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Morbidman Meets His

Maker

by John Cosper and Susan Donen

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Dedication

To my fellow cast and crew mates from Joseph 1999… the Internet flamers who shut

down email boxes at Juno and Hotmail with thousands of pointless, stupid emails that

made no sense and yet had us all rolling on the floor of our cubicles in laughter.

The world may never know the debt owed to you for the many valiant battles you fought

to keep the world free of aliens, Stepford couples, and evil little theaters.

This copy printed

In Memory ofRenee Amaryah Lalani DueckMarch 18, 1984 – February 26, 2008

“Jack”

in performance with “The Bards of Now”

directed by

Mark & Jobina Westman

2002

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Morbidman Meets His MakerBy John Cosper and Susan Donen

THE SETTING

Terminus City Terminus City is a bustling metropolis with a highly prestigiousuniversity at its core. Regarded widely as a city of great thinkersand philosophers, terminus City is also home to the Triumvirate,and inept group of super heroes; the Supreme Diva, the world’sonly true super hero; and Dr. Insidious, an evil mastermind.

THE CHARACTERS

Morbidman A deeply disturbed hero in the tradition of Batman. His real nameis Scott Brooder, the famous billionaire bachelor andphilanthropist. Seems every day of his life has been worse than theday before, making every day he lives the worst day of his life. Hehas seen his parents, his dog, his cat, his gerbil, his faithful butler,his three girlfriends, and the President of Pottsylvania murdered.Nothing ever goes right for him. He dons a super hero’s outfitdecked with super utensils (that rarely work) in an effort to makethe world a better place. He is generally considered to be a joke bythe populace, kind of the Ed McMahon to the Supreme Diva'sJohnny Carson. He is the founder of the Triumvirate.

Everyman A clueless, misguided, but well-intentioned accountant named PaulSchwartz puts on a suit, tie, and mask to become Everyman, thehero of the people. Paul has long been a fan of super heroes likeBatman, Superman, Spiderman, etc. Not being blessed with superpowers, he fights with fists, ballpoint pens, and a briefcase. He'snot a very good super hero, and he usually gets his butt kicked. Ona more positive note, Everyman IS more intelligent thanMorbidman, at least according to the Mensa testing. Secondmember of the Triumvirate.

Master of the No one knows where he came from or his full real name (his firstObvious name is Ed), but this hero has the most useless “power” of them

all. He observes and points out things that are, naturally, obvious toanyone with half a brain. Some believe this power came to himwhen a meteor crashed outside of town three years ago. The manbehind the mask must have been in the vicinity and picked upsome super powers. Others think he’s a hack, wanna-be hero.Third member of the Triumvirate.

The Supreme Diva The only real super hero on the side of good, the Supreme Diva isan A+ honors student named Christina Darling. She is a star

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volleyball and softball player, a cheerleader, a star in schooltheater, a violin player, president of Student Council, SADD, andNational Honors Society, and the homecoming queen. She wasabducted by a UFO after being crowned homecoming queen andgiven super powers by the ancient astronauts who built thepyramids. Her powers include the following: flying, laser beameyes, bulletproof skin, super strength, and the ability to shootlightning from her fingers. The guys in the Triumvirate hate her.

Dr. Insidious Dr. Don Insidious (who holds doctorates in zoology, archaeology,and Phys. Ed.) is the bane of Terminus City. He blames ScottBrooder (who he knows is Morbidman) for his fall from grace. Dr.Insidious wrote and presented a paper at the university about a newform of study that could be used to predict and guide the future,psychohistory. But Scott was quick to point out that this “new”theory was a fictional science created by Isaac Asimov in theFoundation books. Dr. Insidious went mad, and ran over Scott’sdog with his car. Discovering Scott’s duality as Morbidman, hedecided to become Morbidman’s archenemy.

Mrs. Insidious Kathy Insidious is Dr. Insidious’ June Cleaver-like wife. A sweet,kindly woman without an ounce of evil in her body, she fell in lovewith Dr. Insidious when taken captive during one of his earliestcapers, the hijacking of an ice cream truck. He went to prison, butshe wrote to him and visited him. Upon breaking out of jail, Dr.Insidious went to see Kathy and ask for her hand in marriage. Theywere married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. After theceremony, Dr. Insidious killed the Elvis impersonator and robbedthe Mirage. She loves to cook, and Dr. Insidious’ interns live forher never-fail chocolate cookies.

Jack and Lenny Jack and Lenny are interns brought on by Dr. Insidious to learn thebusiness of being evil. Dr. Insidious used to hire henchmen, but heexperienced numerous problems when the henchmen unionized.They demanded breaks that they stuck to even when engaged inbattles. They demanded health care and other benefits, includingprofit sharing. Dr. Insidious fired all his workers and began to takeon interns from the local University’s business school. Lenny is amarketing major. He is eager and enthusiastic about the internship,but also scatterbrained and naive. Jack is a business managementmajor. At first glance, he seems pretty much the same simple-minded blockhead Lenny is, but is more than half-intelligent, kindof like blonde that worked for Robert Vaughn in Superman III.

Scorn A third party in the super hero/ villain wars, Scorn hates bothMorbidman and Dr. Insidious. Once upon a time she was a sweet

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girl named Andrea Dove. Scott met Andrea at five-star restaurantwhere she worked as a waitress. He invited her to a ball thatweekend, and left her $5000 to buy a dress and fix herself up forthe event. She did, and she looked radiant. But Dr. Insidious got toher apartment first and blew it up, sending Andrea flying into thestreets. Charred and badly hurt, she could not move when Scottarrived. He assumed she was dead and swore to avenge herdeath… running off and leaving her as he went to the ball withouther. So Andrea became Scorn, and vowed revenge against bothMorbidman and Dr. Insidious.

Annette Annette is a former child TV star. She grew up, and never lost hersqueaky baby voice, and was thrown out by the entertainmentindustry. She works now as a cashier at Kroger, but hopes to breakback into show biz. Dr. Insidious routinely takes her hostage, asshe is very cooperative and will put on a good show for thecameras. “Listen to him! He’s desperate! He’s going to kill me!”

The Narrator An unseen voice.

Susan Donan Co-author of this play.

Important note about the playwrights:

Susan Donen is not a real person, but a playwright character created for this play.

However, when printing programs or posters for this play, she should be included as co-

author of the play to create the illusion necessary for the ending of the play, when she

meets with the characters.

John Cosper is real, and his name is spelled with an “O”, not an “A”.

Copyright 2000 by Righteous Insanity

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ACT ONE

Revelation

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SCENE ONE

(A back alley. A chain link fence runs across the stage. A couple of metal trashcans are

against the fence.)

NARR- This is Terminus City. A bustling metropolis with an important university at itscore, Terminus City is widely regarded as center of learning and thought. Here,scholars debate democracy, religion, philosophy, and the meaning of life. Here,the leaders of tomorrow establish the intellectual foundations that will guide themon life’s journey. But there is a darker side to Terminus City… for evil lurkswithin the shadows, seeking to rule the city, the country, and even the world! Butfortunately for us, evil has an enemy of it’s own: the Triumvirate!

(Jack and Lenny run on stage carrying sacks of loot. They wear black turtlenecks, black

pants, and black masks.)

JACK- Ha ha ha ha! Let’s see what we have in our trick or treat bags!

(They begin pulling out wallets and purses.)

JACK- Ooooh, alligator wallet!LENNY- Carvin Klein purse!JACK- Dinner Club card!LENNY- Hey, this purse has Hello Kitty on it!JACK- Hello Kitty? Lenny, you did not mug a little girl again, did you?LENNY- (awkward) She wouldn’t share her M&M’s.JACK- The boss is not going to be very happy with you.LENNY- There’s three dollars in here.JACK- Three dollars? (pulls money out of the wallet) Man, take a look at this.LENNY- WHOA! A hundred!JACK- Exactly. I got this off a guy coming out of that French place.LENNY- Chez Pierre?JACK- Yeah! That’s the kinda clientele you want to mug.LENNY- Oh, I see.JACK- A ha! Platinum Vista Card. Lenny, what do you say we treat ourselves to some

Italian food?LENNY- Yeah!

(Everyman enters in a suit and mask carrying a briefcase.)

EVERYMAN- The only meal you’ll be eating tonight is a knuckle sandwich!JACK- (rolls his eyes) Well look who it is. It’s Everyman.NARR- Yes, it is Everyman, super hero for the common folk. By day he is a mild

mannered accountant, but at night, he dons a mask, takes up the briefcase ofjustice, and fights as a member of the city’s league of super heroes: the TerminusTriumvirate!

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EVERYMAN- The game is up, evil ones! Now, let’s away to the police station to turn inthat stolen money and surrender to authorities.

JACK- And if we say no?EVERYMAN- (sets down briefcase, takes off coat, rolls up sleeves) Then I guess we’ll

have to settle this the old fashioned way… with our fists!JACK- Look, buddy, we like you. Really we do. And to be honest, I feel bad each and

every time we fight.EVERYMAN- Is it the conviction in your heart that you’re up to no good?JACK- No… I just really hate having to beat you senseless all the time. Don’t you get

tired of it?EVERYMAN- I never tire of fighting for justice.JACK- Okay. Ready, Lenny?LENNY- Let’s do it!

(Lenny charges at Everyman, who grabs his suitcase and hits Lenny in the face, knocking

him down.)

LENNY- OWW!JACK- You hurt Lenny!EVERYMAN- (surprised) I did? Yes, of course I did! The long arm of the law hurts

when it—JACK- Ehhh, shuddup!

(Jack pulls out a knife. Everyman grabs two ballpoint pens from his pocket. Jack swings

the knife down at Everyman, who blocks it by criss-crossing the pens. Jack pushes

down with the knife. Everyman pushes up with the pen. Jack kicks Everyman in

the leg.)

EVERYMAN- Owww!

(Jack punches Everyman in the face, sending him spinning and collapsing to the ground.)

JACK- Can we call it quits now?

(Everyman gets up, charges Jack with his head down. Jack steps aside. Lenny is waiting,

holding a trash can lid as a shield. Everyman collides headfirst with the lid.

Everyman flips back, stunned, and falls.)

JACK- Shall we dance?LENNY- Yes, let’s!

(Jack and Lenny begin kicking Everyman, who keeps yelling “Ow.”)

NARR- Sadly, though the heroes of the Terminus Triumvirate meant well, they werereally poor at fighting crime.

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(Lenny and Jack stop kicking.)

LENNY- Do you think he’s had enough?

(Everyman pulls himself up.)

JACK- Doesn’t look like it, no.EVERYMAN- You’ll never win! You’re bad guys.JACK- That hasn’t stopped us up ‘til now.EVERYMAN- Prepare to face my wrath!LENNY- I feel terrible about this.JACK- So do I. Tell you what, Everyman, we’ll turn our backs and give you a free hit.

(Jack and Lenny turn to the audience, their backs to Everyman.)

EVERYMAN- Really?LENNY- It’s the only sportsman-like thing to do.EVERYMAN- All right then. Prepare to lose!

(Everyman steps back to upstage. He charges…)

JACK- Now.

(Jack and Lenny part. Everyman flies off the stage and lands down front in the audience,

knocked out. Jack and Lenny are stunned.)

LENNY- What the—JACK- Where did he go?LENNY- Jack, he flew right through that wall!

(Jack and Lenny feel the invisible fourth wall of the stage, which to them is another wall

in the alley.)

LENNY- How could that happen?JACK- I dunno. Maybe it was a wormhole.LENNY- A what?JACK- A portal through time and space that exists only for a split second. He could be

anywhere in the universe.LENNY- Let’s get out of here, man. That’s creepy.SUPREME DIVA- (off) Not so fast!

(Supreme Diva runs on stage and poses, ala Wonder Woman. Jack and Lenny are

horrified!)

