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Peacemakingand

ConflictResolution2.0

P.O.Box739•Forest,VA24551•1-800-526-8673•www.AACC.net

PeacemakingandConflictResolution2.0

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Welcome to Light University and the “Peacemaking and Conflict Resolution 2.0” program ofstudy.Our prayer is that you will be blessed by your studies and increase your effectiveness inreaching out to others. We believe you will find this program to be academically sound,clinicallyexcellentandbiblically-based.Our faculty represents some of the best in their field – including professors, counselors andministers who provide students with current, practical instruction relevant to the needs oftoday’sgenerations.We have alsoworked hard to provide youwith a program that is convenient and flexible –givingyoutheadvantageof“classroominstruction”onlineandallowingyoutocompleteyourtrainingonyourowntimeandscheduleinthecomfortofyourhomeoroffice.Thetestmaterialcanbefoundatwww.lightuniversity.comandmaybetakenopenbook.Onceyouhavesuccessfullycompletedthetest,whichcoverstheunitswithinthiscourse,youwillbeawardedacertificateofcompletionsignifyingyouhavecompletedthisprogramofstudy.Thank you for your interest in this program of study. Our prayer is that you will grow inknowledge,discernment,andpeople-skillsthroughoutthiscourseofstudy.Sincerely,

RonHawkinsDean,LightUniversity


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TheAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors

• Represents the largestorganizedmembership (nearly50,000)ofChristian counselorsandcaregiversintheworld,havingjustcelebratedits25thanniversaryin2011.

• Known for its top-tier publications (Christian Counseling Today, the Christian CounselingConnectionandChristianCoachingToday),professionalcredentialingopportunitiesofferedthroughtheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC),excellenceinChristiancounselingeducation, an arrayof broad-based conferences and live training events, radioprograms,regulatoryandadvocacyeffortsonbehalfofChristianprofessionals,apeer-reviewedEthicsCode, and collaborative partnerships such as Compassion International, the NationalHispanic Christian Leadership Conference and Care Net (to name a few), the AACC hasbecomethefaceofChristiancounselingtoday.

• With the needed vision and practical support necessary, the AACC helped launch the

International Christian Coaching Association (ICCA) in 2011, which now represents thelargest Christian life coaching organization in the world with over 2,000 members andgrowing.

OurMission

The AACC is committed to assisting Christian counselors, the entire “community of care,”licensedprofessionals,pastors,and laychurchmemberswith littleorno formal training. It isourintentiontoequipclinical,pastoral,andlaycaregiverswithbiblicaltruthandpsychosocialinsights that minister to hurting persons and helps them move to personal wholeness,interpersonalcompetence,mentalstability,andspiritualmaturity.


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OurVision

TheAACC’svisionhastwocriticaldimensions:First,wedesiretoservetheworldwideChristianChurch by helping foster maturity in Christ. Secondly, we aim to serve, educate, and equip1,000,000 professional clinicians, pastoral counselors, and lay helpers throughout the nextdecade.WearecommittedtohelpingtheChurchequipGod’speopletoloveandcareforoneanother.We recognize Christian counseling as a unique form of Christian discipleship, assisting thechurch in its call to bring believers to maturity in the lifelong process of sanctification—ofgrowingtomaturityinChristandexperiencingabundantlife.Werecognizesomearegiftedtodosointhecontextofaclinical,professionaland/orpastoralmanner.Wealsobelieveselected laypeoplearecalledtocareforothersandthattheyneedtheappropriatetrainingandmentoringtodoso.WebelievetheroleofthehelpingministryintheChurchmustbesupportedbythreestrongcords:thepastor,thelayhelper,andtheclinicalprofessional.ItistothesethreerolesthattheAACCisdedicatedtoserve(Ephesians4:11-13).

OurCoreValues

InthenameofChrist,theAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselorsabidesbythefollowingvalues:

VALUE1:OURSOURCEWearecommittedtohonorJesusChristandglorifyGod,remainingflexibleandresponsivetotheHolySpiritinallthatHehascalledustobeanddo.VALUE2:OURSTRENGTHWearecommittedtobiblicaltruths,andtoclinicalexcellenceandunityinthedeliveryofallourresources,services,trainingandbenefits.VALUE3:OURSERVICEWeare committed toeffectivelyandcompetently serve the communityof careworldwide—bothourmembership and the churchat large—withexcellenceand timeliness, andbyover-deliveryonourpromises.VALUE4:OURSTAFFWearecommittedtovalueandinvestinourpeopleaspartnersinourmissiontohelpotherseffectivelyprovideChrist-centeredcounselingandsoulcareforhurtingpeople.VALUE5:OURSTEWARDSHIPWe are committed to profitably steward the resourcesGod gives to us in order to continueservingtheneedsofhurtingpeople.


