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DECEMBER 1998 SOMA

TEXT: JIM HANAS

Inthe beginning, there were two versions of what men

wanted. Playboy and Esquire. Ass and attitude. Like Isaacand Ishmael, the Biblical half-brothers whose descendantswent on to found major world religions, both magazinesfathered lines of glossy progeny that extend down to the

present day. Playboy, despite its by no means ass-exclusivefocus, issued in all manner of wank-books and beaver-shot cata­logs, while Esquire gave rise to something cagier: the vague cat­egory of the men's magazine. While the former mostly sold sex,the latter sold everything else, from suits to sedans (with a littlesex left in just to be safe), and a lifestyle was born.

But lifestyles are like potato chips: it's hard to have just one.This late-breaking fact has led to a decade-long surge in men'smagazine start-ups, most of which share the conviction that thegood life longed for by the modern male lies somewhere near theintersection of Christina Applegate and Sportscenter. The propor­tions may vary, but the ingredients remain the same: Liberal por­tions of ass and attitude, blended together and garnished withads hawking toys to men. Oh-and somewhere along the line,rock-hard abs got thrown into the mix. Here, then, are a few ofthe more common recipes.

Maxim

Maxim's motto is "The Best Thing to Happen to Men sinceWomen," and we all know how well that worked out. According toMaxim, what men want are a) plots to extract revenge from boss­es and co-workers, b) endless techniques for tricking women intosleeping with them, c) new ways to get liquored up, and d) meth­ods for meaningfully ranking the size of their penises amongthose of the general population. In other words, Maxim may bethe most thoughtful men's magazine of all time.

Gear

Although the inaugural issue of Bob Guccione, Jr.'s new magazinefeatures a shout out to Playboy in the form of an interview withfounder Hugh Hefner- whom Junior credits with inventing the"modern men's magazine"-don't be fooled. Gear is pure Esquire.

Saying you subscribe to Playboy for the articles is agag even your mom gets. SaYing the same Qf Esquireis, or once was anyway, tne truth.

(If you still aren't clear on the differencebetween the two legacies, consider this:sayingyou subscribe to Playboy for the arti­cles is a gag even your mom gets. Sayingthe sameof Esquire is, or once was anyway,the truth.) All the parts are here: William T.Vollman in Iraq, a profile of George W.Bush,and a feature called "America's MostWanted."Esquire calls it "Women We Love."

MaybeGuccione, Jr. is trying to make itup to Hef for the sins of the father.Guccione,Sr.'s Penthouse, after all, is theknock-off largely responsible for' Hefner'srep as the father of all skin-mags.

Big Brother

Speakingof skin, the guys at my local skateshop assure me this testosterone-soakedshreddermag was much better-that is tosay, much more testosterone-soaked­before Larry Flynt bought it from skate­board manufacturer World Industries and

turned it into Hustler's big brother.Unbelievable,but apparently true.

Pre-Flynt issues included instructions

for killing yourself and calls for naked pic­tures of readers' girlfriends. A recent post­Flynt issue, on the other hand, has no nudi­ty to speak of. It does, however, instructreaderson how to construct a "gank buck"for ripping off vending machines and how tolevy revenge on enemies with a stink bomb

madeout of milk and a chicken leg. I thinksomebody'sgot a job at Maxim waiting forthem when they grow up.

Loaded

I remember when "British import" meant a12-inch of "The Boy with the Thorn in HisSide" b/w Something Positively Twee. Withthe rise of lad rags like Loaded, all that'schanged. Porn stars (particuJarly"Pornalikes," or porn stars who resemblefamous people), soccer thugs, and technomadness are the obsessions of this U.K.magazine"for men who should know bet­ter." Not to mention inscrutable French­

baiting, randy slang, and fashion spreadsthat prove, once and for all, that a camelovercoat hangs best when you're about tohurl a trashcan into something. As for twee­ness, well, there is this interview withPrince.

Icon Thoughtstyle

Not much ass here. Not all that much atti­

tudeeither. No abs at all. Just all profiles, allthetime. Big wordy profiles of actors, musi­cians, politicos, and athletes that are sureto intimidate readers of...

