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November 1991 Contents a6

Depirthìellts

GREAT EXPECTATIONS ..............

NAKED CITY

Six-figure hanky-panky at Random Houstfuss. Steve Ross, gridiron star? Desert Storm II: The Merchandising.

, about cheerleading, Marion Brando and "Lets Get It Uipacking. Plus: could a putsch happen here? ..........Q

t.Ip_,I,

PARTYPOOP.................. Q

-

Fatiires

.. Liz Taylor's weddingI )ouglas Wilder chats1 .' Jesse Helms is sent

ThE COVERSee page 82.

MURDER, WE WROTE: SPY INVESTIGATES A HoMIcIDE

In the middle of their hitter divorce trial, PalmBeach millionaire James Sullivan's wife was mysteriously shot and killed; thewidower's behavior then and now has been mighty suspicious. The case is still

open, but the FBI is closing in, thanks tojoHN CONNOLLY'S remarkabk investigationinilii4ing a recent week as Sullivan's mansionmate .............................Q

GOD SAVE THE QUEENNOW SHE'S RELATED TO WALTER MONH Eli!

What do down-on-their-luck European gentry doh)r money? Sell their titles. Who buys them? Social-climbing Americans, of courseincluding Hugh Heiner's wife and, assisted by MICHAEL MOYNIHAN, a certain mono-cle-sporting, publicist-friendly movie reviewer .........................Q

BE HERE THEN

p. Those were the days! 1960s-styie clothes, 1940s-style movies, 1970s-stylemusic, 10,000 B.C.°sstyle Men's MovementsJAMEs COLLINS fondly recalls thenostalgia glut of 1991 .................................................Q

PLEASE LJUNT tAT MUQU URNAMENTS

These may be the 1990s, but most oftis still drive and still ai meat. TONY HENDRAhas created politically correct holiday recipes that bring nw ni aning to winier squash,mincemeat pie and median strips ........................................ :

Colifinils

LAUREEN HOBBS presents PrimeTime Liz''s dentist/coexecutive producer in TheWebs; JEFFREY RESSNER looks at Disney'c emharr;issing!y un-Disncyish Music label; CELIABRADY profiles Paramount's prodigal son in The Industry; J. J. I IIJNSECKER explores anartful conflict of interest at The Times ............................. Q

HtMPIIRY GluiriIioN edges out Eustace Tilley inReview of Reviewers; JohN Bitotii considers an unusually odd, ugly six-

month designer marriage in Divorce: Ri':ii CoIIIN Xj)OSCS the Ninja Turtles'(1mg Problems fl Crime: and Live White Male Ro BI.ouNr JR. struggles toget with the )r()grLfl1 .......................................................Q

OVAL OFFICE DIARY

George Bush compares himself with his predecessor and BartonFink. c;IoR(;I KAI.x;1RAKIs engrosses ....................................Qspy r,"\ ¡

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Giat ExpectationsWE TRY, WE FALL; WE TRY HARDER, WE FALLAGAIN; WE JUST CAN'T GET IN STEP WITH THENINETIES. WHEN IT IS REPORTED THAT A PAIR OFFlorida 19-year-olds beat a deer to deatha member of anendangered deer specieswe are momentarily horrified, sure,but when we hear that the boys have just been sentenced, re-spectively, to ten months and a year in federal prison, we aremore horrified. When it is reported that a woman in northern

-_ California has formed a lobbying group called Citi-k

zens for a Toxic Free Marin, we passingly wish herwell, but when we learn that her goal is to makepublic perfume-wearing illegal"Most peopledon't say anything. They just suffer. But I'mangry"we want to lease a crop duster and drench

her home in a thick Giorgio fog.ÇiBut the truth is, we aren'tyet experiencing the full-bore ninetieswe're still groping around

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vv iPx, we iaithe cusp between the eighties and nineties, a time of high-minded lip service and coldhearted cynicism, of cozy plati-tudes and undiminished greed, of Republicans talking likeDemocrats ("We have caring instincts," a Bush-administrationapparatchik said, discussing the homeless) and Democrats

talking like Republicans (Wilder, Tsongas), oflightweights striking earnest poses, of ClarenceThomas. When the large cosmetics companies recentlyannounced they'd be expanding their makeup lines forwomen ofcolor, the Times asked Linda Wells, the whiteed i tor of A hure (the eighties- i n to-n i neties-cusp maga-zincno-nonsense journalism about eyeliner andclutch purses), what it all means. "'X'hat is happening,"she said, "is both very superficial andimportant .

" Ç Important superficiality wthe eighties; superficial importance is thenineties. During the first halfof 1988, 93American corporations changed theirnamesmore than in any year before or

. .since. During the first half of 1991, only 462

_ companies changed names, the fewest in nearly:

. a decade. Earlier this year, Western Union be-came New Valley. It sure sounds very nowhopeful, ecological, old-fashioned. But the

:

main point was deception: because the corn-

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY5

pany is in such straits, it wants romake sure consumers won't connectthe bad news to the new name.

J erry Brown is neither verysuperticial nor very important, buthe is running for president. (Speak-ing of avoiding negative-brand-identification problems, has hethought of reverting ro EdmundBrown Jr.?) Pat Caddell, the evil po-utica! genius behind the doomedMcGovern, Hart and Biden presi-denrial campaigns, is working withBrown. ' His ego needs," says Cad-de!! of California's former governorand Linda Ronstadr's former boy-friend, "are different frm otherpoliticians'. His ability to dissociate,to step out of himself, is greatertosay, Here is a role that is important,[but one in which) if you lose, youdon't lose.' " When you put it thatway, how can voters not want to electhim presidenti (Or will they pickbachelor No. 2Bob Kerrey, Ne-braska's former governor and DebraWinger's boyfriend? Or bachelorNo. 3Wilder, Vi rginias governorand Pat Kluges former boyfriend?)

The current president has nomi-nated Robert Gates to run his CIA.As an alibi for Republican-adminis-tration officials, Ï /ont recall didn'twork in the seventies for the Water-gate criminals but worked great inthe eighties for Reagan. Gates isusing it as he tries to stonewall con-cerning the Iran-contra scam, butunfortunately he doesnt have Rea-gan's senile huggabiliry (superficiality or importanback up the memory-lapseclaims. One of his fellowCIA officials testified thathe had a conversation withGates about Iran-contra. "Ihave no recollection of itmyself," says Gates. Anotherfellow CIA official says hetold Gates Iran-contra sto-ries and remembers Gatestalking derisively aboutNorth. 1 have no recollection ofmaking those statements. ' Howabout the White House computermessage between North and a corn-patriot that referred to what Gateswas told about Iran-contra? "I do

not recall this conversation. ' Andan agenda for a White House meet-ing that mentions a ship used i!!egaily to suppiy the contras withweapons? "I have no recollection ofthis meeting. ' So the next directorof Central Intelligence either can'tremember anything or can't lie con-vincingly.

Norm Schwarzkopf says thewas pretty useless to him

last winter. And given thechoice between button-downprofessional dissemblers likeGates and jolly, impoliticbrutes like Schwarzkopf,we'll go with the killers inuniform. When we wereroiling into Kuwait on ourway to victory, Army tankssystematically plowed underhordes of Iraqis cowering intrenches. The Army's offi-

cial response: Sofucking what? ' Peo-pie somehow have the notion thatburying guys alive is nastier thanblowing them up with handgrenades or sticking them in thegut with bayonets," said the per-

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fectly named Colonel Lon Maggart."Well, it's not."

Or any nastier than nukingdiem? Asked about the problem ofcontrolling nuclear weapons as Sovi-et central authority disappears, in-relligence analyst Peter Wilsonsounded as if he were talking to areporter from My Y'eekIy Reader in-stead of the The Wall Street Journal:

"This is sort of like The Twilight

Zone. We've gone through a door,and now we're in another dimen-sion.' Marshall Goldman, directorof Harvard's Russian Research Cen-ter, was asked about the Soviet re-pub! ics' becom i ng sovereign nude-ar states. "Hey," Goldman said,"we're called the Russian ResearchCenter." In other words, thesuperficial is important.

Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,the richest human under 40, can'twatch Gorby and Yeltsin on Night-

line; Gates has made his multibil-lion-dollar fortune in the electron-ic-gadget-and-video-screen indus-try but doesn't own a TV set. Well,TV is, after all, almost exclusively

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superficial and unimportantbutGates bragged about his TV-lessness:"I doubt if I'd finish The &OnomiiI

every week if I had a TV sittingthere!" He didn't complete histhought ( . . . if! had a TV sitting there

te?liptiìlg tue with Star Trek rerwzs),but we have a winner nonetheless:Bill Gates, Geek of the Year.

If we didnt own 1'Vs, we wouldhave minimized our exposure thisfall to La Toya, the unsuccessfulJ ackson. La Toya published a mem-oir, and Jack Gordon, her ferretlikepublicist and quasi-husband, hasnearly made good on his shockingthreat that "from September to Oc-tober i 5, every news show and talkshow is going to be La Toya. " Alac-

Neu/Lehrer may be a holdout fornow, but as soon as she agrees totalk about how National SecurityCouncil staff' members used to ritu-ally spank her, watch out.

While every news show is LaToya, professional football playersare reati i A . E. Housman's poetry.New York Giant Lawrence Taylorspoke recently about his intention

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to retire before he's a wreck. "I re-member reading this poem a longtime ago," he said, "about an athletedying young." In the locker roomthe tight ends come and go, talkiiìof Brian Piccolo.

Once it was Housman and Eliot,now it's pseudocelebrity memoirsand, ub, performance art in Wiscon-sin. G. G. Alun, the 34-year-old lead

singer of the band the Toilet Rock-ers, was convicted in Milwaukee of

disorderly conduct. The jury wasn'tpersuaded that defecating onstageand throwing feces at the audiencewas constitutionally protected artis-tic expression. James Baker didnttoss his feces at reporters on his wayback from Israel recently, but hecame as close as secretaries of Statecustomarily get. With regard to Is-rad's settling the West Bank, Bakersaid, the U.S. doesn't want to "indi-cate one inch of flexibility beyondthe six points that we have proposed,which are damn forthcomingandyou can use the word damn." An im-

portant policy point, an emphaticallysuperficial punch line.

THE SNAP OF

JA!!IN THE 90's

DAVE GRUSINTHE GERSHWiN CONNFCTION

DAVID BENOITSHADOWS

CHICK COREA ELEKTRIC BANDBENEATH THE MASK

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-AvaiIabe on GRP Compact

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..\ C199 ()RP Records. Inc.

V-

IDI.I?*L M*STU.I

Kurt Andersen

Susan MorrisonxF V !Ull

B. W. Honeycutt,; )RIÁT(IC

Jamie Malanowski-

Lorraine CademartoriVV

George KalogerakisV

James Collins Joanne Gruber David KampçErnR DrTnRs

Harriet BarovickIllip nl' FF'IÁ5( II

Nickt Gostin Matthew Weingarden

Daniel Carter Marion Rosenfeld Damon TorresA5IA%I Alti i>tM.i lUll PRODr(TO EDITOC PRUI)i(lKJN A?.M)(IATS

John Brodie John Cennollyi.ir eiiu

Michael Hainey Andrea Rider (Washington)

Ted Heller Wendell Smith Wendi WilliamsPliulu iA V i-AOCIiC

Gina Duclayan

Nian Fish Brian Jacobsmeyer James Rosenthal"t\Ct5 -. . I..ttttS ti3 !t 4 0(11 A.is1A?i5

Paul Ehe Nancy Keating Andrea Lockettt i)V

Cathy Clarke Dave Moore Bill Wilsonari A' .\

Walter Monheit Laurie Rosenwald'. .

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. I)<,bA1 AMI tiMeg Cohen Robinson Everett Linda Sue Farber

Susan Homer Daniel Radosh Alden Wallace¡':ti R''

Andy Aaron, Henry Alford, Sara Barrett. Aimée Bell, Harry Benson, Barry Blut, Roy Blount Jr.,Celia Brady, E. Graydon Carter, Edward Jay Epstein, Bruce Feirstein, Drew Friedman, Tad Friend,

Fred Goodman, Humphrey Greddon. Steven Guarnaccia, Bruce Handy, Charlotte Hays, Tony Hendra,Lynn Hirschberg, Laureen Hobbs, Ann Hodgnian, J. J. Hunsecker, Howard Kaplan, Melik Kaylan,

Mark Lasswell, Susan Lehman, Natasha Lessnik, Guy Martin, Patty Marx, Patrick McMullan,Mark O'Donnell, David Owen, C. F. Payne, Joe Queenan, Steve Radlauer, Paul Rudnick, Luc Sante,

Harry Shearer, Randall Short, Paul Slansky, Richard Stengel, James Traub, Rachel Urquhart,Ellis Weiner, Philip Weiss. Anne Williamson, Ned Zeman and Edward Zuckerman, among others

(()'Riv ii,, luiIoK

Gerald L. Taylorpesvini '- nt 5.1I1R

Elaine AlimontiAI)SSK . . V'SV5iR

Adam DolginsM.vec ..........

Patty Nasey

Michael Collins Hilary Van KleeckGerry Kreger (Los Angeles, 213-933-7211)

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Geoffrey Reiss.: - .%.

Randall Stanton Jeftery Stevens,

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Susan Mitchell Kristen Rayneror,ui i. MANA(..IR A'.SISTAI pC[)(( liON MANAGOC

Jeffrey Estiloil, )OKKEEPES

Wendi Carlock Michael Lipscomb Kristall Richardson,, .... . . . ' : ANTh

Colin Brown Richard Kanar Jill Pope Ricardo Robles'rrit.v A' 'I'

Janakorin Holllngshead Rob RooneyMARKSIINV V. tfKN'

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Coutribiltors

"I'm iiitcrcsted in

slapstick; I try to getthem at their goof-iest," says phorogra-pher MARINA GARNIER,

who has taken manyof the photographs in our Party Poopsection and was the principal photog-rapher for SPY High, our paperbackyearbook parody. For this issue sheaccompanied Laird Walter of Glenea-gles to his lunch at Mortimers.

TONY HENDRA may bebest known as Ian

___________

Faith, the dissem-bling manager of Spi-nal Lp; he was alsoeditor of Natio,ia/

Lampoon during a few of its goldenyears. His holiday-roadkill recipesin this issue are part of his ongoingwork as a self-described animal-rights activist; next he begins hiscampaign to "extend the vote to allnonhuman Americans.'

MICHAEL MOYNIHAN,who in this issuewrites about hard-uparistocrats who selltheir titles, claims hehas nothing personal

against royalty"Fve just met a lotof strange Europeans. " He has writ-ten for Harperi and Cosiopo1itai,and is working on a mystery novelset in the New York art world.

rIROBERT RisKo believesa serniiìal experience

_atin the development ofhis neo-Cubist illus-

I-' tration style was his. platonic date with an

ancient Gloria Swanson, who'd in-vited him over to see her cartooncollection: "It was like NormaDesmond, only more bizarre. Shekept talking about her makeup.'Risko, whose work also appears reg-ularly in Vanity Fair and Rolling

Stone, has illustrated our PlayboyMansion foldout, our "Hizzoner!"board game and our monthly Indus-try column. )

Froiii 11w SPY iIrooiii

Some readers may not beaware of the terrible power strugglefor the editorship of si being wagedvia the United States postal system.We thought we'd explained, to ourown satisfaction, the matter of mailaddressed to a mysterious Mel

Mandell, Editor. spi' (see this spacelast month) by concluding that thisMandell fellow liad in fact run themagazine in the fifties. Yet hecontinues to receive mail here at 5Union Square Westa recent pressrelease advised him that 'machinetool builders and distributors fromthe U.S., Europe, and the Pacific Rimwere aniong the [1991 Detroit

Advanced Productivity Exposition's]353 exhibitors" and his palpablepresence around the office makes itdifficult for the more fretful amongus to take vacations or even go outfor lunch. Linger too long over thatespresso around the corner andsuddenly someone is in your chairwith his feetMe/ Mandell's feet,let's not be coyon your desk.

Or maybe they're not Mandell'safter all. Because the plot hasthickened, once again courtesy of theU.S. Mail. 'A Neuronic ReasoningMachine (NRM)which lias beendubbed a silicon brain'recentlywas introduced to the U.S. market byAnthony J. (Tony) Richter, ariAustralian who is an industrialpsychologist, inventor and

entrepreneur," began a recent queryletter from someone in Illinois. Ourinitial reactionfina//y a writer to dojustice to NRM!was almostinstantly replaced by nausea whenwe noticed whom the query wasaddressed to: Robert C. Glazier,

Editor, spy." We'll keep you postedwhíle Glazier and Mandell go at

itimaginary beings, perhaps, butwe're updating our résumés and, youknow, just sort of getting the wordout. anyway.

,,spY \OVIMBER I',').

Letters to SPY

ouIsIaHa HayWIre

Thank you for your timely and pow-erful exposé of David Duke ['Con-duct Unbecoming a Racist," by An-drea Rider, September). I've just re-turned from a vacation in Louisianaand was shocked at how widespreadthe support is for this dangerous op-

When we were both stu-dents at Louisiana State University,living in the same dorm and enrolledin ROTC as cadets, he was alreadyprovocative, irresponsible and totallyself-centered. His racism under-mined the morale of our integratedROTC unit, and he was ultimatelydismissed from the Corps.

As Hitler did in Germany in the1930s, Duke is cunningly playing onthe frustration, fears and hardships ofthe downwardly mobile whites ofLouisiana, whose economy has beenpoor since 1985 oil-market col-lapse. If he becomes governor ofLouisiana, he will immediately beginlooking beyond the stare borders.

Theodore A. Korrne-, ¿VID.

Iou'a Cuy. Iowa

Where llaffllly Is Jib i

Your rtrait of Gerald Ford ["Rent-a-President," by Philip Weiss, Au-gust} was right on the money. I hadoccasion to meet him several yearsback in Palm Springs, when I waseditor of (hold the chuckles) ModernFloor Coz.'erings magazine. Speakingto an audience of carpet kings, Fordwas a yuk a minute (rumor was hehad Bob Hope's gag writers workingfor him) but totally forgettable. Inthe receiving line afrerward, his de-meanor changed from cordial rosteely as I asked for an autograph fora friend who was then dying of can-cer and collected autographs. "Idon't give autographs," he muttered,his tone urging me to move on. It's

nice to have the real Ford laid ourfor all to see.

A'fichael KarolNeu' York

It hardly comes as a surprise thatFord doesn't spend much time hob-nobbing with the intellectual elitethese days, but rather whiles awayhis golden years in the company ofSun Belt seniles like Hope. lt seemsdoubtful chat any of our not-yet-dc-ceased former presidents spend muchtime kicking back with the guysdown at the Brookings Institution orthe other think tanks. If we look atthe men who have served in the OvalOffice over, say, the past 30 years, werealize that any one of them, exceptperhaps Kennedy, would look corn-pletely appropriate behind the wheelof a Shriner's go-cart. Carrying hisperceived anti-intellectualism to anextreme, Ford is thumbing his nose,in the only way he knows how, at theeastern establishment that made hisname synonymous with laughableineptitude. There's not much else hecan do to rise above such a past.

,John 'WyethJ:Boston, Mas.cac/,tise#s

As forJFK, maybe not behind the u heel

of a Shriner's go-cart, bier boiL.' about in

an RV. with a uct bar.2

If you were a Girl Scout injured ordying in an overturned bus, wouldn'tit be your last wish to have sweatypublicity hound Sonny Bono ['PalmSprings Future," by Philip Weiss,August] hunching over you so theparamedics couldn't reach you?

itni BaldwinSeattle, Washington

Anhthr SIdE il Boh Dyiao

The question is not "What happenedto Bob Dylan?" but "What happenedto Bob Dylan's generation?" ["The

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The news that one of BobHopes most prized possessions is aphoto of George Patton peeing intothe Rhine ("Palm Springs Past:

Grooming and Tomcatting Tips fromBob Hope," by Graydon Carter,August) rang bells with Jim Mulvoy ofBloomfield Hills, Michigan. " Enclosedis a copy of a picture I have of GeorgePatton at the Rhine," Mulvoy writes,"but it seems that he was either pre-or post-pee when my picture wastaken. Could this be the same photoMr. Hope keeps, or are there more ofthe incident?" Well, it's hard to tellfrom the grainy photocopy exactlywhat's going on. We see five guyswith rounded heads. One fellow seemsto be gesturing toward another one(offering some french fries,perhaps?). Some sort of boatorpossibly a grain bin, or a large,floating cafeteria trayis visible alittle below the five figures. And wethink we can discern a flying saucer

against a patch of sky (wallpaper? Anunfurled Ace bandage?) in the upperright-hand corner. As to whether it'sthe same photo, we feel we can't say.

"Great" article on Dylan ("TheFree-fallin' Bob Dylan," by JoeQueenan, August) is the verdict fromSujata Goetz of Croton Falls, NewYork. Great, but not perfect. "You saytwice that it was a 'cool Octoberevening,' " Goetz writes. "No itwasn't! It was very hot and humidwith rain!" And, she adds, next timewe should "ask Dylan about beingstuck in traffic after the concert andhow a golden butterfly shot out of thesky like a shooting star." No it didn't!It was more beige than golden, and atthat hour it was probably a moth!

On the other hand, Gail Hagen ofCharlotte, North Carolina, hated theDylan piece, and directed considerable

anger at the opinions expressedtherein by that "big bag of hot airnamed Milton Glaser." Poor Milton

Glaser, who, after all, only suppliedthe illustration that accompanied thearticle. ueenan is the name youwant, Ms. Hagen. Q-U-E-E-N-A-N.

The cranks were all lined up

for stamps this summer, it seems.

"Regarding your accusations against

I2SPY NOVEMIiER 9'I

Free-fallin Bob Dylan," by JoeQ ueenan, August). Dylan was alwaysa little eccentric, but after beingtouted as the voice of a generationthat has ended up as it has, the manwho wrote "Money doesn't talkitswears" must be disillusioned to thepoint that even he canOt take himselfseriously anymore.

Gary LeeMarietta, Georgia

Dylan has been a pet target of rockcritics for ten years, yet he was kindenough to give you a few minutes ofhis time. You mock his reticence totalk with the press, but look what hegets when he does: pointless charac-ter assassination.

Pat McLeanGarri5on. New York

When the late Claud Cockburnguest-edited Private Eye, he wouldgather the staff at a pub and askthem who the sacred cows of the daywere. Someone would mention anicon like Albert Schweitzer andCockburn would yell, "Right! Letshave a go at old Schweitzer!" Thisspirit seems to animate your pieceabout Dylan. Let's face it, though:poking fun at Dylan is like tossingstones at a toothless old lion. Whydon't you try something truly dan-gerous, like a profile of everybody'shero, Springsteen? The material is allthere: his divorce settlement, andwhether it forbids Julianne Phillipsever to write about him; his earnestpolitical correctness vs. his Draconi-an on-tour labor practices vis-à-visunderlings; his Machiavellian han-dierscumrock critics, and the restof the brownnosing press that letshim live the unexamined life.

R. W 1'?asbandHeber City. Utah

To live in the public eye would makemost people want to spit in it. Dylanlives his own life, is allowed to playhis music any way he chooses, andprobably loses little sleep knowingthat he has disappointed so manypeople he doesn't even know.

Daniel MeC afferly

Bay Village. Ohio

l:irst Joe Queenan says Dylan's skillsare all but gone, then lie attacks himfor leaving gems otf of his recent al-bums. He discusses Dylan's relation-ship to society's mainstream first toprove his Ufli(1Ue appeal, then topro\'e his decline.

JeJJrey GriaibergEng/et ood. !"Jew'Jersey

?OCtOPI FìxatÌoo?

In "Piniping Itou by Irvin Nluch-nick, June) you say, "Some former as-sociates say Joe [Weider) fixes hiscontests to suit the needs of his busi-ness empire. l-le practically admittedas much in 1970, when associatesasked him why Schwarzenegger hadwon that year's Mr. Olympia titlewhen Sergio Oliva, a black Cuban,had clearly liad the better physique.Joe smiled 1fl(l said in his clippedQ uebecois-by-way-of-the-shretlcent, l put Sergio on the cover, I sellX magazines. I put Arnold on thecover, I sell 3x magazines.'"

Your writer should have beenmore thorough in his research. I re-member the 1970 Olympia quitewell; it rook place at Town Hall inNew York City. Because of the lackof room backstage, we (the judges)had to observe both Sergio andArnold in the basement, just underthe stage. lt was a close decision.Arnold won by only one vote. Sergiowas clearly not the winner. He wasgood, hut he lacked the overall syrn-metry and muscularity of Arnold.

I also judged the Mr. Olympia in1965, '66, 67, '68 and '69. 1 pro-duced the Olympia in 1973 and '74,and many other IFBB events. In noway whatsoever did Joe Weider haveany control over the judging of anyof these competitions.

Torn i%Jinichiel/o

Fort Alyers, Florida

I go back as a judge some 25 years orso, when various IFBB contests wereheld in New York, especially at theBrooklyn Academy of Music, underthe auspices of Tom Minichiello andPeter Vita. Believe me, I never tookpart in a fixed contest. The prejudg-ing took place in the afternoon. and

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Entertainment Weekly in the JuneMailroorn column. just who ripped offwhom?" asks Bonnie F. Home ofCounihiis, Georqia. "You claim tohave orinated the idea of usinq thebaseball-card style to illustrate yourstories of high-powered New Yorklawyers arid chefs ¡n 1987 and 88,predatinq EW's use of the cards byfour years....The idea was used

previously by the Bay High Schoolyearbook in Bay Village. Ohio, tofeature the schools sports records....1guess the yearbook staff can addto their list of those paying horriage totheir idea. ' Well, that shows us. Wewere under the riiisapprehension thatthe thing that made our cardsinterestingto us and, later, toEWwas their application torionsports people. But Bay HighSchool's daring twist-upon-a-twist sports cards about athletes issimply brilliant. Yes, by all means addus to your list.

(Remarkably, we published for fiveyears without getting the feedbackfrom Bay Village we so desperatelyneeded. Now our lives seem to be full

of Bay Villagesee DanielMcCafferty's letter. page 12. Guessthe word's got around: there's a NewYork monthly that's a dead ringer for

the Bay High yearbook.)Our August magazine-parody pack,

with its sample pages from tendifferent publications, threw some ofour more gullible readers into a ...well,tizzy is probably the word. Not sinceOrson Welles's radio broadcast of TheWar of the Worlds, in fact, has such

widespread panic ensued over a pieceof fiction. We thought 'parody" and'several magazines...each reportingin its own idiosyncratic voice" on the

opening page would tip people off.And yet: 'What a screwed-up issuethis is. . . . Page 45? What happened to

Mailer? How did The Raw & the

Cooked get in, and what happened tothe balance of the article? RollingStone on Mailer, continued ori page149? Only 80 pages. This looksintentional," wrote Bob B. Hurlbutfrom Honolulu, and despite that finalhint that lie was ori the verge of a

major revelationanagnorisis, theGreeks call itHurlbut's reaction is

if one judge asked for a recount atthe contest at night, it was done. I'veseen times when the tally of voteschanged and the order of winnersfrom the afternoon prejudgingchanged. This was one reason thejudges were told not to tell anyonewho the afternoon winners were.

I remember when Sergio, Arnoldand Franco Columbu were compet-ing for the Mr. Olympia title. In theprcjudging, all the judges decidedthey would judge at night. Comenighttime, the judges were still un-decidedit was agreed the contes-tants would come backstage in awell-lighted dressing room, and wewould scrutinize the three competi-tors again. The winner was Arnold.

EdjubinvilleChicopee, Alassachiisetis

m'in A'I,,chnick replies. " 'There are tian-Oui ways to fix contests. Theres Joe Wel-der's u ay, which on the continm,,n ofsub-

jedive sports judging ranks somewhere be-titeen boxing ii Vegas ana' gymnastics iiøresden: he appoints respected individu-aIs like Minichiello. then an IFBB pro-¡iloter anti an owner of the Mid-CityGym. zthere pnelimina;y judging for the1970 ¡14,: Olympia n'as held. Minichiel-

loi conflict of izkrest ¿t'as huge. but i 'iltake his word that I 970 was an honestcall. though it's hard to fatho,n hou'A mold could win by only one vote whenSergio was clearly noi the u'inne: ' Ed

Jnbinville's defense of the Weiderf .rcru-ji/es has the same comical logic. Whyweren t the results of the aftetwoon pne-judging made publicafraid the fansiiighi figure out icho had the early leador something ? Even Jubinville describesbow the judges titade up the nulr as theyZIVIl.'

