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GREATEXPECTATIONS .

What does Fernando Ferrer know about the Bronx thai we don't? Henry Kravi.cc bid/or ciilture,Joe McGin-

nith research troubles and BillyJoeh sad song. The maladies of the major leagues, from Lenny Dy1rtra .ryndrorneto Billy Martin's disease. Hitler lives - 24 ho#rs a day. on cable television. PIns: Initiation rites at The Times,and the bottoni line on Pantheonr new executive editor in Books. Don/ile-plus: an exclusive epistolary exposeÇ inwhich Vanity Fairy Tina Brown ihows that where ultra-agent Mike Ovitz is concerned, flatterymay get you ____________ somewhere .....................................

PARTY Poor ...............

F 4%r Li I

CRYBABIES' CAVALCADE(I

The old-fashioned virtues of losing gracefullyshaking hands,pvfering a Life Saver andgood-naturedly saying Getcha next time, sport's are loston the poaty, volatile likes of Sting, Richard Nixon. Lee and Sean Young.

Waaahhh!!J0sEPH MALG,1RINI and KxrE McD0WF!.L round up a nursery's worthofpreeminent tantrum throwers and excuse-makers, some of whom are destined torespond with wounded. cranky. self-serving letters ..........................

CRYBABIES II: YouWON'T HAVE TRICKY DON TO KIcK AROUND ANYMORE

. What does the future hold in store for a forner billionaire?Bankruptcy? Substantial weightgain? An ex-wife in the Czech parliament? A line ofgroomingproducts, per-

haps? JAìwiF MtLANowSKl assembles a prophetic scrapbook biography of Donald hump, an eighties kindofguy lost in a nineties kind ofworld .................................

Is THERE AN EDITOR IN THE HOUSE?

Your left indexfinger hasjust been severed in a tragic boating accident. Do you call 911? Noyou calla glossy Fnagazine audjoin the swelling ranks ofwriters who havefèlt compelled to share with us their vivid, first-person

accounts ofcesarean sections, dysfunctional penises, faulty bowels, vaginalfever loose .scalp flaps and more! ELIzA BF'liI

RoY-!E. who once experienced a ,nild allergic reaction to a bee sting, andfoHN 111I%N, a frequent sunburn victim,examine the current vogue for personal-affliction journalism ...................

Nor YETToo RICH, Nor QUITE Too THIN

Nikki Haskell, club/and curi-osity ofyesteryear seemed destined to while away her life in Third-Rate-CelebrityHell. But then she hatched the idea ofmarketing expensive, awful-smelling diuretic

diet pills to overweight rich people. The results, saysfENNErCONANT, have inchedHaskell ever closer to . . . semi-importance! ........................ Q

wàI,Ì.

HENRY "DUTCH"HOLLAND5IumbIeJ upon a sid.esplittingpavdy ofman'sfavorite periodical inReview ofReviewers; in Politics. DAvID ARONSON and DAvID KAMPJigure outjzist how Washington right-wingersand Eurosleaze operatives nearly forced the Bush administration to commit a major boner on South Africa'sbehalfi and ROBYN KEI.LEY introduces us to Len)Jacoby and (Steve,) Meyers, two wild andcrazy bargain-basement advocates ofihe Law ........................ Q

OUR UN-BRITISH CROSSWORD PUZZLE

BY ROY BL0uNTJR.... QTHESPYINDEX ...............

spy (ISSN 0890.1759) is published monthly by Spy Publishing Prtncrs. SPY Building, 5 Union Square West, New York. N.Y. 10003. Submissions:

Send with SASE io same address. For aclvcuising sales. call 212-633.6550. © 1990 by Spy Publishing Partners, L.P S«ond-class postage paid at New York. N.Y..

and addttional mailing oflkcs. Annual subscription rases: U.S. and possessions. $19.95; Canada. U.S.$30; loreign. IJ.S.$40. Postmaster: Please send address

chattges to SPY, PO. Box 57397. Boulder. CO 80321-7397. For subscription information, call I.8OO.333.8l28.Member, Audit Bureau o(Circulacions.

DO YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOWANYTHING MORE?

THE 1991 ALFA ROMEO SPIDER.

l-800-245-ALFA

The legendary marque ol high performance.

Photographer HARRY BENsoN,

whose portrait of NikkiHaskell appears in this issue,

. overflows with ideas. This is. in contradistinction to his na-

' tivc Scotland, a country thatin its 3,989 years of existence has come upwith only one fabric design. Benson - who reg-

ularly shoots for Lijand Vanity Fairand whose

contributing editorship to siv begins with this

issue - is currently the subject of a one-manretrospective in Glasgow (at Christie's, 164 Bath

Street). "lts good to have a show in your birth-

place' says Benson. "Likejesus said (more orless), A prophet is never appreciated in hishometown:"

Although Roï BLOUNT JR. has. been devising his Un-British

Crossword Puzzle for sp since

.the first issue, he has neverbeen embraced by his fellow

- ,crossword writers, and frankly,

Blount is a little . . . nettled. "lt's not as if! would

embarrass them at their luncheons or anything'he says in a voice edged with all the hurt and

frustration ofhis nose-pressed-to-the-glass ex-istence. "And I wouldn't expect full privileges:'

Fortunately, Blounts first novel, First Hubby(Villard), has been selling well since June.

.I

Refreshingly, JEP4NET CONANT

is seeking the approval neither

of her place of birth nor of

IEugene T Maleska. "Just don't

print my home phone num-ber' requested Conant, who is

a columnist for The New York Observer (755-

2400) and has contributed recently to GQ(880-

8800) and Manhattan, inc. (697-2100). In spy

(633-6550) she lias profiled magazine writerVed Mehta, magazine publisherJudy Price and,with this issue, magazine reader Nikki Haskdll.

rJAMIE MALANOWSKI, spy's na-tional editor and a Trump

: buff, has contributed to every

v.__,_._ç- single issue of SPY (But thenagain, so has Blount, and hasit made him more socially at-

tractive?) In addition to writing The Fine Print,

Malanowski last spring produced our shock-ingly prescient story on the aftermath of theCold War. Contrary to the opinion ofthe bet-ter part ofour readership,Jamie is a man.

4 SPY AUGUST 199E)

r'-E. Grodor, Cotcr Kut Ander,en

. : . 0K'

Thomos L Phillips ir.PUBlIShER

SIsvs.i SckroglsPUBLIShING DIRECTK)R

Susoii MoithonEXECUTIVE EDITOR

u. w, HoonycvttART DIRECTOR

Inics HondyFEATORES EDITOR

Mini. MOIQnOWBIIINATIONAL EI)IIOR

LO,TOInI Code,noito,iMANAGI4G EDITOR

G.ørge KologarokisSENIOR 'XRII I k

Joanna Gaubir James CollinsSENIOR EI)ITORS

Coron W.inor(HILE (IF RESEARCH

----1f

Mohtliw Weingordun Josiph Moalooni Oithtloon ICuypersCOPY ChUlEE DEPUTY EDITOR ASSOCIATE ART DIRECTOR

Judy Si.mms Konnan UuulASSU.TANT ART l)IRE(TORS

Rach.l Urquhort Hsnry AIfORd Moitin Kiha Horrid BorovickREPORTERS ASSISThNT EDITORS

Morion Iossn*sld NiCki GostinASSOCIATE PRODUCTION LI)ITOR SENIOR PHOTO RESEAR< FIER

(lissa Schoppill Døvid KoinpMichael Hoin.r John Brodia

EDIIORIAL AsSISTMrs

Tod H.II« Windy Dombo Wsndall Smithl'ibiD ASSISTANTS RESEARCHER

Liso Wu Wondi WilliamsRESEARCH ÁSS!0ANT

L. L VondepooiCOPY EI)ITI)Ih

Aniso Walki, Ch..yl Solimini ion. Loronger(OPY ASSD1ANIS

Bo,bro Hotr.m.lng Cathy ClarkeART ASSIS1ANTS

Woher MOntiatE"MEsÇENGER)CRITIC AI IAR(,I

And,eo Rider Washington) D.boroh Michel (Los Angales)CORRESPONDES I'

Andy Aaron, Soro Borren, Jock Barth, Harry B,nson. Roy Blouni ir., Celia Brady, Chris Collis. Mocouloy Censor.Bruce Feirsl&n, Friedmon Tod Friend. Jomes Gront. Rondi Hachar. Poter Haffernan, John Holpern,

bey Handro, Lynn Hirschbrrg, Ann Hodgnion, Henry Holland. J. J. Hunsecker, Williom Joyce. Eric Koplon,Howard Koplon, Jackie Koufrnon, Meuh Koylon. Goof Kern, Mimi Kramer, Mark Losswell, T. S. Lord, Bob Mock,

Guy Marlin, Potty Mors, Polricb McMullon, Mark O'Donnell. David Ow,n, C. F. Payne. loo Queenon.St,o Rodlauor, Paul Rudnick, Lic Sante, John Seabrook, Harry Shearer. Rondoll Short, Paul Simms. Paul Slonsky,

Richard Stengel, Eddie Stern, Jo Slocklon, Toki, Jomes Traub. Nicholas von Hoflmon, Ellis Weiner.Philipp. Weisbecknr Philip Wiss. Nid laman and Edword Zuchermon, among others

COICrRIbhJTI-JG EDITORS

Ansia kreoniarMARKETING DIRECTOR

Robant NoctimanNATIONAL AI)VERTISING MANSOER

Hilary Gains Kathleen Beoptiy Ann. BowcnH.athsr Zullinger Gonrge Mackin (Los Angelu 213.850.8339)Tamara 51151 Carlos Lomodnid (San FrancIsco, 415.362.8339)

ADVERTISING SALES RrPREsErCrATIvh

Maui Dolgins John PbIIOCkMARKETING MAA( R I IRCULATIOx MANAC.IK

Geoffrey Ratss'«)I)U1iSIN SIANSER

Condac. Sinoboch isifesy Stevens Gino DuclayonACCOUNTING MANAGER CONTROLLER DUll F MANM;ER

POtty Nosay GIulio Molucci Manko Mahoney Susan La8gron Somaroho Fenncll0)VERTSSNC, AD MARKISINU AASISTANrZ

Shari Syrket? Susan Mainuer MICIIOSI Lipscornb'tII\. '''ANIS

stive McMillen Marc Floras George Ceroso Cohn BrownOFFICE &ISTAND

Matthew T yrnauar Micaela Porto Peter Lo Lowronce Leni Michael Lee Douglas LonskyMichael Fish Birgilte F1ord Cortor Burden Ill Aimer Bell

\ I

WHJE RABBTSI

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ANCIENT SPIRES, FUR. HATS, CAPITALISTS . . . AND A

VERITABLE MONOPOLY ON THE WORLDS GREAT

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ESTINC PIECE OF TRIVIA ABOUT WHAT

Is ARCUABLY THE FINEST Ç1ODKA IN ALL OF

RUSSIA. WYBOROWA (VEE-BA-ROVA).

[T ISN'T RussiAN. YI..IT'S POLISH(-. -:-L.J'A: . VODKA.

FiRST DISTILLED

AGO. AND LEGENDARY

U34 i' .

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- ': 1d E RUSSIANS DID WHAT

I 00,000 VODKA FANATICS

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\ ALWAYS HAD A SLICHTLY ECCEN-

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A RESULT OF THE SAME TR1PLE-

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VttBROVA" VODKA FROM POLAND. ENFOYED CENTURIES STRAIGHT.

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It doesn't take fancy, polysyllabic words to describeMent Ultra Lights. The simplest utterances will suffice. Like "Gee!"for the ultra low tar numbers. Or "Oh, my!" for the unexpected taste.

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Kings: 5 mg "tar' 0.5 mg nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method

: .You KNOW WHAT AUGUST MEANS AUGUST

.

-

(ADJ.): INSPiRING MINGLED REVERENCEAND: .

ADMIRATION; MAJESTiC. STATELY SUBLIME.--as - Is this somebody's idea ola joke? August 1990, like

... every other August endured outside childhood or in

.

pany city south ofthe 45th Parallel, inspires mingled

despair and loathing, a sense that the majestic, the stately andthe sublime require a more intense level ofartificial cooling thanone's own system (when did Fisher-Price start making air con-ditioners?) is capable of. It is the heat; it's the humidity too.And it's also the . rush-hour F train stuck in the dark

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between Delancey and East Broadway, and the evil garbage stenchfloating over the sidewalks, and the lack of important summervacation plans, and nothing to do but read disappointing Scott Turownovels and watch disappointing Bruce Willis movies and listen toMets games from now until fall. The Yankees are bad, too, butthe Mets are this year's perfectly apt team, the America of majorleague baseball: no longer new but not old, with plenty of talent,depth, seasoning, an enthusiastic new manager and a largely dis-appointing record. One month recently, Darryl Strawberry hada batting average of .125. Despite everything, however, Straw-berry remained hopeful and sounded in-domitable "I'm bound to bave a good day,a good week, a good month he said. «Iisboundto happen'And then it did: one week-end in June Strawberry hit four homeruns.

cr But ifAmerica, like the Mets,is coming unglued (the nation appar-ently needs to discombobulate every 20years so; it's bound to happen, asStrawberry might say), at least this timearound there's a slapstick, Pee-wee Her-manish edge to the chaos. In the 1990sit's not bomb threats or defective land-ing gear that causes USAir 727s en route to Pittsburgh to turnaround and make emergency landings at La Guardia - no, it'smuffin fires in the galley! In the 1990s it's not the Charles Mansonsor the Boston Stranglers who get you - no, when a woman answersher front door (her front door in a squeaky-clean new suburb ofWest Palm Beach), she's shot to death by someone dressed as a down!In the 1990s íts not a right-wing filibuster or an executive vetothat defeats a health bill in the Florida legislatureno,it's idle vote- t '-

button-pushing by a legislator's 12-year-oldson! (Dad was : off the flooi making a phone call, andJ u n io r wa s fooling around.)In the 1990s political lead-ers do not de- mand extra bodyguards and security mea-sures to fend off crackpots and assassins - no, if they'reChicago alder- men, they demand that the city buy them

AUGUST 1990 SPY 7

treadmills and stationary bicycles, be- Charles Keating, the man accused of run-cause three of their overweight colleagues fling Lincoln Savings and Loan into thehave died of heart attacks ("People are ground, defrauding depositors and thenf rightezed, says one of the not-yet-dead al- getting Alan Cranston, John Glenn anddermen) in jUSt eight months! MuffIn fircs, three other U.S. senators to smooth thingsarmed clowns, 12-year-old powcr brokers, over with federal regulators, has recently

panicky aerobic regimens among machine been providing unsolicited character refer-politicians. lt was all bound ro happen. ences for Cranston, Glenn and the rest. i

Indeed, in this epoch of tennis-court- would rate their performance pretty darn

hogging, sagebrush-whacking, horseshoe- high said Nearing, an impossibly upbeatthrowing U.S. presidents, we now mea- man who still seems to think that he's boundsure all political leaders according to their to have a good day, a good week, a goodlevel of sportiness. "Our impression an month. 'They should be congratulated'incredulous-sounding White House ad- As an issue, homelessness was perfectviser said ofthe Gor- for the 1980s (con-bachevs before the . spicuous consump-June summit, "is that )

, tion, conspicuousthey don't have any f --.. poverty, best ofhobbies or sports:' times, worst of

V

%i''4 hastheming up the man .

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. to stay hot in thewho is currently cop- i'

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'- . 1990s (every beggaring with armed se- -

'Ç' is an opportunity

cessionists, ethnic , for a tiny, painless,iviolence, economic . A-í self-flattering ges-

paralysis and unprecedented popular dis- tute), even ifAmerica's most famous home-

content, agreed: Gorbachev, the Bush less spokesman may not. Mitch Snydetaide reckoned, "is not a golf-shirt kind homeless person turned activist turnedof guy:' made-for-TV- movie subject and a personal

Here in the States we may not have had friend of Martin Sheen's, has suddenlya nationwide run on kasha and cooking abandoned his widely publicized plans tooilyetbut we are experiencing a become a Trappist Instead, Snyderwrenching economic crisis of our own, plans to marry his 15-year-old girlfriend nextwith all the pain and sacrifice that entails. month. Was this bound to happen?on Wall Street, investment bankers have C. Vernon Mason was. Mason becamebeen having their bonuses cut as never famous in the 1980s (by hooking up withbeforewhy, at First Boston, a young the Reverend Al Sharpton to promotebanker with two long years of deal- faux victim Tawana Brawley), but we havemaking experience now earns a piddling a hunch he'll be a lot more at home in the$175,000 a year, and the same 24-month 1990snotexactlyagolf-veterangetsamere$155,000atShearson. shirt kind of guy but a

A few blocks away, in the federal court- man of passion, of sin-house, Ivan Boesky testified as a prose- cerity, of bold prescrip-cution witness in a fellow former stock rions: New York's Borisspeculator's criminal trial. On cross-ex- Yeltsin. The day after .

amination Boesky admitted to commit- Mayor David Dinkinsgaveting new financial crimes while in prison his televised speech plead-(he said he illegally paid "some chaps" a ing for racial harmony"few quarters" to do his laundry) and felt (could Dinkins inspireobliged to answer even rhetorical ques- anybody to do anythingtions. Asked if he likes money, Boesky under any circumstances?), Mason, theanswered, "Of coursedon't you?" The respected civil-rights lawyer, offered a1980s not eight months gone and already carefully considered dissenting view. "Ithe government is putting on show trials could not believe what this Negro said last

inwhichtheyask,Doyoulikemoney?Itwas night' Mason told a crowd. "lt was all Ibound to happen. could do to prevent myself from breaking

Some holdovers from the previous de- the TV. [Dinkins] is a lover ofwhite peo-cade are still taking a hard eighties line pie and the system. He ain't got no Afri-

8 SPY AUGUST 1990

can left in him. He's got too many yar-mulkes on his head' Ain'tgol no African leftin him. . . thoughtfui, persuasiveand aterrific sense of humor to boot!

Even scientists and federal bureaucratshave turned zany and imprudent. Deny.ing the rumor that NASA, seeking to pro-vide a seemly sexual release for shuttle-bound astronauts, had developed a drugthat induces orgasmic dreams, the spaceagency's director oflife sciences was une-quivocal. "lt would be impossible' he said,"to satisfy the carnal urges of astro-nauts. . . . To my knowledge, unbridled lusthas never interfered with a space mission'

Unbridled lust may well have inter-fered with Dick Tracy, this summer's Bat-man Lice. During rehearsals for a scenein which Madonna, playing Tracy's chan-reuse temptress, takes a deep bow, herbreasts repeatedly and unintentionallypopped out ofher gown. (It was, of course,bound co happen.) A producer suggesteda way for a makeup man to solve the prob-lem, but he refused. "My contract doesn'tsay anything,' the makeup man replied,"aboutgluing Madonna's tirs to her dress:'

Government sex drugs in outer space,ersatz-1930s cartoons starring aginghumpsters and canny Marilyn Monroeimpersonators, labor disputes over un-authorized breast-gluing - it all has a cer-tain horrible, thrilling déjà vu familiaritylike something in a book, a novel, a block-buster novel of the fin de siècle. ...

Yes, it's an all-new chapter of 1999:Casinos ofihe Third Reich, which includesone ofthe book's most dramatic moments(in the baccarat pit at the Trump Plazacasino, as a Japanese tycoon loses $9.9-

million, the proprietor hoversand paces nearby, unraveling)and one of its most touchingones (Jerry Lewis, WayneNewton and Robert Gouletpay tribute to Sammy DavisJ r. at Forest Lawn). As theworld's eyes turn expectantlyto Central Europe (incidental-'y, who ases control the search-light and flag concessions in

Berlin these days?) our story pausesmomentarily in Long Beach at the perma-nently docked Queen Mary for «Voyage to

1939! a gala yearlong celebration featuring1939 memorabilia. It may sound too rich,too mad to be trueyet as readers of 1999:CAsinos oft/e ThirdReich know only too well,it was all bound to happen.)

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From the SPY moilroom: Some magazineslive to muckrake, some to deliver readers

to advertisers. We live to receive letters

composed in imperfect English from theNetherlands. "I like to have contact withyou and the performance of your world

in laser and hologro-I phy,' writes the editor. of "the little Dutch

newsletter" Optische. Fenomenen, and let

us tell you, he's gotour full attention. We will of course try tooblige, both "with having contact" andwith sending "some informations" Howcould resist? When we read the closingsentence-"Thank you very much forhelping me and hopely for your post-sending"- we simply melted. OptischeFenomenen con count on our postsend-

ing. . . hopely posthaste! We've alreadyforwarded a recent issue.

"Who the heck is Norman Ornstein?"A nation of SPY readers rises up as oneand demands an answer. Maybe we're

overstating it; in fact, only Joel D.Selanikio of Providence rose up as one

(convincingly, though) and said preciselythat. But many readers are asking moreor less the same question. Tony Wade of

Augusto, Georgia, is "sincerely curious"about who Ornstein is. Jeffrey Normanof Milwaukee suggests that our May is-sue was built not around Washington,D.C., but rather around Ornstein, N.Writing from Manhattan, Wendy Blattasks whether Ornstein is "sleeping withhalf your staff." Worth Brown, presuma-

bly of Chicago (his stationery is lovelybut reads "Chicag, lllinois"-some sortof midwestern jive talk?), speculates thatOrnstein is either "the brother-in-law ofthe publisher or you owe him lots ofmoney« Joyce Saenz Harris of Dallaswonders whether Ornstein exists at all.Steve Kallougher of Brooklyn has similar

suspicions ("A fictitious creation?") andalso mentions that Ornstein is "quotedno less than 15 times." This opens up areal can of worms, because Brian Kelle-her of Saratoga puts the figure some-what higher-278-while Emile Barriosof Coronado, California; Bill Shein ofArlington, Virginia; and James Goldf orbof Durham, North Carolina, all come inat 17 Ornstein mentions (Goldfarb,like our Chicag reader, also suspectsOrnstein is "related to someone on .

DEAR EDITORS his office representsRichard Gere.

I am informed of your intention tocause publication of an illustration andarticle involving Mr. Gere.

While it is not our objective to impingeon your First Amendment rights underthe federal Constitution, we are corn-pelled to bring the following to yourattention.

Investigation will confirm the falsity ofthe intended publication.

Publication of false stories or depic-rions ofour client that have a tendency toimpeach, degrade or vilify will cause im-mediate response on behalfofour client.That response will include a request forreliefagainst all those responsible, includ-¡ng SPY, its reporter or reporters, editor orproprietors of the publication.

Libelous utterances are not within thearea of respected speech(Roth y. United Stales [195 7) 354 U.S. 476,483). To proceed further, knowing of thefalsity of the subject at hand, and at aminimum, with a reckless disregard ofwhether ¡t is false is tantamount to "mal-ice" (C#rtii Publishing Co. y. Butts [1967)388 U.S. 130, 162-165)....

The courts of California have heldthere need not be a direct accusation orcharge of misconduct; epithets, descrip-rive words or opinions that carry withthem the implication of acts or miscon-duct are actionable (Brown y. Kelly Broad-casting Co., 48 Cat. 3d [1989) 711)....

Penal Code §258 provides that willfuland malicious intent co injure another byutterance of a slander is punishable by afine not exceeding $10,000 or imprison-ment in the county jail not exceeding oneyear, or both.

18 U.S.C.S. §l96l, et seq., of the

Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Or-ganizations Act (RICO) suggest guide-lines by which your conduct must bemeasured. These include both crimi-nal and, by virtué of §1964(c), civilremedies. ...

Legal proscriptions, common sense andfair play dictate that SP"a' reevaluate thismatter and immediately cease and desistfrom further activity related thereto.

Allan SigelSigel & Boothe

Los Angeles, CaliforniaHuh?

DEAR EDITORS am dismayed and dis-turbed by the erroneous

and damaging information contained inyour April Great Expectations. It leaves atotally false and scurrilous impression ofmyselfand USA for Africa that will not beerased simply by printing a retraction.

What SPY has accomplished is to have

possibly destroyed a documentary projectmerely in early development and designedto attract underwriting from a broadcastor corporate entity. This project mighthave been inspirational if it had beengiven a fair chance, because the storywould "star'S nor Ken Kragen but peoplewho are out there on the front lines every

day fìghtingthebattle.. .and making prog-ress. A documentary, we thought, mightbe the vehicle to reach a broad publicwith the message that their support andinvolvement have, indeed, made a differ-ence and therefore should continue.

spy should adhere to the code of ethicsand responsibilities that come with theterritory and make an attempt to checkout its information before it is published.

K.tn Kragen

Los Angeles, CaliforniaSurely we're not that powerful especially notwhen we're making passing editorial allusionsto stories previouslypublishedin the newspaper

We're sorry e:'- very brief observations inany way incommoded USA for Africa. But wecan still think of better ways to spendS500?000 than making a movie about anevanescent American philanthropy.

DEAR EDITORS our article about Fa-ther Ritter ("The Slum-

lord Is My Shepherd' by John Fahsand Eddie Stern, April) was well written,informative and very timely. Being in che

:- -X;advertising business myself, and thereforeno stranger to direct-mail solicitation, Iwas almost persuaded to send Father Rit-ter a check after readinghis tear-jerkingdirect-mail pitch. Imagine how relieved Iwas to find the whole thing was, as toomany "charities" are, a sham.

Please accept my heartfelt thanks forthe article. Now I can stop feeling guilry

Lorrie CallisonColumbia, South Carolina

Thanks, but easy does it- we weren't sayingCìvenant House was a sham. just that Ritterwas imprudent.

AUGUST 1990 SPY 11

We fifed to get thestaff to say "Goodevening, maclam,"but they kept saying"Hi, how a ya?"

lets be frank. The Claridge maylook and leel European, but the staffis definitely Midwestern. Well-scrubbed. Cheeulully outgoing.

We've learned to deal with it.

C II I i: A ( ()

ON DIARBORN PAHKWAY\jJ

1244 N. Dearborn Parkway

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Call 1-800-245-1258

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C Iqqt i'rE.F .!12 SPY AUGU 1990

DEAR EDrros our exposé of FatherRitter's failed foray

into real estate investment reads more likethe kind of yellow-journalistic pulp onemight expect of the New York Post than areal piece of investigative journalism. Aperson hasn't necessarily sold his soul tothe Devil because he borrowed moneyfrom a bank that was subsequently runinto the ground by its owner, or becausehe sold a hotel to an operator of a youthhostel who in turn sold out to an infamouslandlord. It isn't even particularly shock.ing that the Times Square Hotel ran uphundreds ofhousing violations while un-der the ownership of Covenant House.Many newer and betterfinanced build-ings routinely incur dozens of violationsevery time the housing inspector comesby, and there is very little one can doabout it short of putting the inspector onone's payroll. Besides, the dysfunctionalelevators, unlit fire exits and inadequatelyventilated corridors described in your ar-tide are not exactly slumlord material. 1fyou are going to try your hand at seriousjournalism, try treating your readers a lit-tie more seriously.

Brendan MarxNew York

DEAR EDIToRs ob Mack forgot tomention that Presi-

dent Bush's nominee for secretary ofDefense, the Brylcreemed playboy wanna-be John G. Tower, was also a frat boy["Toga! Toga! Toga! From Animal Houseto the White HouseHow Frat BoysSuddenly Run America' April). Towernot only was a Kappa Sigma at South-western University in Texas but also laterserved as the "Worthy Grand Master" (aGrand Pooh-Bah of sorts) for the entirenational fraternity.

Jeffrey S. Palmer

Bethesda, Maryland

DEAREDITORS our coverage of thechanges at The New

York Times's art desk [The Times, by J. J.Hunsecker, April] is something of asweepa dirty one. Ostensibly revealingthe Inside story" on those personnel shifts,you managed in a few lines to impugn themotives ola critic has distinguishedhimself among his journalistic peers bywriting regularly about artists ofcolor, to

belittle one such artist and finally, by implication, to dismiss all the rest.

For the record: we have known MichaelBrenson professionally and personally formany years and can testify that he harborsno sentiments toward matters of race re-motely like those attributed to him in thearticle, nor has he ever engaged in cynicalcareerism such as that reported in thepiece. As for your account of MartinPuryear's rise to prominence: Brensondid not «create" him; rather, he recognizedand lauded what Puryear himself hascreated. Represented in all the majormuseum collections in New York andmany elsewhere, the recipient of Guggen-heim and Tiffany grants as well as awards,citations and fellowships from the Na-tional Endowment for the Arts, BrandeisUniversity and the Greenberger Founda-tion and, not least, the Grand Prize Win-ner last year at the São Paulo Biennale,Puryear and his achievements are hardlyunknown or unsung. Yet while Puryearhas been singled out for these honors, he,as an artist of color, is far from alone inshaping the visual culture ofthis country.The insult of treating him as a marginaland inconsequential figureapparentlybecause he is black and you hadn't heardofhim - is thereby multiplied a thousand-fold. The only fact to be gleaned fromyour compound smear is plain enough:Brenson, his colleagues and the art publicworldwide know a good deal that sPy, inits aesthetic provincialism and glib rac-¡Sm, does not. Perhaps, however, yourreaders will indeed have learned one thingfrom this example: sri' is in the businessof muck-making, not muckraking.

Arlene Raven, art critic,The Village Voice;

Lowery Sims, associate curator of20th Century Art,The Metropolitan Museum of Art;

Robert Storr contributing editor,Art in America

New York

DEAR EDIToRs amiliarity is said tobreed contempt, but

J. J. Hunsecker suggests ignorance can bejust as effective.

In his attempt to splatter New YorkTimes art critic Michael Brenson whileflinging mud at the Times's newly desig-nated art chief, Michael Kimmelman,Hunsecker makes quite a spectacle of

himself. He describes Brenson's supportfor black artists in much the same smuglyderisive tones once reserved by sons of the

Confederacy for Yankee carpetbaggers!But your columnist manages to corn-

bine venom, condescension and a cava-lier disregard for the facts when he claims,"Brenson virtually created a major talentex nihilo, the all-but-unknown sculptorMartin Puryear'

Puryear's alleged obscurity can onlysurprise art-world denizens old enough torecall ¡trtforum's October 1979 cover storyon him. Similarly, Puryear must be theonly "almost unknown" artist to be featuredin two Whitney Biennials (1979, '81) as wellas in such high-profile shows as MoMA's1984 reopening extravaganza, "An Inter-national Survey of Recent Painting and&ulpture' and the Guggenheim's 1985"Transformations in Sculpture: Four Dec-ades ¡n American and European Art'

Finally, one wonders why Brenson iscredited with having "virtually created"Puryear's reputation when his November1, 1987, Times Magazine profile ofthe art-ist trailed three years behind a ten-yearsurvey of the sculptor's career that hadtraveled coast to coast originating at theUniversity of Massachusetts at Amherstand eventually traveling to New York'sNew Museum of Contemporary Art viaCalifornia's La Jolla Museum of Art.

Ofcourse, as a critic and historian whospecializes in art by African-Americans, Iam all too familiar with Hunsecker'sbrand ofmyopia - a phenomenon irnmor-talized several decades ago by Ralph Elli-son's novel Invisible Man. What beats me ishow Michael Brenson managed to escapethis widespread Euro-American malady!