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LightUniversity• Establishedin1999undertheleadershipofDr.TimClinton—hasnowseennearly200,000

students from around the world (including lay caregivers, pastors and chaplains, crisisresponders,lifecoaches,andlicensedmentalhealthpractitioners)enrollincoursesthataredelivered via multiple formats (live conference and webinar presentations, video-basedcertificationtraining,andastate-of-theartonlinedistanceteachingplatform).

• Thesepresentations,courses,andcertificateanddiplomaprograms,offeroneofthemostcomprehensive orientations to Christian counseling anywhere. The strength of LightUniversity is partially determined by its world-class faculty—over 150 of the leadingChristianeducators,authors,mentalhealthcliniciansandlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates. This core groupof facultymembers represents a literal “Who’sWho” inChristiancounseling. No other university in the world has pulled together such a diverse andcomprehensivegroupofprofessionals.

• Educational and training materials cover over 40 relevant core areas in Christian—

counseling, lifecoaching,mediation,andcrisis response—equippingcompetentcaregiversand ministry leaders who are making a difference in their churches, communities, andorganizations.

OurMissionStatement

TotrainonemillionBiblicalCounselors,ChristianLifeCoaches,andChristianCrisisRespondersbyeducating,equipping,andservingtoday’sChristianleaders.

AcademicallySound•ClinicallyExcellent•DistinctivelyChristian


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Video-basedCurriculum

• UtilizesDVDpresentations that incorporateover 150 of the leading Christian educators,authors,mentalhealthclinicians,andlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates.

• Eachpresentationisapproximately50-60minutesinlengthandmostareaccompaniedbyacorrespondingtext(inoutlineformat)anda10-questionexaminationtomeasurelearningoutcomes.Therearenearly1,000uniquepresentationsthatareavailableandorganizedinvariouscourseofferings.

• Learning is self-directed and pacing is determined according to the individual time

parameters/scheduleofeachparticipant.• With the successful completion of each program course, participants receive an official

Certificate of Completion. In addition to the normal Certificate of Completion that eachparticipant receives, Regular and Advanced Diplomas in Biblical Counseling are alsoavailable.

! TheRegularDiploma isawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFreeandoneadditionalElectiveamongtheavailableCoreCourses.

! TheAdvancedDiplomaisawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFree,andanythreeElectivesamongtheavailableCoreCourses.

Credentialing

• LightUniversitycourses,programs,certificatesanddiplomasarerecognizedandendorsedbytheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC)anditsthreeaffiliateBoards:theBoardofChristianProfessional&PastoralCounselors(BCPPC);theBoardofChristianLifeCoaching(BCLC);andtheBoardofChristianCrisis&TraumaResponse(BCCTR).

• Credentialing is a separateprocess from certificate or diploma completion.However, theIBCC accepts Light University and Light University Online programs as meeting theacademic requirements for credentialing purposes. Graduates are eligible to apply forcredentialinginmostcases.

! Credentialinginvolvesanapplication,attestation,andpersonalreferences.

! CredentialrenewalsincludeContinuingEducationrequirements,re-attestation,andoccureitherannuallyorbienniallydependingonthespecificBoard.


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OnlineTesting

TheURLfortakingallquizzesforthiscourseis:http://www.lightuniversity.com/my-account/.

• TOLOGINTOYOURACCOUNT

! You should have received an email upon checkout that included your username,password,andalinktologintoyouraccountonline.

• MYDASHBOARDPAGE

! Once registered, youwill see theMyDVD Course Dashboard link by placing yourmousepointerovertheMyAccountmenuinthetopbarofthewebsite.Thispagewill includestudentPROFILE informationand theREGISTEREDCOURSES forwhichyouareregistered.TheLOG-OUTandMYDASHBOARDtabswillbeinthetoprightofeachscreen.Clickingonthe>nexttothecoursewilltakeyoutothecoursepagecontainingthequizzes.