Voices That Swear

Those e!ocjuent words oí "VoicesThat Care" executive producer JeffWald [Music, by Fred Goodman,August) remind me of the days Ispent working at the famous HotelL'Ermitage in Beverly Hills(1982-87). Aller Jeff moved out ofthe osli Helen Reddy estate in SantaMonica, he moved into the STage.One morning he rang the front deskto say that he'd just returned from a

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EARLY-HIM) l«)Nl;The fIrst I 00 entrants will receiVe aC,r.'wnfl3zia( watch, suitable for coro-nations.

depressing. No more so, though, thanthat of Christine Martin of Brooklyn:"Where's the continuation of thearticle on page 46? Please reply. Thissort of thing really irks me."

C. Mark Hacking of Mississatiqa,Ontario, wore a sv cap around a malland managed to impress a youngwoman, who asked if he worked forSPY. "It would be real decent of youpeople if you said you knew me," hewrites. No problem. As anyone cantell you, C. Mark is the editor of spy.(Why not? Everyone else is.)

A young friend from Burbank whoalso contributes to the nude-babes-on-

bikes magazine Easyriders writes, I

saw your article on the loss of some ofthe New Yorkerarchives ['E. B.

Who?,' by Hazel Weatherfield,August]. Who the hell gives a shit?You ever read that fuckin'magazine?" Our friend, J. J. Solari.continues, "You ever get theirsubscription dun? Holy fuckin' shit,talk about retarded. On the outside it

says, 'Hot diggety! Wow! Hip hip!'There's this first grader's drawing ofthe sun on it, and I'm supposed to beso fuckin' overjoyed by this mongoloidgreeting that I'm supposed to sit riqhtdown, toss my other mail aside, aridget right to work breaking this thin qopen and seeing what's inside whilebouncing up and down in the chairand shouting 'Yippee!' Motherfuck...." A happy union of a magazineand its target audience.

Some time ago Debra Leigh Whiteof Milford, Ohio, was the recipient ofone of our subscription department's"Dear Deadbeat" letters. "The pointwas well taken," White tells us now,and she good-naturedly sent herpayment in with a letter of apology

signed "Debra Leigh White, akaDeadbeat." Bad move. "Not only am Inow on your mailing list, but I'm alsoon every liberal, environmental aridanimal-rights mailing list in thecountry as 'Deadbeat,' " she writes.The moral? Leave the jokes to us.

C O R R E CTIO N

lii October's "Separated at Birth?' weniisidentified Marlo Thomas'sspeculative twin: it was Rita Moreno.

morning out doing things amobed had not been made up yet. Itbeing already 10:00 am., he assuredme that if I didn't get the maids upco his townhouse that instant, he'd'throw the fucking bed out the win-dow. " Thanks for the memories.

rhs Routson

GulfBreeze, Floruii

Before readAug your column, i liad nofucking idea who Jeff Wald was.That fucker is the greatest. I respecta guy who cuts the crap and getsdown to the serious shit withouttalking his fucking ass off. It's gottabe tough to stand up for all-Amen-can things like broads, beer andporno magazines while putting upwith tons of fucking criticism fromfuckers who don't give a shit,

Maybe you could do a full fcarnrc(JI1 Wald in the future'

Tim GoiiberCincinnati, Ohio

Lefucking1ent idea.

Liko a Roll/nfl /ggYour parody Rolling Stone interviewwith Norman Mailer was hilariousand apt ["Coming Soon to a News-stand Near You," August]. I gave irto a co-worker, an avid RS fan, andsaid it was an actual excerpt fromRS. He read it and said, "Yeah, so"Sheesh! What fun is it to mock po-pie when they don't even get it?

Allison Johnson

Los A ngeles, Cal:/wzz

CaviaP

My hUL\LL1U is So' u: . ir lien and isin the USSR on an extended businesstrip. A friend gave me your "GorbyLick 'n' Stick Tattoo." I bought yourJ une issue looking for more of theseto take to the Soviet Union, butthere were none in it. Can I obtain50 to loo of them to give as jokegifts during my next trip?

Anne Williamson's "MondoMoscow" was excellent and right ontarget! She is to be commended forlier comprehensive reporting.

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There is a difference between writingsomething clever and funny and pok-ing fun at starving people ("MondoMoscow"]. Those Russians live a hu-miliating lifeleave them alone!

Jim Fuhrman

Weil Hollywood, California

Other YoIce Oilier tellers

This will clarify a report in yourSeptember issue (The Usual Sus-pects]. On May i i , I brought a largegroup of children to the St. Patrick'sCarnival in Bedford, New York. Aswe moved through a long line to ridethe giant slide, one of the childrensaid tearfully that he'd lost the $20ticket roll given him by his mother. Itold him to go back and look for itand promised to hold his place inline. When the boy returned, a mid-die-aged bully obstructed his path,throwing his hips to and Ito to pre-vent the boy from passing. When Iinstructed the man to let the boy by,he said something spiteful about myfamily but allowed the child onto theslide with his friends. I told the manthat the child was not a Kennedy(and presumably therefore a less at-tractive target for his attacks). I didnot otherwise reply, or strike theman, as he may have deserved. Nu-merous people who observed his be-havior toward the child consideredmy response admirably restrained.

Robert F Kennedy Jr.Mt. Kisco, New York

SPY stands by its story.

Congratulations to Celia Brady onher keen and all-too-accurate piece"Say It Ain't So,. Mickey" (The In-dustry, August]. Never deaf to crin-cism, Disney is making changes. Theofficial unofficial word is that thcyllsoon start letting in filmmakers!

Name withheldHollywood Pictures

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Address correspondence to spy, The SPYBuilding, 5 Union Square West, New

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Ia?iDDarhaII atPí/iiìeliíneLive

It is late August. The Soviet Union is collapsingiHt() flCdI. chaos, and Dan Rather has compared the Soviethard-liners to Thelma and Louise. Meanwhile, two networknewsmagazine showsABC's PrimeTime Live and CBS's 48Hoursrace to complete profiles of the same man. Yeltsin? Notexactlythe subject of the two competing profiles is Don Imus,a New York talk-radio specialist known for his preteen-boy humor.

Imus has developed a huge following in morning drive time, andone fan who has a Rupert Pupkinlike fascination with him is PT

Ian. This summer, Kaplan missedone of PT Live's crucial Thursday-morning staff meetingsthe showairs Thursday nightsand couldnot be located for several hours. Theexcuse? He was hanging out withImus. So when lie learned fromImus that 48 Hours was preparing asegment about morning radio thatwould include ¡mus, Kaplan quitenaturally leapt into action and or-dered his own profile.

What else has been on our hyper-bouc, high-strung news executive'smind? Well, softball. To Kaplan, thisis serious business. During one gamelast summer he ended up in t shov-¡ng match with a Today show em-ployee after objecting to the lengthof the lead the NBC player liad takenoff first base. On another occasion aringer who works as a producer inPi. Live's Washington office was in-structed by coach Kaplan to fly up toNew York for a key contest andcharge the transportation costs toABC. Kaplan's timing was positivelySununu-esque: he told the producerto fly north on the very afternoonthat ABC, citing budgetary con-straints, dismissed a dozen of hisABC News colleagues.

Okay, an appreciation of jokesabout erections does no harm, really,and one man's bad sportsmanship isanother man's hustleits the smart,savvy, hard-Iii tt i ng jou mal ism thatgoes up on screen week after weekthat counts, right? Kaplan knowsthis, of course, and so he has

20 SPY NOVEMBEK 1')91

brought in his dentist, Dr. RonDeblinger, as the latest consultantto P1 Live. When he was the execu-tive producer of Nightline threeyears ago, you will recall, Kaplanregularly asked a New Jersey house-wife of his acquaintance, one Mrs.Fingernian, what cile rhoushr

about his broadtent. Apparentitan uses the din much theway he did Mrs.german, only mThe dentist liased ABC News'sington bureaKaplan. He 1sat in the contrroom during aleast One broadcast in New YrHe has screenedpieces before theyaired, and lie isconfident abouthis news jtidg-ment. In fact,there he was at aPT Live staff par-ty, busy workingthe room alongwith other big shots like ABCNews president Roone Arledge.Knowing that praise from one's su-periors is important, lie did nothesitate to pull aside chosen PTLive staff members and tell them,one-on-one, i n a let's-be-serious-for-a-moment style, "Hey, I like

your work."C/as.ciest-Man-i,z-Televisio,, Update:

Readers may remember that DonHewitt, the high-beam executiveproducer of 60 i%linuies on CBS,drove correspondent MeredithViei ra from h is broadcast not becauseshe z'as pregna?it and pio, because shewas a zi'oman but because her re-duced workload made her unable rokeep pace with the show's otherstars. Well, Vieira has just won anEmmy for a 60 Mi,zutes piece, whichis more than Ed Bradley and MorleySafer can say (Mike Wallace andSteve Kroft also won). Since each (iOMinutes correspondent submittedtwo pieces for consideration and

Vieira received two nomina-it appears 1-lewitted a certain lack ofgmenralong with)unding pettinessn he refused last

ring to pay Vieira'sitrance fee for theawards. Naturally,60 Minutes paid foreveryone else's. Ofcourse, it in ìo wayreflects on Heu'iu'sattitude towardwomen, but the two

female 60 Mi,i-Don- --- tiles producer

nominated alonwith \Tieira haylet tlìe show.0n. an Emmyw!nning veteranwas dismisseby Hewitt justfew weeks shy o

lier 55th birthdaythis would saveCBS from paying her a full pension.At least she can take comfort in thefact that she has another Emmynowit was her piece with Vieirathat won for Outstanding Informa-tional, Cultural or Historical Pro-gramming. Laureen Hobbs

Kaplan has brought

in his dentist

as the latest

consultant to PT Live

MPO

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DisAe's UoIIood [ahel: fIosviIIe, OS

The video for WWIII's "Love You to Death" is Queen albums from the seventies,

pretty routine: women are trapped in cages, are bound by along with the band's next record,

leashes, drip hot candle wax on one man's chest and force an- called ¡'uniendo. The album never. , . . went h!ifticr than No. 30 on Bill-other to suck the barrel of a gun. What isn t so routine is the

boa,-/'s charts, despite Hollywood'ssource of these images. Apparently this isn't your father's Walt expenditure of $200,000 on a pro-Disney Company. motion party on the Qiieeiz Mary.

wwIIJ s the first band signed to I lollywood Records, a I)isney Michael Eisner was an honoredpop-rock label that has a very real chance of becoming the most guest. He got a choice seat, rightunprofitable and embarrassing undertaking iii the company's history. between two enormous loudspeak-After nearly two years of operation, ers that blasted the new album atthe label has yet to achieve a hit. was that successful, it had to have an literally painful decibel levels.Still, Disney president Frank Wells offshootPaterno chose David Bad-sounding, had-selling rec-told Billboard last August that his Klein, a man who found it necessary ords aren't Paterno's only problems.commitment to the music business to overcompensate for his whiteness He has landed in hot water withwould last "forever." One wonders if with the nom-de-jive Dave Funken- both Wells (for letting Funken-that was before the label's top exec- Klein. In all, approximately 80 em- Klein pursue a recording deal withutive, Peter Paterno, dismissed Hol- ployees have been hired; the original rapper Professor Griff, the formerlywood's incredible losses by saying, business plan called for fewer than member of Public Enemy booted"What can we lose in a year$20- half that number. from that group after making anti-million We've got $700 million. Given the lack ofA&R savvy, it's Semitic comments) and JeffreyWho cares?" not surprising that the label's Katzenberg (for allowing

Paterno can almost be excused output reads like a series of friends' children to eat pizzafor his blunders: this is his first job jokes from a sitcom about a 7'

"and popcorn inside a new

at a record label. Previously he record company run by nm- fr'screening room on the

practiced lawhe represented the compoops: A comedy ¿jr Disney lot). FortunatelyJ acksons, Jackson Browne and album with songs ( for Paterno, his ties withGuns N' Rosesbut even then he screeched by Rose- Eisner seem quite strong.did not seem particularly adroit. anne Barr. A rap al- in fact, says one insider, 'theOnce, in an interview with the Los bum from a group of . only thing that protects thisAngeles Daily Journal, Paterno felons. The aforemen- .

. label from oblivion is Eis-yakked about working with music- tioned WWIII. Stryper, ' ners support."industry clients who "call me about a washed-up crew of Eisner may see some-

drunkdrivinganddrugbusts." Christian head- D thing that ev-Paterno came to Disney on the bangers. Holly-

oPia'

eryone else is

recommendation of David Geffen, wood's greatest "What can we lose missing, and hewhose pronounced self-interest and success has come may have thepenchant for scheming should make from the Party, a in a year$20 million? last laugh.him the last person on earth you'd quintet of 16- Meanwhile, ev-ask for advice if you were thinking year-olds from We've got $700 million. eryone else isof starting a rival record company. the Disney Chan-

Who cares7" laughing. JonOnce appointed, he complemented nels New Mickey

.Poneman , the

his weaknesses by assembling a Mouse Club who have achieved mar- head of the Seattle-based Sub Popmanagement team composed largely ginal sales chirping Debbie Gibson Records, thought about linking hisof music-biz dilettantes and losers. songs ro the prepubescent set. C()fl1PflY with Hollywood butThe cofounder of a failed indepen- So far, the biggest act signed by backed off. "The most outstandingdent label became his chief lieu- Hollywood Records is Queen, the thing I remember about our meet-tenant, and a low-level talent scout bombastic seventies group, for ings," he says, "was that the bushesrecently let go by Capitol became whom there is no noticeable nostal- outside their offices were shapedthe head of A&R. To run the off- gia. Hollywood spent more than like Mickey Mouse and Goofy."shoot rap labeland Hollywood $10 million to acquire rights to 16 Jeffrey Ressner

22SPYNOVEMBER 1991

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ls [ODa, Arse-Licker: ¡he Frieos of John Russell

IN U iess siliLig ,insular and vindictive than artists are dition is so unusually good as to

the people who write about them. The Times's stable ofpseudo- make us wonder what a scientific in-

scholarly lightweights is no exception. Michael Brenson, quiry might bring." Russell even had, . . . .

the papers serviceable second-string art critic, finally carne tothe gall to contradict that last caveat:Scientific analyses (have) dismissed

this realization and left the Times a year after he was mortifyingly the very idea that it could bepassed over for the number one job in favor of Michael Kimmel-. a. . .fake."man, who is perhaps i 5 years his junior. While joins the latest Tarica, infuriated, set out to writeexodus of reporters to begin work on a book, the paper's editors are a book (now almost finished) aboutscrambling desperately to find his replacement, tough task given that the episode. Earlier this year hemany decent art writers are unwill- wrote a letter to Russell that said, ining to take a backseat to Kimniel- painting whose authenticity had part, "[At the time of the controver-man. One of the few eager candidates been called into question, most no- sy) Mr. Lauder suggested to [pub-for the job is Roberta Smith, a third- tably by the London Times. The very lisher Punch) Sulzberger that it wasstring reviewer. That she is a woman first person to express doubt about time the Times wrote an article aboutcounts in Smiths favor at the new, The An,mnciation's origins was a New [the controversy). . . .You insisted ongrudgingly egalitarian Times, but the York and Paris-based art dealer doing it yourself lanci) the first draftpaper still seems more likely to go named Alain Tarica. In 1984, Tarica you produced was turned down bywith a marquee-value critic like The had advised the cosmetics heir and your editors. . . because it was too ag-New Republic's talented Mark Stevens. collector Ron Lauder not to buy gressively biased.

"Tarica

Spookily, the ghost of the Times's evil the Bouts because it might be a . Ç also alleged that Rus-art-cnt demigod, Hilton Kramer, fake. The Getrys purchase sell had engineeredhovers over these proceedings: there therefore called into qucs- the placement of anare many talented critics whose un- tion Tarica's eye for au- entirely gratuitouspopularity with Kramer may still thenticationan art . endorsement of thecount against them. dealer's bread and but- . Bouts's authenticity

Then there's the looming presence terand he suddenly .' in an article about

of the still-active art critic emeritus found his reputation Van Gogh by GlennJ ohn "the Authenticator" Russell. on the line. ". . Collins: "You gaveRussell has made a second career of Tarica was dealt a the reader no hint [intoadying to the Getty Museum in further blow when a the pro-Bouts article)Malibu, the richest, arguably most column by Russell '

.

that you and your wifepowerful private art institution in ridiculed him and were old friends and busi-the world. The Getty is greatly the "salesroom

hness associates of

30 Ii

feared and kowtowed to in art circles correspondent" of Eugene Thaw [abecause it promiscuously hands the London Times renowned Newout grants, acquisitions and scholar- for mounting a York art dealerships$167 million in 1990 alone. "campaign of Russell has made a and, prior to theRussell and his wife, Rosamond quite exceptional Getty purchase,Bernier, are closely involved with the d o g g e d n e s s

' second career of toadying to a part owner ofdealers and curators who work with against the Bouts, the Getty Museum the Bouts). I amthe Getty, and Russell has involved "though never in told that Mr.himself in conflict-of-interest machi- terms that have Thaw gave cvi-nations in the Times that are Arthur rallied any significant support.

"Rus- dence in the divorce case which dis-

GeIbishly byzantine. sell conceded that "the picture has solved your wifes marriage toLet's start in 1985, when the undeniably its problematic aspects" Georges Bernier, moreover, Mrs.

Getty acquired The Annunciation, al- but slalomed through these aspects Russell has [found) pictures for Mr.legedly painted in the fifteenth cen- in record time, with maneuvers like Thaw for many years, regularly re-tury by the Flemish artist Dieric . . .the iconography, as to which any- ceiving commissions."Bouts. The Getty paid $7 million, a one who feels like it can whip up a Not surprisingly, Russell respond-then princely sumespecially for a storm of conjecture," and 'The con- ed with a sneer. "Given the climate

24 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

of fantasy and innuendo in whichyour letter luxuriates," reads his re-cent letter to Tarica, " it is hardlynecessary for me to add that yoursixculations about a putative contin-u i ng busi ness associat ion betweenMr. Thaw, my wife and myself arebeneath contempt." Taricac effort cobring the matter before executiveeditor Max Frankel brought a simi-lar reply. "As for your chargesagainst John Russell," Franke! wroteto Tarica, "I find them outrageousand slanderous.

Russdls agenda to protect theGetry and his own reputation appar-ently COfl(iflUeS to compromise theTzme5s arts coverage. In August theArcs & Leisure section ran a front-page story about a controversy sur-rounding a kouros purchased by theGetty for $9 million some years ago.The article, written by Kirnmdman,explored tt length the possibilitythat it was a fakeostensibly prov-ing the 11,nrs can be tough towardthe (iettybut also made a strongcasc: tor its authenticity. What thearticle (lidflt 58>' iS chat outside theTimess arr pages. the issue was prettymuch settled long ago. with expertssuch as Thomas Hoving (formerhead of the Metropolitan Museum ofArr) and Dietrich von Bothmer (cu-rator of antiquities at the Met) de-crying the kouros as a fraud. If any-thing. then, the recent article re-opened the books on a closed contro-versv and provided the Getty withan opportunity to save face. I won-der what eminent Times art critic.what man who was possibly duped afew years back by another Getty pur-chase, was behind the curious kourosarticle?

Expect neither Russell flOf theGerty w COflIC forward with answers.While Russell drops in at West 43rdStreet oricc t month or so to pullitringc oil !)ehi!f of his rich friends(you'll recall the extreme UflCtUOUS-ness of the recent page 1 story on hispal Walter Annenberg), the kouroslanguishes OUt of the public eye, inthe Getty labs, where it will proba-bly remai ii rcver, undergoi ng . ..study. J. J. H;inecker

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The Iidustry

Parafflouof'sMopil-hy-Oefaulf

Because movie studios seldom engage injoint ventures, the report this fall that two of them wouldteam up to produce a movie based on the 1974 best-sellerAlive was noteworthy. The real news, however, was that the stu-dios involved were Disney and Paramount, companies with along history of intense mutual loathing. Their relations havebeen so touchy that touchiness itself has become an issue. For example,when Harry Anderson, Paramount's PR director, was asked about therivalry months before the joint venture was announced, he had troublestaying on an even keel. "That is ab-surd!" he barked. "That is ludicrous! Kirkpatrick has always displayedWe will not talk about that. We far greater vision in choosing friendswill have nothing to do with ques- than ¡n picking projects to champi-tions about chat. They are ridicu- on. During his first stint at Para-bus. They are insane." mount, he associated with Barry

In war, sometimes, an unremark- Diller (of he seems some-able piece of terrain finds itself re- thing of a pale imitation), Eisner,peatedly the scene of battlethink Katzenberg and Simpson. "Eisnerof Bull Run. In che Disney- and Katzenberg liked to pu,tParamount dustup, David Kirk- [him] on prestige-client -

patrick, currently Paramount's pro- projects," remembers aduction chief, plays that role. Dur- prominent producer,ing his tenure in Hollywood, the perhaps because un-40-ish Kirkpatrick has worked for like Katzenberg, whoDisney once, Paramount twice, and has always directed ahas been sued by each. He has great deal of his con- '

worked for Frank Mancuso twice, siderable innate angerand for Michael Eisner and Jeffrey at prima donna movie"Sparky" Katzenberg twice. Even stars, Kirkpatrick knewso, Kirkpatrick's career hasn't been how to keep talentparticularly distinguished. His happy. Indeed, he wasname isn't synonymous with any one of the few execu- '

box office smash. He isn't known as tives who gota genius. Those who know him say along with Eddiehe's charming but often volunteer Murphy, the stu-

k,1Der

he stayed put. Poor David. Mancusonever repaid this loyalty by bestow-ing real power upon Kirkpatrick; in-stead, he promptly promoted DawnSteel, who had been Kirkpatrick'speer, to head production.

Later, when Paramount attempt-ed to woo a veteran agent away fromCAA to become an executive aboveboth Kirkpatrick and Steel, Kirk-patrick had had enough. He joinedJ erry Weintraub at his new Wein-traub Entertainment Group.

Poor David. Paramount claimedthat he'd breached his $750,000contract, and sought to force him toreturn to Paramount; the suit waseventually settled. Meanwhile,

Kirkpatrick, with his first op-- portunity to run a motion-

picture company, stepped- . right up and green-light-,\fN:'\ I

V- \ ed My Stepmoter Is anç( :s7 \\Alien, Fresh Horses and

\)'

Troop Beverly Hills. Such

\__.J failures led to friction, andKirkpatrick and Weintraubliterally came to blows;

-

k Kirkpatrick finally left, just;. before WEG went bankrupt.'r Kirkpatrick resurfaced atC) Disney, as the number two

executive of Touchstone.. Poor David. He

David and Brandonwas miserablethere, in part

tive, disingenuous, snakelike . I m aLI,J . £iA5iL_.L Tartikoff is a TVguy; '." ''

g r os s i n g s t a r, n e y s su ffoca t -

good friend of David's," many peo- with whom he Kirkpatrick has the ing manage-pie say, and then they proceed to at- appears to have

requisite film relationshipsment style

'tack his taste, character and impor- struck a lasting Sparky decidestance. friendship. At at least with talent which dress

He got his first break in 1977, the same time, Julia Robertswhen Don Simpson, then head of Kirkpatrick entered into a friend- wears in Pretty Woman; Sparky de-production at Paramount, gave him ship with another powerful person, cides if Kim Basinger can wash hera shot as a creative executive. Kirk- chairman Frank Mancuso. hair in Evian water at studio ex-patrick's career is riddled with In 1984, when Eisner, Katzenberg pensekept him from doing whatironies, one of which is that the first and other Paramount executives left he does best, flattering and grovel-producers he dumped when he took to work their black magic at Disney, ing before talent. There were alsoover at Paramount last fall were Kirkpatrick considered joining creative differencesKatzenberg letSimpson and Jerry Bruckheimer. them; instead, at Mancuso's urging, it be known, Anything David Kirk-

26SPYNOVEMBER 1991

patrick likes, I don't. Just 16 monthsafter hiring him, Disney boughtKirkpatrick out of his five-year con-tract.

Not a man to harbor a grudge,Mancuso welcomed Kirkpatrickback ro Paramount as executive vice

president. Everyone expected thathe would soon be named president,something that had as much to dowith the studio's turmoil as withKirkpatrick's qualifications.

Paramount's stock was falling. Alarge number of Mancuso's enor-mously expensive pictures, includ-ing Harlem Nights, Another 48 HRS,Days of Thunder and The Two fakes,had bombed. Eddie Murphy was al-lowing himself to be courted bysurprise!Disney. And Paramount'spresiding co-president, Sid Ganis,who deserved much of the credit forGhost, was being undone by corn-plaints that he was slow and indeci-sive. Fresh from Disney, where man-agement efficiency was all, Kirk-patrick could jabber on about cost-cutting and rational productionstrategy in a way that had to havebeen very appealing to Mancuso.

When Ganis was finally purgedand Kirkpatrick appointed produc-non president, he said the studiowould focus on small, tightly con-trolled, relatively low-budgetmovies. To prove his sincerity, heterminated Simpson and Bruck-heimer. Before long, the BMWswere roaring into the lot before8:00 a.m. Memos proliferated. Newaccounting procedures were imple-mented. And the studio got busycommitting itself to high-concept,$15 million, upbeat humanmoviesthat is, Disney movies.

When a mid-level executive leftDisney to become a production vicepresident at Paramount, it was timefor another lawsuit involving Kirk-parick: Disney alleged that he hadviolated his release agreement, inwhich he'd promised not to hireany Disney employees for twoyears. The studio also accused Kirk-patrick of using classified Disneyinformation. In Hollywood, wherejob tag is routine, the suit seemed

slightly bizarre. Disney laterdropped it; the image of JeffreyKatzenberg being deposed, talkingunder oath about the confidentialinformation Kirkpatrick had sup-posedly exploited, was about aslikely as Joe Eszterhas's getting aCoke commercial.

Anyway, Kirkpatrick in alllikelihood will soon be job-huntingagain (and then its Disney's turn tohire him!). His days were probablynumbered as soon as Stanley Jaffefired Mancuso. Just before Jaffetook over as president of ParamountCommunications, the studio's par-ent company, it was Kirkpatrickwho took on the nasty task ofdumping a first-time director of apicture in preproduction calledSchool TiesStanley Jaffe.

Kirkpatrick probably owes hiscurrent survivorship to BrandonTartikoff, whom Jaffe installed inMancuso's old spot. Tartikoff is aTV guy; he doesn't yet have all therequisite relationshipsand as wehave all heard too many times, thisii a relationship business. The feelingis that Kirkpatrick has them, atleast with talent (at least withEddie Murphy). But nobody thinkshis contract will be renewed whenit expires in 1992. Poor David.

Not that Tartikofi's own Ion-gevity at Paramount is widelyassumed. The bad-mouthing ofBrandon is partly a matter ofstandard movie-TV class warfare,but there's more. When an A-listd i rector-screenwri ter team recentlymet with him, he offered themloads of terrific ideas. But theywent away grousing that he hadtalked 80 percent of the time;indeed, they may now leave Para-mount to sign somewhere else.Memo to B.T.: When you were atNBC, you were always the mostimportant guy at any meeting. Notanymnore. When meeting with expensivetalent, grovel. Just a bit. Don'tworryeveryone will respect yourwillingness to mortify yourself That'swhat they mean by "relationships."

We'll see how you do Mondaynight at Mortons. Celia Brady

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/\/k07 C.:,L?,The llsn Suspects

i 3Time Warner chairman Steve Ross is no Its well known that Judy Miller, thestranger to delusional behaviorhow else to New York Times correspondent andexplain his paying himself $78 million while crafty love-minx of the middle-aged-his company is laying offhundreds ofpeople in powerguy set, has settled down, more ororder to save just $30 million?but the extent

. . . .

of his pathology is apparently worse than wethought. Some friends of Ross's, looking to finda poignant, personalized surprise birthday giftfor him, recalled the jut-jawed executive'stelling them that he once played pro footballfor the Cleveland Browns. But whenRoss's friends flew to Cleveland to digup old memorabilia from his grid-iron days, they discovered thatgood old Steve never played forthe Browns. Meanwhile, life inRoss's presumably imaginary

.

world continues unabated: hesometimes tells people he's a secretCIA operative.

Stet

For the occasion of her eighth (orninth?) trothplight, Elizabeth Taylor Liz

commissioned Cartier, of course, to engrave theinvitations. When she received them, however,Taylor was distressed at the attire directive atthe bottom of the invitationsthe standardBLACK TIE. Perhaps mindful oî the social short-comings of white-trash fiancé Larry Forten-sky's family, Taylor complained, Hou' ui/Ithe ladies knou' u'hat to u'ear? So the in-vites were chucked and a new batchpromptly printed up, this time readingBLACK TIE AND COCKTAIL DRESS. Thenew boxes delivered, Liz again becamefretful. Shouldn't it read BLACK TiE AND

COCKTAiL DREssEs? she said. And again, aperfectly good set of extravagant invita-tions became landfill.

