith her. When Kael reviewed VampireKiss in The Neu' Yorke, she describedNicolas Cage as being "up there in thetir.' In fact, Paulette No. 1, Edelstein,liad anticipated the Kaelian trope dayscirlier, writing in the Post that Cage "lets

the madness ofhis parts infuse him andcarry him off," Then Paulette No. 2,Denby, writing in New York, found the incredible floating Cage "an actor withoutrestraint or ballast." Edelstein, all in tll.

oiitdoes Denby in sounding like Kaci.whereas Pauline writes that Cage's 'am-pire resembles the "vampire of Murnau's1922 Noiftratu," Edelstein, in his reviesoffered an additional doo.wop of crudi-tion, suggesting that Cage "conjures upthe rat-headed Max Shreck in the silentclassic Nosferatu." Next screening. whydon't Dave and Dave just call Pauline tocoordinate outfits?

Other critics speak as one simplybecause they share the courage to standup and say, We too can be painfully obvious.This time the root phrase is one dear tothe heart of Trekkies sorry, Trekkerseverywhere: "To boldly go where no manhas gone before."

"[In Star 'I'rek %'} Captain Kirk and hiscrew go where coo many film makershave too often gone before,"

Carynjames in The Neu York 'macs

"Star Trek continues to boldly go where

no TV series has gone before by spinning

off its own series of hit movies.'

Joe' Berlin in the Nets.' rk Poji

'Movie makers may well desire to gowhere none of the previous movies have

gone. but boltih?"

Mike McGradv in Ncz rk Ncuia'ay

"The Starship Enterprise was indeed go.ins where no man had gone before."

- Roger Ebert in the Daily News

Bonus points toJoey Berlin for not beingafraid to split the infinitive.

Ed Siegel of The Boston Globe, on theother hand, devised an opening for hisappreciation of Gilda Radner that wasunlikely to bear any resemblance to anyother Radner tribute:

Vhats ¿ti! this I hear a6out a g:IdcdJa: nerd

d)z?:g? %Vhat's all the Jic edont. an u a.

Cheddar? '!'Ijere are too maiy nerds aroanel. I

dont ca, if:heyre fat or thin. . -

Emily.

What? What?

Emily, it wasn't gilded fat nerd. It was

Gilda Raciner.

That silence you're hearing ¡s Ed Siegeltrying even now to persuade himself thatGilda, at any rate, would have lovedit. )

sIrrItREK 989 SPY 129

FASHIONIl _ I F

Publicists are the people wh make

the people who make the bea,iti [iii

people beautiftul seem beautijuf

s Y JO STOC KTO N

Mere nice clothes don't cut it anymore:today's fashion consumer wants to buy alift-style. And in order to sell one, a de-

signer needs a life-stylehimself, or at least the gen-

T H L eral impression of one. InTRADE order to get oneor to

massage an undesirableone (dissipation doesn't move frocksthese days) - fashion designers, naturallyenough, turn to fashion publicists.

For the dutiful modern publicist, notask is too trifling ¡n his mission to fine-tune the public image of his masters.In return for a healthy fee (five-figuremonthly retainers are usual), publicistsserve as both consigliere and lapdog. Theydesign shows, they arrange interviews;they tell a designer when to stop talk-ing and when to pour it on, how to live,eat, breathe and sleep. Why, their merepresence can aflix a certain social cachetto a designer, as Alexander Vreeland(grandson ofDiana) did with Ralph Lau-ren when he worked for him, or as PaulWilmot (erstwhile husband of socialiteMollie) has done with his look-alikeclient Calvin Klein.

Fashion publicists also act as buffersbetween designers and fashion editors,alternately demanding and refusing coy-erage as the moment dictates. They havebeen known to try to get reporters whodon't cow co their whims reassigned orfired by complaining about them to theirbosses. Andin the fashion publicist'sequivalent of leaving a bloodied horsehead at the foot of an obstinate studio

130 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

owner's bed by seating unfriendly fash-ion editors behind pillars at shows or,worse yet, not inviting them at all. Butmost of the fashion press being the will-ing PR appendage that it is, relationsbetween publicist and "journalist" arefrequently as cozy as cozy gets.

With such clients as Arnold Scaasi,Bob Mackie and Carolyne Roehm,JodyDonohue ofJody Donohue Associates isone of the most influential publicistsin the fashion business. And her verypersonal bond with one of the most in-fluential editors at Fairchild's unshakablyevenhanded Wometù Wear Daily does nothinder her in this regard. Donohue andher friend are driven professionals forwhom the workday can stretch on allnight long. On at least one occasion, aFairchild subeditor found a note fromthis editor ordering him off to a newdesigner's show. The designer, suddenlyanointed, turned out to be a Donohueclient.

Another woman with a clear idea ofthe role of the fashion press is KeziaKeeble, ofKeeble, Cavaco & Duka. Keebleburned through three husbandsin-cluding partner Paul Cavacobeforemarrying New York Times fashion colum-nistJohn Duka (Duka died in January).Keeble originally set out to work her pro-fessional charm on Duka after he hadpanned one of her clients in the Times.Not long after that, the two were mar-ned, and Dukaas ifresearching a par.ticularly improbable sitcom pilot signedon as a partner with his new wife and herex-husband at the family fashion-publicityfirm. Conveniently for the firm, Dukakept his freelance fashion-writing careergoing on the side a career that includedwriting a monthly fashion column forVoguethereby exercising his natural giftfor his chosen profession.

Keebles most newsworthy clients rarelyface interviewers without her. It's hard tooverlook her, jangling under the weightof a Chanel wardrobe. She is known forseeking to exert absolute control over theimages she creates for her clients, and forbeing expensive$15,000 a month inone reported instance.

Though Keeble, Cavaco & Dukas clientlist is still impressive it includes jewelrydesigner Robert Lee Morris and Hickey.Freeman, the men's clothierit has re-cently lost some ofits powerhouse design-ers. Carmelo Pomodoro, Yohji Yamomoto

and Tommy Hilfiger are all onetimeKeeblites who have moved on to otherPR handlers. Dukas death cost Keebleone of the best public-relations advan-tages her firm had going for itan ac-tive, in-house fashion writer with work-both-sides connections to the magazineworld. To make things shakier still, herpartner and ex-husband Paul Cavaco ap-pears to be returning part-time to hisoriginal career as a fashion photo sty!-istfor Steven Meisel, among others.

Keeble, Cavaco & Duka doesn't justconcoct precious, high-toned public im-ages for its clients; it practices what itpreaches. The firm's partners are knownon Seventh Avenue for being perpetually"in a meeting" when anybody calls. Every-one on staifwears the official color, black,though the partners occasionally distin-guish themselves by venturing into daringshades of navy, gray or red. Press releasesfor new clients do not stress the designerso much as the fact that Keeble, Cavaco& Duka now represents her or him.