• QUIZZES

! Simplyclickonthefirstquiztobegin.• PRINTCERTIFICATE

Afterallquizzesaresuccessfullycompleted,a“PrintYourCertificate”buttonwillappearnearthetopofthecoursepage.YouwillnowbeabletoprintoutaCertificateofCompletion.Yournameandthecourseinformationarepre-populated.ContinuingEducationThe AACC is approved by the American Psychological Association (APA) to offer continuingeducationforpsychologists.TheAACCisaco-sponsorofthistrainingcurriculumandaNationalBoard of Certified Counselors (NBCC)ApprovedContinuing Education Provider (ACEPTM). TheAACC may award NBCC approved clock hours for events or programs that meet NBCCrequirements.TheAACCmaintainsresponsibilityforthecontentofthistrainingcurriculum.TheAACCalsoofferscontinuingeducationcreditforplaytherapiststhroughtheAssociationforPlayTherapy (APT Approved Provider #14-373), so long as the training element is specificallyapplicabletothepracticeofplaytherapy.It remains the responsibility of each individual to be aware of his/her state licensure andContinuing Education requirements. A letter certifying participation will be mailed to thoseindividuals who submit a Continuing Education request and have successfully completed allcourserequirements.


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Presentersfor

Peacemakingand

ConflictResolution2.0


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PresenterBiographiesGaryChapman,Ph.D.,seekstofulfillhiscalltotheministryasapastor,speaker,andauthor.Hespeaksextensively throughout theUnitedStatesand internationallyonmarriage, family, andrelationships.ThegovernmentofSingaporeinvitedhimtopresenthismarriageseminarthereandtheChaplain’sOfficeofNATOissuedaspecial invitationforDr.ChapmantospeaktotheNATOforcesinGermany.OtherengagementshavetakenhimtoEngland,Africa,SaudiArabia,Turkey,Mexico andHongKong. Sales exceeding fivemillion copies earnedhim thePlatinumBookAwardfromtheEvangelicalPublishersAssociationforTheFiveLoveLanguages,whichhasbeentranslatedintooverthirty-sixlanguages.Twenty-sevenotherbooksandfivevideoseriesarealsoamonghispublications.Onthehomefront,Dr.ChapmanisSeniorAssociatePastorofCalvaryBaptistChurch inWinston-Salem,NorthCarolina.Heandhiswife,Karolyn,have twoadultchildrenandtwograndchildren.Everett Worthington, Jr., Ph.D., is a Clinical Psychologist and Professor and Chair of theDepartment of Psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, where he has been on thefacultysince1978.Hehaspublished17booksandover150articlesandscholarlychaptersonforgiveness,marriage,andfamilytopics.Hedirects“ACampaignforForgivenessResearch”andisthefoundingeditorofMarriageandFamily:AChristianJournal.HehasspokeninternationallyatconferencesanduniversitiesinBrazil,SouthAfrica,thePhilippines,Malaysia,Singapore,andCanada.EricScalise,Ph.D.,LPC,LMFT,istheformerVicePresidentforProfessionalDevelopmentwiththe American Association of Christian Counselors, as well as a current consultant and theirSenior Editor. He is also the President of LIV Enterprises & Consulting, LLC, and a LicensedProfessionalCounselorandLicensedMarriage&FamilyTherapistwithmorethan35yearsofclinical and professional experience in the mental health field. Specialty areas includeprofessional/pastoralstressandburnout,combattraumaandPTSD,marriageandfamilyissues,leadershipdevelopment,addictions,andlaycounselortraining.Heisanauthor,anationalandinternational conference speaker, and frequently consults with organizations, clinicians,ministryleaders,andchurchesonavarietyofissues.


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TableofContents:PCR101:TheFiveLanguagesofApology:Regret,Responsibility,Restitution,RepentanceandRequesting...........................................................................................................................11GaryChapman,Ph.D.PCR102:ForgivenessandPeacemaking:WhatitIsandIsn’t.................................................20EverettWorthington,Jr.,Ph.D.PCR103:CommunicationSkillsforDomesticConflictandConflictTransformationHowTo’s......................................................................................................................................32EricScalise,Ph.D.


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PCR101:

TheFiveLanguagesofApology:

Regret,Responsibility,Restitution

RepentanceandRequesting

GaryChapman,Ph.D.


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AbstractImportant in building positive, healthy relationships, is the ability to apologize and forgive

another’s faults. Apologizing is an important biblical concept, but many times, people are

learninghowto(orhownotto)apologizefromparentalmodeling.Dr.Chapmanintroduces5

languages of apology: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution,

repentance,andrequestingforgiveness.Everyindividualacceptsapologiesandgivesapologies

withintheirapologylanguage.Whensomeonehascommittedwrongagainstusandapologizes,

weacceptanapologybasedonourjudgmentoftheirsincerity.One’sjudgmentofsincerityis

reflectedintheirlanguageofapology.Onecanlearnaperson’sprimarylanguageofapologyby

asking simple questions. Learning the languages of apology enables one to be able to

understand and accept apologies from others even when they are not in their primary

language,butitalsohelpsonetoknowhowtobetterapologizetoothers.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswillbeabletoidentifythefivelanguagesofapology.

