simorgh magazine issue 66 sept. 2014

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Michael E-mail: [email protected] Mobile: (613) 898-7733

UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP

their environment;

3. Following Kahlil Gibrans

counsel in The Prophet, communitarian values but

also individual identity,

what he calls spaces in

togetherness where family

members stand together

yet not too near together;

4. Openness to problem

solving around family

difficulties and challenges;

5. Personal responsibility

and accountability both for

parents and for children;

6. Permission for everyone to

make mistakes as part of

the growth process; and

7. Forgiveness and

reconciliation when hurt

occurs.

Dysfunction families

create the cover-up when

the message is always:

1. Power and control helps

one avoid being a victim;

2. Making mistakes leads to

humiliation or ridicule;

3. Personal thoughts and

feelings dont count;

4. Blame others especially

if you want to protect

yourself;

5. Always be on guard;

6. Your needs will never be

fulfilled; and

7. Constantly keep banging

your head up against the

wall.

Such are some of the

messages and experiences both

of functional and dysfunctional

family systems. It is estimated that

between 80-95% of families in

North America are dysfunctional!

The poisonous pedagogy

constantly teaches that adults are

the masters of the universe and

children are dependent on them for

everything. Thus, it is important

to break a childs will to show

them whos in charge! Parents, of

course, must always be seen as

right. In this way a child learns

that love comes from duty and

compliance, even blind obedience.

Making children tough (through

physical or threatening discipline)

will make them effective as they

become adults! And above all,

having strong feelings is always a

no-no. Be afraid to be yourself.

In Part III I am going to

discuss the answer to a question

many of you may be asking,

When were small children, how

do we typically cope with such

dysfunctional dynamics? First,

I will identify many of the main

strategies we learn early in life to

cope with a dysfunctional family

system. Ironically, the upside is that

those adult-children find healing by

going into the problem (or pain), going through it, and coming out of it. They are often thankful because their personal transformative

journey brought them to who they really are. In that way, they

have genuinely fallen in love with

themselves and as a result are then

able to love others. Transformation

has helped them shift from their

state of egocentricity what

Catherine of Sienna (1347-1380)

called the cloud of selfishness,

that is, seeing themselves as the

centre of the universe to a state of

ex-centricity by getting them to see

outside of themselves and into

healthy relationships with others.

Truly one loves others by first

loving oneself. It is uncovering the

soul (or person) of who we are that

we start to become all that we were

meant to be (Calling) by seeking

and choosing those wonderful gifts

from creation all around us (Quest)

and by having a healthy story to

tell (Story).

66


Further examination showed them that going

along with societys rules consciously or otherwise

or those of their families made life less painful than

always standing up for themselves or having their own

voice. This double-edged sword also meant, though,

that they also traded off pieces of their true self

(feelings and thoughts). Thus, being an addict is not

necessarily only around substance abuse but involves

patterns of behaviour we adopt for what we believe

are survival reasons as a child and later by seductions

from societys advertising and marketing. When such

addictive, codependent and attachment behaviours

make life increasingly painful for us, three options are

before us: flight, fight, and problem solving. Sadly,

the pain often forces us to be codependent with those

around us (flight) or to turn our anger and frustration in

not being ourselves (fight) into addictive behaviours.

In either case, both flight and fight options often begin

with simple attachments which then grow into full-

blown codependent relationships and addictions to

negative and costly behaviours and substances (Figure

2).

Figure 1: Flight-Fight Syndrome

The solution: confronting and working

through the cover-up of the original pain that overlaid

our soul, our person easier said that done, of course.

This cover-up was a protective measure at first when

we were children because any kind of rebellion or

confrontation with those around us (parents) was

simply just too scary. For some children, burying their

feelings or taking flight from their true self seemed

much more feasible but it also meant that they became

codependent with those around them by becoming

who parents wanted us to be (good little girls and boys), or we became addicts through acting out (anger,

destroying property, etc.) to distract us from the pain

of not being true to ourselves (thoughts and feelings).

Until someone later (a teacher, perhaps the police,

etc.) helped us sort out these dynamics we grew up and

perpetuated the roles. In an earlier series I wrote about

the Relationship Matrix a hypothetical couple

with these (exaggerated) dysfunctions and called

them Princess Yuk (flight) married to Prince Macho

(fight); or the flip side, Dragon Lady (fight) married to

Little Boy Blue (flight). Irrespective of the role titles,

such roles are a formula for disaster or, at minimum,

a formula for living a life-long relationship of misery.

You may be asking: what are some of the qualities of

functional family systems? I have numbered up to 7 of

these qualities below. A functional family fosters

1. Serving individuals in the family, not vice

versa;

2. Openness to express appropriate thoughts

and feelings. Appropriate means teaching

children how to respond, not simply react, to


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of us is an interconnected journey. Connectedness breaks the cycle of

dysfunction because it also breaks

the code and cycle of silence.