28SPYNOVEMBER 1991

less, vith yet another man who stands to as-sist her career: self-important Random House

'e editorial director Jason Epstein. Recently,-Miller let it be known to her boyfriend

that she was planning to write a book about theMiddle East. Epstein excitedly replied, You go#a

do it for me! Miller liked the idea but,savvy professional that she is, insisted

that Epstein negotiate with her agent,Andrew Wylie. Wylie demanded$500,000, an astounding figure for

.

a nonfiction, juasi-scholarly book,and was answered, improbably, withan immediate Okay! from the au-thor's boyfriend. But Random

House president Harry Evans, dis-pleased with his love-struck subordi-

nate's slip out of character, sensibly ve-toed it, thereby touching off an in-house

blood feud between Evans and Epstein.

4Professional divorcée Lisa Gastineau may nowrival her ex-husband, Mark, in pathetic attempts

at attention-getting. Dining with a group ofPacquaintances, Mrs. Gastineau, apropos of

nothing, loudly declared, "I'm John Gotti'sgirlfriend"declining to explain whethershe was referring to the married, impris-oned alleged mob CEO, his married sonJohn Jr. or some other like-named regular

working stiff in, say, the construction busi-ness. When her dining companions asked ifher choice of paramour placed any restric-tions on her social life, she replied, "NoIcan do whatever I want.")

John

Couldo Cour DareD

Vere? And WhoWants

to See Ted Kennedy Atop a Tank?In the cool, peaceable ordinariness ofAmerica, the failed Soviet putsch seemsremote, a Dostoyevskian passion playbeamed to us via satellite. But howconceivable is a coup here at homeLet's examine these chilling parallels:

USSR: Multiethnic empire torn by vio-lence; Armenians and Azerbaijanis at-tack one another in Nagorno-Karabakh.USA: Multiethnic empire torn by vio-lence; Lubavitchers and West Indiansattack one another in Crown Heights.

USSR: Economic reform sabotaged byhard-line disciples of doctrinaireeconomist Karl Marx.USA: Economic reform sabotaged byhard-line disciples of doctrinaireeconomist Milton Friedman.

USSR: Hard-liners voice apprehension atoverthrow of loyal European puppetslike General Ja-ruzeiski.USA: Hard-linersvoice apprehen-sion at over-throw of loyalEuropean pup-pets like Mar-garet Thatcher.

USSR: Indebtednation humili-atingly depen-dent on Ger-man handoutsfor housing itstroops.USA: Indebtednation humili-atingly depen-dent on Ger-man, Saudi andJ apanese hand-outs for deploy-ins its troops.

USSR: Foolishlyloyal presidenthangs on to de-ceitful cronies

like accusedcoup plotterLukyanov.USA: Fool-ishly loyal president hangs o:ceitful cronies like accusedSununu.

n to de-joyrider

USSR: Hard-liners make ominous noisesabout decline in public order, demandnew " tough-on-crime" measures thatcurtail hard-won civil liberties.USA: Hard-liners make ominous noisesabout decline in public order, demandnew "tough-on-crime" measures thatcurtail hard-won civil liberties.

USSR: President, in midst of nationalcrisis, insists on taking his vacation.USA: President, in midst of nationalcrisis, insists on taking his vacation.

Jonathan Napack

The Fille Priiit

by Jamie Malanowski

-.' What So ProudlyWe Sold

Between August 28, 1990(Lewis Galoob, South San

Francisco, California; toys),andiune 18, 1991 (BigStar Concepts of Monterey,California; condoms), thePatent and Trademark Of-fice of the U.S. Departmentof Commerce received 90applications from would-bewar profiteers who soughtexclusive use of the namesDesert Shield and Desert

Storm on products theywanted to market. Therewere five companies thatwished to make DesertStorm watches; one thatwanted to make DesertStorm stationery; one that

wanted to makeDesert Storm note-

books, binders,portfolios, tablets,pods, file folders,

paper, coloringbooks, pencils,erasers, brushes,chalk, crayons and

finger points; andone that wanted tomake a DesertStorm Bible.

Nine companieswonted to makeDesert Storm toys,most of which fellinto either the gen-eral descriptionwritten by the afore-mentioned Galoob

Toys ("child size

toys, action figuresand accessories foraction figures, oc-

tion figure playsets,toy vehicles andaccessories for

toy vehicles") orthat of Diversified

Specialists .

NOVflMßER 1991 SPY 29

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E&Jand soda.

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THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED

of Houston ("military playtoys, such as walkie-talkies,

military ploy sets, dress-upsets, Halloween sets, to indude helmets, vests, can-teens, belts, gas masks,protective under clothingand military garb; toy guns,water guns and cap guns;other cap items, includinghand grenades, rockets; toycars, trucks, airplanes, heu-copters, ships, actionfigures and dolus; flash-

lights, radios, and flashlightradios; and battery-operat-ed toys"). Additionally,three companies wanted tomake Desert Storm f ire-works, two wanted to makeDesert Storm tires, and onewanted to produce DesertStorm gas-powered mini-autos.

One company wanted toproduce the Desert Storm

bicycle (and sports waterbottle), one the DesertStorm battery, one theDesert Storm archery set,and one the Desert Storm

fishing rod. Eight compa-nies wanted to make Desert

Storm clothing; three,Desert Storm boots (includ-ing one that ended up mak-

ing the special Schwarzkopfmodel). Twelve companieswanted to make, as theData-East Corporation of

Tokyo wrote, "video games,video game software, com-puter software, video gamecartridges, video game dis-kettes, video game memorymedia, video game printedcircuit boards, and video

output game machines"(which are presumably thesame things that VektorGrafix Ltd. of Leeds, GreatBritainan ostensibly En-glish-speaking nationwant-ed to make when it de-scribed "electrical and elec-tronic apparatus and

32 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

/\/kea

Deys Doug-o.what's

GoingOn?

Your Leaders Speak Up Close andPersonal With Douglas Wilder

As part of its continuing effort to help American voters get to knowthe candidates in Campaign '92, spy talks this month with the governor ofVirginia, Douglas Wilder.

SPY: So. hoz' is the campaign going?Wilder: Very good. Received tremen-dous support in New Hampshire. Peo-pie are very concerned about a lack of aDemocratic message.As president, would you replace ArnoldSchwarzenegger as the president's director of

physical fitness?Wellhe's coming down here to

I visit me next week. How about that?But I can't even worry about him. Iwouldnt even be considering thosenonessential things at this time.Do you knoz' all the songs to any musicals?

have [seen) some but I dont knowif I know all the songs to any ofthem. . . .The most recent is Phantom of

the Opera, but that wouldn't pass as amusical. Would it?Should the NFL abolish the instant replay?

think [it's) great if you are not atthe game. . . . My answer is no, as long asthey don't take a half hour.

Didyou play a sport high school?I was on the cheering squad. I want-

ed to be involved, but I was too small.Did you perform in any plays in highschool?

Oh, yeah; i%Iacbeth, I played the partof her cousin, Jack. This was whatwhat's his name. Let's see. . . Maxim wasthe owner of the and Rebeccawas the dead lady. Wait, not Macbeth,Rebecca. lt was Rebecca,and I playedJack Favell. He was a scoundrel.Do you have any favorite musicians?

Q uincy Jones. George Benson. HerbAlpert. Marvin Gaye.What's yourfavorite Marvin Gaye song?

"Let's Get It On." That's it. Oh,wait, no, what am I saying? "What'sGoing On." That's it. . . .It vas very rad-ical for its time. It is prophetic. No onewould disagree with one line of it.Who would play you in the movie of yourlife?

Well, let's see, they are probablygone now. I like Spencer Tracy;that's from the old school. In thenew school, Robert De Niro.if you had MarIon Brando and JamesDean in afisifight, who would win?

Well, I tell you what, both thoseguys would be right tough. Deanmight win it straight up, but Bran-do would get him in the end. Deanmight win it honestly, but Brandowould 1nd a way to sabotage it.Didyon have a nickname in school?

Doug-o. Guess they took it afterSluggo.Are there any objects you always caraywith you?

I carry a little Swiss Army knife,tiny one. I feel like I am nakedwithout it. Has everything a manneeds.So. with The Tonight Show, do youthink they iìiade the right decision with

namingJay to replace Johnny?J ay Leno is something else, isn't

he? You know, people questionedwhether it should have been JackPaar or what's-his-name, the guywho married one of Zsa Zsa Gabor'ssisters. What's his name? Not AndyGriffith. . . .Mery Griffin, that's it.Remember the great contests thatthey had between those two? Well,Mery went on to do his thing andJohnny to his. I think Leno and Let-terman are adequate, but they willmake their own stands.Now two ofyour possible rivals areJerry Brawn and Bob Kerrey. Brown hasdated Linda Ronstadt; Kerrey, DebraWinger. ifyou were to date someone from

show biz, who would it be?

Well, they were very fortunatemen to have the choice. . . .1 don'tthink that dating a celebrity is a fac-tor in the race. Michael Hainey

U

Sevenheeq Yays Say

LA.

THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED

Io instruments opparotus forthe recordai, storage and

Susan Sontag's son, entertainin,retrieval of data in magnet-¡C or optically readableintellectual-about-town David RiefT, has

just published a 243-page essay called Losform").

Two companies wantedAngeles: Capi/al of the Third %Vorle/. We're L r

to make a Desert Stormnot making any definitive judgments about his work bere, but the book (loes

knife, and three sought toa seem to offer ckar evidence that Rieff can't quite be trusted yet with his own make actual firearmsin-' key to the metaphor closet. Consider the smorgasbord of descriptions: cluding Israel Military In-

"This complicated, seemingly delightful machine called greater Los Angeles" dustries Ltd. of Ramat

"That glitzy Oz called Los Angeles" HaSharon, Israel, which

"That amnesiac ¡leasure dome known as West Los Angeles" wanted to make not only

"That obdurate arcadia otherwise known as West L.A. "9UflS but also ammunition

"That far steeper cayøn otherwise known as downtown L.A.» and explosives; and the

'That boosterist sea that was Los Angeles" Springfield Armory of Gene-

: "Anglo L.A., that metropolis ofGreta Garbos" B. D. Snell seo, Illinois, which makes a"Gulf$799, .45-caliber Vic-

- - ______-- - tory" pistol. Three compa-nies wanted to make

Afflric3 Sthrt, í Mast 0td? Storm sunglasses, and six

Introducing the SPY Famous-Name-o-Maticwanted to make DesertStorm sunscreen, includingCreative Environments of

Books like The Baby Bowiier MI uiri Manhattan, which alsoBook ofNeiìnei will tell you to Harry Ali Jones sought to make Desertcall your kid David if you

Jamie Ieroy Phillips Storm "fragranced articleswant him to be a doctor, or

Tommy , Tyler \ Rayand liquids, including scent-

if you're hoping toLee James \ Harris ed objects, perfumes,

say "My daughter, the assis- AlherNelson Lewismen's cologne, bath prod-

rant l).A." But what if' the ucts and deodorants." Two

plan is for your child simply Rodney j Wayne Roth companies wanted to

to be famousor infamous? Cathy Howard Curtis make Desert Storm um-

Our advice: give the tyke a Mehmet Diamond Moore brellas, though one of

middle name he or she can David Earl Stanton them wanted to make

lise, and make OUt selections Donald Allen Baker umbrellas with beach

from our Famous-Name-a- Rickie Dcc Reillyblankets, towels and fab-

Matictt. Conceivably all Charles Lee Booth nc beverage coolers, and

1 6,038 possible combina- Mary Jane Olmosthe other wanted to

tions at right will someday Jolìt Oliver Lucasmake umbrellas withwallets, cosmetic bags,notorious monikersal- Harvey Rippy travel bogs, tote bags,ready the list includes the Alvin Dean vans backpacks, knapsacks,names of at least $()

Jerry Wilkes Fish belt bags, roll bags,well-known per-

james Don King I school bags, handbags,sonalities whoJack Henry Williams gym bags and attaché

have 5t01)j)Cd atSara Richard Huberty cases. Another company

nothing ro l)e-Mark David Oswald

wanted to get a piece ofcome house- the bag action by attachinghold words. Henry Alton Gacy

I capsules of sand to them.u(Hint: there are Edward Hauptmann Two companies wanted to

I 5 who went OflC Robert Abbott procuce Desert Stormo]

way, 1 5 the other, Billy Chapman movies, one a Desert Storm.0

and one who went Ì Joe Agca victory ring, and one want-o

both.) Bruno Crosby ed to trademark the name- Went/eli Smith

a '

. ________ I

I Desert Storm for the

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 3

THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED

fundroising services it wouldprovide to erect and main-tain a Desert Storm Veter-ans Memorial.

Most of these productswere never made. For those

that were, performance wasuneven. A spokesman for

one company that producedDesert Storm sunglasses ad-miffed, "lt wasn't one of ourbetter ideas," while the PRguy for Sierra On-Line saidits Battle of Khofji computergame was "hot," and thespokesman for the companythat makes the mini-autosbragged, "We've hit a homerun with the doggone

thing."

"Next on't

the Agenda:Funding an Affirmative-Action Program forKale Lovers"Whatever else we mayknow aboutGennadi

Enchanting and AlarmingNoveffiber DIehook Events Upcoming3 New York CitMarathon.Preview coy-erage in theTimes focuses

largely on a wiry,prosthesis-fitted87-year-oldwhohasruninevery !_1racesince

Jimmy Walkerwas mayor (ex-cluding the waryears). No men-tion is made ofthe young for-eigner who willactually win.7 Lou Reed reads

his song lyricsaloud as tart ofthe Writer's Voice

Yanayevandthe other

J

U [uUiviaik

CapsuleCommunist Reviews by WalterParty hard- MonheitTM, the Movieliners who Publicist's Friendlaunched last

series; West SideYMCA. Admis-sion is $12, morethan for any otherreading in the se-ries, but whenyou consider thatReed can't really

sing anyway, thata concert at theRitz costs$19.50 and

August's coup, THE ADDAMS FAMILY, starring Anjelica Huston, Raulone thing is Julia, Christopher Lloyd (Paramount) ''P'certain: none Walter Monheit sa's, "They may be creepy, and theyof them weremembers ofthe Pork SlopeFood Coop ofBrooklyn, NewYork. Never-theless, it can-not be ruled

out completelythat one of theplotters sowtheiuly 11issue of

Linewoiters'Gazette, theco-op's officialnewsletter. Ifone did, he .

might be kooky, but Anjelica'saltogether 0000fy!!

Come next April she'll be the Addams apple of

Oscar's eye!"

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, starring Lauren Bacall,I larleyjane Kozak (Paramount) PP\,íter Monheit says. "Hey, Oscar! Put your lipstogether and blowall you'Ilwant for Christmas isLauren! Don't Bogart that statuette!"

M GIRL, starring Dan Aykroyd, Jamie Lee Curtis.Macaulay Culkin (Columbia) P'P%V'a/ter Monheit .cac. "When it's cold outside, JamieLee gives me the month of May! She usedto be mygirlnow she's Oscar's!"

4 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

What ¿'Ix monocles meas::

çpt: imlisputably a dank

that Sylvia Milesvill probably be

in attendance,r it's a bargain.

12 MikeFrancesa and

Christopher"Mad Dog"

,. Russo,'.. hosts of

an after-noon talk

show on all-sports WFAN-AM Radio, arethe main attrac-tions ola tour ofWFAN's studioin Astoria,Q ueens. Since theconcept ofa walk-ing tour is anti-thetical to thementality of Mikeand the MadDog's audiencebig, whiteQ ueens andFlatbush nativeswith hair cutshort on the sidesand front andlong in thebacktourmembersmay be-come

unrulyand im-

tures the Rock-ettes dressed infetishistic peeka-boo Santa outfitsthat don't includetrousers.19 The WhiteDog Cafe, a leftyrestaurant in

Philadelphia, Pre-sents '

Empower-ing the Home-less," a breakfastsymposium lea-turing local bous-ing advocatesPlus a choice offree-range eggs orfresh fruit withyogurt and home-made granola. A

fantasy experiencefor anyone nostal-gic for the moreannoying, Hope-heavy episodes ofthirtysonething.28 Thanksgiving.Meaningful inter-action with rela-tives with ,::\

patientand vent theirfrustration overthe Mets' disap-pointing '91 per-formance on you.

15 Opening nightof Radio CityMusic Hall's an-nual ChristmasSpectacular,which touts itselfas family enter-tainment yet fea-

whom you havenothing in corn-mon is avoided byturning on theLions-Bears gameand saying, "ThatSanders can move,"and " I have

mixed feelingsabout the run-and-shoot."Your cousins willnod in assent.)

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TO ORDER, PLEASE CALL 1-800-292-2450 DAYTON'S, HUDSON'S AND MARSHALL FIELD'S

THE FINE PRINT CONTINUED

certainly would have grownmore convinced than everthat when it comes todemocracy, it's possible forsome people to have toomuch say in their own of-fairs. (Note: names hove

been changed.)

"The June GeneraI Meeting

spent [halfi its time dealingwith [a] highly contentiousissuethe location of thecheese counter. ...

"Joan Morosh, a long-time cheeseworker, mode a

passionate, yet reasonedplea that at least port of thecheese counter remain up-stairs on the shopping floorso that workers would beable to communicate di-redly with shoppers. . . Thecurrent plan provides formoving the cheese-cuttingarea downstairs. . .ond pro-

viding precut cheesewrapped in plastic in the ex-

ponded dairy case upstairs."Joan first of all objected

to the way the decision tomove downstairs wasmade. She called it a 'well-kept secret plan' which hadnever been discussed withthose most affectedcheeseworkers and cheesebuyers. She had. . .a petitionwhich had. . some 400 sig-natures protesting themove. (Some members ap-

parently protested thatcheeseworkers would notgive them their cheese un-

less they signed the peti-lion, however.) Joan. . .wor-ned that cheese soleswould plummet if memberswere not allowed to discusstheir cheese questions withknowledgeable cheese cut-

ters, who regularly give ad-vice. . . .Worst of all [and thisis why, on our funding ap-plication to the NEA, we'rethinking of calling the

'6SPYNOVEMBER 1991

Whath ill a Name?

Our PeriodicAnagram Analysis:

SpecialSoviet-Putsch

Edition

BORIS N. YELTSIN

LIBERTY'S NO SIN

1 BORIS PUGOOUR S.O.B. PIG

Privacy-IDvaio¡o Our liffle

"1 invariably check the medicine cabinet if Iuse the bathroom in someone else's house; ina small apartment where there is no guestloo, entire medical, social and sexual histo-ries can be constructed from the specific.Fiorinal means migraine, Flagy! a yeast in-fection, Naturetin bloat, Procardia and Per-santine cardiac trouble. Valium, Librium,Enovid."

John Gregory Dunne, Harp, 1989

DEFENSE MINISTER YAZOV"Now I'm being hugged and congratulatedMY NAZI DEFENSE IS OVERT

by Joan Didion and John GregoryVURI S. PLEKHANOV Dunne. . . .1 remember the first time I had

A VERY LUSH PINKO dinner at their house. . . .Since I was in theirbathroom anyway, I checked their medicine

APPJRATCHIKS cabinet. I always like to do that in a newA PAST HACK, R.I.P.

house. Outside of my mother's, it was theV1%SILY i. STARODUBTSEV most thrilling medicine cabinet I had ever

A VASTLY ABSURD SOVIET seen. Ritalin, Librium, Miltown, Fiorinal,Percodan. . .every upper, downer, and in-be-

OLEG D. BAKL.ANOV tweener ofinterest in the PDR, circa 1973."BALKAN LOVE GOD

Julia Phillips, You '11 Never

ì.uI_

Andy liaronJ

Eat Lunch in This Town Again, 1991

Sidney Urquhart

LügrMig iii grJie

"This book could change the way Americans eat and live."Gad Greene on Craig Claiborne's Craig Claiborne's

Gourmet Diet

'One of the most amusing, serious and outrageously humorousect of sex I've read."rne on Greene's Delicious Sex

"A triumph of style."Paul Theroux on Nadine Gordimers The Conservationist

"His is a large, outrageous talent."Gordimer on Theroux's Chicago Loop

"The true love story of our times....Wonderful."Molly Haske!! on Betty Rollin's Am I Getting Paidfor This?

"Brilliant...A work of the mind, the heart, the spiritand oh, the wit of it!"Rollin on Haskell's Love andOther Infectious Diseases

Howard Kaplan

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esa acs WhatWouldltCostto .>j -- ç::vI__-7 _

Ship Our' Favorite LegìIators -

Back Home from Washington? , --

r{Co11ue Satioii.Sen. Phil Gramm , fX 1,356 air miles 190 pounds $141.30 '

1fQfl;:Ä;to E1Hcmpea41 :.:u air Órnnds £2410]

Sen. Paul WellstoneI Northlield. MN 931 airmiles 150 pounds $100E15_

LRep. Newt Gingrich I

Jonesboro. GA 547 air miles 195 pounds $102.89

Sen. Dennis DtConcini Tucson, AZ I 1,956 air 180 pounds S194.75" .-----------,. ----

C2: Dnemeyer _FulIertonCi _ ,

-. - _l7Opoundfl $184,33

Sen. Edward M. Kennedyj,Iyannisi

MA 353 air miles 235 i,ounds Si i 5.80

nAkniC .SimDson Çody-WY J..Mtai

A reminder: postal customers who expect their legislator to be deliveredbefore Christmas should plan to mail early! Gaiy í%lcKechnie

TNt FINE PRINT CONTINUED

multimedia dance thing wewont to produce about thisconflict Marcuse Off Flat-

bush], the vital social corn-rnunity role which thecheese counter has playedwill be lost forever, height-

ening the increasing senseof alienation felt by manyCoop members.

"Al Levy responded toeach of Joan's points deci-sively. He said that. . by

working downstairs, cheese-workers will be able to. . .cutcheese in a more efficientand hygienic way. . . . Al also

thought that cheese saleswould actually increaseunder the new system, be-cause people would nothave to go through the cum-

bersome process of orderingand picking up their cheeselater. . . .To put the debate ¡nperspective, Al said thatsince the early days of theCoop, cheese has becomea far less important partof members' shopping....'Pounds of cheese per capi-

to sold have plungedover the years,' hesaid....

"Finally, Al apolo-gized for the seem-ing secrecy of thecheese counter deci-Sian. 'I am sorry itwas not more in thepublic eye of theCoop, but I certainlydid not hide the de-cision from anyonewho asked,' hesaid."

raus ve s t t es tr'ansvesmi te.s

Once the debateconcluded, the mem-bership voted on amotion to form acommittee to exam-me the possibility of

an upstairs cheesecounter. lt was

soundly defeated.

NOVEMIR 1991 SPY 37

1 IJ2keo' C'A NorId without Ofildoess ID Our [ifetiffle

The New, Improved Comb-over--Illustrated History of Hair, Part VIII

United States Patent j9Smith et al.

(54) MFTHODOFCONCEAUNC PARTIALBALDNESS

6) Inventori. Frink J. Sinftb. 233 Cosmos DrivcDona'd J. Smith, S 7 BrockwayAve . bot1 of Orlando. Fia. 32807

221 Fled Dtc. 23. 1975

(2h Appi. No M3.681

f521 U.S.C1 .................................................. 132/531511 In.CI.2 ......................................... A41G3/0Of$8 FkId cl Se.rch .................. 132153. 54. 9. 7. 5.

2/9

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FIG I

I II 4,022,227

(45] May 10, 1977

56) RthrrncesCked

UNITED STATES PATE?TS

3.317921 Sf1967 Zarzour ................................ 2/93.464.424 9/1969 Buuelti I 32/7

3.811.453 5/1974 Bretton 32/53

Primary ExaminerG.E. McNciIIAIlOTnty, Age'u, or FirmJohn B. Dickman, Ill

t57) ABSTRACT

A method of styling hair to cover partial baldness usingonly the hair ()fl a persons head. The hair styling re-quires dividing a persons hair into three sectkrns andcarefully folding one section over another.

FIG. 2

I,_/ ./

FIG.5

s C1, é Drswfng 1urei

FIG.3

.

FIG. 6

METHOD OF CONCEALING PARTIAL BALDNESSBACKGROUND OF THIS INVENTION

For those people who are partially bald and wish to cover the bald area hair transplants,hair weaving and hairpieces are the most commonly used solutions. The cost of coveringbald areas by one of these methods can range from a few hundred dollars to thousands ofdollars depending on a person's choice and financial means. Some of these commonlyused bald area coverings require periodic care, which generally cost money.

Obviously a partially bald person without the financial means can not afford theluxury of such hair coverings. This person, therefore, has few options; he can attempt touse his own hair to cover the bald area, but generally most people do not have the abilityto properly pian a hair style that will look good, and most attempts result in brushing thehair in one direction over the bald area, or he can allow his baldness to show.

, --

-

38 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

The year: 1977. Male vanity ¡sraging, hairiness generally is derigueur, and America's love affairwith baldness is at an end: for thefirst time since its debut in 1973,Kojak fails to make the tp 25 inthe Nielsen ratings. Riding thewinds of the Zeitgeist, Frank andDonald Smith, a father-son in-ventor team based in Orlando,Florida, are awarded U.S. PatenNo. 4,022,227, "Method of Con-cealing Partial Baldness."

The Smiths' patent was for aunique new comb-over method.In the standard, inefficient sin-gle-shingle scheme, adopted bythousands of high school teach-ers, unsuccessful salesmen andMort Zuckerman, one sheaf ofhair is allowed to grow exceed-ingly long on one side of thehead to form a scraggly pennantthat is then flopped over and lac-quered to the cranial bald spot(see The Illustrated History ofHair, Parts IV [April 1989] andVI [August 1989)). The patentedSmith approach instead uses threeextra-long hair slats of equallength, gathered together atopthe head in a thatched-roof ar-rangement.

The Smiths didn't mention itin their patent, but their originalplan was twofold: first theywould patent the hairstyle (de-scribed in the patent as "a simplemethod to cover bald areas opera-ble by the user onhis ownhead"), then they'd invent andmarket a Vitalis-like fixative thatwould hold this complicated tri-cornered hair hat in place. PatentNo. 4,022,227 was the equiva-lent of the Polaroid camera; theSmiths would make their fortuneby selling the film.

idea," says 52-year-old

Donald Smith, today a retiredpoliceman in Orlando, "was tocombine the way my latherwhowas going baldlet his hairgrow [and] the perfect type ofhair solution to keep it down.Then, once we sold people on theid&i of doing this, we'd say, 'Butto make this work you need thissolution.' Biu we never gotaround ro mark*t tug the idea orhr dressing."

How did the innovative three-slat approach evolve' Accordingto Donald, Smith the elder wasbald halfway down his head tothe ear and neckline on all threesides (hair did grow just abovehis collar). The single-shingleflip would have provided onlyparcial, mid-scalp coverage.

Donald was the concept manof the team, while Frank (whodied a few years ago) was thechief engineer. The pair spentmany months in the early 1970smixing potions in Franks homeworkshop, then resting them onFrank's working-prototype dome.'He grew his hair just like in thepatent drawings," says Donald."Three sides. l'd go over, andwe'd mix I 5 or 20 things togeth-er and ajply them. I dont re-member what-all it was now, butit worked. We got ir to hold. Thewind would blow it, and itwouldn't move. The solution,wl)atever was in it, did not lookwet or greasy, though it did havekind of a graying effect on thehair."

Unfortunately, as Frank agedand lost interest, the idea driftedinto obscurity. Donald says hehas never made a penny on thepatent and has no plans to go for-ward now with phase two of theoriginal plan. " Frank and Iworked best together, though Istill think it's a wonderful idea,"he says. "I just wish Frank washere now to hear this phone call.'

A/ex Heard

"PsstUeyKid, IaDa D Soe Fishio Tackle?"

You don't have to walk through a city park on your way to work everyday to have noticed those cute little two-by-two-inch zip-lock plasticbags strewn on the ground. They're everywhere. Now, we know andyou know what they're used for. Why is it, then, that the manufactur-ers and distributors of the bags claim to think otherwise? We askedsome company spokespersons exactly what their products are used tocarry.

I"Inkctious hazards"Gregory at Com-Pac. Carbondale, IllinoisI'Marbles, beads, tic tacks, golf tecs"Len a A-Pac Manufacturing,

Grand Rapids Michigan,.. Dirt samples"Mark at

Day-Pat, Dayton, OhioI" Fishing tackle" Bill at

Rickart, Harrland, WisconsinI"Arts and crafts"l.inda a

lluckster Packaging, Houston,Texas

I'Little nuts"Shelly at Pak-Sak, Sparta, Michigan

Coins, shells, art supplies.SCe(lS, parts. tobacco, police evi-dence. . . "l.anning Bag (llar-yard, Illinois) catalog

*If a guy's got a small partthat he wants to take in and OUt and not lose it"

Village, Illinois

Bob at Ar-Bee, Elk Grove

A few employees did grudgingly admit that their pmduct might con-ceivably sometimes be used improperly for illicit purposes. One em-ployce oía tiny-plastic-bag manufacturer said he became a little suspi-CiOUs when a young man 'Sin a very expensive sweatsuit. . drove up in aMercedes and asked to order 25,000 self-scalers. . . . He said he wasusing them for car leasing."