Judith WilsonNew York

DEAR EDITORS oSsip columnists arecertainly fair game

for easy criticism by the likes of every-body, so I read you with interest on meand my betters. However, let me assureyou that I did not "allow" my photo to ap.pear on the Daily News front page at anytime [Review ofReviewers, by Henry Hoi-land, May). I have absolutely nothing tosay about what or when or how the cdi-tors decide to use my photo. I was as sur-prised as anyone when I turned up withIvana on the front page, and was certainlyNOT advised that this was going to hap-

your staff"). As for Julie D. Taylor ofBrooklyn, she was simply grateful forThe SPY Index, which she checked peri-odically to see just how many more Orn-Stein quotes were on the horizon.

And that's not all. Lisa Poulson ofManhattan says she experienced "adeep sense of foreboding" as the obser-votions accumulated (she finds such

rampant quotability "awfully danger-ous"). Peter Weyl of Portland, Maine,suggests we do o Norman Ornstein"Blurb-o--Mat, and John Spritz of Sacra-mento wonders whether running a full-page Norman Ornstein od would "makehim happy« Debbie Sachs of Palo Altoreports that when she called Washing-ton information and asked for the tele-phone number of the American Enter-prise Institute (from which Ornsteinopines, as Liz Smith would put it), theoperator asked her, "Would you like themain number or [rejected Supreme Courtnominee) Robert Bork?" And NormanOrnstein of the American Enterprise In-stitute, when contacted recently for acomment on the of all those NormanOrnstein quotations and the public con-fusion about them, said uncharac-teristically cryptically, "Tell your readersI am no relation to Judy Price's mother«

So why didwe quote Norman Ornsteinno fewer thon 15 (and possibly as manyas 278) times in the May issue? Becausehe is the ubiquitous Washington think-tank pundit. Because everybody elsedoes. Because he's there. And also be-cause we were making a joke (the repeti-tion, as reader "Chuck" of "Mass."astutely noted, "became almost comi-

cal")a joke, incidentally, that couldn'tbe obvious enough for such well-mean-ing readers os Michael A. Lewis, whodemanded without any apparent irony toknow if we weren't "even a little embar-rassed" to have given so much space tothe "cocktail party chitchat" of such o"cranky windbog' Lewis, we need hard-ly mention, lives in that hotbed of comic

sensibility that ishow synchronous!Washington, D.C. Or is it Washingto?

A curious follow-up to "The Secret ofAlbemarle Farms,' Avery Chenowith'sFebruary 1989 SPY piece that recountedJohn and Patricia Kluge's wholesale wild-life massacres - sorry, sportsmanlikeshootsat their Virginia fiefdom: whenthe soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Kluge recent-

- IIMPORTED

-"--4

LPeVODKA

tHAILES

of

L4 SPY AUGUST 1990

pen. I believe you assume I have somepowers that I dont have. The Daily Newseditors are my bosses, and they do whatever

they darned well please with my picture.There was no collusion in my appearance;just their idea that it was what seemed atthe time, I guess, a good idea.

Does my behavior really seem so 'er-ratic' to you? You should try doing whatI do six days a week.

Liz SnithNew York

DEAR EDITORS ilarious and scarywere the feelings

evoked by Rachel Urquhart's superb'.

'Hey, Jambo! Doesnt Anyone Here TalkAmerican?' A Worldwide Tour of Amen-ca's Dopiest Diplomats" [May). Also agreat read was "Mr. Smith Goes to Wash-ington and Fondles AnythingThat Moves"[by Charlotte Hays and Charlotte Low Al-len). In general, the entire D.C. issue was

wickedly satisfying.My hope would be that you stay on

political targets, as opposed to the ever-

present but less significant Hollywoodcelebrities, thereby providing much-needed perspective and comic relief tothe increasing number of progressives,social critics and concerned working peo-pie living in a minefield of unwarrantedpower-postu ring and smarmy politicianssporting "hair with the iridescence ofpigeon plumage'

J die ScbwarizrnanNew York

DEAR EDiToas ust read with interest"Mr. Smith Goes to

Washington and Fondles Anything ThatMoves' and I missed seeing my personalall-time favorite congressional sexual pec-cadillo: the time Representative FredRichmond of Brooklyn was arrested in1978 for paying a 16.year.old boy for sex.

JeffCox

Sebastopol, CaitforniaCharges against Richmond were dropped whenhe agreed to seek he was elected toanother term before being convicted on drug,

tax-evasion and bribery charges.

DEAR EDrrois s a pedant of somenote, I wish to glee-

fully point out the glaring inconsistency

in Richard Stengel's "Welcome to WonICity" [May]. Stengel wnites,"No one irWashington ever says, 'Hey, lighten up'And yet a scant five pages later he ad.vises, "If you're seated next to SandraDay O'Connor, don't use the same lineon her that exRedskins fullback JohnRiggins did - to wit, 'Loosen up, Sandybaby" Unless you consider lighten up codiffer materially from loosen up, I fait tosee how you can reconcile these two state-ments. This destroys any shred of cred.ibility the article may have otherwiseenjoyed.

Kenneth E. Steinfield

Boston, MassachusettsBut that was the point - Riggins really isn't aWashingtonian in the button-down sense wewere talking about, andhis "Loosen up" remarkwas curious and inappropriate enough to be

wide/y reported.

na

DEAR ED1Tois hile trying to de-

mean the foreign.language skills of our nation's ambas.sadors ["Hey,Jambo!"J, you prove yourselves unable to spell one of the simplestwords in the Spanish language. The Span-ish word for yes has an accent, and iswritten si: Don't tell me your printerdoesn't do accent marksyou manageboth accent marks on résumí a few linesdown.

Re "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,'Biba is in Boston. Cambridge has no res-taurants even close to that trendy, or good.

Gregg ShapiroCambridge, Massachusetts

Jeez, didwesay Washington was Wonk City?

DEAR EDITORS n «Ask Not for Whomthe Bell Tolls; It Tolls

for Thee, Marlin Fitzwater"[MayJ, ex-actly what didyou say when the respectiverecipient answered the phone immediately?Did you just rudely hang up, scarring thephone-manners reputation of the powerbroker you were pretending to be the assis-tant for?

Ryan WitteGarden City, New York

Usually we said, NOne moment, please," andthen we hung up. But we're pretty sure thatwhile masquerading as an aide to Senator /vfoy-

nihan we managed to persuade Secretary ofDefense Dick Cheney not to close an Air Forcebase in Plattsburgh, New York.

'y drove her Range Rover off a Virginiaroad and nearly got herself killed, shetold police that she'd swerved to ovoidhitting a small animal. Now, there'ssomeone with a sense of humor.

A number of viewersthat's right,viewers - want to know what exactly JeffGoldblum said on How to Be Famous,

spy's first NBC special, broadcast thispast spring. We did, after all, offer to pro-vide o transcript. Here it is:

,, full of, uh, excitement, and en-thusiosm of, an, and, uh, about the workof acting, and what it might, and what itwas like to work on a part, and, and, uh,

investigating a, a port, and, uh, findinghow I could marry myself with thecharacter, and just working, and, la, la,working on a part..."

Seems perfectly lucid to us, exceptmaybe for that second la.

Another viewer wants to be rediscov-eyed. The host of our TV special, JerrySeinfeld, has received a postcard from75-year-old "Frantic Fran" Lilienfeld ofMiami Beach. "I'd like to appear on yourshow or write o column for your maga-zine,' she writes. (Seinfeld is starting amagazine?) "l've been a one-womanshow at piano with songs, jokes, etc., for50 years ¡n Borscht Circuit also 9years on Public Access TV in N.YC. ...

entertaining at resorts, bar mitzvahs,churches, store openings. Can py makeme famous at 75?surely SENIORS areOut there and a profitable market!" Don'twe know it! Just send us a recent eight-

by-ten, Frantic Fran, and we'll put you inour Stars of Tomorrow feature.

Much has been written about the tussle

over the rights to the Lennon-McCartneysongs. In the meantime, the entire Gil-bert O'Sullivan catalog remains quietlyavailable, free of any convenient litigo-tion-drenched hype. Albert H. Downs ofSan Francisco has thoughtfully forwardedto us a Catalogue of Master Recordings

announcing the availability for licensingof such hits as "Get Down" and "Why OhWhy Oh Why." If we were a bank lookingfor a jingle, we'd put our money down for

O'Sullivan's biggest hit before you could

say, "A Loan Again (Naturally)«Sorry about that. lt's our 50 years on

the Borscht Belt doing a one-womanshow at piano with songs, jokes, etc., atresorts, bar mitzvahs, churches and store

openings peeking through again.

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DEAR EDlTos sa native of This Tow,

(said with emphasisimilar to that used by northern Californians describing the city of San Francisco), I offer the following addenda:

1. The Tune Inn, an Alan Batesesqueatery complete with stuffed deer rearends, is on Capitol Hill (S.E.), not inGeorgetown (N.W.). Perhaps your report-ers were occupied with computing cabfare and lost track of their location.

2. In addition to reading The Washing-ton Post and The New York Times, rituallistening to NPRS All Things Consideredis mandatory. Otherwise, the universewouldnt revolve around Cokie Roberts.

3. When heSs not in a state of dimin.ished capacity, our mayor pays his taxes.

4. Any good parking space, whether onCapitol Hill or within a four.hour hike ofany of our airports, is routinely reservedfor congressional members and their in-dispensable white-shirted, tortoiseshell.spectacled staff.

Dona Dickinson

Manaisas, Virginia

DEAR EDITORS o you ever makecorrections?

The May issue. The Naked City. TheUsual Suspects. I have never had aCapitol Hill press pass. I have never hadmy picture taken for any Washingtonpress pass. And if I were ever to indulgein such behavior being a Lisgar man, notGlebe, I would surely have whipped my-selfupright and shouted, "Charge' Wherethe hell would "Now get you?

Peter JenningsNew York

in May we reported that while his picture was

being takenfor his Capitol Hill press pass,Jen-flings made the photographer wail while he

"droppedhis headin his lap, spent aJw secondsin apparently rapt concentration, then suddenly

whipped himself upright and screamed,7"Jow!" The superintendent ofihe Senate Radio

and Television Gallery, Larryjanezich, saysthatJennings, a New York resident, is ineligiblef or a regular press pass but has been issued a

temporary pass for which a photo is alsorequired a number o/times. The woman whopresides over the photo-ID desk at the Dirksen

Senate Office Building also confirms that Jen-nings has been in to have his picture taken anumber of times. (According to our fòreign-affairs desk, Lisgar and Glebe are schools in

Ottawa,Jenningsc hometown.)

Message to M. Lynne Murphy ofChampaign, Illinois: We think we canassure you with some certainty that our

subscription-card slogan ("Start MakingSense") is not a rip-off of the campaign

slogan you used ("Start Making Sense")when you ran for student government atUMoss-Amherst. No one around here, os

far as we know, was "attending or nearUMass in 1986' Start making sense, M.

By the way, did you win?

Finally, our apologies to Rajesh Ven-ugopal of Queens, though we're sure ourmailing list isn't responsible for oli thejunk mail he's getting. 'i experienced oconsiderable fall from grace when I saw,

in my mailbox, a subscription offer for

something like Big and Bountiful' hewrites. "My neighbor, a charming thoughprudish young lady, was horrified, andl've last six weeks of patient effort with

her." Don't give up, Rajesh. We know youcan win her backwe're sure of itwitha subscription to that little Dutch news-letter Optische Fenomenen. Give it just o

couple of issues, and you'll be havingcontact. Trust us. )

co R R E C T I O N SIn "From the Humpback Wholes to theWild Turkeys . . . " (March) newts were

incorrectly categorized; they are, ofcourse, amphibians. Also, Senator AI-bert Gore Sr. is not dead (The Fine Print,

May). In the June issue, in "lt Doesn'tTake a Rocket Scientist" the actual Di-one is on the left; and terrorist victimAlfred Herrhausen died in a Mercedes-

Benz, not a BMW, os reported in "TheUltimate Driving Machine"

In the photograph illustrating "Peaceon Earthand Jeane Kirkpatrick is Outof a Job" (March) we inadvertently omit-ted the fashion credits: man's suit, shirtand tie, Paul Smith, 105 Fifth Avenue;man's shoes, Forrutx, 456A West Broad-way; woman's suit, Isabel Ardie at Bar-nays New York. Karen Joneswas the stylist.

July's "Lab Rat" described how Dr.Robert Gallo once placed an angry tele-phone call to the head of a NationalInstitutes of Health review committeeand how the committee had decided

against promoting Gallo's lab employeeFlossie Wong-Staal. In fact, the reviewcommittee had only considered not pro-

mating her. Wong-Stool eventually gother promotion.)

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DEAR ED1'rois was slightly disap-pointed in your spe-

cia! Washington issue. For instance, I

think you could have gone a little bit fur-ther with Ted Kennedy. There have been alot of good alleged upchuck stories as-sociated with the senator. Why couldn'tyou guys and gals dig up a quote or twoabout Teddy boy "parking his Buick" inpublic?

Are you saving these tidbits for a galaCelebrity Cookie-Toss edition?

Ernie MannixNew York

DEAR EDIToRs cading your May edi-tion was, sadly, like

watching Superman being felled by Kryp-tonite. Despite a noble effort, even SPY

magazine couldn't make Washingtonfunny.

j David LevineWashington, D.C.

DEAR EDITORS have read with greatinterest your excerpts

from previous issues dealing with DavidOwen's predictions ofthings to come [TenYeats Ago in SPY). He has an amazing ca-pacity to predict the future.

In this regard, I ask you the following

questions:

1. What is Mr. Owen doing at the pres-ent time?

2. In what position does Mr. Owen an-ticipate being employed ten years fromnow?

3. What does Mr. Owen's investmentportfolio consist of?

4. If information on the specific hold-ings be has is not available, please providethe following:

a) percent of his holdings in bondsover ten-year maturity;

b) percent of his holdings in bondsunder ten-year maturity;

c) percent in mutual funds;d) percent in growth stocks;e) percent in blue-chip stocks.

I realize that your Letters column iscomposed of many very humorous let-ters of general interest. Since this letteris neither funny nor of any particularinterest to anyone else, I certainly wouldunderstand uit is not published, and as amatter of fact I would prefer that it not be

published; you can just send me the in-formation by mail.

Ke,rneih A. Boelte

Ulysses, Kansas

Sadly. Owenr June 1980 article GettingTip-s)' was bis last fr si"i' for almost a dec.ade (during which lime, he says, be was on aSecret /RL(SiOfl for the U.S. government, under-mining Communist regimes in Eastern Eu-ope - our loss was the free worlcts gai&.But a precotions young staffer named David

Kaìup made a strong showing, omniscience-wise, in the 1980s: look for excerpts of hisprescient work in upcoming issues.

DEAR EDITORS ere - have someanagrams.

GEORGE BUSH: THE ENVIRONMENTAL

PRESIDENTBET ON THIS. MEN: GENERATE VILE PR HORSE DUNG

THE ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTUREARTS AND SCIENCES

(ES-MAN DEFECTS; CITE ANOTHER ATROCIOUS

DAMN PIC

Ken Ritz

Portland. Oregon

DEAR EDITORS ow about some moreanagrams?

SPY MAGAZINEZAPS N.Y. IMAGE

Iz MANY PAGES

PAINS MY GAZE

MY ZEN IS A GAP

ZANY MAGPIES

Jerry Thomas

Los Angeles, California

DEAR EDIToRs eading sri' ¡s likehaving a fine meal.

Have you ever thought about getting ridof those goddamned blow-in cards andinstead including some after-dinnermints?Just a thought.

Scott Edelunan

Damascus, Maryland

spy welcomes letters from its readers. Address

correspondence to SPY, The SPY Building, .5Union Square West, New York, NY 10003.Typewritten letters arepreferred. Please include

wur daytime telephone nu,nbei Letters may be

ditedfor length or clarity. )

18 \\et 18th Street New York City 2I267c7

A.G. N.Y

Alan Goldstein New York.Designer of designer smiles.Maven of majestic molars.Impressarlo of incredible,

incendiary incisors.The fact is, with the new

whitening procedure, WHITE 'N'BTE almost anyone canhave the smile they deserve...

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AUGUST 1990 SPY 19

THEfNE PRINT

byjamie Ma/anowski

THE LAST LETrER OFMALCOLM FORBESWhen w think of MalcolmForbcs in his final days, wcdont think ofhim balloon-¡ng or riding his motorcycleor being photographed withElizabeth Taylor. We think ofhim writing lettcrsusinghis last living moments totake pen in hand and recordhis final thoughts. as thoughsome great spirit were stand-ing at his shoulder, whisper-ing, hi tt??ie. Olcourse. wethink that because we havebeen given a copy of his lastletter. Okay, maybe not hisvery last one; well leave it forhis biographers to inauguratean endless controversy aboutwhether he wrote anotherbefore succumbing on Febru-ary 24 although the recordsshow that he spent one of che

intervening days playingbridge in London. Even if hedid play dummy for a fewhands and grab some sta-tionery and write another, itsour bet it didnt express quitethe essence ofhis Malcolm-ness the way this one does.

Februa,y21. /990

Mj. La Toya Jackson

(/0 tValdorf AstoriaSuite ¡97030/ Park AvenueNeu' York. Neu York ¡0022

!)&zr La Toya:

You rnade my

2QSPYAUGUST 199()

TINY EIGHTIES RELIC HENRY KRAVIS was diningcalmly at an Upper East Side restaurant oneevening last spring when something suddenlyactivated his internal social-climbing rnecha-nism: JESSYE NORMAN, the jumbo-size soprano,was dining at a corner table not far from the onewhere Kravis and his wife, clothing designerCAROLYNE ROEHM, were picking at their meagerportions. Eager to add Norman to his list ofhighbrow sort-of-acquaintances, Kravis beggedthe owner of the restaurant for an audience withthe diva. The meeting was arranged, and theoverleveraged buyout hustler was introduced toNorman. After they exchanged pleasantries,Kravis urged, in his inimitable bull-marketstyle, "Please, sing one noteI'll pay you any-thing." Needless to say, Norman politelydeclined.

PEGGY NOONAN, CONSERVATIVE true believer, prob-

ably thought she had passed her loyalty test longago. She is, after all, the most celebrated andskillful presidential ghostwriter of the age, hay-ing concocted speeches for both RONALD REAGAN

and GEORGE BusH and having written a best-sell-ing book (What I Saw at the Revolution) about it.Noonan is now at work on a novel, but evidentlyshe is also sniffing around the public payrollagain. Earlier this summer a publishing col-league of Noonan's received a terse official phonecall from one of J. EDGAR HOOVER'S boys. Canshe be trusted? the impatient FBI investigatorasked, more or less. Are you serious? his incredu-bus interviewee responded. The G-man, itturned out, was conducting a background checkand had no idea that Noonan had toiled obedi-ently in the White House for three years.

"LIKE ALL THE LOCALS tIERE l've had to sell myhome/Too proud to leave I worked my fingers to

'1_

d ti

1r,

.

'I

\'.

A4II. KRAvIs P. NOcINAN B. JoEr.

the bone," sings multimillionaire East Hamp-ton homeowner BILLY JOEL on "The Downeaster'Alexa," the third single from Storm F,-ont, hismost recent schmaltzfest. To the accompani-ment of accordion and fiddLethe currentearthy instruments of choice for rockers wishingto convey their integritythe song's fishermanprotagonist laments the plight of Long Island'sold-time seafaring population and its vanishingway of life. As it turns out, a good bit of thelocals' trouble is attributable ro Manifest Des-tiny doctrinaires like Joel, who five years agopersuaded a long-standing East Marion familyto sell him its huge parcel of undeveloped landon the island's North Fork. While workersprepped the fieldom-to-be to suit the singerstastes, Joel and his wife, CHRISTIE BRINKLEY, rent-ed a house from another venerable North Forkfamily. The temporary nature of their staynotwithstanding, the Joels found time to havea bitter falling-out with their landlordsevi-dently so bitter that Joel decided to abandonthe North Fork altogether. He unloaded hisrecently purchased property on a developer, whoin turn announced plans to subdivide the grandestate into several one- and two-acre housingplots.

PATRIARCH-BY-DEFAULT TEDDY KENNEDY may not betl)rilled to learn that yet another writer is look-ing into Chappaquiddick - but the consolationfor Kennedy is that this time the writer is JOE

MCGINNISS, who is apparently trying to make themisadventure the subject of an upcoming true-crime best-seller, and who is running into sometrouble with the project. McGinniss, you willrecall, became infamous last year for havingbetrayed his Fatal Vision subject and collaborator,wife killer JEFFREY MACDONALD. I really need tohear

310/4'?' 5tOY) McGinniss desperately pleaded coone Chappaquiddick principal recently. You havenothing to worry aboiti - you really can trust me. Youcan. The interview was not granted.

-

How000 MAGIC VS. POLITICAL GRNOSTAWUIN

n April 25 BronxBorough President Feman-do Ferrer suggested thatWarner Bros. adaptationof Tom Wolfes Bonfire of

the Vanities "goes out of itsway to denigrate the Bronxin some particularly offen-sive ways." While Ferrer'sdash to protect che reputa-non of his 1,223,400 constituents was pre-dictable, even unobjectionable, his defense of hisborough's sullied honor was feel-good cheerleadingofthe most implausible kind.

For the record, here are the facts of life in theBronx. Last year there were 484 murders, 604rapes, 16,220 robberies, 20,659 burglaries,9,577 felonious assaults, 29,698 cases of grandlarceny and i i 438 ocher felonies. In otherwords, assuming hypothetically that all the per-petrators and victims were locals, about one out3f seven Bronxites was involved in a serious:rime. Of the 25 elementary schools wich the

Who Has a Wobblier Grip on the 'I'ruith?

lowest reading scores inNew York City, I 3 were inthe Bronx. There were4,172 new high schooldropouts out of a total of48,126 Bronx high schoolstudents. There were 161,000children living in familieswith incomes below thepoverty line. There were

756 reported cases of AIDS.On the other hand, it's not as though the pro-

ducers of the film have been so faithful to theirsource material that they couldn't make a changeor two to assuage some hurt feelings. Mundanecommercialism has already taken a toll onfidelity. Bruce Willis was cast as Peter Fallow,the British reporter ("Victorian-picture-bookblond hair. . . his long pointed nose, his longslender jaw, his spindly body"), and for the partof Judge Myron Kovitsky ("short, thin,bald. . .with a sharp nose") the producers choseMorgan Freeman. John Brodie

PRIVATE LVES OF PuBlic FIGURES

j:

Publisher S. I. Neu'ho,tse makes some iop-leel management decisions.

ILLUSTRATION BY DREw FRIEDMAN

THE SP Y Lisi

Liso Bonetin Angel Heart

George Bush

John Cale

The Exxon Valdez

Jean-Luc Godard

Barbaro Hershey

Alfred Hitchcock

John and Patricia Kluge

Leo Johnson fromTwin Peaks

Les Nessman

Ozzy Osbourne

Frank Perdue

Popi

Martha Stewart

Dave Winfield

Withnail

TNt ItII PIIWT CONTINUED

Va/e,,iine'j Daj.'

A i/ic son I(a Scowizan I birdgCIti?Ig thoSe ba,idso,,,'

ieignifieent leal/itT bikin,ç'gloves. . . aüd. riore. )Otir,,ote a/xi/I going biking ulib wirCapua/ui Toolj. lib be in toucha.I SOlIO au ir hiutv o/ir upri,igrina sc/.iedueled aod ij)oui annur zuith uij one day. it ui/I(alise I/ic biggest rxci!cme,it lince

E/izalìeih Taylor joined iiegro/ip?

Enc/oied is a book about lome

our cycle traPe/u and it :ilI be

gn'a! to beiPe a neu' dIa/ilerheaded "La Ioa. th CapiialiitTool.'.'

[signedJ Malcolm

CASHING IN THEIR CHIPS:OUR PREVIEW OF THE

GREAT CONGRESSIONAL

MONEY GRABOver the next two years orso, one ol the great spectatorsports for Washington insid-ers vill be watching to seewhich veteran congressmenopt for a premature retire-ment in order to profit froma snon-to.expire perquisite ofmembership in the House.Until a decade ago memberswere able to indulge in I

legal kind ofgrati: whenthey decided to retire. theywere allowed to keep what-ever money had been donatedto their congressional-cam-

paign committees. Usuallythey were able to take hun-dreds of thousands of dollars.This scandalous arrange-ment - who knows howmuch influence was pur-chased with a contributionthat was quietly and patientlybanked until retirement?wa.s outlawed in 1980, sortnf: the fleW law. alas, didntapply to anyone electedbefore i 980. But last year. aSpart of the Ethics Reform

Act, Congress bravely closedthe loophole, sort of: il youwant to keep your contribu-tions when you retire, youhave to go before January I.1993.'rhis virtually guarantees

that over the next two and a

halfyears many longtimelegislators will come to

AUGUST f990 SPY fl

I.14JLJ. ciLt

?NIiMlPtINY CONTINUI*

the conclusion chat ics rimeto give some )oun pup athance. Ind(cd, ics alreadyhappening: Bill Frenzd, whowa.s first L1eCtd in 197() andWIR) iS the ranking Republi-can on clic HOLISe BudgetC.ommiuee. has announcedthat 1w will step down, eventhough he is only 62; andl)u Rostcnkowski, also 62.tile shek machine pol (rumChicago who chairs the \Vays.*nd Means Committee. hasintimated diat his proposalto balance the budget may lxhi. l.tst contribution to thet.ommon good belore heexits. Olcourse, Frenzel didflot ment ion whether heintends w take his $.5S,317cache with him. nor did Ros-wnkowski say whether hepLuis to take the S I millionplus he has socked away. EdJ ones ol Tennessee hasalretdv stepped down and(:.ihL(l in his SI 30,685, tIiCI

Sm Stratton of New Yorkwalked away wich Sl98,79.(ìlso bencting, hut lesspersonally, Were some con-grcssmen who died in officeretently. including Claudel'epjvr of Florida and DanDaniel 01 Virginia. who kit$37,353 anti SI I2,91() thatwasn't really theirs to theirftq1t.(t ive estates.)

To he sit. some clitihlmembers have honorablyretr.iined from grabbing withboth hands, stich as Dick(:hcn(y, who J)ased upSÓH,K8 I when he becamesecretary of Defense. Whatfollows s a roster of those

representatives eligible forthis windttll, and how mucheach stutal to make (ortorgo) as ()I February.

/tla/'awia: 'bm BcvilI (D).$5 I 1 .5 I I William Dickin-son (D), Si36,'?50; RonnieI:IiI,I.) (t)). S I UI 2.831

Ari,vsaa: Bob Stump (R),s I I ,O 't: Morris tidall (D),$75,879

1rAvinas: 13111 Alexander(I)), $16,770; Bervi Anthony(D). $.iS.1,19í;John 11am-mcrsçhmidc (R), $103.81ó

(:ilsj;sra:: Glenn Anderson(1)). S I 17,2(4); AntlxiiiyBeiknson (I)), $8 I 5 'S:

2' SPY AUGUST 1990

v-.

% « _ «

lD Tuis YEAR WE'LL CALL A TORN ROTATOR

CUFF OREL HERSISER'S DIsEASEBaseball Pyrexia - Catch Ft

'w. don't know what authority is responsible for thinking up the names ofdiscases. hut whoeverhad the genius in the late 1950s to defer to popular usage and call the ghastly affliction amyocrophiclateral sclerosis "Lou Gehrigs diSraSe ought to be commended. The name communicates so well - it'ssimple, memorable, humanized, Why aren't more diseases and syndromes, so often burdened with tech-nical, polysyllabic, hard-to-rcrncrnbcr names, renamed in commemoration of some ballplayer whosename' everyone can alrcady pronou ncc'

Performance ofactivities requiring motor coordination is markedly Developmental Juan Samuel'sbelow the expected level; manifested in dropping things coordination disorder syndrome

Obsessive preoccupationand concern of the parient about his orher Hypochondria Rickey Henderson'sstate of health or the condition of his or her organs; magnification disease

olthe intensity ofsensations that mostpersons disregard

Episodes of loss of control of aggressive impulses; the degree of Intermittent explosive David Cones diseaseaggressiveness expressed is grossly out of proportion to the stimulus disorder

Patient becomes irritable or argumentative when asked to do some- Passive-aggressive Darryl Strawberry'sthing he or she does not want to do; protests, without justification, personality disorder diseasethat others make unreasonable demands; believes he or she is doing amuch better job than others think he or she is doing

Involuntary complex vocal tic involving the use of socially unac- Coprolalia Lenny Dykstra'sceprable words or phrases, often obscene syndrome

Disturbance in the progression of thought. characterized by a rapid Flight of ideas, or Phil Rizzuto's disease,digression from one idea to another, though the ideas do not clang association or Scooter flu

progress to some larger point

Patient reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, is interpersonally Narcissistic George Steinbrenner'sexploitative, has a grandiose sense of self-importance, is preoccu- personality disorder syndromepied with fantasies ofunlimited success, has a sense of entitlement,rcxuires constant attention, lacks empathy

Patient basa compulsion to steal, especially without economic motive Kleptomania Bob Engel's disease

Patient places bets obsessively Pathologicalgambling Pete Rose's disease

In men, exaggerated desire for frequent sexual intercourse Satyriasis Steve Garvey's disease

Patient expresses emotion with inappropriate exaggeration, dis- Histrionic personality Billy Martins diseaseplays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions, has no disordertolerance for delayed gratiñcation

Craterlike texture and swelling on the surface of the proboscis Rhinophyma Don Zimmer dise

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TNt PINI PAINT CONTIHUID

Gcore Brown (D), $56,260;William Dannemcyer (R),$38,742; Ron Dellums (D),$96,288; Julian Dixon (D),$71,156; Don Edwards (D),$43,653; Vic Fazia (D).$502,863; AugustusHawkins (D), $148,795;Robert Lagomarsino (R),s I 2 1 .893; Jern' Lewis (R).$137,805; Robrrt Matsui(D), $756,099; GeorgeMiller (1)), $480,017; Nor-man Mineta (D). $368,526;Carlos Moorhcad (R),S720,386; Leon Panetta (D),$147,037; Charles Pashayan(R), $34,803; Edward Roy-bal (D), $197,879; NormanShumway (R). $125,486;PcceSc.irk(D), $243,198;William Thomas (R),$187,683; Henry Waxman(D). $467,258

Colorado: Pat Schroeder(D), $255.297

Florida: Charles Bennett(D), $317,943; Dante Fasccll(D), $596,914; Sam Gibbons(D). $623,643; Earl Hutto(D), $80,789; Andrew Ire-land (R), $90,333; WilliamLehman (D). $2l6,381; BillYoung (R), $332,266

Gt'orgia: L)oug Barnard Jr.(D), $556,990; Newt Ging-rich (R), $31.915; Edjenk-ins (D), $467,600

Haua,i: Daniel Akaka (D),$131,166

Illinois: Frank Annunzio(D), $190,777; CardissCollins (D), $224.112;Philip Crane(R), $110,290;Henry Ilyde(R). $212,572;Edward Madigan (R),$450,253; Robert Michel(R), $128,604; Dan Ros-tcnkowski (D).$1,052,462; Martin Russo(1)), $51,052; SidneyYates (D), $247,037Indiana: Lee hamilton (D),

$135,217; AndrewJacobs(L)), $17,858;John Myers(R). $96,292; Philip Sharp(D), $219,755

¡oua:Jim Leach (R),$35,55 I ; Neal Smith (D),$344,864; l'homas Tauke(R). $300.004

Kansas: Daniel Glickman(1)). $127,475; Bob Whit-taker (R), $524,099

Kentacky: Larry Hopkins

24 SPY AUGUST 1990

A u u s T

DATEBOOKEnchanting and

Alarming Eventi

Upcaming

i The Iris and B.Gerald Cantor RoofGarden opens its fourthseason atop TheMetropolitan Museumof Art. Crafty UpperEast Side schoolboyssaw holes in the flooranti dangle their legsinto the Lila AchesonWallace Wing below,fooling snootymuseumgoers intothinking that a newRed Grooms exhibitionhas been mounted.Years later, one of themischief-makers writes¡n his best-selling, self-

aggrandizing boyhoodmemoir, "As thatsummer at the Metdrew to a close, as our

dangling legs grewgoosepocked from the

encroaching autumnbreeze, Kip and Irealized that what wewere hanging on to was,in fact, our youth."i Al D'Amato turns53, not an ideal age atwhich to receive aprison sentence.

