salvator mundi book three

8/13/2019 Salvator Mundi Book Three

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BOOK THREE : LAUD

(Dec 16th1997 Jan 6th1998)

Everyones gone away and I am alone with Sam and his dead. Helooks at me when next I visit him and waits. What is it? What am Isupposed to say? Have I missed something? Puzzled his eyessear!h mine."#ont you want to know a$out the $a$y?%"I& you want to tell me% I sigh resignedly."'he $a$y was (un% he says.)nd then I am assailed $y all the winds o& heaven with !horuses o&angels in my ears and I leap up. *y heart $ursts open suddenly withtears. "Him?% the $lood pounds in my &a!e. "He was the $a$y?%"+es% says Sam "It was him.%

Dec 16thThere has been a huge storm with gale-force winds. A tree on thehillside above the farm has fallen on the telephone line and I am cutoff. And everyone has gone away. Im alone on an isolated hill farmin orthumberland miles from civilisation with no one around. AndIm an orphan. I have been an orphan ever since my parents died !"years ago but Ive always had Aunt #essie. This year with $hristmascoming% I realise that I have no-one. I seem to have entered a &oneof tragic loss.'hy are some peoples lives freighted with loss( )y mothers too. It

is programmed into me. A genetic predisposition to loss. *venbefore I was born my mother lost her son% the child she left behindwhen she ran away with my father. It was her fault of course. +hewas a bolter. A ,omantic. It was on ew ears Day 1/6. I imaginea surfeit of party spirit developed into an amorous suspension ofdisbelief and a passionate leap into the void. +oon to be followed bythe sad recognition that impetuosity is its own reward. #ecause thecourt awarded custody of the child to her husband% who never lether see him. +o ew ears Day was a rende&vous with grief in ourhouse. ot very flattering to my father% for it was a love match.

'hich eventually produced me in 160. robably to replace the lostchild. It didnt 2uite wor3 out as a 4ife lan though because I lostthem both in a car-crash when I was ten.And now I have lost Aunt #essie too. It seems li3e carelessness. owonder I loo3 so wet. And no wonder I am lost myself% a wanderingplanet in an empty s3y. 5elpless% and with a predisposition to callmen +ir. Ive been invited to 4ondon for $hristmas but I shant go.Im not a bolter. And there is no place for partying in my heart.+am too is desolate and will not meet my eyes. 5e is li3e a man ona precipice% swaying towards the abyss% poised for the great leapforward. #ut I dont thin3 hell ma3e it. 5es fascinated by suffering%

and that 3eeps him in the game.


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5e wants to tell me about 4aud% but I cant face it. +o I tell him towrite it down and send it to me. 5e says he had already written itwhen he was in America and will send me a copy.

Dec !/th

5A $5,I+T)A+Am alone as planned. o tur3ey or plum pud% 7ust a silent wal3 on adripping hill and a robin singing by the well. 8reatew career 9 hermit.

CID New Scotland Yard Dec 26th.

MEM to Ch!e" #!$rar!an Mar% Slater.

In"or&ed ' t!ll re*a!r!n+ %o,r *hone a"ter tor&. -leae contact when done.e*orted !+ht!n+ o" $o% '/N !n &an% *lace on Chr!t&a E0e ere"ord3r4ne%3 M,&$le ead3 Ile o" 5!+ht3 Mar+ate3 St I0e3 Mancheter3lde$,r+h3 El%3 'lac4*ool3 Ed!n$,r+h and Ca&$r!d+e. Se0eral *hoto+ra*h o"h!& were ta4en wh!ch d!d not co&e o,t. nal%! howed no de"ect !n othere*o,re3 $,t thee ee& to ha0e $een ,$ected to a 0er% tron+ l!+ht.:5!tnee !ncl,de two '!ho* and an rchdeacon ta4!n+ M!dn!+ht Ma.Increaed a,thent!c!t% alo re*orted !n the a$o0e locat!on. ;ee* &e !n"or&edo" ",rther de0elo*&ent. a**% New Year.

C.S.


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the odour of sanctity( I sniff around trying to locate its source but inthe end have to trail bac3 forlornly to the farm% none the wiser.

'hen I get home I find a parcel from +am containing his script.

LAUD GOODCHILD - The first sevenYears


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ma3es no sound. Didnt she say there was something wrong withhim( I unwrap one end of the parcel and loo3 in.I KNOW HIM! 5e is my friend% my dear friend% and I 3now him I cryout with astonished recognition. $ertainty has come into my life.The thing I have been waiting for has arrived% it is here in this

parcel At once everything falls into place. I am his and I will givemy life to him.And instantly I am afraid. It is a moment of truth. A great terror hasarrived with this coming and I cry out@ ious% I am T*,,I;I*D. It is a I44*, thing that iscoming.Then I loo3 at the 3itchen table where Thessaly has laid out theentire contents of )othercare and mindlessly I start to re-enact thesoothing rituals of babyhood I performed for )ary all those yearsbefore. And as I change him% feed him% tal3 and sing to him% I amlulled and comforted and at peace. 5elplessly I bathe him and puthim to bed in the carry-cot she has left me% and he never ma3es asound. 5e doesnt move or react% 7ust lies there with open eyes%waiting. And that night as I place the cot by my bed I find there is aphotograph of )ary% age seven% on the dressing-table. 5er brightfloating hair and spellbound eyes send me to sleep contented andsecure.