But the firm basks in its own limelightonly up to a point. Not long ago, a Man-

ss

, I

k

hallan, inc. fact checker mistakenly let onthat an article on menswear designer BillRobinson - a onetime Keeble, Cavaco &Duka clientwas going to mentionDukas rather unprthodox PR methods.(Robinson's name had mysteriously ap-peared in an article Duka had writtenfor Elle on Soviet-inspired fashion style.)Keeble, Cavaco & Duka immediatelywent to work, speed-dialing Manhattan,inc. editors until the offending articleachieved the Robinson-heavy, Duka-lighttone the firm was looking for. J

-I-1-. E:

'l'be day the 1980s ended for

Integrated Resources. the visionary

cuerborrowers of Union Square

B Y J A M E S G R A N T

By coincidence, Michael Milken's num-ber was retired from Drexel BurnhamLambert on the same day that Integrated

Resources, a longtimeDrexel banking client and

STREET junk bond consumer, hitthe wall. Integrated ran

and Milken, announcing plans to go outand work among the juror class, took hisleave from Drexel. It happened on anordinary Thursday.

Whdd have dreamed it? Integrated,with its headquarters in Zeckendorf Tow-ers on semiprosperous Union Square,was once the natioiis premier peddler oftax shelter investments. Its cofounderand chairman, Selig A. ("Sig") Zises, wasdescribed in the public prints as "iras-cible' and "visionary," putatively thecharacter traits of a great leader. The In-tegrated sales force, 4,200-strong, waslikened to a "fourth network" if MerrillLynch is the financial equivalent of CBS,Integrated is another Fox. Milken, too,had his network, and his vision was evengreater than Zises's (on Wall Street, vi-sion is not exactly the same as net worth,but the distinction is too subtle to botherwith). It was true that Integrated was achronic debtor, that its assets were ques-tionable and its accounting methods con-troversial. Nevertheless, nobody was in-dined to worry much, except the peoplewho had been worrying since 1984. Andwho was listening to them in 1989?

To understand the intergalactic bull

market, you must know that on the Mon.day before the fatal Thursday, Integratedwas rumored to be a takeover candidate.The grapevine had it that a $21-per-sharebid was money in the bank. The stockjumped on Tuesdaywhat takeover can-didate, real or imagined, doesn't thesedays?and closed above $15 a share.

On Wednesday morning, Dow Jonesprovided a slight clarification: the allegedtakeover candidate was, in fact, light inthe wallet. It could not induce its cus-tomary lenders to lend, or to buy itslOUs, known in the trade as commercialpaper. On Thursday, the company ad-mitted that it could no longer pay itsdebts as they fell due. On this cue, theenti re I ntegrated capitalization struc-turebonds, preferred stock and com-mon stock - collapsed . Presently, thecommon stock changed hands at 2/s . In-tegrated's bonds were suddenly worth 28cents on the dollar. Although 28 centswas twice the quoted value of an overdueArgentine bank loan, it nonetheless con-stituted an implicit rebuke to the Zisesstewardship.

In many ways, the Integrated story is a1980s miniature. It is the story of illi-

quidirç debt and blind faith. It is alsothe story of inevitability. In the roaringeighties, the inevitable happens eventu-ally, but it takes its own sweet time. In-tegrated's operating income peaked arather long time ago, in 1984. Its cashflow is, and was, negative: for years thecompany has had more money going outthan coming in. Yetwe sure will missthis fabulous decade - lenders kept tid-ing it over, kept seeing things Milkenshopeful way.

"Integrated believes that it will con-tinue to require additional funds fromsources other than operations in order tofinance its operations," said the companyin a 1984 report to the Securities and Ex-change Commission. "Due to its strongfinancial position, Integrated believes itwill not, over the near to intermediateterm, experience any difficulties in ob-taming financing to meet the require-ments of its investment program activi-ties and for working capital purposes,"said the same 1984 document. In theNewspeak of junk finance, there wasnothing incompatible about negative cashflow and a "strong financial position."Ready access to borrowed money was the

SEPTEMBER 19S9SPY I1

same ts cash until, suddenly List sum-mer. it wasn't.

'Ìhy. then, (lid the money run out thissummer' The president and chief execu-rive officer. Arthur Goldberg. groped un-successfully for an answer. "The capitalstructure requires sorne type of contin-ucd confidencc," he said. "In retrospect. itwas a fragile capital structure." An anony-mous Integrated salesman perhaps hitcloser to the mark: "Mike Milken used toarrange credit in two seconds. Now thathe's gone. the new management is play-ing games." It is probably too muCh tOclaim that Milken himselfkept the Drexelinner circle solvent. On the other hand,Intcgrated didn't embarrass itself on hiswatch.

'Thti are perhaps wondering about ther.tible and visionary Selig Zises. Last

December, ICH Corporation, an insur-ance holding company with an appetitefor devouring other Drexel clients, dis-closed that it had agreed to buy 900,000Integrated shares from Sig and his broth-ers. The price to be paid was $21. Theprice available to everyone but the Zises

ike i%lilken used io

afl'aflge credit in two seconds.

Now that hec gone, the new

management is playing games"

taniiIy on the day of the announcementwas $13.50. A SPECIAl. PRICE FOR BOSSES'S1OCK was the headline in The New rk-I ¡,,iej.

Probably Sig was never more visionarythan at the moment of that sale, and hemay ncver be more irascible than intuture depositions associated with thenumerous suits that other, less visionaryinvestors quickly brought against him.When the ICH transaction was broachedat Drexel's annual high-yield.bond con-ference last spring - the so-called Preda-tors' Ball investors were told that Sighad wanted a change in 'life-style." Well,don't we ally )

: SPY 'FP1 IMBIK :s'

. L_ IVI Y

With his ministudio Jioundering,

is MrJerry Weintraub now hoping

thai his old pal George Bash will

make him M: Ambassador?

I Y C L L I A I R A D Y

The Ambassador Who Does Lunch: Pro-ducer Jerry Weintraub, whose newishministudio, Weintraub Entertainment

:%t Group, has already devel-" oped an awesome reputa-tion for making dreadfulmovies, has a problem.lts not the fact that his

filins are terriblenever a serious draw-back to Hollywood success. No, Wein-traub has committed the unforgivableHollywood sin of making wretched moviesthat don't make none)'. Whatever he didwith the $461 million he raised for hisnew production venture just last year( Hollywood's largest start-up capitali-zation ever), Weintraub surely didn'tspend it on good scripts. This year justthree WEG films have been released, allof them critical and commercial dogs.Those three Troop Beverly Hills, She

Out ofControl and Listen to Ale produceda cumulative box-oflice take so dismal($23,509,516) that it became clear thissummer that Weintraub might have toforgo making the one WEG fature withcommercial promise - Evita.