Edge is born DavidHowell Evans, 1961;hairline starts torecede, I 970; last seenwithout a hat, 1986.9 Ocean City, NewJ ersey, hosts its annualBaby Parade. At thescene live, WABC-TV

2 On PBS's EyewitnessThisOld ' News puffballHouse, Steve - Chaunceyand Norm ;. A

: Howellcontinue their . reports,restoration of __ .. . .-a "Kaity,a Concord barn. Terra- things here havecotta tiling begins. slowed down -3 Denzel Washington to a crawl!"opens in Richard ill; i 8 On PBS's Honietime,

Delacorte Theater, Dean and JoAnne roofCentral Park. And the a three-season porch.

Jaycees in Sheboygan 25 On PBS's The

sponsor "Bratwurst Collectors, Dana and

Days," a Bob visit Drayton Hall,

bratwurstagan-za a southern plantation,featuring a flea market, to appraise silver anda stumpfiddle contest furniture.and yep!-bratwurst. 26 The Museum of the8 U2 guitarist The City olNew York

sponsors a walking tourentitled "The EastVillage: WhereGreenwich VillageReinvented Itself." Thetour costs $ 1 5. That's

right-you pay 15bucks to step over1981 issues of Discoverand Oui.27 First round of theU.S. Open TennisChampionships; theUSTA National Tennis

Center, FlushingMeadows-CoronaPark, Queens. As usual,the bleachers are filledwith leathery middle-aged wives wearingtennis whites, as ¡fatany moment the

linesman might say,"Ladies and gentlemen,Steffi Grafhas torn aligament in her righthand. You, in the firstrow, in che Filaensemble-service!")

- -.---'-----.------.----,'--------- -,'---- -'------- -------------.--------.-----'. -,.-----.,----. ..-,'- --,,------'-.-' ',_,_'____-__-_-.__Th. -..--,---.-----.----

/

t

--

Capsule ¡lovie Rt'ieuii by Walter "Dateline: The Copa " Alonheit

,#Jthe Movie Publicist's Friend

TIlE FRESHMAN, starring MarIon Brando, Matthew Broderick (Tri-Star)Wa/te, Monheit says. "Broderick graduates into a class with Brando, and corn-mencernent's at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion! But uk-oh, better grease upthe freight entrance for MarIon! Hey, Oscar-get the buttert"

AIR AMERICA, starring Mel Gibson, Robert DowneyJr. (Tri-Star) ÇÇWaiter Monheit says. "Taxi down the runway, Bobby Jr.! Cap'n Oscar justcleared you for takeoff!"

DARK M,N, starring Frances McDormand, Liarn Neeson (Universal)Walter Monheit says. "Mel and Warren - beat it! Michael J. - amscray! Sum-mer '90 Neeson season! O000f!"

What the monocles mean: - excellent; ppç' - indisputably a classic

How YOURLONG DISTANCE CALLSCAN MAKE WORLD O

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call, you help bring the world back to what it was.

Working Assets Long Distance uses the fiber-optic network of US Sprinte so youll get the saine lowrates and high quality service all US Sprint customers get. In the past our donations have supportedgroups like Rainforest Action Network. Earth Day 1990 and the Environmenta' Defense Fund.

Call today to sign up: ask for extension 500Ei -800- 877-2100---------------

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groups that protect forests. animals. water and air. at no cost to me.iI1.isi .H numbers to be connected. Include area codes.i

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T,II PINI PuNT CONTINUtO

(R). $660.682; Carroll Hub-bardjr. (D). $266.876;Romano Mazzoli (D),$19,721Lou:jiana: Lindy Boggs

(D), $28,789; Jerry Huckaby(D), S3()9,896; Robert Liv-ingston(R). $181,112

Maryland: Beverly Byron(D), $61,305

MaJsach,.oftt.: Silvio Conte(R). $280,667; Brian Don-neUy (D), $457,829; JosephEarly (D), $125,091; EJMarkey (D). $493,52 I;Nicholas Mavroules (D),

$97.748;Joe Moakley (D),$378.91 3; Gerry Studda (1)),$92,785Michigan: David Bonior

(D), $238,637; WilliamBroomfield (R), $655,542;John Conycrs (I)), $18,466;Bob Davis(R), $143,085;John Dingell (D), $268,707;William Ford (D), $223,618;Dale Kildec (D), $24,651;Carl Pursell (R), $154,564;Bob Traxler (D), $295,029;Guy VanderJagt (R),$133,864; Howard Wolpe(D), SI 17,486

Mipipzeso:a: Bill Frenad (R),

S358,347;James Oberstar(D), $347,843, Martin Sabo(D), $279,688 Arlan Stange-land (R), $84,5 I 6; BruceVento(D), $214,503

Missiiippi: Sunny Mont-gomery (D). $1 16,627:JamieWhicten (1)), $435,184

Missouri: Tom Coleman(R), $127,908: William Clay(D), $7 I 878; Dick Gephardt(D), $6,796; Ike Skelton (D),$317,244; Harold Volkmer(D),$175,871

,'lUnIana: Ron Marknee(R), $104,381; Pat Williams(D), $142.752Nebraska: Douglas Bereuter

(R). $81,064; Virginia Smith(R), $32.551NewJersey: Frank (;Lzarini

(E)). $167,088; WilliamHughes (D), $186.613:Matthew Rinaldo (R).$878,982; Robert Roc (1)),$533,628Neu' York: Thomas 1)owney

(D), $443.755; HamiltonFish (R). $1-47,815; Ben-jamin Gilman (R),$153,546; Bill Green (R),$243,935: Frank Horton

26 SPY AUGUST 1990

ORULHNC IN OUR TIME

"Makes you want to go back and read every wordKate Simon has ever written, then wait hungrilyfor more." - Le Anne Schreiber on K- Simon'sBronx ¡)yjjj/jj,

"Le Anne Schreiber has written of the eternalPas de deux of life and death with a clear eye,with compassion, with verity, and with highskill." - Simon on Schreiber's Midst reani

"Herb Stein's guide for the perplexed arrives inthe nick of time." -George F. Will on HerbertSte i n 's Presidential Eco,zomis

"A marvel of style, personality, character, learningand intelligence." - Stein 00 X'ills i L'c P/er./:., i

\,

tUe ¿f Other Toy Notions

"Breathtaking, brilliant'y executed." - EdnaBuchanan on John Kit '-,ich's Day oJ I?ecl'oning

"A helluva book." - Katzenbach on Buchanan'sNobody Ligies

Hou'ard Kaplan

...................................

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DAFFYNITION TIME!Ode-to-ihe-Ont,çoing-Mana,ging-Editor Editior

DOWN1Haifo1acomnc OIRIEISJteam

WIA1L1KLA2Synan,eg.jRiAjB1B!I IT3Me.xpelociE.iu1N MIAONeill

4 Inuit iStRIO

- n'pr:,itedfivm The New York Times. i'.lay ¡O md i I. 1990

CELsnAL HINDSITSpy --i- Ho'oscopejr Skeptics

Subject: MICHAEL MlI.KEN I

Sign: Cancer (h. 7/4/46)Date: April 24, 1990Notable Activity: Pleaded guilty to six felonycliares, including conspiracy, securities fraud andmail fraud; agreed to pay fine and restitution total-ing $600 million, which reporedly will leave himwith $1 billionHoroscope: "You have a great gift, the ability tospit in the eye ofcalanìity, and you may have to all

on it this month. In the face of natural disaster orterrorist attack, remember that. . .you will alwayshave enough to eat. " - Michael Lutin, Vani!)' Fair

Subject: MIKI-iAll. GORBACHEV

Sign: Pisces(b. 3/2/31)

Date: May I, 1990Notable Activity: Ar May Day parade, enduredprotests from disgruntled Soviet citizens, whoshouted that he should resignHoroscope: " An emotionally charged show-down . . . . Comnìunicate your feelings honestly. Don ttake things too personally." - Usha, USA Today

Subject: ZSA ZSA GABOR

Sign: Aquarius (b. 2/6/20, reportedly)Date: May 1, 1990Notable Activity: Was sentenced to 60 additiothours o public service after judge said she hadserved her previous sentence for slapping a Beve I'Hills police officerHoroscope: "You've gotten yourself into a compi-'and gooey weh, and in spite of all your bravauoyou feel trapped." - MichaeL Lutin, Vanity Fair

- George Man'.

RESTAURANT & BAR

55 WEST 21st. ST NEWYORK. N.Y.1001 1212.929.0740

Jc4

TNt flML Pils! CONTIHUID

(R), S165,180;John LaFalce(D). $516,075; NormanLent (R), $600,166;Matthew McHugh (D),$131.835; Henry Nowak(D). $205,369; CharlesRangel (1)), $331,198;James Scheuer (D). $264;Steve Solarz (D),$1,393.257; GeraldSolomon (R). S I 3 1 480; TedWeiss (D), $77,462North Carolina: Bill HeI-

ncr (D), $234,685; WalterJones (D), $297.227;Stephen Neal (D),$123,251; Charles Rose (D),$438,720

Ohio: Douglas Applegate(D), SI 39,381; Willis Gradi-son (R), $408,104; TonyHall (D), $287.533; ThomasLuken (D). $48.017;Clarence Miller (R),

$105,581; Mary Rose Oakar(D), $39,048; Don Pease (D),$320,936; Ralph Rc8ula (R),$89,918; Louis Stokes (D),$208.537; Chalmers Wylie(R), $65,638Oklahoma: Mickey Edwards

(R), $59,927; Glenn En1ish(D), $269.823; Mike Synar(D), $104,327; WesleyWatkins (D), $156,052

OreSon: Les AuCoin (D),$373,960

Pernzy/ra,ia: WI Il ¡am

Clinger (R), $126,728;Lawrence Coughlin (R).

$260,846; JoSeph Gaydos(D), $114,555; WilliamGoodling (R), $10,735; BillGray (D). $32,649; JosephMcDade (R), $3 I 8,227;Austin Murphy (D).$81,453;John Murtha (D),$256,392; Donald Ritter(R), $69,721; RichardSchulze(R), $356,012; BudShusrer (R), $174,595; l)ottg

Walgren (D), $185,343;Robert Walker (R), $55,480;Gus Yatron (D), $165,969

South Caroliaa: Butler Der-rick (D), $183,056; FloydSpence (R), $33,270

Thrnessee: Harold Ford (D),

$6,486; Marilyn Lloyd (D),$149,940;James Quillen(R), $881,704

Texas: William Archer (R),$644,472; Jack Brooks (D),$527,629; Kika de la Garza(D), $118,388; Martin

28 SPY AUGUST 1990

:Ì/d:A ''PAROONNE1-Mul, Où Esr UN PAR/s/EN AVEC

HUMANITÉ Oil COMPASS/ON?''1% SPY P,o,mmiation Gazeueerfor the World Traveler

t is not uncommon for American tourists to find tlwniselves in situations in which their grasp oIthe naive language proves inadequate. Part ofche J)r[)1en is that traditional pllr;ISC books, so quick toinform us how co respond politely in situations involving cousins or gloves, are much less hclpfiil whenthe ride of events turns to personal inconvenience and unpleasantness. Thus clic visitor ro Pamplona,ecuipped with scores of flowery phrases about vino and arte, finds himself ill equipped to impress uponothers the fact that he has been gored by a bull and is unable co clot. Herewith, a briel guide to corn-municating abroad, with special emphasis on some ofthe phenomena the international traveler may ac-tually encounter.

We are confused by the Li,b tay-lay-PHONE noo

telephone. pah-RAY coìa-ftice-KAY

Our waiter has NO-trrb sair-VOOR nr»-

abandoned US. ZAK ah-lw,-do-NAY

Six thousand francs' See ?Ileelfranhs? Vr» dub-

Surdv Voti arc joking. VAY sair-tei-l1lONH play-sonh- TA Y

Our luggage was sen to Lay NO-stray vah-LEE-jayParma. so-no STAT-a3' speb-DEE-

lay ah PA k-ma.

. . .to London. . . . ah LON-dra.

. . 'to Zagreb. . . . ah Zab-GAH-b'e-;ah.

We have been waiting Ah-RYAH-mo ab-speh-

three hours. TAH-to Iray OR-ay.

We are made Eel VO-siro SEN-so del 00-

uncomfortable by your more-!Z-no peu-TOAST-o

rather lively sense of spic-CAH-io /e DAH-z'ah

humor. ¡ahi-TEE-dec-o.

Someone has had Ku'al-KOO-no ab- VA Y-vah

i n tercourse on our bed! FA 11-to dell SES-so soci

NO-uro LET-to!

cl ilyIrOur valuables have htn OON-2a/' ¿'c,l-(,y-gn-

StOICfl SHTEN-da ZiZI geh-

SHTOH-len!

Our valuables have been OON-zair ziert -gay-ge?!-

washeai SHTEN-da zita geh-VOSH-en!

Ii1LIAlter dinner we walked Ah-ha-RAY ha-ah-R(X)-ha

near the settlement, ha-LAKH-noo I.M'-yabdwhere we were held at ha-yay-SH(X)V Pay-flay-el-

gunpoint by strange SAR-noo all-yay-DAY ah-

men. nah-SHEEM :ìux-zah-REEM.

We are sunburned and

angry.

The younger of yourtwo sons has urinatedon OU luggage.

Es-TAH-mos toe-STAFF-

doie pore el sole ce en-Jab-

DA H-dose.

El may-NOR day soo.r dose

EF-boce ah oh-ree-NAH-

doe en ?!eu-ae-1, eh-bey-

PA H-hay

- henry A/Jo;?!

SPARAT[D 1 BIRTH?

Maria Maples...

1HÍIT 'J*1L_Father Bruce Ritter...

Johnny Depp...

and Monty Hall'

'

and Stella Stevens?

4 ;fand Bond girl TalisaSoto?

One of the most infIuenfia

E blues k 'n roll singers of all

cI tun James is armed with

p'-J

so most powerful RU

IIyou've ever heord, on

i k new, Stickin To MyI

J Guns. This is ihe American

Culture, its the blues, says Etto. "i

lust wanted to bring it up to the

present. She puts the old with the

i

:

:-new, and slays timeless and true.

I4t*tL1t

b

Jb'-J

><

.

=- ___v

The Godfather cl British Blues D

Iya11 is hera to please hs ________________________ 3oieD Ulr'7es

ce his familiar r

growing apprive oudiene. A'u

Sense Of Place features his i

ib

heartfelt vocals, boogie-bosed

n Blues, rock n roll, Creole .. forgetg,L planoS

soulful harmonica and most

the categories Thr&

okesFire,BuckCae o I e

UIof all, his impeccable taste. i

'u''ui Zydeco rocks their roots like never

3:

before. Smokin' as always, Stanley

*. capture all the soulful energy

'Buckwheot DuraI and his bond

necessary for o floor shokin, fo

I'

stompin' good time.T'

'

iQISlAND ,

d compact discs, cassete und records-

THI PINI PtNY CONTINUID

Frost (D), $384,705; HenryGonzalez (D), $65,181;Marvin Leath (D), S487,353Jake Pickle (D), $182,344;Charles Scenhoim (D),$58,785; Charles Wilson(D), $51.833

Waihington: Norman1)icks (D), $310,852; TomFoley (D), $703,371; AllanSwift (D), $234,591

Weji Virginia: Nick Rahall(D), $481,236

Wisconim: Les Aspin (D),$230,5 10; Robert Kasten-mejer (D), $28,570; DavidObey (D), $307,182;Thomas Petri (R), $339,979;Toby Roth (R), $268,464;J ames Sensenbrenner (R),$166,192

(A ndrra Rider assisted i,:

rirc.irching ¡hispiere.)

I'S ON THE PRIZE

Once again it's time ro lookat somc of the jour-nalists whose work was sub-mitted for a Pulitzer prize. inan effort to lind out who is infavor with his or her boss.

From The New York

Tinirs, executive editorMax Frankel nominated

Jane I3rody, Vincent Canby,Steven Crist, Maureen Dowd,Walter Goodman, LindaGreenhouse, Jane Gross,Gina Kolata, NicholasKristofand Shervi WuDunn(who won), Bruce Lambert,Andrew MaLcolm, David

Margoiick, Douglas Martin,Peter Passell, Frank Rich,John Russell, Serge Schme-mann, Philip Shenon andMichael Winerip. Editorial

Pg editorjack Rosenthalnominated David C. Ander-son. Former Time; artsreporter Samuel G. Freedmannominated Tinies rock criticJon Pareles.

Lou Colasuonno, managingeditorofthc Neu' York Pojt,nominated his boss, editor inchiefand columnist JerryNachmaii cvidcnrlybecause he thought, withcomplete oójectit'iiy, that Nach-man called to mind noont. so much as Walter Lipp-mann in his heyday. Nach-mandidnrwin.

30 SPY AUGUST 1990

1TiJi ALL Aoot.f, A THE TIMEOi the Eve ofGerman Reunification, a Guide to TVs Ad Hoc Nazi Network

a regime that ended nearly halla century ago, the Third Reich stillgets an awlul lot of television time. In any given sitting, a viewer with thefull complement of cable channels is virtually guaranteed a chance to seearmbanded troops goose-stepping through Berlin while ominous tympanicrolls fill the soundtrack and a Richard Basehartlikc voice-over portentouslya n nounces, "March J 93 9 . . . Hit/er dec/ares the dissolution ofCzechoslovakia. " The

Arts & Entertainment Network is prime operative in staking out airwaveLebensraum, reliably offering hours and hours of war documentaries eachweek, many of them Hitler-related. 'The audience is very vocal about theseshows," explains A&E publicist Pamela Gidclon. "1 see all these shows onRommel and Hitler and wonder sometimes. But they fare well in the rat-ings.

" Fortunately, during those rare time slots when A&E is instead airingA&EJ An Evening at the Improv or sundry British foppery, other networkspick up the slack, creating, in effect, a dream come true for white suprem-acists and adolescent war-game buffs: the Hitler Channel!

Herewith, a full slate* of HTV for the typical sample week

beginning February 1 1 , 1990, which was, incidentally, several weeks beforeA&E premiered Art in the Third Reich (two parts), Biography: "JosephGoebbels" and Mussolini: The Untold Story (two parts).

SUNDAYA&E. 5:00 p.m. The Eagle and the Bear:"Dateline: 1945. Road to Berlin." (½ hr.)A&E, 6:00 p.m. OrCentmy: "World WarII," part 2o13. (1 hr.)WWOR 7:00 p.m. l'V 111m: In.ci/c tI,c

Third Reich ([982), part 1 of' 2. RutgerHauer, Blythe Danner. (2 hrs.)

MONDAYThe Movie Channel, 8:00 a.m, Film: lCd-l"j Heroes (1970). Clint Eastwoud, TellySavalas, Don Rickles. All-star cast engi-neers a gold-heist mission behind Nazilines. (2½ hrs.)WWOR, 8:00 p.m. TV film: l,side tJ)eThird Reich (1982), part 2 o(2. (2 hrs.)

TUESDAY

A&E, 6:00 a.m. Golden Age of Television:

"Operation Spark. " David Wayne plots toassassinate Hitler. (!Ai hr.)Cinemax, 2:30 p.m. Film: Hitler (1962).Richard Basehart, Mario Emo. (2 hrs.)The Disney Channel, 6:00 p.m. Film: StarWars (1977). Mark Hanìijl, Harrison Ford,Carrie Fisher. High-tech space fantasywhose villains borrow blatantly from Naziiconography. (2 hrs.)A&E, 8:00 p.m. Biography: "The Fat1Attraction of Adolf Hitler," ptrt 1 of 2.(1 hr.)WNYE, 10:00 p.m No Father, No ¡ti cahe:No Uncle Sam. World War I I orphans.(1 hr.)

WEDNESDAY

WHiM, 8:00 p.m. Entertaining the Troops.Tribute to performers who entertainedmilitary troops at home and abroad, espi.daily during World War El. (2 bra.)A&E, 9:00 p.m. Our Centitry: "World War11,.' parr 3 o13. (I hr.)WNJM, 10:00 p.m. Hou flit/e, Lost the\tir. Documentary. ( I ½ his.)

THURSDAY

A&E, 8:00 p.m. Heroes: "Forrest Vosler."

Documentary about radioman-gunnerVosler, whose B-17 went down in theEnglish Channel in World War Il. (½ hr.)TNT, 8:00 p.m. Film: Flying Leathernecks(1951). J1)l1Iì Wayne, Robert Ryan. Marinepilots get in on the World War Il action.(2 hrs.)WNJM, 10:00 p.m. Showbiz Goes to War.

David Steinberg. host. Chronicle of theentertainment industry's contributions tothe war effort during World War II. (2 bra.)

FRIDAY

TNT, 2:30 o.m. Film: Reachfor Glory(1962). Harry Andrews, Kay Walsh.British World War H drama. (244 bra.)

SATURDAY

A&E, 4:30 p.m. Profi/es: Adolf lliticr.(½ hr.)WLIW, i 0:00 p.m. \ ì,./í/ tV'v': "FranceFalls. ' Documcntary. ( I hr.)

- David Kamp

*j'hiç schedule dot's not includc reruns of Hogi,i'i Hrr,vs or Ccmbat in syndicition.

THE Ill SMITH

TOT[ BOARD

A Monthly Tally

Donald Trump ............ i .8

Liz herself ...................... 2

Ivano Trump ............... 2.4

Marlo Maples ............. 4.8

Barbara Bush ................ 6

A Current Affair ............ 6

Diane Sawyer ................6

Warren Beatly ............... 8

Katharine Hepburn ...... 8

Frank Sinatra ................ 8

TinaBrown ................. 12

PanAm ....................... 12

Sylvester Stalione ........ 12

Robert Coro ................ 24

Lenin's "disastrous"

ideology .....................24

spy ...............................24

Frank Stallone ............. 24

V/RAT'S IN

A NAME?

Our i%loulh/)' Aiiagraiii

A ,ia/ cic

OPTI FASTFAlSO TIP

ELVIS PRESLEYYES, SERVE PILL

PRESIDENT FIDELCASTRO

CAST FRIENDLIER DESPOT

LEWIS LAPHAMWELL, A MISHAP

GENERAL MOTORSLARGEST NO MORE

Andy Aaron

. L:;: i -. -

FONtYVODIATO

:

'

A FOIIR-CLAR RATJNG.

':. RUSS/4,4'

I_

p)'

-Ti:: =;:-

- 'Çh-'

z

I

:

*1

,,tl..

197

,1

.

FOR OVER A CENTRY

Till REIGNING VODKA

Ill ¡I1(1 p niiiiu'i

Ì_Oi Ii lIJ11IUI

Au5u5t ç, 1974 1-T::-

No. 1: RICHARD NixoN's IN THE ARENA.

A MEMIIIR OF VICTORY, DEFEA T AN/i RENEWALAll ii/atería! in quote.c IcI//aI/y taken from book!

'Finaliy,it wa aU over"

"I was down,but no out...."

,.. ': '..

" Lhouht that now, a-

'

.phlthti5' least, mh a Ii1Ie- reUef from the merciless- attacks of the critics. It ( :-

was not to be. . . .

:

,-

.

"Judge

,,,-

'Sirica wanted me -- J

¡n his courroorn. he.

!ordered three doctors

. tocornetoSan '

.

'S

Clemente . , . t0 see if the5*reports of the seriousness

,Ï_-_-S S

,./__

___'___\,___,,__

o1myiIInesweretrue.... s.

One was obviousv . . .

f

- embarrassed by Ehe-

who'e exercise, but theYou heard what other two seemed, tohis wife said-rio enjoy their work.' it,heroic meajurej,/ey 'The wounds of body and

I

('.AS I once said to Chou En-Sai k( can, e NewYork, IççO

The Toay5howayjn. . .

. . . eopitics . . . b1ah ah ah.,the China card . . . ah..

AIAPT,vrloN In' BRUCE HANDY

32 SPY AUGUST 1990 I1.I.tiSTRATI0N [W KYLE BAKER

''THERE'S A MAKE-BEliEVE Fv N M Soup''

An Irresponsible SPY G,ide to Consumer Complaining

ItJ1J at:

u_.onely? Crave a response from people? Want someone co write to besides those Indonesian pen pals who always end up ask-ing for boat fare to Hawaii? Apart from sitting right down and writing yourselfa letter, theres something else you can cry: writ-ing to corporate America. Most [arge companies have special departments set up just to listen co you. Though they exist mainly toreceive complaints about their companies' products, they'll be happy to read anything sent to them - fan mail, hate mail, border-line-psychotic variations on the two preceding categories.

In return, you're likely to get an answerjudging from our experience, an all-too-accommodating answer. And also free coupons,free samples, recipes, pamphlets and even, occasionally, U.S. currency. For the price of a rented post office box in Mississippi, si'y

got skilled typist DAVID ADAM to send out under cover of various pseudonyms I 5 spurious consumer-complaint letters.

t(.JI:,iI- Lt.]'1'14 (.1:1 â:1 Ik

JLs]Th1'('L11 1'Y1 1IJ

Campbdl Soup Co. Fratico-Arnericm 1òo ¿.c1aunous; couldnt separare 30 days Lettr from companys consunr corrcspondcnt expressing ap-SpaghettiOs the little Os prcciation for cime consumer took to comment; two coupons

for nw jtircIas of free products from Campbell. Swanson,Franco-American, V-8, Pepperidge Farm. Prego, Mrs. Paul's,Vlasic, Marie's, Early Califorua, Casera, l)urkcc- or Open Pitbrands

Coors Brewing Co. Coors Light bier Kcroscne taste (sugzcstion that I 2 days Letter from company's COnSUmtí-iflformatiot) assistant assurinJ.disgruntled factory worker is that higlxst ltlaliry is being maintained: Coors snuvc'nir ball-contaminating the beer; accusation point penof communist conspiracy)

General Foods USA JeU-O Brand Red streak in mixture; children 19 (lays Explanation from senior consumer rqresentative that trace ofFrench vanilla frightened by blood' another flavor had accidentally been mixed in; three Sipudding and pie COUpOnS k)r an JeU-O products; form card exclaiming, "ltsfi I I i ng goxl to hear trou) oti . . . because i t helps us help you!"

Harrods Christmas Chemical flavor: crumbly texture I 5 days Letter of tleei regret stating that pudding baker had ht-en1,titltlii (pointed comment about notified, followed three weeks later by second letter. with ex-

disintegranon nf' British empire) planation from supplier that puddings must have been storednear chemicals, followed by airmail delivery of one fruitcaketwo days after that

Keebler Co. Pecan Sandies Violent fit of vomiting after I 2-i days4 Noneingesting rtxluct (inexcusableP°° al)()LIt losing cookies)

Kellogg Co. Kellogg's Apple No prize in lxx (petulant insistence 3 days Form letter from Kelloggc consumcr-afliirs department thank-1J acks on the principle olthe thing) ing consumer for bringing matter co their attention; three free

prizes (ghost detectors)Kikkornan Kikkoman sos' Roast basted with Kikkoman had 20 days Extremely concerned letter from manager of consumer servicesInternational Inc. sauce burned-rubber taste (cheap insult offering to chemically analyze remaining contents of bottle, fol-

abotit Japanese Prt1CtS) lowed three weeks later by manila envelope containing orientalcookbook and guilt-inducing $5 hilllater returned to Kikko-man - to pa.' for s1x)iled roast

Kraft General I'O()dS Cracker Barrel Package only three-quarters full 25 days Letter proposing specious theory about "air bubble"; check forInc. extra-sharp (unfavorable comparison with $3.25; coupon for free package of cheese and another for 35

Cheddar cheese Japanese packaging) cents offany other Kraft lL1rchase

'fhomasJ. Lipton Inc. Lipton Flo-Thru Tags came off little strings (nostalgic 27 days Assurance from consumcr-aWairs department tli,it Lipton prod-tea bags recollection of'good old days and ucts are manufactured under strict supervision; coupon for free'

company's better. sturdier tea bags) L'sx of tea bags; one' iitton 'l'ca I 00th-anniversary bookmark

Nabisco Biscuit Co. Triscuirs Insect legs woven into crackers I 25 days* None

Pilot Corporation of Pilot BP-S fine- Peit breaks at knurled section on 2 1 days 1_euer apologizing for inconvenience while asserting quality ofAmerica point ix'n t()I) has happened 20 times Pilot products; one rcplacenent BP-S int'-poinr peu

(insinuation of flawed design)

'l'hc Procter & Pringles (:hij,s weren't perfectly stacked in I 24 days* NoneGamble Co. chips cylinder; only thing in the world

consumer could count on has lethim down

Ralston Purina (;. oat Bran Options Extreme flatulence experienced I 8 days Consoling letter from company nutrition specialist; offer to an-airer eating product; resulting alyze contents ofsuspect cereal box; coupons for four free boxesembarrassment otan)' Ralston cereal

Sara Lee Bakery Sara Lee pound Cake feU apart at touch ofknifc; lo (lays Letter from consumer-services department hypothesizing thatcake dinner party absolutely ruined extreme temperature changes caused prI)lem and asking where

product was purchased; coupons for one free pound cake and 25cents off any other Sara Lee purchase; recipe flier promocinSara Lee bagels

Van Camp Seafood Chicken ofthc Sea Grayish mass in middle ofcan(hint 17 (lays Lt'ss-tluan-reassuring lette'r suggesting grayness was mayCo., Inc. tuna that consumer's schizophrenic caused by small piece oflish skin; coupons for two free' cans

disorder was aggravated by this)

-

*And councan-

AUGUST 1990 SPY 33

:j.j.j 4:

ERROLLY

HE Roiisj I m not a man

A i. o N G : S i s easily surprised,

NEW GUY hut even I wastaken aback

A T when Pantheon,

P A N T H E O Na stercotypi-

- - catEy bookishbackwater of left-

ist, Bob Bernstcinesque propriety,became this years theater of power strug-gle within the Newhouse empire. I wasbemused again when the Pantheon hoo-ha - begun when Si Newhouse decided toscale back the unprofitable imprintcu-maxed with the appointment of my oldfriend Errol! McDonald, a New Yorknightlife fixtLLre, as executive editor of thefoundering house. The post had beenvacated by André Schiffrin, Pantlìeonsbeloved avatar, after Newbouse ordered thecutbacks. The ensuing exodus olsanctimo-nious Pantheon workers coincided withMcDonald's Neu York Times Op-Ed piece,"At Pantheon Books, A Welfare Mentali-ty,' in which he asserted that Pantheonstroubles owed themselves to the incompe-tence and arrogance of Schiffrin and hiseditors.