Despite the usual application of the miniature bags, the Drug En-forcement Agency does not classify them as drug paraphernalia. "Noteveryone who uses plastic zip-lock bags is a drug trafficker," says aDEA "cannabis investigator." "Packaging material in and of itself isnot illegal." Nevertheless, a number of manufacturers and distributorswere under the impression that bags smaller than two inches squareare illegal, or at least officially discouraged. Several said they had re-ceived letters from the DEA asking for the names of people who or-dered the smallest bags, and some mentioned a memo from industryleader that asked other companies to join them in a ban onthe baby baggies.

Susan Baker, an investigator for the DEA, could neither confirm nordeny the existence, saying only that local DEA branches mightask hag manufacturers to furnish names "as a courtesy. " Minigrip salesmanager Ken Richardson was even less certain about whether his com- :pany had ever distributed a memo. 'There might be someone herewho could know that," he said, "but it would not be myself."

Karen Harricono'g

\OVEMBIR I)')i SPY

4OSPYNOVEMBER 1991

----

\ik0' C)'Meet the Nohelisfs!

This Months Question:Where do butterflies go when it rains?

Merton H. Miller, 1990 Nobel Prize in Economics: "Fi! bedamned. . . .1 think they stay out in the rain, thats all. It's justwe're not out, so we don't notice them."

Philip W. Anderson, 1977 Nobel Prize in Physics: "Oh, my! Idon't know! I know where bees go: they hide in the flowers.Over the years, we've had a flower garden; my wife is an avidgardener, and I am an avid outdoorperson. This year we've hada particularly large number of bees and butterflies. We noticedafter a rain we'd move up to the flowers and have to be realcareful, because there the bees were. We haven't seen the but-terflies. I suppose they do much the same thing, except theymaybe get under a branch or something."

Jerome I. Friedman, 1990 Nobel Prize in Physics: I wouldimagine beneath the biggest leaf they could find. I'm sure ifyou ask some botanist, he would know exactly. . .or someonewho specializes in insect behavior."

William F. Sharpe, 1990 Nobel Prize in Economics: I havent thefoggiest. . . . I don't know anything whatsoever about suchthings. One of the great temptations, when you get in the po-sition that I've found myself in, is that people ask you ques-tions on ever so many things about which you know noth-ing. . .and that's a large list for me. Some of the people, Iguess, have succumbed over the years. It's very tempting to goahead and give opinions. Especially when you have them,however ill-informed they are. I try to resist. I'm not sure I al-ways succeed, but I try."

Roald Hoffmann, 1981 Nobel Prize in Chemistry: "Oh, they situnder big leaves, of course. . . . Occasionally I havewatched butterflies. I've watched a butterflychange, when our kids were small-er, from a caterpillar to a pupa to a ...

butterfly, slowly, but I don't know 'N . ..

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where they go. But I can imagine. I \ \know out in the forest there are allkinds of trolls. My wife is fromSweden. We know that --y1-under all kinds of leaves -' .

in the forests and trees ( . .

and moss, especially .-

under mushrooms,there is a lot of life .that we don't normally -

acknowledge. Trolls, "

elves, things like that. ,)And I'm sure the but-terflies know that, too." ,)

Gregg Siebben

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Socialite's slaying remains mystery uTr:p from high society to coIapsing W i

- . . g l .'flf rA s lAI S. I..w .41 '.. 7 Umarriage ended by Buckhead gunman ¡ .

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r,..., h . - i !,..l jt»kd . , i. ixw uk 1I tJ}LI dl'i i b 4 .'..- b..,l Uk Io bw . ,*..,i.d . jc ç ii'o '4 ____________________ ........ r. ..t... PO.'.. p . Lt uvq . , s. soawr SULLIYANII . . j .. j..., II4e« £ I N.. i tM Ad a tISI 1flÇW. l si'; '' 1 i -. -.5. .S .

Lita and Jim Sullivan,several years after their1976 wedding

Has a Palm Beach Millionaire Tríed to Get Away With Murder?

THE BUCKI-IEAD SECTION OF ATLANTA, WITH ITS LARGE, IVY-COVERED HOUSES AND ITS NARROW, TREE-

lined streets, is among the loveliest and most prestigious neighborhoods in town. On Friday, January16. 1987, at 8:20 in the morning, Lita McClinton Sullivan, an attractive 35-year-old socialite, opened the doorfher townhouse, located three blocks from the Governor's Mansion. There she found a balding, middle-aged

flan who had apparently come to deliver flowers. Instead, he shot her three times with a 9mm automatic pistol.l'hc second and third shots were superfluous: the first hollow-point slug had entered her head and killed herins(antly. Before leaving, the murderer indulged in a final act of derision, dumping the dozen long-stemmedf()SCS he had brought across her body.

January 16 was supposed to have been a momentous day for Lita McClinton Sullivan, although not quite sodramatic. That afternoon, Fulton County Superior Court judge William Daniel had been scheduled to handjiown a pivotal ruling in the bitter divorce trial in which Lita was embroiled with her husband of ten years.Jtmes Sullivan. Judge Daniel was going to decide on the validity of a postnuptial agreement the couple had,igned. and the stakes were high. If the agreement was upheld. Lita Sullivan would be entitled to only $25OO

\OVIM}31 K I 'P' SPY s -

per month in alimony. If it was overturned, Jim Sul-livan would be obliged to fork over as much as half ofhis wealth, which had been estimated at $6 million,including Casa Eleda, his 57-year-old, $3 millionRomanesque mansion on the ocean in Palm Beach. Ofcourse, the murder ofLita Sullivan rendered the wholeissue moot:Jim Sullivan would have no ex-wife to payanything at all.

Forty minutes after Lita was murdered, a collectwas made from a pay phone at a highway rest area justnorth ofAtlanta. Someone at the home of James Sul-livan in Palm Beach accepted that collect call. The timeit would take to drive from the murder scene to the restarea is about 40 minutes. That night, Sullivan had acozy dinner at an intimate Palm Beach bistro with hisnew lover. At no time during the next few days - at notime during the next few years, for that matterdidhe offer any expressions ofsympathy to his dead wife'sfamily: no call, no card, no flowers, no word.

Four years later, despite an extensive investigationby the Atlanta police and the FBI, Lita Sullivan's killerremained at large.

ThE FIRST TIME I SAWJIM SULLIVAN, IN APRIL, 1 WAS

surprised by how small he was. Before our formal in-troduction, I had been speaking to him over the phonefor more than a yeara friend recommended Sullivanas someone who would be helpful for a financial storyI had been writing and I came to expect a much big-ger person. Sullivan isrich, and until recentlyhe was the chairman ,

' '..

of the Palm BeachLandmarks Preserva- ________________________________tion Commission. .

Among his friends ______and acquaintanceswere Pulitzers, Du '

.

Ponts and Dodges. Hehas a strong, resonantvoice, one that un- .

mistakably reveals hisBoston roots, and his k

speech, just short of -

being clipped, is al- L

most military in style.But contrary to all

preconceptions, Sulli- -.

van tops out at about .'

fivefootseven,andheis startlingly thin. I

learned that he main-tains his weight at 125 pounds. "I've always

'

_: .

kept my animals a few pounds under- . ,

weight' he told me later, speaking of the .. . . i.

dogs he used to breed, "and they've lived a . i . s . . s

longer. I believe it's the same for people:' s s

Sullivan and I were meeting for brunch,' ' ' '

.. ,

44SPYNOVEMBER L99i ' i ,

and at his suggestion we went to Testa's - in his words,"the only place to have brunch:' He is that kind ofman, one with unapologetic opinions about mattersof taste; it's not hard to picture him presiding withauthority over Preservation Comm ission meetings,not allowing his lack of training in architecture orplanning to get in his way. At the restaurant we talkedmostly about the William Kennedy Smith case; Sullivanwas well spoken and informed, and quite charminga trait, I would come to see, that was most evidentwhen he was in the company ofwomen. And thoughthe restaurant was crowded and the staff was harriedand the matter under discussion involved a possiblecriminal assault, things were, all in all, pleasant.

Then our food arrived. Sullivan's sandwich was onwhite bread. His face tightened. Barely controllinghimself, he dressed down the waiter. "I wanted mysandwich on whole wheat, not white' he snarled in avoice audible tables away. "Now take this back, and seeif you can get it right next time:' Sullivan must haveseen the shock on my face, because in an instant hewas back to normal. He apologized for his outburst."But,John,' he added, "you have to stay on top of someof these fags, or they'll walk all over you'

Later, when a friend told me thatJim Sullivan wasthe chiefsuspect in the murder ofhis wife, I wasn't en-tirely surprised.

Two months later, Sullivan called me from South-ampton, on Long Island. He was staying with friends,and he invited me to come out from the city for a fewdays. He had been a good source for my article, and theprospect of spending a couple of days in a big houseat the shore wasn't without appeal.

I arrived shortly before lunch and ended up spend-ing most of the afternoon on the tennis court withSullivan, who proved to be a determined, tenaciousplayer. After cleaning up, we all went out to a res-taurant. Sullivan drove his 1973 Mercedes. We had anice time. On the way home I sat in the passenger'sseat, his friends in the rear.

The roads on the easternend of Long Island are lit

.

poorly if at all. Drivers makegood use of their high-beams,

and vacationers fromNew York City often for-

;' get to switch back to reg-

, . ular lights. Several miles. from the restaurant, we

'\ crossed an intersection;" - . ..a car was waiting to turn

onto the road we were travel-ing. The driver had neglected:- to lower his high-beams, and

. before long his lights hit our'-. rearview mirror.

An annoyance, certainly, butSullivan became perturbed in

t's either the signthe extreme. The of a clear conscience," he told me,transformation wasamazing.Hegripped "or no conscience at all"the steering wheeland clenched his teeth. "Look at what they're doingto me," he hissed. "I'll get them." He pulled over ontothe shoulder and let the other car pass, then pulledout in pursuit. "Watch what I do to them with myhalogen high-beams;' he said, flooring it. When hewas doing 70 mph and had closed to tenbehind the other car, Sullivan hit his high-beams. The other driver veered slightly butheld on. Sullivan stayed on the car's tail for afew more miles, until it turned offonto anotherroad. (I would subsequently discover that I

had been riding with a driver who was un-licensed as well as high-strung. In 1989 thestate of Florida reviewed the 17 citations Sul.livan had received over two years and revokedhis license for five years.)

Later, after we had returned home and madeplans for the next day, Sullivan told me that henever rose before nine in the morning. Then helooked me in the eye and, lowering his voicean octave, said, "That's either the sign of aclear conscience or" now whispering"noscience at all:'

Only in the retelling does it seem like a slightlycrous scene, something from one of the less memor-able episodes of Coltimbo. At the time, late at night ina big Long Island mansion, I suddenly believed thatSullivan really could have murdered his wife. The nextday, he invited me to stay at his Palm Beach home inAugust. I accepted. In the meantime, I began trying torind out everything I could aboutJim Sullivan and thedeath ofhis wife.

owner in Palm Beach inclined to do a little remodelingor adding-on. Consequently, Sullivan, whom a formerfriend described - obviously in plumper times - as «140pounds ofunbridled ambition;' became a fixture at allthe right parties, where his intelligence, good looks,faux-

SULLIVAN CAME TO PALM BEACH IN 1983 AND HAD A

fairly meteoric rise to prominence. He had sold theMacon, Georgia, liquor distributorship he had in-herked from his uncle for $5 million and was set to be-gin living at least one version ofthe American dream:43 years old, rich, fit, retired. Still, he had goals. Per-haps something in his Boston Irish background helpedhim recognize that there were ways to advance throughpolitics, and in 1985 he threw himself into the PalmBeach mayoral campaign of Deedy Marix, the ownerola local travel agency. When she was elected, MayorMarix, grateful for Sullivan's aggressive and enthusias-tic support, named him to the city's Landmarks Preser-vatjon Commission; in 1988 she elevated him to thechairmanship.

Sullivan had picked his political payback shrewdly.Palm Beach is a town where social cachet is measurednot entirely in dollars, since theoretically everyone iswealthy, but in social recognition. Parvenu or not, asa member ofthe Landmarks Preservation Commission,Sullivan would have his favor curried by any mansion

Brahmin charm and ownership ofa choice piece of realestate served him well. By 1988 the Palm Beach Daily

News was describing him as "a potent political force:'There was a large cloud on his horizon, however: he

was having trouble with his marriage. While still liv-¡ng in Macon, Sullivan had expansively courted LitaMcClinton, who was pretty and well connected andten years younger than he. A graduate ofSpelman Col-lege, Lita was the sort who enjoyed volunteering forgood causesin the weeks before her death, in fact,she had resumed those activities, helping to organizea New Year's Eve charity ball to raise money to fightcystic fibrosis. She also liked clothes; in fact, she metSullivan in a boutique where she worked. Today he de-nies that he ever loved her"It wasn't love, just lust;' heungallantly saysbut he succeeded in sweeping heroff her feet. As often happens in marriages where ayoung woman weds an older, successful man, Lita as-sumed a passive, almost subservient role. This enabledSullivan to persuade her to stay in Atlanta during thefirst year of their marriage, 90 miles from where hewas living and working. During that year he lied topeople in Macon, denying that he was married.

Part of this secrecy no doubt had to do with LitaSullivan's race. She was black, and Sullivan knew thismight be an impediment to certain ofhis social aspi-rations. Indeed, once she moved to Macon, the diffi-culties began. Shortly after her arrival, some anony-mous racist had a truckload ofwatermelons deliveredto Sullivan's office. I once asked him why he thought an

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 45

uki's hand would drittonto the leg of he guest particularly While re-

if he was richer than Jim"

Irish Catholic from the North could live with a blackwoman in a place like Macon and ?zot expect conse-

uences. "H,bris!" he answered. "I wanted to show peo-pie I could get away with anything

After Lita moved to Macon, Sullivan kept her underhis thumb. His former employees remeinber that Litawould have to come to the office to get money from himjust to get her hair done. Sullivan, meanwhile, didwhat he wanted, including having affairs. One ex-employee told me that Sullivan would use her car topursue his afternoon liaisons, because his car, a Rolls-Royce, was a tad too recognizable in downtown Macon.Often, upon his return, Sullivan would toss her thekeys and tell her, "You need gas in your car:' Accordingto another worker, Lita eventually caught on afterfinding, amid the detailed phone logs Sullivan kept,repeated messages from a friend. She confronted him,and though he vehemently denied any impropriety,things were never again the same between them.

After the Sullivans moved to Palm Beach, they foundthe racism to be subtler than a truckload of watermelonsbut ever present. lfthey were trying for a new start, theeffort did not last long. The marriage was in shambles.By August 1985, Lita McClinton Sullivanwho hadendured open bigotry in order to be with her husbandwho had indulged his philandering, who had accepteand even apologized for his abusive behavior to her iipublic - had had enough. She moved back to their Atlanta pied-à-terre and filed for divorce. Jim Suilivaicountersued, charging theft, drug use and adult,,rj(

SOON AFTER LITA DECAMPED TO ATI.ANTA, fiM Sui.livan began an affair with Hyo-Sook "Suki" Rogers, th35-year-old wifewife, in fact, for the second timeof Leonard Rogers, a friend and fellow Palm Bealmillionaire. According to Sullivan, "Suki was the loofmy life'

Or at least the obsession ofhis life. There are storie:ofhis following her and sneaking behind cars to spyher; he even assaulted a much larger man whom Sukihad begun dating after her husband discovered shewas seeing Sullivan and threw her out oftheir home.Sullivan's attentions worked; the couple married inSeptember 1987, eight months after Lita's murder.

A Korean immigrant who had come to PalmBeach via Chicago, Suki Rogers was, during thoseyears, stunningly beautiful. Sullivan today allegesthat while in Chicago, Suki was a prostitute. How-ever, he was unable to back up his claim, and Sukideclined to speak to me. One thing is certain: Sukiknew how to profit from her liaisons. Her net worthwhen she took up with Sullivan was $421,000, thefruit of a bad marriage that had ended before hertwo bad marriages to Rogers.

4('SPY NOVIMIM:R jI)()

searcuing tnisarticle, I discovcred that before

Suki began her affair with Sullivan, she had demandedthat Rogers put her name on the deed to his home, andhe had refused. Perhaps this mistrust drove her intothe arms ofJim Sullivan. But whatever the reason, Sul-livan made a point of telling me that in September1987eight months after Lita's murder and twoweeks before he and Suki were married - he enteredher name on the deed to his mansion as a joint tenant.if I died, I wanted her to get the house, Sullivan ex-plained, taking pains to add, "I didn't want my chil-dren (there are four, ranging in age from 18 to 25,from his first marriage, which ended in divorcel to getanyrliing' Though blindly in love, Sullivan neverthe-less had the presence ofmind to have Suki sign a juitclaim" deed, which would give back to him full title tothe house if they broke up. When they split in June1990, he exercised it immediately.

Sullivan, it seems, was lying to me. I spent a day inthe file room of the Palm Beach County Tax Office,digging out the deed that had made Suki halfowner ofSullivan's mansion. The FBI had never seen this docu-mentwhen I showed it to the special agent on thecase, his surprise and interest were clearand as faras I know, ncither had the Atlanta police. This is not

surprising; investigators search-ing for evidence iii the death ofLita Sullivan would probably beinclined to look at documentsfrom before her death, not after.

The deed was supposedlynotarized on September 15,1987. On the actual document,however, the 7was handwritten,covering another number. I tookthe document to a police laband had the 7 removed. Un-derneath was a typewritten 6,making the actual date of no.tarization September 15,

1986. That may explain whythe year 1986 also appeared inthe upper right-hand corner.There were other discrepan-cies as well. On the document,Sullivan attested to being amarried man. That was trueon September 15, ¡986. lt wasfalse a year later, when Sullivanclaims the deed was filed: Sukiand the widower Sullivanwould not marry for anothereleven days.

The significance ofthis alter-ation cannot be overstated. Ac-

cording to Florida law, real property owned by a mar-ned couple cannot be deeded to a third party withoutthe signatures of both spouses. Lita's name does notappear. Under Georgia law, generally speaking, par-ties in a divorce suit are prohibited from disposing ofreal property once a divorce has been filed. If Sullivansigned over halfofhis $3 million house to his mistressin September 1986while he was still married toLita, and four months before her murderit wasagainst the law in both Florida and Georgia to do so.More to the point, ifhe had tried to file the deed, Litasurely would have refused to cooperate and wouldhave raised the issue during the divorce. It was a docu-ment with no validityas long as Lita was alive. Andit was a document with no point - as long as Lita wasalive. And since it was invalid when signed in 1986, ithad to be changed in order to be filed a year later.

Suki may have been the love of Sullivan's life, butmoney was clearly the love ofhers. One Palm Beach so-cialite told me that at (tinner parties, 'Sukis handwould often drift onto the leg ofher male dining corn-panion, particularly ifhe had more money than Jim'And in Palm Beach, it wasn't that hard to have morcmoney than Jim. Though apparently wealthy Sulli-van owned an expensive house on the right mile anda halfofPalm Beach, and he had sold his business for$5 millionhe had financial problems. The payoutfrom the sale was spread over six years, and capital-gains taxes were taking about one-fifth ofthe proceeds.Also, he had to pay back in a lump sum the $1 millionhe had rather too freely borrowed from an employee-retirement fund in order to finance his new house, andbesides that, he had to meet payments on a $900,000mortgage on the place. Plus, he had to keep Suki enter-tamed. Sullivan was in no position to absorb the costof a big property settlement in Litajs favor.

Thus, in September 1986,Jim Sullivan had certainproblems. He had money problems. He had wifeproblems. He had girlfriend problciììs. He must haveknown that Leonard Rogers had lost Suki when he re-fused to sign his property over to her. I)id Sullivanfret that he WOUl(l lose her in the same way? Did hethus sign the appropriate documents but then post-pone their filing, waiting for. . what? Lita Sullivanto disappear?

I later discovered an amazing thing: Sullivan was at-tempting to float this lie about the deed past memonths after the truth had been disclosed in court. In1990, when he and Suki were divorcing, her attorneyasked Sullivan why he had given the deed to Suki whileLita was alive. Sullivan gave no real answer. Apparentlythe attorney didn't mention that the deed had been al-tered. The attorney then asked if Sullivan thought hecould get away with this because he knew he was goingto have Lita killed. Sullivan took the Fifth.

Then, at another point in those proceedings, Sukitestified under oath that at home one night, afterdeliberately turning up the television, Sullivan had

tearfully told her that he'd "hired someone to murderLita, to get rid of herS Suki acted as though this newshad come to her as a shock. Still, one can't help butremember that the deed Sullivan had presumablygiven her in 1986 was useless as long as Lita lived. DidSuki - shrewd Suki, savvy Suki - know that soonenough there would be no one to object to her beingthe joint tenant of Casa Eleda?

IN AUGUST, 1 SPENT A WEEK ASJIM SuLLivAN's HOUSE-

guest in Palm Beach. Why did he invite a reporter?Hubris, perhaps, or maybe just the need for compan-ionship. I discovered shortly after I arrived that sinceJunejust after his return from SouthamptonSul-livan liad been serv-ing a one-year sen-tence ofhouse arrestfor perjury, a felony. Itseems that in 1990,Sullivan was involvedin a fender benderwhile driving withouta license, and he per-suaded Suki to testifythat she had been be-hind the wheel. Thisso angered prosecu-tors that they wentafter both of them,leaving Sullivan nochoice but to plea-bargain and do astretch of soft time.Sullivan's sentencestipulated that he beconfined to hishome - the one on thebeach with the winecellar and swimmingpool - seven days aweek. The exceptionto this was that Monday through Saturday, between thehours of9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m., he could, after noti-fy ing the police leave his residence for business and shop-ping errands. The Palm Beach County Sheriff's Depart-ment could monitor Sullivan via a transmitter attachedto his left ankle that sent signals to two computerizedreceivers in his home. Because ofthe size of Sullivan's"prison some 17,000 square feet that he occupied allby himself, one computer wasn't sufficient; the $270-a-month operating costs were borne by the inmate.

Oddly, Sullivan seemed to have gone out ofhis wayto evoke a prison atmosphere. The house was dirtydusty and in terrible disrepair: the ceiling in one up-stairs bathroom had a foot-and-a-half hole, and theTown Council had recently cited Sullivan for havingan overgrown lawn. Additionally, Sullivan, a notoriouscheapskate I saw him using the plastic wrapper

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 47

from one morning's Wall StreetJoiirnal to cover a bowlof food he was going to heat in his microwave oven -had decided against running any ofthe air-condition-¡ng systems. Dank, humid, quietthe place had afeeling of despair about it that was palpable.

In the months I'd known Sullivan, I had been un-able to shake the sense that he was playing games withme. He knew that I had been a police detective andthat I worked as a journalist. I had no sense that hewished to be caughthe was deeply familiar with theAtlanta Police Department's investigation ofbim, andcalled them oafsbut I think he enjoyed toying withmy suspicions. Soon after I arrived, hetold me he had left two books for meon my nightstand. One ofthe books was ScottTurow's Burden of Proof ' ; 4ii

in part the story ola man ,: .

presumed guilty of acrime he did not, in fact, ._ .

-

commit. The second wasa pamphlet of poems byJ. L. Diamond, M.D., en-titled Winter ofMy Time. -

The following excerpt isrepresentative: -

How sad death is so finalSo complete ...

Life so fragmentary.

How sad when death loomsSeldom ready...Time rarely in place.

How sad death lingersoften pitifully...Unwilling to let go.

How sad death is painfula sudden calamity...Unprepared are the future heirs.

Sometimes the trouble with dyingIs knowing that its happening.

Sometimes with suddennessOut of the clear blue.

During my stay, Sullivan spent a goodI

part ofevery day working with his files.'

He wrote in his diary daily and kept .

_

, . .

copious records. He had piles and pilesofnewspaper clippings and documents - . '.packed into a second-floor office. Thesehabits enable him to be extraordinarily pre-cise when he wants to be: at a recent civil-court pro-ceeding, in which he was testifying against GeorgeBissel, a convicted con artist who had defrauded Sul-livan out of more than $1 million, Sullivan was ableto say that he had been in Bissel's company exactly109 times.

When not poring over his various records, he per-

48SPYNOVEMBER 1991

formed mundane chores: the laundry, shopping, muck-ing about the pooi. Dinner was usually set for seveno'clock, and afterward we would sit out on the lanai,facing a fountain that stands in the courtyard in thecenter of the house. The fountain, of course, didn'twork, leaving us little to do but watch lizards run inand out ofthe overgrown bougainvillea. We talked ofthis and that, but mostly about him. Sullivan would sitin the same seat every night. His patterns never var-ied. Once, at dinner, he went to retrieve somethingfrom the kitchen, and I filled our wine goblets. Whenbe returned, he looked from glass to glass, his eyes

darting, and he briefly seemedangry. 'John,' he said evenly,

"I believe you have

A

my wineglass' It.

hadn't occurred to, , f me that he had a

I special glass, and I: was astonished thats he could tell the.... difference between

i

-k'; what appeared tome to be identicalgoblets. "How can

-- -you tell?' I asked

' .

. -- -... ,*.,.., him. He told me_j .. %. that his glass had a

.. ..

- . -.- small chip on the.

%IÌ\

fstem. The chip was

..

-

- minuscule.. 'j. After several

nights on the lanai, I finallybroached the subject at

. hand. Jim," I asked, "did you-

arrange to have Lita killed?"He puffed on his cigar

thoughtfully for a moment

Ibefore answering. "Whathusband,' he finally said,

- "would be foolish enough to

4lì have his wife killed on the.

-1very day there is to be an im-

. . portant court decision?"He seemed intent on dissembling, so

I tried a different tack: "Well, who do!J you think murdered your wife?"11llL'iiii:&' Again he paused to mull over his an-- swer. "Well,John' he finally said, "did I

tell you about the life insurance her fam-

uy received?" He went on to explain that thesummer before her death, Lita, at her parents' request,had taken out a $250,000 life-insurance policy, whichlisted her parents as beneficiaries.

"Jim, are you suggesting that her parents wereresponsible?"

"They did get all that money' he said in his clippedway.

tter several nights on the.

The idea seemed lanai, I finally broached the subject.improbable (andwould seem more so "Jim," I asked "dud you have Lita killed?"two weeks later whenI niet the McClintons - she a 50-ish homemaker, he a57-year-old government official, as decent and mild-mannered a couple as you would like to meet). Ipressed him further: 'Are you trying to tell me Lita'sparents would have murdered her for the money?"

"Well, maybe they weren't responsible,' he allowed,"but I think they knew something'

"About what?"'About Lita being involved in carrying drugs:' He

mentioned that Lita had been dating a prominent At-¡anta business executive. "I think she may have beencarrying drugs for him'

I asked ifthe executive had ever been implicated inany drug deals.

"Nor Sullivan said, "but his company did go out ofbusiness. You know, he was black'

"What does that mean?""Nothing, except you never know with those people:'

Sullivan, who ¡s quite familiar with the investigationinto Lita's death, acknowledged that the police hadfound no evidence ofdrugs in Lita's townhouse, and headmitted that apart from occasional recreational use ofcocaine during the 1980s, Lita had no history of druginvolvement. Sullivan then offered a second theory:"Marvin Marable could have done it to get even:'

Marvin Marable, a former New York State trooper,was a small-time businessman who had set up numer-ous get-rich-quick schemes in Atlanta. He was mar-ned to Poppy Finley Marable, an old school chum ofLira's. Poppy and Lita had renewed their friendshipwhen Lita left Sullivan and returned to Atlanta.(Poppy was present in Lita's townhouse at the time ofthe murder, lending her support during her divorce.)According to Sullivan, Marable had thought his wifewas cheating on him, and so he'd put a tap on herphone and recorded her conversations. Lita hadcaught him and reported him to the police. Marablewas charged with illegal wiretapping and pleadednob contendere. He ended up with two years of pro-bation - hardly the sort of thing to inspire a revengemurder.