I am awo3en by the sound of wings. 5uge wings fan my face andbeat a great wind that lifts the coverlet and galvani&es the curtainsby the window. A fine silvery thread of sound spins from a sweetvoice or instrument so rare it is as if the soul itself is singing inunutterable 7oy. )y face is wet with tears. A soft glow is emanatingfrom the carrycot where 4aud lies 2uietly with open eyes. I am filledwith awe. And yet I 3now it is only to be e>pected of my friend.'here he is will be the sound of wings% the souls ineffable delight.5ow shall I be worthy of this baby(e>t day I ring up@


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#irds begin to chime li3e bells as soon as we appear. 4aud is asgood as gold% eating% sleeping% lying open-eyed and waiting while Ichange him. 5e never ma3es a sound. There must be somethingwrong with him. I see his an3le is slightly twisted when I bathe him. Iwill phone the hospital to get some tests done% and while I am there%

maybe I could get my old 7ob bac3 and wor3 part-time( ic3ing upthe carrycot I see there is a ring of daisies on the path where itstood. Its too early for daisies. The primroses have opened too. Andthe daffodils.

e>t morning Im wo3en by birdsong in the bedroom. A large robinis sitting on 4auds cot singing his heart out. 5e is not frightenedand will not go until he has finished. ;inally he bobs in satisfaction%loo3s round officiously% then flies straight out through the windowleaving me to applaud and forward his fee. 5e is the first of manyvisitors% furred% feathered% flying and crawling% of all species% shapes%si&es% habits and dispositions. They behave well on the whole? thereis no fighting or showing off or soiling the floor% though there aresome high spirits in the garden afterwards.

ulling strings I get 4aud an appointment with the aediatrician at'allbec3 8eneral and go up to my old department while he ishaving his tests. )y boss has retired but they are pleased to seeme% are short -staffed and can give me as much part-time wor3 as Iwant.At +ocial +urfaces )rs Thursloe 3nows a good foster-mother% a )rs

;owler% a cheerful woolly-haired woman with three children living ona $ouncil *state. +he can ta3e 4aud in two wee3s. I pic3 him up fromthe clinic and drive home% my head seething with plans for thefuture. I need to be on hand in case 4aud needs me% so I will give upthe 7ob in America and wor3 part-time in my old department at'allbec3 8eneral. I will turn the parlour into a consulting room so Ican see private patients% and install a des3 and a filing cabinet anda new computer.

The following morning a chaffinch is furiously piping its springanthem on 4auds cot% with the cat from down the lane% a large

snail% and a tiny furry creature that I ta3e to be a shrew all ranged ina row by its side. After a while they depart% and I decide to leave thewindow slightly open for access up the wall. In daytime the bac3door is a7ar until the day I hear a terrible rumpus and find a cart-horse in the 3itchen. After that only the parlour window remainsopen so that the cows can loo3 in. $ows seem very fond of babies.+heep too. During the summer they congregate in the garden. Asits uncultivated they do no real damage% and seem 2uite happy 7ustto be near 4aud% even if hes asleep.

4aud was undisturbed by his visitors. Indeed he was unaware of ourpresence. 5e seemed to live behind a glass screen% protected from


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the world% in some celestial Intensive $are. In a 2uiet shell ofstillness and trust as I bathed% fed and cared for him% I becamecleansed% nourished and soothed myself. 'e were calm% absorbed%at peace.

The tests showed no malformation apart from his an3le% but he didnot react normally to stimuli and it was possible he was autistic. 5isbirth certificate named him 4aud 8oodchild% and Thessaly had givenher first name% so the mother was registered as )ary. The fatherwas not named. I found this painful and hard to bear. ot that mywife had had a se>ual partner - she had the right to do as shepleased after all these years - but I needed to 3now who was thefather of this ama&ing being who now transformed my life soeffortlessly.After a while )rs ;owler rang to say she was ready for us.Another moment of truth% despair% terror and overwhelming love.#ut a panic-stric3en voice of reason once again reassured me thatmiddle-aged men living alone on isolated hill-farms do not bring upsmall babies. In time this voice became more frightening thanreality itself and I learned to distrust it. #ut now I obeyed it andpac3ed all 4auds )othercare stuff into the boot of the car. As weate a final lunch under the apple tree a red s2uirrel% a mole and afrog came to see us% and I wondered how )rs ;owler would copewith his visitors in a small semi on a housing estate.

Arrived at the house I too3 the carrycot and wal3ed up the path. Irang the bell and waited. The door had been newly painted I saw.o reply. I felt a surge of relief. +he wasnt in. I rang again and thedoor opened.


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showing him delightfully funny and creative things to do. The schoolhad a record of good results and they taught him to do things forhimself@ dress and undress% wash and use the toilet% comb his hairand clean his shoes. *verything too3 time. 5e did things very slowlywith great stillness and calm. 5e still reacted to nothing? his face

was serene and e>pressionless% as if he was waiting to be switchedon. I found it hard living with someone so closely% with no means ofcommunication% and a great deal was ta3en on trust. It was bothpainful and revealing% and I felt very e>posed.