One would assume from such a tackthat McDonald is a model of fiscal pro-bity. Uh . . . no. His track record suggestsan editor of not insubstantial talents butOne with few bottom-line successes.Indeed, he is responsible for one of Ran-dom Houses more colorful and expensiveblunders oldie 1980s.

McDonald had apparently run intoKlaus Kinski at a pary and, George Wei-denfelcistyle, signed him up on the spotwich a $250,000 advance to write his auto-biography. When the erratic Germanactor's manuscript failed to materialize,McDonald selflessly (kw to Rome, wherehe stayed on while Kinski wheedled somemore time out of him. Returning to NewYork with a putatively finished manu-script, McDonald sprang into action,

34 SPY AUGUST 1990

,Th

taj'Ern,// Sì

bypassing Random's legal and research qualitiesa talent for developing a stabledepartments. Only when a publicist won- of writers of international importancedered aloud about the book's libel poten- (Nobel Prize winner Wole Soyinka, Chine-tial- Kinski's All I Need is Love: A Memoir British novelist Timothy Mo) and a culti-was perhaps the only autobiography oí the yaced distaste for prosaic responsibiliiesyear to describe 162 sexual encounters, and for the bottom linefor whichwith names and olfactory details Schiff'rin'sPantlieonhadbeentakentotaskincludeddid McDonald's boss, Joni by Newhouseand by McDonald himself.Evans, discover that he had ignored the Despite the Kinski imbroglio, Evansstandard, tedious routing procedures. cherishes McDonald as an oasis oí bop-Evans ordered a team of lawyers, who until-you-drop hip in a desert of dweeb-vetted the book Lintil the last possible ishness, and McDonald has tried to ensureminute. The story would end there, except that Evans see him this way. A weekthat a German publishing firm infbrmed before her arrival from Simon & Schuster,Random House that it had already pub- he junked his office's undergraduate-chit-lished portions of Kinski's manuscript. ter motif in favor oldiffused lighting andEvans, by this time apoplectic, stopped an abstract painting.shipping the book to stores after the origi- In and out of the office, McDonald

na! lO,000-copy printing. engages in almost nonstop rebel-with-a-Such a debacle might cripple another cause posturing. He is rarely without a

career, hut McDonalds picaresque adven- cigarette and occasionally swigs from atureshe was out gamboling with his bottle ofJack Daniel's he keeps in hisauthor Jack Henry Abbott the night oce. lie spent much of RandomAbbott murdered a young waiterserve House's recent Laguna Niguel sales con-only to propel him upward, from ference noisily denouncing New-subsidiary-righs salesman at Ran- 'The world house to anyone who would listen.dom in 1977, to junior editor, to "The world and all the womenand oil the. . .

executive editor of Vintage Books in it, goes the company saying,and now to the exalted steward- women in it," "are McDonald's oyster." When

shipolPantheon. McDonald arrived late at Ran-Preternaturally energetic at goes the dom House's 1988 Christmas

nigh, McDonald fairly glides party and surveyed a mob ofthrough the Random House company female editorial assistants fromoffices during the day. He tends to saying, "ore atop a staircase, he inquired of aignore workaday American writers pal in his best droit du seigneurand has been known practically to McDonald's style, Which onedoyoii want?

break off communication with te « McDonald flew off to London0Y5 r

authors once their manuscripts are after getting the job at Pantheon,turned inthat includes sparing them and despite the cost cutting that hasthe bother of approving jacket copy. (He eighty-sixed even free milk at the officeforgot, for instance, to credit the transla- coffee machine, he had his stereo flowntor oí the Kinski opus.) His cavalier over from New York to his hotel inregard for deadlines is such that the London. It seems that what is needed atrefrain "Oh, thats an Errol! book" has Pantheon is a healthy dose of nose-to-become a Random House euphemism for the-grindstone attentiveness, but I'm ¡

Don't colini on that baby's coming in on time. afraid poor Errol!s nose may not be upIn short, McDonald exhibits precisely the to the task. -ThdStiles

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n

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SAG4f\'V

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The matching magic is back

Retrn'ì,t trgeIy#(aÇlofunlikely look-alikes in this spanking

newoIIection of over 250 pairs and,

tripIsiiere at last, more of a very'

good thing, only new and improved.'

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"S' .nIITI*I

FLAHERY Witt GET You TEN PAGES . . . MAYBEThe Tina BrownMike Ovitz Correspondence

Ie public has an unslakabk thirst for boring stories aboutHollywood celebrities. Hollywood celebrities are aware of this.And so, certain glossy magazineswhich pride themselves onofFering chummy, pointlessly inside accounts of life as it is livedby the stars (journalist has lunch with star,journalist goes shopping with star, journalistwipes star's nose after a teary confession, theybond) - have found themselves over a barrel:in order to win the stars' necessary coopera- .

tion, the magazines have been obliged tocede editorial control to the very people onwhom they are supposed to be reporting.Actors and actresses and other famous '#-people - untrained people who may not have gone to journalismschool or even worked for their school newspapers! get tochoose the writers who will attend to their musings, the photog-raphers who will immortalize their features, and even, moremore often, the musings and photos that eventually see print.

As appalling as this is, it is no secret. But the process itself

11n fact, around this time writer December 19, 1988Nancy Collins was co have inter-viewed Ovitz for an unconsummacedproÑe in Neu York. Ovita, notori-ously secretive. has never grantedthe sort of in-depth interview Dear Mike:Brown begs him for in this letter.

2R upen M u rdoch 's Prewicrc corn-petes with Vani:) Fair, ofcourse, andBrowns husband, Harry Evans, wasfamously sacked as the editor of theLondon Times by Murdoch.

3Ovitz had recently hired New Yorkpublicist Howard J. Rubinstein toimprove CAA's press and give it ahigher profile on Wall Street, theultimate source of 5eriQiJ Hollywood

money and power.

4"Packaging," a common televisionpractice that CAA pioneered for themovies, involves putting together afilms creative teamstars, writer,directorfrom one's roster of clientsand then selling the encire "package,"in all-or-nothing form, to a studio.Brown's choice of words in expressingdistaste for the term is highly cvoca-cive: cracs and especially douinmarkezare buzzwords that Brown falls backon (synonyms, frcuencLy, forpoor,fa:,IrnaItralitY or too ethnic) when dismiss-ing article ideas, people, restaurantsand the like. A sample usage: "Killthe Oprah profileshe's lust toodou',rnìarket."

S6SPYAUGUST 1990

normally takes place away from public viewa private affairbetween editor and star and star's publicist; we see only the HerbRitts or Annie Liebovitz dramatization. Recently, however, a doc-ument came into our possession that sheds light on these happy,

ecooperative

doings in the world of journal-ismcumpublic relations.

The document is a letter from Vanity Fair's

editor in chief, Tina Brown, to Mike Ovitz,

»

founder and president of the immensely suc-.. ,

cessful Creative Artists Agencya man Ire-quently called, by sri' and others, the most

. powerful in Hollywood (due to both theo .

,- incredible breadth of talent his agency repte-

sents and his eagerness to throw his weight around). WhileBrown doesnt entirely give away her franchise here, she doesdemonstrate some of the lengths to which even a powerftil andrelatively serious journalist will go to get her story. (The letter isunedited. Any unusual syntax, punctuation or spelling isBrown's own.)

I was surprised to hear from a friend who works there that you

are on the point of"breaking your silence to the press in

Premiere," probably to Nancy Collins.1 I felt sure this could not

be true, since it would be rather like Marion Brando choosing

'. Falcon Crest" as a vehicle for a comeback.2 I hope that is not

Mr. Rubenstein's advice.3 hit is, you should fire him.

However, on the basis that the above is not true, then I

thought I should lay out a little more clearly what Vanity Fair

would do ifyou decided the time was right tocooperate with

a major profile.As I see it, the world has a very limited and unsophisticated

grasp of what an "agent" does, particularly when that agent is

you. Right now, the most hackneyed prevailing Perception oíyou is as a "packager," a term which has a connotation of

crassness that has little to do with what you actually achieve

on a daily basis.4 It seems to me that a better term for your

role in the life of Hollywood would be a catalyst: activating

creativity by a gifted sense of talent, material, timing and

taste, plus, ofcourse, extraordinary business acumen inputting it all together,5 Probably no one since Thalberg has

seeded so many creative partnerships or brought so many

movies to the screen.6

In addition to what you personally achieve, you have, in a

5Brown's flattery of Ovitz is welltakento the extent one can arguethat agents have become the auteursof modern Hollywood; whether thishas lcd to better movies is anotherquestion. Brown is more unques-tionably on target about Ovitz's"extraordinary business acumen":besides the multiple 10 percentsCAA collects from irs clientssalaries on a packaged film, theagency is said occasionally to extractwhat one person familiar wich theprocess delicately calls "side agree.menes" or "consulting fees"extramoneys paid by a fi Im 's producers toCAA for, in essence, delivering theproject in the first place. This is thesort of thing that in another era theantitrust division of the JusticeDepartment might have sued tostop. CAA also pioneered the prac-tice of forcing movie studios to givestars their own development deals,which rarely result in finishedmovies but enable an agency to col-lect commissions from actors whowould otherwise be idle.

6irving Thalberg is perhaps the os/ygenuinely liked studio executive inHollywood history. Having served asMGMs head of production between1921 and his death in [936, hebrought to the screen such films asGreed, Grand ¡foie!, A Nigh: a: the

Opera and The Thin Man. Some ofthe films Ovita is generally creditedwith bringing to the screen areGbostbusterj, Legal Eagleí, GM:busters

¡1 and Rain Man.

k 1'

Ñ__

lBrown ernplos a generous verb very short number of years. crcatecl a consummate CAA 10Brown erroneously rc(ers co a¡n5pzrcd to describe Ovitis man-agerial techniques, which have pro- culture. In an entirely ego drivcn business, you have inspired party Vanity ¡:ji,r sI)onsor((1 nor it

Gett' MUSCUJÌ n Malibu butduced a rcginwnced, íear-drivcn cur- de people who vork for voit mU) irtiig the agency and the the Museum ot Contrnporaryporate CLIItUR and have beco %%'ClI

chronicled in tI)CSC pages. P(rha1)s liciits needs before their own comIxrIrive egos.7 This, inA rt n downtown Los Angeles -

first of the maazines splashyth most famous expression ()t (AA ptrt, ¿.i ves CA A i ts un kiLle spcd, efficiency and espri t dc brays into I lollywood society.culturc is Ovitzs alkgtd tlìrc;u tode(ccting srrcnvriter Jot Eszrcrhas C()1f)S aixi IS, tnci(I(ntally, t}W source of all the jealousy thatlast year that my tint soldiers who seeks to discredit ir. The aura of leadership you give out.go UJ)

;in(I (I)\t 'ilshirc BoulevardCa(I) (liv vill blow your brains our." discomforts rivals vI1() like to think tha all it is is showbiz.

These are SOttiC of the reasons we want co do a memorable

l)ieCe in Vanity Fair that will become the defintivc rckrcncc

of other journalists as vell as readers.

To dramatize the CAA story successfully. we would of course

need very good access to you and the people who work with

YOU. \We would also need you to green light your frieixls andBA reference ro A ro e G I i meier.Owner of the Pace Gallery in New clients to cooperate in a way chat would not be perfuntory.

i i \vj th t he 0bvous exce un o

13,h ColtcelI. Jesse Koriìbluth is

York. l-k is Ovirzs art dealer and Which brings me to my tnal Point. Arnie8 and I discussed perhaps tlie...n,osí agreeable (lt allfriend and served as an arr-sorkl (1)11-

sultant on ¡.aI Eag/o, tor whu.h he the notion that I might write this profile myself, somethingFair rcuIars; ir the time of

Browns writing, lic liid recentlyreceived an a.ssociate-pr(xlucer credit; that is very hard for mc to cIo. Although some of the research exted t rc(lulous prhls of

Brown is apparently using (jitnicheras a go-Ixiween with Ovitz. (L (crc's a couIc! be done in New York City, to undertake such cXtCflSi\'C

Sigotirncy \Veaver .ind Jodle lostcr..111(1 iI the wry issue then on tilt

111cc hit of networking: Brown knowsrcportin and research, run a staffof42 and dream up an 80- stands Kornbluth had a stor> lii

C; i flic Iie t t h roug h I i r t ra ry agen t Ovltzs g(x)d friend and clkrit lirryMorton Janklow, with vlion she is píLC magazine every month, an enormous roll on my Levinson. director of Rai,, %Ian (afriends thanks largely ro Jatiklows other major obsession. my 3 year old son. He starts a new CAA akagt>. Also, Kornbluth is

daughter, Angela. Wi)Om - despite Ii i insell a screenwriter - his firther Ia&k olappraisable editorial rai- school in Jarniary and needs me co be with him. Its literally produced work is a docudrama oneilt - Brown had l)resclentlY hired inj-ssible for me to come to Los Angeles for the two weeks Leona and Harr Htlmsk, to airas an editorial assistant three years this ítl1 un Abc: - iiid is thus. asbefore Wri t i ng t his letter.) Si ncc reporting i believe is necessary, tinti I Vanity Fai r co-hosts the Brown noies ... knowledgeably wellLcgal Eag/cs. Glimchcr has becone a

Man Ray Exlì bit wi t h the Getty in MahO disposed tiiward (AA. Indeed. thislull-fledged film PrtiLlcer (most musc he someti)inL of a under.notably nl Cori//ai ta :h ¡Uni - So vhar I '

I I i ke to suggest is chat you t h i n k aga i ii aboti t stitenient . isen rilar Kornblurh is

which was fe;it tired i n hni:) Fair's

October 1988 isSue). with Ovitzs Jesse Kornblutli coming out in January to do chis piece alongaware t he agency coot rois t he i ioflS

chart of important motion pictureencouragement and help. lu titis he the lines l've laid out, knowing that I would be watching OVCt talent.,,Jay serve as somethit)g of a rulemodel for Brown (see below). it inI.I shaping it every step of the way. Jesse not only has th

sri t i ng talent to do this piece, he is sophisticated, interestedU)cl knowledgeably well disposed toward CAA. I Ic.- is also a

l)CrSn of the highest integrity.1 i

The alternative ofwaiting for me seems. frankly, ill advised.

You are right to feel this is the moment to do sonictiting and a

9lntriguingiy. Brown Jasscs up the ten page V1 profile would have phenonenat impact. Our l2More specificaii', univ 33 ixrentchance to point out that during her 700,000 readers include everyone who COUOtS in your business of VanitY I:ur readers have graduar-four and a half years (at tiìe time) uí ed froni college (aiìiither 34.4 per-editing the magazine, she had plus the opinion formers across the board. \Ve're a cent (litiOt CVCU attend one). anddeemed only three tither subjects demographic phenomenon.'2 In the last two months, tlìe their median hoUselo)ld income is

worthy of her byline. Perhaps this is a nut rei I I s'-al 1 - t hat -upmarkctbecause one of tiieni was David following people have either written or told me they read VF $38.556 (figures are for 1989).

Puttnani. a nemesis of Osiris dur- cover to cover: Henry Kissinger, Brooke Astor, Sidney I.umet,ini; Puttoams tenure is chairman of

Columbia Pictures; the othcrs were Ben Iradlee, Don Simpson, John Le Carré, Mrs. Barnetsocialite Gayfryd Steinberg. who Ne'iiìati Louis i"i4allc. Calvin Klein, Phi lip Johnson. Davidsubsequentl' befriended Brown. iiid

Princess Diana, who didnt. Gellen, Mike 'X'allace, clic U.S. Ambassador to Manilla,

AUGUST I99OSPY s'

i

3Its no cwncidencc that thesc peu-jk rcitI ht- magazine. il not covertO tUVCI, at least avidly. Out ot th:impressive gaggle of I 7 namesBrown drops. all but the two reL-rive nobodies, Mrs. Barnet Newmtiiand the ambassador to the Phil-.pIins (Nicholas Plau) have beenspotlighted, for the most part tla-teringly. in her inaazine. in addi-tian. Lumc. Malle. Kktn. Mus-bachcr and Trump hav had theirwives a,id/or children fca(Ltred (inAugusc 1986 the maai.ine ran alJarh review of a novel by SaltyQii iIJfl. who is married (C) Bcnflr.,Llkv). Ics also no coincidence ihaiBro'n is in a I,osition to speak withthese PJ0Pl( on the subject iji theirIcisure-time reading. As readers nl¡%lirabd/a wilt rcmeml,er. ir was LiSm ii h who advised the Bn rish-bi imBrown chat il SIW wanted tu succeedsiicilly and professionally in Amen-ca. he would have to make nkç withthe owers that be in the (ifher magazine. which she has tendedti) (IO. And which is, o1 course. thesubtcxc of this letter.

There are actually two ambitionsat llay hiere. Brown lias made noscerec of her boredon) with masa-Lilie editing. and colleatics are cou-viuicd of her desire to produce titrns

Robert Mosbachcr and Donald Trump. In ísct, everyone from

Arafat to Bernie J3riIIsrein!3

I don't chink any other publication today can offer such a

readership, least ofafi a ftn ma like Premiere)4

Can we discuss this the the strains ofauld lang

sync have laded'15

Best,

Tina Brown

(her lather. in fact. vas a ¡rodtitr ofBritish B-movies). Nt only is shslawning over ami important. news-worthy sul)ject for Ix-r ma.izimie. hutOvitz rerest-nts a poteni ial entréelof her into thic movie business. Asfor him. despite his ¡'tiw-r in holly-WJHJ(l lie has. by iiuuiy ac. ou ni s,grown bored with the inherentlyundistinguished role of agent; 1w iss.mid co aspire to a more crc.it uve.niort- cuiwt-nt ionally respeL ted rulein che blm community - producer or.tudio head. \'('ith her canny ¡;m'.iIi

to his creai ivity." gufced sense III

talent and t.iste-. pitis the compar-ison to Thalbcr. tirown 1Lis copriwiy these lonins.

4\Vhat could t,t nuire lownnar-ket than a fan m.it In lact. I1Yi'?IjtYt

counts among uts ri-aihers a largerfract ion ol N<)Ph1 SJ.'hl(I attended col-

lt-ge Ifl(l more uiiemnbers of tlw l)fl»

tessional/managenial C lass bau (lOes

'%/-il1!!) I.ar accor(hlng ((I iknu igraph-is ligures for I 9x9.

15Brovn means alter che New Ye.ur.As it happened. Ovita didni agreeto the Prohie - a surprising, e'cnadmirahk act of lorhearamice giventhat Brown had lnne c'erythingshorm of signing an iron had contract

to guarantee ihm. profile would havebeen an coclual piece of ptiffcry(Not long aller Brown wrote Ovitz.he sas the subject of largely positivestories in 1)0th Inar and Tb. NiaYora Ti,,ie; /Ifag,z:,:c hut gave bothpublications only the most cursorycooperation.)

Regardless, Brown and Ovita have

dcvclnped a warmly symbiotic mela-tionship since tisis letter was writ-ten. For starters. 5(Vefl CAA clientsvcre on the Covers uf l989s i 2 Van-

¿1)Fairs - not diat there is anything

sinister in chis. jLlSt that it showshow much the magazine has to offer

even the most powerful man in I loi-lywood. More unusual is Brownsrecent hahn ol sending Ovita copiesof entcrtainment-relatd storiesbefore pubtkation so that. we mayfairly assume, lic an draw herattention to any material he findsinconvenient. Meanwhile. he hasthrown her a SCt(5 ol intimate din-ner parties ic-ac tiring mporiantHollywood xrsntgvs. and in Cul-'c-n City this past spring lie helpeddeliver a star-scudded crowd ro th-Vanity Fa:msponsored bc-nc-fit forPhoenix houseall of which hasclone much to hnst the Los Angek-sprofiles of buch VflUty ¡air and itssavvy editor.

. ... .

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8 SPY At:GUST 1990

el a r

"I read the first sentence ofthis book, threw up my handsand then stayed up oil night tofinish." - Liz (ill Thoiiias Har-

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J ambeauxa novel by Laurence GonzalesIntroduction by Greil Marcus

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FAST CARS,

FAST WOMEN,SThe Further Ad-t. O Vi

Towne (Chinatown). Meanwhile, Towne starry-eyed spring-vacationing coeds andveilt/ires of Don was bickering with Scott. Theoretically, teased-haired locals would wander into the

PR O D U C E R S : and Jeriy: Cer- the director directs, the writer rewrites as gym, hoping ro catch a glimpse of Tom

n tainly no oneL, A Y S O F

requested, and the producers make sure Cruise working out. Instead, they werewould begrudge a everything runs smoothly. But on the set treated to the sight ofthe two middle-aged

Pi u N D E R movie producer of Thunder, Scott couldn't set up a shot producers sweating, straining, bulking up.his right to get without Simpson or Bruckheimer, or (Cruise exercised in a private gym at thelaid. Like all Simpson and Bruckheimer, or Simpson, house he was renting.)

young civilizations, Hollywood has an Bruckheimer and Towne, yammering and To further enhance their images asexaggerated reverence for its traditions, waving hands and generally meddling. So Lotharios, the self-proclaimed Boys ofand the endless quest for the appeasement as the weeks ground on there seemed to Thunder threw a "Welcome to Daytona"of sexual appetites is chief among these. be four directors arguing with one anoth- party at The Coliseum, a plush (for Day-Nevertheless, even an aging peer like Lew er, the cameras didn't roll, and the crew, cona) club. Word was passed among theWasserman might ask whether Don Simp- which was getting paid for 20-hour days, almost entirely male cast and crew that itson and Jerry Bruckheimer have taken racked up a vast amount of overtime. would be a good idea to leave any wives atdevotion to ancient practice too far. Many crew members said they made so the hotel. Most expected a beery feast, but

The pair is unrelentingly successfùl, and much money that they could afford to the food was minimal. When crew rnem-

Hollywood being Hollywood, they are not take 1 6 weeks of vacation when the 61m bers asked their bosses where the band was,shy about using their box office prowess to finally wrapped at the end of May. one of them replied, This party's not abwitget (a) chicks and (b) more "creatively Robert Towne is a talented screenwriter. rniisic-it'saboatpiwy! Girls, man! Girls!

involved" in their films, most recently Days He has also directed two pictures, Personal More specifically, it was about dozens

ofThnnder. The 61m was originally supposed Best and Teqidla Sunrise. While he was on of apparently seasoned partygoers whoto wrap on February 28. That date was location in North Carolina for Days of were brought in for the occasion. Thesechanged to March 6, then April 2 1 , finally Thunder a large barn was built for use in women had little interest in the gaffersbecoming, through the beginning of the several scenes. Towne didn't like and best boys; they concentratedsummer, a large question mark. After the the barn; the barn wasn't used. Hoping to see t1eir attentions on guests in theschedule was revised three times in one day, When shooting shifted to Day-

kspecial VIP area that Simpson

ruise wor 1fl9the unit production manager the person tona, another barn was constructed and Bruckheimer had cordonedresponsible for keeping track ofParamount's according to exacting out, coeds off. A miniskirted crowd spon-money on the setconfronted the produc- specifications. All the barn scenes taneously mobbed Tom Cruise,ers and was told simply to su' the schedule. were subsequently scrapped. were treated and che producers were only tooThe original $35 million budget reportedly But even as Simpson and .

d happy ro scoop up the leftovers.' S ea o o

doubled, meaning the picture will have to Bruckheimer ceaselessly advised (Many of che guests were shockedearn an all-hut-phenomenal $100 million their director, their days in Day- sweating to learn that Cruise has a mole injust co break even. tona were not all drudgery. Some- one ear.) So successful was the

The studio systemnow, there was an one on the set was blunt about it: middle-aged romp with the expensivelyinstitution to revere. Labor was divided "Their main concern is getting

dfriendly women that the Boys of

po ucersefficiently; people did as they were told; laid.' To that end, a private gym Thunder planned a similarly les-product flowed in a predictable fashion. was built in an empty storefront on the cive wrap party, which would includeBut today everybody's a star and a pro- ground floor of the Marriott hotel in local talent as well as outsiders. But theducer and a writer and a directormost- which the pajr was staying. The produc- democracy was not total: yes, locally a director. One reason for the budget ers ordered that a discreet, hand-lettered women would be invited to the door, buthemorrhage on Dayi ofThunder was the sign reading DAYS OF THUNDER be only a fortunate few would actually beproducers' constant bickering with the replaced with an eight-foot-long neon granted admission.director, Tony Scott (Top Gun, Beverly sign that could be seen from the beach. See you Monday night at Mottons.Hills Cop Il), and the screenwriter, Robert This substitution had the desired effect: Celia Brady

40 SPY AUGUST 1990

September 1988LIFE-STYLE HELL! OUR SPEUAI.Los ANGELES ISSUE

"The sex, che spandex, the pastels,the car phones, the irony shortageand the general uncensored dude-osity that make Los Angeles ashrine to vapid fun.

Dcomber 1988SEVENTIES-SOMETHING

A return to the decade ofthe moodrings, ultrasuede, sideburns anddisco sex-machine Tony Orlando.'

January/February 1989MR. SmPio GoEs WAsHINGmN"America's ten dopiest law-makersall those in favor, saydub.

March 1989ISN'T IT IRONI('

How everything in the worldturned 1unnyfromJoe Franklin(O Joey Heatherton, Twister toTwinkies and Hawaiian shirts toHawaii Five-O.

April 1989CEI.usRln' GARBAGE

"Coffee grounds of the rich and in-teroffice memos of the famousascientific, sanitary and not at allunseemly SPY investigation.

May 1989IVANA RAMA!

You know her as an Olympic skier,fashion leader, licensed interiordesigner, hotel executive and wifeto a certain billionaire casino oper-ator from Queens. But of course,ther&s more. With Ivana, thcr&sa/ways more.

June 1989LETS MAKE A DEAl. WITHTHE DEVIL!

"Ed Koch did it. Time Inc. did it.Barbara Walters did it. A s1y auditof Faustian bargains, Mephi-stophelian transactions and thecurrent bull market for sellingones soul.

July1989SUMMER FUN Isstii:!

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"A really, really long article aboutWilliam F. BuckleyJr.! Ugly Euro- '

peans! How to make Twinkies!"

August1989Wito WAS Wiio'How time travel could reallywork. Awful moviemaking withDinoDeLaurentiis. Plus, the super-salacious pullout index to The Andy

Warhol Diaries!"

September 1989Viit.i IL)KY1S ., -.

'Smart girls in chainsthe shameof The New Yorker! Conjugal net-

working in Hollywood.

te?For bcck issues of SPY, send $&OO per copy to SPY,

The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West, New York, N.Y. 10003.

October 1989THE SPY 100

"Our annual census of the 100 most

annoying, alarming and appallingpeople, places and things.

November 1989Wiiu AND CRAZY VI.P.s'

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"The most hated man in fashion.1 SPY's guide to year-end bribery."

January 1990BUILDING A BEvrIR CELEBRITY

"SPYs nationwide, statisticallyvalid poi1 reveals what Americawants from its celebrities! Plus, theOvitz-Eszterhas letters."

THE FoLi.owlp« BACK ISSUES ARE AVAILABLE

19R7- March, April, September,October and November only

1988 All Issues

1989 AlI Issues

1990 AIl Issues

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AUGUST 1990 SPY 41

. Dv.. a4

Pinch Punch Max

here appeared in the now a front-page storya New York Ambacïs story was written by one of th

April 25 edition of The Timesfront-page storywithin a matter of paper's more celebrated recruits, Ales.Wa.rhizgton Square Neu's, hours, New University's press office sandra Stanley. A standout at Tinie'sa newspaper put out by was besieged by calls from editors, TV- Washington bureau, she was hired by thethe students of New show bookers and reporters, all eager co get Times to produce the same sort of comedy-

York University, a page- in touch with the prodigy, allusions to a of-manners features that her good friendtwo story that began like this: "While real-life Doogie Howser, M.D., swimming Maureen Dowd used to write beforemost 12-year-old boys are thinking of in their heads. Before long, Balamurati's becoming a White House correspondent.

video games and skateboards, Balamurati story or Balamurati himself had appeared In order to parade Stanleys manifest tal.Krishna Ambati is thinking ofhis applica- or was due to appear on dozens of radio ents, the editors did something they hadtion process for medical school." The arti- and TV stations from Denver to Peoria; done with previous young stars: iheycte. written by Maryam E. Zadeb, told ofa on the ABC Radio Network, the BBC took one of her first stories (the feature12-year-old boy named Balamurati Krish- and a German television network; on on Balamurati) andjust for the hekofna Ambati who was the youngest student CNN's Sonya Live, Live With Regis & itgave it generous play on the frontever to attend NYU (he will be a senior Kathie Lee, Thejoan Rivers Show, Sallyjessy page, thereby goosing all the editors andthis year) and who hopes to become the Raphael, Good Day New York, Good Morn- reporters in the city who slavishly look royoungest person ever to graduate from ing America and NBC'S Today; in numer- che Times for their guidance. Like othermedical school. ous newspapers, including The Denver Post new Times reporters thus honored, Stanley

Two weeks later in The New York Ti,,ies, and The Houiton Chronicle, the British was subsequently presented with a bluethe daily newspaper put out by the tabloid Today and News India; inNewsu'eek, box containing the printer's plate of thatSulzberger family, a front-page story Parade, People and Wo?lIanc World; day's front page.began like this: "At age 12, Balamurati and on the Associated Press and Stley was It was a nice gesture. And inKrishna Ambati prefers heuristic algo- Reuters news wires. He was piio-

hired to many instances it's the last suchrithms to Nintendo and enjoys chess, cographed by Gamma-Liaison (the gesture a Times reporter expert-basketball, and research on Green-Hydra- photo agency) and approached by produce the ences. Things look even grimmerGreen Algae Symbiosis.' a talent agent. in the days ahead. One reporter

That very same morning, all over New What none of the news proles- comedy-or- who wanted to travel for a fewYork, senior editors at the newswecklies, sionals who contacted Balamurati days outside New York was toldbureau chiefs from other big-city dailies, could possibly have known is that manners he would have to think up severalwire-service reporters and assignment edi- the reason his story appeared on more stories to report and writetors at local and national news broadcasts the front page of the Times- order to amortize the travelopened their copies of the Times in order rather than on, say, B6had expenses. The specter of Pinch

Maureen Dowdto find out what news to covernot what

. . .

almost nothing to do with its Sulzberger, the damp, anxiousnews was worthy of coverage, mind you, news value, and everything to do used to writc publisher-to-be, is cause for fur-but what news the Times had deemed wor- with a quaint Times custom. cher alarm. He is ostentatiouslythy of coverage. Most news executives Newly hired reporters are often brought frugal, bragging that he has no car,reading the paper that morning had long into New York, where they are worked to taking a bus to work from his Uppersince abandoned the idea of exercising the bone prior to being sent out into the West Side apartment, even making atheir own news judgment, following years field. The thinking is that this initiation show out of using public transportationand perhaps decades of being reprimand- will give the paper's editors a chance to to the airport. Young Pinch has also been

ed by their superiors for not having their see up close how recruits take to the heard saying that country houses are anews lineups correspond almost precisely grind, and for particularly high-profile waste of money - neglecting to men-to the one determined by the editors of hires, it gives the paper the opportunity tion, ofcourse, that he has use ofthe vastthe paperofrecord. to show offits new acquisitions. Sulzberger family estate in Fairfield

And so, because Balamuratis story was The Times version of Balamurati Krishna County. -J.]. Hiensecker

42 SPY AUGUST 1990

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You hear it everywhere you gowhining, compipity is gripping America, and nobody seems to ni

the flag on all this unsportsmanlike conduct an

A CELEBRATION OF AMERICA'S GREATEST SORE LOSERS-INCLUDING RICHARD NIXON, SPIKE U

ime was when people were brought up to be good losers. The defeated Little League team was required

to give che winners a cheer. The first runner-up in the Miss America pageant was supposed to embrace

the winner the moment she won. Guys with low draft numbers shouldered their M16s, smoked dope and

slogged off into the jungle without griping about their luckier peers with the high numbers, who got to stay home and

smoke dope in comfort. Being a good loser was part ofbeing a good American, especially back when America invariably

won. Ç Sure, there were always dissenters. Leo Durocher, Vince Lombardi and oldJoe Kennedy were part oían out-

spoken group who said a mere good effort wasnr good enough. In the 1980s this ferocious ethic took over, but all the

keener, meaner competition couldn't change the hard fact that in most contests only one contender can win. Amen-

cans have adjusted to this in various ways. Second-rate prizes have proliferated, athletic playoff formats have expanded,

and, most conspicuous, people have turned into chronic Sore Losers. Ç But because being a Sore Loser has suddenly

become so commonplace (think ofhow much ofofficial U.S. policy in recent years has been predicated on this premise,

from funding the contras to protectionist trade proposals), it's not as easy as it once was for an ag-

grieved party to impress the world with the acuteness ofhis disappointment. Not long ago the loss

ofone's dignity in a display ofemotiona Nixonian rage a Marion Braridoesque tantrum, a Nor-man Mailerclass roundhousewas sufficient to show how bitterly one resented one's defeat. Though

these behaviors are part of the basic repertoire of the journeyman Sore Loser to really distinguish

himself the Sore Loser needs panache. And now that prominent people are devoting substantial

thought and planning to their special displays ofSore Losing, we are obliged to devote some analysis

to it. So here at SPY a magazine whose ediiorial andgraphic style is regularly, albeit lamely, copied by other

publications here andabroad, a magazine that in a single issue bas more ideas andcleverness than a yearc worth

ofany othe and a magazine thatfor three years running has been shut out ofthe National Magazine Awards

(not that we care, and besides, the Rolling Stones never won a Grammyfor Record ofthe Year and Cary Grant

never won a Best Actor Oscar)we have identified the six most popular modes of Sore Loserhood.