Even working independently of WEG,Weintraub has produced failures, He ac-tually managed to lose money on a sequelduring this sequelmaniacal summerKarate Kid Ill. This he did (or thebrutish, hair-obsessed Dawn Steel at Co-lumbia Pictures. (Columbia also investednearly $150 million last year, in the formofadvances on films in development, for

the start-up of WEG.) Even by Holly-wood math, Weintraub and his companyare now in serious trouble.

These problems were outlined thissummer in a Los AngeIe Times story' byMichael Cieply critical ofWeintraub andWEG, which you might recall but onlyif you happened to work at the paper.The piece, which suggested that some ofWeintraub's professional entanglementsand Don Simpsonesque habits areunseemly. was killed by vice presidentand editor Shelby Coffey, reportedly afterpressure was brought by Weintraub's at-torneys, the powerful Los Angeles lawfirm ofGibson, Dunne & Crutcher. Hadthe story run, it would have followed bybarely a year the Times's long, fawningCalendar section story trumpeting thefounding of WEG, is WEINTRAUB THE

NEW MOGUL ON THE BLOCK?

Unfortunately for Weintraub. who asa manager has brokered the careers ofFrank Sinatra, John Denver and DollyParton, some of his problems have be-gun to trickle into print. He has, forinstance. gone groveling to Stephen Swid(Cinecom Entertainment Group) for moremoney, according to Variety. And Wein-traub is notorious for the stream of at-tractive, profession ally affectionate youngwomen who are ushered into his office -not to file, not to type, not to make phonecallson a virtually daily basis.

Weintraub, who looks rather like athree-day-old corpse left in the sun. hasbeen known to chase" girls as well, buthe doesn't go around talking about hisforayshis wife, jane Morgan, does itfor him. A bighearted blond in the tradi-tion ofthe great old-fashioned Hollywoodbroads, Jane is fond of wearing enor-mous jewels. When a new stone makes itsdebut, she will wave it around, explain-ing with a throaty chuckle, "Jerry gave methis the last time he stayed out all night."

Expensive bijous aren't the only testa-ment ofJerry's love for Jane. He namedtheir enormous Malibu estate. BlueHeaven. after her hit 1950s song. On cheliving room wall is a quintessential ex.tm-pie of romantic Hollywood taste. twogiant stained-glass portraits. One is ofJane. The other is ofJerry himself talk-ing on the telephone.

Eager now to devise an image make-over to distance himself from his trou-bIes, Weintraub, who raised money forGeorge Bushs presidential campaign. is

apparently nosing around for an ambas-sadorshipanyuhere away from hisstudio-on-the-skids. He and jane aresummer neighbors ofthe Bushes in Ken-nebunkport, and one of the presidentsfirst acts in office was to hold a WhiteHouse screening ofWEGs lame 'ly Step-mother J.c an Aliepi. Given the caliber of re-cent Bush diplomatic appointmentsdeveloper Joseph Zappala to Spain,broker Della Newman to New Zealand -'Ambassador and Mrs. Weintraub" is notso farfetched. Were Weintraub to be re-warded with an appointment. he mightbe the first ambassador to pepper hisdiplomatic-cocktail-party chitchat witha lot of Love )1S and How 'a doin baby?s.

Strategist Jor the Prosecution: Bringingeverything full circle are the divorce pro-ceedings involving Ron Meyer. a CreativeArtists Agency partner and the agency'sWarren Beatry-esque top flesh-peddler,and Ellen Meyer. his long-suffering wifeand a casting agent. After Ellen demandedto see CAAs books, Ron had to admitthat although lie cofounded CAA andowns almost a quarter of the firm, he

e actual/y iìza'naged to

lose money on a sequel

during this sequelmaniacal

slimmer Karate Kid III

is not privy to the agency's financialrecords. They are the sole property of1]beragent Mike Ovitz. Suggestions thatOvitz would buy Meyer out rather thanlet Ellen's attorneys and the world seethe books were stilled by the mere men-tion of Meyer's prize client: SylvesterStallone. Orchestrati ng the proceedingsfor Ellen is her current lovemate, MichaelKlein, an investment banker at Gruntal& Co. He, interestingly, is the very manwho masterminded the $461 millionstart-up financing last year for the studiolaunched by Jerry . . . pardon me, Ambas-

sador Weintraub.See you Monday night at Mortons. )

TREASON"' I I i

t'

a von CIlU! non i-at

Ifl 2000 '\PS, "GOFORMITY isthey'll still BC SUBVERSIVE,"

Iookinq 10 elvis. she whispered, and

this is flOthlflq we melted into the

fl\V," sid crowd unnoticed.

the piest.

shirt i shirt 2

don't be a nebbish...join the crusadespecify size tender $16 to TREASON box 3871. minneapolis. mn 55403call for propaganda 612.333.1295 we're losing our shirts, again"

SFV1EMBIR 198') SPY

/%r%JE» -I-W-

The Sot'iets hau'king gimme api.

Tshirts ana' crass promotional

')port/I?zitiei.1 Noi on this eart!'

BY EDWARD Z UC k ERMAN

Wekorne to the pavilion of the SovietUnion at the Paris Air Shows the world'slargest aerospace trade event. Here, dis.

Qplayed on a pedestal, is a: model of the enormous

s E t. I I N G engines that power theJ:- Soviets' Largest rocket, the

Energia. Here ¡s a videoof the Mig.29 performing acrobatics(designed, the narrator explains, to helpit evade "raiders').

And here, in his very own booth at therear of the hail, is William B. Wirin, atall, wavy-haired retired United StatesAir Force colonel, standing beside a pic-turc ofthe Soviet space station, Mir. Thecaption reads: "For Rent."

Wirin is executive vice president otThe Space Commerce Corporation.small Houston firm that markets the ser-vices of Glavcosmos, the Soviets' NASA.in America. In other words, The SpaceCommerce Corporation is Glavcosmos'sagent, just as CAA is Cher's.

Wirin is eager to talk deals. In fact, it'shard to get him to stop. He looks you inthe eye and explains that the Soviets willbe happy to rent you some room on theirspace station to do a little microgravityexperimentation. Or maybe you want tolaunch a satellite? Take your pick of ve-hides from the Soviet rocket arsenal,write a check for anywhere between $20-million and $65 million and up it goes.Or perhaps you'd care to use a communi-cations transponder on an existing Sovietsatellite? How about some pictures ofEarth taken by Soviet space cameras?

I '4 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

Only $500 a shot.Or how about a new wrinkle for your

advertising campaign?"Ronald McDonald," Wirin suggests,

can go to the Mir and take his munch ieswith him." Wirin thinks that would makea great television commercial. "Or wecan put advertising on the side of arocket"-perhaps an STP sticker. "Or,and I think this is a natural, how abouton the first manned flight of the Biiran[the new Soviet space shuttlel the cos-monauts wear Adidas?"

Are sneakers appropriate footwear forcosmonauts? Don't they wear antigravityboots or something?