2. ParticipantswillexploretheimportanceofapologyasnotedinScripture.

3. Participants will study the influences of apologizing and how to effectively identify

someoneelse’sprimarylanguageofapology.


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I. EssentialstoPositive,HealthyRelationships

A. Characteristics

1. Individualsintherelationshipfeellovedandappreciated.

2. Individualshavetodealeffectivelywiththeirfailures.

B. TheReality

1. Nooneisperfect.

2. Ifpeopledonotdealwiththefailures,resultinginanemotionalbarrierofhurt.

• Apologizing

• Forgiving

II. Apologizing

A. TheBibleisVeryPositiveRegardingtheIssueofApologizing

“Hewhoconcealshistransgressionswillnotprosper,buthewhoconfessesandforsakes

themwillfindcompassion.”—Proverbs28:13

“Butyour iniquitieshavemadeaseparationbetweenyouandyourGod,andyoursins

havehiddenHisfacefromyousothatHedoesnothear.”—Isaiah59:2

“Thereforeifyouarepresentingyourofferingatthealtar,andthererememberthatyour

brotherhas somethingagainst you, leave youroffering therebefore thealtarandgo;

firstbereconciledtoyourbrother,andthencomeandpresentyouroffering.”

—Matthew5:23-24


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B. LearningtoApologize

1. Typically,we learn toapologize fromourparents (or someonewhoservedasour

parents).

2. Peoplelearndifferentstylesofapology/non-apologyfromparents.

• Researchshowsthatabout10%of thepopulationalmostneverapologizes,

mostofthesearemenandtheylearnedthisfromtheirfathers.

III. FiveLanguagesofApology

A. ExpressingRegret

1. Expressingregretisoftenwiththewords,“I’msorry.”

• Emotionalapology

• Biblicalexample:TheProdigalSon(Luke15:21)

• Communicatesthatyoufeelbadlyaboutyourbehavior

2. Never use the words “I’m sorry” alone. Always tell the person that you are

apologizingtowhyyouaresorry.

B. AcceptingResponsibility

1. Acceptingresponsibilityissayingthatyouwerewrongandnotblaminganyoneelse.

2. Biblicalexample:TheProdigalSon(Luke15:21).

“AgainstYou,Youonly,IhavesinnedanddonewhatisevilinYoursight,sothatYou

arejustifiedwhenYouspeakandblamelesswhenYoujudge.”—Psalm51:4

“It we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to

cleanseusfromallunrighteousness.”—1John1:9


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3. Somepeoplehavedifficultyadmitting that theyarewrong.Particularly thosewho

are from a homewhere the parents always told themwhat they didwrong, and

seldom what they did right, and they grew up with the belief that if they ever

becomeanadult,theywouldneverbewrongagain.

C. MakingRestitution

1. Makingrestitutionisaddressingwhatcanbedonetomakeitright.

2. Biblicalexample:Zaccheaus(Luke19:8).

3. There is a correlation between one’s love language and language of apology. For

thosewhoselanguageofapologyismakingrestitution,theiranswerto,“Whatcan

bedonetomakethisright?”willlikelybeinkeepingwiththeirlovelanguage.

4. How a language of apology speaks to a person depends on the nature of the

offense.

• Forsmalloffenses,asimple,“I’msorry”usuallyworks.

• Forhugeoffenses,morethanonelanguageofapologywillbenecessary.

D. GenuinelyRepenting

1. Genuinelyrepentingisexpressingthedesiretochangeyourbehavior.

“FromthattimeJesusbegantopreachandsay,‘Repent,forthekingdomofheaven

isathand.’”—Matthew4:17

“Petersaidtothem,‘Repent,andeachofyoubebaptizedinthenameofJesusChrist

for the forgivenessof your sins;andyouwill receive thegiftof theHolySpirit.’”—

Acts2:38


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2. Biblicalexample:theNewTestament,inparticulartheBookofActs.

3. AsChristians,wearecalledtorepentofsin.

4. Repentmeanstoturnaround.

E. RequestingForgiveness

1. Requestingforgivenessisrequestingthatthepersonforgivesyou.

2. Forsomepeople,ifyouhavenotrequestedforgiveness,youhavenotapologized.

3. Biblicalexample:David(Psalm51).

• Blotoutmytransgressions

• Washawayallmyiniquity

• Cleansemefrommysin

IV. Sincerity

A. WhattoLookFor

1. Whensomeonehaswrongedus,andhe/sheapologizes,wewanttoknowifhe/she

issincere.