I happened to be at the $entre when they showed him how to writehis name. 4.A.F.D. 5e drew a big circle. A face I thought. #ut thenhe put a large cross in it and lay down his pencil satisfied. 5e didthis every time they wrote their names.


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5oly 'ater was unusually refreshing? it tasted nutty and slightlysweet li3e flowers% and we dran3 it often.

ow comes the hard part. I wish I didnt have to tal3 about this% butit is the heart of the matter and cannot be avoided% so youd better

3now the worst. I began to realise there was a very strong energy in4aud% but it was switched off. 5e was waiting to switch it on. In themeantime I was shut out% e>cluded from his life. It hurt me terribly.)y love for him was so e>treme% so passionate% that I felt re7ected.;or him I did not e>ist. At the time I thought there was somethingwrong with me% but now I realise he had the same effect oneveryone. +ooner or later we all revealed our worst side to him@ allthat was hidden% bitter% dar3 and poisonous. Any small resentment%petty 7ealousy or meanness% any spiteful unworthy thoughts 3eptunder wraps for decades would be e>posed when 4aud appeared.+o I found myself trying to provo3e him to elicit a response% doingthings to upset him. I would shout at him% ta3e away his food% hidehis toys% threaten him who I loved more than life itself. It had noeffect. 5is face remained serene% immovable% loc3ed away. I ragedin fury and despair. I wanted to 4EG* him% to be 4EG*D% to have arelationship. Instead here was this little child% this enchanted being%utterly complete and filled with unimaginable graces% for whombirds sang and flowers opened and unseen wings created heavenlymusic% who could have been brought by the stor3 from )ountElympus so removed was he from all human toils and tangles% whonever cried or showed distress or any natural feelings% and I could

have I44*D him 5e never even +A' me. And I loved him moreeach day. It was intolerable.I was behaving li3e a child. I had the tantrums he should have beenhaving and became malicious and cruel in a way I couldntunderstand. It was a nightmare 9 li3e possession. There is no pointin moralising about it% he was luc3y to survive. 5e could have been abattered baby% I could have been in 7ail. In fact I was on the$ommittee for $hildrens 'elfare at the hospital. I am onlydescribing all this to e>plain what happened later when he went outinto the world. *very light casts a shadow% and the brighter the lightthe dar3er the shadow.

I tried constantly to find out who his father was. 'hat 3ind of mancould produce a child li3e that( Thessaly would only say


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I had no idea what she meant and left it at that.

I found it impossible to remember my previous visit? it had theluminous unreality of a dream or a prolonged bender. 10/ The+ummer of 4ove. I had not been myself in some way. I recollected

The 'hite 5arte in 'allbec3 and a mirror with


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iety.plain.'ill you have a cup of tea( lease sit down again. The biscuits areby your elbow. Do you ta3e mil3( The sugar is on the table.=

Dont humour me I thought petulantly. #ut she was good at her 7oband made me behave.


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serene% in his protective shell% completely self-contained? nothingtouched him from the outside world. #ut the outside world stillfound him irresistible and he spent much of that year sitting in thegarden surrounded by village toddlers or wal3ing on +elly 5ill withthe local animals. 5e was never alone. It seemed as if a constant

guard was 3ept on him% and as soon as one protector left anotherarrived to replace him. There was never a shortage of applicants.)y first thought was to get him a child-minder so I could continue towor3 in 'allbec3. I was luc3y to find a village girl called Gi% whocame in each morning to wash up% clean the house and ma3e 4audsome lunch. Then I found he already had a minder 9 two in fact. 5ecame down from the hill one day flan3ed by a large blac3 dog onone side and a large white cat on the other. 5e wrote their namesdown for me@ the dog was Eon and the cat eeti. o-one 3new theirprovenance% but they never left his side% even to go to bed.And now at last 4aud remar3ably began to ma3e progress. This newsystem seemed to give him the secure base he needed% and hedeveloped practical s3ills@ he helped Gi in the house% and%astonishingly% sometimes even made tea for me when I got home.5e seemed happy in the 3itchen% and I found he could coo3 a mealor ma3e brea3fast if he had plenty of time and was not hurried. Itwas a huge relief to me to discover that he could play safely on hisown 9 with Eon and eeti of course. +o all seemed to be going well.)y intense an>iety was lulled by this surface stillness. I didntrealise then that the e>ternal calm was in direct proportion to avolcanic power within.

)eanwhile I had converted the parlour into a consulting room%moving the old armchairs into the 3itchen ne>t door% so we couldrela> in there and listen to music or watch television. And thus itwas that I came to plained that $onsulting hours were from !.H" to 6pm and as3ed


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her to ma3e an appointment ne>t day. At this she began ascreaming tantrum% flinging her fists in the air% stamping her feetwith rage% and finally lying down on the gravel to drum her heels onthe ground. I was not in the mood to appreciate this e>hibition andleft her to calm down while I poured myself a stiff drin3. 'hen I got

bac3 to attend to her she had gone. I was not too worried% as I 3newthe young lady had a history of attention see3ing and staged suicidebids% but I phoned the olice anyway to as3 them to 3eep an eye outfor her. Ef course the phone was out of order.