Sullivan then told me something remarkable: he hadlistened to the tapes. "Marvin contacted my lawyer inAtlanta Sullivan said. He said the tapes would be help.ful against Lita. But my lawyer didn't want any part ofthem. I told Marable to send them to me. There musthave been 300 to 400 hours oftapes. I remember listen-ing for days. Poppy and Lita talked about the places theywere going and the things they were doing" Sullivan alsosaid there were conversations between Lita and thebusinessman she was dating. "There was talk aboutdrugs and parties and other people she was seeing:'

I wondered why Marvin Marable, a black, street-savvy go-getter, would care enough to reach out and

help a rich white Bostonian in Palm Beach. Sullivan'sspeculation "1 don't knos maybe to get even with hiswife or something" seemed weak. I wondered whyneither Atlanta police investigators nor FBI agents hadsought to listen to the hundreds ofhours' worth of theprivate calls of Lita Sullivan - tapes that her husbandheard and that have been maintained byjohn Taylor,the attorney representing Sullivan in the divorceproceedings with Lita.

WHAT IS ON THE TAPES? PERHAPS, AS SULLIVAN SUG-

gests, they contain nothing but the prosaic conversa-tions of Lita Sullivan and Poppy Marable, two oldfriends' chatter. Or perhaps they have interesting in-formation about the first time that death interceded,very conveniently, to enhancejim Sullivan's financialstanding.

In 1974, Sullivan was a 33-year-old accountant, liv-ing in Boston with his first wife, Catherine, and hisfour youngchildren. Nothing about his circumstancessuggested he was on the fast track. Then an uncle inMacon, Georgia, Frank Bienert, the owner ofa largeliquor distributorship, madejim an attractive offer: i'min my sixties. getting close to retirement. and i have no childrento leave my business to. Come help me mn the place, and I'llgiveyou a share ofthe business. It was an offer Bienert hadearlier made to Sullivan's brother, who hadn't work.ed out to Bienert's satisfaction and was dismissed.According to Sullivan, after extensive negotiations, heagreed to move south; the agreement they reached heldthat he would receive 10 percent of the business andthat the share would gradually increase to 48 percent.Sullivan also prevailed upon Bienert, as part of theagreement, to change his will and make him the soleowner of the business upon the uncle's death.

"After I was there only ten months:' Sullivan glee-fully told me one night, 'the fat old bastard keeled overfrom a heart attack, right onto a pallet of vodka:'

Marveling at how coincidence and sudden deathmanaged to play such a forceful role injim Sullivan'slife, I went to Macon. There I found that Sullivan hadbeen lying to me once again.

In Macon I talked with more than 20 people, in-cluding former employees of Bienert's who remem-bered Jim Sullivan. Many of them remembered thatthey didn't like him very much, that they found himcondescending and rude. They also remembered thatduring the ten months they worked together, Bie-nert had grown angry with his nephew's attitudeand behavior. By the end ofDecember 1974, Sullivanwas on his way out. Numerous employees say that forall practical purposes he was already fired.

On December 30, Bienen drafted an indictment ofSullivan's transgressions, which he intended to present

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 49

n September 6, FBI agentssearched Casa Eleda. They ti'e possibility.

- - Three days ear-found four guns, including a sawed-off shotgun. liei on Decem-

to him on Friday,Jauuary IO. "I am reading this statc-ment as an indictment to record the pOor performanceofyour tenure, it read, "and use this means to strivefor. . . consciousness of the many unsatisfactory andunresolved problems of your operational manage-ment - the worst of any I bave experienced - and onewhich was leading to chaos.

"You havent carried your weight, earned yourkeep. . .or made our lives easier, better or happier foryour coming here. On the contrary, you have madethings harder for just about everyone. . .and have puta serious and undue strain upon me and my family'swell-being. ...

"Further, you have shown little reciprocity, appreci-ation or constructive response and action. You havemade our relationship a one-way streetyour direc-tion only. In short, you havent . . . been a good relation.We expected much more.' Bienert worked hard on thestatement. There were four drafts, and it went on forseveral pages.

fhough Bienert was unremittingly blunt, he didhold out to Sullivan the slim possibility of anotherchance. Still, it does not seem he put much faith in

ber 27, Bienerthad drafted a codicil to his will that removed Sullivanas executor, and he'd sent that codicil to his attorney,Ellsworth HallJr. Bienert must have then reflected onthe matter further. I spoke to an old friend of Bicnerts,a Macon contractor who had a weekly golfing datewith Bienert and Hall. He told me that on their outingthat week, Bienert had told I-Jail to revise his will andeliminate Sullivan as a beneficiary.

Hall must have sensed no urgency. The codicil wasnot filed and was later disallowed, and the revisionwas not drafted. But sometime after lunch on January3, the day Sullivan returned from a vacation inBoston, Frank Bienert, 65 years old but in goodhealth, became violently ill. Overwhelmed withnausea and bouts ofvomiting, and unable to catch hisbreath, he went home early. Relief was not forthcom-ing; the symptoms persisted into the next day, and hebegan passing black stool. Bienert, a man whose worstgastrointestinal complaint until that time had beenmild indigestion, was internally hemorrhaging.

Despite his distress, Bienert was not taken to ahospital. His wife, Agnes, was a Christian Scientist.She had once sat in a chair for three days with a brokenhip, waiting for God to cure her. Family members, cer-tainly, were aware of the depth of her beliefs.

Five days after he was stricken, a dying FrankBienert called a trusted employee, who immediatelytook him to the hospital. Jim Sullivan somehowlearned ofthis and rushed to the hospital, arriving intime to sign the admitting forms. Bienert died withinhours. i'hc attending physician attributed the death tocardiac arrest. No autopsy was performed. Jim Sul-livan handled the funeral arrangements. He shippedthe body to Boston after ordering the mortuary toprepare it for cremation.

I spoke to Dr. Michael Baden, the chief of forensicsfor the New York State Police, and asked him what hethought ofthe case. He was appropriately cautious andadvised that Bienert's symptoms were consistent withmany conditions, one ofwhich, however, was poison-ing. He noted that doctors frequently miss poisoningin their diagnoses, since the symptoms resemble thoseof other, more probable conditions. I asked him specif-ically whether the symptoms were consistent withcoumadin poisoning, and he acknowledged that theywere. Coumadin is an anticoagulant, and its proper-ties were well known toJim Sullivan. His first wife re-quired an operation to relieve a clotting problem shesuffered during pregnancy. She remembers him engag-ing in long discussions with her physician about thedanger of hemorrhaging that coumadin presented.One week after Frank Bienert's death, Catherine Sul-livan packed up her four young children and left hersuddenly enriched husband forever.

ONE NIGHT IN PALM BEACH, OUT OF THE BLUE, JOEL

Weissman, Sullivan's divorce lawyer, told me who hethought had killed Lita. "I believe Suki either knew ofor was responsible for Lita's murder' he said. I had thedefinite feeling Sullivan had put him up to this. Laterhe elaborated. "Jim Sullivan:' he said, "is a genius, amastermind, and could set you up, but he would be in.capable ofsetting up Litas murder:' Before I could askWeissman about the apparent inconsistency of thatstatement, he abruptly said goodnight and left. WhcnI told Sullivan about Weissman's abrupt exit, he hc-came upset. "That was rude' he said, "but he's a Jewand lacks taste"

Later I asked Sullivan ifhe agreed with Weissman'sstatement about Suki's being a potential killer. "Sukiwas not capable of such an act' he insisted. But irseems he gave the proposition some more thought.The next day, while I was accompanying Sullivan onsome errands, he told me that although he still thoughtSuki incapable of Lita's murder, he remembered thatshe had once threatened the former girlfriend of hernew lover. "I can hurt you:" Sullivan remembered

leapt up to answer it. Ten minutes passed, then hereturned. "I'm going to be on this call for a while' hesaid cheerfully. "Let's talk more about this tomorrow'We never broached the subject ofLita's murder again.

SECTION 1952A OF TÌTLE 18 OF THE U.S. CODE

prohibits the use of interstate-communications facili-tiesthe telephone, among other instrumentsinthe commission ola murder-for-hire. It is a broad stat-ute, meaning that the elements ofproofrequired for aconviction are nowhere near as rigorous as they wouldbe for a more specific crime, such as murder itself. Un-der this section, the government would not have toidentify the person who pulled the trigger, only showthat interstate-communications facilities were used toarrange the murder and that money changed hands.

To prosecute James Sullivan successfully, the goy-ernrnent would have to prove that he had a motive;his unwillingness to split his assets with Lita and hiskur of jeopardizing his comfortable life would surelysuffice. The government would have to show that hisintent was to eliminate the threat to his assets and way

of lifeLitaand that he usedinterstate-communications facili-ties to accomplish the murder. Nodoubt the long-distance call fromGeorgia to Palm Beach just afterthe murder would come into evi-dence. The government wouldalso have to prove that someonewas paid for the murder.

Armed with a warrant ob-tamed with evidence I gave them,the FBI searched Casa Eleda onSeptember 6. Among the items

they removed were a handgun, a rifle and two shot-guns, one ofthem sawed-offitems that a felon is notentitled to possess. The Palm Beach prosecutorbrought weapons-possession charges against Su i I ivan,and a judge immediately revoked his house arrest andput him in prison. Meanwhile, the FBI agents begansifting through the other items they'd removed fromthe house. A week later, on Septeynber 13, the FBI ar-rested Thomas Henley, a 34-year-old Georgia man,and charged him with murder, accusing him of beingone ofthe men who participated in the shooting. In anaflidavit in support ofthe arrest warrant, the FBI linksSullivan to the plot. They are also seeking MarvinMarable for questioning. No doubt they are hopingthat Henley or Marable will help them develop thefinal bits of evidence they need to bring Sullivanto justice.

The night of Henley's arrest, Catherine Sullivancalled me. She told me she had told someone close toher, a family member, about my theories concerningthe death ofFrank Bienert. " '0h" Catherine Sullivantold me the relative sadly replied, " 'I always thoughtJim killed Uncle Frank"

hcr telling the woman.After dinner that night, we parked ourselves on u

pair of mildewed couches out on the lanai. Sullivanisn't the type to squander money on profligate electric-ity use, and the only illumination was from a smalllamp and the glowing ash of his cigar. Sullivan askedme how my work was going, and I told him I hadn'tdecided yet whether I had enough to write a story. Ireminded him that his lawyer was sure Suki had killedLita, but that he, Sullivan, thought it might have beenMarvin Marable, or drug dealers. I decided then todeliver a message. "If I discover it's Marable," I toldhim, "I'll write that. If I discover it's Suki, I'll writethat. But,Jim, if I discover itas you, I'll write thaC

His body tensed and his face hardened, and I sawhis fingers gripping his brandy snifter so tightly that Ithought it would shater. Then, in a voice that was atfirst barely audible but steadily increased in volume,he said, "John, I am not interested in social redemp-non; I am interested in money. In fact, I may write myown book.'

For a while thereafter we sat in cold silence. Fi-nally mercifully the phone rang, and Sullivan

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 51

How lt's Possible to Become a Titl

t, t/l1;e1411f

SPY \ VI II I

Member of European Nobility for Less Than the Price of a Hyundai

A A HE PLAYBOY MANSION IN BEVERLY HILLS HAS BEEN THE SITE OF

f I many insanely over-die-top spectacles during che last twodecades, but few have approached the insanity of the proceedings that occurred one sunny morning in 1989, ashort time before Hugh Heiner forsook his bathrobed-groove-machine persona and married 26-year-old Kimber-ley Conrad. Ou the day in question a small crowd of attendants were dispatched to the mansion's entrance togreet the Rolls-Royce Shadow that had just pulled in the driveway. From the car emerged a distinguishedman clad ¡n official-looking royal regalia, complete with medals, a sash across the chest and a two-cornered hat.This resplendent figure was escorted into the mansion's library, where Hei, in black tie, and his bride-to-be, im-maculately turned out in a red silk dress with mink cape and three-yard train, greeted him. A hush fell upon theroom, which had been done up in ersatz medieval-bordello style (low lighting, brick fireplace, a throne beforewhich lay a velvet pillow crossed by a saber), when the decorated man, His Highness Prince Frederic von Anhalt,Duke of Saxony, Count of Ascaniamore commonly known by his other title, the eighth Mr. Zsa Zsa Gaborseated himself upon the throne and instructed Conrad to kneel before him on the pillow. Wielding the saber,Prince Frederic declared in German, "In the name ofthe House ofAscania and continuing in the tradition of Al-brecht the Bear, I do proclaim thee a knight." Though Conrad, who was named Playboy Playmate of the Year that

year, speaks no German, she cried after the ceremony, apparently suffused with joy over her ascent to the aristoc-

racy and her newfiund association by marriage with more truculent Gabor sister.For the privilege of being married to Princess Kimberley Conrad, Hei

shelled out $550,000 to Prince Frederic, who had himself become a

prince through purely financial means: many years ago, when he wasmerely Robert Lichtenburg, a bank teller from Karlsruhe, Germany, thefuture prince made a deal with the impecunious daughter-in-law ofKaiser Wilhelm to obtain a royal title in exchange for a yearly payment

of 2,000 marks. (He stopped paying her after three years.) Indeed, any-one with the funds and desire to obtain a royal title can easily do so.What you get for your money is rarely tangible in the material sensemore often it's signet rings and writing paper, not castles and fiefsbutthe more expensive titles definitely have more to offer the viscount-come-lately than do the cheap ones.

The sum of $300,000 , I learned, would purchase the title of PrinzVon Sayn-Wittgenstein, an honor that allows you to claim the ancestry

ofCharlemagne's battle opponents and the philosopher LudwigWitcgenstein; a no-frills Scottish lairdship, on the other hand, could beobtained for a few hundred dollars. And deals? I found them galore.Right now may be one of the best times ever to buy a title, the marketfor royalty being as depressed as that for real estate. And remember that

in a recession, cash is king. A spokesman for the Chase Manhattan Banktold spy that while Chase doesn't have an explicit policy concerning the

financing of royal titles, personal loans are available for practically anypurpose, and royal-title seekers wouldn't be disqualified.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO OBTAIN A TITLE? THE CONCLUSION I CAME TO,

after months of studying Burke's Peerage and answering newspaper adver-

"I dub thee queen of thePlaymates!": Kimberley Conrad'sknighting, as pictured ri theGerman magazine Bunte; noteHef I beaming in the background.

NOVEMBER t991 SPY 3

tisements for German baronies and Serbian dukedoms for sale, is that get-ting a title ofany kind is like joining a club that has the requisite snooti-ness and exclusivity but no sports or dining facilities. Sure, the House ofLords pays its peers $128 for every day they show up and offers a view ofthe Thames, but that's about as good as it gets. An equally importantconclusion is that titled nobility take themselves seriously and, for themost part, are taken somewhat seriously by others [see "His LairdshipTakes Manhattan," page 58). But is a purchased title as good as the kindyou inherit? Shockingly, in most cases the answer is yes. Most titled fami-lies throughout history began as ordinary families in which one member,through money or marriage, acquired royal standing. Within a generationor two of a commoner's urc1ase of a title, people forget how long thepurchaser's 1anilv has [ . been titled. In France, forexample, there are now two aristocracies, one con-

sisting of those whose an-cesrors survived theRevolution, the other con-sisting of the descendantsof Napoleonic pretenders.

A AOIP1IIS SCOUÌSH IaÍPsHÌv

cao He oh1oìeO te

just D Jew huoOPe Oollars

Europe's tapped-outnobility is all too eager tocorrespond with check-book-wielding Americans.

In typical French fashion, the latter group has become every bit ashaughty' and unpleasant as the former.

IN MOST COUNTRIES IT'S ENTIRELY LEGAL TO BUY A TITLE. ONcE THE PAPER-

work is signed, the money paid, and your name altered on the record books,you really are the rightful owner of your title. The next trick is to get your-self listed in one of the royal directories, such as DeBnttc Peerage or Burke'sPeerage in England, or the Dictionnaire de la uzoblesse française in France. From

there, it's your prerogative to avoid employment, appear smug in paparazziphotographs and romp around Nice in a thong bathing suit.

After answering an advertisement in the In:er,,ational Herald 'friba'methat read, "Would you like to become an aristocrat? German baron offershis title to highest bidder," I received the following message, delivered ina crisp, cheery voice, on my answering machine: 'This is Baron Von derTrenck calling. I received your letter about the title. I am in Austria forthe next two months. So please call me. Thank you, sir."

I hastened to call the baron back. His phone was answered by a womanI took to be a maid, and after an appropriately long intervallongenough, I imagined, for the baron to traverse the expansive, Souid of

Musiclike manor house in which he surely livedhe greeted me. He ex-plained, charmingly, that he was in Austria for "the winter sports," andthat his ancestors had been wcII known in Germany since the year A.D.700. There was not even the strnblaiìcc oían investigation ofmy suitahil-

54SPYNOVEMaER 1991

icy to assume his title. He dc-murred on the issue of nuts-and-bol ts negotiations, referri ng meto his lawyer in Munich, the curi-ously titled Dr. Dr. René Platzervon Fabricius (a holder of twoPh.D.'s? A person with especiallybad handwriting?), who the baronsaid would contact me about thenecessary commercial arrange-fl1eflts. "Perhaps I may be in NewYork and we can meet then, or ifyou come to Germany, we canmeet in Munich. I will have mvlawyer contact you," lie told me. Ipromised to call him once I re-ceived his package. "Super, super.Michad," he said. Within a fejvdays, I received a letter fronrTheattorney, which confirmed two no-table pieces of information: that Iwould become entitled to thebarony by being adopted by VOnder Trenck in South Africa, andthat the price tag for the entiretransaction would he $ 100,000.

For days thereafter, I imaginedthat somewhere in the AustrianAlps, the baron, reclining in sometavern between luge runs, with asong by Abba playing in thebackground, would be seized bythe memory of his debts. Butthen he would recall this Amen-can in New York, who might buyhis title and replenish his coffersfor another year of the good life.With that he would order anotherbrandy. Of course, I hadn't themeans to replenish his coffers formore than another couple of daysof the good life, but the imagemoved me.

After a maddening three-weekreriod of waiting fon more infor-marion, I received in the mail alarge yellow box containing a Po-lanoid of the baron (which re-vealed him to be jovial-lookingand 50-ish), a book in Germanoutlining the exploits of his an-cestors, a map of the traditionalhomestead (no longer owned bythe family) and a scrapbook ofnewspaper clippings about a lesti-val held every year in the town ofWaldmünchen. lt was customary.

the baron's letter explained, for amember of the baron's family toattend this historic celebration,known as the Von der TrenckFestspiele, which was staged forlocals every yearand, he im-plied, this would be one of therights of my title.

Thrilled as J was at the pros-pect of quafling Weissbier and gob-bling wursts with my subjects, Iwas hazy as to what other privi-leges the Von der Trenck baronyentailed. I pressed Fabricius, andhe explained, "Generally speak-ing, the privileges connected withthe title are mostly in the form ofan honorarium. Should, however,a member of the Von der Trenckfamily acquire and own the estateof Schakulak, situated in East

Prussia (currently part of the disintegrating Soviet Union], he acquireswith it the title ofcount (a more impressive title than baron). Under thechanging conditions in the Soviet Union, this should become a possibilityin the near future. " Intrigued, I wrote to Fabricius once more, to lobbyfor a reduction of the title's price. I wasn't about to spend loo G's just tolive in hope of reviving the East Prussian nobility.

Besides, by this point I had other irons in the fire, and I was no longeracting in my own interest. I had taken it upon myself to secure a title ofnobility for Walter MonheitlM, spy's persnickety messenger/critic-at-large and a man more qualified than most to claim regal status, since hewas actually born in Europe between the wars. My research on Monheit'sbehalf revealed countless nobi i i ty options to explore. One pretender whoseems perpetually to be hawking his good name in the classifieds is HisMajesty King Marcijan II Lavarello-Obrenovich, king of Serbia andBosnia (at press time, still in exile), whose ad declares that the king isseeking applications for a "limited number of noble titles. "

Upon answer-ing his ad in The New York Ti,nes, I received a letter explaining "the affairsof the Culniral Counsel of the Royal and Imperial House of Serbia andBosnia,' under the control of His Majesty King Marcijan II Lavarello-Obrenovich (in exile), are being conducted. . .by Baron Robbert W. H.van Haersolte" in Berlin. The baron, who signed the letter, added, "We

FAKE ROYAS, HEAL PHESIIGEThe New American Czar Glut

Dan Quayle "Competitiveness czar" Chairman, Competitiveness Unavailable for comment Spokesperson says no.

(Business Week, February Council; vice president, United

27, 1989) States of America

Jack Kemp "Poverty czar" (The Wall Secretary, Department of Spokesperson says poverty czar is a Spokesperson says yes.

Street Journal, February Housing and Urban Development; misnomer: " He wouldn't designate

22, 1991) chair, Economic Empowerment himself a czar. He doesn't reallyTask Force like it. "

E. J. 'Zeke" Illinois's 'gambling czar" State representative, Illinois "It's like a double-edged sword... . No.

Giorgi (Chicago Tribune, May General Assembly It's a little disappointing to be

30, 1990) remembered as the gambling czar."

John Macfarlane Canadian TV's "news Managing director of news, "To call me a czar [is] really Yes.

czar" (Maclean's, features and informational laughable....To act like a czar [at

September 10, 1990) programming, Canadian TV Clvi would be impossible. But I hopeto know that pleasure someday."

Reuben Greenberg "Crime czar" of Mobile, Public-safety director, Mobile "It's a good feeling, but also a No.

Alabama (Atlanta terrible burden. You work harder,

Journal, May 20, 1990) trying to develop the expertisepeople expect you to have."

Or. John Lyons "Standards czar" Director, National Institute of Aide says. "This is a federal Aide says yes.

(Industry Week, July Standards and Technology research laboratory. We do not

2, 1990) issue standards. That's tasteless tolink someone in industry withwhat's going on in Russia, isn't it?"

John Garamendi "Insurance czar" (Los California State insurance "It beats Communism." "I was there in '86 and

Angeles Times, May commissioner have had a stomach

19, 1990) virus ever since."

David Hyatt

require your personal partic- without question internationally."(

ulars which must stand up As for how long it would take,çT.' to any investigation." No "the time frame involved, from re-0. problem, I thought. I wrote ceipt of the application to final

,

back Baron Van Haer- granting of title of nobility byø__' . -:. '.

_.41.=... - solte, saying Walters "en- His Majesty, is normally not more.: . - - --:;. .

.-. ... -.=-.-'- trepreneurial and other than six (6) weeks." My mild at-- .

..

-. ;ò;:7r,. ..

j'.' _r__..J_ --- talents have led to a success- tempt at bargaining was: . ful life with many accom- ignoredthe king maintained his

. s plishments in different high five- and six-figure askinge.' industries, including that of prices. I decided to take Walter's.

.

=..."r- '-r- movies as well as publish- and my business elsewhere.

j ing." So began anotherround of negotiations. TRADITIONALLY, THE MOST POPU-

S King Marcijan's offer lar source of titles for Americans

E-L;-turned out to be murky. In has been England. Anglophiles

! f'

:II1

an inspired bit of hawks- all, we can't resist the tempta-.

manship, he'd decided not tions of tweed or of saying, "Let'ssimply to sell titles straight- shoot a brace of quail. '

Sadly,'1iI

forwardly but ro ask would- however, real British titles,be lieges to send him cash, known as peerages, are reservedwhereupon he would or for those born to them or those

wouldn't grant a title according to his royal whim. Confidentially, the who contribute large amounts ofbaron indicated that "the titles of Baron, Count and Duke are at your dis- money to the party in power orposai. The family name depends on the title and refers to a location or a render some equivalent service.landscape and is chosen in a way it is easily expressible for American The easier-to-obtain titleswide-tongue." The suggested "honorarium" for the available titles ranged from ¡y advertised by the British real$50,000 to $200,000. In return, Count Monheit could expect the follow- estate firm Bernard Thorpe anding perks: a conferment certificate, the familys coat ofarms, the chronicle Partners and an organizationofthe Lavarello-Obrenovich lineage, a signet ring and writing paper. called the Manorial Society of

A Wall SireetJournai article revealed why His Majesty needed the Great Britainare known asmoney. The king, or kralj in his native tongue, had for many years lived "lordships of the manor. " MTVin an unheated apartment, with nei-ther queen nor heirs. Forced out of

DA. KISSINGEB REGREtS..'-« ---- . -' .

power at the turn of the century, thefamily had had its remaining landstolen by the king's accountant, and

What good are titles ifyou can' flaunt them? After dropping a bundle for WalterI

a burglar had lifted the then king's Monheit's lairdship, WC wanted to introduce him formally into Society. Fifty swells(includitg Ralph Lauren, Claus von Bülow, Liz Smith, Henry Kissinger and Sly

crown, Marcijan sounded like a real Stallone) vere invited to join Laird Walter for 'the Glorious Twelfthan actualloser, but I figured a title was a title. &ottish holiday celebrating the first day ofred-grouse shooting on the moors. Of

I wrote to His Majesty's baronial course, we never intended to hold the event; we just wanted to see who might considersecretary to explain that Walter spending a weekend with a titled person they'd never heard of.wanted to be a duke but was also in-cerested in the lower-rent possibilities WILLIAM BUCKLEY'S OFFICE: 'He'll not be able to go. You know, he doesn't plan to be

of becoming a count or baron, and I flying to Scotland." JOHN SUNUNU'S OFFICE: "He cannot go. We have some business

asked how much of a donation WSto take care of." Lt he aware u're oringJree transportation? "Yes." BE ROSENTHAL AND

SHIRLEY LORD (HER OFFICE): "She wanted me to get a few more details." We explainedrequired for each. Giving no quarter. what the Glorious Twelfth was; later her secretary called back: 'She'll be in Montana atBaron Van Haersoltc responded, "Is i the time But she would like to remain on your mailing list. "

PATRICIA KLUGE'S[sic) already mentioned it is His Royal not familiar with him. Does he have a business here" He spends most of

Highness only who decides about an

[EWeehis time grouse-hunting. "Oh. . . . Who else is on the guest list?" lt's a very big list. Who isn t

application for a title and the ade- - _ on it u'ouldtake less time. "Okay, I'll be in touch." We

quate fee." In response to my 1" received a call with Mrs. Kluge's regrets. SYLVIA MILES

question about how the title ''' (AFTER BEING ASSURED SHE'D HAVE FREE LODGINGS): 'lt

would be conferred, the Baron k'''' sounds interesting. I might very ve!l be able to come."

wrote, "Titles conferred by His\

'« we informed her the event was canceledLaird

Majesty are by Letters Patent--'--' Walter had been injured in a hunting accident. "Well,".''

and are therefore recognized m» lct'strYagain for next year." )

56 SPY NOVEMBER I 991

gave one away last year, and thissummer British Airways offeredone in a promotional campaign.Even Sotheby's tried to auctionone off not long ago, this one inStratford-upon-Avon, but thebids didn't come close to the re-serve of25O,OOO.

According to David Wil-liamson, coeditor of Deßre#s and

an authority on English nobility,there is no connection whatsoeverbetween the easily purchasedlordships of the manor and theblue-blooded peers of the realm.Consider, for instance, Joe Hardy,a Pittsburgh lumber baron whorecently threw a large party inwestern Pennsylvania celebratinghis elevation to the lordship ofthe manor of Henley-in-Arden,Warwickshire. ("It's just a biglaugh," says Hardy.) Upon acquir-ing this particular lordship forS170,000, Hardy feted guests athis spa complex with bagpipemusic, champagne and musiciansfrom the Pittsburgh SymphonyOrchestra. Lordships of the manorwere originally the smallest unitsin the old feudal system. In 1922the titles were separated from theland they described. Subsequent-'y, most people forgot about themuntil a businessman namedRobert Smith founded the Mano-rial Society of Great Britain in1981. Operating from a smalloffice next to a fish-and-chipsplace in a seedy part of London,Smith began tracking down heirs,buying up the rights to theirnames and reselling them to par-venus. Frequently Smith's dealsleave you with nothing but atitle, and his prices reach into thehundreds of thousands of pounds.Given these circumstances, Ithought it best to seek out morereasonable options.

I found two brokers of titles,cach with full portfolios. Thelirst, a French stockbroker named

(;hristoj,h Paikert, representednone other than Baron Von derTrcnckthe man who had al-ready offered me a German

barony for $100,000. Paikert's asking price of$l40,000 gave me an ideaof the markup. Then again, ir suggested that Paikert was on the level. Hesaid many of his customers were wine merchants or others who could de-rive a marketing benefit from using a royal name. "In Germany," hewrote, "lives a lot of nobel [sic) people who have all the same problem:the maintain of their castle or of their family. The solution of this is ofcourse the adoption." He faxed me a list ofavailable titles. They includedthose of Prinz Von Hohenzollern, for $280,000; Prinz Von Sayn-Wittgenstein, the most expensive at $300,000; and Baron Von DerRopp-Cram, the cheapest at $ I 30,000.