2. Aretheysincereoraretheytryingtowhitewashthis?

B. SincerityandtheApologyLanguage

1. Thejudgmentofsincerityisbasedonwhetherornotthepersonisapologizinginour

apologylanguage.

2. IfthepersonisnotusingourLanguage,wejudgetheirapologyasinsincere.


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V. PrimaryApologyLanguage

A. TwoWaystheApologyLanguageHelps

1. Eachofushasaprimaryapologylanguage,whichwillhelpusintwoways.

2. Thefirstwayiscloserelationships.

• Knowing the Languages of Apology helps us to apologize in ways that are

meaningfultoourspouse,parents,friends,etc.

• Even if a person is apologizing in a Language that is not our own,we can

acknowledge that they are using at least one of the Languages of Apology

and can then give them credit for it by accepting their apology, and thus

forgivingthemmorereadily.

3. Thesecondwayisintheworkplaceandmedicalfield.

B. SomeDoNotSpeakaLanguageofApology

1. Therearepeoplewhodonotspeakanyofthefivelanguagesofapology.

2. Simplysaying,“Ioweyouanapology,”isnotapologizing.

3. The reality is, you either choose to forgive people or you choose to hold their

wrongsagainstthem.

4. Youcannotforcesomeonetoforgiveyou.

• Forgivenessisagift

5. Youwillnothavelong-term,positiverelationshipsifyoudonotchoosetoapologize

andifyoudonotchoosetoforgive.


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VI. LearningaPerson’sPrimaryApologyLanguage

A. AskQuestions

1. “Whenyouapologize,whatdoyoutypicallysayordo?”

2. “Whensomeoneapologizestoyou,whatdoyouwanttohearthemsayordo?”

3. “Whathurtsyoumostaboutthissituation?”

• Helpfulifpersonhasbeenoffended

• Helpfulifanapologyhasbeenmade,butitdidnotseemsincere

• If a person can tell youwhat hurts themmost about a situation, they are

tellingyouwhattheirprimaryapologylanguageis.

B. HealingthroughApology

1. Manyrelationshipsthathavebeenfracturedforyearscouldberestoredifsomeone

wouldtaketheinitiativetoapologize.

2. Thepowerofanapologytohealbrokenrelationshipscannotbeunderestimated.

3. It’sessentialthatwelearntoapologizeandforgive.

4. Forgiveness does not erase the consequences, but it opens the opportunity of a

betterrelationshipinthefuture.

5. Thememoriesofthewrongdoingwillcomeback.TakethesememoriestoGodand

askforHishelpindealingwiththem.


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VII. Resource

Gary D. Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas, The Five Languages of Apology: How toExperienceHealingInAllYourRelationships(Chicago,IL:NorthfieldPublishing,2008).


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PCR102:

ForgivenessandPeacemaking:

WhatitIsandIsn’t

EverettWorthington,Jr.,Ph.D.


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AbstractIn this course,Dr.Worthingtonaddresses the issueof forgiveness. Forgiveness is a scriptural

mandate.However,sometimes intheheatofconflictanddisagreement,whenmediationhas

notyetbeenbroached,forgivenessisnotevenconsidered.Problemsinforgivingarisebecause

peopledonotunderstandwhatforgivenessis,howtodifferentiateitfromreconciliation,how

to forgive, and how to reconcile. Further, forgiveness can have serious consequences

concerning one’s physical,mental, relational, and spiritualwellbeing. This videowill propose

certainstepsonhowtoforgiveself,others,andachievereconciliation.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswillbeabletodefinethetwotypesofforgiveness.

2. Participantswillstudytheconsequencesofunforgiveness.

3. Participantswillexplorethedifferentstepsofforgivenessandreconciliation.


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I. WhatisMediation?

A. Definition

1. Inmediation,athirdpartyisinvolvedwithtwoconflictedparties,ineitheranofficial

oranunofficialcapacity,tohelpthemafairsettlementoftheirconflicts.

2. Mediationoccursinmanysettings.

B. Settings

1. Societal:

• Beforeviolenceeruptsinasociety

• Duringviolence

• Afterviolence

2. Mediationmightbeabroker.

• TrackIDiplomacy:thingsthataredoneofficiallytotrytoendconflicts

• TrackIIDiplomacy:gettingpeoplefromoppositesidestogetherandhelping

themunderstandeachother

• TrackIIIDiplomacy:leaderhelpspeopleforgiveanddevelopattitudesthat

makethemwanttoreconcile

3. Social:

• Legalmediationinbusinessnegotiationsinwhichsomepartyfeelswronged

• Informalmediationbetweenconflictedparties(friends,churchdisputes,

etc.)

