05/07/2019

1

July 2019 © Oxleas NHS Foundation Trust

Name: Date course completed:

05/07/2019

2

THREE FACTS ABOUT NVR

1. NVR parent courses originated in Oxleas in 2006. Oxleas were the first provider of NVR parenting programmes in the UK.

2. The NVR course lasts

three months and introduces NVR tools and ideas, week by week, until the full toolkit is reached by the end of the course.

3. NVR was originally for parents of children who show violence. It is also very effective with ADHD, ASD, defiance, as well as significant anxiety. The age range is usually 10-17.

NVR is strongly influenced by the social-political movement of Non-Violent Resistance. In place of non-violent

political activism, there is non-

violent parental activism – a parental stance against destructive behaviours of children and adolescents. This parental stance is known as

Parental Presence.

05/07/2019

3

De-escalation

Reconciliation Gestures

Parental self care

Priorities (baskets)

Supporters

Sit Ins

Siblings

Announcements

Active Resistance

Parental Presence Inside home Outside home

Relationship Rebuilding

www.oxleas.nhs.uk/nvr NVR map © Oxleas NHS Foundation Trust (April 2019)

Child’s views & needs

De-

esca

lati

on

Bas

kets

Rec

on

cilia

tio

n G

estu

res

Act

ive

Res

ista

nce

Sup

po

rter

s &

Sel

f C

are

An

no

un

cem

ents

Sit-

ins

Parental Presence Rebuilding relationships

Connection before Correction

siblings child / young person

NVR PILLARS OF STRENGTH

05/07/2019

4

Impulsive actions,

spontaneous actions &

comments

X

Carefully planned

rehearsed actions &

comments

Stress usually leads to short-term thinking. It can be difficult to plan. If you can reduce stress, you can increase planning.

THE DELAY PRINCIPLE OF NVR

Notes

05/07/2019

5

A more realistic view of change

Parents (understandably) want quick change

3 months

An even more realistic view

NVR tool

NVR tool

NVR tool NVR

tool

The NVR process of change is usually characterised by a ‘two steps forward, one step back, process of change. This change still moves in the right direction but can feel slow and uneven with bumps and setbacks along the way. NVR tools keep hope alive when these setbacks take place.

NVR tool

05/07/2019

6

The Parent Line

Anything-goes Warm / Firm Super-strict (permissive) (authoritative) (authoritarian)

05/07/2019

7

With thanks to Lesley Wyvill, Parent Facilitator.

‘SOFTER’ NVR TOOLS; ‘HARDER’ NVR TOOLS

The parent line

Temperaments

Strong-willed

Active

Easy-going

Shy

05/07/2019

8

Experimenters

Risk-takers

Co-operators

Non Co-operators

Internal Depression, Anxiety, Self harm, OCD, ASD External

ADHD, ODD, Defiance, Conduct, ASD

‘Teenager Types’

NVR parenting course, Pete Brown, April 2019

NVR works with this group

NVR works with this group

The three-part brain

05/07/2019

9

De-escalation is the first step in NVR. Meeting fire-with-fire escalates anger and damages relationships. Meet fire-with-water.

There are two types of escalation: Joint escalation and Giving-in escalation.

Try to avoid confrontations in the heat-of-the-moment .

STRIKE WHEN

THE IRON IS

COLD

Notes

05/07/2019

10

Parental Presence (sometimes called Parental Influence) is both your physical presence and your presence in your child’s mind. Parental Presence is when your child has your values and ideas in his or her mind in your presence, and just as importantly, in your absence. Parental Presence is central to NVR. When escalation is high, parental presence is always low.

Notes

05/07/2019

11

The baskets technique helps to prioritise issues such as problematic attitudes and behaviours . Large: Issues that you will now

ignore. These will be classified as MBI’s (minor-but-irritating).

Medium: Issues that you may work on but which are not the most serious.

Small: One or two issues only. Always the most serious or dangerous ones.

Notes

05/07/2019

12

A fourth basket builds a bridge between baskets and Reconciliation Gestures The Rainbow basket. Things you like (or liked) about your child which have become lost or hidden overtime. This basket can increase in size.

Notes

05/07/2019

13

There are four kinds of Reconciliation or Re-connecting Gestures. All emphasise Connection before Correction.

Shared Activities: the importance of one-on-

one time. This does not need to be for long periods and helps to strengthen the parent – child relationship.

Reflective Listening: listening for a short

period (3-5 mins) without interrupting, or offering advice, solutions or parental lectures.

Acts of kindness: small gifts or small things

you do for your child to show you care (not rewards for good behaviour).

Connecting Comments: noticing positive

aspects of your child and commenting on these regularly, often at ‘cold iron’ moments. Often a ‘metaphorical magnifying glass’ can help to find hidden qualities to comment on.

* Also known as:

• Re-connecting Gestures

• Relational Gestures

Notes

05/07/2019

14

Parental Disobedience: Parents often report that they feel like servants. These are subtle actions that promote children doing more things for themselves.

Resisting Comments: An array of pre-planned effective short comments that address medium & small basket issues using the ‘cold iron’ approach.

Breaking the silence: Taking action to address danger / risks such as a ‘telephone round’ or asking supporters to contact the child. These actions often move the hidden aspects of the child's behaviour, (often held there by parental shame), out into the open. Active Resistance can take place at different levels - low, medium and high. The level of vigilance depends on the level of risk.

Parents may use an Imaginary Shield to protect themselves from a child’s heated

reactions to active resistance tools & techniques.