44 sPY AUGUS1 1990

CAN1 GRIN,CANT BEAR IT

Kirklemdand Weaver

iuse' as ihey lost 1987

ana' 88 Osiars

A

ining, crying foul. An

nd. Joseph Malgarini

present

epidemic of aggressive self-and Kate McDowell throw

n

SEAS YOUNG, SEVERAL DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, AMERICA ITSELF AND, INEVITABLY, DONALD i. TRUMP

.-I_

w v i

SORI.LOS(R HANGOUTS

The Lecture circuit

Mee: the Preis

The Neu York Review fl3oohs

letters column

Cindy Adamss column

lhe John E Kennedy Schoolof Government

Saddle River, New JrsyShea Stadium

SORE.LOSER ARCHETYPES

Yahweh

Richard III

Napoleon

Germany

Woody HayesYosemite Sam

FICTIONAL SORE LOSERS

l-f aIfl l&t

Werther

J asno Compsonibm Buchanan

Glenn Closei n Fatal Anracilois

Freddy Krueger

T H E P H Y S I C A I. S O R I L O S E R The Physical Sore Loser is a man orwoman of movement. Sometimes the movement is subtle, even unremarkable: though they areprofessional actresses, neither Sigourney Weaver nor Sally Kirkland was abk to suppress agrimace of disappointment at the precise moment she heard that Oscar had passed her by(see illustrations on previous page). At other times the movement is direct and unpleasant: theCIA helped overthrow Chilean president Salvador Allende; the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan.

Physical Sore Losing has historical precedents (Henry Vills having his wives beheaded,for example, and Vincent van Gogh's indulging in an earecromy), but today's

Physical Sore Loser is usually less violent, although just as peevish.Consider Ohio State's Woody Hayes, who punched an unsuspecting

;%linebacker from Clemson University during the 1978 Gator

' Bowl. Or the feral John McEnroe. who has combined racket: heaving and ceaseless verbal tantrums (Answer my question.

jerk!. . . You cannot be serious!) to become one of the best-compensated barbarians in sport. Or casino owner BobStupak, a onetime candidate for mayor of Las Vegas whoon election night in 1987 displayed his unhappiness overhis defeat by rebuking and slapping one of the TVreporters who kept badgering him about his sobriety.(Wlwn a reporter noted that she could smell alcohol on

his breath, Stupak said, "You can smell anything you wantto, honcy' and then started swinging.)But more elegant approaches, involving an objet de p:es:,

are also available: a representative for rock star Daryl Hall onceexpressed his displeasure over a magazine profile by mailing th

writer a turd; Bill Cosby has responded similarly but more hygienically,sending the offender a tin cup (indicating that the unfavorable reviewer

was blind to his talent); the strikeout-prone galoot Dave Kingman once sent a sportswriter arat; and the actress Sean Young was sued byjames Woods for allegedly conveying her dismayabout Woods's decision to practice monogamy with a woman not named Sean Young byleaving a mutilated doll at his home. Young denied the charge.

AIJCIIJST 19905PY45

PERINNIAL SORE LOSERS

Richard Nixon

George SteinbrennerRichard Golub

Bob Dole

Do Schembechier

StingThe Democrats

Mary Decker Slaney

SORE-LOSER PASTIMES

Having your screen creditremoved

Writing' your "memoirs"

Rumor-mongeri ng

Litigating

Press-bashingWearing black

Planting items in Page Six

Checking gloves

Playing games under protest

SORE LOSIRS GREATEST HITS

"Its My Party by Lesley Gore"Run for Your Life by

the Beatles

"Positively 4th Street byBob Dylan

"Cry Me a River byJulie London

"Tiny Steps' by Elvis Costello"96 Tears by ? and the

Mysterians-'I Want to Be Around

by Tony Bennett"Ruby, Dont Take Your Loveto Town by Kenny Rogers

and The First Edition

"I Dont Like Mondays' by theBoomtown RatS

"L.A. CountÇ by Lyle Lovett

46 SPY AUGUST 1990

THE FREE-ASSOCIATING SORE LOSER Byusingacaptiveaudience to vent his spleen, the Free-Associating Sore Loser offers something akin toimprovisational theater, except no one suspects a performance will be delivered until itactually springs into being. In the midst of innocent circumstances - the presentation of anaward, an interview, a concerta strange, inappropriate tiradesurges up and out. "I am che originator, and you all gave menothin! [I ami the architect ofrock n' roll!" declared Little Richard

as he presented a Grammy in 1988. "Gossip columnists areprobably the lowest form of journalists. The latest one is old Lizin New York. . . a dumpy, fac, ugly broad replied Frank Sinatra .

from the concert stage in 1982 to a mild rebuke from Liz Smithin one ofher columns. "They deserve each otherone's a born liar, the other's convicted,'sneered thenYankees manager BillyMortin about the twin banes ofhis existence, Reggie Jacksonand George Steinbrenner, during an interview in 1978. "Have another doughnut, you fat pig!,'

NewJersey Devils coach Jim Schoenfeld shouted at referee Don Koharskiin 1988 after concluding that the official had missed some calls. Andwhen WNBC-TV writer and producer David Katz received an Emmy in

,P / 1988, he took time to describe sportscaster Len Berman as "a gutless. individual."

çy::j THE SELF-PROMOTING SORE LOSER The'

,-4__.5:;'.\Self-Promoting SoreLoser is one who is able to parlay a loss into a later

(. ) t victory. In 1988 Toni Morrison benefited when her admirers suggestedk' racist judging after she was not awarded the National Book Award for

I, i is-

\

Beloved; sure enough, four months later, she got a Pulitzer. Ted Forstmann/ f

the proselytizing financiei competed energetically with Kohlberg KravisRoberts to buy out RJR Nabisco, was about to fail and took to the Op-Ecpage of The Wall S:reetJournal with protests against leveraged buyouts.Canny fans of Sore Losing could have predicted in 1986 that Chersresponse after being denied a Best Actress nomination for Mask (takingthe stage at that year's Oscar ceremony in an ugly, in-your-face costume

"As*_____________ and dryly noting, you can see, I did receive my Academy booklet on- how to dress like a serious actress") would inspire the Academy to

capitulate and give her an award, as it did in 1988.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING SORE LOSERS SomeSoreLoserssimply refuse to die. Fifteen years after the fall of Saigon, Nguyen Van Thieu and Nguyen CaoKy have begun talking up their readiness to return to Vietnam to lead a revolution against theCommunists. Boxer Byun Jong Il of South Korea objected so strongly to a referee's decisionduring the 1988 Olympics that he just sat in the ring for more than an hour. Coach MikeWhite of the University of Illinois football team was so chagrined by his team's loss toNorthwestern, the school's far weaker rival, that he refused to relinquish thetrophy that traditionally goes to that game's victor. Less angrily but morestupidly, Phillies manager Danny Ozark in 1975 insisted that histeam was not mathematically eliminated from the pennantrace despite its being seven games back with six to play.Perhaps inspired by Ozark, Tommy Faye Bakker blithelychirped to reporters, "It's not over till it's over' afterher husband's conviction on 24 felony counts. She (

i7f"-did improve on Ozark's dumb stubbornness in " '

,one respect: the old skipper did not follow 'ZS - i

I

his ill-informed contention by warbling, ""On Christ,thesolid rock, Istand/Allotherground is sinking sand"

The Democratic Party is a strongholdfor die-hard Sore Losers, particularlythose whcive failed to win the party'spresidential nomination. EugeneMcCar-thywithheld his endorsement of Hubert

SORE LOURS WORDS TO LIVE 8V

Let's make it best of three.

Why dont the media focus onthe positive things?

The dream will never die.

It was a moral victory.

I sent the article to my lawyerto review it for libel.

We live in a commercialiracist/sexist/fascist society.lt was a succès d'estime.

I'm going to take some timeoff to write.

J dont want to use chemuscle pull as an excuse.

Everyone was doing it.

I'd like to see FrankRich/Pauline Kael/

Robert Christgau writea play/make a movie/

record an album ofthree-minute pop songs.This is what I get for refusing

to sell out.

Humphrey until just before the 1968 election; '1 ' '

Ted Kennedy made Jimmy Carter chase himall over the stage at the 1980 convention beforepermitting the president a wan handshake; andin both 1984 and 1988 Jesseiackson tormentedthe party's nominees (Walter Mondale andMichael Dukakis) before granting his support. \

A favorite tactic that occasionally has the re \\deeming aspect ofbeing justified is to point outa violation ofthe rules after the contest has beendecided. Thus Mark Green, defeated Demo-cracic opponent ofSenator Mfonse DAmato in Ç

1986, filed an official '

complaint alleging in-fluence peddling onDAmatcs part, and the Yankees that same year protested to theumpires that George Brett's homer should be disallowed because heused a pine-tarred bat, just as Ernesto Miranda in 1966 appealed to theSupreme Court to overturn his conviction for rape and kidnappingbecause he hadnt been informed of his rights, and just as the UnitedStates gripes thatJapan has too many barriers to its marketsall

legitimate arguments used to paper over the fact that the Sore Loser would have lost anyway.

These kids have worked sohard all yearand then they

have it ruined by thegoddamned officials.

FIVE GREAT MOMENTS INSOR E. LOS E R DOM

1. James Garfield'sassassination by a

disappointed office seeker

2. Richard Nixon's 1962gubernatorial campaign3. The Pine Tar Game

4.Johnny Fontane's beingdenied a role he covets in the

big picturejack Woltzis producing5. Vietnam

FUTURE SORE LOSERS

Peter Guber and Jon Peters

Dan QuayleAl Gore

Philadelphia Eagles quarterbackRandall Cunningham

Bono

Margaret Thatcher

Newt Gingrich

SORE WINNERS

George S. Patton

Marion Brando

Va nessa Redgrave

Mike Love

Donald TrumpEd Koch

-Joseph Ma/ga rini

THE GRANDSTANDING SORE LOSER GrandstandingSoreLoserstryto transform the personal setback into a cause. For example, when Donald Trump earlier this yearresisted his wife's attempt to gain a more lucrative divorce settlement, he cited an obligation todefend the principle of a contract. Richard Nixon - a veritable avatar of Sore Loserhood,a man who has acted in ways that fit each of these categories (getting rid of Archibald Coxand Elliot Richardson was Physical, saying "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore"was Free-Associating, and so on)tried to block Watergate investigations with appeals toexecutive privilege. Spike Lee suggested that sex, lies and videotape won the 1989 Cannes FilmFestival's Palme d'Or because the film's director was white, Lee said that ifhe ever saw Germandirector Wim Wenders, who chaired the Cannes jury, he would be «waiting for his ass'

THE LITERARY SORE LOSER ThemostnotablerecentexampleoftheLiterary Sore Loser is Jay Mclnemey, whose entertaining reply in Esquire to his critics got moreattention than the novel he published around the same time. There are, however, many membersofthis club. Donald Regan got back at Nancy Reagan, who had engineered his ouster, byrevealing in his memoirs that the former first couple were slaves of the zodiac. Purged CBSNews president Ed Joyce slagged his former associates in a blame-everybody-but-me memoirof how things went bad at Black Reck. And it seems Pete Hamill can't go three monthswithout writing something that attributes all that's wrong with New York, from crack toozone depletion, to Walter O'Malley's decision to move the Dodgers to Los Angeles.

One ofthe most popular forms ofLiterary Sore Losing is the epistolary methoda whiny,long-winded letter from a well-known correspondent is sure to make animpression. In 1988, Sore Loser Kinginthe [tIJ making Donald

Trump replied to a column by architecture critic Paul Goldbergerwith a letter. "The New. York Times should not have allowed PaulGoldberger whom i have criticized openly in my l book and elsewhereas being totally lacking in taste, to critique Donald Trump and Trump:The Ari ofihe Deal" was the missive's solemn open- ing. Sting, the self-serious rock star, proved himself more eloquent than Trump ina 1987 letter to The Village Voice. "If as you say LUI the average fascistscumbag wouldnt be in the least offended by my work, then how come it got up your nose sosuccessfully you dipshit fascist simpleton?. ..Your writing has all the hysteria and self-loathingofthe child molester, the sickening,rhetoricalviolenceofthe neo-Nazi.'And though BessMyersonvehemently denied harassing an ex-lover andhis girlfriend with anonymous letters ("Youshould be hearing from some of the girls you laid and screwed. . . . You will be punished inways you don't know;' one note read), police investigators concluded she was the perpetrator. i

AUGUST 1990 SPY 47

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fez'e;wged Taj Ma/ial Ca'sino: he .bau his ?Ict U orth daa/,n'd by 70 pne,,, i,, Forbes 'na'iazj,,': hcJ/,kf,d th idri uf cI/in,s ¿1 air/j,j andother assets 1?! IIhat he (/tiWCd ¡ea. m p;», Io h(O,1lea "/piç of.c/ : and he ih II/)je(1 ofrpa,,/a,i,i,, akg,i hi. a/)iIit) ¡o cr;.I'iCe

f/k' $ )'. 2 billie,i de/,i I/kr! is thc ba.c o//ijí rm/Jirt. :\viu thc iaga c"nti,n,tf:

M1 7 '"'r' . li. -

How Donald Trump Met a Looming Payment to His Bondholders

Amid a Swirl ofRumors About His Solvency

Weatheringthe Storm

By L. J. Davis

HE LOOKS COMPOSED NOW. RELAXED. NOT AT

all like a man who just three months ago danced

around the lip of a volcano of debt and lived to tell the

tale. He admits a reporter to his spacious Trump Tower

office with the same courtesy and eagerness that char-

acterized his interviews during the 1980's. Those were

the days when the media idolized him, before he began

replying to questions about his solvency with snarling

observat ions about reporters' "financial stupidity"

and the media's "jealousy of everybody whos richer or

L.iDavis is a frequent contributor to the Magazine.

more successful than them." Now he seems almost

gentle, not the sort of man who would call his father.

Fred, at 3:30 on the morning of the day a $47 million

payment to bondholders was due and plead with him

to increase the debt on his Queens real estate proper-

ties in order to help his son raise the last bit of cash to '

make the payment. "Goddamn it. Dad, you'll be a

nobody" Trump reportedlyscreamed into the phone.

"I'm smart, I'll survive, but what's Bob going to do?

Move back in with s'ou and Mom? Wash windshields at

the Lincoln Tunnel? Now. I'm sending over a lawyer

and a guy from First Jersey, Dad. And you've got to

sign the damn papers!",, I guess it was a pretty intense moment," chuckles

the 44-year.old developer and (Continued on Page 64)

r

bt

In-)b-

heto

veE.

REAL ESTATE &ti 7'7(o..

Sluggish Market Balks, Impeding jTrump Efforts to Attain

LiquidityBy NEIL BARSKY

S(affReportcrofTHp WALL STREET JOURNALDonald Trump has been working hardto sell off some of his assets; his onlyproblem is that nobody wants to buythem. Six months

after alerting poten-tial buyers that he would part with theTrump Shuttle and Trump Tower in orderto become "king of cash," and fivemonths after agreeing with banks totrim his empire, the author of The Art ofthe Deal has yet to divest himself of asingle holding.

Though Mr. Trump has often de-scribed his properties as "trophies, " heappears wIlling to part with them at aloss: published accounts say that Trumpoffered the Trump Shuttle, for which hepaid $365 million, to the Loews Corpora-

tion for $325 million. Neither Mr. Trumpnor any officers of Loews wouldcomment."It's a terrible time for Trump to be inthe marketplace to sell," says James F.Noonan, an analyst at Dean Witter Rey-nolds. "Everybody knows he's havingtrouble. They're going to squeeze himuntil he squeals. Do you think LLoewschairmanj Larry Tisch wants to do

Trump a favor?"Trump wants to be in cash so he can

buy bargain properties," Mr. Noonancontinues. " So does everybody else, ex-cept they want the bargain properties tobe Trump's."

With Mr. Trump's next S47 millionpayment to his casino bondholders only

Please Turn to Paq' B?, Column 3- - -NEW yORK, WEDNL

VOL.CXXXIX . . . . No.48,461 coyC'

TRUMP SHUTTLEHANGARSROCKE'

'

BY EXPLOSIONS;ENTIRE FLEETDESTROYED

"A Christmas Miracle"

Reported by Police:

No Injuries

By ROBERT D. MCFADDEN Jr.Special to The New York Times

A series of explosions wracked thehangars of the Trump Shuttle in NewYork, Washington and Boston yester-day morning. The explosions. whichwent off almost simultaneously ataround 8:15 on Christmas morning,ignited fires that burned out of controluntil early afternoon. No injurieswere reported.

The entire fleet of 21 727's, whichhad been grounded for the hobday.was destroyed.

Moments after the explosions, a col-umnist for the New York Post, CindyAdams, received an anonymous tele-

: phone call from a man identifyinghimself only as a member of "a topterrorist organizatIon in Asia," whoclaimed responsibility for setting offthe explosions.

According to authorities, the mantold Adams that the explosions weremeant as a reply to Donald J. Trump,the airline's owner, who had on Fridayof last week placed full-page adver-tisements in six major Americannewspapers calling on PresidentBush to take a harder line in tradetalks with Japan. "We knew the amaz-ing amount of influence Trump has onthe President," the caller reportedlytold Adams.

German Interest

"Obviously I'm just devastated,"said Mr. Trump In a telephone inter-view. "The Trump Shuttle was a jewel.Everybody wanted to fly it. I wasprobably going to sell it next week to

this German group for $670 million or$680 million, an unbelievable profit.Fortunately, we're fully insuredinfact, we got some additional coverageright after Thanksgiving, thankGod."

The total coverage for the airline is: $750 million, approximately doublethe price Mr. Trump paid in early1989. A tentative deal to sell the airlinecollapsed last September.

This was merely the latest setbackfor the beleaguered developer, whoseIntense efforts to stay solvent havebeen attracting increasing attention.According to Mr. Trump, however, hewas fortunate in at least one respect."I was supposed to be on one of the

i planes this morning," he told report-ers. "We were going to load up one of. the planes with toys and fly down toFlorida and give them away to thekids in the orphanages in Palm

Continued on Page A13, Column 3

AUGUST 1990 SPY i

DQ;4. ,

SM THl'Vana PartyAll Over TowrÑ

' ' OMEISTIIEplacewhere, NEW YORK PCST 1uSDAy MAY 7.

whenyouhavetogothere,they have to take you in," ;

wrote a man who knew a thing ortwo about homes, Robert Frost.

****IT'S BEGINNING to look like

Ivana Trump is losing interest inreconciling with that financial jug-gier Donald, who stopped giving in-terviews about the Big Bang longenough to divvy the insurancemoney among his many creditors. ,

This girl is having the time of her. .

life! The other night she was seenATLAIC CITY $1

on the arm of ex-Met and futureYomuri Giant Keith Hernandez. ':

He's the latest in a long line ofce- .

lebrity sports hunks linked to[vana, following Giants punterSean Landetta and tennis pro An- ..

re Agassi. I ran into the handsome ..

[fernandez at Rusty's the other :

night, and he said, "Liz, Mrs.Frump is a nice lady and fun to bewith." Come to think of it, the onlybeau who ever said anything dif-erent was Mike Tyson, who themorning after his night out with[vana in December was said to

Getting to First BaseTrump & Hernandez on the town

iave growled, "Tell Trump we'reaven." Whatever that means....Donald, meanwhile, pulled theplug yesterday on ThLmp's, the van-ty in-flight magazine he set up for:he airline, firing all 23 employees,including new editor Clay Felker.'He said he was sorry, but the mag-zine business was for losers," Fe!-er told me.

):' spy :\u(;t:sI I')9u

1m

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dPÖBLic ! i

Now YOU can

own a piece ofthe Trump!

By BILL HOFFMANN

How often have you wished that you had a

guy as smart and gutsy as Donald Trumpworking for you?

Now you and every New Yorker can make yourdream come true - by purchasing a little piece of

Donald Trump.Yesterday Trump announced that he was taking his

Atlantic City casino holdings public, offering 60 mil-

lion shares at $20 apiece.Trump's real estate prop- ably low price," Trump said.

erties and other holdingsare excluded from this pub-

"Think how much you'd haveto pay if we'd had another

lic offering, which will be inthe form ofa special class of

record-breaking year! Lis-ten, anybody who buys this

nonvoting stock.jfagbeenVerygoOdto

stock has gotten the ultimatebargain. You've heard of

me," said Trump, who willserve as the chairman and

people who say they boughtXerox at 3? Well, those

CEO ofTrumP Casino Enter-prises, "and this is Just my

people are going to envyanybody who bought Trump

way to give something backto all the fabulous men and

at 20."Trump says he will use the

women who have built this $1.2billionheraiSeStOsatis.fy his bondholders and to

country into the greatest na-tion on earth. The Man Up- fund expansion. 'I, for one,

stairs gave me an incrediblethinkthere'SCurrentiY an in-

opportunitY for theability to make money. NowI'd like to share this blessing

crediblegambling industry in East-

with all ofyou." em Europe," Trump toldThis winter's recession

hurt business in the gamThe Post.

Meanwhile, The Post has

bling capital ofthe East. The enlisted Trump to be a mem-ber of its Second Chance

CastleandthePlazalostatotal of $38.1 million in 1990, LottoTeam.FrOmn0''0fl,though the Taj Mahal made stead of receiving $5,000,

Grand Prize winners will re-$3.6 million. But Trump re-mains optimistic. "That's ceive 100 shares of Trumpwhy l'ra able to offer these Casino Enterprises and the

shares at such an unbeliev

iJusifless L1hc A'ctu jjcrk iu

.z/. 'i-

West Side Rail YardsSold by Trump

By THOMAS J. LUECK

Donald J. Trump announced yester-day that he will sell the 76-acre WestSide rail yards, which he had plannedto develop as a luxury complex thatwould include the tallest building inthe world, to a group of South Amen-can investors.

Although Mr. Trump said the prop-erty sold fon 'many, many times what

I paid for it, "a source close to one of

his creditors said the sale price wasS96.2 million. Mr. Trump paid $95 mil-lion for the site in 1985. An agreementto sell the property for a reportedlyhigher price came apart in late 1990.

The sale terminates Trump's indi-vidual and collective suits against themembers of Westpride_among themBill Moyers, Robert Caro and JtzhakPerlman_who had long fought Mr.Trump's plans.

The relatively low sale price as re-cently as 1990, Mr. Trump was sayingthat the site was worth $650 million -can be attributed to community senti-ment against development which allbut ensured that even if Mr. Trumphad prevailed, he would not have real-ized any income from the property formany years. Another factor may bethe lukewarn reception given to Mr.Trump's public stock offering. Thestock, which was offered last springat 20 a share, was selling Yesterdayfor 11½.

"Did I make a mistake with the railyards? "

Mr. Trump responded to a re-porter's question. ' 'I'll tell you whomade a mistake. All those negativepeople who Opposed me. Can youimagine anything more pathetic thanbeing the child of one of those peopleand looking at your parents and won-dering why they became afraid todream?"

Mr. Trump said that the buyers,who are the principals of a Colombianconcerii that is seeking to diversify,would hold apressconference to in-

LETTHETRUMP SOUND:.tVCk.

Ofltt,Zl1e(1 on Page D7

-

-...'

ALIGLtST 99() Spy

r===-------=--T-----Y' YORK POST, WEDNESDAY,

JANUARY 15,1992

O was that with DonaldTrump at the opening of

Bob Dylan's three-week gig at the

Taj Mahal in Atlantic City? Noneother than Trump's leading ladyof the moment, Basia Johnson,the baby-powder heiress, whowas resplendent in a taupeScaasi gown. Is Johnson merelythe latest in a long line of well-

seasoned, well-to-do women -

Bub( Itothermere, Doris Duke,

Mary Le4 Richards_who danglefrom The Donald's arm for justlong enough,

apparently, to closeon a condo at Trump Tower be-fore he directs his attentionelsewhere? "No way," saysTrump, who still seems to be

walking a financial tightrope."This is love." Ofcourse it is.

Oppressed

-Iungerfor

Constructbofl

Plans re Still in '[aIKUIg

Stae Despite Paymenth

By RG1t 'I'11UltOW

Staff Reporterof TUE

WFd.L STRT JOU-'

WARSA\V,poland - EverY day, Ofl his

way tO work, Tadeuz Michnik pasSeSthe

big emPtY lot where one of the corfler

stones of his nation'S ecofl0m recOVeY

is supposed to be laid. And every day

'radeuZ Michnik sighS goeSinto his of-

fice and places a phone call to America

that he knows wtll not be accepted or

jeturned.- 'VU1PflZ Michnik is poland's minter

MONfly, MARCtI9lg92

,-' ¼1tJ1L?ç READ ON WHAT

BOONDOGGLES rublis/zers Weeklybook Industry's biblc announces itsdogsofthy. itsCurrent 1SSUe Among 1991 's big losers Were Bush AdmjniStratjo Confidential by former Interior secrety Man-ueI Lujan; See Ale, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me: TheAUtobiograpy Ofger Daltrey; Trump.. Surviving at theTop, by Donald J. Trump; and cdajsjca/N More. TheDarryl Strawbe

Story, by Ira Berkowfl--- s

IT'S not as though Ivana Trumphad a lot of time on her hands.Since her election to the Czechparliament she has had many of-ficial duties to keep her busyduring the day and many unof-

of Trade and Tourism. The man ne iscalling is Donald Trump. Two years af-ter he gave Trump Casino Enterprises a$55 million cash down payment to build acomplex of hotels, shops and gamblingcasinos in Warsaw, no progress has been

macle toward groundbreakiflg. "I'm apatient man," says Mr. Michnik. " Presi-

dent Walesa is a pa-tient man, and thePolish people are apatient people. ButI'm beginning to

&

get a little tired ofbeing ignored."

"They've been -\I

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.

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New York. "Did you

patient? I've been '

patient," Mr.

Trump repliedfrom his office in

ever try to getquality marble in Donald J. Trump

Warsaw?It'SPathetic. Workers with experience in constructing a world-class show palace?Forget it! Did you get a load of theiiroads? They make me sick! I told them

/21flciaj Orlesas the new majoSqUee

vac1avHave1yfljg Still, tilenews that herestrang hubbyDonald will sate his appetite forcash by allowing the Rouse Cor-Poration to develop a SouthStreet Seapoljke Shop..afldCondo complex at the famiiy'Mar-aLago est.te has her busyindeed The

GlamorousPOlitician, as the Czech presshas dubbed her, has burned upthree OfPrag fax machinesSending angry instructjo5 toher attorneys.

'I can build, but you have to do someth inabout the airports.' What good does it dto build a casino if none of your higirollers can land? Have they done anything about that?"

Mr. Trump also maintains that he hasnot been able to get Polish authorities toagree on a design. "We go in there with adesign for your basic 400-room luxuryhotel with an atrium, food court, golfcourse and water-action park, and theysay all they want ¡s a ten-story buildingwith a pool and a gambling hall. Well, if Ican't build something worthy of thename Trump, I'd rather not build."

Mr. Michnik should not feel singledout.TrumpcasinoE nterprises made sim-¡lar deals in 1990 and 1991 with the goy-ernments of Romania and Bulgaria.

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Besieged on Ail FrontsTrump Files for Chapter 11

YI<1JRT9_ '-J Q s

TFUmp leaving cou-

.--I' 'After months of ISSuing almost dai-'y denials that lie wa. in severe finan.dal straits former billionaire DonaldJ. Trump

Yesterday bowed to the nev-itable and filed for protectjo UnderChapter of the federjbaikrUptcyCode.

Mr. Tmip who a result or adispute about projec j Eastern Eu.rope wa. Ousted last week from hisPositions Chairman and chief ex-ecutive Officer of the Public casinoCompany that COfltlnUes to bear hisname, listed personj asse of $4.2million and debts of $846 million.Much of that amount Is expected to beretired through the sale of the re-maining reaj estate holdings of TheTrump Organjzatj0 In New York andFlorida.Mr. Trump the epitome of RoaringEighties.5j excess, was in seclu.SlOfl Yesterday, but his latest spokes.man, PUblic.rejations adviser John P.Scanlon, said he was sure Mr. TrumpWoWd be able to use ths

OPPortunityjQfl Page D4, Columa!

bUilding neediYours. Or 120 dsIurd

icidi fecetraged e anflgeJ -. call . :: ; : AI)VT.