+o this was the state of play when I went bac3 into the 3itchen toflop into my armchair more dead than alive% pour myself anotherdrin3 and switch on the television. I glanced at 4aud who wasdrawing pictures on the floor and got a bad shoc3. +omething hadhappened to him. It was as if a powerful searchlight had beenswitched on and shone straight into my eyes. 5e loo3ed right intome with a voltage that nearly stopped my heart. 5e had total3nowledge of what I had 7ust done and 3new me inside out. It was2uite impersonal. 5e saw right through me and showed me that he3new. I was filled with terror and shame. There was no 7udgement inhis eyes% no accusation% 7ust 3nowledge tinged with regret. I haveseen a similar loo3 on the face of a potter forced to re7ect animperfect cup while unloading his 3iln@ detached disappointment. +odid my son pressed in a sociallyacceptable way. 5e was protecting people by switching off% becausewhen he switched on it could blow a fuse. It was never personal or7udgemental? I even got the impression that people were operatingit unconsciously themselves when they needed to 3now the truth.They switched him on li3e a searchlight. I noticed this when I sawthe pains he too3 to avoid


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would ta3e him shopping in 'allbec3 after lunch. 5e settled it bygoing to sit in the car.+o I bought him a grey suit in which he loo3ed embarrassinglyangelic and we went to see the Gicar. I thought it best to e>plainthat 4aud had communication problems but seemed 3een on the

idea% and would the $hurch have any ob7ections( BAll the time I hada sense of foreboding. I 3new it was as3ing for trouble and I hadvisions of 4aud


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En the hill Ef course he would be on the hill I rushed out of thehouse clutching 4auds shoe in one hand and the polishing cloth inthe other. En and on I climbed feverishly - the humming wasdeafening - right up to the sarsen stone. And there I had to stop% forEon and eeti were barring the way. And I saw that the great stone

was ringed with light. And the small figure of 4aud was indeed on his3nees in prayer. +uddenly I realised hed been there all night.5umbled and ashamed I went down the hill to finish his shoes andtell the olice Id found him.

'hen 4aud returned I got him washed and into his grey suit whilehe had some tea and toast and opened his cards. 'ith his softbrown hair combed and his shining face he seemed to glow with aninner light. Thessaly was right - seven is a mysterious and wonderfulage.

'e got to church on time. 4aud loo3ed unnervingly serene andangelic in his new suit% and I was fearfully proud of him. All wentaccording to plan at first though there was a mighty stillness in theplace as if it was holding its breath in anticipation. )ypresentiments seemed to be without foundation. *ven Eon andeeti consented to remain outside% although my e>perienced earswere attuned to the sound of animals 2uietly gathering in thechurch porch. I could hear snuffling and heavy breathing and aswiftly curtailed cited young lamb. +heep Iwailed inwardly in despair. Theyre the worst

Then came the moment when the Gicar anointed 4aud with the holywater in the name of the ;ather% the +on% and the 5oly 8host% andall hell bro3e loose. The church doors burst open to the sound of amighty wind and the air was filled with the beating of giganticwings. Thessaly shouted


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The air was mad with sound. 4aud seemed 2uite unperturbed andhis glow was increasing if anything. 5e loo3ed round smiling to seeif we were en7oying the show. $hristy was duc3ing behind the pewsas the wings lifted the white hair on his head and laughing li3e asmall boy at a fly-past.


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'hat happened ne>t is hard to e>plain. I would have said 4audtal3ed to them if hed been able to spea3% because the vast crowdhad every ear and whis3er strained to catch his meaning% and theyseemed to understand. After about half-an-hour he got down andopened the gate for them and they all filed 2uietly out% ta3ing a

drin3 at the horse-trough as they left. 'ho 3nows what friendshipswere formed on the way home( And Eon and eeti went too. #ac3where they came from. 'e never saw them again.

+o passed 4auds baptism. The family returned to the farm withhearts full and eyes shining with memories. ;ar into the night wetal3ed 9 of the tiny hedgehog $hristy found curled up in his hat% thepig in the vestry offering cabbage-leaves to the Gicar% the heifer thatcarried ;loras handbag% and the sheep that always went the wrongway.

And thats how the story should have ended 9 with the young boy onthe hillside% his fragile head lit by the setting sun% the silent throngof breathing animals listening spellbound then trotting home to theirnests and byres% ;lora powerfully fragrant in a flounced pin3 dressrescuing a panic3y hen while $hristy sorted out a 2uarrel among thepigs% ;oster chasing the myopic sheep that made straight for'allbec3% Thessaly in a new flowered hat filling the horse-troughand finding it full of duc3lings% the Gicar trying to shield his biblefrom the depredations of the circling dove and calling


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splashing water into his wellies and I was beginning to feel annoyed.'e were wading pac3-laden through overhanging willows% densebirch-saplings% cresses and s3in-tearing blac3berry vines. o-onehad been this way before.To my surprise and irritation I saw 4aud force his way into a tangle

of branches at the waters edge. #y this time I was tired% wet andhungry and the pac3 straps branded my shoulders li3e red-hot iron.Then he disappeared. Infuriated I had no choice but to follow%forcing my way through the vegetation straight into the ban3. Andthere we were in a cave. In a large% dry% well-aired cave 4aud wassitting on a stone building a fire as if hed been there all his life.+o this was to be our wee3-end camp-site.