'They may change when they get in-side, but, for enough money, Ill get themwalking up the ladder with the shoes on."

Hello? Li this the USSR'S pavilion? Or Edi%'lcMahon's?

As this money-mad decade lumbers toa close, even the Soviets-desperate forWestern currency and unshackled byGorbachevian reforms-are looking tocut deals. Unfortunately, they don't have

much that people with dollars and nl3rks

want to buy. Vodka, gold, caviar and lit-tie Ukrainian dolls-within-dolls are alreadyspoken for, and nobody wants Soviet sportjackets or TV dinners. But in their spaceprogram the Soviets have a solid productwith a good reputation, and they've beenselling their services with some success;India has bought two satellite launchesand ajapanese TV network is spending$12 million to send up a journalist.

In the United States, Space Commerceworked out a tentative deal two years agobetween the Soviets and a subdivision of

Hughes Aircraft Corporation, which hadthree completed communications satel-lites sitting expensively in warehousesbecause the U.S. launch program wasbacked up, fbllowing the aallenger acci-dent and several unmanned-rocket fail-ures. Alas, the U.S. State Departmentvetoed the deal; it is strictly forbidden onnational security grounds to export satel-lites to the Soviet Union, even for thepurpose of promptly re-exporting dieminto orbit.

The State Department veto was a greatdiscouragement to Glavcosmos. whichsees U.S. satellites as potentially its great-est source of income, and to WilliamWirin's compan which has to sell some-thing for the Soviets or it collects no corn-missions. So far, says one investor, SpaceCommerce has sold nothing.

But at the Paris Air Show, Wirin isdoggedly optimistic. As airplanes-for-saleboom and pirouette overhead, and busi-nesspeople from all over the world buyand sell everything from surface-to-airmissiles to fabrics for first-class airplaneseats, the Soviet pavilion draws a steadycrowd. (Soviet prestige dipped slightlywhen a Mig-29 concluded its acrobaticdemonstration on the first day of theshow by nose-diving into the end of a

I

runway, but regulars shrug it off. "Planescrash," one arms merchant explains.)

"I expect money in the bank in 90days," Wirin declares gamely. Althoughhe's made no sales midway through thesho he has potential customers, he;ays, for a transponder, for the servicesof Soviet navigation satellites and for

I

photos from space.But even if U.S. companies aren't ex-

actly lining up for voyages to the stars,or even cosmonaut endorsements Corn-

mander Ziotnikot', .',ou' that you 've landed onMari. what are yoi going to do next? SpaceCommerce figures that there are alwaysT-shirts.

Near the entrance to the pavilion, inthe most prominent spot in the room, acounter is stacked with souvenir T-shirtsfeaturing the Glavcosmos logo (whichresembles that of AT&T), the Buran, theRussian Proton rocket, friendly slogans,American and Soviet flags. The T-shirtssell briskly at 120 francs-$18,75. "Animmediate source ofrevenue," says Wirin.

"You're not Russian? Are you?" a visit-ing American timorously asks one of theT-shirt salesmen.

"Heck no, ma'am," comes che reply."W&re from Texas."

There are, in all, five Texans. drawlsblazing, working behind the T.shirtcounter. Three are investors in SpaceCommerce. One is the proprietor of Lin-Tex Marketing. an Austin T-shirt corn-pany that produced the shirts. The last isa friend ofhis who has come to Paris tohelp man the counter and only hopes, hesays, that his friends back home in theJ olin Birch Society dont find out how hespent bis summer vacation.

"Step right up," calls outJim Teal, theAustin T-shirt merchant and the one manwhose money is actually on the line here."Get your G!avcosrnos T-shirts. Help usPLIt a bird into orbit. 'Q'lios next? This isthe best T-shirt made in America."

When Space Commerce first put thelshirt idea to the Russians, they em-phasized its public-relations value. Inturn, this is what Dmitry Poletayev, thehighest-ranking Glavcosmos official atthe show, stresses to me: "The main lea-itire of this joint venture is to make in-fluence for public, and then to allow thispublic relation to make influence for theadministration." In other words, theSoviets hope the T-shirts will mobilizeU.S. public opinion and persuade Wash-ington to end its ban on the launching ofAmerican satellites by Soviet rockets.

The fact that his T-shirts are being soldto achieve a communist foreign policyobjective is news to Jim Teal (althoughit doesn't surprise his buddy with thefriends in thejohn Birch Society). Theycould be selling T.shirts to influence theman in the moon as far as Teal is con-cerned, as long as they're selling T-shirts.He brought $60,000 worth to Paris andhe wants to sell them all. A small percen-tage of the profits goes to the Soviets, therest to Space Commerce and Teal.

I watch the Texans sell shirts for awhile. lt looks like fun, so I try slidingbehind the counter myself. I catch theeye ofbrowsers and inquire sweetly, "MayI help you?" One man hesitates at theprice. "Feel that cotton," I insist. "There'sa difference in T-shirts. This is the finestmade." I don't make that sale, but I makesome others. I put a couple ofdollars inthe coffers ofGlavcosmos and Space Corn-merce (and more into those ofJim Teal),and I savor the peculiar late-twentieth-entury sensation ofbeing a capitalist in

the service of the USSR. )

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ur ftaret:ts send 'si .Jfor Jur cars : study all¡bat is highest N,Zd best i, ethica/phil.s.pby. French

i:molis! froetry. pure astr.PoPiiy and ¡he vi.l.ncell.,

and theti yo must tradtiate ini. sync field of w.rkthat uil/I /ay y.tt eno/igl; Io romeday af.rd higherlearnizgf.r y.ur ou..?: ch:/a're,i. Pr.baily this field of

w.rk will entail spilling oil c'i i.'eaches or marketing

sitcti.n-f..ted c;rfields.How do we resolve these contradictory injime-

tions? Not everyone can Morne a c.11egepr.fess.r and

e paid for charnioning art for arts sake (evenacademic criticism for academic criticisnis ske) and

the examined life. Not everyone u;ill be simple-minded enoigh te say ¡teck it from the outset andnajor in ¡'nsiness. N.: everyone - I realize this -can hope t. create advanced. antiestaWishment.bi.degradale cr.ssw.rd puzzles for gain.

I guess this is hi.degradale. Maybe I shouldleave a copy ou! in the rain and cee. Crude .11is biodegradable. as far as that ¡oes. and so areoil-soaktd otters. (Garfield d.11s that stick t. caru'indows aren!. though.) I am nt cotning on allholier-thn-thott. I am jist interested. And SINCe

every clue in this puzzle is. in a sense. a double sind

(except for 22 Across, which asks you t. complete the

second ojtwo rhyming doid'le-h'inding admonitions).

I thought I would salute those ofyon who are oft.

college this month.

5o'vor the college experience. which is sitch agolden opportunity that there is no u'ey you can ap-

predate it. Have norefun than yote ever u'ill again.