LENNY- Jack… it’s… it’s…

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NARR- It’s the Supreme Diva, the true hero of Terminus City! An All-Americanteenager, an honors student, cheerleader, and homecoming queen, she wasabducted by UFO’s and graced with super powers that are out of this world!

SUPREME DIVA- And where do you think you’re going?JACK- Us? No where special!LENNY- We wanted to return all this loot to its rightful owners!SUPREME DIVA- I will take that!

(Jack and Lenny grab the bags and lay them at Supreme Diva’s feet.)

LENNY- Yes, ma’am!JACK- Anything you say!LENNY- Our pleasure.SUPREME DIVA- Thank you.JACK- You want we should turn ourselves into the police?LENNY- Yeah, yeah, please let us turn ourselves in!JACK- Don’t hurt us.SUPREME DIVA- What, are you afraid of a little girl?LENNY- Yes! Yes we are!SUPREME DIVA- Aww, you big sissies! What’s to be afraid of? Wind?

(Supreme Diva blows at the bad guys. Stage lights go icy blue. Sound of a mighty wind.

Jack and Lenny shiver.)

JACK- P-p-p-p-lease St-t-t-t-top-p-p-p-p!SUPREME DIVA- Oh, you boys look cold.LENNY- N-n-n-n-no We’re n-n-n-n-ot!SUPREME DIVA- Please, let me warm you up!

(Supreme Diva shoots laser eyes at Jack and Lenny. Sound effect of laser beams. Have

stage lights go brilliant red. Jack and Lenny sink to their knees in agony.)

JACK- Please, have mercy on us!SUPREME DIVA- Go on, get lost!

(Jack and Lenny scamper off.)

SUPREME DIVA- Now to return these items to the police that their rightful owners mayreclaim them.

(Lights out.)

SCENE TWO

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NARR- Yes, thanks to the Supreme Diva, the streets of Terminus City were safe. But justoutside the city limits resides the greatest criminal mastermind the world has everknown!

(Dr. Insidious enters in a spotlight and laughs an evil laugh.)

NARR- Dr. Insidious, a former professor at the university who fell from grace after localbillionaire and philanthropist Scott Brooder foiled his attempt at plagiarizing amathematical theory. Now, from his secret lair at 2336 Melody Lane, he plots hisrevenge on the millionaire, the university, the city, and the world!

(Lights up. A quaint breakfast table with a bouquet of flowers is set for breakfast. Three

manila folders are set at the stage left end of the table. Dr. Insidious sits down,

opens the top folder, and reads.)

INSIDIOUS- It’s flawless! Absolutely flawless! My plan to take over the world cannotfail!!!

(Kathy enters with a mug of coffee for Dr. Insidious.)

KATHY- Good morning, dear.INSIDIOUS- Good morning, my beautiful wife.

(Kathy and Dr. Insidious exchange a cutesy kiss.)

KATHY- What’s in the file folders, honey pie?INSIDIOUS- Top secret documents, my little muffin.KATHY- Top secret?INSIDIOUS- Yes, it is my latest plan for world domination.KATHY- Oh, that’s nice, dear.INSIDIOUS- I’m presenting the plan to the boys this mornings. Is breakfast almost

ready?KATHY- Yes it is. I made French toast with boysenberry syrup!INSIDIOUS- Boysenberry? I love boysenberry! Kathy, you’re the greatest.

(Kathy exits.)

INSIDIOUS- Now where are my interns?

(Jack and Lenny enter, out of breath, worn out.)

INSIDIOUS- There you are. (reacting to their appearance) Good grief! What happenedto you two?

LENNY- Supreme Diva… she… attacked us…INSIDIOUS- Lenny, Jack, what were you doing last night that brought the Supreme

Diva down on you?

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JACK- Nothing.INSIDIOUS- Were you snatching purses and wallets again?JACK- (searching for an excuse) Well—INSIDIOUS- Jack, Lenny, sit down.

(Jack and Lenny sit.)

INSIDIOUS- Fellas, we’ve been through this a thousand times. Snatching purses andwallets is for blue collar criminals. We’re white collar—no, we are above whitecollar criminals. We are super villains. We are dedicated to conquering the world,and therefore, we do not waste time with petty purse snatching and walletstealing.

LENNY- We know. It’s just that we were hungry, and this is an unpaid internship. Wejust wanted a little spending money.

NARR- Yes, Jack and Lenny were not professional henchmen. Professional henchmenbecame costly once they unionized, and Dr. Insidious had been abandoned toomany times in the middle of a battle when union henchmen walked off demandingtheir afternoon break. Dr. Insidious fired his union men and took on interns likeJack and Lenny from Terminus University’s School of Business.

(Kathy enters with a huge platter of French toast and a pitcher of syrup.)

JACK- Good morning, Mrs. Insidious.KATHY- Good morning boys! I hope you like today’s breakfast.LENNY- Oh boy! French toast!KATHY- What will you have to drink?JACK- Orange juice, please.LENNY- Me, too.KATHY- I just made some this morning. Freshly squeezed.JACK- Freshly squeezed? Great!KATHY- I’ll be right back.

(Kathy exits.)

INSIDIOUS- Boys, I know that you would like to dress in designer clothes and frequentthe town hot spots. But I’ve provided you with a nice home, cable TV, and thebest cooking in Terminus City. What more do you want?

JACK- I see your point, Dr. Insidious.INSIDIOUS- Right. Now that that is clear, I want to explain to you my latest diabolical

plan to take over the world.

(Dr. Insidious passes out file folders. In the audience, Everyman starts to come to his

senses.)

LENNY- All right!INSIDIOUS- Gentlemen, we’re calling this Operation World Domination.

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JACK- Good title.INSIDIOUS- In exactly 24 hours, the leaders of the entire world will gather at Terminus

University for the World Peace Conference.JACK- I get it! And we’re gonna blow the place up!INSIDIOUS- No, we won’t.JACK- Why not?INSIDIOUS- Because it would do us no good. All the world leaders will be killed, yes,

but then we’ll have a world ruled by vice presidents, assistant prime ministers,and other “also-rans” who couldn’t claim power on their own merit.

JACK- Oh yeah.INSIDIOUS- As you will see on page 3, paragraph 2, I have identified the food service

facility that will be providing coffee and donuts for the world leaders. Here’s theplan: we will break into the food service facility at 5 AM.

JACK- Man, that’s early.INSIDIOUS- 5 AM is one hour before the bakers and coffee makers go to work. It must

be 5 AM.JACK- Man…INSIDIOUS- Once inside, we will contaminate the coffee and donuts with a deadly virus

that will kill them all in a mere six hours.LENNY- But I thought you just said we weren’t going to kill them.INSIDIOUS- We aren’t.LENNY- Then what’s with the virus?INSIDIOUS- (building in confidence to a mighty crescendo) Once the world leaders have

all been infected, I will take the podium at the conference and announce to theworld leaders their certain doom. I will also let the world leaders know that Ialone hold the antidote to the virus. If the world leaders wish to live they willsurrender their power and authority to me… or they will die at the mercy of adeadly virus!

(Pause, then Jack and Lenny deflate their boss with stupid questions.)

LENNY- What if they don’t all eat donuts?INSIDIOUS- That’s why we’re also lacing the coffee with the virus.JACK- What if they don’t drink coffee?INSIDIOUS- Then we’ll drop virus in the water, too.LENNY- What if they won’t surrender? What if they die nobly rather than save their

cowardly necks?INSIDIOUS- If we were throwing Christians to the lions, I’d be worried, but not with

these clowns. But these are politicians. They’d sell their own mothers to save theirlousy necks.

JACK- You know… I think it could work.INSIDIOUS- It will work! And I will be ruler of the world!

(Jack, Lenny, and Dr. Insidious laugh an evil laugh.)

EVERYMAN- (over the laughter) NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

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(The bad guys hear Everyman and stop laughing.)

INSIDIOUS- What was that?

(Everyman covers his mouth.)

INSIDIOUS- Who yelled “No”?JACK- What?INSIDIOUS- I heard someone yell “No.”

(If audience laughs, have Everyman whisper “Be quiet! Shhhh!”)

INSIDIOUS- (to Jack) Did you yell “No?”

(Jack shakes his head no.)

INSIDIOUS- Lenny?

(Lenny shakes his head no.)

INSIDIOUS- (calls to Kathy) Pumpkin, did you just yell out the word “No?”KATHY- (off, with a melodic tone) No!INSIDIOUS- (shrugs) Oh well. Time to get ready to execute the plan. Soon as breakfast

is over, I want you boys to get the video equipment and load it up in the van.Then, we’re going shopping for a hostage.

JACK- What for?INSIDIOUS- Before we storm the World Peace Conference, I want to make a video

stating our intention of taking over the world. You know, give the big boyssomething to ponder. We will use the jamming transistor tower and broadcast ourmessage of doom over all the network channels.

LENNY- What’s the hostage for?INSIDIOUS- Marketing 101, gentlemen. When you have a screaming, pleading innocent

victim with a gun to their head, it makes the threats much more effective.JACK- Good idea.LENNY- I told you we’d learn a lot from this internship.

(The villains laugh diabolically. Lights fade out. Spotlight picks up Everyman.)

SCENE 3

(Everyman turns to the audience.)

EVERYMAN- I have to tell the guys. (looks around) But how? Excuse me, folks, myname is Everyman. I’m a super hero. I was fighting crime, and suddenly… somehow I ended up here. I don’t know how, but I really need to get out of here so I

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can warn my pals at the Triumvirate about Dr. Insidious’ plot. Can some one tellme where I am?

(Wait for answer. Some of this dialogue may or may not happen depending on audience

response. You might have plants in the audience or sound/light techs shout out the

ideal answers to help the actor playing Everyman.)

EVERYMAN- A theater? What like a movie theater?

(Wait for answer.)

EVERYMAN- Stage theater? Huh. Okay. Can some one tell me if I’m in Terminus City?

(Wait for answer.)

EVERYMAN- This is not Terminus City?

(Wait for answer.)

EVERYMAN- Louisville*? Louisville*???

(*Change to whatever city you are performing in.)

EVERYMAN- Boy, talk about the armpit of civilization! Okay, Plan B. I’ve got to get tothe airport and hop the first plane out of here. (start walking up the aisle) Good tomeet you folks, but there’s a master criminal to foil and—(stops, snaps fingers)

Phone. I could call the guys from here. Does anyone have a cell phone I couldborrow? I need to call—

SCENE 4

(Before Everyman can finish his sentence, lights up on stage. The set is Morbidman’s

lair. There is a cold, black desk on stage, angled towards up stage left. A red phone sits

on the desk. Down stage right of the desk is a chair. Morbidman sits in the chair in the

pose of Rodin’s The Thinker, half dressed in his super hero uniform. Master of the

Obvious paces back and forth, upstage.)

NARR- As the villains plot their fiendish world take over, the remaining members of theTriumvirate wait word of their friend Everyman, and the next move of Dr.Insidious. Tortured billionaire Scott Brooder, alias Morbidman, a man whose lifehas been racked by pain and suffering. And the mysterious fellow named Ed,alias, Master of the Obvious.

MASTER- You look tortured.MORBIDMAN- I am tortured. My goldfish Hector died today.MASTER- His death has caused you grief.MORBIDMAN- Great grief. It seems to be my lot in life. From the day I saw my parents

murdered, I have been a tortured, twisted soul. Yet though I am Morbidman, I

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have dedicated my life to fighting the forces of bad, in hopes that maybe I couldmake this world a better place. For children. For their parents. And even goldfish.

(The red phone rings.)

MASTER- The phone is ringing!

(The phone rings.)

MORBIDMAN- Yes, Commissioner… (a quick succession of “Uh huhs.”) Uh huh… uhhuh… uh huh… uh huh… uh huh… (long pause) uh huh… Thank you,Commissioner.