That night 4aud christened his new sleeping-bag% unrolling itcarefully and sha3ing it out to fluff it up as I had shown him. 5ismovements appeared more confident now and an unmista3ablechange had come over him in the last twenty-four hours. 'hether itwas the baptism or finding the cave I didnt 3now% but he wasactually present with me for the first time in his life. I hardly daredto breathe. 5is face was bright and alive 9 normal almost 9 and hiseyes glowed with pleasure. 5e even smiled at me. I felt very tearfuland couldnt spea3. As we settled to sleep beside the dying fire I feltthe tender future wa3ing in my hands and prayed I would have thewit to foster it.

e>t morning we went e>ploring. 'e found an old watercourse by

the cave entrance that formed a path up into the forest. It was verytangled and overgrown and once again I wanted to turn bac3% but4aud was out of sight by now% fighting the vegetation. After twohours climbing and sweating we emerged into a ha&el copse thatseemed familiar 9 and sure enough% there was our well at the centreof it. 'e had come out on the hill behind the farm. I unloc3ed thewell cover using the 3ey Id hidden in the wall% and we had a drin3 ofwater. Then I got my big power torch out of the car so that we coulde>plore the cave.

Trac3ing our way bac3 down to the river it was a 7oy to follow 4aud

through the forest% crashing and leaping% bounding through theundergrowth li3e any normal seven-year-old. )y heart was very fullwith happiness and hope that morning.

I need to describe #un. 5e always wal3ed with a slight limp ofcourse% but apart from that% when he was switched off% he madevery little impression. 5is hair was light-brown and fine% his eyesgrey% his build slender and graceful. ou noticed only his intensestillness% his eyes cast down unfocussed as if he was listening. Erwaiting. #ut although he was absent% he was never dreamy or

vague. 5e was not other-worldly. It was a volcanic power sourceconcentrated elsewhere. +o you felt e>cluded and shut out. #ut at


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the same time it was e>citing. And real. 4i3e living with anune>ploded bomb.

En the rare occasions that he switched on% you were never aware ofhis appearance% only of your own feelings. ou were stripped na3ed

and e>posed to yourself without 7udgement or comment. All yourillusions were revealed% shabby% dusty% shifty and pretentious. #utthough it was uncomfortable beyond belief% it was never personal.5e did not 7udge you? you 7udged yourself. ou were left feelinglove% shame and terror% a desolate sense of worthlessness% and apiercing longing for relationship as passionate and intense as lifeitself. 5e awo3e you abruptly from deep sleep% shoo3 your wholebeing% and made you free% conscious and alive. I never 3new anyonewho wasnt changed by it.Inside the cave it was dar3 and dirty and I went first with the bigtorch% lighting up the floor. Amongst the rubble and debris I sawsomething round% li3e an old pottery disc covered in dirt% lying bythe wall. I put on my glasses to inspect it and rubbed it clean. Itloo3ed li3e a design of some 3ind. Then I gasped. It was a cross-in-a-circle with a hole in it as if for a pendant.pressed. At that moment I realised he hadcome home. It was his cave. 5ow that might be I had no idea but hisname was on the wall and he was filling the place with his spirit. The

cave was silently accumulating power and an almost intolerablepeace. )y legs gave way and I sat down in the dirt unable to move%watching 4aud search the wall again and find scrawls 9 childrensdrawings of eyes% faces and sunsets. 5e was crying 5e was readingthe pictures 5e 3new what they meant 5e sat down on his stonewith his eyes closed and his face rela>ed in incomparable relief 9 asif he had come to the end of a long% long 7ourney. 5is period ofwaiting seemed to be at an end and something was about tohappen. The golden afternoon was still% suspended in the momentsbefore action% stretched and e>pectant. In agony I ached to stop it

coming but could do nothing. I could not move or spea3.


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and I rela>ed again. 5e was 7ust fantasising li3e all children. It gaveme a warm glow of comfort that he wanted me for his father.ploding from my bowels. o not again E . . . and still he heldmy eyes. . . .

I stuffed on my boots% do up your laces% yes did up my laces% andpic3 up your par3a% yes pic3ed up my par3a% running up the paththrough the forest% up the trac3 to the farm . . . . . . her s3in% her s3insmelt of the sun . . its alright% its alright% its unthin3able . . . and I

put it in . . . . put it up her . . . . DET T5I . . . . . #ut I fuc3edher )y own daughter


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. . . Its alright . . . . . Dont thin3% its unthin3able% 7ust 3eep running%up the trac3 to the farm . . . . youre alright% :F+T ** ,FI8 . .. Ill phone Thessaly and shell say its alright% unthin3able . . . onlyten-thirty% not too late% ET )A, E 'heres her number( Thatsright. +hell tell us its unthin3able.