When I mentioned that Walter is in his sixties, Paikert raised a poten-tial problem. Under German law, the person being adopted must be atleast 18 years younger than the PCtSOfl doing the adopting. Finding anold enough baron might be tricky. What about doing the adoption in an-

other country?, I wondered. He answeredthat he liked Germany because the processwas quick. But there was, he said, anotheroption: marriage.

lt turned out that Paikert had just theperson in mind. The asking price for the

Now is a ooO tiffe to huy a title, Ilie

ifiarket lOP Poyalty 001011 S

oevesseo s thAI 10 rei estie

In his official limo on Fifth Avenue,Bensonhurst's newest airdmake thatBensonhurst's only lairdfits right in.

young woman, Countess Von I lasslinger, age 26, was $175,000. I wroteinquiring whether conjugal relations would be required. I also askedwhethcr the countess would accompany Count Monheit out on the town.After all, I wasn't about to get Walter involved in an unhappy Charles-and-I)iana situation. Paikert did not answer the first question but assuredme that "if required the Countess ofcourse will travel with Mr. Monheitto different occasions. . .but please do understand that the Countess's Fam-ily no longer attends the world famous Balls, Horse Races etc. due to thefinancial situation." In response to my question as to whether the countmight enjoy any special privileges in his region of Upper Saxonya pighere, a chicken there, the ancient seignorial right to the maidens of thevillagePaikert wrote, "There are no more political or other privilegesconnected with the title, except that even to this day, the common peo-pie treat a count with the expected respect." Paikert said the marriagewould take only three days to arrange. As an added incentive, he men-tioned that someone had recently asked him if he knew any good candi-dates to appear on Lifestyles ofihe Rich and Famolls.

And then I hit the jackpot. I'd begun a correspondence with a man bythe name of Baron Wayne B. de Montfort-Yeager, who has offices in theIdle Hour Center in Lexington, Kentucky. The Baron De Montfort-Ycageror Baron Wayne, as I took to thinking of himsoon sent me anentire booklet on noble titles. "Besides the obvious fun of being calledCount So-and-So everywhere you go," it says, " . . .something should also be

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 57

bi!

A Sf7 PRANK: IllS LAIROSOIP lAKES MANHAITAN

We decided to test-drive the Scottish lairdship we purchased for Walter Mon- heitTM by dressing hmin a convincing Scotsmans get-up, as best as we could surmise from Scotch- whiskey adswoolenGlengarry cap, bright red tunic, tartan kilt, tasseled shoes, knee socksand loosing him upon thehot spots of haute New York's upper reaches for an afternoon. Recognizing that no self-respecting laird would travel alone,much less by taxi, we equipped Monheit with a black stretch limousine (with the flag ofScotland affixed to the antenna) andan entourage consisting of two men in jackets and ties and two gorgeous young women in glamorous but understated outfitsFrom spy's Union &uare offices the limousine repaired to Mortimer's, the hoity-toity Upper East Side lunching spot of theidle rich, and there began Laird Walter's Manhattan adventurean adventure during which every stranger he encounteredtook him and his title utterly seriously.

(rï_.12:30 p.m. The entouraqe, which has spent most of the ride from Union Square earnestly discussing Laird Walter's imaginary

--- war service under Montgomery in North Africa, empties from the limousine and enters Mortimers. A female operative notesthat three megasocialitesBLAINE TRUMP, CAROLYNE ROEHM and GAYFRYD STEINBERGare seated just a few tables away.

12:40 p.m. A waiter appears. An entourage member asks him to describe the Scotch whiskeys available; the waiter complies.Laird Walter, a teetotaler, interrupts and asks for something sweet. "Sweet?" the waiter asks. " Uh, I'm sure you know a lot

more about Scotches than I do, but I'm not sure which is sweet. " After some hurried, embarrassed discussion, it is determined thatLaird Walter doesn't want Scotch but something along the lines of orange or cranberry juice. The waiter brings the laird a combinatioof the two.

12:55 p.m. Laird Walter orders the grilled salmon, with spinach soup for starters. GLENN BERNBAUM, the owner of Mortimer's,walks up to the table to greet Laird Walter. A male member of the entourage says to Bernbaum, "You know the laird."

Bernbaum graciously shakes Laird Walter's hand.

1:00 p.m. Pay dirt? GAYFRYD STEINBERG, en route to the ladies' room, stops by Laird Walter's table, drops her hands on thelaird's shoulders, leans over and whispers in his ear, "You look absolutely wonderful. We're all sojealous." Before walking away,

she gives him a small, affectionate squeeze on the shoulders.¡

j& ' .

for the advantage of a title in the singles scene. Being a Baron orBaroness makes finding dates much easier, certainly, but the real benefitcomes from the wider exposure due to more invitations, everyone wantingto set their daughter up with The Count.' ' The book discusses a wide vari-ety of titles for sale, from membership in the Knights of Malta ($2,800), tothe Order of the Cordon Bleu du Saint Esprit ($2,500), to Eastern Euro-pean titles from HRH Prince Alexis dAnjou, grandson ofthe last czar, whois said to bestow them in return for donations to his favorite charities. Asthe booklet notes, "This may make a portion of the cost tax-deductible.'

Subsequent correspondence revealed even more deals.

Quite intriguing was the baron's reference to making a

"Belofi a BaPOH or Oarooess makes JiDihilil saies

Ililicli easier," says ooe U.S.-haseo tille oker

Mere mortals must schedule anappointment; riot His Lairdship!

client a consul-general from "just about any Third World country to justabout anywhere else for $ i 5,000." "Mr. Monheit," Baron Wayne observed,"would receive not only official ambassadorial identification (thereby elimi-nating tax liabilities), but [diplomatic license) plates and diplomatic immu-nity as well." The latter could come in especially handy for Walter. As awild-card option, the baron mentioned the Compte de Paris. "The Compte,"he wrote, "has no Letters Patent proving his country, but all ofsociety recog-

5$SPYNOVEMBER 1991

nizes him as such, so he is, ipsofacto, the Count. We can arrangeto have your employer created ei-ther Baron Walter Von Monheit;Walter, Baron de Monheit; or Rt.Hon. Walter Monheit, Baron ofWhatever. My fees for this serviceare usually around $2,500, but Iwould rather have the distin-guished Mr. Monheit as a clientthan the extra money, so I'll dropthe price to $1,500. I sincerely be-lieve that this barony offers acost/benefit ratio that is unbeat-able."

Still, the cheapest deal re-mained a Scottish lairdship for$600. Moreover, it would bequickest to obtain. I offered $450on Walter's behalf, half payable upfront, and asked if I could put iton American Express. The baroninsisted on cash, but we had adeal. The idea, he explained, wasto buy some lairded land. Withthat, Walter would become LairdMonheit. No matter that theamount of land was rather smallone square foot, to be precise.

September 1987

- TIlE Mj \ Who 1)FFND THE Mou- Do Mafia Iawyersoops. a/lege/

i- Mafia lawyers, that isrtiillybeIiev theyre performing apubIi services

November 1987

KENNII)Y BAsIIIN.;!The unsold story uf(:h;i1'1quiddick anti an interfaithymposiurn: will Teddy burn inhell'

March 1988

ii 1iìi 1111)1-AX GENERATIoN1m Okay. Yotire Late: the fetish

for jonal, prioritizcJ life-stylemanagement. Plus. inside Mensa!

April 1988 ________Titt NIcE isstiFI laroki Wtshinrons tliet ofdoch. The SPY guide to

posrmodern everything. The newurban best iary. Pius. ¿hostwriters!

May 1988( )ME To R,vr Criy!

They live in our walls. they chewthmttl our sheet metal. theyCOLLl(l come ui through youtnititi: the definitive story on rats.

July-August 1988

iAK I (,I

The First Annual Pro-Amlronman Nightliíe I)ccathion.The George Bush hrieIin 1)00k

Plus. return to Grenada!

wnat You've BeenI

---I October 1988

!iicSPV lOO

Our annual roster of the 100 most

ww annoying, alarming and appalling.-. - lX.0l,le, places and things, topped

by Al Sharpcon.

November 1988

11 I

Dean & Jerry. Mitk & Keith.Mailer & ViciaI, and more. Thetouglxst weenie in Arncri&a:Rudolph Giuliani.

January-February 1989MR. Sit'i'ii Io \VASuINCIroN!Americas Ten DpicstLawmakersall those in favor.say /,h. Plus. terminal-impactenergies of the stars!

March 1989I,.,.ji- IT IRONIC'A straighi-Iiced look at the IronyEpidemic: how everything in tlwworld turned "funny"fromTwister to Twinkies.

,v ) April 1989

p.4) CarIIRIn' GARBM;E!

t(:()ff grounds of the rich anti

17.interoffIce memos of thefamousa scientific. sanitary andflot at ¡tll unseemly investigation.

May 1989

IVANAItASIA!A sjxcial inVestigative tribute toIvana rrUnp. and rh good andhad news abotit cryonics. Plus:the nubbins watch commences!-. September 1988

LII:E_sI I-JELL! OLIN SPEcIAL June 1989

LOS ANGELES Issuo LETS MAKE A DEAL WITh 111E DEVIL

Scientilk proofthat ifyou most Real-lite Fausts. from Ecl Koch toto Los Angeles. you will become ' . Jackie Onassis, and mediaJ oan Collins. Plus. inside Hers zillionaires Norman and Frances

pad! Lear. Plcis. taste-testing dog food!

July 1989SlIMMER FUN IssuE!I' really. really long article aboutWilliam F. Buckley Jr.! Cookingwith suet: a culinary symposiumon the Twinkie!r--------------------

MÌSSÌn9!NAugust 1989Who WAS \VII()

I-low time travel could reallywork. The little mogul thatcuuldnr: awful moviemakingwith Dino I)cl.aurentiis.

September 19891 Pè

other rich-and-famous parc-rime

VILI.A(,I: 11)1015

Zuckerman, Fayc Dunaway andHenry Kissinger, Mort

country m ice make glamorousnuisances of themselves.

October 1989luit SPY lOo

Our annual census of the I 00

most annoying. alarming andappalling people. places andthings.

November 1989Wii.c ANt) CRAZY VlPs!SPY goes undercover with HenryKissinger. Mciv Griffin andWilliam F. BuckleyJr. atBohemian Grovetheestablishmenrs secret two-weekfrac party!

[çjJ \ December 1989al

.

á

lft'' Titis .\Lc;AzINE OR WcaBURN Ti us FlAG

.1 Ourspectacular Bill of Rights1 - special. including eleven otherways (besides burning) todesecrate the flag.

January 1990

b(.Il.I)1N A I3EÌTER Cr.I.11uKI1Y

SPYs nationwide, statisticallyvalid joll reveals what Americawants from its celebrities. Plus,hos' to talk like George Bush.

L - February 1990

-

'l'l.\ I

V The free-money well runs dry.and Wall Street goes wacko! Plus,

. gratuitous mime-bashing!

...an mope!

spy BACK ISSUES ORDER FORMALL ISSUES $4.00. UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED

i1987 1988

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o

& 1:05 p.m. Members of the entourage note that many of the restaurants patrons are now looking over at the aird,.

casting respectful glances and, evidently, talking about him. It is also noted that Palm Beach socialite MOLUE WILMOT,

sporting a bright yellow jacket, enormous sunglasses and two-inch-tong nails, has commandeered a table in the restaurant.

"et i 1:20 p.m. A PAPARAZZO enters the restaurant and. by arrangement with spy, snaps several photos of Laird Walter.I

'-An entourage member asks the photographer to stop, saying, "The laird wants his privacy." She does and leaves.

r

1:30 p.m. Laird Walter snarfs down an order of chocolate mousse while the entourage pays the bill. On the way out, the lairdand a female member of the entourage stop at MOLLIE WILMOT'S table. The sv operative tells Wilmot, "The laird believes he may

have met you at Palm Beach." Wilmot, adjusting her shades, says, 'My, you look great. You look terrific." His Lairdship, ever thedebonair man-about-town, says, "I admire your nails. They're so long. " "Thank you, " says the strangely unfazed Wilmot. As theentourage leaves the restaurant, THE PAPARAllO once again besieges Laird Walter. Several passersby stop in wonder and ask the

chauffeur who the kilted man is. " He's a visiting Scottish laird, " says the chauffeur, who has not been informed of the ruse. Thephotographer persuades Laird Walter to go back into the restaurant and pose for a few shots with Wilmot.

/-_:2:00 p.m. Laird Walter and entourage load into the limousine and drive down to Bijan, the ostensibly by-appointment.only,

J grotesquely expensive clothier on Fifth Avenue. Laird Walter is admitted without an appointment and begins to examine themerchandise. He stops in front of a tweed coat with a mink collar. "We have a number of Scottish tweeds, " the salesman says. "Howmuch is the coat?" asks Laird Walter. " Nine thousand five hundred," the salesman answers.

- 2:15 p.m. Taking a cue from MIKHAIL GORBACHEV, Laird Walter decides to temporarily abandon his limousine and walk among

the people. His presence on Fifth Avenue causes a minor commotion. Tourists interestedly ask who he is. A homeless man,pulling a laundry cart of belongings, offers his salutations to Laird Walter.

2:20 p.m. Laird Walter is accosted in front of the Plaza Hotel by AN EXOTICALLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND ¡fl skintight, peppermint-stripedpants. The woman. who introduces herself as a Russian actress, poses for some photographs with the laird, flirting shamelessly

with him all along.

2:30 p.m. Laird Walter returns triumphantly to spy's offices and, remembering the afternoon's most magical moment, sendsr

flowers to the Park Avenue apartment of GAYFRYD STEINBERG, with the following note appended: "Dear Lady, Though we were not

properly introduced at lunch this afternoon, I wish to thank you for your kind compliment. It is my fondest wish that we may meetagain sometime. Yours, Laird Walter of Gleneagles. " - --- 1L1And then, ¡n an ekvIlth-hour surprise, I heard again from Baron Von

der Trenck. Apparently he had found a new lawyer who would chargeconsiderably less. "Kindly ignore all messages from my agent," he wrote."Dr. Von Fabricius is asking a big cut from our transaction. I have an at-torney in Ohio who will do it for half the price." He then dropped hisprice from $100,000 to an incredible $30,000.

With so many choices, I decided to consult an expert. Although BaronWayne had suggested that Scottish lairdships carry little weight outsideScotland, David Williamson ofDeBrett's said that in his view, a lairdshipwas actually more attractive than a lordship of the manor costing a hun-dred times as much. As for the German barony, although it was consider-ably more prestigious, there remained the problem that Germany nolonger really had an aristocracy, whereas Scotland sort of did. I instructedBaron Wayne to proceed.

The title arrived in its original mailing tube with U.S. stamps pastedover Scottish ones. Inside was a note from the baron and a deed on heavystock granting "Walter Monheit of Brooklyn, USA now 'Laird of theHeritage Estate and his executors and assignees. . . irredeemably All andWhole that plot or area ofground extending to one sjuare foot. . .togetherwith (one) the parts, privileges and pertinents; (two) the fittings andfixtures thereon and (three) our whole right, title and interest, presentand future therein," plus a map of the area. Also included was a note fromHighland Heritage & Souvenir Company, which counseled, "We hopeyou will find an opportunity to visit your new 'Estate' and as Land Owneror 'Laird, you will soon feel at home."

As happy as I was, I sent off a huffy letter asking why Laird Monheit'stitle was described in quotes. While assuring me that Laird Monheit was,indeed, a true laird, Baron Wayne volunteered to forgive the second pay-ment: "Mr. Monheit is indeed a Laird. . . . He is as much a Laird as anyone in

('()SPYNOVEMI3F.R 1991

Scotland, regardless of the lau hisestate is rather tiny. . . .Since itseems Mr. Monheit is not aspleased with the title as he wouldhave liked, we will accept his ini-rial deposit as payment in full,with no additional funds required.We are happy to make this offer asan act of good will and we hopethat you will contact us again onMr. Monheit's behalf if the needfor future titles arises. " Thus wewere able to pick up Laird Mon-heit's lairdship for a mere bag-atelle, $225.

Not long after, I called theHeritage Estate to inquire aboutWalter's new privileges. The ami-able salesman I reached, thrilledto speak to a satisfied customer,mentioned a marketing drive forlairdships he was about to beginin the United States. Then he saidthe words every commoner wantsto hear: "Can I offer you a compli-mentary lairdship?" "Sure," Isaid. I plan to visit my Scottishsubjects in the springjust intime for golfseason.)

Loll leiJnelìn, Goatees , HaPPY Conflict, iIiii Ìivií,

00-go Boots, iSCQ,PIaìONostalgìafflanìa Takes Us Into the Past!

NOW, How DO WO let Back?I have a dream in which I dont know what

year it is. A band plays trippy music, and I am wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt-1967? But the band's name is theStone Roses, and I don't remember them on the same bill as Moby Grape. A mesmerizing segregationist is run-

ning for governor in the Southokay, George Wallace, 1962but he's called David Duke. And my hair is cut

just like Sinatra's when he played the Paramount in '43. Only now he's called Harry ConnickJr. The beer I'm

drinking is made in a tiny local breweryjust the way it was in 1890but there's a golf-playing Republicanpresident, a hero from World War Il, who speaks in a confusing, hiccuppy dialect. 1955. Russia is undergoing

civil war, and the latest trend in archi-- tecture is a highly conceptual and pur- modern life. One is that everythingre-

R ui EM B R A N C E posefully alienating effort to break all lationships, neighborhoods, jobsseems

Suk n the rules and reject humanizing, tradi- so impermanent, so unstable; the other is

Which Bygone Erastional forms, so I guess it's 1919. But that Patrick Swayze exists. Thoughtfulhold on, Spartacies just been re- observers lament a lack ofcontinuity in

10,000 BC-

,.- j.. leasedis it 1960?and then I no area more than in our disposable cul-Robert Bly

p. see a picture in Vogue ola model ture: it's breakdancing one minute, Bez;-

wearing Capri pants. I 953. No, er1' Hills 90210 the next; one day JohnAD. 900 "4 flO, flOflOW I realize thatJerry Irving is a writer for the ages, then sud-the Middle East

:

Brown is running for president! It denly for all anyone knows Garp could.r _- must be 1975! It's horrible. be a Belgian soft drink. Have we becornea

1O6

Margaret Thatcher THERE ARE TWO FUNDAMENTAL AND

practical ly universal complai nts about

6' SPY NOVEMBfR 9YI

nation ofChanne/ .rwimmers, op-ed writerswill ask, muddling the youthful idiom,changing our values as easily as we push our

the Roman CatholicChurch

Scotland

Venice (Italy)

the Hasidim

THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY

Académie françaisethe Amish

remotes? But as commonplace as the ideamay be that we simply get rid olcukureonce we're done with it, way we dorazors, it is, in fact, completely wrong.Nowadays, tee can throw no cultural arti-

fact away. Cynics may be right whenthey say that even the nonmaterial prod-ucts ofour consumer culture are as cheapand lightweight as plastic, but they for-get what every environmentally con-scious person knows only too well:

plastic lasts forever.Indeed, far from

being ephemeral, ev-erything in our artand politics andhaircuts is repeatingitself endlessly, andnow more than everbefore do we seem tolive in the past.

What gesture or artifact of the last fewyears is truly and unabashedly new, asnew as abstract expressionism and the

- forward pass and la nouvelle vague were,as new as Ezra Pound or pop art or lanouvelle cuisine? Rap, the only newishphenomenon we have, is more than a

: decade olda new beat has never.

remained the new beat for solongand its most daring inno-

-f:vation has been. . .sampling. Atthe Oscars, Madonna imitatedMarilyn Monroe, and this was

really not a reference to MarilynMonroe but a reference to

Madonna imitating MarilynMonroe in her "Material Girl"

video six years earlier. Supermodel LindaEvangelista has changed her hair colorfrom platinum to red to achieve a 1950s,Rosal i nd - R ussel 1- i n-A ¡mile-Marne look.

Birkenstocks have returned. The bigsplash in literature recently was A. S.Byatt's Possessionremarkable for its pas-riche of nineteenth-century poetry. Whatis this year's most eagerly anticipatedmovie? The Addams FaniIy. Coca-Colatries to introduce New Coke; it ends upwith Coke Classic. The most excitingnew car to be introduced in years is theMiata, a dream version ola 1960s En-glish sports car. The hottest fashion pho-tographer of the moment is StevenMeisel, an unabashed imitator of Ave-don's photographs from the 1950s. Evenhistory seems to have run out of imagi-

_j nation. What happened in 1914? There

AppalachiaTed KennedyDaniel Patrick Moynihar

Nancy ReaganSwitzerland

Ken Burnsthe Mormo

Norman SchwarzkopfSouth Africa

RECONSTRUCTION

David Dinkins

Anthony Haden-G nest

Robert Maxwell

mollusk-orientedrestaurants

the Soviet republics

were troubles with the Serbs, then aRussian Revolution and the death of tensofmillionsofpeople. You might thinkthat after so much bloodshed the SerbiaQ uestion would have been settled, but in1991 the Balkanization ofrhe Balkanshas returnedwith all-new episodes!

We do not reject the past these days;rather, we reclaim it with relentlessefficiency and thoroughness. We seek outtiny artifacts like Rosalind RussellsAuntie Mame period and Birkenstocks,then polish them up and reuse them.Nostalgia, revivalism, neo-this and neo-that, retro-whatevertime has alwayscome in waves, one idea or event leadingto the next, but all the ripples seem tohave broken against the side of the tub;now they are rippling back.

NOWHERE I-lAS THE PAST WRAPPED ITSELF

around current practice more entangling-ly than in fashion. Since around 1987, allcouture has looked as if it had been de-signed one spring day in the 1960s:miniskirts, baby-doll dresses, suits andhats that belong on stewardesses in theearly jet era, psychedelic patterns, go-goboots, vinyl, cat suits, dresses withcutouts, Jackie O sunglasses, big daisyjewelry, shoes with square toes and thickheels. Correspondingly, street fashion hasseen the return of the peasant blouse,more miniskirts, bangles, big earrings,peace symbols, bandanas, jeans patchedwith bandanas, bandanas worn as head-gear, incongruous vests, Janis Joplinesque hatseven fringe.

It is not only the 1960s that have hada fashion revival, however. Neo-beatniksin L.A. coffeehouses wear berets and goa-tees. Details, the ,Mademoiselle for boys,recently listed the best vintage-clothingstores in the countr with a descriptionof their waresmostly in gabardine andrayon. The accompanying photographsshowed a young man who apparentlyyearned to be a member ofa bowlingteam in 1947. In a recent cover story,Sassy, the Seventeen for girls who are cool,told its readers how to create a i 940slook with their nails, makeup andhairstyle. This involves a lot of red, andSassy mentioned that Revlon would bereintroducing its Super Lustrous Lipstickin Raven Red, which had first beenlaunched in 1940. In British Vogue, theVogue for English people, we find a

NOVEMBER I9)I SPY 63

19oo

ChinatownMcDermott andMcGough

San Francisco

19 lOs

Louis Auchincloss

GermanyIreland

poetrySaratogathe Village

1920s

BrooklynNell CampbellWynton Marsalis

spread devoted to "Movie-StarGlamour"in other words, the 1930s.

Many people hold the belief that cele-vision and radio signals beamed intospace will ultimately be received byaliens who will puzzle over what this en-tity Maclock is trying ro communicate tothem. One wonders whether some strayasteroid has not crossed the path of these

transmissions and is bouncing themback to us. What other explanation isthere for the presence ofM,: Ed on

cable every night Certainly themusic on the radio sounds as if itwere echoing from a different era, and

rice again that era is the 1960s and..trly '70s: stations playing "classicrock," like the Who or the RollingStones, crowd the FM dial. The sound-track co The Doors went gold. The Grate-ful Dead have never been more popular.When music is not literally from the1960s, it often seems as ¡f itwere: fromthe Black Crowes to Lenny Kravitz toGuns n' Roses, bands have been revivingdifferent sixties sounds, sixties trap-

pings, generally a sixties groove.As is the case with fashion, how-

ever, music harks back not only to the1960s but simultaneously to other erasas well. Natalie Cole rose to No. i onthe Billboardcharts singing numbers as-sociated with her father, Nat "King"J- I The CD-boxed-set phenomenon

as resulted in a flood of grandiosereissues, in which a seventies tray-esty like Yes the samesolemn treatment as the thirtiesBeethoven recordings of ArturSchnabel. (In fact, CDs in general,along with movie videos, have pro-

'ideci a technological reason for the'ivalism gluteve)'thing is reap-

tearing.) House music, the music ofaffectless pop sophisticates like the PetShop Boys and all dance-mix musicsound suspiciously like disco, and ini 989 the Beastie Boysartsy blue-eyedrappersreleased Paul's Boatique, a fu 11-blown homage to the I 970s. Even punkis back: Sassy, my favorite magazine,quotes 20-year-old Ian (he may be 22;there is a controversy here) of the bandNation ofUlysses as saying, "(We're)against interpretive danci ng, voguing,hippie dancing. We're into short, quick,energetic motions. And when you danceyou should always fix your stare at some

Jay MclnerneyMike MilkenMiss AmericaMark MorrisPrince Charlesthe war on drugs

1930s

Danny Aiellothe American leftthe Army Corps ofEngineers

chewing gumVermontLew Wasserman

194 Os

baseball

Kenneth BranaghGeorge BushHarry Connick Jr.the daily tabloids

fire fightersJoe Franklin

Murray Kemptonlabor unions

: the Navy. ;-- '- Oliver North

ììJonathan Schwartz I

smokingthe UN GeneralAssembly

the West SideBruce Willis

()- SPY NOVEMBER 1991

unknown object. Never at your partner."I have a suspicion that the members ofNation of Ulysses can't play their instru-ments and are proud of this.

Since the vast majority of its workswere composed in previous centuries,classical music is inherently backward-lookingit wouldn't seem possible tomake it any more revivalist than it al-ready is. Well, conductors have found away: they realized that although therepertory may have been old, the perfor-mance styles were contemporary, so nowthe ascendant movement is to use ori«gi-nal instruments, tempi and pitches inorder to play all those works composed inprevious centuries with obsessive authen-ticity. Thus, Classical Classic is born.

Most movies are now genre pastiches:sci-fi, teen, horror, private-eye. ArnoldSchwarenegger is a well-paid SteveReeves, the B-movie muscieman of thel950s; TheGrifters was bad film noir. Inclassy pictures, quoting old movies isd ramatical ly self-conscious: Barton Fink

replays Nathanael West via Welles andKubrick, and DeadAgain is by-the-num-bers Hitchcock. In a parallel to the reis-sue ofold music in CD boxed sets,pristine new prints ofgreat old movieslike A Star is Born (the Garland-Masonversion) and Lawrence ofArabia and Citi-zen Kane and La Dolce Vita have beenstruck, and the films have been re-re-leased. Devolution is inevitable, howev-er, and a new, uncut print olA Star isBorn (the Streisand-Kristofferson vers ion)must be on its way.

Revivalism has had its most consciousand purest expression in postmodern ar-chitecture. A postmodern building rep-resents pastiche raised from ornament oroccasional witty indulgence to, well, thepoint. A postmodern building, in fact,does not really existit is only a willfulcollection of references, like footnoteswithout an essay. Recently, ofcourse, thedeconstructivists have rejected post-modernism and are instead designingstructures that purport to quote nothingfrom the past. The warm, cozy postmod-em pediments and clocks and stoneworkand shingles, they say, are reactionaryand sentimental. Mies van der Winkleawakes! Along with architecture, designhas spent the past few years simply mix-ing and matching. A Regency desk iscalled a Regency desk because it is dis-

. L'

accountants

Cindy AdamsAnita Baker

book publishersthe Boy Scouts .

the CIA'

Joan Collinsthe Friars Club

IBM, GE, USX,westinghouse,Raytheon

pHilton Kramer: the mob

Regis PhilbinDan Quayle

0- -

Ronald ReaganClaudia SchifferBrooke ShieldsMartin Short

Frank Sinatra

whiskey

O Leon Wieseltier

Yorkville

1962

Helen Gurley BrownCuba

East 57th Street

Esquire under LeeEisenbe rg

Hugh HefnerMike Nichols

Diane SawyerArthur Schlesinger Jr.Liz Taylor

John Updike

I

196Ü:

that cabbie who stillcomplains about JohnLind say

Channel 13

Deadheads

the DemocratsFrance

Vaciav Havel

NASA

the New York MetsOliver Stone

Trek kies

Gore Vidai

And Soon We'll Be NostalgicTor' Last TuesdayHOW THE GOOD OLD DAYS ARE GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER

Renaissance- 1830-90]- 1910e

THE BACKWARD-LOONG ERA

/1/THE GOOD OLD DAYS 01 CUO!CE

late 1920e

tinctly of the Regency period; the i 890shad art nouveau; the i 930s had art deco;the 1950s had modern. What is the sig-nature design style ofthe 1980s andcarly '90s? Retro.