C. MediationCanBeFormalorInformal

1. Formalmediation:


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• ThepartiesagreeonwhotheMediatorwillbe

• Thepartiesagreeonthesetting

• Thepartiesagreeontheobjectives

• ThepartiesmaybeboundtothedecisionthattheMediatorhelpsthem

arriveatorhastodecideforthem

2. Informalmediation:

• Thepartiesmaynotcommittothesolution

• Thepartiesmaynotcontinuetobeinvolvedinmediation

• Trustisessentialininformalmediation

II. WhataretheRolesofForgivenessinMediation?

A. NotaboutForgiveness

1. Mediationisnotaboutforgiveness;itisaboutjusticeandnegotiatingjust

agreementsbetweenpeople.

• Justsettlementsprevail

• Fairprocessesareused

2. Goodrelations—oratleastgoodworkingrelations—arere-established,andpositive

futuresaremadepossible

B. HelpingMediation

1. Forgivenesscanhelpinnegotiation.

2. Forgivenessmaybeadesireoftheparties.


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3. ForgivenessmaybeadesireoftheMediator.

III. Injustice

A. Mediation

1. Mediationusuallybeginsbecauseatleastonepartythinksaseriousinjusticeor

manyinjusticeshavehappened.

2. Injustice:Aneventthathappensthatsuggestssomethingisnotfair.

B. InjusticeGap

1. Immediately,onepersonmightstartcalculatingan“injusticegap.”

2. Aninjusticegapisthedifferencebetweenthewayonewouldliketoseeanissue

resolvedandthewaythathe/shecurrentlyseesit.

• Iftheinjusticehappensagain,thegapwidens.

• Ifsomeoneapologizes,showsrestitution,orregretthegapnarrows.

3. Thesizeofaninjusticegapisproportionaltothedifficultyitistoforgivethe

injustice.

C. ScripturalWaystoDealwithInjustice

1. Getjusticeorseejusticedone

2. Forbearance:

• Notshowinganyreaction,disapproval,anger,ornegativeemotionsforthe

goodofthegroup.


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3. TurnthematterovertoGod

• Divinevindicationappealingtojustice

• LettingitbeGod’sissue

4. Accept

5. Forgive

IV. Forgiveness

A. TwoTypesofForgiveness

1. DecisionalForgiveness:makingadecisionabouthowyouintendtobehavetoward

thepersonthathurtyouinthefuture

• Behavioralintentionstatement

• Notamotivation

• Decisionalforgivenessisnotabehavior.Itisanintention.

2. EmotionalForgiveness:theemotionalreplacementofnegativeunforgiving

emotionswithpositiveother-orientedemotions.Emotionalforgivenessinvolves

neutralizingnegativityinone’sfeelings.

B. DecisionalForgivenessisrequiredbyGod

“Andforgiveusourdebts,aswealsohaveforgivenourdebtors.”—Matthew6:12

“Forifyouforgiveothersfortheirtransgressions,yourheavenlyFatherwillalsoforgive

you.”—Matthew6:14


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1. Goddoesnotrequirethatwechangeouremotions.Goddesiresthatwe

emotionallyforgiveandhavepeace,butthisisnotalwayspossible.

2. Forgivenesshappensindividually,itdoesnothappenbetweenpeople.

• Forgivenessisadecisionoranemotionalchange.

• Justtellingsomeoneyouforgivethemisnotforgiveness.

V. TheBenefitsofForgiveness

A. PhysicalHealth

1. Physicalhealthrisksareminimizedifweforgive.

2. Holdingontounforgivenessaffectsthecardiovascularsystem.Thisleadsto

increasedrisksfor:

• Stroke

• Hypertension

• Cardiacproblems

• Heartattacks

3. Holdingontounforgivenessderegulatesourimmunesystem.

• Cellularlevel(whitebloodcells)

• Macrolevel

4. Unforgivenesscancausetheoverproductionofcortisolhormone.Longtermchronic

stresswithincreasedlevelsofcortisol:

• Shrinksthebrain

• Disruptssexualfunctioning

• Causesdigestionproblems

• Causessleepproblems

• Causescardiovascularproblems


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B. MentalHealth

1. Mentalhealthrisksarereducedthroughthereductionofrumination.

2. Ruminationiswhenwereplaysomethingagainandagaininthemind(usually

negativethoughts).Ruminationisrelatedto:

• Depression

• Angerdisorders

• Anxietydisorders

• Obsessivecompulsivedisorders

• Post-traumaticstressdisorders

• Psychosomaticdisorders

C. Relationships

1. Relationshipsaremadebetterthroughforgiveness.

2. Decisionstoforgive,whichchangetheintenttobehavepoorlytowardtheperson,

permitmorecompromiseandmoreabilitytoseetheotherperson’svantagepoint.