(Morbidman hangs up.)

MASTER- That was the commissioner.MORBIDMAN- Indeed. He wants us to be a part of the security force for the World

Peace Conference. He gave us parking lot detail. Which can only mean onething…

MASTER- The Supreme Diva is in charge of security inside.MORBIDMAN- Precisely. That stupid teenager.MASTER- You’re jealous.MORBIDMAN- Of course I’m jealous! We had the monopoly on super heroism in this

town before she came along.MASTER- Maybe you should invite her to join us.MORBIDMAN- No way. You and Everyman and I have functioned as one unit for years.

Can you imagine what would happen if we added that kid to the group?MASTER- We might actually win a battle and we wouldn’t always get so beat up?MORBIDMAN- (stands, paces) We’re just in a slump, pal. What we need is a… a

victory. A triumphant victory over the forces of evil. Unfortunately, there are noevil forces left. Lord Fang was killed by the Supreme Diva. Diabolicus? Killed bythe Diva. Hammerhead and Walrusman? Killed by the Supreme Diva. TheLeague of Evil? They went straight. They're now all serving on the Board ofDirectors at Terminus Little Community Theater. Dr. Insidious… (thinks a

moment) Wait a minute… of course, Dr. Insidious! He's the only man who hasevaded death at the hands of the Supreme Diva!

MASTER- That means he's still alive!MORBIDMAN- (slow turn and look) Brilliant deduction.MASTER- That’s why they call me… Master of the Obvious!MORBIDMAN- If only there were a way to discover what Dr. Insidious is up to before

the Diva does.EVERYMAN- (from his spot in the audience) I know what he’s up to!MORBIDMAN- (to Master) You do?MASTER- Do what?MORBIDMAN- You just said you knew what Dr. Insidious is up to!MASTER- No I didn’t!

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MORBIDMAN- I distinctly heard you say quote, “I know what he’s up to!”EVERYMAN- (walking down front) He didn’t say it! I said it!

(Morbidman and Master of the Obvious look around.)

MASTER- A mysterious voice!MORBIDMAN- Who said that? Identify yourself!EVERYMAN- It’s me! It’s Everyman!MASTER- I believe it’s Everyman!MORBIDMAN- (looking at the imaginary 4

th wall down stage) I hear that, but I do not

see him!EVERYMAN- I’m right here in front of you.MASTER- It sounds like it is coming from that wall.MORBIDMAN- Everyman, stop playing games.EVERYMAN- What games? Can’t you see me?MORBIDMAN- No!EVERYMAN- Hang on. I’m coming up there.

(Everyman climbs on the stage and steps into the scene. Morbidman and Master of the

Obvious leap back in fear.)

MASTER- He walked right through that wall!!EVERYMAN- What? You guys look as if you’ve seen a ghost!MORBIDMAN- Everyman… is it… really you?EVERYMAN- Yeah!MORBIDMAN- You’re not a ghost?EVERYMAN- Feel my hands. Stop doubting and believe.MORBIDMAN- This is not the time to talk Biblical.EVERYMAN- What is with you guys?MORBIDMAN- If you’re really Everyman, what’s your real name?EVERYMAN- Paul Schwartz. I’m an accountant with Wallace and Shawn. And you are

Morbidman, alias Scott Brooder, the deeply disturbed billionaire orphan who hasexperienced nothing but pain and anxiety all of his life. (to Master of the Obvious)

And you are Master of the Obvious, a super hero of debatable worth. The onlyclue to your real identity is that your first name is Ed.

MASTER- He is Everyman!MORBIDMAN- Yes, it appears so. But if you are Everyman, how is it that you came

here?EVERYMAN- Easy. I came from—(turns to where he entered) that wall??? How in the

world…MORBIDMAN- I’d like to know that myself.EVERYMAN- Man, this wall was not here!MORBIDMAN- What, did you come through some wormhole?

(Everyman reaches to touch the wall. His hand goes through.)

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MASTER- He just stuck his hand through that wall!EVERYMAN- What the—MORBIDMAN- How did you do that?EVERYMAN- I wish I knew. I always thought this was solid stone.MORBIDMAN- It is solid—(sticks his hand through the 4

th wall) What’s going on?

EVERYMAN- I wish I knew.MORBIDMAN- How did you find this… passage?EVERYMAN- It all started when I encountered a couple of Dr. Insidious’ men in a dark

alley. I was getting pounded – I mean I was giving them a pounding – yeah – butthen one of them hits me from behind, and I go crashing into an alley wall… andthen… I woke up in this other place.

MORBIDMAN- Other place?EVERYMAN- Yeah. It was almost like… a theater!MORBIDMAN- A movie theater?EVERYMAN- No, a play theater. There were people in all the seats, and I looked on the

stage and saw Dr. Insidious! He was at his house, and the two thugs I fought withwere having breakfast with him.

MORBIDMAN- On stage? In a theater? How hard a knock to the head did you take inthat alley?

EVERYMAN- That’s not the weirdest part. I listened, and they discussed how they weregoing to take over the world at the Peace Conference. Then, the stage went dark. Iguess because the play was changing scenes. Then, I was about to leave thetheater, when all of the sudden, I saw you and Master of the Obvious on stage!

MORBIDMAN- In this theater?EVERYMAN- Yes!MORBIDMAN- Paul, didn’t I tell you to lay off the Kurt Vonnegut novels?EVERYMAN- You don’t believe me?MORBIDMAN- Not at all.EVERYMAN- What if I told you Dr. Insidious’ plan?MORBIDMAN- It was all a dream.EVERYMAN- Fine.

(Everyman leaps off the stage back into the audience.)

MASTER- He went right back through that wall!EVERYMAN- Do you believe me now?MORBIDMAN- Will you stop playing games?EVERYMAN- Step through the wall!MORBIDMAN- No.EVERYMAN- Step through the wall. I dare you!MORBIDMAN- Fine.

(Morbidman hesitates, then steps through the 4th

wall, falling off the stage. He stands,

surprised to see all the people and the theater.)

EVERYMAN- Now do you believe me?

19

MORBIDMAN- You were here… and you saw us… (looks up at the stage) Hey, Ed!MASTER- Yeah?MORBIDMAN- Can you see me?MASTER- No! Where are you?MORBIDMAN- Either an honest to goodness theater, or The Twilight Zone.MASTER- Cool.EVERYMAN- I was lying right down there. I saw everything at Dr. Insidious’ house.

Then the stage went dark, and a few minutes later, boom! Your lair, you, Ed, allof it appeared on stage.

MORBIDMAN- This stage?EVERYMAN- Uh huh.MORBIDMAN- In front of all these people?EVERYMAN- Yep!MORBIDMAN- You idiot! How could you do this?EVERYMAN- What? What?MORBIDMAN- You have just exposed my lair, and all of our secret identities to these

people! Our cover is completely blown!EVERYMAN- You didn’t believe me. I had to do something to prove who I was.MORBIDMAN- (to people in the audience) Did you hear him tell my secret identity?

(Wait for answer.)

MORBIDMAN- Well… don’t believe him! Scott Brooder and I are not the same person!Scott Brooder wears glasses! I don’t! And Paul Schwartz is not Everyman either!And—

(Stage lights go dark. Spotlight picks up Morbidman and Everyman.)

SCENE 5

MORBIDMAN- Ed? Ed???EVERYMAN- Relax, Ed is okay.MORBIDMAN- Relax???EVERYMAN- They’re just changing scenes.MORBIDMAN- But how will we find Ed— (looks suspiciously at the audience) I mean,

the Master of the Obvious?EVERYMAN- Maybe he’ll be in the next scene.MORBIDMAN- You don’t seem at all alarmed by what is happening here.

(Morbidman becomes aware of the spotlight on him. He moves from left to right in the

spot, trying to evade it.)

EVERYMAN- I dunno. I think it’s kinda cool.

(Everyman watches Morbidman play cat and mouse with the light.)

20

MORBIDMAN- That light! It’s following me.EVERYMAN- Yeah.MORBIDMAN- Why?EVERYMAN- How else would people be able to see us?MORBIDMAN- But why do they want to see me?EVERYMAN- Because you’re Morbidman, the leader of the Triumvirate, defender of

justice in Terminus City.MORBIDMAN- Yes but… why are they here? Watching us? In this place? And what is

this place, anyway?EVERYMAN- I don’t know.MORBIDMAN- Don’t you want to know?EVERYMAN- I’m Everyman, not Philosophizing Man.MORBIDMAN- This means something.EVERYMAN- Look, I brought you out here to show you how and where I overheard Dr.

Insidious’ plan. Now do you want to hear what he’s up to or not?MORBIDMAN- Sure, fine. Tell me what you heard.EVERYMAN- Okay. Dr. Insidious and his men are going to poison the coffee and donuts

at the World Peace Conference with a deadly virus that will kill every one of theworld leaders in six hours unless they surrender to him.

MORBIDMAN- That’s it, eh? Gee, couldn’t you have invented a better scenario thanthat?

EVERYMAN- Well that’s what I heard.MORBIDMAN- Sure, sure.EVERYMAN- Oh, one other thing. They were planning to take a hostage and make a

video to broadcast before the conference, warning the world leaders that he, Dr.Insidious, planned to take over the world.

MORBIDMAN- You should have stuck with the first part of the story.EVERYMAN- It’s true. (points to audience) Ask them.MORBIDMAN- Unless I see this hostage video filmed myself, I won’t believe it.

SCENE 6

(Stage lights up – Alley scene. Dr. Insidious has Annette in his arms and a gun pointed at

her head. Jack holds a video camera, filming Dr. Insidious and Annette. Lenny

stands behind Jack.)

NARR- Meanwhile, in a dark alley, Dr. Insidious and his interns prepare the videoannouncing Dr. Insidious’ plan for world domination.

ANNETTE- (desperate) Help me, please! He’s crazy! Listen to what he says!INSIDIOUS- Silence!!! If you, the leaders of the world, act as insolent as this woman, I

will exterminate you all! But if you heed my warning and lay down your power, Imay only drop a few atomic bombs on the lesser parts of the world’s population.My sundown tomorrow, I will be ruler of the world – by any means necessary.

ANNETTE- Surrender to the Doc! Hail to the chief!INSIDIOUS- Hold it, time out fellas. (to Annette) What was that?ANNETTE- What was what?

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INSIDIOUS- “Surrender to the Doc”? “Hail to the Chief”? What were you thinking?ANNETTE- I was just playing the moment, Doctor.INSIDIOUS- That was pathetic. That’s exactly the kind of gobblygook that will get us

laughed at and cause the leaders of the world to disregard our message.ANNETTE- I’m sorry, guys. Can we go back and do that again?JACK- Sure.ANNETTE- Lenny, how’s my hair?LENNY- Looks great, Annette. But let me touch up that makeup.ANNETTE- Okay.

(Lenny works on Annette’s makeup.)

INSIDIOUS- Come on, people. I have a couple billion viruses left to harvest. I don’t haveall day.

MORBIDMAN- Hey, isn’t that the child actress that hosted the Saturday morning show?NARR- Yes, Annette Stephens was a great child actress until she became a teenager and

was thrown away by an uncaring entertainment industry. She seemed doomed to alife of waiting tables until Dr. Insidious took her hostage in a TGI Fridays twoyears ago. Annette was thrilled to be back in the limelight playing the ill-fatedhostage. And though her hostage work had yet to generate interest in Tinseltown,she got a lot of repeat business from Dr. Insidious.

