Louise Gillett: Surviving Schizophrenia: A Memoir

CHAPTER TWO, I AM A WRITER! During a break from university,

Louise had become psychotic at her sister’s house and had been

sectioned. She thought she was God in a human form. She was not

soothed or comforted, she was contained. As she refused

medication, she was regularly injected forcibly by the nurses. She

ran out of the hospital down the drive holding pen and shouting that

‘I am a writer!’ She was dragged back by the nurses (cf the lady

Rugby tacked by the Yugoslavian nurse at Redwood Ward gardens.)

CHAPTER FIVE, A VOLUNTARY PATIENT. She is considered a

danger around the hospital, whereas she has in her previous life

been largely disregarded. She has been classified as dangerous due

to an unspecified illness, even though she has never attempted to

harm others or herself. She must accept this enforced personality

change. She goes out and is always back by mealtime. No-one tells

her the 28 day section has expired, and if she could leave she

doesn’t know where to. (Like John O’Donoghue.) She thought that

everything was an intelligence test or a code or message, so she

selects Raspberry Fool for pudding and Lamb of Navarine as she was

the Lamb of God to be sacrificed. (cf Peter Chadwick and my

experiences.) She thought the staff were mocking her through the

menu and she retaliated by choosing items for their code not taste.

(cf My menu choices over a week at Hellingly.) She covers her spots

up with make-up (eg Jenny W). She is a fashionista with clothes, a

Mod. She is lucky to have visitors. Her mother is distraught at her

daughter being in hospital, if only she could have cared more when

Louise was younger. She feels her baby nephew has stolen all the

thoughts in her mind. (cf A at Southdown eating her brain?)Her

university friends visit her, but only once usually. She phones people

up and begs them to visit. In lucid periods she is ashamed at what

she has become. Her visitors tell her to only speak to the nurses,

but they are in the office and she is knocking outside.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR, 885 Christchurch Road: Her life in

straightened circumstances does not make sense for her, the good

times seem to have melted away. Summer 1982...there is no space

for a living room above the shop as all rooms are bedrooms for the

seven family members. She passes her 11-plus and goes to the

grammar school, Bournemouth School for Girls. Jean the

housekeeper is still with the family. She shares an attic room with

sister Jane and they have a small b&w TV. They look out onto a

coffee bar where longhairs go and they yearn to go to the 896

Coffee Bar. When her mother is difficult one evening, she protests

and wets her bed. Jane tells her Mum who is very angry.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE, 99 Red Balloons: She and Jane feel

sorry for sister Mandy who bears the brunt of their father’s anger.

He orders Mandy to leave home, which she does. She never comes

back, and gets good A Levels, goes travelling, and is offered a place

at the LSE. Mandy stops to say goodbye on her way abroad and her

father just swears at her (cf Reg and sleeping in the shed?) (Reg

didn’t swear). Mandy is better off out of the family. Jane and Louise

stay in their shared room in case their father resumes ‘bollockings’

in Mandy’s room. They listen to 99 Red Balloons on low volume as

their soundtrack while there is ranting and bellowing from

downstairs. (cf Me missing out on Heavy Metal and Punk at Hellingly.)

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN, Smoking: She writes to old friends

at boarding school (Roedean?) and writes to her old friends about

her ‘new life and boyfriends.’ No-one writes back. (cf Me in 2013

except for John G.) Now she smokes. She hides her unhappiness,

and life at home is grim, with her father going to the casino a lot (cf

Palm Beach Club) and the parents still smoke a lot – never short.

Jean looks after them, there is always food and they are warm. She

remains proud of her academic ability (cf Me at school and

Reading.) She used to love writing poems and stories but they are

not included at BGS. She reads avidly. She joins a group of rebels

at the bike sheds and is bullied into smoking cigarettes and soon

becomes addicted. She is addicted (cf Me in 1966) and looks

forward to tea and a fag. She finds ways of financing the smoking by

fiddling bus fares and other ruses to raise cash. One girl always

agrees to her scams and she is eternally grateful to that girl (cf

Lady at Redwood who lent me cash for cigs.) Louise cannot see

very well and she chooses not to wear her spectacles through vanity.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE, Cannabis: She slips into a druggie life

and gets paranoid, scared and panicky. This from the first and for

all times when she smokes dope. She becomes addicted so every

smoke is a relief, this despite the reputation of cannabis being non-

addictive – she finds it is addictive. She craves company without it

having to be sociable (What a good way of putting it.) She never

tries hard drugs, but some of her friends do. She has relationships

which involve kissing and heavy petting, and avoids actual sex. She

works hard, and has jobs that give her pocket money. She lies about

her age to work in a bakery and gets away with it after a few

scrapes. School is unsatisfactory but there are no great upheavals.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE, Oxbridge: She takes lots of time off

school and does her homework during lessons, she does enough

revision to pass her tests. Miss Longhurst thinks she can get to

Oxbridge. She was told previously at Roedean that she can get to

Oxbridge, but she is very bad at speaking up by now, and fears an

Oxbridge interview. However Miss Longbridge never mentions this

again and the teachers don’t know she smokes dope. They don’t know

about her home life. Cigarette smells in the house, dog shit in the

garden. Her mother succumbs, as full time work at the hospital and

not enough money take their toll. They have nothing new, not even

shoes or clothes. No holidays. Her mother is permanently drunk.

Her home life is fragmented and she is chronically shy, she is a shell

of a person.

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO, University: At 6th form college she

smokes a lot of dope, hardly attends classes yet gets through the

first year exams and goes to Glastonbury to celebrate. She blushes

a lot. She is in a relationship with Dave and they both give up

cigarettes and dope. Dave gives her an 18th birthday party (cf Seal

Hollow House), and after getting 3 ‘B’ grades she goes to

Southampton University to study law. She commutes to Soton so

she can be with Dave at home. (cf Me at Reading and Clare P?) Her

blushing is a problem, and she is embarrassed when a lecturer asks if

anyone has had a brush with the law – she refrains from mentioning

her caution at age 16 for possessing cannabis. She dumps Dave as

she has a crush on a boy at university. At Easter she goes back and

starts to believe she is on a secret mission. She thinks she is a

spy after doing a related essay. She thinks she gives electric shocks

when touching others. She starts to smoke cigs and dope again.

Some visitors come to her flat, she thinks they are agents even

thought they introduce themselves as psychiatrists. She thinks they

have come to consult her as an oracle. She is ashamed she has

become so thin, and senses things are going wrong. She goes outside

to talk to the moon, and then some kids fire an airgun through the

window, and she knows the reason they can’t find the bullet is that it

is lodged in her heart and she is dead. Next day she reads in the

newspaper of a woman who has put a baby in the tumble drier – she

thinks that’s her and that she has done that to her nephew. She