3. Emotionalforgivenessreduceshealthrisksandemotionalarousal,thusreducing

rumination.

D. Spiritual

1. Spiritualrelationshipsareenhancedbecauseofforgiveness.

2. Scripturedirectsforgiveness.Jesuscommandsustoforgive(Matthew6:12,14-15).


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3. Wecanblesssomeonewhohashurtus.Byforgiving,wealsohavetheabilityto

loosesomeonefromthechainsofcondemnationthatbindthem.

“TrulyIsaytoyou,whateveryoubindonearthshallhavebeenboundinheaven;and

whateveryoulooseonearthshallbeloosedinheaven.”—Matthew18:18

VI. Self-Condemnation

A. DoingSomethingWrong

B. NotLivingUptoExpectations

VII. HowtoForgive

A. ForgivingOthers

1. Makeadecision.

• Makethedecisiontoforgive

• Makethedecisiontochangeyourbehavior

• Makethedecisiontonottakerevenge

• Makethedecisiontotreattheotherpersonasvaluable

• Adecisioncanbemadequickly

2. EmotionallyREACHForgiveness:

• Recallthehurt

• Emotionallyreplacenegativitywithpositiveother-orientedfeelings(may

involveempathy,sympathy,compassion,orlove)

• Altruisticgiftofforgiveness


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• Committotheforgivenessyouexperience

• Holdontoforgivenesswhenyoudoubtyouhaveforgiven

B. ForgivingOneself

1. ReceiveGod’sForgiveness.

• Thisdoesnotmakethingsperfectrightaway.

• Example:David(Psalm51)

2. Repentandrepairrelationships

3. Recognizeandreplaceunrealisticexpectations.

4. Reducerumination.

5. REACHemotionalself-forgiveness.

6. Realizeself-acceptanceasonewhoisflawedbutprecious.

7. Resolvetolivevirtuouslywithroomtofail.

VIII. Reconciliation

A. Components

1. Reconciliationisaboutrestoringtrustinarelationshipwhenithasbeendamaged.

2. Reconciliationrequiresthatpeoplebetrustworthy.


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B. StepstoReconcile

1. Step1:thedecisiontoreconcile.

• ThismaybeaidedbyaMediator

2. Step2:discussthetransgression.

• Discussthisisastraightforwardway.

• Thismayinvolveconfessionandapology.

3. Step3:detoxification.

• Anattitudeoflatitude

• Givingthebenefitofdoubt

• Anattitudeofgratitude

4. Step4:builddevotionbackintotherelationship.

IX. Conclusion

A. ThereareDifferentTypesofForgiveness

1. ForgivenessisDecisional.

2. ForgivenessisEmotional.

B. UnforgivenessHasConsequences

1. Theconsequencesofunforgivenessare:

• Physical

• Mental

• Relational

• Spiritual


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2. Decisionalandemotionalforgivenessalsohaveconsequences.

C. ThereareFiveStepstoREACHForgiveness

1. Recallthehurt.

2. Emotionallyreplacenegativitywithpositiveother-orientedfeelings(mayinvolve

empathy,sympathy,compassion,orlove).

3. Giveanaltruisticgiftofforgiveness.

4. Committotheforgivenessyouexperience.

5. Holdontoforgivenesswhenyoudoubtyou’veforgiven.

D. YouCanForgiveYourself

E. WeCanReconcilewithOthersThroughTrustworthyBehaviors


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PCR103:

CommunicationSkillsfor

DomesticConflictandConflict

TransformationHowTo’s

EricScalise,Ph.D.


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AbstractConflictisinevitable.FortheMediator,itisessentialtolearnhowtoapproachconflictwell.In

this session, Dr. Scalise discusses the core principles of conflict resolution and teaches

Mediators how to most effectively handle conflict with clients and in their personal lives.

Through addressing issues of assumptions, expectations, and defensiveness, he also teaches

participantstonavigatethedifficultiesthatariseinconflict.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswill explore ten core principles for conflict resolution andwill be able to

applythemtothemediationprocesses.

2. Participantswillstudyhowtocommunicateeffectivelyinrelationshipwithothers.

3. Participants will be able to identify the difference between expectations and

assumptionsandhowtheseareevidentinthepartiestheyworkwith.