7

Little Boy, Big Cruel World- - Breathes there a man with soul so dead he can premises oforie Thomas Manning, also known on the otl

look into the face ofa child, any childeven a as Sweet Pea, one of Manhattan's most tal- havingb

child with the unmistakably same small, cold ented fences, with three Blaupunkt car stereos who forr

eyes and pouty, smackable lips that adorned in his possession at the very moment officers and Tr'

the visage of the grotesquely rich publicity from the 34th Precinct chose to conduct a raid. nowher

';4hound who for more than a decade befouled the "I did it to help my dad," the little man in the attorne

%already putridly polluted air of this mega- docket said in a small voice that ought instead Trumr

- - lopolis and notfeel some small trace ofpity if' to have been raised in play on one ofthe great bond

t. - that child's face is looking back at him from greenswards of Central Park. "He's been hay- alle

. behind the bars of a holding pen? No; and no ing some trouble lately' wF

one at yesterday's hearing in Family Court felt Little Eric's mother, who has no small chal-

Murrayimmune to the heartbreak when little nine- lenge before her in helping remake a nation,

Kemptonyear-old Eric Trump explained why on the left a Cabinet meeting and flew all night from

- night ofFebruary 8 he was at the 173rd Street Prague to be with her son. Little Eric's father,

AUGUST I99OSPY S

T:a

BY TONY SCHWARTZ

JI

Still BudliesIT'S in times oftrouble that a

man gets to know his friends.Donald Trump got a surprise vis-

itor the other dayhis old girl-: friend, movie actress Maria

MapIes(HeY, LÁt'SDothe

¡'rs Dance Again; Ghostbusters 111

When Harry Met Sallyfor the Sec-

ç1.;

Ofld Time), also known as the new

.'%bride of Akio Monta, the chair-

- man emeritus of Sony. On her

'- way to the airport, she stoppedand lunched with The Donald.

, "She's a classy lady," Trumpt said. "And Mr. Monta is a classy

,- man. And the Japanese are a

C:classy people. She gave me one

of the new portable high-defini-

:-tion TVs.

: Capsulesi

: Rtvieres a'idprevieres ofnere' .

andreissuedtapes anddis4r.c (Y'

NEW.

. Batman II(Warner, $69.95,

I(;)\artierBros. fìnallygot

¡ aroundioreleasingthismcga-dud sequel. Taking the Caped

Crusadcroutofthc bleak

cnvirons ofGocham City and '

putting hirn on the ski slopes of.

Aspen almost bankrupted the

.

studiù D

.

. Donald Trump's Cuide to. Winningat Bankruptcy(Lucky

Video, $19.95, no rating) Wall'

.

.

Street types arc snapping thiNj

. one up they think it a camp

. classic. Niore amizing chan'."

. Trumpdippyadvice("Debti

is like a woman its fun, you -

.

can't live without it, hut don't

let it scan making decisions for:

you'S)is how badly the former

mogul has gone to seed. Hc's.

probably puton 80 pounds. C

1144'

Meeting andGreetingThe press ballyhooed ltas the most lavish par-ty sInce 1989. whenMalcolm Forbes tookhalf of AmerIca's

swells to Morocco,but pet-food magnateLeonard Stern's"Cruise to Nowhere"turned out to be a sIm-pIer affaIr. Stern opened his cruIse

llne'sflagshlp, the 282-footyacht he

renamed Princess Allison, to 2.000close friends and assocIates, In-

cludlng Sid and Mercedes Bass, Jay

and Daryl Mclnerney and New York

mayor C. Vernon Mason, In celebra-

tion of his new publIshIng ven-turc, the upscale Manhattan weekly

I? Ç' BY WENDY COLE/Reported by Mary F

Shoppers' Buy-Lines. Ex-bllllonalreDonald Trump, the former owner of

the vessel, was also on handbutthIs tIme as a workIng stIff. Trumpserves as the cruIse line's vice presI-

dent for customer relatIons. "His job

Is to be a bon vIvant, a raconteur,"said Stern. "He makes sure every-one is havIng a good tIme."

-- -"; ------ .. ¡'u .. ufl a seven-. - - tuilong allowance at Belmont

- - -' Ed Seig- Wednesday.

.

/p;,!/ /2'

(("HEY, GUYS!"J_- \__

"When I was going around the world in my giant yacht,or negotiating incredible deals, or running billion-dollar corporations, I always thought that my biggestasset was LOOKING GOOD. Now you too can look like abillionaire, with my new line of grooming products-Hair Spray, Mousse, Gel and Tint."

TRUMP: The Art of Fine Grooming

,4&a&eee4 4Yes! Rush me my TRUMP: The Art of Fine Grooming grooming kit. I have enclosed a

check or money order for $19.95.Name__________

City__________________________________ State____ ZIP______

Act Now and Receive Free a For-Oz. Bottleof Le Tramp Musk: Cologne Pour L'Homme

.

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By GEORGIA DULLEA

New Yorkers who remember Don-aid Trump.from his heyday would besurprised at the way he seems today.He is older, to be sure, and heavier,and his hairline is in full retreat, butthose superficial features are notwhat command attention. What isstriking is the change in behavior.Gone is the brash tyro, the swagger-ing tough guy. In his place is an ami-able, somewhat unpolished charmerwho is just the sort of person withwhom you wouldn't mind lingeringover lunch.

Which, in increasing numbers,New Yorkers have begun to do, muchto the delight of the executives atWWOR-TV. One of the local hits ofthe new TV season is «Lunch WithIvana and Me," a title that prettymuch explains the show's premise,Viewers have been tuning in towatch the reconciled Trumps, whonever actually divorced, talk aboutwhat they did the previous evening,interview celebrity guests, try newrecipesand occasionally needleeach other.

"They're obviously in love, butthey have this interesting history,"said the show's producer, JerryNachman. "The audiencegets a spe-cia! kick when she gets that twinklein her eye arid.asks how good Mariareally was, and then he comes backand asks what she and Havel weredoing when they were hangingaround the presidential palace allnight, I think viewers can relate totheir experienes. They're like TheHoneymooners' for the 1990's,"

Mr. Trump readily attributes thesuccess of the show to his wife."Channel 9 was all set to give her herown show. And ¡yana said, 'No, let'sget The Donald involved. I don'twant to do it without The Donald,' I

wasn't doing much except liquidat-ing my grooming-products corpora-tioli and doing a little consulting forthe Sultan of Bruneithere's a guywho knows the meaning of loyalty.When Ivana called, I thought, 'Why

Donald and ¡yana Trump behind the set of their program.

not?' After we taped the first show, Iasked her out for coffee. I felt the oldfeelings. And, you know, she did,too."

Does Mr. Trump miss his glorydays as a billionaire mover andshaker? "Sometimes I walk downFifth Avenue and see Trump ¶wsorry, Geffen 'ibwer, and I see howwell The Plaza is doing under Yoko,and I feel angry that all that wastaken from me. But what's done isdone. I'm trying to focus my ener-gies on the positives, and that meansthe program. Our contract withChannel 9 is up next year, and wemay sign with someone else. TedTurner is interested, ABC, all thenetworks. So is Rupert Murdoch, for

his satellite network in Europe. It's agood show now, but I think it could .

become an incredible show, a c.r-nerstone program, a monster, thetype of perennially top show that canmake or break a network and reallymake some big money, in this coun-try and overseas, and if those mo-rons out there can't see that thename Trump on their schedule isworth a little equity..."

He catches himself, pauses."Things are better now. You know,Bert Convy asked me and Ivana to .

come down to the Taj and emcee afight - we met Bert last month whenwe were the celebrity players onWin, Lose or Draw.' It'll be good to

go back, see the old gang."

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ailmentsnot to mention its Pap

WILLIAM BROYLESJR., THE FOUNDING EDITOR OF TEXAS MONTHLYAND BRIEFLY THE EDITORof Newsweek, was driving along a California roadway in 1988 when hisJeep went out of control androlled. The accident wrenched off a portion of one of his index fingers, leaving a bloody nub. A Viet-nam veteran, Broyles had been tested under fire before, and he knewalmost instinctivelywhat hemust do. He stanched the blood, drew a long breath, made his way to a nearby emergency roomand then phoned Esq#ire. Would there be any interest, he asked 37-inch-tall editor Lee Eisenbeig, in afi rst-person story about a ur-fingered man?

Eisenberg, ever quick to seize the opportunity to subsidize a

T HE STRANGE VOGUE FORpotentially mawkish piece of introspective journalism, leapt atthe idea. After all, what had worked once would work again: in

PRI A I M IU R" 'OU RRI

A I QRA 1981 Esquire had published "My Life With Three Fingers" (italicsJ lML lU I J lttL .)IVl ours),bythewriterBruceWebewhoisnowaneditoratTheNew

df York Times Magazine. Among other things, this article explained

t(I_1. &L4t c4fte- *lIii why Weber lies on his right side when in bed with a woman. That(y I, (y way, he wrote, "my left hand [with its full complement of fingersi

is the active one:' The sensation of three fingers "maneuvering around a breast' he imagined, empa.thizing with his conquests, might feel "crawly'

As for Broyles, he quickly had second thoughts about sharing parallel, four-fingered intimacies withEsquirds readers. But were it not for this unfortunate onrush of modesty, he would have joined the largeand growing school of writers who have discovered that their richest body of material may well lie intheir own bodiesor, more correctly, in their bodily misadventures. Whether they seek to rechargeflagging careers, quickly fill column holes or satisfy sharing-giving-feeling compulsions left over from theseventies, writers have shown an increasing inclination during the last ten years to turn their heartattacks, intestinal disorders, cesarean sections and sexually transmitted diseases into magazine filler oreven, on occasion, booksand best-sellers at that.

This wasn't always so. Even the closest reading of Paradise Lost doesn't reveal Milton's blindness. Nordid Virgil ever hint at his failing eyesight in TheAeneid. In contrast, readers ofthe April 1987 Cosmopolitanknow all about Lorraine Kreahling's bladder operation. Rolling Stone readers were treated to similar reve-lations when the magazine invited Epstein-Barr sufferer HillaryJohnson to publish 10,000 words on herillnessspread over two issues, no less, injuly and August 1987including descriptions ofher meta-bolic disturbances, impaired reasoni ng, spatial disorientation, sequential-memory disturbance, anxiety,phobias, enlarged liver, enlarged spleen and, last but not least, puffy eyelids.

What compels some writersreal writers too, not just hacks (witnessJohn Updike's account of hislifelong battle with psoriasis in Self-Consciousness) - to spill their guts across the pages of glossy maga.zines? Why does a journeyman television writer like Peter Freundlich whine for 4,000 words in, yes,

60 SPY AUGUST 1990

writing teachers have always said. But little could those

obsessed generation would begin chronicling its most recent injuries and

smears, missing fingers, hair plugs and more!

Esquire about his then-dysfunctional peniwhile Nation editor Victor Navasky neveutypes a word about his own crippling arthritis? For Navasky, it may be an inconvenienisense ofpropriecy and discretion. For Freundlich, Weber and their cohorts in hospitaohnnies, a quick reading of the Canon provides several explanations:

Money. Writers generally need it, and thfee from a quick tour around one's failincorpus can keep Blue Cross and Blue Shielcat bay. In No Laughing Matter, a 9O,OOO-woraccount ofJoseph Heller's battle with Guil¡am-Barré syndrome, which causes sufferersto lose control of their limbs, Heller's coauthor Speed Vogel let slip that the morcfamous man's book royalties had dwindled to$800 a month while his monthly medicalbills had suddenly grown to $13,000. Undessuch circumstances, tossing off an AbouuMen column just won't do; a book is all bui

compulsory.Writer's block. When inspiration fails Of

laziness intervenes, personal tragedy is al.ways available as a reservoir of dramaticmaterial. Nelson Bryant, the Outdoorscolumnist for The Neu' York Timei, accidentally blew offthe tip ola finger while shoot.ing at a rabbit. Afterward he told an acquaintance that he was too embarrassed evetto write about it. But when a fishing columnfell through and his deadline approached,compunction went out the door: "1 contrivedto put a .22 rim fire bullet through the utter-most knuckle ofthe index finger ofmy right

AUGUST 1990 SPY 61

hand' he told the Times's readers. "I wondered ifthe finger would heal rapidly enough for me to fishfor shad'

Sheer exhibitionism. Admittedly, there is a little ofthis in many ofus - remember LB) lifting his shirt infront of newspaper photographers to display the scarfrom his gall-bladder surgery? Indeed, there are oftenbut two differences between a civilian's medical ex-hibitionism and a writer's: those of premeditationand word rate. AsJoseph Heller writes, "I knew intui-tively that I was going to the hospital. And I tried topack accordingly. I thought first of a dictionary, athesaurus, some pads, pens, and pencils' In a storyfor The New York Times Magazine unironically entitled"The Private Pain of Infertility" Gwen Davis unironi-cally insists, "Our pain is private; we keepit to ourselves And yet to the hotel room'rnk,i cl ,,,II c-í-n if(WCf r

up and "say something grand. But be manages only400 high-toned words before grandness is abandonedand problems of the digestive tract take center stage:"What strikes me now about my irritable bowel is thegeneral condition it illustrates: the enduring conse-quences that small, apparently minor mistakes canhave' This is not the sort of analogy Susan Sontaghad in mind when she wrote illness as Metaphor, herthoughtful 1978 meditation on the cultural meaningsof disease - prompted by Sontag's own struggle withcancerthat is the ne plus ultra of the genre.

As for the rest, whether they are 2,000-word essaysfor Harper's (penis-plagued Peter Freundlich again -this time getting a tooth filled) or 175-page best-

ifsellers (Larry King suffering a heart attack), whether

.. . . . "J. . & 'b '"'"I' ,, The pain was astonishing, so intense ¡bat some nights i sat up spitting into a

::c:,Y drugs, she totes her per.Styrofoam coffie cap Io avoid the agony ofswallowin.g."

Narcissism. Authors who may alreadyhave been paid to document their child-hoods and the breakups oftheir first mar-nages might understandably assume thatthe public hungers for details of theirsinus infections. Plus, there is the exquisite sense ofself-awareness that often accompanies pain and dis-easeor so we are told. "A dangerous illness fillsyou with adrenaline and makes you feel very smart:'writes Anatole Broyard in the Times Magazine, remi-niscirig about his cancerous prostate gland; he thentells us he imagines his endangered life "as a beauti-ful paisley shawl thrown over a grand piano'

The aging process. Broyardis an older man, raised in amore decorous era than ourown - and even he has suc- "' am izow experiencing diarrhea on

cumbed to the personal-injury a iearIy constant basis. My doctor

genre. As the famously self- assures me that I am very

obsessed baby-boom genera- 'Look on the bright side, ' he sa;s.tion gets older and also finds You could be constipated. ''itself beginning to decay, themaxim "Write what you know"will be taken to ever moreunpleasant extremes. William on his digestive tract,

Allen, in Esquire, on getting New York magazine

outfitted for his hairpiece: "Hemade a sort ofmold ofmy headout of paper and masking tape. . . . Every few days Ihad to shave the part of my head going under thetape. . . . I would put the [adhesive] on my tape with alittle brush . . . and it worked fine until the residue builtup. The gummy crud built up on my head, too."

Read enough of such prose and you almost findyourselfagreeing with Tom Wolfe when he insists thatmodern writers should pour forth into the streetsand tackle life's larger issues. Anthony Brandt, in hisfinal Ethics column for Esquire, at least takes a stabat it, expressing the hope that he can sum things

f, pY At'C.jST 199(

on his phantom case of herpes, Esqufre

Jl

they are concerned with brain tumors or gingivitis,most take predictable form. For those readers whosuspect they too harbor a malady ofinterest to others,we offer this short primer:

Begin with a description of life before the afflic-tion . By stressing the ordinary routine of their livesbefore their bodies betrayed them, the masters of thegenre hope to show that their tragedy could very wellbe anyone's - everyone's. In other words, they didn't askfor it. "I dressed as customary upon getting out ofbed, large-size trousers over my underpants and thena loose sweatshirtI have never gotten used to paja-mas or a bathrobeand prepared my normal break-fast' Joseph Heller happily recalls in No LaughingMatter; before the breakfast dishes are cleared, how-ever, he's struck with Guillain-Barré syndrome.

Don't forget to establish your extraordinary intel-ligence and professional successproof that yourillness was unjust. Writing in The New York TimesMagazine, Nan Robertson reminds us that she wentdancing "in a black velvet Paris gown" the night shecontracted toxic shock syndrome. "I unwrapped thehero and took a bite, looking at my new Emmy. ...

This was my third:' announces Barbara Gordon in i'mDancing as Fast as i Can, a book-length discussion ofher Valium addiction. This sort of offhand detail(Emmy as ancillary to hero-eating) works well: lives arebeing threatened, and what wonderful lives they are!

Establish the seriousness of your disease as wellas your writerly intent by using a lot of macabremetaphors. Doctors become (to quote Freundlich)"executioners' compliments turn into "funeral gifts:'dentists' chairs are "morgue slabs" and hospital gowns"shrouds.."

Ii you aren't sick yourself, a spouse's, parent's orchilds illness will serve. And don't be impatient. Al.though Molly Haskell was in the pink when she beganchronicling her husband Andrew Sarris's cytomegalo- ,..virus encephalitis (in her recentbook Love andOther Infec:io:i.c Dis.

eases). misfortune soon smiled

to the center and pressing. . . . But suddenly my skinwas on fire. Panting, i grabbed at the folded flesh. Iran a nail down the crease. . .pulled and tugged untilat last the skin curled open, blood rushing in tiny red

= dots to the surface:'When you can't stretch out your account of

the illness itselfany longer. treat the reader toon her: by the time he began his fe't a li:'zg itick. . .poking me.

detailed, blow-byblowdescriptions of yourrecovery, she too could claim a 1idgizg me. from the inside. so,,ìeubere recovery. Heller extensively quotes his dailyhospital room, having been laid under my pubic bone. exploring medical charts, the color and texture of hisup - as she tells us - with her tissue-clotted cave. moving stiffly left secretions, the frequency of his bowel move-very own intestinal blockage. and right like a :il/e' bllmping up against

ments. "No BM 3 day. Received glycerineContinually declare the unique- supp. 5 pm without results. Fleet enema 8:30

. . the coji ceiling of my belly. pIi5hIng atness ofyour pain. A writer musc pm with poor results. Nan Robertsons toxicbelieve that the pain he or she is the soit walls. . . . cçri.. r;ir «r rr riiii

experiencing is unlike any otherkind of pain if readers are to betruly and morbidly fascinated by on his cystoscopic operation,

it. This holds whether its Steve Esquire

Fishman's 'rasping' stinging'"gnawing'S pain (brain hemor-rhage; book), or more like Geoffrey Wolff's "heavyperson . . . kneeling on my chest" pain (heart trouble;article in Esquire). Also, don't be shy about includingany private ruminations on pain's existential nature,no matter how wandering or trite; such observationsare nearly obligatory the genre's money shots, so tospeak. Fishman asks, 'is pain always personal?...How do you describe a hurt? We can each ofus agreechat a leaf is green, a ball of cotton soft, but what isa rasping pain. . . ?" and adds, "My pain is private"(heedless, like infertile, unironic Gwen Davis, of theco ntra di ai on).

Keep no insights whatsoever to yourself. "Brainsurgery for me is a process a patient undergoes'writes Fishman, sounding like Dan Quayle. Also,don't worry about mystifying readers or appearingpretentious in providing any medical jargon you mayhave picked up. "LVEF 55% w/mild diffuse hypokine-sis; calcificAo valve w/decr mobil;non-dom RCA nor-mal,' notesJohn Gregory Dunne, helpfully, in Harp (a1989 book about his heart disease).

Don't stint on the gore. "The disturbing sound ofmetal scraping wood is heard as the surgeon's tool ripsthe scalp offthe skull,a smooth, pale, bloodless curve,"writes Fishman, the brain-hemorrhage sufferer. "Awide tongue ofscalp is tied back to a sheet. From un-derneath it looks like a slab of raw meat:' Naturally,the best writers in this genre have strong stomachs -or, better still, stomachs that have been cut open andsewn back together. In Grown-up Fast, Betsy Israeldescribes life after her routine cesarcan delivery: "Twothick pouches of skin like pleated drapes hung fromcither side of the scar:' To disguise this, she "appliedthe makeup base, and placed the tape over it, wrap-ping it around my waist several times. . . . But when Imoved, the tape gapped, I had to put more tape onthe tape, and it became hard co lift my arms:' Next shetried Krazy Glue. "I worked quickly, folding the flab

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away bits ofthe hard black sheaths around my

fingers to find, triumphantly, healthy pinkflesh beneath:' Never underestimate thepowerful symbolism of rebirth.

Which brings us, finally, to this:- The question What did I do to deserve this?must never be rhetorical. No matter how vigorouslythey deny it, all writers about personal illness haveread their Sontag, and the notion of illness as ametaphor for moral weaknessa punishment forsloth, inadequacy and a life spent in the fast lanemust be dealt with. In Esquire, Jack McClintock(venereal disease) bravely writes, "The contracting ofa disease is not a moral event:' Nevertheless, we learnthat "the novel that I had sacrificed a great deal (per.haps the marriage) to write had been rejected. Withfriends I seemed dulled, self-obsessed, a bore. Some-how herpes came to symbolize and embody all therest'John Gregory Donne writes, on first learning ofhis occluded coronary arteries, "What I felt, oddlyenough, was a sense ofguilt, mixed with shame andembarrassment. . . . It was my fault"

Ofcourse, Dunne goes on to tell us it really wasn'this fault, just as McClintock understands that his caseof herpes has nothing to do with his status as a self-= professed bore. And yet, despite their denial

of any physical-suffering-as-spiritual-just-deserts conceit, many ofthese writers relatetheir happy endings in the language of reh-gious redemption. Thanks to successfulheart surgery, Dunne is reborn to "a new

. life' McClincock, 6,000 words into hisvenereal case history, learns that the "red-ness and soreness on the penis, a rubbedraw patch" didn't mean be had herpes

r'

"miraculously."In the end, though, we give these writers

the benefit ofthe doubtto a point. Okay,

ttLqjwe say, after reading about the bowel sur-

on his recovery from gery, the severed digits, the rotting teeth,

heart surgery, the infected genitals. Okay, maybe illness

Esquireisn't a iTietaphor for some moral weakness.But spinning it into a self-important maga-

II zine piece, wellwe're not so sure. )

AUGUST i990 SPY 63

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IThink of Nikki Haskell. No, you're thinking of Pia Zadora. Nikki Haskell is the one who doesn't sing.Nikki Haskel! is the one who wears the Fabrice dresses, too small and serried with crosswise folds and

wrinkles. True, she and Pia have the same haircut (Rod Stewarts), the same milieu, the same parking-meter stature. But Nikki Haskell is the one who doesn't sing and who doesn't have a rich Israeli husband. In the 1970s

and '80s Nikki Haskell was somebody who was always around but who never quite arrived. For a time, around ten

years ago, she ruled New York night. life like a lesser Slovak noble, hold-

ing Baird Jones in vassalage though remaining a humble pres-ence before Xenon owner Peppo Vanini. She lived in the clubs. She

was a party promoter, a bad papa- razzi photograph, a Page Six item.

Also, a cable-TV personality What was the cable show, anyway? Public Access

Party Hostess? In any case, that life is mostly behind her now. It is 1990. Nikki Haskell is 47 years old. The clubs are

dead. Her dresses still don't fit. No longer a minor socialite, she is now an aging minor socialite. There must be a way

out. There is: Nikki Haskell's Tone Caps. Tone Caps, miracle diet pills, are Nikki Haskell's ticket to "real money:' as

she calls it. Her ticket out ofherfaux penthouse (luxury high rise between Second and Third) with its dated, camp zebra-

skin decor. Her ticket out ofThird-Rate-Celebrity Hell. And it just might work. Nikki Golbus grew up in Chicagoin the 1940s and '50s. The family was rich. Nikki was the child of "Dapper Dan" Golbus, a man who anticipated the

corporate synergies of a later decade by owning both a millinery and a construction business. He spoiled his onlydaughter, giving her, for example, not one horse but six. The family moved to Beverly Hills when Nikki was 13; her

father died soon thereafter. Still, --- _______ ______ Nikki loved her life in California:

the cars, the famous and wealthy

veloper namedjack Haskell at 21,

64 SPY AUG' 'ST 2990

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boys. She married a real estate de-

divorced him two years later be-

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cause ofhis hot temper, remarriedhim, moved to New York andbecame a stockbroker, thendivorced Jack Haskell again. The

comes from the Amazon. The garlic point,' says Cowan. 'They seemcomes from the high Andes. lt's not to work. They keep me toned:'exactly the formula for the atom Haskell's male counterpart inbomb - it's like Colombian coffee: party-attending and -throwing,

I

social enigma- R. Couri Hay, is

.- . .devoted to her

' pills: "Theyi "

. don't have any.

4 narcotics in!

; them, you know...

rI sometimes

J ..

. wish they didHay takes his

Fancy dress: A signature /x'address andassoriedgroin coverings (u.'ith bead, chain and/ace varia/jons) mark the Hat/zell styleleft to right,Haskell with singer RickJarnes, as a /mnk. al Carnaval in Rio with Neil Sedaka andfashion designer Fabricç, al Hugh iIeJ'nerc MidsirnrnerNighi Dream par:)' and with Cornelia Guest on Halloween (u'ith Gueji apparently in coJtune as an ordinari human being)

Account Executive Years, at DrexelBurnham and elsewhere, lasteduntil 1977, when she went backwest to coproduce a MalcolmMacDowell movie called &es High.

This complicated life nowacquired all the elements of amodern fairy tale: a phony prince,a cable show and bankruptcy.

In 1979, Haskell's friend"Prince" Egon von Furstenbergasked her to host his cable talkshow. He soon bailed out, but The

Nikki Haskell Show ran for fouryears on ChannelJ. It was basedat the club the Underground andfeatured Haskell in exotic costume,flown to exotic locales by Pan Am(for promotional consideration -the show's only advertising) andchatting with her exotic friends(for example, Robert Wagner).After spending about $300,000,her entire fortune, and runningup big debts to friends, videoproduction companies andcameramen, Haskell declaredbankruptcy. A subsequent careerthrowing parties for paycopromote clubs, products, JoeyHeathercon - frustrated her. Thework was very satisfying, but ir

simply didn't bring in enoughmoney. Haskell, game as ever, wasreduced to teaching a course atthe Learning Annex on how to getinvited to the right parties andhow to give them. The fee: $25.

"Just garlic and papaya' Haskellsays proudly, describing the ToneCaps' ingredients. "The papaya

66 SPY AUGUST 1990

"l've been onevery dietknown to

m a n k i n d ,"

says Haskell."I've takenthe pills,

the shots, theinjections

of pregnantwomen'su r i ne"

its something that's indigenousto the area:' She is eating lunchin her apartment on 68th Street(salade niçoise, cold bow-tie pasta,tomatoes and mozzarella, babyloaves of onion bread). Proppedagainst thewall is a gold-

painted step- :

ladder bear-ing the legendNIKKI HAS-

KELL: FOR SO-

CIAL CLIMB-

ING. She hasopened thec h i 1 d p ro o f

cap ofa pias.tic bottle filled

with bright-orange capsules. Thelabel says, NIKKI HÄSKELL'S TONECAPS. They smell awful. With along, hooklike red fingernail,Haskell pushes a pill across thetable.

"Margaux Hemingway lost 50,maybe 60, pounds wich them'she says. "Cornelia [Guest) takesthem; she lost a lot of weight.And Lorna Luft. Call Lorna'JillSt. John. Eva Gabor. BarbaraRush. Ann Turkel, RichardHarris's former wife.

"Malcolm Forbes used a bottleto trim down before his 70thbirthday," Haskell says. (Forbes isdeceased.) Charles Revson's sonJohn. Jet.set fu rrier Dennis Basso.Warren Cowan, chairman of thepublic-relations firm Rogers &Cowan, says he lost eight poundson the pills. "I'll try anything at this

Tone Caps withchampagne, eventhough the

directions advise orange juice(che pills, being diuretic, depletepotassium; the juice replenishesit), "I can go through a box ofGodivas, an entire bottle ofCristalwhich, you know, is much

less fatteningthan Dom

Froni kooky gamine (1961) to Liz Taylor-like 50/)his-licate (1988). 1/she had one, I-Iaskell career in filinsand on the stage woicid span five decades.

Perignon -and I don'tlook as puffythe next day'says Hay. "IfI take the pilland I've gonewee-weequite a bit, Ican see thedifference. I

can button my shirt, you know:'Wee-wee? This is the Tone Caps'

dynamic engine of weight loss.BeverlyJohnson, model, was

in Paris for a runway show. Theclothes didn't fit. She says, "Theshow was in ten days. So I tooktwo in the morning, one in theafternoon and another at dinner.You're in Parisyou know, thefood is so good. I ate dinnerevery night, and I still lost tenpounds in ten days. You do haveto pee all the time. That was alittle annoying'

"I'm telling you, it really works'says Haskell. «l've been on a dietsince I was 13. I've been on everydiet known to mankind. I've takenthe pills, the shots, the injectionsof pregnant women's urine. Theshake jobs are the worst:'

With her full breasts and tiny,

bony frame, Haskell resembles a at Le Cirque. She went to every medieval times, after all, whenshiny partridge. At lunch she wears single drugstore on the Upper East magic ruled over reason. Therea short blue Lady Bird Johnson Side and personally persuaded the is a theory behind Haskell's pills,dress and three-inch heels. She owners to carry Tone Caps. She and it runs something like this:says she is five foot three, 103 begged Boyd's, the posh Madison Papaya, as a metabolizing agent,pounds, and eats "like a horse;' Avenue pharmacy, to sell them; breaks down protein. "Papaya issomething her lunchtime behavior after a string of letters and calls a natural enzyme that is in everydoes not contradict. How can

. .

!-- 'I;i - -.

she look like a partridge but eat .

,'L

like a horse? Ofcourse: the little 'l

orange pills.___________

;.__ 1.

Haskell first heard about the'

t 7 - - i'

magic papaya.and-garlic elixir in 1L1 I - 1the early 1980s, when tubby

'

" I

society types were keeping slim ______.....'

j.

with the help of Enzo Caps - -

another Peruvian wonder pill l '.which were taken off the market '

tin 1985. "There was this coup in '

.

Peru,' says Haskell, "and the EnzoCaps vanished into the sunset' '

That's when it occurred to herthat if she could sell the mixtureherself, she could make millions.

.

The market already existed. And. . .

. . . , .

!l(l?Z(I 1rimp finds lime (despite reserve dut) with the Czech %"aci? to give Hake// an audience on ¡he. . . .

,

. .

who needs a chemistry degreeirump Princess. Meanuhite. Marta,ix HernlnRu'ay. preione Lap iverapy. stares areamny atHaske/I scalp. Heminguay. herfriend clamis, lost 50 or 60 poimds.