íz,zd take re.! tragedies to heart. R. B.

ACROSS4. The Sugar Bowl is, of course, a footballgame in which major universities clash everyyear onjanuary 1. in New Orleans. And hereis what I think ab.ut college athletes: If theycan play ball and pass college courses at thesame rime, great. If they cant, give them aroom and a living wage, offer them suchremedial classes as they may need to preparefot college work and then, after theyve playedout their eligibility offer them a collegescholarshi p.h. The plus ft. Property is theft" was one ofthe wild yet incontrovertible communistic ray-ings spouted by the French philosopherPierre-Joseph Proudhon. I dont knowwhether Proudhon ever owned a little realestate himself, or even, say, a hat. A hat is prop-

I36SPY SEPTEMBER L9$9

crt isnt it? He may have borrowed his hats.Shared communal hats with other French-mt-n. Maybe he stole hats. with a clear con-sierce. I used to know all this, but I have beenOUt ofcullege too long. I say "incontrovertible'Perhaps Proudhon could have been shouteddown by Donald Trump. But property istheft" is one of those statements, I find, thatstick with you from college. When I was incollege. I never wanted to own anything thatcost more than $35. More precisely, I neverwanted ro buy, maintain, put away. moveor pick up the insurance on anything that costmore than $35. I still dont. But you have tohave plenty of choice property today. Other.wsc hOW could you get divorced H.w couldyou prOtect yourself against the greater andgreater degradability ofwhat used to be called.tfl honest living? If you dent own propertythat is so prohibitively expensive that you cancount on it to appreciate preposterously, be-fL)re you know it you wont be upscale enoughto swing a loan to pay your share ofthe Exxon01I cleanup or the savings-and-loan-industrybailout, and all your assets will be seized andyou will die in the gutter. What I want to knowI,, why is the communist world swingingtoward capitalism now? Why not back in theEisenhower years, when the average personcould afford it?i 1. Hit around and.12, 14. Anagrams signaled by "perhaps and"incorrectly The calendar we use today is amodification of thejulian, fromJulius Caesar.Unless we have started using a different calen.dar since I was in college. Today is. . . what istoday? Anyway. its something to bear in mind.2S. Advantage and s (head of the S word).2. To grow up is to clin:, as in a climbingpl.rnr. Roman numerals C, LI and M, plus theletter that starts off Buste,27. Grouping oflN, OR and GA, plus nic. 'Artificial" is the definition.21. The dress code is no necktie. The bond be-tween weight lifters is a no-neck tie. On thefinal, you're going to have ro figure thesethings out for yoursclfl

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2. "Before" is ere.Jodie Foster matriculated atYale. in CT

DOWN3. Grinding is the definition. I8lJs after stud.5. Manage rearranged under garb.7. Drove rearranged, plus o (a hole), plus ginrearranged.13. There is no reason why you should knowthat Vanderbilt is Dinah Shores alma mater, Isuppose. But it is also my alma mater, and Ifigure that every time I mention it in acrossword ptizle. thats another 315 I donthave to contribute ro the development fund.Ifthat be corruption, vcIl. at least it is corrup-non in the cause of advanced education. Achance ro work with a little angle here andthere is a terrible thing to waste.17. Could I just say. . . Maybe I shouldnt.Maybe it won't seem pertinent ro you. Maybeyou think there are more important things thispuzzle could worry about. But could I justsay . . . that I bate Garfield. So mitch. He isn't fun-

I he isn't engaging, he isn't like a cat. And heogles mc, thanks to the magic ofsuction cups,through the window of every third car inAmerica. What a sttepidcraze. Have the peoplewho drive around with those things in theirwindows ever been to college? Have they everseen a real cat? I can conceive of why sorììepeople would like Tater Tots or movies withSteve Gutteuberg in them. But Garfield ? Thereshould be a required course, Minimal Under-standing lOI: Why EveryGenuinely EducatedPerson Has to I-late Garfield or Leave lhisClass This Minute. But that would not fosterfreedom of thought, you may object. Yes itwould too. Russia has the KGB, this countryhas merchandising. And yes, if I have to choosebetween the two, I will take merchandising.Still. . . Garfield?21. Bic is a manufacturer of disposable light-ers. An iambic foot goes ba-DUM. Shake-speare wrote his plays in iambic pentameter,for the most part, but sometimes he got sloppy.'1'o be or not ro be: that is the ques-ti-oN.' Doesnt

really work, does it Well, Shakespeare (unlikethe Prince of Denmark) had to make a living.He had to get done what I have here, nearly:the increasingly less cost-effective job. Hey, asMeryl Streep once advised a Vassar graduat-Ing class, you'll find that the real world is notlike college: the real world is more like highschool. Of course, Meryl Streep pulls in mil-lions of dollars doing work that the high-minded applaud. She can make a crack likethat without having to rush over to the side ofthe speaker's stand and vomit due to havinghit herself too close to home. (Though shecould play that scene.) My advice to you is, takecare that you are not caught in the same trapas Shakespeare and me. le Meryl Streep. )

-- I i_.:v

!ìr some people. being liked

bemjz really liked.'

just isni enough

Iv ELLIS WEINER

Recently the mother of a young friendasked me to chat on the phone with the ladabout writing. I was sincerely. and disin-

genuously, flattered. "Me?"

H O W T O said the sincere hemisphereBE A o my brain, while the

G R O W N - U P disingenuous hemisphere(where the advanced civili-

zations have evolved) drawled, "i'foi?"So I spoke with the youngster at length.

At least, it must have seemed at lengthto him, if not longer, so unstoppably didI natter on, with winning informalirabout the usefulness of taking notes andthe necessity of writing a second draft.lt was only after we had hung up thatI realized something had been missingfrom his response. I appreciated his ear-nest attentiveness, his courteous thanks,his amusing habit of asking me to holdon, exchanging a few words with hismother and then returning with a charm-¡ng, if technocratically chilling, "Con-tinue" The problem was this: he hadn'tadored me enough.

By that I assume I don't mean wor-shiped, exactly. Worship is a scary word,suggestive of sweaty hysteria and volup-tuous self-abasement, evoking natives inloincloths, their eyes wide in feverish,hypnotic submission to a stonily impas-sive tiki god like the kind we'd buy fora dollar and wear around our neck injunior high. (It glowed in the dark, par-ticularly if you tied it face down onto aburning light bulb.) When a sign outsidea church says COME WORSHIP WITH US,I picture prim, conservatively dressed

ladies and gentlemen shutting the doors,stripping to their grass skirts and loin-cloths, and banging on hollow logs.