Explanation of Life as Story

We all have a story to tell.

That story, as I came to see over the years, was the fruit, so to speak,

of what we were meant to be and do and what we felt we should

be and do. Nothing drastic at this point. The trouble begins when the discrepancy or cognitive

dissonance, as psychologists call it

between what I call our Calling

and our Quest becomes jarring

or problematic. When that happens

we know on some level that we

must follow a certain path to be true to ourselves (Calling) but we

also want our own way as we see

it (Quest) irrespective. Our Story is

the result of this interplay between

Calling and Quest. For some it

takes years to figure out what each

means in their lives. They want one

thing (success or money, etc.) but

they know on another level that

something is missing, that there is

something more that is needed

but they dont know what that is.

One of the best ways to

begin sorting out the stumbling

blocks to unlocking the true self

our soul or personhood is to reflect

on the notion of family systems and

the enormous problems that can

emerge from what psychologist

Alice Miller (1923-2010) called

the poisonous pedagogy that

many families teach and pass on to

their children. Its not without merit

that the Jewish scriptures speak to

the passing on of dysfunctions to

the third and fourth generations

(Numbers 14:18). Sad to say, it

is when the hurt with someones

Story is strong enough that they

will seek out help. Pain can be a

catalyst for seeking help and for

new growth.

A family is a system with

interrelating parts. Like a mobile

over a babys bed, if you touch

one piece of the mobile the whole

mobile goes into motion. This

happens also within a family

system; we could almost call it

a family mobile! Drs. Kelly

Nemeck and Marie Coombs point

out that a family is a microcosm of

society, its culture and subcultures.

To know a society is to know the

family structure. A dysfunctional

society and family reinforce

each other. In that sense there is

collusion between society and the

family system because we, in our

families, live in society. What is

known as the zeitgeist (the spirit

of the times) or social character

has tremendous influence on how

we think and feel. Unknowingly

we embrace societys trends. I

used to have respectful, but heated,

discussions with my students, for

example, when I would ask them,

Is Nike paying you to wear those

running shoes you have on (or

jackets or t-shirts, etc.)? I told

them that Nike was getting free

advertising from them, spreading

the Nike word, for example. That

goes for all other brands as well.

They would say they had no choice but to wear a brand of something

or other. My point was that they

must do so consciously, not simply

go along with the crowd. It was at

this point that they realized that,

though young, they werent as

free as they claimed to be. The

social character or zeitgeist had

a much deeper claim on them.

Such an awareness allowed us to

examine dysfunctional beliefs

Millers poisonous pedagogy that

had already been unconsciously

implanted in them by society and

often reinforced by their families.

In short, eventually they owned up

to a more or less degree of addiction

or codependency or attachment to

societies rules and to the family

rules learned in and reinforced by

their families.


66


UNCOVERING THE COVER-UP:

Healing Through Insight, Courage,

Action (ICA)

from Addiction, Codependency and

Attachment

Dr. Michael Rock

Licensed Emotional Intelligence Facilitator

Professor (ret.), Human Relations and Ethics

Simorgh Magazine, September 2014

PART II

We are all wounded somehow or another. We travel

a journey to wholeness. Were not there yet; were in via, on the way. This in-between zone and time is called life. In Part I (August 2014) we discussed the woundedness that is part of each of us. W.C. Fields (1880-1946), the comedian, used to say that were not getting out alive! He got that one correct. The final wound is death. Thats not a negotiable item. What is under our control more or less are the choices we can make with the in-between time between birth

and death. It is possible to become more and more

conscious of our true identity, our true destiny, and

how best to navigate the human journey. In an another

article I discussed a triangle-shaped image of how I

began to see the human journey after story upon story unfolded before me with my students and when people

shared the ups-and-downs of their lives in counselling

sessions. That image is portrayed in Figure 1 below, Life as Story.

What I want to do in this article is describe some of the key stumbling blocks so that our story is a healthy one. The major stumbling block to a healthy life story is succumbing to the forces of addictions, codependency,

and attachments (ACA) that can seduce us along the way. As we saw in Part I, the seductions take us away from the main purpose of the human journey in the

first place: to become all that we can become or, as

Carl Jung referred to it, individuation. Anything short of that can be benign at best, deadly at worst. In either case we are not being who we are meant to be. I call that journey ones soul journey or becoming the person that Life wants for us. We cant live another persons life (although many try) because we cannot live out of the psychological pocket of others. We

must be ourselves and develop the insight, courage and action (ICA) to make that happen. Often people need

outside help. The journey to wholeness for each one


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