EVERYMAN- Oh my gosh! I thought she looked familiar.MORBIDMAN- Who was that?EVERYMAN- Annette? Are you kidding? She was only my first crush when I was eight

years old! I had posters of her pinned all over my wall.MORBIDMAN- No, no. Not Annette. The voice that gave all that back story about

Annette?EVERYMAN- I dunno. Narrator maybe?MORBIDMAN- Why would there be a Narrator in this theater?INSIDIOUS- Can we please get back to the video?LENNY- Yes, just a sec.ANNETTE- Sorry, Don.EVERYMAN- Don? What kinda stupid name is that?MORBIDMAN- You tell ‘em, Everyman.

(Annette walks back over to Dr. Insidious.)

INSIDIOUS- Okay, let’s give it another go.JACK- And… action!INSIDIOUS- Hello, leaders of the world, free and other wise, I am Dr. Insidious, the mad

genius whom you will soon call Emperor. And this is my friend Annette.ANNETTE- Help me! Please save me!INSIDIOUS- Unless you do exactly as I say, Annette and billions like her, including you,

will perish a nasty, gruesome death at the hands of my super virus! Tomorrow, atthe Peace Conference, you will receive instructions on how to—

22

(A flash of light and smoke on stage causes everyone to fly back.)

EVERYMAN- What was that?MORBIDMAN- It can only mean one thing!

(Scorn enters.)

MORBIDMAN- Scorn!NARR- Yes, it is Scorn!MORBIDMAN- That’s what I said!NARR- The maverick female vigilante Scorn, who stalks the night fighting good and evil

alike! Once a sweet, impressionable girl named Andrea, she was nearly killed bya bomb set in her house by Dr. Insidious as she awaited her date, the billionaireScott Brooder.

EVERYMAN- No way! You dated that psycho?NARR- Arriving too late, Scott Brooder thought Andrea was dead, and left her lying in a

rubble heap! Thus Andrea became Scorn, sworn enemy of the evil Dr. Insidiousand the well-meaning if misguided Morbidman.

MORBIDMAN- I resent that!INSIDIOUS- What do you want?SCORN- Me? Nothing much, darling! Just your head on a stick!INSIDIOUS- How about no, Scorn? Get her, boys!JACK- Are you crazy?LENNY- We’re no fools!INSIDIOUS- You want a good write up on this internship? Then take her out!LENNY- Sorry, man, I don’t date psychos.INSIDIOUS- I mean kill her!LENNY- Oh, man. Do we have to?

(Jack and Lenny step forward bravely, knowing they’re about to get whipped.)

MORBIDMAN- I have an idea. While Scorn is distracted with Dr. Insidious and his men,we’ll grab the hostage and run back into the theater.

(Morbidman and Everyman position themselves close to the stage. Jack and Lenny run to

Scorn. She begins giving them the beating of a lifetime.)

MORBIDMAN- Now!!

(Morbidman and Everyman leap on stage. Dr. Insidious sees them.)

INSIDIOUS- Morbidman!MORBIDMAN- We’ve come for the girl, Dr. Insignificant!

(Morbidman grabs Annette and leaps off stage. Everyman punches Dr. Insidious and

leaps off the stage. Morbidman leads Annette to the back of the theater and

23

instructs her to stay quiet. Scorn dispenses with Jack and Lenny and runs to Dr.

Insidious.)

SCORN- Where’s your girlfriend?INSIDIOUS- I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m happily married.SCORN- Don’t play games with me!

(The Supreme Diva runs on stage.)

SUPREME DIVA- Playing rough with the boys again, Scorn?INSIDIOUS- It’s the Diva!MORBIDMAN- That stupid teenager! She’s about to nab my villain!SCORN- What do you want, Diva?SUPREME DIVA- I want you, Scorn! Let that man go and pick on someone your own

size!INSIDIOUS- Yes! Please! Pick on the Diva!

(Dr. Insidious runs off.)

SCORN- You wimp! Get back here!

(Scorn tries to run away. The Supreme Diva holds out her hand and catches Scorn in a

force field.)

SCORN- You fool! You’re letting him get away!SUPREME DIVA- But I’m not letting you get away!EVERYMAN- Oh my gosh! The Diva let him get away!SUPREME DIVA- (drops her force field) Who said that?

(Morbidman shushes Everyman.)

SCORN- Who said what?SUPREME DIVA- It sounded like Everyman!

(Scorn takes the opportunity to run off.)

SUPREME DIVA- Hey!!!EVERYMAN- Now she’s lost Scorn!MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) Shhhhh!!SUPREME DIVA- Everyman? Where are you?EVERYMAN- I’m right here!MORBIDMAN- Will you hush?EVERYMAN- Why? She can’t see us! Let’s have some fun!SUPREME DIVA- Where are you?EVERYMAN- I’m right here!SUPREME DIVA- Where???

24

EVERYMAN- Here! And Morbidman is here, too!MORBIDMAN- Oh, yeah! I’m here!SUPREME DIVA- Why don’t you come out where I can see you!MORBIDMAN- No! You have to find us!SUPREME DIVA- Come on, you guys! This isn’t very nice!MORBIDMAN- Find us!! Don’t you like playing games?SUPREME DIVA- You’re such a jerk, Morbidman!

(The Supreme Diva exits. Annette walks down to the stage area. Blackout on stage.)

SCENE 7

MORBIDMAN- That was awesome.EVERYMAN- Did you see the look on her face? She was so confused.MORBIDMAN- (to Annette) Well, Miss, you’re safe from the clutches of that madman.

(Annette punches Morbidman in the face.)

MORBIDMAN- What was the point of that?ANNETTE- You moron! I was never IN his clutches! I was safer than either of you

would be in a fight against Dr. Insidious!EVERYMAN- Our reputation precedes us.MORBIDMAN- Come on, Miss. They’re using you. Can’t you see that?ANNETTE- They are the one thing I have left! Don’t you get it? I used to be a star, a TV

star! I was the darling of Terminus City! Little Annette and her Saturday FunniesCartoon Hour! I signed autographs at the Mall, I met celebrities like Huey Lewisand Debbie Gibson. Now… I’m nothing! No one! I became “uncute”, and theythrew me away like a piece of garbage. I was losing hope that I could ever breakback into showbiz, but then, Dr. Insidious entered my life. He put me back infront of the camera, for all the world to see! He gave me a stage upon which tomake my case, that Annette was, is, and always will be a great actress!

EVERYMAN- Of course you are! (pause, feeling embarrassed) I- I mean, what foolsthey were to assume your talents were no longer of use when you grew up. I’msure your legions of fans were upset.

ANNETTE- Actually, that’s one thing I haven’t missed. There was this one kid who sentme letters and marriage proposals every week. He must have sent me a hundredRing Pops over the years while I was on TV. And he showed up at every publicappearance. He was really creepy.

MORBIDMAN- What was his name?ANNETTE- What was his name… Steve… Chris… I remember! Paul!

(Morbidman looks up at Paul, who looks away nervously.)

MORBIDMAN- Look, Annette, I appreciate your desire to get back into theentertainment field, but you don’t have to be used by a power-hungry super villainto get there! I have connections.

25

ANNETTE- You do? Who do you know? Stephen Spielberg? Michael Eisner?MORBIDMAN- How about… Scott Brooder?ANNETTE- The depressed, schizoid billionaire?MORBIDMAN- (a bit insulted) Yes, well, he’s had a rough life, but I wouldn’t call him

schizoid.EVERYMAN- I would.

(Morbidman punches Everyman in the chest.)

EVERYMAN- Oww!MORBIDMAN- The point is, I – err, Scott owns a movie studio. I’m sure I could put in a

word for you with him and get you an audition.ANNETTE- Oh, I don’t know.EVERYMAN- Come on, Annette! Who wouldn’t want to see your talent on display? (to

audience) Huh? Folks, am I right?

(Get audience to clap.)

MORBIDMAN- Don’t you think Annette should give up working with the bad guys andgo good?

(Get audience to clap again.)

MORBIDMAN-Sounds like a unanimous decision to me.ANNETTE- Umm, guys, who are all these people?EVERYMAN- (shrugs) We don’t know.MORBIDMAN- My colleague here got into a fight in an alley with a few thugs. He was

shoved into what appeared to be a wall and ended up here. It was here that we sawyour plight, and from here we staged our rescue.

ANNETTE- But where is here.MORBIDMAN- We don’t know.ANNETTE- It almost looks like a theater.EVERYMAN- That’s what I said.MORBIDMAN- But why have all these people come?ANNETTE- To see a concert? Or maybe a play?MORBIDMAN- They haven’t taken their eyes off us since we got here.EVERYMAN- I know! Maybe, this is like a play theater. And maybe, these people are

here to see a play! And maybe, the play they’re here to see is about us! Andmaybe, what happened was, And maybe, I accidentally fell off the stage andbroke a hole in the 4th wall of the stage, causing a wormhole to open between ourfictional lives and their real lives?

(Seemingly thoughtful pause. Then Annette and Morbidman laugh as if that is the most

ridiculous thing they have ever heard.)

EVERYMAN- What? Why are you laughing?

26

MORBIDMAN- That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!

SCENE 8

(Stage lights up. Dr. Insidious’ house. Kathy is dusting the table.)

MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) Quiet, everyone! Something is happening!EVERYMAN- (stage whisper) Who is that?MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) I don’t know. The Diva’s mother, maybe?ANNETTE- (stage whisper) No, no. That’s Dr. Insidious’ wife.EVERYMAN- (aloud, stunned) THAT’s the mad doctor’s wife?MORBIDMAN- Shhhhh!

(Annette nods.)

EVERYMAN- (stage whisper) He’s married to June Cleaver?NARR- With the first phase of their operation thwarted by the evil and conniving Scorn,

Dr. Insidious and his men return to the Insidious bungalow in the Terminus Citysuburbs to regroup.

(Dr. Insidious, Jack, and Lenny enter.)

MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) I don’t believe it! We’ve found their hideout!ANNETTE- (stage whisper) Shouldn’t we hide?EVERYMAN- (stage whisper) It’s okay. They can’t see us.MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) But they can hear us. Keep it down.KATHY- Hi, boys. How was the hostage taking?

(Dr. Insidious, Lenny, and Jack sit down at the table. Kathy begins massaging Dr.

Insidious’ shoulders.)

INSIDIOUS- It was a disaster, my dove.KATHY- Oh, my poor would-be dictator. What happened?JACK- Scorn happened.LENNY- She came out of no where and whipped us.INSIDIOUS- And then some how, some way, the Triumvirate shows up out of no where

and grabs Annette.KATHY- Oh, I’m sorry it’s been such a rough day. But I bet I know how I can make

things better.INSIDIOUS- (hopeless) How?KATHY- I made some of my famous, never-fail chocolate chip cookies.

(Jack and Lenny cheer and high five.)

LENNY- Oh, Mrs. I, you’re the greatest!KATHY- Oh, pshaw! I’ll bring out enough for three.

27

INSIDIOUS- Make it two, honey bunny. I don’t think even chocolate chip cookies couldmake me feel better.

KATHY- What about my Quadruple Fudge Chocolate and Walnut Brownies?JACK AND LENNY- Ooooooooooo!!!!INSIDIOUS- You mean… the ones with four layers of fudge, each one more chocolaty

than the one above?KATHY- Uh huh.INSIDIOUS- Okay. Sure.JACK- Yeah!!!KATHY- They’ll be ready in a few minutes.

(Kathy exits.)

EVERYMAN- (stage whisper) We can take ‘em by surprise. We’ll leap into the roomand grab them before they know we’re here… or there… whatever that place is.

MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) Not yet. Let’s wait for the right moment.EVERYMAN- (stage whisper) When’s that?MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) Whenever I say it is. (bops Everyman in the head)

Annette, this could get ugly. Better find a safe place.ANNETTE- (stage whisper) Yeah. I’ve seen how you guys fight.

(Annette walks up the aisle, to the sound/ light table.)

MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) What did she mean by that?EVERYMAN- (stage whisper) I dunno.JACK- So what now boss?INSIDIOUS- You know? We were fools to even attempt that video. When you telegraph

your intentions ahead of time, it gives the law too much of an edge. Granted, it’sfun to kill cops when they know you’re coming, they prepare for it, and you showup and surprise them anyway. Especially when the implement of death is abazooka. But for something this big, we really should just barge in and do it.

EVERYMAN- (stage whisper) Now?MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) Not just yet.INSIDIOUS- Okay, here’s the plan. I will spend the afternoon harvesting the viruses.

You two will go to the airport and abduct a delegation from one of the smallcountries.

LENNY- Which one?

(Kathy enters with a serving plate of cookies.)

INSIDIOUS- I don’t care. Serbia, Liechtenstein, Madagascar, pick one. Abduct them andbring them here.

KATHY- Bring who here?INSIDIOUS- The delegation from a small country.KATHY- When?INSIDIOUS- This afternoon.

28

KATHY- Uh! I wish you would have told me sooner! Now I have to get the guestbedroom ready.

(Kathy leaves the cookies and exits. Lenny and Jack grab cookies, start to eat.)

INSIDIOUS- In order to get to contaminate the coffee and donuts, we’ll have to leavehere around 3 AM, so get to bed early. No Letterman tonight.

JACK- Man!INSIDIOUS- We’ll contaminate the food stuff, come back here for breakfast, disguise

ourselves as the abducted delegation and attend the conference. Once everyonehas had something to eat and drink, I will make the announcement that the timehas come for the world to bow… to me!!!

(Jack and Lenny and Dr. Insidious laugh. Dr. Insidious grabs a cookie and takes a bite.)

MORBIDMAN- Now!!!

(Morbidman leaps onto the stage. Everyman leaps for the stage, stumbles, and falls back

on the ground. Jack and Lenny stand up and surround Morbidman. Dr. Insidious chews

his cookie in shock.)

EVERYMAN- (to a person down front) Aww, man!MORBIDMAN- (points to Dr. Insidious) Seize him!!!!

(Lenny runs and grabs Dr. Insidious’ arm. Dr. Insidious hits him.)

INSIDIOUS- Let go of me, you moron! You work for me!LENNY- Sorry, boss.EVERYMAN- (to a guy in the audience) Could you give me a boost?

(Lenny walks back over to Morbidman. Dr. Insidious stands.)

INSIDIOUS- So, Morbidman, you have found my secret lair.MORBIDMAN- Lair? You call this a lair? I have a lair. This is the suburbs!INSIDIOUS- Really, Morbidman, do you really subscribe to all those super hero cliches?

Why must a super villain have an underground lair? Why can’t he live in thesuburbs with a darling wife and a white picket fence?

MORBIDMAN- You deserve iron bars, Insidious, not picket fences.INSIDIOUS- Good come back. But all for naught. I must give you credit though, coming

here all alone.MORBIDMAN- I’m not alone!

(The audience member boosts Everyman onto the stage. He charges towards Dr.

Insidious, who steps aside. Everyman flies off stage and crashes in the kitchen to

the rattling sounds of pots and pans. Jack walks off stage.)

29

KATHY- (off stage) Oh, hello. Are you the delegate from the small country my husbandabducted?

INSIDIOUS- No, dear, it’s just a super hero come to thwart me.KATHY- Oh, that’s nice, dear.

(Jack enters pushing Everyman into the room.)

INSIDIOUS- So we have Moe and Larry. I assume Curly will join us soon?EVERYMAN- Who? Master of the Obvious?INSIDIOUS- No, I meant the real Curly Howard, dead since 1952, is going to walk into

my house at any moment.MORBIDMAN- Actually, no. This is it.INSIDIOUS- You’re certain? No more good guy heroes are going to materialize in my

dining area?MORBIDMAN- No, we’re it.JACK- I say we beat ‘em up!LENNY- Yeah!

(Jack punches Morbidman who falls to the ground. Lenny punches Everyman who falls to

the ground. Jack sits on Morbidman’s chest and wails on him. Lenny does the

same to Everyman.)

INSIDIOUS- No, no, no, no, NO!

(Jack and Lenny stop.)

JACK- What’s the matter?INSIDIOUS- You’re doing everything out of order. We do not beat up the good guys

immediately following their capture.LENNY- We don’t?INSIDIOUS- Gee, Lenny, we covered this months ago. Day one. When we capture the

heroes after a daring attack, we…JACK- Gloat about capturing them and tell them in detail about our plan for world

domination!INSIDIOUS- Exactly!

(Jack and Lenny help Morbidman and Everyman to their feet.)

MORBIDMAN- Save your speech, Dr. Insidious. We heard everything from where wewere. We know your game: poisoning the World Peace Conference with yourkiller virus!

INSIDIOUS- Is that so?EVERYMAN- And we heard about the delegation from the small country, too!INSIDIOUS- Really?JACK- Then we can beat them up now!!

30

(Jack punches Morbidman who falls to the ground. Lenny punches Everyman who falls to

the ground. Jack sits on Morbidman’s chest and wails on him. Lenny does the

same to Everyman.)

INSIDIOUS- Boys!!!

(Jack and Lenny stop.)

INSIDIOUS- Change of plans. I want to do a little interrogation.LENNY- With pain and torture?INSIDIOUS- Oh, fine, if it will make you happy.

(Jack and Lenny help Morbidman and Everyman to their feet, pull out chairs, and sit

them in chairs facing the audience. Kathy enters from the kitchen doing a cross

over.)

KATHY- Having fun, boys?JACK- Yes, Mrs. Insidious.KATHY- (points to a spot on the floor) Oh! Did someone get blood on my floor?LENNY- Oh, that’s my bad, Mrs. I. I punched Everyman and he kinda spurted blood on

your floor.KATHY- Oh, that’s all right. I’ve cleaned bigger messes before. Carry on!

(Kathy exits.)

INSIDIOUS- And now, Morbidman – Scott – you will tell me exactly how you came tobe here.

MORBIDMAN- Never!!INSIDIOUS- Really, Scott, let’s not delay the inevitable. We can inflict an awful lot of

pain.MORBIDMAN- Go ahead, you evil booger.INSIDIOUS- Evil booger? That’s the best you could come up with?MORBIDMAN- Can the condescension! You and I both know that I have a high

tolerance for pain! Every day of my life has been rife with sorrow and misery!Your tortures will be pleasant compared to the searing irons which infect my soul!

INSIDIOUS- Fine. We’ll torture your buddy Everyman.EVERYMAN- NO! DON’T! I’LL TALK!MORBIDMAN- Whose side are you on?JACK- I think Everyman is the guy we want anyway. After the way he mysteriously

disappeared in that dark alley.INSIDIOUS- Really? Tell us, Everyman. How did come to be in my dining area?EVERYMAN- (nods to the 4

th wall) See that wall?

INSIDIOUS- Yeah.EVERYMAN- We came through that.INSIDIOUS- You mean you were in my laundry room?EVERYMAN- No! We were in a theater!

31

INSIDIOUS- A theater?EVERYMAN- That’s what it looked like.INSIDIOUS- What kind of theater?EVERYMAN- A drama theater, I think.INSIDIOUS- Uh huh. And just how did you come across this magical theater?EVERYMAN- Well, umm, it all started when I was in that alley, beating the snot out of

your interns—LENNY- (smacks the back of Everyman’s head) You were not!EVERYMAN- Well, I was putting up a pretty even fight—

(Lenny smacks Everyman again.)

EVERYMAN- ALL RIGHT! I was getting my fanny kicked, when they pushed methrough a wall.

INSIDIOUS- Through the wall?EVERYMAN- Yeah, kinda like a wormhole.INSIDIOUS- Like on Star Trek?

EVERYMAN- That’s the ticket. I went through the wall and ended up in a theater full ofpeople. I looked up on the stage and saw your house. This room! (points to Jack)

You were there! (points to Lenny) You were there too! (points to Dr. Insidious)

And you were there!

(Kathy crosses back over to the kitchen.)

EVERYMAN- And so was she!INSIDIOUS- Was Toto there too?EVERYMAN- You have a dog named Toto?INSIDIOUS- No, you nit wit!EVERYMAN- Oh.INSIDIOUS- You know, Everyman, I’ve heard a lot of whoppers in my day, but that is

the worst story I’ve ever heard.EVERYMAN- It’s true, I tell you!INSIDIOUS- Prove it!EVERYMAN- I heard you all plan your attack on the World Peace Conference.INSIDIOUS- You could have heard that from the laundry room!EVERYMAN- How about when we rescued Annette? Huh? We went through the wall in

the alley and nabbed her away from you.INSIDIOUS- How do I know you weren’t hiding behind some garbage cans?EVERYMAN- You had French toast for breakfast!

(Dr. Insidious looks at Lenny and Jack.)

JACK- He did see us!INSIDIOUS- Maybe so. But I still want proof. Lenny!LENNY- Yeah, boss?INSIDIOUS- Walk over to that wall.

32

LENNY- Why?INSIDIOUS- See if there are any wormholes in it.LENNY- Wormholes?INSIDIOUS- Yeah, like on Star Trek.

(Lenny walks to the 4th

wall, reaches up to touch it.)

INSIDIOUS- Feel anything?LENNY- Nope.INSIDIOUS- Hmm. What if I do this!

(Dr. Insidious pushes Lenny through the 4th

wall and into the audience. Jack gasps as

Lenny disappears through the wall.)

LENNY- AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!! (picks himself up) Whoa, that was awesome!INSIDIOUS- Lenny?LENNY- I’m here, Dr. I! Everyman was right! I’m in a theater! And it’s full of people!INSIDIOUS- Jack!JACK- Yeah?INSIDIOUS- Check it out. See if it’s safe.JACK- Lenny, is it safe?INSIDIOUS- Follow him through the wall!JACK- I don’t wanna!INSIDIOUS- If you don’t follow him, you get no dessert after dinner!JACK- (runs down center) I’m coming, Lenny!

(Jack jumps off the stage and lands on Lenny. They collapse and yell “Ow!!”

INSIDIOUS- What happened?LENNY- Stupid Jack jumped on top of me!INSIDIOUS- Is it safe for me?JACK- Yeah, just watch that first step.INSIDIOUS- (to Everyman and Morbidman) After you, gentlemen.

(Everyman and Morbidman get up, walk down center. Morbidman looks at Everyman.)

MORBIDMAN- Ready?EVERYMAN- Yep!

(Morbidman and Everyman turn and swing at Dr. Insidious. He ducks, then pushes them

both off the stage into Jack and Lenny.)

JACK- Oww! Watch what you’re doing!LENNY- Get off me, you cow!

33

(Annette runs down the aisle into Morbidman’s arms. She carries a copy of the script,

and is very shaken and scared.)

ANNETTE- Oh, thanks goodness you’re back!MORBIDMAN- Annette, what’s wrong?

(Dr. Insidious then hops off the stage safely.)

ANNETTE- Something so horrible, so frightening—INSIDIOUS- Please, Annette, you’re making me blush. (looks around the room) Well,

well, well. The would-be hero was telling the truth. A theater full of people. Tellme, Everyman, are these folks the same ones who were here when you first foundthe room and overheard our plans.