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buy. #ut never come bac3 to the farm% do you hear( I never want tosee you again.==

:an HrdIn the 3itchen 1 am sha3ing. )a3ing 5orlic3s% good stuff 5orlic3s%

sweet and glutinous% stops the nausea. It doesnt stop the sha3ingthough% or the crying. The 8ree3s had a word for it@ $atharsis.1.H" am+till sha3ing but now my mind is racing@ because I 3now how thisstory ends. It ends with me. Ef course 4aud pushed +am into it% butthere was more to it than that. The thing was planned. It wasinescapable. +ome interior mechanism in +am was programmed toreact in this way% he was necessary to the plot. It only needed thetripping of a switch for the wheels to engage and the entirese2uence of events to tumble into a chain reaction. Then it couldntbe halted. If youd told Eedipus not to go to the place where threeroads meet% would he not still have 3illed his father on another roadon another day(#ut #uns story involved others% for I was necessary to the plot aswell. 5ad I been programmed too( #ecause without my diligent%painsta3ing intervention there could have been no outcome. I didntmean to harm anyone% I was 7ust a competent% reliable employeedoing my 7ob. 'ho cares my dear( It was your Destiny. As it was+ams. Thessaly once said it was +ams destiny to be at fault% and Ididnt understand her. #ut shes cleverer than she loo3s.Thessaly Its in her boo3 +omething the twins said. In her boo3 I

loo3 it up feverishly. 'hat was it(


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8reater than both of us. 5e is a )aster of some 3ind% a Teacher.Then all at once I find I am in the house and my fingers are on the3eyboard of +ams computer tapping away into the night.

It hard hard to talk Master. I ten years in forest and I not got words. And isprivate matter. As between man and wife on wedding night so between Bunand forest. But now he caught like fish on stick and you must knowing secretheart of Bun so he can know it too. But it hurt hurt to speak of Master,because Bun in forest like baby in mother. Every day forest telling he newstory giving he new present thrush!call, unwrapping leaf, cobweb basket.Bun only seven years old and sometime he cold, sometime he lonely,sometime he afraid. "hen rolling up bed!fur for go home. But each time foresttelling new story, giving new present, singing new song, and he stay.

Master Bun#s mother say he never cry when he baby. $ever cry never cry.

%he say he inside hut inside hut inside hut. I think so Master. &hen Buncome to forest he inside seven hut. Each hut have door belong ne't hut, soseven door. &hen he come through seventh door he free. It take ten yearsand only now free. But now he caught like fish on stick( )huge laugh.*

It +uiet in forest. $o womens, no washings, no shoutings. Bun can be still.isten river, see moon rise, watch clouds go by go by. -e dig hole forcooking, clear bramble, get firewood. -e cleaning, cooking, sweeping cavelike woman make home for man. "hen all finished. &hat must Bun do nowAt home allatime womens running, singing, shouting, laughing, and Buninside most inside hut to be safe. $ot moving, not speaking, not playing withwomens to be safe. In forest is no womens so no need hiding. But Bun still ininside hut. -e say &hy hiding It safe. /ome out now.0 But he not know howto come out. And suddenly he no more safe. -e ask he &hat I do now&here I go &hy I alone in forest0%o he go home to hill. &omens is shouting, singing like before, and Buninside inside hut like before, but no more safe. $ot safe in forest but not safeon hill either and is noisy, so he go back cave.

But now it like big black bird with claws circle circle to tear Bun to pieces. "earat he, peck at he. Bun keep moving moving and not stop for fear of bird. -e

not sleep at night. -e hide in tree to watch tribe laughing, hunting, dancing,he hiding but not safe, and ask he &hy I not like that0 It bad Master. Bunnot belong tribe, not belong cave, not belong he even. -e get weak Master1cold in bones aching, spirit falling. But he not stop moving. -e say I done badthing to feel so bad. But what bad thing I not know.0 -e say I bad person tobe allatime alone. But why I bad person I not know.0 Bird say to he 2ouworthless boy. I go eat you up.0

3ne day Bun fetch food!parcel from tree as usual and he say I go kill thisblack bird for ever. I go show him what big boy can do.0 And he run fast fastthrough forest and make BI4 5ump off fallen tree and 6 /7A/8( ! he break

ankle. Bun only eight years old Master but he never run again. -e walk withstick now. "hat why tribe calling me Bun. It mean 4randpa.


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$ow is real pain in foot. Bad pain, not like bird. Bird gone. Ankle send heaway. -e say I real boy. Bird only pretend. Bird only in head. Ankle in body. Ishow you who you are so you never forget. 2ou show me how you go dealwith this pain. 2ou rose!petal or you oak!tree0 And Bun crawl home saying I

go show this ankle I big boy. I not go cry.0 But I telling you Master he cry he tosleep for first time in he life, he so tired and pain so bad.

$e't morning ankle blowed up like pig#s bladder and Bun want only rest incave and cry some more. But he hungry Master, he must fetch food from tree.Ankle say -ow you go through forest on me I no go let you.0 But Bunthirsty, need water from spring. And ankle say 2ou put weight on me boy I gomake you scream like dying pig.0 And pain say I tell you who you are boy.2ou cripple( 2ou go stay here in this cave and starve(0Bun got bad pain Master, but he got worse temper when he hungry and hesay I show you how I go deal with you.0 And he cut forked stick to make

crutch and he say $ow you go see who go win this fight.0 And ankle say I gomake you scream every step you take. I go hang down like dead sheep andbang everything you pass and it go hurt you boy, and you go cry.0 And Bunsay I go shout even louder than I cry and I go beat you this day.0%o off they go through forest and ankle banging away like dying pig and Bunshouting like cra9y man that if ankle not behave he go cut him off. Andallatime is tears falling falling like waterfall and pain say "his who you areboy. Bird only pretend. "his real. I only waiting for you to 5ump off tree so Ican show you who you are.0 And Bun surprised but not surprised. Because itseem like he been carrying broken ankle inside he allatime. 3nly needing treeto bring he out. :ain lying in wait behind tree. And ankle say &hat you wantI send away bird don#t I0 And Bun thinking I give ankle for bird At leastankle tell me who I am.0 But ankle saying +uietly -e not know I am for life.0

%o Bun come through first door Master. ;oor of inmost hut. -ut of oneliness.I think so. Because Bun he in second hut now. -ut of :ain. -e never lonelyno more. -e got pain for company now.