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I. Introduction

A. Mediation

1. Totalavoidanceofallconflictisnotnecessarilythegoal.

2. Theissueandthegoalaretogothroughtheconflictinsuchawaythatbothparties

feelthattheyhaveawinoutofthemediation.

B. Mediators

1. Mediatorscannotmakethedecisionsforthosetheyareworkingwith.

2. Pre-rule: It helps if, beforemediation starts, theparties agree to follow the same

rules.

3. Mediatorsshouldconsiderhavingonesessionforwhichtodiscussgroundruleswith

thecouple.

II. TenCorePrinciplesofConflictResolution

A. Rule#1

1. I will communicate my expectations and not take it for granted that the other

personautomaticallyunderstandswhatIwantorneed.

• Anexpectationisawayofsayingwhatapersonwantsorneeds.

! Often,expectationscomeacrossasdemands.

! Whenthisisthecase,theimplicationisthatthereisnonegotiation.

“The tongue of thewisemakes knowledge acceptable, but themouth of fools

spoutsfolly.”—Proverbs15:2


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• Itisnotenoughtohavetherightanswer.

• The focusshouldnotbeonhowtheprocess isgoing.The focus should be

theissues.

• Youcannotextinguishanyproblemuntilyoucanfirstdistinguishit.

B. Rule#2

1. I will verify my assumptions to make sure that I have accurate information and

feedback.

• Anassumptionisoftenaperson’sinterpretationofwhatisgoingon.

• Assumptionsmaynotalwaysbeaccurate.

• Communicationiscomplex.

! Verbalcommunicationisabout7%ofallthatisbeingcommunicated.

! Nonverbal communication is about 55% of all that is being

communicated.

! Toneofvoiceaccountsfor38%ofallthatisbeingcommunicated.

C. Rule#3

1. I will strive toward understanding the other person’s thoughts and feelings on a

matter,withoutcriticism,beforeattemptingtonegotiateormakeacompromise.

• Themoreaccuratetheinformation,themorebalancedthedecisions.

• Don’tforcetheotherpartyintobecomingamind-reader.

• Understandingisnotagreement.

• Often,twopositionsoverlapsome.

! Thejobofmediationistofindthisoverlapandagreetoliveinit.

• Theissueiswhetherornotprinciplesorpreferencesarebeingaddressed.


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D. Rule#4

1. Iwillfocusonresolvingtheissuesandnotattempttomaketheotherpartyorour

relationshiptheproblem.

• Defensiveness isagreat indicator thatsomeone is feelingblamedandthat

theprocesshasgottenofftrack.

E. Rule#5

1. I will give myself and the other party permission to take a timeout from the

discussionwhenitisrequestedaslongasIgiveaspecifictimeframeinwhichwewill

resumemediationandproblemsolving.

• Whoevercallsthetimeoutmustcallthetime-in.

F. Rule#6

1. Iwillacceptaneutralplace,time,andenvironmenttodiscusstheseissuesthatare

mutuallysatisfactoryanddonotgiveonepersonanadvantageovertheother.

• Theprocessshouldfeelsafe,fair,andbalanced.

• Thepartiesshouldavoidtriangulation.

! Triangulation:whenonepartybeginstopull inotherpartiestosupport

his/herposition.

G. Rule#7

1. I will take ownership of and be completely responsible for my own feelings,

thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors without playing detective or blaming the

otherperson.

• Ifyoucangeteachpartytotakeownership,theywilltendtotakebettercare

ofthatwhichbelongstothem.


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• “Accountability is the breakfast of champions. Unfortunately, too many

peopleskipthemostimportantmealoftheday.”

H. Rule#8

1. Iwillberesponsiveandnot reactivewhendiscussing issuesor receiving feedback

aboutmybehaviorordecisions.

• Areactionisexplosiveandemotional.

• Aresponseismoremeasuredandthoughtout.

• Thereisaneedforself-awareness.

! Allrelationshipshavesomeinherentrisks.

I. Rule#9

1. I will not attempt to control the other partywith undue criticism, sarcasm, rage,

threats,manipulation,shame,jealousy,orsilence.

• Controlisoftenasurvivaltoolthatpeoplepickup.

• Often,thewaypeopletrytomaintaincontrolisnotveryhealthy.

J. Rule#10

1. Iwill actively seek forgiveness from theotherpartywhen I amawareofmyown

wrongdoingandIwillextendforgivenesswhenitisaskedfor.

• Reconciliationandforgivenessaretwodifferentprocesses.


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Copyright2016LightUniversity

AllRightsReserved.

Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanyformwithouttheexpressedwritten

permissionofLightUniversityortheAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors.

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