EVERYMAN- Uh huh.INSIDIOUS- And they were with you when you nabbed Annette? And when you broke

into my home?EVERYMAN- Yep.INSIDIOUS- Then they must be put out of commission. Jack, Lenny, kill!JACK- Uhh, sir? There are two of us. How are we supposed to do that?INSIDIOUS- Really, Jack, must I lead you by the hand in everything we do?ANNETTE- It’s no use, Dr. Insidious! You can’t kill them!INSIDIOUS- Yes I can!ANNETTE- No you can’t!INSIDIOUS- Look it’s quite simple. All I need is a gun or a bomb or some weapon of

mass destruction and I can easily dispatch these good people.ANNETTE- You’re wrong, Don! You can’t even touch these people.INSIDIOUS- Why not?ANNETTE- Because you’re not real.INSIDIOUS- (a long, befuddled pause) Say that again?ANNETTE- (holds up the script) The evidence is right here.INSIDIOUS- Give me that. (snatches the script from Annette)

MORBIDMAN- What is it?ANNETTE- It’s a play script.INSIDIOUS- Morbidman Meets His Maker by John Cosper and Susan Donen. Gotta love

that title, huh, fellas?ANNETTE- You don’t get it, do you?INSIDIOUS- Get what?ANNETTE- You, me, all of us are characters in a play!INSIDIOUS- (hands the script to Lenny) What?ANNETTE- Look around you! These people have been watching us from the beginning

when Everyman fought Jack and Lenny in the alley. They saw Morbidman andMaster of the Obvious, the Supreme Diva and Scorn. They saw your French toastbreakfast and the never-fail chocolate chip cookies! We’re fictional characterswho only exist in that script and on that stage.

INSIDIOUS- That’s ridiculous?

34

(Lenny starts to laugh.)

INSIDIOUS- Something amusing, Lenny?LENNY- Yeah! I just found where you said that.INSIDIOUS- Said what?LENNY- (mocking Dr. Insidious) “That’s ridiculous!”JACK- Hey, look! Here’s where you make fun of Dr. Insidious saying “That’s

ridiculous.”LENNY- Wow! That line was in there too! And the words I’m saying, I’m saying them

right now! As I speak them, they appear on this page! This is so—

(Dr. Insidious knocks the script out of Lenny’s hands.)

INSIDIOUS- Knock it off! You’re starting to give me the creeps!MORBIDMAN- Is it really possible? Could it be true that every heartache, pain, and

misery I have ever suffered, the things that made me into a hero calledMorbidman, never really happened at all? Could it be that I only exist in theimagination of a playwright?

INSIDIOUS- I assure you they did happen and you are quite real. I still remember theday I assassinated your pet boxer, Rambo.

MORBIDMAN- Do you really remember that? Or is that memory just… part of yourcharacter?

EVERYMAN- I’m so confused!JACK- I don’t see what the big deal is. So we’re not real. We’re imaginary characters. So

what? Who cares?ANNETTE- I care! I don’t know about you, but I’m scared to death by the idea. I want to

know who created me, and why. Why did they make me into the person that I am?Why am I a washed up, former child star? More importantly… what will happento me when the final curtain falls?

INSIDIOUS- Look, this is all very fascinating in a weird, Descartian way, but we haveimportant business to attend to.

JACK- We do?INSIDIOUS- Taking over the world? Have we forgotten?LENNY- But, Doctor, if we’re only fictional characters, then doesn’t it stand to reason

that the world we are trying to conquer isn’t real?INSIDIOUS- Huh?JACK- He’s right, Doc. Forget the World Peace Conference. It’s all bogus anyway.LENNY- And on top of that, we’re the bad guys. If we stick go back on the stage, we’re

just going to lose to these clowns.INSIDIOUS- You’re right! Okay, boys, we’re staying here. We’ll find a new base of

operations, and take over the world.ANNETTE- It will never work!

(Morbidman gets an idea. He steps away from the group slooooowly, casually. He grabs

Everyman’s arm, pulling him back, motioning for Everyman to be silent.)

35

INSIDIOUS- And why not?ANNETTE- I’ve read the second act! This plan will fail, and the curtain will come down

on all of us! There’s no way we can escape our fate!INSIDIOUS- Really, Annette, I think Morbidman has had too strong an impact on you. I

miss the old optimistic Annette we knew and loved as our favorite hostage.

(Everyman and Morbidman climb on stage.)

JACK- Where shall we go, Doc?INSIDIOUS- Oh, I dunno. I’ve always wanted to go to Atlantic City. What do you say

we go do a little gambling while we plan our attack?LENNY- Sweet!INSIDIOUS- Indeed. It will be like a second honeymoon for Kathy and I.

(Kathy enters on stage with a tray of brownies.)

KATHY- Here we go, boys. Fresh—

(Morbidman grabs Kathy, puts his hand over her mouth. Everyone in the audience looks

up on stage.)

KATHY- Mmmmpphhh!!!!INSIDIOUS- What do you think you’re doing?MORBIDMAN- Making sure you don’t leave this theater!INSIDIOUS- Let go of my sweetie pie!MORBIDMAN- No! If you want her, you’ll have to come get her… after intermission!INSIDIOUS- Intermission???

(The stage lights go black.)

SCENE 9

INSIDIOUS- Nooooooooo!!!!!!!NARR- What strange twist of fate is this? Morbidman abducting Dr. Insidious' wife?INSIDIOUS- That's what I'd like to know!NARR- Don't miss the exciting second half of our story, coming up right after

Intermission!JACK- They’re gone!INSIDIOUS- That dirty rat! I’ll teach him to abduct my bride!LENNY- Now what, boss?INSIDIOUS- I’ll tell you what. We’re staying. (to audience) Everyone is to stay here

until intermission is over.JACK- You can’t make them stay. What if they have to go?INSIDIOUS- No one leaves the theater!JACK- No, I mean the other kind of go?INSIDIOUS- Fine. Those of you who need to “go”, may go.

36

LENNY- What if they need to stretch?INSIDIOUS- And if you need to stretch, get up and walk around and stretch. But be

quick about it!

(If people start to stand, have Dr. Insidious say…)

INSIDIOUS- Not yet! Wait until I dismiss you! (to the other characters) Lenny, stayhere and keep an eye on this stage. Nobody goes in, nobody goes out. Jack, findout where we are and how we get out of here.

JACK- How?INSIDIOUS- Talk to people. Network.JACK- Oh, okay.LENNY- What are you going to do, Doc?INSIDIOUS- Me? I have to “go.” All right, folks, you’re dismissed! Be back in fifteen

minutes.

(Dr. Insidious exits to the restroom.)

END OF ACT ONE

37

INTERMISSION

During intermission…

DR. INSIDIOUS goes to the restroom, then mingles with the audience in character,giving campaign type speeches about when he will rule the world, answeringquestions about himself, etc.

LENNY stays down front, sitting on the edge of the stage. He stays in character, talkingto audience members if they come by, and vigorously keeps people from going onthe stage or back stage.

JACK mingles in the audience asking where he is, what the theater is called, where theairport is, how far the city is from Atlantic City. He, too, stays in character.

ANNETTE goes to the techs, looks over the play, and asks to speak to the stage manager/director. During this activity, she gets a hold of playwright Susan Donen’s phonenumber. She needs to borrow a cell phone before the start of Act Two.

38

ACT TWO

Reason

39

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

(Jack walks down front of the auditorium. Lenny still sits on the stage's edge, reading his

script.)

LENNY- So where are we, Jack?JACK- Turns out we're in some dump called Louisville.*

(*Replace with the city where the play takes place.)

LENNY- Louisville*? The armpit of civilization?JACK- I know. Guess it was too much to hope a wormhole would open up on Venice

Beach.LENNY- Too bad. Hey, check this out. I found a listing of character descriptions. Did

you know the boss and his old lady were married in Vegas by an Elvisimpersonator?

JACK- No way! You're serious?LENNY- Listen. "…she fell in love with Dr. Insidious when taken captive during one of

his earliest capers, the hijacking of an ice cream truck. He went to prison, but shewrote to him and visited him. Upon breaking out of jail, Dr. Insidious went to seeHelen and ask for her hand in marriage. They were married in Vegas by an Elvisimpersonator. After the ceremony, Dr. Insidious killed the Elvis impersonator androbbed the Mirage."

JACK- Cool! Now that's how I want to get married!LENNY- Oh, you’ll love these bits about the Triumvirate.JACK- Read it!LENNY- Here’s Morbidman’s description: “Real name is Scott Brooder, the famous

billionaire bachelor and philanthropist. Seems every day of his life has beenworse than the day before, making every day he lives the worst day of his life. Hehas seen his parents, his dog, his cat, his gerbil, his faithful butler, his threegirlfriends, and the President of Pottsylvania murdered. Nothing ever goes rightfor him.”

JACK & LENNY- (faking sympathy) Awww….LENNY- This is the best part. “He is generally considered to be a joke by the populace,

kind of the Ed McMahon to the Supreme Diva's Johnny Carson.”JACK- Classic. How about Everyman?LENNY- “A clueless, misguided, but well intentioned accountant named Paul Schwartz

puts on a suit, tie, and mask to become Everyman, the hero of the people… He'snot a very good super hero, and he usually gets his butt kicked. On a morepositive note, Everyman IS more intelligent than Morbidman, at least according tothe Mensa testing.”

JACK- Really? Well, you learn something new every day.LENNY- “Master of the Obvious. No one knows where he came from or his full real

name is… Some believe this power came to him when a meteor crashed outside

40

of town three years ago. The man behind the mask must have been in the vicinityand picked up some super powers. Others think he’s a hack, wanna-be hero.”

JACK- Survey says?JACK & LENNY- Hack, wanna-be hero.JACK- This is great stuff. Hey, what does it say about the boss?LENNY- Let me see. " Dr. Don Insidious (who holds doctorates in zoology, archaeology,

and Phys. Ed.) is the bane of Terminus City. He blames Scott Brooder (who heknows is Morbidman)…"

JACK- Well, duh!

(Dr. Insidious enters the auditorium and walks down front.)

LENNY- "…for his fall from grace. Dr. Insidious wrote and presented a paper at theuniversity about a new form of study that could be used to predict and guide thefuture, psychohistory. But Scott was quick to point out that this “new” theory wasa fictional science created by Isaac Asimov in the Foundation books."

JACK- He tried to pass of psychohistory as his own? What a dope!

(Dr. Insidious clears his throat. Jack and Lenny look sheepishly at him.)

JACK- I mean, what dope thought psychohistory was a bad idea! After all, it began withAsimov, and was, uh, perfected by Dr. Insidious, and--

INSIDIOUS- (snatches the script) Give me that! (reads) "Jack and Lenny are internsbrought on by Dr. Insidious to learn the business of being evil… Jack is abusiness management major. At first glance, he seems pretty much the samesimple-minded blockhead Lenny is, but is more than half intelligent, kind of likeblonde that worked for Robert Vaughn in Superman III."

JACK- Is that good or bad?INSIDIOUS- "Lenny is a marketing major. He is eager and enthusiastic about the

internship, but also scatterbrained and naiive."LENNY- (angrily) I am not… (not knowing the word) naiive? What does that mean?INSIDIOUS- (smacks Lenny in the head casually, then asks Jack) So what did you find

out from the audience?JACK- Well, we're in Louisville.*INSIDIOUS- The armpit of civilization?JACK- Yup.INSIDIOUS- Disappointing to say the least.JACK- Yes, but fortunately, there is an airport within driving distance.INSIDIOUS- Fabulous.LENNY- Except we don't have a car to drive.INSIDIOUS- So we'll get one.LENNY- How?INSIDIOUS- (sarcastic) We'll go to the car lot and buy one. Nit wit! We'll hijack one of

these good people once we get Kathy back.LENNY- Do you really think we can pull this off? Going into the real world and taking

over, I mean.