No, I think what I mean is this: hedidn't say, in any of the acceptable child-speak variations, 'Hey, yeah. neat! You'vechanged my whole orientation vis-à-viswriting, as a means of communicationand as an art form!" Fine. He is, after all,seven. ("What sort of writing are you do-Ing at school?" I'd asked him. 'A poem formy mother." Ah.) But if he couldn't sharewith me a practitioner's pleasure in

discussing the craft, the least he couldhave done was express boyish, awestruckaffèction for my patient, helpful selL Inshort, I was not beloved by my student.

Not that I can use this term with astraight face. Can anyone, who is not dod-dering, bereaved or in show business? Ac-tually, I know of at least one person. Ionce ran into, after a hiatus ofsome years,an illustrator I knew. He told me of thisjob and that, gave a satisfied smile andsaid, without irony. "I want to beAmerica's most beloved illustrator."

No this is a nice fellow, so I have nodesire to score cheap laughs at his ex-pense. On the other hand. most beloved?

Also, isn't wanting to be beloved a littlelike bragging about how modest you are?

Beloved is the adjective we apply toanyone who used to do good work andhas not disgraced himselfin public in thelast 15 years. Because belovedness is bydefinition a publicly bestowed state ofkitsch-grace, candidates are usually culledfrom the ranks ofentertainment and thearts. One thinks ofHoni Coles and otheraged black tap dancers whose names one

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SEPTEMBER I9R9SPY 137

p-,-I

Crossword Puzzle

ACROSS

1. Liberates rightsurrounded by things to

be paid. (5)4. White powdercontainer bringscollegians together inNew Orleans New Years.

(5,4)9. By Roman Ia crazy

ol Ruth is enemy ofSuperman. (3, 6)lo. Proudhon said

property was the length

of twelve inches. (5)

i i . Success gets around,

and you have to do thisto thejapanese. (4,2)12. Lend a car? Perhaps.

We owe ours to Caesar. (8)

14. Ignorant tuna deduce

incorrectly. (10)16. Steady compan (4)

19. Sore back, Love? (4)

20. What your parentswant you to have is whatthey don't want you to

take, shithead! (10)22. Take Hamlet to heart,

but do well and marry./Love Peter Pan. but dont

-- . (2,1,5)23. School of man known

tot yellow chikcns, wehear. (6)

26. Grow up to be ahundred and fifty-onethousand starting off,

Buster! (5)27. Artificial grouping ofthree states gets first

chunk of Nicaragua. (9)28. Casual dress code is

bond between weight

lifters. (2,7)29. Before, state where

J odie Foster matriculated

standing up. (5)

j'J ÀC,-

O

£

5-

_J_

!3ack-io-Schoo/ Double Bind1lUl..... d....U.U.....lUUUUU

UUUUU.0

.......i.......................

a.....U

.......i.... ........U.U............. u....

The ansuers to ¡Ix (In-British Cro.cjword apptar on page ¡36.

I S SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

DOWN

1. Foursome is better

than this frat with noopening. (4,5)

2. Long time withoutkisses for mass killer ofsea life. (5)

3. Grinding debts followprofessional male. (8)

4. Little bit of Londonjust below Houston. (4)5. Badly manageunderclothes ofsanitation engineer. (10)

6 Actor Hauer is asingular Jersey college?

(6)7. \X'ildly drove hole ou

bad gin, carrying too t.ir.

(9)8 Slightly more than aquart of low-cal, right?

(5)13. Little Gloria at last

at Dinah Shores alma

mater. (LO)

15. Calling forthconfusedly into a cove.

(9)17. MIT reacts oddly co

how merchandisers

address Garfield. (6,3)18. Wrestle holy man

with a toupee and bad

kg. (8)21. Person connected

with disposable lighterconcern makes

egomaniacal statement

with foot, ba-DUM. (6)22. Someone must

bring this home toFrancis. (5)24. Student singled out

to become gray-browncivil engineer. (5)

25. Greater St. Thomas.

(4)

can't qui(e think of at the moment. Onethinks ofNorman Rockwell. One thinksofJimmy Stewart. One thinks of (help!One is turning intojoan Didion!). . .onethinks, inevitably, oî Bob Hope. Thenthere are the self-beloved, who spare usthe trouble ofbeloving them by doing itthemselves (Jerry Lewis, Charlton Hes-ton, Barbra Streisand, Billy Joel, BillCosby). There are the belatedly beloved(Sid Caesar); the not-as.beloved-as-they-seem-to-think-they-are (Tony Orlando);the invisible beloved (Irving Berlin); andthe soon-to-be-beloved (Woody Allen).

To be beloved is to be drawn gentlythrough a thundering car wash of affec-tion: First they hose you down with gen-eral respect. Then they shoot warm, soapyjets of admiration at you from all sides.Great big soft rotating brushes of indul.gence fluffyour self-esteem, to be followedby a cool rinse of positive critical ap-praisal. Then tiny, powerful spray gunsspritz you all over, as that glaring signoverhead lights up with NOW BEING AP-

PLIED: EGO HOT-WAX. You tootle along,dripping with acceptance, and then giantroaring hot-air fans of praise dry you offand deliver you back to the real world,sparkling, smug and completely out of it.

Not that one doesnt enjoy praise. Butche grown-up wants specific praise, notblanket I.love-you-just-for-bei ng-youpraise. When they start to call you be-loved, ¡t means they dont care aboutyour work anymore. It's like being wavedthrough Customs not because you'reabove suspicion but because you're be.neath notice. James Joyce holds up Fin-zegans Wake and they all grin and nodand clap him on the back and say, Terri)c,J im. Really. Modernist masterpiece, as theyquietly use it to shim up the piano.

But who can read Finnegans Wike? Be-lovedness is the sentimental residue leftover when your work is either too bad, tooweird, too irrelevant or too nonexistent toinspire real enthusiasm. Even so, its bet.ter, far better, to be beloved than to be po-litely acknowledged or discreetly ignored.

And that's where I came in. Ifmy pupilwasn't going to be electrified by my ex-planation that "an outline is always areally helpful thing, sometimes," then hecould have at least waxed beloving for mygood intentions, my previous accomplish-ments, my having avoided disgracing my.self in public for up to eight years priorto his birth. Was that asking too much?)

--..-..-

,,_____'

L:L--Will this become the onlyway to save the panda?

The choice is yours. Either save the photo above. Or, help WorldWildlife Fund fight poachers, create nature reserves, hire guards,do research, and change things. Help us save life on earth.