I hope those minimalist painters andsculptors of the 1960s and early '70s areproud of themselves. There they were,stripping everything down to almostnothing, and. . .ìt worked. After DonaldJ ucid, there was nowhere to go but back-ward, and the minimalists were the lastgeneration ofartists who thought ofthemselves as nonallusive. Now we haveneo-expression ism , neo-geo, a renewedinterest in the figure. We also see thecommon tic ofappropriating imagesfrom the past and sticking them intoyour paintings. A relatedand for ourPtI rposes logical ly satisfyingstrai n ofart-in-reverse is the Duchampian effortofsome artists to deny that originalityeven exists. Sherrie Levine, for example,mounted an entire showa Sherrie Levine

showconsisting of Walker Evans pho-

Better cue up Wa/I Street on the laser-discplayer. Time to break out the Cristal.

Did someone say "Grenada'? That's right!Come 1992, the eighties will be back!

tographs. Make that neo-Duchampian.With everything that's happening on

the world scene, you might chink thatpolitics has been transformed. Not exactly.To take this recent Soviet business, if thereever was a retro word for a political event,it ispmscb. Meanwhile, Pat Buchanan hasrediscovered isolationism and AmericaFirstism. On the left, sort of, DouglasWilder has his own America First mes-sage, reminiscent of an old-fashioned,hey-what-about-the-little-guy nativism.

Yes, the past is always with us. Theroad we have driven down has broughtus to where we arc. But who switchedthe A/C from VENT to RECIRCULATE?

To ANSWER THAT QUESTION, WE MUST

recall that nostalgia involves a sentimen-talized recapturing ofa past that oneprefers, in some way, to one's own time.

Notwithstanding its backward-lookingnature, then, nostalgia has always been arevealing phenomenon of the present,reflecting as it does the longings of the

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 65

'JIdy Allen

awards ceremoniesB loom in dale 's

Boston

Jerry BrownCanada

Johnny CarsonCher

Columbus Avenuecomedians

Kevin CostnerLinda Ellerbee

Esquire under TerryM cDonell

Las VegasNorman LearLome MichaelsLiza Minnetli

Marvin Mitchelsonn co con se rv at iv es

Newsweekthe New York Knicksorganized feminismSoHo

Hunter S. Thompson

Donald TrumpPaul TsongasTed Turnerthe TV networksVanity Fair coversVietnamThe Village Voice

Washington, D.C.West HollywoodWN EW-FM

Tom Wolfe

people experiencing it. The Romanticsfollowing the Enlightenmentwere nos-talgic for the Middle Ages, a time ofmystery. The wild success ofGone Withthe Wind was both a cause and an effect ofnostalgia for antebellum America. In theI 930s, the fallen splendor and high ro-mance of the Old Southas it was imag-medcould easily be seen as an escapefrom the dreary present. Nostalgiadefines the negative space ofa period'sself-portrait.

Except ours.Contemporary nostalgia lacks any res-

onant harmony with previous eras; it is ahaphazard agglomeration of styles. Fash-ion isn't satisfied with reviving only onedecade; arch i tects are proudly eclectic;pop groups gleefully mix sixties clotheswith seventies music. The origins ofmodern, value-free nostalgia can be locat-ed with precision. The period is 1971 to'74. You remember: the Vietnamendgame, singer-songwriters, CB radios.Wonderful days! Fifties nostalgiathefirst great postwar nostalgia, the nostal-gia that defined nostalgiaappeared atthis time, urged along by AmericanGraffiti and sustaining itselfon HappyDays. Fifties nostalgia must have beenpartially a reaction to the sixties, and alsothe inevitable result ofone generation'sbecoming old enough to sentimentalizeits past. But the strange thing aboutfifties nostalgia is that it became such aphenomenon in and of itself. The sockhops, the Fonz, the jukeboxes, the diners,persisted far beyond their usefulness as arestoration of E isenhowerian calm. Fiftiesnostalgia had a life of its own, and mod-em nostalgianostalgia/or its own sakewas born. The real connection to the pastbecame more and more tenuous, whilethe fascination with the past's culturalknickknackery gathered momentum.

This rich period ofthe early 1970ssaw the birth of nostalgia for other erasas well. Building preservation became afad. The Museum ofModern Art had itsBeaux Arts show in 1975. By the early1970s, the force ofminimalism wasspent, and all ofart history was suddenlyransackable. Even the sixties revival'stenderest shoots grew at this time. In1973, Bryan Ferrythe hippest man ofhis timereleased These Foolish Things,on which he covered Lesley Gore, Dylan,the Beatles, the Beach Boys and Mo-

town. New wave and punk, just begin-fling in the early 1970s, revived themods and rockers of the early 1 960s.

Finally, in 1974, Robert Redford andMia Farrow starred in The Great Gatsby,with Sam Waterston as "Nick. " As it re-leased the picture, Paramount aggres-sively promoted the i 920s, and thosewho lived through this may dimly recallthe sudden appearance of round collarsand cloches, ofbars called Gatsby's. Ofcourse, Gatsby nostalgia didnt take: themovie was a flop, the bars eventuallychanged their names to Dribbles orwhatever, and there was no run on spats.The studio's assumption that the 1920swould speak meaningfully to the ticket-buying public ofthe 1970s was provedutterly false. And yet, and yet. . . therewas a 1920s blipor more than a blip, abrief but sustained readingthat hadbeen created artificially. Twenties nostal-gia, indeed, was a pure example of reviv-ing an era just because it was there.

In the end, the nostalgia that the1 9705 bequeathed us was a nostalgiawithout sentiment, revivalism withoutthe nuclear fusion of past and presentthat generates more energy than it usesup. We are awash in sixties nostalgia,but it is passionless; despite its incredi-ble ubiquity, it could not even be calleda craze. What direction nostalgia doestake can be attributed solely to a by-rotemarch through time. We started withthe 1950s in the 1970s and have simplybeen marching our way forward; and aswe go, we listlessly pick up and setdown years as we come to them. Thatwould be fine ifwe hadn't also by nowarrived at some sort of end-of-history

stagnation, without any particulardefining mode ofour own. Our nostalgiais really quite anemic, but nostalgia is allwe've got.

Since we look to the past for so muchbut are not truly engaged by anythingwe find there, we are running throughour cultural thrift shop awfully quickly.Back in the Renaissance, artists werenostalgic for ancient Greece and Romeoh, about I 500 years earlierand thatheld them for a couple of hundred years.East Village artists of the 1980s revivedPhilip Guston, a cartoony painter of theI 960s. Edwardians were nostalgic for thewit, foppery and dissipation of the eigh-teenth century; we read Warhol's diaries

Don't Look Back ow HOLLYWOOD CANT GET IT RIGHT

V:L

:iE DARK AGES: Errol Flynn I The Adventures o! Robin Hood, 19381. Tony Curtis I The Black Shield of Falworth, 1954).

Kon Coslner (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, 1991)

Movies seem like the perfect vehicle Io

nostalgia. so why does a film always b

the unmistakable stamp of the year it

madewhether the setting is Sherwood

Forest or Carson City? (This is true ever

when Tony Curtis is ¡iot the star.) Comp

the stills at left and notice the hairstyl

.(Kevin Costner as Robin Hood as Corbin

Bernsen) and the clothes (Warren

Beatty as McCabe as early-iD lOs-

guy-in-Ere-boots-and-bell-bottoms).

T_ww -----

-- -

Jt

¡HE WILD 11S1. hl'is Presley (Love Me lender, 1956). Julie Christie and Warren Beatty (McCabe and Mrs Miller. 1911).

Charie Sheen and Emilto Estevei ( Young Guns, 19881

Coors

Mario CuoriioEric FischI

Mrkhail Gorbachev

LI.the HamptonshoteliersRobin Leach

DavRi LynchMTV

Seventh Avenue

Martha Stewart

Anne TylerVan Halen

Vanity Fair

Venice (California) 4

and feel nostalgic for che sexy, druggyNew York of I 2 years ago. the olddays, reruns didnt begin until long aftera television show was off the airhencethe fascination of Bewitched. Now, ofcourse, reruns from previous seasons areshown while a program is still runniìgon prime time, creating nostalgia with alag ofonly a year or two. Then, last sum-mer, as the nostalgia implosion accelerat-ed, Nick at Nite started showing a rerunof a programHi Honey. I'm Homebroadcast on ABC just three days earlier,and the show itself u'as a pastiche ojear/y

.çiIco,ìis.

This last example brings us to thefrightening subject of remembered nostal-gia. Someday, someone who watched Hi

Honey. i'm Home as a child will feel nos-talgic for it and, at one remove, forDonna Reed. If i said I loved the early1970syou know, the foppish neo-Gats-by look, Tom Wolfewearwould I benostalgic for the 1970s or the 1920s?And in fact, many of the stock figures ofthe 1920sbartenders with handlebarmustaches, Irish beat copswere nostal-gic re-creations ofstock characters of theI 890s. So where does chat leave me?When someone someday revives 1980s

)SPECIAL BONUS PIC:

What year is it, anyway?

Michelle Pfeiffer in

Grease 2a 1982 sequelto a i918 fifties-nostalgia

movie. Pedal-pushers,

shades. flats, a mock

turtleneck, lank shoulder-

length hairPfeifferbelongs in. . . ¡991.

postmodernism, what will he berevivingRobert Stern or the Shingle-style houses Stern copied? Will RalphLauren's clothes themselves be consid-ered "classics" ? Was the Renaissance ac-tually a Hi Honey, I'm Home for

antiquity?If things continue as they have, nostal-

gia will catch up with last year and thenlast month and then yesterday; with nos-talgia still our main form of expression,we'll have no choice but to start all overagain, this time with remembered nostal-gia. And then? Remembered remem-bered nostalgia, of course, otherwiseknown as the I 999 Madonna-as-Marilynrevival, an experience that will taste asweak and tinny as tea made from thrice-boiled leaves. In this connection, it isuseful to recall a profound remark madeby Keith Richards during the RollingStones' latest tour. Richards was explain-¡ng to the crowd why the combo wasplaying songs off its new album, not justits old hits, and he said, "You can't haveold songs if you don't have new songs."Very wise. Ofcourse, the new numbersthe band proceeded to play were just re-treads of their old hitsbut the thoughtwas nice.

NOVIMBER 1991 SPY 67

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.NeiI/Le15,er.ion tor the homeless but feel ¡t'!tm)cgci tough oe raxesrigt *War gave you paUse, hut you've decided that for the na

tiOl) as6Ie it was c1ean9in. You refer to the Ir as "iflCOfl-iITpaLirCdand to.l_I(rirrunalfr as "morally diallengcd" tnd no 1oncr squint slightly vtnisirthe terni

"n Anwrican." While Mcryl Strccps ¿.IìatstIy attempts atein act-fltsracc on

y.ikc fingernailsp a blackboard, younonetheless feel she ian .L1)r1?ï)usly ta1enteactress. AIRI culinariry, you have been correct tor at least a decad.

Early in the eighties,OU embraced ethnic cuisines fron re)I1s like Cthe_L)eccan and Ethiopia,whose native lX)PUlatiflS themselves lìa4 no to1'you belived

SPY)VIMliIK ItNI.

PHOTOGRAPHS BY PETER ARDITO

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that in some obscure way they would benefit from your enthusiasm for baghari jhingaor tibs wot. A little later you discovered the pleasures ofbahy vegetables. You relished

THEY CAN'T RUN BUTthe thought that at a time when we liad the oldest president ever, we were eating the

THEY CAN BE HIDEyoungest vegetables. lt's been years now since you ordered a pizza with tomato andextra cheese: your taste in toppings runs more to shrimp-scallop boudin à lestragon A tremendous bonus for the Roadb

and sautéed radicchio. You feel quiet, patriotic pride over the fact that Californian Gourmet is that he or she simultane

cabs and zins are routinely being ordered in three-star restaurants in Lyons (by French- acquires fur that can be worn with

men!), and over the spectacular rise of American regional cooking. In a way you have entirely clear conscience. Removing

skin from its host is not alwayscome full circle, since you're sure that Native Americanswho subsist largely onnecessary: often a traftic-related im

Wonder bread and Thunderbirdare somehow bucked up by your consumption ofhas already separated the flesh fro

corn-cactus pudding with chipotle-chile béchamel. natural covering. Where this has orBut all this carefully and lovingly assembled can evaporate as fast as partially occurred, the fur can usuali

Julia's love for Kiefer with the mention ofone tiny word: mt. peeled from small mammals in muc

Thanks to the efforts ofanimal-rights groups like PETA and assorted herds oí New the same way one peels the

Age nutritionists, the cultural status of meat-eating is currently on a par with that of skin from a mango. These strips o

drunk driving and headed clown toward pedophulia. Even in restaurants that offer squares should be stretched on a pu

dead animals on the menu, ordering one can cause che waitron to look at you as if of plywood for several days until dt

youd just tried to tell the one about the three gay guys in a hot tub. after which they can be sewn togethe

N_;;And there is no appealing to reason here. Minds make garments. The table below gives

:L have been made up, another pillar added to the per- number of possum skins needed to

common articles of roadkill couturi.,.T-. --4 tico ofconventional wisdom. It's pointless to argue

that the animal-rights movement stems from an 1g-MEN'S JACKfl ...... 40 POSSUMS

THE RIGHTS OF VEGETABLES iorance of animals, that it's the Disneyfication of na-WOMEN'S JACKET...... 30 POSSUM

A growing number of rights activists are ture; that thinking that animals are capable of MINISKIRT...... 6-U POSSUMS

questioning whether there is any human emotion because they have big, cute eyes BEANIE ...... !4 POSSUM

substantial difference between isn't progressive but infantile; that the unpro-electrocuting a veal calf and, say, nounceable tag .cpeciesLc?n is sophistic, since every species on the planet survives by

tearing an ear of corn from its parent, eating other species; that one's passion might be better directed to the 6 millionstripping it naked and plunging it into American children who go to bed hungry than to the dying thoughts of Frank Per-boiling water. Why, they ask, should due's chickens. And ifyou do present these arguments, there'll be no getting back in

prunes die to keep us regular? A peach anyone's good gracesit'll be bootless to whine, as a once-adoring group backs awaymay not have a face, but it certainly has disgusted silence, that you really like the music ofk. d. lang.skin, flesh and a mother. And given the You are a carnivorea mad, rabid pariah feeding off tIle carrion of your innocentinclusive quasi-Buddhist definitions of

fellow travelers Ofl Spaceship Earth,life used by organizations like PETA, it's

Take heart: an answer to your problem lies no farther away than that Volvo. Carseven possible that the peach was

once your aunt Helen. provide US with a carnucopia of fresh, free-range, nonhormoned game. Meat any car-

The Roadkill Gourmet is not competent ing carnivore can bring to the table with an unblemished conscience. Meat, moreover,

to judge the merits of these contentions from which no slaughterhouse, packager or other culinarily incorrect middleman habut has avoided vegetable side dishes made a penny. Known to the French as nourrilure de la roiiteor, more colloquially, la

while the jury is still out. bouffe morteroaclkill has long been recognized as a hearty addition to French countryThe wines suggested here, however, cooking. In many rural regions of the U.S. as well, it has been a mainstay of tradition-

have been selected with an eye to al local cuisines for as long as there have been beer coolers in pickup trucks.processes that cause the grapes the The possibilities of sophisticated roadkill cooking are almost unlimited. There is

least painfor example, wines made absolutely no reason why the imprint ofa snow tire (or a deeply embedded hood or-from "the noble rot' (grapes left to nament) need mar the flavor ofsumptuous Venaison de la Route Rôti; likewise, car-

decompose on the vine prior to picking),

or those made from the free-runmg, loving cooking and a pair of pliers make the classic English dish PheasantUnder Broken Glass a memorable triumph. The recipe for Terrine de Groundhog

technique (rather than the grapes' being

mechanically crushed, their sheerthat appears at right is just one ofseveral for small-mammal pâté. And a fitting hors

weight in the vat produces juice). In d'oeuvre it can be for hearty Civet de Possum, Navarin de Chipmunk, Beaver en Pa-

both cases, carnivores and herbivores pillote orRack of Raccoon, whichis also describedhere.are relieved of moral responsibility in

the vinification process: in the first, the îoot.s vouti NEED c1grapes are already dead; in the second,

they in effect kill one another.

TERRINE DE GROIJNDHOGSERVES 6

The universal question with any pâté or terrine is, how wichfat? The caring carnivore faces an additional problem:. what kindof fat? The traditional resource, pork fat, is an obvious no-no, given that traffic-related deaths among pigs are, alas, practically ni!.

Groundhogs are not, ofcourse, hogs, but they are fatty. One solution, therefore, is to adda groundhog or two to your recipe, in order to achieve a 2: 1 meat-to-fat ratio. An average-size groundhog will yield about 1 pounds ofmeat, allowing for impact-related detritus; anextra groundhog in similar condition will yield about Y pound of fat. Voilà! You're inbusiness with a hearty Thanksgiving treat, pins you have a generous portion of meat left over

i':for a groundhog bolognese sauce or Swedish groundhogballs.

NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS WILL HELP WITH

PRECISION GRAVEL EXTRACTION.

I lb roimdhog j tbsp 'qiiarre epices " (e.g. . allspice. clove. nutmeg,

lb groundhog/at thyne. blendedaccording to taste)2 tbsp salt I clove garlic. pureed

I tsp pepper 2-3 tbsp Armagnac

Preheat oven to 325°F. Divide the meat into rough thirds. Grind two thirds smoothly (Fig. I,

next page) and coarsely chop the other third. Coarse-chop the fat. Combine all ingredients in

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY7I

a large howl; mix thoroughly. Place mixture in the center ola large, heavy sheet of aluminufoil. As a tribute to the animals, shape the mixture into areclining groundhog (Fig. 2). Cover tightly with ends of rig i

r

1.

Fig. 2

foil and bake on a large cookie sheet for 2 hours. Allow røcool for several hours, garnish with woodland mushrooms,

WHEN CARVNG, REMOVE THE crabapples and wild lettuce, and serve. ___________HEAD AND LIMBS" IN ONE SWIFT.

FLUID MOTION.

SUGGESTED WINES

Suncre.ci ¡990 Muller Thurgau' (Washington State). As the back label says, this is a wine "asnatural as the food you eat." Made from the free-run juice oforganic grapes. A perfect mate for natural food, such;Terrine de Groundhog.

NV Colorado Cellars Cherry Wine. Made from a mixture ofhand-picked and wind-droppedcherries, this is certifiably the most cruelty-free wine made in North America. A perfect sweet-and-sour foil for thigroundhog's naturally fatty meat.

RACK OF RACCOON WITH BLACK-AND-WHITE SAUCE(CARRIl DE RACCOON AUX DEUX POIVRES)

SERVES 4

Raccoon is a splendidly American alternative to such tepid Gallic game as hare, combining the smoky muscularitycoyote with the succulence of squirrel. The ash-can bandido puts on a tux in this elegairecipe; he is perfectly suited to this dish, since enough of the rib cagenearly always survives a traffic-related incident. Fig. 3 _.-'

Once you have found one reasonably whole raccoon, remove the rackfrom the rib cage (Fig. 3). Chop remaining meat and bones into 3-inch

THE FEWER FLIES CIRCLING YOURENTREE-TO-BE, THE FRESHER II IS. Sections. (Jfthis comes to less than 2 lb, add a second, smaller raccoon.) 4!

o

ACCOUTREMENTS SHOULDMT ALTER

DISH'S APP[ARANC[ DRAMATICALLY.

.

UNFREtICHED RIBS (11F!) WILL OVER

WHELM THE SAUCES SUBTLE FLAVOR.

RACCOON STOCK

24 3 Ib chopped raccoon (meat and bones)J onion stuck with two cloves

I bay leafBouqnet garni

i Carrot. sliced

I ,;,edi,an tomato. whole, iiìzpeeled

Salt. pep/?er

Brown meat and bones in a roasting pan at 450°F. Deglaze roasting pan. Combine aingredients in a large saucepan, cover with water, and simmer for 3-4 hours. This wiproduce a fine, gamy stock. Strain, degrease and reduce by 50 percent. Set aside.

ROASTING THE RACK OF RACCOON

Unless you know a caring butcher, you must "French" the rack: remove all fat on both sides of the bones and betweetthem, except for a thin layer over the eye meat (Fig. 4). Fold a double strip offoil over alternate ribs (this will makesome of the ribs scorch and leave the others white, for a pleasing "coon-tail" effect). Place cup water in a roasting

pan, and roast the rack 10 minutes at 500° to sear, then another 20-25 minutes at 4ØØ0 Set aside.Fig. 4

BLACK-PEPPERCORN SAUCE

..

. ,s

j ; tbsp bntter I tbsp coarsely ground hIik pepper, I 6 thspflour Soy sauce, to color

ICIIftS

reheated raccoon stock

Use butter and flour to make roux (thickening agent). Stir in stock. Simmer 2 niinutes or until thicketied. Addpepper. Darken with dashes ofsoy sauce.

WHITE-PEPPERCORN SAUCE

I : cu/is dry white wine cup crème fraîche

4 cup coarsely choppedshallots I egg yolki tbsp coarse white pepper Dash nutmeg

72SPYNOVEMBER 1991

Combine the white wine, shallots and pepper. Reduce and strain to achieve 2 tbsp liquid. Whisk together crèmefraîche and egg yolk. Whisk in strained, reduced liquid over a gentle heat until thickened. Add nutmeg.

Plate sauces in half-moons, garnishing each side with its opposite peppercorns (i.e., white peppercorns on blacksauce and vice versa). Set two raccoon ribs, playfully intertwined, along the "seam."

SUGGESTED WINES

¡989 William Wheeler RS Reserve. A rich and richly fruited dry red. Made from uncrushedgrapes inoculated with yeast, then allowed to explode oftheir own volition during fermentation. A juicy partner fora juicy meat like raccoon.

Inglenook 1985 Gewurzirami,zer Late Harvest. A rich, smooth after-dinner complement toraccoon. Made from "noble rot" grapes, redolent ofsun, earth and the natural cycle oflife and death.)

Review of Reviewers

¡ail öl the Town NO!Pmily PeudPsychoanalyzed,

Barton FinkReviews Homogenized,and California Time Synchronized

uy HuvhPey Oelloo

Since it gOeS way back to the 1950s, I sup-pose some readers are too yotig to recall the heyday of thegreat Manhattan supper clubs. A damn shamefor my money,you haven't really lived until youve jumped into your tux andrun down to El Morocco to meet a Rheingold Girl for a highball.I only wish i had been around back then. Of course, every bit asimportant as the Stork Club and Mocambo and the other zebra-stripednight spots were the newspaper columnists who wrote about them:Walter Winchell, Ed Sullivan (he was a columnist before his TVshow), Leonard Lyons of «The LyonsDen" and Earl "the Midnight Earl"Wilson, to name a few. (TrumanCapote excelled in the fiction divi-sion.) But what about today? Has thnightclub columnist gone the way ofthe cigarette holder? Actually, no.Michael Musto, who is funny, cleverand inspiringly vulgar, and StephenSaban, who's one flatfooted sport,cover our town's wanton high life forThe Village Voice and Details, respect-ively, and they've been joined by aprominent newcomerarriving atthe party several years late, The Neu

Yorker now has a literary descendantof Lyons and Wilson (Earl, not theMidnight Edmund) in its pages.

Where the fifties nightclubs hadstylepanache, I call itMusto andSaban's 6:00 a.m. dispatches fromSave the Robots indicate thattoday's clubs are home to sweaty ex-cess. Thus, it is a bit strange thatThe New Yorker should decide to runa brief weekly column, unsigned,called Edge of Night Life thatworks the after-hours fabulousnessbeat, especially since the whole phe-nomenon has been in steep decline

74 Spy NOVEMBER 1991

for years. One can't help but askwhat the magazine's longtime sub-scribers, boarding-school assistantheadmasters and i ntel ligent ladieswho sometimes write verse, thinkof the column. To take one recentpassage: "All a popular 'girl' [at thetransvestite bar Edelweiss] who caneasily latch a john has to do is flicka forelock with dead aim over a coldshoulder in the direction of a lesspopular sister, and the woundedwill immediately dash from onemirror to the nextadjusting a wighere, smoothing a skirt thereinhope that the ensuing reflectionwill suddenly reveal somethingworth strutting for." (The sexualityof the patrons at Edelweiss cannotbe nearly as convoluted as that sen-tence.) I wonder if the same audi-ence that shops at The Coach Storeand L. L. Bean is really very inter-ested in "trannies" and their "gen-tiemen callers," as they are termed.The New Yorker's readers probablydo like to be shocked, though, and

the magazine lately has been trying bar at the Paramount Hotel on show ¡t was inconsiderate and rudeto swing, so maybe the column is West 46th Street:

"They don't have to reduce a headline act during its

in the right place after all. seats like this at the Marriott, Mom New York debut to a back-upBut not too shocked, not loo told the waitress. Then she asked band." And here is Jon Pareles of

swingy. This being The New Yorker, her husband, 'It's like SoHo, isn't The New York Times concluding hisHal Rubinstein, the anonymous au- it?' " Les Miz! The Marriott! Morn ! review of the same concert: "The setthor of Edge of Night Life, is not Quels losers. perked up only in the encore, whenjust a nightclub colum- In humor, tinin is three rappers. . . relegated thefist but a responsible everything. Take Brand-New Heavies to the back-nightclub columnist. He pleaseKen Tucker, the ground.

" Well, in matters of tasteultimately finds Edel-

Arriving at the TV critic for Entertain- there is no argument, you mightweiss "drastically unfun- ment Weekly. (A small say, except that that would meanny." For him, trans- party several demonstration of the we didn't need even one critic.vestism must be associat- theory, ladies and gentle- It is reassuring when critics sayed with something wor- years late, Tile men; no cause for alarm.) exactly the same thing. Ifthey havethy: Love Ball 2, say, You don't want to rush real standards and expertise, theywhich raised money for New Yorker now things, especially if shouldlike doctorsreach theAIDS programs, or Boy you're building to a real same conclusions. So here is OwenBar on St. Marks Placc. has a literary corker, so Tucker re- Gleiberman in EW on Barton Fink:

which he admires forescen d f quired two paragraphs to

an o"It's finally not about anything but

being "culturally, ethni- reach his punch line re- itself." And here isJoanJuliet Buckcally, economically, polit- Leonard Lyons cently, discussing Family on the same film in Vogile: "Ulti-ically, and generationally Feud. As if skillfully mately, it is about nothing morediverse," like some noble and Earl Wilson playing a trout, he lazily than itself." Of course, putting itplanned community. explained that he enjoys this way wasn't good enough forThere is a sense of strain the show for the interac- The New Yorker's Terrence Raffer-when Edge of Night Life is sup- dons among family members (he tyhe criticized the movie for itsposed to be fun, as ifthe writer were finds the questions a little dumb) "hermetic meaninglessness."a divinity student at a pot party (the and finally delivered the joke he Finally, T. Coraghessan Boyle, theclub Amazon is "setting offglittered must have been holding on to for goateed, jokey-pretentious and as-goosepimples" because it's a place weeks: "1 tell you, if you play arm- tonishingly annoying novelist, wrotewhere people can. ..talk); worse chair psychologist with this show about his house in California for Ar-still, there is a sense of whimsy turning it into Family Freudyou'll chitectural Digest. He began, "To livewhen the column is intended to be have a lot more fun. "

Anyway, in Los Angeles is to be a prisoner ofwhimsical (a Manhattan boom box Tucker's bold, ingenious notion the light, eyes shrouded behind twin"was so loud that people going to surely never occurred to the show's panels ofsmoked glass, ever denyingbed in Negril were pestering inter- creators. Next he'll probably be the golden blister in the sky." So this

national operators" to get it turned telling usthe kook!that The is how Faulkner would have de-down). All this would be tolerable, Newlywed Game is really more enjoy- scribed Ray Bans. But "golden bus-perhaps, if the word scribe were not able if, instead of concentrating so ter"? Gross. My favorite line of thisused so often, if hyphens were not so much Ofl the questions, you closely mood-setting opening paragraph ap-overindulged in (as in this phrase watch the squabbling couples. pears a few sentences farther down,from a column on the Limelight It is reassuring that all critics do after Boyle has explained that "youanother urban-studies utopia: "No not speak with the same voice pray for the autumnal equinox, andother dance hail has been nearly so how else would we know whether it then the light is. . .less ripe, lessrafter-packed, and with so wide, so was Gene Siskel or Roger Ebert golden"the antibiotics haveracially-culturally-generationally-

talking over the clip? If critics all helped, perhaps. Boyle continuesand-socially balanced, so sexually said the same thing, the rich with plaintive simplicity, "It getshard-to-read a mix of get-out-of- pageantry of opinion would suffer dark at six, and then, with the expi-

my-way-and-stop-staring-at-me-and we would need only one critic, ration of daylight savings time, at

though-boy-I'm-horny partygoers"), wreaking havoc on our service- five." Well, it would, wouldn't it? Ifand if the column had not so know- based economy. In the New York it got dark at six and then at 3:45ingly and edgily mocked the Post, Dan Aquilante wrote this after the time change, the light intouriststouristswho had just about a concert by the Brand-New California really would be spooky.come from Les Miz and "sheepishly Heavies: "A few hammy rappers. . . And the next morning? Then, atbraved their way" into the new, took over the stage during the dawn, the sun comes up. eve in the east-

iiberhip, Philippe Starckdesigned Heavies' encore. . . .After such a fine ernfirmament. )

NOVEMBER 1991 S75

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A Brife $trìupefl BareThey Dìdnt Have Much of a Marriage,

but Society Decorator John SaladinoTried to Get a Lot Out of It

As marriages go, ¡ was an improbable unionfrom the start. I-Ic was John Saladino, the celebrated interiordecorator, whose clients have included I. M. Pei and NormanLear. She was Cecelia Neville Lord, called Holly, the owner of anupscale boutique. He was a self-made man, or, in some of the cir-des he aspired to join, an arriviste. She was from old money,though not particularly wealthy herself. His time was spent in theEast, in Manhattan, where he lived in the former apartment of robberbaron Jay Gould, and Norfolk, Connecticut, where he maintained a27-room estate called Robin Hill.She was firmly lodgcd in Santa Bar- wife, when he desiiwr ser his socialbara. He was 5 1 , a dark-haired wid- and professional sights on wealthyower who had been married for Santa Barbara. While maintainingnearly 18 yearsbut who intimates his business anti residences in thesuggest was in his heart a confirmed East, he bought a small house, de-bachelor. She was 43 and blond, scribing his new neighborhood, in abut not glamorousa woman who Town & Country pictorial, as "myhad dated little in the ten years Eden.' He then began attract-since her divorce. But improba- ing clients. Though he hadbility was obviously a ball- some success in Santa Barbaramark of their union; in- among newcomers (he re-deed, his opening line modeled a house for Paulwhen they met was, Junger Witt, the execu-"You're a Leo, arent tive producer of Goldenyou?. . .1 am, too!" Before - Girls, for example), hetheir marriage was over, ' lacked social entréeSaladino would attempt to . among the local WASPexploit her assets and con- elite, whose acceptance isnections so coldly that crucial to a designer's busi-one might thinkand ness.this is not a hard thing Enter Holly Lord. The step-to say about a mar- daughter of Leonard Dalsemer, anage built on a mere retired New York executive andfive face-ro-face en- Montecito scion, Lord was well posi-counters spread over tioned to provide someonesay, asix monthsthat there spousewith access to exclusivenever really was very Santa Barbara. They met in Octobermuch love there at all. 1988 at a wedding; Lord thought the

The story begins in the pudgy fellow in the gray suit mightsummer of 1988, shortly after be an "extraterrestrial," as shethe death of Saladino's first confided to a friend later. But the de-

78 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

signer courted her zealously, sendingher flowers and love notes and arti-cIes about himself.