J ust last year Dick Gregory, thecomediancivil-rights activist, and celebrity endorsements, they stomach and in meat tenderizers,"netted $13 million with Dick ordered Haskell's pills. Now they explains Haskell. "When meatGregory's Bahamian Diet (a shake sell 60 bottles a month. (Haskell leaves the slaughterhouse, theyjob). With the help of some overcame a serious marketing dip it in a papaya solution' ThePeruvian friends (who doesn't have problem. The pills stink, and as garlic, a natural diuretic, flushesone or two?), Haskell managed to everyone knows, after you eat garlic, out the system. "The faster thathave the pills manufactured in a you stink, as the garlic is released food moves through the system,Lima laboratory. After 18 months through your pores. Haskell the better the chance you have ofof problems and delays, the addresses this issue forthrightly, losing weight;' says Haskell. Foodcapsules finally made it through explaining that the pills use only settlements that might otherwisecustoms. When the first shipment deodorized garlic and are therefore grow into great civilizations ofof Tone Caps arrived in New safe. Included in her Tone Caps fat are thus swept away mercilessly.York in late 1986, Haskell press kit is the standard work on "I cannot conceive of anydelivered them to all the "best this subject, "The Healing Powers scientific basis where that couldbuildings" by car. "Up and down of Garlic -Nature's Ancient be true' was the succinct opinion

i.iwu 11fBreakfast at B:jan: Ilaske/lon the town with ziario,.r wolves - left to right, R. ouri Hay; Vivian B/ainec nzanager.husband.Jef need FDA approval as

LeRoy Neiman: Ma/co/rn Forbes: Prince Egon ¡'on Fiiritenberg: and entertainment lawyer AI/en Grubman long as they're called

Park Avenue' she says, "all thewomen wanted them:'

Haskell's business grew by wordofmouth largely hers. She passedout bottles olpills during lunches

Medicine in Modern DeodorizedForm' by Morton Walker, D.P.M.(Doctor of Podiatric Medicine).

We no longer live in an age ofsuperstition. These are not

a "dietary supplement:')Still, Haskell's friends swear the

Tone Caps work. "I'm a songwriter,not a chemist, you know' saysCarol Connors, a Los Angelesbased lyricist and coauthor of the

AUGUST 1990 SPY 67

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.

Left. ihm. trim (but unfortunately not a Tone Caps custorner)Joey Heatherton riabs her torso againstHaskell while an Irnelda Marcos impersonator grins happily. Right, The Three Partyteers I:JackieCollins. Allan Carr andHaskell; The Three Parcyteers II: Haskell, Peter It/len andCharlene Tilton

Rocky theme, "Gonna Fly Now' as big plans. Shes giving the Tonewell as "Champagne Wishes and Caps a more upscale imageCaviar Dreams;' the theme from changing the name to Star Caps,L:ftstyles ofthe Rich and Famous. adding a gold star to the label«But my doctor said they were fine. and including her own 14-day

N i k k i H a s ke I I He didn't say, 'Stop. I take them diet plan. A whole line of new

i s s t i I I in moderation, and ive been products is in the works: Nikki

around, but taking them for two or three years Haskell's diet salad dressings and,now. I watch what I eat. I ve lost

. . .

varicose-vein creams, Nikkis h e s t i I I 14 pounds. Thanks to Tone Caps, Haskell's Celluslim Cellulite

hasn't arrived. lcandrinkallthechampagneand Control System (already availableE y e n n o w, eat all the caviar I want' Fourteen on the Home Shopping Network),w h e n s h e pounds in three years - 14 pounds as well as a special Nikki Haskell

drops a name, exactly; Tone Caps get results. diet water. Now, there's an idea.

it tends to be Haskell's entrepreneurial gambit lt lust might work. But it hasn't. . .

might work. The pills are. . .

yet. Nikki Haskell is still around,Zi.Orfla Lurt s

evidently selling. Haskell says but she still hasn't quite arrived.__________- profits have kept her company ¡n Even now, when she drops a name,

the black, and this year she expects it tends to be Lorna Luft's.to see "real money" coming in. Cornelia. Margaux. Jet-set furrierHer friend Ivana Trump is said to Dennis Basso. Haskell's eagerhave distributed bottles of the endorsers cannot seem to speakpills at one ofher all-girl pajama- on the record without mentioningparty weekends at Mar-a-Lago in Cristal, Godiva, caviar. FromPalm Beach. Approximately 150 the looks ofthings, she may havestores in New York, Florida escaped from Third-Rate-Celebrityand Beverly Hills carry Tone Hell only to find herself in Fat-

Caps, and in September so will Third-Rate-Celebrity Hell. If thethe 1,300 outlets of General real money comes through, though,Nutrition Center, the largest it all will have been worth it.health-food chain in the country. Then Nikki HaskellconsummateAt $100 for 30 pills, Tone Caps survivor and would-be diet gurucan a several-thousand-dollar- to Le Cirque and Park Avenue-a-year habit. And Haskell has can move west of Lexington. )

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I I

YOLK'Sl I I*I

The delicate art of putting

egg on one own face

BY HENRY .D,U"Ç'E. HOLLAND

That tired old gag "How do i ge: io Carnegie HaII?74Practice, practice, practice" recently be-came fresh and exciting in the hands ofDaily News columnist William Norwich. Hereis how Norwich opened one of his columns:

Question: Hey. Misteri which way to Carnegie Hall?REVIEW Answer: Practice.

OFR E V I E W E R S Norwich's brave improvisation deserves scrutiny. By simply replacing

"How do I get tor' with "Which way to' he deftly renders che answer(a minimalist "Practice") meaninglessthat is to say,fitnny. This is bold new comedyindeed: paraphrasing to comic effect. lt'sas if Henny Youngman, all those yearsago, had stepped up to the microphoneand instead said, "My wife, for exam-ple. . please!"

Norwich's fellow gossip Liz Smith, inthe same newspaper two days later, alsoran into trouble at the start ola column.Her earnest remembrance of SammyDavis Jr., Jim Henson and art dealerHarry Bailey began with an extremelycurious choice of quotation. from Ciar-ence Darrow: 'According to obituary no-tices, a mean and useless citizen neverdies:' That whistling sound? Darrow'ssarcasm whizzing over the top of Liz'sten-gallon hat.

No one was more shocked than TheNew York Times when Van Gogh's Portraitof D, Cachet fetched $82.5 million atChristie's last May. (Weil, maybe I was:days earlier, I'd passed on a chance to buythar very painting on MacDougal Streetfor a fraction o(what Ryoei Saito paid$5, I think it was.) The Times had beensaying that the art market was softeningand that prices were dropping, and nowthis Van Gogh had brought a record.

70 SPY AUGI IS1 1990

breaking price. Very embarrassing in-deed. But the Times wiped the egg fromits face by putting a determined spin onthe story: Michael Kimmelman's newsanalysis ofthe sale, two days later, carriedthe headline $82.5 MILLION PRICE FORVAN GOGH DISGUISES POOR OVERALL

SALES. The article's pull cjuote said insis-tently, "Most ofthe other items in the lotsell below their estimates;' and the head-line for the jump to a second page was ahopefully dire VAN GOGH PRICE OB-SCURES A SLIDE IN ART MARKET. (Days

later, yet another painting went for astratospheric priceAt the Moulin ik laGalette for $78.1 million, at Sotheby's.)

So how's the art market these days? Alltogether, now: Lousy!

Traditionally critics tell us how theyfeel about whatever it is they're review-ing. Not Roger Ebert. He tells us howhe doesn't feel, how he hasn't reacted. Andhe does it in a wishy-washy way, withthe tremulous Ebert thumb pointed nei-ther up nor down but sideways. Here,from the Daily News (and not, as youmight imagine, from Highlights for Chu-dren), are Ebert's final, hedging words onsome recent movies: "I am not sure if thefilm itself is a success because I am notsure what it is trying to do (i Love You to

Death). i still didn't care about the out-come ofthe movie' (Revenge). "By the endofthe movie i was happy to have ir closeas it does' (Pretty Woman). I wasn't exact-ly on the edge of my scat waiting to seehow it would turn out" (The White Girl).'I did not walk into the screening witha light step and a heart that sang. Forthat matter, I did not walk out afterwardwith my spirits renewed" (Teenage MutantNinja Turtles).

See Roger go to the screening. SecRoger pick up his crayon. See Rogerequ ivoca te.

The New Yôrker's estimable MimiKramer, on the other hand, tells us howherfriendr react. She's generous tooshemodestly gives them all the best lines: "Afriend of mine who saw the original,1959 production of Gypsy has suggestedthat when Ethel Merman came down theaisle bellowing, 'Sing our, Louise!' she in-stantaneously invented the concept ofBroadway camp:' "A friend of mine whosaw Aspeas o/Love in London has sug-gested that Garnett's novel offers the per-lea source material for Andrew LloydWebber that a collaboration between thegreat schlock composer and this minormember ofthe Bloomsbury sec represcntsa match made in Heaven:' "[Imagining

Bradl made my two companions. . . so

angry they wanted to burn down thetheatre. (The play, they said, changedtheir perception of nothing except goy-ernnient subsidy of the arts.)" "[At a re-vivaI of The Sound o/Musid I closed myeyes, put my head on my companion'sshoulder, and said, 'Wake me up whenthis song is over, would you please?' Shewhispered back, 'What if I can't?""Tlefriend who came with me to see SquareOne says she likes Dianne Wiest becauseDianne Wiest looks like a real person:'

This is known as the seven-or-eight-on-the-aisle school of criticism.

Noted man oflectersJames Atlas, nowan editor a The New York Times Magazine,has published The Book Wars: What Ii

Takes to Be Educated in A merica . lt's a cu ri -ously slim volume, under 100 pages, anditwould be slimmer still ifnot for the 18pages of four-color Federal Express ad-vertising sprinkled throughout. That'sright: it's a Whittle book. And it's filledwith wonderful, horrifying ironies. Achapter on "Cultural Illiteracy" beginswith an ad promoting Federal Express'sfull-seryice all.ca rao airli ne:' Another

weird juxtaposition of pages gives us, onthe right-hand side, "Innovations in thecurriculum have politicized the humani-ties. . . . Proliferation of courses in third-world literature, of deconstructionismand feminist criticism, represents. . .'anideologically motivated assault on the in-tellectual and moral substance ofour cul-ture" and on the left-hand side, "Whenyou send your package Federal Expressdomestic or internationalwe take careof your shipment every step of the way.'That's at the beginning of a chaptercalled "The Decline ofLiterary Criricism'

Actually, it's a great ideaeven if youcome away from Atlas's book still unde-cided about whether Milton should be re-quired reading in college, at least you'llremember that Federal Express's 14,000overseas couriers can provide on-time de-livery practically anywhere in the world.

The rating note at the end of CarynJ ames's review of Bird on a Wire in theTimes was odd: 'There ¡s some violenceand a glimpse ola naked behind that issupposedly Mel Gibson's; the editingsuggests it's a body double:' The TimesorJamessounds bitter, no? And whatcouldjanet Maslin, another good critic,possibly have been thinking when shewrote that Gary Oldman's performanceas an unhinged war hero in Chattahoochee"may be deeper and more gripping thanthe real man or his real story"? HoldonOldman is acting!

Finally, hats offto whoever was behindthat Esquire parody that turned up in mymailbox last spring. The decision to pub-lish it as ifit were the actualjune issue ofEsquirenames of real Esquire staff,familiar suffocating scent, no PARODY

disclaimer in evidencewas a clevertouch, though it unfortunately concealsthe identities ofsome very funny satirists.

The cover sets the tone: THE SECRET

LIFE OF THE AMERICAN WIFE, it reads,over a composite photo of a model di-vided into partsthe professional, thehousewife and so on. The labels arepriceless: "HER LIPS: Can you trustwhat they say?. . . HER BRA: What reallykeeps it up?. . . HER PLUMBING: Howmuch should you know?" Inside are sto-ries such as 'The [00 Best Wives of AllTime" and "The Twelve Virtues of thePerfect Wife' and a page-long list of ailthe ways We Men refer to Her ("the littlewoman. ..mi esposa...pudding.. .cup-cake . . . the missus . . . squaw . . . fire of my

loins"). lt's funny but a little unfair, be-cause Esquire isn't really this bad, is it?

Especially hilarious is "Your Wife: AnOwner's Manual:' which includes expia-nations of che contents of her handbagand of how her bra works, a multiple-choice quiz about her medicine chest, adiagram on her "plumbing" and a sectioncalled "Her Ablutions: Why Do TheyTake So Long?" As satire, the feature "TheLast Housewife in America" could havecoastcd on its titEe alone, but the "author"takes the trouble rosustain it with gooey,

neo.Hemingway, Esquire-like prose: "Sheclears the breakfast dishes. She reachesfor the vacuum. She reaches for the dust-cloth. She reaches for the laundry. Thereis a smile on her face, and soon she be.gins to whistle."

The parody's attention co detail is im-pressive. The Man at His Best section indudes an appropriately predictable arti-de on hairpieces ("Today more than amillion American men wear toupees . . .

Whoever wrote the Pete Hamill columncaptured Hamill's tough, overdramaticprose perfectly ("On this day, murderdrew me up to the hills. I pulled a rentedcar onto a sunbaked shoulder ofthe roadand sat, thinking about a man namedJ ose Enrique Menendez and his wife,Kitty"). And the editor's letter managesto outLee Eisenberg Lee Eisenberg, notan easy thing to do: "She is there when aman wakes up and she is there when hegoes to sleep. . . . She ¡s the overwhelming

source of joy, inspiration, solace, guilt,passion, frustration, and balance in hislife ...... Then "Eisenberg" reveals, at in-terminable length, the results of yetanother survey (this time male and fe-male views on marriage) before conclud-ing with the requisite "I'm proud to re-port" boast about EsquiWs most recentslew ofnominations for National Maga-zine Awards. Beautiful.

As much as it demonstrates that theart of parody is not dead, the Esquireeffort fails in some ways. It's a little broad.At times ir seems datedsmirky in themanner of, say, Playboy's Party Jokes.And one photo feature, on GeorgetteMosbacher, Gayfryd Steinberg and Caro-lyne Roehm, is utterly out of character:sharp, witty and devastating in a way thereal Esquire hasn't been in a decade ormore. But these are minor quibbles. Theparody is fun, a lot more fun than Esquireitself.

AUGUST 1990 SPY 71

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72 SPY AUGUST 1990

l%I -1-I-I -IIL_I_.

How some die-hard Cold Warriors

and a Belgian con artist tried to

change US. policy in Africa

BY DAVID ARONSON AND DAVID KAMP

J udging from the scene in the stands, wecould have been watching a brawl fromthe Turin-Liverpool match in the 1985

Cup of Champions, or atilt-screen sequence from

P 0 L I T I C S che old Batman series, oralmost anything except agroup of foreign dignitar.

ies attending che inauguration lastspring of the president of a new nation.But that's what it was. On the playingfield, with grace and dignity, Sam Nu-joma, leader of the South-West AfricaPeople's Organization (SWAPO). was be-ing sworn in as independent Namibia'sfirst president. But up in the reviewingstand, elbows were flying like mad. Onewitness saw Angola's president, José Ed-u ardo dos Santos,"pummeli ng somebodyelse's security guard:' and James Baker,the U.S. secretary ofState, eluding a hay-maker coming from the direction of thepresident of Zaire. The Namibians, notyet accustomed to this ceremony, had notprovided enough seats in their stadiumto accommodate both the visiting dig-nitaries and thei; bodyguards; a madscramble for space quickly devolved intoan every-VI P-for-himself melee.

Baker avoided damage; liad Senator.1

esse Helms been in Baker's shoes, the es-

cape might not been so complete.Four months earlier Helms and his right.wing allies had managed to put theUnited States in the position of disap-proving of Namibian independence bysneaking a rider to a budget bill through

Congress.The rider authorized the presi-dent to halt U.S. funding for a UnitedNations team, called UNTAG, that wasoverseei ng Nami bia's peaceful, carefullynegotiated secession from South Africa.As we shall see, the basis of Helms's legis-lative gambit was bogus, a fabricationthat might have been revealed had Con.gress administered some rudimentarytests before enacting the bill into law. Butno tests were administered, and fourmonths later Jim Baker was in Wind-hoek, bobbing and weaving, trying toconvey the message Hey, Namibia - nothing

personal.Helms, like most of Capitol Hill's ex-

treme conservatives, never wanted anindependent Namibia, a country whosedominant party (SWAPO) is alignedwith Moscow. Neither do Helms and hisilk hold much affection for Namibia'sfriendly neighbor, Angola, whose Marxistgovernment is backed by Cuba and isfighting a civil war againstJonas Savim.bi's U.S.-supported UNITA (NationalUnion for the Total Independence ofAngola) guerrillas. in December 1988,Angola, Cuba and South Africa signedan agreement in which Cuba promisedto withdraw its troops from Angola bymid-1991 and South Africa agreed to al-low Namibia's independence. This dealwas not universally approved; DuncanSellars, chairman ofthe conservative In-ternational Freedom Foundation (1FF) inWash i ngcon,says that after the agreementwas signed, right-wingers thought of itas"asellout of [South Africa- controlled)Namibia and a sellout of UNITA'

Helms and a platoon of right-wingoperatives (the lobbyists at Black,Manafort, Stone & Kelly, who representUNITA, and the think-tankers at theHeritage Foundation and the 1FF) co-alesced around a piece of legislation -the rider to the budget billthat wouldhave given President Bush an excuse for

withholding Washington's funding forthe UN team in Namibia ifany evidencewas found that the Cubans were usingchemical weapons to support their Marx-ist pals in Angola. In other words, the billsaid that ifthe Conimies misbehaved inAngola, we wouldn't help pay for Na-mibia's transition to independence.

The idea for the bill was born duringa trip taken to Angola in March 1989by MicliaelJohns, the Heritage Founda-tions policy analyst for African affairs.

There he met Aridries Holst, a West Ger-man who claimed to be filming a docu-mentary about Cuba's use of chemicalweapons in Ango[a.Johns brought Holstto Washington, where the German film-maker was introduced to Helms, StateDepartment officials, lobbyists and otherconservatives likely to be moved by hisfootage, which purported to show thehorrors of chemical warfare.

For whatever reason, Holst did notimpress, and Helms's bill foundered. Tosalvage the effort, the IFF's Duncan Sel-lars refocused attention on a scientificreport Holst had commissioned fromAubin Heyndrickx, a toxicologist fromthe University of Ghent in Belgium,which substantiated Holst's claims. InJuly, Sellars brought Heyndrickx toWashington to tour the same conserva-tive network Holst had earlier traveled.The difference: Heyndrickx opinions car-ned the heft and credibility of science.

While Heyndrickx held forth, Helmsrallied his allies on the Senate ForeignRelations Committee to lash the rider toa vital appropriations bill and Black,Manafort's lobbyists hit the Hill. Andson ofa gun, with the boost Heyndrickxprovided, the plan worked: on Novem-ber 21, George Bush put his signatureon a bill containing the Cuban-chemical-warfare provision.

But what might Look like a model ofparliamentary maneuvering is more likelyan instance of ultraconservative fraud.For as it turns out, Holst is an impostorwith no serious journalistic or fllmmak-ing credentials, and Heyndrickx, onwhose reports the rider was entirelypredicated, is a publicityseeking show-boat. Heyndrickx has visited war zonesaround the worldCambodia, AI.ghanistan, Iran - in search of evidenceof chemical warftire and has tended tofind it or not find it depending on whowas supplying his funding. He once ar-gued that one of his clients, the iranianArmy, had not used chemical weaponsagainst the Iraqis because "the gases arenot in the Koran'

Heyndrickx's examination of Holst!sbomb fragments and environmentalsamples showed that chemical weaponswere used. Other chemical-weaponsexpertsone is tempted to say realchemical-weapons experts - disagree.Finland's Marjatta Rautio, who is per.haps the worlds preeminent expert in

this field, examined Heyndrickxs dataand reports. "I don't see the connectionbetween the results and the conclusions'she says. Julian Perry Robinson, seniorresearcher at the University of Sussex,doubts Heyndrickx's descriptions of thevictims' medical conditions. And AndréDe Leenheer, Heyndrickx's overseer atGhent, is frankly contemptuous. "l'vebeen studying everything in detail thathas been wrirten' De Leenheer says ofHeyndrickx's findings. "lt's a real jokerDe Leenheer says he would kick out anystudent who handed in a similar report.

Heyndrickx does have a champion ortwo in the scientific community, includ-Ing Dr. Clair Paley, a British toxicologyexpert. And according to Duncan Sel-lars, "The Soviets said his clinical analy-sis was incredibly accurate. . . . But it's nota result ola chemical bomb per se; its afirebomb." As it-turns out, Sellars's sourcefor what the Soviets said about Heyn-drickx isHeyndrickx! But curiously, anaccount of the meeting between Heyn-drickx and the Soviet scientists that ap-peared in Tass indicates that it was not

't

've been studying

everything in detail,"

De Leenheer says of Heyndrickx's

findings. it's a real jok?

Soviet scientists but yes! - Heyndrickxhimself who suggested that che residuecame from a firebomb.

The question arises, how were Wash-ington's conservatives so sure that Heyn-drickxs work was scientifically sound?Riva Levinson, one of Black, Manafortspeople on che UNITA account, says shecannot personally vouch for the Heyn.drickx repOrt. 'All I can tell you,' she says,"is that I am not a technical expert on thisissue and that other people are, whom Ilisten She referred us to Margaret Cal-houn, a freelance lobbyist who workedfor Black, Manafort and UNITA on the

Hill last summer. Calhoun shares Levin-son's ignorance of science ("When youtalk about chemical formulas, my eyesglaze over") but says that she checkedHeyndrickx out. "Duncan's probablymore of a technical expert in this' shesays. "You should talk to Duncan"

We did. Sellars told us he had hired noone to check out Heyndrickx's bomb-sitesamples but Heyndrickx himself hadsent them to che State Department andother agencies. Helms's aides at theSenate Foreign Relations Committee saythat they too relied on the State Depart-ments analysis of Heyndrickx's find-ings. So we asked the State Departmentwhether it could vouch for the report.Gary Crocker, a State Department intel-ligence officer with expertise in chemicalwarfare, indicated that the departmentstests for evidence of chemical coritami-nation in Heyridrickxs samples werenegative. In other words, this significantpiece of legislation was passed with nocredible substantiation whatsoever.

Like the lobbyists, UNITÀ can't reallysay how or whether it confirmed Heyn-drickx's findings. Heider Mondabe,UNIT&S man in Washington, told ushe had visited a "university of chemicalwarfare" in Switzerland to discuss Heyn-drickx's work, but he could not remem-ber the name or location of the univer-sity We called che military attaché to theSwiss embassy ¡n Paris for help; he saidthat no such university exists, that nosuch studies are undertaken at any of theSwiss universities. When we called Mon-dabe a week later to see whether he'dremembered the name of the universihe said no, he still didn't remember, andHey, do you guys really have to mention the

Swiss #niversi/y in your article?

Duncan Sellars remains unfazed byhis star witness's impeached authority."The questions raised have been argu-mencs attempting to attack his personalcredibility he says stalwartly. Fortunate-ly, che State Department has wised up.Is Heyndrickx a charlatan? "I have nodoubt about that' says Gary Crocker."That's for surer But a year ago thefindings oían easily debunked professorwere regarded as gospel by gulliblepolicymakers, a mistake that could berectified only by dispatchingJim Bakerto Windhoek, just to show the Namibi-ans that we were sorry we had been suchsoreheads about their independence. )

AUGUST 1990 SPY 73

Li l%J - _ I I I-I The hen just squawks when shes trying to pr ItWould give us pause iíshe knew how to say it.

F : wc

ACROSS

1. As lar as I know, no oiw ¿ets U muchsympathy br windshield kills. Certainly notanyone who has ever caught a beetle ¡n themouth at high speed. Can we justify the high-

way slaughter ofinsects, then, on the groundsof self-defens& lt is not as though we could,if we chose, hurtle along dashing the brainsout oftiny flying vegetables instead. And it ishard to imagine how a humane windshieldwould work. (A friend of mine who used aHavahart trap to catch woodchucks eatinghis garden says the catch comes when youopen the trap alongside some peaceful coun-try lane and release the captive. Instead ofscampering offgratefully into a new life, thewoodchuck tends to give you as many nastybites as possible while chasing you back toyour car. As indeed would any American ofspirit, in the woodchuck's place. To bugs,however, or to creatures who depend on bugsfor nourishment, an automobile must seemhighly insensitive at best. All we want, ofcourse, is not to have to deal witl individuallyfascinating members ofthe insect kingdom -creatures, I needn't mention, with perfect lit-tic faceswho are usc trying to go abouttheir business when all of a sudden here wecome wh0000ing down the pike belchingfumes and laying waste to all before us. Somefriends of mine in college were tootling alongblithely toward Daytona once when a gorgedbuzzard came through their windshield. ltmade them realize how one-sided this modeof interface with nature usually is.9, Limb and lap rearranged ("dance").17. Dog-do and oPer rearranged ("toss"). In-

cidentally, ifyou'rc thinking oftaking in thatmovie The Cook, the 'I'hief His Wife and HerLover because you read that the opening sceneinvolves the smearing of someone with dog-do, don't. The movie gets less life-enhancingafter that. My feeling is that Peter Greenaway,the director, was a veal calfor a windshield-impacted bugor a vivisected dog in his previ-ous life, which left him with a had taste in hismouth for humanit But no, he needs a bet-ter excuse than that.18, The even pigs are the one who stayedhome and the one who had none. Porky isodd, for a pig, because he wears clothes abovethe waist, has a waist and stutters.24. What do you get when you cross Lassiewith a pit hull? A dog that will chew your faceoffand run for help.26. Let's give this a reprise and think it over:

74 sPY AUGUST 1990

Okay, it's anthropomorphic. But maybe ifyou asked a chicken whether it was anthropo-morphic, and the chicken could somehow getthe drift ofyour question, the chicken wouldsa) "No, it's not! lt's not! BWAK! BWAK! It's

simpatico! BWAAK! lt's moving!"

1. 'I'hese clues are getting too easy. A chicken,with some training, could have figured thisone out. If you have traveled at all widely inthis country, you have seen chickens in cageswho dance or sell postcards or play basket-ball. A quarter dropped into the slot be-side the cage makes a noise that notifies thechicken that ilshe hops up on a turntable andshuffles (what she is doing is scratching in-stinctively I'm told you can't train a chickennot co scratch around when she is antici-pating food), or pulls a postcard-dispensinglever with her beak, or pecks at a Ping-Pongball so that it flies toward a hoop, she will au-

tomatically get some corn. If the Americanpeople can be conditioned to vote for RonaldReagan, George Bush and Dan Quayle, thenI don't see why a chicken couldn't he condi-tioned to work a crossword puzzle.2, AP Cwire service") plus pending.3. Bra plus VA. The feminine of bravo.4. Garn plus bit.

6. Coal ("fossil fuel") plus e (for energy) plusiced (the abbreviation for Decernberc hack-

wardcoming up").& Itoat rearranged ("somehow").17, Etiedei rearranged ("sort of) about A,which is the top grade in school, if not inmunicipal bonds.22. 'Thwards ('in the direction of") withoutWI?. In The Devilr Dictionary Ambrose Biercedefined edible as "good to eat, and wholesometo digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to asnake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and aman to a worm' I still like barbecue. )

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M A N E A T i N G B E A S TSM I III T I E IsilliÀ N IMALIC ACKER S

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$ I I I . I I U I .L I .,

A' Y O U R B R O C O L I

E OUM !I.I.!IÌ!ALASSIE 'LEJONINEs o i A L P V R

TOSAY'IIT 'OlYiST1EIRlS

Jacoby & Meyers gets just about all

the respect it deserves

s y R ON K L L L E Y

The white-shoe firms in any professiontend to have little regard for the arrivisteswho find opportunity and then fortune in

those dim, unglamorouscorners in which the old

L A W pros cant bring themselvesto labor. Mike Milken, forexample, earned the dis-

dam of Wall Street's staid investmentbankers less for the felonies he corn-mitted than for lending money to com-parues the big firms thought unworthyof credit and for coming up with an in-novative way to raise capital. in the legalprofession, the scorned newcomers arethe fast-food law firm ofJacoby & Meyers.

Though innumerable law firms havetaken advantage of the 1977 SupremeCourt decision that opened the door forlawyers to advertise on television - onegets the impression that half the UHFstations in America would go broke ifthey could no longer run commercials forschools that teach people how to drivetractor-trailers and for attorneys interest-ed in profiting from that ugly case ofwhiplash you've gotnone has beenmore assiduous in inflicting itselfon theconsciousness ofthe nation than Jacoby& Meyers. And it will come as no sur-prise that the firm's amateurish commet-cials are a fitting vehicle for the nutty,uncorporate behavior of its cofounders,

Founded in 1972 by two young UCLAlaw graduates, Len Jacoby and SteveMeyers, the firm aimed to provide quick,inexpensive legal advice for what the twopartners considered their "legal niche"the supposedly unrepresented middle

class. Although the firm has been suc-cessful in this mission o the extent thatit handled some 175,000 clients and did$42 million ofbusiness last year, earningmost out from divorcing spouses, drunkdrivers and other clients with routineproblems, its name has become a punchline, not merely within the legal commu-nity but for stand-up comics as well.

Born ofthe same commercial impulsethat has given us H&R Block tax advisersfrom coast to coast - that is, America: Lei

a modestly competent professional handle your

modestly difficuilt problem for a modest feeJ acoby & Meyers has not attained Blocksimage of stodgy respectability and de-pendability. One reason may be the ad-vertisements themselves. While theavuncular Henry Bloch can look you inche eye, offer a common-sense tax tip andpromise that ifhe screws up, he'll pay thepenalty, the prospect ofajacoby & Mey.ers smoothy accompanying you througha divorce or arraignment is likely to in-duce cringing.

Of course, another reason Jacoby &Meyers hasn't quite attained legitimacy

hen it comes to flirting, Meyers,

who is married, is a hands-on

practitioner "Very touchie-feelie,"

says one ex-employee

inside the legal community has to dowith the fact that neither of the firmsowners has practiced law in years andthey conduct themselves in a mannerreminiscent of a wacky Fox Network sit-corn . When Len and Steve open up their own

lawfirm . . . watch the bighjinks begin!MeetSteve. . . . From his office injacoby

& Meyerss East Coast headquarters inmidtown Manhattan, Steve Meyers over-sees financial strategy, at least when hesnot regaling female employees with alibidinal playfulness that belies his appear-ance, which is that ofa paunchy, middle-

aged accountant. According to these worn-en, when it comes to flirting, Meyers, whois married, is a hands-on practitioner. "Verytouchie-feelie. His hands tend to stray saysone ex-ernployee. "Not that I want himtouching me at a11' she adds. The parcic-ular method with which Meyers tries to en-dear himself to his female employeesdepends upon their statusa higher-upinightget asked out for after-work drinks,while a mere secretary merits having herneck rubbed.

Meyers's passion for women is equaledby his need for chewinggurn. "He used tobe a three-ashtray-a-day smoker, but nowhe chews golf-ball-size pieces ofgum ¡n-stead' says one employee. "As the dayprogresses, the wad gets bigger and big-ger until he can barely close his mouth'In fact, Meyers's chomping became soaggressive in the fall of 1988 that he actu-ally dislocated his jaw and had to taketime off from work co recuperate.

But he isn't so compulsive that he can't

stop chewing occasionally. Once, whiledining at Le Cirque, Meyers, with all thegrace of a four-year-old, took the gumfrom his mouth and - ibwunk - ploppedthe well-masticated wad onto his Li-

mogesware bread plate. Later aftermopping up the last ofhis Mornay sauce,he popped the gum back into his mouthand resumed chewing.