41

INSIDIOUS- Why do you ask?LENNY- Well, Annette was talking about the rest of the play…INSIDIOUS- Oh, give me break. She finds a script with our names in it and becomes the

authority?JACK- How can we know she's wrong?INSIDIOUS- Look at this cast list. Can any of these people really stop us? Morbidman?JACK- No.INSIDIOUS- Everyman?JACK & LENNY- No.INSIDIOUS- Master of the Obvious?JACK & LENNY- No.INSIDIOUS- Scorn?JACK & LENNY- No.INSIDIOUS- The Supreme Diva?LENNY- Maybe.INSIDIOUS- (grabs Lenny by the throat) I find your lack of faith rather disturbing.JACK- Boss, are there any new characters in there?INSIDIOUS- Like what?JACK- Like other real super heroes? Cops? Anyone who stops us from taking over the

real world?INSIDIOUS- Let's look. (flipping pages) Kathy… Scorn… Annette… The Narrator…

Susan Donen. (thoughtful pause) Where do I know that name?LENNY- The front cover, look! "By John Cosper and Susan Donen."JACK- The playwright appears in this play?INSIDIOUS- The only thing in her character description is "Co-author of this play."LENNY- What does it mean?INSIDIOUS- You know, Lenny, the more you talk, the more I feel it was grossly unfair

describing you as "naiive."LENNY- Thanks!JACK- Does that mean we're going to meet the playwright?

SCENE TWO

(Stage lights go up. A small table with a laptop is center. Susan Donen sits in a chair at

the table typing. A phone lies near the laptop on the table.)

NARR- As our story begins anew…INSIDIOUS- Shhh! The second act has begun!NARR- We arrive at the tiny apartment of a young writer. Blessed with a wonderful idea,

she called in sick to work today to form those ideas on her laptop.JACK- Who the heck is that?

(Susan looks up, as if she heard something.)

NARR- Who is this young woman? What is her connection to the heroes and villains inTerminus City?

42

LENNY- Got me.INSIDIOUS- Oh, isn't it pretty obvious? She's the only character in the cast we haven't

met.

(Susan's phone rings.)

SUSAN- Susan Donen.

(A spot shines on Annette at the rear of the room.)

ANNETTE- Hi, Susan, this is Annette.SUSAN- Who?ANNETTE- I need to talk to you, but I can't right now.SUSAN- Why not?ANNETTE- You're in great danger.

(Susan stands.)

SUSAN- What do you mean?ANNETTE- Three very dangerous men are watching you at this very moment.INSIDIOUS- What is she doing? She's giving us away.JACK- Shall we silence her?INSIDIOUS- No. We're going for Ms. Donen.ANNETTE- Get out of that room, quickly! They're coming!

(Dr. Insidious, Jack, Lenny leap on the stage. Susan jumps as they materialize through

the 4th

wall.)

SUSAN- What are you doing here?INSIDIOUS- Do you know who we are?SUSAN- Of course I do.ANNETTE- Run, Susan!INSIDIOUS- Get her!

(Susan drops the phone. Jack and Lenny grab Susan.)

ANNETTE- No!!!INSIDIOUS- Now we're making some progress.SUSAN- What do you want with me?INSIDIOUS- You know what I want!

(Dr.Insidious laughs an evil laugh as the lights go out. Annette runs down toward the

stage.)

SCENE THREE

43

ANNETTE- (holds up phone) Whose cell phone do I have?

(Annette returns the cell phone.)

ANNETTE- Now don't you people worry. Everything will be okay. I don't know how,but then again, that's not my problem.

SCENE FOUR

(Morbidman's lair. Morbidman is in his brooding chair. Master of the Obvious stands

nearby. Everyman paces.)

NARR- It has been two days since Morbidman and Everyman kidnapped Dr. Insidious'wife. The World Peace Conference at Terminus University has long passed, withevery delegation returning home safely… with the exception of the leader ofPottsylvania, who was killed in a coup de tat upon arriving home.

(Annette runs back towards the stage.)

ANNETTE- Morbidman!MORBIDMAN- That sounded like Annette!ANNETTE- It's me!

(Annette walks through the wall.)

MASTER- That woman walked right through that wall!MORBIDMAN- I told you, we've all done it.MASTER- I haven't.ANNETTE- I'm so glad to see you all.MORBIDMAN- We're glad to see you. Where's Dr. Insidious?ANNETTE- He entered the last scene and disappeared when the lights went out. He's

kidnapped Susan Donen!EVERYMAN- Who's Susan Donen?ANNETTE- The playwright! The one who created us!MORBIDMAN- You still believe we're fictional characters?ANNETTE- I had the evidence in my hands!MORBIDMAN- And where is it now?ANNETTE- Dr. Insidious has it.MORBIDMAN- Uh huh.ANNETTE- How else do you explain my coming through that wall?MORBIDMAN- I don't know.ANNETTE- Face up to reality.EVERYMAN- What is reality? Is it out there? In here? If we're only fictional characters

in a play, there's no reality to face up to.MORBIDMAN- Good one.EVERYMAN- Thanks.

44

(Kathy enters with a plate of brownies.)

KATHY- Here you go, boys! Chocolate walnut brownies.

(Morbidman, Everyman, and Master of the Obvious greedily surround Kathy and partake

of the brownies.)

MORBIDMAN- What do you think of the brownies, guys? Taste pretty real?EVERYMAN- Tastes real to me.MASTER- These are delicious.KATHY- Thanks. (to Annette) Want to try one?ANNETTE- No thanks.KATHY- You know, Morbidman, at first I wasn't crazy about being kidnapped. But I

must say it was worth it just to cook with that Viking stove of yours.MORBIDMAN- Thank you.ANNETTE- There is no Viking stove.KATHY-Yes there is. Right up stairs.ANNETTE- There is no upstairs. There is this room which exists for fleeting moments on

a theatrical stage. Then you walk out of the room and disappear back stage.EVERYMAN- Really? I haven't seen back stage.ANNETTE- Go look for yourself.EVERYMAN- Okay, I will.

(Everyman exits.)

EVERYMAN- I'm in the hall!

(Sound of someone ascending a staircase.)

EVERYMAN- I'm going up stairs.KATHY- Be careful up top! I just waxed the kitchen--

(Sound of someone falling down stairs.)

KATHY- Floor.

(Everyman enters, limping. Kathy exits.)

EVERYMAN- What do you think of that, Annette? That sound real to you.ANNETTE- Sounded real, but it wasn't.EVERYMAN- Then where did I get this limp?ANNETTE- From the script. I read this exact scene while you all were in Dr. Insidious'

house.MORBIDMAN- All right then, smarty pants. What happens next?ANNETTE- You and Everyman butt heads and Master of the Obvious says, "Amazing."

45

EVERYMAN- Oh please, Morbidman and I are best buds. We've never come close to anargument.

(The red phone rings. Everyman and Morbidman lean over the desk to answer and

literally butt heads, hard. Morbidman straightens, while Everyman falls down.)

MASTER- Amazing.

(Morbidman answers the phone.)

MORBIDMAN- Yes, Commissioner?… How did you get this number?… No, he's nothere. I'm not him! Wrong number!!!

(Morbidman hangs up.)

MORBIDMAN- It's the Diva. She wants to come over and chat.EVERYMAN- Tell her to go away.MORBIDMAN- She's upstairs.SUPREME DIVA- (off) Yoo hoo! Boys!MORBIDMAN- Everyone, into the audience!ANNETTE- But I thought you didn't believe--MORBIDMAN- Go NOW!

(Morbidman, Everyman, Annette, and Master of the Obvious jump off the stage.)

MASTER- This is a theater!MORBIDMAN- Yes, it is.MASTER- There are people here!MORBIDMAN- Will you hush?

(The Diva and Kathy enter. Kathy still has brownies.)

KATHY- That's funny. They were just in here.SUPREME DIVA- Guys, are you hiding from me again?KATHY- I just remembered. They probably went through the wall.SUPREME DIVA- The wall?KATHY- Yes. Just walk through that wall over there and you'll find them. Here, follow

me.MORBIDMAN- (stage whisper) She's bringing her out here?

(Kathy walks off the stage. The Diva follows.)

KATHY- There you are.MORBIDMAN- Hi, Kathy.KATHY- Your friend is here to see you.MORBIDMAN- Yeah, thanks.

46

KATHY- Wow, so the story is true! A theater full of people! Would any of you like somebrownies?

(Kathy distributes the remaining brownies in the audience, preferably to kids.)

SUPREME DIVA- So?MORBIDMAN- So… you're probably wondering what this means.SUPREME DIVA- Let me guess: we're fictional characters living in a fictional world that

exists only within the frame work of a play.ANNETTE- You catch on fast.SUPREME DIVA- Advanced powers of logic. It's one of the super powers the men in the

UFO gave me.MASTER- The men in the UFO didn't give you any powers. The playwrights did when

they developed your character.MORBIDMAN- Whose side are you on?MASTER- My super power is to state the obvious. That's my only job, and I'm going to

do it to the best of my abilities.ANNETTE- We're wasting time! Dr. Insidious and his men have kidnapped the

playwright.MASTER- They may be trying to get her to write a new end to the story: one in which

they become real and take over the world.SUPREME DIVA- Oh no! We've got to stop them.MORBIDMAN- What do you mean we? You're not a member of the Triumvirate.SUPREME DIVA- No, but I do live within the same world you do, and if we truly are

characters in a play, I have a lot of questions for the one who created me.EVERYMAN- Like what?SUPREME- Why am I here? Why was I made the way I am? What is my purpose in life?EVERYMAN- To fight crime.MORBIDMAN- No, old friend. If we were created characters in a play, our creator must

have had a deeper reason to create us than fighting crime. After all, we can'tcombat crime in the real world. We can't do anything to shape the events whichhappen on this side of the stage. We must have a purpose beyond crime fighting,beyond entertainment. And I, too, wish to know what that purpose is. Annette,guys, Diva, let's fulfill our destiny.

(Morbidman leads everyone except Kathy back on stage.)

MORBIDMAN- To Dr. Insidious' house! Go!

(Everyone runs off stage. Blackout.)

SCENE FIVE

KATHY- Well where did everybody go? Did they leave me?

(Wait for response.)

47

KATHY- That wasn't very nice. How are the brownies?

(Wait for response.)

KATHY- I'm so glad you enjoy them. By the way, while we have this moment together, Imust share something on my heart. I'm sure a lot of you wonder what a womanlike me is doing with a guy like Dr. Insidious. I know, he's a super villain, andmany of the things he does are mean and wrong, but… there's a softer side to himthat only I know. He gives wonderful massages, he has a garden full of roseswhich he himself tends, and he writes the most beautiful poetry. Yes, he's evil,and mean, and often more violent than I'd like him to be, but he treats me like alamb, and I adore him.

SCENE SIX

(Dr. Insidious' house. A typewriter is on the table, and Susan is seated in front of the

typewriter.)

NARR- Meanwhile, at Dr. Insidious' house, Susan Donen remains a captive in theclutches of the mad doctor and his interns.

INSIDIOUS- Here's what I want: supreme executive power over all the nations of theworld. I want super powers like you gave the Diva: bulletproof skin, laser eyebeams, you know, the works.

SUSAN- I can't do that.INSIDIOUS- Why not?SUSAN- I just can't! Nothing I can do will give you super powers or world domination.

Not in the real world.INSIDIOUS- Are you not Susan Donen, the playwright?SUSAN- Yes.INSIDIOUS- Did you not collaborate with John Casper--SUSAN- It's COSPER, with an O, not an A. Get it right!INSIDIOUS- Did you not co-write this play with him?SUSAN- That's what the script says.INSIDIOUS- Then give me what I want!SUSAN- I could give you supreme power over this artificial world. I can make you

mayor of Terminus City, or Emperor of the world, but nothing I can do will makeyou real.

INSIDIOUS- Boys, you feel like dishing out a little torture?SUSAN- It won't work.INSIDIOUS- We could be very cruel if we choose.SUSAN- But you won't choose cruelty unless I allow you. You can't do anything to me

without mine and John's consent.INSIDIOUS- Prove it.

(Susan nods at Lenny, who grabs a chair and hits Jack with it.)