Wbrld Wildlife Fundpept. A, 1250 24th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20037

Prepared as a public service by Ogivy & Mather WWF

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Add$onoI covr cr.diis: jay Lwos clothing coI.yBIocmngdoe Men' A his 5eqv,c.. Fionk Lo?dokI; 0n.omIy Ioe Chor by Kolo bye iwogh Ñchcype GoUey

kc . 4 i Eut 9th Sp,.si Rob.r GaI. Iris D.Mawo.Po9. 24: H Aimssvoög Robeits fron pbonngjP0g. 35z Gcxge De Soo/1ondo FecMe Ineqno?ionoRchwdsj. AP/Wid. Wadd CR09 bning); Sy$ow/Pctoiiol

Po,a. Eo.uockiI. Moo Goni.i (o4odpo9. 36: APÇde WoId (GingtKk); 10 Vegas News BreovI Roy)

po9. 40: lery As1./Sygma fMilk... Anthony Saignoo/Go!eIo. (Dow?e,1. Smeol/Gohilo. Ud. (Sp&Ing),peg. 411 Ro GGIIIO (top KochJ Thor'a R. KOei9O/Nedcy (Giha) Mna Gane? ÇbC4IO( Koch).Peg. 42: BoeboH cod coviy o) Mor, Kuehneqt 8 SMAC.Pogs 46: UPI/B.omooc NephoIo )D0ke). Manna GoinioKoch).

Pogs 48 P. B'ceo/Gommoboon (Cor?c!). Wolt DjsneyPoductio.n )1opoch). Dono Fnsman/Sygmo )Cov.).Kochornec/Sygmo )Bundy); Choz. Ro. )tupo*); Morho courI.yt.hiied botuto Syndkoie. Bøb oons/LGl )Smth); Popifod Films)cokndol.poas 50: Fco,h Edwcxds/Foios lsenationd (t.ws); PhilRooch/Plmsoepon,rs )ReogoniP0g. 54s Morrsa Gono' )Kochj.Pog. S6 Rob Sçlhnm )mo scroschasg head). oli ch.ss, JoeMomnnPog. 38; Koin Wm5eq/Gdelo. Ltd )Rinr); oli ofser hoods.Ron GaO.po9. 60: N Y. Do News Ph4 )Bone1Pog. Mi Soso Borren )Mo4shmI); Corrs'och Voy Ao Thosebockgcovnd)po9. 66: Asstsok cowlesy o AmIrc; Frederic L.w.s StockFhosos )ploso, s); H. Armstsong Robons )ship, I'RR); ChorlosOsii/Supersock )M.ivNooth). Wr/Srockphoos (wboy)poas 6$: Phoo)est )Hopborn).Pogs 70: Covrtesy of The Now Vos-A Timospegs 73: Pho'of.s.

Pogs 74: Pctosso) Ferodo bee): H Armstrong Roberts )dozssrs);Ewmg Galloway cosponsor).Po9. 75: H. Armstrong Roberts )whoelborrosn ligure), RonGolello (Jogger lace)Pog. 76 J0hr Poroskncos/NowssJoy (Trupin house). RosséeSchilhob Gordon )i.e) house) Al Robbins/Nr.n Yøols Post[demohshed hoos.)poas 77: H. Aanstrong Roberts )wh..)borrow figure, chicken);Ross J.siila )Sp.Iserg loco): Poring Gaomay paieP,s;

Snpenstock (born).Pog. 78: Fredsic L.mis Srock Phosos (pointers), EsningGoRowoy mon sn,?h aor)Peg. 79 -l. A,minorrg Roberts )whoelbornsw kgure); RonGol.liø (Lorcn lace); UPI/ßenrnonn N.wspinoros Rogers). RonéoSchIlsob Gordon )Zssckarman hoes.); tina Sirnony/Qbi.nsesTrábvrr. )Kssshness poni)Pog. Il: H. Arossirong Roberts wheolonnow figure). RonGs,lelia (Trump lace)Peg. $2: H. Arrngnong Roberts sn4se.ouonn ligure. boompool); Uso OCons'os/Golelo. I'd. Durrcrsnoy laco); Esnsr,gGofloway op pooPage $3: Genifroy Croh/Oudne (Nolsen head); Werder Hoohand F5n.ss/M. Neseux/Shosnéng Ssar )Sialon. ssiih Nielson);Sone lar4sfVsoges )Nrihen prone); Vinnie Zuøoae/S'o Pd.left Phlisps). Done hogon/IGI (Chor), V 1989 TriSSas Pcruos

inc (ieft Corsril$ssti); Glob. Phoios ri9ht Phillips) Ron Gable)Sprungsso.n. r.ghi Camiln(Peg. $6 R&ph Dosnnguoz/Glob. )Aylsroyd antis Dinon); kostDonnni./C.iebiisy Photo )Nvsntooclolsn); Jones Gough/ColebsiryPhoto )sghr Lace); Frank Trapper/Sygma (Moor.); JamesAnniansotr/Sygtno )rght Lancez); T. ONeili/Sygmo lSssayzeC. Simosspseori/Sygma )Dvvol); Ron Galalla (siglo Nietos). EccBooaosr5,/Gorr.rna.tisnson Nuns). Kevin Møzsst/LondorrFecrvros Insornorronoi )l.lt Lone); Smeol/Goießa. Lid Cosy.Sheinborg. Bochco); Rondoli/Golello. Ud. )Dno with to6xk);Chorlos Wrrs Bosh/Shooting Star (oght Dixon), Star Ed. Ploiosbolt Oison): D Whst{ey/Slroonrng Star lok 1attonz).Pog. $7: Ron Cobla (Catch. Cimino). Buon Osngt.y/Oudineleft Scoosese). Alan Berkneo/Viiog.s (rsghr Sccxsos,); BeonondLoloror/GrjmmoLoison )be)t Pssk); John RccofLGi )Spocok); BobV Noble/Globe Photos )rght Fisk); MwhekJ/Gomnyiaisnqrfelt Coro); SsneolfGolella. Ud. )rsght Cosa); M Sonnet/ShootingSto' (Locke oleo.); Gerardo Sornozo/Outlmo )Eosrwood niosse).Angs. Coqssnrors/lorräon Features Insornorionol (Locke mutiEastsssoopa9. 92. UPI/Betnrsonn N.wspinotos.Pag. 94: Pcorral Porodo.Pog. 96: Courtesy ob Unversol TV )Miams Vsc.iPug. 97: . 1 989 Notional Broodcasisng Co InclNghtssgaksl, NYT Pctsrsos (building); Srophen F.rry/Gommlassas, )Pni.y).Page 102: Phososposi internarsonalPage 106: Jans Bown/Com.00 Press/Globe Photos )Mehro).Pug. 114: Momo Comtes (Koch)Pagis i S-1 22: hI. Arrrsstrorsg Rab.rts )monoy. donkey..l.phanr(, APPQVidV World )Qstaybo, Farrokhonl; CoIner Pictureslilmrrrakeos(; Superstach (Ferris wh.el, Ferry); P. F. Bentley!Plrotaoeporters (Norsego); Ynonno Hemsey/Commo4raison(Breslin).Pags 123: ht. Arrnsnosrg Roberts )mosroctie man. mon n hot).

sstu,ots. s.â.i Leoss Ssxk PhotosPage 125: H. Armstrong Robons.Pago i 27: . Armstrong Rabeots bockes.).Page 1 39: redeorc lesas 5tO(k Photos laundry lady)Page 1 40: Marino Ceratos )Kirkpotrsck. Titry Tim). Rase

/So.). obi others. Parsick Mthhdnin.Page 141: M Domrguez/tGl (both HodersGuesr photos).Pasrc MoMuibon (Gross, Tacrbmon. Entrokn. bosh basoches,pIraras); al others, Moruna Casases

140 SPY SEVFEMBER 1989

narty1z:f iJ

THE NEW ATAVISM NOt unlike affectionate baboons picking lice out of one anothers fur,megasophisticared Manhattan partygoers and grooming buffs have been spotted re-moving bits K)f refuse from friends. (i) At the New York Academy of Art, !ntervieu.' edi-trix Shelley Wanger reaches to retrieve a little something from ultrawalker Jerry Zipkinsteeth, and (2) a fastidious toddler removes what appears ro be a partly eaten dinnerroll from the ear of indestructible beatnik writer manqué Taylor Mead at Canal Bar.