You'll like Len. . . . While Meyers gracesthe planet with flashes ofhis Coward-likeurbanityJacoby takes care ofthe creativeend of the businessproducing anddirecting the firm's ads - back in Los An-geles. What does he do there? In thefirm's press release, Jacoby describes atypical day: "Show biz can be a headyexperience. But don't let it fool you. Be-

hind the bright lights and Hollywoodparties lies a down-and-dirty, roll-up-your-sleeves, burn-the-midnight-oil kindof life. Up at the crack of dawn; lights,camera, action. Another day, anothershoot. Rewrite, makeup, do lunch, take ameeting, take 2, take 20, it's a wrap' Onwith the show, this is it!

Like Meyers, Jacoby cares about thefirm's image. Recently he heard that"Jacoby N. Meyers" had become the nameof a character in a porno movie, CandycLittle Sisier Sugar. "Get me that sex video!"he screamed to his publicist in New Yorkfrom his car phone somewhere on a LosAngeles freeway. The publicist, whose ex-perience included running Mr. Potato

PHOTO CREDITS

Page 2: Ron Galello, Lid. (Martin); FredericLewis hangar); AP/Wide World Photos (Trump);Haske I courtesy of Nikki Hoskell.Page 7: Cu'ver Pictures (woman); FredericLewis (down, hand, man); Smeal/Ron Golella,Ltd. (Madonna).Page 8: AlIen Olivo/London Features Intl.(tombstone).Page 10: Gigi Benson (Benson); Slick Lawson(BIouni(.Page 20: Ewing Galloway (Naked City bond);Ron Galello, Ltd. (Kravis); Diana Walker!Gamma Liaison (Noonan); «XBS Records (Joel).Page 21 : AP/Wide World Photos (Bronx).Page 22: AP/Wide World Photos (Gehn9).Page 24: H. Armstrong Roberts babies); SaraBarrett (Monheit).Page 26: UPI/Bettmonn Newsphotos (Milken);Ron Galella, Ltd. (Gabor); AP/Wide WorldPhotos Gorbachev).Page 8: Photofest (Fell); AP/Wide WorldPhotos (Maples); Ralph Dominguez/GlobePhotos (Hall, Depp); Carol Halebian/GammoLiaison (Ritter); David Koppel/London FeaturesIntl. (Soto); Donna Zwieg/Gomma Liaison(Stevens).Page 30: Bob Evans/LGI (Smith); ©WoltDisney Produclïonis from the Museum of ModernArt/Film Stills Archive (Donald Duck).Page 33: H. Armstrong Roberts (pen).Page 36: Smeal/Ron Golello, Ltd. (Ovitz); RonGoblIn, Ltd. (Brown).Page 42: Courtesy of The New York Times.Page 44: Diego Goldberg/Sygma (McEnroe);©A.M.P.A.S.® (Kirkland, Weaver) shot by BillSteele.Page 45: Albert Ferreïra/DMI (Young).Page 46: Richard Pasley/LGI Little Richard);John Roca/LGI (Cher); Ron Galella, Ltd.(Kennedy).Page 47: David Lee (Lee); AP/Wide WorldPhotos (Bokker).Page 50: Ron Galello, Ltd. (top and bottomTrumps); Ted Thai/Sygma (middle Trump).Page 52: NY Daily News Photo (Smith); RandyBocen/Ron Galello, Ltd. )lvana Trump); GlobePhotos (Hernandez ; Anthony Savignano/RonGalella, Ltd. (Dona d Trump); Ron Golello, Ltd.)Taj Mahal).Page 53: AP/Wide World Photos (yards);Michael Baytoff/Block Star (Trump).Page 54: ©New York Posi (Suzy).Page 55: Ron Galella, Ltd. (Trump); AP/WideWorld Photos (Kempton).Page 56: Marina Gamier (Sterns); JohnChiasson/Gamma Liaison (top Trump); RonGalella, Ltd. (bottom Trump head, couple'sbodies); Randy Bauer/Ron Galella, Ltd.(Maples); UPI/Bettmann Newsphotos (Morito);AP/Wide World Photos (bottom Trump body).Page 57: Ron Golella, Ltd. Donald Trumphead); Randy Bauer/Ran Ga ella, Ltd. (IvanoTrump head); Smeal/Ron Galella, Ltd. (bodies).Page 62: Culver Pictures (heart, hand).Page 63: Bettmorrn Archive (head); CulverPïctures (skull).Page 65: Nikki Haskell's hair and makeup byHiro and Greco For La Coupe.Page 66: Marina Gamier (Guest); all otherscourtesy of Nikki Haskell.Page 67: Marina Gornier (Hemingway,Blame, Grubman); Patrick McMullen (Forbes,Hay); Andrew Galindo/London Features Intl.(Neiman); Andrew Galindo (Von Furstenberg);Trump courtesy oí Nikki Haskel).Page 68: Marino Gamier (right Guest, bothHays); Ron Galella, Ltd. (left Guest); Stephen P.Allen/Gamma Liaison (left Lull); AlbertFerreira/DMI (right Luft); Patrick McMullan( Heatherton); Loura Luongo/Peter C. Borsari(Carr); Allen courtesy of Nikki Hoskell.Page 78-79: Patrick McMullen (Hernondez,Dem, Brenner); Randy Bouer/Ron Galella, Ltd.(Trump siblings); KellyJordan/Ron Gabun, Ltd.(Dr. Ruth, Cassini); Rose Hartmon (Coleman);Ron Golella, Ltd. (Robert Trump, Perelmon).

AUGUST 1990 SPY 75

Head for mayor ofBolse, tracked down acopy of the film. Was Jacoby concernedthat Candy's Little Sister, Sugar might offera negative portrayal of the firm? WasJacoby considering filing suit against theproducers? No, says one associate. "Lenjust wanted to watch ir. He was thrilled.'J acoby flew into New York, whereuponhe, Meyers and comparatively invisiblepartner Gail Koff cleared time froma busy round of meetings in order toanxiously screen the video. Both Jacobyand Meyers later ordered personal keep-sake copies.

Meet their little worn - oops' - their in-visible partner Gail. . . . Although MeyersandJacoby like to think ofthemselves asfacing life with, as one source puts it, ajerry Rubinesque attitude"a vaguestatement that in practice means partnerGail Koff can nurse her baby at boardmeetings - their progressivism does notextend to putting her name on the shin-gle. (To be fair, Jacoby did once suggestusing an amalgam of the three partners'names Jack-Me-Off and Associates -but he was voted down.)

Koff is a rumpled woman who wearsher grey hair in long, Earth Motherly

fashion. This has not kept her from func-tioning as the firm's spokesperson andappearing occasionally on the morningshows to discuss her book Love and theLaw or her experience as a working momin a commuter marriage. But what Koffreally likes to talk about is her cherishedprenuptial agreementexcept, that is,for the part that describes their sexualrelationship.

Another ofKofTs duties is to cohost aradio show with Meyers on WFAS insuburban Westchester County. On onememorable broadcast about legal aspectsof rape, they discussed sodomy. The twoattorneys found this topic infinitelyamusing and nattered on about theterm's literal definition. "They were like a

couple of teenagers looking at dirty pic-tures' says a colleague. "They were almostthrown offthe air:' After the show an an-gry program director gave the two a sternlecture and warned them to shape up.Still, that warning has not pressuredMeyers and Koffinto preparing carefullyfor the program. Kofftold the not ex-actly reassured program director, "We'lljust wing it" a phrase that Henry Blochis unlikely to have uttered in his life.

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II

Li

Are we aware of everything

we','c biting into?

BY RONT JR."Animal-rights people may be going toofar' George Bush said recently. "One pro-tester down in Beeville [Texas) when we

went quail hunting lastT H E U N .

year had bright-orangeBRITISHCROSSWORD hair. Shedroveup inabig

P U Z Z L E Mercedes with leathersea ts'

Well, I don't know what Bush drove upin (though I'll bet that woman knowswhat he can do with himselfand it), buthe must know that some hunters evidentlyfeel entitled to shoot anything that isn'tbright orange, so the only alternative tobright-orange hair around hunters isbright-orange clothing, which wouldhave made even Natty Bumppo look likea dufus. and won't wash out.

All of which leaves a great deal to besaid about just what animals are entitledto-

Recently I spoke with an animal-rightsactivist in Paducah, Kentucky, who citeda remark by Paul McCartney to theeffect that he, McCartney, would nevereat anything that ever had a face as onethat has radicalized many people on thisissue. Certainly that remark gives ussomething to think about while stuffingour own faces with, say, hamburgers.

It is my own feelingand i believeanyone who has spent as much as a dayor two around cattle will agreethat ofall the faces in creation, a cow's is one ofthe least aspiring-looking or even register-

ing-looking faces you're ever likely to tryto elicit any signs of attentiveness from,

(I dont have space hereto explore the whole mat-ter of bovine flatulence,which adds a consider-able amount of green-ho u s e - e ife c t - i n d u c i n g

methane to the air butmay well provide a cowwith a great deal of itspleasure in life.) But thenpeople like me, whdvespent as much as a day or(wo around cattleespe-cially what are knowntendentiously as 'beefcattle"are likely to bebiased.

I have two other biases,myself. One is that I was

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raised by a mother whofelt sorry for everything ("Oh, look at thatlittle rock over there, all by itself"). Notonly does my family bristle at the ideaofhurting domestic animals, we feel badabout leaving off petting them beforethey're wholly satisfied. You could petany animal I've ever lived with (chickensasideand even they had names) untilthe cows came home, and it would stilllook put out when you stopped - even if,in the case ola cat I could mention, youstopped because the animal had bit you.

My other bias is that I, like everyanimal l've ever lived with except myformer horse 011ie, like meat. Don't eatas much as I used to, but out of consid-eration for my insides, not for animals'faces.

Once, I toured a chicken-processingplant. Since i started at the end and wentbackward, it appeared to be a chicken-assembly plant. I tried to give sufficientweight co the plight of the chickens, butwhat struck me more forcefully was theplight oltbe people working on the line.

One flicked a bit of chicken guts on meas we passed, and i could see her point.

lt's an evasive and highly unoriginalcriticism ofthe animal-rights movementthat there are still plenty of more press-ing human-rights issues, hut it's worthmentioning that Southern Exposure won a1990 National Magazine Award for astory by Barbara Goldoftas on broiler-chicken-industry employees. "Job titles:'she wrote, "sound borrowed from Doctor

Seuss: gut drawers, liver pullers, gizzardcutters, skin rollers, thigh-bone poppers,lung gunners. . . . Some say they repeattheir tasks as often as 90 times a minute,40,000 times a day:'

Goldoftas says about half the brand-name chickens we buy are contaminatedwith salmonella, because of the pace atwhich the disassemblers, paid around$5.35 an hour, must operate. Perhapsthis is one more reason not to eat meat.However, people presumably take chick.en-processing jobs because no betterones are available. I'd rather be a personwho told these workers, "We're im prov-ing the chicken handlers' lot:' than onewho told them, "We're eliminating iC

At any rate, there is more than oneface involved in every animal we eat. Sofar I am willing to eat them anyway.(Most chickens and cows are alive onlybecause they are eventually to be eaten.)But it hasn't been long since most chick-ens were free-range, and each was an in-dividual problem to dispatch, and presi-dents fttced up to larger matters thanprotesters' styles and their own right toshoot birds and not eat broccoli.

ACROSS

1. Old VW that

won't go has spot on

the windshield. (4,3)

5. I-lead grows on

palm. (7)

9. Dance of limb and

lap - it soothes

chaps. (3,4)

lo. A line of talk and

a short laugh for a

Native American

tribe. (7)

11. Overfamiliar

tigers. or just a guy

downing 27? (3-6,6)

12. With 14, Marxist

production of bestial

snacks. (6,8)

17. Toss dog-do

der well-meaning

type. (2-6)

18. The one who

went to the market,

or the oe who had

roast beef, or the one

who went wee-wee-

wee. ..or, let's face it,

Porky. (3,3)

21. What the

president's mom

saidhut he prefers

that pigs die to sate

his appetite. (3,4,8)

24. "When a

laddie meets

_______:' (1,6)

25. Lionlike

Durocher leads

baseball team. (7)

26. The hen just

squawks when shes

trying to pray.

It/Would give us

pause if she

knew how

________. (2,3,2)

A niwers appwr O?! PÓ,g 74.

27. Bivalves chew up

Roy and Tess. (7)

DOWN

1. Flip lid over

Emma? Tough

choice. (7)

2. Wire service,

while awaiting,

adding on. (9)

3. Underwear,

Virginia, for tribute

to diva? (5)

4. Ploy gets leg

chomped. (6)

5. Horses or people

with cards? (8)

6. United fossil-fuel

energy? Decembers

coming up. (9)

7. Approaches

northern listeners. (5)

8. Its oats, somehow,

for these believers. (7)

13. Seductively loose

morals? You? (9)

15. Crazy ex-P.l.

loves dynamite,

for instance. (9)

16. Drunkenly, Red

& me overeat

venison. (4,4)

17. Sort of

études about

top-grade Oriental?

Precisely. (3,4)

19. Those who profit

from dives. (7)

20. Brother goes

around sick with pot

scrubber. (6)

22. Without wide

receiver, in the

direction of

reptiles. (5)

23. Trims digestive

organs of fowl. (5)

AUGU 1990 SPY 77

At the White House Correspondents' dinner, Time magazine guest and Trump toy Maria Maplesdemonstrates her extraordinary range ofemotion in conversation with datejack McDonaid, aWashington Post photographer, and her business manager.

Having handed his iuggage offto an incon-spicuous blond decoy, and wearing darkglasses a nd reasonably presentable clothesas a disguise, New York Poit editor JerryNachman manages to check in at theWashington Hilton without being mobbedas he prepares to attend the Correspon-dents' dinner. Later that evening, Nachmanfaces the crowds sans shades and enjoys theadulation of many important Americanpolicymakers, among them Guardian An-gels Curtis and Lisa Sliwa.

HOÌBLOODED Keith Hernandez at Red Zone,

SYLVIA MILES OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY?At a movie premiere, actress-survivor-lalapaloozaSally Kirkland baffles onlookers and photographerswith her full-length, live-action mug shot.

78 SPY AUGUST 1990

At Rick NewmansNew York, success-ful comedian DavidBrenner apparentlytries to convince askeptical blond thatnot-all-that-successftilcomedian RichardBelzer really is a niceguy and that she real-iy should consider go-ing out with him.

the moment before his eyes started spinning in their sockets

LOVE HANDLES A new haut monde greeting ritual? A one-handedHeimlich? A polite way to tell someone he's as wise as Buddha?Reall really safe sex? Prominent New Yorkers have been observedlately holding other people's belliespeople such as muitime-dia self-help adviser Nancy Friday (with her husband, Wall StreetJ ournal managing editor Norman Pearlstine) and working wifeCarolyne Roehm (with socialite war criminal Henry Kissinger).Ofcourse, as with all up-to-the-minute phenomena, leave it to LizSmith to get it wrong and hold her own belly.

Perhaps Imelda Marcos got the idea.

tè:: from her codefendant Adnan Khashog-gi, the alleged cover-up man and fake

-

.-._- . regular guy who rides to the courthouseon the Lexington Avenue IRT, or maybeit's just the endurance, through thickand thin, of her seventies-disco-queen

- sensibilitybut the Filipino exdragondy, along with her Village Peoplestyle attorney, Gerry Spence, likesbe dropped off at court in a wicked-cool black van.

-k\'T:,4 !

/1;

THEIR BROTHERS'Iand smoke poured from his ears. KEEPERS At a Random

House book party at theMetropolitan Club, An-glophile publishing ty-coon S. I. NewhouseJr.endures the pesky chit-chat of his

unglamor-

I

:' er Donald.

51UT- -"

casino, Trump siblingsRobert andJudge Mary-

.

.anneTrumpsilentlyput

-

up with che trademark"Who invited them?"

_____ Ir fjokesmanship of their

I brother Donald.

j1á

PUBLICITY DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION l)espiteIts inarguablc public-relations value, kissing forthe camera is a risky proposition; it's difficultto do without looking disfigured (see 1, sex

munchkin Dr. Ruth) or apelike (see 2. faux-Kennedy Arnold Schwarzenegger aiming hismouth at Neil Sedaka look-alike Ronald Pere!-man). But it's tricky not just for the kisser; thereluctant kissee must try to remain composed,staring cordially at the camera as ifclamrny lipswere not pressingagainst his or her head (see 3,virtuous grande dame Kitty Carlisle Hart withLiz Smith Tote Board regular Cy Coleman, and4, rerro-chic-swimwear designer Oleg Cassiniwith former Rat Pack mol! Pat Kennedy Law-ford). Avoid at al! costs, though. the impulse cokeep smiling while being kissed (see 5. Ca-rolyne Roehm with real designer Oscar de laRena, and 6, Laura Dem with a sharp-toothedfan), which can result in the need for expensiveand painful dental work. And whatever you do,no matter how repugnant the public kiss, do notattempt to vipe it off while photographers arepresent (see 7, Robert Trump, evidently reelingfrom a brotherly smooch).

AUGUST 1991) SPY 79

Adams, Cindy. ¿'. ) L

Agossi, Andre.Ais Thin9 Considered. V)AIIon, Peter, ()Allende, SoIodor, 45A .

Arclot, Yasir, 38Art in America. I 2

Astor. Brook. 37Bake,, JD,nes

eIudin punch. 72Bokker. Tommy 4(Boehart, Rchcrd, 3()

8atmon, , 72SSC, ..

Bc3?Ie, thc 46Beøtty, Warren, 3()Bergen, Edqor, 32Bicrce, Ambrose, 1

Dijon, (Block, Manoort. StQne & Kelly, 72-73Bloch, Henry.erum, David.Bocky, lyon

I ina! laundry arr1nnwrIts of. 8Bonet, Liso. 218onre of the VonitL, 21Bono,

Uork. Robert, I.ßrondø. Morion, 24, 36. 44. 47Brandt, Anthony

rin:nhLc lx,wd ij, 62

Brcnson, Micho,I, 12S,e. G.org.. 47Brilisteirn, Bernie 8

Brinkley Cinraftie, 20Rrody, Jon 31)

Brown, TIno, 21.30.i'.rnrg correspondence of. 36-38

Broyord Anatols. 62Broyles. William Jr., 60

Bruckhelme,, Jerryusán ,icon to pick up chicks. 40

Bryant, N.lsonInx) Ia: I .11 n Inc sip ut his finger. 61

Buchonon, Edno, 2t3Rucho,non, Tom. 45Binh, Borboro 30Bush, Georg., I?. 19-21.72.74.76Cole, JohnS .' I

Conby, VLnc5nt, 30Corg Robert, 30Ccrter Jimmy. 47Cossini, Okg. .9Castro, FdeI, 30Cheney, Dick, 14.22Che,

.: ncin Iii« . Serious 3dEC55. 46

Chlcog aldermendemanding trcdmil1s andc'anuonirv bicycics. 8

Christgou, Robert. 47Clote, Glenn, -5

Colocello, Bob, 37

Collins. Jackie, 68Columbia Pictunei, 37

Cony. tert,Cosmopolifenn,Coyenont House. I

Cranston. Alon, XCreotiyc Aeists Agency. 36Cruise. Torn,

D'A.moto, Alfons., 24. 47Doily Hee's, I . 't)Davis, Sornnny Jr., 8. 70bcTys of Thunder

(I-01 .) L)IX c,;çeç of.de Ici Renta, Oscar. 79

oepp, Johnny. 26Dent, Lauro.Dick Trac-y. X

Dirikin, DtnLd. 'Discore,, 24Dole, 8ob. 46Dowd, Maureen, 30. 42Downey. Robert Jr., 24Drexel Burnbarn Lmbert, 66Dukakis, MichI. 17Duke, Doris, 5l

MT: 555' AUGUST 1990

Dunn., John Gregory, 63Durocher, Leo, 44. 77Dyktro, Lenny, 22Dylan, Bob, 46Eostwood, 30Ebert, Roger. 70

Eitenber9, Le., 60.71Ellison, Ralph. 13Esquire. 47. 60-63

.'J.psrodyingJtine issue of, 71Esaterhos, Joe, 7

Evoins, Harry. 3(')Evens, ioni, 34Exxon Valdez, 21

Eyewitness News, 24Fob,Ìce, XFelk*r, Clay

mercurial ino1ierene ol 52Fisher, Carrie, 0Filr,atcr, Marlin, 14Flonders, Annie, 21Fcwbes mogoxini.. 50

Forbes, Malcolm, 66curiously eftusive letter w La Toya

lakson. 20-21Ford, Harrison, 30Foestonane, Ted

disingenuous 1.130 protests of, 16Frankel, Moi 30. 42Friday, Nancy, 78Gebor, Zio Zso, 28Gorvey, Steve, 22GeHen, DoM, 37Gelb, Arthar

.' ,':n expert on Central America. 28Cere, Richard, i 1Gibson, Mel, 24. 71Gingrich, Newt, 47Glenn, John, X

Glirecher. Arnie, 37Godord. ieon.Luc, 21

Goldbergcr, Paul, 47Goldblure, Jsff

n rinsiat on of. I SGolub, Richord, 16Good Mining America. 2

Gorbachev, Mikhoil, X. 2XGore, Al, ,

Gottlib, Robrt, 2 IGoulet, Robeyt, S

Graf, Steffi, 24Grant, Cory. 44

Grooms, Red, 24Guben, Peter, IGuest, Cornelio, 66, 68Hall, Doryl, 4)Hall, Monty, 26Hornill, Pete, 47, 71Ha,per'c, f,2Hort, Kitty Carll,lc, 79Hoskill, Nikki, 6 t-68

reCJvini5 nnjc'cTion,s of pregnwomens urine. 66sd1in pills tn Ea Gabor. 66

Houer, Rutgee, 30Hovohrt woodchuck trap, 74Hovel, Voclac, '-í

Hoy, R. Couri, 67-68on relutivt' calories ¿champagnes. 66

Hayes, Woody, 45Heatherton, Jo.n, 66. 68Heller, Joseph, 61-62Helms, Jest., 72Hclnnsley, Harry and Leona,

'

Henderson, Rickey, 22Hen5on, Jim.

Hepburn, Katharine, (J

Hcritoge Fouridotlon, 72Hcrmon, Pe-e.ceee, 7

Hernander, Keith, 52, 78Hershey, Barbaro, 21Hitchcock, Alfred, 21Hitler, Adolph, 30Houston Chron4cl., The, 42Howell, Chaunc.y, 24Jockson, Jesse, l7Jackson, Lo Toyo, 20-21Jockson, Reggie, 16

Jocoby, Len, 74-76

-I-I-I :

Iv

4tJJames, Caryn

bitter at havin8 not seen MelGibson's bure behind, 71

Jomes, Rick, (',6

Jonklow, Angelo, 37jacklow, Morto 37

Jennings, Peter, 16Joel, Billy, 20Johnson, Bonio, S

Johnson, Beverly, (,1.Johnson, Lyndon Bojes, (2Johnson, Philip, 37Jonc,, Baird, (ilKoel, Pculïnc, 17Keotir,g, Charlex. i'Kennpton, Murrny, 55Kennedy. Joe, i I

Kennedy, Ted, I 8, 20,47Khoshoggi, Adnon, 79Kimmclrnon, Michael, 12. 70Kinski, Klaus

I 61 yuu ., i vIILOUfltetS ol; 34

Kirklond, Sally, 14-45, 78Kissinger, Henry, 37, 78Klein, Colvin, 37Kluge, Patricio, 13.21

'x'arly killed in a Ringe Rover. :Koch, Ed,Kohlbcrg Krank Roberts, 16Kornbluth, Jesse,

Kovitsky, Judge Myronis u bluck man, 21

Kragen, Ken, I I

Kramer, Mimi, 71Kravis, Henry, 20Krory Glue, 65Kristof, Nicholas, 30KY, Nguyen Coo, 46

Loge-feld, Karlre6.li. ndorof. 7

Laphom, Lewis, 30Lassie,

Lowfo,d, Pot Kennedy, ')

le Carré, John, 37Le Cirque, 67-68, 7)Lee, Spike. 44,47Lelboviti, Annie, 36Levinson, Barry, 37Lewis, Jerry, t

Lincoln Savings and Loon, SUtIle Richard, -16

Luft, Lomo, (,Ú. 68Lumet, Sidney, 37MacDonald, Jef4rey, 20MacDowell, Malcolm, (XMadonna

unruly breasts of, 8Mailer, Norman, 44Malle, LouIs, 7

Man Roy, 37

Monson, Charlie, 7Maples, Marlo, 26. 50. 56

emotional runge of, 78Marcos, Imelda, 79MorgeIlcIt, David, 30Martin, BIlly, 22, 46Mason, C. Vernon, 8, 56

McCorttny, Ccrlk, 32McCorthy, Eugene, 46McCartney, Roui

not eai*n food chat had a mcc, 76McDonold, Erroll

LI.,rtrl:t', lori Evans, 34McGinnlss, Joe

u.sconishin8 chutzpah o(. 20Mclncrney, Joy, 47Mehls, Sorny, 21Mermon, Ethel, I

Metropolitan Muteunn 01 ArI, I 2, 24

Moyen, Stay., 7-i- . 5

guni-chcwing tfllUnY of. 75MGM, lMilker, Michael, 28. '-1Milton, 60, 71Mirabelle,, í4

Mirobella, Grace, 21Monroe, Marilyn, '.Morito, Aldo, s6Mosboclier, Robert, X

Moynihon, Doniel Patrick, :1Murdoch, Rupert,Museum of Contemporary Art, SMuseum at the City of New York, 2 1

Hachmarn, Jerry,'

. 'M

NASA, M

Notion, 61National Magazine Awards, I-. I .

Navasky, Victor, (lHcw York, 61,Hew York Post, (>-4, 78Hew York Review of 800, 4)P4ew York Thiies, The, 12, 16, 30, 34.

42. t. 61,70-71New York TImes Mogozh,., The, 38,

60. (2, 71New York UnIversIty, 42New Yo4cer, The, I

Newhouse, Donald, ".1Newhouse, S. I. Jr., .31 , 5.1, 7)

Newsweek, i 2

Newton, Wrjyne, SNixon, Richard, 32, 44. 46-47Noonan, Pe9gy

loyalty olquentioned by FBI. 2(1Norwich, WIllilom, 10O'Connor. Sandro Dey, 14OMalIey. Wolter, 47Oldmon, Gory, 2Optiuchc Fenomerven, I I . 17

Ornsteiti, Norman, 11, 130»iti, Mike, 36-38PonAnn, 11.66

Pc-crIstino, Nornian, 78People, 2

Perelrnon, Ronald,Peters, Jon,

Phoenix House, 4M

Playboy, 71

Porky Pig, 74Premiere, 38Presley, FIvIs, 30

PrIce, Judy, I

Princes; Diano, 7

Puttnani, DeM, 37Quayl,, Dan, 47. 63. 74Queen Mary, 8y and the Mytteriont, 46Random House, 3-l. 79Reagan, Nancy, 47Reogon, Ronold, 20. 74Redgrove, Vanessa, 47Reon, Donald, 47Rich, Frank, iRichard 10, 2 .. . ., 5

Rlchord',on, Elliot, 47RIchmond, Fred, 14RItter, Father Bruce, 11-12, 26Rltts, Hcrb, (,

RlniuI, Phil

nd clang association. 22RJR Nabisco, 46

Robertn, Cable, 16Robertxon, Nan, 62-63Roehm, Corolyrte, 20,71.78-79Rolling Stone, 611

Rolling Stones, the, 14

Rose, Pete. .

Rostenkowski, Dan, '2 , 26Rub,,,, Jerry.Rubpnstoin, Howard J., (Sawyer, Diane, '2)Scanlon, John P., ')6

Schreiber, La Anne, 2M

Sciswarz.negger, Arnold,Sedoka, Neil, 66Seuts, Dr., T'

Shorpton, Rev. Al, 8Shown, Wllli0m, 21Shearton Lehman, SSimon 8. Schuster, 34

Simpson, Don, 37,40SIMa, Curtis and Uso, 78Smith, Liz, i 3, 30, 38, 46, 70, 78-79Snerd, Mortlnier, 32Soamet, Emmo, 21Sonstog, Susan, 62

Soto, Tolita, 26

Stollone, Sylvester, 30Steinberg, David, 0

Stelnb.rg, Goyfryd, 37, 71Steinbrenrer, George, 22, 46Stern, Leonard,Stewort, Martha, 21Stewart, Rod, 6ISting, 6 1

Strawberry. Darryl, 7, 22Sulzberg.r, Pinch

()StUI)t',IR,US frugality of. 42Taylor, Elizabeth, 21Texas Monthly, 60

Thalberg, Iming, 36, 38Thatcher, Margaret, 47Thlcu, Nguyen Van, 46This Old House, 24Tlltorn, Clnorlene, 68Tim., s8,42,78'flmes, The (London), 36Tisch, Lorry. Si

7bday, *2Tower, John G.

as Grand Pooh-Bah of Kappe

Sigma. 12Tacere, Robert, 40Trump, Donold, 30, 38. 45, 47. 50-57Trump, Fred, '61)Trump, vana, I 3, 30. 30. 52, 54. 57,

(-6XTrump, Judge Moryanne, 79Trump, Robert, 79Trump: The A.,? of (h. Deal, 47Turkel, Attn (>cT

Turow, Scan,UCLA. 74Updlke, John

psoriasis of, (toUSAir, 7

VanGogh,Vtncert, 6. '1"

Vanity Fair, '2*-6HVillage Voice, The, I 2. 4-T'

Vintage Bookn, i-)

Vogel, Speed, : I

non Furstenberg, Princc Egon, (1':

Wagner, Robert, (,6wail Street Journal, The, -16 . 'X

Wolloce, Mike, 37Wrer Bros., 21Woshington, Denrel, .1Woshingon Post, The, 1*. 7M

Wasserman, Low, .11'Wayne, John, 1): 2

Weave,, Sigourney, -:-,Weber, Bruce, i :'

Wenders, Wirr.,Westheim-er, Dr. Ruth, '9Wlll, Georte, 28WillIs, Bruce, 21

Winlield, David, 21Wlrfrey, Oprob, 36Wlntour, Arno, 21Wolfe, Tom, 2 1 62

Yankees,'

. 46-47Yosemite Sam, '15

Young, Sean, i5

Youngman, Henny, 70Zodoro, Pio, 6-

Welcome to Arrowwood, in Westchester. A stunning blend of management meeting

center and luxury resort.

We're all business when it's time for business. With conference facilities for5to 500,

multi-media AV, and an amphitheatre that could double for theater-in-the-round.

Yet we're all pleasure when it's time for that: golf course, indoor/outdoor pools and

tennis, a la carte restaurants, after-hours entertainment.

And we're just 45 minutes or less from New York's three airports and midtown

Manhattan itself.

Come look at Arrowwood soon. Or call Kristin Garbarini at (914) 939-5500.Arrowwood. Because we add so much to your

meeting, you'll take away much more. rrO1VGcJA L)ORAL I'ROPLRTY

Anderson Hill Road, Rye Brook, New York 10573