48

JACK- OWWW!!! What was that for?LENNY- I dunno.INSIDIOUS- Oh, why did you have to go and make Lenny do that?SUSAN- You wanted proof of my ability.INSIDIOUS- But if you're so all powerful, how were we able to capture you?SUSAN- You honestly don’t know?INSIDIOUS- Tell me!SUSAN- I can’t.INSIDIOUS- Why not?SUSAN- Everything will be revealed in its proper time.

(Kathy steps on the stage.)

KATHY- Pumpkin!INSIDIOUS- Sweetie pie!

(Kathy and Dr. Insidious share a cutesy hug and kiss.)

INSIDIOUS- I was so worried about you. How did you get away?KATHY- We all walked into the audience through the wall. Then the good guys went

back on stage, while I stayed in the audience and waited for the next scenechange. By the way, Scott has a Viking stove. I have to have one.

INSIDIOUS- Where is dear old Scott?KATHY- Oh he's on his way over here with the gang.INSIDIOUS- Master of the Obvious and Everyman?KATHY- Yes, and Annette, and that darling little girl. The Supreme Diva!

(Kathy exits. Jack and Lenny look at each other.)

JACK- Bye, boss!

(Jack and Lenny run for the door.)

INSIDIOUS- Hey, hey, hey, where do you think you're going?JACK- I'm not fighting the Diva again!LENNY- Me neither.SUSAN- She won't hurt you this time.JACK- How do you know?LENNY- Dude, she's the playwright, remember?SUSAN- Duh!JACK- We have your word on that?SUSAN- You do.JACK- I guess we're safe.

(Everyman flies in from the kitchen and tackles Jack and Lenny.)

49

EVERYMAN- Not from me, you aren't!

(Morbidman, Annette and the Diva enter.)

MORBIDMAN- This was not the plan. The plan was we enter together, not Everymansteam rolls the interns.

JACK- Hey, leave Everyman alone. He saw his opening and he went for it.MORBIDMAN- He wasn't being a team player.JACK- Maybe not, but he is smarter than you.MORBIDMAN- He is not.JACK- He is, too! He scored higher on you on his Mensa test.EVERYMAN- How do you know that?LENNY- It's in your character description on page two.EVERYMAN- Cool.INSIDIOUS- Enough! Look, heroes, I'll make a deal with you. You can have Terminus

City and this imaginary world. I want the real enchilada. Let me go and rule thereal world in peace, and I promise, your play will run forever on Broadway.

ANNETTE- You can't rule the real world!INSIDIOUS- And why not?SUSAN- Because I don't have that authority.INSIDIOUS- What do you mean?SUSAN- In this world, on this stage, I have absolute power. I can make Lenny grab a

chair and hit his best friend for no reason. I can make heroes out of ordinary guyslike Everyman. But step off the stage, and I'm no different than you. LikeShakespeare said, I'm just a player, like you, on a stage much bigger than me.

(Scorn enters the room with a knife to Kathy's throat.)

SCORN- Listen up, everyone!INSIDIOUS- Oh, no.SCORN- I don't care who rules what, who's good, or who’s bad. I have a score to settle

with Scott and the Doctor.INSIDIOUS- No you don't.SCORN- Oh yes I do!MORBIDMAN- Scorn, it wasn't real. The bomb, our date, it never happened. It was all

back story.SCORN- You're putting me on.MORBIDMAN- We're characters in a play. This is Susan Donen, one of the playwrights.SUSAN- Hello, Scorn. You were always one of my favorites.SCORN- Hi. (thinking) So you're saying that none of that ever happened?MORBIDMAN- Exactly.SCORN- And that this is all… just imaginary?SUSAN- Yes.

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SCORN- (lets go of Kathy) So I have no reason to hang on to the bitterness that led me towear this ridiculous costume and roam the night when all I really want to do issleep in my warm, comfy bed with my Teddy bear named Everson?

MORBIDMAN- That's what we're saying.SCORN- Step back, everyone. There's something I've always wanted to do.

(Music plays, something Gershwin/ Cole Porter/ Irving Berlin. Very happy, very peppy.

Scorn SINGS and TAP DANCES with a Smile. Lenny and Jack join her for the big

finish. When the song ends, everyone on stage claps.)

SCORN- You love me! You really love me!ANNETTE- Hold on a minute! That was totally out of character for Scorn.SUSAN- Very true, but as her creator I have the ability to change her. I can free her from

her bitterness, completely changing her personality and outlook.EVERYMAN- Can you change any of us like that?SUSAN- Easily.INSIDIOUS- But couldn’t we just as easily change ourselves?SUSAN- Not without my consent. I am your creator. Apart from me, you can do nothing.

But if I choose to intervene, you can do and become almost anything.JACK- We could force you to change the way things are.SUSAN- You can do nothing of the sort. Don’t you realize that if I hadn’t written myself

into the play, you would never have had the opportunity to meet me? I chose to bea part of your world, and to allow you to abduct me.

MORBIDMAN- Why would you do that?

(Susan walks to the Diva and Morbidman.)

SUSAN- You have already concluded that you weren’t created simply to fight crime. Ihad another reason to breathe life into you. All of you. I have a message that mustbe delivered. (to Diva) Christina, you are a brilliant star shining in this world. Youhave used your super power gifts honorably. (to the Triumvirate) Scott, Paul, Ed,bold warriors of the Triumvirate, if heart and courage were all it took to defeatevil, no force in the universe could pose a threat to Terminus City.

EVERYMAN- Was that a compliment?SUSAN- Jack and Lenny, dear Dr. Insidious, without you there could be no drama.

Kathy, you are a portrait of unconditional love. Scorn, Andrea, you have becomean example for those who have suffered in life. No matter how deeply a person iswounded, they can learn to be joyful again. And Annette, your inquisitive mindled to the discoveries I wanted you to find. You are all my children. I created eachone of you to be unique, and every one played their part in my plan. Without you,this message would never reach its audience.

LENNY- So I don’t get it. Who’s the message for? Is it us guys? Them guys? Scorn?Mrs. I? The Diva?

MASTER- We are not the audience. The message is for the people in the theater.ALL (EXCEPT MASTER)- It is?MASTER- Certainly.

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MORBIDMAN- How do you know this?MASTER- I believe it was Aristotle who first defined drama as an imitation of life. Being

that we are players within a play, it stands to reason that our story is, in fact, areflection of real life, thus making the things we have discovered applicable to theaudience.

MORBIDMAN- So tell us the message!MASTER- Isn't it obvious?MORBIDMAN- No, Ed, we weren't blessed with your vision of the obvious. Tell us!MASTER- Beyond this stage lies a world of conflict, infested with pain, suffering, and

death. It is a world populated by people just like us, wounded by the cruelties andinjustices of life, yearning to be free of their pain. But just as Susan and Johncreated our world, a mighty Creator watches over his people, yearning to set themfree. He loves his people, so much that he became one of them, just like Susan, inorder to offer them a new hope. And He alone has the power to touch them andtransform their lives, just like he did for Scorn.

EVERYMAN- That was beautiful.INSIDIOUS- That was depressing.

(Dr. Insidious sits down, depressed.)

KATHY- Oh, what's the matter, my little punkin?INSIDIOUS- Oh nothing. Just that the dream of a life time has been shattered.KATHY- Aww.INSIDIOUS- All my life, I've worked and slaved towards my greatest goal - total world

domination - only to find out that the world is already ruled by a couple ofplaywrights.

SUSAN- Dear Dr. Insidious, it's not like you to give up like this.INSIDIOUS- Why do you say-- Oh, I forgot. You made me, you should know.SUSAN- Doctor, I may have created you and the world you live in, but the towns and

states and nations in your world are ruled by other created beings like you.INSIDIOUS- What do you mean?SUSAN- Who's Mayor of Terminus City?INSIDIOUS- Stephen Robinson.SUSAN- President of the United States?INSIDIOUS- George W. Reagan.SUSAN- The Premier of Russia?INSIDIOUS- Vladimir Andropov… (gets her point) Oh, I think I understand now. You

made the world, but you're not the one running the show. It's the Presidents andDictators and Premiers and Prime Ministers of the world!

SUSAN- Meaning?INSIDIOUS- I still have a hope of ruling the world!KATHY- Oh, darling!INSIDIOUS- You're not fooling with me?SUSAN- Not at all.INSIDIOUS- I'll have another shot at ruling the world?SUSAN- At the very next World Peace Conference!

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INSIDIOUS- Oh happy day! This calls for a celebration!KATHY- I'm so happy for you, sugar bear. Let me make you a chocolate layer cake.INSIDIOUS- No! Not tonight, my dear.KATHY- What do you mean?INSIDIOUS- I'm taking you out! We're going to Chez Pierre!JACK- The French restaurant!LENNY- Oh, boss, you're too kind.INSIDIOUS- Who said anything about you bums?KATHY- Oh, come on, Don. They've worked hard the past couple of hours.INSIDIOUS- Okay, guys. But you're sitting at a separate table.JACK- Fair enough!LENNY- Woo hoo!

(The villains all leave through the door of the house..)

MASTER- You neglected to tell them something.SUSAN- Which was?MASTER- That the next World Peace Conference will be the same one they missed

tonight.SUSAN- True.EVERYMAN- What do you mean?SUSAN- The curtain is about to fall. The play will end, and the audience will leave. But

there will be another audience, another night, and another performance. Anotheropportunity to share the call of the Creator with his people.

EVERYMAN- You mean the same story will happen all over again?SUSAN- Uh huh.EVERYMAN- Aww, man. I don't wanna get beat up again. I should just give it up. I'm

not a good hero.SUPREME DIVA- You're the greatest hero of us all, Everyman. If it wasn't for you

getting beat up, we never would have discovered the audience, or fulfilled ourdestiny.

MASTER- The Diva's right. You are a hero.EVERYMAN- Thanks, Ed.SCORN- So, Scotty, now that I'm a good girl again, wanna go out?MORBIDMAN- What's the point? The next time we meet, you'll just be evil again.SCORN- Aww, come on. Haven't you ever heard of a sequel?MASTER- And it would make for a nice, happy ending.MORBIDMAN- Not for me. There can be no happy end for Morbidman, for mine is a

life of suffering.SCORN- Fine. Everyman, Master of the Obvious, Diva, let's party.EVERYMAN- Woo hoo!SUPREME DIVA- I'm in. See ya, Scott.SUSAN- Bye, guys.

(The Diva, Scorn, Master of the Obvious, and Everyman exit through the front door.)

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MORBIDMAN- Well, I guess I should make my own exit. Farewell, Susan, Annette.Perhaps we will meet again. In the meantime, rest assured I will not rest in myquest for justice.

(Morbidman exits. Sound of pots and pans crashing. He reenters.)

SUSAN- Try the front door.MORBIDMAN- Thank you.

(Morbidman exits.)

ANNETTE- Looks like it's time to go.SUSAN- The lights will go down, the audience will be returned to their own world.ANNETTE- As will you.SUSAN- Not me. I'm a part of this place, just as you are. When the play ends, I will fade

from sight with you. But I'll be back, just as you will.ANNETTE- Will the audience be different when they leave here?SUSAN- (shrugs) We've done what we can. The rest is up to them. You ready to go?ANNETTE- I just have one more question.SUSAN- Oh?

(Annette and Susan walk towards the front door.)

ANNETTE- I was wondering… what happens… when the curtain falls on the audience.SUSAN- You mean what happens when they die?ANNETTE- For us, the curtain will fall and then rise again at another time. Will they…

will they live again?SUSAN- (smiles) If they trust their Creator… they will.

(Susan opens the door.)

ANNETTE- Where? How?

(Annette steps through the door. Susan steps through in her next line.)

SUSAN- I think we'll leave that a mystery for now.

(Susan closes the door, leaving a stage free of actors. Blackout.)

END OF ACT TWO