Lord had never heard of Salad mo

before he delivered his Studio 51-vintage come-on. In fact, the couplewere little more than acquaintedwhen they wed, for their dates weremostly highly orchestrated dinnersand parties. Lord would come toNew York and stay at the West-bury; Saladino would take her toglamorous events and introduce herto well-known people. Whcn hecame to Montecito, they attendedsociety functions. Saladino wouldenter a hosts home, point at fur.nishings and say, Wrong, wrong.u

?)1,Ç'.' But I can fix it for you.

In August 1989 the couple wenton a trip together. On the morningof Lord's birthday, in London enroute to Venice, she opened apoached egg and found a diamondengagement ring; nobody said Sal-adino wasn't capable of a romanticgesture. They were married in PortAntonio, Jamaica, on New YearsDay 1990, and their first hours ashusband and wife set the tone fortheir six months together: friendsof Lord's claim that Saladino'steenage son welcomed his step-mother into the family with adrunken and highly insulting toast.Later, Saladino harshly criticizedLord's sons for being vegetarians.

The newlyweds spent their wed-ding night apart. In that regard,their first night was no differentfrom any other night in their rela-tionship. As Lord later told her at-torney, "John and I never discussedhis sexuality. I had a long period ofquestioning my own, because theman who loved me so much couldnever touch or kiss me. But theflood of compliments and love keptme mute, and the hypnotic energyof his personality won.'

Had Lord bothered to do a bit ofresearch on her betrothed, shewould have discovered that he oftenaped the life-style of his extremelywealthy clients, even ifhis cash flowdid not match his tastes. Lordwould also have learned that many

of the jobs taken on by the brilliantbut Napoleonic Saladino ended inacrimony, if not litigation.

When a marriage that lasts onlysix months goes bad, it cannot besaid to have soured gradually.Sources close to Lord claim that al-most from the start, Sal-adino launched fault-finding missions againsthis wife, berating herunmercifully. Saladinowould tell her what Saladi

shoes to wear, whatplastic surgery she his w

should have performedand even not to wear to we

nail polish because it

madeher"lookJewish." polishFor a man putatively

in love, Saladino made a malot of very pragmaticdemands of his bride.Rather than spend thecustomary year or sogetting to know themembers of Santa Barbara's exclu-sive Birnam Wood Golf Club as aguest of his wife's family, Saladinopushed Lord to get him in immedi-ately. He was also very disappointedthat membership in clubs in NewYork to which her stepfather be-longed was not automatically be-stowed upon him as part of herdowry.

Although theirs was a commutermarriage, he dismissed her $2.5-million adobe home as an unsuit-able dwelling for the Saladinos andderided her western antiques asitems fit only for "stockbrokers."He said he wanted to build hisdream house. Against the advice ofher accountant and attorney, Lordrefinanced her house. This gave Sal-adino the $250,000 he said theywould need as a down payment for$3 million worth of panoramicacreage in nearby Summerland. Onthat land, he said, they would builda 40,000-square-foot Italian villa.

Sources close to Lord suggest thatSaladino promised he would takecare of the monthly mortgage pay-ments, but when it came time to;ign a paper to such effect, the de-

signer was in New York. Saladino,who would later claim that themortgage payments wcre to bemade "collectively," told Lord tosign the mortgage agreement any-way, promising to bring the appro-priate paperwork on his next visit.

She never saw those docu-ments. But then, shenever saw most of herwedding presents either.

1. IJ They, like the supposedLOIU documents, were back

east.not After he made mort-

gage payments ofnail $62,000, Saladino's finan-

cial contribution to theause marriage practically

ceased, as did Lord's. Her

her friends claim that henever had his wallet with

iish"him, leaving Lord to pickUI) the tab for dinners,limousines and $50,000worth of Venetian glass

he wanted for his showroom inNew York. The money, he once in-dicated to her, was just the covercharge for his personality.

Lord also alleges in CaliforniaSuperior Court documents that thedesigner may have taken antiquesworth roughly $30,000 from LasTejas, an estate he had refurbishedin Montecito. According to sworntestimony, Saladino wondered aloudto his wife, who was at Las Tejasscrubbing floors in preparation forArchitectural Digest and HG photoshoots, whether he should removean antique urn and table. I-le

claimed the client owed himmoney. The items later turned upamong his possessions. Saladino,who subsequently returned theproperty, told SPY he blamed a care-taker who "inadvertently included"the antiques with his.

once Lord's savings ran outsources in Santa Barbara say she mayhave lost $600,000 on the Summer-

land property alonethe designerdecided w separate from his wife.One of his last acts as a member ofthe family was phone Lord'smother and brother and request a

$1 .5 million loan from each of them.

They declined. Despite Saladim's cf-forts to sell it, the Summerlandproperty went into foreclosure thispast June. On the last day the couplespent together, in June 1990, hethrew a tantrum because she had for-gotten to chill wine for him, whichleft him only champagne to drink.Then he embarked on a lunch datewith her credit cards, in her BMW.He stuck the car in a garage and fleweast; he did not return.

Saladino's friends in Connecticutare quick to argue that Lord was nosaintin fact, they portray her as acold-blooded philanderer whowanted nothing more than to beMrs. John Saladino, but in namealone. Four months into the mar-nage, she took up with an electricalcontractor who lived in the guest-house at Las Tejas and worked forSaladino on that and other projects.Even before Saladino moved out,Lord had begun bringing the con-tractor to black-tie parties and not-at-all-ironically introducing him as"John's West Coast manager." Lordand the contractor have since gonetheir separate ways. One friend ofSaladino's summarized the marriageby saying, "Poor little rich girl isfine if you have the money to backit up. And John, well, he felt hecould meet some people he couldacquire as clients. It's a mess, andthey deserve each other."

Back at home, Saladino, a hope-less romantic, has escorted a promi-nent design editor around town andwritten letters ("I'll be there soon,"one says. "Reach out to me") to an-other. Both women are in key posi-tions to advance his career by pub-lishing his work. Meanwhile, nego-tiations on the Saladinos' divorcesettlement proceed. His attorneysays the designer views the mar-nage as "an unfortunate mistake."Lord too seems sadly accepting ofthe experience. "I do not feel toobad that I was fired as a wife," shenow says of her marriage to theman who had her hypnotized. "Inthat same six-month period Johnfired several clients.")

NOVEMBER 1991 SPY 79

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I

Chhille

Cowaflunga,How the Feds Came to Own

a Piece of the Turtles

It was tough enough explaining the Pee-sunpleasantness to kids. How do you tell them the crime-fighting Teenage MLltiant Ninja Turtles are a front for illegaldrug money?

In a coordinated effort that unfolded early one August morningand spanned four boroughs of New York City, the Drug Enforce-ment Agency and the New York State and City police arrested EricMillan-Colon, leader of the Blue Thunder drug ring, and 29 of hisconfidants, suppliers and "mid-level managers," thereby disbanding acartel that had kept the city wellstocked in heroin for five years. under federal lock and key; coForty million dollars' worth of his passersby, no more of the sixth-gang's assets were also seized the floor office is visible than a boltedday he was indicted on drug-traf- steel door and a large u.s. MAR-

ficking charges. The point of such SHALS sticker.forfeitures, according to Federal A doorman at the building saysMarshal Bill Licatovich, is "to pe- he had always thought Ejay Enter-nalize drug traffickers by caking prises was fishy: "They looked likcaway their profit motive. " In this rock 'n' rollers or drug dealers; I al-case, that meant taking away their ways figured drug dealers. Nohomes, taking away their cars and, clients ever showed up, and theyesbecause Millan-Colon had used hours they kept were not exactlyheroin proceeds to purchase the Ar- nine to five. The only thing I can'tgentinean rights to a certain quartet figure," he adds,

"

is why they didn'tof famous reptilestaking away give us Christmas gifts. You'dtheir Turtles. For the cime being, figure with all the money goingthe U.S. government is in the Ninja throúgh there, they could afford aTurtle business. few pens or something."

"Personal feelings have nothing Once Ejay's corporate records fellto do with this," says Dietrich Snell, into government hands, it becamean assistant U.S. Attorney prosecut- clear that in the war between lighting the case. and darkness, the Ninja Turtles had

Millan-Colon held the Ninja Tur- been caught in the shadows. It's aties' rights through his company standard plot: the good guy falls onEjay Enterprises, which allegedly hard times and flirts with evilpromoted international concerts Luke Skywaiker associating with(such as Bob Dylan's recent South Darth Vader, Greg Brady smoking aAmerican tour) by day and laun- cigarette. Surge Licensing Inc., thedered drug money by night. No caretaker of the Ninja Turtle copy-longer. The company's West 58th right worldwide, fails to appreciateStreet headquarters is at present the poetic beauty in all ofthis. "The

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Photo Credits

Cover: Photographed by Carolyn Jones(body); Chancellor/Alpha/Globe Photos(Princess Di); styled by Nian Fish; hair byClare Lichtenberger for La Coupe.Page 2: Marina Gamier (Monheit); E. AnnStoddard/Paim Beach Daily News (Sullivan);Peter Ardito (raccoon).Page 5: U Pl/Bettmann Newsphotos(Brown); Photofest (alien);Reuters/Bettmann Newsphotos (bulldozer);Sloan/Gamma Liaison (Baker); ArchivePhotos (woman).Page 6: Reuters/Bettmann Newsphotos(Jackson).Page 28: Marina Gamier (Ross, Taylor);Savignano/Galella, Ltd. (Gotti).Page 29: H. Armstrong Roberts (statue);Thomas Leigue J r./IJSAF (Schwarzkopf).Page 32: Jim Bourg/Gamma Liaison(Wilder).Page 34: Archive Photos (cheese); SaraBarrett (Monheit).Page 36: Marina Gamier (Greene); VinceAlosa (Claiborne).Page 40: Barry King/Gamma Liaison(Ovitz); U Pl/Bettmann NewsphotosC Rauschenberg, D isney, R ockefel 1er); GammaLiaison (Keaton); Mikki Ansin/GammaLiaison (Temple); Archive Photos (Powell);AP/ Wide World Photos (Du Pont); AlistairMorrison (Day-Lewis); Ron Galella, Ltd.(Vanilla Ice).Page 42: E. Ann Stoddard/Paim Beach DailyNews (Sullivan).Page 43: Stock South (Sullivan); Superstock(palm trees).Page 45: E. Ann Stoddard/Palm Beach DailyNews (house).Page 48: Jeff Greene (courtroom); AllenEyestone/The Palm Beach Post (Sullivan).Page 50: Thomas Hart Shelby (Sullivan).Page 51: Andrew Semel (Glover); © 1991NBC Inc. (Spencer); © 1990 Craig Sjodin/Capital Cities/ABC (Chen).Page 52: Apesteguy/Gamma Liaison(G rima dis).Page 57: Marina Gamier (Monheit).Page 58: Marina Gamier (Monheit).Page 60: Marina Gamier (Monheit).Page 62: Ron Galella, Ltd. (Madonna);Michael Ferguson/Globe Photos (Kravitz); S.Kerman i/Gamma Liaison (concert); H.Armstrong Roberts (camel).Page 63: Steve Schapiro/Gamma Liaison(Osmonds); Marina Gamier (Dinkins).Page 64: H. Armstrong Roberts (UN);Lester Cohen (Connick); J. La Russo/GammaLiaison (Marsalis); Kashi/Gamma Liaison(Ireland).Page 65: Archive Photos (scout); RonGalella, Ltd. (Philbin); Van Parys/Sygma(Havel).Page 66: Albert Ferreira/DMI (Minnelli);Marina Gamier (Wolfe); Smeal/Galella, Ltd.(Allen).Page 67: Bauer/Galella, Ltd. (Stewart);Ledru/Sygma (Gorbachev); Photofest(Costner, Sheen, Beatty).Page 78: Marina Gamier (Saladino).Page 8]: Alan Markfield (turtle).Pages 84-85: Steve Barrett (Quayle); AlbertFerreira/DM I (Madonna, Onassis, Simon);John Paschal/Celebrity Photo (Gottfried); allothers, Marina Gamier.Page 86: John Paschal/Celebrity Photo(Lords); Albert Ferreira/DMI (Pacino); allothers, Marina Gamier.

82 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

Turtles have always had an antidrugmessage," says Roger Ardanowski,a Surge spokesman. "They're crimefighters! Any kid can tell you that.Millan-Colon in no way reflects onthe integrity ofthe Ninja Turtles."

The 29-year-old Millan-Colon,who grew UI) a Lower East Sidehousing project, had been suspectedof drug dealing since the early1980s. His funds were handled socleverly, though, that he'd untilnow avoided arrest, let alone indict-ment. The S I . I million purchase ofa piece of the Turtles in Aprilwhich Millan-Colon discussed incourt-ordered wiretaps of his cellu-lar-phone conversationswas a pur-chase well beyond his legitimatefinancial means as a concert pro-moter, and it was a highly visibleone. Why did the drug dealer makesuch a foolish move? Maybe, likeBugsy Siegel, he found the glamourirresistible. Or maybe he identifiedwith the Turtles. Like them, he ispart of a grotty, shadowy urban un-derground. And like them, he fa-vors colorful nicknamesCrazyMike, Evil, Klepper Duche andBlack José (some oí Millan-Colon'sBlue Thunder associates) may nothave the cachet of Raphael, Don-atel lo, M ichelangelo and Leonardo,but never mind.

Surge Licensing, of course, playsdown any and all such similarities.The company released a statementasserting that Millan-Colon is inno way involved with Turtle mer-chandise. If that's so, one wondersabout all the Turtle nunchakus,Turtle battle masks and Turtleposters found by police in the Ejayoffice. Surge officials dismiss this,maintaining that the promotionalrights sold to Millan-Colon werelimited in time and so narrow inscope (only Argentina) as to be

negligible.In any event, the timing of the

incident alone was a PR nightmare.The same week that Millan-Colonwas followed by a caravan of agentsfrom the DEA and New York Cityand State policea chase that ex-tended from the Upper West Side

to a curb-jumping apprehension inWestchester CountySurge wasproudly faxing news of the Turtles'participation in the Partnership fora Drug-Free America: "The Teen-age Mutant Ninja Turtles willemerge from the sewers to helpreach into America's i 30,000schools with a message to help kidsstay off drugs."

But the alleged heroin lord'sTortugas Ninjas can do no more PR

damagethey're flOW safely in thecustody of the U.S. Marshals. Mar-shal Licatovich regards the fate ofthe Turtles with the sympathy of asheriff for a deputy gone wrong: "IfMillan-Colon is acquitted, he canpick up his Turtles at the door. Ifhe's found guilty, they'll probablyhe sold in a Public auction; but ifwe find out that the rights expire inless than two years, we may ask fora court order that lets us sell thembefore the verdict is reached.There's no point in hanging Of) tothem until they're worthless."

It is the obligation of the Mar-shals to maintain the value of anyseized property; in the Turtles' case,this means auctioning the rightsbefore they expire. Forfeiture auc-tions are announced every thirdWednesday in (ISA Today.

Surge Licensing won't be check-ing the listings that carefully: ac-cording to spokesman Brian Dob-son, any contract that involves theTurtles also includes a clause thatprohibits behavior detrimental totheir reputation. "The recent eventscan certainly be seen as harmful tothat image," he says. "Ejay'srightsif they still own anycantherefore be voided before there'sany such public auction."

The Marshals find their newestcharge a bit bewildering. "We'veseized ostriches in Texas and a casi-no in California, but this is the firsttime we've gotten hold of some-thing like this," says Licatovich.Then he goes anthropomorphic:"These Turtles are like usthey'recrime fighters. But they wereowned by an alleged drug dealer.It's kind ofironic.")

e

eI

E.

I

E,

e

Le White Me

inaiìenaniy wrenStill Not Ready

Ifter All These Years

Ely ROY BI000t JP.

Since predictable liberalism grody tothe max, I can't always be saying to women and gays andAfrican Americans, "You are right." And since centristDemocrats are going nowhere, I can't say, "You are right, but wecan't afford it." And since I belong to no category of people that iseither socially unconscious (Republican) or disadvantaged enoughto assert self-interest, politics for me is a constant struggle.

When Thelma & Louise came out, I told my women friends (friendswho happen to be women), "Hey, it didn't bother mc one bit to watchSusan Sarandon and Geena Davisshooting men or locking them in permit rhern to embrace Jessecar trunks or blowing up their fuel Helms.tanks; sumbitches had it coming. With regard to African Amen-And it just this minute hit me that cansfor one thing, do I have tosumbitch is sexist." start saying "African Americans"?

Then, when ir turned out that That sounds like term white peo-most of my women friends didn't pie would make up. Then thereslike Thelma & Louise, I went to my the whole question of black conser-faliback position: vatives. What if ail African Ameni-

That's what was wrong with the cans had Thomas's back-moviethat I liked it. The men ground? White parents would bewere all such caricatures, why would telling their children, "Well, maybeit bother me to see them shot? In a black people do seem a bit stodgygood movie, the women would've sometimes, but you have to remem-

shotmenlcouldidentifywith. her that they were originallyThere can, ofcourse, be no defen- brought to this country by strict

sible male opinion on date rape, but supportive grandparents andbutlet me say hurriedly that there nuns. And if ir weren't for Africanshould be no buts about it; however, Americans, we wouldn't have thatsince consensuality is, after all, a music you enjoy so much, that rockdifficult legal question. . .It should 'n Rotary."be against the law, whatever happens, Back in the mid-1960s, when Ifor the man not to call the woman was a young liberal newspaperthe next day. Phone company keeps columnist in Atlanta, a man namedrecords, right? No gray areas there. Bob Arnold, a middle-aged Negro

With regard to gay people, I (the correct term then), gave me aused to say live and let live, but hard time for focusing on integra-AIDS has made that sound sardonic. don, civil disobedience and "so-So I say it's good to know there is called Negro leaders," as he put it.one segment of the population There shouldn't be any suchwhose instincts are too healthy to thing as Negro leaders, he argued.

There should just be civicleaders, business lead-

ers. The only reasonwe had "nega-

rive Negroes in\ a positive

America," he'said, was thatNegroes had

t.to go into

:: , :4 their neigh-borhood gro-

cery and buy twoeggs for i 5 cents." This was wheneggs in a white-neighborhood su-permarket were maybe 35 cents adozen. "And at that same store, weborrow $3 till l:rjciay and have topay back $3.75.'

Well, I said, wasn't that becauseours was a racist society?

He looked at me in disappoint-ment. "You're not ready," hesighed. "I thought you were ready."But I would never be ready, Bobmaintained, until I recognized thatthe Negro's problem was, he wasundercapitalized.

Now, 25 years later, that is pret-ty much the human condition. TheThird World is undercapitalized by(our) definition, the former Sovietbloc is undercapitalized thanks tocorrupt Marxism, and the U.S. isundercapitalized because we haveovercapitalized on our capital.

I didn't get offon talking to Bob.He sounded too much like my fa-ther. I preferred arguing with Stu-dent Nonviolent CoordinatingCommittee organizers at riot scenes.They wore roomy overalls and san-dais, Bob a synthetic shirt and tie.He was trying to make a living,they were carrying the cutting edgebeyond nonviolence.

I was going to tell Bob about mysympathetic but measured responseto one of these organizers, who gavehis name as Little Malcolm. I beganto quote some of the things LittleMalcolm had said: "I didn't seePatrick Henry coming up with nononviolent statements. A honkysupposed to die tonight"

"Two eggs for I 5 cents," Bob cutin.)

NOVEMBER 199L SPY R3

Dental Work of the Richand Famous

This month: Madonna,

7- . -p

PottyPOOPGood News, Bad News Professional weirdo DavidLynch, white-lip-gloss pioneer Mary Quant andtalented zillionaire Giorgio Armani were happy toreceive honorary degrees at Britain's Royal College ofArt this year. They were less than happy, however,about having to dress Uj) like characters in The

Canterbury Tales.

. ----

84 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

,Freebies l)uring his whirlwindYork, a reasonably sober Boris1ose look at how the Americannifty perks! (1,2) At NYU, theny pomaded Russian presidentget a real letter jacket embroi-first name (Dude!), and (3) at aigton dinner, he smiled gamelylyn Quayle, displaying entirelyeristic coquettishness, adjustediveaway star-spangled necktie.

Old Kennedy clan rule: Always put at leastone arm's length between yourself and themost recently disgraced member of the family.

Having received a sterling-silver tray fromNew York City mayor David Dinkins, rug-wearing musical colonialist Paul Simon holdsit up high above his head so normal- sizepeople can see it.

Time-Lapse Photography, the Celebrity VersionAt a party for Mobsters (aka Godfather Babies), BobGuccione, having evidently borrowed Burt Reynolds'shairpiece for the evening, discusses important topics withhis wife and business partner, Kathy Keeton; meanwhile,che big, not-at-all-artificial blond hair of significantlymore youthful Penthouse Pet Amy Lynn begins to hoverinto view.

Turning his back on Keeron, Guccione listens intently asLynn performs Ophelia's madness speech...

O .and, knowing him to be an antique-jewelry enthusiast,urges him to examine her pendant.

Keeton, meanwhile, enjoys a talk with an imaginaryfriend.

:1Ç' ;::\ L/

First Pee-wee, NowBugs At the I 991Video Software Deal-

p, ers Associationvention, an actor in a

iì Bugs Bunny suit was- ,ì. caught groping porn

Lstar Traci Lords (notethe disheveled curn-merbund). Now youknow why BugsBunny doesn't work

Lfor Disney.

rb*

J

--. ('

-A1New York's stupid U.S. senator,Al D'Amato, demonstrating hisfamed knack for nuancedpolitical rhetoric, d iscusses bigissues with recycled BorschtBelter Jackie Mason and one ofour boys.

86 SPY NOVEMBER 1991

Renaissance Man He's donc he TVweather thing, and now socialitewarcriminal Henry Kissinger is pursuing hisnewest vocational fantasyspending aday as a greeter at a well-known midtownrestaurant!

T

')_ k

fI \i:Why Famous People Wear

Sunglasses As Michelle Pfeiffer- and Al Pacino demonstrate on- the set of Frankie and Johnny

(the movie in which they areboth supposed to portray

.d unattractive diner workers),-, , sunglasses permit celebrities to

make sure they're looking their\ 9"Ç; best even when no mirrors or

reflective store windows are athand.

ClassifiedsC/assijids appear Yflififlbly 1?! SPY. To plaie an ad, ce,I materials to SPY Classije1s, 5 Uiion Sqftare %Vesi, Nei'.' York, NY I 0003. atte?IIion: i%lichael

Collins. Please incl#de your /lyt;rne telephone number mda&Iress on all correponde,ìce. For information, call (212) 633-65 50 or/ax (2 12) 633-8848.

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I1 IdIUtC Notes ToWa a NOflf1ctÎ NoVeI

TRANSCRIPTION OF GHWBDICTAPHONE RECORDING 021-0991Dear

Dictaphone.

(.

This on?Testing. How about those

Democrats?Testing.

Ç

Now, I'ma guy that likes

vacating as much as the nextguy--eeciàl1'

if theguy next to me's

my predecessor at the CasaBlanca, whos

incidentally I'm tallerthan, which not

many peoplerealize. It's true.

Reagan, yea high. But Bush,yea high. And I don't have that

spare

tire. . . . Where was I?Right--vacation.

Kennebunkport,important

locale for me, in my life, so it bothers me thatevery darn time I set

foot on Walker'sPoint all hell breaks loose. Last summer it

was Saddam,

this timeGorby. Gee, I am

glad thecoup people screwed it

up, though.

Anddealing with

Yeltsin, well, we'll do it,although you gotta remember

never to leave himalone with the keys to the

liquor cabinet.

Thought LaborDay'd never come.

Trying to line up a puttand all I

hear is camera casesbanging into

microphones. Had o hold a press

conferenceevery other

minute,including that awful

one where the fly

kept crawling over my face andI couldn't

swat or wave itaway because--

well, because I'm not the kinda guy thatgets bothered

by flies on TV.

Which led to that whole thing withBar, where she said I looked like

this fellaBarton Fink, and I said,

Barton who? I doa't know Barton

anybody. And she said, Don't you ever read thepaper? And I said, I have

aide whodoes that. shows me the

highlights. And shegoes off about

howunrounded I am, and if it's not

foreign affairs it's somestupid

croquet game, and don't I ever readanything about the

arts? And then

Bob. Bob, thehurricane. I headed

right down toWashington for

historical reasons(like, if the Soviet Union

collapsed, I wouldn'tget

caught sitting in a golf cartfiddling with the

zipper on my

windbreaker) . And Bar--shewas off this Barton

thing by then--Ithought

we'd have to airlift Barinland, but

Sununu had left us a car after all.

And then Ithought Labor

Day'd neverwith the

ACTING-UP crowd

over intown, more

disruptiveness, ruining sales for thesehardworking

localpeople with

shops, thesepeople that I have taken so many

pains to

develop theappearance of a

rapport with over thecourse of my life.

(And these arelifelong friends. Call 'em

up whenever I want, allhours,

punch the numbersmyself. And they answer.) Those

so-calledprotesters

cost me a wholeday on the

links. Is that the way to get yourmessage

across? Is that fair?Now, I've tried to

explain my position on this,

that it's a behavioralthing that

deserves a certainamount of

funding,

asignificant amount, for

appropriate research and so forth. And we're

doing plenty. Doing plenty. But after all, AIDS is alife-style choice,

likeCigarette-boating. Like

Weejuns. You can choose not toget AIDS.

You can choose not to wearWeejuns. What's

important--and I have said

this--iscompassion, and

anyone can tell you that Iam always

happy to

talk about that.Tell ya, it was like a movie all

month, likeLampoon's

Presidential

Vacation, one of those things we watch on the V.See, Bar? Arts.September 1991

GHWB:gk

tt

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