‘It is not whether to resist, but rather how to resist’

Notes

05/07/2019

15

‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can break hearts’ (Tim Minchin)

Connection Before

Correction

Descriptive

Downbeat

Delayed

With both connecting and resting comments, we think of the three D’s and the three T’s...

Notes

05/07/2019

16

Supporters are helpful people who support the NVR parenting process. The range of supporters can be varied. Supporters are an essential part of the NVR process.

Practical supporters: on hand to offer child care or other useful support.

Emotional supporters: listen warmly to your concerns without judgment.

Child/Sibling supporters: People who may spend time with the child or text the child to help support change, or spend time with siblings.

Supporters can be very varied: They may be • friends or professionals, • animals or pets that offer comfort, • inspirational or religious figures, • other parents on the NVR journey! Adversaries (false supporters): Some supporters say they support you, but if you regularly feel undermined or put down, you may need to re-evaluate their input.

Notes

05/07/2019

17

Closely linked to supporters is the notion of parental self care. The idea is similar to the safety instruction sheet found on aircraft. To be able to manage difficult childhood issues, parents have to look after themselves, otherwise they risk ‘running on empty’. Stressed and tired parents tend to Overreact to MBI’s (Minor-but-irritating issues) Get caught up with Fault Finding (the correction before connection trap). See the world through a half-empty glass.

Notes

05/07/2019

18

This ‘review’ week offers the opportunity to recap on the NVR

process so far and helps to consolidate learning.

Notes

05/07/2019

19

Announcements are usually written statements (or audio recordings) to oneself, the child, and sometimes to siblings.

Self Announcement: A private written (non-blaming) statement that parents may write to themselves that reflects on past or present issues that may have affected their parenting.

Child Announcement: A written statement , text or message that attends to the parental duty to address the small basket behaviours.

Announcement variations: • Reminder Announcement: Further brief written note

to remind child (and parent) about the ongoing resistance to the small basket issue(s).

• Mini Announcement: These may be given in note or text form and usually focus on a less severe issue (such as a medium basket behaviour).

• Positive Announcement: Written note or text that can supplement Reconciliation Gestures and the rainbow basket.

• Sibling Announcement: See ‘siblings’ slide.

Notes

05/07/2019

20

Sit-ins are powerful tools that traditionally ‘sit’ under the umbrella of active resistance.

Traditional sit-in: following the child

announcement, if the small basket behaviour remains unchanged, or following a further episode of unacceptable behaviour, the parent(s) enter the child’s bedroom and ask the child to suggest a solution.

New sit-in: This type of sit-in offers a more

collaborative stance and sees the solution as a joint approach rather than asking the child to suggest a solution. The ‘sit in’ may take place in varied settings such as during a walk, on a car journey, in a school or in the child’s bedroom.

Re-connecting sit-in: Based on

‘recovering conversations’ from Weinblatt, 2015, these include reconciliation comments and reflections. These ideas work especially well when a parent is well versed and grounded in earlier NVR ideas and techniques.

Notes

05/07/2019

21

All of the NVR tools can be used with siblings, especially the following

RECONCILIATION GESTURES (to help keep strong connections) and

ACTIVE RESISTANCE (to support siblings manage feelings of dislike and retaliation).

ADAPTED ANNOUNCEMENTS might be given to siblings to explain the NVR process. This is a short letter / text that helps the sibling(s) to understand the parents positioning. e.g. the importance of trying to manage things more calmly which is not the same as ‘giving in’. Many parents report that siblings often respond faster to the use of NVR tools than the child with the particular issues.

Notes

05/07/2019

22

Just as Parental Presence seeps into the parent-child relationship during the NVR course, so views about the child / young person tend to change (increasing the size of the rainbow basket).

As the NVR course progresses, views about the child are now often seen through a more loving and supportive lens as re-connections take place.

Parent behaviours associated with ‘over-parenting’ usually become more measured through the use of the active resistance methods that work with a child’s over-dependency, secrecy or risk-taking.

Notes

05/07/2019

23

Once upon a time, a couple decided to start a

flower garden. They prepared the soil and planted the seeds of many beautiful flowers. But when they came up, the garden was filled with dandelions as well as other flowers. Advice was sought from gardeners far and wide and diligently they tried every known method to rid the garden of dandelions, but to no avail. Finally, they walked to the Royal Palace in order to speak to the Royal Gardener. The wise sage had counselled many gardeners before and suggested a variety of remedies to expel the troublesome dandelions. But these had all be tried by the couple already. They all sat together in silence for some time. Finally, the Old Gardener looked at the couple and said ‘Well, as the dandelions are here to stay, I suggest that you learn to love them’.

Notes

05/07/2019

24

NVR Evening Monthly parent support group,

Memorial Hospital, Shooters Hill, Woolwich, London, SE18 3RZ

(open to all parents /carers who have completed Oxleas or Royal Borough of Greenwich NVR parent courses)

pete.brown2@nhs.net © Oxleas NHS Foundation Trust, 2019

www.oxleas.nhs.uk/nvr © Oxleas NHS Foundation Trust, 2019

• Nonviolent Resistance. Haim Omer (2004). Cambridge University Press

• Non-violent Resistance Programme Handbook. Liz Day and Elisabeth Heismann (2010) Pavilion.

• Parental Vigilant Care. Haim Omer (Ed, 2017). • Non-violent Resistance Innovations in Practice. Liz Day,

Elisabeth Heismann and Julia Jude (Eds, 2019). Pavilion. • www.oxleas.nhs.uk/nvr