Because ankle got long memory and not forgive. -e against Bun after that.-e enemy to lie in wait. -e let Bun go long walk then fall down far from cave.-e wake him in night tearing with teeth and Bun crawl round cave banging

head on wall and screaming like world come to end. "hen ankle swell up bigbig like dead goat so Bun must drag him behind, shouting him to go awayleave him alone. -e hate ankle like enemy.

3ne night pain so bad Bun lose senses. -e raving. -e not know who he. -ebig swollen thing dying of grief. -e broken ankle. -e so sad he crying bigwaves like storm at sea. $ot hate him no more. ove him like friend. ike benttwig. ike broken twig in forest. ;rowning in pain but not fighting. Melting inpain like mother at night. -e soft and tender. -e feel love and grief for brokenankle. $e't day he lie in cave watching clouds go by go by. -earing whisperof little birds like notes in trees. All calm, all washed clean. :ain still there but

no fighting. -e give up. %pirit smiling like child. Bun come through seconddoor I think Master. -ut of :ain.0


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amIt is morning. The night has died or I have died or something. All iswhite and stiff with hoar-frost% including me. In the ghostly world ofthe garden the birds are singing% and a brown cat lifts its wet paws

through the white fur grass passionately% obsessively% egged on by ascreaming blac3bird. $ats and birds 9 the Dance of 4ife. Time hasstopped. 4ife has come to an end. #edtime. Instead I go up the lane.I am a prisoner of the hill% it has me in its power% closed in by whitewalls of unmoving mist that trap me silently in my own breath. Thespell is cast. )aybe I myself have cast it( 'e 3now not what we do.Thessaly rings to as3 after+am.


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2ou outa your mind0 "hen he put left foot into crack higher up, and pullsideways against with right hand. -ead say 2ou cra9y boy. I not botheringwith you. I going home.0 But Bun not thinking with head. -e 5ust move up clifflike sideways fly, pushing into crack with feet and pulling away sideways withhands like he go for a stroll. Mind gone home. -e not know how he do it.

At top of cliff he not able move. -e lie still all night. -e fro9en with fear. "hirddoor hut of ;anger. I think so Master.

"hen Moon come up. And Moon light his path. Because now he entering hutof =nderstanding.Bun love Moon. &hen she big and glossy he in love like stranded herring. Buthe notice she lose weight. %he get thinner and thinner until one night shegone, and he very sad. "hen after three days he see little pale straw in skyand he say &ho you0 And straw say I Moon boy.0 And Bun say 2ou noMoon. Moon big shining flower like %un.0 And straw say 2ou watch me boy. I

go get beautiful again. I still tired. I not well yet.0 %o Bun watching watchingand sure nough she get big and glossy again and Bun in love again and hesay -ow you come back I never saw you born.0 And Moon say 2ou gocount days from when I full. 2ou go measure me boy.0

%o Bun make round hole in leaf with acorn cup and look at full Moon throughhole and sure nough she e'act fit( And she say $ow I fit hole like mole intunnel. But soon I go get tired and I go get ill again, so then you count daysuntil I full.0 Bun worried in case she gone before he get back, he say -ow Ido that0 Moon look at him like he insect and say 2ou make notches on stickboy. -ow you think0%o Bun make notches on stick each night and he say $ow I know when yougo be full. But I still not know when you go die.0 Moon look at him like he liveunder stone and say Ever tried breaking stick in half boy0 %o he break stickin two. $ow he got half notches on one stick, half notches on other stick, andsure nough when half stick full she dead.

$ow is big time in Bun#s life. -e in hut of =nderstanding. -e break stick in halfagain and find out when she go be half full. -e happy as s+uirrel in nut treebecause he say $ow I know when this thing 43 happen, not 5ust when it-A>E happen. It look like this thing go do again do again for ever and ever

until Moon wore out for good.0And then he gasp. -e have BI4 idea and he say It look to me like everythinggo repeat itself, %un, Moon, honey!bee, blackberry, E>E72"-I$4. Andmaybe some aw MA8E it repeat itself and aw say to tree It go be cold inwinter, you let go your leaves so %un can get through to make Bun warm. Butit go be hot in summer so you go grow your leaves again to keep Bun shady.0And tree say -ow I go grow my leaves when they gone0 And this aw say2ou make little bud like I show you and you go get leaf for shade, and flowerfor Bun#s tea, and fruit for Bun to eat, and wood for he to notch stick and buildhut.0 And tree say I doing all this to make Bun happy0 And aw say It alsomake you happy because you beautiful and you en5oy being tree.0 And I see

that this aw got A things working this way. I not know what this aw is butI go call him AA$.0


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$ow I living only for aw of AA$. And I see Aan have four stages Bud,


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It feel like there two Buns. 3ne Bun want to stop now because scared. 3therBun e'cited and not able stop, so he pick up stone again and it hang likedead thing.2ou go help me with my studies0 It swing round +uick."hat meaning 2es0 and it go faster faster.