OR JUST LOOK LIKE ONE! Wha gives Have for-mer top model Ivana Trump's fun-in-the-sunall-girl weekends in Palm Beach turned intomini-symposia on how to look like a topmodel in photos? The evidence says yes: allover town, ladies are facing the cameras

-4 SIXTIES-NOSTALGIA ANTIDOTE

What's up at the supersophis-ticated Hard Rock Cafe? Arollout of che first operatingandroidSally Kirkland imper-sonator? Could be, but we'reguessing a beauty pageant toanoint a replacement for for-mer facgirl Dianne Brill, em-ceed by survivors Tiny Timand Judy Carne.

with a little extra oomph. Left: crankycontra sweetheart Jearie Kirkpatrick(here with right-wing hoytoy LallyWeymouth) toes out Ivana's trade-mark, catalog-model hand-on-hip-leg-turned-out pose to stunnlngeffect; andabove. on the premise that openingone_s mouth wide momentarily ehm-mates wrinkles around the jaw, ubiqui-tous crone Liz Smith and Mary TylerMoore joyfully gofor it as camera flash-guns ignite in their direction.

V SURVIVALOF THE FITTEST Now ¡ts just a wacky, high-spirited downtown icebreaker, bui th( newtin-de-siècle taste fòr torso-baring-and-head-covering fashions (i and 2, at Copacabana) hasalready started its slow evolutionary migration uptown, as princess turned publicist Lee Rad-ziwill's peekaboo getup demonstrates (3).

V Workaholic book cditorMorgan "Fairchild" Entrekiiì,seeking to impress Irani prin-cess turned Harry Winstonpublicist Sarvenaz Pahlavi atNell's, tries out a surefire tipfrom his nicknamesake: com-bluing a playful toss ofhis lus-cious blond mane with a sultry,Pepé Le Pew-esque, I'm-really-an-iitellectual-of-t-amera glare.

ALIVE WITH PLtASURE? What sep-rates the veteran paparazzi

hog from the amateur? AnIability to keep ongrinning photogeni-cally even while expe-riencing excruciatingpain. For example,married fashion-and-gossip writer MichaelGross (i) and former

Miss Israel Judy Taubman (2)

cannot disguise the fact thattheir companions are landingsmartly on their toes. Similarly,

Uat the Centerfor Conimunica-tion's luncheonat The Plaza,%r'ashingtnz Post

chairperson Katharine Graham(3) is unable to compose herfacial features as thepreternaturally well pre-served former journal-Ist Barbara Walterssqueezes her hands in aviselikegrip. i'hey couldall learn a thing or twofrom too-rich-and-way-too-thin omni-socialiteNan Kempner (4), who,even though she is step-ping down painfully on

her ownfoot, keeps righton smiling - that's poisewith a ¡J as in professional.

"THATS WHY THE UMEY IS A CHAMPr So sang the emcees asspy crowned a happy Anthony Haden-Guest the second-time winner of the Celebrity Pro-Am Ironman NighrlifeDecathlon. (i) Blushing with pride through the lipsticksmudges left by our lovely Ironmaidens, Lise Holst andMartica, Haden-Guest clutches his Ironman loving cup asif it were filled with bubbly. (2) Cheers to the lucky ladywho was fortunate enough to have her first date with theIronman (here showing off his new "Official IronmanlSpotter" blazer) on the very night of his coronation!*

At a benefit for Salvadorans. formerfolksinger Peter Yarrow shows LeonaHelmsley- hat i ng Born Yesterday star

Ed Asnerhow easy itis to feel abald man'saura.

SEEN-ON-THE-STREET BEAUTY TIPS

Bosomy dirty-book writcr and%fogue beauty editor ShirleyLord discreetly Spackles herface between courses at a ben-efit for the American BalletTheater (i) and then demon-strates how a quick (and so be-coming!) puckering and smack-ing of the lips (2) guaranteescomplete coverage that will lastthrough even the gooiest des-sert. A classy beauty tip from a

classy expert.Beside Shirley.her husband,Abe Rosenthal.

L ¶t! J

t' s.A SURVIVORMAHIA Why is ir thatElaine's is as famous and pop-ular as it ever was? For onething. superglamorous andinfluential media VIPs such asRex Reed keep coming back.Plus, those steam trays heapedwith real food sure do lookmighty delicious!

the hastily re-tired former ex-ecutive editorof The New tè3rk

Times, marvelsat a waiter'swIne-pouring

technique anything to keephis eyes from wandering towardthe celebrated chest of bosomyformer Wonder Woman LyndaCarter.

:%lr HgIenGMe:J :ardr.jIe ,r:e e/ 8/%?,J1flgIaI(( SIPTI:MBIR 1989 SPY :-iI

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yoiive thought. after having been lured into this n:oi,th: ?lli'ILlU/)-J-t/)(-(/z/t ,,,,i t hfld thit u:c too hot. too load, too crowded and too late to spend the evening doing something pleasant. Well. in «U' N w. lmpri'ed ¡\eu 'erk. uiert' i s a la u

. Under the provisions of Local Law /134 7 of

1989. all large nightclubs are now requiredio install a plait-glass wall n thLfrontJlcade. permittingp/'ediz 'e lubgoers to see exactly what they're

getting into before they make the ,nistake ofgetting into it. So what to d' with your ei'tnin inittu/? W 1i w1 íie a seat across the street. where

the local peddlers u'ill rent you a curbside chaisefor two bits? Sit back. have a $1 hecrJron the krtan ¿tu and u atch the three-story sardine pack

of$5 beer drinkers twisting (and writhing and sqnirrning) their night awayfrom a safe distanct. its betttr than TV. better than the movies and definitely better than nightcliibbing. Or being nightcliibbed. )

142 SPY SEPTEMBER 1989

c Philip Monis Inc 1989

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J&8d &olch W 4Y Mc by 1 ctWa by Iw b*j*n Coporoic i Le Nie