P.O. V.

Now,an important part of any men's mag­azinewould seem to be some form of hip-

ness, whether it's the unapologetic dude­ness of Maxim or the celebrity worship ofIcon. P.O.V., on the other hand seems to begiving it a go without all that, um, coolness.A recent issue asks the question "How CanI Read More?" and P.O. V. quotes MarkVictor Hansen, co-author of the extra-lame

stocking-stuffer Chicken Soup for the Soul,on the virtues of literacy. "Reading awakensthe mind, heart, and body," says Hansen."It allows you to make life's journey inter­esting, meaningful, purposeful, and impact-

ful." Impactful? Now there's a good namefor a men's magazine. It can take P.O. V. 'splace, just as soon as it folds.

Details and GO

As men's magazines become more andmore specialized, Conde Nast isn't takingany chances. Between these twin clothes

horses the publishing giant lays out a virtu­al smorgasbord of male lifestyle, and bothhave the advertising bulk to prove it. Don'twant to want to read about Yankee short­

stop Derek Jeter? Well, then, may we showyou something in a Matt Damon?

Men's Health and Men's Journal

Ultimately, there are two sorts of men'smagazines today-those that put women onthe cover and those that put men on thecover. A few, like Esquire and Details, mix itup from time to time, but you can be surethat their cover men are famous. Not so forMen's Health and Men's Journal. While the

men on their covers are not likely to befamous, they are certain to be ripped. Youshould dream of having such abs. For thatreason, it's easy to confuse the two. Here's

how you can tell the difference (it comesdown to priorities).

From Men's Health: "A bored bunch of

muscles isn't going to grow bigger andstronger and more babe-magnetizing."Men's Journal: "Your excess pounds areprobably contributing to at least somehealth concerns and-if nothing else-self­image problems." Babe-magnetizing weunderstand, but health concerns? Self­

image problems? What does yawning haveto do with my abs?

Genre

Being a magazine for gay men, Genre ofcourse falls into the men-on-the-cover cat­

egory, not to mention the less pervasivewet-men-on-the-beach and men-in-cow-

boy-hats-and-underwear categories. (Thelatter, by the way, also made an appearancein the October issue of Bikini; a fact fromwhich readers of the formerly square man­ual of hetero lifestyle are encouraged todraw their own conclusions.) If magazinescould have opposites, Maxim's would be

Genre. In a recent, typically fabulous issue,I found only a handful of references towomen, including: a movie biz item aboutBette Midler, an interview with self­described ex-fag hag Sandra Bernhard, and

a review of a Judy Garland boxed set byground-breaking documentary victim LanceLoud.

The best thing about Genre, however, isthat it bills itself simply as "The Men'sMagazine for the Millennium" and doesn'treally look much different from the rest of

the field, making it a perfect embarrass­ment/shame trap for forward-thinkingbreeder meatheads everywhere.

Esquire

The grey lady herself. How is she faring inthis maelstrom of, well, maleness?Understandably, Esquire seems a taddefensive about the niche-digging going onits turf, at least judging from its rathertesty mission statement: "Esquire is specialbecause it's a magazine for men. Not afashion magazine for men, not a healthmagazine for men, not a money magazine

for,men. It is not any of these things; it isall of them. It is, and has been for sixty­five years, a magazine about the interests,the curiosity, the passions, of men."Sounds like someone could use a gallon ofmilk and a half-dozen chicken legs rightabout now.

Bikini

Well, you still can't read it when the wordsrun over the dark part of that guy's shirt,but Ray Gun Publishing's Bikini has a brandnew look. The old, short, square formatseemed like a good idea, virtually forcingbookstores to put the title on the front ofI'he.rack, but it apparently didn't work.

"There it was, hidden behind all thetaller magazines on the stands!" the editorsemote in the new-look October issue. Sonow Bikini has become one of those taller

magazines-"Made For Men," as it says iton the cover for those who were still

unsure. Still too many aimless transcrip­tions of interviews. 0

DECEM8ER 1998 SOMA