2ou come from Moon02es.02ou got some power02es.0Is good power0$o.0Is bad power02es.0"hat enough for me. I put down stone and leave cave. I go to fetch water fromriver. I shaking.

I not use stone again that day but go bathe in river, tidy cave, cook food as ifhe not there. But allatime allatime he watching me and Bun hands shakingand not thinking clearly. "he stone calling Bun come talk to me. I gote'citing thing to tell you.0And Bun not think of anything else.All night stone calling me 2ou want know who live in Moon &here %un goat night &here lightning hiding I tell you secrets of creation Bun.0And in morning I like bird with snake Master. I helpless. In trance I pick upstone again and for one month I dreaming like lost sheep. Ask +uestion ask+uestion like calf call for mother or baby cry for Moon. I talk to celestial friend,write answers on cave wall. I only surprised I not get recipe for honey!cake, Iget everything else.By end of month I mad. Mind full of oceans, winds, flashing lights, loudsucking and whooping noises. I laugh, I sing. I very clever fellow who go runworld, tell everyone how rainbow, where find gold, why pigs in bean!field. Ieat earth. I live in tree!top, throw acorns at deer. "hey very surprised becausenot know where coming from.At full Moon I start screaming. "errible weeping demons tear me apart.%obbing, shouting I lost( ost for ever(0 -owling in anguish. &ailing devilsthrashing in my body, throwing me on floor, hurt so much so much, tearsflowing flowing. I not know who I. Moon bouncing through trees. -elp me0 I

cry. -elp me I lost(0 But Moon only laugh and gallop through branches likemad auroch and I crawl round cave weeping.

"hen I see drawing of Aan on wall. And +uiet voice sayBe still. Is alright. $othing to fear of.0I sit and look at. %lowly I stop crying.I look at a long time, remember how aw of Aan work. -ow all thing born, allthing grow, all thing change through four stages and every stage have lesson.-ow everything have meaning. Everything slow. Everything +uiet. Everythingnatural.-ow I forget this

At last mind go calm. I take drawing!stick and draw great circle of Aan on floorwith four stages to make cross in middle. "hen I lying down with arms spread


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along lines of cross. %pirit stop whirling and go still. %lowly I coming back tome and filling with peace. I sleep.

After that I make clay disc with cross in circle to wear round neck. I not riskmadness again. But I come through fifth door Master. ;oor of Magic :ower.0

I open the desk drawer and take out ,auds !lay disk worn thin withage $ut still !learly marked with a !ross. I hold it a moment in mypalms and !lose my eyes. It is soothing and I &ind I am smiling. 'hatis all. (ut it is enough. I pla!e it on the desk in &ront o& me.

3ne thing Moonfruit show me Master. It not always go round in circle.%ometime it go side!to!side. ike it say 2es, $o, 2es, $o.0 "hen it come torest in middle like Maybe.0 It like :=%- and :=. aw of Aan say All :ushmust have :ull or thing dead. All 2es must have $o.0

But Moonfruit show me middle place where is no action. a9y place where noenergy. Is I$A/"I3$. Is %"I place where thing not dead but in point ofbalance, to understand he, to e'perience he.Moonfruit say Although all action have opposite action, all 2es have $o, allight have ;ark, all ove have -ate, A A/"I3$ A%3 -A>E %"I$E%%,not 4ood or Bad, not "rue or


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Midnight. /old. %pear in chest. /annot breathe. ;anger. %omething wrong.%erious and sad. "hirsty. /ave swimming and crashing in dark. I crawl towater!pot. 8nock over. %omeone crying. ery sad. &ant to cry but hurt too much . . /an not breathe . . .

$ight again. /annot move. ying in ship of pain drifting under Moon . . . -ot,hot . . furs . . heavy furs on me . . . and firelight. "oo hot . . throw off furs butthey come back . . . Bad grief on chest . . . dying . . . . bad dangerous pain . . .. going soon . . . soon over now . . . .

%unset. -ead forced up and nasty hot stuff ! 3&( ! poured into mouth . . .3&( 3&( $asty( 3&( Ahh the pain( . . . %ad. %o sad. . . . the need to cry . . .


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last trace of last hut and heart open now, helpless and trusting like flower insunshine. &hen I watch tribe again everything different. $ow they my family,make me smile, make me laugh. &alking back to cave slowly I say 4oodbyeto forest, to log where I break ankle. All these precious now.

All at once something happening. I seeing differently. I looking I$ things notA" things. I seeing idea of world, how he made. I see I$%I;E idea. &orldshow me how it work. It M=/- bigger and M=/- smaller than I thought."here is tiny idea made for ant. But also idea so big that whole world is likepebble on mountain. And big and small working together so is right for antand right for mountain. And all is moving inside and outside itself, dancing,never stop, never stop. Every bit need every other bit to working right. "heydancing to same music. And all is pulsing and surging inside stem, inside leaf,inside twig, inside reed, and never stop. $ever. Is mind of air singing, butI$%I;E music. ike chord played in air. Is world singing.

%uddenly I see is :E7


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Co*%r!+ht E. J. 5ard3 2=113 ;EMJ9=3 ?/IMEC@3

salvator mundi book three

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